The Sabrina Zohar Show - 70: Trusting yourself, understanding triggers and validating your own needs with Masha Kay!

Episode Date: April 12, 2024

Sabrina explores the ins and outs of the healing journey with Masha, which revolves around nervous system regulation and self-trust development. Nervous system dysregulation goes hand in hand with how we view ourselves and our perception of reality. How can we validate our feelings despite dysregulation and our distorted perception of reality and decide on the best decision? Masha delves into how “trusting yourself” starts with trusting your emotions, holding space for processing your emotions, and then paving the way to decide. The decision may not be the best down the road (is there ever a definite and immediate way to know?), but as long as it honors what you were feeling at the moment and you accept the consequences down the road. Want to work with Sabrina? HERE! Stuck After the Podcast? Master Implementation in 8 Weeks with Sabrina's Foundation Course Join the Make It Make Sense: Getting Through a Breakup course HERE! Get Ad-free episodes and 2 Bonus episodes a month HERE! Dont forget to follow Sabrina and The Sabrina Zohar Show on instagram and Sabrina on Tik tok! Video now available on YOUTUBE!  Want to work with Masha? Use code DOTHEWORK250 to get $250 off her Mind-Body Recalibration Formula course Disclaimer: The Sabrina Zohar Show, formally known as Do The Work, is not affiliated with A.Z & associates LLC in any capacity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to another episode of Do the Work podcast. My name is Sabrina Zohar and I am your host. Guys, it's a special day. We have a special guest back and this time in studio for you on YouTube, on the internet. And now everybody gets to hear us and see us. So I am so excited today. We have Miss Masha back. It's not actually Miss Masha, but I call it that.

So we have Masha back. And we are today, we're going to be talking about a lot of meaty stuff. And we really wanted to go over a lot of the misunderstandings that we think. are prevalent in this whole healing journey with the nervous system and when do I regulate? What does this regulation look like? How do I validate my own feelings? All of the questions you guys ask, we are going to hit on and address today. So I am so, so excited. And guys, as always, thank you so much. Please don't forget to follow along on all the socials now on YouTube. Please show our sponsors a lot of love and support if you're listening to the sponsored and if you have the ad-free

smart choice. Lucky you. Join us on Supercast for now bonus content. And add free if that's something that you're interested in. And guys, as always, if you need anything, link in show notes, we'll have Masha's information, my information. You want to work with anybody, get some one-on-one. We both have a course. There are so much amazing, so many amazing resources in the links. So check them out. And guys, without further ado, let's get right the fuck on into it, shall we? Hey, Masha. Hey, welcome to the studio. I am blown away. I've taken pictures of every corner of the studio at this point, literally everything. It is adorable. Everything matches. You match. You look adorable.

Thank you. Your socks, your sweatsuit. I can't. These cups. Right? I'm fan-girling. You look adorable and the space is insane. Thank you.

Welcome to 2.0. Thank you for my software sets. Shameless plug. But if you guys don't forget, do the work podcast. Or do the work. Gets you 20% off and wear software.com. Hey. But thank you.

I'm so excited to have you. And, I mean, is there a special announcement you want to make? Or are we just going to, you know, bypass it? Yeah, I guess. I guess there's an announcement. and I'm pregnant. We have a new baby coming in the world. I know. I know it's so funny.

It's so funny to think about. I don't know. Like, we're our first time filming this to now. Me being pregnant. I don't know. I'm having a moment, guys. It's crazy. It feels surreal. I'm having a moment. But it's also such a great exemplification of like,

holy shit, the what can change in a year is pretty wild. You could go from like living in a 600 square foot apartment being broke as buck trying to figure out how you're going to even survive to now. all of a sudden having an incredible business in an home studio and you can go from having a smaller scale business to now having a bigger business than a fucking baby. I know. It's wild. It's wild. And like the changes that come with it and how drastically different your life could be. So it's wild. And I'm glad. I'm glad we could be here. I know. I'm super excited. Well, today, today we have a really, I think, a really good kind of topic, if you will, to talk about and just

some unearthing of a lot of, I just think, misunderstandings that come. I mean, truthfully, I'm not going to be as misunderstandings I had as well. Like I, before you, I didn't know what the nerve. I mean, I knew what the nervous system was, but I didn't understand the nervous system. I didn't know what the fucking glimmer was, a trigger was. I don't know that the fucking ventral and the dorsal and the parasympathetic, the sympathetic. I mean, when I met you, I was calling it the central nervous system for like a month and a half before you're like, by the way, that's not how you say it.

So I think that there are a lot of things that we can debunk. And I think somewhere that I really just kind of wanted to start was like this concept of trusting yourself. You know, like, I think it's such a misconception that trusting yourself means that at all times, you just need to know what's right and wrong, that you just automatically are going to have enough insight on the world, but no one has taught you, that you're just always going to know how to be able to differentiate between right and wrong. And I think it's something that I'd love to hear your thoughts on and just your journey on like, what did it look like for you to also start to trust yourself? Because I know me, I'll share mine after, but like, it was a little topsy-turvy and it took a while. Totally. No, I think this is such an important topic to talk about because truthfully, I was even thinking we've spoken. We've said that. Trust yourself. Develop self-trust. How important self-trust is. And most people don't quite understand that. And like you said, I know I didn't quite understand that when I first started this work. I think I thought probably similarly to you, self-trust met making

perfect decisions. Right. Like I trust myself, so I never doubt myself. I'm confident all the time. I know it's the right thing. I never question it. And that's not self-trust. At least that's not what we're talking about when we say self-trust. To me, self-trust is not about making the right decision. Because I hear that all the time, clients being like, well, how do I trust myself? How do I know this is the right decision?

They almost think that means the same thing. And I have to point out, I don't need you to trust yourself in the fact that you're going to make the right decision. I don't need you to trust that. I simply need you to trust that no matter what decision you may. make, you truly believe that you could handle the consequences, you could handle the emotions that come with that decision, and you will find your way through it. That may be a little messy. It may be a little uneasy and uncomfortable, but you will find your way through it. You may

need to reach out for support all of the things, but you will be able to overcome whatever happens. I think it's such a good point because, like, for me to learn to trust myself, when we even think about like, well, where did you learn not to trust yourself? Okay. So when I'm a kid, when I was a kid, I knew in my gut, none of this felt right. I knew like, so my dad goes out at the middle of the night to like go see a bar in a club. Like, that's normal, right? And it was like, well, in the household I had, that had to be normalized. So I learned to not trust myself anymore because I knew in my gut, this feels off, but then I have everybody conflicting and telling me you're being too much and you're being too sensitive and you don't know what you're talking about and you're this and you're that.

