The Sabrina Zohar Show - 74: Dating Fatigue and What It Actually Means To Go Slow

Episode Date: May 10, 2024

Sabrina gets real about dating fatigue and common misconceptions during and after dating. Does it ever end after you get into a relationship? She breaks down the sources of exhaustion and how to counter it by focusing on what you can control about the dating experience. You can create a life around your dating experience and still feel the highs and lows of dating. It is essential to validate those emotions before re-evaluating the exhaustion. Your expectations of the dating experience need to change and include being practical about the pace of getting to know someone. Sabrina lays out what it means to go slow while dating and how it can help you make the most of the dating experience. Want to work with Sabrina? HERE! Stuck After the Podcast? Master Implementation in 8 Weeks with Sabrina's Foundation Course Join the Make It Make Sense: Getting Through a Breakup course HERE! Get Ad-free episodes and 2 Bonus episodes a month HERE! Dont forget to follow Sabrina and The Sabrina Zohar Show on instagram and Sabrina on Tik tok! Video now available on YOUTUBE!  Please support our sponsors! Get 10% off your first month of Betterhelp HERE! Get $10 off and FREE shipping at Nutrofol HERE! Code is DOTHEWORK Get 15% off on your entire first order HERE! Code is DOTHEWORK Disclaimer: The Sabrina Zohar Show, formally known as Do The Work, is not affiliated with A.Z & associates LLC in any capacity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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And welcome to another episode of Do the Work Podcast. My name is Sabrina Zohar and I am your host. We're back for another solo babes. We had back-to-back accents on the podcast. We had Matthew Hussey, which we love Matthew. What a sweetheart. We had Lisa. Oh, my God.

Lisa's incredible. And then now me, babies. Now we're back. And today we're going to talk about a very highly requested episode. And we are going to go into dating fatigue and what it actually means to go slow in dating. And I have a slew of questions that you guys asked. So I'm going to be kind of spitfiring a little bit more today and trying to get through as many as I can. But nonetheless, we're going to talk about it all. Now before, let's do some

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So let's get going, shall we? So the first thing I kind of wanted to talk about was dating fatigue. Now, I get it. I totally understand. it's really hard sometimes. It feels exhausting. It feels sometimes that you're like, man, am I ever going to fucking be done with this? And here's a harsh reality. Dating can be tiring. Dating can be difficult. Dating can be all of those things. Just wait until you get into a relationship. It's not, it doesn't just get easier. Honestly, what ends up, it becomes a little bit more difficult.

You're out of the honeymoon phase. You're now dealing with each other as two human beings in front of each other, like, there we go, fucking naked and exposed to the world. That's it. And so I think there's that misconception that like dating is so hard. I'm so, so tired. It's like, babies, if we're already tired now, if you're blowing your load before the fucking marathon has even started, it's like, just wait until you're at mile 24, right? And I'm not saying that to scare you guys. I'm saying that because it's about a mindset shift. And so what my first thing, like, there were so many questions of like, I'm just exhausted, I'm exhausted, and I'm this and I'm this. and I'm a relationship person and I'm tired of doing all this.

And it's like, okay, so what I get from a lot of this is our expectations. Our expectations, if you don't have a resilience to your expectations not being met, then it's always going to be exhausting. It's always going to be tiring because it's like we're constantly waiting for other people to show up for us in a way that we deem they need to show up for us. And then when they don't, it's hell in a handbasket. And it's like, well, but it's okay to have high standards and expectations if that's how you want to live your life, that's fine. But then that also comes with a price of, but when people don't

match those, it can't be the House of Cards Falls. I'm learning that even in my own journey with therapy. And my therapist and I've been talking about that. Like, if one thing doesn't go my way in business, like, I will crumble. And it's like, and I'm, I've actively been working on that to regulate myself and say like, okay, this one thing didn't work. That doesn't mean that there's not 400 other things that I can work on because that's what's in my control. So off the bat, if we're saying I'm exhausted in dating and this is really tough and all of these things. I want you to ask yourself, what do I have control over? It's such a great way to empower yourself of like, what do I have control over? I don't have control over who I meet, right? I have control over who I allow in my life,

but I can't control who's going to come across my desk, right? Like if somebody comes up, if I go out to a bar, I can't control who's going to be out that night. But what I can control is my mindset, my outlook, my expectations, how I show up, how I act, how I handle myself, and who I engage with. So I can't choose who's out there necessarily. I don't know all the people on the apps, but I get to choose who I want to engage with and have a conversation with.

And I see it. I know a lot of the fatigue comes because a lot of you guys are trying to fit a circle through a square peg. I'm just going to say it. Because when you're secure in who you are and you know that your life is there in addition to your life non-stead of,

then dating becomes just another aspect of your life. It's not the life that you're trying. You're not trying to create a life around your dating experiences. And what I mean by that is, if you're not living a life that's full on your own, friends, family, a career that you're passionate about, hobbies, things outside of whatever, you know, things outside of just a relationship, well, then yeah, it's going to be exhausting if we're always, that's my source of happiness. That's what I want. That doesn't mean that you can't still feel emotions and sadness and all of those things when they don't work out.

You are human. That's very normal. And we do need to normalize. There's no such thing as like a negative It's a bad emotion. Well, no, might not be an emotion you like, but that doesn't make it bad. Sadness, grief, anxiety, without those, how would you appreciate the good in life? How would you appreciate the positives if we don't also have the negatives? And I think there's a lot of this like just very fragile, this fragility of like, no, no, no, it has to be good. Otherwise, I can't handle it. And it's like, but you can.

