The Sabrina Zohar Show - 99: How To Stop Playing Games In Dating And All Things Sexual Health With Shaun Galanos

Episode Date: September 27, 2024

Shaun Galanos, a love coach, joins Sabrina to discuss the importance of authenticity, curiosity, and open communication in dating, especially regarding sexual health. He encourages people to stop playing games and be honest about their feelings. Shaun and Sabrina share their personal experiences and emphasize the importance of addressing STIs early in relationships, advocating for open conversations about testing, precautions, and boundaries. They aim to remove the stigma around STIs and encourage people to be honest, allowing partners to make informed decisions. For those uncomfortable with sex before testing, they stress the importance of setting boundaries and taking responsibility for one's own health. Struggling with a breakup? Join the Make It Make Sense: Getting Through a Breakup course from Sabrina and Britt Frank HERE! Stuck After the Podcast? Master Implementation in 8 Weeks with Sabrina's Foundation Course HERE! Get Ad free and 2 Bonus episodes a month HERE! Want to work with Sabrina? HERE! Don't forget to follow Sabrina and The Sabrina Zohar Show on Instagram and Sabrina on TikTok! Video now available on YOUTUBE! Disclaimer: The Sabrina Zohar Show, formally known as Do The Work, is not affiliated with A.Z & associates LLC in any capacity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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And welcome to another episode of the Sabrina Zohar show. My name is Sabrina Zohar and I am your host. Guys, it's wild that I actually still have to remind myself to say my name, the Sabrina Zohar show. It's, ooh, talk about can't old teach an old dog to tricks. Guys, welcome back to another week. I'm excited. As always, we've got a very special guest today. Sean, he is the love drive on Insta.

I have been, I have been a fan of Sean for like the no joke the last like eight years. I have been following him. My friends and I used to send each other his videos. He's just such a great human. And honestly, this conversation filled my cup because we talked about a lot of things, but something that's really important that we discuss is about dating with HSV, having an STI. How do you have the conversation? How do you receive that conversation? How do you take care of your sexual health? And we talk about so many other things. But that is just something that I really wanted to highlight on this episode and is something a lot of you guys have written in. And anonymously, right? And I totally understand that. And as somebody who dated for a long time, I understand receiving that conversation. And so I'm really excited to have this chat with you guys because our sexual health is something that we're so in control of that into a certain extent, of course, but within reason we are. You know, you have the authority to go get tested and to have, you know, knowledge is power. I'm excited. And guys, thank you as always for everything. Please, please don't forget. Follow along on the socials.

Everything, of course, is linked in the show notes. The Sabrina Zohar show on Insta. Sabrina dot Zohar on TikTok. And, of course, YouTube, follow along if you guys want to watch all of this happening, all the episodes. And guys, as always, please rate and review the show. Share it with a friend. Please be kind, whatever verb you use when you're reviewing it, since I do read them. But I respect everybody's opinion.

You all have a fucking, you have a voice, you get to use it. So I'm thankful. I'm grateful. And guys, as always, if you need anything, join the course, the breakup courses, roar, and the foundation course is out there. We are here to support you guys in any ways that you need. And I'm just excited because you guys are on this journey with me. And I'm fucking stoked.

All right, without further ado, let's get right on into it, shall we? Well, hello, Sean. Welcome to the Sabrina Zohar show. Your podcast voice is really nice. That's why they all tune in. I used to work at a salon back in the day, like in college. And every time I pick up the phone, people were like, oh, you've got such a good camera, like a phone voice. I'm like, ooh, phone sex. You got a radio voice. Thank you. Hopefully not a radio face, though, right?

I wasn't, I didn't say it. I didn't say it. You got a video face and a radio voice. Thanks, Sean. I appreciate it. Well, I'm so fucking excited to have you. Welcome to the show. I personally have been, I've known, I've been watching your content for like a few years now easily. Like my friends and I used to send it to each other. So I'm really excited to have you here. But for anyone who, I don't know why, doesn't know who you are, could you please introduce yourself and just share a little bit about you and like your journey and how you got to where you are? My name is Sean Gallinoss. I'm a love coach. I create content under the Love Drive on Instagram. 10 years ago, I started driving a taxi in San Francisco. 2014, and driving a taxi is fun until it's not, it gets kind of boring. And a friend said, hey, you should record your conversations with your passengers. And so I did put cameras in the back, started talking about sex and love, because that's the thing that I've always had a lot of energy around and curiosity about. And I called it the Love Drive. And that was like sort of the beginning of me creating content. And then eventually that morphed into a podcast, videos. I got certified as a coach,

started coaching clients, and then I started doing courses and groups and retreats. And that was 10 years ago. So that's just the like quick and dirty about me is that I am living in Montreal. I'm 41 years old. I'm single. Probably going to be moving to L.A. and so kind of splitting my time between L.A. and Montreal because I love this city. This city, Montreal is sort of like, it's the best city that I've been able to find. It's also where I'm from.

Oh, I love it. Well, I'm excited to have you because we're going to talk about a lot of good shit today, but I'm also excited to have you because you have a new podcast out, right, with John Kim, who was on this show before. Yeah. John and I met like a couple months ago at a love

and relationship summit in Vancouver. And I'd always known of the angry therapist. And then we just sort of developed this like little bromance. And then I went to L.A. and things were really, things like went really well for me there. I was like, I went on KTLA, I met up with John, we decided to do a podcast. We have a podcast called We Can Do Better.

So two men, one coach, one therapist, talking about how we as men can do better in all aspects. And then we do some Q&A and shooting the shit. And it's been really nice to get to know him, actually. Oh, he's such a solid human being. So I was so excited to see the show. But can we actually, because, you know, I'm just going to take this where it's at. Curious, as a man, what are you seeing now in dating? Like, no, I wasn't prepped to ask you this question, but I'm fucking going for it.

