The Sabrina Zohar Show - 78: Why chasing validation led me to the wrong relationships

Episode Date: May 31, 2024

Sabrina is back for a solo episode this week, exploring the pitfalls of chasing the wrong things in relationships, emphasizing the importance of self-awareness and breaking negative patterns. She shares her journey from anxious attachment, seeking validation from unsuitable partners, to finding balance and self-acceptance. Sabrina recounts personal experiences of idolizing shallow relationships and ignoring red flags, which led to emotional pain and wasted time. She advises listeners to recognize when interest is unreciprocated, set boundaries, and trust their gut feelings. By focusing on self-love and understanding one's true needs, Sabrina highlights that healthy, secure relationships become more attainable. Ultimately, she encourages introspection and embracing discomfort as essential steps toward meaningful growth and fulfilling partnerships. Want to work with Sabrina? HERE! Stuck After the Podcast? Master Implementation in 8 Weeks with Sabrina's Foundation Course Join the Make It Make Sense: Getting Through a Breakup course HERE! Get Ad-free episodes and 2 Bonus episodes a month HERE! Dont forget to follow Sabrina and The Sabrina Zohar Show on instagram and Sabrina on Tik tok! Video now available on YOUTUBE!  Disclaimer: The Sabrina Zohar Show, formally known as Do The Work, is not affiliated with A.Z & associates LLC in any capacity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to another episode of Do the Work podcast. My name is Sabrina Zohar and I am your host. Yay, we're back for another solo episode. Oh, babes, I like solos. I do. I got to be honest with y'all, guest episodes do perform better. So for a lot of folks that say they prefer their solos, I don't know. Y'all seem to really love the guests.

But nonetheless, you know I'm never going to stop doing these. So I am so excited. Today I get to share with you a little bit of vulnerability. That's why I have my phone actually because I have, today is a fun episode. We are going to be talking about how me chasing the wrong things led me to the wrong things and the wrong fucking people. And chasing these unavailable, unattainable people. For me, I am a heterosexual woman, so I'm going to be talking in heterosexual norms. But this goes for anybody.

It's just I'm giving personal experience and story, so bear with me. But I think it's so important for us to really talk about like, yikes, where we've been to where we're going, right? And if we don't start to really address some of these things that are underlying in the hood and like starting to really look at patterns, then we're kind of doing ourselves a disservice. And so I'm going to plug it now. That's kind of why I created the course. And the foundation course is there to help you guys to really understand like week one, what are my dating patterns? We start to go over limiting beliefs. We do inner child work.

We talk about boundaries and non-negotiables. We go over all of these things because it's so, so important to lay a strong foundation. And I know a lot of people think like, no, no, I'm good. I have all that organized. And it's like, rarely do you. Not throwing shade at anybody, but most of the people I work with, as we start to dive in, really start to like flesh that stuff out, we start to find like, no, I actually don't really know what I want or what I need. I don't really actually.

I'm not even aware of my patterns, all of those things. So today we get to talk about it. But if you guys want to discover more, as always, you guys, the course is live. please check it out. You guys can join it. And if you guys like the podcast, which it seems like a lot of you guys do, I ask of you one, two things actually. One, please, please, please rate the fucking show. You go on Spotify, Apple, Amazon, wherever you're listening to this, YouTube if you're watching, just leave a review. It takes all of five seconds. You just follow along or leave a five-star review if you think it's worth it. And the other thing is share it with a friend. There is nothing better than an organic,

gourd of mouth that will help us grow because if I grow on the charts and I grow, grow. I can get better guests and we can keep this going. Otherwise then, hey, we'll see how long we go. But for now, we're going strong. Just please, please. Don't forget to rate and review the show. Share it with a friend. And guys, as always, if you need anything, all this stuff will be in the show notes. If you want to work with me, still working with folks one-on-one. You can ask a question, join the course, all of these resources. And don't forget, if you want more content on the podcast, the bonus content is out. So every month, you get to ask me anything with me and tech guys. So you guys write in all of your questions. We write them. We respond back at the

video and then there's going to be a wildcard episode so it might be an implementation series or you might just get a bonus episode and you guys also get to determine that so you can write in and say hey i'd love an episode on this so recently we did an episode on sex and intimacy because so many people had asked and it was something that for the private community so guys it's seven dollars a month even if you just want the ad free even if you don't want the extra episodes even just that helps support us to keep things going and if you love what you hear please please we just ask for the support in whatever ways that you guys can do it. And even if it's not financially, even just, like I said, sharing it with a friend or checking it out or following along on the socials,

do the work podcast on Instagram or YouTube and Sabrina.com or Zohar on TikTok and Instagram. So guys, thank you for everything. And without further ado, let's get right the fuck on into it, shall we? All right. Hi, friends. I've upgraded, as you can see, with my cords sitting on the side of me. and I got this fancy, schmancy new headset, and I'm so excited because it's so fun to see growth. You know, like, I think we're so myopic, right? We look at things just in one lens in one way, and we actually very rarely give ourselves the accolades of like, well, look how far I've come. And even just me being like, wow, I get my fun little fancy headset.