It's just a matter of what's your perception of the difficulty and what you can and can't handle. And so even when we're talking about the fatigue, I see it all the time and I used to do it, where I'd match with somebody on the app and it's like, when I clearly saw it was low effort, so like I'd be sending them a message and they would just match back and say like it would just start the conversation. And then they wouldn't say anything. And then I'd be like, hey, you know, I'd be like, I'm pretty sure I started this, but like, cool.

And then I'd go. And then I would constantly focus on like, how can I keep this going? How can I get them to come out with me? How can I get this? I was trying so hard to get that outcome. Oh, no, no. I want them to go out with me because then once they meet, me, they're going to see how amazing I am and all of this. That's why it's fucking exhausting.

Because when we have boundaries and parameters around our dating life, you're protecting yourself. Because remember, boundaries don't keep people out. They protect what's in. So if you're just finding this is all exhausting, it's like, well, then maybe we need to look at where is the fatigue coming from. Is it coming from, I keep having all of these dates and I'm so tired of going out on dates. Great. Then here's my advice for you. Stop going out on dates that don't fit into your life. So if every time you go on in a dinner date, you're exhausted and you have drinks and then the next day you're off the cocked and you're not getting your work done and there's this whole schmiel and blah, blah, then that's when you need to say, I have to take control of what I can control, which is, cool, I'm going to allow myself two dates at night this week and it's not going to be a first date. I personally did not do drinks and dinner for a first date unless it was like, you know, wait, a FaceTime vibe check and like we really at least had a rapport of like, okay, I can have a conversation with this person. And that's one thing.

But it was exhausting for me. I would go out and I'd get all gussied up and I'd be doll dolled up and I'd get all excited and I'd put all of this pressure on this having to work out. And then after it's like, God damn it. And I either tried to convince myself of it or I'd get so conflated and so excited. And it's like it wasn't sustainable. And so it's like maybe then create dates that are convenient for you. So like what I would do is when someone would be like, hey, you want to grab like,

do you want to hang out this week or want to do something I'd love to meet. You would be like, yeah. You know what? I'm actually, I'm going to go to class. I don't know if you do yoga. You're welcome to come with me. And then we can go grab a smoothie or a coffee after. Or I'd be like, you know, this is when I lived in Venice.

I'm like, hey, I'm going to go by Airwan. Do you want to meet me there? We could grab a matcha and go walk on a bikini and then I can walk home. Or I'm going to take my dog for a walk. Why don't you meet me by the beach or whatever? Like, I did practical dates so that I wasn't exhausted. It was just, hey, I'm meeting new people. And I took the pressure off of like, it has to work and this.

Instead, I just saw it as I'm meeting new people. So when I met Ryan, tech guy. When I met him, it was a hike date. And we met at a very public fucking hike. So many people that were like, that's dangerous. I'm like, there was baseball fields around. The parking lot was so full. We couldn't even park there.

It's like, I'm not, let's also use critical thinking. Like, you don't need to put yourself in fucking danger. But like, let me tell you, babes, those are also the same people that will say that they go to someone's house for a first fucking date or go for drinks. And it's like, you don't think someone can slip something in your drink any easier? Like, let's just, we got to be more comprehensive here of the dates that we're willing to allow that you have control over. And we went on a hike. And then I remember we walked, he walked to the, we went to the cars. And he said, listen, we can part ways now or we can go grab dinner. It's like it's whatever you really want to do.

Like, like, we can go back to my house. I'm close. And we can just get changed and go eat. And I remember thinking like, yeah, this went nice. Like, I'd see him again. I was like, I'd see him again. I was like, I have nothing else to do tonight. Like, why not? Let me spend a little bit time with him. And then like, we ended up hooking up and going up to dinner. Whoops. My point being being was when you're, if you're fatigued and you're going through all this and you're like, wow, I have so many things I need to do in this day. It's like, then maybe we shouldn't prioritize a date over taking care of yourself. You know, and it's like we have to look out for ourselves because realistically, no one else is going to look out for you like that. As much as I love

all of you, I can't look out for every one of you like that. You have to rely solely on yourself to make sure that you are okay. Of course, your friends, family, things like that. But they're not with you all the time to make sure you're not getting burned out to make sure that you're showing up effectively. It's like, at the end of the day, we have to take responsibility and ownership of ourselves. And that is something that you could do. So if we're completely burning out, it's like, again, what is the depth of your relationships? What are these dates looking like? What is the expectations that we're going in with? What is the mindset that we're going in with? What are the, what is, are you outcome driven? And so that everything feels like it's an uphill battle because you just want a relationship so bad. And it's like,

but then again, isn't that in addition to your life, not instead of? You have every right to want a relationship like any other person, but that can't outweigh. Remember, mama said you got to love yourself more than the need to be loved by other people. That can't outweigh your life that you currently live. Because here's a harsh reality. It's not going to get easier. It doesn't just get easier. Once you get into a relationship,

a whole new slew of things are going to open up that are going to tire you and fatigue you. Because you're an adult. It's the same with work. It's like you finish one project and then you're like, fuck, I didn't even have a chance to breathe before more came onto my desk. Yeah, it's always going to be something. but it's about what's the resilience that I've grown and what do I have?

How do I show up? How do I take care of myself? Otherwise, it's like, I'm not going to lie with you guys. A ton of the questions that came in. Very victim mentality. Very just like, everything. It's like, I wish you guys knew how many of you asked the same fucking questions because you're not alone.