What are you seeing now in dating that you think can be done better? Because I hear it on, I hear it from the ladies, but I'm curious and a personal perspective of you also being single in dating. What are you seeing? Well, I'm just one dude dating. So like my experience is, you know, I think I'm doing okay in the dating department. Actually, I mean, to be to be truthful, my dad passed away over a little over a year ago. My girlfriend and I broke up. my house got broken into. I ended up in the ER. It was just like a really shitty. I didn't end up in

the ER because my house got broken into. Those are two separate like instances. But it was just a really hard year. And so I'm just now getting back to dating. So I don't really have a ton of experience, although I do have a lot of experience over the last like 20 years. What I'm hearing from a lot of people on Instagram and my clients is that like guys are having a really hard time making conversation, not talking about themselves exclusively, being curious about the other person. And how I can relate this to my life, which is kind of interesting, I have found myself on dates with women that I am not interested in, right? Like, I met them online. I thought it might be a good fit. I show up. I'm instantly wishing I was at home. Yeah. Right? Like, and this is what,

like, maybe half of all or maybe more than half of all first dates are sort of like just non-starters from the beginning. If I had met this person in real life, this is hard. I mean, it's a little hard to admit, I would have just walked right by them. Right. And so it is hard to generate enthusiasm for someone that you were not interested in. Like you're, you're sort of like, how long can I stay? Yeah. Where I won't look like a total asshole for wanting to leave, right? Forty-five minutes, I think is sort of like the 30 to 45 is sort of the bare minimum. But barring that, barring like just total lack of interest, guys having a really hard time making conversation, right? Like being curious about the other person, some back and forth, some flow.

That's been kind of a struggle for a lot of women that I've heard of recently. I enjoy dating. I'm not going to lie. I know it's exhausting and I know that there are, there is two sides of the coin. But like I did enjoy the fact like when you did show up and the person was everything that you were hoping they'd be and you're like, oh my God, I'm schvitzing. I'm just sitting here for three minutes. I'm like, this is so fun. But I do remember those dates where you show up and you're like, okay, how quick can I drink this, right? Like, how quick can I do this before you're like, okay, this matcha is piping hot, but I'm like, I can get through it in about 20. I can talk about stuff. And then you're just like, we're in such a time where like

gender is fluid and it's, you know, the women are feeling this, the men are feeling this, right? The days, the he's, the she's, the days. Everybody is going through it. But what I see a lot is like this confusion of how a man should show up. Like I had somebody right in, just an example, of what I mean by that is this guy wrote into me and he was like, hey, like, I really, really like this woman. I'm so into her. We've been dating for three months, but I'm a little hesitant to ask her if she'd like to be my girlfriend and to find the relationship because I've been seeing all this content online that says that the woman should do it first and the man shouldn't show his emotions. And like, I'm just confused. And me reading this, I'm like, I don't know who is saying

that to you because I have, I haven't seen that side of the internet personally. But just kind of like this confusion of do I kiss her or do I not do I text good morning do I not do I show this interest or is that going to make them run away do I ask this person do I show my emotions or my little pussy like there's just so much confusion and I wasn't sure like how you kind of view that because to me as a dude I think I would struggle like as a woman I struggled to figure out how to interact without being like I'm going to say the air quotes like too masculine you know like the internet verbiage but finding that I think that's striking that right balance. Like I was curious, if you've personally experienced that

or if you've also been kind of seeing this confusion as well. Big question. Several small answers. I think we should just stop playing games because nobody knows the rules. No. Right? And the rules change based on who you're going out with.

So it's not even worth trying to figure it out. Just, I know, I hate this is so, like, common, but like, be yourself. Like, do say what makes, act in a way that makes sense for you, not what you think you should do in order to get the results that you want, which is kind of counterintuitive, right? Because in any other scenario, like, hey, if I want to build muscle, I got to go to the gym, I got to do hypertrophy, I got to do four times a week. Like, there's a, there's a schedule, there's a program. When it comes to finding love,

I think it's a lot more of an art than it is a science. Yeah. And there's, like you said, there's a lot of gender fluidity. There's their masculine roles, traditional roles. Everything's like kind of changing. And so it's hard to adjust to what other people are doing also. The other piece is that I think people are just really struggling in the love relationship department, finding their person, if that's what they're looking for. And they haven't had luck doing what they've been doing. And so they're just looking for the answer. And then the problem with those social media is that there's just like endless opinions on what you should do. And so it gets really, really confusing when you're taking in all of this input. And I struggle with this. Like, I struggle with, uh, people's

opinion of me as like a creator as a person. And I'm always like, oh, maybe I should do this. Maybe I should do this. Maybe it was like, oh, was that too much? Was that too little? This is just me as like a human. But people are taking all of this stuff and they're trying to like game the system in a way that's not really working. And it's out of alignment. It's, it's inauthentic. And I'll give you a personal example. I've got someone that I'm excited to get to know. And she has made some advances in our, like, very brief courtship. And I was talking to my therapist about it. And my therapist said, hey, uh, isn't it nice that she's actually like showing interest, making the move, inviting you to stuff. Because if I'm not mistaken, it's usually

been you that's doing all of this. And so now I'm finally in a situation where there's someone showing interest and it feels, it does feel nice. And guess what? it's not turning me off because it's with someone that I actually enjoy. Amazon presents Jeff versus Taco Truck Salsa, whether it's Verde, Roja, or the orange one. For Jeff, trying any salsa is like playing Russian roulette with a flame thrower.

Luckily, Jeff saved with Amazon and stocked up on antacids, ginger tea, and milk. Habaniero? more like Habinier yes. Save the everyday with Amazon. That's the key fucking word. One, and it's like, when I met Ryan, it was refreshing. It was strange, I'll be it very, like my core beliefs were like, hey, girl, what? You actually think you're like you're worthy of this? Like, have you done? We've talked enough. And it's like, yeah, yeah, there was, that's its own struggle of meeting someone that's more secure. But I'm glad we're talking about this game shit because one, people ask, what are your rules?

