The Sabrina Zohar Show - 85: Why You're Hung Up On Someone Who Doesn't Want To Be With You

Episode Date: July 12, 2024

On the first episode of The Sabrina Zohar Show, your host, Sabrina, explores the reasons we sometimes pursue people who don’t want us and emphasizes the necessity of healing and self-empowerment. Rejection is painful, but it’s crucial to understand that it’s not a reflection of our worth. Sabrina explains how love that isn’t reciprocated sparks neurochemical changes, causing excitement and a dopamine rush, while breakups lead to cortisol spikes and emotional lows. To counteract this, she suggests activities like walking, journaling, and spending time with friends. She delves into attachment styles, noting that secure individuals can handle breakups better, while avoidant and anxious types may struggle more. Sabrina encourages listeners to reframe their narratives, accept their feelings, and focus on self-worth rather than taking rejection personally. She highlights the importance of recognizing cognitive dissonance and fantasy bonds, urging listeners to reflect on their past relationships honestly. By doing so, we can break free from unhealthy patterns and create space for healthier, more fulfilling connections. Want to work with Sabrina? HERE! Stuck After the Podcast? Master Implementation in 8 Weeks with Sabrina's Foundation Course Join the Make It Make Sense: Getting Through a Breakup course HERE! Get Ad-free episodes and 2 Bonus episodes a month HERE! Dont forget to follow Sabrina and The Sabrina Zohar Show on instagram and Sabrina on Tik tok! Video now available on YOUTUBE!  Disclaimer: The Sabrina Zohar Show, formally known as Do The Work, is not affiliated with A.Z & associates LLC in any capacity Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to the first episode of the Sabrina Zohar Show. Guys, it's kind of still weird to say, but let me explain why this is no longer called Do the Work and why we're now called the Sabrina Zohar Show. So nothing's changing about the show, about me, about anything that you guys are going to receive besides the name. And I'm going to be a little vulnerable with you guys. A little. When are my not?

I'm going to be vulnerable with you guys. Three weeks ago, I got served a cease and desist letter. And realistically, when I started this podcast, the last thing you think about when you start a business is like, let me make sure the name is not trademarked, right? Like, I never in my life thought that this show would even take off, let alone create what we've created. And that's all things to you guys. And, you know, I'll take a little bit of support there. But when I got that letter, my entire world crashed. And like, the reality is he has every right to tell me I'm not allowed to use the name that this person.

And mind you, this person is not in our industry. So it's not anybody that we know. And he trademarked the name. And unfortunately, this person felt that they needed to come after us and tell us that we have to change everything. And that means the name of the podcast as well. And so I'm going to be honest. When this first happened, I had a mental breakdown and I completely lost it. And I just thought like, this is it. And after unpacking that, I had to actually realize that was a fear of mine. That was a core belief, a childhood core belief that I thought, but how people are going to find me. Like that's it. No one's going to care about me. Until I realize, like, wait a minute. Of course they care about you. Because we've created this entire community together. Changing the name doesn't change what we fucking have done together. And we're going to continue to do that together.

And I'm going to continue to show up every fucking week for you guys. And now it's just under the name of me, the Sabrina Zohar Show. So guys, please let your friends know, share it with everybody. Tag it on social. Our new Instagram handle is at the Sabrina Zohar Show. And we're just going to be going with this because it's kind of similar to the dating and relationship experience. You know, you get served divorce papers. You get a breakup that completely blindsided you. You think your life is going in one way. And then that's it. You're knocked on your ass and you don't even know which way is up or down.

But in that moment, we can either cower and say, oh, my God, life keeps happening to me. Or we could use this as an opportunity to say, you know what, life is happening for me. I was so scared of stepping into my power. I was, I just wanted to be the podcast hosts. wanted to hide behind the name of my show. And now more than ever, it's time for me to stand up and let little Sabrina know that I love her, I support her, and I believe in her. And I believe in her so fucking much, I put my name on this show. I put my name on everything now so that you guys know, I'm here in it with you. And I am not going to leave your side. And so I just ask for that same in return. So please, please, please, share it with your friends. Just let your friends know,

same podcast, new name, who dis. And just please, please, leave a review. Wherever you're listening, Apple, Spotify, YouTube, anywhere in the world. If you think it's worth five stars, please leave it. If you don't, that's okay. But we can speak kindly to each other, right? We don't need to leave really fucked up reviews just because you don't like something. It's okay. So that's all I ask. And guys, please, if you need anything, the Sabrina Zohar Foundation course is up and kicking. We're still going. So if you need anything, we go over dating patterns, limiting beliefs, inner child work. You've got meditations. You've got a community of amazing people. And it's all there for you if you need it. There's also the subscription. You can,

If you don't want ads, no worries. You can pay a little bit every month. You get ad free in two bonus episodes a month, including and Ask Me Anything in a custom episode, whatever you guys want me to make the episode on, I'll do. And if not, that's totally okay. This podcast is here to support you guys. And we ask just support the sponsors, right? They are keeping the show free for everybody. And so please, please show some love to them. That allows us to keep showing up for you. So guys, thank you for everything. Thank you for supporting me through this frankly terrifying excursion. But that doesn't mean that just because we're knocked down that that's it, right? We get to choose how we show up. And now I get to choose that I want to show up for you guys in the best way I possibly can.

And so we're going to keep this gravy train rolling. If you need anything, you want to work one-on-one, ask me a question. Everything will be in the show. Nets as always, don't forget to follow along on the socials if you want to see more content. And guys, I'm just excited to go on this new journey. I'll be it a scary one, but we're in this together. So without further ado, let's get right on into it, shall we? All right, babes. Welcome back. We had a little bit of some vulnerability before we started, but now it's time for us to get to brass fucking taxes. And guys, I just really hope that this whole entire situation that I'm experiencing and everything that's happening is such a good understanding and testament to like, just because you're knocked down does not mean you're knocked out. Just because you're down in this moment does not mean that this is it.

