The School of Greatness - 164 10 Steps to Ending a Toxic Relationship with Chris Lee

Episode Date: April 15, 2015

"Are you more committed to your comfort zone or joy?" - Chris Lee If you enjoyed this episode, check out show notes and more at www.lewishowes.com/164.

This is episode number 164 with Chris Lee. Welcome to the School of Greatness. My name is Lewis Howes, former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur. And each week we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin. Welcome everyone to today's episode with the one, the only, Mr. Chris Lee, who's back again

to talk about how to let go and end toxic relationships. Exactly 10 steps that we talk about on how to end relationships that are not serving you, that are toxic, you know, those ones that just nag you, that make you feel uncertain or unsafe or frustrated with or resentful, the ones that never seem to end but you know need to end, whether it be business or intimate relationships or sometimes even family.

That's right. So how does someone let go of these relationships? How does they even start the process? So we talk about those 10 steps. I think you're going to love this one. Make sure to get out a pen and paper. Take down some notes. You may be listening to this multiple times because this is a touchy subject.

This is hard to do. You know, relationships can be messy. They can be a lot of baggage. They can be a lot of history. And sometimes it can be really challenging to let go of them or to readjust them. So we talk about how to do all those things today on this episode. Very excited about this. Without further ado, let's go ahead and dive into this one. I'm super pumped. I love having Chris Lee come back on. He's one of my

favorite people. So let me introduce you again. For those that do not know, welcome to the one and only Chris Lee. Welcome back, everyone, to the School of Great podcast we have the one the only the living legend himself chris lee on the show in the studio chris what is up brother what's up super pumped this is actually episode number five for you is it really episode number five you're the only one who's been on here five times we've had a couple we've had a couple uh people who've been on twice a couple people have on three times but you're the only one i think who's been on four and five times so i have a record i'm excited the record but everyone keeps asking for you to come back when is chris lee coming back we love him we want more of him he's the best i love that not that we're comparing

no no of course but i love that i that, that whatever people are picking up the message and that it's landing for people. And to me, that's important because that's what I do. Yeah. And I would love back at the, the show notes of this. I love you guys. We'll have all the other previous episodes linked up with Chris Lee, but I'd love for you in the comment section there to tell me which one, which episode of these five has been the most impactful for you. So if this is your first one, you can talk about this one. But if you've listened to all five of them, which one has been the biggest impact in your

life? Leave that in the comment section below. That'll be your homework after today's episode. But today's episode is about the 10 steps to end a toxic relationship. I love this topic because I travel the world and one of the biggest issues that i hear in my seminars are people that are in toxic relationships and not knowing how to either identify it or transform it or get out of it right and people stay in them so long i've had so many friends i mean i've been in toxic relationships for a long time you've you've

me in a toxic relationship. Yes, I have. And we all have those friends where we're like, if they just ended the relationship, it's been like they string it on for two or three or four years or some people decades, it seems like. Parents sometimes are in toxic relationships and they feel stuck and they can't get out of it. It could also be a business relationship. Yeah, toxic partnerships, toxic friends. Right. stuck and they can't get out of it um it could also be a business relationship yeah toxic

partnerships toxic friends right toxic family members and what the thing about a toxic person is that they're like vampires what do you mean by that they drain your energy they drain your joy they're people that when you're with them, you feel stressed. And when you leave them, you're exhausted. Can anybody relate to people like that? Exactly. Can anybody relate to that? I mean, I think we all can.

And that's why this podcast is so important for all of you that are going through and have experienced or experiencing being in a toxic relationship. and have experienced or experiencing being in a toxic relationship. And what makes it double toxic or more toxic is that we have a hard time saying goodbye to them. Why is it so hard to say goodbye, even when we know it's not the right fit for us? A couple of reasons. Number one, it's habit. You know how we fall into habits in our lifestyle? Yes. Well, we also fall into habits in terms of our relationships. They become part of our comfort zone. And so these people that are part of our comfort zone become part of our daily reality and our daily routine.

And sometimes it's just very difficult to break away from that. And other times I don't really identify it. I don't realize it because it's so ingrained in me and it's so part of my daily life that I don't realize that the person's toxic. Yeah. And a lot of times, you know, I will feel in the past, I felt like sometimes being in a relationship where there's stressful situations or something constantly comes up where it seems stressful over and over, it leaves like this residual stress for me too. Even when it's resolved or like the person's apologized or it's when we've moved on, it's like you just like,

I feel like I've held onto it for a while still because I know it's toxic in the back of my head or I know it's still not going to go where I need it to go in the future. And it's like there's residual frustration. And also another thing that keeps us in toxic relationships is fear. Fear of being alone or fear of not finding someone like that again. Especially in an intimate relationship. I think that's where we stay stuck the most

because the stories we tell ourselves, which are our limiting beliefs and our limited self-talk, is that I'm better off with than without. Without, I'll be miserable. Not everyone's perfect. We make excuses. They're not that bad. Yeah. It's not that bad. It could be worse.