I don't have any fucking rules. I, listen, I'll never tell other. people what to do. I'm not you. I'm not living your life. This is my lived experience. It's not yours. But I know personally the reason I like to share lived experience is because we hear all the time, no, don't say anything. You're going to be too much. You're going to push him away. And it's like, I don't know about you. For me on my first date personally, like my partner and I talked about like, do you want marriage? Do you want kids? Like we went on like a three-hour hike. So we had a lot of time to talk unencumbered with no alcohol, just walking and talking. And it was very just like, how'd your last relationship? And like, what did it teach you about

yourself and having these conversations of depth. And so many people, I remember making a video after saying, like, these are the three questions. I asked my partner on a first date. People freaking out. I would never ask this. This isn't a job interview. What are you doing? Every guy's going to get terrified of that. But at the end of the day, then I asked my partner, like, a year later, I was like, can I ask you? Like, why did you go out with me again? I was like, I'm just curious. Like, what about it besides this ass outside of the physical that you were into? Like, what about it? And he was like, oh, it was the questions you asked hands down. He was like, you were the depth I was looking for.

Most women stay shallow. It's very, like, silly conversation. So he was, like, having somebody that wasn't afraid to ask these questions was a really big turn on to me because I thought that was sexy that you knew what you wanted and you weren't afraid to lose me if I didn't give the answer that you wanted to hear. And for me, that's like the hell I'll fucking stand on and die on is like, we have a man that's in front of me personally right now saying, that's not going to scare me off if my intentions are also that as well.

it's more just if you're in, correct me if I'm wrong, right? If your intentions, like you said, you went out in that woman and you weren't interested in her, doesn't matter if she plays the cool girl or if she came out strong. Your intentions were not to pursue something. It is refreshing. It's really nice. I mean, if they're into it, then it doesn't really matter what you do or what you talk about. As long as you don't step on any landmines and you are curious enough to see each other again, then it's probably going to go well.

Like, I'll double text. I'll triple text. I don't care. I don't care. If I have something to say, that's when I'm like, I will text this person. But if I, because I'm big on like, I need to check in with myself. And like, listen, a lot of the audience that we have, we have anxiety. And I say we because, hi, I am such a poster child for anxiety.

It's maddening. But there is a lot of that. Do I say this? Do I not? And for me, it's really big. I'm like, if you have something to say because you genuinely have something to say, then say it. being so scared of, I can't double text this person.

It's like, but when you're coming from, like I'm curious, and this is your personal experience, I'm not asking you to speak for all men, but as somebody who is significantly more secure, working on themselves, like really aware,

all of those amazing qualities. My one main question here is like, if a woman texts you or something, you know, if she doubled text or anything, is that a turn off of, oh, God, she's too thirsty, she's too much because we have this,

no, no, no, a man needs to pursue me. He needs to be doing everything. But correct me if I'm wrong, on my side of it, I want reciprocity. It's not too much. I mean, it's like, again, it really depends. I think there is something attractive about somebody who's hard to get. That's the, that's the, this is why this is so complex, is that, like, yeah, if you're too available right off the bat, it could be a sign that, like, this is too easy. And I think, I think people do. do want some element of like a little hard to get? I mean, was your partner easy to get? No. That's actually like 100%. What it was was there was definitely no games about it, but he lived his own life and so did I. Like we both had really busy schedules. So if I was like,

hey, do you want to do something? No, unfortunately I can't, but here's my next availability. So it wasn't a game of like, sorry, I'm busy. When he wasn't, it was like, no, no, no, I genuinely have six things going on this week. How is next week for you? It allowed, you know, distance created a little desire. Yeah. So that's what I want to say is like if you have a big life and they have a big life, there's going to be some built-in sort of like schedule conflicts that are going to make it a little bit more interesting. It's going to add some tension. Right. If you find someone you're like, hey, I really like you. They're like, yeah, I want to spend all my time with you. You're going to be like, wow, okay, that's strange. Strange. And that could be a bit of a turnoff. But two texts. No.

If someone double text me, it's because I forgot to get back to them the first time. And now I'm going to feel bad and I'm going to want to get bad and say, sorry, I forgot to reply to your first message, yes, and here's, you know, the reply to the second message. Yeah, I mean, I get a lot of comments or questions from women saying, how do I say this without looking needy, desperate, or clingy, right? And it's like, just say the thing. And if they think it's needy, desperate, or clingy, then that's just not your person. It's so much easier to live from that perspective than it is to try to play like 4D chess, trying to figure out what, you know, the ultimate moves to get the guy. It just doesn't, to me, doesn't seem like it's authentic or in alignment.

No. And one thing that I kind of personally learned the hard way was for a long time, I thought, like, I was playing it cool. Like, no one could pick up on my anxiety. And then I've spoken to guys and they're like, oh, no, no, no, no. Within like one text from you, I could sense the anxiety. I could see that you wanted me to text you or that there was a dynamic. And it's like, yeah, that was because I wasn't being authentic. I was not coming from a place of authenticity trying to actually connect with somebody.

I was very clearly being driven by, I'm scared you're going to lose me, you're going to forget about me, like that narrative that was really playing in my head. And as much as I think a lot of people try to pretend, like, I am curious, are you able to like pick up on things like that

relatively quickly when you see dialogue from somebody? I don't know. I can definitely pick up on when somebody's not interested but they're not able to say it. Yeah. Right? They take extra long to get back to you. Everything's super noncommittal.