Sometimes we have to take these shitty-ass moments and let me tell you the last two weeks, I haven't slept. I mean, I'm slept, but you know what I mean, been very anxious, high stress, constantly wondering what's going to happen. And even really, like, it's been such an interesting experience for me. Because when I found out about the cease and desist, that was it. Like, my world crumbled in that moment, like hyperventilating sheer panic attack. I thought I'd had panic attacks until this one happened. I was like, oh, so that's what that means. And I get it. Like, I understand how it feels. Like it reminded me of when my ex and I broke up and when he left me. And it reminded me of when I I lost Clem. And that's when I knew in that moment, like, I knew it's okay. Let it burn. Crash. Let it cry. Scream. I yelled and I screamed and screeched in a way. Even Ryan said, I've never heard you cry like that because I saw this as my everything. And that also kind of gives us an understanding too of like when we put too much importance, which is a perfect segue into the episode that we're going to have today, which is why you're hung up on somebody that doesn't fucking want to be with you. Because when we put so much importance on, My life is only okay if. And I did that with Clem. My life is only okay if I have Clem. My life is only okay if I had my ex. My life is only okay if I have this podcast, right?

Or whatever. That wasn't the last part wasn't the reality, but I didn't realize it wasn't. And I always knew that's why diversify your portfolio, right? It's kind of the same with dating. Like I don't just make money in one way. If you have one outlet and that doesn't work, it's like, well, then what are you going to do? How are you going to live, right? And so for me, it's like dating, right?

You have one person that you're seeing. Well, we don't know if this is. going to work out or not. So it's nice to be able to diversify and have different things that we could start to look at and different types of personalities that we like, et cetera. But I'll be honest with y'all. Like, I got really scared. And in that moment, I remember I was actually having my session with Masha and it was the perfect timing. And I cried. And I remember just saying like, man, I feel like a kid again. And okay, fine. We explored it. And I said, okay, I feel this marble in my chest. This time it turned into a marble that was like this black vortex. And I was like, man,

And I, it's heavy. And when we said, let me look into it. It brought me back to being a kid. And I was right back to feeling like my father who used to, I kept saying, I feel like I'm being bullied and I don't have control. I wasn't being bullied by anybody and it wasn't that I had no control. But that's how it felt, right? I got this letter and I was like, that's it.

I'm done. I can't do anything. And it felt like a child again. And a story of when my dad was just at his worst and he was my sister's birthday. And we went out to dinner at a place she did not want to go to. when she kept saying, Dad, please, I don't want to go there. And he turned around and he started fucking hitting her. And I remember us running out of the car and him running after her, screaming and me going,

but what if I'm next? I was like seven, right? And the moral of the story was, this obviously wasn't the same situation. I wasn't having anybody chasing me. I wasn't an imminent danger. But my body reacted like that. My body went right back to, oh my God, you're fucked, dude. You're going to be done.

You don't have any choice. And then I started to explore, what does that mean I don't have a choice, right? What does that mean? I feel like I have no options here. And then I was like, well, as a kid, I didn't. And I said, well, what are my options now? Okay, well, I have to rename this company, this cold podcast, everything. And again, I was fucking terrified.

It's like starting over again. It's like when you guys are like, oh, how am I going to go on? It's like, you will. You will. Does it mean that you're not going to hurt? I don't know who the fuck told you that. I don't know whoever said that this just doesn't hurt and this should just Just be easy.

Was lying to you. And I'm sorry that they lied to you. But I'm not going to sugarcoat this shit for you guys anymore. Healing is painful. Moving on from somebody is painful. Losing things is painful. But you have you at the end of the day. And I had to remind myself of that.

Like I have this incredible support system. And I have a beautiful community that I built that does not mean it's all gone. But the way I thought my future was going to go, building this empire with that podcast name, had to change. And yeah, I could have taken it lying down. I've been like, that's it. Guess I'm done. Nobody wants me. I'm out. Instead, I was like, well, have your pity party. Have it. Let it crash. But then remember the fuck you are. Remember who you are and find strength and power in who you are. And stand in that strength and power. That just because it didn't work out doesn't mean that it won't. It just means that it's time for a slightly different path that the universe, God, whatever you believe in has for you. And sometimes we really have to be okay with that. And, you know, I've always said I suffer with a smile. You might think everything's going amazing and on screen, everything looks fantastic. But internally, I am struggling and losing it. And that's because growing up, that's what we were taught.

You cannot show emotion. Don't you dare tell anybody that you have an issue. We are the perfect family and we are fine. Stop telling people you have problems. And even with my own father, he had no patience for emotions. It was really scary when I would have emotions and be shut down and told that I was too much or that there was something wrong with me for having these emotions when there wasn't. I was a healthy growing girl that was experiencing things.

And so now in those moments it's about me saying, yeah, okay, so I went back to that place. But I was able to go and reparent me. I was able to go get me and remind myself, that might have been then. It's not now. And so the reason I share, this isn't because I'm vain and I want to talk about myself the whole time, but it's because I want to share what it's actually fucking like on this journey, what it genuinely feels like to lose something that you, really care about or love and have put your whole life and soul into it. The yes, it is scary.

But we also have to leave space for magic that can happen. Am I terrified? Yes. But do I also think that maybe this could be a good thing and this will work out in my favor and that will bounce back and everything will be okay? Yeah. Two conflicting thoughts. I'm allowed to be scared. I'm allowed to be terrified. I'm allowed to cry and have my moments. But I'm also allowed to remind myself that I've been through a lot. And I've had a lot of shit happen. I've lost a lot. And maybe this is an okay time to say, if you lose it, let it go.

Right? And I know it sounds so easy. And that's why I have this entire fucking write-out here of why you're hung up on somebody that doesn't want to be with you. Right? We hear this all the time. I talk about this to at nauseam. Why do you want somebody that doesn't want you?

