The Sabrina Zohar Show - 82: Differences in Dating

Episode Date: June 21, 2024

Flying solo today, Sabrina sits down to chat about handling differences in dating, which involves open communication and understanding personal boundaries. Sabrina emphasizes the importance of discussing key topics early on, such as beliefs, future goals, and financial habits. She shares personal experiences to highlight that relationships often end due to incompatible needs rather than lack of love. It's crucial to focus on finding a partner whose core values align with yours rather than trying to change someone. Sabrina advises discussing lifestyle choices, like diet and alcohol, as well as family dynamics to ensure compatibility. By being true to yourself and addressing potential differences openly, you can build a genuine, long-term partnership based on mutual respect and understanding. Want to work with Sabrina? HERE! Join the Make It Make Sense: Getting Through a Breakup course HERE! Stuck After the Podcast? Master Implementation in 8 Weeks with Sabrina's Foundation Course Get Ad-free episodes and 2 Bonus episodes a month HERE! Dont forget to follow Sabrina and The Sabrina Zohar Show on instagram and Sabrina on Tik tok! Video now available on YOUTUBE!  Disclaimer: The Sabrina Zohar Show, formally known as Do The Work, is not affiliated with A.Z & associates LLC in any capacity Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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That's gofundme.com. Gofundme.com. Hello, hello. Hello and welcome to another episode of Do the Work Podcast. My name is Sabrina Zohar and I am your host. I love solo time. I'm not even going to lie to you guys. Sometimes I get anxious to do solos because I'm like, what am I going to talk about for this long?

And then I remember who the fuck I am. Of course I can find something to talk about for this long. Have you met me? So, guys, I'm really excited. I personally, I do love solo time and I have my phone only because it has my notes. I'm not on my phone. But I enjoy it because I love to reconnect with you guys. And I love to give like that personal journey and share my stories and really also help you guys really realize that like you are not alone on this journey.

Like there are other people going along with you. And it's totally okay to feel what you're feeling to experience all these things like that is why we're here together doing this is because we heal. We heal in the relationships. We hurt in relationships, right? And so I think it's really important for us to have this time together. So as always, guys, please don't forget to rate and review the show. I love every single person that has ever rated the show. And if you haven't already, that's okay.

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And I think we need to accept that, right? Except people for who they are and not who you want them to be. But if you like the content, I'm so here for it. And if it doesn't work for you, that's also okay. We are all adults that get to make choices. And I will respect your decision as long as you respect our community and just understand that you could just opt out. You don't have to make it a big fucking thing. So that's my soapbox and that's it.

So for today, guys, we're going to be talking about the differences in dating. So we're going to go political, religious, family, like all the differences. And I really wanted to get into it of like how to really navigate the waters in this area and these territories because like I've had it. I've been with partners where the families don't get along and it's really like Romeo and Juliet bullshit. And so we're going to dive in. So without further ado, let's get right on into it, shall we? Okay, babes. Welcome, welcome, welcome back, as if that intro was just so long.

But I'm so excited to be here with you guys. And yeah, I mean, listen, guys, if you don't like all the ads and things like that, you all have control over that. But if you're listening to this for free, thank you for supporting the show. and thank you for supporting our sponsors and allowing me to give you my messaging in the beginning because it's really important. Like, I'm going to be honest with you guys. Like, this is how I make my living. I only can do all of this and build this studio and do all this custom content and create all of these things for you guys. But we also need the support back. And so that's why we do ask for those reviews and say, if you love the podcast, $7 a month subscribes and it helps us to keep this going and it helps us to bring you more content.

So ask for what it is that you need, right? I don't expect that all of you do it. But I'll ask. for it. So just wanted to share that and thank you guys again for the support because this podcast, it allows me to show up authentically and so that you guys can as well. So I'm just fucking grateful. And today we're going to be talking about differences in dating. And so I did a poll and a good portion of you guys asked about kind of the same things, which was good. It helped me understand that we were on the right track, right? And I think when it comes to dating, there's so much taboo around like, don't say this, don't ask that, make sure you do this. And it's like, there's a lot of conflicting information. And so to me, I really wanted to, like, even the playing

field here and also just have like a pretty honest and realistic dialogue of like, off the bat, what are we scared of for asking people what it is that they want in life? Right. So I was actually watching this dokey series last night. There's a new one on ID channel. Shout out to all my ID girls. and I think it's called something like interweb you know something it's about like internet scary stories and it was this girl and she was a South Asian woman and I believe she was Pakistani I can't remember but she was something it was like a very specific like her religion her race her ethnicity like she wanted to date somebody within that you have every right to do that like everybody can have what I thought they want and she met this guy on

Tinder she was 22 he was 26 and she didn't really look further it was just oh he's the same religion as me. He's the same ethnicity. He's a doctor. Okay, we're good. Everything was long distance. And so everything was fantasy. They would only go on trips together. And they were doing that. And so they got married and they had this big celebration and the same religion. And there was a lot of drama at the wedding, which is always like, oh, yikes. Like, that's the first sign, right? And long story, medium, if I'm not mistaken, I think the guy ended up murdering her. But he had all these crazy mental health issues and he was like super abusive. And he was all. But she didn't know. And he was. But she didn't know. of that until they moved in together and until she started to see him day to day. He alienated her

from her friends. He was like, he was constantly battling a suicide ideation. He almost killed the two of that. He almost grabbed her off the balcony when he wanted to jump, like some serious shit. And the reason I'm talking about this isn't just because I love my ID channel stories, but it's to share that like, yes, is the same religion and the same. All of those things are important. But that's not all that's important, right? Like, This poor girl went after what she thought was like, oh, well, my family says I should be doing this, right? Like everyone else is telling me I need to marry somebody of this faith or this religion, whatever. Ethnicity, it doesn't really fucking matter.

And so, okay, so, and I have to do that too. And what I would like to kind of extract from here is really understanding before we go out and ask people what it is that they want and stuff like that, we have to understand ourselves. And so somebody had even asked a question of like how, like, if you have different. political views. How do you handle that in a relationship? You know, especially like if, you know, we're okay for now and it's like even off the bat, what I would really suggest for everybody is when we're talking about, like I have on my list here, we have money, politics, religion, drug and alcohol use, dietary, and family dynamics. And those are like kind of the bigger, you know, those are the ones that are really going to cause kind of a lot of issues in a relationship.

