The Sabrina Zohar Show - 89: Why You Overthink And How To Stop

Episode Date: August 2, 2024

Sabrina shares her journey with overthinking, explaining that it often arises from the brain's attempt to protect us through fear and coping mechanisms learned in childhood. This process involves the amygdala's fear response, which can shut down the prefrontal cortex, causing further overthinking and misinterpreting neutral signals as negative in dating, leading to a self-fulfilling prophecy of rejection. To combat overthinking, Sabrina suggests identifying triggers and recognizing patterns, practicing mindfulness, engaging in brain-stimulating activities, and using cognitive behavioral therapy to reframe negative thoughts. She emphasizes validating feelings while learning to trust oneself, noting the difference between overthinking and intuition. Overthinking can cause analysis paralysis, fear of rejection, negative self-talk, unrealistic expectations, and inhibition of spontaneity, eroding self-confidence and preventing authentic interactions. By addressing root causes, fostering self-compassion, and being curious about triggers, individuals can manage overthinking, enjoy relationships, and show up more fully in their lives without constant fear of negative outcomes. Join the Make It Make Sense: Getting Through a Breakup course  HERE! Stuck After the Podcast? Master Implementation in 8 Weeks with Sabrina's Foundation Course HERE! Get Ad free and 2 Bonus episodes a month HERE! Want to work with Sabrina? HERE! Don't forget to follow Sabrina and The Sabrina Zohar Show on Instagram and Sabrina on TikTok! Video now available on YOUTUBE! Disclaimer: The Sabrina Zohar Show, formally known as Do The Work, is not affiliated with A.Z & associates LLC in any capacity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

The ride that steals the spotlight every time it hits the road, that's the Volkswagen Tiguan. Its sleek exterior makes a first impression you can't ignore. Step inside to find available full leather seats and wood accents. Under the hood, the available 201 turbocharged horsepower engine gives it a fun to drive edge. The refined Tiguan, you deserve more style. Visit vw.ca to learn more. SuvW, German engineered for all. Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to another episode of the Sabrina Zohar show. My name is Sabrina Zohar and I am your host. We are back for another solo. The last solo was a very emotional one for me. Well, off camera more so than it was on camera. But I'm excited. I'm excited to come back. I really do love the solos. And today we're going to be talking about overthinking. How overthinking is not helping you, what it's doing, how it's affecting your mind. And I'm going to be sharing some personal shit, y'all. Been really.

struggling lately, so I'm excited to have a little bit more of a vulnerable episode with you guys. So guys, as always, thank you, thank you for everything. Please don't forget, let's do some housekeeping. Don't forget, leave a rate in a review. We're falling on the charts and there's not much we could do about it because such is life, right? But still, please, please, please leave a five-star review if you think it's worth it. And if not, that's okay, you're allowed to leave whatever review you'd like. Just please remember the language that we're using. Guys, the new course is out. The breakup course with Britt is out. We did a pre-order. It was amazing. And this is something we put so much love into because we genuinely want to help you guys.

So there's the breakup course, there's the foundation course now. There is support wherever and whenever you need it. You don't have to get both. You don't have to get anything. But it is an option and it is an opportunity now to be able to effectively move on and or get ready to date and build a really solid foundation. And guys, as always, thank you, thank you for everything. Thank you to our subscribers who are subscribed. It is $7 a month and it means more than you will know.

You guys get two bonus episodes every month. You got either an implementation series or another episode if you guys request it and it asked me anything with tech guys. We answer all of your questions that you guys write in. We do our best at least to answer as many of them. And yeah, you guys get everything ad free. So every episode we have ever made and we'll continue to make will be ad free for you as well. So everything will be linked in the show notes. Please don't forget to follow along the Sabrina Zohar show on Instagram, formally as the do-the-work podcast insta. It's the same one. Nothing's changed but the name in Sabrina.org and talk and Instagram if you want more. So guys, without further ado, let's get right on into it, shall we? Okay. Welcome back to another week, guys. I wanted to come with us together this week to talk about something I think that's really, really important, and that's this overthinking and being in our head and just what do we do about it? What causes it? What's going on? And really how this overthinking is really actually so much more detrimental to your dating life and just your life in general. And like, guys, I'm going to be honest. Like, I've been struggling. Mama's been really struggling. And I think a lot of you guys have reached out to me like, hey, I haven't

really seen you or like I've only been seeing a video here and there. Like, is everything okay? And it's like, like anything else, I'm a human. And as a human, I've been in my fucking head constantly. Like this past Sunday or a couple weeks ago now at this point, tech I and I were together and it was after the rebrand. And like, frankly speaking, I went through like a whole identity crisis, you know, like I had been so set on where I was going that almost being, not almost, being forced to change my direction, you know, similar to like when someone breaks up with you or you get a divorce, like we all know that when you were thinking you're going one way and then all of a sudden you're like, fuck, I guess that's not in the cards for me. It's a tough adjustment. And it was the weekend and he was shutting down and I was feeling anxious and it was crazy because, for the first time in years. Like I've gotten so good at, you know, Masha shared, it takes, what, 300 repetitions for your body to remember a movement, but it takes 3,000 repetitions of something for our brain and our body to accept it, like new programming. And I've gotten so

much better at like quieting the chatter and knowing what I need to do to support myself and how can I show up for myself and what can I do. But this was one of those days that I didn't. And it brought me right back to the old version of me. The one that had every worry, everything, if you guys have not seen Inside Out 2, you need to go see it because that was me, that little anxiety in there. And I'm going to ruin it for some people, but at one point, I'm not going to ruin it.