And it's like on paper, sure. Oh, well, you know, something that, if I can't have it, I want it more. right like that's the adage it's like but i want to know daddy and vernaica salt a veruca salt where the fucker name was in willie lanka veruca vernaz salt was my my that band that did that song that was a job breaker now if you know what i'm referring to i'm so here for it if you don't don't worry about it's a it's a 90s movie that my sister and i were obsessed with but anyways but when we we you know we always want what we can't have right oh well it seems more it seems more desirable when it's out of reach it's kind of you look at like designer handbags for years you're

like, oh, I want that, I want that. And then you go and you're like, it's fucking plastic half this shit. Like half of these designers, you're like, this isn't even quality. I just want it because it's unattainable. But then you get it and you're like, well, did that bring me any happiness or joy? Not really. Because realistically in life, it's like, I want what wants me. I want what reciprocates to me. I have the bandwidth and the desire to be with someone that has that bandwidth and desire for me as well. And so I broke down 10 different actual reasons why you want someone that doesn't want you. And then we're going to talk about each one

and start to kind of go over in some questions that you guys asked. Now, the reality is the why, why, why, why, as my brilliant friend Brits-Frank always says, why questions are not actually going to get you anywhere. And we go through this every day. If you ask why, why, why, why, why, why? And then I tell you, well, so if you say,

why doesn't you want to be with me? And I give you the answer, well, because this person doesn't have the bandwidth to be in a relationship right now. Well, why wouldn't they change? You see how there's always a why question. Think about a child, right? A kid.

You notice that kids ask why about every fucking thing. Why this? Why this? Why this? Yeah, they're curious. But instead, it's a lot of the times it's discomfort, right? When we ask why, we avoid the fact that we're feeling uncomfortable within our body. We're feeling uncomfortable by the situation.

And at Britt always said, reframe why to I don't like. This doesn't feel good, right? I don't like that this person didn't want to be with me. Okay, what don't I like about it? Well, I don't feel like I was chosen. Okay. Where did that come from? And I think realistically, almost all the questions that you guys asked were very similar. Why do I want this person? Why can't I get over them? Why am I so stuck on this person? But yet nobody is really asking what's coming up for me. Where is the stemming from? What is the root of the issue here? Where am I holding on to this? Where did I learn this from? Right? It's the same with like when I lost the name. And I saw that of like, why is this person doing this to me? It's like, well, it doesn't fucking matter, right? Well, because they have the trademark and they can legally do that. Did that make me feel better? No. It didn't make me feel, oh, okay, well, I intellectually

understand. It's like, no, because you won't feel better until you feel. You can't feel better until you feel, right? So even off the bat, like, as humans, we are social creatures. We are literally bred to be with other people. That's why, like, none of us are really that ever alone. Like, sure, yeah, there are people like that. And it's like, it sounds like a really sad life, like the Grinch. but as humans we were brought into onto this planet we are we co-create with each other we co-exist with each other we're fucking trying right and this for another day but being first off even let me just let's talk about this trigger word right being triggered in a relationship or in a dating experiences is not necessarily a bad thing now a lot of people ask like why i'm so triggered when

someone doesn't want to be with me and it's like oh no no no no that's not a trigger a trigger is an act a neutral action or inaction. So a trigger is somebody closed the door loudly. And yeah, okay, it might be low. But if you freak out and you're like, oh, PTSD, sorry, triggered an explosion I heard. Or my father used to slam the doors and it triggered me. It's the same with my cursing. A lot of people say what triggers me and it's like, well, there's nothing wrong with me saying the word fuck. But if you have a, whoa, that reaction, it's like, right, it's a neutral action or inaction that causes a huge reaction, like a huge reaction, right? somebody not wanting you isn't just a trigger.

That's rejection. That doesn't feel great. Right? So it's not that you're triggered. There's nothing wrong with you that you are sad that somebody that you liked does not want to reciprocate that with you. Where we have an issue is when it starts to become all about your self-esteem and what's wrong with me and I wasn't because then at the end of the day, let's like peel that layer

back. Then what it has to do with is nothing to do with the other person and it has everything to do with you. Right? So wait, wait, let's sit on that one for a second. It is nothing to do with the other person, right? Take a second right now. Think about the narrative that you tell yourself when somebody doesn't want to be with you. What's wrong with me? Am I not good enough? Is there something? What could have been better? Would you find somebody else? Very rarely is it about, man, you were so emotionally available and incredible. What a great connection we had. I'm actually really surprised at this end did, but, right? That would be where that ends, right? When you're secure in who you are,

And you're like, okay, well, I didn't do anything to deserve this necessarily. Like, if we can take stock, right? And this is also where nuance starts to come into play. Like black and white thinking is really not, it's not going to help anybody. Also, why I don't answer why questions? Because why didn't this person want to be with me? There's no one answer for everybody. Oh, but that's why I'm so tired of it.

It's no. It's because they found someone else. It's like, that's not always the answer. It's not always the answer. Maybe this could be your anxiety is way too overwhelming for this person, that they already feel like, hey, this isn't compatible. Maybe this person is traveling and for the next six months and has something else. And priorities are not a relationship, right?

It's very, what we talked about in the last episode with no, it's entitlement to believe, well, I exist in your life so you should change for me. Where did you learn that from? And did that work in your childhood? And that's okay if not. I'm not fucking trying to hurt anybody here. But we have to call out our bullshit. And we have to start being like, yeah, actually you're right.

I guess it is kind of ridiculous of me to think that just because, I'm in someone's life, they should just automatically change everything about themselves. And what we also underestimate is compatibility. Compatibility is really fucking important. Do you have the same morals, ethos, and ethics? Do you have the same trajectory? Like when I was dating, even the guy had dated right before a tech guy, he ended it with me because he was like, fuck, I'm going through a bit of a depression, I'm dealing with my own

shit, I'm not really able to show up for myself. And I could have done the like, oh, no, you're lying. It's because you met someone else. And it's like, dude, that dude's still single. And he even told me, we've spoken recently. He was like, it had nothing to do with anybody else. He was like, I was just in my own shit. And I was not ready to accept that somebody cared about me because I didn't care about me.