And what I would first start to do is like, get very clear on what are your. we're non-negotiables, right? So if you're non-negotiable is your religion, whatever it is. Like, on this show, I don't ever, that's why I do not talk about my race, my religion, or my ethnicity, because it's not, we're talking about dating and relationship and love and anxiety and all of those things. It's not my place to push my ideology onto anybody else. But it's really important for me to clarify that, like, it's important, if it's important to you, it should be important to your partner. And so like, TECA and I, Yeah, we might have a little bit of opposite views when it comes to politics. But you better believe off the bat. I asked everything because to me, I was like, I remember what happened during COVID. I remember how divisive that was. Like you were either on this side or you were on this side. And if you weren't on this side, you were getting canceled. And it's like, we're in a really fucked up time. Just the last like 10 years where if you say something someone doesn't like, that's it. You're canceled. Well, we don't like you. Block list. And it's like. So no one's allowed to have a.

opinion. It has to be like one way or the highway. And it's like that's okay if that's the life that you want to live of like, hey, I only want to surround myself with people like that. Like again, what's really important though is understanding yourself, understanding what are your boundaries and non-negotiables. So when it came to the political stuff that me and tech I have, it's not a non-negotiable the differences that we have. But then where we are similar are the non-negotiables. So like it doesn't really matter what side of the spectrum that you fall on. respect every single person here because you're entitled to your own thoughts and opinions. So wherever you are on that map, let's say, you know, whether you're Democrat, Republican, middle,

conservative, it doesn't really matter, right? If you're somebody who's like, it doesn't really matter to me, I don't give a shit about any of this. Like, that's irrelevant to me. Cool. Great. So then that means that your partner can be somebody if they're like, hey, I'm super conservative or I'm super liberal, whatever it is. Like, I'm super this. And if you're like, okay, talk to me more about like what are your ideologies. Oh, okay. Yeah, I believe in that. Like, I agree with that. What do you think this? Okay, yep, I agree with that. That's where we have to kind of understand ourselves more than it's really about the other person at this time. Because if you're entering in, let's say if religion is a non-negotiable for you, okay, well then if you're like somebody had even

written in like, I'm an Indian woman and I'm dating an American guy. Should I even be dating him? And it's like, why are you asking me permission for whatever you want to do? I am, me and tech guy are two different religions, race, ethnicities, everything. But where it works out is, like I say, the Venn diagram overlaps. And when the Venn diagram overlaps, it overlaps in the important things. We have two very different personalities and two very different types of people. But when they start to overlap, it's like, oh, we have similarities. Okay, we have the same ethos, morals, and ethics.

We understand in the grand scheme of things how we would operate. You know, it's like if he were so polarizing and we had like, I mean, think about COVID in 2020. Like if one person were super like, I'm going to get vaccinated and everything is vaccines and everything is this and I'm going to stay inside and I'm going to live in a bubble and I don't trust it. And then the other person's like totally the opposite and it's like I'm going to go out and make out with somebody in the street right now. I'm being obviously very polarizing when I say things like this. But if those are going to be differences, well then it's like that's a difference in compatibility. Because like I always think, okay, if it happened again, would you guys be able to navigate this? And so that's why we ask these questions of, okay, what are your political views? What are your religious views? And somebody asked like, how soon do you ask this? I ask that on the first date. Why do I have any interest in going on a second date with you if I find out that we are on completely opposite sides? Or if that I've dated people before that are like, I'm Catholic and I can only date another Catholic person. And I'm like, okay, well, that's not me. So what are we doing here? Right? It's like, again, if that's a non-negotiable where you cannot

pass go. You cannot collect your $200. You cannot move on with this person unless you guys are in agreement of things. Well, then right there, you're not compatible. And that's where we have to understand these differences that we have with people. When does it start to become a like, oh, that's cute. Opposites attract, right? Versus, you guys don't agree. You don't see eye to eye. You're not on the same page about things. You're constantly fighting about these things. Or one person doesn't want to say anything because the other person's on eggshells. Like, this is where we have to then kind of stop and be like, wait, what am I doing? Right?

What am I doing dating somebody hoping that they're going to become this version of a person that I want them to be versus understanding like people are who they are? Sure, can people change? It takes a lot. Like, it takes a lot to change. I know it because it took me a lot to change. And it still, every day, I have to make decisions of, am I going to choose, am I going to choose violence today? Like, am I going to choose to go back into my old ways?

Or am I going to make a change and really stick with that? So when it comes to even dating and dealing with these differences, we have to assess what are your non-negotiables, right? So even like take a second now for anyone who's listening to stop and think of like, what are my political views? What are my religious views? What are my ethnic views? What are my non-negotiables and all of those things? And the reason I say to talk about that first or second date is again, it's like if somebody is completely polarizing and totally different and you go on and you're like, okay, I don't agree with any. this person says. Like, I think this is all ridiculous. They listen to this bullshit news. Like,

I'm sorry, I can't give in to on this. It's like, okay, well, then that person's not for you. It's not your place to come in and be like, oh, let me change them. Let me go and I'm going to make them see things in my way. It's like, how'd that work with your parents? It's exhausting. It's exhausting to date somebody where you feel like they want to change every aspect of you. And so when it comes to these really important aspects of life, like politics and religion and race, and ethnicities and all of those things. It's like, we have to be a little bit more strategic. Because at the end of the day, like, another aspect here is even when we're talking about, like, women with a biological clock, you know, and the reason I get so specific, it's like, listen,

when you're in 22, yeah, fine, I don't give a shit. Go and have your fun. You're like, whatever. Your prefrontal cortex isn't even fucking fully developed. So you're kind of looking at this being like, ah, yolo, whatever, nothing bad happens, I'll be fine. Then you start to date your late 20s, early 30s, into your 30s, like, I'm talking really just for the people listening, the women that want to have a family. You know, I'm not talking about if you're in your 40s, you already have a family and you're in menopause. It's like, okay, well, this part of the show does not apply to you. But really specifically, if you are somebody that's like, I want children, I want marriage, I want kids, I want a family, I want the white picket fence, I want all of that. What are you doing wasting your time by dating people that are like, oh, I don't know that I want that?

because it's not that I'm being sexist when I say like, hey, we have a clock. It's like, that's called biology. And I don't really care how you identify that shit that hasn't changed in like hundreds of years is how our bodies work and the biology that at a certain time a woman cannot have a child. That's just, it's basic evolution. And so when we're looking at things like that, for me, I personally, I don't know that I want kids. And this is like this is part of these differences. I am not sure that I want children. I'm pretty clear about like I could be good without.