She just says one thing. And the little anxiety says, I was just trying to protect her. And we have to remember all of these intrusive thoughts, all of this trying to convince ourselves of this narrative is all to protect you. You're not broken. There's nothing to fix. There's nothing wrong with you. Your body is scared. Your body senses a danger. And whether that danger is accurate or not, right? Whether that means that there's genuinely somebody that's going to hurt or that it perceives that you're going to get hurt,

as we've learned with the brain and neuroscience and everything like that amygdala, right? Like we go back into feeling like a child. And to being able to utilize our prefrontal cortex and decision-making common sense, that executive functioning, it's so important. And this was a day I did not have it. And I overthought, like, to the point where, like, we hate, our landlord's a fucking asshole in our house and he doesn't give a shit about his house, apparently. And so, like, even down to the point where I was like, oh my God, when we move, but who's going to, who's going to be our referral? Like, how am I going to get another house after this? Like, that's the type of worry I had. Everything. And I kind of just allowed it. And I just, I was like, okay, it started to remind me of that, that noise.

that white noise that was in my head constantly alerting me of a danger, a danger, a danger, a danger, protect. And I allowed it and tech guy was having his day. He was in his super avoiding phase, like he's a human. Some days you're going to shut down. And truthfully speaking, from then on, I've been dorsal. And normally I'm so sympathetic. Normally I have all that energy and I'm, you know, the fucking Tasmanian devil running around the house. And for this week, it was, I was shut down. I was, everything was overwhelming. Any thought of like, oh God, I have to record a video. And all to say is like, it's normal you're a human. You're going to have days where you're like, oh my God, my thoughts are you trying to kill me? You know, like I have one of my clients that I'm so

obsessed with and I love her to death. And she had a day like that where everything, every tone, every text she got from the guy she's dating, well, but this looks like this and this looks like this. And instead of berating her and shaming her and saying, what are you doing? Why are you making this up? Of course, I validated her. I was like, listen, given what you've been through, it would make total sense that you would be concerned that potentially maybe you're losing this connection. But based on what you've shared with me, I don't perceive the threat perhaps that you do. Now, can you tell me what you see as a factual piece of information here that you see as this means this? And it yielded significantly better results. We got her prepped. We got her ready to have a conversation. Conversation was great. We move on

with our lives, right? And she gained the clarity that she needed from the person she's saying, and now they're going to have their date. And they've been seeing each other for a minute. So this isn't like a first or second date. But all that to say is that it doesn't mean that there's something wrong with you because your brain is going in a thousand different directions. It doesn't mean that you have to shame yourself or blame yourself for being like, oh my God, I'm driving myself fucking insane. And I have so many thoughts.

It's like we have to look at what parts of you are trying to come out. What parts of you are trying to protect you? What parts of you are coming out saying, I'm scared and I need something right now. Right? Like we have a little, a lot of compassion. And you know what? I'll be honest with y'all. I didn't on myself. I didn't. I had my session with Masha and we talked about everything. And she said, you know, it's interesting. Do you notice how you've said, have you spoken to yourself as if you're, you know, a monkey at a fucking circus and you have to perform and you have to do everything for everybody else? And I just got so in my head of, you know, you perceive that you're losing something and you almost lose yourself as well. And you're like, but what do I do? But that was my security blanket. And all of that to say, it brought me back home to myself. It allowed. allowed me to realize I have been overworking Sabrina to the bone for the last year and a half since I started everything. I haven't taken a break. I haven't taken a day off. I haven't taken a

vacation. Even vacations we take are content fueled. I don't know what it feels like to just say, no, enough is enough. And I'm doing that. In a couple weeks, I'm taking 10 days off. I will still be creating content, of course, but like no clients, no nothing over the holiday, over our last summer holiday, because it's time for me to also ask, what do I need here? right? Like all this overthinking is worries, worries, fears, fears. So then what do I have control over? And that's usually for me personally, anytime I start to overthink, the first thing I start to notice is what's happening in my body. I can feel my heart is racing. I feel tightness in my chest. My neck is starting to cramp up. I'm sweating like a fucking whore in church. I start to bodily reactions, right? Like I start to feel it. Then I start to be like, okay, what are the concerns that I have right now? And so for instance, my landlord, right? Oh my God. but then how are we going to get a referral when we want to move? I stopped and I said, okay, Subrida, let me ask you a question.

Is that something you can solve right now? No, you've got another like 10 months in your house. You guys are staying. You have plenty of time to figure this out. Is that something that you can figure out in this moment? No, it's not. How is this serving you? It's not.

It's just causing you to fear more. Okay, so then what do I need right now? And you know what? I know a lot of you guys, the answer is usually like, I just need to text that person. I just need a reassurance. I just need to talk to them. No, no, no, no.