It's not a woe is me. Nobody gets me. It's just I'm alone on this island. It's like, you know, if you want to keep living in that, that's okay. I'll meet you where you're at. But then eventually we have to look and say, okay, I need to take control of my fucking life. I need to be in control of this, which leads me to going slow. Okay.

Let's talk about what it actually means to go slow. So going slow in dating isn't just an excuse for bad behavior. Going slow doesn't just mean that it's, oh, listen, I just want to like go with the flow. I don't want to add any pressure. It's like, no, that's just bad behavior. That's just bullshit. Going slow just means you're not expediting the stages of the relationship quicker than they need to be. So you meet somebody. I got a question today. We met a month and after before our one month anniversary, I met his friends and family. We went traveling and went to meet his friends and family.

blah blah. And then at the month mark, I told him something about me and then he completely left and now he doesn't want to talk to me again. It's like, that is rushing. That is expediting. And I know, oh my God, boy, oh boy, do I know how good it feels when you meet somebody and you're like, yeah, you're choosing me like I choose you and let's just dive on in. But you're doing the relationship shit before you're in a fucking relationship. And so the answer isn't, well, after a first date, I want to be exclusive. It's like, how do you know that person? What the fuck do you know about somebody after two or three hours of spending time with them. Cut the bullshit of like, we'll be text every day and me FaceTime. It's like, but you're not actually getting to know somebody by doing

that. Have you not watched Love After Lockup by now or 90 day fiancé? And the reason I bring out all those funny trash shows is because then when you watch it and you're like, oh my God, in a controlled environment like prison or like FaceTime texting, anybody can be anybody they want. Text has no tone. We create the version of who we want this person to be. But then when we actually spend time with this person and take off our rose-colored glasses and see them for who they are, have compassion for ourselves and them for being human, but hold them accountable for shit, then all of a sudden, you're like, oh, wow, yeah, I guess I really didn't know this person. You think you know them, and then all of a sudden their behavior shows up and you're like,

I don't understand. Who is this? It's like, that's my point. You haven't seen this person in different environments in order to address who the fuck they actually are. So, when it comes to going slow, that's not an excuse for bad behavior. That doesn't mean that this person can just, like, not call text or FaceTime you for two, three weeks at a time. Like that, the pinch doesn't match the ouch. If you're having a date with somebody, we want to see consistency, we want to see reciprocity, we want to see safety, we want to, you can do all of that while also going slow.

So like, I'll give you an example. So like when Tech guy and I met, he knew, both of us had first date. I first, off the bat, I think somebody had said even which topics to broach about, without rushing him to open up. We can't stay stuck on small talk forever. Here's a reality. You don't fucking need to. It's not about there's a difference between trauma dumping and telling somebody on a first or second date about all your traumas and your shitty X and all of these things and living in your shit.

It's like, that's just nobody wants to deal with that. I don't want to fucking hear about that. Even if I'm working with you, I don't want to hear about that. Truthfully speaking. I will, of course, but you know what I'm saying. But the reality is like if you're on a date, it's like you're trying to get to know this person, not get to know their traumas. Who are they? Not the experiences that they had that caused them that yet.

Of course, that comes in time. But I asked tech guy the questions, like, how did your last relationship end and what did it teach you about yourself? What's a project or something that you're working on right now that you're really passionate about? And I'm glad I asked that. The other guy I was dating at the same time because he told me about the movie he was working on. And he was gone for nine months. And I was like, then it quickly realized after that like he was super avoidant and couldn't actually do this. And it wasn't because I didn't scare him off.

It's like, no, I got to the bottom of it. I got to see that this person wasn't ready for what it was that I was. So it's like, if your worry here is like, you know, how do I? want to rush things. It's like there's a difference between asking questions of depth of like, you know, outside of my physical appearance, what are things about me that you like? You ask that five, six dates. I mean, you're asking the fucking first date. I'm going to be like, I don't know. But like, you know, even, I'll think of more questions that you can ask. But my point being is like, you can still ask, or like a question I'd love to ask on second, third or fourth dates of like,

you know, what did the people in your life teach you about love? Like, what did your, what do the adults in your life teach you about love and how does that shape who you are today? Awesome. What's something that you used to accept in a relationship that you're no longer willing to? All of those are great questions to ask so that you can see if someone has depth. You can see how they show up. You can see and then you can see how you show up as well. You get to also match that energy and that reciprocity of here's what I learned.

Here's where I'm at. Because that's what's going to differentiate you from the sea of people that this person's going out with. that's a bigger difference than yeah we just talk about the weather and like all of this other stuff and but every time I try to bring depth this person avoids it and they change the subject or they say they don't want to talk about it it's like that's not going slow that's somebody who's avoiding topic of conversation going slow again stages of the relationship don't need to be expedited quicker than they need to be intimacy comes at any point in that so a lot of you guys ask that about the intimacy aspect i fucked tech guy on the first date the real real thing

I did that for me is because sex is really important to me. Sex is a huge part of a relationship to me and I was not. That was going to waste my time. If I want to wait three months before I sleep with them, what to find out we're not compatible? And then now I am now I'm invested with this person and now I get to tell them, I don't like having sex with you. Like we need to stop with this polyana bullshit. Sex is important. If you're asexual, that's a different story. But all of us have needs. All of us get horny. All of it. It's, it's a reality of life. Now, there's a difference between I don't want to sleep with someone because I don't feel like I'm ready. Okay, cool. 100%. Follow your gut. I'm never going to tell you to do anything other than that. Versus, I don't want to do that because I want to

make sure they stick around and I want to make sure they don't leave me. And I want to, it's like, God, Jesus, fuck. Stop gamifying dating. Stop treating it like a chess piece. If I do this, then they'll do this. You're going to attract players and you're going to fucking lose. The house always wins. So it's not playing that strategy game isn't going slow. That's playing a game versus it takes me a minute. Like one of my clients, I love him and I hope he's listening if he knows. He always tells me like, I don't want to hook up with someone that fast. I've done it.