And so then you start to realize maybe I have no idea what the fuck I'm talking about. Maybe I don't know myself. Maybe I, and so like for years, I didn't understand like, what do you mean trust your gut? What's your gut? My gut was just butterflies and anxiety and uncertainty. And it wasn't until I think I started to really even understand that first of all, self-awareness, but the basic principle and concept of just saying like I feel sad right now or or this situation feels uncomfortable to me, whatever it was, and then being okay saying,

but I trust myself that that was something that I was able to see clearly. But you brought up a great point before we even got on this, the difference between can I trust how I'm feeling versus can I trust the situation for what I'm seeing it as? And I'd love you to be able to talk about those two because one, they're very different. And two, they mean completely different things when it talks about you being dysregulated and you being in that moment of not knowing what the fuck is going. on. You're so right. And this is such, that's such a great point because this is where the nuance comes into it, right? Like you were saying about your childhood, you grew up seeing one thing, having certain

emotions about it, and then being told, you don't see that, you don't feel that. That's silly. So you're like, okay, well, I can't trust myself. And now it's like I can't trust my emotions. I can't trust how I see the world. I can't trust my decisions. And it kind of snowballs, right? That I can't trust anything about myself. I need to go externally to find that or just, consistently feel like I'm broken, right? But there is nuance in the sense that when we're saying, okay, I want you to develop self-trust, it does not necessarily mean that how you perceive a situation is always exactly what that is, right? And this is where the nervous system comes in. Because the nervous system, we know when we're dysregulated, it changes our lens on the world.

It changes how we're seeing the world, how we see ourselves, how we see other people, how we see our lives, how we see our partners, right? We see them through a distorted lens when we're dysregulated. And it's distorted because it's really the past being projected onto the present. So we're not just seeing the present for what it is objectively. We are seeing the present through the lens of the past, the past projected onto that. Right. And so, okay, when you take that into consideration and then you add in this concept that we're introducing of self-trust, you're like, well, how does that work? You're just telling me I can't trust how I see reality, but you're also saying trust yourself, right? Like, I completely understand how this could be confusing, so I love that you're

bringing it up. Here's how I always encourage people to think about it. I don't necessarily need you to consistently trust and validate your perception of reality or your perception of a situation. Because if you're dysregulated, I actually want you to acknowledge, I'm probably not seeing this clearly. It's probably a little bit distorted. But that does not mean you discard everything you're experiencing in that moment. It simply means you put aside the story you're telling about the situation or the event and instead you go inward and say, what am I feeling? Because your feelings are always valid. Now, your feelings are not, I feel like she's a jerk. That's not a feeling. It's I feel sad. I feel abandoned. I feel rejected. I feel joyful.

those are the parts that are always true, regardless of what the situation is. Maybe you got into an argument and you were wrong and you misunderstood something, misread something, right? But how you felt in that moment is still valid. Even if your behavior, maybe you think it was wrong. Maybe you think you can take ownership and apologize. That doesn't in any way take away from the reality of what you were feeling in that moment. So that's the part we want to start by trusting ourselves with. our feelings, our experiences.

Especially when gaslighting is like such a thing, when somebody can just say, no, that's not accurate. And then you're like, oh my God, that's not, I don't know what I'm talking about. And we start to second guess everything. But like, I'll even give a personal example. When doesn't she? I haven't dated in a while, but it was the same. Like, not to mention, you and I have to do like a whole other episode on friendships in general because that's a whole other fucking.

Oh, that's a good one. Yeah. That's like a whole, because I think there's such a fallacy that, no, no, it's just in relationships, and I used to be that person that thought that, until I realize you're kidding yourself. This comes up in your relationships, you're romantic, your personal, your parents, your family, how you show up for friendships, like to the point where even now my mom even will have a call and she's like, man, I can see how much you've changed, like in a good way. She's like, man, you are so much more responsive and not reactive. And it's like because I finally allowed

myself to say, but I am validating my emotions and feelings. I'm allowing myself to feel this. And the example, as you know, is, you know, I had a friend that was in town. And unfortunately, like, we were being very vulnerable with each other. Like, I, you know, I've struggled with friendships for years. Like, this is nothing new. It's just always felt like I don't belong here and nobody gets me and I'm too much. It's like all the core beliefs. All the beliefs I've had about myself just in general, then getting manifested because I chose friends that were similar to my father that also reaffirmed those that were very self-serving. And so in my adult life now, the last like four or five years, I thought, you know, I'm doing a much better job, right? You know, You could see the bullshit and you see all the people like in the LA crew. You know what I mean? It's just you start to kind of understand yourself. And so anyways, a friend come in town and we were doing some stuff and I was being, I mean, I'm pouring my fucking heart out and about the book and we're doing all this stuff. And then sure enough later that night I saw on the phone a text I shouldn't have seen.

I mean, depending on who you ask, I should have seen it, shouldn't have seen it. Nonetheless, it in that moment, it was every single core belief I've ever had just got reaffirmed by somebody that I trusted, by somebody I'd known for years, by somebody who I had been nothing but generous with my energy and time and everything. And I remember in that moment, like, this wave of heat passed over me. Like, I just, that was my first sign of, you're not here anymore. And I remember, like, just kind of being in the front of passing the phone back and then looking at Ryan, and we're saying his name now. And he, like, he caught eyes and, like, he knows me so well. He saw it. And we both were, I was like, I'll talk to you later. And that was the

long as 20 minute drive home. And the whole time on my drive home, all I kept thinking was like, what the fuck am I going to do? Like, Sabrina, no, you're making this up. No, no. You know what? And it was going back and forth of you're being way too sensitive. That wasn't that bad. But then being like, no, but I need to honor that this hurt my fucking feelings. Whether it was intended or not, it didn't really matter, right? But in that moment, all I saw was I need to honor how I'm feeling. And I need to give myself permission to feel this. And I came upstairs and I cried and I did my thing and in the morning I called my mom and she's always the first person I call and we talked about it and you know did the same thing like let's give benefit of the doubt and the whole day I remember

just saying I don't need to make a decision right now because I don't know what decision I want to make. How do I want to proceed with this? How do I want to handle this? What do I want to say? And unfortunately the other person wasn't respecting my boundaries when I kept saying please leave me alone. I need my time. Like I knew what happened and called it out and long story medium was and the reason I'm sharing this is because like when you get dysregulated and something happens to you in that moment, you don't have to make a decision. That doesn't mean that you have to know in that moment, oh, well, if I don't go regulate, like, first of all, I'm in a car with other people. It's not really an option to be like, I'm going to go and regulate. Really? How are you going to do that besides doing

some breath work and things like that, which I did? But what I really just focused on in that moment was I am not going to punish myself for the sadness that I'm feeling. I'm not going to shame myself because I got emotional. Instead, I'm going to meet myself there and give myself the opportunity to say, girl, this was exhausting to you. This caused a lot of inner pain and turmoil. You have every right to feel this and you have every right to take your time to speak to this person and set that boundary. And sure enough, I did and I processed it. And then I made a decision. And in that moment, I made a decision and I said, this isn't going to work for me. I would never want to be surrounded by somebody that would feel like that around me because then that's an

an authentic friendship. And it wasn't anything dramatic. It wasn't anything crazy. But I made the decision to say, my peace matters more than dealing with this bullshit. Because already it was a lot, you know, you start to get all the excuses and everything from the other person and no ownership and all that stuff. And you're like, you know what? That's the decision I'm going to make. Could I regret that in a couple of years? Maybe. My crystal ball's in the shop, so I don't know. But in the moment I knew I need to honor how I'm feeling and then make a decision from empowerment of I've processed it. I've molded over. Not something just happened.

