The School of Greatness - 3 Secrets To Building Deep & Meaningful Relationships

Episode Date: February 14, 2025

I'm going on tour! Come see The School of Greatness LIVE in person!Get my new book Make Money Easy here!What if the key to conscious love isn't finding the perfect partner, but mastering yourself first? In this powerful compilation episode, world-renowned experts Jay Shetty, Dr Joe Dispenza, and Esther Perel unpack the fascinating dynamics of conscious relationships, emotional healing, and lasting love. Through vulnerable personal stories and profound insights, they reveal how our approach to love often stems from unhealed trauma rather than conscious choice. Jay Shetty illuminates the critical differences between toxic and conscious love, offering practical wisdom for building healthier relationships. Dr Dispenza shares groundbreaking research on how emotional healing physically transforms our brain and body, while Esther Perel offers a masterclass in maintaining playfulness and curiosity in long-term relationships. Together, these wisdom-keepers illuminate a path to deeper self-awareness and more fulfilling partnerships, making this episode essential listening for anyone seeking to transform their relationship with love.In this episode you will learn:The crucial difference between toxic love (using relationships to serve your needs) and conscious love (taking care of yourself to bring your best to others)How holding onto resentment creates a self-perpetuating cycle that keeps you stuck in past patternsThe four subtle relationship killers most couples don't recognizeWhy playfulness and humor are diagnostic indicators of relationship health and essential tools for healingThe transformative power of forgiveness and how it liberates both yourself and othersFor more information go to https://www.lewishowes.com/1733For more Greatness text PODCAST to [phone]More SOG episodes we think you’ll love:Jay Shetty – greatness.lnk.to/1417SCDr. Joe Dispenza  – greatness.lnk.to/1540SCEsther Perel – greatness.lnk.to/1546SC Get more from Lewis! Pre-order my new book Make Money EasyGet The Greatness Mindset audiobook on SpotifyText Lewis AIYouTubeInstagramWebsiteTiktokFacebookX

There are two big things happening at one time that I've never done before I'm going on a book tour for my new book Make money easy and I'm doing a podcast tour at the same time It is going to be big and I'm going to seven cities in ten days Get your friends get your family bring everyone, you know to these cities. I'm coming to Austin, Texas, New York to these cities. I'm coming to Austin, Texas, New York, Boston. We're going to Nashville. Then we're going to Los Angeles, San Diego, and San Francisco. Make sure to get your tickets right now. Go to LewisHowes.com slash tour. Again, bring everyone you know if you're looking to create more financial freedom and

abundance to your life and you want to see a massive guest live on the School of Greatness show. Get your tickets. I can't wait to see you there. I'm curious, what is the difference between toxic love and conscious love? Because I feel like a lot of people get into relationships based on a wound and it causes you know toxic chemicals that

might feel like love but then they unwind after six months a year or two years and it feels like then it's not conscious love that they got into it from a chemical romance wounded as opposed to conscious healing, integrating that into a relationship. What is the difference between toxic love and conscious love? Toxic love is where both people are working independently to use the relationship to serve their own needs. That's toxic love. And conscious love is where both people independently take care of themselves so they can bring their best self to each other. And where this often goes wrong is that toxic love turns into a competition.

Toxic love now is who's doing more for each other? Who gives more love to each other? Who does more work around the house? You turn the whole thing into a competition, which is not teamwork. And conscious love is not saying you're the selfless one, it's you're making agreements. I think that's the mistake that love was constantly, conscious love was always like, be selfless,

love more than the other person, give more, that's not healthy either. What's healthy is we're actually going to create boundaries, we're actually going to create agreements, we're actually going to create principles, we're going to create rules. The reason why I called the book Eight Rules of Love is my hope that it will inspire other couples to create their own list of rules in their own relationship a

Conscious relationship is one that is built on a foundation of healthy agreements. Yes toxic love is It's interesting when you look at the word toxic as well So toxic love is when your trauma is the oxygen for your relationship to love is when your trauma is the oxygen for your relationship. Right? If you think about the word, like the idea that your trauma is what you're breathing into the relationship.

Right? You're just breathing your trauma into the relationship. So you bring all your baggage, all your insecurities, and you're somehow expecting the other person to inhale it all and then figure out how to respond and react. Whereas a conscious relationship is saying that I have these things. I'm trying to heal them.

I'm going to make my partner aware of what I'm healing because I'm not fully healed and now that they're aware and I'm working on it. We can also work on it together. So I think we've all said this unhealthy idea of conscious love being you're fully healed and then you come.'s like that's not true it's a journey and so but the thing about the journey is are you working on yourself have you communicated to your partner what you're working on so that they can be aware and thirdly have you found a way to get support I had a friend whose partner was

addicted to porn. And they came up to me and they were saying that their partner feels shameful and guilty and wants to work on it. And I said, you have two choices. You can either leave them because you don't believe them and this affects you negatively, which it was, or you can stay with them and support them

through their journey because they want to change. It's not that you're forcing them to change. And they're honest about it, they're coming to you about it. not that you're forcing them to change. And they're honest about it, they're coming to you about it, they're vulnerable. Exactly, they're vulnerable, they're open about it, they're honest about it. And what I found in that scenario was that that person was able to support their partner

and now they have a really healthy relationship. But the thing is that we can't also, a toxic relationship is also when you use someone's trauma against them. So someone's been vulnerable with you about what they're struggling with and now you use it as ammunition in an argument to shoot them down. And so when people are vulnerable with you, when they're honest with you, when they're transparent with you, don't use that against them because basically you're saying to them, don't be honest with me.

And I think that's this really interesting thing. We all say I want someone who's honest. But then when someone says something honest that's uncomfortable, we say no no no I don't want your honesty or I don't like that. And I think you push the other person away. Yes. And so yes if it's really, if they share something that's really not aligned with your values, of course you can leave and move on. But chances are if they're opening up about a journey they're on, it's worth giving it an opportunity to support them if they're serious about it.

I love your definition of toxic love versus conscious love. And when I was hearing you say this, I was thinking that conscious love is also wanting to take emotional responsibility and accountability for emotions as opposed to saying, you made me feel this way. You said this. You didn't do this.

And it made me explode on you. It's having the emotional responsibility to manage it. And if you aren't good at managing it, say, I take full accountability and I'm working on that healing journey. And I think that responsibility and accountability adds to the potential growth for conscious love. I love that. That's such a great point. It's such a great question too because you also realize that we have so many flawed views of conscious love too. Yes.

And so people always think like, oh toxic love, that's the worst. You could actually be doing pseudo conscious love and that's even worse sometimes. What does that mean? Like a spiritual bypass to conscious love? Yeah, or like you're practicing it in a really superficial way. Like it's conscious in the language

and the way you talk about it, but you're doing unhealthy things. Like for example, you could think you're in conscious love, but you can't deal with someone's honesty. You think you're in conscious love, but you can't deal with someone's honesty. You think you're in conscious love, but you don't feel comfortable having uncomfortable conversations. You think, oh yeah, we just talk about good stuff

and everything's positive. Everything's perfect all the time. Everything's perfect all the time. We never argue. Yeah, we never argue. And it's like, well no, it's important to have uncomfortable conversations. And so I find that a lot of couples struggle

with having these uncomfortable conversations. We didn't get into fight styles, but we'll get there whenever you want, because that question was so good. That question was so good, and don't feel, I'm saying this as a friend now, like off camera, in the sense of like, this is so good, bro.