Like, that is a far way for me to come, and I'm really fucking proud of myself for that. And the reason I bring that up is because today I get to smear myself through the mud. And we're going to go over, y'all, I was the poster child for anxious attachment style. That's why, like, I always laugh when people will attack me on the internet and be like, you clearly were avoidant. And I'm like, you clearly did not listen to me or my content. Because I was, I know what you guys are going through because I was you. I was experiencing the same thought patterns.

I was experiencing the same anxieties and the same insecurities. and truthfully speaking for so long, I was so unaware. I was coasting through life, truly and genuinely not understanding how, like, I impacted other people. And it's really funny because I'm actually going to start this. I asked my best friend who has known me for years. Okay, tell me the worst. Like, how was I at my worst? Now, mind you, it's a little botched because she did a voice note and it transcribed it.

So I'm going to abridge it as we go along. But I wanted to give you guys an understanding. understanding of where I was. And then we, of course, have a ton of questions that you guys wrote in. So I'm going to answer a bunch of stuff. But I wanted to give you guys a clear understanding of like where I was to where I am now so that you can also see like it is very possible for you to do the work on yourself and to really invest join the course or whatever, work with a therapist. It doesn't really fucking matter. But it is so important to really start to understand like how am I also showing up? Because like, y'all, I'm tired. I'm so tired of like just this.

constant negativity around the dating life. Like somebody left a comment today like everything I said was a fucking issue of like, no, well, people can lie to you and do that. And men are trash. And I've been dating for five years and I've never met anybody. And there's no one that exists. And none of this is real. And no guy wants to commit.

And it's like, whoa. Let me ask you a question. Do you not think people can pick up on that in dating? Do you not think that when you're out there having experiences with people that they don't pick up on that fucking anxiety and cynicism? Listen, I'm a New Yorker. So, cynical as they come. And I'm not saying that you should be like skipping on a, this is an LA.

We don't need to pretend and be like skipping on daisies and be like, oh my God, good vibes only. Because like that's not a realistic way to live either. But we do have to find a balance between, sure, just because I haven't seen it, doesn't mean I won't. And like anything else in life, we can create and manifest and do all of those wonderful, amazing fucking things. But if you don't genuinely believe it, it's going to be really hard to receive it. It's not about you have to. love yourself, otherwise no one else can love you. Now, I don't think that it's, if you don't love yourself, no one else can. I think plenty of people can. But if you don't love yourself more than the

need to be loved by other people, then you're going to constantly be seeking that external validation. And you're going to be constantly waiting for other people to tell you who you are. And the confidence that I have now, I did not have. The confidence I have now is because I accept myself so fucking unapologetically. It's almost at nauseam. I know that I am a lot of things. I know I'm a big personality. I talk a lot. I curse a lot. I'm a fast talker.

I'm very, I have a lot of anxiety. See, I even caught myself there. I wasn't even a fucking, analyze myself and say, I'm anxious. No, I have a lot of anxiety. And that doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with me, though. And so it got to a point where I had to be so okay with who I was, because if I wasn't, how was anybody else going to be? And there was no way I was going to be able to receive.

this incredible partner that I have and this love that I have, if I wasn't genuinely authentic with myself and being like, yeah, okay, so you do a lot of these things. You're right. You're not going to please a lot of people. You don't like everybody. Why would everybody like you? And my mama's been saying it to me for years, famous quotes of hellie. You can please some of the people, some of the time, but you cannot please all of the people all of the time. It's just not physically fucking possible. So let's get into what my best friend said I was like. She said, first and foremost, I love you. Don't get mad. But, When you were dating the lawyer, oh my goodness, I hated that guy because you were so anxious just because he didn't text. You wanted his attention. You wanted him to text you and he just didn't want that. He didn't want to give you the attention. He did not want to commit. But he was playing a game with you and where you were mentally fucked. Like it was a mind game and he was playing that. And throughout your dating life, it was like you picked the worst of the men and they fucked with your head because you craved it and you wanted that love so much. But you just found it in the wrong people.

the wrong people that were not emotionally available. A lot of them just wanted one thing and one thing only. And yeah, you caught feelings really quick. And that was your anxiety. You were so anxious. If they didn't text you back, you would just text these long paragraphs, which were something, there was something wrong with that. It was just like, man, take it easy.

These guys are not for you. I don't think you realize that a lot of these people weren't for you. And remember that other guy. This was the guy that I dated in January of 2022 that I, if you guys follow along, I share that like, I changed the way I dated after him. And she said, he played a. a good game and he fed you everything you wanted to hear. You got a level of anxiety I have not seen in you in a long time. You were giving so much and he wasn't. He was playing games and he was stringing you

along and you would just send these constant paragraph over paragraph explaining you having to explain how you felt, you having to think that you did something wrong and they did not need that. Those losers were not available for you. And again, they wanted one thing only. My lord, you were such an anxious dater and your anxiety would hit you at the worst moments and you would just send these text messages. and paragraphs and you would have, you would just go bananas and it was sometimes hard to watch. So that's just a little bit of what she shared. But the reason I wanted to share that is because I think we also need to be really okay to look at our behavior and say, is this serving me?

Is this actually leading me to the person that I'm meant to be with? Right. And like even I read that to Ryan Tech guy right before we started, I started recording this and he laughed and he was like, you weren't like that with me and I was like, I know I wasn't because if I had been, like we're talking the guy that she, that story she was sharing, I still lived in New York, so we're talking COVID 2020.

