The School of Greatness - 137 The Art of Listening: How to Master Relationships Through Communication with Chris Lee

Episode Date: February 11, 2015

"Sometimes people are communicating a much bigger message by what they're not saying." - Chris Lee If you enjoyed this episode, check out show notes and more at www.lewishowes.com/137.

This is episode number 137 with transformation coach Chris Lee. Welcome to the School of Greatness. My name is Lewis Howes, former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur. And each week we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin. What is up, everyone?

Thank you so much for joining me today on the School of Greatness podcast. We've got one of my closest good friends back on the show, Mr. Chris Lee. That is right. You guys are tweeting at him constantly. I'm seeing your tweets. I'm seeing your messages. You're sending me emails saying, I'm so impacted by the episodes of Chris Lee. When he comes on, it's just mesmerizing.

I listen to them 10 times over and over. I share them with all my friends. So he was back in LA. We had to get him back on. with all my friends. So he was back in LA. We had to get him back on. And we were talking about the art and power of listening and how great leaders meet people where they are at. They don't expect everyone else to meet them where they're at. They are able to listen effectively to everyone's needs, even when they're not saying something and they know how to listen to what people aren't saying when they are saying something.

A little interesting, a little mind-boggling, I understand. But this is all about connecting with people in an extremely powerful way through the art and power of listening. And through this interview, Chris is going to give you some exercises, some homework to see actually how effective of a listener you are. He's also going to ask you to find out if your closest friends and relatives actually think you're a good listener. So he's going to give you some exercises, some homework, some challenges here at the end. But then for about 45 to 60 minutes, he's going to discuss the power of listening, how to listen deeply and intently.

When you're listening to someone, what cues to pick up on, your body positioning when you're listening, all the factors of an effective listener are in this episode. It's going to be extremely powerful hour for you if you decide it to be. So make sure to listen intently, clear out all your distractions so that you can receive the information powerfully. And I'm going to go ahead and take it away and introduce you to the one and only Mr. Chris Lee. Welcome back. Welcome back. Going to the School of Greatness podcast. I am so pumped today because we've got the one, the only Mr. Chris Lee back in the house. What is up, Chris? I am so excited to be here again. I think this is my fourth podcast with you.

Number four. And I keep getting messages and emails and Twitter followers from your following and the feedback is is just beautiful i really appreciate all you guys that shout out to me and give me feedback and even though i may not answer you individually i just want you to know i appreciate that the message is reaching you and i i constantly meet people when i'm traveling and i say what's one of your favorite episodes and they always say that chris lee guy you gotta have him back on so i'm excited we you know my intention got to have him back on. So I'm excited. My intention is to have you on as much as we can because there's so much we could talk about. Absolutely. And we were discussing earlier in the week, what should we talk about this time? And we decided it was going to be about listening,

the power of listening and how listening is actually the key to successful relationships. Listening is actually the key to successful relationships. Listening is the key to successful relationships. It's the key to family, to business, to being an influential leader. Because if you're a boss and you're not listening to your employees or listening to your partners or listening to your client, you're only operating based on your own agenda. And then you're out of a relationship. And listening gives me the ability to be connected to you. And so I can listen to you. And by listening to you, it bridges any gaps. And we all know the key to success in business, relationships, and anything that's important to us is our relationships and our ability to

maintain relationships. Yeah. And I was sitting with our good friend, Caduce, a couple nights ago for dinner. And I said, I'm going to have Chris Lee back on. We're going to talk about listening. What's the one question you would ask? So I thought we'd start with this. Oh, good.

And then you could come back and talk about the principles of listening that you have that we talked about. But since this is on top of my mind, he said, why, since listening is the key to success and being in relationship and everything you just said, how come it's the only part of communication they don't teach us in school? They teach us how to communicate. They teach us how to present. But there's not a class on listening. And there's never a class that anyone takes like, here's how to be a great listener.

I think we missed the boat on that just like we missed the boat on there's no classes on emotional intelligence yeah i mean what class what period is emotional intelligence on not right and even in in the university as a matter of fact i've been invited by umass boston to be a visiting professor to do a class on emotional intelligence. And part of the keys to emotional intelligence is to be able to be a generous listener, which is what we're going to talk about today. And you do a great job with this.

You're so committed to people that you give, it's like your whole energy and body is wanting to hear what they're saying. And you're so intuitive that you can tell, even when they're saying something, you can tell if they're really trying to say something else. And you call it listening to the listening, right? Right. So listening to what's behind people's words. Listening to what's behind people's communication. Because there's two messages, the public one and the private one.

And then when you learn how to read people's private messages, then you become more effective. And that's the goal of anyone who's listening to us right now is to have tools of effectiveness. And that's why I'm so excited to be able to bring to everyone listening to us tools that are going to enhance their effectiveness and their relationships in every aspect of their lives. And part of that is listening. And I even asked you, have you done a podcast on listening? You said no. And so here it is. There we go. So let's talk about the principles of listening first. Let's set the stage and kind of go into the basics or the principles that you have. So I have 10 key principles that have to do with being an effective listener.

And the first tool has nothing to do with the other person. It has to do with me being open. Because if I'm not an open person and if I'm not open to possibilities and I'm not open to that what I believe or what my beliefs are not necessarily always delight the truth in the way, then no matter what message you send me, I'm not going to hear it. So how does someone become open first or what's the steps to becoming open? So one of the ways I could be open is being clear that maybe there are some other points of views other than my point of view that are valid or that I could grow. That admitting that I'm not right doesn't make me weaker, but it makes me stronger in many cases. So I got to give up my ego.

