The Sabrina Zohar Show - 96: Managing Reactions To Emotions And Sitting In The Discomfort

Episode Date: September 13, 2024

On today’s solo episode Sabrina delves into the often-overlooked concept of sitting with uncomfortable emotions. She shares personal stories to make the topic relatable, emphasizing that emotional discomfort is not something to resist but to explore. By understanding what’s happening in your body and identifying where the discomfort lies, you can regulate your emotions more effectively. Sabrina explains that managing emotions isn’t about eliminating discomfort but using tools like mindfulness, breathwork, and self-compassion to engage your prefrontal cortex and create space for clarity. It's crucial to identify where you've learned to suppress feelings, as unresolved emotions can hinder growth. Sabrina advises acknowledging sensations, naming emotions, and reparenting yourself to build resilience and avoid spiraling. By practicing cognitive reappraisal, mindfulness, and gradual exposure, you can reframe challenges and make room for growth. She also highlights the importance of emotional validation, respecting others’ feelings, and setting boundaries in relationships. Ultimately, building emotional resilience requires self-compassion, allowing yourself to feel and process discomfort, and understanding that emotional regulation is a gradual, ongoing journey. Struggling with a breakup? Join the Make It Make Sense: Getting Through a Breakup course from Sabrina and Britt Frank HERE! Stuck After the Podcast? Master Implementation in 8 Weeks with Sabrina's Foundation Course HERE! Get Ad free and 2 Bonus episodes a month HERE! Want to work with Sabrina? HERE! Don't forget to follow Sabrina and The Sabrina Zohar Show on Instagram and Sabrina on TikTok! Video now available on YOUTUBE! Disclaimer: The Sabrina Zohar Show, formally known as Do The Work, is not affiliated with A.Z & associates LLC in any capacity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, hello, hello. Welcome to another episode of the Sabrina Zohar show. My name is Sabrina Zohar and I am your host. We're back for Solo Week. I really do. I love solos. They are my favorite part of connecting with you guys. And I said it last time, I'll say it again.

Moving forward next year, we have more solos. It's, you guys, love it. We love it on YouTube. It outperforms. And so I'm so excited. I'm so excited to reconnect with you guys. So continue. Please, guys, keep sending me in your solo ideas.

You guys have been DMing me. I love it. Even though if I can't answer, don't get me wrong. I'm seeing them. Sometimes I just don't get a chance to respond, but I'm writing them down. I'm adding this to my list. And I'm going to see how I can start to incorporate

because I want to make sure I'm supporting you guys. And guys, as always, if you want the bonus subscription, you guys can suggest relationship episodes and things like that, but we will start to trickle those in next year. So don't worry, babies. I hear you. I see you and I got you. So keep it coming.

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Helps more than you'll know. All right, babes, this week, we're going to talk about something that I think is really important. And it's something that you guys have requested so often. And I finally was like, it's time. We're doing a solo on this. And that is, how do you manage your emotions and sit in the discomfort, right? We talk about sitting the discomfort, right? Do it, do it, sit and sit and sit. But I don't think we really explain like what that means. And so I'm going to share some personal shit. I'm going to talk about some stuff that I do personally. And also, you know, as always, I have some clinical studies. I've got the psychology and the science behind it because I really do think it's important.

You know, we hear so much bullshit clickbait. And the amount of times I'm like, cool, quantify it. At least give me data to show and back it up. So mama's going to do that for you guys. So guys, as always, thank you, thank you, for everything. I love you to the moon and back. Thank you for all the support. Thank you for the love.

And thank you for showing up as you. so I can show up as me as well. So without further ado, let's get right on into it, shall we? Well, well, well, welcome back, my babies. Ah, I love it. I love it. I love solo time. And yeah, it's just been, it's been a weird time, right? Like, we're getting out of summertime. We're coming into fall. It's a weird time in the world. It's real time. Just everybody is kind of going through a lot of things. So off the bat, can I just say, I'm really fucking proud of you. I'm really proud of you for showing up every day, even if you're not where you want to be. Listen, how boring would that be? Imagine if you got to your goal. Right? Well, that's it. Right? That's why it's like it's a moving target.

And so I really want to just encourage you guys to keep going. I know it feels shitty and I know it feels hard. But you've been through hard before. Remember, choose your hard. So this week, guys, we're going to talk about something I think that's important. So when it talks about, when we talk about managing your emotions and sitting in the discomfort, I think a lot of you guys are like, I don't know what the fuck that means. And so for anybody as part of the course, right, if you've did in the breakup course that Britt and I created, or if you've done the foundation course, I have talked about that a little bit of like understanding what's happening in your body. Guys, don't forget, join the course if you need a little bit more support and, you know, you can't work with me one-on-one. That's totally okay. You want to ask a

question. You want to do any of that shit. You totally can. But the course has a lot of resources. So that's my plug for you. But anyways, so when it comes to managing emotions, something that I think is really important to understand is like we have to look at where the discomfort really lies, right? So I think, you know, a lot of you guys wrote in questions and a lot of the questions kind of evolved around one theme that I wanted to kind of just talk about quickly. And that was, how do I get out of this quickly? How do I get out of this without having to feel it as bad? How can I stop this? How can I regulate quickly? How can I be done with this feeling? And that's, I think, the issue is like what you resist persists, right? And I think what we need to start to look at here is like

where did you learn that emotions and feelings are wrong or uncomfortable, right? So like, I know at least for me, like, okay, well, growing up, you weren't allowed to have emotions and feelings. Like, it was not a household that was safe in order to do so. I had my mother who would say, feel your emotions and cry, but then I had my father and he would retaliate, hit us, or leave if you cried. So it was very conflicting information. So you can imagine how each one of us manifested in that differently. And so as an adult now, there was no one that ever taught me how to manage my emotions, right? There was no adult present in the room to say, hey, that's a really big emotion you're having right now. Why don't we talk about that? Or why don't we, you know, stomp our feet and try to get it out right now.

