The Sabrina Zohar Show - 71: What does it mean to be ready for a relationship and how do you know you are?

Episode Date: April 19, 2024

How do you know you are ready for a relationship? Sabrina explores that difficult question because so much gets lost in the weeds for people. Being ready means accepting rejection in dating, but that's ok because you aren't for everyone. Once you delve into the layers that make you, you, it will be clear what you want and need in a partner. You can recognize that living a fulfilling life is with your partner and independent of your partner. The healing will pave the way to entering a secure relationship because of your self-security. Snag Sabrinas 8 week course HERE! Get Ad free and 2 Bonus episodes a month HERE! Want to work with Sabrina? HERE! Stuck After the Podcast? Master Implementation in 8 Weeks with Sabrina's Foundation Course Join the Make It Make Sense: Getting Through a Breakup course HERE! Get Ad-free episodes and 2 Bonus episodes a month HERE! Dont forget to follow Sabrina and The Sabrina Zohar Show on instagram and Sabrina on Tik tok! Video now available on YOUTUBE!  Disclaimer: The Sabrina Zohar Show, formally known as Do The Work, is not affiliated with A.Z & associates LLC in any capacity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to another episode of Do the Work podcast. My name is Sabrina Zohar and I am your host. Welcome back, friends, to another solo week. I love the solos. I do. I love spending my time with you guys and just having a little bit of one-on-one. And I'm just so excited to continue to grow. All right, but let's get some announcements out of the way because you guys know I've got to update you on some stuff. So as you guys know, the course is officially out. The course is live. It's been overwhelmed. the love, the support. I've poured my heart into this course. I made sure it's a self-guided eight-week course that you have access to for life. So you guys can come back as many times. I just recorded another meditation and added it into the week. We have about 150 pages of worksheets. You've got journal prompts. You have a community now. You've got about five hours of video content plus implementation and different meditations that you can use and things that you could actually start to cultivate the relationship with yourself and with other people that you're so ready for. And that's why today I spoke, I specifically chose this episode to talk about is like, are you actually ready for a relationship?

Because I really want to start debunking what we think we're ready for versus what we're actually ready for. And so I hope you guys will join the course. It's just, it's something that means so much to me. And of course, as well, that's all going to be in the show notes as well as the bonus content is out. So now we have ad free so you can listen to all the podcast ever and for life now, add free as well as two bonus episodes. So if you guys loved the Tech Guy episode, that's what the bonus content will be. So you'll get an extra episode every month of Ask Me Anything so you guys can go on the website Supercast and you get to write in whatever questions you have, whatever thoughts you have, whatever you want an episode to be on.

And we're going to tailor that for you guys. So you guys get custom content exactly what you want for seven bucks a month. That just helps us continue on. And hey, you don't have to have ads. So it's such a win-win. And guys, if you're listening, please don't forget, rate this show. I will scream this from the rooftops. If you're watching on YouTube, follow along and subscribe. Please, please give it a thumbs up. If you're listening on Spotify or Apple, please rate and review the show wherever you're listening. It helps us grow and helps the charts and it helps me get better guests and it helps me

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That's all I ask for. But at the end of the day, we have resources for you. There are some free resources. But if you want to invest in your healing, there are opportunities to do that, work with me, or whatever you guys need. So that's just some housekeeping. Got to make those announcements so that you guys know about the course

and about the bonus content and about all the fun stuff that's going to come. So today, guys, I'm excited. We're going to talk about what is it actually mean to be ready to be in a relationship. What does that actually look like and the realities of being in a secure and healthy relationship? because we see so much clickbait and so much bullshit on the internet, but none of us actually know how the fuck to show up for our partner.

So I'm really excited. And without further ado, let's get right on into it, shall we? Oh, babes, another week. Another week together. And it's just, I love it. I love being here with you guys. I love being able to be with a video now. So if you haven't subscribed on YouTube, go, go, go. And I love that I can now help you guys in more ways. So thank you for everything. And just truly, thank you for allowing me to be me and for me allowing you guys to show up authentically. as well. So today, I've got my handy-dandy iPad here if you're watching because I have a list of questions that we are going to go over because otherwise I'll forget. And I really want to tackle specificities of what does it actually mean to be ready for a relationship? How do you know if you're actually ready? Just taking some stock. And again, that's really why I created the course that I created was because I wanted to give you guys a blueprint. I wanted to give you something that you can literally follow and implement and work on and like, okay, I did week one. Okay, what's coming up for me?

