The Sabrina Zohar Show - 93: Taking Things Personally

Episode Date: August 23, 2024

In today’s solo episode, Sabrina dives into why people take things personally and how to stop doing so. She shares a personal story about being ghosted and the person later reaching out to apologize to emphasize that a lot of the time, it’s about the other person and not you. Sabrina talks about how taking things personally often stems from assuming something about the other person, which can trigger core wounds and childhood experiences where you might have blamed yourself. This reaction can serve as a way to either shift blame or control the narrative, but it ultimately hinders your growth. To overcome this, she advises slowing down, being curious, and practicing self-awareness to better understand your own emotions. Understanding your attachment style and cognitive biases can also help, as they influence how you interpret others' actions and events. Sabrina highlights the role of the amygdala in emotional responses and how social rejection can feel like physical pain due to its evolutionary roots. Ultimately, she encourages listeners to focus on their self-worth, establish healthy boundaries, and not let others dictate their value, reminding them that self-worth comes from within, not from external validation. Struggling with a breakup? Join the Make It Make Sense: Getting Through a Breakup course from Sabrina and Britt Frank HERE! Stuck After the Podcast? Master Implementation in 8 Weeks with Sabrina's Foundation Course HERE! Get Ad free and 2 Bonus episodes a month HERE! Want to work with Sabrina? HERE! Don't forget to follow Sabrina and The Sabrina Zohar Show on Instagram and Sabrina on TikTok! Video now available on YOUTUBE! Disclaimer: The Sabrina Zohar Show, formally known as Do The Work, is not affiliated with A.Z & associates LLC in any capacity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to another episode of the Sabrina Zohar Show. My name is Sabrina Zohar, and I am your host. Welcome back to another solo week. I have some good news, babes. In next year in 2025, I'm going to be doing more solos because I think it's just kind of like what connects me to you guys. I love guests. Don't get me wrong. But we're going to, instead of having three guests a month and two solos, we're going to do three solos and two guests a month so that you get more of mama. So please, please, please let me know whatever solos you guys want. Feel free You can put them in the comments. You can DM, even if I don't answer, just say like solo idea.

And please, especially if I haven't made the episode, if I already made the episode before, I need a little bit more data as to what you guys want. But today, we are going to be talking about why you guys take things so personally and how to stop taking things so personally. And it's something personally I struggled with for fucking years. I thought everything was an attack against me. I thought everything was because of me. And like, yeah, it wasn't. And I actually even have a text from a dude that I used to date at conferencing. all that that I really wanted to share with you guys to give a little bit more clarity.

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Okay, babes. Well, I'm so excited. I love solo time because I get to just talk shit for 30 fucking minutes and not talk shit, but to riff off, right? And I really, this idea of taking things personal came to me because the other day I got a text out of nowhere from a dude that I dated two years ago. And by dated, I mean very, like, not actual, like, real dating. You know, we met on Raya. He lived in New York. I lived in California. And, like, of course, we matched, like, when I moved. So I was like, oh, and we kind of

have left to, like, all right, well, hey, if our paths over cross. Hello and behold, a year and a half later, I see him on Raya when I was in New York. And I was like, guess who? And so we ended up going out for drinks and we had the best time. We had such an amazing night. We hooked up. I left in the morning. And I was like, cool. Like, that was fun, you know? And I remember him saying like I'd like to pursue something here and I was like, hey, I'm not expecting that, right? Like I don't, it's okay. And when, you know, of course I was a little bummed because he was behaving in a little bit of a shitty way. But like, when I got back to California, I was very blunt with him and direct of like, hey, we don't have to do this. Like, you don't have to text me and pretend and do

all that. Like, if you want to pursue something, I'm down. If not, like, that's cool too. And he was really keen. It was texting and flirting and all of that. And lo and behold, I, like a few days later, I hadn't heard from him in a couple of days. And so I just text him like, I sent him a video. And it was a really, really vulnerable video of just like, hey, I really like you. I really enjoyed our time. But like, I'm also not expecting anything. Like, if you don't want to pursue this, that's okay. But like, I kind of would like to better, better understanding of what it is that you want and where it is that we're going, because it was very up in the year. And I never heard from him again. And it's like, yeah, that's ghosting, right?

Like, true ghosting was like, you had something. You had a con, like, we had spoken two days prior. Everything was amazing. We were hoping to see if he was going to come out to California to come and visit me and then I never heard from him. And I remember this is when I started to change the way I dated. I remember my mom being like, why do you think that happened? And I was like, I don't know, I think he had a lot of issues. And it was the first time I didn't take it personally. And then the past I always would have like, like, what am I not good enough? And do you not like me? Did you meet somebody else? No, I just was like, it happens, right? And then sure enough, this was Saturday to a week and a half ago, I get a message. And like, mind you, I'm literally

