The School of Greatness - 10 TOOLS to Reclaim Your Life: Live in PEACE & ABUNDANCE

Episode Date: July 5, 2024

Have you bought your tickets to Summit of Greatness 2024 yet? What’s holding you back?! lewishowes.com/ticketsIn this episode of The School of Greatness, Lewis Howes hosts an inspiring discussion with Muniba Mazari, Jay Shetty, and Gabby Bernstein, focusing on mental strength, self-love, and overcoming trauma. Muniba Mazari shares her journey of finding gratitude and self-acceptance despite her physical challenges, emphasizing the importance of not comparing oneself to others on social media. Jay Shetty discusses mindfulness and the intentional design of life, stressing how sights, sounds, and scents can positively influence our daily experiences. Gabby Bernstein delves into coping mechanisms and the internal family systems therapy, explaining how we can heal from past traumas by acknowledging and understanding our protective behaviors. Together, they offer powerful practices to help listeners achieve mental peace and strength.In this episode you will learnThe impact of social media on self-esteem and how to navigate it mindfully.Practical ways to incorporate mindfulness into daily life through intentional exposure to sights, sounds, and scents.The significance of self-acceptance and self-love in personal growth.How to identify and overcome coping mechanisms that mask deeper emotional wounds.Techniques to connect with your inner self and create a balanced, fulfilling life.For more information go to www.lewishowes.com/1637For more Greatness text PODCAST to [phone]Full episodes featured today:Muniba Mazari – https://link.chtbl.com/1282-podGabby Bernstein – https://link.chtbl.com/1407-podJay Shetty – https://link.chtbl.com/1571-pod

Hey everyone, this is Lewis Howes and I am so excited to invite you to the Summit of Greatness 2024 happening at the iconic Shrine Auditorium in Los Angeles, California. This is more than just an event. It's a powerful experience designed to ignite your passion, boost your growth, and connect you with a community of other inspiring achievers. Join us Friday, September 13th and Saturday, September 14th for two days packed with inspiration and transformation from some of the most incredible speakers on the planet. Don't miss out on this chance to elevate your life, unlock your potential, and be part of something truly special.

Make sure to get your tickets right now and step into greatness with us at the Summit of Greatness 2024. Head over to lewishouse.com slash tickets and get your tickets today, and I will see you there. For people who might feel stuck in their life, might feel some type of brokenness, whether it be emotionally or physically, and they say, I don't know how to go after my dreams. What advice would you give to people who are struggling to figure out what their dreams are and also how to go after them? First and foremost, we have this constant pressure of overachievement thanks to social media. Why? Because everybody's posting about something great. You know, I achieved this. I

achieved that. Oh my God. Hashtag global trotter. Wait, I cannot afford to buy a ticket. I cannot go anywhere. What am I supposed to do? Right? When you see people posting, rather bragging about what they have done in their lives every day, projects after projects, you question yourself. Am I doing enough? Am I good enough? Is my life meaningful enough meaningful enough right but let me tell you something social media is all about the good stuff nobody is going to post about their daily struggles when I try to sit every day in the morning because my back muscles don't work I fall back then I try to get up I fall back and it happens. So basically, I start my day as a failure because I just cannot sit on my own without the help of my mother. But my social

media doesn't show that. It's all about inspirational things, right? So please, you don't have to be an overachiever every day. Sometimes just waking up in the morning and not giving up on yourself is a huge achievement. Absolutely. You know, and I do it every day. You do it every day. We all do that. So appreciate it and be kind to yourself. Yeah. And you were talking about people dreaming. I always say one thing that dreams don't work unless you do. You know, there is no such thing as overnight achievement. No, if it comes easy, it goes easy. I can sit in the corner of the room and daydream all day long, but nobody's going to come and serve success on plate. Right? So I have

to be optimistic, but I have to be realistic too. I need to work to get my dreams. And that's it. And what I've learned so far, Lewis, is the attitude of gratitude works wonders. Just be grateful. Because you are way, way better than many. You know, it is so powerful that gratitude has the power to turn what you have into enough. You know, gratitude will never let, it will never

turn your pain into suffering. It will never, you know, and so be grateful for all the things that you have, for the things that you don't have or you have lost. Just be grateful. There's a, for many years of my life, I would get frustrated when things would happen. Right. I remember having a dream of being a professional football player and I got injured. I broke my wrist and had a surgery and had to recover for about a year and a half, which kept me from playing and living my dream and playing sports anymore. And then I went through multiple breakups.

I had to learn the lesson the hard way many times in relationships. You know, just lots of things happened where I was like, why is this happening? Why? Why is this breakdown happening? Why am I in pain? Why did this happen when I was a child? All these different things. And then I finally learned a strategy where people always say, you know, when you look

back, you can connect the dots. Hindsight is 20-20, they say, right? You can look back, you can connect the dots. Hindsight is 2020, they say, right? You can look back and you can see why that needed to happen. Then when bad things started to happen, I said, you know what? I'm going to look forward. I'm going to have future hindsight. I'm going to say, you know what? This needed to happen because it's helping me become a new person.

It's helping me let go of toxic relationships. It's helping me get on a different path that will serve more people in my life and bring me more joy. When you had this accident, did you think about yourself in the future? Or when did you realize, I should say, when did you start to realize that, oh, this is happening for me because it's going to benefit more people. It's going to bring me closer to my mission or it's going to help me bring myself more joy. When did that happen for you? It's rightly said, nothing is happening to us. It's happening for us. It's all about perception, right? It's all about your perspective. You know, I cannot relate to that 21 year old who used to walk around. I don't even remember, Luis, how it feels to stand on your legs.

Wow. I just don't feel it. And if you can feel it, you're very lucky. You know, health is such a big blessing. And when I say that health is a blessing, it does not make me unlucky because I'm not healthy that way. say that health is a blessing does not make me unlucky because I'm not healthy that way. But all I know is that when I say rebirth, it was a completely new me. It was a totally different person. And yes, there are lessons, there are mistakes. And I always say that even wrong people in your life, they become lessons. Bad times become lessons. Your mistakes become great lessons. And you learn,

you grow, you improve. And that's what life journey is all about. Yeah. I'm curious, what is the difference between self-acceptance and accepting where you're at, but saying, but I want to improve and get better. Not just saying, I accept myself and I'm going to not do anything about how to improve. Is there a difference there? And what is that? I think self-acceptance is the first step. Then comes self-love and loving yourself. You know, I have always said this, that love yourself, but don't fall in love with yourself. And there's a huge difference between the two. What is that? Okay.

When you fall in love with yourself, you are unable to see the flaws, the problems, the toxicity. Because you're so deeply, madly, blindly in love that you just cannot see the problems. Right? But when you love yourself, you want to improve, you want to become a better person every day, right? You don't love yourself blindly. You will question your problems. You will try to improve. So love yourself, but don't fall in love with yourself. And that starts the minute you accept yourself the way you are. Then you become to become better. Then you try to become better. Love this. Why do you think people struggle so much with loving themselves and with self-love?