And my ego is a commitment, which is involuntary, like sneezing, to looking good, which we love to look good, to being right, to be in control, and to avoid pain. And so in pain and rejection, so I need to give up my ego. I got to give up being in control, looking good, all for the benefit of my vision. See, what has me be open and what has me be willing to get uncomfortable and get out of my comfort zone is my vision. And then my vision is to be an effective leader, an effective boss, an effective husband, wife, son, daughter, client, you know, empower someone who empowers people that I got to get past my ego. And I always say that the more I think I know, the less I realize I really do know. And so I'm wide open, which is why I'm able to be effective in front of 200 people. I'm in a seminar right now. I have 200

leaders that I am a wide open space and talk about practicing listening. I am a listening. It's not even something that you do. Listening to set the stage is a way of being. So we're talking about listening as a platform of being in your life. You are a listening. And I believe that the first step is to be open. And just because I don't agree with you doesn't mean it's not true. Or just because I don't like what you're saying doesn't mean that I can't listen to you. I could listen to you whether I agree with it or not. Sometimes people don't need your opinion. They just want you to listen. And by listening, I mean, think about it, Lewis. How do you feel when somebody listens to you without judgment? What does that create in you?

It feels like freedom. It feels like seen. It feels heard. It feels accepted, acknowledged. It feels like they care about you, like you're worthy. It feels heard. It feels accepted, acknowledged. It feels like they care about you, like you're worthy. It feels like you're worthy. Think about the feedback you've gotten of your podcast. I listen to you. I listen to your podcast. Your podcast has changed my life. What does that evoke? It's really emotional. It can be very emotional, inspiring. It creates more courage, I would say. It creates more passion to achieve my vision, to do whatever it takes. You know, it gives me more energy.

All those things, all of the above. So that's what people feel when you listen to them. Yeah. That's interesting. So think about that. So those of you listening, do you hear what Lewis is saying? If you want people to have that experience of you, your clients, your husband, your wife, the people that surround you, then you got to be a wide open space for people to communicate and to share. And I believe that

many of our relationships, which will be the next podcast, I promise on relationships, because a lot of people have asked me, what are you going to talk about relationships? So we'll talk about that next time. But many relationships fail because we don't listen to each other because we already think we know what they're going to say or we're not open to what they're going to say or we want to be right about what we think. And then we don't give people the chance to express themselves. And some people get tired of being with people that don't listen. It's exhausting. So think about, now let's talk about how you feel when you're with someone who doesn't listen to you. It's exhausting. It's like they're your enemy.

When someone listens to you, it feels like you're on the same team and you're working on the same goal and they get the vision and they're behind you. Think about a coach. When you've played many sports, a coach that does not care about what you have to say it feels like you're playing against the enemy or it's like they just don't want you to win that they don't care about you that and it's uh for me when i take it when i used to take it in sports when a coach was like constantly negative or not listening or just brushed me off like it didn't matter it was like why am i even? Why am I giving my life to this person, my energy, sacrificing my body in sports, obviously, for this experience of getting treated like crap. And they're not even open.

Not even open. They're so closed-minded. They're right about everything. And you're wrong. And it's their way or the highway. Exactly. And so relationships that are like that don't last because it's like a dictatorship. You're with somebody who is the one who holds

the truth and anything that you say that does not line up with what they think is rejected. So truly the key, and I think this podcast is really important because the key to success in business, in your relationships, in your family is really learning the art of listening. It's an art. It's a way of being. And it leads to unity, transformation, success. Connection. Leads to connection, to extraordinary results. And it's absolutely amazing. So the first element, I would say the first principle is to be open. I love that. Yeah. It's a great first principle. Yeah. It's awesome. So I feel like we could talk about that for an hour. Of course we could. We really want people to register that you really, you know, be open. And I think that's also a principle that's valuable for anything in life.

Be open to possibilities. Trust the process. Be open to that the way you have it, the map you're using doesn't always match the territory. And so if the map you're using doesn't match the territory, you got to be open to new maps. And as a boss that listens to their employees. They feel heard and seen. They'll go above and beyond. They will be more productive, more effective.

They will have your back. A boss who does not listen to their employees, they'll be filled with resentment, with anger. And do you want that energy in your office? No, definitely not. I should ask Sarah if I listen to her enough, but I think she would say I do. So hopefully she's listening to she would say I do. So

hopefully she's listening in the other room. Awesome. So what's the next point? So the second principle in listening is to create the space to listen. How does one create a space? Well, when you have something to communicate, it's important that you be responsible for the environment you want around you so that it's conducive to effective communication. So you're kind of saying like setting the stage. Setting the stage. Setting the environment.

Grounding. So for me, like let's say you would say you want to talk to me about something important. I would say to you, okay, so when can we talk? Let's set the time. And mostly it should be face-to-face. If it's important, if it's something in your mind, yeah. I say that really there's what I call the 70-30% rule. And 70% of communication is not the words.

It's nonverbal. Yeah. Well, it's nonverbal. It's the mood. It's the tone. It's the energy, the feeling, the feeling the body language 30 is what they're saying yeah and so when i have something important to communicate and those of you that have things that are important to communicate one of the biggest mistakes you make is that you text it

a text will never get the full force or the full scope of your message. Because if the energy does not match the words, then something is off. Another mistake people make is they send emails or they leave a voicemail or they do it over the phone. Big mistake. Important information, pertinent information for your business, your relationship, your career, your families. You must do it, I would say, face-to-face. And so face-to-face, that means establish eye contact, be in open body language. Your body language also lets people know if you're listening or not.