And that's, then that to me is like, I totally lose interest. Rightfully so. Well, they're not interested, first of all, and number two, they're not able to communicate, and that's a turnoff for me, right? I'd much rather someone just be right off the bat saying, like, hey, this isn't going to work for me, this isn't the connection I'm looking for, I'm not really interested.

I will respect that more. Yeah. And it's also just like, it's a time saver for everybody. But that also comes from like you having like self-awareness, boundaries, non-negotiables. Like there is also an aspect of like, if you're somebody, that you're like, hey, that doesn't work for me. It is a turnoff versus when, at least for me, like, when I was in my toxic shit, you're like, oh, challenge accepted. And it's like, it's just, that's, yeah, right? I was going to say, like, you've grown and evolved. It becomes a lot less

sexy when you're like, I don't need to chase after you. Like, this is really tiring. It's tiring. It's tiring. It's not good for me. It ruins my sleep. It's just like not what I want to be spending any energy doing. When did you seem curious? Because I know you said that you used to be like that. where did you notice a shift on when you started to like change the way that you dated and get turned off by somebody's unavailability as opposed to turned on? I think I had a girlfriend. We broke up like three years ago. We were together for three years.

She was never really available, but she gave me just enough to keep me interested. So I wish I'd, you know, I wish I could say like, oh, in my early 30s, but it was actually really only like three years ago, right? Lots of therapy. I've been, you know, I've been working on this. and childhood stuff and later than I want to admit. Please, are you kidding me? My partner is the first healthy person I've ever had.

I'm like, I am the first to be like, no, it took me a lot of really shitty human beings after a while to just be like, I don't want to keep doing this anymore. Like, it's a merry-go-round that I'd like to get off because I'm consistently nauseous. But I am curious because something that you and I have talked about is like, how to be happy single, right? And like, obviously, happy is such an elusive term. Like, I don't expect. And I think we also need to be cognizant that, like, no feeling.

is going to stay forever. But a lot of people had asked, like, what does that look like to feel happy and single? Like, how do you keep, how do you maintain that? I mean, why are we even looking as, like, at happiness as the goal, right? Like, can we just be content? Right. Content is like, oh, there's nothing really wrong with my day right now or with my life right now. I think that's a lot more realistic than happy. Happy is a state of joy, right? Like, for me, joy and happiness is like fairly fleeting. And all emotions are like transitory, right? They don't just stay forever unless you have depression and it's untreated. But for the most part, positive feelings, negative ones, pleasant and unpleasant. I'd rather describe them as pleasant and unpleasant are

going to shift. So can you be content with your life, right? Do you have, are you building a big life regardless of your romantic life, right? So career opportunities, good friends, community. I mean, I was living in Arizona for two years in Flagstaff because I thought I wanted ski. bike climb life and like a cabin existence. And I was way too isolated. And it was really, really, really challenging. And I never really met my people. I met people and I had great friends, but they weren't my people. And so when I moved back to Montreal, instantly felt a sense of community that I haven't felt in a really long time. And that really makes a difference on happiness. I mean, they've done the studies that like, you know, some amount of low level, low state,

interactions with people in your neighborhood, like the, you know, the people at the grocery store, people at the coffee shop, saying hello, them knowing your name, that stuff makes a huge difference on your happiness levels, right? So are you isolating? And if you are, can you get back out into the community, whether that's through volunteer opportunities, through exercise, through coffee shops, through getting, like, the work from home thing has been really problematic for people. Yeah. They're not getting the contact that they used to get in the workplace. So you got to dial your community in, right? This is all to answer the question of like how to be happy single.

Dial your community in, dial your friends and family. You have to give back some element, some volunteer opportunities if you're fortunate enough to have the time and or the money to do so. Take care of your body. I mean, this is all obvious stuff, right? This is like tips for how to be mentally healthy, right? Like take care of your body. Exercise on a regular basis.

Eat well. Sleep. Don't scroll until three in the morning, right? Like all this stuff helps. And then I guess you do have to sort of address this idea that like you want partnership and it's okay to want partnership, right? So like own the desire for partnership. Also own that maybe that when you meet that person is not on your timeline.

Right? Like I've heard people say like, oh, if you want to make God laugh, like tell them your plans. Yeah. So like cheesy, but it's true, right? Like it's not really on our timeline. if you're not doing anything about meeting someone, then you kind of have to do some, some of it, right? Yeah, you literally can't stay home.

I remember my mom. I used to say that. I'm like, mom, you can't just sit on on the couch. And she's like, actually, I'm like, oh, what now? What story do you have to fit this? And she's like, my friend in college, the man snucked on her door. It was the wrong house he was going to and they're married. And it's like, oh, okay, the one time, that one time out of like nine billion

human beings on the planet that that worked out, it's not how it works. But yes, I mean. anecdotes are not, are not useful in this scenario. Fun little stories. Thanks for making me feel like shit. Thanks for making me want to sell my couch. Soccer fans, your chance to witness history is here. You can win tickets to the FIFA World Cup 2026 final thanks to Visa.

All it takes is a BMO Visa credit card to winner. Sign up and enter at bemo.com slash contest. Contest rules apply. I know for me, like, I really struggled personally. like with that it was I filled my life up because I was single for a long fucking time like I moved to New York when I was 19 and then I had like three partners that were like you know nine months to a year so we're talking 15 years though of being an adult dating between 18 to 32 almost 33 when I met my partner of like being alone right and like always knowing cognitively like my mom always to say you know the relationship you have with yourself is the most important because at the end of the day you're gonna you're born with yourself and you're going to die with yourself like you are the only one that will consistently be with you for life and now hearing that when you're single and you're like, oh, great, thanks. But I really worked for me to like try to reframe certain aspects. Like I remember once like standing home, I think it was like, you know, the holiday, something

like that. And I was just alone. And I was calling my mom. I'm so sad. I'm so bummed. Oh, I'm home alone. And she was like, maybe we can shift this. She's like, this could be the last time you're ever alone on this holiday.