A lot has to do with social media, especially in today's time and age. You know, we are a generation obsessed with perfection. We want everything perfect. And everything has to be Instagram perfect. Hashtag couple goals. Hashtag beautiful. You know, let's redefine the word beauty. Let's redefine the word perfection.

I've always said this, and I'll say it again, that I'm perfectly imperfect, and that's perfectly all right. I have accepted myself with all the imperfections, things that I cannot change, the deformity that I have in my body, I cannot fix that. The scars that I have on my body, even though I'm healed, wounds and scars are still there. I'm not ready to change that. I'm okay with that. I've accepted. But what really makes me perfect is how I communicate with people.

Am I kind enough? Am I compassionate enough? Am I considerate enough? That makes me perfect. That makes you perfect. And that's what it is. What would you say is the biggest challenge you face today? The biggest struggle that you're trying to overcome? Maybe it's something internally or externally. Is there anything

that you're facing with now? Right now? Not really, I think. But when this happened 14 years back, I think, but when this happened 14 years back, you know, a wheelchair is always, I don't know why, but it's always been a symbol of pain and suffering and weakness. And oh my God, poor girl. I've heard this so many times that she's too pretty to be in the wheelchair. Like, what are you trying to do? Are you trying to praise me or trying to make me feel bad? Then, you know, and in the worst case scenario, I've heard people saying that she must have done something wrong. That's why God punished her.

But wait, I was just 21. What did I do wrong to deserve this? You know, so it took me a while to let the world know that, you know, this wheelchair is not adversity. This wheelchair is not weakness. This wheelchair is not suffering. It's the part of my body now. This wheelchair is not an accessory anymore. It's me.

Wheelchair alone is nothing. But when I sit in the wheelchair, that's the package. Talk to that package now. Talk to that human being now. Yes, I have problems. Yes, I cannot walk. I know that. But then there is so much more that I can do and I'm doing in my life.

You know, so the biggest challenge was to change the mindset, which I think has changed with time because it's been 14 years now. Yeah. What was the biggest thing within your mindset that shifted? In my mindset? You know what? I have made peace with the fact that no matter how amazing you are, no matter what you do, no matter what you say, no matter how cool you are, there will always be haters. There will be naysayers. There will be disbelievers because you cannot be liked and loved by everyone.

Some people will hate you for some reason. Some will hate you for no reason. Appreciate it and acknowledge. Just the way you appreciate all the love, let's acknowledge all the disliking too. all the love. Let's acknowledge all the disliking too. How do you manage that when people discount you or maybe talk negative about you online or wherever? How do you personally deal with it? You know, I've always prayed for those who see their failure in my success. Those who hate you today, they were once dreamers who gave up on their dreams oh wow right haters were once dreamers they just gave up so when they see a woman in a wheelchair doing something they have to hate me because you know a lot of people said that, oh, just because she's in the wheelchair, she got the chance to do all this. Dude, you are walking around.

Right. You had the chance to, but you were too busy hating on people. You missed the chance. So I understand. I'm an empath. I understand. You know, why is that hatred coming? understand, you know, why is that hatred coming? You know, and again, pray for those who see their failure in your success. Hating is not easy. It's exhausting. Yeah, it's exhausting. I mean,

like, imagine every day. I mean, I will be posting all the good stuff on my social media. You will be posting all the amazing stuff you're doing on social media. And they're just sitting in the room doing nothing and just hating. Who is the sufferer? We are not suffering. They are. So they need empathy and kindness. Did you always have this belief for the last 14 years? Or when you started to put your message out there and share your story, was it painful and hurtful for you at one point? Or you always have this perspective? I think perspectives change. I was always a very grateful person, you know, not before the accident. You know, I used to crib a lot because I was too young and I was too naive. But you know, with time, yes, with time I realized that, you know, with time, yes, with time, I realized that, you know, everyone is fighting an unseen battle, Luis, everyone. And we are so good at the art of concealing the pain that we are in, all of us, you know, the methodology changes. You know, there are certain ways that we conceal pain. Sometimes we share, sometimes we don't. But we all are going through something in life every day, you know.

And I realized that if I think that I'm the one who's the most broken one, no. I have traveled around the world. I have met so many people. And they had shared their very personal stories of how broken they are. And let me tell you, none of them were in the wheelchair. So there are so many people who are walking around, who are perfectly fine. They are running their businesses. They are so broken from within. All they want is to be understood. They want someone who can understand their pain, you know, and I feel so blessed that when people look at me, when they see me in the

wheelchair, maybe, you know, they just think that because she is in pain, we can talk to her because she can understand what we are going through. Why do you think so many people are broken in the world who maybe aren't in a wheelchair, who have able-bodied, let's say, don't have a disformed body or something, but they're broken. Where do you think that brokenness is coming from for so many people? Too many expectations from people. Too many expectations. You know, we want to get into a relationship because we want happiness.

We want to feel complete, right? Soulmates. No, you are your own soulmate, period. You know, if you are not in a good relationship with yourself, you will be miserable, even if you are in a relationship with someone. That's why people are broken. My happiness cannot be taken by someone because my happiness does not come with someone. That's why people are broken. My happiness cannot be taken by someone because my happiness does not come from someone. Nobody is giving me my joy. I am the

reason of my own joy. If we manage to understand this tiny little truth about life, we will heal. And time doesn't heal you, you heal you. You need to sit down with yourself and think, do you love yourself enough? And if you love yourself enough and you believe in self-love, no external force will ever be able to break you. How do we learn to love ourselves if we have been telling ourselves for so long i'm not lovable or i had this accident or you know i went through a breakup in a relationship and they left me or they abandoned me or whatever it might be how do we how do we not let outside factors dictate our feelings about ourself and not let the fear of abandonment of people or people's love hold us back from loving ourselves.

Yes, the fear of abandonment. We all have that. And we need to overcome this fear. You know, when I always say when wrong people leave, right things start to happen. And we all are living a life story. You have your own story. I have my story. My brothers have their story. My mother has her own story. And when you find yourself in the wrong story, just leave. If someone is not adding value to your life story, or if you are not adding value to someone's life story, leave. Sometimes it takes letting go to realize we're holding on to nothing. We are too busy clinging on to those relationships, which are not meant to be in our journey. You know, and that's why I say that these people are so toxic with with time they

become so toxic for you that you know what your presence in their life is their only definition and they will never want you to leave because they're so weak they want to stay in your shadow so you need to pick and choose this person person is toxic. Leave. Liberate yourself by setting all these extra people free who do not belong to your journey. You know, and these people will always weigh you down. And if there's something is weighing you down, how will you fly high? You know, and fear of abandonment, if you can manage to overcome this fear, again, when you are on your own completely, that is where you will understand that solitude is very powerful. So powerful. It's very powerful.