I'm good with good without. I don't know that it's really for me. And so when I met tech, I the first thing I said on the date was I was like, do you want marriage and kids? And he was like, you know, I definitely want to get married. And I was like, okay, same. Like glad we're on the same page about that. And then I was like, okay. And then I went further.

Like, what does that mean to you? Like I dated a guy in Venice a few years ago. And he told me that marriage to him means that we both have our own homes. that neither one of us really sleeps at the other person's place. And I was like, okay, that doesn't work for me. There are people that that will work for. I don't need to add my judgment around it and be like, you're ridiculous. That's silly. It's like, that's what works for this person. And like, I think he has a girlfriend now and like, that's what works for them. And it's like, good for them. I'm fucking stoked that that aspect works for them. It was the same when I told him, I would never forget.

It was our second date. And we were like hanging out. And I remember just saying like, oh, you know, one thing. Because like he was pretty good with the texting and stuff at first. And I remember saying like, oh, yeah, one thing I can't handle is like somebody that doesn't text me every day. And that's when he looked at me and he was like, I don't know if this is going to work. And I was like, what? And he was like, that was just being honest with each other of like, okay, so you don't, he didn't want any more kids. Like, he already had one. He was wanting the different homes.

And he, again, it's not that there was something wrong with him. I didn't need him to change for me. And he tried. Poor guy, like, really tried to do the texting thing. And like, I would just get his one pathetic text a day where I was like, it's so obvious you don't want to do this. And it was so clear like, this was. resonating with him, but he liked me and he was just like, all right, like, I'll try it. And I think like a week later, I remember just telling him like, hey, it's okay. Like, I don't think

that we're right for each other. I really like you and I think you're an amazing person, but both of us want such different things in life and both of us see marriage so differently. Both of us see the way we want to live differently. Both of us to see the way we want to live differently that I don't think, it doesn't matter how much I like this person. At the end of the day, neither one of our needs are going to be met. And that's like, that's really something that we need to kind of pause on for a second. Most people don't break up because there's a lack of love. Most people break up because their needs aren't being met. Have you ever noticed how it's like, that's that two conflicting thoughts? I can love you, but I can also know that this isn't working for me.

My ex, I loved him. He was an amazing human being. I have nothing negative to say about this ex from a few years ago from 2016. Such an amazing guy. My family loved him, but my family loved him, but they also knew he wasn't right for me. And like that again, two conflicting thoughts. And he was fantastic. And it's like, when we broke up, I remember looking at him saying, this isn't working. And he looked at me and said, I agree. And we cried and he packed his stuff. And I remember saying goodbye. And then like four days later, we got lunch and we were fine because as much as I thought he was an amazing person, my needs were not met with him. I was not satisfied. Sexually, I wasn't satisfied. He was drinking every night, two to three bottles of wine did not work for me. He and I, like, we just saw things

differently. Like he wanted to move to the Midwest and kind of live in a house in the middle of nowhere. And I was like, that does, that's not what I want. He did not want to have children. He was in his 40s and I was like, hey, again, not what I want. And it's just, it's not that we didn't have a beautiful relationship. And it's not that I didn't love him and think that he's an amazing person. But I knew long term, I wasn't going to be satisfied. And I knew long term that my needs just weren't going to be met. And him letting me go and me letting him go, both of us making this mutual decision, and allowed both of us to move on with our lives and find the right people for us. So I think it's important to be able to differentiate and to take a second to say, like,

you can love someone and you can also know that those people aren't good for you. You can care about somebody and also acknowledge, yeah, I think you're great. That doesn't mean that you're great for me. You know, like think about when you go look for a house, right, or you go look for an apartment. Just because you imagine walking into an apartment and this person's like, yeah, you're like, yeah, it's nice. Just doesn't really quite work for what I need. And they're like, well, we'll change everything. And you're like, no, no, no, you don't need to like knock down walls.

Like, I'm telling you right now this isn't going to work for me. Well, what if we did this? But why isn't this good enough? Why don't you like this? And it's like, I'm telling you this doesn't fucking work for me, right? Like, this isn't, this isn't more of a conversation. And I think that's the hardest part about dating is a lot of people think. But if I'm this, like, I'm this.

Like, I'm one of my clients. And she's like, I understand. You know, if I'm so this to him, why wouldn't he change? And I asked her point blank, are you changing? And she was like, she's like, she laughed. And she's like, no. And I was like, thank you. Like, that's it.

End of story. It's so easy when we're dating to make other people the villain so that we feel like we didn't do anything wrong. Think about being a child. Your sister hits you. Your brother hits you. And you're like, I didn't do anything. I swear, because you don't want to get into trouble. And then when you see your sibling do it, you're like, yeah, yeah, suck it.