So four years ago. Crazy. And at the time, this guy, he was, he was that guy for me that I just, I wanted him at all costs. In my gut, like all my friends were like, Dude, he's a fucking narcissist. Like, this guy was so self-absorbed. He had zero empathy.

He did not give a fuck about anybody else. And I was just, I would have taken anything. Like, I remember if he text me, oh my God, that was just like the end all be all for me. And I would just stare at my phone. And I was because I was so disconnected from myself, I was so disconnected from what I genuinely wanted, needed, and desired. And not only was I not connected with myself, I wasn't validating myself for needing those things. I was punishing myself for having wants, needs and desires and just waiting, why can't I

just be the cool girl? Why can't I just be the girl that doesn't need any of this stuff? But instead I'm fucked up, right? I'm the damaged goods. And what it actually ended up being was like, no, I was just really wasting my time on people that were not worth my fucking time. That's just what it came down to. These people were clearly unavailable. It was palpable how the person didn't want to commit. They wouldn't make any plans. I'll never forget. So this guy, welcome to story time. We're going to have a lot of them in this episode. This was the guy. So we'll call him the lawyer. And we met in like 2013 or 2014, like many moons ago. And we matched online and we chatted all the time and we phased timed because he was moving to New York at the time from Colorado.

And we ended up meeting like finally, like six months later. And I remember he was like, and it was just even the way we met. Like he was so non-committal. Everything was just like on his time. And he was like, I'm down the street from where you, like, I lived in the Lowery Side at the time. He was like, I'm having a burger on like Stanton and Rivington or whatever. It was like this little, I think it's actually still there. Orchard in Rivington, one of the two. And he was like, I'm having a burger there. Do you want to just come by? And I was like, really? Like, we've been talking for this long and like that's how you want to meet. Like, again, red flag central. The red flags being like, we text morning, noon, night. We FaceTime all the time. We were constantly in communication.

And then of course, like when I started to see like protest behavior, when I started to see that the connection may have been lost, I'd send a sexy photo. I would send a text to get him into me like some of that fucking clickbait that we see on the internet. If like send this to get to go into you, it's like, trust me, anything short of something sexual, good luck. Because that's all you're going to get, right? Like men are visual creatures. You send them a fucking sexy photo. Most of them are going to fucking respond unless this person is just like really not that into it because the other also reality. is like a lot of people also know what they're getting themselves into. And so if they see like, hey,

this girl is way too emotional. Like there's too many things here. I'm not even going to fucking bother. And I just didn't see it. I didn't want to see it. I wanted the attention. I wanted someone to validate me. I wanted someone to choose me. But above all, above all of that, I wanted to avoid the pain that I was feeling. I wanted to avoid the discomfort that I was feeling every fucking day. Every day I'd wake up and I was highly anxious. And I was like on so many medications, I was just trying to numb because I just did not want to deal with the trauma and the stuff that needed to be taken care of. And that's my journey. I'm not saying that's everybody's.

And I remember I smoked a pack a day at the time. Like, when I tell you guys, I changed, like, I fucking changed. And I showed up smoking. And instantly he was just like, hey, by the way, like, that's a non-starter for me. And like, that was it. I was just like, okay. And I remember trying to convince him, please, please, please. A couple, like, a few years later, we crossed paths again on the app.

Like, he was, to me, very good looking, apparently according to a lot of my friends. I didn't seem to think so, but he was six four. So, and with a ridiculous body. So there's that. And years of later, we matched and we lived in the same neighborhood at the time. And I was like, oh, my God, like, finally I get my chance. And so we had a date plan. And so we were texting every single day leading up to it being really fun and flirty and banter. And we had plans for like, I told him, I was like, how about we do Saturday at like four o'clock? Like, I'll meet you for before dinner. And then, like, we'll bop around. We can go to a couple breweries, like, just hang out in Brooklyn. And then we'll, like, decide where we want to go to dinner. Perfect. Text me in the morning like, hey, hey, how are you?

And I was like, good. Looking forward to tonight. And then like, about two o'clock rolls around. He's like, hey, so you're still good for four. And I was like, yeah, I just woke up from a nap. I've been exhausted. Like that way, remember if I'm not mistaken, like, that was like the first day I had, like, alone. I had been like guests in the home and friends in town and working nonstop. And so I took that afternoon. I was like, I just need to be alone. And so I text him that. I was like, oh my God, I needed this time alone. And I'll never forget his response was, well, why the fuck couldn't we have met at one o'clock then if I knew that you were free today? And I was like, I wasn't free. I just needed the date of myself. Like, I just needed some time.

Like, I'm like, mind you, we'd been texting every single fucking day leading up to this date. And we had multiple times along in the years of that it didn't happen. And I remember I was like so close I could taste it. And I even sent him, I was like, I have your hoodie. Like I got you one of the software hudies. Plug plug, plug, if anybody wants to support my company. and I was like, I have it ready for you because, like, of course, I was an overgiver and I just wanted to do anything to get somebody to like me. And he was like, I don't want to meet with you anymore. Like, I'm not interested. I can't believe you wasted my day. And I was like, what the fuck? Like, and I'll never forget, instead of me seeing it as, whoa, red flag, man,

like this guy is clearly not giving you what you fucking deserve. Instead, I begged him pleading, please, like, let me come out and meet you. I was like, we were planning to meet you. I was like, we were planning to meet at four. I didn't, you never communicated that you wanted to meet earlier. I thought you were cool with this. Ignored me. And I remember he sent me a photo and he was like, I already ate good night. And I was like, what the fuck?