And maybe you can just enjoy that for now. And I was like, oh, yeah. And like, so I really tried to accept like, huh. Yeah, like this. I kind of fell in love with. the simple things of life of like, yeah, that's true. I can just like watch whatever I want on TV and like in the middle of it, just like do yoga on my floor if I want.

And then I could just go take my dog for a walk and then I can go get whatever food I want. And so instead of looking at this like, oh, another night alone, it was like, wait a minute, it's another night alone. And like I get to actually get excited because all I ever thought was a relationship was going to save me, fix me, you know, fill in the blank. Relationship will until I realize like, no, a relationship's going to trigger you, challenge you and force you to look at those things that being single, you can kind of not really, you know, like triggers, not do as much. And then all of a sudden you're like, oh, right, how do I,

one, find a balance about being okay alone, but then find a balance about letting somebody else in my life, because I know the pendulum swings. Or so we want that connection. And then you get really okay, not getting the connection. You get scared of getting triggered and getting hurt. And then all of a sudden it's the hyper independence of, I don't need anybody. I'd rather stay single. Yeah, something you said that sort of like triggered a thought, which is the importance of, sort of grieving the life that you wish you had. Yeah. Right?

Like, oh, I really wish I was in partnership right now. Right? And just like being really sad about that and watching rom-coms that instead of making you laugh, make you cry, right? And just like owning that like deep,

deep desire for partnership and just being like, wow, this is really not what my life has turned out. Like I thought I was going to have two kids by 30. I'm 41. No kids, no girlfriend. Oh,

yeah. Right? Oh, That ship went out. That ship sailed so long ago. Hopefully, we're building something that's, you know, in alignment and different and probably better than what we could have hoped. But I think it's important to sit in that sadness. You don't have to wallow in it, but like give it space, right? Like it's an important part of you. Well, and I think the important aspect of doing that, and I'm glad you brought that up, is because there's also an element.

Like, I think what I hear often, and maybe you hear this too, it's like there's just that intense fear of rejection, which is very valid. Like, no, let me clarify, no one on the planet wants to be rejected. I don't want to, like, I know you can relate when I say, I don't want to post a video and have a thousand trolls. It's like, I don't look forward to someone saying, I don't like you or I don't want to be with you. It's not like a goal. But I think part of also falling in love with your life, part of being okay single and accepting like, my boundaries and non-negotiables are not too much, all of those aspects is also knowing that like, just because I meet someone amazing and have a one nice date, it is also knowing that like that might not work out. and it's something that like I have one client and I love all of my clients but she is so fucking terrified of when I even say like you know hey well you know maybe you guys just aren't compatible

like it sounds like you've had a fuck ton of issues for the first six weeks of dating and if we're ready this is the first six weeks man like this is stuff that I hear fucking couples with like 10 years of marriage dealing with and you guys are struggling in the first month and a half and she can't it's everything is just that intense scarcity and the feet. and it's like, I get that that's all very valid that's coming from somewhere. But I think part of also being okay single means that like it's also okay to walk away from people that don't match it because I'd rather be, I'd rather be alone and single and sleep in my bed at night getting my sleep than lose sleep because either I have some shitty partner next to me or I feel

more alone in a relationship than I did with this person. Yeah. Or I'm like up because I'm so anxious that they're totally, you know, ghosting me or not around or like yank in my chain or whatever. It's like it's valid. It's like I get all of that. But I think we also need to be okay with, yes, just because I meet somebody, like I hear this all the time. Well, they said they wanted a relationship. It's like, who said they wanted one with you? Who said they wanted one with you in the way that you want one? Because part of being a human is also like that whole free will thing. Yeah, I mean, they could end at any time for sure. I wanted to kind of shift a little bit because I think it is a big topic that STI's in dating, right?

We know it's very common for people to have something. It's 2024. If you've encountered somebody in your life that's had something, like that's very normal, especially like when I lived in New York, or you fucking getting me. you were surprised when people said they didn't have something more than they when they said they did. But I am curious because you are very vocal and open about having something personally. And like it's okay, cool. Lots of people have it. But how have you seen dating? Obviously male and female perspectives will be different because it is men sharing that they

have like herpes or something. You're like, wow, how honest and vulnerable and open. Women sharing it, you're dirty. And you're like, God damn it. Well, it's not that you're dirty. It's that dudes just. kind of are not great at fucking having that conversation or being accepting or like they're just pretty clueless actually. So my experience sharing the fact that I have herpes to female partners

has been like really validating and lovely and tender. It hasn't for the most part affected my ability to have sex. I did hook up with someone quite recently actually that has had been married for 10 years. And so she was just new to the dating market. And I said, oh, by the way, I have herpes. I mean, not by the way. I mean, we had a conversation before having sex, which is when you should be having this conversation,

hopefully before you're naked. You stop making out and you say, hey, I'd love to talk about sexual health. This seems like an appropriate time. I don't want to be presumptuous about what may or may not happen between us, but let me go first, right? I was last tested two months ago. I've had one partner since then.

I have genital herpes. I haven't had symptoms in X amount of months. I take valisiclovirine and antiviral to prevent transmission. I use barriers for penetrative sex, not for oral sex, right? So that could be like, that's a pretty good place to start. That's probably more complete than most people will have in terms of a conversation. People are going to be like, I'm clean. And we don't use clean and dirty because we don't use clean because the opposite of clean is dirty.

We say negative or positive for whatever the test results are. So I said this to her and she was like, oh my God, oh, now I'm really nervous. And I was like, well, it's okay. You don't have to be nervous. We don't have to have sex. You know, she's like, but I want to. But now I'm like, is it high risk? And I was like, look, we could do some research.

