The Sabrina Zohar Show - 80: Texting in Dating Pt. 2

Episode Date: June 11, 2024

Flying solo today for this special episode, Sabrina is talking about texting while dating. Sabrina's personal experience highlights that the anxiety around texting persists even when trying to disconnect, but it's how you handle these feelings that matter. Texting can trigger black-and-white thinking, where unmet expectations validate negative core beliefs, leading to anxiety. Understanding that people have different texting habits and showing up authentically in relationships is crucial. Focusing on overall relationship dynamics is important rather than just texting patterns. Building security and confidence helps alleviate anxiety. Compromise is key, especially when texting habits differ between partners. Effective communication, setting realistic expectations, and addressing concerns with evidence can help manage texting-related anxieties. Ultimately, texting should not be the foundation of a relationship, and flexibility, understanding, and personal growth are essential for healthy interactions. Want to work with Sabrina? HERE! Join the Make It Make Sense: Getting Through a Breakup course HERE! Stuck After the Podcast? Master Implementation in 8 Weeks with Sabrina's Foundation Course Get Ad-free episodes and 2 Bonus episodes a month HERE! Dont forget to follow Sabrina and The Sabrina Zohar Show on instagram and Sabrina on Tik tok! Video now available on YOUTUBE!  Disclaimer: The Sabrina Zohar Show, formally known as Do The Work, is not affiliated with A.Z & associates LLC in any capacity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to another episode of Do the Work podcast. My name is Sabrina Zohar and I am your host. We have a special today and this special is a bonus episode of me. Because I did a poll on Insta and thank you guys for answering for anyone who's not following on Do the Work Instagram. I do tons of polls, tons of questions on there. Actually, most of the questions that I'll be going over today came from that. You guys all said 75% of you said you wanted more solos. So I am so here to give that back to you guys and to connect with you guys in different ways because this is personally like my favorite thing to do is to sit with you guys and to talk with you.

And so first off the bat, can I just thank every single person for being here and showing up authentically? I got a very rude review somebody left or somebody sent me on Instagram of how they hate the way I speak and that she heard me on a different podcast and came and listened and she just can't stand my speed and finds my cursing inappropriate and all of these things. and how I need to change and how I will be losing followers if I don't. And I stopped and I chuckled because, of course, I got into my own head and I let my core narratives hit. And then I stopped and I went, yeah, but you're the people I'm not trying to fucking change for because the people that are here right now, the ones of you guys listening, whether you're a subscriber, whether you work with me or one or one or whether you're just someone

who just chimes in and listens because you fucking are here to do the work and help yourself, you guys are the reason I'm here. So for anyone that doesn't resonate, that's totally okay. I am not your girl. That is fine. You can exit stage left. But for anyone that's here, I'm fucking here for you. And this is the same mentality to bring into dating. That's okay if you're not going to be for some people. No worries. Girl, you go do you or boy, you do your thing. I'm going to keep doing my thing because I would like to build a community of people that authentically love me for me, not because they want me to change and be something else. So let's us not forget that,

my babes. And today, before I get into the topic, it's going to be a hot one. It's going to be a hot one. It's a part duh, because you guys have asked for it so fucking much. But before we get into the episode, again, some little reminders. As you guys know, if you want ad free, it's an option. You guys get two bonus episodes a month and add free if you subscribe. So for seven bucks a month, and listen, if money is tight, I totally understand that's the least that you could do for yourself to invest a little bit because at the end of the day, you could get all the free shit in the world, but until you actually put money towards

something, even something small for yourself and doesn't have to be with me, it could be going a therapy. It could be going and talking to somebody and having lunch with them and doing that. It doesn't matter. But invest in yourself. Put some money behind yourself so that you actually know that you are taking that step for yourself. And I'm not just saying me, but it's an option if you guys want to. The course is out. You guys, it's one of the best, it's one of the best things I've ever made. And the feedback has been incredible. People really seem to be jiving and growing from it. And the course is eight weeks. It's self-guided. You have it for life. There's three meditations in there that you can come back to any time. There's journals. There's worksheets. There's prompts. There's different things

to help along your journey, and there's a bit of a rubric. And it's not for me to sell you on other things. This is all I have. It's just if you want the course. If you want to work with me, you can. And if you can't, you got the course. So there's just some little housekeeping things. Guys, please don't forget to rate and review the show. Anywhere you guys listen, you can just leave five stars if you think it's worth it. And if you don't, you can message me directly and tell me why you don't think so. You don't have to tell people for the world that you don't like the speed at which I speak. Or you You just keep that to yourself. But if you think it's word that, please, please, it's the only way I grow is if you guys click the three dots on Spotify or at the bottom on Apple, scroll to the

bottom and leave your review. It's literally how I can grow the charts and get bigger people and continue on doing this podcast for you guys and keeping this for free because we have the amazing sponsors. So please show some love across the board. It means the world and it's the way I can keep showing up for you. And that's how I am using my voice to ask you guys in return for something I need. So I'm excited. Today we're going to be talking about texting and date. Oh, guys. It's a topic I've been putting off for a minute because we had one episode and I was like, I think it's enough. And I'm like, it's not enough. And it's funny because Ryan and I went away, tech guy and I, we went to Sedona. And for anybody who hasn't been to Sedona or to Arizona in general,

we went to Savannah first and that had to have been one of the best resorts and retreats I've ever stayed at. The people were amazing. It was so beautiful. We did wall yoga. We did meditations. We sat in the gardens. We had the best food. We went on a hike and they did Chad that. brand the hike was amazing. So if you're in Arizona, check out Savannah or we went to Sedona and we stayed at Orchards Inn and it was amazing. The view was unreal. Brand new place. It was gorgeous. But really what that trip away taught me and what helped me was understanding that the anxiety that I have, even around texting still is prevalent. Even when I'm trying to disconnect and do something for myself, I still have anxiety about what other people are going through and how they're feeling and all of

those things. And I was away. Me, this girl, was supposed to disconnect by going away and having the best trip ever. And I did. And so, you know, thank you guys for supporting me through that. But the point being is like, this stuff doesn't just go away. Like you can have anxiety. You can have feelings and thoughts and emotions. It's just what you do with them. Because it's like, yeah, while I was away, I could have let that whole trip become all about, oh, but this person didn't respond back. And I don't understand what's going on with this person. It's like, instead, I allowed myself and I was like, cool, Sabrina, you're also away. You are doing your thing. And like, I know so many guys will write in, you know, I'm traveling or the person I like is traveling.