They're not that bad. Yeah. So it's not that bad. It could be worse. I have to be in a relationship with them because they're my family or I've known them for 25 years. They've been in my life forever. I have a child with this person. I depend on them financially.

That's tough. Very tough. But it gets to a point where we need to make a decision. Are we more committed to our comfort zone than our joy? Are we ready to be committed to our joy and our happiness and our freedom than our comfort zone? I love it. So you got, you know, this is definitely a challenging thing to do. It's a choice point for you.

It's very challenging. You know, this is not something easy. This is not something that people do like, oh, this is like getting a cup of coffee. This is a challenging decision to make because there's a lot of emotions involved on both sides, whether it be intimate, specifically intimate, but business relationships, friends. Friends. Have you had a toxic friend that you had a hard time letting go of? Of course. Yeah. Someone who's been in your life forever, someone who either always borrows money from you, doesn't pay you back, doesn't keep their word to

you, isn't honest with you. You're making up excuses for them. You're bailing them out of a million situations. Have you had that friend? Yeah, of course. Or they just don't add any value to your life. Or don't add value to your life. And they just take. Yeah. So sometimes we don't realize it because we fall on this autopilot with them in this comfort zone. Because we grew up with them or we're family friends and we feel like we have to be friends with them or something. And we have excuses that we hide behind. and at the end of the day those people end up really creating baggage and drama unnecessary drama and really stress yeah you know let's the bottom line i think is stress and the thing with

stress is if you don't manage stress stress will end up managing you. Yeah, exactly. And stress will end up destroying everything. Yeah. And life is stressful enough as it is. Right. You don't need to add more stress to your life by having a toxic vampire next to you. Yeah. And there's a quote, I forget who it's by. Someone said, someone wise and rich or something like that said, show me your friends, I'll show you your future. Yeah, I've heard that as it's uh you know it kind of goes along the lines of your friends like if you're hanging out with toxic dramatic people you're probably gonna have a toxic dramatic business friendships future if you're hanging out with people that empower your greatness you're probably going to achieve greatness in the future and how many times

have we said that on this podcast or you've said that on this podcast or your guests have said that on this podcast that one of the keys to anything is to surround yourself with positive people. That's exactly it. Yeah. And if specifically, if this is someone you're spending a lot of time with,

whether it be an intimate relationship or a business partnership or a friend you're spending with daily or weekly. Investing energy, investing time that you could be investing in what something else your business or another relationship or your dream or your fitness making a difference in people's lives your relationship your career and so it's about cutting that wasted energy it's about interrupting that place where we drain our energy and we live in stress to create a joyful, stress-free environment.

Yes. And hopefully everyone here can relate in some way. You've probably experienced some type of relationship that's been toxic in your life. If you can, just nod while you're listening to this wherever you are. And it could even be your mom, you know? It could be your mom, your dad, your brother, your sister. And then when it's family members, you're like, well, that's my mom. But you need to take responsibility for your life. This doesn't mean always that you need to eliminate them from your life,

but you need to learn how to break free and break out. In some cases, it's eliminate them. Right. In other cases is knowing's knowing how to manage it. Or how to communicate with them and come from a place of responsibility. Wouldn't you say that? And transform it, sure. Right. But when you can't transform it, you need to break from it. Gotcha.

Okay. You need to break away from it. So you've got 10 steps for how to end a toxic relationship, end slash manage slash shift out of a toxic relationship. And or transform. Or transform it. Because there is that option. Gotcha. Yeah.

There is that option. And I think that if it gets to a point where there's no possibility of transforming it, you got to end it. Right. So the first step is to identify if you're in a toxic relationship. You need to be able to identify it. How do you identify that if it's not 100% clear, if you're not like feeling sick every time you talk to this person?

Well, here's some of the factors or symptoms. Number one is you're feeling less than yourself with them. You're feeling less than yourself? Yeah. So you feel like you've got to be someone you're not. So you feel like you're being the inauthentic you and you're agreeing with things that you don't agree with. You're going along with things

that you don't wanna go along with. You're letting yourself be controlled by the other person. Another factor that will have you identify and you'll be able to measure to see if you're in a toxic relationship is that you find yourself draining your life's energy when you're around them. You feel drained. You feel exhausted. And we talked about that earlier, but it's important that we highlight that. You know energetically if someone's adding

or subtracting from you. So this person is draining you and you feel less. Right. Okay. So is that all in identifying it or the other way? It's all identifying it. Okay. Another way of identifying it is that you find yourself giving your power over to them. You feel weak around them. Okay. Another thing.