And it was stop it and you're being too much and you need to stop. And, oh, God, grow up. And it's like, well, I'm one. So yeah, I'm going to cry, right? Like, that's part of it. And so off the bat, we kind of have to even just start to look at like, where did we learn this behavior from? And I know a lot of you guys will say, no, I had a perfect childhood and my parents didn't do any of that. Again, it's not about villainizing your parents. What I'm looking at here is understanding, okay, did you have emotionally available parents, right? You could have an incredible parent.

Your mom or dad or your caregiver could be incredible and amazing as a human, but they might not have been emotional, right? Maybe they shut down or maybe they just went, uh-huh, yeah, sorry, or we're just more dismissive in the emotional department. They loved you and they were there for you and they tried, but they just didn't have that to give. Well, then, of course, it's going to be really hard as an adult for you to be able to express that or if you grew up in a household where you were punished like I was for having big emotions

and for crying and for being a human and so of course now as an adult it's well there's something wrong with me and it's like no you're just a human there is nothing wrong with anyone anybody listening to this right now you're fucking amazing and perfect as you are it's just a matter of we just got to heal through some shit right we've got to kind of learn so as always I have my handy dandy studies and all the fun shit that my iPads upside down that i put to for you guys so the first thing i really wanted to start are kind of looking at is like when it comes to, you know, and I think when we talk about like managing your emotions, I think a lot of people are like, what does that mean? You know, because I had done a reel and it went viral of like, I want somebody that knows how to manage their emotions.

It's a non-negotiable. And so essentially what I'm saying by that is like, think about this. You're with somebody and they're almost like a liability, right? You don't know how they're going to react. They're explosive or they're rude to the waiters or they're kind of liability. That's what I mean by you got to learn how to manage your emotions. It's not appropriate to have a temper tantrum at dinner because the person that you're sitting across, from you doesn't want to do what you want to do. And so that's what I mean by like, it's really important to be able to say, wait a minute, I know how I can regulate my nervous system or I know how to take up space. Like, what are your tools? And I think that is another common misconception when it

comes to managing your emotions is that we, the tools are going to make it go away. And it's like, like Britt Frank has said and Masha, regulating your nervous system doesn't mean that the emotions go away. It means you now have agency and choice because you have turned on your prefrontal cortex. So again, when you get dysregulated, a big emotion happens, right? And even if it's the pinch doesn't match the out. Even if you're like, whoa, I got really triggered, but like that nothing really happened, what ends up happening is your prefrontal cortex shuts down and you go back into the amygdala. And your amygdala only knows how you went through.

So in its part, it's like, oh, Sabrina experienced us when she was a kid. Okay, just go to safety. Do what she always did because it knows that that was overwhelming for me. It was too much for me to handle at that time because I was a child. The brain is amazing, but it's not here to protect you. Well, it's here to protect you, but it's not here to help you grow. And it's here to keep you safe in a beautiful but fucked up way. And so when it comes to even like managing our emotions and being able to do that, what's really

important is like learning the tools that work for you. And I'll give you guys a very quick and clear story of what I mean. So for the past like month, you know, after the name change, I went through a fucking identity crisis. I'm like, I'm going to get vulnerable with you guys. Like I lost myself. I'm still trying to find myself because for so long I hid behind that name that it's like a breakup, right? When it ends, you're like, who am I? What am I? What do I have to say? And then you go on

socials and your stuff's not being seen because the algorithm doesn't like if you don't do clickbait. And if you try something new, it doesn't get seen. And so my entire world just started to kind of implode. And I woke up in the morning and I remember Ryan came down and like I was sitting on the couch and seemingly everything was fine, right? But I just looked to see how many plays like the podcast had gotten that day. And it's just a slower day, right? Like life is going to happen. And I lost it. And I started just, I started hyperventil. late and he came next to me, he was like, babe, what is going on? And like, if he hadn't been there, I probably would have been on my loop. And so for me, I know a couple of things. I know that when I get

in my feels, when I get into my emotions, when I get really like in it, I need to do a couple of things. For me, I know a walk always helps. So anytime I'm starting to feel like, just go outside, just go outside. That helps me to regulate off the bat. It's like, okay, because remember, by regulating, all you're doing is you're letting your nervous system know you're safe. You're not running after the tiger, so your prefrontal cortex can come back on. And so I have my tools, right? They're in my toolkit. I call my mom when I'm feeling really, really, like, strong out or my partner. And so in this instance, Brian happened to be there. And I was crying hysterically. And no matter what he tried to do, he was like, look, babe, look, like somebody wrote a nice review about you, but look like people do love you.