This guy I'm dating or this girl I'm dating said something to me. Sent me off and I'm a hot mess and I'm triggered and I don't know what to do. What do I do? There's such a difference between that experience when you really know yourself then to transition to say, I honor my feelings, I honor how I feel and I honor my reaction and my responses. I honor all of this. And it doesn't mean that I have to create a narrative. I didn't have to create a narrative of, oh, she thinks all of these things about me.

I didn't have any proof. I had one text that I saw and it was all I needed to see. And then it was, of course, validated thereafter. Totally. And I think there's so many pieces we can pull out of that that are so important and powerful. But one that really stood out to me is that trusting yourself didn't look like knowing the right answer. It's not like in that moment. You're like, I know that she is wrong or she isn't wrong.

I should be mad or it shouldn't be mad. Think about how often we do that to ourselves, especially when it comes to relationship, right? Something happens and it's like, well, I don't know how I feel or I should break up with them. right, I should know right now how I feel and what to do. And actually, that's not necessary. When we say trusting yourself, we're saying, trust the emotions you're experiencing. And that requires first curiosity of going inward of what am I feeling. Because the instinct is going to be to go externally and to focus on her and what happened

and what you have to do next and blaming somebody, pointing fingers at yourself or her. Right. But to go inward and be like, wait, what am I actually feeling? the situation's not good. We can look at the details situation, but what am I actually feeling in my body? What are the emotions? And how do I honor those and say, yeah, I am feeling that. Right or wrong doesn't really matter.

In that situation, it was absolutely right and warranted in certain situations. We feel things that are based on the situation not necessarily warranted. Right. Like someone really didn't do anything, but we felt that way because of our trauma. But the emotion you're feeling is valid and actually holding space for that and sitting. with that and not trying to blame it, shame it, push it away, numb it, then gives way to clarity of, okay, what do I need in this moment? Maybe I still don't know my decision, but what do I need in this moment? Do I need a little bit of space? Do I need a little bit of time? Do I need to give

myself some grace? And then you do that, so you're trusting yourself again. So first you you trusted yourself with your emotions. Now you're trusting yourself of what you need in order to process these emotions. And it sounds like from that, it sounds like it was like a day or so or baby two, right? Then you came to, okay, I know what I need to do about this. Now I feel like I've regulated. I've gotten support. I've honored my feelings. And now I trust my decision. Now, do you know if that was the right decision? How could someone know what the right decision is? I talk about us all the time. It's like, how do you, what are the metrics for that? If it feels good in five minutes, an hour, three weeks, 10 months, five years, right? Because those could all be different.

So we don't know what a right decision is, but it was the decision that honored what you were experiencing in your truth and your needs in that moment and you trusted it. And you trusted that no matter what comes out of that, you can handle it because I know a little bit about the situation and I know there are consequences. And I know there are things you now have to deal with and decisions you have to make because of that decision. And to me, the biggest piece of self-trust that, you trust that, whatever comes my way, I'll handle it. I can do it, even if it's uncomfortable and even if it actually causes more problems. And I've, even just now, like as you were talking and I'm going back on, I'm sure every person could probably relate.

You know, you start to remember all those moments. Like, I remember when I was dating that guy when I was in Utah and being in his apartment and, like, I've shared with you, the disorganized, the hot and cold. And like, there was a moment where I literally had to step outside and I was like, okay, Sabrina, I need you to be on planet Earth because this is a mind fuck. And this is something that it's starting to discredit. And I was going in all around. And it's like, in my head, in my mind, I was like, I remember, my friend said,

listen, I'll get you a hotel. Let's just get you out of there. And I said in the moment, I was like, it might not be the right decision I'm making. I'm not ready to leave. I was like, I need to see more. And sure enough, I'm glad I made that decision because I saw what I needed to see. We went through this whole weekend. And then the way that we left it off thinking I'm so connected, then for the next, it went to shit. I broke it off the next day. And a lot of people always ask, like, what do you mean you just walked away? And it's like, yeah. And you know why? Because I trust that I know what peace now

feels like. I know what it feels like. I know what I look like triggered. I know what it feels like when people trigger me. I know how it feels to be around people that I'm not comfortable with or that your nervous system is dysregulated. So when I meet those people or when you have these circumstances, yeah, sometimes looking and saying, how much am I willing to leave for this versus like, you know, your partner, like when I met Ryan, how many times I think about the decision I made to not text him and end it. Yeah, that worked out really well. But I didn't know that at the time. All I knew at the time was, let's see what happens. What's the worst that can happen? You date this guy and it doesn't work out. You'll be okay. And I think there's this catastrophe. There's such a fear of, no, but if it doesn't work out, it's like, let me guess, you'll be a failure. It's a 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10. Very rarely is it about if it doesn't work out, it's because I'm going to care so much about them. I'm going to lose out. What are you losing out on? More so, it's usually the narrative. What's coming in between the ears of the core beliefs that keep coming up. And that's why I think, are such a beautiful exploration to see because you know what when I got triggered last week

it all it showed me was all bitch you need to show up for yourself a little bit more because you felt like you needed this person in your life in order to be successful and now you realize you don't actually and you will be okay and now I feel better than I did last week because that's called progress yes a hundred percent and I love that reflection that you just had in terms of when that happened not only like Of course. There were so many wins along the way that I know I went through it. I won't bore everyone by going through them again. But I think it's also like the bigger picture on the other side of it. You're like, wow, I thought I needed this person and I'm actually okay. That's bigger. And then what even happened there? There was a bigger reflection, a bigger aha moment that came from that. And I think it's a great point to bring up that triggers are really an opportunity. They're an opportunity to build self-trust, to practice regular. like all these things that you were saying you get questions about how do I do this? How do I do that? I think what people don't realize and sometimes don't want to hear is that the way you get there is by getting triggered, by getting uncomfortable, by making a lot of wrong decisions.

That's ultimately how you build self-trust. You don't actually build self-trust by making perfect decisions. And you actually asked me in the beginning, you said, what's your experience with self-trust? And I kind of skipped over it. But I would say my experience with self-trust is a little different, probably also relatable to someone who's maybe a little more avoidant. I was going to say, I was like, you were like, I skipped over and I was like, that's, that's up. But for me, self-trust the issue was actually the perfectionism. Yeah. That I feel like I was always so praised and validated for making good decisions and always doing the right thing that I made that a part of my identity. And so on one hand, I think you could look at me in those younger years and like, wow, she trusts herself.

She makes such good decisions. But it was from perfectionism. It was from the place of I don't trust myself. And God forbid I make the wrong decision, everything is going to fall apart. So I just worked so hard to be perfect and do everything perfectly, not because it felt perfect to me, but because I knew that would get validation. That's also not self-trust, right? Because I did not trust myself to make mistakes and to fail. And that was a major aha moment when I really started changing my life.

When I was in this career that I'm unhappy end, I'm like, I don't see any future. What's going on here? But I knew what was holding me back was the fact of like, yeah, but what if I do something and I fail? What if I do something and it doesn't go well? You know what? That is a lack of self-trust. I didn't trust that if I fell flat on my face, I can get back up.