looking at the text. I wish you guys could see it. The last is of me. me, the video of me. He said, hi, I wanted to send you something because I hate the way I handled or didn't handle our communication, however long ago it was. Fully recognized, this is the most self-serving so I can feel better about it, but I do hope you understand that it wasn't anything you did, and it wasn't, it was me being immature and an asshole. This is not an acceptable excuse at all, but I can tell you the reason I didn't respond to you is I didn't see that you sent a video, and then I went to text you a few days later and realize I didn't respond to a serious video where you were open about what you were looking for and asking if I was open to that

as well, and I completely dropped the ball and reciprocating, being mature and direct. I feel very embarrassed that I did that and I apologize. You're probably thinking like, relax, dude, it's not that serious, but I've just felt like it needed to be addressed because you didn't deserve a no response after hanging out and talking, texting a bunch, and then putting your honest thoughts and expectations out there. Feel free to go and ignore this. I certainly earned it. And all I wrote him back was, I really appreciate that. Thank you so much. And at first, even my mom, she was like, where do you think that came from? And I was like, he had some substance issues. It wouldn't surprise me if this person's like doing some kind of, you know, making amends and stuff. And like, I hold space for that. And all that did was

the minute I got that text, I remember looking at Ryan going, that's the episode that we're going to do this week, because I know, I hear you, I see you, I fucking feel you guys. I know it feels so shitty when someone ends something and you're like, what the fuck. But taking it personally, very rarely actually helps because we have to really think honestly, like, especially with this, like, this guy didn't know me. How could this be something I did? And because I had been such a healthier data and I'd really been like changing the way I dated. I met Ryan like five months later after this. So like you could imagine like how the progress I was to make it this time. And yeah, I could have taken this personally, but I was like, this guy doesn't know me. Like, how could this be about me? So I had to put the release the rest. It wasn't that I wasn't good enough or worthy. I'm like, well, the reality is too that we don't live next to each other. Like, it was kind of, I saw the writing on the wall. And I just wanted to enjoy my time. It was my birthday in New York. I was alone for my birthday. And I was like, it would be nice to spend it with someone. And I did. And the reality is like, not everybody in your life has to serve a purpose in your life forever, you know? Like, not everybody that you come into your life has to be in there

forever. Some people are there just to teach us things. And some people like this were there to teach me to not take things so personally because they really at the end of the day didn't have anything to do with me. And again, it's so important that at the end when you're blaming yourself and shaming yourself to be like, well, how could this be about me? Now, yeah, there are some times. There are absolutely times where it is you where it's like, yeah, I was super toxic or I was irate or I was really difficult to deal with. Like I have worked with people in the past that when they tell me stories, I'm like, I'm sorry. It's not a that this person ended it. You know, like, especially I had one client years ago, and she was just insufferable.

Every fucking thing was an issue and everything. She was berating this guy and putting him down constantly. And after like two months, he was like, I'm fucking done. And she's out, well, of course, of course. And, you know, he's such an asshole. And she wanted to blame everything on him. And then she started saying, well, it's because I'm not good enough. It's because of this.

And it's like, no, it's because you weren't being an adult. It's because you were approaching this person like a fucking child and being really immature and coming at it irate and coming out it without. regulating your nervous system without understanding what's really upsetting you and without really coming home to yourself to be like, hey, what's bothering me? Right? Like, what's the issue here? And of course, it's like then you end up acting out and protest behavior and trying to get the connection. And then when you feel like the person's like pulling away, but we have to understand like where does that come from. So today, as you guys know, I backed up everything with some studies

and some science so that we could understand really why do we do things. And so essentially, taking things personally happens when we mind read another person and think and assume that they're attacking you and so you feel threatened. And so when you feel threatened, it's a lesser of a defense mechanism to be like, oh, well, it must be me because it's, yep, that's the default. Of course it's me. It's just easier to blame yourself because especially if like that's a childhood core wound, if you've always thought it was you, right? And like we have to also look at like, what were you taught as a child? Me personally, I was taught as a child, you're a burden. You're too much. You're annoying. You're an convenience because that's literally how I was treated. And so of course, zero to seven or zero to ten, depending on the school of thought, is called egocentric age. And essentially what that means is as a child, you have to be narcissistic. That's how children learn the lay of the land. It's all about me, me, me, and as a kid, it should be, right? Like, a kid doesn't know any better. They're making everything about them because they're learning. This is all new. And so when something happens, then of course, you internalize it as it's me. I've had clients that their parents divorce and

like, well, it's because I was a bad kid. And it's like, that might not be factual, but that's how they perceive it. So they think, well, it's all my fault. Everything is my fault. And so that can absolutely be a real, like, thought process that we have that comes from an earlier wound. And so then to protect ourselves, we start to label this person as a jerk or they're an asshole and I'm the innocent victim, right? Like, it's either, I'm the worst person ever and they're perfect and they're amazing and they didn't do anything wrong or what's wrong with me? What am I not good enough? What a fucking asshole. Was I, did this person not like me enough? What, they don't want to try hard enough so that we feel, well, I'm the victim. I was done wrong here. And it's like, uh, no,

dating oftentimes there usually really isn't always a right or wrong. Sometimes it's just two people aren't fucking compatible. And so what we want to understand is like, what did you take offense to, right? Like, where did you learn that, where did you learn this? And who taught you this behavior, right? Like, what are the gains of taking things personally? That's a really important question that we need to ask ourselves. What are the gains of taking this personally? I don't have to take accountability. I don't have to own up.