It's not an external need. what do I need right now? You know what my answer was? I remember holding my phone and I wrote, not this. I wrote, I said. I was like, not this. And I put my fucking phone down. And instead I say, you know what I need right now? I need to cuddle with my partner and I need to get some goddamn water because your girl was thirsty, right? Basic needs. What do I need to go for a walk and move my body? I did that this morning. I was like, ah, I need to just move for a few minutes. Felt better. Came back. And so again, it's not that there's anything wrong with anybody. It's just that we don't really know how to tend to our own needs because a child, how could you? As a child, you were contingent upon other people satisfying

your needs. If your caregivers weren't there to give you food, water, shelter, what were you going to do? Clothing, all of those things. You are literally shit out of luck. But then we have to remember those coping mechanisms of overthinking as a child. But what if mom doesn't come back? But what if we don't do this? But but but but but, but right? As a child, your brain is like, oh my God, you poor thing, I need to keep you safe. There is no adult in the room. Now, as an adult and dating as an adult, we have to step into that part and say, okay, well, I do have control of this. You know, I think the number one question you guys asked was like, how do I stop overthinking? And it's like, I wish it was just an easy like, oh, just do this, as if you just fucking turn off a TV, right?

I was even talking to my therapist today about it of just, we were talking about like so many people, and I'm not going to say this specific one. You know, you guys know me. I don't like to trash talk anybody, but I will say it's a specific school institute type thing that's very well known. And I had so many people that were like, well, I'm going to go do this four-day course there and I'm going to be healed. all of this and I'm going to have this life-changing experience because they're great at marketing and they pitch you as if in four or five days, oh my God, you're going to do this intensive and you're just going to be healed. Sure enough, my therapist was like, I cannot count on all of my body parts, how many clients I've had that come from that saying, I don't get it, I don't feel any different.

And it's like because this takes time. That's the one thing I think a lot of people are fucking lying to you about. This is going to take time. This is, you have protectors in your brain. Do you think that they're just going to be like, oh, oh, she's good now. We're fine. Or he's good. They're okay. I can sit back. You survive to this point because of them.

So we have to look at the overthinking and this constant rumination as, okay, it is a, it's trying to protect me from something. And if we get curious enough and if you're working with the right person, like that's why I love therapist and coach and having someone you could talk to, yes, can you do a lot of work on your own? That's why I created the foundation course. That's why the course is there. It's to give you that tools and the, but.

but ultimately, because a lot of therapists won't talk about inner children and all those types of things. And it's okay. Like everybody has different schools of thought, right? But eventually, you can't just, oh, I'm just going to go do this or I'm just going to download this free guide. Or if I just listen to every podcast, it's like if you've listened to as many as we as we are right now, 80 something, almost 90, I think. And you're still saying I don't get it. It's not as, it's not for a lack of information. You're not an idiot.

You're not stupid. It's a lack of implementation. And I get this every day. Look, I just need more. What can I do now? And it's like what you could do is utilize the tools that you've been using. Tools doesn't mean that it has to be something grandiose. Tools could be taking a breath, going for a walk, eating something, letting the sun hit your face, talking to your friend. That's a tool right there. That helps you to get you to the space that you need to be. And I really, it was wild. Like I really, I've been struggling with this like imposter syndrome, this I have to grow, I have to grow, I have to get bigger. People have to like me. And that really stems from. from childhood that stems from coming from a family where the men in my life put me down quite a bit. The men in my life, sure, yeah, yeah, you could do it, but can't she? You know, behind your back. And then I had my sister who completely shut down. My sister was not a sister to me for many years and

we're rebuilding our relationship, but we were not at all. And so I was stuck with my own thoughts so fucking often as a child that that's why I was delusional. That's why I would do escapism. That's why I would have fantasies and I played Barbie all the time and I would play out and act out in my room all of these scenarios that somebody was going to come and fucking save me.

And when Little Sapp realized when Little Sapp realized that no one was going to come for her she started getting really scared realizing that at the end of the day does anybody accept and love me for me or does everybody just want me to change

to be what they want me to be? And so then you have anxiety and this heightened moment where, who God, every time I talk about her, she just comes right out. And you have this heightened emotion and sensitivity. And we start to go into these protector parts, but could be that you just didn't have anybody

that you needed to help you quell those thoughts. And so maybe I can help you with that. And I've done a little research. I love you, little sad. I just want to take a second to say that because I haven't. I only love her when she does a good job. But when she fucks up or when she does something silly or stupid or, you know, I won't even say stupid.

Just not what I think it should be. I start to overthink and treat myself as other people have because overthinking allows me to keep myself safe. I can think of every worst case scenario. I broke this down into the science of overthinking, how to actually stop overthinking, and then eight reasons why we overthink. So the first is the science, right? I'm big on science, and I'd love to share that with you. So first we have the amygdala hijack.

And now it's a terrible name. I don't like it either. Britt Frank, anytime she's on, she's like, ugh, it's such a shitty name. We don't want to hijack, but fine. So our amygdala is our brain's fear center. And that is why that stopped growing when you were sick. So all of those fears.

So like little sad when she knew there was no one that was going to come take care of you. There wasn't anybody that you could genuinely rely on. Girl, you're on your fucking own. You better figure this out. That is, you know, we have to think about like when you get dysregulated, let's like, let's just kind of go over some basics. When you get dysregulated, what is that? Cue to your nervous system that you're in danger, right?