Let me journal. Let me implement some of this stuff. Let me try this meditation. I think so often we're so disconnected from ourselves because the pain feels so excruciating and it feels so scary to go back to those parts. But unless we go back to those parts, then we're not actually going to be able to show up for the relationship that we claim that we are ready for. I used to be that girl. I used to be the girl that would run around and say, but I'm ready and I can't meet anybody that's ready. And it's like, no, the reality was, I was meeting a lot of amazing people. I wasn't ready to receive that love. You know, like off the bat, if we're just even looking here, like segment one of the course is patterns, identifying patterns and behaviors. So if we can off the bat

look and say, okay, I keep saying I want this. I'm ready for a relationship. But yet that's not what I'm receiving. I'm receiving bullshit breadcrumbs. This person's being inconsistent. and the list goes on. And, you know, the reason I now am just saying people and they is because it's not just male versus female. Like I was even listening to a song yesterday, yuck by Charlie. I can't remember. And I love the song. I like bop out and kind of just get lost to it. And I was listening to the lyrics a little closer. And she's like, this guy's trying to give her love. And she's like the whole song, yuck. Like she's like, just give me my space. Leave me alone. Stop liking me. And it's like, oh, wait a minute. We have this common misconception that it's like always women that are ready and men aren't ready. And it's like, that's not the case. There are a lot of avoidant women. There are a lot of avoidant men. There are a lot of people that are scared of emotions that when someone tries to give them love, it's like, no, I'm good. And so I'm kind of tired of this like, it's all men, it's all women. It's like, no, it's people in general. And we are going to talk about human beings because love is love. I don't care what you love. I don't care what color they are. I don't care what ethnicity. I don't care what religion. I'm going to race.

I care that they are 18 and older and they are consenting adult. Those are sadly two important things I need to clarify. But that's really what matters to me. And I think if you're running around saying, but I'm ready and I can't meet anybody, we got to start looking at ourselves. We have to stop projecting that onto everybody and spewing it around as if it's everybody but us, because what do we have control over ourselves? Our lives, only us and our thought processes. Our thought processes. Like, I even had a client this morning and she was telling me how, like, growing up, her mother was just super negative. Everything was men ain't shit. Men are trash. They're always going to hurt you. And for so long, she was so unaware of that. And it's like, I totally,

can relate to that because like I had a mother who was very fear driven and she would constantly, you know, I love my mom to the moon and back. And that's the beauty of doing this work. Just because you do this work doesn't mean we have to villainize our parents. I can acknowledge that I love both of my parents, but they were not equipped to be parents at the time. They were not equipped to handle my needs as a child. That's really all this means. Is there more to it? Of course. Absolutely. And I think a lot of you guys asked actually about an episode, you know, my father is the only missing piece of this. He's not going to be on the podcast. That, will fly before that day comes. But Dr. Romani is coming on the podcast, and by the time this comes

out, it'll be about a month. But we're going to talk about family dynamics because I think it's so important for us to really peel back the layers. And we have to realize what you learned in childhood about relationships is all you're really going to know. Like if you listen to the Dr. Nicola Perra episode, like she was saying, when you're the only house on the block, you don't know what's going on in all the other homes. So we normalize our experiences. And then we wonder in our adult life, why our experiences, our reality and our desires aren't matching up. So we have to really start to actually peel back the layers and even just off the base start. Like, what does it mean to be ready for a relationship? Like, how do you actually know that you're ready for it? What does that

actually mean? So to me, being ready to be in a relationship goes so much deeper than we just like hang out. I get that all the time. Like, well, we have a great time in person and the sex is great. And it's like, okay, is that what you think a relationship is? Is that actually what you think? Because we're so used to going on our day to day. And it's like, no, a relationship means active listening, compassion, understanding, vulnerability, complete transparency. Let me emphasize a ridiculous amount of communication. Like I have said so many things to tech guy that make me very uncomfortable, but sometimes they're just necessary. And like, I'll even give you an example. Like, you know, I have told him what I need, but like that doesn't mean that he's.

always going to remember what I need. And the other night, I had an issue. I mentioned this with a friend and she was just being wildly inappropriate. The text she was sending were getting me really disregulated. And I knew in that moment, this has nothing to do with my partner, but I was upset because I'm human. And I was going on and going on and I was ranting. And he said, you know what, babe, you sound really tired. Why don't we stop talking about it? You sound like you're disregulated. And I just looked at him and I said, first of all, ab so fucking lootly not. I said, I'm in the middle of pouring out to you how upset I am. And I said, if you're genuinely thinking about me, if you genuinely care about me as your partner, then what, you know what I actually need,

I need you to listen to me. I need you to let me vent. I need you to validate my experience just to let me know that I'm a human and I'm allowed to feel this. And I need you to just listen. And I said, that sounds like you were uncomfortable with the fact that I was sad. You were uncomfortable with this emotion and you did not want to deal with it. But you're projecting that on to me as if now that's my issue. And I said, so if you genuinely love me, you want to support me. I said, then shut your fucking mouth, listen to me, let me cry and vent, and then we can move on from this. And he just stopped and he was like, you just called me out so hard. He was like, 100%. He was like, I was uncomfortable with this conversation and I was trying to just quell the environment. And he was like,

you're right. Please go on. And like, he allowed me to vent. I vented. And then we ended up just going downstairs watching a movie and having a great night. So like, it's really important when you're in a relationship for both partners to feel secure. He does that to me all the time. If I say something out of line or if I see something that he doesn't like or I see something that upsets him, I'm sorry. He's the first person to be like, absolutely not. Because the reality is that's, that's just holding boundaries and standing up for yourself. I grew up in a household where it was not possible to speak my mind or express myself. So for me, getting into a relationship meant I was never going to allow that again. In my own home, I want to feel safe, comfortable, confident,

secure. So that means I will never allow somebody to disrespect my own boundaries and my own fucking house. So we really have to look here and say, okay, what did I learn in childhood? And then what is being projected in dynamics in the house? And so if you say you're ready for a relationship, okay, are you ready to have hard conversations? Are you having hard conversations? How are you showing up for the relationships? Are you showing up open and vulnerable and being super transparent? Or are you showing up saying, no, I want to be the cool girl or I don't want to say too much. I don't want to push this person away. I just want to be on my best behavior. Because the reason that the cool girl, or the nice guy never actually get the relationship is because, one, they're not sustainable.

