The Sabrina Zohar Show - 97: How To Actually Change Your Life With Liz Moody

Episode Date: September 17, 2024

Liz Moody, a journalist turned podcaster and author, sits down with Sabrina to talk about how to grow into the person you want to be. Liz shares some of her personal journey and emphasizes saying yes to yourself. She and Sabrina encourage people to start by figuring out what they truly want, free from external pressures, and to identify their motivations. Liz suggests reflecting on life from the perspective of one's deathbed to prioritize what really matters. Both Liz and Sabrina talk about the need for granular clarity in relationships and life goals, advocating for commitment devices to help follow through on intentions. Building self-trust is crucial, and this can be done by making quick decisions, keeping small promises, and embracing discomfort. Liz also highlights the importance of setting structural boundaries, such as limiting phone use, and choosing "your hard" while maintaining perspective on bigger life priorities. Finally, Sabrina and Liz encourage practicing gratitude and romanticizing the little things in life, as focusing on the positives can rewire the brain for happiness. Get Liz's book, "100 Ways to Change Your Life: The Science of Leveling Up Health, Happiness, Relationships & Success" Struggling with a breakup? Join the Make It Make Sense: Getting Through a Breakup course from Sabrina and Britt Frank HERE! Stuck After the Podcast? Master Implementation in 8 Weeks with Sabrina's Foundation Course HERE! Get Ad free and 2 Bonus episodes a month HERE! Want to work with Sabrina? HERE! Don't forget to follow Sabrina and The Sabrina Zohar Show on Instagram and Sabrina on TikTok! Video now available on YOUTUBE! Disclaimer: The Sabrina Zohar Show, formally known as Do The Work, is not affiliated with A.Z & associates LLC in any capacity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, hello, hello. And welcome to another episode of the Sabrina Zohar show. My name is Sabrina Zohar and I am your host. Welcome back to another bonus episode. I like bonus episodes. They're fun. They're a little wild card, right? Is it going to be a guess?

Is it a solo? Who knows? And today we have the fabulous Liz of Moody on the podcast. So excited, guys. She is such a joy, such a treat. And we did a podcast swap so I'm on her show. You guys can listen and take a listen to see between the two. we have a totally different conversation, which is fun. But today, we have Liz on to talk about,

like, how do you actually grow as a person? Like, how do you implement changes into your life? And how do you start to just evolve, grow, change, and become into the person that you want to be? And so I'm so excited for this conversation, guys. Thank you, as always, for everything. Thank you to the subscribers. Thank you to the course members. Guys, if you need anything, everything is in the show notes. If you want to work with me, join the course, whatever you need, it's there. And please, as always, do not forget to leave a review, share it with your friends, even just telling your friends about the podcast helps more than you will know. And just leave a review wherever and please follow along.

On Apple, they changed things. So if you followed before and you didn't listen to a couple episodes, they're now unfollowing you automatically. Thank you guys so much. So guys, please don't forget, follow along, follow on the social so that we can keep connected. And guys, as always, thank you for showing up as you so you allow me to show up as me. So without further ado, let's get right on into it, shall we? Liz, welcome to the Sabrina Zohar Show. I am so fucking excited to have you here.

I'm so excited to be here. Dude, thank you so much for coming on. Oh my gosh, thank you for coming on my show. I'm so excited. We're doing a little swap. A little swap. I love it because we get to amplify our voices and we get to help more fucking people.

Yeah. And so before we dive in, because we're going to talk about so much good stuff, could you just introduce yourself, share with our audience who doesn't make me know who you are, like how you got started. Who is Liz? I'd love to learn more.

Yeah, my name's Liz Moody. I'm a longtime journalist. So I started in the editorial world. I was working at magazines, newspapers since I was 16 years old, actually. I walked into a newspaper office in my hometown, and I was like, you guys should have a column for teenagers, and I should write it. And they were like, okay. And then it ended up being nationally syndicated. And that's actually a big part of my story is this idea of never be the one to say no to yourself.

It's one of my life mottos. The idea is that there's always going to be somebody out there who might say no to you. But that person shouldn't be you because then you can build belief in yourself. And often the things that you think will be knows are actually going to be yeses. And I've shared this online. I've shared it on my podcast. And I've gotten here so many fun yeses that people have gotten. They've gotten houses they didn't think they would get. They've gotten partners they didn't think they'd get.

They've gotten raises, all these things. So never be the one to say no to yourself. Started my career. I was a journalist for a really long time. I wrote cookbooks. And then I ended up leaving the editorial world to kind of launch my own media company, which is what I do now. I have the Liz Moody podcast, which you're going to be on.

We're going to do some hot takes on dating, which I'm very, very excited about. And then I have my book, which is called A Hundred Ways to Change, your life. And it's a really fun book. It has these little digestible snippets of science-backed tips and then ways that you can action them. And I'm sure we're going to get into a lot of that stuff today. I was about to say, I'm like, I cannot wait. I'm like, we don't have to go all over a hundred. You want to quiz me. Yeah, exactly. Number 56, go. You say you fucking wrote this. I wouldn't do it. But no, I'm just stoked because I think you have such an inspirational story, like you said, of don't say no to yourself first. And I think, I mean, at least for me,

like when I first started all of this, I was. I was saying no to myself of like, No one wants to listen to me. No one cares about me. And it's like, yeah, sometimes you really have to actually just go out and say like, hey, I'd like this. And somebody might have be like, okay, I could do that. And you're like, oh, oh, I was saying no to myself this whole time. Now, I'm curious. Were you cognizant of the fact, like the saying no to yourself? Like, have you always had that awareness of pushing through and supporting yourself or were when you were younger and people would say no, you were like, oh, okay. I really have always had kind of the chutzpah. Like, I've always kind of been like, hey, like, the world.

can be mean, so why would you be mean to yourself? Like, why would you not have your own back? And it's worked for me for so, so long. Like, it's worked for me from my earliest memories of being like, well, why not just ask? Why not just ask? And so I think I've gotten to see those results throughout my life. And so I've always been to never be the one to say no to yourself, girly. Oh, I love that. I got my first book deal that way. I literally, so I pitched this popsicle series for women's health, this healthy popsicle series. And I was like, I'll develop some recipes for you. And they were like, okay, which that was never be the one to say no to yourself moment. But then I was like, wait, I've never seen a cookbook about healthy popsicles. I googled it and there had never been one.