And honestly, everything I did from that moment built self-trust because there were moments where I fell flat on my face, changing careers, moving, so many minor decisions in between. But ultimately, like, they helped me build self-trust. And the fact that I made all those right decisions before that point, that didn't help me with self-trust. Actually, it made me trust myself less and less because it put more and more pressure on the right decision. So it just kind of also goes to show it could be counterintuitive.

You could be looking at people like, she trusts her. She always makes good decisions. I was terrified. That wasn't self-trust. That was the opposite of self-trust. every decision I've made up to this point, I'm like, well, let's see what happens. Like, starting all of this. So when I started software, I was like, did I fucking know what I was doing? I remember my mom got sick and my, at the time, the Barton partner I had called me and said, why don't we just do this ourselves?

And I was like, no way. I talked about imposter syndrome. I was like, no way. I have no idea what I'm doing. I can't do that. And it was just after I almost lost my mom. And then the day after, I remember just sitting there being like, bitch, what do you have to lose? You know, like, I just remember that one thought. And I will never forget when my sister sent me the photo of my mom in the hospital. And she was like, she did it. she's going to be okay. In that moment, like, I was sitting because this was like so fucking scary for me. I didn't know, I didn't know what that FaceTime with my mom was going to be the last time I was ever going to see her or if I was to see her again. Like that was terrifying for me to sit in my apartment in Brooklyn. And I remember my friends were like really there for me and like they all knew what was going on and checking in on me. And then I remember when I contacted my now old business partner and I said, fuck it, let's do it.

And it's like, did I know, you know, I was bright out and bushytailed thinking, oh, we're going to hit these numbers. And it's like, we didn't even come close to those numbers. And it's like, and you know what? I, for a long time, had to battle the whole, okay, well, what if this doesn't work? And I was like, no, you are going to be a failure if this doesn't work because my dad only respects me now because I have a business. I'm not working for people. I'm doing what he wanted me to do.

And then when I started do the work and this whole thing. And then I even had talks of like, oh, do I want to sell software? Do I want to close it? Like, what do I want to do? You know, my energies are being taken away. I was like, whoa, if I had asked myself that three years prior, I would have had a meltdown, a sheer panic attack at the thought that software wasn't going to work, I couldn't compute. Until then I all of a sudden started to realize, yeah, but if that doesn't work, that's okay,

I could do something else. And then started to mushroom now as I started to go into my career, even if you get that email saying, sorry, you don't work, I'm like, that's okay, there's going to be something else that's going to come. And a friend of mine, I'm sure you're going to like this. She said it perfectly. She was like, you're at a buffet, dude. Why are you acting as if this is the only plate of food you're going to get?

She's like, just go get up and get more. And I was like, oh, my gosh. Oh my God, it's true. This is a buffet. And it's something that you said while you were talking. It hit me. I remember those days. And this was an exemplification. I'm going to use the example I had because I haven't dated in a while. But nonetheless, that when you know you get the breakup text or like somebody ends it, well, you don't know. But you can imagine, you can deduce empathetically. And it feels like you're just your whole world crashed, like everything. And what we actually miss in those moments are who actually should. up for us and the fact that we do actually have support. It feels like you're in an island. No one cares about me. I'm always abandoned. Nobody likes, no, no, no, the sweeping generalizations. But I remember the one issue I had actually allowed you and another friend who I hadn't really spoken to in a minute, just because of life, come back out. And all of a sudden I was like, right, right, right. That does, people can show up for you in their ways that make sense for them because when you really

need somebody and when you're in those moments of shit and I remember it's funny because you and my other friend that reach at Raquel. I love Raquel. But when she both reached out on the same day, ironically, it's as if your ears were burning. You guys both were just like, hey, how are you? And I remember in my head I was like, they don't like me. You know, of course, going in my head of like, oh, it's because everybody hates me. And then in that moment, I remember you told me and the both of you guys were like, I was just dealing with my own stuff. I kind of hermitted. And it's that moment where I was like, yo, dude, you need to stop taking everything as if you fucking did something wrong. And that was that moment where I realized a trigger wasn't a bad thing. Just because I felt like I was alone

on an island, I was then proved wrong that I wasn't alone on an island and that there are people there. So even if you're going through something like a breakup, look around you and start to realize the support that you actually have, even though it's not that one thing, doesn't mean that those people aren't still showing up for you. That is so incredibly true with the people who show up for you and noticing that. I mean, huge. And again, you did such a great job of breaking that down. And because you're saying this trigger happens, right? This trigger is an opportunity. When that happens, you kind of, you have certain emotions come up, certain stories.

And I think you did a great job. I just know you do a good job at this. You didn't necessarily tell me this. So correct me if I'm wrong. But I think you did a good job at validating the emotions you were feeling versus validating the story. Because like what I hear just even from you sharing that and you shared a little bit more with me privately is, yeah, you were feeling alone.

there was some wounds coming up. There were certain emotions, maybe abandoned, maybe rejected. Again, there was many different things happening at the time, right? Those are all valid. And I think it's important that you could trust yourself of like, I am feeling that. And that is really painful. That is really hard. And my perception of reality and everyone around me, that's probably inaccurate.

And actually, when I start questioning that and being like, what's real? What am I not seeing? You start seeing even more. And I think the only way that could happen is because of a trigger. Like you need that trigger. We walk through life avoiding triggers, avoiding wrong decisions. But I truly believe the triggers, the wrong decisions, that is where the growth that we are so desperately seeking happens. It happens in those moments.

And again, I know my experience is different than yours, but my experience was in many ways the exact opposite of never making decisions. Yeah. Always avoiding triggers, always being in control. and I could now so clearly see how that held me back. I could so clearly see that was the only reason I was not growing because I was not trusting myself enough to get a little uncomfortable and see just how strong and powerful and capable I really am. And I didn't know that. And that only perpetuated all the wounds and the perfectionism and a band like all of that stuff, which is being like perpetuated because. I was not willing to get triggered and I was not willing to make mistakes. And honestly, now

with my clients, with my friends, but a client kind of comes to mind who's just having this conversation when we're, you know, when a client is looking to make some kind of big decision and kind of preparing and dealing with that, in order to build self-trust, we talk about can you be okay with the worst case scenario? Can you trust yourself to move through the worst-case scenario. When we play that out, like, what is the worst case scenario? And what do you do? Okay, this happens. And then what? And then what? And you know what happens every time when you play that out, you realize that if the worst case scenario happens, you fail, you're not happy with your decision, you will actually be forced to do the very work you need to do in order to become who you want to be.

That in the process of overcoming that challenge, you will become who you want to be, even more so than if everything goes perfectly the way we're planning and anticipating. 100%. I couldn't have said that any better. And I remember you said something, you've said this in probably in passing to me and helping me. And I don't know if you've said it on the podcast, but it's worth repeating. And when I first started soft, sure, but yes, that too. But when I first started to do the work, I was always anxious, always feel fear, fear, fear, fear. And then, you know, we work together and understanding all that stuff. But I remember forget, you were like, here's the thing though. Are you running away from a, are you running away from shame? Are you running towards a

goal? Because I was for so long running away from shame. So of course I want to help people. I want to do. But I was running away from, no, no, no, you're going to be a failure. No, you can't be. No, you have to do this and you have to do this. No, dad's not going to respect you if you don't do this. No, you can't be broke anymore. No, you have to do this. And people have to see you like this. And then when I started to really understand those triggers were really just showing me, okay, you again feel like a failure. You're again just scared. It's okay. And I'll do that exercise. I thought yesterday.

