The School of Greatness - 118 How to Become the Person Everyone Wants to Know with Keith Ferrazzi

Episode Date: December 25, 2014

"Greatness is impact and impact is service." - Keith Ferrazzi If you enjoyed this episode, check out the videos and show notes at www.lewishowes.com/118.

This is episode number 118 with New York Times best-selling author Keith Ferrazzi. Welcome to the School of Greatness. My name is Lewis Howes, former pro-athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur. And each week we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin. What is up, everyone? Thank you so much for joining me today on the School of Greatness podcast. I've got my good friend, Keith Barazzi on.

Now for those who don't know who Keith is, he has won a place as one of the top thought leaders in American business. And his first book, Never Eat Alone, redefined the way networking is done today. His number one New York Times bestseller, Who's Got Your Back, focuses on lifeline relationships, a narrow category of deep, trusting peer relationships that disproportionately affect our careers and well-being. He's also been named a global leader of tomorrow by the World Economic Forum, one of the top 40 under 40 business leaders by Crane's Business, and one of the most creative Americans in Who's Really Who.

And I had a chance to host a networking event, really. I guess more of a dinner at his home recently. And it was amazing to witness the power of bringing people together and created such a safe space in his home to have people open up and share things that they don't share to strangers normally. And it was really cool to watch and to be a part of and to experience. So I wanted to dive in with Keith and really understand why he does what he does and understand why it's so important to build valuable relationships and how to cultivate them and how to get to where we want to be by becoming powerful networkers. But Keith talks about it in a way that is really inspiring today on this interview. I got to sit down with him in his office,

and we dive in deep about this topic. So I'm very excited to dive in. I want you guys to take notes on this one because it's got some great information. I'm also going to have a lot of links back on the show notes over at lewishouse.com slash 118. Also, you can watch the full video interview of me and Keith at the show notes back at lewishouse.com slash 118. And we'll also have an additional video, a great little strategy video that Keith does at the end,

a prompt to one at the very end that you're going to want to watch as well. So make sure to check out those show notes. But let's go ahead and dive into this episode with the one and only number one New York Times bestselling author, Keith Ferrazzi. So we're here with Keith Ferrazzi. How's it going, Keith? Lewis, good to see you. Good to see you. Thanks for bringing us to your headquarters here in Los Angeles. Really excited to interview you and learn more about what you're up to and learn just how you've become so successful in the terms of relationship building. And I always tell people that I'm actually grateful that I was a stupid kid growing up,

that I wasn't good in school because it forced me to figure out how to connect with people and share other gifts with people so that I could get to where I want to be in my life. You know, some of the most successful entrepreneurs grew up with learning disabilities because exactly your point is they had to rely on other people. And in order to build their teams, grow their organizations, a lot of dyslexics actually have been great entrepreneurs who learn early on that people are critical to them being successful. Yeah. Were you dyslexic? I'm not. Did you have learning challenges in school?

No. I've got a lot of challenges. Learning was never one of them. I know your challenges. Learning was never one of them. That's cool. So you were like an A-plus student? Yeah, I was.

I was scared to death not to be. Wow. My parents invested so damn much in me, and we were poor as all get out. My dad was unemployed most of my young life. My mom was a cleaning lady. They bent over backwards to make, and I would never defy the work that they put into me to not return a good grade.

Right, wow. But I do have to say that I have struggled, and I was a really independent performer in my athletics. I was a wrestler. I was a pole vaulter, right? I didn't know you did the pole vaults. Oh, did you really? Yeah.

I'm not going to ask you. I was the athlete. I was going to say, I'm not going to vaults. Yeah. Oh, did you really? Yeah, I'm not gonna I'm not gonna ask you What was I'm not gonna ask you what you clear. What did you clear? I'm not even talking we're gonna move Was this high school or college? It was high school. Okay, it's high school Um, I cleared more than my height put it that's good But but my point is that um, I had everything that I teach people I had to learn myself. I Mean this wasn't natural to me. It wasn't forced through, you know, being dyslexic and having to rely on others. And I think that's one of the reasons I've been as good as we have been at our company at translating some of these amorphous

soft skills into real practical, tactical action, because I had to put them to practice myself. Interesting. Now, did you have any mentors growing up as well that supported you with some of these things or was it all like you just... Actually, that's a good question because to me, mentorship is a very misunderstood idea. Most people think of mentors as, you know, let's find a guy like Lewis here who we look up to and would like to aspire to be, and please allow me to learn everything at your feet. That's kind of bullshit. Which doesn't work.