And I just kept saying, no one likes me. Nobody cares about me. They hate me. They don't want me. They don't want me part of this. And I even stopped myself. And I said, whoa. In that moment, I won't, I sound so emo, right? now. And it hit me and I was like, you're 15. And I already knew it. And instead of fighting it, and instead of, I sat there and I kept telling Ryan, this emotion feels so big. And he was like, it is. It's a big emotion. But you notice, I didn't do anything else. I allowed it. I sat there and I rode that wave. I cried. I let the tears come down. I did the and then eventually I was like, okay, breathe in and out. You're here right now, right? And I just allowed it. I processed through it because in that moment and I said and Ryan said where are you feeling it and I was like it's in my

chest right now I feel like I'm 15 again and I went back and I was like oh my god I'm back to that middle school house because what a lot of you guys don't know about me it's like I'm going to do a friendship episode I've struggled with friends all my life I've even Ryan sees it he's like I see like you have a select group of like very very good friends that you have very few of them and he's like but on the aggregate most people like have disappointed me let me down I overgive I under receive and I didn't have boundaries for a long time and when you start to create boundaries you lose people. And so now it's like, I'm a giver. And so it's hard to balance that. And in that moment, I went back to that little girl that was 12 again whose friends didn't want her part of it,

who found out that the girls were doing stuff behind her back. And in my meditations and the, like, the inner child work that I do, I've been at this house many times. It was this one girl from middle school. She was my best friend growing up. And she fucked me over. She was so avoidant. She was my father. And reminiscent. And she was super avoidant. She would just like, if you got on her bad side. Like I'm talking of like if you just like didn't do something she wanted, she would block your number and change her. She would like block your number and change her number. Like that severe. Like I remember her boyfriend at the time like didn't get her flower. Sometimes I was some very minute. And she blocked him and changed her number. He had to go to her house and he was like, is this how

you're telling me you were broken up? That's like how she was. And in my regressions and my meditations, I started to realize like, oh, I go back to that little girl. That little girl feels like no one likes her and no one is there for her. And so what did I do? I sat there and I allowed it and I validated her and I was like, wow, you know what? You've been through a lot. You have been through so much and I know how scary this is. You feel like you're losing everything. But something that Britt Frank taught me that I started to implement was, but Sab, you've already lost them. Right? You already lost them. And in that moment, I was like, they're gone. Those girls are gone. They don't want you as their friend. And that's okay, because I want you as my friend and I love you. And I just allowed

it. And I just sat there and I cried and it was about 20 minutes. And I looked at Ryan and he said, let's go on a walk. I think you need it. And I was like, okay. And we went on a walk and he said, talk to me how you feel. And I processed it. And I said, I'm feeling, feeling a little better. And I was like, you know, and I said, okay, well, what's in my control? And when I said that, I stopped and I even looked at him and I said, I know I'm more regulated because I named my emotion. I said I was feeling really emo and really, really sad, feeling very left out. And then as we started to process, I started to realize the agency and choice that I had. And then my mood shifted. And even he said, he was like, you're coming back in spirits. And I was like, because that little

girl is not being abandoned and left. I saw her, I heard her, I validated her, and I had her fucking back and I protected her. And I told her that no matter what, I will be here and we will get through this. That's what confidence means. Is not that you know you're going to be okay, is that you know that no matter what, you will be okay. Amazon presents Jeff versus Taco Truck Salsa, whether it's Verde, Roja, or the orange one. For Jeff, trying any salsa is like playing Russian roulette with a full. Flamethrower. Luckily, Jeff saved with Amazon and stocked up on antacids, ginger tea, and milk.

Habaniero? More like habanier, yes. Save the everyday with Amazon. So when it comes to managing your emotions, and I understand I have a technique that we could do when you're with somebody and you're in a relationship versus single, but it's so important because I think about it, somebody doesn't text you. And all of a sudden, it's you're fucking crying and you're up in arms and it's like, no, you're not managing your emotions.

You're not learning to sit in the discomfort because we don't grow in comfort. So somebody asked Ryan the other day, I don't want to do dating apps. They make me uncomfortable. How can I meet somebody else? How can I meet somebody? And he stopped. He said, go on the dating app. She said, what do you mean?

And he said, do something uncomfortable. Stop trying to avoid discomfort. Because by avoiding the discomfort, you are limiting your growth. You're not giving yourself the full potential. Go to the fucking gym. Your muscles rip. You rebuild them. That's how you grow.

You don't grow by sitting on your couch. nothing all day. You grow when adversity happens, when you get challenges, and at the end of it on the other side of it, you look back and say, damn, I did that and I made it through. Everything you've been through up until this point has been a challenge and you've made it through. So we have to kind of also, I get, I see these as challenges to look forward to. When I get really in my fields and I get done, I'm like, cool, what is this trying to teach me? I can grow as a person and then I'm stronger and I'm a better businesswoman, I'm a better partner, I'm a better communicator, I'm a better daughter, and I better everything.

Because I don't see this as avoid it. I see it as let's go into it. You won't get out unless you go through. So we want to know, are you processing your emotions or are you bypassing your emotions? Right. So processing your emotions. So the first step is we pause, right? So you guys have asked, like, I want technical steps.

Okay, cool. Now here's the reality. If the information I'm about to give you, you say, well, I tried and it didn't work. Okay. Well, do you go to the gym once and say, well, I lift it and I didn't get a six pack? No, right? This is called practice. Like Masha said, it takes 3,000 times of doing something for a new neural pathway to become more automatic.

That's why we say create routines. If you're a really anxious person, routines are your best friend because as anxiety, we're fear of the future. So that's why, like, I go to bed every night at the same time I wake up. I have my routines in the morning. I know what I do. I have my scheduled things in the day. We have our nighttime routine. I have my skincare routine.

I know what I need to do to take care of myself and I look forward to it because it's my time for me that I'm in control of. So it's really important to have some routines. But the first thing is, it's like, okay, so something happens, right? You're knocked on your ass. Stop. Stop. Stop anything you're doing and pause. Pause.

Take a fucking second to just stop. Sometimes I'll even drop my phone. You don't have to drop your phone. But sometimes I will. I'll just take a moment and be like, okay, I need to stop. The second thing I want you to start to do is to learn how to hold space for yourself. This isn't about, God, I hate this feeling. I need to be done.