There's only so long that you can keep saying that you don't have an opinion and just want to do everything I want to do, like after a while that gets boring. But two, it's not realistic. You know what's really sexy? Having boundaries and having an opinion. It's having, when someone tells me, sorry, no, I'm busy that night. I have my friends in town and you're like, oh, wow. So you didn't just drop everything to be with me? Like, that's really sexy. You have mind of your own and you were okay with independence and interdependence. So there's a back. between, yeah, I'd love to see you, absolutely, but I also have plans. I'm not going to just cancel my entire life simply because you tell me that you're free. So it's like, when we even just

look at like, what does it actually mean to be ready? Being ready can mean different things for different people, you know what I mean? But it's like, are you emotionally available? So are you in touch with your wants, needs, and desires? Are you in touch with your emotions? So if you get triggered, do you understand where that trigger comes from? Do you understand? So like, when my partner, when we had that issue. I knew in that moment, it had nothing to do. It was not like he triggered me because the other version of me would have shut down and gone into my room and then just played silent. I'd been felt like my father just reprimanded me. And instead of choosing and reacting, I chose to put a speed bump and then take a second and say, no, that doesn't work for me.

And I'm going to express myself clearly with eye statements. I didn't curse. I didn't put him down. I didn't yell. I just said, I don't appreciate that. Here's what I actually need from you. and then we were able to communicate and move on. So if you're not even able to talk to somebody on a first date, ask questions of depth, or if you don't know, no, I don't want to say that. Then off the bat, I'll tell you, you do not have the emotional bandwidth to sustain a long-term, healthy, and secure relationship. Anybody can get into a relationship.

I've been in relationships that weren't great. And like, or we're just, oh, the guy was there. Okay, cool. Well, there's just somebody, right? And then what happens is I feel more alone in that relationship because I think there's that fallacy of a relationship just means that we net. Netflix and chill and that like we text all the time. But where is the depth? What are the questions that you're asking? What happens if you need that person? Do they show up for you? What is the depth of

your relationship? Are you genuinely able to be vulnerable, honest and communicative? Or are you hiding parts of yourself because you have your own core beliefs and you're scared of other people seeing them? Part of me knowing that I was ready to be in a relationship meant one, I was ready to take rejection. That wasn't that scary to me. Because the, so what does rejection mean? Rejection means being ridiculed or judged for who you are. Okay. So if somebody doesn't want to be in a relationship, whether it's with me or anybody else, that's why I'm so sick of this. Like, when somebody tells you that they're not ready for a relationship, they just mean with you. And it's like, what does it matter? How is that helping you? Honestly, all that does is make you feel even worse.

It makes you feel even worse about yourself. Oh, wow. So that's really specifically me? Well, fuck. Okay. What's the point? So it's like, I got very comfortable saying, I'm not for everybody. And I'm really okay with that. I know I'm not for everybody. Who am I? trying to kid. And I was okay with that. I was understanding. I was cognizant of that. I wasn't, I wasn't delusional and joking myself. I also understood there is going to be just because you meet somebody in a dating app or you meet somebody out in the world and you're like, oh my God, it felt so great. There are no guarantees that that is going to be a long-term relationship. And so mama's famous saying, you've got to love yourself more than the need to be loved by other

people. If you are constantly waiting for someone else to validate you and let you know that they choose you and you're worthy. Otherwise, your day goes to shit and you can't function and it's the end of the world, then again, you don't have the emotional stability to be in a long-term relationship because there are going to be plenty of times your partner's going to trigger you. There are going to be a lot of things that are going to hurt you and annoy you. How you show up is what matters more, not how it affects you. It's okay that you get triggered and you get thrown off and say, whoa, okay, new trauma unlocked. Yay, level up. But it's what do we do with that? How do we handle that? How do I show up?

How am I as a partner? Am I communicating that? It's so important to take stock. We're so focused on they're not showing up for me and they don't do this and they don't do this and they don't do this. But here's the reality. If you continue to allow it, you don't show up for yourself either. If you continue to allow bullshit behavior, you don't choose you.

You're so focused on if they are, you haven't stopped to accept yourself for who the fuck you are and acknowledge, yeah, I have wants, needs and desires. I understand if in childhood you're not allowed to do that. in my household, forget having wants needs and desires. Not an option. Not an option. Forget it. You would get hit. You would get walked out on. You'd get yelled. You'd get screamed at. Literal abandonment. So as an adult, it took me literally years. Like, we have to remember, you're looking at the me now. You haven't, you don't know me eight years ago. Oh, trust me. I wish I could get a fucking, like, data collection of how much of a hot mess I was because I was so in my shit. I was so in this loop of,

no, no, I'm ready and I want a relationship. But then when I'd go out on dates, I was self-abandoning. I never asked questions of depth. I would fuck somebody just to hope that they would fucking choose me. I would give of my body to say, oh, but look, now they want me. I'll get them to fall in love with me. Because that was the only way I was actually connecting with them. We weren't genuinely connecting.