Yeah. You know, because even in that silence, you're having a conversation. I mean, there is no energy vampire around me. I'm on my own and I'm manifesting the best things for myself. I would never trade my solitude to anything because when I am alone on my own, I am the best version of myself because I'm kind to myself. Yes. You're kind to myself. Yes. You're kind to yourself. Yes. How much time did you spend alone after the accident? So I have this, this really cool habit. I switch off. So even when I'm, you know,

surrounded by a lot of people, I'm actually not there most of the times. Really? Yes. I'm just thinking. You know what? Recently, I was thinking about something that when I was talking about that, how, you know, this beautiful balance of strength and vulnerability makes us who we are. I was thinking about it the other day that I've experienced this balance on daily basis.

I've experienced this balance on daily basis. You know, when I see my social media, you know, when I read emails and people sending beautiful messages that, you know, how your words have empowered us and, you know, because if you, we're not never going to give up. It gives me so much strength, you know, and I say to myself, oh my God, I'm so strong. And then at the nighttime, when I'm thirsty, I'm unable to get up and get a glass of water for myself. Right? That's my reality. And how vulnerable I am at that moment. So this strength and this vulnerability makes us who we are. So I need to have my own moment with myself where I am willing to understand myself better. That if I am vulnerable, that's okay. I'm strong too. And the perfect balance of these two things make me who I am. I'm so fascinated by your story. And every time I see your content, it makes me smile. Every time I see you post a video or a photo, I'm so fascinated by your story. And every time I see your content, it makes me smile.

Every time I see you post a video or a photo, I'm always just rooting for you. I'm so excited for you and your life and the impact you make. And you are so much more talented than just an artist. At first, you wanted to be an artist, and then you thought you couldn't be. You were like, these don't look good. But now you're selling your art, your your arts and galleries it's really inspiring but you're also a massive activist you're you know a tv anchor model you did modeling you sing and you're a speaker and you motivate millions of people around the world um you could have not done any of it you could have

said i just want to be an artist and just go after that one thing. But you decided to go for more. What, when and why did you say, I want to start sharing the story and start putting this message out there in a bigger way and revealing these things about yourself that maybe you were scared to do?

You know, I remember when I gave my very first talk, that was TEDx. And it actually happened when I decided and I manifested that I'm going to overcome the fear of facing people. That's so ironic, that a public speaker was once scared of facing people. I was for sure, yeah. I know.

So what happened was, I gave my very first TED talk, and after my TED talk, a girl from the audience, she came to me and she was crying. And she said, can I give you a hug? And I said, sure. So she gave me a hug. And she said, your 10-minute TED Talk has solved 10 problems of my life. And she said, today, you made me realize that those 10 problems never existed. They were just in my head.

And I was overthinking. And because of you, I'm never going to give up. You know, in that moment, in the flashback, I could hear my mother saying, one day God will show you how did he choose you out of so many for this test. And that was the moment of realization that, you know what, if my words can change someone's perspective, maybe this is my true calling in life. You know, and as they say that in the end, what matters is how many lives you have touched. So art is my comfort zone, Lewis. You know, I can sit in the corner of my room in a cozy environment, have a cup of coffee and paint and sell the work, make both ends meet, pay the bills, raise my son and live. But I mean, is that enough?

It's not enough. Because comfort zone is a good place to be, but nothing ever grows there. So if you really want to grow as a person, if you really want to learn and unlearn, we need to tap on all the abilities that we have. We are so blessed with immense potential, which remains untapped because we are too busy doing nine to five. We are too busy paying bills and we live the same routine for so many years and then we end up calling it life it's not life it's not you know I realized later that you know I was labeled as the first wheelchair bound model the first wheelchair bound singer the first wheelchair bound anchor first wheelchair about you know and it was so much rubbed in my face that I

said you know what I might be the first one to do all this, but I wouldn't be the last. I had to pave paths for so many people who are supremely talented, who are differently abled, who are supremely talented, but maybe, maybe they were just a bit scared to take the first step. I took the first step.

I broke those barriers. At least I tried, you know? And now I see a lot of young boys and girls doing amazing work. Why? Because now it's normal. It's normal for a wheelchair user to smile. It's normal for a wheelchair user, may it be a boy or a girl, to look good, to wear lipstick, to look nice, you know, to face the world. It's normal now.

And even right now, when being an anchor person, you know, I'm working for the national TV of Pakistan. And when I'm doing my show, I'm always thinking about that little boy or girl, you know, sitting in a far-flung village watching my show. And I think about them that, you know, they might be thinking that if a girl or a woman in a wheelchair can do this, we can do that too, you know, and that's what it is. So one day I feel, Louis, that the day I will leave the world, you know, a lot of people will see my reflection in these young boys and girls who are unique, who are different, who were scared once,

but now they're not anymore. Yeah. Speaking of young boys and girls, you know, in your videos online, you talked about how after the accident, the doctor said that you wouldn't be able to have kids. Isn't that right? Yes. Was that really like a shock and very devastating for you? And if so, why was that so devastating? And what did you do about it to change that narrative? It was devastating. Yes, definitely it was. You know, we live in a society where if women, you know, it's a bit of truth. A lot of people will hate me to say that but i have to say it because i've experienced that if a woman is unable to reproduce if a woman is unable to be a mother she's labeled as a useless woman oh she cannot give birth to a child she's incomplete right and this is not changing. I hope one day things will change, but it's not changing for women.

And, you know, the first thing that came to my mind was that, oh, my God, I loved kids. I will never be able to have a child, but people are not going to accept me. Because at that point, I was married and I cannot have kids disaster you know how will I tell the world that even if I cannot give birth to a child I can still love a child unconditionally you don't have to give birth to a child to be a mother you know and so what happened was again that was my biggest fear that I wanted to have children. I wanted to have at least one child. So what I did was I adopted a child.

And that baby was my son's name is Niall. He was a few days old when I held him for the first time in my arms. And now he is 11 years old. Wow. I mean, he is so amazing. He's such a bundle of joy. And, you know, when I held him for the first time, it actually made me feel that, you know, he was the fruit of all the pain that I've been through. Wow. So, yes. What's been the biggest lessons he has taught you and

motherhood has taught you? Oh, motherhood is all about unconditional love. It's all about that. You know, a woman in a wheelchair can be a mother. A woman who cannot see her child can be a mother. You know, so you cannot define motherhood in words. It is just all about being unconditionally in love with a child, whether you have given birth to that child or not. I mean, probably my eyes, my eye color does not match my son's eyes, but I see my reflection in his eyes every day. And this little boy who is now 11, he is such an inspiration. I have learned so much from him, you know, so much from him. You know, one thing I've learned from Niall is that kids don't judge.