Like if your arms are crossed and your legs are crossed and you're leaning back and people are talking to you and you're moving your head around and they're like looking at you, you know, talking to you is like looking for a moving target, trying to hit a moving target, you know, because you're moving around and it's like, well, how do I catch them? So it's very frustrating to the speaker to have somebody who is not really listening to you or listening in a generous way. And so listening generously would be that we would create the stage, the scene, the setting, the environment to where cell phones are off, the TV is off, the door is closed, and there's just me and you. And if I'm going to be generous listening to you, I'm an open body position. That means I'm across my arms, I'm across my legs, and I'm looking right into your eyes. Doesn't mean I have to stare, you know, fixed into someone's eyes because you don't want to freak them out either. It's a dance.

You know, I just kind of look into your eyes and I'm flexible. I can look around, but I'm mostly looking towards you and into your eyes. Yeah. And letting people communicate. Okay. So that's setting the stage and creating the environment so that one can feel heard in the first place and so you can communicate in the first place to be heard. So think about it. Have you ever had to communicate something important and people were doing something else at the same time?

Yes. Do you feel like your message is landing? No. No, because they're focusing on many things at the same time. And so if you're going to be a generous listener, it means that you're going to provide all of your energy, your body, your heart, your body, all of you to the person that's communicating to you. And that feels great. It feels wonderful to be able to communicate to someone that's actually paying attention. You know what I love about working with you, Lewis, is you are an incredible listener. You are somebody who you make people feel like they're the most important person in

the world. And when you are a generous listener listener then that's something that's important that you do which by the way is the next principle so the the third principle I would say is to have the person feel like they are the most important person in the world because they are because they are because they're in your world and they matter to you. And by giving people that attention, that smile, that I'm with you, I'm here, you know, none of this, okay, you have 30 seconds, go, or I'm rushed. Give you two minutes. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And so really having people, you know, setting the stage is important, but also having people feel like they're the most important person in the world. And I think the way, you know, thanks for saying those nice words.

And I, you know, continue to learn to practice becoming a better listener because I think it's a journey. And, you know, I haven't figured it all out. I'm always learning and getting feedback on when I'm messing up or not being an active listener. So, but the one of the things that I learned about that or the way I think I started doing that is because I never felt heard when I was a child growing up. I never felt like I had the friendships I wanted. My parents were so busy trying to just make money for us for kids. And it was like, just trying to get attention so that someone would see that I was alive was, was what I was about growing up. So I was like, I don't want people to feel this way that I felt my whole childhood.

You know, even though I know people loved me and they were there for me and everything, it was like I just felt internally like I need the attention or no one gave it to me. So that's why I think it's important to give people your attention. It doesn't matter who it is, if they're above you or below you or whatever status, to give your full attention. You know, I'm constantly appreciative of everyone who's in service anywhere I go. It may be at the airlines, it may be in a restaurant, it may be the janitor. I'm constantly want to know about them and appreciate them because we're all in service. And it doesn't

matter what level we're at, everyone matters. And I appreciate you for acknowledging that. Well, thank you. And that's part of the value of being a generous listener. And I don't even mean it like in a occasion. I just mean it in terms of a way of being. Like sometimes you don't have the time to sit down in an office or sit down on a couch, but you're talking to the person at the grocery store or you're saying thank you to the cashier or thank you're, you know, saying thank you to the

cashier or thank you to the parking attendant. Just looking them in the eyes. You know, it's just looking people in the eye and just acknowledging them and knowing, letting them know that you listen to them and that you feel them and that they're there and you're validating them. And having people feel like they're the most important person in the world is just being a generous person. You're being a generous person. And I noticed that some people based on hierarchy, they are that way with people that are above them, but people that are below them in terms of money or fame or status. I'll give an example. Today, we ran into across a singer who's a very famous singer. I won't mention her name, we ran into across a singer who's a very famous singer i won't mention her name but it it was interesting because the girl that i was with is also someone who's aspiring to be a singer

and so she went up to the singer said hi you so and so i really admire you can i get a picture with you and i saw the look on her face and the look on her face was like disconnected. Really? Like, okay, let's just get this over with. Let's do whatever here. But she wasn't a listening for my friend. She wasn't listening. She wasn't connected.

She wasn't grateful, gracious. It's kind of like, you know, but I promise you that if Barbra Streisand had gone up to her, she would have been fully attentive. But it's really important that we treat everybody like they are the most important person in the world. And that's something that's very important in generous listening.

Whether it's your mom or your dad or your sister or your brother or whoever that is. You know, really being connected to the person and having them feel like they are important. It's important. And part of what you're saying about needing that, needing to feel heard is not just about being heard. We want to feel validated.

We want to feel like we matter. And when you listen to someone, you have them feel like they matter. I love that. Is that point three or four? Three. Okay. Point four. Point four.

It's important that you listen to the words, what people are saying, that you don't edit them. Because sometimes what we do is we tend to edit people's communication what do you mean by interrupting them by wanting to complete their sentences complete their statements by being impatient you know someone's saying something and you're like well what you really mean to say is or that you know you just we end up interrupting people let me ask you this because i feel like when you just said that i was like man i know in conversations with my friends that i will interject when they're saying something because i get excited and i want to be with them and say it with them so is there a difference is that bad or not so i say bad, but is that not being a good listener or is it okay to match their energy and, you know, express with them while they're talking or is that really interrupting them?