I could share some stuff with you. We don't have to do this right now. It's totally fine. And she just wasn't prepared. She wasn't prepared to have this conversation because she'd been in a monogamous marriage for 10 years. And she didn't know that like there are risks now, right? And if you're going to have sex, sex is. can be a risky activity.

There's no safe sex. There's only safer sex. So it's all about risk mitigation. It's all about what kind of risk are you willing to tolerate. So my experience has been overwhelmingly positive, right? Women are just like, like you said, they're like, oh my God, he's so honest.

I love this. In my experience, if I don't have the sexual health conversation, I'm not sure it's going to happen. Because sometimes I've like kind of waited a little bit. And I was like, let's see if it's, are they going to bring it up? And who knows? Maybe I just bring it up too soon, like so soon that I'm not giving them a chance.

But I kind of feel like, you know, I've talked to enough people that say, if I don't bring it up, it doesn't get brought up. Yeah. Which is, when I was dating the amount of men that would try to fuck you without a condom was wild to me. Like, just not without a conversation to your point, without even being like, hey, you know, like I remember one guy even just stopping me like, hey, what are you doing? And he was like, well, wait, are you on birth control? I was like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. I was like, none of them. First of all, I don't know who you are. Second of all, nothing is zero percent. Unless you don't go inside of me, that's the only way that potentially could be zero. There's a risk for everything. Can we talk about it? And like, I will always, like, use condoms, use protection. But like, I appreciate that you're open about it because it's any, the STIs in general have such a stigma of like, oh, well, what did you do? Like, kind of like you earned it almost or like, yeah, dirty clean aspect.

I mean, I'll tell you what I did. I had unprotected sex with somebody. And, She had had sex with somebody recently, and I had had sex with somebody recently, but we both had this conversation of not having any STIs, but there was a risk there. And somewhere along the way, either I got it or she got it, and we gave it to each other. And so I really wish I had used a condom, right? I really wish I had. And what can you say? Like, it's one of my regrets, but now that's life and what am I going to do? Like, I'm just going to accept it and have conversations about it and hopefully be able to help other people have conversations about it. And it's not the end of the world. It's very manageable. The great thing about having herpes is

that you know you have it. You know what the symptoms are. You usually know when you're going to have an outbreak. It responds very well to being healthy. Yeah. Right? So if you're unhealthy, if you're stressed, is sort of when people get outbreaks. So take care of your sleep, take care of your diet, exercise, you're much less likely to have outbreaks, use antivirals, even more less likely to have outbreaks. And so I would almost prefer to have sex with somebody who knows their status, who takes care of themselves, rather than with people who are like, I don't know. I don't know the last time I got tested, but like, whatever, I'm fine. And it's like, okay, you think you're fine. Like, you have no idea, really, if you're fine. Anytime I've ever encountered anybody, like, I've had people

tell me that they've had it. And it's like the same thing. They're like, hey, this is me just, I'm not worried about you getting it. I just want to be honest and transparent that this is what I have. And you're like, okay, cool. Thanks so much for letting me know. Like, now we can take. Now you're giving me the choice to take the precautions.

Where I've seen it go awry is to your point when the one shares it or it comes out after. And it's like you are not, listen, it's not that you're not allowed. But like, I don't think it's appropriate to make a decision for somebody. Because unfortunately, for the people that have gotten it that weren't given a choice, they are taking care of themselves and doing what they need to do in order to prevent it. And so I think it is really important to, like, one, remove the stigma around it, but also to remove the stigma around the conversation. Because somebody actually asked how to be protective and aware, but not skeptical and salty.

And I was like, I mean, I don't know. How often does that happen? It's a great question. I think realistic, there's also a difference, too, depending on where you're dating. Like, when I dated, when you date in New York, L.A., Miami, like major cities, one, you're dating more often. You're dating more frequently because there's more people. there's more, the dating apps, things like that.

Like when I lived in New York and L.A., I had a thousand dates could be every week, right? There's always a channel versus in San Diego. You're like, there's like four single people in where I'm at. So it's like, okay, it's a different dynamic. But as like in my history, I have only ever had two men tell me that they had herpes. And I could all but guarantee there was significantly more because mama had her hoe hat on for a long fucking time. And I was sleeping around and I was doing my thing. I've gotten STIs before.

I have gotten things that you can get rid of. I have, it's not anything against me. And it's either like, are you going to wear it as a scarlet letter as if like, oh, my God, I'm so scared to tell people. I'm so terrified. It's like, oh, are you just going to look at this as like, maybe it just weeds people out? Because, hey, if I tell you I have herpes and your response is, oh, well, I'm freaked out and I'm scared. I'm scared.

It's like, that's okay. Like you said, that's fine. You have every right to make a decision. But then that usually shows me as like, what are your intentions then? Because if you're intentionally trying to get to know me, go to your doctor, educate yourself, understand what's going on. Let's talk about it. You can still say no.

And I think that's also like one thing somebody had actually asked like or had even just made a comment of like can you guys please also talk about the fact that like I understand for people that have something it's really really hard for someone to tell you that like they're not okay with it. It's really hard. I totally understand that. But we also can't villainize people if they tell you they're not comfortable with it. Honestly, I'd be like, okay, fine. I mean, if someone's going to, yeah, like I'll be disappointed only because I thought I was going to get laid. And now I'm not getting laid. But if you're not comfortable with it, cool. And if you're going to have this outsized reaction about it, you're probably not going to have great sex anyways. Right. And especially because I'm going to ask,

like, I'm just even looking at the questions people had asked. So you've answered quite a few. But like how do I say it doesn't scare them off? And someone said, can you make it a cute date to get tested together? And it's like the second half, yes. If you want to make it a cute date and go get tested together, sure. Go have dinner. That's cute as fuck.