And I remember breaking down, calling my mom and saying, what's wrong with me? What is wrong with me? Hosterical. I almost had the opportunity is what I said to her. I almost had my shot. And that was my thought pattern. If they can just get to know me, oh my God, they're going to fall in love with me. No, no, no, no.

Just give me the chance. give me the fucking chance. Just give me the date. Just let me come out. And then once you do, you're going to see how amazing I am and we're going to have sex and oh my God, you're going to be slain and it's going to be a whole thing. Unfortunately, that's not how relationships a make. Right. And so long story, medium, I, this continued. This was the lawyer that Raquel was referring to and that was three years prior, that instance, or like two and a half. I kept it going because to me, he was everything I wanted on paper. Successful, handsome, tall, good looking, like, good job, made money, funny, like had a good sense of humor. That was tattooed at this point. But like notice how all

the stuff I just described to you of like this perfect person that I wanted. None of that was their, his heart, his soul, his thoughtfulness and his compassion and his empathy and his consistency and his reciprocity. Like, no, it was shallow as fuck. because he reminded me my father. And I was just like, no, no,

if I can get him, like, I'll be happy. And then fast forward to COVID. We finally, again, same bullshit. We keep matching. You know, we all have had those people.

Like, you keep matching. And, like, we have these zombies. It's so funny. I was talking today, even at my appointment. And she was like,

I'm so tired of, like, hearing about girls that are letting guys from the past come back, like, orbit back of like, oh, it didn't work then. And it's like, no, no,

it didn't work. It didn't work. Please leave it where it belongs. and he orbited back and sure enough like I finally I remember he was like want you come and like let's finally hang out and I went back there we hooked up and it was like so awkward like this person was not lovey-dovey it wasn't to me but I created castles in the sky I was like my god his apartment's so pretty could you imagine if like I could walk here look I can live here oh my god he is a motorcycle he can pick me up and like we hooked up and I went home and I was

like so excited and then didn't hear from him he was super evasive and then five days later he and his girlfriend walked by, didn't know about her. And I get the text like, I'm sorry. I didn't want to hurt your feelings. Blu-Blo, but, like, she was like, he is at the time, 38, like he's got to be in his 40s now. She was 22. And so I was like, and like, what the fuck?

Like, she was a child. And I was just like, I don't, like, I could not understand. And I was like, okay, so there's something wrong with me. And I would show up at the park every day looking like a fucking snack because I knew he would be there. I knew he would be there with his dog and I would walk around and like parade around in my cute little outfits, and I would always wait for that text, and sometimes I'd get it, sometimes I didn't, and we played that game. We played that game up until I left New York.

Let that one sink in. By me chasing these unavailable, unattainable people, I wasted years of my fucking life. I will not get back. Did I date around? Absolutely. And I met so many great people, but I also met a lot of schmows. And I was not in a position to receive good people towards me. I just wanted someone to choose me because I was not choosing myself. And I was trying to chameleon and change and be. And even now, like when people tell me like, wow, you're so much calmer than when I knew you a few years ago, I'm like, man, what was I like?

And then I understand it because then I get that anxiety and I'll get in, some of you guys are writing questions. and it's like the minute I start to read it. I'm like, I can see the anxiety. I can see the hypervigilance. I can see it all. And by chasing these people, like this is one story of so many. God, should we talk about the vegan DJ that I was fucking enamored with that was like

clearly not giving me anything that I wanted and told me off the bat that he did not want a relationship? And I thought if I just fucked him well enough, I could get him to like me more. And if I thought I could, if I could just show him how awesome I am and take him on a trip and do all of these things and always cook for him and make sure that I had all of this stuff that he was going to like me. Guess what never happened? That never came to fruition. Because at the end of the day,

if somebody is intentional and ready for a relationship, they're intentional and they're ready for a relationship. When someone's not, sure, can it happen? Do people win the lottery? Absolutely. Am I going to bet my bottom dollar on that? I'm not. And I think it's really important for us

to be really fucking honest with ourselves of like, what are you chasing? What are you looking for? What is it that you genuinely want? Again, this is why I created the course to get granular on like, what is it that I want? What are my patterns? How am I showing up? Because when I started to do that, like, I wish I had the fucking course, even myself.

I was piecemealing this shit with like, here's one, I'm watching Matthew Hussey. Okay, I like a little bit of that content. Watching Mark Groves. Cool. I like that content. Listening to all these amazing people giving me advice or talking about things or whatever, but having no frame of reference of how I was going to implement that into my life. having no understanding of me calling myself out on my shit, me having to do really uncomfortable things.