Yeah, let that one sink in. Oftentimes, we push away good people because then that means that we have to look and go, yeah, but I am worthy of this. I am deserving of this, right? And for all the people being like, yeah, but why can't they accept it? It's like, but then what are you doing going after people that are not willing to accept love from you? I hate to break it to you guys, but you're equally as emotionally unavailable. If you're harping on somebody and you're consistently trying to get somebody like somebody had written in recently saying, you know, this person broke up with me like 10 times. And when I spoke to them, I said, you didn't give it a chance.

And it's like, it's not what it's about. It's not about you didn't give it a chance. It's like, no, what it's about is that you all are not right for each other. You're not compatible. This person does not want a relationship in the way that you do. The stars have to align for shit like that to happen. You know, just not everybody is going to want the same things as you. Not everybody works out in the same ways.

And that's part of what I always say, like being okay with losing things. The more you hold on to like, I'm only okay if I have them, it's like, no, you're okay. You're only okay if you have you, baby. You're fucked if you don't have you. Your relationship with yourself is going to be the longest relationship you ever have. And if you're not feeling solid and secure, how on God's green earth would you like anyone else to be in your life and feel solid and secure with you? If you don't feel like, man, I wake up every day and I know who I am, I know what I bring to the table.

I know the type of person that I am. And that's okay. I don't need to take it personally that me going on a date and this person doesn't like it, that there means anything there's wrong with me. That is real fucking growth. And that is empowerment to be able to say, just because someone doesn't like me doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with me. And a lot of you guys ask, like, how do I not take this personally? How do I not take it personally? And it's like, what's personal about it?

Right. Okay, so there's a difference between I keep going on first or second dates and I'm not jiving with anybody. Okay. How's that personal about you? What do these people know about you? The where it can become personal is like when I used to date and my sister would say, well, you're the common denominator. Yeah, she was right. It was personal in the sense where how I was showing up was the fucking problem.

But you know what also was the problem? The people I expected to show up for me. The people that I thought were going to show up in these ways, that was also the problem. Not only was the way I was being, the way I was dating, the way I was texting, the way I was having expectations, and the way that I was expecting that somebody was going to come and fucking save me. And when I realized, ain't nobody coming to save you, babe, because even if they do, they can still leave you. Anybody can leave you.

Love is not unconditional. Adult relationships are very conditional. It's a contract renegotiation. Hey, I'm saying I'm going to be like this. I don't need to take your bullshit. If you become abusive or dismissive or complete 180, that's not. I'm not your parents. I don't have to take it. No, that's when I say, I deserve better than this. That's consistency in dating and relationships. And so we have to remember, it doesn't matter where you

broke up in the process. There ain't nobody on this planet that is so fucking amazing that you need to be hung up on them and cannot move on with someone else. You're allowed to feel however long you want to feel sad for and bummed and hurt and all of those things. But when you really start to do the work on this shit and start to address like what am I holding on to what about this person is so fantastic no no no no hold the phone right there babies not what do i want them to be how they could be if they did what makes them because if this relationship were so amazing then what are you guys doing breaking up what's the issues right and so we have to call that to the surface and really understand like when we internalize the issue you're trying you're making it about you and what that does is

it reaffirms your core beliefs. So every time it's why don't they want to be with me? I want you to ask that question, okay, why don't they want to be with me? What's the narrative that follows? Is there something wrong with me? And I don't know good enough, blah, blah, blah. Notice how that's all about you. That's not about the other person.

So it's not actually about the fact that this is a really great connection for you and that this, no, it's about the fact that you don't think you're good enough. You don't think you're worthy. You don't think there's something wrong with you. That's why this person left. And I was striking a chord? I know it because I did it. I was her.

Every guy at Dato was like, there's something wrong with me. Yeah, what was wrong with me was the way I fucking saw myself. What was wrong was I was asking these people to show up in ways that they didn't have the bandwidth. That's like me asking you to fucking swim a marathon and you don't even know how to do a basic stroke. How could that person all of a sudden know how to be the support system? And here's the reality. That was also on me. Right? We allow people like we had Nicole on neuroscience to talk about what happens in our brain. Right. So that's kind of the first. aspect I wanted to talk to you about. Dopamine dependency. So this is a very real thing. So let's talk about dopamine for a second. Dopamine is a reward drug. It's a pleasure neurotransmitter. And so when you're dealing with somebody, dopamine is getting released. And now how is dopamine getting released? It is not whenever they text you. That's serotonin. That's the happy drug, right? Ooh, yeah, got the message. No, dopamine is a reward drug. So what does reward mean? Unpredictable, right? When it becomes predictable, that's why you guys always why, why am I not? Why am

I'm so into somebody that's not into me, but yet when someone's into me, I'm not interested in them. It's like, because it's no longer fun, you're not getting the same pleasure, reward system in your head. It's the same as drug users. They have to do more and more and more and more because after a while you get used to it. It's no longer the same dopamine release. And when we get, we have to remember what happens during a breakup when somebody ends it. Cortisol is spiked. Your stress is through the roof. And because cortisol spikes, all other neurotransmitters get depleted. your dopamine, your serotonin, your neuropreneferin, your oxytocin, everything. Everything gets depleted.

And so what happens? You're just gripping to try to get to, I need more, I need more. Because not only are you at the, you're no longer baselining, you're below baseline. And so we have to understand that, like, that could make it really difficult to let somebody go. And there was actually a study in the journal of neuropsychology that found that social social rejection activates brain regions associated with reward processing, leading to cravings and withdrawal symptoms. It's a drug neurochemical thing going on in your head right now.

So that's the first thing to remember. Your brain is braining. Your brain is doing its thing. There's nothing wrong with you. It is normal after an ending to be sad and to be, you know, you used to have the text every day. Now you don't, right? And now it's that I feel depleted.