Like, this is an interview that I haven't done with anyone because it's not about the book, and we're getting into it. So it's like, don't feel any pressure to go into the, like, the stuff we're talking about is amazing. yeah i just reiterating as a friend yeah it's so good so what were you gonna say though you were saying something i was i was just saying that this superficial idea of conscious love becomes really practiced as a deeper love so so yeah like we we don't argue uh but we avoid having uncomfortable conversations. Everything's always good, but I often go to sleep at night wondering what they're thinking.

Right? Like that's not conscious because it looks good. It's conscious because you're constantly working on it. I think we're so scared of accepting that something may need fixing because that means it's broken, but it's not broken. There's just parts to relook at. Yes. What are the things that most people don't think are harmful to hurting loving relationships that are actually the most harm? Not like he cheated or she lied to me or he's watching porn or

whatever that is. But what are actually the things that most people think that's not really that big a deal. That actually you do it year after year after year is a big deal breaker in ruining relationships. Maybe it's the little things, maybe it's the you know, whatever might be is there. Yeah, there's a few things I can think of I'd say there's four coming to mind right now. Yep The first one I'd say is the idea of control. I think we're trying to control the other person But it doesn't look like control. It looks like care and that's the interesting thing. It's like it's like manipulative. Correct. Care. Yeah exactly. So control in a relationship can often look like care but deep down

you're doing it because you want to control the other person. Right. So you want to tell them what to wear. You want to tell them how to spend their money and how to invest it. You want to tell them how to live their life and which friends are good for them and which friends are bad for them. Now it's different when that's a conversation from them to you and asking for your advice, but the best thing you can do as a coach, a partner, a guide, a friend is to help someone understand what their goals are. We talk about this all the time. Like, we don't project what I think is a worthy life or a worthy podcast or a worthy home onto what someone else wants

because we all have different values. And so I think we do controlling means I don't want to understand your values and what you believe in. I'm going to project mine onto you because I think they're superior anyway. And I feel more comfortable if that's the case. And it's very subtle, like this is something

you have to really monitor, like, you know, I'll give an example of like, I've always been driven, or at least I've been driven for a lot of my adult life. And one thing I had to be really careful for when I met Radhi was to not project my ambition and drive onto how she lived. And hope that she does the same thing. Correct. Because Radhi's this beautiful, abundant, like, sun energy. Joyful, feminine, flowing.

Flowing. And she's in flow. And that's what makes her beautiful. That's what makes her attractive. It's what makes her special to me and to everyone else who knows her. And if I try and contain that and try and direct it towards what I think it should be, I could potentially make her lose all of that. And so I've seen my role with Radhi as being more protecting and helping her protect that than exploiting it. And I think it's so easy for us to think, well, I'm driven and I'm ambitious and look what I've done.

And so my partner should do that too. And it's like, well maybe they shouldn't. I remember I was speaking to a client, actually no, this was a friend, they weren't a client, I was speaking to a friend and she was saying, oh you know my partner, he's lazy, he doesn't work hard, he doesn't have any ambition. And I said, well if you want someone who has ambition,

is driven and works hard, then he's not your guy. That's basically all it's saying and she was saying no, no, nobody's really kind and loving and thoughtful and I was like, okay Well, which one do you want? And if you want both go out there and look for it But chances are that's tough too or he may not if he's driven he may not have as much time for you That's what it was and that's what she that's exactly what she discovered that she was like I want someone who's driven and present and And I was like, they can be present in the moment, but they're not gonna have as much time available. Or at least not during their season of being driven.

Correct. Maybe in 20, 30 years, it'll change, but you can't expect it to change. Exactly. Okay, so that's number one, the idea of control. Yes. The second one, which again is subtle, and that's why I love your quality of your question,

because it's like, what do we miss, or what do we not see, is comparison. I think we do it without even knowing. I've heard couples literally say oh did you see like where they went for their anniversary trip and there's some passive messaging in there. That's true. And you passing it off like you're really happy for this person but really there's this part of you that's saying we didn didn't do that, or I wish we did that, or why don't you think of stuff like that? And I think passive aggression and comparison,

comparison will make your partner feel, comparison is the number one thing you can do to make your partner feel devalued and unlovable. There is nothing like comparing your partner to another person. Now some people will say, I'm not comparing them, I'm just saying what someone else is doing.

Yeah, but you're pointing out something that we're not doing. Exactly. Which makes me feel like I'm not enough. Exactly, that is the bottom line. That's it. And you do that week after week, year after year, you're like, I'm never enough for this person.

Never. What do I need to do so they start celebrating what we're doing, not what everyone else is doing? Exactly, exactly. And I think that comparing is so unhealthy. Yep, okay. Two more. I think complaining about your partner to your family and other people,

it creates a loop. So if you complain about your partner to your family and other people, it creates a loop. So if you complain about your partner to your family, then your family's gonna check in with you, and then you complain again, and then they check in with you. Now I'm not saying you don't talk to your family about your partner, but there's a difference in saying, hey, we're going through this, and we're going to therapy,

and we're figuring this out, versus, he's so this, she's so that, they're so that. And I find that that complaining that we do, We're in a therapy and we're figuring this out versus he's so this, she's so that, they're so that. And I find that that complaining that we do, it also seeps into what we spot in our partner. We're now looking for them to confirm our complaint. So if we just complained about our partner and said, oh they never do this,

when we go home and they haven't washed the dishes, we're like, oh yes, see I was right. And now we're double triggered rather than talking to them and communicating and saying, hey when I come home from work and I see this, I'm triggered by XYZ, let's talk about this. So complaining. Yep, and that goes back into your third agreement of love.

Yeah. I love that. And the fourth and final one that comes to mind right now is, this one's really tough because I had a friend who was going through this a lot. Whenever he was making progress in something, like let's say he got a promotion, his partner would say to him, I don't know how they promote you, I never see you work. Oh my gosh. It was criticism. Like diminishing them. Diminishing them. So it's criticism. Yeah, it's like

diminishing them about something that they've achieved or missed out on. Or someone saying, oh I didn't get that. Or someone saying, oh, I didn't get that promotion. And you say, well, yeah, I didn't really see you work for it. Right? So there's criticism either way. And I think we do this because we want to be honest with our partners or we want to tell them the truth. We don't want to lie to them.

Or most of the time, it's because we're hard on ourselves. We're criticizing ourselves for not achieving what we wanted and now we project that criticism onto our partner for what they wanted and criticism ends up making someone feel so far away from you. Like criticism increases distance in a relationship. It pushes someone so far away because you've made them feel unworthy, unwanted and not enough. And again, I'm not saying the opposite is praise your partner, tell them really nice things about themselves, but there's a way to communicate about some challenges they're going through. It's not in the moment saying, hey, I didn't get the job.

Oh, yeah, well, better luck next time or oh, it didn't quite work out. And you might say, well, people don't do this. I promise you what I'd love well people don't do this. I promise you, what I'd love for everyone to do with this, I'm gonna set a little challenge. If you're in a relationship, I want you to do an audit or a count of how many of these you do every week about your partner.