And then I Googled how to write a cookbook proposal. And I copied one that I found online. I just did my own content for it, but I copied the format. And then I googled how to get an agent. And then I sent it off to an agent. And then I got, I had seven publishing houses bidding over my first cookbook because I wasn't just like, no, you're not qualified. Why would you get to write a book? And then that led to my next book deal. And then that led to me being able to grow my brand to the place where I could write this book that's really close to my heart, 100 ways to change your life. Oh, I love that. So wait.

Okay. So the first one was a cookbook. What was the second book? A cookbook as well. Ah, was another cookbook. Okay. What was the second one about? It's called healthier together.

And it's recipes for two. And it's about how we can learn and grow and succeed more in community than we can by ourselves. Oh, I fucking love that. So that really led to the podcast, which was about how can we learn together? How can we get these experts and scientists on to share actionable information that we can use to change our lives. and have fun along the way. I feel like a lot of science-backed podcasts out there can be kind of dry.

And I'm like, life is too short to be boring. So we're going to have fun. We're going to do all that. We're going to do it in community. So that cookbook really led to the podcast, which has grown so far beyond that. Oh, I fucking love that. Okay.

I'm curious because I think for anybody listening, I think a lot of people want to change, right? We have that desire. And like, at least the audience that we have, we love all of you guys. But we are a lot of, I'm going to say we, because we are part of this community. But like, it's a lot of anxiety,

a lot of dating, a lot of, I want to change. which is like another hot take of like if you wanted to, he would. I'm like, it's not about want, right? I can want something really bad, but I might not have the bandwidth. But I think in your experience and with writing the book and everything, where do you start? Right. Like you had to start somewhere. We start somewhere. Like what for you was the like catalyst or a great place in your experience and with all of the things that you've learned. If you're eager to start changing, where do you begin? Figuring out what you want is the most important thing. And that feels very like, oh, of course, I've already done that. But I don't think a lot of people have actually taken the time to release. zoom out and figure out what their individual unique goals are because we are bombarded with so many messages on a day-to-day basis about what we should want, what we should be doing, especially in things like dating, it's like, oh, you should be with this type of person, you should be following these rules. And that's not true. I think about this all the time with the short guy thing

that's happening right now where people are like, you have to put your height and your profile. And I don't know if a lot of people have stepped back and been like, well, how high is that on my list of my personal desires for my partner? Or is this something that I've been sort of bullied into, by the fact that that's the norm now in app culture. And am I just ruling out? I have a friend, Logan Yuri, and she's the director of dating science, I think, at Hinge. And she's written an incredible book about this. But I think she says like 80% or something of men are being ruled out by these height standards that we have out there, which is crazy.

So I'm just like zooming out and figuring out what we actually want is the most important first step to changing and then figuring out what our motivation is for wanting those things. So I have two actionable steps that we can use to actually do that. Please. One is thinking about our death. This is one of my favorite things to do. Okay. I'm so here. We do have a mortality.

So I'm like it's important to acknowledge that. We do. And I don't think it has to feel morbid. I think zooming out and thinking about yourself on your deathbed and really looking back at your life and saying what's going to have mattered to me and what is not going to have mattered to me is a really important thing that we can all do to kind of break out of the grooves that we get ourselves into at our life. lives of the like, oh, I should be doing this. I should be here at this point. I should be interested in this type of person. So zoom out on your deathbed. What type of person do you wish you had dated? What type of

memories do you wish you'd had with them? What type of job do you wish you'd been doing? What do you regret not having done more of? What do you regret having let yourself stay in for too long? And you can ask yourself these questions and really try to get a felt bodily sense of how you will feel when you're looking back on your the end of your life. So that's step one. And then two is figuring out the why behind whatever your goals are. So if you're like, okay, I really want a partner. We're talking about dating. Why? What are you expecting that person to bring to your life? I don't think that, well, I just want a partner because I want one, is going to give you the motivation to make the changes that you need to make to get unstuck and to create the life that you want to live. So for me, I'm going to use the example of my anxiety,

which has been a huge, huge, huge motivator in my life. But once I was able to recognize that getting rid of my anxiety was one of my number one goals, there was a point in my life. We don't have to get in this whole story, but I was agoraphobic, and I was having panic attacks every day, and I couldn't get out of bed for months without having panic attacks. And so, okay, let's rewind. I was trying to make all these health changes because I wanted to look a certain way. I wanted to have my body be thinner.

I wanted to be accepted in a certain way by society. Women's health was telling me I needed to eat less, all these different things. I saw these magazine covers. I was like, cool. I can never stick to it. I can never make these changes that I need to make. Once I connected, oh, if I work out, I'll have less anxiety.

This is my number one why. Again, I'm trying to stay out of bed and not have panic attacks at the time. Once I connected, oh, if I have nutrients in my body, I don't have panic attacks. Once I connected, oh, if I get a good night sleep, so I don't sit up scrolling on my phone, I won't have panic attacks.

That was a why that resonated with me and I've been able to stick to every single habit that I wanted to stick to since I was able to recognize that why. So we're zooming out. We're thinking about our death. We're thinking about what we really want our life to look like at the end of the day. And then we're taking the learnings from that. And we're figuring out the whys for our everyday actions in ways that are actually going to motivate us to change our behavior and stick to the habits that we need to stick to. I love that. I do. I think zooming out, because it's like sometimes we also need to be cognizant of like, yeah, we're not guaranteed very long here. And I want to make sure that the marks that I'm leaving are impactful. And the people that I'm meeting are something. Because like I am curious. because you did say you have anxiety. I've had anxiety for my entire life. That's very much something that I'm very comfortable with, if you will. And I think for me, my mom always said she's like,

when you're sick and tired of being sick and tired, you'll make a change. I was just going to say that. I think that sometimes we become comfortable with certain kinds of discomfort, and until we become comfortable with the discomfort of uncertainty, we're not going to make changes. 100%. We all have the one person that you date that you're like, oh, that one, but it was a lesson, right? It was such a mark. And this is, unfortunately, I didn't learn the lesson the first time I had to date this person again and then go through hell and back. But you know what? Part of the journey. And I remember when he ended it. It was like the same fucking rhetoric I had heard a thousand times. It's not me. It's not you. I'm just not ready. And you're like, damn it. Dude, it's been almost two months. We were finally making intimacy was happening. And he freaked out. And that was that moment for me where I was like, I am done with this. And my motivation wasn't, I want a partner. It's like you said. It's like, I ask that all the time of like, okay, what do you want to do with a partner? I want to do fun stuff. Okay, well, what does that mean? What is fun to you? How is your partner going to fit into that fun? Are they going to go with you?