You don't feel worthy. You don't feel worthy. Another factor is that you ignore your intuition when you're with them. In other words, you don't trust yourself. Also, these people make you feel like you can't do anything right. Everything is about them. It's all me and I. So every conversation ends up in me and I.

Sure. As opposed to we and creating a win-win. Exactly. And another thing or the final thing I would say is you don't feel like you're allowed to grow around them. Like when you're growing and you're accomplishing things, they start attacking you and judging you. Man, I felt that. I've felt that before in a relationship where every time I achieved something like a success or an achievement or got to another level in my business or had something to share a former relationship of mine she would get mad at me and frustrated and kind of like get sad

or and she would bring it back to what she's not doing right and she would like get mad at me for something to try to bring me down to feeling like a level or something right and it was the worst feeling ever it was just like can't you be happy for me for once? Well, what happens is that these people are so empty and they're so insecure that when they see other people accomplishing things and other people growing and other people actually joyful, it upsets them. It's like those people that can't stand to see people happy. people that can't stand to see people happy. And so this person who's in your life is toxic because instead of celebrating your success, they're actually complaining about it. So that's stage one is identifying.

So that's the first step in terms of ending and transforming a toxic relationship is to identify it. Identify it, okay. And what if there's a lot of gray area? What if it's like, well, sometimes I feel like they bring me down like once every couple of months. I feel like they'll attack me, but then they apologize and then they're always supportive the rest of the time.

You know, what if there's like this gray area or what a great question? Cause that leads to the second step. Awesome. What is that? Keep a record. Oh, wow. Like a mental record or like write second step. Awesome. What is that? Keep a record. Oh, wow. Like a mental record or like write it down? No, take notes.

Wow. Take notes. You're in the relationship and take notes. That's really interesting because I almost started doing this in my last relationship because I wanted to like remind her of like, you know, four times last week you attacked me for these reasons. Yeah, keep a record. It's important that you keep a record of all the times that you have felt less than joyful around this person.

Wow. And if you start identifying and seeing that the pages are filling rapidly, it lets you know, because sometimes we forget and sometimes we're so involved in our lives that we don't realize, you know what, that's the fifth time this person has made me feel this way. That's the fifth time this person has broken their word to me or has accused me of something or has attacked me. And so by keeping a journal and keeping a record of this, you have it right in front of you. Now, should you also keep a record of all the things they do well, of them empowering you or acknowledging you, or is it more? Well, we're talking about toxic relationships.

Got you. Yeah. We're talking about the people that are in your life that are draining you and that you suspect that they are. Right. So- They're nine times out of 10 when you accomplish something or if they're attacking you nine times and then they're once saying, oh, nice job, then you want to have that ratio flipped.

Right. You know. Of course. Of course. Yeah. But yeah, that's a good idea too in your relationships. You know, it's really not about keeping score. It's about being aware.

Gotcha. Okay. You know, so that's the whole point of keeping a record. And you would keep a record with people that you, you know what, I feel drained around so-and-so. So then you should keep a record then. Yeah. You start tracking.

Yeah, I'm not talking about all your relationships that you are monitoring their every move. I'm talking about people that in general have you feel that they are taking more than they're giving. Something's off. They're taking more than they're giving. Okay, cool. So this is something that I recommend.

Keep a record. I like that. You like that? I like that a lot because I thought about doing that before, but then I was like, is this lame or is this, would this be weird? But I actually think it's valuable for you personally to identify it so you can look back at it and be like,

here's all the things that happened over and over again over the last couple of weeks. This isn't serving me. Not at all. And this is taking too over again in the last couple of weeks. This isn't serving me. Not at all. And this is taking too much of my energy and my time away. There's no point of being in this relationship. There's no benefit. Exactly.

Yeah. And then from that point, I think you can have a conversation with them and say, listen, you know, I haven't been feeling comfortable. And maybe you could coach me on this. Maybe say, I haven't been feeling comfortable over the last months or the last couple of weeks about the way you've been. The way you talk to me. Yeah, the way I feel around you. The way I feel around you.

And here are the things that have happened over the last couple of weeks. I want to create, you know, I want to bring this to the table because I really want us to transform this. Absolutely. And move this in a different place where we're supporting each other and loving each other, not judging each other. And then ask a request if they're committed to that right exactly and and that would be a way to transform the relationship if you see that there's possibilities in the relationship yes and so you know you know communicating is very important yeah and we'll get to that but i think it's important for you before you even get to that point of

making a request, it's for you to see, am I in a toxic relationship? Because the first two steps really is about identifying. And so you're identifying what are the prices that I'm paying for being in this relationship? What are those prices? And one of the ways to identify the prices is by writing them down. Gotcha. And writing down the times that you feel that you're less than joyful around them. And should you also write down

what it makes you feel each time? Absolutely. The feelings that come up for me. Yeah, the feelings. Here's what happened. Here's how I felt. Feeling manipulated or controlled or less than. You interrupted me in front of my friends

and I felt dismissed. Gotcha. And I felt unworthy. You promised that you would do something, you didn't do it. I felt that I wasn't good enough for you or that I didn't matter to you. Right, right, right.