I was drive. I even took that Ryan and I was like, I wonder what it would feel like to have a day where I'm not scared, where I'm not scared that it's not. And so I challenged myself and I was like, okay, all right, you make no more money. That's your fear, right?

You make nothing, not a penny. And then I said, okay, well, but I have enough to get me through and I could do this. And I just talk myself off the ledge of, wait a minute, I got my back. So if today's a slow day, tomorrow's a new day. But that shifted it

so that I wasn't running away from a failure and I wasn't running away from that. I was running towards a goal of, but my goal is to help people, right? And so then it just makes every day more exciting because you're like, but I'm trying to help you. Whether the numbers add up or not, it's okay, it'll all pan out.

But I'm going towards a goal, which might take a little longer versus running away from a failure, which if that doesn't happen immediately, it's so true. I'm so glad you brought that up. I love that. And I love that that helped in that moment.

And, you know, you bring up a good point of running away from failure and kind of coming back to this piece of self-trust and being okay with failing and making mistakes. And that's the thing. You know, I say that. I say, like, are you running towards your goals or are you running away from your fears and failures? And a lot of times people say, like, oh, shoot, I'm running away from my fears and my failures. And the next question will be, and I'm sure you got this all the time.

It's like, okay, well, how do I stop? Right? And I think this is where what we were talking about just comes in, which is you stop by incentive. of running from the failure, face that failure. If that happens, what are you going to do? Let's map it out. Let's plan it. What kind of growth will you experience? What kind of skills will you learn? Instead of running from the failure, face it and embrace it. And when you do, everything changes. Like that fear is so much less scary. And it's interesting. I do this. A lot of times my clients are in, you know, professional realms. They have like exams, boards, all of those kind of things. And we talk about this all the time of like,

I want you to be totally okay with failing. Let's talk through that. Like, and by the end of the session, the person's usually like, I had a client once text me. She's like, it's kind of weird, but I'm kind of more excited to fail. Like, is that a bad thing? And I'm like, no, because you're so intelligent, you're still going to pass. And she did. She passed with flying colors. But that lack of fear of failure means you're able to go straight at the goal. And that's why it works so much better than you could really run towards those goals. And I love how you mapped it out. It's something that I do all the time with my business. Honestly, if we want to call that a tool, if I didn't have that tool, I go through that once a week, once every two weeks, I would say, right? Of like, okay,

this doesn't work. Worst case scenario. And then what? And then what? And what do I learn and what I grow? And then it's kind of interesting, right? I don't know if you had this experience, things start connecting. You're like, oh, shoot, this new thing could come out of it. Or I could have this new idea and you're, to some degree, you're like, is it better off if it doesn't work out? And that's exactly the place where I want people to be because to me, that's self-trust. This is 100%. I, all I ever, like, broken record for a lot of anybody that, like,

has followed along from the beginning, understands what I'll always say, like, one, you were good before them, you'll be good after. And if your response is, I get this all, every motherfucking day, but I wasn't good before them. I'm like, well, that's the issue.

Somebody, then after, what do you think? That they're, they're in addition to your life, not instead of. So if you think that somebody is just going to come in and all of a sudden, it's, you just make my life amazing. It's like, well, one, that's not a smart investment.

Because if I put all of my eggs in that basket, and then that basket disappoints me, bye-bye to all of it. But I had a similar kind of thought the other day. A company reached out to me for me to host something. And I remember I was walking with Ryan, and it was like a weird moment where I was like, huh. So I haven't actually like exactly how they wanted it. I was like, I haven't done that, you know?

But I remember just stopping and he was like, are you nervous? And I was like, I mean, to a certain extent, of course, I'm a human. There's a little bit of the nerves. And I was like, but one, we have ample time to prep. And two, I was like, I know that I got this. I know that I got this because I'm always scared to go in front for anybody listening. If you think that I'm misconfident, she is, but she's still a human. And every time before I do a podcast, I'm anxious.

Every time before I do any kind of speaking engagement, I'm anxious. I'm always nervous because it is nerve-wracking. And we can hold two conflicting thoughts. I can trust myself that no matter what I'll be okay. I have been, next month, I will be, actually, no, what am I talking about? By the time this comes out, it'll be after my birthday. So I'm 34 by the time this comes out, right? since my birthday is in like four weeks.

And, which is crazy. And I have been on this earth now for 34 years. I have never been on the streets. I have never been homeless. I thank God. I have never been down and out. I had nothing and I had no one to turn to. There was always, listen, worse comes to worse.

I think about this all the time. Right. And I talk about it. Like, okay, we broke up and we were out. I'm like, I have a friend's couch I could sleep on. You know, like, you're never just, that's it. You're on your own. And like even if it feels like that, there's somebody, two people sitting right here that will catch you when you fall because you're never truly alone, especially when you have yourself.

It sounds a little cheesy, but you know what I mean. No, no, I think it's so true. I think everything that sounds cheesy sounds cheesy because it's so true that it's become cheesy. And when you really get it and feel it, you're like, that's why. You know, I feel that way. But I think you're 100% right. it's really that's the power of self-trust that that is what we're working towards and I also think you're kind of bringing to light an important point which is you don't see perfectly regulated all the time that was that was literally I was like so what I wanted to talk about was when you're trusting yourself that doesn't mean that you're always like super cool com collected like a goddamn cucumber

on a fucking summer afternoon like can we talk a little bit more about like I think there is that misconception of like so do I always need to be regulated and if I'm If I'm not, then I shouldn't do anything. And it's like, I don't know how you'd live if you were living like that. A hundred percent. Like, the truth is you're going to get dysregulated a lot. And that's completely normal. Like, by the way, we're not meant to be perfectly regulated.

That's not actually the point. We're meant to have a flexible nervous system that could move up and down that nervous system ladder smoothly and appropriately. So we were never created to never get dysregulate. Let's make that clear. Not with technology especially. Exactly. Exactly.