Or the pendulum swings. I can blame everything on me, and that's the perception of control. Well, if I can say that it's all me and there's something wrong with me and I'm the problem, well, then I can fix it because I have full control over that, right? Because it's me. But that's just not the case. It can't. Nothing is 100%.

And usually people will attack. either other people or themselves because they're insecure. And so when they're short-tempered, like if they've had a bad day or they've had like something, then they'll, they'll, sometimes that can be obvious, right? Where you're like, okay, this person is like clearly in a mood. But sometimes that person doesn't know. And then you're like, what, did I do something? Right? Like, how many times have you thought about the person you're dating when you see them, they're exhausted? Right. I've seen that with Ryan. We're all go down and I'm like, he's just in a mood. And sometimes I check myself and I'm like, okay, Sabrina, like, did you do anything to facilitate this? No, you were,

at your Pilates class and took clients all morning and spoken to him. And so I'll usually be like, hey, babe, like I'm noticing a shift. Like, are you okay? Is there something that you would like to share with me about me or is this a thing that you're going through? I gain clarity. Why am I going to assume it's me? But in the past, I used to. Right. And so, well, the one thing that we really need to understand is like, we have to stop trying to control everyone and force them to be nice to us. That's something I see all the time of like, well, how dare they? And it's like, they're allowed to say whatever they want. Anybody is.

And whether it's positive or negative, right? If it's disrespectful, that's on them. But then it's like, well, where did I learn that I now have to be in control of the outcome here in order for it to work for me? Sometimes we just, like with this guy, I just had to accept, like, what are you going to do? This person just wasn't feeling it with you at the time or they were going through their own thing or they were, he said, I was being an immature asshole. I hear that more often than not.

And of course, I could have taken this personally and been like, yeah, it's because I'm not good enough and I'm not worthy. And like, what, did you find another girl because you're fucking. asshole. No. All I said was that this doesn't work for me. I don't want to be with somebody where I'm vulnerable and I'm honest and expressive and they ignore me. They didn't even try. It's not like he was trying to. So something that's really, really important is we have to think of, am I reacting or I responding? Because oftentimes when we feel like we're being attacked, right, especially if it's a trigger and something that you're like, fuck, man, that's like, you know, for me, I used to like blow up

because that was behavior I learned as a kid. And so we have to stop the reactive and start the respond. So really it's like slow down, right? Like close your mouth, take a breath. Don't believe everything that you think. That's the first thing. And then it's also about getting curious because remember, your lived experience isn't everybody else's. That's what I get every day.

It's like, well, I didn't experience that. It's like, cool, that's not my lived experience. You know, when I, I sub with my partner on the first date, sure, that's not your lived experience, but that was mine. That doesn't mean that mine isn't actual because, well, I didn't experience that, so that's not real. Okay, but the chair is there. going to keep telling me because you don't see the chair, it's not there. Well, but that's,

but it's there. That's my experience. I'm sitting in it. So, well, but I've never been able to sit in that. Okay, well, that's your experience. That's not mine. Don't project your bullshit onto me, right? It's the same thing that we need to do for other people. Like, we have to be curious. Like, I wonder what's going on for them. Right? I wonder what's happening for them to make them say that to me. Could it be, is it something I did? Or are they going through something? Explanation or excuse. I'm not saying that you have to excuse the behavior. But if we can explain it of like, oh, okay, so this person's going through something and they handle it like a child. Okay, well, that doesn't work for me. But that doesn't mean that I did anything. So the first thing we want is self-awareness, right? Gain clarity and ask questions. Get curious. Curious is the word of the fucking year of the millennium.

second thing is boundaries. So it's not about me, right? Like sometimes other people are really shitty. And if someone is attacking you, it's probably not about you because typically people like when they get into a bad mood, like, I'm cranky when I don't sleep. Right? Or I'm stressed out because work is something's happening. And so I might take that out on my partner. And usually I'll stop and be like, whoa, I'm sorry. I did not mean to do that. But like I'm aware of it. But to other people, they might not be. And so instead of taking an attack of like, like, why are you being such a really? Like what? It didn't. Is it because you don't like my hair? And it's like, oh, my God, not everything's about us. And that's like the other reality is you're not a main character. I like this main character energy. And I'm like, yeah, in your own fucking movie, you're not shit to other people. So maybe your parents, right, like to family and to friends that you're really close with. But the average person, you ain't shit to them.

So what makes you believe that there's something wrong? Like, think about it. People yell at their children all the time. Does that mean that the kids are bad? Or does that mean that maybe they're stressed and overwhelmed? So that's. kind of something that we need to understand. Then the last step is like, okay, do I do something about this or do I let it go? So like if Ryan is being rude, like yesterday, I came in and he was just in a mood.