Well, I don't know if it works or not, but the bottom line is you are a mentor. The lunch that we had together, you coming up to my house, what I learned from your podcast, from your work, teaches me something. And if I can't find, I need to find a group of people in my life constantly that I'm learning from. They're my mentors. I don't, I don't try to rest too much weight in any one individual. Our job is to create a set, a roadmap of individuals in our lives

through whom we learn. Right. And, and I just started a new, I was just chatting with you about a second ago. I started a new high-tech mobile enterprise software company, right? And I just started a new, I was just chatting with you about a second ago, I started a new high-tech mobile enterprise software company, right? I am so out of my element, but you know, I'm raising money. I'm hiring individuals. I'm coming up with strategy. I'm building a Salesforce. I'm doing a lot of the stuff I know how to do. A lot of stuff I don't know how to do. I am finding mentors left and right. It's survival. You are. Yeah. So mentorship to me is about relational learning. And if you think about it that way, then you, then you don't have a mentor. You have many mentors around your learning roadmap. What is relational learning? What does that actually mean? Relational learning is just that you, you figure out, all right, what, what

are my goals in life? You've got plenty of goals in your life. And we've talked about these at lunch. I remember that great conversation we had. And then what you do is you assign to your goals, a relationship action plan and a relationship action plan. As I teach in Never Read Alone had to do with who are the individuals that will open up opportunity for me, right? That's great. But then the next question is who are the individuals that'll teach me the stuff I need to do to be successful once I get there and on my way to getting there. That's great, but then the next question is, who are the individuals that'll teach me the stuff I need to do to be successful once I get there and on my way to getting there? That's a distinct relationship map. Do you have the opportunity relationship map? Who's going to get me that job?

Who's going to introduce me to the network that I need? Who's going to help me get clients? Opportunity network. Which is huge. And then the relational learning network is separate, right? And I think both are critical to be curated. Interesting. What's more important, getting the foot in the door or? Yes. Yes. Right. I mean, because if, if you, if you show up as an empty suit without the

intellectual curiosity, without the inquisitive questions, which I learned from those, the learning roadmap individuals, the relational individual roadmap, the answer is yes. I mean, look, I guess I would rather get a shot at the job if I had to choose one or the other. The opportunity roadmap is critical, but I have to tell you, you'll never exceed, you'll never grow. And then the third set of relationships, which we've talked about are the lifelines that actually go one step deeper. It's not about knowledge acquisition. It's about butt kicking accountability. It's that small group of people, those lifeline relationships, as I talk about in Who's Got Your Back, that won't let you fail. Yeah. Right. So for us to achieve anything we want to achieve in our life, we got to have the

opportunity. We got to have the knowledge and the wisdom, but then we have to have the chutzpah, the push, the drive, the accountability that frankly most of us will fail ourselves and need somebody else for butt kicking. Yeah, exactly. And the challenge I see with most people is that they don't have a support group or accountability group or a mastermind or whatever you want to call it. So how does someone first find that and figure out who the right people are that aren't going to suck the energy from them, but are also going to give and take at the same time? Look, it's trial and error. When I wrote Who's Got Your Back, there's a chapter in it that talks

about the long, slow dinner. And, you know, I think by the time we're done here in a short period of time, I want everybody who's watching us to have a relationship action plan. So, you know, as we're sitting here, scribble down your goals and next to every goal, start writing three to five people's names critical to achieving those goals. That's the opportunity group. Then I want you to ask yourself, who to achieve my goal do I wanna learn from?

Write those names down. Then start imagining who are the people that I could trust around four core, there are four core characteristics of a lifeline relationship and frankly, all relationships, but the, but the tightest ones have to have four things. Number one is intimacy to the point of vulnerability. Can I tell you when, you know, I'm really feeling weak? Can I tell you when I'm up against the wall? Intimacy to the point of vulnerability. Second is generosity. Do I really want to help you? And do you really want to help me? Do we care enough to help? Generosity. Candor. Will you tell me the truth? Most intimate, critical relationships lie to each other. And they shouldn't. Candor and conflict avoidance

is horrible. Why do they lie to each other? Because they just don't want to make each other feel bad? Placation. They think that just don't want to make each other feel bad or... They think that that's their role to make each other feel good. Look, I mean, I think a lot of it is the people don't realize that relationships need to be leaned on. The relationships aren't scarce. A lot of people are conflict avoidant out of psychological fear of abandonment. I mean, there's a lot of insecurities and fear that drive our relational

behaviors. And I have to say that conflict avoidance has to be one of the most erosive, erosive elements of organizational and human society, right? So the fourth is accountability, right? But candor and accountability together make a high performing relationship. What I would do is I would list three people that you have a strong enough relationship with now. You and I, frankly, you and I have a perfectly reasonable and strong enough relationship. I call it a level two relationship, right?