Look, let's hop right on into the conversation. And it's like, this is where texting becomes really muddied. And just in general, off the bat, let me start with one thing here. When I'm talking about texting and dating, I am not living under a rock to be like, oh my God, just never text ever. It's like, there was, I think the Daily Mail had made some clickbait. And I had them take it down because I was like, I never said that. I never said never text. My point being is can you handle it? If you're somebody who doesn't really get attached easily, you are in, you know, you understand your shit, you're just enjoying your conversations, but you can put your phone away and go on with your day. And if somebody texts you,

it's not the end of the world. That's one thing. Then go and do your fucking thing. You can go and continue to text how you want to text. But really, the reason I will stand on this hill of stop with the fucking texting is because for a lot of people, they can't handle it. And I was one of those people. I would fucking spiral. My thing, I was the queen of the catastrophes, ruminating, spiraling thinking. And if I text somebody, and literally if a minute would go by or five minutes, I'd be like, that was it. See, I knew it. I knew it. They didn't like you. And they didn't want to be with you. And I would use that as my reaffirming core beliefs. Up, see, I knew that they weren't into me. I knew that they didn't like me. I knew all of those

things. But at the end of the day, I didn't know any of those. What I knew was that that person literally hadn't responded to me. But what that was telling me when I had the catastrophizing and the spiraling and the ruminating was that's where my core beliefs were. That's where I was coming from. And so when I wasn't aware of it, when I would have guys that I'll never forget this guy that I dated when I lived in Venice and I text my mom, it was like two in the afternoon. And I was like, I still can't believe I even even heard from him. My entire morning was off. And then sure enough, like 10 minutes later, I got the text. I was like, hey, how's your day?

And all of a sudden, my mom even laughed. She's like, let me guess he texts you, didn't you? And I was like, how'd you know? And she was like, because your entire demeanor changed. That is, that moment scared me and I'll tell you why. Because I can't fathom someone being so in control of my mood and emotion to the point. where their inaction or action, texting or not, is what sets me off for the day. Because here's another harsh reality.

You're not afraid of the fact that this person's not texting you, because who gives a fuck if this person texts you good morning or not? It's about the emotion and the feeling that you're avoiding because when they don't text you, then how do you feel? When they don't message you, it's the feeling that you're scared of. Oh, I'm going to be abandoned. I'm going to be left. This reminds me of my father or my mother or childhood or this is a feeling that I felt

before because when you're secure in who you are, you also can hold space for, I don't know. Maybe this person's busy. So other conflicting thoughts. Maybe this person's just fucking at work or maybe they just don't want to engage in a conversation right now. Like there are so many times my friends will message me or people in general and I'll be like, I just don't have the bandwidth. I'm right now. I'm so in my own head and I'm so in my own shit. I don't have the resources right now to give to this other person. And I know that the thoughts here that come are, but I understand. But if somebody likes you and it's like, so here's where that thinking becomes dangerous. That is black and white thinking. And black and white thinking, can become very detrimental and healing because people are not black and white. And that's why I hate that if he wanted to, he would and all of those bumper sticker slogans. Because what you're saying is every person is the same. Every single human being has to act in this way because, well, that's how I see things. And more often than not, the space that we leave in between like, oh, well, you know, when we start to fantasize and get into limerence of like, oh, but, you know, maybe this will happen.

We start to imagine how would they treat me if I, if they were me, right? So I start to fantasize of like, oh, and then he's going to do all of these things. And it's like, that's what I would do, right? That's how I would act. That's how I would be. But that doesn't mean that that's how everyone's going to be. And so when I talk about the texting, it's not about, you know, so many people will write in and like more, more often than not, most of the questions that we got were coming from a place of dysregulation. And we're coming from a place of hyperfixation on one aspect of a relationship.

Yeah, texting is part of so many other things. And so the number one question is like, well, I understand. And what do you mean how people show up for you? And it's like if all you're looking at is how someone texts you, you don't even have, first of all, then I would wonder if you have the emotional maturity to be in a real relationship. Because if all you're looking at is a fucking tablet in front of your face, you're not actually equipped and ready for what it's going to take to be in a relationship. Because in a relationship, you don't have to hide behind your phone. You get, you have to fucking talk and communicate and spend time with this person and have conversations

of depth and have vulnerability and transparency and have real weight to, what it is that you guys are talking about. If all you're looking at is, but he didn't text me today, it's like, that's not the only issue that we have. Because then again, I would start to say, let's trail it back. So if that person didn't text you, how do you feel right now? So if you're going to start to rum in it in spiral, what I always like to say is, well, how do I feel right now? What's happening in my body? Where am I feeling this? What's the core? What's the narrative that's being played for me? What's happening within me? Because I can control me. I can't control other people. And then when we start to trail it back, it's like when people are secure, it's like, sure, you might be a little anxious.

Like, I've definitely had anxiety around people and not answering, especially if you're like, oh, weird, I emailed that person. And it's been six days and they haven't responded. Huh. But it doesn't mean that you have to go to what's wrong with me. What did I do wrong? And I think a lot of people say, no, no, no, this only happens in relationships. I call bullshit. Really?

Check your phone. When's the last time you text a friend and they didn't answer and you start to wonder, shit, did I say something wrong? Do I say something that hurt them? Oh, God. Oh, God. Was I too much? I made this about me again, didn't I? And that's okay.

I do the same thing because the point is it's not about, it's not always about them. It's like we also have to look at, is this a pattern that's coming up with me? And then here's the other pattern that we need to also take into account. You're going to tell me so you've never had this with any other person you've dated besides this one person? Bullshit. Bullshit. The fucking fantasizing and going super into the texting, this isn't the first person that you've ever gone anxious about because they didn't text you good morning. It's on repeat because it's a pattern.