So I'm not getting the reward. What happens when we feel we're not getting the reward? There's something wrong with me. what did I do wrong, right? I'm not getting the feel good feelings, which is also why I say, like, let's fucking go slow so that we're not basing how we feel off of somebody because of a bunch of chemicals running through our brains. And instead, we're seeing how we feel about somebody based on how do we actually feel with them in that moment? How do we feel like, think about these people that you're hung up on. Think about it. Really, how'd you feel with them? You felt seen,

heard, and understood? You felt so secure with this person every time. Was it genuinely that you were secure or was it that when you were with them you felt secure because yay they were there they're choosing me right dopamine i get the reward but then when they're not just completely depleted right when we see that grave discrepancy between when i'm with them everything i hear this all time everything is perfect ain't shit fucking life perfect not even me not even dogs not even anything everything has its flaws right so we already know off the bat we're not being honest with ourselves they're not perfect they're not all of those things and that's okay we can hold two conflicting thoughts. It doesn't mean they're a bad person. And I think we have this like, oh, I can't talk about that.

I can't look at them like that. Right. Well, but there's no guilt in that. You're allowed to say this person, you know what? They were dismissive. I actually really hated the way that this person tried to support me because they never really listened to me. On the contrary, they just actually made me feel worse about it and felt like my needs way too much for them. All right. Off the bat, we're starting to undo a little bit of that wiring. Okay, wow. Yeah, I guess I don't. I don't. I don't. need the dopamine from them. But then we get depleted. It's like, well, how can I give dopamine back to myself, right? Like, what can I do? It's like, can I spend time with other people? Can I spend time with friends? Can I do journaling? Can I spend time in the sunshine? That's a serotonin one, right?

There's, if you even like Google, look Nicole, Nicole, Neuroscientist. She has different ways of like, how can you replenish these neurotransmitters? And so it's really important to understand off the bat your brain is going through withdrawal. We think that, you know, it's only through drugs and alcohol. Addiction's addiction, baby. Your brain does not understand the difference. Your just knows it's feeling pain, which leads us into the second part here, the attachment styles. Right. So if somebody who is secure, somebody's secure can go through a breakup and be like, okay, listen, it sucks and that person wasn't feeling it. But I also know that, like, maybe we're just not compatible for each other and that's okay. This person's allowed to think what they think.

I'll just move on and find somebody else. It's not that you're not hurt. I think that's this common misconception that being securely attached means like you just don't ever get sad or hurt. And like, that's only for the insecure people. No, the bigger difference is the insecure people make it about themselves, whereas the secure person understands it's other people as well. So an avoidant person after a breakup might, I feel a relief, right? Because they were so triggered throughout of like emotions and having bandwidth and like, we have to look, avoidance are not bad people. Avoidance were taught at a young age. It's not safe to have these emotions.

It's not safe. It's not a safe space. I see it with my own sister. Or she was taught. She would hit anytime she had emotions. Of course she's going to shut down. Why would she express herself? She only knows pain.

That's that reward system. And so the avoidant person after a breakup might feel a little bit of a relief. That's why we always like, oh, well, how could they just move on and be totally okay? It's like, we don't know that they're totally okay. We just know that they're putting on a good face, right? We don't know what's actually happening internally for people. Even if you said, well, they moved on and met someone else. It's like, well, listen, let's be realistic here.

If you met some, if you only been dating someone for a fucking month or two, yeah, no shit. They're going to move on and date somebody else. Like, I met Ryan four days after I ended it with this other guy because we only been dating for months. This person wasn't giving me what I wanted. He wasn't amazing. He wasn't all those things. He was super avoidant. And at first, he was really good. He was texting me every day and calling me every day. And I thought, oh, my God, but look, he wants all these things. But when push came to shove, where was he? Couldn't have real conversations of depth, just kept deflecting it because it made him uncomfortable. There's nothing wrong with him. He's not a bad person. He is just not for me.

I didn't need to attack myself. I remember leaving being like, all right, well, you're just not for me. I don't think there's, I don't need to take, I don't need to take, I don't need to own this. If you're not attracted to me or if you're not into me, like, that's fine. Then you're just not, you're not the right person for me. Right? What do I? Like, I learned from it. Okay, here are things I won't accept. Here are things I will. But I was really proud of the way I handled it. It happens. It's fucking life. It's not always going to work out. Versus someone anxious, we all know how that ends. It's always an attack on who you are as a person. What's wrong with me? Why doesn't this person like me? Is there something wrong with me? But I thought that they did, da, da, da, da, da, da, even somebody

had written, something I really wanted to talk about, was how to cope with being blindsided. They said they're all into me and it's like, I'm going to be, said this with love, you're full of shit. If you're completely, well, I'm so blindsided. I had no idea. You had no idea that this person was like, more avoidant. You had no idea that this person maybe wasn't reciprocity. It's like, just because someone love bombs you, that's the problem. You're trusting everybody. Oh, well, you say you like me. So you must like me, huh? But with what actions to back that up? just because someone's taking you on a few trips or wants to buy you shit and wants to spend all their time with you, it does not mean that they actually care about you for who you are. That just means that they like the validation that they get from getting you.

The pinch has to match the ouch, baby. You don't grow this amazing, secure, vulnerable, transparent relationship because somebody came on really fucking strong after one date. Right? Like that's just rushing into it and that's trying to seek safety. And for whatever their reasons, manipulation or safety. But very rarely do I actually, once you start to unpack it, is it really a blind side? More often than not, it's a shit, I didn't want to see that. That's okay. I can hold space for that, right? It's okay. But I think a huge red flag in life is when you're not willing to admit things to yourself.

And I was that girl. Because I knew that if I admitted it that this person wasn't right for me, I used to fight people like, no, no, they are. No, they just need this. Because admitting it would have to mean that I'd have to admit to myself, like, hey, it's time to make. different changes. When you start, when you make that admission, when you bring it out to the forefront, then you have to make changes. That's really fucking tough. So attachment styles, a lot of the times like when that happens, think about it. This person leaves. It triggers. We remember it. Let's talk about the brain. We go back into that limbic part of our brain,

right in the back, that amygdala part. All your brain knows as they've been left before this hurt them. That's why it feels so painful. And you're just fucking fawning of this. It's like, no, because it feels like how it felt when one of your caregivers left. Or the perception that they were going to leave, right? You're a child. You don't actually know what the fuck is going on. We don't know what's really happening. And oftentimes it's like it's about our core beliefs. Why don't they want to be with me? Oh, there's something like, look at the narrative that follows after that. It's usually attacking yourself, bringing yourself down or something wrong with me. I knew I was too much. Nobody's going to want me. You keep talking to yourself like that. Your brain is just going to be like, okay, well, that's life, right?