Maybe we're bordering on a three, but certainly two to three, and three is a strong relationship. If you wanna go to a lifeline which like in my world a three plus uh-huh what you're going to do is you're going to go out and have a long slow dinner you're going to take your armor off and you're going to say look here's what i want to do here's what i'm afraid of and here's how i think i'm going to get there what do you think and see how the person responds. Do they respond with candor?

Do they respond with intimacy? Do they let their guards down? Do they respond with accountability? At the end of the dinner, are they saying to you, dude, let's talk next week because I think you should do these two or three things, and I'm going to hold you accountable for them, damn it. Now, if after the dinner they don't call you the following week, then maybe they're not the right person to be your lifeline, right?

I know that was a very circuitous way to get to the answer to your question. That's great. Interesting. Now, why is it so many – I love that process. And I think getting to the long, slow dinner is great. But there are so many – let me speak for men. And I'm going to generalize it because not all men are like this. But why are so many men afraid to share what they're afraid of?

And I think it'll be hard for a lot of men to get to that level, especially with another man or another woman. We can talk about the sex issue as well, men versus women, because both stereotypically have challenges associated with accelerating relationships and intimacy. But what I'm hearing from you really quickly is that you've got to get vulnerable to really take the relationship to the next level and get the honesty and feedback you need. The end of the day, vulnerability is fearful because people have all of the characteristics. They think that people are going to use it against them. Yeah. You feel like you're going to be weak. You'll be judged. You know, you're not the alpha in the pack. You're going to be taken advantage of, et cetera. That's all of the, the, the sort of the primal reptilian brain fears and concerns associated with this. Right. In actuality,

we know it's bullshit and it all boils down to cowardice. We're just too damn afraid to let our guards down. We're too damn afraid to be vulnerable. If I were to, you know, talk to your audience about my real life today, I mean, it's like, all right, so, um, you know, I'm going to be, uh, engaged to be married next year, which I'm thrilled about. I've got two boys and these boys are tough, both, both foster kids. Yeah. For their sake, I don't want to share some of the more challenging and both violent and illegal activities that I've been challenged with in the past year associated with their behavior. And the failure that that makes me feel, right?

The angst of how much accountability. You know, if your kid breaks the law law what the hell do you do about that and there's all answers right and I've been my lifelines I've been tapping into them with angst and tears and challenges and you know my my fiance and I are challenged constantly with how do we be good parents yeah in this? It ain't easy, right? My business is going great, but we just launched a brand new business, which of course, draws energy and resources away. And I want to show up for my investors. The first time I've ever taken outside money on something. And so I'm more fearful of letting friends down

whose money I've taken away than I ever have about anything else. This is the shit that I struggle with, right? Now look, these are good problems to have, right? Not my boy's problems, but these are still generally, I'm a blessed man, good problems. But now let me stop. I just did a little exercise. I was authentic, full of it. What do you think when I just said that? What do you think about Farazi as a result of that?

I think authentic, real, someone I can trust, someone who is open, who is willing to drop their guard, and someone who I can have a real conversation with. And now that isn't that you think, what a wimp. No. You didn't think, boy, I don't respect him anymore. We all deal with this stuff. What a wimp. No. You didn't think, boy, I don't respect him anymore. Right? You know, we all deal with this stuff.

Yeah. And the willingness to be transparent purposefully, put yourself out there in an accelerated fashion, only accelerates the relationship. It only accelerates the relationship. And that's what, if that relationship is critical, which it is, look, everything we want to achieve and everything that we would like to have in our life will happen with and through other people. If you don't get damn good at being purposeful about the relationship strategy, which is why we teach the relationship action plan.

And beyond that, if you don't get willing to push the boundaries of your social discomfort, then you will be mediocre. You will just be mediocre. In your life. In your life. You will not achieve what you deserve to achieve. And I don't want people to be mediocre. I want them to have a shot like I did. Yeah. Amen. Amen for that. Now, when I hear you talk about this relationship action plan, some people might, I understand what you're getting to, but some people might think, well, is that a little cheesy or lame?

Or is that fake that you're like reaching out to someone for an action plan to get something that you want? Okay. So when my youngest boy came into our home, he's half Mexican, half African American identifies though as African American. So, um, I wanted to make sure he had good role models in the African-American community. I put together a relationship action plan around my boy. Right.