This is what I go over in the course. This is the first week. For week, fucking one of the courses, let's talk about dating patterns. Let's start to look at what it is that you say you want in a relationship and what you're receiving. And then where is the disconnect? If the disconnect is lying in communication, in digital, we don't see each other. We don't spend time together. All they do is text me. They only text me good morning because it's never just one text. It's never just one text. Text requires bandwidth. If I just wrote to you, hey, hope you have a great day. Going to be disconnected from my phone, but I hope you have a great afternoon. Then I'll get, but he only texts me once today. I just don't understand. And well, how busy could you be?

And why? Because it's not about the fucking text. It's what the text signifies. The text signifies that you're going to be left or abandoned or this person's not going to want to be with you or those fears are going to come true. That's really what it's about. And that's the thing is like, why do you think I'm so big on the stopping with the texting? Because it's not about, oh, just never text that person. It's about let's take weight off of things because if all you're focused on is that, have you even stopped to look up and like see the forest for the trees if you're staring so hard at the one stump to start to see, well, how else is someone showing up?

Is this person making consistent plans? Are they trying to spend time with me? Are they being honest and saying, hey, I'm not a big textor? I was just talking to somebody this morning. And she was saying, you know, well, I told him I wanted more texting. And I said, and did he do it? And she goes, I mean, well, she first says, I told him, I spoke my truth. And I said I had what I wanted and then I needed.

I needed more. He didn't do anything. And he did the black and white thinking, the always and the never, the big statements that we have to avoid. He never did it. He didn't do a thing. And he didn't do a thing, really? And she said, well, okay, so he texted a couple of more times in a day.

And I was like, there it is. How insufferable would it be to be on the receiving end of that? Could you imagine that nothing you ever do is fucking good enough for somebody? because what you're doing has nothing to do with you but everything to do with their insecurities. Yeah, exhausting it is to feel like you're always under someone's microscope that they're going to start to say that you're doing things. If you don't do it how they want because you didn't text them in the time that they thought. And I'm not saying, again, we have to be able to have the difference here in the adult capacity to be able to look and say, this isn't about excusing bad behavior.

If you're going out with someone in five, six days, even more than two days of no contact. Like every other day is when Ryan and I were speaking. Fine. Any more? Two days. Okay, if they're traveling, if they let you know like, hey, whoa, I'm about to like go do this. I'm going to be kind of off the grid for a couple of days.

That's one thing. But more than two days, that's just bad. That's just an excuse for bad behavior. Then you have every right to be like, hey, I'd love more communication in between our dates. But we have to look, how often are you going out? If you're going out once every three weeks, well, then you guys are not actually building a relationship here. It takes intentionality.

But intentional texting also requires intentionality. And it also requires you to show up authentically when you're texting. A big tip I have is start to think about what am I texting this person for? Do I actually have something to add to the conversation? Do I want to share something? Do I have something to say? Or is this coming from a place of, I'm scared of maybe abandoned or have they thought about me? Or it's the same when someone hearts your message.

Fucking leave it. Someone hearts the message. That's it. They're done. They don't want to continue the conversation. I do that all the time. If I heard it, I'm just like, okay. And even my dad the other day, he was like, okay.

And he kept talking. And I was like, dad, I literally told you I had two minutes. And I was like, by hurting the message, that was my way of saying, I can't talk right now. And then he was like, oh, okay, thanks for telling me. And I let him know. And so then when I heard of the message next time, you wrote, okay, my love, I see you're busy. I'll talk to you later. And I was like, love you pop.

It's a way. It's you can communicate with somebody. But it's also. And like, yeah, that's me and my father. Like, I've had to set boundaries with him. And I go, oh, you can't set a boundary with a narcissist. It's like, no, no, no, you can. It's just they won't like it.

But like when I told him like, sorry, dad, I'm busy. I'm working right now. He was like, oh, okay, I totally get it. Cool. I just couldn't talk right now. But if he took that personally, that wouldn't be on me and be like, hey, well, that sounds like a you thing. Right. And it's the same with like, stop fucking texting asking people, the vibe is off when you don't know this person.

It's one thing if you're like, hey, I've noticed a shift in our dynamic. I feel like we were really consistent. And now I haven't heard from you in four days. Like, am I picking up on that right? Is everything okay? Getting curious. But one of my clients who I fucking love, he has done so much work to be secure. And like, he had a plan with a girl.

He had plans with her for like five days from then. And he was like, I was on a work trip. He told her, I'm going on a work trip. I am not going to be by my phone. I am literally head down, powering through. And they had spoken. It's not like you had never spoken to her. He went on the trip.

He said, like, I'm so excited to you when I get back. He was like, literally had been a day. He was like, the next day she texts me like, our vibe is off. You normally text me. And he was like, I've had one date with this girl. Like, I do not know who she is. I have no idea. And he wrote her and he was like, vibe off. He's like, I'm seeing you when I get back. I just spoke to you. Like, what else do you want? And he was like, oh. And sure enough, like, they didn't end up pursuing anything because she went bananas on him. And it's like, that's not on him. What do you want? What is he to own? That she was feeling insecure, that she was projecting onto him, her shit, making it his issue. No. This is where we have to stop with the anxious at being like, oh, well, at least we say something. It's like, but you're not. Constantly talking isn't necessarily communicating. Favorite line for my favorite line. movie, Eternal Sunshine. So just because you're talking all the time doesn't mean you're communicating

with this person. I learned that because I talk a lot. So let's get into some questions before I go off on any more tendons. So the first one here is how to communicate, worry about a change in communication. So again, you want to have data to back that up. That's my first thing. That's like the boy who cried wolf. If every time you're always sounding the alarms and then this person's finally like, what are you talking about? Show me what you're talking about. Because that would be my response. If I hadn't spoken to someone in one day and they were like, hey, the vibe is off. My response would be like, I'm sorry, where did you get that from? Did you create that narrative in your head because, well, they didn't text me. Well, they didn't text me because they don't like me.