So just do it honestly. Honestly, for the next seven days, if you're in a relationship, think about how often you complain, compare, criticize, or try to control, and just keep a count. Now you may get through the week and you only do one, that's amazing, I'm really, really happy. But if you're really self-aware

and you're really questioning yourself, I'd find that even I do a few of these things constantly. And what's even, I think this is a beautiful audit, and probably a lot of people aren't even aware even aware they're doing that's what it is a pattern and an unconscious reaction to seeing something Yeah, and even if you don't do it verbally, I would ask yourself to audit it internally. That's what I'm saying I'm not comparing without even saying it. Maybe I I keep the peace and I don't say what I really think but are you thinking? Yeah, you're scrolling on social media. Yeah. Yeah my comparing and my complaining in my mind Maybe I keep the peace and I don't say what I really think, but are you thinking it?

Yeah, you're scrolling on social media. Yeah, am I comparing, am I complaining in my mind? I wish you would do this, I wish you would do this, but without saying it, that's still like creating this rumination inside of you. I love that audit. We are here talking about eight rules of love, how to find it, how to keep it, and how to let it go.

If you guys haven't got a copy yet, make sure to get 10 copies right now. You mentioned this a little bit before About conscious love and having agreements principles boundaries and rules, which I think is a great thing Most people don't have that they just have assumptions and expectations As goes more into toxic love. Yeah a friend of mine Ryan Holmes told me this years ago when he got married I was like what has made this like a healthy relationship for you? He was like, you know, we created a,

what did he call it? Like a family vision. We created, we actually sat down and we created like a family crest, like a sign, a symbol of what we wanted to mold together to build our family. Something like we used to do in England like 500 years ago.

It's like, and he said, doing that allowed us to get clear on our principles, what we wanted to really step into, how we wanted to serve each other in our communities, our families and the world. I thought that's cool. Is there anything that you have around building kind of like a relationship motto,

crest, vision? Is there anything you talk about around that? Yeah, I talk a lot about how there's three things you've got liking someone's personality, you've got respecting their values, and then you've got a commitment towards helping them get to their goals. Right, so that's my definition of love.

My definition of love is when you like someone's personality, when you respect their values and you're committed to helping them towards their goals. Which means you have to know what your values are and theirs and you have to know what your goals are and theirs. And someone asked me the other day they're about to get married and they said Jay what's your advice and I said do you know your partner's top three values and they struggled I think so yeah and they were saying yeah exactly a very very broad thing yeah and I was like well what does that mean like what's the hierarchy like what's the

order and then I said well do you know your partner's goals for the next 12 months and they struggled again they were like oh I don't know like they're just settling into a new job and I was thinking if you don't know who your partner is and where they're going then how are you meant to be their partner and so to me check-ins about these three things regularly and consistently give you a full vision of who your partner is and where they're heading. That's so good.

Liking their personality is what you said first, right? If you don't like someone's personality, you're going to spend 10,000 meals with them. You better enjoy their personality. Exactly. And that's the study that shows that to make some, and me and you are great friends because of this, by this definition too, and I've really thought about this. So to make someone a casual friend, you should have spent 40 hours with them.

40 hours for a casual friend. If you consider someone a good friend, you have to spend 100 hours with them. And if you consider someone a great friend, you should have spent 200 hours with them. We've definitely spent more than 200 hours together. But that's the question I would ask when you say like their personality,

can you spend 200 present hours together. But that's the question I would ask when you say like their personality, can you spend 200 present hours together? Not just 200 hours watching TV or the movies, present hours. So that's the like the first. With no distractions. With no distractions. You and the other person, I heard this I think it was a year ago

about you're gonna spend 10,000 meals with someone if you're with them forever. Can you sit across the table and have 10,000 meals and enjoy the meals for the most part? So I love this liking personality, respecting values. I think, you know, with Martha I got so clear on my values and communicating it effectively. And she asked me early on, I've told you this before,

she asked me early on, what are your priorities, Louis, question? I don't know, maybe a month into dating. Like what are your real priorities in life, right? That like every man fears answering. And I said, ooh, do I step into courage here or do I shy back to keep it comfortable and not stir the boat?

And I remember saying, well, I wanna be very honest and authentic with you but I don't know if you're gonna like it and I don't know if you're going to want to hang out in this way anymore. She was thinking that I'm going to say something horrible and I was like, do you want me to be fully honest? And she looked at me and she said, yes. I said, are you sure?

Because I've been honest in the past and people don't like it. Are you sure? And she said, yes. Take a deep breath. I'm like, okay, I got to have this courage. don't like it. Yeah. Are you sure? And she said, yes. Take a deep breath. I'm like, okay, I gotta have this courage. Cause I just know that I thought that she wouldn't like what I was about to say.

Yeah. And I said, okay, here are my three main values in order in life. Number one is I value my health and that needs to be like my top priority. Because if I'm sick, I can't do really anything. So I need to take care of health first and you need to support me in making sure

that I use my energy to do that on a consistent basis. You can't pull me away from my health or healthy activities or make me feel bad for going to the gym or whatever it is. Number one. Number two, priority number two is my purpose, my mission. Like in the season of life, the mission that I have right now, and that's being all in, focused on that, and not feeling bad about it, not taking time away from it,

not being resentful of it, any of those things. That's priority number two. And I was like, no woman wants to hear from their man or potential man that they're not their number one or number two priority. And I said, then number three would be my relationship. If we're gonna end up dating together, it would be us. And I said, that doesn't mean you wanna be like,

I would never have time for you. I'm not gonna choose the gym over here. But I need to make sure those first two priorities are set in stone so that I can actually give to you more. So that I can be more present with you, so I can give you fully, abundantly, and we can do all the things you wanna do. You're gonna feel like number one,

but you need to know that number one and two, I have to do these first. So good. And you will feel like the most important person in the world. But if I don't feel healthy, if I'm being pulled away from my purpose and my mission, I'm not gonna be good for you.

And she looked at me and she goes, this is amazing. And she goes, she goes, it's amazing, I love this. And I go, really? Because I'm thinking like, I've experienced, and I've heard other people experience that, if you're not making your woman your number one priority, if you don't put me first over everything, then it's like a stressful experience.

And for me, that goes back into toxic love. And it's not about you aren't my top priority, it's prioritizing health and purpose and service, whether you wanna call it the same level or just above it so that you have the energy to be present to your relationship. At least that's for me what I feel like a man needs to be in their relationship. They gotta be on purpose, right?

And she told me, I love it, because I've never been with a man who had a purpose. They always made me their purpose, and after a while, it doesn't feel good. You're like, go out and do the thing you wanna do in life. I don't care if you wanna serve two people a day, but go do something that you're excited about, not just make it about me.

And so give me your thoughts on this, you know, this idea, this philosophy, if you think that's in alignment with your eight rules of love or if you think that's I'm crazy and I just got a lucky one who just accepts me for that. I love it. So it's really interesting you say you did that because inside my book, Eight Rules of Love, I actually talk about how I gave a client that same exercise. So I asked them to rank their top three priorities in order and I was coaching the couple so the man wrote you

the kids me and She wrote me the kids you He was so upset. Like he was. No, go ahead. No, go ahead. No, go ahead, go ahead.

This is funny because I want to unpack this because I went to Cesar Millan, the Douglasburg, and I took my team to do like a full day leadership training, which you gotta take your team one day. So cool. And he watched. I'm always scared Cesar's gonna give me a dog. That's why I don't go.

I know, right? I'm so scared. And he talks about the dynamics at least in America of married couples where if you if he asked most women what's the priorities in the relationship it's it's like mom, kids, dog, then the husband. This is what he says a lot of women say. It's like the husband is last because they get this unconditional love from the dog, but that's after the kids.

Oh my gosh. And then husband. And he's like, we've got it all backwards. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We need to be, the parents need to be leading the pack together side by side. Yes. Right?