Not in today's world. Right. But I also think so many of us are going through the life now that we have this information being like, oh my gosh, if I'm dysregulated, I'm failing. Like I'm doing something wrong. Nothing is possible for me. And that could not be further from the truth. Because again, when you're making a decision that's difficult or new or you're stepping into the unknown, you will feel a little dysregulated. Right. That doesn't mean you can't do it. But the awareness of your dysregulation, that is a game changer. right? Because when you could be aware, oh, I'm dysregulated, I can't fully trust my perception of the world. It's a little distorted. Or these feelings I'm feeling in my body, they make sense. That's my nervous system trying to activate. That awareness has so much power in and of itself. That alone is really powerful and enough to be like, okay, what would it look like to trust myself in this moment? And again, we kind of said this. It could look like first just the awareness of I'm dysregulated. That's already an act of self-trust. I trust. I trust. I trust. myself to recognize when I'm dysregulated and I trust myself to recognize when I can't trust my perceptions of other people or the world. Okay, what can I do? What can I validate? I can validate the sensations I'm feeling. My chest is a little tight. I'm not feeling well. I feel tightness in my shoulders. That's a great start. That's already you validating yourself. And then it might be, okay, what am I experiencing? Is there some emotions? You can validate that. So you're already moving

towards that self-trust. And from there, slowly, gradually, I might be like, okay, what do I need? that's also an act of self-trust. What do I need and asking for it, taking it, setting some boundaries, right? And again, like in your great example, you took that space, you became a little bit more regulated, by the way, not 100% regulated. You were still really bothered by the situation. You were reaching out for support. Again, when we're talking about noticing dysregulation and working on that, we're talking about making very minor shifts, just 1% better, 5% better, 10% better because that's 1% more control you have, 10% more ability to kind of reason that you have, right?

That in and of itself. And then that gives way to, okay, what do I need to do? What would growth look like here? What would it look like to step towards my desires, to stop running from my fears to face those things? And honestly, for most of us, you know, that clarity and self-trust and like the positive of emotions we associate with the things you and I are talking about is going to come after taking the action.

We take and we're like, oh, I actually feel really calm about this or I feel really empowered of, oh, that was terrifying, but I can't believe I did that. That to me is the self-trust piece. And notice, I didn't say anywhere you have to be perfectly regulated. Not real. It wouldn't be realistic. And that was, I mean, that was always my goal in the course when I was doing your course, was I want to be able to handle the ebbs and receive the flow

because both are equally scary to me. Handling the ebbs of, wait, but it's not going my way? Well, I wasn't prepped for this. But then also receiving the flow of like, hey, I want to, how many times did I have to call you to be like, somebody wants to give me money right now and I don't know what to do? And you were like, cool, accept it. And I remember even like doing little practices of like,

okay, I'm about doing something really scary for me. Like, I remember I was like, I'm going to purchase this. And I remember you were sitting next to me and you were like, and press go. So, like, press the button. And you're like, how do you feel? And I was like, I'm freaking out right now. And it's like, but I'm okay, right?

I paid that credit card bill off and I moved on with my fucking life. It wasn't anything. Listen, obviously, if you're going to go and like refinance your house because of a dream you have, yeah, you might lose it. But you also might fucking gain it. And that is a risk I'm personally willing to take. But if you're not, that's okay. Your nervous system has to be able to handle those eb.

So this is not for anybody to like go out and quit their job tomorrow because you hate it. But it's just understanding that, like, yeah, day to day, you're going to be dysregulated. That doesn't mean that you can't get through your day. That just means, I mean, it's the same if a tiger were here. I could be dysregulated while still making actions and movements because if I see the tiger, I know I need to get to safety. I'm still making decisions while I'm dysregulated. But then once you get to regulate, once you're away from that threat, then you can process

and you can think about it. And I think the biggest aspect here of self-trust that I want to drill home here is also understanding self-validation. That, you know, like we talked about, if somebody, you're dating somebody and someone says something rude to you, somebody says something hurtful to you, somebody says something. And in that moment, the first thing you start to do is, no, stop being so sensitive. No, no, no, no, they didn't mean that. Stop it. Just, just, you stop being dramatic. If you say something, you're going to push them away.

So maybe we can hold another conflicting truth here of, okay, well, that really hurt my feelings. Maybe I don't need to attach the, oh, you said that because you're trying to hurt me and you're trying to do all this. No, no, I don't know that. I have no facts to back up that you said that, which mean that this is what it means. But what I can acknowledge is I can validate my experience by saying in this moment, this feels like shit. And that is even because I think about, I think about when I was a kid, nobody allowed me to do that. Nobody allowed me to say, mom, I'm feeling sad. It was, we'll just be happy. That was literally what I would hear was, well, you have no reason to be. And you're like, oh, okay, so now I'm just making everything up.

And then you stop trusting the emotions that you have. But like you said earlier, big difference between trusting the feeling and trusting the narrative. Totally. And I, yes, validating is number one. And I actually want to point out a second part of it that you're kind of touching on, but we didn't explicitly say it, which is first and foremost, you need to validate your experience. Now, that in of itself, if you're listening to this, you might think for self-trust, that feels so minor. Like, I want to make big decisions. I want to take action. I want to step into

this different version of myself. Like, okay, I validated myself. And, right? It feels so small. But here's why that matters. Because our nervous system is very sensitive. So we really need to work with it very slowly, intentionally, and gradually. Right? Like, yes, we need to take action, but we need to take action that doesn't completely overwhelm our nervous system, but just kind of puts us a little bit out of our comfort zone, creates a little bit of that stretch. Then we take it, like you said, you pressed purchase, and you're like, okay, that was terrifying, but I'm okay, that was small.

And then you did so many more of these gradual behaviors that over time made you believe in yourself that you could do something bigger, right? The same goes for that example in dating and like what you just gave with example in childhood, which is, at first, it's really small. You just validate your experience. But by starting really small, you're not pushing yourself into the deep end, which would be, I need to make a decision. Okay, someone says something rude to me. I need to take action. I need to act perfectly. Realistically, acting perfectly might not be possible for you in that moment, right? Like, you might have not had enough experiences to really kind of hold that space

and, you know, stand up for yourself, right? Like, that might not be in your toolkit yet. And so just that step of, okay, I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't know if I can do anything. But I am feeling hurt. That becomes now the foundation. Now you build on that. Okay, I'm feeling hurt. Can I just support myself in some way?

Do I just need to come? Should I step into the restroom? And then it keeps building. And you know what? It could build to you taking that big action and being like, hey, that actually really wasn't cool. I do not appreciate that. I'm going to end this early. And it's like, and by doing that too.

It's gradual. And by doing that, like, then you're also allowed, like, because then, let's say you're in a date or like somebody says something that the person you're dating. And then they come and say, nope, you're making this up. You're being so, here we go again, Miss Drama Queen. Instead of being like, yep, see, they're right. Oh, my God. I'm scared to lose them. It's like, well, no, I know that I felt this. I know that this didn't, I didn't like this feeling. If you can't validate, like, when I go to Ryan, he might not agree. If I say, I don't appreciate that you said this, he'll be like, hey, it's valid. I understand that you're hurt. It's okay to say, I understand you're upset. set and I validate that you are hurting and like that you're experiencing something right now. Can I share with you my intent with it though? You know, I did like that was and we'll talk about it. I'll be like, wow, yeah, you're right. Like I created this narrative because I was so hurt in that moment and I just needed you to clarify because it's something that's, it's such a beautiful aspect when other people can validate your emotions, but sometimes they won't. And sometimes you'll have somebody that will gaslight your say, but you're just being, you're just being too

sensitive. And in that moment, me validating myself will be, I don't think so, actually. I'm feeling very confident in the fact that this hurt my feelings. That's it. I don't need you to, I don't need you to tell me that I'm allowed to be sad. And that's, I think, what, when we're in this experience, there's such a fear of I'm going to lose them and da-da-da-da, that it's like, I know, I've been there. I've been there. And when I finally started to say, no, I'm going to validate my experiences. Yeah, that meant a lot of people were going to walk away because those people didn't want to take accountability for the fact that I was hurting because of an action that they did.