And like, that's another thing. Growth is fucking uncomfortable. Growth is really uncomfortable. There is nothing in life that is like, oh, it's just easy. Even going to like starting a business isn't easy. Even making dinner for me is not easy. Like there's a lot of things in life that we're going to have to do that we might not want to. That doesn't mean you shouldn't do it. And part of that is walking away from the wrong people. And so somebody had actually, let's get my questions out, you guys asked such great questions. So somebody had asked, where is the line between chasing and taking initiative slash expressing interest? If somebody is not reciprocating back to you, that is the line of when you need to stop showing interest.

So if you're saying, hey, I'd love to see you again. And that person is just like, same. And then that's it. You don't hear from this person. It's like, you don't need to continue to engage with this. You don't need to continue to constantly try to get someone to see you. Hey, hey, remember, I'm over here. Hey, have you, you want to, you want to hang out with me?

What about me? What about me? What do you mean? People can sense that anxiety. People can feel, whoa, this person's only going to be okay if they have me in their life. Ugh. That's a lot. And like, I have one of my clients and I hope she knows who she is.

She'll know who she is when I said that because she knows from the last time. And she's such a babe. And the reason she's so successful in her dating life is because she loves her life so much. And she has such a confidence because she knows that she's fucking awesome. She has her own insecurities because she's a human and we work through that every time we speak. But she's doing so well in her dating life because when she shows up on these dates, she's authentic. She's herself. She asks questions.

She's not scared of losing these people because she's like, who are they? I literally don't know these people. Let's get that plastered, please, on a fucking wall or on our foreheads. I don't fucking know these people. And what I mean by that is you don't genuinely know who these people are. Even you guys might think you even know me very well. You don't. You don't know what happens behind closed doors when I get super anxious and I break down crying.

Or what happens when someone cuts me off and I flick them off and I get angry. Now you know me. But you don't actually know me in those moments. And not in a negative way. I'm not meaning of like, tricked you. But just meaning like unless you spend time with somebody, you're not going to really know who this person is. And if that person's not allowing you to spend time with them, i.e., if you constantly have to

chase somebody, let's think about it. What's that dynamic, the chase running after somebody? But when do you think, what do you think's going to happen when you eventually match up? That person's going to, what, keep running? It's not. Because if you don't have the security and the authenticity to show up authentically and be like, hey, I don't need to, I don't need you to run after me. I'm right here. I'm good. And it's okay if people are like, hey, I don't want that. That's cool. That's, that's on them. But we don't need to create these narratives to fit the reasons as to why this didn't work. Oh, it's because of us. It's like, that's just a core belief. So we think if you're not receiving reciprocity, I think you need to stop because you can show interest. You don't need to remind them of your interest constantly, especially when they're not giving it back to you. So if you're dating somebody and you're always the one texting first, asking for plans, doing all that. It's like, fucking talk to this person of like, hey, this doesn't feel reciprocal. Are you into this? And if you are, it would make me feel really great if you could also show some interest as well. And if you could call

and text me and reach out, that doesn't mean that I'm asking you to do all this work, but it would make me feel really good to know that you are equally as interested in this as I am. If you have to even tell somebody that, I think we have an issue. But I think if we strip away, and if anybody right now, If anybody's listening right now, that isn't something more secure and healthy, I think you're going to understand what I mean when I say the sentence. It is so much easier than you fucking think it's going to be to be with somebody that is healthy and secure. What I mean by that is the courtship of it is a lot easier. You both are jiving. You're both reciprocal.

You're both sharing things. Both parties are invested. What a concept. And so if it's like a, if you're having to fight and exhausting. did just to get someone to show up. My question for you is, what does that remind you of? Did you have to do that to get your parents' attention? Growing up, was it always you having to scream louder? That was my journey. Scream louder. Somebody look at me. Anybody pay attention to me because I didn't know when it was going to happen again and my survival was contingent upon that.

But the difference is now you're not dating your mom or dad. You're just dating these people. You're meeting online. These are fucking strangers. So let's keep that in perspective. Okay, next question. What are steps and signs to determine if things are not working? My biggest thing here is if you're dating right now and you are not seeing progress, that's one. And if you don't feel safe to express yourself, that's two. And like, good friend.

She just went through a breakup and it was like, yeah, because she kept, she was scared to even express herself because the other person would get volatile and lash out and project onto her. And she dealt with it for a while. And finally she was like, I can't keep doing this. And I asked her, I was like, is there progress? She was like, no, I just think we're fucking getting worse. She was like, I'm shutting down even more. And she's more avoidant.

She's like, I think I'm shutting down even more. I don't feel safe. I don't feel comfortable. I don't know who the fuck to talk to. And it's like, once you get into that island of you're even scared. And there's a difference between you're scared to talk to this person because of an insecurity. Okay, cool. We'll talk to them and then see.

Versus you're scared to talk to them because when you do, they dismiss you. they bring you down, they gaslight you, they discredit you. I think all of us in our guts know what feels right and wrong, but we try to remind ourselves, oh, no, no, no, I'm just being overly sensitive or oh my God, no, maybe they're just because we hold on to the fantasy of who they were in the beginning of like, but they were so lovely when we first met. It's like, what do you think? Do you think these people are just going to be raging pieces of shit to you off the bat?