Well, they must not like. Then we start to create a situation versus, no, me and this person talk every single day because we've been dating for six months and I haven't heard from them in three days. Yeah, the shit, there's a vibe off. Right. We don't need to become detective. You don't have to start looking. Oh, well, they used a period here. But they just ask somebody like, hey, are we good? I notice that there's a shift in there. If they're like, what are you talking about? Then having, because imagine if you go and you're like, but you didn't put a smiley face here.

They're going to look at you and be like, oh, are you okay? Like, you read that into it and that's hypervigilance and that's okay. Hypervigilance is you're scanning the room for safety because you're scared you're going to lose the connection. So every single thing becomes, there's a threat. There's a threat. That's where you're always feeling triggered. But when you're confident and secure, when you're not always waiting for a threat

because you're safe in your own body, well, then those little things don't bother you as much because you feel safe. within yourself. You're not seeking safety from this person. So if you're talking to someone and you genuinely notice a change and you're like, I have data. I have. We used to talk every single day, especially and not let me preface. When you first meet somebody and you're doing the, oh, we talk every single day and then you maybe go on one or two dates and then you feel a shift. No, baby, that's not a shift in that dynamic. That's that you were a fantasy and you're no longer a fantasy. Now your reality. Now that person has met you and seen you.

Now they're making the decision that maybe they don't want to pursue that. That's very different than you've been really consistent for three months. And then now all of a sudden you're starting to pull away. Is there something going on? Very different than, but we had this whole digital relationship. And then when we hung out once or twice, now all of a sudden they change. It's like, no, you're no longer fantasy. They now have data points to go off of.

They've met you. So we have to be cognizant of being able to hold space between that of like, that's true. And then asking ourselves, well, do all. I want to pursue something with this person? If I start to notice such a shift, do I want to be with somebody who is this inconsistent? We also get to make choices within ourselves. So it's a very easy like, hey, I've noticed a shift in our dynamic. Am I picking up on that correctly? And if they're like, cool, what are you talking about? Have something to come with that meth. Not, I don't know, I just felt something was off. Okay, what did you feel? Like, where did that feeling come from?

We have to be able to back it up with facts. And that's why I'll challenge you guys. If you even start with that, it's like, what are the facts to back this up? If you have concrete ones, okay, great, go have a conversation. But if not, it's like, then maybe that's when we look and go, oh, yeah, I think I actually fucking created an entire narrative because this person was just a way on a work trip. And I was just really scared that they were going to never talk to me again. And, whoa, that's when I need to realize, if this is my person, I don't need to worry this hard. Because when you let go and allow people to show up how they're going to, you allow naturalness to happen and you're not trying to control everything. But it's okay to have communication and talk

with people if you genuinely feel a shift. So if I'm a text or he's not, what is the middle ground for communication. I would say this is where you learn to compromise with each other. So if you're a texter and he's not, then you say, cool, all right. Well, so then do you want to have FaceTime instead, like, twice a week instead of us doing texting all the time? Do you want to call me instead of FaceTime? Like, I might have been a big texter.

You know what? Truthfully, it was because I was bored. I was bored. I wasn't actually focused up because now that, like, I have such a robust life, I barely text people. Like, even to my mother, my mother, I have to text in the day to be like, mom, I'm so sorry. I love you.

I didn't forget about you. So it's like, we got to have to look of like, okay, so you're, a big texter. It's okay if you're a big text or they're not. That doesn't mean that your partner has to satisfy your need. Then maybe you're a big texter with your friend. I used to have a friend like that. We were close for a while and we would text each other all the time.

And because I didn't have someone else to talk to and it's like that because your partner can't be the one need that satisfied is everything. And so then I would start to ask like, okay, if you're a big texter and this person's not, well then we have to look. I'm like, is this going to work for you? So here's my, what I'll always ask people is like, so get rid of the texting. Let's say that

the texting used to live together, right? and that you don't really text. Let's say you're in a committed relationship and the texting you see this person more often than not. What's the issue then? What's the issue? Because if you're like, well, no, but we don't see each other. That's the issue.

Oh, well, they don't make me a priority. That's the issue. It's not the texting. So if you're a big text or it's like, no, no, so you want to try to have that connection with this person because maybe what I'm hearing is that you're uncomfortable sitting without it. And I'm not saying that once you're in a relationship, like it took me and Ryan six, five months to start texting every day

because we weren't in a relationship prior to that. Once you're in a relationship, of course you can text every day. That's your person. That's your partner. Of course you could talk to them. But that has to be something that's earned. Not just from them, but you too. Do you just give anybody?

So I walk by your house and go, that's a beautiful home. You're just like, here are the keys? So you just anybody? Because you're like, well, but I want it. It's like, no, no, no. That person has to earn a space in your life because let's think about the way the brain works, neuroplasticity and just the brain in general. The brain loves familiarity.

And so the brain also loves dopamine hits. And so if somebody becomes part of it, you become, if somebody becomes part of, you every day, welcome to the addiction loop. Your brain now can't be without them because they, and that's why it's very detrimental to start texting morning and a night with everybody all the time in the beginning. Again, it's not because I'm Pollyanna and I live under a fucking rock that I'm like, ah, in my day, we didn't have texting. It's like, no, I met my partner a while a year and a half ago. Very in it. And I was a queen of wanting the texting. But I had to stop. I'll never forget. I'll never forget. I went to my sister's mother-in-law and I told her, I said, you know,

And he goes, yeah, he's not a big texter. And she looked at him and she goes, here we go again. Sabrina's going to sabotage because she's not getting what she wants. And I looked at her and I was like, fair. I said, that's a fair play. And I said, but not this time. Not this time. She looks to me.

She was like, I'm proud of you. And I said, no, I'm not going to allow this to end this relationship. I was like, because this guy didn't do anything. He's been awesome. He's been great. He's been communicative. He set a boundary. He just doesn't want to engage in this digital thing, but he shows up.

We always had plans because both of us are planners. So that's what I mean by like, it doesn't mean that you have to sacrifice everything you want. I heard a strong and very powerful quote the other day. Just because you're thirsty doesn't mean you need to take the cyanide. So just because you're dating doesn't mean you have to take what you're given. You can still say, I want this in a relationship. But then we have to say, but in a relationship, that's the key word. So it's okay to be like, all right, he's a big texter and I'm not.