You're dysregulated, there's a threat. You, your prefrontal cortex shuts off and you go back into the amygdala and the limbic part of your brain, as Britt was explaining with the office building, if you listened to last week's episode. And it's about, you know, what the executive functioning gets turned off. and then everything under it. I think Britt said that. She said it in the course, but whatever.

Anyways, I'll go ahead and explain it again in case it wasn't in the actual fucking episode. But like Britt Frank says, the executive functions are the top floor, right? So those are all the people in the penthouse that have the fancy water and the nice suits. And then the inmates that are running the asylum are below, and those are all the parts of you.

And so the executive functioning, when that shuts down, so when you get dysregulated, notice how if you're disregulated and there's a tiger running after you, the last thing you're thinking about is how hungry you are, right? Or decision making,

your only thought is like, I need to be safe because your body is beautifully designed to keep you safe. It just unfortunately doesn't understand that technology and dating is not actually a tiger. And so when the prefrontal cortex is shut down, all of those parts of you are the ones the inmates are running the asylum. All of those parts of you are taking control. So that's what they call a migdala hijack. So think about the top floor completely goes shut off and you're just coming from fear. Notice how sometimes you're like, man, I don't know where that came from, right?

It's like, but there's a little girl or boy in there that does, a little they. And so when the amygdala, the fear center gets, can get overly stimulated during dating, creating anxiety and a negative bias. So in a 2019 study by Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett and her team at Boston University showed how increased amygdala activity correlated with misinterpreted neutral interactions as negative. Good morning. I cannot read. So essentially what that's saying is like the overthinking. So when your amygdala gets fired on and that's all that you're coming from, it can actually. absolutely misinterpret very neutral cues. So like I was explaining, I'm a client, that

she started to overthink all of these terrible things that it meant. When I read the text and I was like, I don't see a problem in this. Like, this is how he always talks to you. I've seen a million of these screenshots in the fucking year that I've been working with her. I was like, this is nothing new. And, you know, the course of different people that she's dated up and long in the way. But that's what I mean by like, you don't see it clearly. And so for me, when I notice I'm overthinking, the first thing I say to myself is like, Sab, you're not. coming, you're not here right now. You know, I, I just make the awareness of you're offline and that's okay, right? So the second aspect of this is the prefrontal cortex paradox. So the prefrontal cortex

responsible for rational thoughts gets put on hold when the amygdala is fired up. Again, the prefrontal cortex is shut off. So this makes it hard to step back and see things clearly leading to more overthinking. A research at UCLA in 2007 suggested that the amygdala can temporarily hijack our rational thinking process. So amygdala hijack, it shut. shutdown, prefrontal cortex is offline. Ways that you can even bring your prefrontal cortex back on is identifying. So I'm overthinking right now. I'm very anxious.

You just turn that back on. It's the executive function is, oh, okay, I'm very anxious right now and I think I'm overthinking. Okay, I'm aware of it, right? And we'll get into steps later of like, what do you actually do with that? So then we have the psychological impacts of overthinking. So the self-fulfilling prophecy, all too well. So when we fixate on negative outcomes, we become overly cautious and guarded. So this can make us seem withdrawn or disinterested, ultimately leading to the very rejection

we feared. So the misinterpretation of cues as well. And that was also from a 2018 study that they saw that those self-fulfilling prophecies. So when we overthink and we start to see what, then notice how it's like, well, but they were acting different. So then you start attack different. Oh, well, why should I have to say anything to them? I've already done this.

I've already expressed to myself to them. and they're not listening. So then you start to act or he didn't answer me. Fine. I'm going to not answer them back. And it's like, okay, it ends up being a self-fulfilling prophecy because your vibe and your energy is totally different and off to this person. And then we can't wonder why they're like, hey, something feels off.

So misinterpretation of cues. Over-analyzing text and interactions can lead to misreading intentions. So that's the thing. It's like because of these cues being off, somebody just simply being like, hey, how are you? well, you didn't say it with a period or you put a period at the end. You didn't put a smiley face. That's that hypervigilance of looking at every single thing in analyzing. Wait, wait, but this is different, but this is different, but this is different.

But they normally text me at 9 a.m. and it's 10 a.m. What were they doing? And it's like, I don't know. Being a human. Right? And again, I'm never going to gaslight anybody here into being like, oh, you guys are like making this into more than it is. Or no, that's not real.

if you have a feeling, that is very real. But that doesn't mean that those feelings are facts. That doesn't mean that. So if I feel this person's pulling away, I can feel that. But that doesn't mean it's a factual information. That doesn't mean I, it'd be one thing if I was like, this person's pulling away. What are the facts to back that up? Well, we used to talk every single day we've been dating for six months and now I haven't heard from them in a week.