Because it's funny. Anytime I'll have a client and I'll say, okay, you know, we'll go through and we'll start the meditations and they'll say, oh, I feel like a kid again. And then when I say, okay, so if that version of you were here, what would you say to them? You're fine. It's fine. You're going to be okay. No one's going to leave you. You're fine. And I'm like, oh, cool. If I said that to you as the practitioner holding space for you, would you feel validated with that? No. You'd feel like, no, you're a dick. Why would you talk to me like that? If you spoke to your friends, the way you speak to yourself, you think you would have any friends left? No. So, after we pause, we have to understand that this is going to to be uncomfortable. Like, I don't know who sold you this false bill of goods of like life is just

easy and you don't feel discomfort. Life is really fucking uncomfortable. There are so every single day you're with people that are weird, that are uncomfortable, that are awkward, that rub you the wrong way, like, that's life. So to think that in dating and in relationships and in being in a relationship or even in the dating courtship that you're just not going to feel a discomfort is a lie. But it's about the window of tolerance. If every single thing keeps you spiking, one person says something and you're spiked and back and forth and back and forth, then you have a very rigid way of doing things versus more flexibility. It's not always about having a regulated nervous system.

It's more important to have a flexible nervous system that it's like your blood sugar. When it peaks, it comes back down. You can balance yourself more consistently. That takes practice. So please don't be hard on yourself. So first we pause. Second, we hold space for the emotions to come up, right? If your thoughts are, no, no, I want this to be quick.

This ain't going to be it for you. And then you're just going to, what you resist will persist. So instead of thinking, I need to get this done, I want this to be out, we say, I need to pause and hold space. Then after that, I need you to acknowledge what the fuck you're feeling, right? Instead of it, instead of it sitting and being like, no, you're crazy or God, here we go again. Can you acknowledge and say, whoa, I'm having a really big sensation in my body right now? Whoa, I'm feeling a lot right now.

Just that. Even just acknowledging like, I am going through something right now. Just acknowledging in your body that you are feeling something. So like when that happened, I acknowledge, I said, I don't feel right. I feel like I'm on the verge of tears. I was hormonal. It was my periods. It was like all the thing.

But I stopped and I said, I don't feel like I'm myself. And I knew that. And so at least then I was not going to attack myself of like, you stupid fucking idiot. No, keep the judgment out of here. That's my father's voice anyways, right?

That's not actually yours. Remember, attack to yourself like you would talk to your best friend. And so then once I acknowledge it and I hold space, I usually will stop and be like, okay, what is happening in my body? Okay, whoa. Because here's the reality. It takes about 90 seconds for an emotion,

run its course, but every time the narrative starts and you want to know why you're not feeling better. Like somebody had written in today saying like all of these things, I do all the stuff and I'm not feeling better. And it's like because you're not feeling. You're intellectualizing. Everything is how many books can I read? What podcast can I read? What else can I do? What can I do? Because you're avoiding the discomfort. You're avoiding feeling the feelings. So you think, oh, let me just go do all of this other stuff. So I don't have to do that. I need you to do that. I need you to face the fucking fears. I need you to face it because our, we go through, we grow through what we go through. On the other, Winston Churchill says, you know, and then whatever. And a layman starts, it's like,

life is on the other side of fear. Just of it. So can you stop and say, whoa, I'm feeling this in my body? Can you close your eyes for literally a minute, set your clock and just say, okay, I'm going to sit with a sensation. This feels really heavy in my chest. Yeah, it feels like a swarm of bees are in my chest right now. Okay. They're moving really fast, right? Can you make it a tangible thing? Is it moving? Is it slow? Is it fast? What's happening? Then can you just allow yourself to feel it? Every time a thought comes by, you know, I will get to it. I need to feel this right now. Then once you are allowing your body to feel, then we can start to assess, okay, what is the narrative playing? So let's use an example, right? You're dating somebody could be whether you're in a relationship or not, right? It doesn't really matter.

The person that you're seeing or the person you like, the person that you're courting, the person that you're in your fucking doesn't text you. That's usually the one that causes the most discomfort, right? And so it's like, what happens? happens. They don't text you goes right from feeling to fucked. I used to be that person. The person wouldn't text me. I would go into hysterics. I would start to sweat. I would start to have body aches. I was not hungry. I was dysregulated. My body thought there was a threat. They thought there was a tiger. That fucking cell phone was a tiger. And so when I got dysregulated, I started to create this narrative. And then the narrative was reaffirming my core beliefs. And those core beliefs were that I'm not good enough and I'm not worthy and there's something wrong with me. See, I knew it. And that was it.

I wasn't sitting in any discomfort. Then it was, let me text them. I need them to text me or I need to do this or I need to numb it. I need to distract. I'm just going to get out of the house right now and not think about it. Well, that's not facing your fucking emotions and that's not sitting in any discomfort. Because then what will happen is either I'll get from you guys that you'll text somebody because you couldn't sit with any kind of discomfort or you've written this person off because the discomfort was so insane that you're just like, oh, I'd rather just be alone. Right. What's when people say, I'd rather be single? It's like, no, you just don't want to be triggered. You don't want to be uncomfortable. That's what you're telling me because it's not that, it's not that much easier.

And so then we have to look and say, okay, what is the narrative? Right? So if the texting thing happens and I go into my body and I start to sweat, wow, okay, I'm sweating right now. I'm like feeling all the feels. Okay, what's the narrative? I knew that they were going to forget about me. They didn't really like me, did they? I fucked up because I'm an idiot and of course, why would they like me, right?

Those are core beliefs. What proof, what facts do we have to back up that that's why they didn't text you? Is it accurate? I don't know. Could also be a thousand other things. So once we understand what's the narrative and what are the thoughts? then can we name the emotion. Ah, this feels really sad.