Right? You deserved it. Versus like now being like, yeah, okay, I can make an acknowledgement that like, I'm not going to be changing. You're not going to be changing. So let's see, does it work for now? Change to a certain extent of evolution is fine. growth and evolving as a person. But fundamentally at your core, am I changing my religion, my race, my ethnicity? Like, no, there are certain things that are just not going to change. And that's

why we need to be able to have that space for, yes, do all opposites attract. Again, the Venn diagram. You can't be so polar opposite and have such grave differences that you then feel like your parting sees. Because like, we were talking about kids. When it comes to that aspect, like that was the first thing I asked people. Because I met. guys that were like, yo, I want a baby mama tomorrow. I want a family. I want the, I want to do all of this. And I was like, no thanks. Hey, I think you're fantastic. I was like, I don't want to waste your time or mine. Because when you waste a part of some, when you waste someone's time, you waste a part of their life. And I think, let me say that again. When you waste someone's time, you waste a part of

their life. And you're doing that to yourself as well. You're doing that to yourself when you go out on dates and you don't ask questions of depth. When you go on one, two, three, five, seven, 15, fucking six years of dates. And then all of a sudden it's, we got, we are serious, we got engaged. And then I found out that this person doesn't want kids. And it's like, yeah, where have you been? How are we not having these conversations off the bat to at least make sure that we are on the same page about the kind of life that we want to live? What is the future we'd like to have? How do we want a parent? What does that look like? Do we agree? Do we want our kid to go to private school or public school? Do we agree on this about children? Like, and I think that's the issue. Not enough people are

having these fucking conversations. Not enough people are really getting in there. And then we wonder why such a high divorce rate, it's like, yeah, because people don't really stop to actually get to know somebody. They just like, oh, I'm being chosen. Oh, this person's there. Oh, they check some boxes. Look, see, this person's, as that girl said, 6-5, finance, blue eyes, trust fund. And it's like, okay, well, when you go after a list like that, let me know how your relationships are. When you go after a list that's so shallow of, oh, they're the same religion as me. It's like, that's it. That's all it So that's it? Then do you want to be that girl on the dokey series that I just watch that gets murdered?

And it's like, again, you do whatever the fuck you want to do. But this is where I go to be like, that's why I challenge you guys and be like, okay. So that's what matters. And if you're like, no, that's not what matters. It's like, okay. So then let's get down to the bottom of it. And when it comes to the religion and the politics, the religion specifically is usually something that ain't changing.

All right. Politics can change. I've changed over the years. I used to think one thing and now I think something else. now I think everyone's fucking insane. So here we are. But I think when it comes to like ethnicity, religion, where you're from, it's like, those ain't changing. That's not changing. It's just not. So instead of us trying to force that, like for everybody that writes in saying, well, I'm an Indian person dating this, it's like, if you're okay dating an American person, then stop asking other people for permission to do that.

But if you know in your heart of hearts that you're not going to bring that person home because you don't want to deal with your family's repercussions and that whole shmigeggi, then cut that shit loose and stop trying to fucking kid yourself that it's fine, I'll deal with this in the future. You waste someone's time, you waste a part of their life and you're doing that to yourself as well. I say this is so much love. Now let's talk about the elephant in the room, the money conversation. I get this every day of like, well, I want somebody that's already established and I want someone that has their career. And it's like, okay, you have every right to want those things. But here's the other side of it. You don't think that can change? Okay. Okay. Here's a perspective. When I met tech guy, I was running

software plug, shameless plugs, so wear software.com, 20% off using code do the work. That's my baby. That's my clothing line. And I was supposed to be on Shark Tank. And like, I thought that was my life. And then Shark Tank sent me home and my entire life crumbled and I was like, I'm fucking done. And then Clem passed away a month later. I was just like, I literally didn't know which way was up. I did not have any money. I could barely pay the fees for my new apartment when I was moving. Like I talked about taking from Peter to pay Paul. Like, thank God in California at the time. Like, there are a lot easier to get an apartment than in New York where you have to like practically give your first board to get an apartment.

And shout out to my New Yorkers who understand what I'm saying when I say that. And here it's just like, Bobby, you have good credit. You're good. And I was like, oh, okay. But when I met tech guy had his six-figure job and he was super cushy working in tech and living his beautiful life. And I was broke as fuck trying to figure out which way was up and how I was going to do all of this. And then I started my TikTok being like, all right, maybe there's other people out there that feel like this. And when he and I first met, like, I wasn't making money off of this.

I was only had my private clients on the back, but I wasn't like, it wasn't the business I have now. And when we first started dating, like, what he loved about me was I was driven. What he loved about me wasn't that, oh, she has all of her stuff figured out. And I didn't, what I loved about him wasn't that, oh, well, he's just super successful. It was like, no, no, no. What I loved was, I was like, he takes care of himself. He understands what's important. He knows where to spend his money, even though we're both, we're both frugal.

Both of us came from households and childhoods and things like that where we did not know if money was going to be there. We did not know that there was a guarantee that this person was going to take care of us. Both of us have lived in major cities where we barely had enough money to buy food sometimes, where rent was even where you're like, I don't even know how I'm going to pay for this. So we both know how to live lean in the ways that we need to. But we also both can splurge and we know where to spend money. So it was like that was where it made sense. We started to overlap.

But for me, I wasn't looking for I need the guy that's going to be a millionaire. because I had dated those guys. And I was like, yeah, and they're still unfaithful and they're still and they're doing all their shit. I was like, okay. What I wanted was I wanted someone driven. I wanted somebody that when even if something happens, they know how to get back up. And that's why tech guy loved about me was like, he's like, you can literally, you create something out of nothing. Like I created software from nothing. I created do the work from nothing. And he's like, I think it's really cool. Fast forward a year and a half. We now both work for my company. Ryan, tech guy was really, he was fired from his company after four months of us dating,

went unemployed for most of the year because tech got fucked, tech got, tech got thrown on its head. And the reason I share this story is because it's like, it's not about like, oh, see, now I'm the breadwinner. It's like, no, no, no, my company is now taking care of both of us because we both work for this and we both now. Because at the end of the day, it's not that I needed somebody that was like, oh, he's all done, signed, sealed delivered. I get that because you can lose everything. There's even 90-day fiancé, I think it's the tropical one. I've not mistaken, there's so many that I watch. And on the episode, there's the couple in Columbia, and he goes and finally tells her like,

Miamore, I lost my job. And she's like, what do you mean you lost your job? And he's like, I don't have the money. Like, I can't do the trips. And now they're both freaking out because he doesn't have any fucking money. And it's like, well, isn't that funny? Because now she's dependent on him. And she's like, how am I going to pay my bills?

And how am I going to pay for all this? You said you were going to take care of me. And it's like, that's like, that's what I mean by stop looking for somebody that's like, oh, there's the wealthy person. It's like, just because someone's wealthy doesn't mean that they're, They can't lose everything. What I look for is what's your drive? When you lose everything, what do you do?