He was like, and I dated a girl. We hooked up immediately. And then I felt bad. He was like, and then I realized after like, oh, God, I wasn't that into her. And he was like, we didn't even have the emotional connection. And it's like, that's very real. So it's like, if you have that boundary that you're like, hey, I want to go slow in dating with the intimacy.

I just don't want to rush into that. you have every right to express that, but you don't need to express that until you need to express that. So it's like, you don't need to go on your first date and be like, by the way, I'm not going to fuck you. I'm not going to sleep with you. It's like, no, no, no, no. Set that boundary if they ask you about that, sure, you can have a conversation. But it's like you set that boundary when they ask you to come back to their house after and you say, no, thank you. You set that boundary when that person sends you an inappropriate photo or tries to sex to you and you say, hey, I'm not interested in that.

That's a different story than preemptively being like, by the way, I'm not going to have sex with you. I'm not going to do it. It's like, God, stop. Follow your gut. If you want to sleep with someone, you sleep with them. If you don't, don't. But that's not going slow or going fast because almost personally me, almost every friend I have, every couple I know that's married, almost all of them are like, we hooked up within the first one to three dates. Because you just get it out the way when your intentions are real. And like, here's another reality, y'all. Just because somebody says they want a relationship doesn't mean that they want one with you. And people have every right to change after intimacy, that once you see a full picture and you're like, okay,

now their avoidance is actually way more to deal with than it's worth because the sex is decent. It's whatever. I don't really feel fulfilled. My needs aren't really being met. Eh, I'm good. I have a full picture of who this person is. I know what a full relationship would be like with them. People can still change their mind.

And that's why we go slow. We go slow so that we give a little bit and then we see. We test, as Matthew has said, we test and then we invest. We give a little, we see how they do, and then we continue on. Because trust is also conditional. You don't know these people. Stop telling them all about your fucking childhood after their first or second date, because guess what they're going to do?

Perfect. Save that for a later date. Now I know how to manipulate this person. So going slow just means you don't need to be someone's girlfriend or boyfriend after fucking in the first month. Like get to know this person. If you're seeing each other once a week, tell them. Listen, I'd love to see you more than once a week.

Twice a week. Perfect. To me, once to twice a week for the first month is beautiful. Four to eight dates within that first four weeks, you're really starting to get to know each other. You're really just spending time with each other and do different dates. Don't just go to drinks. Don't just go to dinner. It's like I took Tech Idaho or an arcade for our second date.

Well, our first date was a hike in dinner. Second date was an arcade and food. We went to lunch. And then the third date was dinner at his place and he made this beautiful elaborate meal. Like we changed it up. You know, we did different things. Like, I take a, my ex, we went trapezing. Like, I've done yoga dates.

And like, but that's me. Like, those are things I love to do. So it's not exhausting to go out on these dates because I'm doing it anyways. I was going to go on. I was going to go to yoga anyways. You may as well just fucking come with me. And then if I like you, we'll go out and get a coffee. If not, I'll tell you I got to go home.

Perfect. Like, there's a way to take care of yourself so it doesn't feel like a fucking job. But I think if you're not seeing somebody at least four to eight times in the first month, two months. You know what I mean? Like as we start to progress, you're not building anything. So like if you're seeing somebody every two to three weeks, it's like, I'm kind of tired of the like, well, but like they have a job and I have this and I have this. It's like, well, then how are you guys going to be in a relationship? If you guys can't even spend time together or find time to make with each other, how are y'all going to be in a relationship? That's why I don't love the long

distance stuff because I find it's a lot of, it's safer because you don't actually have to show up authentically and really invest. It's fantasy. Unless who, you know, unless you're spending the money and going back and forth. It's like, who's investing? We want to make sure it's reciprocal. So I think when it comes to going slow, it's like, that means like, no, you don't need to meet all of, you don't need to meet their fucking family before four or five months. What are we doing here? Why are you meeting their entire? Why are you going home with somebody after two months of dating? And then shockingly, then the person says they're not ready after. And then it's embarrassing because you're like, but you met my friends and family. It's like,

that's why we go slow. That's why. Because, hey, here's the reality. you don't have to go slow if you don't want to, then that means if you're like, no, I like to rush into things cool, but then you can't be, wo is me crying wolf when the fucking train crashes. Then you have to say, okay, hey, I did this to myself, right? I didn't hold boundaries. I just, that's why love bombing works, because people want it so bad that they're like, yay, finally somebody chose me. And it's like, but are you even choosing yourself? If you allow someone who love bombs you to come in fucking hard and fast, but how are you choosing yourself in that place? Because choosing yourself would say, whoa, well, I think you're lovely. Don't get me wrong. I have no idea who you actually are. I don't know what