Because by naming the emotion, you turn to prefrontal cortex on. You use decision making and common sense. Then after that, it's, oh, okay, I'm feeling really sad right now. Okay, have I ever felt what I just felt in my body? Have I felt that before? Yeah, yeah, when I was six, when my dad would yell at me. Or yeah, you know, like I had my client this morning, we were talking and I said, you know, when did you have that shame and blame voice?

And he said, I don't know, I just, I can't put my finger on it. And then as we started to discuss, he was like, oh, wow, actually, yeah, you're right. That was like my mom when I was a kid. And I was like, yeah, there you go, right? It doesn't have to be a direct correlation. Oh, my mother used to shame me. No, but when my mother would do this and she would tell me that I didn't do a good job, I felt shame. That could be it.

We have to remember. You don't have to go searching for these crazy things. It doesn't always have to be big T. Sometimes it's just about where did you learn this? A baby and a child's brain is a fratata. So it's going to hold on to everything. Even if it's something as simple as your mom saying something to you that she didn't realize was going to hurt you. You create a narrative about that. You're human. Welcome to how the brain works.

So then once you can address, that six-year-old little me, like when I had my little 15-year-old emo me, okay, well, then how could I reparent? How could I be the adult that I didn't have when I was a kid? How could I be the savior I didn't have, right? How can I support me during that time? So me reparenting little me would be, yeah, given everything you've been through, this would be really anxiety-inducing. But here's the reality, baby. I choose you. I love you no matter what. And I know that this person not texting you does, it makes you feel all these big feelings and emotions, but here's the reality. You lost this person already. Not this person. We don't know who this person is. You lost the person you're scared of losing already. You lost mom and dad. Or you lost the family

unit you thought you were going to have. You lost the friends. Even if they're alive, that's not what I mean. But you lost what you're holding onto because you're no longer in your childhood. Right? The Volkswagen Atlas is a 7C powerhouse that actually makes sense for real life. It's got cargo space for all your gear, the dogs, and even half of your rec league soccer team. And under the hood, a two-liter turbocharged TSI engine that hauls up to 5,000 pounds. The seven-seat Atlas, you deserve more space. Visit vw.ca to learn more.

S-UBW, German engineered for all. So we have to start to look in that how can you reparent? Right. That is processing your emotions. Now, if you're sitting there going, well, that's a lot of work. Yeah, no fucking shit. Welcome. Of course, it's a lot of work.

That's why healing. What's why most people don't want to do it or they'll bypass it? This is the hardest part. Not the intellectualizing. I can intellectualize all day and understand why you do it. But how do I know how it impacts my body? Very different story. So this is the part I think a lot of us are missing.

This is bridging the gap. Versus, are you bypassing it? Are you avoiding it? Are you numbing it with substances? Are you trying to defend yourself by always having to tell everybody what's going on? Are you distracting yourself? are you ruminating? Are you spiraling? Are you blaming? Are you shaming? What is going on? That is when we know, oh, you're just bypassing it. There's no reflection. It's just deflection. I don't want to deal with it.

Nope, no, no, no, no. And then we wonder why, okay, well, that's why then you if you date somebody that has, they have no emotional intelligence or capabilities, they're emotionally unavailable, they can't handle emotions, welcome, because they don't know how to sit in them, how to say, yeah, I'm allowed to have this big emotion. I'm allowed to be sad. I can validate that because what you said was hurtful to me. That doesn't mean that I need to do anything about it. I'm allowed to feel this right now. And if you discredit that, well, then you're not somebody I want in my life because I only want people in there that it will validate my fucking feelings because they are, they might not be facts, but they are real. They're valid. I really want you guys to start to look at like,

when we're sitting in discomfort, what I mean by that is stop trying to get out of how you feel. And the difference here is what's what I'm saying, it's not about spiraling. I think a lot of you guys wrote in like, how do I do this and not get stuck in it. It's like, because if you're you're on a loop, you have to catch yourself on the loop, right? Like when I was downstairs and I was on this loop, I caught myself. I was like, whoa, yeah, you're fucking, you're on your narrative. And I said, I was like, I feel this. I know how this feels. I know myself and I know the adult brain that I have right now. This isn't it. So there is an element of self-awareness that kind of comes into this of why do you think we say? Start with how am I feeling in my body.

What is coming up for me? What is happening? Understand the message and the narrative. understand the theme and the stories you have told yourself about this. If he wanted to, he would. It's ridiculous. But start to look at what is the narrative that I have created about this? What are the data points that I have about this? That's like, again, it's like with the fucking orange peel theory. Oh, the orange peel theory.

If a guy peels your orange, then that means he likes you. And it's like, no, that's called acts of service. That's no data points. That person could be controlling. That person could be misogynistic. That person could also be just doing it to get the me on. my back. That's not a data point. That's not something to be like, oh, great, well, I'm not uncomfortable with this person. It's like, no, how does this person show up for you? How do you feel

when you're having conflict or when you're talking to this person? How do you feel when you don't hear from them? Are you able to sit in those emotions of, okay, I'm allowed to be sad? What's wrong with being sad? So take the fucking afternoon off and go home or sit. Don't go out with your friends. Don't try to distract. Maybe just sit in it. There's a difference between ruminating and processing. Processing. Processing is how you speak to yourself. Processing is how you allow yourself to feel. Ruminating is just the loop. It's reaffirming your narrative of trying to make it other people. But why aren't they texting me? Here we go again. You're back on the loop. Go right back on it. And you wonder why you can't feel. How do you value it yourself, right? So first off, we pause it. Everything starts with a pause because what we have to learn here when we talk about sitting in a discomfort and managing our emotions is you have to, you cannot go from feeling to fucked. You've got to take a second to reflect and to feel to pause. for a fucking beat. Then once you pause, notice it. Allow it, right? I'm allowed to feel this. It's like when I have a big emotion, I'll be like, I'm allowed to feel this. I was really hurtful.