You know, so it's important to do that. Okay. And I coach so many relationships and one of the key things that people fight over is that those specific things. Gotcha. They feel that they're in a toxic relationship and they don't know how to communicate about it. Okay. So that's first two.

Now the third one is? The third one is to identify the rewards of being in a toxic relationship. Okay. And you might be thinking, what are you talking about? What do you mean the rewards? Well, yes, there are payoffs. There are payoffs for being in a toxic relationship. There's a reward. And really, there's a reward for all of your barriers. There's a reward. If there wasn't a reward, you wouldn't be doing it. So what are some examples of this?

So I feel like I'm powerful because I'm taking care of this person, or I feel at least I'm getting loved, or at least I have company, or I'm not alone, or he's paying the rent, he's paying my lifestyle. How do I give that up? You know, there's a lot of rewards. There's a lot of goodies. Even in that friend that's toxic, you know, he's helpless around me. And I feel powerful. And that I can.

They need me around them. They need me around them. So there's definitely payoffs. Whether it's sex you know hey at least the sex is good right you know even though everything else she's a psychopath but she's you know psycho in life psycho and passionate in bed right you know i've definitely experienced that i'm sure you have that's the worst yeah those psycho girls are usually wild in bed oh my god you know so there's there's a

payoff exactly tell me you have not been in a relationship with a toxic girlfriend be honest with me louis house yes have you ever been in a relationship with a toxic girlfriend that was awesome in bed absolutely and that's the reason that's what like kept me in it so long exactly so passionate i was like am i ever going to find this passion again right in a sexual experience right and the drama and the stress and the draining for the other other times that that wasn't happening was a lot to weigh on me but then we'd always make up and it'd be this incredible passionate thing i have a friend and i won't mention her name because i know she'll be listening to this podcast and she she's been in a relationship, a so-called relationship for the last two years.

She has literally stopped her life waiting for that guy to commit to her. Wow. He has not committed. He's explained, I don't want to be in this relationship, but if you want to hang around. Of course. And she's waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and put her life on hold for this person because no one makes me feel the way he makes me feel. I feel connected. The sex is amazing. So she'll settle for any crumb that she gets from that person. Wow. And her payoff is that a crumb is better than nothing.

Or better than being single or alone. Yeah, better than being nothing, alone. I have nothing without him. Right. You know, so that's her payoff. And so it's important for you to identify what are the payoffs. That's her payoff. And so it's important for you to identify what are the payoffs. And when you identify the payoffs and you compare it to the prices, which is the record

of every single time they hurt you, abandoned you, took from you, drained from you, exhausted you, stressed you out, and you felt devastated, you felt exhausted. You felt what begins to happen by those two things is you realize that the prices outweigh by far the payoff. Yeah. When you start to identify and look at it a lot. Yeah. Okay. So identify the payoff is the third step.

And going to number four. Number four is give up the excuses. So what does that mean? That means realizing that I'm in a story and I'm making it up and I get to give it up. I get to give up the excuse of, well, at least he's giving me crumbs or he's been in my life this long

or it's my mom or it's my dad or it's a family member. I gotta stop justifying for them because what happens, we also come up with excuses for their behavior like they don't know better, they don't have the tools, they're just shy, they're just that way.

And those excuses end up really keeping you in that relationship. Sure. And so it's very important to give up the excuses that you're making up for them. And I think it's, maybe you're going to be talking about this at some point, but I think it's clear to mention that if you don't know specifically what you want in a relationship, then a lot of this probably isn't going to matter. Is that the next point? I love you. You're like, I'm thinking ahead. You are so like, you and I are so in sync. It's amazing. The fourth step in giving up or

transforming a toxic relationship is get clear on your vision for your relationship, which is exactly what you're saying. There you go. You're go you're amazing that's why you know it's great working with you because it's like we we read each other's mind get clear on your vision for your relationship yeah and it doesn't probably if we're talking an intimate relationship you know or any relationship it may not be like this you need to know the vision for where you want this be for the like your the end result like i don't need to get married right now, but I want to have a relationship. No, what I want right now,

my vision for my relationship with my mom is, why don't we do this as an exercise, as a homework? I like this. My vision for my relationship with blank is how I want to feel when I'm with blank is. What blank adds to my life is. what I add to blank's life is. So my vision for my relationship with my mom is a relationship of communication, a love of understanding, a relationship where we spend time with each other, where we respect each other, we listen to each other, where we agree to disagree when we need to.