So I said, I need to get to know I'm poor when I grew up. And he but he's a different kind of poor. He's a different kind of poor, like homeless street poor. Yeah. Right. Drug dealing kind of stuff that he's dealt with, you know kind of poor I reached out to people who had come from inner city homeless

drug dealing Lifestyles who are now Titans of their industries nonprofits, etc I reached out and I said hey listen, I need you at my home for dinner Yeah, you know and I need this relationship. I've done my research on you. I want to introduce you to five people in my network that I think will be of service to you, your foundation, your business, your stuff. But come on over. Listen, at the end of the day, if we don't sync, that's all cool.

But I want to give it a shot. Yeah. What's wrong with it? Why is that purposefulness? Right. Intentionality. Why is that fake? It ain't fake. I put it out there very clearly. Right. Right. So just because you're purposeful doesn't mean you're fake. It means it's important. So, I mean, I think that's what I want your audience

to recognize is that, you know, again, I'll go back to the basic fundamentals. Relationships are going to be critical to your life. If you don't manifest those relationships and work them strategically, proactively, authentically, courageously, you will be mediocre. Welcome to the world of mediocrity. We don't want that for you. Right, exactly. So get off your ass. Put your relationship action plans together. Let your damn guards down.

Accelerate relationships. You don't have much time. Get on it. I like it. You talk about a lot leading with generosity why is it so important to lead first with generosity as opposed to asking because you know a lot of us you know i'm sure you get this can can i pick your brain or can you help me with this people that you don't even know first of all here's the rule of thumb that i learned very early

on and it's not really true but it's what i sort of felt And that is that first rule of a relationship, no one wants one with you. All right. Now, if you make that acceptance from the beginning that, you know, who the hell was I? Poor kid from Pittsburgh. Why did anybody want a relationship? I had to bust my butt to get people to want a relationship with me. I had to work on charisma. I had to work on I had to work on charisma. I had to work on volunteering my time. I had to work on authentic flattery, letting people know how I admired them, make them feel good about themselves with me around. I mean, that's what this young kid had to do. And then I had to go over and say, and by the way, you know, can I show up at your office and work for free on the weekends. Right. You know, anything. Anything. Yeah. You gotta bait the hook. Rodney Dangerfield used to say that, you know, he's like, he was so ugly that his mother used to have to tie a pork chop around his neck

to get the dog to play with it. Right? So I had to realize that early on. What the hell was my pork chop? Any relationship I wanted, I had to make sure that I led with generosity. Wow. Now, once I showed up sure that I led with generosity. Now, once I showed up and I was a great kid and, and, or a great young man or a great old guy, like I am now, you know, then they will judge you based on whether or not they want to be with you.

Now is when you go start letting your guard down, be authentic, care. So intimacy, generosity, candor, and accountability. Intimacy and generosity are the two accelerants of the relationship. You lead with generosity, you follow with care. And I actually work before I meet somebody to think about how will I like this person? Not will I like this person, but how will I? What elements of what they do do I admire? What do I know about them? How will I humanize them in my head so that I'm walking in,

looking in their eyes, and the sparkle is already there. It's like, I like this dude or this gal. I already like them before I see them. And if I psych myself into that, and I walk in with that way, with what I call five packets of generosity, meaning I've researched this individual, and I walk in with that way with what I call five packets of generosity, meaning I've researched this individual and I've identified five things that I think I could do to be helpful, which through the dialogue, I will figure out whether those five ways I can be helpful. Then I'm like high five. And I've now earned the right to build an ongoing relationship, which now means follow up or fail, get back to them, continue to be generous, continue to stay on the radar screen. Something that we could, all these are just chapters in the books.

Sure. Pinging, making sure that I'm constantly staying on the radar screen, top of mind. You get it. Yeah. Yeah. Interesting. Wow. It's hard work.

It is. Right? My question for you, I'm thinking is like, I know your age. I know how long you've been doing this for. I'm almost 50. Right? I know you have dinners every Friday night. I've been to your house.

I've hosted one and you're an incredible host for me to bring my friends. We ought to do another one. I would love to. Yeah, I would love to. And how do you ping thousands of people? You know, high power influencers, great individuals who are all could be great friends to you. So back in the day when I started, it was, you know, on spreadsheets. And me personally, once a year, there was an annual Thanksgiving card.

You know, I don't know if I told you about this. I don't give Christmas cards anymore because it's such a glutted and cluttered time. It's too many. I create my own thanksgiving cards i like that and we send thanksgiving cards to the individuals we want to stay in touch with because it stands out and i i get ceos of major corporations sending me an email saying wow thank you for that thanksgiving card i've never gotten a thanksgiving card before right so um that's an annual outreach one-time ping right that's easy Then what I do is people who are high priority critical individuals to me

I make sure that in the olden days I would just research them, you know Just plug them into a web browser and search their name their company see what's going on and just on a regular basis Once a month I get five ten people whatever it is. Look now I got a system. We help organizations do this So right, you know, many of the CEOs in the fortune 100, my company actually helps them manage the 1000 most important people to the growth of their corporation. So I have a system, I have a team, I have individuals that are just constantly doing this. My whole marketing department is putting our strategy to work. That's all it is.