I don't need to shame or blame myself. I don't need to create a narrative. I'm not, my dad's not in my head anymore. And then validate it. Yeah, this has been really challenging. Yeah, given everything I've been through, it wouldn't be a surprise that this would really trigger me, right? Why do you need to create a narrative about yourself? Validate your own fucking emotions. Yeah, I'm allowed to feel this. then remind yourself like is this from now or is this from the past like that's what we said challenge your thoughts when have i felt this before and again remember you don't need to you don't need to justify your feelings to people you don't need to defend them if i were to tell ryan i'm really upset with what you said that really hurt my feelings that really hurt my feelings because

of x y and z it's like i don't need to intellectualize it if he says i'm so sorry what did i do to make you feel that well when you said this it made me feel really dismissed he's not going to tell me No, that's not true. You weren't dismissed. He might say that wasn't my intention, but I would never want you to feel that. And I'm so sorry if you did. My heart breaks if I did anything that caused you to feel that, right?

That's another person validating your emotion. So can we start with doing that ourselves? I did a little bit of research in science because we love research. So the first step in understanding and managing your emotions is called cognitive re-appraisal. So what it is is cognitive re-appraisal involves changing the way you interpret a situation to alter its emotional impacts. So gross JJ and emotional regulation, effective cognitive and social consequences, it was a study done. And the findings were this techniques helps in reducing negative emotions and improving emotional resilience. Reapraisal is linked to lower levels of depression

anxiety. So how does it work? So when you experience a strong emotion, try to reframe the situation in a more positive and neutral light. So for example, if you're anxious about a presentation, right? Or, you know, like, oh God, it's like instead of looking at this like, I'm going to fail, it's like maybe we can look at this as this is an opportunity for me to showcase my experience. Right? So how can we try to pretty much reframe our thinking? So instead of, I knew they didn't like me and that's why they didn't text me, I don't have any facts to back this up.

But what I do know is if this connection is what I thought it was, then this person is going to contact me when they have the time. I don't know the narrative. I don't know what's going on in their life. But what I do know is that no matter what I'll be okay and I will handle the situation as it comes. right i feel so rejected i feel nobody wants me i just wasn't a match for that person that doesn't mean that there is nobody out there on the planet for me but that's what i mean by like do you believe that

it's going to be bullshit if you don't genuinely believe that you are worthy and deserving there are almost nine billion people on the planet you think that because this one schmo that you met on hinge doesn't want you that there's nobody else for you let's get real babies there are ample people out there for you but it's about are you ready to receive those people because they might not be what it is that you want but they'll be exactly what you need So next, mindfulness and acceptance. So mindfulness is like when you observe your feelings and your emotions. So guys, we don't say like meditate just to like bypass the time.

You meditate. You start to have a meditation practice so you can learn. That's what helped me with mindfulness to understand. Thoughts are like clouds. Let them go by. Let it pass. I don't need to attach a narrative to it. I can just let it happen.

So again, don't meditate when you're wildly dysregulated and you really can't sit still. Like that's not the time to do it. Do it when you start a practice when you first wake. up when you go to bed, ways that you can reconnect of, okay, I have this thought. It doesn't mean I need to attach to it. I can have a thought. I'm allowed to. I'm a human. And so mindfulness, it helps to reduce stress and enhance emotional regulation. So you get to, you can practice mindfulness, even as something as simple as I will sometimes practice us going outside. I'll be like, am I present right now? I'll just ask myself, am I being present? And I'm like, no, you're on your

phone or no, you're ruminating or spiraling. And I'll stop and I'll use, I'll do something I love to do, which is called scanning for safety. And so if you go from left to right and you do it, level. And if you're watching this right now, you could see me do it. But if you go from left to right, that's like EMDR, our rapid eye movement. So scanning the room and going around of like, oh, I'm in my podcast room. Oh, yeah, there are the cameras. Oh, my God, I love that pink mirror. I bought that the other day, right? You're scanning because what you're doing is you're letting your body and your nervous system know, I am safe. There is no danger and there's no threat. I'll do that. Sometimes I'll go for a walk with Kobe. And I'll just be walking and I'm like, oh, the sun on my skin feels so good right now.

I bring myself back to the moment so that I can enjoy it, right? So when it comes to sitting in the discomfort, we want to do an experience gradual exposure. So gradual exposure involves slowly and systematically facing feared or uncomfortable situations. So this was a study done. I'm not going to go into it, but pretty much what they found, I can send it to you guys. If you want to know the exact studies, it's just way longer than I'd like to. It's in a psychological bulletin. Gradual exposure helps reduce fear and avoidance of behavior.

It allows individuals to build tolerance to discomfort and reduce overall emotional stress. So essentially, start with less challenging aspects. So that's why, you know how Britt Frank always says micro yeses? Don't just jump into a two-minute ice bath. Maybe what it is, that's why, like, Joe Rogan always talks about this of like he wakes up every morning and does something very specifically uncomfortable for him. So he will like go into the ice bath. He's like, do you think I want to go in 30 degree like temperature?

But I do that to force myself to be uncomfortable so that I can grow into tolerance. So maybe that just means you don't grab your phone for an extra minute. It can be so small. And then when you do it, you're like, oh, wow, that's reaffirming beliefs. That puts it into your brain. I could do it, right? Oh, you might sound so minute. And you're like, but I want you to start small.