I was attaching to them. And I was just now neurotransmitters are getting all the whole hell of blue. And it wasn't until I stopped and said, well, wait a minute, me having needs and desires doesn't mean there's anything wrong with me. And I had to work through that and give myself permission. to say you have every right to feel this. You have every right. Because a lot of the times what I get when you guys write in, there's a lack of self-trust.

If you want to be in a healthy and secure relationship, you have got to learn to fucking trust yourself. Because if you trust yourself that one, no matter what you'll be okay, whether you're good before them, you'll be good after. And if you're like, no, I wasn't good before them, well then bitch, what makes you think you'll be great after them? You think that this person, again, in addition to not instead of. So if you're not building a life that you love so much independently, you just,

And listen, not every day. I'm not saying that every day you need to be waking up being like, hazza, everything's amazing. It's like, no, no, no, that's not being a human. But if you're not saying, I feel fulfilled within my own life, I have great friends, I've got a support system, I've got the people. It doesn't necessarily need to be that I've all my family. Everybody has different family dynamics. That doesn't mean that you're happier, you're not. I'm fulfilled within my career.

I have passions outside of my career. I've accepted myself. I've accepted who I am. I've genuinely done the work to say, okay, I have this, sadness. That's okay. That makes me a human. I show myself compassion and love and understanding. I don't blame and belittle myself because something goes wrong. Great. Then now we, now we could start to show up for a relationship. If I can show up for myself, like even this morning, I had a 6 a.m. class. And TECA, he was like, whoa, you've been going at it hard this week. He's like 6 a.m. classes every morning. And I said, you know why? Do I love?

like waking up at 4.30 and doing all my morning stuff and answering me the emails before I even fucking walk out the door and do all that. Then I go to class and then I come home and I've got three clients and then I have a podcast and that's my day. But I love it. And the reason I love it is because I'm choosing me. I'm saying my health and wellness matters, even if it's just a small yoga class. Today it was a bar class. I needed to move for myself. That was a promise I committed to myself. I made that promise that I know what makes me feel good. I know what I need to regulate my nervous system. And that meant I had to make sacrifices. No, I can't cuddle in bed all morning. I'm getting my ass up to go and do what I need to do for myself because I enjoy interdependence as well as

independence. I love being with my partner. But when I'm not with my partner, my life goes on. I'm continuing to live it for myself. But that's because I trust myself. I know what I need. And I've given myself permission to have those needs. So off the bat, are you, do you have a strong sense of self. Do you have healthy boundaries? Do you have effective communication? So already, if you're telling me, no, that's okay. So then maybe we can acknowledge, you know what? Maybe I'm not actually as ready for a relationship as I thought I was. That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. It's okay to say, shit, I thought I was super emotionally available, but maybe not. Because it's like, are you genuinely trying to get to know somebody where you're having conversations of depth and you're really enjoying

this person and you feel really fulfilled? But like when you're not with them, you're okay? when you're with them, you're okay? Like, a little anxiety is normal. Let's also normalize that. It's of normal to leave and be like, oh, am I ever going to see this person again? I liked them. I thought they were really cool.

When it becomes an issue is when you start to attack yourself because of it, when you self-abandon and say, oh, well, it must be this or I'm this, or vice versa, when you're super, whether you're anxious or avoidant, when you start to retreat and say, no, no, I'm only going to hurt this person. I can't handle the rejection. I'll just leave. It's easier. I don't want to let anyone down.

So if we can push past that and say, no, I'm genuinely excited and curious to get to know people. If it works out great and if it doesn't, it doesn't. I've surrendered. I'm not holding out because they are not safety. We put, we redo child parent dynamic. When you put somebody in a pedestal, what you're saying is, I'm only safe if I have them. And that's why your body feels like you're going to die. You start to have shortness of breath. Oh yeah. Heart palpitations. You start to feel a wave of heat over. Maybe your eyes start to dart. You start to sweat. What are all those? If you were in the jungle and there was a tiger and you thought you were going to die, guess what's going to happen to you. The problem is this is some schmo that you literally met once and you just didn't get a

text from them. So you see how your body is like, hey, I don't know what's going on. So it's okay to feel a normal like, oh yeah, it's a little anxiety inducing. I don't know if I'm ever going to see this person again. That's why I suggest go slow. Make sure that this person's showing up consistently. So if you're love bombing and no, no, slow is really uncomfortable to me. It's like again, listen, if you can rush into whatever you want. Let me also preface that. If you want to rush into a relationship, that's okay. That's on you. But then it can't be that if it doesn't work, that it's all of a sudden just the whole fucking world comes to a crumble. It's like having high expectations.

You are allowed to do whatever you want. But it's not about fine, then lower your expectations. It's like, okay, that's one option. But then the other option would be then I need to hire my resistance and my resilience to what I don't get. So it can't be that I have all these expectations. I don't communicate. And then when I don't get them, I'm crumbled. It's like, that sounds like a child.