That's interrupting because you're not listening to them because what you're doing is you're planning yourself what you're going to say. Man, I got a lot of work to do. Of course you do. Look, listening is something that we develop every day. I'm still learning to listen and I consider myself an expert, but I'm still taking that on. And one of the things that I do is that since I read people and I'm able to see where they're coming from quickly, I want to jump right to the point and I don't give people the chance to complete their sentences. And especially in a

seminar that I don't have the time, I'm like, okay, stop. So what you mean to say is da, da, da, da, da. But I know that that's a mistake. I need to let people complete their statement. Now, the thing is that when they go on and on and on and on and on, as a coach, it's my job to coach them on how to communicate effectively, which is another conversation. But listening is being, you want to be an open space to let them communicate what they are going to communicate without you editing it, without you planning what you're going to say next or listening in a selective way. Like sometimes people listen to the part of the story they like and then respond to that. Give me an example. Yeah. So I'm, I, you know, I'm saying to you that, uh, my mother and I were having a fight and I was having a hard time with my mom

and I feel sad because she's getting older. She's 86 years old and I'm, I live in fear about something happening to her. And I'm telling you about that, right? And I'm telling you that, you know, my mom and I had a fight and then we went to the mall at the Beverly Center and you interrupt me. I love the Beverly Center. Exactly. Now that's called selfish listening. So you're listening to the part of the story that you like. And so that's not giving me the opportunity to complete my communication. You're not listening to my words. You're just listening to the part of the story that you like. So I think, and I believe that a recommendation I have is to let people communicate, listen to what they're saying, and form a mental picture of what they're describing. So use the power of visualization and put yourself into what they're communicating.

So if I'm talking to you about going to Hawaii, and I'm talking to you about being underneath a waterfall, put yourself in that waterfall and see how it feels. Sounds pretty good. Yeah. Are you feeling it, guys? We're in Hawaii. You're underneath this incredible waterfall,

and there are orchids all around you. And so by forming a mental picture of what it is that I'm communicating or that somebody is communicating, that allows you to be more connected into the story and into the communication. Being a listening. Being a listening. And so that requires for you to be connected to the person. And it also requires empathy. So forming that mental picture is about compassion. It's about empathy. It's about walking in people's shoes, seeing and experiencing through their filters. It's a powerful point. And I feel like each one of these points, we could have a whole show on because I love the way you explain everything and express it.

It's so vivid. It's so good. So we're going to have to do, I think, 10 episodes in total of this. Unlistening. Exactly. But let's move on to point number five. So point number five is connecting to the emotion. So not just the visualization of the experience, not just the

words, but what are the feelings behind the words? So what we would call what is the listening of the listening? So where are people communicating from? And if you're able to tune into people's emotions and feelings and and connect to that that is going to allow you allow the messenger to feel closer to the listener is this the 30 percent then or is it something yeah this was part of the 70 this is part of the 70 no no this part of the 70 percent 70 percent 30 percent is the words 30 percent is the words 70 30% is the words. 70% is the feeling, the emotion, the body language, everything else. Okay. And so part of that 70% is what we're describing. We're not describing the whole 70% with this principle.

We're talking about part of it, which is the feelings about it. Okay. So tell me one more time. What are the feelings? What are some of the feelings you're talking about? So tell me one more time, what are the feelings? What are some of the feelings you're talking about? So maybe somebody is communicating anger or frustration or confusion or sadness or guilt or resentment or anger.

I said anger. It's listening to those emotions. It's being in tune with and connected to those emotions is what you're saying. Correct. Gotcha. Whether they're expressing it non-verbally or it's in their tone or any of those things. Well, you could see it with their hands. You could see that with their body language or it's on the phone. Like, let's say you don't have the chance to, I'm not saying that the only way to be generous listeners to be

in person, you could actually be a generous listener on the phone. A lot of people have the, you know, the, the freedom to be in person in front of everybody, and you could actually be a generous listener over the phone, but you want to listen to the tone. The tone of the voice says a lot, the mood, the pace, the words, the sub-context. What's the underlying conversation that the people are having? You know, it's interesting. My brother made a point like a few years ago. I saw him talking on the phone and he was smiling when he was finishing the conversation. But it wasn't like a happy thing he was just talking about.

He was just smiling to smile. And I go, why are you smiling? You know, and he said, people can tell when you're on the phone the energy that you have. And so I'm always trying to come from a happy place, especially with clients. Well, they could feel your smile. I say that all the time. If you're not smiling, they can tell. They could tell.

And people that are customer and customer service when on the phone, you can tell when you're being rushed. I was on the phone with American Airlines. And I think that the person I was talking to was pissed off. Because, may I help you? Yeah. You know, it was like so, so short. They were not smiling. And I just said, can I ask you a question? Are you okay? What did they reply with? Wow. No one's ever asked me that. Yeah. I just want to know, let's just stop the reservation for a moment. Are you okay? I wanted to say thank you because you spend so much time serving so many people.

And I want to say I hope you're having a good day. And she's like, wow, I'm actually not feeling well. And thanks for, how did you know that? I'm like, well, I picked it up. Yeah. But I addressed what I was listening to. And at the end, she said, thank you. You made my day.

That's right. And you're right. You can pick it up over the phone and that's because you were being open to listening and not just about your own agenda correct and i was connecting to her feelings yeah i was connecting to her feelings so not only was i making a mental picture of what she was saying i was also getting the emotional message that she was sending me and it was pretty toxic at the time. Yeah, of course. It was very heavy, very intense. So listen to the emotions and the feelings behind the words.

Correct. And the body language. Be in tune with it. Be aware of it. Be open to it. And be receptive. Be receptive. Allow them to communicate and be sensitive to people's feelings.