So anyways, I don't want to... No, no, no, I love that. That's a beautiful point. Yeah, so you said he had one thing which was her, the kids and then himself, and she had herself, the kids and then the man. Exactly, exactly. So what happened from that dynamic

and what happens when you enter or in a relationship like that? Well, he was distraught and he was really upset because he was just like, how can I be third on your list? And even more than that, he was actually upset that she put herself first. That's what he was more upset about. He actually wasn't that upset about being third. He was more upset about how are you first for yourself?

How is it not the kids? How is it not the kids? And her response was similar to yours that I want to be present, energized and my best for you and the kids. I don't want to give my leftovers to you and the kids. And I often say this to people like if someone is emotionally and energetically dead, how can they keep you alive? It doesn't make any sense. And so what we have to understand is someone's not being selfish by focusing on themselves

if they're doing it with a selfless spirit. That's the key. So you may meet a man who's not like Lewis and says, yeah, I'm first for me. I'm first. And they're only doing that because they think they're first. There's no, I'm going to take care of myself so I can be better for you. Yes.

That's the spirit you're looking for. So you're looking for someone who's selfish with a selfless spirit. Yes. Not just someone who's selfish. Right. And there's a difference. True. And it could sound like the same thing.

It could even look like the same thing. You could meet someone who says, I'm dedicated to purpose, I'm dedicated to who I am, but it's not anything to do with you. And I think that's the difference. People who prioritize self-care in order to serve, that's the self-care we want in our lives. And so that's what I encourage in people that you should always take care of yourself so you can take care of your partner, so you can take care of your kids. You're not just taking care of yourself just, like it has to go somewhere.

And being lazy about everything else. Exactly. Speaking of priorities, I'm curious your thoughts on what is more triggering and harder to talk about in intimacy which will lead to marriage? Is it around money or how to raise kids? Or are they kind of equal in their triggering?

No, I'd actually say that, this is such a great question, I'd actually say that more of our trauma, because this is what's interesting, right? The honest answer is it depends on what your trauma is, but most people's trauma comes out more strongly in how to raise kids, because now it goes back to how they were raised. And how they felt.

And what they got, what they didn't get, how you were treated. Exactly, so I'd say that raising kids becomes a really tension-filled point for couples, because both either think the way they were raised was great or both had bad experiences and now they're repeating them with the kids or a mix of both.

And so I find that kids are also triggering because now you're getting to see who they love and who they respond to, who they listen to, who they like, who they connect with. Now, of course, kids don't have favorites, especially when they're young, they don't even know. But there definitely is that feeling from an insecure parent that, oh, I do this all for them and they just want to hang out with you or you get the fun side of the kids and

I have to deal with the stress. And I'm not saying none of that's true. I'm just saying that I think raising kids triggers the most amount of trauma. So, and I've seen that. And it's natural because you're now looking at that kid with the lens of what did I not get at that age and I wanna give it to these kids.

And even though that's a beautiful intention, it may not be ideal because you may overcompensate, you may struggle. And what I've realized generally is that with any of this, we're all gonna make mistakes, we're all gonna get things wrong. But I think with our kids, we want to be perfect, and we want to get it perfect because we love them

and we don't want to mess something up. And often it's that recognizing that loving them is more important than perfecting everything around them. And I feel that way with my parents. Like I feel my mom loved me so deeply and truly that despite all the imperfection of my upbringing, her love is what lives inside of me. And that is something that no one's ever going to forget.

Whereas sometimes you can set up the perfect environment around the kids, but if you don't fuel it with love, if you don't fill it with the oxygen of love, they're not going to grow up with that or remember that. Why are so many people holding on to resentment of what someone did in a relationship in their past versus allowing them to find forgiveness and peace about it? Maybe it's not agreeing that it was okay what they did, but why do people hold on to resentment for so long or anger about a past? I think it's because people are afraid it's going to happen to them again.

And when we have a traumatic event, big or small in fact, you're always on the lookout for any signal in the environment, any person or circumstance that's going to be the smallest cue that's going to say, oh, I've done this before. I better get ready for it. So we're in a constant state of bad news, waiting for the worst case scenario. So let me just finish this. Okay. The question really was about self-love.

The person who lives in resentment is making themselves unhappy The person who's judging everybody else and because they're judging their set themselves is making themselves unhappy person who's complaining Blaming making excuses feel sorry for themselves. They're making themselves unhappy. There's nobody doing that to them. You say it's your ex Okay, let's take your ex. Let's put him in a straight jacket and shoot him to the moon. Now what? You're still holding onto it. You're still thinking that way and feeling that way and that person is no longer in your life. You're defined by that story, by that past event. The person is truly sincere and thinks there's something other than that emotion of resentment. What's on the other side of it? Am I willing to sit through it long enough? And no matter how

much the pain is or what my body does, I'm going to sit this one out. I'm going to work with my body and keep bringing it back into the present moment. It's like training metal. You keep doing it over and over again. You stay, you stay, you stay. I'm not getting up. I'm not eating. I'm not moving. We're going to keep lowering the volume. You keep reconditioning the body to a new mind sooner or later. It surrenders. It surrenders to a new mind. When that occurs, there's that liberation of energy and energy moves into the heart. And you feel love for yourself.

You feel a respect for yourself. You feel an honor for yourself. Something you took your power back, you know, you built your field. Something feels right. When we look at. The data of people who do this, and we see their scans, their brain scans, we see their HRV measurements, and they get good at this. We measure their oxytocin levels. Now, oxytocin is the love chemical, right? It's made in the pituitary gland, it is the love chemical causes us to bond, to connect, to unify.

And when I showed the values of oxytocin levels with these people to scientists, they're sometimes 200 times above normal. Now that's not a little love, that's a lot of love. It's an explosion of love. It's a lot of love. And so oxytocin signals nitric oxide and nitric oxide signals another chemical called endothelial derived relaxing factor. And

that chemical causes the arteries in your heart and your lungs to literally open up and blood flows into your heart and your heart is filled with energy. Just like when it engorges the flows into your heart and your heart is filled with energy. Just like when it engorges the sexual organs. There's an engorgement of blood in there and it activates it with energy and there's a mind that's created, it's a consciousness. Now this one opens up, it's a whole different consciousness. In fact, the research on oxytocin shows

that the slightest elevation in oxytocin, it's impossible to hold a grudge. It's impossible. You say, dude, I feel so good. I'm good. No, no, no, I'm good. I'm really good. Now, that kind of state means I don't want to feel anything else but this. So I am not going to compromise myself or my energy to a lower denominator just because of you. In fact, I'm really good around you.

I'm really okay. I feel so good. I don't want to judge you because I don't want to lose this feeling. So then imagine being around a cat like that. Being around a person like that, that's really easy to be around because they're okay with themselves. And when they're okay with themselves, they relate with people differently. In fact, they relate with them unconditionally.

They just love them unconditionally and that causes an attraction, it causes a bond, right? So one of the things I learned last year in watching people in this work and week-long events, I do my best to pay really close attention, looked at an audience one day and I looked out in the room, we've just finished a walking meditation, everybody sat down and I kind of glanced around the room and everybody had this radiant smile. And I said to them, hey, who's making you happy, by the way? Who?

Who's making you happy? There's nobody doing that to you. You're doing that to you. You're making yourself I mean, you're not relying on your anybody in your life to do that. Now, that is an attractive energy. That's the person who relates well with money. There's a relationship with money. They relate well with people. They're very giving, they're very caring, they want nothing in return, they're more present, because that's who they're practicing being.