That sounds like a kid who had a temper tantrum expecting that their parents were going to just read their mind and know their needs. And then when they didn't get it, they acted out. Okay, that might have worked with your parents. that doesn't work with these strangers at your meeting. And like even, oh, talk about a story time. One of my clients was even telling me how, like, you went on two dates with a girl and she was already asking him. If it's not a fuck yes, it's a no, I know what I want.

I deserve this and I'm ready for it. And it's like, no, you're not. No, you're not. Because if you're actually ready, you genuinely know your worth, then you're not going to wait for that other person to tell you what your fucking worth is or to tell you if they choose you, especially after two dates. Because when you're secure and you're like, whoa. Okay.

you and so already you want me to make these vast determinations. I get it. If you feel like that anxiety, work on your shit. Heal your shit. Work on what's coming up for you as opposed to projecting it onto everybody else. Guess what? No one's coming to save you. Nobody is going to come and get you as a child. Your parents didn't fucking change. These people aren't going to either. No, it's not a rom-com. It's not a Disney movie. This is real life. And we need to face real life like adults. that if somebody is wildly emotionally unavailable and you continue to go for them, you are not ready because you are also avoiding the, you're avoiding it. If you meet somebody that's unavailable and you continue to go for that person,

and yet you keep siren-songing that you're so ready and you're so ready, you're actually just kidding yourself. Because what's actually happening is you're avoiding looking at yourself and you're avoiding holding the boundaries and the non-negotiables that you need. Because if you were genuinely ready, you'll walk away from that bullshit so much quicker. Because when you genuinely value yourself and have a high self-value, high self-worth, not being a high-value woman or man. Having self-worth is different than calling yourself a high-value human being. I'd love to know, where is that line of value? No, I know my worth. I have a

high self-worth because I love myself and I accept myself. And if you don't, that's cool. That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with me or you. That just means you're not for me. See, I don't need to create a narrative. I don't need to create this whole story. I can just clearly see it as, that's a you thing, not a me thing. And that's the biggest difference between. somebody secure and somebody with insecure. Insecure takes it as it's something wrong with me. A secure person would say, oh, yikes, that sounds like a you problem. That's not a reflection of who I am. So it's like, okay, how do you know you're ready for a relationship? Have you accepted the breakup or the last relationship that you had and you feel at peace with it? It might not mean that you're skipping

on daisies and roses every day, but you understand, listen, it needed to end. Me and this person are not good for each other. You know, here's what happened. Here's my part. Here's theirs. Cool. I'm ready to accept and acknowledge that's over and move on with my life. Awesome. I deserve better. Are you emotionally stable? Or you constantly just like always crying every five seconds or exploding or have incredible resentment towards your ex and you're always angry.

It's like we have to stop and say, I don't think then you're going to be ready for a relationship because it's going to be really difficult for you to open yourself up authentically to somebody new when you were still harboring feelings for an ex. And that is okay. I know you might not know what you want to hear. but don't get under somebody new just to get over somebody else. Then all you're doing is avoiding the pain. You're just next, next, next.

That's why avoidance can go from relationship to relationship. They don't process because the processing is where we start to grow and learn and feel the hard feelings. So you want to see if you're ready for a relationship. How do you handle things? How do you know how to emotionally regulate yourself? Are you able to be also, by the way, being regulated doesn't mean that you never feel anything. Being regulated just means that you have control over your emotions. I mean, look, I was just looking at our story the other day that somebody didn't get guacket, Chipoli, so he shot the guy.

Are you fucking kidding me? Talk about, like, not having any security or managing any of your emotions. Like, that's just not appropriate. It's the same with, like, when you just explode. That's the whole thing with my anxious folks. Just because you communicate, you claim that you're communicating. That's not actual communication. Screaming, blowing up, sending 100 text messages in a row.

That is trying to, that's a bid for connection. That is protest behavior where you're trying to get the connection back because you're, you feel like there's a threat to it. That's very different than clearly communicating how you feel and seeing if the other fucking person aligns with it. Just calling it what it is. Are you excited or interested to meet new people? Genuinely.

Because like when I was dating, I noticed, and like this was part of that self-reflection, I noticed that I would get angry after a date. If I went out and it didn't work out, I'd come home crash and I'd be so sad. And then I'd be doing. I was like, you know what? I'm not ready. I'm not ready to be doing this. I haven't cultivated enough of an inner peace within myself.

which is again why I always suggest to fucking meditate. I'm not saying that just because it's a fun buzzword and I'm like, oh my God, do what everyone else is doing. I meditated yesterday and I'm so grateful I did because I meditated for 20 minutes. I have this thing called Brain Tap. It's fucking awesome. I actually bought it. This isn't even a sponsored thing.

And you put it on and it uses like sound and music and lights and things to help you get into different brain waves. And I had never felt so calm. Honestly, like never in my life felt so calm. And when I opened my eyes, of course life happens. You pick up your phone. your body reacts a little bit. And I remember I got a text from somebody and it was normally it would have been something triggering. And I ended up handling it in a way that it was so proud of.