When you're squeezed to the point where you're like, I don't know what I'm doing, what do you do? What choice do you make then? That's what's sexy to me. That's where I can say, dude, no matter what we can fucking make it through. And so I think we need to, like, I feel like this provider mentality thing that has happened now. Like, I love my girls and don't get me wrong, like my father was the provider of

the house and maybe I'm jaded. Maybe because I came from an abusive household where my father used money to control all of us. My mom could never leave. And I've seen that with my aunts. I've seen that with my friends. I see that with my clients that I have now. Maybe I'm jaded. And I know that there are people this works out for.

But I feel like we're trying to go back like 5,000 years. I feel like we're trying to bring ourselves back to 1940 of, you know, like that's why that though I did an article for the independent. And she asked this, you know, six five, five, blue eyes, whatever, that girl. And she was like, what do you think about that? And I said, it's entitlement. Could you imagine if a guy made that video? If a guy made a video of like, I want a woman that's five, six. seven, petite, thin, does Pilates. We would go crazy. But yet, girls want, he has to be

six, five, blue eyes, tall, trust fund, work in finance. And it's like, so you don't give a shit who this person is. You don't care anything. So they just have to work in finance, which, as again, if you live in New York or if you're from New York, you're going to understand what I mean by like, the finance bros are the ones that we ran away from. Like, anytime I'd be like, oh, there's your Patagonia vest. Let me guess you live in Wall Street. Like, those are the guys that we were like, no thanks, dude, you're fucking Murray Hill. You live like a dime a dozen. But then now all of a sudden it's like, I start to feel like now this next generation wants like, I don't want to have to work. I don't want to do anything. I want to be taken care of. I don't want to

do it. It's too hard. And it's like, but what happened? I thought as women, we were like empowering ourselves. I thought that was the whole point of all this was like, I can take care of myself as well and I can do what I need to do. Like, it's nice if you want to buy me something, but like I don't need it. It's just I want. It's not a need. And again, I'm not going to shit on anybody here that's like, no, I want someone to take care of me. It's like, okay, choose your own adventure, but just know that nothing in life is free. You're going to pay and somehow. Like, think about back in the 1950s, the reason women slept with men after a date was because that was the transaction, was the men takes them out, women could not buy it, the women couldn't vote, women couldn't pay for themselves,

women didn't have credit cards, women didn't have control of the finances. Women were cooking and cleaning and taking care of the family and subservient and submissive, like, welcome to the 50s. And then all of a sudden, we went through this liberation. and women found empowerment and women could go vote and work and be in the force. And now all of a sudden we want to take all that away. We want to go backwards. Again, it's like, find a partner. Find an equal.

You don't need a fucking parent. You don't need someone that like, okay, so this person took you out to dinner and then you guys split it. It's like, sure, is that shitty on a first date? Absolutely. But is that the reason I'm not going to go on a second date? Absolutely not. Unless there was so many things about this person I didn't like, that's why I wouldn't

go on the second date. because I've had plenty of dudes. I can't tell you how many wealthy guys I've had that will whine and dine me fucking all day long. But where are they emotionally? Where are their heart? Where's their soul? They don't want to deal with anything. They don't want to talk about feelings.

They just want, hey, well, I pay for you. And again, I'm not saying that these, oh, you can find someone that has it all. It's like, but we have to be realistic about what it is that you're looking for. And so when it comes to the finance conversation, like, for me, what I asked tech guy was, I was like, how much debt do you have? I need to know, are you responsible with your money? And if he were to tell me I have half a million dollars in debt, I'd be running the other way. But he was like, oh, I've got no debt. I pay my credit cards off when I get them. I, all my student loans are paid off. My car is paid off. He was like, I have no debt. I just, I live within my means. And I was like, that is so fucking hot because

that's how I live. I have zero debt. I have paid everything off. I do not live outside of my means. Like, it's just, I don't see a point, right? I don't need to live off credit. And like, again, everyone is entitled to their life. But we have to start to look at like, what are the important things to ask about, yeah, how much debt do you have? Do you have a savings? Do you have a 401? Do you believe, do we want to have a retirement fund? Where do you want to live? Okay, how are we going to finance that? Are we going to both work? Okay, if we have children, oh, is one person going to stay home? Are we going to get a nanny? Are we both going to be working? Like, have these conversations because this is part of life. Now again, you don't have to have that specific conversation on

the first date. Those are the financial conversations. It's like, that comes once you're exclusive to me. I wouldn't be telling somebody my financial situation on a third date. I wouldn't be like, you don't need to fuck. It's not your fucking problem. But if you're going to start to take someone seriously after like a couple of months of dating, that tonight would start to be like, hey, listen, these are important questions to me that I would like to have answered and I'm happy to share with mine. I don't need to see your bank statements, but I'd like to know the following. And again, and I'm sure people are going to be like, oh, people can lie. And it's like, listen, dude, if you're going to go into every single thing that people are going to lie to you,

God, your life must be exhausting. So we have to also understand that like you're going to do due diligence before you sign a fucking document that's legally binding you guys. And again, that's the issue. 90-day fiance. There's this one couple, the guy from Ecuador and the girl from Rochester. Ashley, Ashley, is that her name? I can't fucking stand this couple. Miguel, he is so misogynistic and so narcissistic. He gaslights this girl, left, right, and center, and she just like makes excuses for everything because they have good sex. But they went to the lawyer and she was like, you know, I think he's using for me for money. And they're married. This is a postnump. And then the guy was like, he asked, the lawyer said, well, how much debt do you have? And she was like,

$100,000. And the guy freaks out and he's like, what do you mean? He's like, I don't need to be responsible for that. And he's like, I'm in danger now. And it's like, you guys didn't talk about this. You wouldn't involve the government. And you didn't discuss finances, children, marriage, how much debt you have? How do you want to spend your money? Do you have a savings account? Like, none of this was discussed. That's what I mean by we have to be responsible with the way that we kind of operate. And so, like, if I know that I'm a shopaholic, then I'm going to tell my partner, hey, I'm going to need your help.

Like, I have my best friend. Her brother takes care of her finances because she's like, I'm not responsible. She's like, I can't. Like, I need somebody. Her brother helps her allocate. She knows exactly how much she can spend because that's just her journey. And like, that's okay. There's no shame.