That was it. He wasn't being rude. He wasn't being disrespectful. He was just kind of like in his own world. And I saw it. And as I was trying to have conversations with him, I wasn't having it. And I was like, okay. So I removed myself and I came upstairs. And I thought about it. And I was like, okay, let me see how this pans out. And sure enough, he came up and he laid next to me and we talked and like, I didn't have to say anything. I didn't have to do anything. I didn't have to do anything. I didn't have been bothering me. I would have processed it on his own. But had that been bothering me. I would have gone down. Like, hey, here, I'm struggling with this. Or I'm not. Or I'm. Or. Or. hey, how can I support you? What are you going through? And I find that that's a big area of opportunity that we miss quite often is getting curious about other people's experiences. If somebody's in a bad mood, I'm usually going to ask like, hey, what prompt, especially, like, think about when you go to a grocery store and someone's just being a dickhead to you. You have to stop. It's like, I just walked in the lane. Like, I'm sorry, my mere existence can't be what puts you in a bad mood, but it's usually something else nine times out of ten, right? And so I

I kind of looked up, like, why do we take things personally, right? Like, let's understand it. And so the first one is like self-esteem and identity, right? So our esteem is viewed on how we identify significant roles and how we interpret feedback from others. So according to psychology here. So this is a testers self-evaluation maintenance model in 1988. So this theory posits that people are motivated to maintain as positive self-image.

So when relationships or interaction to challenge this image, we may reflect defensively and take things personally. And in another study in 2003 by Murray, Age G and Holmes, I'm trying to give you guys the studies too, that individuals with low self-esteem are particularly sensitive to rejection and perceived slights. They're more likely to take relationship feedback personally

because it threatens their already fragile self-view. So think about the story I've shared with you guys before about the girl that walked into the bar. And she walked into the bar and she was feeling self-conscious. I feel heavy. I don't feel confident. Like I think everybody is beautiful in their own way. But if you don't feel you're beautiful, I don't have a specific weight look.

I don't care. I don't care if you're a billion pounds. Well, I do care if you're a billion pounds. I would be really unhealthy for you. I don't want that for you guys. But if you're feeling your sexiest, I don't care what you look like, but you need to feel that. And so this woman wasn't. And she went in and everything was personal.

The bartender was an asshole to me because I'm fat. And it's like, what? The bartender was an asshole to you because it's New York City on a Saturday night. That's why. But that's what I mean by taking it. personally what a jerk what a dick someone cuts you off on the road what an asshole do you know these people like do you think they did that to you and then like sure enough and she was feeling super self-conscious and she left and it's like but imagine if she had come in feeling herself and being like yeah all right

so i'm i'm bigger boned i'm sexy and juicy baby i got more to suckle on if you will mama always said you don't want to fuck a bone i don't care what you look like again but i'm just saying like feel yourself because when you feel yourself then very rarely do you take things personally because you're like, I don't know, it's not about me. I know that. But you have to, but you have to notice how like, notice how when, even some of the fucking trolls I'll get, they'll take something I say so personally and, like, attack me on it. And it's like, I'm sorry, when was I speaking to you versus the other three million people

that watched this video? And when you already feel projecting, how fuck you then? And it's like, okay, so I'm the bad guy. I had that the other day, the video I made about limerence. And this guy on Facebook was like, you don't know what you're talking about with all these stupid buzzwords. Now you're making shit up. gaslighting, ghosting, the internet's so stupid. None of you know what you're talking about.

You're stupid and all this. And I was like, I stopped. And I'm like, so you're going to attack me and take this personally because I don't understand any of this. And I was like, that's the issue. Your self-conscious, because you don't get what I'm trying to say. You don't understand the psychology. That's okay. I'm not expecting it. So I'm explaining it. So then to come and I said, well, first of all, whoever used any of those words, who used gaslighting narcissists? I didn't. So stop projecting it. You're taking it personally and making me the villain because you don't understand it and you're feeling insecure about that. Okay. I don't have anything negative against this person, right? Why would I take that personally?

But he did. That's okay. That's his journey. Low self-esteem. So then the second aspect here is attachment styles, which, as we can imagine, right? So attachment theory suggests that our early relationships with caregivers shape how we perceive and react to personal and interpersonal relationships. So as part of psychology is concerned, typically people with anxious attachment style are more sensitive to perceived threats and fear of rejection of abandonment. So that's why. why everything feels like a threat, that hyper vigilance of like scanning the room for safety and constantly trying to find a problem and, well, they didn't put a period at the end of the sentence. You're like, Jesus, fuck, dude. Not everything is a threat. And I get it when you don't trust yourself, when you've always lived like that. Again, you guys know I'm not judging you.