We ended up having a great conversation. And it was amazing. And like the reason that we do this is because when you meditate and you understand what that genuine peace feels like, then you're more aware of how you feel around other people. So if you're ready to date and you're getting out there, then it's important to see, whoa, do I feel like high highs and low lows with this person? Am I feeling constant anxiety? Okay, I don't want to deal with that. That's not, I want to I want calm. I want my nervous system to feel at ease. I'll never forget this guy I went on a couple of dates with that was on his profile. He said like sign of a great first date, my nervous system is relaxed. And I remember being like, huh? And I was like, oh, that was years ago.

And I was like, oh, I get it. So it's like, you know, if your self-worth and self-esteem is tied to whether you have a partner or not, if you think that, oh, I'm going to be happy if this, I'll be happy when this, you're not ready for a relationship. And that's okay. That's okay. because you're putting your happiness into the other hand. You're putting your happiness in when this happens, this happens. What ends up happening is dopamine is the reward drug. So dopamine gets released in anticipation of. And then serotonin gets released when you actually get it.

So that's why waiting for a text, that's that drip of dopamine. And then when you get it, have you ever noticed that waiting for it's a lot more exciting than when you actually get it? Because it's not about the other person. It's not, it's about the reward system. Okay, I got it. The high high. And then you crash after because you're riding the wave.

You're the high. And then you come back down. It's not sustainable. that's only going to just cause you to be even more. It's going to be more turmoil. And then when you meet somebody healthy and secure that's trying to give you the love, if you haven't addressed your own core beliefs and your own self-worth, then it's always going to be, no, that's why you always notice how I don't want the guys that want me or the

girls that want me, but I only want the people that don't. It's like, yeah, because that triggers your core beliefs. That triggers shit from childhood. That shows a different dynamic. Let me guess. Is that how your parents were? Let me ask you a question. Were you able to change your parents?

Didn't fucking think so. So stop trying to change other people. The only person you can change is yourself, but you have to be ready to do that. So you say you're ready for a relationship. Okay, let's see it. How can you start to work on being ready for a relationship? So first off, work with somebody. Go to fucking therapy.

And I'm not just saying that as like, oh, go to therapy. It's like cool buzzword. Talk to somebody. A friend, a coach, a counselor, a therapist, just somebody that you can trust. And say, hey, I'm noticing some patterns. Can we talk about this? can we unpack this? I need to stop getting defensive. It's like the no accountability thing. Talk about not being ready. I had somebody write in because she missed her appointment. She missed her

fucking appointment with me. I waited 25 minutes on the live. She was in the Zoom. She never showed up. My assistant sent her the same email we send everybody. It's the same when you book with me, when you sign up, every email that you get all stayed in there. Missed appointments won't be rescheduled. That's it. I have a waiting list of a month. So if you miss your appointment, that meant other people missed it and that's my time. I am running a fucking business and those are my boundaries. And so then she writes back later excuses. All of this excuse, excuse, excuse. And my assistant told her, I am sorry. Unfortunately, those are the policies. We didn't hear from you. You got four emails that reminded you of it. You booked this a month ago. Like, you have to be an adult. Eventually, you have to take

accountability. Then it turned into, no, your emails were misleading and your emails were the, and I finally, and then it was you're doing this and it was just cons. Everything was me. And then I finally had to stop and say, this is why you're stuck in your shit. Take ownership. you're right, I fucked up. I should have done this. I should have scheduled this. I didn't, and that's okay. I'm learning and I'm a human. Instead, it was no, everybody else is the problem. You will never have a fucking relationship if all you do is blame everybody else instead of just saying, yeah, you're right. I shouldn't have said that. Or I'm sorry, I fucked up. I do that all the time. I'll tell tech I'm like, that was on me. I apologize. I'm like, I, whatever, the reasoning,

it doesn't really matter. The reasoning doesn't, I fucked up and I'm sorry. It takes a lot to put your ego aside and be like, yeah, you're right. I've done. I've done. that I've missed classes before. And then you email class pass and they're like, sorry, that's our, that's our policy. You missed it. You missed it. And it's like, that's true. I have to then say, that's on me. I need to take accountability of my own fucking life. So if you're not somebody that can take accountability, say I'm sorry, have a conversation, show some vulnerability. Again, how do you want to have a relationship? So work with somebody. Talk to people, start investigating what this means. And like, let's talk even about like misconceptions. You're not ready.

because you're the weight that you want to be or, oh, no, no, now I have the job I want. Again, if you are waiting to be ready for an external factor, then you are kidding yourself. And I know it because I've done it. I used to think, no, no, no, when I get to this weight, I'm going to do it. And I did it. I hit my goals. I achieved my goals. I did all that. And I was more miserable. I was more miserable when I actually hit what I thought I wanted. And then now that I have what I need, I'm like, oh, got it. So being ready isn't that everything is perfect in your life and now that person can fit. Being ready means I can handle the ebs and I can handle the flow. I hate it all the time.

I was dating this person and then something. They lost their job and then they freaked out and they removed themselves and they're not ready. And it's like, yeah, for some people, that's a reality. But the reality is then they were not ready for a relationship because life is going to happen. When you are in a relationship with somebody, do you think everything's just always going to go well? I don't know whoever said relationships are easy. They fucking lied to you. It's not that they're easy, but they flow.