And so, you know, it's, it takes, it takes money, it takes time today to do it at the scale that we do it at, but yeah, but just start, start sure. You know, 25 names, 25 names. Yeah. And I, you know, I'm constantly going through my phone and just like texting people every once in a while, just saying my little audio note. Now the videos, bathroom use of time, right. Yeah. Right. Right. Sitting there hanging out, just, you know, scrolling through the high priority individuals, sending them a text. Exactly. And I, and I take a while in the bathroom cause I eat a lot. So a little too much. We just went intimate there. Yeah, there we go. There we go. So tell me about this. You talked about you, you see, you see a shrink first off. And can you talk about if you still do

that and also I heard that you do it in the office as well yeah is that still part of the we do so I have seen you know off and on in my life plenty of psychologists psychiatrist that sort of thing I look I've always been a glutton for insight input input, and coaching, right? I had some great coaches early on athletically and the benefit of that. Then I had, as you suggested, I had some great teachers, some great mentors, some great friends constantly giving me real input. And I was always the kind of person that showed up and said, tell me more, critique me more. I want to learn more, right? So now as I'm a successful individual, I want to make sure that I keep growing, keep getting better. So I have found, and it's interesting, I didn't find an individual.

The person I ultimately found, we're behavioralists. We're behavioralists at our company. We don't kind of give a damn why you do what you do. I want to change the way you do one day at a time. I wrote an article in the Harvard Business Review that came out in August of this, uh, 2014 that focused on how behavior change in all of us really follows the system of the 12 steps, whether it's a large corporation or in just our lives, exactly. That's really one day at a, you have to change. Yeah. And it's about showing up and behaving differently today, right? So I have a men's support group that I go to, facilitated by a behavioralist here in Los Angeles. And what we do is every day we have, you know, on the back of my wallet, I could pull it out for you right now, is a list of my defects of character, right?

I could pull it out for you right now, is a list of my defects of character. And those defects of character are things that I'm working on in leadership, in my family, in my personal relationships, etc. Can you list a couple of them off the top of your head? Yeah, absolutely. Big shot-ism is one of them. The idea that when I get insecure, I feel like I don't deserve to be in the room. Big shot-ism. Big shot-ism. Big shot-ism.

I'll say, oh yeah, we're managing the cultural transformation of blah, blah, blah company. I was with so-and-so for dinner the other night. It's like bullshit. It's insecurity. That's the same kind of pure-out behavior I had when I was in college. And yet it's still there for me out of my fear and insecurity of not being worthy. Do you think it'll ever go away? What's that? Do you think it'll ever go away fully? I get it manageable, right? I get it manageable.

So it doesn't, it doesn't control the two of us. I mean, that's actually one of the lesser ones. You know, I tend to be, um, oh no, actually that's not one of the lesser ones. It's right on my list. I tend to be, uh, avoidant sometimes tough conversations. I would rather avoid them a little conflict avoidant. So as a result, I need to be, you sometimes. Tough conversations, I would rather avoid them. A little conflict avoidant. So as a result, I need to be specifically more direct. I've got a bunch of them. Sure.

And I'm happy. Look, I write about them all the time in my book. Of course. So I'm not fearful or afraid of these things. But here's what I do. In the morning, I wake up, I say a prayer, and I look at my list, and I try to imagine scenarios I'm going to be in during the day where these things will come up.

And I make promises to myself of how I'll behave in that situation. During the day, I have a buddy that is not my behavioral coach, but it's actually another buddy of mine, a lifeline, who I will pick up the phone and I will call. We have a commitment to call each other every day. And I'll say, here's how my defects of character are showing up today. And then when I go to bed at night, I say a prayer and I relook at all the places they were, they were present. And I asked myself, who do I owe an apology to as a result of that? Right. And then I start the next day over again. Right. That's kind of diligence

of behavior change. Imagine if the world practiced this, right? I mean, this to me is, and it's, and it's what makes me a better entrepreneur every day. It's what makes me a better spouse every day, which makes me a better father every day. And I, I'm not saying I'm that good. I got a long way to go. We've talked about it. You know, I got a long way to go in every single area of my life. And that's why I have that commitment. Now on the shrink side, you were talking about this behavioral coach. He and I speak every Saturday morning. And in the meantime, my entire company has full license to give him a call and talk and squeal on me if I'm misbehaving about me. Right. So he can kick my ass either privately or not on Saturdays. If I've done anything during the week that I shouldn't