Do you need somebody that does it? Getting granular about it allows you then to be like, oh, yeah, actually you're right. Maybe I don't need somebody that does that. But what I would love is this. And being able to be cognizant about that, look at that, and then start to look and say, okay, the common denominator was me. It was a pattern. I was doing the same things over and over again.

And so for me, my motivation was, I want to make a change in my life so I don't feel like this anymore because it was feeling so heavy. And sometimes it's like that for me, it was enough to say, okay, you know what, I'm going to go see a therapist. Okay, what's going to happen if I see a therapist? They're going to help me make more awareness help me make more understanding of things. And yeah, it was two years of self-awareness being cultivated. That's not necessarily meaning I was making all these changes yet, but it was a start, right? Like it was progress and you're making it. And then you just, as you start to do all of these things, you start to realize like, oh, wow, yeah, I used to handle that very differently.

Right? Like, I'm curious for you. When was there, was there a moment for you where you were like, wow, I've really grown. Like, I've really handled things differently with anxiety than I used to. Ooh, that's an interesting question. I will answer it just a second, but I do want to speak to what you just said for a second because I think one of the biggest mistakes that people make in dating is not getting granular about what they want. And so then what they think they want doesn't actually align with their goals and they

focus on the wrong things. I have a girlfriend right now and she's dating a guy who she doesn't consider as physically attractive or physically attractive in the same way that she thought she was. would be attracted to. And she comes to me and she's like, is this okay? And I'm like, well, are you attracted to him? And she's like, yes, we have the best acts that I have ever had in my entire life. And I'm like, what is the problem? And she's like, well, I just pictured myself with a guy who is like this tall and he dressed like this and his hair looked like this and this guy isn't that. And I'm like, what does that get you? What does that get you? Unless you're like my goal with my

partner is to take photos that look like this, which I don't think is what a lot of us are looking for in a partner, it gets you nowhere. I think if you really sit back and you're like, I want a partner who's going to make me laugh when I'm really down during the day. I want a partner who's going to read the newspaper with me Sunday morning in bed and not make me feel like I need to be going up and doing a bunch of stuff. Or conversely, I want a partner who's going to inspire me to go and do all these things. We don't think about the shape of our lives with a partner and we don't think about how they would fit into the life that we want to live. And I think that's one of the biggest, biggest, biggest mistakes that we make in dating. Oh, I couldn't agree more. A moment that I really felt

like I'd change. I mean, I, one thing that I think is really important is I don't think there is a moment where you're like, I've done this. I've succeeded. My anxiety is gone. I still deal with anxiety on a pretty regular basis. And I think that's really important. One of the reasons I even structured my book, the way that it is, it's a hundred distinct tips. It's not like a book you read through and you finish. It's a book you leave out. And you're like, oh, tip 37 sounds good right now. You read it for five minutes. You put the book down. is because our needs change as we evolve and grow over time. And so I would say there was never a single moment where I was like, oh, girl, you got this.

More just like, I'll wake up feeling a certain day. I'll wake up feeling a certain way one day and be like, oh, wait, I have a tool that can actually help me with this. Or I'll feel kind of like sluggish and lethargic. And instead of being like, don't go work out, you feel sluggish and lethargic. I'll be like, wait, I remember that moving my body actually is the thing that gives me energy. So throughout the day, I'm able to grab these tools and create a life that feels the way that I want it to feel. And of course, you know, I've had big moments. Like when I was on my book tour, I went on the Today Show and I was like thinking as I'm on live TV in front of millions of people like that it's wild that, you know, not that long ago I couldn't get out of bed without having a panic attack and those moments aren't lost on me.

But I also just think it's important to be like there's not going to be a moment where you're like, done it. I'm amazing. Life is great. but more recognizing that it's all evolving and it's okay. Like I don't beat myself up for having panic attacks now or anything like that. Oh yeah, no, allow me to clarify. I don't mean that you're going to be healed. That doesn't exist.

No, no, more of the moments of like, wow, I used to handle this by screaming. And like, this time I actually just like said thank you and walked off. That was for me, especially in relationships, because it's funny, your friend that you described, that was me. Yeah. When I first met my partner, it wasn't that he was not attractive, but I was like, that's not my type. That's not the same guy.

It was called for. And I was like, but that's not who I thought. And I remember my mama looked at me and she goes, okay, yeah, how's that? Where's that led you? Where is that led you? Sabrina? And I was like, oh, right, the train of wanting validation. And I, okay, that means that I'm pretty enough to get that. And I had to really understand myself. And even that for me, I was like, whoa, that's huge growth. I was not that girl. I would have walked away from this person and been like, no, you don't have what I want. Instead, I was like, wait a minute, but what do I need? Oh, I need to feel seen heard and understood. Well, this person has a great space for me to feel that. And being very cognizant of like, I wanted somebody that does this. And I got very granular of like, I want somebody that's going to make me meals because I don't cook. It's not my thing. I will order all day. And he loves to cook. And so I remember our third date. He was like, hey, I made you lunch because I know you said you're not going to eat if I don't.

And I was like, motherfucker. But if I hadn't gotten granular and understood this is what I need, this is what I need to feel showing up and things like that. But like even there right there, you being on the fucking Today Show. Yeah. I started all of this a year and a half ago. Prior to that, this bitch was a hot mess. I know. So it's a lot of...

It's so interesting, like, how change can happen and these, like, you can have these light bulb moments. And you can also have things. I had the experience on my book tour as I was, like, saying stuff out loud to these audiences of people where I had already, before I said stuff on my book tour, I had already researched it. I'd done podcast episodes about it. I had written about it in my book. I had edited my book. I had sat with this material for so long.