They don't. You know, and I've shared this many times. I've shared this with your audience also that he was about four years old. You know, he's obsessed with soccer. He loves football. So we got him his first football. And he was so excited, you know, so much so that he actually forgot that I'm in the wheelchair. So he said, Mom, I got my football. Let's play football. And I said, yes, let's do it. So he kept the football in my feet. And he said, Mom, kick the ball. And I looked at him and I said,

Niall, my legs don't work. Wow. You know, and I, you know, I just started crying a little bit. And I was acting all cool, but he could sense that, you know, I just started crying a little bit and I was acting all cool, but he could sense that, you know what, my mom is hurting. And he looked at me and he said, it's okay. Your legs don't work. Your hands are working. Let's play catch the ball. You know, and in that moment, he made me realize that when we are busy thinking about the glass

is half empty, he made me realize that no, think positive because your glass is half full. And so that's how we play. Instead of playing football, we were playing catch the ball. I love this. I love this story. Can you wheel the wheelchair and kick it with the wheelchair? Can you kind of turn it and hit a little bit? No, no too scared honestly you know sometimes it tips over and it just scares me so much so yes no adventures on the wheelchair for me oh man it falls over sometimes it does really is that how what is that what is that like when when it falls over you have to be in the wheelchair to understand how it feels. Oh, man, that's scary. Oh, man.

One of the things we talked about before we started this was the power of identifying your fears, creating a list of your fears. You talk about this in one of your videos where there was a point of your life where you were just afraid of everything. You know, lots of different things you're afraid of. Can you talk about the importance and what you did to just overcome fear after fear and what that did for you, that exercise of overcoming them? So I'll tell you something. I'm talking about self-acceptance, you know, accept yourself the way you are. It's never easy. I think the biggest obstacle is a long list of fears, all sorts of fears, known, unknown. My biggest fears were three. They were my major fears. So I wrote them down and I said, you know what, I'm going to overcome these fears one at a time. My biggest fear was facing people, you know, and when I used

to now when I say this to the world that, you know, I was scared of facing people, you know. And when I used to, now when I say this to the world that, you know, I was scared of facing people, people think I'm being funny. But no. And it's not the fact that I did not want to see people or I just hated people. That's why I didn't want to see them. You know, I was tired of, you know, those remarks like, oh, poor girl, you know, I was tired of being treated as a patient. Oh, how do you feel? I feel the same. Ask me more about what I'm doing in life right now, you know, and this, this mercy in their eyes that, oh, poor girl, that, that really, you know, that was killing me from within. And I said, you know what, I'm going to overcome this fear of facing people. overcome this fear of facing people and you know maybe one day they will understand that I'm okay

I'm okay the way I am now I've accepted myself so please you need to accept me too you know and as they say that when you think about doing something the universe conspires while I was thinking constantly about how can I overcome this fear of facing people? How can I do this? I was going to the malls, I was doing groceries, but that wasn't enough. Out of the blue, I got a call from TEDx. And, you know, so the guy said that, you know, we really want you to come and share your story. And without missing a second, I said, I'm doing it. So that's how I gave my very first TED Talk. And in fact, while I was giving the talk, you know, I was sharing my life story with the world. You know, there I was sitting in front of so many people and sharing my story thinking, what am I doing? You know, I'm literally becoming an open book and everybody can come and say things to me because, you know, here I am. They can judge you. Yeah, they can do whatever. Yeah, of course.

Right. But then I realized that maybe, you know, someone somewhere in the audience needs my words. So I'll do it for that one person. And then later that girl came from the audience. And in that moment, I realized that, you know, probably being speaker is my true calling in life, maybe. You know, then the other biggest fear was the fear of not becoming a mother. And I was constantly thinking about it. You know, how? How can I work? And then I sat down with my mother one day and I said, Mama, I want to adopt a child.

And, you know, but I was scared you know being a wheelchair user I said you know maybe you know it will be hard and my mother said I'm with you we'll raise him together you know and so I said can we do this she said yes let's do it and And that's how. So I applied for adoption. I waited for two years, you know, and then one fine day out of nowhere, I got a call. The lady said, there is a baby boy and would you like to adopt? I said, is that even a question? Of course, yes. So that's how Nile came in my life. And then the other biggest fear was abandonment. As we were talking earlier, what happens when people leave? Trust me, nothing happens.

We are so scared of abandonment that, again, when you let go of all the extra people, you realize that you never needed them. You just never needed them. So have a good relationship with yourself and you will never be scared of abandonment. So when I overcame this fear of facing people, I became a speaker or whatever things I'm doing. When I overcame the fear of motherhood, I became a mother, you know? So that's what it is. Why do you think so many people are afraid to be alone?

This is kind of like this fear. I don't want to die alone. I can't, you know, go day by day without having friends around me all the time. I can't be alone. I can't go to dinner by myself. I can't go to the movie by myself. I can't walk down the street alone. Why is there this insecurity or fear that so many people have?

Because we forget that we came in the world with nothing and we live with nothing. We came alone crying. And when we were born, we were in pain, right? And we were crying. That was the sign of life. Oh, the baby is alive because the baby is crying and the baby is in pain.

And when we leave, we are alone. So many people have left. Life does not stop. Right. We are designed because we are social animals. Right. We human beings are social animals. We need to socialize.

The problem comes. Problem is not with the relationship. The problem is the expectations that we have with our partners that my spouse has to make me feel good yeah it doesn't work that way it doesn't your spouse is a human being too fighting battles you are doing too again if you two are not complementing each other your life will become miserable and also there's one thing that I've noticed people are competing I mean two people in a relationship are not complimenting each other they're competing with one another this is so silly yes I mean you are

supposed to compliment each other you know but you guys are competing with each other and no wonder why so many people are so broken. So broken. Either they switch to the new relationships like that because, oh my God, what will happen if we are all by ourselves? Trust me, nothing happens. You know, this global pandemic has taught us a lesson.

You know, and that is by the end of the day, we are all on our own. So if you want to heal from COVID, you have to live with yourself. And you know why people were so scared of being on their own? Because they have never spent time with themselves for so long.

And they were just so scared. But let me tell you something. Being a wheelchair user, I have spent so much time on my own. And it did not kill me. So when you sit with yourself, you realize, oh, I'm actually a good company for myself. And that's it. So you go you go you meet people you socialize because it's fun but not because you need to do it but because you want to do it that's what it is and i think there's this um you know there's this thing where we shouldn't be abandoning ourselves we don't need to be at an event or

be in relationships with people if they are constantly toxic, like you said, or if they're making us wrong or bad, if they're not accepting us. That's really a form of self-hatred if we keep putting ourselves in those situations and we abandon the love for ourselves, the boundaries we need to create to have the environment of peace and love and joy. So I think it's important for us to remember that. We don't have to keep showing up in situations where people are trying to hurt us. We can protect ourselves and not abandon ourselves. Yes. Like Maya Angelou says, when people show you their true colors, believe them. Yeah, absolutely. Do not justify their toxicity.