Some of them will. And I've dated those people. But like, for the most part, like, people. are going to be really great in the beginning. So it's like, can we scratch the surface and see if you share something, how do they receive that? If you bring something to their attention, are they receptive to it? Are they kind? Are they rude? Are they disrespectful? Do they dismiss you? Or do they say, well, thank you for sharing that. I had no idea. Somebody actually commented on the live the other day. I used one of the questions that you suggested for the first date. I was fucking terrified and I was

shocked because he gave me the most emotionally intelligent answer and now we have a second date. And I get that. That's what I mean by. There's a difference between I'm scared because this feels foreign or uncomfortable. Oh, God, I've never done this. Like, I don't know how to set boundaries or this feels weird. I don't know how to say something. Okay, that I can totally jive with. Versus I'm scared because that other person isn't receiving me well or they dismiss me or something. And it's like, your gut knows that doesn't feel good. But if you ignore that initial response, because you're so scared of losing somebody, that's when we start to overlook the big red flags. So is chasing for love wrong? If so, what should I be looking for?

Chasing is absolutely wrong because why are you running after somebody to fucking be with you? Instead, what we want to look for is connection, consistency and reciprocity, a true connection, not an attachment. I don't want you to attach to people because then you're just going to repair it all of the bullshit that you learn. You go right back into your limbic system and the brain and you start to rehash all of those old memories. You got to remember, the brain loves shortcuts. My sister said, feeling a fucked. You're going to go from one little thing.

So think about this way. When that guy, he was Cuckoo, the lawyer, when he would ignore me, it would go, I would go right back to being a six-year-old. I'd go right back to that amygdala in the limbic part of my brain. Instead of the prefrontal cortex, which is decision-making and common sense and being more of a place of like authenticity and realness, I would go back into that space. and going back into that space allowed me to react like a child because your brain is like, hey, she's overwhelmed.

Let's just do what she always does. Oh, go and text him a thousand times. Go and yell. But now you have the opportunity to put space and say, well, wait a minute, I don't want to be engaging in this behavior anymore if this isn't serving me. Does that mean it's going to be very uncomfortable? Yes.

But has anybody ever died from implementing boundaries and changing the way? Now, what I mean by that is not murdered, died. No, because you're not, your body is not going to, you're not going to die. It might feel like you are, but I could fucking guarantee you. You're not going to. And that's actually part of the course. I created this meditation in there to like help in those moments of like, hey, what's going on? How can I assess what the fuck is happening in my environment?

Is this a real tiger? If not, cool, what's happening in my body? What's the narrative? What's going on? How can I start to challenge that? No one's going to do it for you. No one is going to do it for you. And so it's so important.

to really start to address like, what am I chasing? Am I chasing? If I just removed myself from this equation, would I ever hear from this person again? And if so, and it's a breadcrumb, which is another question someone asks, like, if someone's breadcrumbing me, how do I handle that internally? It's like, how you handle that is acknowledging that this is on them and not you. You handle this by acknowledging that I deserve better. You validate your feelings. Yeah, this feels like shit. I don't like to be breadcrumbed. I don't enjoy this. It feels dismissive. I feel really sad. I feel really down. I feel lonely. Whatever. That little you wants to be validated. Don't gaslight yourself of like, oh, you're fucking drama. You're overreacting. It's okay to acknowledge that something bothers you.

We can hold two conflicting truths. I don't like this feeling. This doesn't feel good. But it also doesn't mean that there has to be something wrong with them. And oftentimes our cognitive bias is we have to villainize other people in order to make ourselves the hero in the story. Oh, well, it's not me. They're the fucked up ones. And it's like if someone's breadcrumming me, I don't need to create a narrative as to why they're breadcrumming me

unless I have any kind of fact. All I know is that doesn't work for me. It doesn't have to be, well, because he's a fucking player, and he's playing the field and he wants all these girls. And it's like maybe, or maybe this person just doesn't feel a connection with you. Maybe this person is dealing with their own shit and they don't have the bandwidth for a relationship. Do I need to create a narrative around that?

No, I can just acknowledge, you know what, this doesn't work for me. and we give away our power when we stopped doing that. And I wish I had done that many moons ago because by chasing the wrong fucking people, begging them to validate me, begging them to choose me, what did that do, reaffirm the core beliefs is there something wrong with me? See, well, hey, these people, they were not willing to change for you. And it's like, I'm not willing to change for anybody. But I never stopped to see it that way.

Or to ask myself, well, Sabrina, do you like the way this person treats you? Not the potential, not the fantasy. not the fairy tale. And oftentimes it's what we do. We fill in the blanks. We fill in the blanks with how would we handle this? That's why text has no motherfucking tone. Text has no tone. Because what happens when you're texting nonstop with somebody is you don't actually know they're intended in tonality with you. And so we started to create how we would handle this. How would I court me if I were doing this? Oh, well, I would say this and I would do this. And we start to create these fantasies. None of those are rooted in any kind of reality. Because the reality here,

is what you think you want is not actually what you need. And then when you get what it is that you need, it is such a different experience than half the bullshit that you see in Hollywood. It's not. The relationship that you want and desire isn't going to always be all of these intense emotions. That's not sustainable. That's actually going to cause a crash. It'll be consistent and calm and you feel safe. And for me, that was foreign. And for a lot of you guys, it might be as well. That's okay. But if we continue to go after these patterns of behavior that don't fucking work for us, then we can't be surprised when nothing changes, nothing changes. So if we're going after somebody constantly, constantly hoping that this person's going to choose us and how many guys?