Okay, but we have so many other things that we're compatible with. Like, that's just another, whatever. Me and me, my friend texts more. No big deal. Because this person shows up for me. When I need them, they're the first person I call. That means more weight than gold than you telling me. We text every morning, good morning, but I haven't seen this person in six months.

It's like, you know, you're just wasting your time and your resources. And like Ryan always says, when you waste a part of you, when you waste someone's time, you waste a part of their life. Think about all of this endless texting. You ain't getting that time back. God, I think about that. so many times I wasted my goddamn time. So many memories of being with my family, but then being on my phone the whole time. And not actually, I don't talk to any of those people that I wasted that time with.

Those are not my people. No. And you know what I'm not going to get back? Those moments. From here on out, you get to make a decision how you live your life. You get to decide. And if you want to now waste your time texting someone from Hinge for fucking three weeks before you've met and then maybe you meet and maybe to, then you're just not getting that time back. So we have to be very cognizant of the boundaries that we also set with people to allow them in our lives. You also get power and you have the power to say, no, this doesn't work for me. Any tips to get past the basic small talk when you first start texting? Ask questions.

If you, okay, here's my thing. If you match somebody, if you match with somebody and you have nothing on their profile that you're interested in and you're just going based on physical and then you start talking, there's nothing, well, then you don't have anything of substance. you're only liking this person because they're attractive. Somebody asks like, how do I avoid it from fizzling when like a lot of people match and don't it? It's like, stop trying to make something fit that's not. I'll never forget when I first got to L.A.

There was this guy that I matched with and we were chatting and I was only there for like five days. And I'm like, the New Yorker, I'm like, all right, let's meet. Like, what are we doing here? Right? Like the minute I land, I'm like, let's go get a coffee. And he was texting and it was kind of boring. It was one of those things that I was very clearly keeping the conversation alive and I was going back.

And then I finally was like, so do you want to meet? and his response was whoa what's the rush to the altar and it's like that was my point I was trying so hard to keep this alive and I remember being like what are you talking about I just want to meet my brother looked at me and he was like stop he was like you ain't going to meet this guy and I looked and I was like he's right I never met that guy because it's not your job to make the other person entertain it's not your job if you are talking to someone and you're like I've asked them three questions and they're not really giving me anything it's like then move on done this is what I mean by like as a child you're looking being like oh

well, you'll work, right? Because I only have you, and I have to make you into the parent that I want because I have to have you choose me. But you're not dating your mom or dad. These are other people. You also get to decide, nah, this doesn't work for me. I don't like this guy. Or this girl, she's not fucking giving me anything. She's just answering questions and they're not asking one back. I'm good. Just sit there. Just, okay, well, I'm just going to leave it. So I think we have to remember that the texting stuff. It's not your job. You're not a fucking puppeteer. You don't need to entertain anybody. If it's going to fizzle, let it fizzle. Let it fizzle. If it's going to. grow, let it grow, but allow people to also show up and not always be trying to do that for them. All right. Long distance. Let's talk about it. Now, a lot of you guys ask my thoughts on long distance. Now, the reason I find that it's a grave waste of most people's time is because a lot of people

are using long distance in replacement of spending time with somebody. Long distance is fun and sexy because it's fantasy. All you get to do is fantasize about the future that you guys are going to have, but you don't actually have to live that future. You don't actually have to do anything to get to that future. You guys get to just talk about it all the time. And then what happens when that person, when you can't spend time with them, when they're not there? So then, of course, you're going to start getting into deeper conversations via text because when you replace spending time with someone with texting, all texting should be there is to plan the face times, to plan the dates, to plan the trips,

to say, hey, how are you, just thinking of you, miss you, can't wait to see you. But that's not your relationship. And so like long distance, who has the money to go back and forth? Who has the time and the resources to go back and forth? Who's moving? if you guys listen to episode, I think it was 31 with Lindsay. Her poor, she and her boyfriend live together. They're engaged. And what I'm my second boyfriend? It's her fiance.

And she was the first to say. She's like, we didn't text all the fucking time. She's like, when I met him, I never thought I was going to see him again. She's like, we hooked up and I thought, going, he was a hot Greek guy. Because when you release control the outcome and you're like, well, if this works, it works. And then every day you show up because you're living your fucking life. And this person's also choosing to live theirs. And you guys are making that happen.

But long distance can't be where it's like, well, I'm super anxious, but they didn't text me today. it's like, then I would not suggest being in a long distance relationship. Because, sure, I remember being in long distance and, like, they would text me in the morning and at night and it was like, but we had no depth to our relationship. There was no, we weren't actually getting to know each other. We weren't actually having FaceTime. We weren't spending time together. We weren't planning trips.

We weren't seeing each other. We weren't having phone calls. It was just texting. Texting cannot be your relationship. I mean, it can. If you enjoy that, then that's on you. But I personally want someone that I can actually rely on in human form and not in digital form. because I've wasted enough of my fucking resources

and time doing that. So someone asked, is a voice note better than texting? I know when I had Matthew Husseana, we talked about that. Here's my answer. Not always. So you can send one because I agreed. Text has no tone. But there are going to be a lot of people that fucking hate voice notes

because they feel pressure. They're like, I don't want to have to send one back. I don't want to talk into my phone. Ryan, I'll never forget. I sent him a voice note. And the first thing you wrote was, I will not be listening to this nor any future voice. voice notes. I hate voice notes. This is not my thing. Please call me. And I was like, fair. He's allowed to say that. So it's like, sure. If you have something important of like, hey, I, like, I'm so sorry. I'm not going to be able to make dinner. I wanted you to hear my intonation and my tonality. I'd love to call. I just want to call you out of nowhere. I just wanted to cancel this. I am so sorry. Please let me know your availability. And I want you to know how sincerely apologetic I am. I did not expect that this was going to happen. So thank you so much and like, let me know if you're free this week. Okay, cool. That I can understand. You're sending a voice note because you're like, hey,

don't want you to think I'm just like canceling versus we need to have a talk. So I'm to send a voice note and say, no, no, a lot of people don't resonate with that. I used to send videos before I'd match with before I met people because I'd be like, hey, it's me. I'm like, hey, here I am. Like, I'm going to watch my dog. Just wanted to like give you name face. Like, you're my tonality. You're my, my vocal, things like that. But at the end of the day, I just wanted to let you know, like, I'm excited to see you. And like, I have some friends, Masha and I, we voice out all the fucking time. And then some people that they will never voice note back. They'll just respond back. It's like everyone's different.

but I wouldn't say, oh, it's better or worse. It's like everyone's going to be different with that. Not everyone is going to want to voice note with you. All right. What stage of texting does sexing being, I'm okay? So here is my kind of not a rule, but guidelines, I would say. If you have never hooked up before and they already start sexting, if you have never met before, already I think we can all acknowledge that's inappropriate.