And so there's a natural affinity and natural attraction because the person is really present and they're really okay and something is different about them. Something is unique about them. So the relationship we have with people when we're in that state where we're really okay with ourselves, or we've made ourselves happy, we're really happy with ourselves, allows us to love just about, we'll find beauty through the lens of love in anything and no one else sees it, right? Getting there is the overcoming process. That is what creates self-love. Now, to be very clear, I think many people, I think I'll include myself, we confuse pleasure with love. And it's not

the same thing. What's the difference? Well, pleasure is doing something that makes you feel good, but has nothing to do with love. Love has everything to do with something that you feel independent of pleasure. When you overcome yourself and you arrive at your goal, you reach your dream, you never give up on yourself, you had hard moments, you fell to your knees,

you brushed yourself up, you got up, you showed up again for yourself. It's amazing to watch this. I watch it a week long events. I watch people literally change in seven days and they showed up when they said, I'm too tired. I have a handicap, I have a disease. I don't understand how rough my past is.

I'm an addict. I was in jail. My mother was abusive. They showed up in spite of I'm too old. I have whatever that is They you keep showing up for yourself. You start feeling really worthy Really worthy to receive and the universe only gives us what we think we're worthy of receiving right? So so in when you're in love you're in a whole lot less lack and if you're in a whole lot less lack in a whole lot less lack. And if you're in a whole lot less lack, in a sense, you're moving closer to source.

And that's a really good feeling. That's a really good feeling. So practice that every day. Practice that every day in your relationships with people, your relationship with your body, your relationship with money, your relationship with your body, your relationship with money, your relationship with your phone, your relationship with your car, your relationship with everything would be different. Yes.

And so, so the overcoming process is the becoming process. You make yourself happy. You no longer need anybody to do that for you. You have a person in your life who is conscious that wants to make themselves happy and share their joy and their love with somebody. Yes. Well, you have something really unique. It's really special. Love is a very bonding chemical.

It's a very bonding chemical. It's a very bonding energy, right? Like if you look at oxytocin levels and mammals You typically see it when the female has just given birth and she's grooming the offspring and she's touching it and licking it and nudging it and Taking care of it. There's oxytocin levels are released through the limbic brain, through the midbrain, that's the bonding brain, they're smelling, they're connecting, and they're attracting one another, it's creating a connection. Honeymoon stage relationship, where there's a lot of intense connection, a lot of intimacy, releases oxytocin, creates monogamy, it creates a bond, it creates unity, it creates connection,

right? So show the values to our, some of the scientists and some of my colleagues and they see oxytocin levels 200 times, no more they're like, dude, what are you doing? Like, what is going on? Is it couples week? What is going on here?

And I say, you know, I say the same thing, I say, number one, I want people to fall in love with their future, just like they've fallen in love with another person, because then if they do, they're bonded to that future, just like they're bonded to another person Secondly if you truly truly want to connect to pure love to source to singularity to oneness to wholeness to the infertile void to Vacuum energy whatever you want to call that meanversal intelligence. That's pure consciousness

That's pure love if you hit you hit that moment where you hit connection you will feel that arousal of love It'll be it'll be profoundly memorable for you, and it's it's not chemical. It's electric It's very electric Wow so you get a few of those it becomes you and you become it and so your love for the divine Your love for the mystical your love for the unseen your love for the divine, your love for the mystical, your love for the unseen, your love for source, the love affair begins. It's like being in love. No one can tell you're in love. You just know it. And it gets really hard to miss a date. Imagine you go and connect every day and you start your day from that place. That's a relationship. That's a relationship with

the world that you're bringing. So I think the overcoming process is part of it. I think it's practicing getting to that place. I think it's practicing opening our hearts more, moving out of survival, working with our bodies. And survival, it's not a time to love. It's just it's not time to communicate. So your relationship that's built on emotions other than love, there's not a time to love. It's just, it's not a time to communicate. So, your relationship that's built on emotions other than love, there's going to be a limit to love, right? And so, you got betrayed, someone else got betrayed, you get together, talk about your betrayal,

work yourself up into a froth, feel the emotions, get emotional agreement, get a connection. You're connecting the same energy, the same emotion, because you're sharing the same information, you're sharing the same memories, and you can relate with one another. That's a certain level of consciousness. For all the people that you've seen

have successful long-term relationships, what is the thing that you see them do extremely well? Forgive. Ooh. Yeah. They forgive each other, they forgive. They forgive the emotion. No, the emotion is going to keep you in the past, right? So they have to be able to forgive.

What happens if we don't forgive something that our partner or in a relationship does? If it hurts us or they said something and they did something, maybe it was really bad or just we can't forgive you'll never have love. Wow. The love that we withhold is the pain that we experience lifetime after lifetime, you know, it's how it is. Say it again? The love that we withhold is the pain that we experience lifetime after lifetime.

And then when we master our emotions, we master our creations. So that's a creation. And you have to overcome the memory and the emotion and when you do you belong to the future instead of the past. Oh man. So otherwise, well that's a perfect explanation of karma. You live by that emotion, that emotion is gonna drive a certain behavior and cause you to think a certain way and you're on the wheel. You're gonna, people are living the same lifetime every day. They're in gonna, people are living the same lifetime every day.

They're in cycles, they're living the same lifetime after lifetime because they haven't overcome the emotion. No one's doing that to them. The soul can't go to the future, can't go. Can't go if it's stuck in the emotion of the past. So the soul has to overcome the event by overcoming the emotion. So the soul has to overcome the event by overcoming the emotion. Forget what happened.

You'll never hear me say to anybody, tell me your story. I will never say that. I would never do that to you. Wow. I would say, overcome the emotion. And then the story ends. Wow.

Because the memory without that emotional charge is the wisdom we get from the experience. We never have to do it again. And now the soul says, okay, I'm ready for the next adventure. Okay, so I was betrayed. Okay, I learned the lesson. I did this, I did that. Okay, I got it.

But we discovered that when people analyze their life within some disturbing emotion, they make their brain worse 100% of the time. Holy cow. Because you're thinking in the past, the answer's not there. Overcome the emotion. Actually, thinking about it makes the brain worse. It drives them into higher states of arousal. Overcome the emotion, you have the answer

to your own question. It's because it's not in the known. It's not in the past. You gotta get beyond it. So I say to people, when they ask me questions, just seven days, just across the river, you're gonna have the answers to your own questions. There seven days, just across the river, you're going to have the answers to your own questions. There's going to be no better life coach for

you than you. Right. When you get over this. Right. So then the person who shows up worthy in their life, person who's happy because they're making themselves happy, that's such an unknown for everybody that they've just left and showed back up in their life or they usually complain with. They're like, oh my God, this person's joined the cult. Oh my God, this person's joined the cult. Oh my God, this person seems way too happy, and they're happy without me.

And really, it's just an energy that the person has broken out of the chains. They freed themselves from the chains of the past, right? And so that doesn't mean that they don't get frustrated, don't get angry, they just don't waste their time staying there because living by that emotion will create a gap between the way things appear and the way things really are. Wow.