have done. And say, so-and-so wasn't feeling comfortable with what you did. He can share who it is or not share. We have a pretty transparent culture here, very candid culture. So most people will come up and tell me, but I also, if I'm having problem with somebody, I'll bring him in and we'll do couples counseling here in the, in the office. If I'm challenged with somebody and haven't been able to be as direct as I would want to be or and sometimes when I get direct I get I get mean about it because I hold it back so much by the time it comes out it comes out as frustration sure and I don't want that either so this is all the kind of stuff you deal with when you're living up in a screwed up head like mine and yours and everybody else's world so you just got to work it exactly have you done any emotional intelligence type work or yeah i mean we do as a business yeah our company we are um

a research institute of human behavior change in the workplace we specialize in a few key areas we specialize in high performing teams and shifting behaviors for high performing teams all at the very executive senior levels of largest organizations. And we also work with sales forces. Those are the two major areas. So emotional intelligence and understanding specific social styles, all of those things are elements of what we do. We're pretty sophisticated. There's a lady by the name of Annette Templeton, who I brought into the organization over the years ago. She helped develop a lot of the analytics around human intelligence and behavior at the Gallup organization, the strengths movement, all of those things. Annette was formative

of as the CEO of the consulting practice there. Okay, cool. Very cool. And how important do you think emotional intelligence is in building relationships or in being successful in business and life? It's interesting. Emotional intelligence is one thing. It's critical. Your social style is critical. But your relational competency is also a little different, and it's equally as critical.

And what is that? So the relational competency, the way I could most easily phrase it is, are you the kind of individual that creates an environment around yourself that invites people in? Think about that. It's welcoming. And what's going on in your head when I say, what do you do that doesn't invite people in? Big shotism, like we talked about, that doesn't invite people in. Ego.

Ego doesn't invite people in. Being frigid wouldn't invite somebody in. Being judgmental wouldn't invite somebody in. Being standoffish, being aggressive, all those things don't invite someone in. Being frigid wouldn't invite somebody in. Being judgmental wouldn't invite somebody in. Being standoffish, being aggressive, all those things don't invite someone in. So your relational competency is really contingent upon your ability to be that natural person and invite someone in. That doesn't mean that you're gregarious. That doesn't mean you walk into a room and anybody notices you. But it's one of those individuals that you don't quickly forget once they you do get introduced you've met a lot of people out of

successful people who is someone that stands out to you that just was so welcoming like right when you saw them or met them or every time you see them they're just like wow like they're so welcoming and what is it that they do it's interesting you know the ones, everybody always talks about Bill Clinton. I knew you were going to say that. The Dalai Lama is like that. I mean, he just his infectious little giggle and how he sort of walks in and just so calming. But my Aunt Rose, she was a deeply religious person. She made everybody feel good about themselves. Right. I mean, it doesn't have to be somebody famous it's

it's about it's about divorcing yourself from self and from ego and by looking at another person and being curious and by looking at another person and caring about them before you even know who they are some people are hardwired in that brain to be tribal with humanity because what we're talking about when we're talking about building relationships and accelerating them is inviting people into your tribe. When I am at my dinner parties, I create a tribe of those there.

A tribe is an intimate, caring, connected, candid, you know, sense of community. And some people just emanate it, right? And it's a mindset that they have. These are mindsets. But you don't, as they say in 12-step programs, you don't think your way into a new way of acting. You act your way into a new way of thinking. So what I would suggest, if you want to be that kind of person, go practice.

Everything boils down to the practice. Practice with the UPS guy. You know, or the FedEx guy. Sorry if I'm both clients of mine. That, you know, make sure that you create, learn what it's like to let your stupid guard down. Sure. And divorce those defects of character and take risks. Right, right.

What does anybody think about Bill Clinton or the Dalai Lama that they have that other people don't have as much maybe? There's a give a shit there. It's just give a shit. You start with the presumption that I give a shit. Bill Clinton, oddly enough, wants to know what you have to say. There's just a lot of politicians that don't. And his wife, by the way, is extraordinary at this in a one-to-one basis. Hillary is awesome.