So my vision for my relationship with my husband is that I have my soulmate or my wife, she's my soulmate, and we respect, we love each other, there's joy, there's passion, there's excitement, my heart is wide open to them. Really get clear on your vision for your relationship. The clearer you are, the easier it is to identify toxic people and behavior because the gap will be obvious. It's easier to end the relationship or transform it because you're not getting what your vision is. So if it's not happening, you're able to take the steps necessary to get there. And that's even true about employees. If you have toxic employees, if you're clear about your vision for the employee that you want, if you're clear on your vision for the company that you want, the environment that you want

around you, whatever is not that environment, whatever is not that or part of that vision will become so obvious because once again, the gap will become obvious to you because if your vision is employees that listen and employees that keep their word, employees that are on time, employees that are in ownership of the company, employees with a positive attitude, employees that are all givers versus takers. And you got an employee who's late or an employee who is not that. It's going to be so obvious because the context, because once again, we're talking about context. What's the context of the relationships you want in your life? And the key to success, people, is relationship. And the clearer you are about the kind of relationships that you want, you will start attracting those relationships.

And what if someone isn't sure exactly what they want? How do they discover that or figure that out? Easy. Figure out what you don't want and think the opposite. There you go. How's that? I don't want to feel like I'm not enough. Okay, so if you want to feel you... Okay, let's take that one. I don't want to feel like I'm not enough. So what do you want? I want to feel like I'm enough.

Okay, what else don't you want? I don't want to feel like I'm not respected. Okay, so what's the opposite of that? I want to feel respected. There's your vision. There you go. Cool. That's an easy way to get people's vision.

I like that. Yeah. So whenever you're not clear, and this is true about anything, whenever you're clear about what you do want, whenever you're not clear about what you do want, think about the five things that you don't want and then flip it. That's a great way to do it. And that's the way to find out what you want. I like it. Okay. So this is number four is to get clear on your vision for what you want in your relationships. Is that number four or number five? on your vision for what you want in your relationships. Is that number four or number five?

Number five. Number five. Okay. So number six. Number six is the conversation. Having the conversation with the person that is toxic. Correct. Okay.

Have the conversation. And the important thing is to create the environment to have it no distractions no cell phones no tv no other people don't text it don't call it this is a one-on-one face-to-face conversation if possible if not then it's over the phone sure or skype or skype but make sure that if it's over the phone that there's nothing else Now, do you set an appointment for this conversation? Or do you, when I'm seeing you, I'm just like, hey, we need to have a conversation right now. No, no, no.

We need to talk. It's very important that we talk. And when can we talk? When will work for you? Gotcha. Here's what works for me when it works for you. Okay, so the conversation and- And having the conversation, it's important a couple things. Number one is that you okay so the conversation and and having the conversation it's important a

couple things number one is that you get to the point quickly as opposed to beating around the bush and and and and really instead of focusing the conversation this is the key point here instead of focusing the conversation on their behavior what's wrong with their problem and you know what they did what they didn't do and you always and my list says this and this which what we'll do is get them defensive and angrier and make them mad yeah focus the conversation on how you're feeling around them so can you give an example lewis I want to talk to you because it's really important. You're important to me, but lately or for the last year, I've been feeling stressed around you.

I've been feeling angry around you. I've been feeling like I don't matter. I'm not important to you. And I want you to know that that's not okay with me. And so it's about really getting to the point about how you're feeling. important to you, and I want you to know that that's not okay with me. And so it's about really getting to the point about how you're feeling. And depending on how they respond to it, then you can have another extended conversation. Because what you would do is you would share how you're feeling and then share what your vision is.

So here's how I'm feeling, and here's my vision for our relationship or a relationship that I want moving forward. Yeah, my vision for relationships in my life are, so don't even make it personal. So my vision for relationships in my life is, my vision for relationships in my life are relationships that empower me, that we empower each other, that we're both giving, that we're joyful around each other,

that there's communication, that we listen both giving, that we're joyful around each other, that there's communication, that we listen to each other, that we keep our word, that we are respectful, et cetera, et cetera. Think of all the ingredients in your vision, share your vision. And also share that you're not going to bail on that, that that's your commitment. And that to you, it's important that you have that in your life. Sure, sure. I like that. And then hear from the other person. How are you feeling? What are you experiencing? What is your vision? And if you see that the other person's getting defensive and getting angry, you need to make it very clear to them, this relationship isn't working for me right you got

to be clear this relationship the way it's been going isn't working for me so and for it to work for me here are the things that are non-negotiable non-negotiable non-negotiable means it is not negotiable for you uh to disrespect me or to yell at me to yell at me that's not it's not negotiable for you to disrespect me. Or to yell at me. To yell at me. It's not negotiable. I will not accept that. Yeah. Yeah.