It's like, okay. Or I used to see this person twice a week every week and now all of a sudden they're busy and they're inconsistent and they stop texting me. It's like, that's a very clear like, here are the facts to show. the disconnect between where we were to where we are now. And I think more often than not, a lot of you guys will write in and it's like, you're filling in the blanks. Oh, this person ended it after one date and then, is it because like they were over me? Was it? I was just a fantasy. Was it this? Was it this? And it's like, I don't fucking know because humans are very complex. I wish it would just chalked up to a bumper sticker. Again, why I hate if he wanted to,

he would. Those are ridiculous statements. By sweeping generalizations, everybody's the same. So every person's going through the same trauma, through the same struggles. Every person has the same thought process, apparently. When we utilize these sweeping generalizations of if he wanted to, he would. Or if they like you, you know, if not, you'll be confused. And it's like, I don't know, dating's really fucking confusing. I didn't think Ryan liked me for a little bit of time because he's more shut down. All I had to do was get curious and ask a fucking question.

And what I find those statements do is they remove accountability from ourselves and make it, no, it's them. And yes, is it actually sometimes them what they're going through? Absolutely. But we also need to take ownership and accountability of our part. Right? Like, I love y'all, but stop making excuses for people's bullshit behavior. Stop thinking your way out of things and instead start fucking feeling it. You want to know why you start overthinking. You're fusing to understand what's happening in your body. Your brain is turning on saying, well, if I can intellectualize this, then I can keep her safe or them safe. I'm going to talk in the hers because it's me. But at the end of the day, your brain is only trying to keep you safe. It doesn't actually understand the situation of what's going on in the lay of the land. It sees a tiger. It knows a tiger. It doesn't know that this guy is some dude you met on hinge for fucking 12 minutes. Or that this is a partner you've been with for two years, right? Like it can't really differentiate between that.

It just knows she's felt this before, do the same thing. Again, the amygdala, fear. It's all coming back. So now let's talk about some questions. So how he's top overthinking was the number one. And so first off, we have to identify your triggers. So the limbic system. So neuroscientist Joseph Ledeau, I hope I said his name right,

propose that emotional responses originate in the amygdala, bypassing the prefrontal cortex, rational thinking center. So in some cases, identifying situations like an unanswered text, post-rejections that trigger your amygdala and lead to overthinking. So it happens because that's literally your brain is like bypasses the prefrontal cortex. It goes right back to the little girl is reading those texts or the little boy is reading those text. That's why sometimes we bypass even being like, huh, I mean, is that accurate? No, we just go right into like guilty until proven innocent, right? So for that, when we start to realize,

okay, I'm just going right to black and white thinking. I'm going right to the negative, right? Right to that. What I would suggest is for an entire week, notate the situations that trigger the overthinking. So start to look at like what are the patterns, right? So if it's consistently, wow, I always overthink when it comes to like two days after I've seen this person. Huh, that's interesting. I wonder there's something here. That space makes me feel really uncomfortable. Just taking a note of it.

You don't have to create a narrative. Oh, that sounds really fucking stupid, huh? You don't need to judge yourself by it. It's just about what can I do to become more aware of my triggers. Because the reality is, let me just tell you, if y'all think that this was just going to be a quick, like, oh, just do this to get this. Oh, this is how you stop overthinking. You're gravely mistaken because none of this shit is going to be shortcuts. I'm giving you the tools, but like Masha taught us, it, well, you haven't heard that episode.

Let me recapitulate what Masha taught us so that you guys know. It takes 300 reps or 300 times, not 300 reps, 300 times of doing something specific for your body to remember the movement. So like for me right now, my glutes never fired on correctly, my lower back would start to compensate and then my knees. So I was having all this weird back pain. So now that I've been working with my trainer and like having my body work and everything and making sure that I'm like showing up, you know, the best I can, And we started to note because my glutes weren't firing on. I was overcompensating in different parts of my body because I always had. So now I every single night have to do the same movements every single fucking day.

That means it could take me almost this entire year for me, my body to then naturally turn on the glute when I start to do hip thrust or things like that as opposed to my hips or my hip flexors or my different parts of my body. That's just the physical. To embody a change, meaning new neural pathways, feeling that. difference, you need to do something 3,000 times for your body to automatically do that thing. So you want to think differently? You've got to change your mindset, 3,000 motherfucking times before your brain naturally might say, hmm, maybe there's another way for me to think of this. So that's why if anybody's like, well, but I tried that and it didn't work. It's like, did you try it 3,000 times? Because I'm fairly certain you didn't. So again, it's not, you guys

don't need more. You just need to utilize what you even fucking have. Before it, let me have more, let me have more, let me have more. So the next thing, therapy, right? So the reason that I like, whether it's CBT or DBT, really what it is, it's about challenging your negative thoughts. So something that I love to do, and it's a tool that you can start to do is when a negative thought arises, I want you to start asking yourself like, first, is this thought helpful for me? So like when I start to be like, no one's going to like you Sabrina. You're never going to get it done. It's like, is this helping me. It's not. It's actually not. This is not really being, this is not great. What facts to back this up do I have? Like, is this a realistic viewpoint based on actual evidence?