But then I'd have moments where I was saying it out loud. And I would be like, wait, this is. good information, I should apply this to my life. So I do think that people also need to be gentle with themselves because sometimes you'll hear a message for years and years and years and years. And this has certainly happened to me. And then one day, for one magical reason, that's going to be the day that that message seeps in and you're going to make the change. So I always say, like, let it all in because then it'll be there. It'll be in that like back bookcase of your brain so that when your brain needs that book, it can pull it out and it'll hand it to you and then

you'll change your life. It's so true. I remember when I first, like prior to being, my partner, I was the broken record of like, he hasn't text me enough, he hasn't text me enough, he isn't text me enough. And it's like, everybody is telling me in my history of like, that doesn't mean anything. Nope, I swear. But it didn't click until one day when I was telling my sister's mother-in-law, I was like, yeah, you know, Ryan, I'm dating. I said, yeah, he's just not a big texter. And she just snaps at me out of where we goes, here we go again. Sabrina's going to end another relationship because she's not getting what she wants off the bat and she wants texting. And I remember just being like, uh, uh, what? And it just seeped in. And I was like,

no, no, that's not going to be my fucking reality here. And I was like, I was like, I didn't say that because I was going to do anything about it. And I was like, but sometimes it's just enough to be like, oh, fuck, I don't want to keep doing this anymore. And I didn't. And I'm really glad I didn't because that's the partner I ended up being with. I love that you have all these strong women in your life who are like telling you these things. Like, wow, the fact that your mom was able to say that and then was that your friend's mom?

My sister's mother-in-law. Here's the reality, though. That's only new. I grew up with no strength of women. I grew up with my grandmother who was a very strong woman, but she was silenced. She was an immigrant. She didn't speak English. She didn't have a job. She didn't have any of that. But she always would tell us, you know, you should be doing this. But it's hard when you're like, but you say I should do it. I don't see it. My mother was a people pleaser. She had no backbone. My father was incredibly narcissistic. No women. All of the aunts married alcoholics who abused them. So I grew up thinking like I, what I have is too much. Like this is not good. Having strength is not cute as a woman. Be feminine. Don't have these strengths. And then as I've gotten older, I had to save myself because I realized there was nobody around. And by me coming into that space, it allows,

other people to show up and say, well, yeah, no, you should be doing that and have that voice as well. And so I wish, I wish I could be like, oh, thank God for my mom. That's why I'm here. And I'm like, now. But prior to that growing up, it was very much me alone. And it's like, and that's, you know, duality. Like it created who I am. But it's so important to your point that as you're on your journey, be very cognizant of who you surround yourself with. Oh, 100%. And also what you're receptive to. I think what you just said is like there was not a time in my life where I maybe, you were in, I wasn't inviting people to give me feedback in this way. And I think being cognizant of how you receive feedback is really going to change the feedback that people feel comfortable giving

you. Now I'm curious. 100 ways to change your life. Could you tell me like some tops that really stand out to you? I love your tools and I love that you're giving tools because I'm big on that of like, let's not just be like, oh yeah, just count to two and then get up. It's like, okay, but can we go deeper? What are some standouts for you in the book or just in general in your own practice that you're like, oh yeah, this is a gutty? One, I've, loved recently as commitment devices. Have you heard of these? No, go on. Okay, so this is from the work of Dr. Katie Milkman. She's at Warton. And again, this is an example. I've wrote about it in the book. I did a podcast interview with Dr. Katie Milkman about how to change. And it still didn't quite,

I was like, oh, that's a great idea. But I was like, doesn't apply to me. That's fine. And then this year, I was like, maybe I'll try this. And it worked, it changed my life. It was incredible. So commitment devices are essentially, if you want to do something, motivation is not enough. So you need to find some sort of external thing to make you commit to that thing. So whether that is an external person, a friend that you make a workout date with and you don't want to disappoint your friend, you're willing to disappoint yourself. Unfortunately, I wish that weren't the case, but it often is. Or making a financial commitment to something. If you have a habit that you want to change, I have a girlfriend who's trying to write a book right now. And she said, if I don't give you

the book on this date, I have to send you $500. And then you have to send me back like $100 every week's not done or something like that. I got the $500. But, It didn't work in that instance. But she's really motivated to write it now because she's like, I lost $500 in this endeavor and I need to get my shit together. But a financial commitment can be a really great way. There's a lot of apps that let you donate to political causes that you don't believe in or philanthropies that you don't believe in if you don't achieve your goals.

And so I use this recently for working out. I wanted to have a solid workout routine. I've been doing home workouts forever, but I'd find myself procrastinating for, like two hours and be like, just hit play. It's not that hard. And then I wouldn't hit play. And I'd skip my workout and my morning would feel really sluggish. And it was just not where I wanted to be, especially since, as I said earlier, working out is so, so important for my mental health and for my energy. And so I started signing up for workout classes every single morning. I sign up for them first thing in the morning. So I roll out of bed. I go to my workout class. I look like not cute at all.

I'm not in like the cute little sets. I'm like, oh, I just got here. I woke up five minutes ago. But because I have that financial commitment, I'm not willing to break it. And so I'm up out of bed and I've done my workout before I start my work day every single day. And it's really made a huge, huge change. So I think looking around your life and saying, what's one habit that I really want to stick to that I haven't been able to and finding some sort of external commitment, whether it's a person or whether it's financial, something that you would not want to lose. That's the problem with my friend with the money one is she was more willing. She said to me later, she was like, yeah, I just realized that like, even though I'm, I'm not, she's not rich, but she's like, I just don't care about losing money that much.

Like, I'm not very interested in money as a concept. And I was like, okay. So you need a different commitment device. But choose something that really matters to you and use that as a way to stick to a goal that you wouldn't otherwise be able to. I love that. I really do, because I'm the same. I'm same with workout classes. I'm like, no, I'm going to book this.

Yeah. Because in the morning, I'm not going to want to, but it's $35 fucking dollars I'm going to lose. And I have done that four times already. And it's like, I'm not going to keep doing that. I'm unwilling. Like, the idea of losing. money is the most motivating thing for me. I hate waste as a concept. It's probably something I need to work on later in therapy because I hate wasting time. I hate wasting money. I just don't like

the idea that you put something into something and not gotten value out of it. Interesting. So a bit of a cost buys. Yeah. It's like, well, we can explain it. But they work very well for me as a result of that. That's the thing. Some of those coping mechanisms and protective mechanisms do work. Yeah. Like they are a lot. They do. It's just a matter of like, if you're okay with it, cool. But it's so interesting. As you were saying that, I was like, huh, I've started to do that. And that's something I've ever recommended to anybody that listens. I'm like, sure.

You want to take your fucking self-development and your dating life seriously, but you're only willing to listen to free stuff. And you're only going to get a free guide online. And why do I have to listen to this with ads? And I want it all for free. And I'm just going to go do this. And it's like, that's cool. If you don't invest in yourself, it's going to be really hard to fucking hold yourself accountable.