I won't accept that you keep breaking your word to me. Yeah. My vision is that we do respect each other. My vision is that we do support each other, that we keep our word with each other. So it's very important to have the conversation, that you express how you're feeling, that you express your vision, and that you hear from them, number one, what they're

hearing you say to make sure that what you're communicating is registering. And number two, what you could count on from them. Moving forward, yeah. Yeah. And if they need to clear with you something then be open because you know it may not just be one-sided of course not maybe you're triggering all this toxic energy sure maybe you're the toxic one because maybe they're saying well i've been feeling the same thing about you that's why i react and that's why i'm so defensive exactly disrespect you because i feel you're disrespecting me and so one of the ways to move forward from that is what is your vision for our relationship? I like it. You could have this with your employee. Employee, I want to have a

conversation. I've been feeling lately that you're not appreciating working here, that you're not showing up, you know, and that, you know, people around you aren't getting, you know, your commitment. And my vision for my employees is, and my question to you is what is what what's going on with you is that what you want so it's just about having the communication with the people in your life and being honest and that conversation is probably one of the scariest things for people absolutely it's the one that we don't have ever so how does it's the thing we avoid the most so how does someone completely avoid that we don't have. Ever. So how does, it's the thing we avoid the most. So how does someone- We completely avoid that conversation.

So do you have any tools for people to get the courage to have that conversation? Like anything in life, when the situation becomes unbearable, where the only option is to have that conversation, that's when you're going to have it. Yeah. Okay. You know, it really, it gets to that point where- Yeah, you have to. If you don't move, it's going to stay the same. Yeah. Okay. So the conversation, very powerful thing. What's the next, let's say that you have the conversation and in the case of ending the

relationship, you got to be firm and clear that this relationship is over. So let's say, let's say that in the conversation, so we're also coaching people to end a relationship. That's tough, yeah. Let's say you're at the point where there's nothing else that there's to talk about. There's nothing else to do. Just say, look, here's how I'm feeling. My vision is this. Obviously, you're not on the same page. And so I'm choosing to move on. And this is not working for me anymore. Don't even make it about them. This is not working for me anymore.

And if it's a personal close relationship, then you got to be firm about that. Wow. That's tough. Very tough. But tougher is to continue in a toxic relationship. That's true. That's what you got to think about. It's going to keep you from your greatness in some way.

And know that on the other side of this is freedom. On the other side of this is joy. So in the case of ending the relationship, you've got to be clear and you got to be firm and you got to be to the point. Very cool. So when you get to that point. I like it. So I think the next step is step seven. very cool so when you get to that point i like it so i think the next step is step seven uh step seven is take the opportunity to grieve and mourn the loss okay so the relationship is over a lot of people what they end up doing is stuffing it or they keep talking about that relationship

or they talk with that person again and they keep back and forth, back and forth. Draining. And how many of you have ended a relationship and gone back to that same relationship? I raised my hand. Yeah. That is the biggest mistake because it's not going to be any different. It's tough.

That's for sure. It's not easy. So you got to really be clear that this is the end of the relationship, meaning once it's over stop talk stop talking about it stop talking to people about it stop bringing it up you need to take them out of facebook take them out of twitter take them out of just remove that person from your life remove that energy that's if you're ending the relationship right right okay you know so it's very important so you got to take the opportunity to mourn the loss. And by mourning the loss is by feeling whatever feelings you're having, have a good cry, have a good catharsis.

One of the things that I recommend whenever you want to clear and mourn a loss, if necessary, some relationships to end are not that dramatic. It's just simply letting it go. But for people that have close, like a marriage or a best friend or someone that's very close to you, you've got to mourn the loss. And one of the ways that we can mourn the loss is in your room, just play music, soft music, have a good cry. I have a good cry at least once a week. It keeps me clean. There's nothing wrong with crying. Crying cleanses the soul. It gives you the opportunity to remove guilt and resentment. And so having a good cry is a way to mourn a loss. Maybe talk to a friend, not so much about the relationship, but about how you're feeling and the feelings of emptiness and sadness and loneliness.

That's very therapeutic. If your situation's severe, get a therapist. Get a counselor. Have somebody work you through it. Get a life coach. Life coaches are very powerful tools to have in your life to work through through it. Get a life coach. Life coaches are very powerful tools to have in your life to work through a breakup. I've worked through divorces and separations and all kinds of situations with clients. So that is find a time to grieve.