It's small micro-yeses are progress. If you jump in, your nervous system is not going to be able to handle it. But it's like you want to get to a nice bath at two minutes. Well, then maybe that starts with doing a colder shower. Every day turning the knob one up so that you gradually get your body and then maybe the next step would be a cold shower. Okay, once I've done two weeks of cold showers, I'm okay with it. Then maybe the next step is I would go and get a little bit of ice and put it in my bathtub.

Maybe I, right, you gradually expect. Then maybe I do 10 seconds in the ice bath, 20, 30, 40. It's about understanding that these aspects, it's a mind game. It's about how much can I push through the discomfort and actually still be here for myself and not just take the easy way of like, oh, I don't like this or I'm going to stop. You're not going to grow, right? Resilience. That's how we build it.

So like, trust me, I didn't turn into the version of I am, the who I am now because everything in life has just been easy for me. Like, if I didn't go through all the challenges, if I didn't have the shitty exes, if I didn't have the terrible experience as a kid, I wouldn't be who I am now. And I think a lot of people think I'm crazy when I say, I'm so grateful for my ex. I couldn't be more grateful for my ex because he taught me how to fucking love myself, not because of who he was, but because of the lack of who he was. Because of how awful he was to me, he taught me how important it was for me to choose myself.

And the fact that I could survive a narcissistic abusive relationship and come out the other side and have a beautiful healthy relationship showed me how fucking strong I am. So every day when I have a moment that I'm scared and I know what's going to happen, I remind myself, bitch, you've been through hard. This ain't going to be what breaks you. But I wouldn't have done that had I not done it. Another aspect is acceptance and commitment therapy. So it's called ACT. It involves accepting unpleasant emotions and thoughts while committing two actions aligned with your values. So essentially what that is is it's practice acceptance by acknowledging experience or discomfort without trying to escape it. So set value-based

goals and take actions that align. So even if that means it's a little bit more uncomfortable, but it's about I take this on. It's a mindset game. Just as quickly, it's an age-old thing of like anytime you go to the gym, when your body says I'm done, you can actually go a few more seconds longer because that's your protective mechanisms being like, oh no, but you actually could consent. You could go go a little further. It's just we go, nope, done. I don't want to be uncomfortable. I know that because every time I go to the gym to grow my ass, it really fucking hurts. But then I remind myself, girl, you could do one more rep. Even if that doesn't mean it's the best rep of your life, but you could do one more. And then I do it. I feel so proud of

myself. Because I'm like, I did something hard. And I did it. And I'm okay. And I'm alive. Can we celebrate your wins as well? So I think that would be something really helpful. So enhancing emotional regulation. So deep breathing and journaling is really, really important. Deep breathing is breath, breath is the portal to your nervous system. That is the lever to being able to control it. It's the same with like, I just, I've been doing more cardio and I start to black out. And so my trainer is teaching me how to breathe properly so that my body doesn't feel panic. And then my brain doesn't shut off.

Hello, asthma. So I'm dealing with my own stuff. Don't worry. But it's really, really important to journal, write. It's there's science behind if you actually write versus type it into your phone. is a different part of your brain that you're accessing. Get it out. Get it out of paper.

Even if you just want to do some big like, uh, exhales around the house. Let it out. Start to breathe and start to understand your breathing patterns. So then the last aspect here is building emotional resilience. So something that's really fucking important is like, we need to build some self-compassion.

Without self-compassion and what a self-compassion means? That means that you know how to talk kindly. to yourself during challenging times. You know how to acknowledge that suffering is part of being a human, right? That's not, that's not anything outrageous and that you take care of yourself as you would a friend. So having compassion for yourself means, hey, I'm allowed to feel this, right? If your friend came to you crying hysterically, would you tell them like, you're fucking idiot, dude? Well, it's because you fucked up everything and because your dad hated you. So like, no shit this person would like you. What? You wouldn't have any friends. Instead, you would be like, oh, man, I'm so sorry.

You're going through this. Like, what do you need? What can I do? for you. You want to cry, let it out. Feel it, right? You'd be there for your friend. How can you be compassionate to yourself, even if it feels uncomfortable? That's the time when we have to say, are you running away from you or are you running towards you? Are you compassionate and loving and opening and empathetic towards yourself? Even when I go through hard days, I will stop and I'm like, Sabrina, you don't need to talk to yourself like that. You didn't do anything wrong here. You're a human and you're experiencing emotions. It doesn't mean I don't still experience them, right? Then I'm like, okay, well, let yourself feel, go through it, have it at it.

And then a little bit later, I'm like, wiping the tears. And you're like, okay, I just need a good cry. Sometimes I'll even set my clock for 20 minutes and put on a sad song so I can just like have my time to feel. And then I'm like, okay, we're done with this. We're going to put this away. We're going to put a pause. So I think it's really, really important because self-compassion is also associated with a higher self-esteem.