Because I know when I pay $400 for a course, I'm like, oh, no. I'm doing the course. I think that's half of why courses work is not even the content, but simply people are like, oh, I spent money on this. I need to get something out of it. I need to stick to whatever goal I said that maybe purchase this course in the first place. 100%. I created the foundation course.

And I had a couple of people and they wrote in there like, can I have a refund? I'm never going to do it. And I was like, nope, no, no, there is no refunds. And I was like, and the reason we drip it out is so that you have every week to implement the material you're learning because I can listen all day. It ain't got last. And then I got an email from a few of them, but like one of them specifically, was like, thank you. Thank you for forcing me to do this. Not forcing you, but she was like,

thank you for holding me accountable for the decision I made, which was to purchase this and you have a return policy that is non-negotiable. And she was like, because these questions opened my eyes in ways that I wasn't ready for. And it's like, fuck yeah. Like that's the goal, but we have to be willing to get uncomfortable. And that was something I wanted to ask because I think I talk about the shit all the time, like sit in the discomfort, sit in the discomfort. What if you have any strategies or helpful ways for being able to sit in discomfort, to do things. that make you feel uncomfortable because we know growth, right? Like, I don't want to fog a nice bath, but I know it's probably good for me. It's going to help my anxiety. But like even my partner,

somebody had written in the other day saying, I don't want to go on dating apps. I hate them. They make me uncomfortable. Like I just, I'm just so tired of them. I want to meet people another way. And his response was, no, no, no, no, do what makes you uncomfortable. He was like, I'm not saying you have to meet everybody on a dating app. He was like, but stop avoiding it because you just don't like it. And instead say, how can I grow my window of tolerance? How can I expand? How can I do that. But it was curious if you have anything personally that you love to use or ways that you get through that discomfort, because I think a lot of people wrote in saying, how do I get, how do I do that without getting stuck? So I would offer a counter question, which is how can we

learn what discomfort we should be tolerating and how can we learn to trust our judgment of what discomfort has growth on the other side and which discomfort is simply uncomfortable and we shouldn't be subjecting ourselves to. So in that vein, I think building yourself trust is probably one of the best things that you can do to begin to tolerate discomfort. And again, know what discomfort you should be tolerating that that is in line with your goals. And I have two specific things that people can do for that that I really like and that have helped me a lot. So one is just building your decision-making muscle. And this is a lot easier than people think. This is from the work of Dr. Aziz Gazapora. He did a whole episode with me about confidence and how we can build our confidence and really

like tangible science-backed ways. And this is so, so easy. So the idea is anytime you're face with a little decision, just make it quickly. Just make it super, super fast. Don't be sitting there. A menu is a great example. You're sitting there. You're staring at the menu. I used to ask my husband what dish would make me the happiest, which is insane. It's insane. Like, talk about the opposite of building your decision-making muscle. It's like, will I be happier with the sandwich or the salad? You tell me. Yeah, like, I need to. So literally just sit there, you can put your hand on your heart. It'll feel cheesy. But like, like, you can put your hand on your heart, look at the menu and say, what will I be happiest with? And pick that thing. And then the secret to this that makes it especially

effective is you aren't always going to pick correctly. But when you get back that meal and you're looking across at your friend's meal and you're like, wait, their meal is better. Did I order wrong? You're learning to sit in that discomfort, that mild discomfort of like, I made a choice. It maybe wasn't the best choice, but I'll survive. I'll be okay. My life isn't over. So these little tiny at the cereal aisle, the grocery store, when you have the 47 tabs open trying to figure out which pair of leggings to order. Just order a pair of leggings. One, you're going to get so much time back because these decisions do not really matter as much

as we think that they matter. But two, you're going to learn to build that decision-making muscle, which is going to build your self-trust muscle. And you're going to experience these little micro moments of discomfort. And you're going to build your muscle in terms of sitting in the discomfort. The other thing that I really like to do to build self-trust is to keep promises to myself. I think keeping promises to yourself is the single best way to build like a loving, trusting relationship with yourself. And it happens all of the time that we break these promises to ourselves.

A classic example that shows up in my life is I'll tell myself no phone in bed. And then I'll be like, well, no, you had a really hard day. Like you deserve it. Just scroll a little bit in bed. Your sleep's worse. I just had a neurologist in my podcast who was like even if you don't feel like your sleep is worse after you're scrolling on your phone at night, you're having less quality of sleep. So even for like, oh, I slept eight hours,

the quality of the sleep was less good, and so you're less rested. And you're just like, I never feel good when I do it. I've been thinking about a lot recently. What are the treats and rewards I'm giving myself that are actually making me feel worse because that means they're not really treats and rewards? And phone and bed is one of those for me.

So I'll make the promise to myself, no phone in bed. I'll break it. And then I'm teaching myself that my word isn't trustworthy. So then when I'm trying to make another promise to myself, oh, you'll go to the gym this morning, or I'm just telling myself something about myself. You're lovable. You deserve to have a great partner. You're smart.

You're capable. All these things. I'm like, who are you? I don't trust you. Who's that voice? I've built no sense of trusting relationship with that voice. So these little micro moments are all opportunities to either break that trust or build that trust.

And as much as you can use them to build that trust, the better. So a really actionable way to do that outside of identifying it is just pick one tiny promise to make yourself. Maybe you'll say, I'm going to take one walk. around the block every single day. Lower the bar, lower the bar, lower the bar until you can keep that promise. And it will start to build that self-trust foundation, which again is going to lead to being able to know what decisions you should be making to push yourself through into a discomfort place that will have growth on the other side or which ones maybe aren't for you.