I've never blame or shame her. It's like, actually, thank you for being responsible. You found the right person to help you with this. So I think when it comes to the finances thing, it's like, it's okay. So it's not the end of the world. if one person makes more money than the other. But it's about an understanding of like, okay, are we going to have split bank accounts? Are we going to do joint? You know, okay, if you lose your job or if I get pregnant, like, what are we going to do here? Who's going to take care of the other

person? Because if you're going to jump ship, if this person loses their money, it's like, well, then what the fuck are you dating this person for besides their money? And so that's where it's like, I get it. And I'm not saying, go date somebody that just got out of prison. Like, it's not about letting go. Like, even me. I never dated specific types of careers because I, knew I wasn't going to get the life that I wanted if that person was in that career. It goes both ways, not just working as like a fucking bartender, but like also this pendulum swung of like, I didn't want to date a bagillionaire who was super. Like that came with a life that I was like, I'm not interested in that.

I'm not interested. I mean, fucking I love one of my closest friends. I'm not going to say her name in case she doesn't want me to share this detail about her. But she married really wealthy. And the first thing she said she was like, you don't get any of that fucking money. She's like, none of that is accessible. When you marry like crazy old money, all of that is tied up. There's no liquidity.

You don't get cash. You don't just go to the ATM and pull out a million dollars. It's like they wanted a house. The parents got them the house. You want a car? You have to ask for them. They buy you the car because the accountant does it. Like that's where I say like both sides of the spectrum didn't work for me because I

was very clear in the life that I want to live and I'm very okay with doing that for myself because for me, I'm okay being financially on my own. I'm okay taking care of myself. I would love to have a partner that can. do that with me. Don't get me wrong every day. I'm like, man, it would be nice to have dual income house where if I wasn't bringing in money, I know that you're okay. But we don't have that opportunity right now. My business is the sole breadwinner. And so again, like, we just have to start to look at what matters to you. You see how that's my personal journey? I would never

say that you guys all need to have that same thought process, but that's what works for me. But I've taken the time to investigate what works for me. I've taken the opportunities. It's the same. One of my clients, dietary. Let's even talk about that. One of my clients is vegan. He doesn't want to date anyone that's not vegan. He was like, I've done it. I've been there. And like, okay, you have again, every right to say, I need somebody that I'm vehemently against animal products. So then you're not going to date someone who's a hunter, right? Like, it's just we have to be realistic of like what matters to you. It's the same, like diet. And then somebody actually asked about drug and alcohol use. Same thing. For me, I don't drink. And not because of, I know, it's not like, oh,

oh god, if I see a drink, oh my God, I'm not going to be able to handle it. It's like, I just don't like alcohol. It's not my thing. It's not my vice. I don't like how I get. I don't like how people get. I've dated that before. It didn't work for me. So it's okay if somebody has like, or whereas I like, I smoke weed. It's fucking legal in California. It helps with my anxiety. I have dated people that got uncomfortable with the fact that I didn't drink. And they were said, they were like, I feel, uncomfortable. Like, I want to have a cocktail and you don't. I'm like, okay, I'm not judging you. And they're like, yeah, but I'm judging me. And it's like, okay, well, that's a you thing. And they felt uncomfortable. So if it doesn't work for you, I will not, me personally, I won't date a cigarette

smoker. I was a smoker for five years. My father smoked ever since I was a child. I gave that shit up. It's not something I want to be around. Secondhand smoke. I hate the smell. That doesn't mean that there's something wrong with this person for smoking a cigarette. That just means that for me, it's too triggering. I don't want it. It doesn't work for me. And it's something that I think we have to be okay with taking up space on. If you want somebody that doesn't do drugs, that's okay. Hold on to that. You want someone that's not a big drinker? That's okay. Lead with that. That's how I would. I'd be like, hey, I'm not a really big drinker. You want to go do this. Some guys would be like, no, I don't. I love drinking. And I'm like, okay. Well, we're not for each other. That's cool. So I think it's like, I think

sometimes when people will write in, they want me to give this like, how can I do both, right? How can I, how can I care a lot about this? But then get somebody else to care about it. And it's like, well, that's the problem. Imagine if they put the shoe on the other foot. Imagine if this person came to and was like, cool, you don't care about drinking. Well, I'd like to make you care about drinking. I'd like to get you into coming out to bars with me. And you're like, yeah, but that's not what I want. So then what that's disrespectful or for either person to try to change the other one so

drastically. That's where, again, where differences become too great to where there is, the Venn diagram is not overlapping. When there's too much of a difference and they're not ever going to have that moment of like an eclipse, well, then what are you going to do? And it's like, you know, kind of the last thing. Even with kids, somebody had asked, like, he was sure he wants kids and I'm unsure what to do. It's like, be honest about that.

Let that partner know, I'm not sure. And if this is a deal breaker for you because you're 100% definitive and you want kids in the next five years, then I suggest to find someone else. I would encourage you. I've told guys that before. I'm like, I don't want children anytime soon. If I do, it's when I was like 25. I'd be like, if it's not, it's not going to be for another 10 years. And they were like, okay.

And some of them have like four kids now. And it's like, that's not the life I wanted. I'm going to be honest. As much as I think these people are fucking amazing human beings, I didn't want that. I wanted my experiences. I had my experiences. That's what worked for me. And I'm satisfied with my life.

Like to me, if I wasn't going to have a kid at like 20, I wasn't going to just randomly do it. You know, if I wasn't going to have a young kid, I was like, all right, I want to be prepared for this. You're allowed to think that. But so are other people. Other people are also allowed to have their opinions and things. That doesn't mean that you need to change them and that there's something wrong with you or that it just means that you guys just aren't compatible. So start talking about the shit early. Start out. It doesn't mean that you need to get into a debate. But like during COVID, I was the first, I'd be like, hey, let's talk about like some pretty

basic things off the bat. And then that way, because there would be guys that would fight me on dates. And I'd be like, okay, well, I'm really glad I asked because this doesn't seem like it's working. So the last thing that someone had asked about was navigating the family dynamics. family dynamics are hard. And there is an element of reality that like you and your partner, like my mama's been famous to me for years. She was always said she was like, when you meet your partner, she's like, you guys are going to start your own family.