If you go outside right now and you look for a red car, you're going to find a red car because your brain, there's a cognitive bias. your brain is going to look for what it wants to see. And that's why we have to get so very fucking crystal clear on how you want to feel in a relationship. How do you want to be? How do you want to have visualization in that regard? How do I want to be with this person? That way, you can see if that aligns with you, right? That way you can see if this person and you actually could be compatible in those ways,

but you won't know unless you're really fucking clear on what is that you want. But more often than not, it triggers a part of our brain that makes us feel a, I wasn't chosen. I wasn't picked. Up, there we go. We go back to the amygdala. I felt this before. And we're just misconstrueing them for our caregivers. And see, well, I'm only okay if I have this person, so I must not be okay, right? But that's not actually the case. Sure, attachment styles play a part and do it. But a 2015 study, and by the way, I've backed up everything with a study because I love science.

A study in the neuroscience and biobehavioral reviews on science.com highlights the role of the attachment system with breakup activating brain regions linked to threat processing and negative emotions. Baby, your brain is brain and it's okay. But this is where I say kind of going back into repeat. Like when those moments happened, like, it's okay to be like, hey, I'm feeling really shitty right now. Well, can I explore what the narrative is? I knew they wanted someone else.

Okay, what facts do I have to back that up? Even if they met somebody else, yeah, okay, well, they were just more compatible. Right? Think about it. You guys are always being cheerleaders for me. Fuck the trolls and don't let them dictate who you are. When are you going to turn that light around onto you? Yeah, there are a lot of people that will come to me.

I don't like the way you curse and they leave me bullshit fucking reviews on Apple. Shout out to that person. Yeah, I see you. I read them. And who just attack me as a human. It's not very, usually the content's great, but I can't stand her and she's this and she's this. And it's like, hmm, they have to attack me to make themselves feel better because otherwise to have to go, wait, wow, this activated a part of me that made me really uncomfortable.

Maybe this person's onto something. Yeah, their delivery might be something that's different for me. But imagine if I was like, well, I'm just going to change. These people don't like me, so I just need to change who I am. Why would I do that? Why would I change who I am? Because other people don't like it. There's one thing to take feedback, right? If I'm going on 31st dates and everybody after is like, hey, you're really anxious and it's feeling a little overwhelming, that's feedback to be like, okay, have I been self-abandoning? What's coming up for me? Am I not showing up authentically?

But at the end of the day, like, somebody had even asked, like, should I ask for feedback after a date? And it's like, no. No. Because their feedback could be like, listen, you're on this side of the political spectrum and I'm on this side and that doesn't work for me. Okay. That doesn't mean I need to change where I'm at. That just means that you and I are not aligned. And I think we need to be okay with that.

We have to stop trying to fucking change other people or ourselves to fit for other people and instead take up space being like, you know, what, that's fucking self-love, saying I'm who I am and I'm going to take up space as who I am. And I validate my experiences and I know that I'm fucking valid in the way that I feel. And if that person doesn't see it, I don't need to continue. Right. So now we go on to a cognitive dissonance. So a lot of people are not really able to handle the reality of the rejection, right? So they'll rationalize the person's behavior in line with the desire for the relationship, right?

So that cognitive bias could really look like. So that's also that like that rumination. And so there was a 2012 study in psychology science that found that rumination is associated with increased distress and difficulty moving on. Right. So there is science to back up right now that outside of the chemical. So outside of the oxytocin and dopamine depletion, right? And that reward. So that feels loneliness, lack of motivation. We start to feel that depletion. On top of that, then we have these intrusive thoughts. Then we start to stock on social media. Social media is linked with anxiety and depression. Because what ends up happening is we start to scroll and what you're doing is you're looking for reaffirming beliefs. I knew it. See, they met. Look at them. I see this all the time. Like they added three girls and they started following this and they liked this photo.

And it's like, that is avoiding looking at yourself and being like, cool, let me just project my discomfort onto them. I don't want to deal with what's coming up for me that, yeah, I feel rejected. I feel like there's something wrong with me. Okay. Well, what's the validity to that rejection? They're going to be rejected a lot of the times. So no one listening has never gotten, like not gotten a job. You've never been rejected from something that you've applied to.

You've just, you're living life getting everything you want. God, that must be really boring, huh? Don't you think? Want to go electric without sacrificing fun? That's the Volkswagen ID4. All electric and thoughtfully designed to elevate your modern lifestyle. The Volkswagen ID4 is fun to drive with instant acceleration. that makes city streets feel like open roads,

plus a refined interior, with innovative technology always at your fingertips. The all-electric ID4, you deserve more fun. Visit vw.ca to learn more. SUVW, German engineered for all. What would make it fun? Think about if you got everything you wanted, well, then it wouldn't be exciting anymore, right?

You wouldn't be excited about good happening if you never had bad, right? And so we have to look at like all of these experiences is none of this is is a waste of your time, but I think we're in just a bit of a fucking time where, like, God forbid, there's a rejection. God forbid someone doesn't like you for you. And that's all right. There are a lot of people that don't like me for me. And yeah, does it hurt?

Of course, I'm a human. But that is really where we go into that dissonance of not really seeing the reality, right? We want to put it all into our self-worth. Everything is, no, no, no, no, no. It's because there's something wrong with me versus being like, wait a minute. Let me see this subjectively. And I'll give you an example. and I got the cease and desist.

I could have attacked myself, I'm like, you're a fucking idiot. How could you have done this? You're so fucking stupid and been awful to myself. But instead I was like, yo, dude, you're a human. It's not always going to work out how you want it. And that's all right, right? Blip on your screen.