Amazon presents Jeff versus Taco Truck Salsa, whether it's Verde, Roja or the orange one. For Jeff, trying any salsa is like playing Russian roulette with a flamethrower. Luckily, Jeff saved with Amazon and stocked up on antacids, ginger tea, and milk. Habaniero? More like habanier, yes. Save the everyday with Amazon. Growing that muscle for myself was really important of like, if I say I'm going to do something, I'm going to do it. And if I don't, it's okay. I'm a human. But Britt Frank, she's a neuropsychotherapist. I don't know, you know, I love her. I fucking love bread. Very good friend of mine. And she, all the time, she's like, micro yeses, dude, micro yeses. And she was like, I want you to make them insultingly small. Like, she was like, fine, you want to go for a walk every day, right? Like, for me, walking's big. But some people, they haven't done it. And she was like, don't go from nothing to your walking six miles. She was like, your nervous system's not going to be able to handle that and it's not going to be sustainable. So she was like, break that down. You want, tomorrow you want to go for a walk, put your shoes by the door. That's it. That's what you did for the day. Then maybe the next day, you put your socks on. Then maybe, if she was like, it to almost where you're like, really? Yes, because that is your way that you're showing up for

yourself. Oh, I can do this. Okay, I can do more. I can do more. It's like New Year's resolutions, right? We think, okay, I'm going to change the world tomorrow. And then New Year's hits and you're like, ah, fuck this, I can't do it. And it's like, was, it's way too overwhelming and scary. But if we can actually minimize, and like you said, even if you do it, it's okay. I'm a human. I'm not going to fucking attack myself. I've attacked myself enough. I've had 34 years of it. And the big one, though, Let's hold on to that. No phones in bed. I have the same. I, because I don't sleep. I do not get sleep. So bad for us. Are you, you, you're a bad sleeper? Bad sleeper in the sense. We're like, I'll sleep the eight hours. And then I look at my whoop and it's like, you got 6% REM. I'm like, what the fuck? And I mask can really help with REM. Do you use an eye mask? No. We just have the blackout. And I mask is, because often there will be like little lights in the room or stuff like that. So eye mask can help a lot with REM sleep. As can going to bed earlier is better for deep sleep, but it can help with REM a little bit too. Yeah. It's like those struggles. And like I'll look at my whoop and I'll look at my whoop. And they're like, you were in high stress last night.

I'm like, fuck off. Of course I was. But even those little things. Like, once I started to correlate, I could feel my heart pounding. And like, let's be real. I didn't go from all to nothing. What I started to do was I red scaled my phone. I don't know if you've heard of this, a friend of mine, you know, where you put into red.

That way there was no blue light. Started there. Then I would start the way that I do is like, we stretch right outside of our room. And so now I started to, like, at first we'd stretch at seven and I wouldn't go to bed until 8.30 and like nine. And so I used to, instead of putting my phone in at seven, I would keep it by me. And then I got closer and closer of like, okay, instead of putting the phone in there at 845 and I'm going to go to bed at 846, I would put the phone outside of the room at 8. And I started getting earlier and earlier.

So now at 745, 8, that's it. Phone is done because I really could feel my anxiety. I'm in bed and I'm scrolling and I'm like, I can feel my heart just racing. I can feel my brain is now triggered on. I can't just go to bed now because I just saw a comment from Susie in Iowa who told me I cursed too much and she doesn't fucking like me. And now all of a sudden no one likes me anymore because Susie doesn't like me. This is a made-up name. Susie, if you're real.

But just things like that that I really started to understand, wait a minute, this isn't serving me. And then on top of it, it was, oh, okay, when I do that, I'm more anxious with my partner. Then he's getting really upset. Or I'll wake up and the first thing I do is grab my phone. Now, I didn't go from, I don't touch my phone for an hour. Like Nicole, neuroscience, we love her. She's like, sap, no phone for 30 to 60 minutes. And I'm like, 30, 60 minutes.

That's a long time when I wake up. So I meditate now, 10 minutes, right? It's those little increments of, and even Ryan the other day, he was like, you've been in better spirits in the morning without grabbing your phone. And it's like, yeah, because this is little device as beautiful as they are. Don't get me wrong. I love our tablets. But they're also our nervous system doesn't get it. Yeah. And it's so tough. Do you do phone anymore at all or is no phone at night? No phone at night. And I try to do like two hours before bed. But I do think you need, I think it's really important to acknowledge to ourselves that they are designed to be addictive. So you can't just decide, oh, I'm not going to do it. You need to actually build bounce. But I do it. But I do think you need to actually build bound. boundaries into place for yourself. I have something called a brick. Have you heard of that? No, talk to me. You like scan it with your phone and you choose apps that it doesn't allow you to access. And then until you scan it again, it doesn't let you access those apps. So it's really helpful if you need your phone as an alarm, but you don't want to scroll on anything on it or I'll scan it and then I'll leave for the day. And until I come home for the day, I can't unlock any of those

apps. So it takes away that automatic response of picking up your phone and just being like, wait, have you seen those TikToks that are like, there's a person lying on the ground and they're like, oh, wait, I was going to call the ambulance, but I opened TikTok instead. And we just have this automatic response to click these apps. And then you're scrolling and spend five minutes. And you're like, wait, I didn't even mean to open this app. But that's because it's designed to be addictive. And so I think being gentle with ourselves and saying, okay, this is designed to be addictive. So I need to build into place structural boundaries to break that addiction. The res skills is really helpful for that, putting in a different room. If you just say to yourself, I need the willpower to not reach for it,

you're going to lose every single time because it is quite literally designed to fight that. willpower 100%. I remember even years ago, like years ago, when I was like 20, a long time ago, the therapist I had and she was like, keep your phone out of your room. And she was insistent upon that. And she was like, it is not meant to be by your head in bed all night. And it's been, I keep it on the other side so that at least when you wake up and it's like, oh, but there's a great, I have Alexa for my meditation. And I'll ask her to throw something on. But I think it's really important because at the end of the day, we have to choose our hard, right? Like, I get it all the time. I'm like, this is hard. And it's like, well, I'm sorry. Who sold you the false bill of goods that it's

not going to be. Because waking up is hard. Literally, like I was talking to this earlier, like my skincare routine is hard, right? You know, like all the things that we have to do in a day are difficult, but we get to choose, one, how much weight we put on that difficulty. Like, I could put, putting my shoes on might be easy, but putting my shoes on for someone else might be difficult, right? So it's perspective. But it's also acknowledging like, yeah, I'm going to have to do hard things such as change the way I go to bed, change the way I wake up. I used to, personally, I used to go to bed at like two in the morning. I would be up on my phone watching TV. I'd wake up at 11. That was my every day. I wouldn't work out. I'd eat like

shit. And then I wondered why I was riddled with anxiety. Over the course of eight years, let me preface, this is over the course of eight years. I now am up at and bed every night at 830, up at 5. The first thing I do is I meditate. Then I will get to work after I've gone on a walk. Like there is a structure in place because I think it's important for us to take care of ourselves first and fucking foremost. Well, and that's where I go back to thinking about your death and figuring out your motivation, because I do think if you're sitting there and you're thinking, when I look back at my life, how many hours will I be okay that I spent scrolling on my phone? What will I regret missing out on? And if you really do the math on that, it can be very frightening and very motivating.