Find a time, make the time to grieve, make the time to mourn the loss and to let it go. Another way you could let it go is write a journal, like journal your feelings, how you're feeling about that loss and that emptiness. And what other losses does it bring up? Because a lot of times when we have a reaction over a breakup or ending a relationship, it's not so much about that one specific person. It's about all the losses I've had in the past. It's about all the broken relationships in the past. And so use this opportunity to heal, to heal other relationships, you know, because sometimes we feel this deep, deep loneliness when we end a relationship and no one can, no matter who we talk about, they don't understand

us. But I want you to know I understand. I completely understand because what you're mourning about isn't even that boyfriend that you broke up with or that husband you divorced or that best friend who's no longer in your life. or that husband you divorced or that best friend who's no longer in your life. You're mourning about all the other losses that you never cleared because we have the ability to stuff our feelings and to have it build. And so as you're mourning the loss, bring to mind other people that have walked away,

other people that have broken your heart and take advantage, turn this into a blessing, turn it into an opportunity, which leads to point number eight. All right. So what do we have for number eight? So principle number eight is to write down the lessons learned in this. Okay. Take the time to evaluate evaluate given what just happened, given the ending or the transformation of the relationship, what am I learning from this so I don't fall back in the same thing again. Okay. So after you grieve it and go through

that process, you're then writing it down. Yeah. You're writing down the lessons. Gotcha. It's very important to identify lessons in life because definition of insanity, according to Einstein, is repeating the same thing over and over and over, expecting a different result. Dating the same kind of girls, hiring the same kind of employees, surrounding yourself with the same kind of people. You want to create different results. It takes learning from our mistakes. Gotcha. And this principle step is so important

because it has me identify whether it's writing it down or sharing it with a friend, sharing with your friend or sharing with somebody, expressing the lessons learned in this situation. And what do we do with these? Do we keep this somewhere as a record or? Part of your journal. Part of your journal.

Yeah. I recommend people journal anyway, daily. Right. Writing down your feelings, your goals, your experiences. You know, journaling. This is part of journaling. And so I always do that when i when i go through a situation i take the time to write down the lessons learned okay and make sure that those lessons are are with

me and i'm able to learn from them okay now what do we have point number nine number nine point number nine is to fill that emptiness okay Okay. Because we're left with a hole or like a donut. That person filled, even if it's toxic, that person filled a hole. And one of the things is getting involved in activities. Exercising is a great way to move forward and to grieve loss and to fill that hole. Exercising, hobbies, now you have time that you wasted on that person to do other things like accomplish your goals, develop a talent. So many of us don't take the time to develop our talents, whether it's gardening or cooking or salsa lessons.

Learning a new language. Yeah, learning a new language, traveling. Do things on a daily basis that keep you busy. I would also say, I would also add to this, and maybe you're going to have this as your next point, is to find a community of supportive people during these activities. Go to a positive gym or go to workout classes with positive people or find hobbies with people that you are inspired by.

Absolutely. And that is the next point. So fill the hole, you know, make sure that you take the time to, you know, to really fill yourself up with activities that keep you distracted, that keep you focused on just some positive forward-moving things in your life. And point number nine is to surround yourself with positive people, people that are going to forward you in your life, people that are going to support you in what it is that you're up to. And that's important to surround yourself with positive people. Cool. Okay. And the final point? The final point, which is the most important point, self-love.

Mm-hmm. Really see who you are and the gift that you are and that you are valuable, that you are important, that the only thing that you deserve in your life is joy and love and to surround yourself with that and to have that in your life. And that any person or situation that takes away your joy is someone who doesn't deserve to be in your life. And that is the most important point, self-love. Like that song by George Benson, later sung by Whitney Houston, too bad she didn't really apply it, greatest love of all. Your best friend in the world is you. And sometimes we become our worst enemy yeah so really it's about you know at the end of the day it's about self-love and that requires forgiving

yourself this is a lot of people for being in those situations you know how we're the kings and queens of beating ourselves up yes so it's about forgiving ourselves letting go and filling ourselves up with love and and and realizing that we are a gift and we're unique and there's nobody like us and that we get we get to shine shine bright like a diamond thank you rihanna shine bright like a Truly, we are diamonds. And sometimes that diamond gets covered up with coal and dirt and toxic people. So as you remove the people that are toxic in your life, your light shines brighter. So self-worth, self-respect. And I always say that your self-worth relates to what your net worth is. And net worth could be financial,

friends. Net worth can mean a lot of things, but self-worth equals net worth. Wow. So if you could wrap it all up, these 10 things, and I think we might've talked about 11 or 12. We got some of these numbers wrong, but I'll have it all linked up on the show notes. We'll have it all categorized for you guys. But if you could wrap it up, We'll have it all categorized for you guys. But if you could wrap it up, the importance of leaving a toxic relationship or transforming toxic relationship, wrap it up for us. The importance is to identify it, to communicate it, to be clear about your vision and not sell out on it.