Oh, you know, my spouse is being overprotective. You know what? Because she's so much in love. No, that's toxic. That's bad. And it's only going to get worse. You know, so be aware. When people show you their true colors, believe them.

Yes. be be aware when people show you their true colors believe them yes we run from these impermissible feelings from our past these are emotional disturbances from our childhood traumatic events trauma with a big t trauma with a small t a big t trauma is being sexually abused as a child having some kind of violence living through a catastrophic event growing up in an alcoholic home a small t trauma's being bullied yeah a small t trauma's being told you're stupid by a teacher but the traumatic events from our past are the ones that are so impermissible because inside those experiences, particularly childhood developmental experiences, is the shame, the impermissible rage, the feelings of inadequacy and feelings of being unlovable. of inadequacy and feelings of being unlovable. And so we build up all these different protection mechanisms around us to avoid ever having to face those impermissible wounds. And those protections could be achievement. They could look good on the outside. That's the scary thing, right? So workaholism can be really praised at times. It can look like alcoholism. It can look like drug addiction. And we just

create all these forms of protection around ourselves to never have to go there. But what's happened recently is when we've been struck with feelings of not being safe, feelings of being out of control, a lot of our typical coping mechanisms won't work anymore. What are typical coping mechanisms for most people? Typical coping mechanisms, heading to anymore. What are typical coping mechanisms for most people? Typical coping mechanisms, heading to the fridge, overeating, overworking, not working, like numbing out, vegging out, the sofa, a coping mechanism. And I refer to coping mechanisms as protector parts. I am now trained in internal family systems therapy. And so in IFS, we talk about these protectors. And what are they protecting us from? Those exiled child parts, those impermissible parts that we don't want to ever touch, don't want to go into.

Protectors are the coping mechanisms. Correct. The addictive or non-healthy coping mechanisms, let me hear you say. Correct. Yeah. Those are called protectors. Totally. Exactly. The things that we don't want to go and face. The pain, the shame. And sometimes we don't even know that they're a problem. Like a workaholic may not yet know that that's a problem for them. Or

codependency. So they're constantly protecting themselves by finding relationship. Or there's, for me, there was the controller. You, you were, you were in studio with the controller many times. And, and you also even went as far as like almost pick up on that at early in our relationship where you were like, you know, it could be a little easier. You would, you noticed it for me. And there's, there's, and I have one that's called knives out. She's not out anymore, but she, she was like this, like, you know, like, if you f*** with me, you f*** with death row, like I am done. So were those your two main coping mechanisms, I guess?

Well, there was my 25-year-old cocaine addict. And then there is the, you know, another interesting protector part is even spirituality at times. Because while it's a beautiful practice to be on a spiritual quest, and it's what I've been writing about for over a decade, we can at times use our spiritual practice to get above the pain. And so that you're newly sober, and you're're like in every meditation class and you're doing, you know, your Kundalini yoga and you're, you know, you're, you're just, you're getting high on your own supply, right? Which is excellent. It's much better than drinking and there's, and it's a beautiful pursuit, but it's also another form of protecting what is deeper. And frankly,

of protecting what is deeper. And frankly, that spiritual bypassing, as we would call it, is actually a tremendous gift at times because it's too painful to go to those places. So if spirituality is what you've got, that's way better than the drugs and the alcohol, right? But you're still masking in a sense, right? But it's still another way of masking. It's still another way of getting above what is so uncomfortable to face below. What were the two or three biggest things that you weren't willing to face for so long?

For the reasons why you had these... I didn't even know what they were. I got clean and sober at 25 and became extremely fascinated by my spiritual practice and became a spiritual teacher and started writing books on spirituality and personal growth. And then all the while was writing books and on Oprah and, you know, friends with guys like you and, you know, doing my, moving my career forward and helping a lot of people and losing it on the inside, just cracking on the inside. By the time I was 36 years old, I was, this is about probably maybe six months before that interview

I referenced between you and I, I was just completely overwhelmed with my reality that I had created. What reality? The extreme control. Oh, okay. So I had authored maybe six or seven books. I'd had all this busyness happening. And you remember, I had no team.

I had like one virtual assistant running this business that could have had 20 people at the time. And so I just kept just pushing, pushing, pushing and all because I was trying to control. I was trying to stay safe. I was trying to stay safe from feelings that I didn't want to feel, but I didn't know that. So I kept looking back saying, why was I a drug addict? Why am I such a workaholic? Why am I codependent? Why am I, why, why, why, why, why? Until I was 36. Interesting. And had a dream. And in the dream, I remembered being, I remembered I was an adult addressing that I had been sexually abused as a child. In the dream. Yes. And I woke up and I was like, no way, never talking about that again. I had a talk that night. I was like, no, down, get down.

And a few days later, I was in therapy and my therapist was asking me a few leading questions. And one thing that she said in particular just catapulted me into the memory and not visual or details, but just the acceptance that this indeed did happen to me. And so it turns out that for over 30 years, I'd dissociated from a childhood memory because it was so extreme. And I ran from it in all the same ways that we run from trauma with the workaholism the cocaine addiction the love addiction all of it what's the root of the the shame or what's the root of hiding or overworking or controlling is it shame that I'm not enough or that it's just too hard to face this pain or that if people knew this about me, no one would love me? What's the core fear that a lot of us face when that event occurs?

So I don't think it's necessarily a logical fear that we have in our conscious awareness. It's a sense. It's an underbelly. And the more personal growth work we do, we can say, oh, okay, you know, I worked so hard to be seen. Or, you know, you can start to see the map. But when we're in it, it's really hard to recognize. So much so that in the book I write about, I wrote this chapter about shame. And I tell this whole story about how I'm in this training where I'm teaching, but I'm also with two other teachers.

So when the other teachers were leading the workshop, I was in the audience just like, oh, let me hook up my friends. I'll sit and listen. Yeah, check it out. Like the whole workshop is on shame. And I'm thinking to myself, I don't have any shame. 36 years old, you know. I'm succeeding.

I'm driven. I'm this. I just, I, it's such a, it's, it's, it's the most difficult emotion to face. And being in that room, that one exercise, I was like, oh my God, this is what I've been running from. This is what I've been hiding from. This is, you know, a decade into my sobriety and i'm just touching into this now what was the exercise it was i think it was about like witnessing how you respond to things and being aware of like how

you react becoming conscious of what it feels like if someone is a triggered human being in life maybe not every day but something happens and it triggers them what is that saying about the person that they haven't healed something that's allowing the trigger, that those events have power over them, that they have negative coping mechanisms. What is that reactiveness or shutdownness and not standing up for yourself? Whatever it is that people do, an unhealthy reaction, let's say. So the trigger, I'm going to speak to this in IFS language.