triggers you. I don't know the ins and outs. I don't know shit about you. I don't know how you are angry. I don't know how you are sad. Well, I think this is lovely. It's nice to have met you. Can we just progress this and see if we even like each other? First date just means we want to have a second, first date just to see if we want to have a second date. Second date just to see if we want to have a third date. This isn't to address if this is a love of your life or your right or die. That's why we go slow. And that's why we date multiple people. And I know a lot of you guys wrote in like, I can't date multiple people. And it's like, okay. So then that means that you're, then if that's okay if you want to just focus on one person at a time. But then again, it can't be

the sad, like, I don't understand. I keep wasting my time. None of these guys want anything. It's like, well, but you're refusing to date multiple people at the same time. So if you're just going to hyper focus on one, well, then that means that we also need to work on our resilience. That if that doesn't work, then we go to the next. The reason it's nice to date multiple people is because you also get to meet different people. You get to see different environments. Maybe one guy you're like, man, I've actually never met anybody like this. And like I dated multiple people. I was dating tech guy.

I was dating like three or four people at the same time. And it just was survival of the fittest. I just, I had a better connection. So I'd go on a date and I'd be like, nah, I still had a better connection with him. I still want to pursue that.

And then as time went on, I was just kind of like, yeah, I think it's time to just stop seeing people. And like that was a decision we made together after like, I think it was like our 12th date. And I remember Ryan looked at me and he was like, I want to delete my hinge.

I only want to be with you. And like, I just want to focus on us. He was like, I'm not saying you to be my girlfriend, but I'm just saying I want to focus on you. And I was like, yeah, I think I'm ready for that. I was like 12 dates. I could think that's fair.

And then it was another two months before we were like, he was like, I really want you. Well, at first he asked me to be his girlfriend like a month later and I said, I'm not ready. And I was like, I'm not ready. And I was like, I'm not ready. And I was like, I'm not. I'm ready. Because I just, I enjoyed myself with him. I started to think, what would it be like without him? And I was like, I don't want to experience that. I like him. I like having him in my life. Now, did that mean that throughout the entirety of that that I didn't have to challenge my anxiety?

Oh, babies. That's what I mean by like, you think it's just, oh, you just haven't found the right person. It's like even if you're dating somebody and you're both really intentional and you're both putting the effort, you're still going to be triggered. You're still going to have issues to work through. You're still going to have stuff that's going to come up. Like, I remember I told him I missed him after like our fourth or fifth date and he wrote that was very sweet. And I said, was that not well received? And he said, it was very well received. I just don't feel like that off of after somebody that I didn't really spend as much time with. And then like, sure enough, a month later, he was like, by the way, I miss you. And it's like, that didn't. You see what I mean by like, like, he didn't want to rush into it. He didn't want to lie and say, yeah, no, I miss you too. And it's like, but he didn't. And that's okay. So it's like, it's okay to say, you know what? I really want to get to know you for like at least a month before I stop dating anybody else. Because I want to make sure I choose you not just, well, yep, somebody's there. Yep, I have a boyfriend now. Oh, yep, they're there. It's not about just somebody choosing you.

It's also about you choosing them. And that's why I'm so big on like, going slow isn't an excuse for bad behavior. It doesn't mean that like, oh, you can just never see each other or you could just like not ever communicate. It's like, or avoid hard conversations. It's like, I think any of us critical thinking can look at that and go, like imagine just take yourself out of it. Your friend is doing that. Your friend is telling you about, I would like you to articulate your situation. to your friend, as if you were talking to your, as if your friend was telling you that. What would you say? If your friend was like, he's just really busy.

No, no, no, he's just really busy. Like, we saw each other once and like I don't really hear from him. But like I text him and he answers, but he hasn't asked me out again. And it's been like three weeks since our first date. But like, I think he's just busy. Would you tell your friend? Yeah, you're totally right. Absolutely.

He's just super busy. Or would you be like, yeah, what the fuck are you doing? Maybe he's just super busy. It's been three weeks. You haven't fucking heard from this guy. Like, take the L. Call it a day, right? So it's like, also, here's a beautiful thing. You can talk about this on your dates. You can talk about like, hey, I actually, I do want to go slow in dating. Let me clarify what I mean by that. What I mean by that is I still want to spend time with you. I want to be with you. I want to get to know you. I want to share things. I want to have experiences with you. But I don't think I need to be your girlfriend after two weeks. I don't need to rush into that. I don't need to say I love you after a month. I don't need to be going on trips with you after. I mean, listen, you can go on a trip if you want after a couple months when you're comfortable with this person. But it's like just honoring your.

yourself that like you're just genuinely getting to know this person. Where is it like and I get it that discomfort. That's what I mean by like the work doesn't stop. It doesn't because then that insecurity is just going to manifest in the relationship because then you're just not going to trust them and it's going to be because you don't really know these people. Trust is built by doing things over time together. And I know that's like the last thing anybody wants to hear is like but a secure relationship

is built by two people showing up consistently over time and their words and actions aligning. That's how you start to trust somebody. How would I trust tech guy if he ever, every time he told me he was going to be somewhere and then he wasn't. I wouldn't trust him. I trust him because when we made plans, he showed up for the plans. And that took a lot for me because I was so used to being abandoned. I was so used to no, no. And like I even talk to my therapist about it today. And it's like, yeah, I was so used to my father was my first boyfriend, right? You know, it's the first relationship that you have, men with her mother and women with her father. And it's like he wasn't reliable. And so I just assumed that nobody was going to be