Right? Like, anytime like the other day Ryan did something, he was like, oh my God, I'm so sorry. And I just said, it's okay, babe. You're human. Right? And then when I fucked up and I did something. something and he just went, it's okay, babe, you're a human, right? Because we have compassion for each other and ourselves. Instead of attacking myself and knocking myself down, it's like you did something that

other people do. You're allowed to fucking make mistakes. And as a kid, that might have been really detrimental and it's not safe. But now you're an adult and you are safe because you're with you. And if you can't be safe in your own body, I think we have to talk about some other stuff. I think what's really important here is when you're dealing with this as well with a partner, right? Because like it's really about understanding like how to tolerate discomfort when you're in a relationship is a few steps. So the first thing is acceptance, right? Like I am allowed to have my reality. You are allowed to have your reality. When Ryan and I have an argument or disagreement, I'm not, I'm right, you're wrong or you're right. I'm wrong. It's I want to understand each other

a little bit better. I want to gain clarity. So first, it's accepting. Then the second thing is like acknowledge that the other person is also feeling something. Right. So like if the other person is going, like, if I see Ryan upset, I'm not going to stop me like, well, I'm the only one that's feeling something. It's like, oh, well, you're obviously having an emotional reaction to this as well, even if it's stonewalling or shouting down or going in your brains like, that's an emotional reaction. They're going through their own stuff. So can we just be cognizant that it's not you against them, that you're both feeling heightened emotions? Then we have to be able to say, can you respect your emotions and theirs? If you guys are at an impasse and you're like, hey, let's take 30, let's go

cool down. I think we would, this would be really beneficial for both of us. Let's regulate, and then let's come back and talk about what the issues are. respect both of your needs for space because it might be let's take a quick 30 right we don't need to change people we're not trying to villainize them we're not trying to make them the wrong person we're just trying to understand what is coming up for us and maybe you need space maybe you don't then again it's about self-compassion and no judgment cut the judgment start to understand if your partner says I don't feel like you listen to me you don't need to attack them it's oh you know what okay that's a totally valid concern when have I given you that reason could you share examples with me

so I understand when you don't feel heard. And then what can I do about that in those moments? Right? Like I used to tell Ryan and he didn't understand. I'd say, put your fucking phone down. And I gave him like 10 examples of like in the middle of me talking, you're on your phone. And so now the second, if I'm talking, he'll, if I, the minute I make eye contact with him and I see he's on his phone, I'll either stop and I'll be like, it's okay, get what you need to get done? I'd like to be heard.

Or the second I say, he'll put his phone down and he'll look at me and he's like, okay, what did you want to share? Because we have that, we've talked about it. We understand it. We understand that about each other. If it's not an emergency. okay if it's an emergency i'm just like oh shut my mouth you got to do but if we're talking and he picks up his phone no i'm just gonna stop and he knows what that means so that's what i mean by like i don't need to judge them i don't need to i just need to understand and listen and be able to talk and

then set a boundary and then we can then also validate their experience as well as yours hey i am so sorry if i if i did something to make you feel like that i'm don't give some bullshit apology of i'm sorry you feel that way i don't fucking be condescending here i'm sorry if my actions made you feel that way. That was never my intention. What can I do moving forward that will make you feel more seen, heard and understood? You guys are a fucking team, right? You're a team. You're not against each other. We, we, we, we, we are together to. You have to know who you are, but you also have to understand how to work with a partner. It can't just be, that's why I made that post the other day. Like, if you don't accept me at my worst, you don't get me at my best. It's like, get fucked.

Why do I need to accept you at your worst for me to get you at your best? No, it's manage your shit. Be able to manage your emotions and not take it out on every. and scream and yell. Like it's, you're not a 12-year-old. You're not six. You don't get to have temper tantrums and have your parents say, oh, it's fine, unconditional love.

Nah, this shit's conditional. I don't have to take your shit. I don't have to. You're erratic and you're a loose cannon. You're a liability. I don't need to be around you. That's not secure. That's triggering to me.

So we have to also look internally of ourselves versus our partners as well. Do you have space to hold for each other? Right? Like if you guys were coming with me as a client and I hold space for you, I allow you to feel and all that. And I'm like,

Wow, thank you for sharing. That's holding space for somebody. Even if it hurts you, maybe we can stop for a second. If you notice that you're starting to get defensive, hey, I'm going to say something I don't want to say to you. I need to go regulate. I'm going to go for a walk for 20 minutes. Can we meet back and talk? I'd really want to have this more regulated. If you can't say that to your partner without like becoming an issue, it's like, okay, that's the first step. So I'm really hopeful, guys. After all of this, that we can help you manage your emotions and be able to come back home to yourself so that you can sit in your body and you are more comfortable with what's going on. That's what I mean by sit in the discomfort.

It means that you don't try to numb and distract and go. You allow it and then you move through it. So that by the end of it, you're like, okay, so I'm sad that this person didn't text me. All right, well, I'm allowed to be sad. That's a bummer. But I also don't need to make this the end of the fucking world. I can process it because it reminds me my dad. So it's not really about this other person. And then I'm a little bit more clear headed. And now I can go on with my day, right? Instead of ruminating and spiraling all day. But it's really important. Like if you follow the steps I gave. No, it's not going to just happen the first time and all of a sudden you're going to be hunky dory, but commit to it. Again, it's not a lack of information. It's a lack of

implementation. I gave you guys step by fucking step guidance and gave an example of how I do it. Now, go be free, my babies. Find some tools that work for you. Is it walking? Is it doing the shakes? Remember, regulating is a couple of minutes. If it doesn't work, okay, regulate. Do some more things to make your, to allow yourself to be back in the moment. Is it having a hot cup of tea when you feel a little dorsal and shut down? Is it putting your phone away because that's not helping you right now? And maybe just doing a little bit of movement and doing five minutes of yoga. Whatever it is for you to feel, come back to your body and come back to your emotions and come back to you,

the more you try to run from that and I was hurt. I ran from that shit for years. I thought I was healed and I was all intellectualizing that shit. Nah, I just didn't want to deal with the pain and the emotion. So I just thought if I just dealt with other people and distracted myself, I wouldn't. Don't worry, babes. It will find you. So I love you guys.

Thank you for everything. As always, if you guys need anything, you know, the link is in the show notes. You got the course. You got the questions. You got the, duh. I'm here to help. I'm here to love. And I'm here to support you guys.

And I'm just so grateful for you guys. So thank you. And until next time, my babies.