Allow them to communicate and be sensitive to people's feelings. Sometimes people are communicating a much bigger message by what they're not saying than what they are saying. And it's our job as leaders and powerful listeners, generous listeners, to pick up both. What are the words? Yes. What's the picture? Yes. But what's the emotion? What's

the feeling? What's beneath it? Maybe you have an employee that is not happy at the job and he's answering in a very short way, in a very stressed out way, and you're just taking the answer at face value instead of going, hey, I notice that you're upset. What's going on? Or your child or your son or your daughter. A lot of times we don't listen to the signs that people give us that let us know that they're not happy or they're not productive or they're not where they want to be. And an effective coach, an effective listener, an effective leader is able to pick up those signs, whether the sign is of stress, of anger, of frustration, of disappointment. And I believe that as we get more in tune to other people, we become more effective at picking up

those signs. Yeah. And how many times throughout the day do people say, I'm okay, I'm fine, everything's great, when actually something's off? Correct. And then someone who doesn't listen will go, okay, well, have a good day. Or great, oh, I'm so happy you're happy. It's like when I ask people, so how's your marriage?

And they're like, it's great. That's what they're publicly saying, but privately they're saying it sucks. How's your they're publicly saying but probably they're saying it sucks yeah how's your job oh it's good really tell your face tell the tone you know it's like we we say one thing we feel another and that's something that we grew up with we don't validate how we feel why do we do that because we're afraid of what people are going to think. We're afraid of being rejected. It's our ego. We want to look good. We don't want people to reject us. We don't want to be honest. Like saying to someone, I'm having a bad day. I'm sad. I need support is a sign of weakness. And I say it's the opposite. It's a sign of strength to be able to

say, I need your support. That's why I believe so much in coaching and how we all need a coach. And that's why I'm able to coach people. I coach you. I coach a lot of people. And the reason why I do this is because as a coach, I could hear things that the person I'm coaching can't hear because they're in their body. And so it's really getting to what's really going on. I call it the elephant on the table. You're at the dinner table and you know there's something that we're not talking about. Something's off. Something's off, but we're saying pasta gravy. That's someone who's not effective listening. A generous listener would go,

okay, we need to have a conversation. What is it that we're not addressing? And I think that also part of generous listening, and this would be the next principle, is knowing what questions to ask. How do we know which questions to ask? So you want to ask clarifying questions in their communication.

So once they're complete, you want to ask clarifying questions that clarify the message. You want to ask how people feel about what they're saying. You want to ask if there's anything else that they're not saying. So you say, if I express something to you and was telling you something that was off or that was upset about or the elephant on the table, how would you respond? Let me be clear on what you just said, or what do you mean by clarifying? So the questions I would ask after you communicate, and before I repeat back to you the communication, because that's another step, I would first make sure I got clear on what it is

that you're saying. So if the communication is vague, I would ask for more specifics. So if the communication is vague, I would ask for more specifics. So what you're telling me. So let me see if I understand this. Clarify for me what you mean because you just said X and I didn't quite understand it. Or how did you feel in that moment? Or is there anything else that you haven't said to me? So you just want to make sure. The question you asked me.

You want to make sure. Uh-huh. The question that you asked me, I thought it was really good one time, was, is there anything you're avoiding? And I was like, hmm. It opened up like, what am I not saying? Right. So it's making sure that people are done communicating. Because sometimes we withhold.

Sometimes we don't communicate the entire message so basically this step is really making sure that people have completed their communication is there anything else you haven't told me so it's clarifying the message gotcha okay so once you're able to clarify the message then you've got clear what the information is. And then the next step or the next key to generous listening would be to repeat back what you heard. This is so powerful and important, I feel. And I've been learning this through you over the last couple of years a lot, the power of this. And I practice it on a daily basis with my team and my employees. They'll tell me something that's bothering them or that's not working. And I say,

let me be clear what I heard you say. This is what I'm hearing you say. Is there anything else? Or is that not clear? Is that not what I i said and so i practice that based on watching you and hearing you is like let me be clear on this is what i'm hearing you say is there anything else so repeating back what people said so once so so let me be clear the first part of it is having people communicate everything is there anything else clar Clarifying. And then moving into, okay, so here's what I just heard you say. What I just heard you say is, and you want to paraphrase, you want to summarize, you don't have to go word for word, but what I just heard you say is that you had a situation that you're not comfortable with and the outcome was, and just kind of give them a summary of what it is that you just heard somebody say from a simple instruction that

someone might give you or to something even more elaborate, more complicated. And not only repeating back what they said, but also share the emotion you picked up. Why is that important? Because then people feel like you're connected to them. It makes people feel like you care. So let's say you're telling me about a separation with a friend, a falling out, and you're giving me the facts. And I'm asking, is there anything else you haven't told me? Is there anything that you're avoiding by not saying it? Well, I also know that it, you know, I felt guilty about it and I blew it and the friendship is no longer there.

And, you know, like that. And for me to repeat it back to you. So what I just heard you say, Louis, is that you had this situation, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah. And I'm also picking up that you're sad about it and that you feel guilty. And what does that do for people when they hear that? You've picked that up. You open something up for them that maybe they didn't even know. And it gives them power over the situation. So it's almost like they can let it go or they don't need to feel bad about the situation anymore because now they feel heard and understood? Well, it's a part of a clearing process,

and it also gives people the opportunity to validate their feelings. Gotcha. So they're able to see it, experience it, and they're able to validate it. And when you own something, you gain power over it. It gives you the power to let it go, the power to move forward. Part of why we hang on to stuff is that we don't clear it. And by clearing, you mean expressing it. Expressing, communicating, letting it go. I'm really upset, Louis, because of this, this, and this, and this, and this. And for you to cut me off or to interrupt me is going to keep that upset.