I was her. I did come from that where everything in my childhood was a threat. I never knew when my dad was going to do things in my mom and my brother and my sister. So I get it. I was so insecure in my own thing. I was terrified of somebody rejecting me when I realized like, well, Sabrina, that's because you've been rejecting yourself this whole fucking time. And so a study, okay, I'm not even going to try to say this, whatever, in 2007, I can't read with the name. This search indicates that people

with anxious attachments now are more likely to take things personal because they're hyper aware of potential threats in the relationship. So thinking about texting, right? Well, he didn't text me because he doesn't like me or she didn't like me or whatever. They'll say they. They didn't like me and they didn't want to be with me. And they, you start creating this narrative. And then the first thing I'm like, cool, what are the facts to back that up? Aha, right? Sorry, that was a long pause. I'm still here.

We don't have any. So when we start to look at, well, how do I know this is personal? Right? So the first thing I'll ask you guys is like, how are you taking this personally? Well, but they didn't text me. Okay, there could be a gazillion, bagillion reasons why, but you're making it as bad. It's you.

It's you. Because they're a fucking asshole. And if you wanted to, he would. Right. How is that helping you? Again, we go back to these sweeping generalizations that all thought processes are the same. Everybody thinks the same. And so by saying if you wanted to, he would, you take

no accountability for your own shit, you villainize the other person, and then you're the victim. Well, they must not want it bad enough. Might not have anything to do with want. Have you looked at yourself as well? Have you also addressed, do they even want a relationship? Are they open to that? Do they have the bandwidth for that? I know so many people that want a lot of things that do not have the bandwidth for those

things. I want to be a millionaire. I'm not. So I must not want it bad enough? You want to have no anxiety. Well, you must not want it bad enough, right? There's no compassion or understanding. And what it does is it's just a quick way to just scan for not being safe and then put it on the other person as opposed to being like, oh, no, maybe it's also my anxiety.

I'm feeling so dysregulated right now that I'm creating narratives about this person so that I can feel safer. Some food for thought. Amazon presents Jeff versus Taco Truck Salsa, whether it's Verde, Roja, or the orange one. For Jeff, trying any salsa is like playing Russian roulette with a flame throw. Luckily, Jeff saved with Amazon and stocked up on antacids, ginger tea, and milk. Habaniero? More like habanier, yes. Save the everyday with Amazon.

So then we have some cognitive biases. So cognitive biases such as personalization and attribution biases affect how we interpret and react to events and situations. So that specific, so personalization, that cognitive distortion involves interpreting others' actions as being directly related to oneself. So Beck A.T. in 1967, Beck's cognitive theory of depression includes the concept of personalizations where individuals may internalize and take personally events or feedback that may not be related to them. So like, oh, if this person says, hey, I'm so sorry, I'm busy this weekend. The other person, well, because you're not interested in me. Well, if they always use the excuse busy, could be for a million things. They might just, again, not want a relationship with you. Maybe they're dating somebody else, right? But it might not have to be with, well, then you're making excuses you don't want to be with me. I will always say there is nobody busier than someone that's not interested. But that's what I mean by, is this a one-off or is it consistent? And then even if it's consistent, what makes you think that it's because of you? The only comment that could be because of you, again, maybe because you're trying to get something from someone that clearly doesn't have that to give.

You keep going trying to cash this check and they don't have the funds and you're getting upset with them for not having it. Well, but then when are you going to realize that and walk out of the bank and go to somewhere else that does? right so that personalization sure you can make anything about you but then we can also on the flip side be like but it doesn't always necessarily mean that so neurobiological factors so our brain's response to emotional stimuli and social interactions can influence how we take things personally so when we look at the amygdala activation the amygdala is involved in processing emotions including fear and anxiety remember what we talk about back there the amygdala stopped growing when you were about six or seven so that's why you store all of those deep core fears it's not things

fucking, this isn't pop psychology. This is literally how your brain fucking works. So increased activation can make individuals more sensitive to perceived threats and relationships. And then we have the prefrontal cortex functioning. So the prefrontal cortex helps regulate emotional responses. So variances in its functioning can affect how we manage those reactions. So when the prefrontal cortex is offline, there we go, the perfect norm of why you're going to be taking things personally. So there was a couple of studies done. One in 2000, Davidson, R.J. Research showing that individuals with heightened amygdala activation are more emotional. and sensitive to social cues.

And then there was another study on the prefrontal cortex that modulates emotional responses and social behavior. So, like, we have to think of, when you're heightened, when you're dysregulated, you might take your partner's thing as like, what did you just say to me? When you're regulated, you're like, where did that come from? Because you go back to the amygdala. Fear, anxiety, no, I've been through this before. This is going to happen again.

So you take it personally and you think it's about you when like, yeah, the only common denominator is you, but what you allow and how we internalize things, right? Like, I could, I've had it where clients didn't book with me again. And I started going down, I'm like, what am I not a good coach is or something wrong with me? And then sure enough, like a week later they'll book me like, sorry, I thought I booked. And it's like, oh, I took that all personally, right? I thought that was me, that I didn't do a good job. That's my own insecurity. That's not why they didn't book. And then all of a sudden, there it is. And you're like, oh, well, you're a human. So then the last aspect is social and evolution.