And if we respond during that period, we'll always say the same thing. I should have never said that. I should have never done that. I should have never sent that email or that text. You're altered in some way. So learning to shorten the refractory period of your emotional responses is emotional intelligence, right? And getting really good at that then allows

a person to show up differently. And when people create the life they want, which happens a lot, why would they hold a grudge? Why would they do that? They trust. They free themselves and they free that person. Like everybody's been betrayed, everybody's been hurt. But if your life is wonderful, who cares? Like, that, whoa, I just, I wasn't conscious or whatever. And then now it's when your life isn't working and it ain't working and you're living by the same emotion and that passes, you're gonna keep it alive,

but you're the only one keeping it alive. Where is it? Where is your past? Where is it? It's only there, right? It's in a memory. It's a memory. It's not here. Yeah, it's not here. So then people spend enormous amounts of time not even knowing, not even aware that they're living in that state and always predicting the default mode network in the brain is always predicting the next moment based on what it's learned in the past, right? If you're holding a grudge of the past, it's going to predict that in the future.

You're just going to get ready for the next one. You're recreating the past. Your future is your past. Oh man. Yeah. And that's all the known, right? So getting a person to no longer live in the predictable future, you know, where they're just habituated, where they get up and do things and they're on a program. Getting a person, that's the predictable future is the known.

Familiar past is the known. Living by the emotion, remembering the event. If the familiar past is the known and the predictable future is the known and the predictable future is the known, there's only one place where the unknown can be. That's the present moment. Getting a person to labor for the present moment liberates energy in the body. And that's when the person starts feeling more like themselves and they don't feel as altered. And so you overcome the emotion of resentment, just use this as an example, by sitting in the fire for a week and just facing off with it and just working with your body and retraining it to a new mind. I guarantee you that when you see your ex, you'll

see a part of you you used to be that you no longer are and you'll have nothing but compassion and love for her and you'll be like, wow, wow, I get it, I totally get it. There's no longer the past anymore, you're not connected to it any longer and you free that person and your relationship changes and something shifts and there's, she's seeing you differently because you're showing up differently. And it's not anything you're saying,

you're not lecturing them. They're just not showing up as the memory they had of you. And that allows them to be different. And that's a great service. Yes. You mentioned about survival mode. When we're in survival mode, we're feeling stressed. And when we're feeling stressed, we're unable to feel that kind of self-love, love for self.

Well, when you're in stress, you're altered. You're altered. You're altered. You're altered self. You're shaken. You're not feeling whole. You've moved from love. Right. And when we enter a relationship from survival or stress or lack of worthiness or neediness,

I need someone to make me feel more love because I don't have it myself. What do we usually attract and create when we're attracting from neediness, survival, and a lack of wholeness? Yeah, I think that all of that lack, all of that separation, is separation from love, right? And the problem is, is that we've just been conditioned into thinking that it comes from out there. It comes from that person, that drug, that circumstance, that thing, that object, that app, whatever it is. You're relying on your outer world to change your inner world.

So when things are good, you feel good. When things are feel bad, you feel bad. So you're out of fact. You're not a cause in any way. So what if though, you had a way to find that independent of your outer world? The data we have suggests it's absolutely possible. Now you're free. You're free.

Like you don't need anybody or anything. You'd be a lot cooler to hang around with. Everybody would be like, well, you know, that's just, that would allow them, I know this. Your presence would allow them to move out of survival. They would open their heart a little bit more, they trust you a little bit more, they'd be more kind, they'd be more soft-spoken, less egocentric. Your presence would do that and may not be the first time, but they would start figuring out like, wow, this guy is really different, something's different about him.

And that's just because you're present and you're giving them your attention without judgment. You see how hard it is to change. You've actually made that change because you've made that change and you see that you've made that change, but you see that in them, you're no longer judging them. You have compassion for them.

Like, dude, that's a tough one. It took me a long time to get over that, but you're not judging them. You have compassion for them. Like, dude, that's a tough one. It's tough. It took me a long time to get over that, but you're not judging them. Like what's wrong with you? You're like, oh my God, I totally know what that's like. You've crossed that river. So of course you would never offer them advice

unless they asked you. You would probably give them a one-liner. I mean, people who heal in our work, so many times, you know, people in a state of desperation will say, what meditation did you do? And they laugh at them like, it's nothing to do with the meditation. It was just like change.

And it was an arduous process. But they're telling a difference, they're telling the story of their future. They're not telling the story of their past, their ex or their betrayer or whatever that person is. They have no regrets about that because why? They have a- They wish them well, they hope they're happy. It's not like they're even trying to forgive

to be spiritual. You know, people who try to forgive, like I'm really gonna try to forgive that person. Working hard to forgive. Yeah, it's just not how that works. Like you are in love, like you don't have to try to forgive. You're just, you just don't wanna lose this feeling

and you take your attention off that person. You're good. There's a lot of freedom in that. And that's how people heal. They're building their own field. They're giving their body their energy back again. They're taking their power back in so many ways. So, and then there is community,

a collective consciousness. Like I like great conversation. I like spirited conversation. I like to be scientists or people in my life that I love. I like to engage in just what the limit is and like everybody take us on a journey to see how far we can go. I don't like to talk about like things that really,

that are, where there's pain or suffering or what, I don't, where there's ego, I don't like to talk about things that really, where there's pain or suffering or what, I don't know, or there's ego. I don't really like that. That's a consciousness. And everybody's done it, but if you're truly on the path of evolution, you outgrow it. Yes.

You outgrow complaining. You just don't wanna make yourself unhappy anymore. You outgrow talking about yourself. You're better than anybody because if you do you got to face off with that person tomorrow and overcome them tomorrow. After a while you're like dude just stop that so you don't have to deal with you like that anymore. So you just start outgrowing things that are just a side effect of your evolutionist. It's not like you have to try to do it, it's just the side effect of a change in consciousness, a change in energy, change in awareness, change in emotional states. And so in the heart, it is the selfless place.

It's a selfless place. We can give from the heart, we care from the heart, we're kind in our heart, we're compassionate in our heart, we're inspired in our heart, we fall in love with our heart, we're grateful in our heart. And so I think people feel with every other part of their body, but their heart, like they just don't feel with it. Right. Practice feeling with your heart. Yes. And we have we have such great data.

You know, we put these monitors on people for 24 hours, right. And I used to think primarily it was women that had these moments. Now we're seeing that men have them too. In fact, the men whose spouses take them or partners take them to an event they really don't want to come, these guys are going to be fine. They have really, really big moments. So we see them in their meditation where you can these little blocks of five minutes and you see the heart just drop into coherence and it's just beautiful lines, beautiful looks.

You can see this. It's very easy to see. You see this person sustaining it for 45 minutes during their meditation. So you're like, hmm, all right, this person nailed it. They go to the next meditation, another 45 minutes again. Done it once, done it twice. This is, looks like this person's getting a skill. All of a sudden they do it a third time, another 45 minutes. And then lo and behold, those three meditations in one day, then they're in their room, and

they're unpacking and getting ready for bed. They're still wearing the heart rate monitor. And while they're not in a meditation, for one hour, while they're just unpacking and getting ready, there's an enormous amount of heart coherence that's taking place for a whole hour. Why? Because just like a person who has a panic attack, who's embracing the worst case scenario in their mind every day and emotionally feeling the anxiety and the fear of that event actually occurred, that image of that emotion, that stimulus and response, that thought and feeling has conditioned the body to become the mind of anxiety. The body

has a panic attack with you or without you. Try as you may to control it with your conscious mind. You can't control, you program it subconsciously, right? So is it possible to have a spontaneous love attack? And that's what she had. She had one hour or her body went into ecstasy. Wow. And you could see it.