Get bent if you're going to come to me saying, yeah, well, he didn't text me for five hours. So yeah, I do have evidence. No, what you have is that that person did not text you for five hours. Your thought process of it, well, no, because he must be doing this or he's doing this or he's doing this. I guarantee you he found someone else. And I saw him on Instagram it. So you know what you're doing? You're so focused on them because your body is so dysregulated and scared of getting hurt that if you can figure out what they're doing, you perceive that as control. I can control the outcome here because I'm going to see what you're doing. And I'm going to overthink my way out of this. Let me know. Has that worked for any of you guys? Didn't think so. So it's about starting to challenge. Like for me, I'm always like, what are the fact I have to back this up? Okay. What are some contrary thoughts I could put into here? So maybe it's not nobody likes me or, oh, that guy is. Maybe it's, I don't know. I have actually. I have actually. seen in the past that we have gone five, six hours between texting, and it usually is not an issue because that person's at work and has to put their phone away. Okay. Then I like to even go further of like, okay, what's happening in my body? Woo! My heart was pounding. I was schvitzing. Oh, I was just

going crazy. Okay. Have I ever felt that before? Huh. Okay. Maybe. Or how old did I feel in that moment? Like that narrative that I was saying, like, did that really feel like me? And sometimes I'm always a fan of like, give me the initial thought you have of like, I felt like I'm six. Great. What happened then? What was that experience when you were six? Oh, your caregiver used to leave unannounced and you you didn't know where they were coming back. So it scared you to think that what if they forget me? What if they leave me? What if they leave me? That triggered that little girl in me to be like, guess what? They're going to leave you. They don't like you. Versus, I haven't heard from this person in a week. All right. Well, there's not really a narrative I'm telling myself besides that doesn't work for me

and fuck this person. So a week doesn't work for me. Versus like, because I'm not good enough, I'm not worthy. It's like, no, I think you know very well. Like, that's bullshit. That doesn't work for me.

That's way too long. We have to really look at like what happens in our body and what happens with the sensations. So you can engage your prefrontal cortex. So activities that stimulate working memory like brain teasers or memory games can help strengthen the prefrontal cortex,

allowing it to better compete with the amygdala for control. So you could do crop. My grandma, Lucy, died at 100 and did crossword puzzles until the day she died. She only died because of complication she fell. Otherwise, that woman was sharp as attack. Start to do things.

Just, I don't know, fucking Sudoku, words of friends or not even the whatever, the one where you guess the word every morning for the New York Times. All of those things. Like crossword puzzles, do things for yourself to start to turn that functioning on or get really used to being like, what do I feel in my body right now? How do I feel right now? What is this emotion? Turn it back on. And then the last one is mindfulness-based cognitive therapy or just mindfulness practices. So actually, that's not the last one.

I have one more. So mindfulness practices, meditation, breathing, things like that. Like, you know, open, headspace, calm. There's a million. You can fucking insight timer. You can Google it. You can go on YouTube and find a meditation. You don't do that when you're disregulated.

If a tiger is standing next to you, are you going to be like, oh, let me meditate really quick and like, maybe he'll just go away. you have to do those practices when you're feeling more ventral, regulated, like, oh, I'm just going to start to strengthen those tools that I have. Meditating for me was huge. It allowed me to be able to put space of like, oh, that's a thought I have. Okay. Just a thought.

It goes away like a cloud. Think about even in the last 10 years. Fine, let's go. I don't know how old anybody is, obviously. It's listening, but think about the last 10 years. From five years ago, name me a person that you went on a date with that ended it with you quick. You're probably not going to, right? because in those moments, they seem so much more monumental.

And then when we actually allow ourselves the space and we're like, huh, I guess this isn't really that big of a deal. I'm not going to actually fucking remember this person. I can't even remember half the people I went on a date with or slept with when I was 22, 23. And I fuck you if you're going to come shame me. I'm fine with saying that. The reality is because my brain has way bigger things to worry about than that

bullshit. But in the moment, you worry about it. So even just remind yourself of like, okay, it's time for me to do something for myself. I'm going to meditate. Doesn't mean there has to be something wrong when I meditate. That just means I'm strengthening my mindfulness practice so that I, that I understand when a thought comes in, I don't have to believe that thought. I can just say

it's a thought and let it go by. And then the last time, set aside worry time. I do that. I'm like, all right, set your clock, 15 minutes, and then let it out. I cry, I feel, I panic. I'll even tell Ryan, I'm like, give me five minutes. Let me vent. And then I'm like, okay, that's it, we're done. That way you allow yourself. You can write this down. You can worry on your paper for 15 minutes every day. And then maybe even read it back of like, wow, is that really a way? worry now that I got it out of my head. Writing, not writing in your phone, not in your notes, writing pen to paper is significantly more effective than it is with your cell phone. And like, that's just kind of it. As far as like tools to actually start to implement into the

overthinking is like, you have got to be your own advocate. I'm not going to be able to be there and be like, hey, you know, I think you're doing it again. But if you're not able to be like, what's happening in my body, what is going on? Some of you guys will be disregulated for like two week straight and just in all of this hypervigilant until like maybe the person finally does end it. And then you're like, oh, I'm devastated. But hey, I'm so much more relieved. It's like, yeah, because that overthinking was causing that anxiety more than the other fucking person. You didn't know these people. Again, oh, somebody didn't, but I understand, but why didn't they text me? But we had a great date, but I even heard from them. I would stop me like, cool, how's this serving me?