You're going to be starting your own family. You're going to be starting your own thing. And she was like, and I don't expect that you're always going to agree with what you guys were taught as children. And when Tekai and I became like got together, we were very clear on like, we're a unit. You know, like I, I've dated mama's boys. I've dated guys that I was like, hey, I. I think you're still attached to the nipple.

You might want to remove your mouth. And it's like, and it didn't work. And it didn't work for the obvious that like I was not going to be somebody to be like, hey, you need to hang out with your family less. And you need because then you become the, this person's alienating me from my family. Whereas like tech guy and I, we both have opinions on each other's family. We don't share those all that often because it's inappropriate. I might tell him how I feel about my mom, my sister, my brother, my dad and share an experience.

And he might say, yeah, you know, I get that. And if I say, what are your thoughts on it? Then he'll share and he'll be like, well, here's my opinion on it. He's not just going to outwardly be like, hey, by the way, you're doing this. Because then I'd get defensive and be like, you don't fucking know. You don't know my fan. It's not my place. And so when I had my ex, my ex and I, his mother was in our relationship.

I don't know if I've ever told you guys. But like my ex and I, we dated for like three months. And then he broke up with me via text telling me he couldn't do it. This was the ex that this was the narcissist. So it was my father. He couldn't do it. And I'm sorry. And I can't do it.

And then he got a girlfriend two weeks later. And I was a fucking wreck. I was a mess. I, that was when I started therapy. I told my mom and I was like, something's wrong. I was like, I can't all, this keeps happening. And sure enough, like, what, five months, four months later, I saw him on Bumble. And I DMed him just being like, hey, I think someone took your profile.

Because like three days prior, he had a photo with him and the girl. And I was like, hey, I think someone's using your shit. He was like a bigger person like in the industry that we were in. So I was like, it wouldn't be shocking that somebody would use it. He was adorable and like attractive. So I was like, okay. And he wrote back and he was like, not an accident, which way did you swipe? And I said, I guess we'll find out.

And then we matched. And that's how we started. And when we matched, we started chatting again and he was unsure and hot and cold. And I don't know. And then he went away and his mom started to text me. I'll never forget the first DM I got from his mom. And she was like, hey, he doesn't know I'm doing this. But he doesn't stop talking about you and he cares about you.

And I'm so convinced he loves you. And I remember in hindsight, of course, it's different. But I remember in the time being like, oh my God, she cares about her son. They live far from each other. She. I was in a relationship with three people, her, me, and him. And it was to the point where like we'd get into an argument. He would storm out.

I'd be crying on the floor and be like, here we go again. Like somebody else leaves me, like my dad. And then he would call my mom. And then my mom would be on the phone and she'd be like, why the fuck are you calling me? Like, go in and talk to your girlfriend, your partner. Like, what do you do? I can't help you here. And she was like, you want me to take your side.

Like, I'm not doing it. this. And then he would call his mom. Then his mom would call me and she would berate me. She would scream at me. I'll never forget when I was in pain. And I remember I didn't have insurance. And the whole thing was I was like, I need you to put me on your insurance. And like he was like, okay, okay. And he was just dragging his feet and didn't want to do it. And one day I finally broke down and I was like, oh my God, I fell onto the floor. And I was like, I need to go to the hospital. And I remember he went, oh, Jesus Christ, get the fuck over it. You're not the only one who's ever been in pain. I have a meeting. Steped over me and left.

And I remember my sister called me and she's like, I'm on my way. I'm on my way, Sam. She's like, I'm coming to get you. She's like, I'll call the ambulance. I don't care. And his mom called me. And who the fuck do you think you are telling my son to cancel a meaning to take you to the hospital? You're being dramatic.

This is gas. You don't have an actual issue. Turns out I did. And he was angry that he had to come pick me up from the hospital because my sister was like, she had her newborn. And she was like, I can't leave. But like, can your partner come and get you? He was pissed to me. He was upset that he had to leave to go to the city to come get me. And I inconvenienced him. And I remember asking his mom on the phone. I said, let me ask you a question.

What would you have to say to your husband? She goes, I would never have to say anything to my husband. My husband would be taking me the hospital. And I said, so it's funny. I said, so your husband can do that, but not your son. And like that was that dynamic. That was the relationship of I had somebody else. And he didn't see anything wrong with it. Didn't see the need to set boundaries with his mom. didn't see that there was anything. That's when it becomes like, hey, this isn't working for me. Has anyone watched Sex in the City? Remember Bunny? Bunny and Trey? Remember that?

Like where she learned how to kind of take advantage. She learned what the mom would do to him, how the mom would touch his hand in one way to get what she wanted. So she started to do that. Again, do you want to be their parent or their partner? So when someone is super enmeshed in their family, listen, I love someone that's close to their family that they do stuff with and they travel. But even one of my clients, he was like, I'm a little worried.

the person I'm dating is like, she's so enmeshed with her family. And I was like, yeah, but you have to remember she's single. When you're single, you of course you're going to be with people more often. Then you start to create a family with somebody in like a life. Then of course you're not going to always, every weekend, you're not going to be at your family's house because you're like, well, now I have a partner. Right. Like, now I have things I can do and like we're going to have her own life. So I think it's really important when it comes to those family dynamics of talking about it and being like, hey, I notice that you hang out with your family a lot. Like, when do I become your family? When will I start to get credence of your time? When will I also be a

priority. And if they're like, oh, no, this isn't going to change. It's like, well, then you get to make a choice of, well, that doesn't work for me. I don't want to be with somebody who's so enamored with their family that it almost starts to become concerning. Or I don't want to be with somebody who's such a mama's boy, they can't even make their own decision unless they call their mom to consult them. Guys, it's about understanding what works for you and being okay if it doesn't. And asking somebody like, hey, you know, how are you? Are you close with your family? If they're like, yeah, I call my mom 30 times a day, I can't do anything without her and being like, is that because you're single or is that always been how it is? Because for me, like when I was

single, I'd be like, oh yeah, I talked to my mom every day all the time. And it was like, but that was because I was single. And I was very clear about that. I was like, well, yeah, it's because I don't, you know, like, I'm alone all the time. I was like, of course I call my mom. She's my best friend. I'm like, but when I'm in a relationship, I'll call my mom 40 times a day. Like, I text her more often than I'm calling her. I'll call her in the morning when I have my alone time. Like, then I understand that like my partner is also a priority in my life and it's not just about my family. And so I think it's really about having these conversations and understanding that, like, it's not, it's not going to be 100%. And it's like if this person, if they're really close with

their family and you love that, it's like, but then communicate with them of like, okay, so are we going to do split? How are we going to spend holidays? Are we going to always do it at your family? Or do we want to do one year on when you're off? Like, it's just, I know these are not the sexy questions. These are not the like, I don't want to talk about that in dating. And it's like, that's okay. You're not going to talk about it. What do you avoid in dating? one day you're going to have to face the music. It's just a matter of when do you want to face it? And so if you're dating people and you haven't had any of these conversations, you have no idea where they stand about any of this, that's a problem. Because it's okay to have disagreements.