So internal family systems was founded by my new friend Dick Schwartz, and it's just the most beautiful therapy. Internal family systems. Systems, yeah. And I now did the level one training. I'm going to carry on and continue training in this. It's the most incredible practice I've ever used. And I've been in that type of therapy for a decade, and then I most recently got it

under my belt. And so what it is, and I could do some with you too today. What it is, is the premise that we have these exiled child parts that the young boy was sexually abused, the little girl who was sexually abused, or just the kid that was bullied or the kid. And I don't want to just say just because people are committing suicide over this, but, or the, you know know being told you're not good enough or whatnot or just a little bit of neglect or whatever it is those experiences from our childhood just get so pushed away locked under lock and key never to be spoken of again then the protectors show up and from a very young age protectors meaning coping mechanisms exactly

yeah and any time and the protectors actually have two different forms. There's managers, which are just sort of like, you know, workaholic, you know, working. And then there's these firefighter protector parts that are like, F this, cannot go any further. I am going right for the drink or I got to go right for the fridge or just the addiction, the addictive parts, right? So those are all known as protectors. When we get triggered, when there's a moment

where that child part gets activated, your father just passed, there's probably a lot of triggers that came up around that. Without any deep awareness of our system, our internal system, we'll get activated. The young part might get activated because we feel out of control, we feel unsafe. Something activates that part.

When that feeling starts to creep in, the protector comes right in. The protector's like, gonna work, gonna eat, gonna run, gonna run, run, run, run, run, run, run. Yeah. The reaction. The reaction. You're gonna control, gonna, you know, whatever it might be. Scream, whatever. Rage, blame, judge, self-attack, attack others, binge on television.

Anything that that part can do to anesthetize the voice of that or the presence, even this tinge of feeling sensation of that exiled child part. And then the beautiful good news is we all have what's known as self. And for years as a spiritual teacher, I would have called this higher self or God or universe. And in this case, I would call it self with a capital S. And self is the calm, courageous, curious, creative. Part of who we are that has always been there. It's the truth of who we are. It's the soul of who we are. And it's a non-physical energy that is us.

And when we learn to connect to that self-energy and let that self-energy relate to and support the protectors, then our entire system can relax. You talk a lot about practicing meditation and also prayer. And you say something that was interesting that you said about using silence to hear in between the lines. So can you share what that means to hear in between the lines through prayer, meditation, mindfulness, and kind of what this all means? How can we understand this? There's a lot of noise about it, but what does it really mean? When I hear the word mindfulness, to me, what it really means is intentionality what I mean by that is

are you crafting designing and intentionally creating your life or are you just coasting in the passenger seat of your life which is just dragging you and driving you wherever it's taking you. And so it's the difference between being the driver or being in the passenger seat. And so to me, living intentionally is what allows you to live a life of by design. And so I'll give an example of what mindfulness can look like. There's something in the book that I talk about called the three S's, which are sights, sense, and sounds. Now, if you think about that, we're exposed to

sights, scents, and sounds every single day. Every single day. But how many of us have crafted those to be sights, scents, and sounds that we want in our life? So this is what I realized. When we were monks, one of the most important things was, what was the first thing you saw, the sight, when you woke up? And right now, most people are probably seeing their screen. Yeah, I think 80% of people look at their screens first thing in the morning and the last thing at the night. So you're seeing your screen first thing in the morning. But what are you really seeing?

You're seeing everyone else's priorities. You're seeing everyone else's issues and challenges. You're seeing everyone else's messages to you, which means you're already starting your day off reactively. But what if you started your morning looking at a painting that inspired you or a picture of a loved one that brought joy in your heart or your favorite quote by Lewis or by anyone else that when you read that in the morning, you were like, oh yeah, I feel in charge today to make a difference in the world. So imagine the first thing you saw in the morning was something inspiring. How much would your day change? That's mindfulness. Mindfulness is being intentional and mindful

about what you are exposing yourself to. Let's talk about sounds next. So sounds was something that I started to study actually much later from a modern life perspective. But when we were monks, we would wake up to birds. We would wake up up to water we'd wake up to gongs or symbols chance exactly which are all beautiful sounds now the crazy thing is all of us wake up to something called an alarm I don't know why anyone would want to wake up a lot of an alarm why would you want to wake up alarmed it means now your system is alarming like why would you want to do that why would you want to wake up in shock in a state of like a jolt I don't think that's a positive way

to wake up so changing the sound that you wake up to now I'm not saying that everyone can wake up to nature sounds maybe you're one of those people who just hit the snooze button again but what if you woke up to a sound or a song that brought you joy now when I lived in New York for two years between 2016 and 2018 I started to feel quite exhausted by the end of the day and I was really looking into like why is it that I feel tired and I start to realize I came across this term called cognitive load and what it means is that a lot of the sounds that you hear in New York City are sounds

that are insignificant for your mind to process. Drilling, construction work, taxis honking, driving, cars screeching, scratching. People yelling at each other in the streets. People yelling at each other on the streets. All of that sound is called cognitive load, where your brain is now trying to make sense of meaningless sound. Well, it's also just like, should I be afraid? This is a loud sound. Is my brain going to fight or flight? Like I need to protect myself. So you're always being alarmed. Yeah, exactly. And you hear sirens. The amount of sirens that I remember hearing on the streets. Now, when you hear sirens, sirens have an emotional trigger and they have an emotional response to them.

So think about your day. Think about when you come home from work, well, now you're working from home, right? What sound do you want to hear when you're working? What sound do you want to hear at the end of the day? When you sound design your life, that's called mindfulness. That's being intentional. And then finally, scent. Scent is such a powerful sense that we're not even aware. How many of you, when you smell your favorite food, can't already wait to eat it? Like you can almost taste it. Salivating. Yeah, you can taste it already just through scent.

Why is it that every time you walk into... Yeah, I think pizza has one of the best scents. Well, your wife, Roddy, has got some amazing food. That was amazing. When I walked in the kitchen last week, I was like, this is amazing. That was for you. That was special.

That was for you. That was for you. That was a good meal. That was a really good meal. She really appreciated that you love to eat, too. She was happy. Her heart was full. Exactly.

Bring a former jock into your house, and you'll clear all the food out. She was like, I've never seen someone eat that much. I was like, he's a big American dude. I was like, he can eat. And so, no, it was great. She was so happy that you appreciated it so much. She really appreciated that.