Cry, feel. Let it all happen. But that doesn't mean you need to attack yourself and turn this into a me, me, me, me, me, a copa to like, something's wrong with me, show. Like I said, there's a common denominator how you handle situations and the people that you're wanting things from.

Look at that shit. Before you start to make it about you that there's something wrong with you, it's nothing wrong with you. It's just about the way that we see things. How do you genuinely see yourself? Do you really think you're lovable? What parts of you don't feel lovable? And then start to see, are you trying to get other people to love those parts of you? And that's what you're so hyper-focused on?

I was. I thought I was too much. So I just wanted to disprove that to everyone. And then when I dated somebody who would act like I was too much because they couldn't handle emotions and feelings, Then I would be like, see, I knew I was too much. Somebody even asked that. I put that down of if you're always rejected, it's difficult to move on because it's not about them.

The problem is you. And she said, but she added on there, it's not about them. The problem is you. That there's something wrong with you. I just didn't add that in. And I said, where's the facts to back that up? Sure. It might be difficult to move on from somebody that rejects you because you wanted that.

You liked them. But then we have to look. What did you like so much about this person? I remember that one guy in Venice. I have talked about him before. When he didn't want me, I wanted him even more. I wanted him even more because him rejecting me reminded me, see, there's something wrong with you. They don't like you.

See, he sees it too. That was my own core belief. Now, if I had met him, I'd be like, I'm sorry, am I into you? You're emotionally unavailable and you're a fuck boy. Somebody got upset with me the other day being like, how derogatory. It's like, there's nothing. I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with people having sex. A fuck boy is Harry from fucking two out to handle in perfect match who whistled.

who whistles sweet nothings into your ear and tells you knowing that they don't want a relationship with you and that this ain't progressing but they want to get what they want that's a fuck boy that's the problem it's not that people want to go get late of course have your have your fun i'm the most intimacy sex positive person like you're getting me but again like we have to remember when it's time when it's hard to let go we also have the fantasy bond the fantasy bond is a fantasy that like a lot of the times we're so stuck up on because you might also have shared memories and there might be things that are coming in. And a 2018 study showed actually the Journal of Neuroscience showed that encountering reminders of an X activates brain regions associated with memory and emotion

intensifying the feelings of a loss. That's why I say, get off fucking social media. Next month, not even next month. In two weeks, what am I talking about? I forgot what I forgot it was July. The course with Britt Frank and I are coming out about how make it make sense, breakup addition, how to actually understand what's going on chemically in your brain and how to almost trick the system and understand these are chemical aspects. There is a method to the madness. No contact isn't just for fun. You actually need to withdraw off of somebody. And it's okay. Listen, it took me two years for a song to not trigger me about my ex when I hear it and I'd be like, oh. And then I reframed and I was like, I fucking love this song. I hear songs now where I laugh.

Brian and I were in the car and it came on. I was like, man, this reminds me of like it triggered me. I was like, it reminds me of when I was single in Venice and with Clem. And I used to walk and cry listening to this song. And now I'm driving down the coast with my amazing partner while we're literally on our way to go look at fucking rings at a shop, reaffirming to myself, this song doesn't have to mean bad. We can reframe it to be a positive experience. But that's why we need you to fuck off social media. Right. Then we go into the idolization phase. So the idealization is really something what we idolize. So in a 2016 study in personality and social psychology bulletin, which was on 30waves.com found that people tend to hold on to positive memories and downplay negatives

hindering the grieving process. It's like the saying, I would say, the good floats to the top, the bad sinks to the bottom, right? So when a breakup happens, how often, like, I, and like, usually it comes from the fear of the unknown. We're fucking terrified. We're scared. And we have ingrained habits and everything is, oh, let me, let me attack myself and let me hurt myself and let me come out myself hard because it's what I'm used to doing and I'm used to shaming myself because that's how my parents were with me. But I had a client the other day and everything was no, no, this person was amazing. Everything was amazing.

Every person was amazing. Everything, every X, every everything. But then when we started talking, I was like, wait, what made this person amazing? And it's that cognitive dissonance of because we're just like, no, no, no, what it does is it makes it about you. Well, because if you hold them accountable and be like, yeah, this person fucking sucked.

They were really shitty to me and they didn't treat me well. And I was so down on how I felt about myself that I would have just taken anything from anybody. Okay. That we can actually do something with. Yeah, you're right. Okay. versus, no, they're so amazing. They're so amazing. It's like, I get it. You're holding on to them because it's all you had. And when we have parents, we feel really guilty for being like, there's something my parents weren't great. No, no, they were amazing. They were amazing. I hear that every day. No, I had the best childhood. You can have a great childhood. That doesn't mean your parents attuned to your needs. You could have had two parents that really did do the best they could with the information they knew. That still doesn't mean that they attuned to your needs. That means that now as an adult, you're going to have issues. Things are going to come up. Like, that's okay. And so I think we also need to be cognizant of like, write down. Maybe he's

to journal, like, a lot of you guys asked for, like, how to overcome this. And it's like, start to journal what you're even holding on to. Pen to paper. Stop with you. Don't put it in your fucking not a phone. Scientifically, we need pen to paper, not eyes to phone, to really process, like, what am I holding on to right now? What makes them so amazing? Are they really all of those things? Okay, list out all of those things that you claim that they are. And then give me five examples of how they showed up for that. So I hear this every day, I was like, oh my God, I felt so seen it hard and understood. And I'm like, really? Give me examples. And then you all of a sudden, they're like, oh, yeah, I guess you're right.

That person actually kind of dismissed me when I would be upset. And it's like, uh-huh, is that how you felt when you were a kid? You were used to that. We can misconstrue it. You got to start making these people a real people. You got to start bringing them to the surface. Like, I remember my friend said that, take the shine off of him. And when she said that, that's when I started to see my ex differently.

Because I was like, I'm the problem. I'm fucked up. There's something wrong with me. I'm always the issue. I'm always the problem. And I remember I was tapping. And tapping, somebody had asked, there's a tapping app. And tapping is like you tap on acupressure points that are helping you calm down when you're thinking of something highly dysregulating.