If you have never met before and someone's getting sexual with you, very little, very small chance of that becoming, oh, that's going to turn into a relationship. Now, that person's being pretty fucking clear off the bat. They already want to get sexual. I think after, like, a couple of dates, like, you can make some innuendos. You can definitely make some, like, you know, whatever. Like, God, I'm not going to say one, but like, let's say somebody was like, oh, yeah, I have a long tongue. And if I was just like, can't wait to see what that tongue does. It's like, okay, all right.

Like, if we've had a couple of dates, we've been like, or I know I've seen with that tongue does when we make out, excited to see the rest. It's like, if you've already had like a hot, steamy makeout and you're, I would say, sexed when you're ready to fuck, start incorporating sexy text when you're ready to actually implement that because otherwise, you're just going to feel uncomfortable the whole time. You're just going to constantly be like, oh, but I'm a woman, you know, show me respect. And it's like, if somebody is sexting and you don't feel ready, then don't do it. Ryan never did. He wasn't into sexting. He would, like, in you end as I would send him sexy photos, or I would make comments and he would make them back.

But he was just like, I'm not into it. And it's like, that wasn't because there was something wrong with me. That was just like not his thing. And I've had other guys were like off the bat. They're already going into like, oh, I'd love to grab that hair. Is it strong? And I was like, get fucked. Ah, boy, bye.

You don't have any fucking respect for me? No, thank you. So it's about like, look at your comfort level. If you're interested, if let's see you guys are having sexy talk and you're like, yeah, I want to fuck this person. It's like, okay, well, then sounds like, you guys are ready. But if you're not ready for that, then set the boundary of like, hey, this isn't appropriate. Like, I don't feel like I know you well enough to be engaging in

conversation like this. Follow your gut. There's no timeline. It's about when are you ready to fuck this person? That's when sexting can become because what you're doing is you're queuing up. Sexting is you're getting ready to do that. You're talking about the fantasies. Okay, when I see you, I'm going to implement all of that. So if you're not ready for that, then stop with the sexting. Don't do it because that's what the other person wants. If you're not comfortable with it, then you're only being inauthentic to yourself. It's a-okay. And like, obviously, if you've slept together after that, you could sex all you fucking want, who gives a shit, right? It's fun. It's sexy. It's flirty. But not to everybody agree. Not everybody likes it. And that's okay,

but it's about your comfort level. That's when I would say is time to start to look at that. Once you accept the fact that text isn't the major way of showing interest, what other ways should you? Okay, so this is kind of my issue. It's like, doesn't really sound like you've accepted it then, if that's your question. Because it's like, what do you mean? other ways can people show interest? Really? So again, 20 years ago, there was no texting. So that was it. People just had no way of showing interest. So spending time with you, calling you, facetiming you, asking you to lunch unexpectedly, having conversations of depth, wanting you to meet friends and family. That's how people show up for you. When you need something, if you call that person,

will they answer? If you text that person right now, I'm having an emergency, can I call you? Do you feel safe and comfortable that that person will show up for you. So if you're not look, this is where I'm like, okay, so if we're looking at the texting and the next question is how should text progress in early stages of dating? There is so much anxiety around this one fucking thing because this is that black and white thinking of, okay, well, so then once we're done with the early stages, like now what? And it's like, guess what? You could be in a relationship with this person. That person still might not want to text. And like, are you going to be okay with that? And that's okay. If you're like, no, I'm not. Well, so then I would not get into a

relationship with somebody if they don't want to at least have some kind of communication with you. But I would look at, you know, to me, once you're in a relationship, sure, then you can text every day. Hey, good morning, babe. How's your day going? What's on the dock today? Oh, my God, you're swamp today. Oh, me too. I have so many fucking things. Okay, well, I'll call you later. Perfect. All right. Ciao. Talk to you later. Then you go on with your fucking day. And then maybe if something funny happens and you're like, oh my God, look at this billboard I just saw. And you send that because you actually have something to say to this person. It's not just like, hey, I can't, oh, God, the amount of fucking text. I remember there was one guy I was, I hooked up with him. And when he left, I was like, I got hat fished.

He took his hat off and I was like, oh, my God, you were not only balding. It was bad. At least give me the option. I didn't know until the hat came off. And after we hooked up, I was like, I'm not into this guy. Like, hate to break it to you. Postnot clarity can happen for women, too. There were plenty of out. I'm like, no, thank you. Not into it. Wasn't that, I wasn't sure to begin with. And now I'm definitely not sure. Like, definitely sure I'm not. And he would just text me every day, hey, those it. And I remember once, I was like, I'll just do the same thing back. And I wrote, hey. And then 24 hours later, so, I wrote, what's up? And I wrote, what's up with you? 24 hours later, hey. And I was just like, okay, you know, one of us is going to die first before this ends.

And that's kind of my point of like, so what are you getting from that? The texting is not the end all, be all. And in the early stages of dating, the reason I think a lot of you guys want that text. And the reason I wanted it, I'll speak for myself, was because I wanted the safety and security. I didn't want to have to wonder if I was going to see this person again. I wanted to know that I was. I didn't want to have to wonder what this person. I wanted to know. I wanted definitive because that was my anxiety.