But the scent is important in your life. When you walk into a massage spa, it's the scent, the eucalyptus, the lavender, the sandalwood. It puts you in a peaceful state. Dude, scent puts you in Zen without trying. And so mindfulness is intentionally creating a life that makes you feel what you want to feel without having to just create the feeling from inside. You may say, Jay, you know, I really struggle trying to be positive. I struggle trying to deal with anxiety I really struggle trying to be positive I struggle trying to deal with anxiety I struggle trying to be focused your sight

sense and sounds can help you do that yeah and you start creating an environment where you naturally feel that like today when I walked into your studio I saw your books I saw these motivational quotes I saw a boxing glove and it's like all of a sudden you're like, oh, I'm in an uplifting environment. Right? So you already get triggered. Exactly. Yeah, I think a friend of mine mentioned one time on the podcast, Chris Lee,

said you want to create an environment like a rainforest where things can thrive and grow as opposed to having an environment like a desert where things go to die. That's beautiful. And if you have sights, scents, and sounds that are like a desert for your life, for your heart, then it's going to be hard to grow those things from your heart. But if you create an environment of a rainforest where things can grow, water, nature, you know, cool air, things like that, then you can really start to cultivate that growth. You mentioned about creating and designing your life. How much of the world do you think we receive by being here?

And how much of the world do we create ourselves? Yeah, that's a beautiful question. It's a complete dynamic dance between what the Vedic tradition would call fate and free will. So fate is what is already created for you. And a good example would be the place you were born, the type of family you grew up in, the socio-economic background you had. It was already there when you walked into the world but within that you had choices where your free will came about. You had the choice to either do what everyone in your neighborhood did or to do something different you had the choice to have a relationship with a

particular person or not so what happens is that we're constantly creating new spaces from which we have another choice right and so you kind of see as this dynamic dance between okay now I'm in this situation and now what is my choice in this situation? So I would say, I'm not saying it's equal. I'm saying it's a dynamic balance and a switching process where you're constantly creating a new level. And then now in that level, you have a next choice. Because we didn't have the choice to be created here. We were here and that wasn't our choice. Now, everything after that is our choice, right? Yeah. And there are some, obviously there are some traditions and I'm a big diver into like

reincarnation and past lives. So according to the beliefs of reincarnation and past lives, you have at some point made a choice to be here. But taking it more simplistically, the truth is that when you're brought into a situation, the best analogy that I've heard, and it's been told for years, is of a father is an alcoholic. One of the sons that he has decides to become an alcoholic because his father's an alcoholic. The other son decides to never drink alcohol because his father's an alcoholic. So they were exposed to the same situation and same scenario, Same environment. Same environment. But they both made different choices based on their experience.

And that's the choice element. That's the element that we should be trying to empower in our lives. Because we can constantly say, I'm limited by my environment or I've been restricted by my environment. And hey, it's true. There are so many of us that have been limited and restricted. And hey, it's true. There are so many of us that have been limited and restricted. But by now you repeating that, you are going to repeat that restriction in your life. How much of a positive environment supports us in our growth or holds us back?

There are some people who have the perfect family situation, resources, beautiful backyards and nature who are lazy. And there are others who have, you know, divorced parents, abusive parents, abusive friends, an environment of a desert. Yeah. And they figure out a way to thrive. Totally. How much importance does our environment play in our overall success? If you look at the examples that you just shared and you really analyze life, you'd see very little because you see people craft their own life. So a good example for me is that when I came back from living in the ashram and there were other people who may have been monks who'd also left the path and I came back to a not financially successful or supportive family so my family doesn't have abundant wealth and couldn't necessarily have taken care of me or paid for me forever and I had to figure out my own life and that to me was a great sense of impetus and

incentive to go and figure it out and learn new skills and network and meet people and I saw other friends who'd parents had like a property portfolio with like 10 properties ready to hand them over. They had a BMW the second that they came out, whatever, you know, from their own life. Or I even have friends that had all of that and didn't become monks and didn't even find careers. So I've also got friends that I went to school with

that today don't even have careers, even though their parents were really well established. Which has, all of these examples have continued me to believe that we truly have influence in our, more than our environment. Our environment affects us for sure. It plants seeds and weeds into our life, but there is still a choice.

And I think even if you feel there isn't a choice, simply by accepting that there is, it means you have a chance to get out of there. And I think that's what- Because if you don't accept that there is, then you're just going to stay stuck. Correct. There've been so many times in my life, and there's a beautiful quote from Edison. I don't think I said this last time, but if I did, it's worth repeating. He said that when you believe you've exhausted all options, remember this, you haven't. And the reason why I love that is your mind continuously feels stuck when it's tried the obvious. And that's why a lot of creativity and focus studies say that the first 10 ideas that come to your mind are never the most interesting. It's when you get into the 11th idea that you start breaking the pattern.

And so if someone asks you, oh, what's your best business idea? Your first 10 ideas are probably not that innovative. And so the mind constantly gets stuck on that train and you've got to keep reminding yourself that there is another door. There could be another pathway. I was thinking about a piece of advice that, so one of my closest spiritual mentors who was in London, I knew him since I was probably like 12 and probably since I was 18. He passed away this year from stage four brain cancer. And he'd had brain cancer for about, I think like three, four years now.

And so I hadn't really had a real interaction with him for the past few years because every time I saw him, he wasn't fully functioning in his short-term memory. His long-term memory was there, but his short-term memory wasn't and I remember speaking to him probably about seven eight years ago and asking him the question I said to him you know I've got so many ideas there's so many things I could do where do I start and he said this beautiful thing to me he said you know what your role should be to open up every door possible and he said let the

world close the doors you're not meant to walk through and walk through the ones that remain open ooh and what I realized most of us just not opening up enough doors because we think we only have the option of two doors we look at life is binary zero and one zero and one right it's just this or that and I mean I I think you'd say this too about you and every guest you ever had on. I don't think life is ever this or that. It's like this, that, and that, and maybe that, and that. And there's always a gap.

Of course. The challenge that people have that I've sensed a lot is the fear of criticism when you go after something that you weren't supposed to do or that people don't think you're supposed to do? Why do so many people fear criticism from peers, family, friends, the media? Why is that such a big fear? And how do we overcome criticism from others? Psychologically, we feel a sense of safety and security when we think people agree with us, right? That is just psychologically true that we would rather avoid conflict and sit in a space where we agree and therefore we have something called confirmation bias and the echo chamber

where we keep surrounding ourselves with thoughts and ideas that are similar and reaffirm our beliefs. Now, I think that you can have that and at the same time entertain ideas that you're not sure about yet. And so one of my favorite examples was MIT did this study where they asked people which person

was more creative and innovative. And they showed two charts. One chart was employee A and the other chart was employee B. The chart for employee A, all of the people they knew, knew each other and knew them back. So it was almost like a closed loop. And employee B, they knew lots of people who didn't know each other.

And they found that people who have more people in their network who don't know each other are more likely to be creative and productive. Really? Why is that? Because they expose you to opposing ideas and they may counteract how you think. So one of my favorite examples of this

is a conversation between Mark Zuckerberg and one of his mentors. So Mark Zuckerberg told this story at the Facebook headquarters a few years back. I wasn't there. I've seen it on video. I'm sure it's available. And he talks about how when he was struggling

with the direction of Facebook in 2009, he approached his mentor. And his mentor happened to be Steve Jobs. Wow. Pretty cool. Wow. Pretty cool. I wish.