Or for you to get defensive and argue back is going to maintain the upset versus is there anything else you haven't said? Is there anything else that you haven't communicated? How do you feel about that? And so many people hold on to something for so long cause they never clear. And for you to go, well I just heard you say is that you're upset with me because of this, this,

this, this, this, this, and that you feel this way, this way, this way. Am I, is that, is that accurate? So check back in. Is that accurate? So that validation is really

powerful and important. And then they're going to go, absolutely, that's how I feel. And then you can move to the next step, which is resolving or honoring whatever the request is, if there's something to honor. So if someone's making a request of you, or if it's an instruction at work, or if it's something that someone needs, or if they need coaching, or they need support, then you could honor that. That I could coach you because now I got all the information, I got the feeling, you feel heard, and I'm able to make a difference for you. Or simply, I could just hear you. Because sometimes the result is they don't want coaching. They don't want a response.

They don't want a response. They just want to be heard. And I think you mentioned this sometime that people just say, you know, they'll come to you and say, I don't want you to say anything. I don't want you to coach me. I just want to be able to say something with you in the room and know that

you're listening. Exactly. Cause that'll make, that'll be a cleaning process for them or that'll help them let go or just feel like you're not, you don't have an agenda to say something in return. And it's important to feel that, like back to the openness, to feel that I'm not going to be judged by what I'm going to tell you. And that I'm just going to be heard. And we're not listening to each other.

We're not listening to our families. We're not listening to our relationships. We're not listening to our husbands, our wives, our bodies. We're not listening to our finances. We're not listening to the world. We're not listening to what's happening because we're disconnected. It's listening to life. It's listening to trends. And the key to success is relationship. And the key to relationships is listening. Okay. What point are we on?

Because you said like two or three right there in a row. Well, I was still on the point of repeating back what the person heard. I'm still on that point of repeating back what the person heard. I'm still in that point of repeating them back with the person heard and being able to communicate clearly and paraphrasing and also letting people know the emotion. And then I moved to the point of honoring the request of whether it's coaching they want or they just want to be heard. And what is it that they are looking for out of the communication what's the result yeah yeah and so the next point in listening that i that i think is important is also identifying the kinds of people that are talking to me and this goes back to a prior episode where we were looking at different quadrants. And so like if I have

somebody who's a controller, then you know that that person is operating from a different set of beliefs and structures and they're looking for a specific thing. Controllers usually, if I'm going to listen to a controller, what they're looking for is to produce the result. They're looking to produce an outcome. And so being able to listen to that person, I'm able to coach that person and I'm able to empower that person. And the way to empower them is to be direct, to be clear, to be able to be clear in your communication about what is it that they are needing in that moment. For example, you have a boss that all they want is for you to reduce the cost or for you to increment or increase sales, then you got to be clear that that's important to that person. And so for you to let them know that you heard them and that you

validated it and that you're ready to produce action and results based on that request, then that's going to create a powerful relationship with the controller. So it's very important to know who you're listening to, to know the person that's speaking to you. And I'll have a link back to the previous episodes, but the one with the four different quadrants of controller, promoter, analyzer, supporter, it's definitely a must listen. If this is the first episode you've ever listened to on the School of Greatness podcast, go listen to that as your second episode because that is just so powerful in being able to understand the different types of personalities

and how to listen to each one like Chris is talking about with a controller right now. Again, if you're listening with ears of a controller with someone who's a supporter. Which I was going to go into then. And if the person's a supporter, then you're going to need to listen from a whole nother place because part of listening is knowing who your audience is

and who it is that's speaking to you. So learning how to read people. So a supporter is coming from or their needs or their desires are to please, to love, to be more loving, to be more, to create unity. And that person needs to be listened to from that place of love and understanding, compassion, and knowing that that's what's motivating them. And when they don't feel that, they feel frustrated. Just like a controller, they feel they're not being effective with the results,

they get frustrated. And so if you've got a supporter, a supporter is a person that comes from this gentle, loving, they put everybody first they love people and they want to you know they will sacrifice for other people yeah and so if you're listening to somebody who's a promoter then you know that what they're what's driving them is they want to have fun they want it to be exciting they want it to be passionate and you got to be able to hear that person from that place to be able to make a difference for them, just like if you hear it. So they feel heard. So they feel heard. Being a listener is just like being a leader, or it's a tool of leadership. And it's like being a leader with the quadrants. A leader with the quadrants needs to navigate through the quadrants to be able to be connected to those quadrants. So obviously part of what is necessary

to be a powerful listener is to know what quadrant that person's operating from so you could hear them. And so if you've got a supporter, you know that the supporter, their quadrant's the love quadrant. Yeah. And you've got to be able to hear that and know that if that's working, then they're happy. And if that's not working, they're not happy. And if you have a promoter, which is the fun quadrant and the passionate quadrant, you know that a promoter has the place they operate from. And you've got to support them and be able to listen to them from that place and obviously the fourth quadrant would be the analyzer and they come from a place of details and structure and organization and if an analyzer feels that that's being threatened then they won't feel like they're listened to they'll feel stressed out and yeah

this is so powerful make sure you go back and listen to that episode so you can understand exactly what chris is saying here because you're going to want to be able to dive into that information so that this all makes sense. But the, you know, I am a promoter. I know Chris is promoter. So we, we listen from and speak from that, that place. So we have to be able to shift also as leaders when we're connecting with other people. And it's really important to take a moment. And I think when you first are grounded, and the first thing is you're being open, then you can listen to and see where that person is coming from to that context. So you got to make sure that when you are listening, you got to be grounded first so that you can know

which quadrant they're in. So I just think that the most important thing or the most important element in terms of listening is to be able to suspend your own conversation, your inner dialogue. What do you mean by that? When you start thinking about what you want to say, suspend that. Well, okay. So do you know how there's always a conversation going on in your head? Yes. So as you move through life and navigate through life, there's always that inner voice. And sometimes that inner voice is louder than any voice that's around you.