That's cute as fuck. I've never done it. I'll probably never do it, but that's really, really cute. Same. But I also don't think it's a big deal like to ask someone and say like, hey, I don't want to have sex with you without protection until you get tested. That's nothing. That's not weird. It's not clingy. It's not like off putting. Okay, here's what I would like to say about sexual health. Like it is 100% your responsibility to keep yourself safe. So I don't care what their response is, right? Like all you're doing is taking, care of yourself. And there's been an increase in HIV transmissions, like, between heterosexual couples. Really? Yeah. So, and the female partner is always going to be a little bit more at risk because it's

more of a receptive role or anyone who plays anally. And so, like, there are significant risks, right? I'm not saying it's rampant, but it's 100% your job. And so make sure you do that job very well. And, and, I will say that the more you talk about it, the easier it gets still awkward. I've never found it to be like, this is fun. I'm not having fun, but it does lead to fun. And it leads to fun that I don't feel bad about because I'm not hiding the fact that I've got an STI, right? We're informed. And my job is to give someone as much information as I have so that they can make the right decision for them.

and whether that's to sleep with me or to not sleep with me, that's just what happens. That's the deal. Well, it's like anything else. It's like, there is a risk for everything. If we think, it's the same, there's a risk for me to die today, right? There's a risk for literally everything on the planet. There's a risk that this doesn't work out.

There's a risk that you may or may not get it. But it's like, can't live in a constant state of fear and panic of like, oh, God, okay, well, then let me just live in a bubble. It's like, well, then dating is going to be a lot tougher because unfortunately, yeah, there are going to be people, like, also one thing that we should also mention is like, Herpes is not part of the standardized testing. Like you can go to your doctor and say, I want to do my blood work.

Usually, a lot of the times you either have to pay at a pocket. I had to pay at a pocket every time I got a herpes tested. Or they'll tell you, well, do you have an outbreak? Well, if you don't, then you're fine. And you're like, yeah, but I want to make sure. Nah, well, but the blood work doesn't always show. Like, I've had so many doctors almost try to get. I asked one doctor, I said, why do you dis sway people?

Like, why do you try to convince them? And she said, because what's the point of getting you so in your head and scared? If you don't have an outbreak, there's nothing we can really do for you right now anyways, because the blood work might not even come out positive. And she's like, it's more mentally that it's going to mess with you than it actually does anything to you in your body. Yeah. Also, Europeans have a much different reaction to herpes.

They like don't test for it. They don't care about it. It's just like it's a cold sore, a big deal. That said, like if you've got a cold sore on your mouth, you have herpes. Exactly. Right? And you should be telling people before you make out with them. Because, you know, to be honest, I have herpes on my penis.

I don't want it on my mouth. I remember one guy I dated a night when I, like, I finally asked what we were talking about it. And he was like, oh, yeah, I have it. And I was like, why didn't you say anything to me? And he was like, no, no, no, no. Do you take Valtrex? Would you get a cold sore? He's like, yeah. I said, so it's the same thing. He's like, no, it's different. You're not going to get it. And I was like, dude, my mother got it when she was a child because an uncle kissed her on her, like her cheek. And she got it there because he got it there because my mom. She was like, I had it when I was a cold sore. Because she was like, I would just get cold soers in my mouth. And she lived in Europe. So she was like, no, nobody said anything until she

came to America, and she found it. She's like, you're fucking kidding me? She's like, I got that as a child. It's very easy if you have it on your mouth, you little kissy kiss, you go down on somebody, you can spread it. That, I have had so many of my friends tell me, I don't say anything. Why don't you say anything? Well, I'm not having an outbreak. It's like, that's weird. It's weird. To me, that's, to me, you're lying to me then. You're not being honest with me that you know that you have something. And that builds intimacy. When you're able to tell you have a partner that you can say, hey, this is what I have, blah, blah. And they say, wow, thank you so much for sharing. Like, I'm okay with that. You feel so much closer to that person because you're like,

thank you for me being a safe space that I could express myself too. Yeah, and you're taking their health into consideration. Yeah. So you're already like bonus points. Good partner. Totally. And it's like someone asked like, how do you respond to someone who says they don't want to date you because of the STI? Yeah. What are you going to do? What are you going to do? Convince them? No. You accept it. This person is not for me. And that's too bad. And I could see how. if you have that experience, you're going to go, well, next time I'm not going to tell anybody. But that's also not a better strategy. I think we just accept the fact that some people are not for us. There's something else here now. Something new.

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You have every right to say, I want to sleep with you and I would like to see results. Like, I have done that many a times where we'll screenshot and send it to each other of like, hey, you could see the date. Here's the time. Cool. Now we're good. We can go have fun. There's nothing wrong with that.

If somebody's going to make a big feel, and I have had guys make a big deal out of it, you're like, cool. then this is absolutely not for me because that does not make me feel comfortable that you're refusing to wear a condom or get tested. Well, yeah, refusing to wear a condom is not, that's bad, that's very bad. I mean, that's not someone I would want to have sex with.

I will say on the other side of this whole thing is that I have never shown anybody in my test results. They have just believed me when I told them when I got tested and what those results were and the kind of sex that I've had, the risks that I've been exposed to since that last, test. Yeah.