She is, and her memory memories is extraordinary I hadn't seen her for years and I saw her recently at a Clinton Global Initiative event she came up to me she gave me a hug she said you know how's Los Angeles no way yeah yeah how's Los Angeles and I you know I told her about the the two foster kids she goes no no no Kelly which is a mutual friend had told us that you had gotten and she and she's like daniel i was like are you you know like seriously oh my goodness amazing now that by the way most of us the reason we don't remember people's names is we don't give a like i guarantee you you walk in to a bar and you see the most extraordinarily beautiful individual that

you've seen in a very long time, you go up and you say hello and they say their name. Guess what? I bet you remember. It was motive, right? I bet you remember because you give a shit. On the other hand, if you go to a conference event and some guy that looks like an accountant walks up to you in a group of people and you're shaking six hands, I promise by the time you get to the third, you won't have forget, you won't have remembered him at the second. And as you know, I'm just using that as an example, but you got to give a shit now in, in, until you do you practice. Yeah. There's another phrase called fake it till you make it. You know, it's like, okay, I got to practice this. I got to

remember, I got to play it over my head again because it matters. My dad would say the sweetest and dearest word in the English language is a person's name actually he stole that from dale carnegie sure but it's a it's it's still a great thought um practice practice practice caring gosh well how does bill clinton and hillary how do they that make that their main focus they care so much about everyone else right yeah it's like they care about profession that's their currency. That's their profession. That's amazing. Wow, okay. A few questions left for you. Tell me about online relationship building versus offline relationship building. And what are we able to do now to accelerate our relationships through online relationship building?

So think of a bullseye. At that center are your lifelines. The next rung out are your A-level priorities, the most critical individuals to your goals and dreams in the next year, right? How many are in the lifelines, like, at a time? Well, it depends. I mean, you know, you could have, I am blessed with this men's group that I go to. It's a Christian group that I probably have, you know, I got 15 people I could have this relationship with. And that's unheard of, right? If you get two or three people, 50% of Americans say that no one has their back, that they have zero lifelines. And of those who say that no one has their back, 60% of them are married. All right. Wow. Crazy, crazy. We wonder why our divorce rate is,

et cetera. It's just crazy. But, you know, coming back back to this idea if you get the center you got that next group but all the way out to the periphery is your online network right that the the people that I follow online to learn from them yeah right that's my learning network I might follow them because I'm curious of what they have to say yeah I read a blog post you know I follow them on Twitter or whatever it happens to be that that's a part of your learning network. That's the same thread that follows through down to the learning lifeline, the person that's in my lifeline, because I really want to learn from them. Right. But it goes a whole way out and all the way back in. You go in the outline, you know, I've got thousands, hundreds of thousands of

people that I interact with in some form or fashion, given my career and my brand and that sort of thing. And, you know, the ability, and there's nothing wrong with having loose ties and loose connections. Because when all of a sudden I want to dial up something that's interesting to me, I shoot it out to the world. And what I get back is a set of responses from individuals. And then I bring them one step. Then I might call them or do a web accident. You bring them into the middle. Well, i don't know all the way to the middle but i bring them closer in based on so they're it's an it's a it's it's an immensely rich

opportunity to nurture a you know a a a field of relationships that you can then draw in and out of but still you got to be generous sure i've got to give back to my community you're just like you're doing with these podcasts yeah and these. You give, you give, you give, you retweet, you follow, you send recommendations on LinkedIn. You practice the same damn rules. Yeah. You just show you care. You show you care. Interesting. Okay. What do you feel like you were born to do? What do you feel like you're here, your real mission is? Like Keith Ferrazzi is supposed to do this in the world. And do you feel like you've scratched the surface in doing it? No.

No, I haven't. I'm still, the more I work on becoming the man I want to be, the more I will unleash what it is I am really here for. And look, my suspicion is the stuff I wanted to be young were wrapped in ego and self and not really grounded in why I was probably put here in the first place. Right. So I think it's a discovery for me to figure out why I'm here. I probably haven't even begun to fulfill any of it in my life is my suspicion. But in the meantime, I love what I've done. And I love the, the, the ability to serve. Look, a legacy is about service and whether you're proud of the legacy with your children, um, proud of the legacy with your company. Um, but for me,

I hope to lead just the biggest damn imprint footprint on the planet relative to service and being of service foster kids this is a this is a very challenging broken space yeah um these kids are really uh hurting and they don't have the relational competencies that we teach the rest of the world they don't trust they can't keep jobs they can't stay in families um so that's an area i don't know if that's going to be the culmination of it. Human rights violations around prejudice and diversity. African-American, having an African-American kid has made me much more sensitive to all rights of prejudice, whether it's minority groups of gay and lesbian. And that's just all of the groups that I have begun to care more and more about.