So if your inner voice is going a mile a minute and someone's talking to you, you're not going to be able to hear them. So how do you surrender the inner voice? By focusing outward. What you focus towards your body and your mind, everything gravitates towards that. So the nature of thought that what you think about expands. So if I'm thinking about my inner voice, I'm thinking about my agenda and how hungry I am as you're talking to me, then all I'm going to be thinking about are cheeseburgers. And you could be telling me the key to success of my business and I'm thinking about how hungry I am. So I need to acknowledge that voice, acknowledge, okay,

I know I'm hungry. I know that's going on. I can't do anything about it right now. Let me focus out. So by acknowledging whatever is going on with you personally in that moment, then you're able to hear the other person's voice and be connected to them. And it's about showing interest. It's about really showing the other person how important they are to you. And I believe that if you apply these principles in the conversations that you're in, you're going to be able to create deeper conversations. And then people are going to share different things. Sometimes people don't open up to you or to me because they don't feel safe or they'll feel judged or they feel like you're not

interested. And there's nothing worse than speaking to a disinterested audience you know i've been in seminars where people are like yawning and you're looking at the ceiling and they're looking at their watch and you know it's really it's really challenging and what do you do to captivate people or bring them back to the attention well as a speaker that's a whole different set of criterias and things and i and i i read into them and speak into whatever they're thinking. So I'll read to, I'll listen. You don't want to be here. Well, as a speaker, this is a great question.

So as a speaker, I'm listening to my audience, even though they're not saying a word. Why? Because communication is 70% or listening is really 70%, the body language, the mood, the energy, the tone. And so if I'm looking at my audience and I'm going to read my audience listen to my audience and i see that the audience is bored disconnected or or not wanting to be there i get to address the elephant on the table to the entire audience yeah so some of you i can imagine don't want be here. Some of you feel forced to be here. And now they start listening.

And what happens is they start easing up because I'm speaking into their private conversations. And so being an effective listener requires also for you to be an effective speaker. You've got to be able to speak effectively. And to be an effective speaker, you want to speak into people's listening. So by speaking into people's listening, I know it sounds a little complicated. By speaking into people's listening, then I'm able to address and create a connection with my audience. That's why in my seminars, there's a percentage that we measure as to how many people leave

the seminar. I've got the highest retention rate than probably most people do. Yeah, because you're speaking into this. You know that. You've seen how many people go to my seminar, how many people stay. I rarely lose. If I have 200 people, I'll lose five people. Yeah, over five days.

And there are seminar leaders that if they have 200 people, 30 leave. Yeah. And the reason being, I'm not saying I'm better than them. What I'm saying is in the first hour, I'm reading the room and I'm listening. And what am I listening for? They're listening. So I'm keying into what they're listening to. Yeah.

And how they're listening. If they're listening from a defensive place, if they're listening from an open place, if they're listening from a controlling place, if they're listening from a promoter place, if they're listening from an analytical place, where they're listening from. And so by knowing how people are listening to me, then I know how to communicate to them to address it. So listening is not just. You're being open. Right, and I'm wide open. So listening is not just me connecting to your message,

it's also connecting to what you're not saying. I mean, it's almost like a superpower that you have to have as a speaker. If you want to be an effective speaker that has a message land, because you have to have as a speaker if you want to be an effective speaker that has a message land because you have to remember and know what you want to get across verbally and express but you also have to be in tune to what they're listening to yeah and you don't really it doesn't really need to be a superpower you know you could be a business owner and if you are connected to your employees you'll be listening to them.

Yeah, exactly. And listening isn't just about the words they're saying. Yeah. Listen to who is on your team. Listen to who is next to you. Who are you sleeping with? Listen to who they are, not just what they say. And by listening to who people are, then you could communicate to them in an effective way.

And that bridges distances. Yeah. I like that. It's powerful. Yeah. Let me ask you a question that just came up for me. What would be more powerful for a leader to have for them to be able to hear, but not be able to speak or be able to speak and not be able to hear i would say like if you couldn't listen to someone but you could speak or if you couldn't speak but they could hear not speak that would be more powerful that'd be more powerful why is that because more than 70 or if 70 of the message is not to do with the words. So if I'm able to hear you and really register and to be able to generate with my being and my way of being and express even if I don't use words. Physically, yeah, yeah. Because a lot of times we communicate without words.

we communicate without words. And so if I'm the kind of boss or business owner, or if I'm the kind of a husband or wife that I am able to express without words, how I feel and really create connections with my loved ones, then I'm going to have a closer relationship. I think that we should practice that non-verbal communication and non-verbal listening you know just listening without using words and communicating without using words and just picking up cues from each other and then validating it because without words yeah without words you know this is something we could talk about for five hours right it's something that it's just it's something that i mean people do workshops on this we are two-day workshops on this exactly and and you know i just want to stress the importance of people don't care what you know until they know

how much you care that's so true that's so true and if people feel that you listen to them that will increase your business 10 15 20, 20% right off the bat. Your relationships, everything. Everything. Yeah. Listening is truly the key to success in relationships and business. How many more points do we have here? Was that number 10?