reliable. And so when I met somebody that was, it was like, whoa, yikes, I have to challenge that. I was always seeking a narrative and being like, he's not going to show up and what do you want to bet and all that? And it'd be like, day of you'd be like, can't wait to see you. I'm like, oh, cool. It's like, you can still share somebody and express themselves. Like, I'm having a really good time. Like, I really like you. I'm really enjoying where this is going and I can't wait to keep getting to know you. That's very different than like, you're the one for me and I want to be with you. If it's not a fuck yes, it's a no. It's like, cut the pressure. sure. What the fuck? Can we just get to know people authentically and be intentional about the way that

you spend your time and have some goddamn confidence that you are going in there because you are also a badass? You are also a catch and you are also fucking deserving of all of this and stop making it that everybody else is better than you? Because again, if we're entering into the dating world and everything's exhausting and all that's like, what do you think is going to be manifested? I won't even record content if I'm feeling exhausted because I know it's not going to be a good experience for you guys. It's the same with dating. It's okay. Fill up your cup if you're like, man, I'm pooped.

I am exhausted. I had a crazy week. The last thing I want to do is going to date. Fucking cancel the date. Hey, I am swamped. I am overwhelmed. I'm at capacity. I really want to see you tonight, but I just can't make it.

How is Friday? I know I'm free that day. And let me make it up to you. Take care of yourself. And just remember, go slow. Because here's the thing. Going slow is probably going to be way more uncomfortable than rushing into it. Rushing into it is all the chasing of feeling.

You're just going on. off the feeling. You're not actually getting to know them. Going slow, you actually get to know this person. You actually get to know yourself. You get to stop and challenge things and say, well, how do I feel when I'm with them? How did I feel when I was doing this? How am I feeling? What's coming up for me? We give space for us to actually say, but do I actually even like this person? I don't love the way they've handled this. I don't love the way they handled that. I really am not into that. You get to explore that with this person by taking your time to get to know them. But that's why I'm saying. I don't give timelines because I'm not like, ooh, at the two month mark, this needs to happen.

It's not that black and white because it's more about how often are you, how much time are you spending with this person? What's the depth? So let's get into a couple questions. So how to maintain enthusiasm and preserve energy after so many disappointing dates. That goes right back into the expectations and our mindset. That again, it's like, what are you, what are you projecting onto these people? So if you meet somebody, are you already creating castles in the sky?

Are you already creating that this whole fantasy? And then you meet them and it's, comes crashing down, it's exhausting. It's like, I get it. Don't get me wrong. I know it can be tiring. But I also know how it feels to date from a secure place that it's really fun to be able to say, but how do I feel and what do I choose? So if we're constantly, it's like, let's challenge that. Let's challenge this exhaustion and say, what is in my control? Okay, my control is that I give way too much credit to these people. I don't even fucking know who these people are and I'm already there. I'm already creating all these fantasies. That's self-awareness of like, I'm doing it again. I don't

know who this person is. Yes, I'm excited because there's potential, but I also know that I really need to get to know this person because I want to make sure that that potential is actual. I want to make sure that that potential is fucking real. I want to make sure I'm not projecting or conflating what I see in them. That's how you can start to preserve your shit. So slept together on the second date. How do you go slow? How to continue it to get more serious? Those are not mutually exclusive. Just because you hook up with somebody doesn't mean that either one of you owe each other anything. Hoking up with somebody is just as important as going out with them. Hoking up with someone is just as important as every aspect of the relationship. You just chose to do that.

Okay. Cool. So what I can look at is I can make that determination like I did with Ryan. When I left, I said the sex was great. That was so much fun. I had needs. I really needed to get dig down. And if I see him again, awesome. And if I don't, I made a decision as a woman because I have the right to make that decision. I wanted to have sex. I wanted to get laid. That's what I was. some of you guys will act of like this woe is me victim and I'm like I'm sorry a victim is if you didn't choose this but if you consented to it you're an adult if you said yes and pursued it and went back to you engaged in this as an adult well then we need to handle it like an adult not like a little child whose father just walked out now all of a sudden you think that

you're going to lose everything and again that's what I'm saying you go you have sex when you want to have sex go at your pace but then don't be surprised if you're like hey I want to go slow with intimacy if someone says that doesn't work for me. Great, then that's not your person. Next. Cool. I wouldn't. Personally me. I would not wait for three months to date to date somebody to sleep with them. That's me. Then that's just not my person. There's somebody else out there for them. Yay. That's what I mean. But you can have boundaries and have your expectations, but it can't be that if somebody doesn't match them, then all of a sudden you have a temper tantrum. No, that's your boundary. Cool. I respect it. Do you respect it? But just because you sleep with somebody, that's what I

by it doesn't mean they owe you anything doesn't mean you owe them anything both of you guys could leave that second date and go I don't want to have a third date with this person the sex was terrible or they were super fucking rude or god they were oh god I'm so grossed out I had that after my second date with this guy I was so into him and then we hooked up I was so not into him he grossed me out the way he spoke and even just the way I was like so not into him and like I called him later that day and I was like I am not into this and he told me his fetishes and I was like it's not for me. It's not for me. I dated another guy who after about three weeks of dating, something felt off. I personally was like, I'm just, yeah, the sex was okay. He was very attractive, all of those things.