That's really cool. Yeah, it's so cool, man. And so anyway, so Mark Zuckerberg goes to Steve Jobs and he says, I'm struggling with the direction of Facebook. Remember at that time, Facebook was five years old. There was no fan pages, I don't think. I don't think it was, there was no creators.

I don't think there were fan pages. It was very much used by university students at that stage. I think it was mainly like Ivy Leagues. College kids. College kids. And I don't even think it was international in a massive way. Very early days. And now we can't even think of that.

But 2009, I mean, you know, you just about had the iPhone and just about had Instagram and YouTube. So he went up to Steve Jobs and he said, you know, I'm struggling with the direction of Facebook. What do I do? Now, Steve Jobs at that time obviously was already the founder of one of the biggest brands on the planet. And obviously the brand still is. He had access to investors. he had access to business coaches I'm sure he had access to life coaches he had access to health experts health experts he had access to anything like I don't think there's anyone scientists PhDs I don't think there's anyone in the world who Steve Jobs couldn't have called up at the time and

Steve Jobs said something amazing he said you know what Mark I think you should go and live in an ashram in India. He did not. He did. No way. It's a true story. He goes, and when you go to live in the ashram in India, that's where, if you spend some time there,

that's where you'll find your answer. Shut up. And Mark did it. No way. Mark went to the ashram. It's a true story. For how long? I believe he was there for, I've seen two online.

I've seen two versions of the exact time he was there. I've seen some people said it was a couple of days or a week or some people said it's a month so I think it's it's hazy how much time he actually spent there but but he went and he says that based on that experience that's where he found the direction of Facebook to be connecting people now the reason why I love that story is because it's the unobvious alternative random connection and when Harvard did a study of 3,000 executives they looked at and asked them what's the number one skill for being a good leader and a lot of people would say

communication a lot of people would say vision strategy humility and the number one answer that they got from 3,000 executives was the one word which is called associating. And what that means is the ability to spot patterns where everyone else doesn't see them. And that's the connect that real leaders can spot patterns and connections in anomalies. So most people would be like,

what has an ashram got to do with a tech platform? But that is where youhram got to do with a tech platform right but that is where you expand your mind to find answers that you never expected how important is creating alone time um with noises people busy work to allow your mind to expand is that the only time in that silence i think you mentioned it silence to hear in between the lines yeah is that where we start to hear what we're supposed to be creating where we're supposed to be heading our mission that's yeah i'm really glad you brought that back i wanted to get back to that so when we talk about there's there's a beautiful statement by david lynch

who's movie producer and a deep meditator And he says that prayer is how you talk to God and meditation is how God talks to you. And whether you believe in God or the universe or spirit or divine, whatever it means, the point is that there is a dialogue and a conversation. So prayer is like you're speaking. You're saying, here's what I want. Here's how I feel. Help me.

Help me, yeah. And meditation is more receiving. Receiving, yeah. And so I love that statement because I think it makes it very clear that we have to have a dialogue with the universe. We have to have a dialogue with people in our lives. We have to have a dialogue and there's both giving and receiving. So when I talk about hearing in between the lines, the best example I can give you, Lewis, is let's take a look at you and your relationship and mine and my wife's relationship. One of us is always traveling. Yeah.

So you travel, your partner travels, I travel, my wife travels. Sometimes we're missing each other. Imagine you've got really busy and hectic. Do you think, and anyone listening or watching, you can ask the same question. If you were really busy and hectic and stressed out, do you think your partner feels comfortable to tell you how they feel and get your attention? If I'm busy, stressed out, overwhelmed, would my partner tell me how I feel about themselves or about... Yeah, do you think they would feel confident to be like,

Lewis, I need to tell you something really important? I don't think they would. They wouldn't. They really wouldn't because... They don't want to stress you out more. They don't want to stress you out more. You need to tell you something really important. I don't think they would. They wouldn't. They really wouldn't because- They don't want to stress you out more. They don't want to stress you out more. You're not present, all these things. Exactly, so exactly that.

And so what happens is when you're still, your mind and body actually get to speak to you and give you signals of how they feel. And so when you're still, that's when you notice that ache in your foot that you haven't noticed for a month. Sometimes when you slow down, that's when you notice that ache in your foot that you haven't noticed for a month. Sometimes when you slow down, that's when you get sick because your body wasn't allowing itself to be sick because you were pushing it to get through stuff.

And so just like your partners can't communicate with you until you slow down, your body and mind can't communicate with you until you still. And so there's a beautiful Buddhist teaching that says, what movement does for the body body stillness does for the mind And so when we find that space Stillness and solitude you really are able to hear your deepest desires and challenges Your physical pains and and areas of growth

It's one of the reasons why when people meditate, they feel sleepy afterwards and they think they're doing it wrong, but actually they're doing it right. Meditation just told you you needed more sleep. You needed to rest. Yeah. Meditation was just a signal. So sometimes when I meditate with people that I'm coaching, some of them will be like, oh, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, Jay. I'm just feeling so tired. And I'm like, no. Then sleep and rest. Yeah. That's what your body's telling you because you finally listened. And some people are like, oh, Jay, I feel so energized.

And I'm like, yeah, because you allowed yourself to be in line with your body and now your body's saying that you feel energized. And that's great, you've got that energy. Go work out, go build something. Or you've cleared out those negative thoughts or you've let go of those distractions or that resentment and so you're not feeling this weight

so you feel lighter. Correct. And so that stillness and Silence is one of my favorite ways for you to actually build that Relationship with hearing your inner voice. Is there too much silence? Like if you say okay five hours a day It's is there a tipping point when you're like, okay, I think you do two hours every morning But a lot of people say well, I've only got 20 minutes maybe. Is five hours too much? Is an hour? What is the maximum or minimum or sweet spot you think for people to be silent every day

to live a great life? I think 20 minutes is a great starting point. Because 20 minutes is significant enough time for your mind to switch off. So we hear that studies show that we have 60,000 to 80,000 thoughts a day. And a lot of them are repeated. 80% are negative. I'm guessing a lot of them are repeated. And so if you're only going to say, I'm going to do five minutes, it just takes five minutes to switch off.

Like it takes five minutes to just overcome that noise. And so I'd say that 20 minutes is a good amount of time. And hey, you're not trying. And I think this is the challenge with meditation hey, you're not trying, and I think this is the challenge with meditation mindfulness, you're not trying to empty your mind. You're just trying to be present with it and actually listen to it and experience it. I hope you enjoyed today's episode and it inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full rundown of today's episode with all the important links.

And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me personally, as well as ad-free listening, then make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel exclusively on Apple Podcasts. Share this with a friend on social media and leave us a review on Apple Podcasts as well. Let me know what you enjoyed about this episode in that review. I really love hearing feedback from you and it helps us figure out how we can support and serve you moving forward. And I want to remind you if no one has told you lately that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter. And now it's time to go out there and do something great.