A love attack. A love attack. Wow. I said to her, what did you do? She said, and I saw it. She, she laid, she got on in bed and she laid down and rolled over and went to sleep. So you see her about an hour and 10 minutes, perfect heart coherence and just see it drop off into sleep. Well, 13 1400 different chemicals released to

restore and repair the body. So the love that you feel is is the glue that creates connection on a cellular level, on a molecular level, on an atomic level. Peel the atom all the way back right to the center of the nucleus and you have nothing but energy. And that energy is what's called low entropy. And low entropy is high order. And high order is high energy energy and it's a lot of a lot of power. So as you move closer to that source of everything physical and material,

we have such great data to show that people actually run into it. When they do, their autonomic nervous system goes into these elevated states of high, high, high gamma brainwave patterns. Now gamma is super consciousness. Gamma is very conscious, very aware. So the person's whole entire Autonomic Neurosystem is processing hundreds of standard deviations of gamma outside of normal. That's not a little gamma. And it's so coherent. Now the autonomic nervous system touches every single cell in the body, controls and coordinates all those systems, right?

So now imagine stress is autonomic dysregulation in coherence. This is autonomic regulation, but this is not a little regulation. This is enormous amount of energy that's taking place in the brain and the autonomic nervous system is on fire and every single cell in the body is getting touched by that frequency. And that frequency is carrying information and energy is informing matter and that connection creates that feeling of pure love, of ecstasy, of bliss. And now

the person takes a piece of it with them, they become more of it and it becomes them. And so we measure their blood and there's a lot of oxytocin. We measure their blood and there's information in that blood that wasn't there before that heals cancer, that reverses Alzheimer's, that causes viruses to not enter the cell. I mean, it causes the microbiome to change in a matter of days.

Like, so that interaction with that unifying field of energy that exists beyond our senses, whose signature is oneness, whose signature is wholeness, whose signature is pure love, means then that it lives within you and all around you, then you'd be remembering who you are and where you came from, which is pure love. And it is the most familiar, unfamiliar feeling

you'll ever have, and it's not chemical. It's electric. And when you have that moment, many times, there's an upgrade that takes place in the body. There's the disease, now it's gone. There's the eczema, it's gone. There's the myasthenia gravis, now it's gone. There's the Parkinson's, now it's gone.

There's the blindness, now it's gone. There's the Parkinson's, now it's gone. There's the blindness, now it's gone. There's a... Energy's informing matter and that enormous amount of regulation, high, high amounts of regulation is raising the body in frequency. It's raising the body in light and all diseases lowering in frequency. So the person is connecting to something way bigger than their senses, way something beyond their senses and it's coming from within them. Now, you only need one of those and you're okay. From that point forward and the way you see life, you have some veil, some illusion, some conditioning, some hypnosis is removed and you're now way more relaxed

in your heart and way more awake in your brain instead of unconscious stressed out in a program right and when I think you're more awake in your your heart in your brain you start to attract more great opportunities and you start to see is this person in alignment with my type of resonating resonating yeah that consciousness exactly you'll be able to find your tribe it'll be as obvious as anything exactly what whether you're looking for a partner or friends or in that consciousness. And you'll be able to find your tribe. It'll be as obvious as anything. Exactly, whether you're looking for a partner

or friends or community or a place to work. Or a business partner that you can trust. Exactly. You resonate and you feel that. And the heart is a strong element in the creative process. So if you have a coherent brain, then you're sending the signal out into the quantum field. That's the potential in the quantum field that you're selecting that already exists.

And you got to have an intention. The more coherent the brain, the more the electrical signal takes place in the field. But if you want to create the experience, the synchronicity, the opportunity, you got to need a coherent heart. And the heart is the magnetic field. And the magnetic field draws things to us. So now we don't have to go get it any longer because that's what we do in three-dimensional reality. All of a sudden you start noticing,

I really didn't do anything. Well, I got the email, I got the phone call, I got the opportunities. I met this person who led to this and wow, and all of a sudden I have this life. And so if you're going to believe in that future that you're imagining with all of your heart, it's got to be open and activated. We train people to get in that place. And when they're in that place, they have wonderful relationships with everything and everybody because they're okay with themselves. Yes. What is the main thing you would recommend people work on themselves?

Whether in transition of relationships or in a relationship, is there one thing that they could always be working on to improve themselves? To be better for other relationships. If their entire story about the relationship that just ended is about what the other person did wrong to them, something is missing in the other person did wrong to them, something is missing in the story. Yeah. That doesn't mean that the other person

may not have done things that were hurtful to them. But add to it, who were you in this relationship? Absolutely. What role did you play? What did you see that you didn't wanna pay attention to? What things do you wish you had done differently? What pieces do you wish that your partner had seen and accepted from you differently?

Where did you wish you would have said less? And where did you wish you would have said more? What do you learn from this relationship? And if when you say what you learn is just that I want to make sure that the next person is, gives me what I need, you know, or is less of this or more of that, you know, who do you want to be in the next relationship? How are you going to add value? A relationship is a story of many people. It's not even a story just of two.

Who was too involved in your relationship? Who was not involved enough? So there's a cast of characters in a relationship. And it's all those questions that you want to ask when you are in transition. What, I think that's it. I mean, you can, but they are both directions. If you find yourself with a spotlight only on the other person and you in a passive receptive

stance, you're missing a whole pan of the story. Yeah. And you're probably more of the problem of the relationship than them, if you're just focusing on them probably. A relationship is not about this person and that person. The relationship is what happens in between. This is my view on relationships. It's not an essentialist view, this is this personality and that personality. It's the dynamic. You can have a dynamic

with a certain partner. You've had dynamics with certain partners. Of course, it was just the right fit between the match and the ignition. So you had enough inside of you to react with a certain kind of, let's put your jealousy. But you may meet another person who acts differently, and you may still have a little bit of that jealousy inside of you, but it doesn't get activated because this person is responding very differently to you. And when you say, where were you, they don't say, why do you always have to ask me that question? They just say, I just want

to do this. It's all good, darling. I'm right here. I've got you back. And then you don't go into your chest pain, you know pain. So this is very important to understand We are not the same person with with different partners We may have certain things that come out depending on what is being sent over to us. So the relationship is a figure eight It's what I do That makes you do something that then makes you react to me a certain way that then draws that out of me, that draws that out of you, and each one actually creates the other. And when you get that view of relationships, when you come out and you're in transition,

you say to yourself, let's say I was with someone who completely disconnected. Okay, completely disconnected. Okay, they disconnected. Did I push them away? Are there ways in which I contributed sometimes to the disconnection? And that is not self blame. That is understanding the dynamic.

You can take responsibility about things without blaming yourself. And you can hold the other person accountable without blaming them It's it's not a blame dance But it is an understanding of what did I do that made you do what you then did to me then then they made That's the relations. Yeah, and if someone's like, you know what to listen to you answer there They really want to have an amazing relationship. They want to have a rich life Knowing it's not going to be perfect,

but they want to create beauty and adventure and play and go through life through the sadness and the adversities and all the things that happen in life. And they're thinking to themselves, how much should I pour into myself for my dreams, my health, my friends and family? How much should I pour into the other person, into their life that I'm creating a partnership with,

and how much should I pour into the relationship itself? What would you say to that? But you asked me, it's different questions, right? What keeps a relationship alive is one question. How much do you invest in a relationship alive is one question. How much do you invest in a relationship is a different question. So, I'm gonna go to the one about what keeps it alive because it's part of, and I'm suddenly watching the box

and thinking, it is what I'm mostly interested in. Because I work on eroticism. What keeps us alive? What keeps us hopeful? What keeps us engaged with possibility? Not physically alive, but connected to life. Connected to life, life force, life energy. Why?