And I think that's for a lot of people, they're like, oh, wait, this sounds like somebody who knows what they're talking about. I'm much less likely to be deceived by someone who's able to tell you when they were tested, what the test results were, what their practices have been since then, than someone who's like, yeah, I don't know, you know, like that can't talk about it with any sort of confidence. But if someone wanted to see the test results and I like them, I would show them. Right. It's more of like, yeah, you have nothing to hide. It's like, I, for me, the only reason they sent me there is because I sent them mine. I literally sent a screenshot and I was like, done. Like, here you go. I have, that's it. There it is. And it's like, perfect. And it was such a non-issue because like, here's a thing. It became a non-issue because it didn't become an issue. But it is something that's important and something to talk about. And there is, listen, there is, of course, I'm not going to say there's no need to be scared about having the conversation. Of course it is. It's scary to have a conversation like that because there is a risk that this person might. not resonate because also if you talk about, hey, let's get tested, what you're also implying

as well is like that exclusivity conversation of like, if we get tested and we're both clean, cool, are you going to be sleeping with other people or we can have to get retested? And I think that's probably a good portion of why people avoid it is it's like, oh, I don't want to have to have a serious conversation this early on. And it's like, it's a great point. I do. I also want to say for anybody who, you know, has had the experience of someone not dealing with your disclosure very well. For every person who doesn't deal with it well, there's someone else who will, right? There's plenty of guys that are just like, yeah, whatever. Either I have it. That's totally fine. I like you. I want to sleep with you. I think you're great. I want to keep getting to know you.

Like, you're important to me. There's all those people out there too. So find that person. All the other ones who are acting immaturely about this are honestly not mature enough to be having sex. 100%. I remember my friend once telling a guy and his response was, yeah, doesn't everybody have it? He was like, cool, thanks for telling me. Like such a non, she was anxious for like six weeks about it. Like every day of just like, how am I going to do this? What if he leaves? And it's like, I get that. All of that is valid. But that narrative, that's the stuff that I'm like, ooh, can we focus on that? The fears and the insecurities and all that, it's valid. It's real. But let's focus on that versus, I'm just not going to say anything because I'm scared of the reality.

It's like, eventually someone's going to have to bring this up. Hopefully you hope that somebody will bring up sexual health in the relationship. And if that's a point of contention, it's like, that's a good place to maybe put a period at the end of that sentence then. I wanted to kind of close with one question that somebody asked that I think is really valid. How do you personally handle or advise people when you get lonely? I mean, to be honest with you, when I feel any sort of unpleasant emotion, I just allow myself to feel it. I think the best thing you can do is to just kind of lean into that loneliness a little bit. Snapping out of it or finding a way to cheer yourself up, I think is not a good strategy. I think it gets you out

of the emotion, the emotion that you're feeling is there for a reason, right? It's telling you, oh, wow, there's a need that's not being met, right? My need for connection, for closeness, for intimacy, for sexuality, whatever is not being met and that is painful to me right now. And so the more you can sit with that and accept it, maybe you go deeper into it, you listen to sad songs, you do a sad movie night, you call your friends to commiserate not to like get distracted from it, I think is really, really important. And it will actually shorten the amount of time that you will feel that emotion in my experience. I think what happens when you distract away from it or you bottle it back up is that it just keeps coming back, keep it coming back and coming back. Because it's a teacher,

right? Emotions are teachers and they're there to tell us something. And so sit with it, don't wallow in it. Right. So if you're prone to depression, if you're prone to feeling blue for extended periods of time, then talk to your doctor, right? There might be some sort of medical intervention that could help. And then again, like, I can't really stress for me, the power of community. And it's like when you're lonely, it's because you don't have a community, right? Or like parts of it are lacking, or you're not fulfilled by the community that you do have. And one thing that I've started to do, which is kind of bananas, because I never thought I would, is I started like doing group workout classes.

I love my fitness classes. Jesus Christ, it's like high five central. Everybody's awesome. I'm going to a like someone's birthday potluck that we met like from the gym with all the gym people. And it's like, holy crap, that makes a huge difference. And even when I don't want to go and I go, I'm always glad I went. I got to workout in, got some high fives.

People, you know, asking me things about my life just feels really, really good. So fitness classes, CrossFit, whatever, Orange Theory, whatever you need. There was a studio in L.A. like that. And it was like they'd have like comedy nights and like all of these things. I made so many friends. I joined Hike Club. Like just to in those moments, I like for me when I was really struggling with the lonely, I really had to look at like what was the narrative I was telling myself about it all?

Like was it that, okay, yeah, I want a partner. Cool. That's valid. I can validate that. Or was I also starting to go into like, there's something wrong with me? I'm not good enough. That's why nobody wants me. It's like, that I think is what you mean by like, that wallow of like, okay, let's not

get it to there. You're allowed to, you're allowed to do anything. But like, it's totally valid and normal. Like, I really would love connection. Yeah, because you're humans. That's why we are bred. We're biologically made to connect with humans. But you can definitely find other ways and interject yourself in the community.

Like, oh, my God, when I moved to L.A., I joined height club, cooking class, pottery, was not for me. But just all these different things to just try. Go to a workout class. I started talking to a girl the other day because I liked her tattoo. and we just shoot the shit and like, we're going to get coffee. New friends, not the easiest thing to do as an adult, but totally doable. Also, run clubs.

I mean, I got to be honest. I joined a run club. Huge. And actually, the woman that I'm interested in met her at the run club. Stop it. Yeah. Oh, my God, Sean. Okay, well, hopefully, we'll have you back and we'll hopefully have a nice little update on the run club.

I hope so. Yeah. Just, by the way, I heard that if you join a run club in New York City and you wear black, it means that you're single. Oh. So there's like, that's not universal, but they're like, you know, codes. People are like coding each other. Oh, Sean, thank you so much for being on the show.

And it's having a really good conversation. It's awesome to have your vulnerability and transparency and have everybody be able to learn a little bit more about you as well. Super happy to be here. Thank you. And until the next time. I'm looking for it in person. I was saying in person, way better. Spotify Studios.

Yeah, fuck yeah. Where can people find you? I know on Insta, but anything coming up? Instagram, the Love Drive. No, there's nothing coming up. I've just been working on my subscription based blogging Substack publication called The Love Drive. So a lot more intimate writings, shangalanos.substack.com. That's it. Yeah, I'll link all and everything in the show knows when people find you. But I'm stoked. Can't wait for part two in person. Yeah, thank you so much.