I couldn't sit in the unknown because as a child, the unknown meant danger. The unknown meant scary. Whereas an adult now, the unknown can also mean beauty and magic and growth happening and things that are happening under the surface. So if we can't grow a resilience and like I'm not saying that you can also, we can have two conflicting thoughts. You can say that it causes you anxiety and it makes you feel a little anxious. But that doesn't mean that it has to be their fucking problem or that they now have to start quelling your anxiety by just texting you more.

So it's like if we're talking early stages of like if you're saying that somebody is not showing up for you in other ways, it's like, well then even if they just showed up for you and text, I get clients every day. They're like, I'm so fucking tired of this guy. This person texts or this girl texts me every single day for the last three weeks. Good morning. And I don't see this person. I don't need this. So it's like we have to start to look. How else are people showing up for you?

And if all you have is texting, well, then I think that could be why you're looking. at is that's your source of safety. And when you, when you progress, it's like once you start to maybe have exclusivity, once you have that exclusivity conversation of like, hey, we went on 10 dates, I'm into you, you're into me, we've clearly established that. I'd love to stop dating other people. That's when you can be like, great, cool, how do you feel about texting? You know, like, can we have more conversations? Like, I'd love to, if I'm not going to be talking to anyone else and I'm only going to be dedicating my time to you, well, then that means that I also want to be able to have more phone calls, face times, like, whatever. Like, you could talk about that.

that's when I would say once you have exclusivity together, then you can start to be like, cool, I'd love to have more communication. Like, so that mean we're going to have revolving dates or that I'll see you more often. Like, if you're two people genuinely interested in growing a relationship, that's not a scary conversation to have. When it becomes a scary conversation of, gee, what do you try to get for me is when that person's not ready for what it is that you might say that you want. So I would say once you have like any kind of boundaries around your relationship, if you're like, hey, cool, we're only going to be fucking each other. We're not dating other people and we're just seeing each other. great, then that means I also want to have consistent, like, I want to be able to talk to you every day. Cool. Talk about it. And then see if that works for you guys. If the person's like, I could do that.

Yay, there you go. Now go have your relationship and go off and do your thing. And if not, great, have a conversation about it. It's not, that's what I mean. It's not black or white. It's not just, well, if they don't do this, then I'm out. It's like, yikes. If that's how everything in your life is, where's that flexibility? And it's going to be a lot of rigidity. Okay. How to detach from considering how fast they respond by being a lack of interest. So we have to start to say, in that space, we need to understand what the narrative is. So that's that space that I say that John Kim and I were talking about on the podcast when he was on, speed pump. So you need to give yourself that space between feeling to fucked. That's my sister's favorite line. But instead of, so if you have, if they didn't,

answer and then instantly it's, I knew that they didn't like me. It's like, so that's the narratives to start to understand. Well, where did that come from? How old do I feel when I say things like that? well I feel like a kid don't I because that reminds me a dad or my brother or my sister or a dynamic but that doesn't mean that that's actually something that this person's doing because and then the second thing is like okay what facts do I have to back up this entire narrative that I've created well they didn't answer me because they're lying and they must be another woman I don't have any facts to back that up that is mere speculation and if I went to a police right now they would laugh at me because they'd say you have no facts so that's when we have to start to look at like okay yeah this person could

also be working okay so just because they didn't answer we can hold two conflict thoughts. They could like me and also still not answer my text immediately. So we have to start to create space in other perspectives. Okay, what are some other options? Well, I do know that they work a crazy shift. Okay, that could also be why this person hasn't responded to me in six hours, because they work at the ER and they might have something going on. At the end of the day, we have to look. And then again, asking, what am I so scared of happening right now? Do you notice how when we don't get that, we attached, they don't like me because they haven't responded? And it's like, but then, but we have nothing else to back that up the contrary.

So if you're only looking at if they respond quick, then let me say like me. It's like, and so if they don't respond, that means they don't like me. It's like, but again, black and white thinking, well, where do I have facts to back that up? That just because they text me quick means that they want a relationship with me. They could also just be bored and have nothing else to do. So this is where I mean of like neuroplasticity and flexibility, incorporating new thoughts of like, oh, yeah, it could very well easily be that that person just doesn't resonate that way. Okay, you know what?

Here's a thing. I trust that no matter what I'll be okay. Because usually in that moment, what are we so scared? I'm scared that they're going to abandon me or I'm scared. They're going to leave me or I'm scared. They're going to forget about me. And it's like, so that's what you're scared of. That's what you're scared of.

That's why you want them to text you so you don't have to feel that feeling. So then maybe we need to lean into that of like, when do I remember feeling this? Where did I learn that from? And getting uncomfortable. That's how you start to grow a resilience and a resistance to, man, I haven't heard from them. It's okay. I'm going to be fine no matter what because I know I can take care of myself. and it's okay to co-regulate.

You can call it, friend. You can call your mom. You can call your parents. You can call anybody. You don't have to be alone in your room and be like, well, that's it. I have to figure this out. No, you just don't have to have them figure it out for you.

You don't have to reach out to them. But like, you can absolutely call a friend and be like, hey, man, like, I used to call my mom and be like, am I being ridiculous? And she'd be like, no, let's validate your emotions. But I think you're being a little anxious right now, Sab. I think you're taking this as, you know, this because you're scared of this.

And it was like, okay, I can handle that. that's all and I think we just need to debunk this doesn't mean that you need to be like stoic and feel nothing it's like that's not real that's numbing it's okay to acknowledge and be like wow this person didn't respond it felt like shit I have it where like even even sometimes my friends I'll respond and I'll be like yo dude you haven't responded to me in two days and then I'll go and they're like dude I didn't even fucking see it I'm so sorry and it's like it doesn't mean that it has to be about us and if we take the four agreements a book I love if we take everything fucking personal, you're going to live a real lonely sad life, babe.

Because very rarely are the people very rarely acted a way that really has anything to do with you. That's kind of a reality. A lot of things, we're a blip on a screen. I am my main character. I ain't a main character in most people's movies. And most people are not shit to me in my life. Like these trolls, think about it that way. These trolls make a comment.