I don't even know. There's so much work to be done. Uh, just, just keep trying to be of service. Yeah. That's cool. What are you most grateful for this year or recently as well? Uh, my fiance, just my relationship and growing closer and closer in my relationship. And it's interesting, um, as I, I didn't start it by focusing on my family relationships. I started it by wanting to be a better entrepreneur. I'm deepening my relationships at the company and the tools that I grew around myself with some of this accountability with my lifeline group, my entrepreneurial meeting that, you know, that this Christian men's group, it's very entrepreneurial in nature, that that stuff has seeped back into my personal life. And I think what's great thing about what we do, when you're changing human behavior, you're seeping back and forth with the same, it's like what changes I make as a leader or what changes I make at home and at home here, it's really quite a gift. And I know, look, when I was a kid, I wanted to be a preacher.

Wow. And my dad's like, no way was a kid, I wanted to be a preacher. And my dad's like, no way in hell you're going to be a preacher. You know, I'm putting all this money into your education. You're not going to make whatever preachers make. So I now think that I've got my pulpit is five days a week, not one. If I've got people at work, I can change the way people show up. And as leaders, as salespeople, as business professionals, I love that. I love that. And, and, you know, so anyway. Very cool. Final question before I ask you the questions, which is what I ask all my guests, I want to acknowledge you, Keith, for showing up. And, you know you know we met I think four years ago at Summit Series briefly

and then I love those guys. These are amazing and you have I've watched you over the last four years show up in such a positive powerful huge way with a big heart and going to your house welcoming in you just really do care and you know I know how hard it can be sometimes for people who have a lot going on, big companies, big missions. And I acknowledge you. Thank you. For showing up and caring and bringing it down to a human level for the people. And it's really inspiring to see what's possible. So thank you for that.

And the final question is, what's your definition of greatness? I think it's impact. Greatness is impact. And impact is service. And I want to have the most people in the world, whether they acknowledge it or not, whether they even know it was me or not, I want to have the most people in the world

now and after I depart this planet made better because I was here. Very cool. Keith Ferrazzi. Thanks, brother. Thanks a lot. Appreciate it. Thank you. And there you have it, guys. I hope you enjoyed this episode.

And Keith, again, really inspires me of what he's been able to create over the years and how he's built relationships over time as a marathon, not in how can you serve me, but how can I serve you? And coming from a place of value first and giving. It's really inspiring to see what he's created and how he's built his business around relationships, around adding value and connecting others

and supporting others to get what they want and helping people get the information they need. So what I want you guys to do is I want you to send this episode to one friend. I want you to email this to one friend. It's lewishouse.com slash 118. Someone who you think is trying to get to the next level but has been struggling for a couple of years.

You know those one or two friends that you have that is doing the job that they are not happy in because they haven't gotten the raise or they're starting a company, but they haven't seen success yet and they're struggling. They're constantly asking questions. Why is this not working out? Why am I stuck?

I don't know what to do. You know those friends you have. Yeah, those friends. I want you to send an email to those friends and say, hey, check out this interview want you to send an email to those friends and say, Hey, check out this interview with Keith Ferrazzi. It's an awesome interview. Here's the link lewishouse.com slash 118. Tell them to listen to it. Tell them to download on their iPhone or Android and check out this interview. Okay, I think it's really going to empower them to see

what's possible and maybe see what they haven't been doing yet in terms of adding value to others and building those quality relationships. So do that for a friend today. I would appreciate it. And let me know what you guys think over at the blog, lewishouse.com slash 118. Leave a comment on the end. We'll have a question at the very end of the show notes for you guys. So I want you to leave a comment based on that specific question. I just want to tell you guys so much again. Thank you for all you do. I get emails every day from people that listen to the show.

I've been meeting people all over the place lately in LA when I'm walking around. People come up to me saying, I love your podcast. I just started listening to it. Thank you so much. It means a lot to me. You guys don't know how much this means to me because I do this for you. And I want to make sure that I'm serving you and creating a platform with incredible ideas and incredible people to support and serve you. That's my whole mission. So when you come up and you tell me, you know,

thank you for this one episode, I got this one piece of nugget that really, you know, shook me up and made me start thinking a little bit differently. And now I'm taking action on it. That's what I'm excited about. That's what lights me up. That's what keeps me going and keeps me going after the more inspiring and bigger guests and all the people that I can attract in the world to come on this show who are doing incredible things and leading by greatness. So thank you guys for sharing what you love about the show. And please give me feedback on what you would like to see in the future. We've got a lot of great episodes coming up.

This is going to be the biggest year ever for the School of Greatness. And I'm so excited that you're along this journey with me. So thank you guys so much again. One more time. You know what time it is. It's time to go out there and do something great. you