Because I think everybody understands relationships that are not dead versus relationships that are alive. Teams that are not dead, companies versus companies that are alive. What is flourishing versus surviving? And because it is part of my personal history and I come from a background of survivors, of parents who were in concentration camps.

And I wanted to understand how do people stay alive when they spend five years in a concentration camp. So that's why I got interested in eroticism. Sexuality is a piece of this, but sexuality is not eroticism. You can have sex every day and feel nothing. Eroticism is the poetry that accompanies it. It's the meaning we give to it. It's the story that's attached. So eroticism in a relationship is the quality of imagination, curiosity, playfulness, mystery, risk taking, novelty that people bring to their relationship. Those are the things that I think people bring to their relationship.

Those are the things that I think bring life to a relationship. So in the research of Eli Finkel, it means doing new things together, taking risks beyond your threshold, out of your comfort zone. Because if you do pleasant things that are familiar, it's cozy, it's friendship, it's love, but it's

not exciting, it's not erotic, it's not necessarily desire. It's calibrating your expectations. So that you have, and that means diversifying your intimate connections or your deep connections. For me intimacy doesn't mean sexual either, it just means people that are important to you, that accompany you through the life stages and through the big events in life. These treatings, expectations, calibrating expectations, diversifying your social connections, and taking risks and doing new things is the research of Eli Finkel for driving relationships. But then in that piece, I think play is essential.

Playfulness, it's huge. And it is actually the quality of emotions that is the least talked about. How often are you playing in your relationship? All the time. Humor is essential. It's an essential salve and bomb in my relationship. I can be in the middle of an argument

and then I start to laugh and then I just get perspective and we just kind of ground ourselves back again. It's flirting, it's teasing, it's making fun of, it's that whole realm of we're not really serious and we don't take ourselves that serious. What happens when relationships are taking themselves very serious and they're not playing? Look, I had a teacher who once said to me, if a couple comes to you for therapy and there is absolutely zero humor left, it is diagnostic. Really? Zero humor left It is diagnostic really now is it true?

you know nobody has proven that scientifically but what you know is that humor and If you listen to my podcast if you listen to the sessions on where should we begin or on how his work? You'll see in the middle of talking about trauma Painful event major, strife. I laugh with them. I manage to see if they can see themselves, if they have a bit of distance, of perspective, if they understand sometimes the absurdity

of the things that we get into, the things over which we fight, the way we do it. And even if it's just a glimmer, a smile on the side, on the corner, I know they know that I know that we know, and it creates that complicity, and it invites a new possibility. Some people may be resisting the humor, they may be like, they want to hold on to the seriousness. Yes. If you want to hold on to righteousness, to I am right to victimization, to I have the view that is the only view that matters and only my perception and my experience is the truth. Then you are in a polarized system that is rigid and unyielding humor and play is possibility.

Possibility invites change. Change invites healing. Yes. I wanna ask you a few more questions then I want us to play your game for a little bit. Over the last two years, was there anything that came up for you personally in your own inner world that you noticed,

oh, there's something, like we talked about it, it created a lot of pressure for people if there were things that came out. Was there anything for you that you noticed, oh, there's something, like we talked about it, it created a lot of pressure for people if there were things that came out. Was there anything for you that you were like, huh, there's something I still need to work on myself or need to continue the healing journey of that came out in the last couple of years with being at home and not doing things the way they used to be?

I will answer this in two ways. The way that I experienced the pandemic. So in the first, in the beginning, right after I left you, I went back to New York and I went in lockdown. And basically it was in the, you know, suddenly kind of I got gripped with a bit of a panic and primarily because I thought I can't catch this thing. Because if I catch it, I am now suddenly considered elderly. I'm past 60. But you're 35.

Yeah, yeah. For the pandemic, it changed. It suddenly shifted overnight. I became elderly. And that meant I wasn't sure if we entered the hospital, me or Jack, that we will pass the triage. He's older than me. And I got really, really scared.

I had a lot of post-traumatic stress symptoms that are very much connected to the Holocaust and to my family experience. That sense that overnight, this whole life I have built could just disappear like this. And it was irrational. I was terrified that Jack would die to the point, you wanted to know about humor in my relationship? So we are in the middle of construction at the time and there are workers and at that point he comes to me and he says, I asked the workers to dig a hole in the garden.

I said, oh yeah, why? He said, so that when I die, you can just roll me right in. Oh my God. Wow, talk about humor. But I cracked up because he showed me, girl, you gripped in fear, and I just started to laugh, and I just realized, no, no, no, he's not dead, because I was ready to stop construction.

I said, we're not making this. No one can come here within a thousand yards of our area. No, no, it's more like we will not survive. No way. I was, I really, when it's post-traumatic, it's trauma is the word, right? So I really was very, very, very scared. And his humor diffused it for me and just brought me back

and said, we're continuing to build we're gonna live we're gonna survive don't worry girl it's like so this was one and it slowly you know I entered into the into the the long term of the pandemic and it dissolved and that's when I understood this came out of that. I missed my friends. I missed my dinner parties. I missed intimacy. And I created a host of different group experiences, pods. I had a movie club on zoom on three continents.

I have a book club. I had a yoga group that met four times a week still till now that is over two continents. Wow, that's cool. And I had a hiking group, I had a swimming group in the summer, and then one day I said, I need to play. And I need to continue to have conversations where I learned something new. I was so freaking tired of talking about the pandemic. And I said, I'm going to create a game, Not having any idea of what this thing was going to become and what it represented.

I just thought, oh, I want to do something creative and I want people to be able to talk about something that isn't just like, you know, when you live six months like this, in lockdown you begin to have the same conversation. Of course, yeah, yeah, of course. So I just thought, how am I going to make couples have fun, get energized, be curious

about each other, talk about something else? And I thought, we need to play because play is a container. Play gives you the possibility to take risks, to talk about things that you would otherwise not talk about because it's under the guise of play. Play allows you to ask questions that you would otherwise not ask, certainly not to your partner, because we get more shy with the people that we live with than with strangers sometimes. Yeah, really, interesting, yeah.

You know, you're more daring to ask sometimes questions to strangers. Strangers. You're never gonna see again. Or people you've just met than the person you live with for decades on end. That's interesting. I just, so play became very, very central. When you play, you still are able to lift yourself from the ground, and it means you

can enter the world of imagination and where the rules are different. Every child at this moment, around the Ukrainian crisis, you can see when kids are still able to play, it is the moments when they are not in hypervigilance. It is an essential survival skill. Yes, yes. Underrated. And from that place came... That's correct.

Where should we begin? It's one of the key things in relationship and in life, is what I'm hearing you say. It's one of the key things in relationship and in life is what I'm hearing you say. It's ascension. I have a brand new book called Make Money Easy. And if you're looking to create more financial freedom in your life, you want abundance in your life, and you want to stop making money hard in your life, but you want to make it easier, you want to make it flow, you want to make it flow. You want to feel abundant.

Then make sure to go to makemoneyeasybook.com right now and get yourself a copy. I really think this is going to help you transform your relationship with money this moment moving forward. We have some big guests and content coming up. Make sure you're following and stay tuned to the next episode on the School of Greatness. the important links. And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me personally,

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