I was like, eh, turned out. And like, there's no shame, but like, turned out that he was into men as well and had been sleeping with men for 10 years. Did not tell me, did not tell me he was bisexual. There's no problem with it, but you didn't articulate that. Told me that he wanted me, like, once I ended it, he was like, can I be honest with you? you know, the reason that like, I think maybe he was like, you know, was there anything wrong? And I said, yeah, I've always suspected that like, are you gay? And I was like, there's just something that I feel. And I'm like, it's okay if you are, but there's a disconnect here. And then he was like, yeah, truthfully speaking, my fantasy is I want a woman that's going to watch me be with men and I want her to be with them. And it's like, there's nothing wrong with that. But that didn't work for me.

He also was into cross-dressing. And it's like, again, nothing wrong with it. That did not work for me. But I needed to be intimate with him to feel something felt off. I know myself. I know what I like. So that's what I mean. Like, imagine if I waited three, four months to do that. And then we started doing all this stuff. And then I'm like, oh my God, I don't actually know this person.

But again, go at your pace. Don't ever listen to anybody to pressure you. If going slow means that, you go fucking slow. I'm just sharing you my experiences so that you know that a woman can also have these thoughts. It's not just guys. It's not just men that change their mind after they hook up with somebody. And the reason that women can do it too is because I'm in touch with myself and I'm going to be honest with myself. I am not going to be in a relationship with someone where I'm not feeling fulfilled as well.

Then I'm doing myself and them a disservice. It happens. It's going to happen that you're going to be. It's okay just because you woke up with someone, talk to them about it. Hey, all right. So we did that. We hooked up. What does this mean?

Are we just going to keep dating? Are you feeling it? Are you not? If they're like, yeah, I like you, I'd like to keep dating. Okay, cool. Let's just keep getting to know each other. Let's have a conversation in like a month and see how we're feeling. Perfect.

We'll cross that bridge. Talk to people. And if you're like, I'm not saying that to somebody, great, how are you going to have a relationship with this person? You want your ride or die? You want somebody that you can say anything around and be around? Then can you start showing up like that? It's okay. You guys acted on an impulse that you wanted to. Perfect. So now let's respect that and say, yeah, I had a good time. I leave there knowing they don't know me anything. And I'm so tired of this like, I want to be exclusive after our first date so I don't catch an STI.

It's like, or you could just be a responsible adult and go fucking get tested and use condoms. I don't know, maybe that's a crazy concept to me. I've dated in all the major cities. Like, you could also just practice safe sex if that's a big concern. Or then if you can't do that, then don't be an adult engaging in sex. That's what I mean by like just giving. There's no, everything is the other person. Everything is about then.

It's like, but I also get to make a decision. And if somebody's sleeping around with other women, it's like, okay, well, then I don't need to sleep with them. If that's what they want to do, you have, and because you also have the right to do that. you are single until you have a conversation that you're no longer single. You are single until you decide that you want to be exclusive with this person. Both of you. And that's okay if you're like, I'm not going to do that.

Cool. That doesn't mean we have to force other people to also not do that. I want someone to choose to be with me because they choose to be with me, not because I guilt them or I force them or I... I don't need to do that shit. So, okay. Yeah, so somebody dating multiple people at the same time is exhausting. Is it really necessary? It's up to you. Do you want to hyper focus on one person? Has it worked for you? Has dating one person at a time worked for you? If you're like, yeah, I have great experiences. Okay, cool, to keep going. But if you're like, no, I get hyperfocused. I get so fixated. And then it's like, that's why I'm saying, diversify your portfolio. Try different people. Because if one doesn't work, then you have other people that you're talking to. And then you guys have a conversation. You don't have to share that with other people. If somebody asks you, are you dating other people? Answer honestly. But you don't have to fucking volunteer that information. It's very much implaus.

especially if you're on the apps. I'm assuming that you're just talking to other people. I'd be very naive to think that I'm the only one. It's like, Ryan said the same thing. He's like, I had a date, I think like a couple of days before you. It's like, yeah, same. I had a date a couple of days after him. It's like, I didn't know him anything.

I needed to still explore myself. Just because we had a fun time doesn't mean that all of a sudden I'm going to get rid of everybody. It's like, because if this didn't work out, here's the thing. I almost broke it off with Ryan because of the other guy I was dating. Could you imagine? If I hadn't been dating multiple people at once, then I would have been like, I'd say it. I'm out.

okay well i've been like hyper focusing on that one but why don't you want me why are you choosing me instead i was like that's okay i'm dating other people like i'm sorry this didn't work out thank you for telling me i get to now pay attention to someone else i get to now scoot into my lane i would just say follow your gut if it doesn't feel like it's an alignment then don't do it but if you want to try it doesn't mean you have to fuck them all just means that maybe go out on a few dates and then have a conversation with them so all right one last question okay um um um How to navigate fatigue when you feel like you're racing a clock biological in life stages. Because at the end of the day, you're putting the pressure on yourself.

I get it. I am 34. If I wanted to have kids, you're right. I don't have forever. But that's pressure I'd be putting onto myself. That's societal pressure. That's other people. If I feel fine where they're at in my life, it's like, do I need to shame myself because I don't have a partner and I don't have a child? That might be what I want.

But I can't control other people. Here's my thing. I'd rather be 35 single and alone than a divorcee with a narcissistic piece of shit X and a kid that I now need to navigate my world with. So it's like at what cost? What's the price to pay? I get it. I'll validate all day. Yeah, there's literally biologically.