Is this helping me? It's not. Okay. Can I do something for myself right now instead? I'd love to just go for a walk. And anytime those intrusive thoughts came in, I'd always be like, hey, I get it, Sab. Makes total sense that you're really scared right now, but I don't think that these are serving you. Talk to it like a child, because that's the version of you that's coming out. And so, of course, you know, we have,

I wanted to give you guys some more reasons as to why do we overthink? So the first, because that was a question a lot of you guys ask is like, is overthinking positive? It's like, eh, very rarely. Rarely, because your overthinking is a protective mechanism. So it's like, sure, once in a blue moon,

you might be correct on that, but like very rarely is it something where I'd be like encouraging you to overthink. I don't want you to shut down, but I also don't want you to be completely. So another person, how do you stop ruminating worst case scenario, but also prepare yourself? What I hear from that statement, that question is that you don't trust yourself. Prepare yourself for what? That this might not work out. That's just being a realist. That's just being like, hey, I don't know these people, right? Like this might not work out. That's very possible, right? Like I auditioned for a show. I had to leave it going, I can still be bummed if I don't get it,

but there's still a really good possibility that as much as they loved me, and it was an incredible casting and oh my God, they text me after. We love you and you're amazing and all that. I just haven't heard back. Okay, sure. I know I am ahead. I'm like, but did they like me? Oh my God, but Sabrina, could you have sent something different?

Maybe you spoke too much. Maybe. And I stop and I'm like, okay, can I change what happened? No. Is this serving me? No. Is this going to help the situation? No.

So instead I'm like, Sab, I get it, you're scared. That's very valid, but I need you to know that no matter what I choose you. And if you don't get it, that's all right. You're a human and we're going to be okay because we've made it through so much worse. And I'm here by your side. So like, ruminating worst case scenarios just tell me that like you don't really genuinely trust that you'll be okay. You don't trust yourself to be able to handle things effectively. And that's okay. You're a human. I'm not saying that that's a negative. But if you're ruminating on all these negative thoughts, again, you're protecting yourself because there's a little girl in there that's like there's no adult present because you're

you're not doing anything to show her that there was an adult present to go, hey, you're having a temper tantrum right now and we got to talk about that. Let's have a conversation with myself. And so that was kind of the first because overthinking, overthinking versus intuition is what somebody asked me. It's like anxiety versus intuition. Intuition, very calming. If I as a woman, am walking in New York City by Bowery Mission and there's like a thousand

homeless people outside fucking tweet. weeked out and all that. My first reaction is get away from here. That's your intuition. This doesn't seem safe. You need to go. I'm alone. I'm outnumbered. These people are on drugs. This doesn't seem safe. Versus the anxiety overthinking is it comes with a narrative. You start to go through, but what if they don't think I'm pretty enough? Oh my God, but what if I'm not smart enough? Oh my God. But what if I'm not fast enough? Can I get away? But what if they come and chase me? And how is that going to serve me? I'm thinking of all these things that may never even happen, but yet I'm not even able to be present at the fucking situation that is here.

Because we have to be able to stop and go, okay, when I start to have a narrative and a body reaction to things more than just a bitch, Ron adrenaline kind of rush, then you're not in your, you're not, you are in anxiety, you are in overthinking, you are not in your intuition. Intuition is significantly calmer. So the first thing, so the other reason, another reason that,

so here, now we're going to go into eight reasons why we overthink. One, analysis, paralysis. So overthinking can lead to analysis paralysis where you become so consumed with analyzing every aspect of a potential partner situation that you struggle to make decisions. So that stops you from being able to make decisions in your dating life. And this was from a study in 2004. And realistically, that's why like when it comes to apps and everything, it's like, yeah, sure. When I say date and keep your options open, I'm not saying date 400 people and be like,

I can't make a decision. And what I'm saying is don't give people more of your life than they have fucking earned. So if I had one date with somebody, I am not going to be exclusive with you after one date when I don't know you. But I'm also going to put myself parameters around. I'm not going to have a million options. I'm not just going to go on a date every single night with someone, even when I meet someone amazing that's trying to show me love. So when we overthink, we're giving ourselves too many things. But what if this happens and this happens and this happens and this happens and you freeze.

You don't know what to do because your brain's like, I'm scared of everything. So second's fear of rejection. So overthinking can amplify your fear of rejection, causing you to hesitate or avoid taking risks in dating. Negative self-talk. I know that you guys experience that. That when you have negative self-talk, this then erode your self-confidence and makes difficult to form meaningful connections.

These are all from studies, by the way. I just didn't think I needed to say. Unrealistic expectations. Let's talk about this one. Overthinking can lead to creation of unrealistic expectations about dating so they can set you up for disappointment. Oh, you mean like that if a guy doesn't text me every single day, then if they don't do this and they don't do this and they don't do this, it's like, let me guess you don't trust yourself. You need someone to show up in every way because you're not satisfying any of your own fucking needs. You can replenish dopamine and things without it being by somebody that's romantically involved with you.

At the end of the day, you have yourself. And if you're not comfortable with being by yourself, that's the first place to start here. Inhibition of spontaneity. So overthinking can prevent you from fully showing up. That's what I mean about like, but I have to say this and I have to say this and I have to say this. It's like, no, how about you just show up authentically? And if somebody's not into it, it's like, okay. It causes you to over analyze communication, which is what we were talking about the texting.