So evolutionary psychology suggests that sensitivity to social feedback has roots in our survival mechanisms. So historically, being part of a group was crucial for survival. So sensitivity to rejection and acceptance would have been advantageous, which makes sense. Think about it. That's why I always say you don't get abandoned in your adult life. When I hear this like, oh, they abandoned me. What the actual definition of abandonment is, is that your life would be threatened if this person left. So as a child, your parents abandon you, you would potentially die in a group.

When we were back in the hunter-gatherer phases when there's 30 or 40 people, that's the max, your tribe leaves in the morning. They abandoned you. You could be eaten by a tiger, literally, in the middle of nowhere. You have nothing. That's not the same as the dude that you went on two dates with or the girl that you had a three-month fling with, deciding that they don't want to pursue something. That's not abandoning you.

And I know, we see this all the time in the internet. Like abandonment also includes not answering your text. And it's like, no, no, no, no. that's the narrative you create it to be. But you are not unsafe. Your life isn't being threatened because someone didn't fucking text you back. And so that's where we need to like be able to differentiate. If you are your caregiver, if your husband abandoned you and left you with nothing,

yeah, your survival is being threatened. Because if you're a stay-at-home mom, you have three kids and your husband ups and leaves the middle of the night, yeah, that's abandoning your family. You left them potentially to die. Unless there's somebody that's literally. leaving you on the side of the road. Like, I'll never forget my ex when I need to go to the hospital and was on the floor crying and he stepped over me and said, get the fuck over it. You're not the only one who's ever been in pain. I have a meeting. I was abandoned then because

I thought I was going to die. But then my sister came and got me and I went to the hospital and sure enough, I had to have like a surgery and my ex was mad at me because I inconvenienced him. He had to come into the city to pick me up. Yeah. You guys don't think I've been somebody narcissistic? Think again. And so another study found that social rejection activates the same brain regions as physical pain, highlighting the evolutionary basis for sensitivity to social feedback. Guys, this isn't just, I'm making things up. Your brain is literally activating like that. And that's how it then starts to lead into romantic relationships. And we start to assume everything's me, everything's me. And so what's really important here, and like I'm getting down to some

questions that you guys have, what's really important here is to be able to understand, like, do you need to go to therapy, right? CBT, cognitive abilities. Do you need to talk to an IFS therapist, internal family systems to understand the parts work, right? Do we need to understand what parts of me are taking things personally? Where did they learn that behavior from? What is the narrative that they're creating? Can I challenge these thoughts, right? None of that can happen if you're not regulated. And again, regulating your nervous system does not mean that you're fine after that. Regulating your nervous system means you do something for a couple of minutes to bring yourself back to the present moment and turn your prefrontal cortex on. That way you're coming for more of a

logical thought process and not just an emotional brain. That's all that means is that you're giving yourself a choice. And so again, that's another common misconception. Regulating doesn't mean that when I come back, everything's fine. That would have been handling the situation. But what regulating means is that I'm able to come back and go, okay, Sabrina, you're here now. You're not six. You're not, you're not in that body. You're not in that fear. And it's okay if you are. Then let's work through that before we make any other decisions. So somebody asks, how do you still have value after being rejected? So that goes back to that self-esteem component. If you feel like you don't have value because somebody else doesn't want to date you. So you're telling me that everybody else

determines your value, your worth, and what it is that you deserve besides you. So somebody can reject me, right? Somebody on the internet can say, I don't like your videos. Does that mean I'm like, I guess I have no value? No, that sounds like a personal decision. That's okay. You know, it's all good. Go find another coach then. I wish you all the best. Same with dating. Somebody doesn't want to date you. Okay. Maybe it is personal. Maybe they don't like, I don't like your, the way you do this. Okay, well, let's say personal decision. That doesn't mean I have to change. It doesn't mean I lose my value.

And that's why I hate all the fucking clickbait on the internet these days of like, you're a high value woman or a high value man. If you do this and if you don't, it's just judgment and shame. Who the fuck has determined your value besides you? Your morals, your ethos, your ethics, your values, that's what makes you a valuable person. There are a lot of wealthy people out there that are pieces of shit. And there are a lot of people out there that have not a fucking pot to piss in. And they're incredible human beings.

And vice versa. Like, all the, the spectrum runs through. So I have to say that if your value is being determined because somebody else, well, then that's the first stop to know of like, oh, I'm taking everything personally. Everything dictates who I am, what I decide, what my mood is. It's a very, very dangerous place to be because you're allowing other people to determine who you are. And when you allow other people to do that, if you don't stand for something, you fall for everything. You know who the fuck you are. Stand in that power. Stop allowing other people that you literally don't fucking know to determine who you are. Your self-worth comes from yourself. Of course, outside perspective can influence that, but I said influence, not determine. And we have to be cognizant of things like

that because you are deserving and worthy because of who you are. But if you're as a child, you learned other than that, then of course you're going to project that into adult relationships. and now if anybody tells you that they don't want to be with you, well, that's where we need to start. Get rejected. Start realizing you don't die. Start realizing who you are and start addressing and understanding, do you even choose them?