I'm, here's a fun story. This one dude I dated in L.A. I didn't date it. Okay, excuse me. Let me reframe this. Here's a fun story. There was this guy that I matched with on Bumble when I first moved to L.A. And I remember being like, oh my God, like he's, you know, same ethnicity as me.

Oh, my God, his parents are from the same place. No way. Oh, my God, he's super hot. God, this guy's so fucking hot. Super attractive and really successful and, like, funny and witty. And I was like, oh, fucking shit. And we matched. And I remember we were chatting, never heard from him.

And like, I kind of just like, okay, whatever. Year later, I get a DM from him. Like, hey, are you free tonight? Can I take you out to dinner? And it's funny is because I. just ended something like moments prior and the guy and I were supposed to get a dinner. And I was like, actually I am. I was like, I'm literally, I was like my friend. I lied to my, I didn't want to tell him. Like I just ended it with a guy. And it was like our third date. It wasn't like I was in a

relationship. And I just said like, yeah, my friend literally just canceled on dinner. I was like, you want to go to dinner? And he was like, yeah, I'll come. Like I lived right by this restaurant called the Rose in Venice. And I was like, I'll meet you. I'll walk you. Like I'm not far. I'll walk there and I'll meet you there. And I remember I was just sitting next to him and, or like, seeing him and just like sweating and being so the whole time just being like, oh my God. I'm like texting my mom in the bathroom like, oh my God, he's so fucking hot. Holy shit. Like I'm so crazy about him.

And my mom was like, okay, Sabrina, like let's fucking calm down. You don't know this person. And we had like an hour and a half date. Like it wasn't anything crazy. Like we went out for drinks and he was like, do you want any food? We ordered a bite. And then he walked me like, I literally lived down the street. He was like, I can drive you.

And I was like, I'm right here. I was like, I didn't want you to know where I live. I was like, but I'm literally like I'm not far. And so then we were like, he like grabbed me and he kissed me and it was this really passionate kiss. He was grabbing my ass and I was like, ooh, I love this. And then we left, he was like, I want to see you again. And like I always had this idea. And now if anybody steals this for me, go ahead, pay me.

But I always wanted to do this dating app called the report card where after a date you'd each get feedback on each other of like, hey, I thought this person was super cool, but I'm not interested in seeing them again. And then that way then if both of you answered the questionnaire, if one person said they didn't want to see the other person again, then the match would disappear. And you'd be like, okay, well, they weren't. interested, right? Move on with our lives. And so I joked with him and I was like, you know, don't forget to send me your report card after because I told him about the idea. And he was like, well, text me moments later. Like the second he left, holy shit, tonight was fucking unreal. Like, I finally feel like I met, like, all this stuff. And I got my report card. And it was just like glowing reviews of how I'm amazing. And then he was like, so I have to see you again. And I was like on

cloud nine. I was just sitting at home being like, this can't be real. It wasn't. And I didn't. And then I I remember, like, the next day, and, like, we were texting so much, like, erratic. And then the next day, I didn't hear from him. And I was like, okay, whatever. Like, that's weird, but sure. He sent me, like, a meme that night. Like, that didn't even make any sense. You're like, uh, okay, I don't know what this is referring to, but I was like,

ha-ha. Like, I just heard it and that's it. Then, like, two days later, I, like, I still didn't heard from him. And, like, we had talked about going to this place called Paws in L.A. That's, like, hot, sound a cold plunge. And he messaged me and he was like, hey, or no, I messaged him. And I was like, hey, did you still want to do this? Like, I have to book it.

I was like, we kind of need to know because I was going to be like, I know the girl there and she was going to gift me in. And he was like, hey, I'm not going to be able to make it to do that. But like, why don't we just do dinner around you? I was like, sounds good. You know, no worries. Okay, cool. And then all of a sudden, a few minutes later I get.

So Texas, what brings you to Texas? What are you doing there? Just vacation? And I just like, hit me. And I was like, this isn't for me. Like, I knew it. I was like, my heart sank. can I remember just I was like, this was meant for another girl, wasn't it? And then he messaged a couple

minutes later like, sorry, that was for my colleague. I knew who his colleague was. We followed each other. I was like, your colleague's here. Like, there was no colleague that was there. He was like, oh, my colleague, blah, blah, is in Texas. And I was like, no, he's not. He just posted literally four minutes ago in L.A. I was like, he's here. And so I just said, like, it's okay. I just, I think that was obviously for somebody else. And he got super defensive. He was like, wow, I can't fucking believe you would accuse me of that. And I was like, all right, dude, like, whatever. And I was just like, all right, hey man, I was like, I wasn't trying to be disrespectful. I was like, it just felt pretty obvious. Red flags, a blazing. And he just wrote back like a few minutes later. And he

was just like, no, like that wasn't, that wasn't the intention. It was my colleague. Like, I'm still excited to see you Monday. And I was like, okay, cool, sounds good. Like I'll see you Monday, or Tuesday or something. Didn't hear from him. Weekend goes by. Monday morning, I get a text, high space, comma, clearly a copy and paste job. I have decided to pursue another connection. I'm dating somebody else that I really like. I wish you all the best. And I was like, And I was like, and then I was just like, okay, I just wrote back. Thank you for letting me know. And like, I remember just crying and being like, what the actual fuck?