It can say every word you're like, I have to know. Because again, you don't trust yourself that you're like, hey, I'm going to take this for face value and I'll figure it out. or hey, what's going on in my body? Does this, does this bother me? Does this upset me? Is this hurting me? Okay, so is this serving me? Right?

Fear of vulnerability. So when you're scared, when overthinking intensifies the fear of vulnerability because it makes it challenging to open up to somebody and be emotionally available in relationship because you're so fucking scared of messing up or doing something

or saying the wrong thing or what if I'm going to get hurt, what if I'm going to get hurt? You don't actually even allow things to happen. And then you're scared of being vulnerable because you're like, I don't trust myself. I can't open up. I think of every worst case scenario. And the last thing is, you miss a lot of opportunities. You do. You don't get to experience the world. You don't get to

experience people showing up for you in different ways. You know, overthinking, it leads to like self-doubt, rumination. Like, it's constantly questioning, analyzing every interaction. Like, you guys know it. But did he mean this or did he mean this? But they said this, but did they mean this? And it's like, because sometimes it's also really, really hard to accept and receive. Maybe that person really does like me and it's not for anything else besides they like me. And maybe they don't, right? Like the flip side, it's hard to be able to acknowledge and be like, oh, I can hold two conflicting thoughts. I can think that this person's great and also know that they might not be interested in a relationship with me. And that doesn't mean it has to do anything with me. But again, overthinking,

I want you to start to look at what am I trying to protect myself from? When I started to overthink on the weekend and everything. I was trying to protect myself from feeling like I did when I was a kid when my dad would take money away and we would be left without anything and we didn't know if he was going to come home or not. And then seeing my mom begging him for fucking money to go buy groceries and him saying, giving her a $20 bill and seeing my mother break down saying, you know, I can't buy groceries for five people with $20 and begging him for our basic needs to be met and then him being upset that he had to take care of those basic needs. That's why I got scared, not because anybody did anything to me,

not because there's something wrong with me, but because that overthinking allowed me to avoid looking at that hurt little girl that needed me. And that overthinking allowed me to ruminate and spiral on all of these things that could happen, thinking, well, see, Sabrina, you've just never kept yourself safe. And it's like, yes, I have. Trusting myself has kept me safe, knowing, eh, I don't know,

getting really in touch with my gut. I don't love that. Speaking up when something bothers me, hey, I don't appreciate that. and knowing the difference between, oh, I'm so in touch with my body, I know that this is anxiety and that this is not something anyone he did. And it's like, overthinking can lead to increased relationship dysfunction. So to answer that, is it ever good?

No. It just has, it causes you to have higher anxiety and stress and then you're not actually able to connect to somebody because you're so worried that they're going to leave you or they're going to hurt you. Okay. Have you, that's like getting into a car, again, I use this example all the time. That's like getting into a car accident and then saying I'm never going to get into a car again. It's like, that's not the case.

I've met a lot of people that have had terrible accidents. They still go back into a car, right? Like you can get your heartbroken and still go back out there. Having a guard up and a wall up doesn't actually help anybody. I want you to know yourself, to be able to regulate your emotions and to be able to differentiate and discern what do I actually need right now and what am I overthinking my way out of feeling right now. that's to me. And again, it all just goes back to the amygdala and it also starts to increase our cortisol being released. So as far as I'm concerned, I'm just going to kind of close this down

and give you some final thoughts. If you're struggling with overthinking, we need to start to address what are you overthinking? What's coming up for you? What are ways that you can stop that chatter? I've gotten so good at stopping that narrative. And when I don't, that's okay. I show myself compassion. I'm like, ooh, I just overthought for 12 minutes, didn't I? It's okay. I'm a human. I'm allowed to. I'm allowed to have all of these emotions and feelings, and I don't shame and blame myself. I allow myself fully to show up. And that's just my hope for you guys. Again, please do not blame and shame yourself for this. Look at it with compassion of, oh, there's someone trying to protect me in there. Think of the one person in your life that speaks to you.

link of the one person for me, it's my mom that accepts you for you, that loves you no matter what, that to them you could do no wrong because they just want you happy. How would they speak to you? If you were ruminating and all that, would they say, yeah, you're right, you're a dumb fucking idiot. No wonder you'd do that. Or would they say, hey, you're being really hard on yourself. Where's that coming from? You're doing the best you can.

You don't need to drive yourself insane. Maybe we could do that for ourselves. and know that overthinking ain't helping you. And also know that you're a human. You're going to have some days like me, some weeks where you're like, hey, I'm drained. I have nothing to give. I can't really show up as anything. I text Ryan this morning and said, I am at zero.

I need you to know as a partner today, I've got nothing. And it was very sweet. He went to go get groceries. He brought flowers. He has a date night planned for us because he knew I needed him. And the other day when he needed me, I gave him all the space he needed. And I was like, you do you, babe. I'll remove myself.

So we can find a. balance here. It's just about have we found that balance within ourselves to accept and love and know that we're just trying to protect ourselves. So guys, thank you for another week. Thank you for sitting with me. Thank you for listening this far. I hope you guys all like the episodes. And thank you so much for being part of the Sabrina Zoharshow family. Until next time, guys.