And then that gives you a really powerful why that you can use to change your behavior. Thank you for sharing that because it hit me with a memory of like when I used to waste my time texting and dating and just fucking incessant. Like I'd meet a guy in an app and I'll never forget. Like my mom, she has, she had six brain aneurysms. Like, she has been through hell and back. And we thought we were going to lose her quite a few times. And this was like two years ago that I was with her. And I, truth be told, I don't remember the day I spent with her, but I remember being on my fucking phone the whole time. I remember texting this person. Guess who never fucking met him? Never met this guy. To this day. It has been, and we spent morning,

noon, tonight videos and face times and, like, texting each other and all that stuff. And all I kept thinking after was like, I wasted time that I could have been with my mother, which she is not going to be here forever, and I would set myself on fire for that woman. But instead, what do I remember? Wasting my time on some guy on hinge that I literally never met that just talked to me all day. And so I'm glad you brought that up because we do have to look at, for anyone listening, that's like, well, but I just want to find someone, it's like, but if you don't stop to smell the roses of the life that you actually have and lift your fucking head to go, oh, it's sunny, oh, I'm alive. Oh, I have friends. And all you're doing is head down trying to, I need to find someone,

I need to find somebody. It's going to be really hard to make changes because you're not making those changes for you. You're making those changes hoping that somebody else is going to choose you. Really dangerous place to be. I had a woman on my podcast, Cassie Holmes, and she suggested that people literally do the math on the amount of experiences of a certain sort that they would have left in their life. So she used the example of a guy who loved going on walks with his dog. And she's like, okay, literally do the math on how many walks you have left with your dog likely based on the average lifespan of a dog. And he did. And he's like, wow, it's really not as many as you would think. And so then he started taking his dog to the beach to do walks and making the walks like something he really found special and he looked forward to. And it's, are you going to? Sorry, my dog passed away a couple years ago when I started all this. Please don't even. I have a 15-year-old cat. So I'm right there. So he started taking his dog to the beach and doing these really special walks in and not viewing it as a chore, but it's this relish time that he wouldn't get back. And then a few months later, his dog actually got cancer and passed.

And so doing that math, and even though the math ended up not being correct, but it made him appreciate how few of those moments that you have left. I was doing the math on the amount of summers that I have left in my life recently. And it's just none of it is as many as you would think. And I think having a real sense of perspective on that can really be a huge motivation for behavior change. Something that's so important that we really also have to look at it. It's the same as like freaking out because a person didn't text you and you're like, dude, there are so many bigger fucking things. to worry about in life besides this one person that you never fucking met responding back to you. And I don't mean, I don't think that means minimizing your feelings about it, but it's almost like,

is there a way to appreciate the moment of your life while also wanting to change? And I think those two things can sit side by side. And that's something I've had to work on in my life, in my career, and the messages that I give people so much. My book is called 100 Ways to Change Your Life. I don't want people to take from that. That means my life is shit right now because it doesn't at all. It means that you can love this moment and know that you only have this moment right now. If you're single, you're only single right now. Like this is a very, you're never going to get to do certain things that were in your single life again. You're never going to get to feel this way again. And you can desire and work towards change and growth. And those things can really live side by side. And I think

that's important to acknowledge and make space for. That's too conflicting thoughts. You're allowed, that's a huge sign of growth is being able to hold on to. I'm happy with my life, but I also do want a partner. Yeah. I have this moment right now, and I'm really grateful to be in it, but I'm also working towards this goal. And guess what? Once you have a partner, there's going to be something else that you're going to want. You're going to be happy.

I do think that dating is interesting because it leads to this false narrative. I think having children does this too. Or it's the if only when narrative. If only I had a house, I'd be happy. If only I made this much money. If only I had a partner, if only I had kids, you have this narrative of if this happens. And it leads to the arrival fallacy where you get to that moment. it doesn't feel the way that you think and you hit a hard, hard crash afterwards.

And so having this micro moments of gratitude sprinkled throughout your life, what are you grateful for this moment, this day, this week is a really nice way to counter out that sort of dopamine crash you're going to get after you get the thing that you think will make all of your dreams come true. The if this, then this, like, if I get this, then I get this. Yeah, that's because dopamine is literally the neurochemical of desire. It's trying to motivate you to get the next. thing. Dopamine doesn't care if you're happy when you get the next thing. So once you get it,

your dopamine is just going to drive you to want something else and something else and something else. We have to intentionally counteract that. Otherwise, we're going to be constantly desiring and never enjoying. My mama always said when I used to hang out of Clem and I would just be like, I'm sad and I'm alone and she would stop me and say, this could be the last time that you're single and alone. This could be the last time that you're doing that. So maybe we should enjoy it instead. And I started to. I started to reframe like, oh yeah, this could be my last Christmas or Hanukkah or whatever, you know, alone. And it's like, and she was right because... And what do I want to do? Like, do I want to put the Christmas tree right in the middle of the room? Do I want to, like, do

yoga naked? Every single day for every single meal. Like, what do I want to do? And there's such beauty and magic and that. And I just think there's such beauty and magic in all the different parts in our life. But by focusing on what's the next thing, we're missing that. Always, because by focusing on what's to come, you don't appreciate what you have. And that's the beauty of, like, if you want to change your life, that also starts with, like, somebody asked, you know, like how do I accept the life I'm living versus the life I want? And it's like, well, you can't always be searching for something you don't have. Eventually, we have to stop and say, okay, I don't need you to be happy. I don't need you to say I'm happy. I don't need you to say I'm okay. My therapist

always wanted you. How are you? I'd be like, I'm okay. And she's like, I'll take that. I will take an okay today. And I'm like, great, thank you. That's all you got. Did you know, though, that you can literally rewire your brain to feel more happiness on a day-to-day basis? Tell me how? So this is in my book. It's from Dr. Rick Hansen, and it's a really cool trick. So basically the idea is your brain wants to take the neural pathways that it's taken the most because it's like if you have a path through a meadow, there's a path that like people have walked on a lot. That's an easier path versus the path. It's like overgrown. It's got weeds. It's got grass all over it. So your brain wants to take that easier path. And so you can do this exercise to basically make your pathways of positive thinking more well worn. So your brain is more likely to take them in the future. And it involves a lot of the stuff we've been talking about. Essentially you notice these little micro positive moments in your life. It can be like, oh, that sunset's really pretty. Oh, I'm really enjoying this conversation. Oh, I loved my macha this morning. You notice the positive thing. You amplify it.