Totally. 100%. And I would say like these small actions are how you get to that place. Like that place where you could be okay with that. First, I'm sure there's people listening that are like, yeah, but I'm not okay with them walking away. Totally. Right?

So like it might almost scare them to think like, well, if I validate this feeling, like, well, they, like, right? It might scare them because they're not there yet. And what we're saying is let's not make decision. you don't need to speak up, you don't need to say anything, but just you validating and accepting, like, regardless of what happens next, I'm just saying I do, in fact, feel this way to myself. But once you accept that, it becomes like that first step, and then you take another step, and you take another step.

Now it's going to be hard to believe that you could be five steps ahead because you need to take step one first, but it's very possible. And that's where the nervous system piece comes in. A lot of the times the advice we get from other people, is very like 10 steps ahead. And it's absolutely right advice. Like sometimes there are situations where there's right and wrong. And you know,

and someone is telling you the truth. They're telling you the right thing to do. But to your nervous system, it feels so out of the range of possibility, so out of the range of the tolerance your nervous system has, that it's actually not helpful. And it actually starts creating shame. And so that's why these gradual steps in validating yourself

and just being acknowledging, that as self-trust as a step forward, you'd be surprised how slowly you will get to that clarity when you start making those decisions on your own. 100%. I remember it was even like an example, like a situation like I'd made a, you know, video that went viral of questions to ask on like when you're about to be compatible, like when you're about to be in a relationship. So not just first or second date questions. Like people ask what do I ask when I want to be in a relationship? It's like, okay, start to ask these. Like how do you handle conflict? You know, like what's something that you've had to compromise with me?

I want to understand how you're feeling too. And it's like I'll get two very different answers. I'll love to get the people that are like, yes, thank you for this. Okay, cool. Love those. But I either get the honesty of this feels overwhelming to me because I wouldn't feel comfortable to answer this. And I'm like, hey, thank you for meeting.

Then you're just being honest and aware to say, hearing you even ask those questions feels overwhelming because I'm not there yet. I'm not. And that's, I know I want to get there. I'm just not there yet. That feels out of reach for me. Cool. Then I get the other side of it of, this sounds like a.

job interview. I would never ask this. This is what blah, blah, and you're like, okay, it's okay for you to feel uncomfortable about this, but when it's a defense mechanism back, no, you're the problem, you're wrong. I would never want someone to ask me this. Let me ask you a question. What's the depth of your relationships? And if you're saying, and if you're telling you're telling me, I'd be shocked that you're following me. But if you're telling me, you know what, maybe there is something to that. Just even a perspective shift, It's like that's the very two different experiences. We can acknowledge and say, you know what, Sab?

You and Masha are 20 steps ahead of me. And that's cool. It's a goal and I can't wait to get there. We all have mentors. We all have people that are at a place where we can't wait to get to. And acknowledging, this feels overwhelming to me. But it's when we, instead of acknowledging and saying, oh, yeah, I don't know if I like that. That feels really uncomfortable to me when we be, no, you're wrong.

I don't like. Instead of acknowledging, then what you're actually doing is you're not actually even honoring how you feel. you're bypassing that discomfort. You're bypassing the opportunity to grow. And you're just going, no, you're wrong. You're wrong and I like this. So you need to say it like this so that I can feel okay. And then it's like, good luck.

Good luck out there in the world if you think that because you're uncomfortable, that everybody else is going to change because you are uncomfortable and because your nervous system is dysregulated, which is why I will continue to say, doesn't mean you need to go and do all these crazy regulation techniques, but maybe you're asking sit in some discomfort and learn how to say, I don't like this feeling, but I'm feeling it. Totally.

And I think you're bringing up a good point that validating your feelings, acknowledging your feelings as a form of self-trust, doesn't just make you better at decision-making. It also makes you a better human, partner, friend. Because when you get triggered, which might create defensive reactions and all that, you could have the awareness of, ooh, what's happening. Maybe my perception of this person in this situation is inaccurate, but maybe, something's happening for me. Maybe I felt, you know, rejected. Maybe I felt attacked by this person, right? But that could even help you in how you communicate with other people in your defensiveness and in your decision-making. Self-trust goes in both directions. And and validating as well. Like, okay, so I made a decision that didn't work.

I can't tell you how many times I've made a business decision and you're like, Mary well, I lost a couple bucks, you know, lost some money. And that might not have been on paper the best thing I could have done. But you know what? We're still here, right? Like I didn't, like I said, I'm not gambling away my fucking all of my savings account. But I do know that there has to be a little flexibility because it's the same. It's like if you're out there in the dating world thinking that it's all just going to have to,

it has to work out. everything has to feel good. I am here to break the news to you. That's not fucking real life. You are going to have dating experiences that don't feel good. You're going to have people that are going to hurt you. You're going to. But again, it's about the, it's the same thing as like, fine, you don't want to manage your expectations,

but then you need to be okay with people letting you down on your expectations. You don't want to change the, the, what you've got. Fine, fine. But then you need to be okay if it doesn't work out that way. And it can't always be this woe is me and blah, blah, but it's like eventually we have to say, hey, if I'm going to have high expectations, that means I know I'm going to lose a lot of people along the way. But I'm okay with that versus, hey, you know what, maybe they are a little too high. Maybe I can see if this is flexible. But it's not about I want to omit feeling bad. That's not the

point of the nervous system and all this regulation. It's not to, I just never, like this one doctor I saw, I was telling you about that said, don't date people that trigger you. And I was like, so then don't date is what you're telling me. Because even you trigger me, I trigger you. I'm sure. Don't leave the house. Don't let like I every person in my life triggers me because it's my shit that I have to look at, not on them always. It doesn't mean that what they said was okay, but it just means that the pinch match the out. Yeah, totally. What you were saying about high expectations, that's really interesting too when people have high expectations and then blame it on other people and what was me.

Again, that you don't trust yourself. Like if you have high expectations, you got to trust that, you know, there's going to be a lot of people who don't meet those. And I'm okay with that because I trust that what I deserve. desire is possible for me. So why would I get upset? Okay, you weren't it. But if you're getting really triggered by that, you're not trusting yourself. You're not actually trusting your expectations. There's more to life than finding the perfect car. But finding the perfect car can help you get the most out of life. Like the SUV that handles everything from drop off to off road and the car that hulls groceries and hockey teams or the van that's gone from just practical to practically

family. Whatever you want, wherever you're going. Start your search at autotrater.ca. Canada's car marketplace. 100%. Because it's true. It's like, I remember when I started all this and you even told me, you were like, oh, cool. You want to start your business in one way.