I'm so tired of like, this isn't a gender norm. This isn't a, this is how our bodies work. Past a certain time as a woman, I cannot have a child. Okay. I get that. My friend, lover. She's 42, I believe. had a one night stand doctor told her she'll never get pregnant she was like that's it she

broke her eggs she had like two eggs left she got fucking pregnant she just had the baby and she stoked and it's like and she decided to do that in her own it's like life comes at you instead of being so like no no but i have to have this it's like who said that back in the day maybe that's how they went through it weren't a new time you can do what you want to do when you want to do it so if you focus on your career in your 20s and now you're in your 30s and you're like oh fuck it's like but that's a decision i have to be an adult and take accountability i made that decision I prioritize things or I date it like I'm watching 90 day fiance and the the Ukrainian woman Natalie my god she's fucking insufferable she's like I'm 39 and I don't have a child and all

that and it's like and then when she says when people it's like and she openly admits and she's like well when I was in my 20s I didn't want it because I thought I was going to have it in my 30s and it's like yeah but that's a price you pay you made a decision to not have a child with the first person that you were with because you said you didn't want one then well then you can't go into panic mode in your 30s when you're like, but it's like, but that's a decision I made. And that's okay. There's no shame around that. But it's only the shame that we bring ourselves. So if you're facing that clock, it's like just acknowledge and accept. Yeah, well, here's why I'm at. Can I reverse the time? No. Can I get back those years? No. But you know what I can do? I can make

sure I don't waste any more of them. I can make sure that I date appropriately and effectively so that I can be with somebody that genuinely wants what I want. My old business partner, he turned 40, literally at that moment. He was like, I want kids. Went on a date with a girl. I remember he came to me and he was like, this will work. They're not married with kids. Just when he was ready, he was like, that's it. I'm doing it. Very secure. Knew what he wanted, went for it. He was ready. So it's like, okay, that was his journey. He's 40 now with a kid. It's like, okay. There's people that are 20 with a kid. There's people all over. It doesn't mean it's right or wrong. It's your journey. So instead of shaming or blaming ourselves, because we have a biological clock, let's look at it as, well, the decisions I made are the decisions I made.

but I can continue to waste my time or I can take control of my life now and stop the bullshit and say, I know what it is that I want. So I'm going to be very intentional with the way that I date so I don't waste more of my fucking time. You guys have some power in your dating life. And I am here to remind you of the fucking power that you guys seem to forget that you have. You guys forget that you get to decide the cadence and the pace that you want to have on these dates as well. You get to decide how often you want to see somebody as well. And both of you, you get to decide how often you want to see somebody as well. and both of you get to make decisions together. So if somebody's trying to see you every single day,

you can set a boundary, no thank you. I don't know you. Why am I going to talk to you every day? That's what I mean by rushing into things. You don't fucking know this person. You had one date, but you're texting this person, morning, noon, night every single day. You're having panic attacks

if they don't fucking message you after one or two dates. You're freaking out. It's like, but you don't know these people. Instead of, then our brain gets on the addiction loop and then we're going through withdrawals because then we don't have them. It's like, instead we can stop and say, wait a minute, has that worked for me? No. Let me try something different. Let me try not focusing

on text. Let me see how this person is in person. Let me try not engaging in that shit. Try something different. Let me try setting a boundary and going a little slower. It sounds terrifying. But here's my question. What do you have to lose? Somebody asked that, how do I help nerves on before the first date when I'm so tired of it all? What do you have to lose? You have everything to gain. You've got nothing to lose. So show up authentically. Share things. Have fun. enjoy the process. But number one, over anything, see how you feel with them and how you feel in that moment. And if you choose them, it's not about them choosing you. Going slow allows both of you guys to make that decision from a place of power and not from anxiety and not from attachment and not from

being chosen and not from being picked. You get to make that decision because you have spent time, have enough data points and understanding to know what works and what doesn't and you are deciding that want them in your life and that they get to also make that decision. I never, ever want anyone in my life personal, professional friendships, fucking career that wants me to change who I am. Why do you think I hold down on the trolls? Get fucked. You don't like the way I talk? Not for you. You don't like the way I curse. This ain't your show. That's cool. This is my house. You're not going to come into my fucking home and tell me how to act. It's the same with dating.

If you're going to show up, somebody doesn't get to choose who you are. You choose who you are and then you see who aligns with it. I love Ryan so much because he accepts me for who I am. You know why? Because I accept me for who I am. I'm doing the work on myself to accept myself. And I show up authentically so he can accept me for who I am. Didn't mean we didn't go slow.

Didn't mean that we didn't still have lots of conversations. Didn't mean that we didn't still check in with each other. didn't meet, but what we didn't do was start doing all the lovey and the da-da-da-da. It's like, no, we set boundaries. And we really just said, let's go day by day. For today, this works. Let's see how tomorrow goes. That's releasing control of the outcome as well in surrendering.

I don't know what's going to happen, but I'll just keep showing up authentically and hope that they do too. That way you can show up securely. You can show up because you genuinely are interested to get to know them. You're genuinely excited to explore this. And if your gut feels off, like if you're dating, somebody and you're like, I get going slow is one thing, but I haven't heard from this person in six days. It's like, then that just doesn't work for you. Maybe that's just not the intentionality

and the cadence that works for you. So be it. But remember, and that means that we just have to walk away from people. Again, a decision you get to make. Well, this is a fun one. I got to riff off for a long time and not even fucking read the questions. Yay. Thank you guys for sitting with me. Thank you for letting me guide you. And thank you for everything. Thank you for the support. and thank you for showing up authentically as yourself so I can show up authentically as myself. And I hope that you guys can start to implement that in your dating lives because every single one of you deserves love just like the rest of us. But it's about how you show up so that you can start to receive that love. Until next time, guys.