Not sell out on what you deserve in your life. That's really the bottom line. You got to love yourself more than you love that toxic relationship. That's a whole nother conversation. That's the next topic. How to love yourself. I love you, but I love me more. Yeah.

You know, and it takes strength and it takes vision and it takes being clear that, you know, on the other side, there's joy. And you know what? There's tons of people in the world. Sometimes we think that that person's the end all. I've had so many friends that this is the love of my life. And then a year later, this is the love of my life. And they can't imagine living without the love of their life. And I think that at the end of the day, it's really about us. It's about a relationship with ourselves. And if we respect ourselves, then we will command respect. I love it.

Yeah. This is amazing. Is this good? This is amazing stuff. I hope everyone enjoys this episode as much as I know I enjoy it. And I feel like this is a very important topic that everyone should listen to, but also refer back to if you ever have a toxic relationship or if you're ever feeling weird in a relationship. Well, it's something that we haven't talked about on the podcast and it's something that I keep hearing over and over and over in my seminars. A lot of misery and a lot of sadness is unnecessary because we're with people that are dead weight.

If you have toxic food in the refrigerator, what happens to the refrigerator? It's moldy and nasty and smelly. You might have to throw out the whole refrigerator. Maybe, yeah. So it's the same thing in our lives. The minute we got toxic people, there's another saying that I'm going to relate it to what you shared earlier about about you know tell me who your friends are and I'll tell you your future yeah there's another saying in Puerto Rico that says tell me who you hang out with and I'll tell you who you are oh boom I'll say it in Spanish snap what is it dime con quien andas y te dire quien eres it always just sounds hotter. It's more passionate.

Yeah, it does. It does. Oh man. There you go. Well, uh, hopefully you guys enjoy this episode.

We'll have a link back here in a second of where to go specifically to get all these 10 or 11 or 12 points. However many we had here, they're 10, 10 points. Yeah. We'll make sure we, we structure it all perfectly.

You guys there and we'll link up where you can connect with Chris make sure to give Chris a shout out over on Twitter was where he mostly hangs out a little bit on Instagram I see you sometimes on Facebook

although you have like three or four profiles there or fan pages for all the people that follow you yeah I've got like three but I got a main one yeah yeah but make sure to

leave a comment about which episode also you enjoyed the most of all Chris's episodes, all number five now. And also what worked for you to end a toxic relationship in your past? What has worked for you? So which one of these points worked for you really well? And maybe what was the most challenging thing for you?

So maybe there's different challenging things for people. So put that in the comment section below of this episode. Chris, there needs to be more Chris Lees in the world. If there were more people like you, the world would be an amazing place. It would be a lot better. You're going to make me cry right now. I'm serious though. I'm feeling vulnerable.

It's all mine. The tears are coming. Wait for it. There it is. But the world needs more of you and that's why we're going to keep having you back. So thank you so much for coming on. As always, I love you. You're incredible.

And we'll talk to you soon. Thank you so much. Thank you. And thanks to all of you for listening. And there you have it, guys. I hope you enjoyed this episode with Chris. Again, big thank you to him for coming back on. I always love having him in the studio and talking about the things that are messy and

how to simplify them to support you in your business, your life, your relationships, your vision, everything that you've got going on. Again, Chris has been a good friend for a while now, and it's always amazed at the things that he teaches me and how he can simplify things for people to take action in their own life. So if you enjoyed this episode, please go to lewishouse.com slash 164 and share this with your friends. Again, the more that you can share this with people, you're going to be serving them as well. So if you feel like someone is in a relationship that isn't supporting them, whether it be an intimate relationship, a family member, maybe they're in a toxic relationship in

their business that they're they don't know how to fire someone or they don't know how to get out of a partnership. If you know anyone, please send them this link lewishouse.com slash 164 and say, hey, you might find this helpful. Make sure to check this out and see if this supports you. You could really impact a lot of people who are dealing with this on a daily basis because I've experienced this myself a number of times and it's hard. It's frustrating. It's painful. But once you clear the space and you can remove yourself from the situation, you can then

move forward and start to heal. So make sure to send people to lewishouse.com slash 164. Share this with your friends. Let me know where you're listening to this in the world over on Instagram at lewishouse. And we'll have everything linked up that we talked about in today's episode back at the show notes at lewishouse.com slash 164, along with more information on how you can connect with Chris and everything he is up to, again, changing the world with all of his workshops that he does leadership courses all over the place. So thank you guys again so much for listening,

for sharing, for promoting, and big thank you to my friend Chris Lee for sharing his wisdom and years of experience on the podcast. Again, lewishowes.com slash one six four. You guys know what time it is. It's time to go out there and do something great. សូវាប់បានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបា Thank you. you