You know what is easy for me is to make the decision that I always show up for my relationship consistently, that I always show up for my partner because we are together. We are not against each other. It's not me versus you. It's us. So when we talk about stuff, if he tells me something that hurts him or I tell him something, getting defensive and being against each other and trying to defend my actions and behavior is only harming our relationship.

Instead of saying, hey, listen, I might not agree with your interpretation of that, but I can validate your experience and say, I can understand how that could hurt you. And I'm so sorry. That was absolutely never my intention. But thank you for telling me that. Because again, this is your partner. Do you really want to be a, you want a partnership? Well, then start acting like a fucking teammate.

Start showing up like that. And so it's like, I think we have this common misconception that it has to be easy or has to do this or conflict free. Any conflict I have to run. And it's like, no, again, that's not real life. It's not just always going to be daisies and roses. there's going to be issues. And it's about how do I show up for those and how does my partner show up? Why do you think I say, okay, you guys are focusing on the fucking texting and all you're

doing is focusing on texting? You think you're ready for a relationship just because you're on your fucking phone all day with this person? Where are they? Where are they? I'd much rather have somebody that shows up for me than somebody that just texts me all day. So much rather. Because that's really building a relationship of depth is that I can actually rely on

somebody. You know how you build trust in a relationship? somebody says that they're going to do something and then they show up. And then when they say they're going to do it, then they show up. And if they don't, that's okay. They communicate that. It's those little things. I want words and actions to align. Are my words and actions aligning? You want everybody else to show up for you. Are you showing up for yourself? That's the number one question to start asking. I want you to start really looking at what is it I say that I want and what am I receiving? Where's the disconnect? What's within my control? So if I say I want a relationship

and I'm only receiving unavailable, what's the disconnect? I'm not setting boundaries. I'm not actually holding my non-negotiables. I'm not actually showing up in the way that I claim that I want people to show up for me. Well, then off the bat right there, you might not be ready. And that's okay. Because again, it's not that you just haven't, it's not, oh, I just haven't met the right person. You're meeting tons of amazing people.

There's nine billion people on the planet. It's just if you're not genuinely ready to start exploring different kinds of connections, being ready to receive when somebody wants to give you the love and not getting turned off and saying, but why, I just want the guys that don't want me or I just want the girls that don't want me. It's like, enjoy that hamster wheel. It's just, it's a reality. Like, you are able to grow in a relationship as well. So again, if you think, no, no, I'm just not ready for a relationship. I'd like you to ask yourself, what does that mean? Am I not ready to show up authentically? Am I not ready to have hard conversations? Am I not ready to face my own shit? Am I not ready to, that's

why again, if somebody tells you they're not ready, I always first ask and say, well, whoa, well, well, first of all, what does that mean to you? What does that mean to you? Honestly, and if they're like, I don't even know this is just too much. Then I can off the bat just tell, hey, this isn't for me. This isn't for me. Being ready for a relationship also means and implies if you're secure that you're willing to walk away from people that don't align with what it is that you want without creating a narrative and then make space for the people that are. Because we only obsess over people that aren't safe to us because the idea of who we built them up to be is so much better than who they actually fucking are. And we're constantly projecting.

But I want them to do this. And here's in that space of when you don't hear from them, and then the fantasies that you're creating, how would I show up for me? I used to do that all the time. I'd think about the guys that I'd like and be like, oh my God. And imagine if he like showed up on my house with roses and he like did this. And it's like, that's how I would court me. But that wasn't what he was doing. And then sometimes I even had to ask like, I love Ryan. But like when we first started dating, I missed a lot of the ways he showed me love until we talked about it. And he said, you know, I show love by doing this, this and this. And I was like, oh, I totally missed that. I was just seeing it as how I do it.

And that's why it's so important to ask people in early dating like, well, how do you like to give and receive love? How does that work for you? How do you like to be supported? How can I show up for you? Here's how I like to be supported. It's communicating. And if you're a, I don't want to have to teach somebody. Girl, boy, whatever.

Good fucking luck. If you think people are just going to read your mind and that's, then you're, again, you're not ready for a relationship. And that is okay. But there's a lot of adulting and fucking maturing that needs to happen if you really want to have an adult relationship. then we need to show up as that. So there's never shame and blame in anything I'm saying. It's just a reality of that's true. How am I showing up for people?

You want to build trust and intimacy? Express your feelings. Be honest and open. Show appreciation. So when somebody does something, hey, I have to tell you, I loved when you shared that with me. It made me feel so much closer to you.

And it makes me really excited because I love learning more about you. If you're looking at me and saying, I would never say that. Great. Are you able to even receive that? If somebody came to you and said that, would you be like, I can't.