Or are you also rejecting them as well? It's okay. I ask this to my clients all the time. I'm like, okay. So if you have somebody like, how many times I've heard like, oh, am I not worthy and deserving? I had one of my clients and she broke up with a guy. She was like, it was really nice on a couple of dates.

And I said, okay, you've said this to me before. I said, imagine if he told you, what am I not deserving? and worthy? And she was like, oh, my God, what would that have anything to do with it? I was like, mm-hmm. She just looked at me and she was like, oh, fuck. And it's like, yeah, you see what I mean? It's not always about that. And if you're, if you're on a narrative and on a loop and it's just always that, and it's like, then after a while, you have to be like, all right, it's enough. Like, it's kind of the boy who cried wolf after a while. You're like, okay, sure, you want to take this, you want to make this about you.

Okay. Okay. But at that point, it's very difficult. Think of it like a child. A kid thinks, why'd you do that to me? You're like, I didn't do that to you. Like, that wasn't intentional. But they think. everything is in a personal attack because it's all they know. That's very valid. So we have to be cognizant of that. Need a vehicle that isn't afraid to make a splash? That's the Volkswagen Taos. Capable and confident, the Volkswagen Taos is fit for everyday life. Nimble in traffic, agile and tight spots, and still spacious enough for weekend getaways. While available 4-motion all-wheel drive gives confidence in rain and snow. The capable Taos, you deserve more

Confidence, visit vW.ca to learn more. S-UvW, German-engineered for all. So, someone said, how do you communicate that things are impacting you personally? So by coming at it with eye statements, like when I had Ryan that issue, right, it wasn't an issue, it was just that he was being a little cold. So if I had processed that, I would be like, hey, babe, can I share something with you? I got to be honest, when you shut down like that, I took it really personally. And I'm not saying that it was something necessarily personal.

But to me, how it landed on it was that I started to feel like, what am I not good enough for you? Like, is this not something that you want? And now I'm not saying there's facts to that. But I'd love to hear your perspective and what your experience was because it might actually help me alleviate this anxiety and the fact that I am taking this personally. It would really help me out.

Communicate, like how, that's why I say, first understand what is personal about it. Right? Like I remember when Ryan said no to me. And I was like, you know, that baby feel really dismissed. And I was like, I just didn't want to go with me. And he was like, I just didn't want to go at all. And he was like, you know what, moving forward, you're right. I do need to do a better job at explaining that.

And I was like, thank you. Cool. You just express what bothers you. And when you have a safe and secure partner, that person's going to give a shit about, you'd be like, cool, then let me step up and help and do what I need in that way. If they genuinely feel that. If it's something that every fucking thing, you're so sensitive to everything, after a while, someone's going to be like, hey, come on, dude.

Like, it's not every step is like fucking landmine. But it's very natural that things might hurt you and you take it personally. Don't beat yourself up for being a human, right? And then someone said, why do I assume a man doesn't want to be with me because I'm not in the leaner side? Babies, I get it. Our body and self-image is really, really important when we're talking about this type of stuff. And it's the same thing that I talked about earlier.

Because the reason that you take that personally is because you haven't accepted that part of yourself. You might think, well, I know I love myself and I love my body. Really? but then if somebody doesn't like you, you automatically assume that's the reason without having any information. But here's the thing. If you got on the date and you're there and this person was going out with you or especially sleeping with you, it's like, well, then that right there, we could completely discredit. And who knows, maybe it is because of the way that you look. Great. Fuck those people. Somebody

doesn't like me for me. I've had people, I've had guys tell me I'm too thin. I had a guy I dated a couple years ago say, please don't lose any more weight. And I was like, okay, well, I'm not trying to lose weight. I was like, but I'm not at my ideal goal. And I was like, that's okay. I didn't take that personally. I was like, hey, you like a little bit more meat on you. Okay, that's fine. Well, then please don't try to change me.

And so, like, we have to look at whatever that it, where do we go first? That's the insecurity. That's okay. I see you. I totally understand body images are very real. I struggle with them myself. You think I'm trying to kid you? I do.

I watched two out to handle the other day. And I was watching one of the girls on there that's a total babe. And I was like, fuck. She looks amazing. I couldn't imagine walking around in a swimsuit like that. And it's like, okay, that's my journey. But I know that my partner finds me sexy as fuck, no matter what I look like. And so it's like, okay.

But that's what I mean. I'm confident in who I am knowing, yeah, I might want something else, but I'm also not attacking myself or not having it. I'm just a human. So we have to look at the narrative. So, okay, let's do one more question. What childhood traumas could have started it? Lack of emotional. Okay, so somebody asked, and I wrote what they could have.