You're like, those are the people that you're going to get. And you were like, yeah. So then you need to put your prices here. And that means that eventually those are the people that you're going to get that you're going to get. And I did that with dating. Do you think, like people, when they look at Ryan and I think, it's so weird calling him Ryan and not that guy. but like we're here. And when people see us and they're just like, but I'm never going to find that. And I'm like, did you think that I, what, this was the first person I dated and all of a sudden I had this? I ate shit for years because for years I was scared that, no, I'm never going to find anybody that validates me. And until it was, well, wait a minute, I'd rather be alone and spend a little bit more time with myself trusting that I know it exists out there. And I know that either my dream clientele or my dream partner or whatever exists. Then that means being okay, knowing that it's not going to.

to work out and trusting you'll be okay no matter what and if you're not okay no matter what that's all right you can seek help to get there totally and i think this comes back to like that point that i really want to bring home that how gradual it is like it might be hard right now just based on listening to us to believe like yeah that person exists that person is out there my business could be this big that's completely understandable your nervous system has no proof of that there's no reason your nervous system would believe that, frankly, especially if you've experienced trauma, which we all have, right? But where we could start is, okay, I could trust my feelings. I could trust asking for space, meeting my own needs, my ability to do that. I could trust my ability to overcome challenges.

And through that very slow, gradual process, which will feel uncomfortable every single step of the way and you will be a little bit dysregulated, right? Like I said, the gradual piece is important that you will get dysregulated. We just don't want you to get so dysregulated. You get overwhelmed and shut down and can't take action. Like that's something you and I spoke so much about with your business, very gradual, just a little bit out of your comfort zone. And you took so many gradual steps.

And I have to say you did a really great job because you made them really gradual, but I'll be honest, you took them really quickly. But that's because you were so okay. And this is because of the work you did way before me with like getting triggered, being uncomfortable. like life is hard. You kind of had that expectation. You didn't expect it to be amazing, to be regulated, to not struggle. And so every time you're like, I'm freaking out. And we're like, okay, let's do one thing. And you do the one thing. You're like, oh my gosh, I'm still breathing. I can't believe like,

I'm okay. And I overcame that. And sometimes it wouldn't go well. And you'd be like, oh my gosh, it didn't go well. But I'm still okay. And I figured out something else. And you just kept doing that time and time again, each time a little bigger. But like back to back to back. And I really attribute so much of your success to your ability to do that because it's very unique. Like I think your success is very unique, to be honest. I know, I know. Thank you to everybody, by the way. No, no, I do.

But I think like being able to see it from the inside, there's something very unique about you, which is your ability to do that of like, okay, I'm just going to keep taking small steps. You don't jump too far. And sometimes you do and you'll be like, up too far. I need to pull back. Right? Like me and you have spoken about that too, but you do it consistently.

and you're like, okay, I'm uncomfortable, that's okay, that's okay. I keep going gradually, but so consistently. That's for, I think that's the takeaway here. It's like, it's one foot in front of the other is the only way you'll make progress. And it's like you and Brit, we all know I love Brid, Frank. You have to, can't wait for you to meet her when she's in town. But you guys both say the various, like she calls a micro yeses and you're saying that gradual and it's very true.

It's like just a scosh of something is better than where we were, right? It took me eight years for you guys to see this version of me. And I can't wait, God willing, in eight more years to say, wowza. Could you imagine where we were then? And every decision along the way, some of them are going to work out and some of them aren't. There's going to be times where you're like, man, I fucked up on that one. Like, you know, even with like our fucking house, you know, we're sitting here being like, should have chosen that other place. And it's like, but you didn't, right?

You didn't. I got that. Yeah. Oh, yeah. You didn't. And you're in this position and you're going to do the best that you can because the one thing I can't do is manipulate time. and the one thing I can't do is undo a decision once it's been made in hindsight. So for everybody, man, this was a great conversation.

I am so stoked that we, at first we weren't going to talk about this. And then it just felt so right to talk about how trusting yourself fits into the nervous system, but just in general, how important it is on your journey. So true. And you're right. Like this topic kind of came out of nowhere. But it does make me realize, like as we were talking, it also made me think about my clients, your clients, like the comments you get all of that.

like all the people struggling, I think a big part of that struggles, yes, self-trust, but also the misunderstanding about what it takes to get to that place of self-trust. Because I think sometimes you hear amazing advice and you're like, I should be able to do that right now. And I always say, no, you shouldn't. Start really small. Can you validate your own feelings? If you cannot do that, if you cannot have that curiosity to see, am I dysregulated? And then to get curious about what are my emotions and have compassion for them and to validate them,

forget everything else. But I think so many people want to skip over them. Be like, well, I want to take these big actions and I want to do all these things. And it's not how it works because that's actually overwhelming your nervous system, making you feel more broken, more, you know, fucked up and then creating more problems. So like I just hope that the takeaways like, yes, self-trust, but what self-trust really looks like and how gradual it is and where it really starts and the role validation and curiosity and acknowledging your dysregulation. really plays into that because I think, like, again, you talk about this and you share your story, which is so inspiring.

Like, your potential is so limitless. But right now, when you're in a point where you're struggling, it's really hard to believe that. And I don't need you to believe that. I just need you to start with these really tiny steps. And once you start doing those, I promise you will be shocked by what's possible. But we have to start really small. We don't need to pressure ourselves to believe these. like grand things. We don't have to be there. That's completely okay. There's so much power in the

self-trust of validating your feelings, taking tiny, tiny actions, making mistakes, getting back up. That's where you really uncover your power. And it's really incredible and it's been incredible watching your journey. And I'm just so happy you share that with everybody. Thanks, man. And it's like when I started software, I didn't think I was going to be Nike. You know, like, I didn't think that when I started that, that all of a sudden it's like, I hear the CEOs of these Fortune 500 companies talk. And I'm like, I'm not there yet. But I know my nervous. system's like, bitch, stop, don't even entertain having that many employees. Like, I know it feels uncomfortable.

Same with dating, things like that. But that doesn't mean you can't start somewhere because everybody on this planet started at some point. You're just seeing them at some point on their journey. But that doesn't mean that you won't get there. So, dude, thank you again for our first real live podcast. Well, you know what I mean? Like, aired podcast.

And where can people find you? What's coming up for you? Like, how can people work with you? or talk to you if they need you. Yeah, where you guys can find me, the best place is Masha K on Instagram, Masha M-A-S-H-A-K-A-Y. That's definitely the best place to find me. If you guys ever have a question also, feel free to just DM me. Just gives me an idea of something too.

I probably want to answer the question, but I will make something around that. So I always appreciate those. And if you guys are interested in working with me, we have a new cohort of the mind-body recalibration formula, the group, the way you worked with me. another cohort starting May 6th. I'm super excited. We've added so many things to it. It's just, we've really taken it to a different level on the last few cohorts have been, honestly, just remarkable people. So I'm super excited. We have just a couple of spots left, but it's only going to be 10 spots this time. And this might be the last one for a while. So if you're interested

in working with me in that way, definitely sign up for that. And yeah, if you have questions, If it's a good fit, you could reach out or book a nervous system audit, which I think you always link in the show notes. Yeah, everything will be linked in the show notes in case you guys can't find it. And, Masha, thank you again for joining us for another incredible episode. Thank you so much for having me. It's incredible to see how far this has come. I'm seriously still blown away. Sorry, guys, I'm being annoying, but this is incredible.

Thank you for having me. And same. Likewise.