Yeah. That's why it's hard to show up like that when we're scared to receive that. So again, it's just about taking stock and understanding, like, it's normal to have, like, issues with somebody that you're dating. But if you start to blame them, if you start to, like, have no accountability, you shut down, you withdraw, you stonewall. Stonewalling is when you just go. silent and you blatantly ignore that person, even with all the attempts that they're trying to make,

you're literally pulling up a stone wall. Are you attacking your partner? Like, these are all things to start asking yourself. If you're like, fuck, I do that every time. It's like, again, then you just might not have the tools that you need. That could also be not ready for a relationship, could also be a code for, I don't have the tools I need to show up for a partner. I don't even have the tools I need to show up for myself. That's what I mean by it. We don't need to create a narrative. If somebody tells you they're not ready or that whatever. If somebody even, just because also, spoiler alert, just because somebody says that they're ready for a relationship

does not mean that they automatically want one with you. And I get this every day. He lied to me. He misled me. He told me he wanted a relationship and blah, blah, blah. And then we dated for two months. And then he said he wasn't feeling it. It's like, no, that person dated you.

That's the fucking point of dating is to assess if this is somebody you want to be with. And if you dated somebody for one, two, three months, there are no fucking guarantees. that person does not have to choose you. You also don't have to choose them. Is that not a beautiful thing? I have dated people for two, three months and gone, yeah, no, I'm not feeling this. I thought I was. I kept getting to know you.

That didn't mean that I wasn't still ready for a relationship. That just meant that I was making that decision that this was not the person I wanted to be in a relationship with. Again, what I mean by, we can't create these narratives and these stories because what that is, that's just core beliefs. When you create this whole, well, it's because of this and this and this. What facts do you have to back that up? Could you be accurate? 100%. Could you be inaccurate?

100%. Does it actually matter, though? Does genuinely matter why someone's not ready? When I just hear that and they say, I don't want to pursue this, that's it. End of the fucking road. Your gas just ran out of car. Stop trying to push it all the way down and do all the work to get it so that you get to where you want to go.

It takes two willing participants who are vulnerable, open, transparent, honest, and want to show up, have the bandwidth and the tools to show up. that doesn't mean it always has to be perfect. But if you're dating somebody, y'all are in therapy, you're both putting it towards the effort, the work, you're really fucking trying to show up for each other. Well, then consider that worth its weight in gold because it's not going to be perfect

and you're not going to get everything that you want. Get rid of your fucking checklist. I'm happy with 80%. What's 20% I can get rid of, right? But 80%, I need to have these things. And I got so clear on what I wanted. That way when I met tech guy, he was able to give it to me and I could receive it and I could identify it.

For so long, I would say, man, I'm so swamped in the days. I just want somebody that would like, think of me, make me lunch when they know I'm busy, things like that. And I would never forget leaving his house after like our third or fourth date. And he was like, by the way, I packed you a lunch. I know you mentioned that you had clients all day tomorrow and I wanted to make sure that you were ready, that you had your lunch. And I just sat there and I was like, this is what I've been saying I wanted.

And now it was, holy shit, I have to receive this. And I remember just being like, oh my God, thank you. And then eating that lunch and being like, fuck, yeah. I deserve this. Not pushing it away. No, he's too good for me. No, I deserve this. This is what I've been speaking into the ether that I wanted for so long. But now I have to also show up for that. And I have to be ready to receive that. So get really clear on what it is that you want, what you're willing to accept, how you want to be treated? How are you going to feel? So when you have stress, how do you want to feel with that person? Super calm and relax. Okay, well, you might have

to work to get there. But okay, I want to know that when I'm stressed, I could go to my partner and talk to them because I know that it's safe. They're not going to judge me or ridicule. me. And if you're not sure, then maybe we need to start trying. Again, we have to face those fears. It's not that you're saying, okay, cool, they walk away. What's so scary about that? It's the feeling that will be evoked if they walk away. It's not the actual them leaving. I don't know who these people are that well. But my amygdala and my little brain, my little brain, my brain, understands that it can't differentiate between the pain now and the pain then. It just sees someone leaving and it associates. That's my father. That's it. Same pain. Same exact experiences. It doesn't

understand that I'm an adult now with freedom and money and credit cards. So it's okay. I understand if that feels foreign. But it's time to start taking some stock of, am I genuinely ready for a relationship? Is it worth fighting for this? Are we making progress? Is this, am I self-abandoning? Am I letting go of my wants needs and desires for somebody else?

Am I not feeling fulfilled? Am I having conversations with this person? and it's still not changing. Okay, well, then what are we doing here? Again, what are you fighting for? You get to make decisions now. You're not a child in your room who's locked away and doesn't get to make choices. You have choices now. So let's empower you to fucking make those choices, to choose yourself, to show up for yourself, to do the fucking work for yourself, not for other people. Because when you do it for you, you're going towards a goal. You're not running away from a fear. So with that, my babies, another fucking solo week. I'm so grateful for you guys. And if this resonated with you, join the course.

If you feel like, oh my God, I need to start really digging in. Come join us. You get to do it anytime you want. It's self-guided and you have it for life. You can always go back to it. You can always use the prompts and the journals and the meditations because I want to support you guys in the best fucking way that I can. I can't work with everybody one-on-one, but I can at least try to help you guys meet you where you are. If you guys want more, please join the bonus content. Please subscribe. Please like, share with your friends, follow along on the socials. TikTok is who knows where, but Instagram, do the work podcast, and Sabrina. Dot Zohar.

Guys, thank you again, as always. Love you to the moon and back. And until next time, my babes.