I don't you remember what this woman's name was. From the beginning of this conversation, yeah, it might have bothered me. It was because they'd evoked a feeling in me. I don't fucking remember this person's name. I don't care enough because what do I give a shit about somebody who doesn't like me? I don't fucking like me. But it's the feeling that we're scared of feeling. So that is that space that we need to start to lean into.

Yeah, what am I so scared of happening? Okay, I'm scared they're never going to contact me. Well, let me feel that. Whoa, that feels like shit. But I'm still here. That's also one of the meditations in the course that I go over is like being able to sit in your emotions, being able to allow yourself. Masha and I went over that on one of the episodes.

It takes 90 seconds for an emotion tour and it's cool. course. Well, we have to actually give our body the time to allow it to run its course. So, all right, let's answer another couple of questions. So is it not a red flag? Is it not a red flag if they're not responsive to a text, but dates are incredible? So here's the red flag when there's such a disparage between the dates and then the not being on the dates. That's when I start to have to look and go, are you being honest with yourself. The dates are amazing. Oh my God, they're amazing. But they're not on hear from them for a week. It's like, well, there's a disconnect. Just because you have an amazing dates does not necessarily mean that that person wants a relationship with you. And then oftentimes,

the dates could be so amazing because they're there. And you're like, ooh, yay, they're here. They're not going to leave me. But if somebody is just, the dates are great, but they're not, they're responsive as text. Talk to them. Hey, do you want a relationship? Because when I'm with you, it feels like you're so with me. And then when I'm not, I feel like I never really hear from you. And that's really confusing to me. Because you've said that you want a relationship, but yet this behavior doesn't really feel like you do. Talk to these. Like, it's okay to call people out like that when you're on the next date of like, I love my time with you, but I don't like that. When I leave, I never know when I'm going to see you again or when I'm going to hear from you again.

That doesn't work for me. But then we have to really look of like, are they really just not responsive via tech? Or is this person just like, they use texting just to make plans? But when they're with you, they're really present and they want to get to know you and they're trying to spend more time with you. Talk about it. You know that you're allowed to, right? I want to hear your fucking voice.

And I think other people do. But it's about do you want to hear your own voice? Are you comfortable? I'll give you a fucking, whof. My therapist asked me a question the other day that really sent me on my head. And she said, do you actually believe that you're lovable? And I had to, I, of course, the initial response was, yes, of course I do. But I stopped and I stood and I said, I took a minute.

And I thought about all the versions of me, all those little girls that come out. And I finally stopped and I said, consciously I want to believe that I am. but I don't actually in my gut believe that I am. And when I unpacked it, it was because I'm scared that even Ryan's going to leave me once he finds me out. And it's like, find me out, find me out, what out? And this is me. But I'm always worried because, and that's valid. I am allowed to be worried about that because that was my father and my experience, my own caregiver.

The person that on paper is supposed to be by your side, no matter what, this person's never supposed to leave you. Those are the people that brought you into this world. that person didn't want to be around me. That person couldn't stand how I spoke. That person shut down when I'd become emotional or would hit me when I'd cry or would walk out or leave us. And that's the person that taught me

that I'm not very lovable because there's something wrong with me and that's why he can't love me fully because I'm causing him issues. Now, do I believe that? I think a part of me still does because I'm a human. And that's now 34 years

that I've had that going on in my head. And that's okay. And that's why I used to think that I had to get the texting because I didn't believe that I was actually lovable. And then when I started to actually say, I actually do think there are parts of me that people can love, I had to love those parts of me as well. And that meant I have anxiety.

Yeah, I like to text a lot. But that didn't mean that when Ryan set his boundary that I had to look and be, well, then you don't like me. And it's like, no, I was able to say, I might have anxiety, but I am very lovable. because this person is trying to, remember, when someone sets a boundary, they're trying to keep you in their life, not get you out of their life. And so when we really start to think about all of these anxieties that are coming up with texting, I want you to stop and really ask yourself, but what's at the core here? Do I genuinely believe that I'm lovable? do I genuinely believe that somebody can show up for me in the ways that I would need them to?

And if your answer is no, that's okay. You're not alone. But then that's where we start to look into. What parts of me do I not think are lovable? Because those are the parts that are trying to protect you right now. Those are the parts that are saying, text them again, get them to respond. Come on, we need the safety. We need the security. Because we're shying away from those parts of us. We're turning our backs to those parts of us and go, okay, well, can you validate me? without looking and saying, well, if I don't genuinely love myself authentically for who I am, and that means good and bad, like when I got that comment this morning of all of these negative things about me, hurt, and I got bummed, and I talked about it, and I went to my partner, and I said this really stung, but then I stopped and I said, but that shows about them, not me.

How could this be about me? You hate me so much that you have to make comments like that? Or maybe this person's dealing with her own stuff, and I can have compassion and hold space for them, and say you can stay away for me, but this isn't for you, but I don't have to internalize that there's something wrong with me. I don't have to make this about me because I do believe I'm lovable. I just don't think I'm lovable by everybody. I can handle that. So guys, I hope that this was helpful for you guys. I just, I was like, okay, I'll go off on some tangents, go off on some stories, but I think we really, if the texting is the predominant majority of issues in your relationship, I don't know that you're ready for a relationship.

And it's okay. It's okay to admit that. But you got a lot of bigger problems than just that that are coming your way. And that's okay, baby. I'm here to guide you. I want to help and support you guys. But we have to call out from the woodwork what the actual issues are. It's not about the texting. It's what that signifies and the pain that we want to avoid. And our brain will do anything to keep us safe, especially from those core wounds and painful memories that create. those hurtful moments and created those triggers. So I love you guys. Thank you for everything. Thank you for listening. Thank you for sitting with me. And thank you for letting me be me that you guys can continue to show up as you because I'll make that space for you guys all fucking day. And don't forget

to follow along on the socials. Chiming in. Let me know you think of the episodes. If you love them, cool. If you hate them, you can privately message me and let me know what you didn't like. But we also have to remember too that like everyone's going to have a different opinion. And that's totally okay. That doesn't mean we all have to internalize what other people think of us, but we can take some things and then leave the rest. That doesn't work for us. So, guys, I love you. And until next time,