I forgot. Was there anything else included with listening, being an effective listener that you want to talk about? I would also say listening to yourself, listening to your heart, listening to your spirit, listening to your vision. Sometimes we pretend not to know things. Sometimes we mask our feelings or we mask our emotions or we mask what we want or we pretend we don't want it or we end up buying into other people's stories or other people's wants. And when we stop listening to ourselves, we become inauthentic. And I really want to communicate the power of listening to

yourself and to be able to address your needs. Because the most important person in your life is you. The source of everything around you is you. And if you're able to truly connect to what your needs are and what's important for you and listen to your heart, listen to your vision, then you're going to have a successful life. I think that's huge because for many years, I was experiencing a lot of frustration and pain and resentment and anger. And it's because I wasn't listening to myself and being honest with myself. So I think that is so huge. And I'm really grateful you said that because I wasn't even thinking that as something you should listen to until you acknowledge that. So make sure you're listening to yourself

because if you're not happy and you're not feeling heard because you're not listening to yourself, then nothing's going to matter or it's going to be a struggle in your communication. And I think also that we need to get feedback about how we show up because a lot of people on this podcast that are listening are probably saying, oh, I'm really a good listener. Maybe you're a good listener based on your perception, but it really doesn't matter if you think you're a good listener, the people around you really don't get to your good listener. So I have a homework assignment for everyone listening to this podcast. Yeah, a challenge.

A challenge. And I want feedback about this challenge. I really want you to take it on. I want you to communicate to five people and ask them, ask five people that are important to you in your life, whether they feel that you're an effective listener and to rate your listening on a scale of one to 10. So 10 is you are an awesome listener. You're the most generous, compassionate, open. You never interrupt. You're always connected to people. You establish eye contact or you show full interest. You're always connected to people. You establish eye contact or you show full interest. You're able to repeat back what you heard, the emotions, and just you're there for them. That would be a 10.

A one would be you're texting and doing your makeup and clicking at the same time that you're listening. And not looking them in the eyes. And you're not connected and you forgot everything they said to you and you're like what can you say that again right right so on a scale of one to ten where people would rate you and ask people that are honest with you find people that you know that they are the first ones not to sell out on you sure and based on that feedback use the feedback to make whatever corrections you need to make. Yeah. And you're not telling people they need to be perfect all the time.

No. Because there's always something happening and we may be in the middle of something and there may be a miscommunication because of whatever. But we're offering tools for people to strive towards. Exactly. You don't need to beat yourself up if you're a six on everyone's radar. No.

But just look at his feedback so you can say, okay, I see what's working, what's not working. And just so you know, the average person's a five. Yeah. So if you got a six,

you're pretty good. If you got six, you're good. But since we're not on this podcast for pretty good, we're on this podcast for extraordinary. And you get to be extraordinary listeners.

Exactly. Well, I want to wrap it up because I know we could talk for three days on this. A couple of questions left. One, this is what I've been asking everyone lately. What are you most grateful for, Chris? I know you've shared this constantly in the last episodes, but what are you most grateful for recently? Recently, I'm grateful for forgiveness.

That's something that's present for me. And forgiveness is getting over being right and being committed to peace. And I was saying that when I forgive, I get my power back. And so I'm grateful for forgiveness, and I invite people to forgive. That's another podcast. The power of forgiveness will be the next one. Yeah, that's huge. Because there's a whole philosophy I have about forgiveness and I'm grateful for that. And I've had an opportunity to let go of

something really big for myself. So I'm grateful to forgiveness. Awesome. I can't wait to hear about that. Two final things. One, first is I get to acknowledge you because I love acknowledging you and thank you for showing up today. Thank you for being here and I acknowledge you for the constant source of valuable experience and wisdom that you always provide for me and for this podcast and for the listeners because you're a gift

and it just means a lot to everyone who comes on. They're so excited that you're back. So I acknowledge you for the wisdom you bring. Thank you so much. Yes. So final question. I think you've answered this four times now. It's what's your definition of greatness?

My definition of greatness is to be able to dream, declare, and deliver. Drop the mic. Chris Lee is back. Thank you so much for coming on, Chris. You're the man. I appreciate you. Thank you. Drop the mic. Chris Lee is back. Thank you so much for coming on, Chris. You're the man. I appreciate you. Thank you. Bye-bye.

There you have it, guys. I hope you enjoyed this episode on the art of listening and how powerful your life will be when you learn to connect with people in an intimate way by listening to them and by listening to what they're not saying specifically. If you go to lewishouse.com slash 137, you can get all

the show notes and links back to this episode, what Chris talked about, the exercises. Again, make sure to check out lewishouse.com slash 137. Please share this with a friend. If you enjoyed this, if you thought it was powerful and impacted you, make sure to email a friend and say, hey, check out this interview on The Art of Listening over at LewisHowes.com slash 137. Also, make sure to tweet at Chris Motivador. We'll have that linked up over on the show notes as well. Chris Motivador is Chris's Twitter.

He's over on Facebook and Instagram also So you can check him out there Make sure you let him know if you enjoyed this episode What you enjoyed the most about this And thank him for coming back on So we can keep getting him back on the School of Greatness podcast Because we've got a lot more to share with him Thank you guys again so much for coming on You know what time it is

It's time to go out there And do something great. សូវាប់បានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបា Bye.