TechRine and I did. When we first started dating, he saw things one way and I was like, absolutely not. And I explained that to him. And he was like, okay, I'd like to learn. How can I evolve my thinking? And then when he understood and I said, I was like, this is a non-negotiable for me. When he understood that, he was like, okay, I want to learn more about it. Now he understands it. And now we're in agreement on things. Like, that's what I mean by, it's not like a black and white. But if somebody says something, it's okay to be like, hey, I don't agree with that. And like, I got to be honest, that's not negotiable for me. So like, if that's how you feel, that's, I respect that. But then I'm going to tell you right now. That's, this isn't going to work. And I think so many people are so scared of, of rocking the boat or walking away from somebody or, oh, God, but what if I don't meet someone else? And it's like, that is a possibility. But I'd so much rather be alone than in bad. I'd so much rather be by myself and at least have my convictions because if I don't stand for something and fall for everything than to be with somebody that I'm like, I have to pretend

to be this version of myself just so that I could be here with you. That doesn't seem worth it to me. And so take up space. I'll understand what differences will work for you and what won't. Understand like for me and tech guy, we're very different people. He's significantly like, we look at it as like, he's the picture and I'm the picture and he's the frame. I'm the loud one.

I'm the gregarious. I'm the big personality. And I talk a lot and I take up space and I'm colorful and I'm bright. And he's significantly more rigid and spreadsheets. And he's the frame. He keeps me structured. I needed that, though. Because if both of us were like, blah, starving artists that are doing it, it's like,

then there's no stability. There's no grounding. And so I needed somebody to pull the balloon up. He's the weight at the end of the balloon. I keep going up and I'm trying to bring him up. But then he reminds me to come back down. And it's a balance. It ebbs and flows for both of.

us. And then I'm here to be like, hey, vulnerability is sexy and I help him explore that creative side that he has. But then he's also there to be like, hey, you also need to understand how to structure your life and that this doesn't work and this. We balance each other in those ways because where we're different is complementary. Where we're different is, oh, I don't do things like that. Perfect. I needed somebody that did. Versus our differences are, well, we don't agree on politics and religion and ethnicity, but we agree on the shows we like. It's like, I don't give a fuck about that. What's going to get you through the hard times. That's what we really want to look at here when we're talking about differences

and similarities in dating. And it's just about really understanding, like, and being really in touch with your body of like, does this feel good for me? Do I like the way I'm treated by this person? Or do I not like this? Like, I think maybe none of us were told that we can, we're allowed to make choices for ourselves. And I'm here to validate that for you. I'm here to let you know that if growing up you were not allowed to make a choice, have a need, ask for something, set a boundary, you now can because you're not dating your parents. You are dating these other people that are grown-ass adults that also get to make those choices. So instead of waiting for them to make the choice for you, why don't you make those choices for yourself and then see if they align

with people? That way we come from a place of empowerment and not from a place of attachment or insecurity or please choose me or I'll change or I'll do and I'll be anything you want. where's the relationship there where's the compatibility there guys as always another awesome fucking solo i love i love spend in time with you guys and i hope that this was able to answer some of those questions of like when do the differences start to add up when do they start to become an issue when do they you know what i mean like in those different kind of areas of life and as always guys thank you for sitting with me thank you for allowing me to show up authentically Like, again, I'm just no longer going to even entertain the people that are like, you speak too fast.

And it may, like a woman wrote me this morning. I just wanted to share with you. And this is actually what I wanted to talk about, even before we kind of finalize, was like, having feelings is great doesn't mean you always need to express them. Like somebody wrote to me saying, I love the, I love your podcast. The information's amazing. But I have to be honest. Every time you curse it really is triggering for me and I hate it and you speak just way too fast for me, I'm not expecting you to change, but I needed to share how I felt with you. And I was like, let me ask you a question.

what the fuck does that help me? Okay, thanks for sharing how you felt. What do you want me to do with this information? So you're not expecting me to change. You don't like the way I speak. But you love me. So it's like, so what do you want me to do with this information? So that's what I mean by like, we have to think about things first, right?

It's not just about being like, well, I express myself. It's like, no, my discomfort doesn't mean that you need to hear about it. My discomfort doesn't mean that I need to change somebody else or acknowledge that. So it's like, stop fucking texting people and telling people things like, I just need to share with you that this is how this made me feel. And it's like, cool, you can also talk to your therapist about that. You can also talk to your friends about that. You can also make a choice that this doesn't work for you and move on with your life. But you don't always need to tell people, well, this is how this is impacting me?

When it's like, but how is that helping the situation and how is that helping anybody in the system besides you just feeling like, well, I got it off my chest. And it's like, but you're hurting other people by doing that. That's not helping. That's not constructive. And so, again, it's just about thinking about things before we speak. And so, as always, guys. I appreciate it. Thank you for allowing me to do this. It's my fucking platform. So if you don't like it, that's cool. We don't need to be here together. But if you do like it, I so want you here and I so value you here and I so love you here. We want everybody here, but only if you genuinely want to be here. Otherwise, that's okay. It's the same with dating. I only want somebody that genuinely wants to be with me. Not that I have to change, not that I have to convince, not that I have to do any of that. Because then I've already lost if I feel like I have. to convince somebody to choose me. So thank you guys. I love you and I will see you guys next week.