So you really like turn up that dial of positivity. Ooh, I'm loving this conversation. It's really good. This macha. Oh my gosh. I've become a real macha girl lately. This match is incredible. It's like got these grassy, sweet notes.

I love it so much. You turn up that dial and then you sit in it for five seconds. You count to five. One, two, three, four, five. And in that time, you've sent your neurons. down that pathway to make it a more well-trod path. So in a future moment, when it's like presented with any type of scenario, it's like, oh, that's a good pathway, and you'll feel a more positive thought about that scenario.

So you're training your brain on a quite literal neurological basis to take these pathways, so you'll have more positive thoughts in the future. I'm glad I've been doing that without even realizing because I recently, I'm like, I try to romanticize certain aspects. Like, you know, going for a walk and like, I'm 34, so like my favorite Spice Girl song will come on. And I'm like, oh, yes, you know? And I'm like, this because it feels good

because I'm like, I genuinely love this. And I really, this is what I want to do. I want to dance while I'm walking down the fucking street and look like a loony tanick. I'm like, I don't really care because I am moving and, well, like, regulating my nervous system. And I love that because I think if we can get back to, can you fall in love, even with one thing in your life,

even if that means it's sunny out and I live in a place where there's sunshine. Yeah. I had to. Like when I lived in New York during winter, you had to find those little moments of like, man, I really love that I could just go to a bodega at any point. Clean sheets, clean, cozy.

sheets. I feel like that's one of the most accessible, luxurious things you can have. I have a girlfriend who wrote a book called Buy Yourself the Fucking Flowers or Lilies. And I don't want to get her book. Sorry, Tara. Buy herself the fucking lilies. And it's like one of the tips in the book is just like, buy yourself the Trader Joe's flowers. They will make you happier. There's actually science behind it. But there's these little things that you can do. It is sort of like the science behind romanticizing your life. Yeah. And like without being delusional. It's like, I don't like you to like turn into something like, I don't need anyone. It's like, no. But. it's okay to acknowledge, like, before I met my partner, I was like, I actually really like,

even though I'd lost climb and that was really tough, was, but I really liked what was happening. I really enjoyed like, wow, I'm feeling physically better, right? I'm physically, I'm working out more and I'm feeling fit again. Every day, even sometimes I'll just stand in the mirror and I'm like, oh my God, this muscle's coming in. And I'll like relish on it because I'm like, I've worked really hard for this one. And it's not anything anyone sees. But I acknowledge and myself, like, good job, Sabrina. Even if you haven't acknowledged, even if you haven't gotten to the goal you want, that's okay, but I'm doing it and I'm on my way.

And it feels really good to be able to stop and just say, you know, especially when you're single. When you're single, I totally understand. It might feel like it's always, always like that. But sometimes we have to stop of like you have friends, do you have family, do you have one human being? It all takes one that you can even just be yourself around. Can we fall in love with that feeling of like, wow, I feel so seen heard and understood by this feeling. This is what I want to partner. Or this is how I want to feel with my partner. This is the type of calm, safe feeling that I want to experience.

but it's like, but we have to cultivate that internally as well before we can even understand how someone else is impacting us. I'm actually jealous of people who have gotten to be single for longer because they've gotten to take more of that journey and they end up often with partners who really reflect both the person that they are in their adult life and the values and the qualities that they want to embody on their day-to-day basis. I think people who are single longer often end up with better partners. Look at it as like, there's something wrong with me.

And it's like, or no, you're making sure that this person is somebody that's right, for you in the ways that are right for you. 100%. I couldn't be more grateful that I waited to meet my partner because it's like, yeah, he might not have been what I wanted, right, on paper of like, I want this, this and this. It's like, but fuck, he was exactly what I needed. And that to me is so much more important in life than having exactly what it is that I want. It's like, no, I need, I have what I need.

Yeah. I'm jealous. I met my partner. I was 21. No shit. How long you guys been together? Forever. Since then.

So seven, 16 years? I don't know. Long as time. Okay. So I know. And it's for me, like, I just met my partner. and I'm in my 30s. So I'm like, when I see it, I see my sister, she met her husband when they were 19.

And it's like, you see them growing. I didn't mean to. I was just trying to like sleep with a hot guy at a bar. And then he ended up being my husband. So it was, yeah. But I do. We got very, very, very lucky. And we worked very, very, very hard to like grow together.

But we have been so many iterations of ourselves in the time that we've been together. And that has made being in a relationship really, really difficult. And I've seen it not work out the same for friends. I've seen them not feel the freedom to grow. to the people that they are. So I do think it's a huge advantage of the longer that you're single, the more time you have to figure out who you are and what really matters to you and why you really want the shape of your life to look like. Fuck yeah. Let's leave it at that. Liz, thank you so much for being vulnerable, for sharing your wisdom. If anybody wants to find you,

it all be linked in the show notes, but where can people hear more of you, find more of you, and like get more of you? Yeah, first of all, come listen to Sabrina's episode of the Liz's podcast. We're going to be doing dating hot takes. We're going to get all of your hot controversial opinions on dating topics, which will be really fun. but you can also find a ton of different episodes. We have anything and everything you need to live your best life on the Liz Moody podcast. So we cover your gut health, your hormones, work life balance, what the millennial midlife crisis is doing to all of our mental health, all of these different topics at the Liz Moody podcast. You're like, yep, I feel that.

I do. The whole like we can't own a home or afford to live. Cute. We're all dealing with. And they're very unique problems that no other generation is faced. So we had on a psychologist to talk about them. So you're going to get science-backed information. you're going to get expert ways to implement that information,

and you're going to get in a really fun digestible way on the Liz Moody podcast. And then I'm Liz Moody on TikTok and Instagram, and I share lots of little fun, actionable ways to change your life. And then, of course, my book is 100 ways to change your life. Sweet. All of this will be linked so you guys can go and get the book, get the book. And Liz, thank you again so fucking much. I am so stoked. And go listen to my episode on Liz's podcast if you guys want more.

If, when. When. Thank you. This is wonderful.