So if I'm thinking like, I remember you used to do it and I would be like, I'm such a piece of shit, everything is my fault. And I did it. And then I remember tapping going, well, can't all be my fault. And even my therapist, she was like, there we go. And we started to see it, right? We have to really call to the surface. Do you genuinely believe that this was, that you could have controlled the outcome here? Well, if I was just this, then they wouldn't have left.

So you think you have that much control over other people that you just had to have been perfect. So is that how you felt when you were a kid? Well, if I just stopped having emotions, maybe my dad wouldn't have walked out on me. That doesn't mean there's facts there. Feelings aren't facts. You cannot control other people. Similarly to these people. Imagine if someone said, oh, well, if I had just said it nicely to Sabrina, maybe she would have stopped cursing and changed the way she spoke.

It's like, bitch, you could say it to me in 20 different languages. It ain't going to happen. That doesn't resonate with me. I'm not going to change for other people because they don't like the way I do things. And so we have to be really cognizant and aware of that. Why you're hung up on somebody? Reframed that. I don't like that I'm hung up on them.

Okay, what don't you like? That you're wasting your fucking time. You waste someone's time. You waste a part of their life. You're not getting this time back. Every date you go on with an amazing human that you're saying, well, you know, I'm comparing them to my ex and they were just so amazing. Really start to think about like, am I being fair to that person and to myself?

You know? And it's like somebody even asks, why do I keep repeating the same cycle of hanging? out with this guy and then he ghosts me after. And it's like, well, first of all, that's not ghosting because you keep doing it. So first off the bat, that's the problem. You're putting this into your head. I keep getting ghosted. How you keep getting ghosted if you keep hanging out with this person? What it is is that your self-esteem is so low that you believe this is all your worth. You think that's it. So I'll just, I'll take what I can get. There's no one else. I don't know when I'm going to meet somebody else and I'm already in my 30s and I might not

meet anyone else, but let me just get there. They're here, right? And I can just make them what I want them to be. Mixed in with then the amygdala going right back to being a child, feeling helpless, feeling out of control, feeling scared to set boundaries, feeling scared to take up space because doing that meant I wasn't safe anymore. Means I could be hurt. It means I could lose somebody. The difference is you're an adult. You don't get abandoned in your adult life. Being abandoned means that you would be susceptible to danger. Somebody breaking up with you isn't abandoning you. How is that abandoning? How are you susceptible to any danger? You're a grown-ness adult that gets to go back home. And so we have to frame. And we also have to look at as like, what did you think, did you think that person was going to

come to save you? What did you think that was going to happen if you got this person? That's a question I like to ask. What do I think is going to happen if I get them? I'm going to have what? Love, peace, all those great. I do deserve all of those things. Just not from that person. Getting someone to change isn't going to all of a sudden make all of those. And we have, this is a tile as old as time, very Freudian, that if I can just get the emotionally unavailable person now, then it'll make up for all the shit I went through. Now let me tell you, it doesn't pan out. Because I remember when my ex and I said, if I could just get him and I can just get him because he was like my dad. And I thought, oh, if I could just be with him, it'll just make all that go away. You know what it did? It exacerbated

it even more. It made me feel even worse because it was exactly the shit I had been dealing with growing up, growing up, growing up. It didn't change any of that. It just made it worse. It's just a reality, guys. So I hope that this was able to help you guys because I think a lot of you guys are hung up on the know because it's reaffirming those core beliefs or something wrong with you. So let me just convince them. See, then I'm worth it. Because look at the people that do say yes to you. Yeah, I hear it all the day. Well, yeah, but like I just didn't connect with that person. It's like, you probably didn't want to connect with that person. It's too easy. Feels too safe. No, no, no, no. You're into me. I don't like this. Of course,

there's also times where like it's just not the right match for you, right? Like, just because someone's nice to you doesn't mean you have to date them. But we really have to unearth, what am I so hung up on. What am I really, really holding on to here? Because if we know cognitively that somebody who doesn't want you, like, if it attacks you who you are, you're going to be stuck on them for a long time because it's not about them and it's about you and it's about the core beliefs coming up. And so anytime if I get, I've gotten those rejections, I've gotten those emails, those DMs, those things that you're like, ouch, that fucking hurt. Talks about rejection. Somebody's attacking me for who I am. Yeah, I might feel it. And I'll be like, ooh, I feel like a kid again.

again. You know what's sad? It's okay. You're going to get through this and I'm here to fucking support you and I'm here to be by your side. And I know it's feel shitty and that's okay. You're allowed to feel shitty but that doesn't also mean that there's anything wrong with you. And if I feel like there's something wrong with me, I'll allow it and I'll sit with that feeling and I'll allow it to process and I'll close my eyes. I'll just set my clock for three minutes and just sit with it. Where is it in my body? How does this feel? What's the narrative? And just being aware of it and then after starting to challenge like, okay, well, it came up for me. I think a lot of you guys are so terrified to get curious because getting curious means you got to get uncomfortable.

Getting uncomfortable means we have to go back to memories we don't like. Yikes. But that's where the magic happens. That's where the beauty happens. It doesn't mean that after you have that awareness, you're going to come out and be like, I'm fine. It just means now that you can respond and not react. You can come from the adult and not the child that just need to you. It doesn't need anybody else.

So, guys, I hope that this was a helpful episode and our first into the Sabrina Zohar show after all. We had to kick it off with a bang. And guys, as always, thank you. Thank you for showing up as you so you can allow me to show up as me. Please share with your friends. Let them know that the podcast name has changed. Same. Everything is the same besides the fucking name. And now we can explore a little bit more, right?

I get to share a little bit more about you because it's the Sabrina Sohor show. So I'll do more solos and I'll show up for you guys in different ways. And all I ask is you do the same, right? I can't show up for you guys if you don't show up for you and for me. It's only fair. So guys, thank you for everything, and I hope you have the best week. And until next time.