So someone asked what childhood traumas. Now, okay, it could be a slew of things, but really what it is is lack of emotional support in childhood and being blamed as a child by parents can contribute to our feelings that we deserve to be mocked or humiliated. Poor self-esteem and people with low self-esteem sometimes worry too much about what others think, which is why we take it so personally, right? If we are automatically assuming, oh, that's what you're thinking and we're so hyper-focused because, again, what we're doing is we're avoiding looking at ourselves. If I can focus on you, then I don't have to focus on me. Yay, I don't have to worry about all these uncomfortable feelings that I'm having, as opposed to, well, fuck. That is going to be a little bit of a caveat there, isn't it? But we have to kind of look at, you know, and actually I will hit up one more thing.

We have to really understand, like, what was I taught as a kid? Who taught me this behavior? And then someone asks, how do you not take things personally in a dating app? I'll tell you very quickly, you don't know these people. I got to ask, what is personal about you? What's personal about it? What? This person matched with you and then didn't want to cocktail.

Okay, maybe they looked at your profile and was like, oh, it's a different political affiliation, never mind. Or, no, I swiped on this last night, but like, nah, I'm not feeling it. Okay? I love my partner. He finds me really attractive. Plenty of people don't. Like, I was dating on apps for years.

And plenty of people either thought I was sexy and just wanted to fuck me or were fake or or unmatched me. I had that. I would match with guys. And then the next morning you look and you're like, oh, fuck, I didn't see that they wanted to be casual or out. you know what, this guy's kind of not actually that attractive to me. What am I going to do?

Tell. Okay, so imagine if that person took everything personally. I'd be like, whoa, dude, so my opinion of you is what's rocking your world? These are strangers on the internet that we don't know. Let's stop giving people more power over our lives than they deserve, right? That's why we have to be better buyers. We have to be cognizant and conscious of what's the narrative that we're telling ourselves. Again, if you're going to take online dating personally, then that shows us that we need to do some work

on that self-esteem. And that's okay. You're human, right? I get the frustration. I was on Hinge, Bumble, Tinder, you name it. I've been on the app. And it's really tough. I totally get that. But there isn't any facts to back up that it is about you. Right? And so maybe it's like, maybe it's your profile. Maybe it's just something you wrote. Maybe that person looked and went, oh, they don't drink. I do love me a glass of wine. This isn't going to work. So if we're going to take everything personally, then already what's happening is you're entering in like kind of me, sad, down. Listen, self-deprecation's cute once in a while

Like, yeah, I'm as anxious over here. Like, I can put myself down once in a blue moon. After a while, though, you're like, hey, you doesn't sound like you like yourself, but yet you want me to pick you. It's really, really tough when you're dating somebody if you don't love yourself authentically. And loving yourself doesn't mean that you have to just think

all positive about you. I know I am a fickle bitch. I am anxious. I got a lot of stuff. I talk a lot. I talk vast. I curse. I have a thousand thoughts running in my head.

But I accept those parts of me. I know those little sabs, and I understand where she learned all that from and how that became who she is. And I fucking love it. Sometimes it bothers me. But then I hold compassion for it of, no, you're a human. That's what loving yourself means. Understanding the parts of yourself, I have a, I tell you how many times I'll do interchild work with a client. And they'll say, what do you think she needs to hear from you now?

I'm going to love you. Okay, so you think that's loving yourself, dismissing yourself, putting yourself down, speaking to yourself like your parents speak to you? and you wonder why you take things personally. That's okay. You're human. It happened. But I'm really hopeful that this was able to help you guys a little bit to understand really the root, where they come from. And like it's the same way. Like a guy doesn't text you back or a girl doesn't text you back. Somebody doesn't text you back for like two hours and you're starting to take it personally.

It's like, no, that's where that insecurity lies. That's where and it's okay. And maybe that insecurity is from something you learned in childhood. Maybe that's an experience that you had. But that doesn't mean that we need to take everything personally when we don't have facts to back it up. even if we did even if this person says oh i just don't want to date you okay that so even if it's personal about you that doesn't mean that you need to change that part about you it's one thing if somebody said like hey i really like you but your anxiety is way too overwhelming for me okay that's valid feedback of like okay yeah i can kind of see that i can see how me blowing up your phone 30 times in the day would be

really overwhelming i can see how me giving passive aggressive because you an answer could be really really tough but again that's not a that's not a direct that's not someone say it's you it's personal about you. No, your anxiety is hard. Notice how when people will say stuff of it's this, it's not you. It's about something that like, or for me, you know, I'll, religion's different. Your religion is different. It's not you are the problem. It's this variable that doesn't work for me. You're allowed to make decisions like that. You're allowed to have choices. It doesn't mean that because somebody doesn't, listen, I love chocolate. There's a lot of people that don't. Did you imagine a chocolate took that personally?

There is enough people out there that love it. And you just go, you go towards the people that do and you stop trying to convince the people that don't. Guys, thank you for another awesome session. Thank you for sitting with me. Thank you for sharing the show. Thank you for being you. Thank you for allowing me to show up as me. Until next time, babies.