Again, never acknowledging, hey, this is on him. Nope, still me. Still me. Still me. Still me. There's something wrong with me. For about six months after that, this motherfucker would text me all the time. Like, I'll never forget.

Like, and then a week later, I was out to dinner with all my friends. And he messaged me, like, DMs me on like a photo because I was like wearing a hot dress saying, so when do I get to see you again and kiss you and kiss you and grab that ass of yours? And I was like, you ended it with me a week ago. I was like, what are you talking about? I was like, we were supposed to go to date. And he just wrote like, woof. And I said what? And he was like, I'm embarrassed. And I was like, as you should be. And I was like, we can still go out. Like, I don't know what the issue is. And then he was like, I'm busy. I'm walking into an appointment. I can't deal with this right now. And I was like, okay. Two weeks later,

same thing. Slides into my DM. So I don't understand why haven't I seen you again? And I'm like, dude. At this point, I was like, all right, you must be dating so many fucking women. You literally can't even keep track. Moral of the story. When people show you bullshit behavior, inconsistency, hot and cold, the one minute they're in one minute. Stop worrying about why they're not choosing you. Stop worrying of if you do this, then you're going to get this. That person is telling you off the bat, they have their own shit and they have their own

issues, that does not need to mean that they need to be yours. And when I finally stopped allowing those types of people to dictate who I was, and like after, I remember just towards like, as that kind of went progressed, I was like, man, this guy is just off his fucking rocker. I was like, I started to see him for who he was and I was like, no, I'm good. And like, I remember he unfollowed me like when Ryan and I started to date and I was like, oh, cliche, didn't do that one coming. And it was just that moment of I was hopeful. And I would always look at my stories to see if he saw it because I was like, that could be the one. That could be the time he slides into my DMs. That could be the time he responds to my stories. That could be the time he sees me and makes this

come to Jesus moment that I'm his woman. None of that happened. Because when we are waiting so long for someone else to see our value, we overlook our own value. And there is no reason that you need to be reminding people of who the fuck you are. There is no reason that you need to be reminding people and chasing people and going after people that are very clearly telling you by their inaction or their fucked up behavior that this person is not emotionally available for the things that you want.

And the quicker you have those hard conversations and call them out on their shit and say those things. Because when I called this guy out, disappeared. Because, and I laughed. I was like, of course you did. I was like, you fucking puss, you little bitch. Like, you weren't even gonna fucking stand up.

Because I knew it. I knew it. And I stopped kidding myself to think that there was something wrong with me and make it about me. and instead had to acknowledge, no, that's on this guy. You're the one who's literally acting bipolar right now. And that's okay if you are, but like, I don't need to make this my own issue.

I don't need to create a narrative about it. And when I stopped chasing the wrong things, chasing the, but he was successful and he was really good looking and he drove a nice car, that was chasing the wrong things. When I was chasing the wrong people, when I was going after the wrong stuff, when I was trying so hard to run away from the pain that I was feeling internally as opposed to running towards a goal because this person and I could build a life together, that's when my fucking life changed. And my life changed because I finally allowed somebody into my life that wanted to build a life with me in the way that I wanted. And it started from the ground up. It started with the

strongest foundation I've ever had in a relationship because we were honest, vulnerable, transparent, and open from get, go, from day one, because I had nothing to fucking lose. If I were going to continue perpetually chasing those wrong people, I was just going to keep chasing the wrong things. And my partner didn't like the car he drove. I didn't like the way he dressed. And I was like, okay, all of that has been rectified. I mean, he still drives his car. But like, he looks fucking fantastic.

And it's like because people can evolve and change. Just because somebody off the bat is not like everything you think that you want does not mean that that person shouldn't still deserve your time. There's a difference between liking someone and being unsure versus being repulsed by somebody. I mean like, I don't even want this person to touch me. Well, then I would not advise going out with this person again. But we have to change the way that we're doing things.

And for anybody that's going to come at me and say, well, I went after somebody that wasn't my type and it didn't work. It's like, all right, girl, just because one time you did something that didn't fucking pan out in the way that you want does not mean that that's it. But the way that you've been doing shit ain't fucking working. So instead of blaming it on the fact that going after your type or somebody that wasn't your type was the problem, maybe look internally and see, maybe I'm the fucking issue. And maybe I'm the one that's bringing my baggage. And maybe I'm the one that's trauma dumping. And maybe I'm the one that's being inappropriate on these dates. And I'm so anxious.

I'm sending fucking paragraphs to somebody to get them to look at me and pay attention to me. Maybe that's the shit that we need to start looking at and start taking that internal stock of ourselves. And I say that with so much love. And you guys know I love you.

So, I mean, I could rant on this for hours and days. But why continue? Why continue? You know why. Because we'll do it in another episode. And guys, as always, thank you, thank you. If you need anything, please don't hesitate to let me know how you guys liked this episode.

leave a review, join the course if you guys need it, work one on one, whatever you guys need. I'm here to support you guys and I love you and I'm proud of you and keep doing the fucking work because you showing up for yourself is how you're going to allow other people to do so.