The School of Greatness - 338 Love Louder and Deepen Relationships with Preston Smiles

Episode Date: June 6, 2016

"When you choose to step into your calling, it will make room for you." - Preston Smiles If you enjoyed this episode, check out show notes, video, and more at http://lewishowes.com/338

This is episode number 338 with Preston Smiles. Welcome to the School of Greatness. My name is Lewis Howes, former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur. And each week we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin. Welcome everyone to this special episode with my good friend, Preston Smiles.

And if you don't know who Preston is, then you are in for a treat today. Make sure you listen to this full episode or watch the video at lewishouse.com slash 338 because, wow, Preston is electric. And I go back a few years with Preston. We did some leadership workshops, some emotional tele-jumps workshops together. We've done a lot of work together. We've been through a lot together and he knows a lot about me. I know a lot about him. So it got pretty interesting today and I'm super pumped to introduce you to him. He's got a new book out, which I want you to check out. We've got it all linked back at lewishouse.com slash 338. Make sure to give this one some love and share it out. And for those that don't know

who Preston Smiles is, he has taken over the inspirational video world by storm on YouTube and on Facebook. He's got these incredible videos that really bring people to their highest power and to their highest light and to their biggest heart. And his mission is to empower, inspire, and ignite a multi-generational movement of radical growth through conscious, creative content, acts of love, and by living boldly. And he believes we're all here to leave the planet better than when we found it. And he's committed to motivating others to join him on that mission and live their best life right now. And boy, does he bring it out of people.

He really electrifies people when he connects with them. And his content is so inspiring to me. It's some of the content that I share out on a consistent basis. He has a new book. He does workshops over the world. He's a public speaker. He's a coach. And he's a good friend of mine. And I want to make sure you give him your full attention. Again, share this out with your friends, lewishouse.com slash 338. Check out the full resources and show notes over at that link as well. And without further ado, let me introduce you to the one, the only, Preston Smiles. All right. Welcome back to more of the School of Things podcast.

I'm very excited about today's guest. His name is Preston Smiles. My man, good to see you, brother. Yes, sir. Very pumped about this. Preston's got a new book out. I just bought 20 copies. I pre-ordered myself.

It's called Love Louder, 33 Ways to Amplify Your Life by Preston Smiles. Make sure to get the book right now on Amazon. It is out today. Amazon and everywhere books are sold. Thanks for being here, man. I'm excited about this. For sure. For sure. We've known each other for what? Three years now? Three and a half years maybe now? Yeah, I'd say maybe a little longer. Four years maybe? Somewhere right there. Yeah. I think I first met you at the Love Mob event. It was at the Grove. Yes. It was the first time I met you. then um i met you i don't know if i'd done the

workshop before then or after then but we essentially did a workshop together for like six months that was pretty intensive and crazy and amazing all at the same time we were like essentially you can create buddies in this workshop for this specific one we did and we became buddies yep and so we had a lot of intimate moments, a lot of crazy times, challenges. There was one time we were going down the street here and doing some crazy stuff. You were like writing poems for people. I was like dancing with men or something crazy. We were doing challenges to overcome fears of ours. It was all about breaking through limitations. So we've had an amazing ride. And I remember in this process, this was three years ago. Two and a half years ago we did this?

Yeah. Two and a half years ago we did this. You were like, I want to write a book. And I was like, now's the time. Let's make it happen. So now the book is finally out. Yes. It's pretty cool.

It's coming full circle now, right? It's amazing, yeah. We spoke yesterday, and I'm going to say this again on camera just because I wanted to thank you. Your push during that time you know we were both pushing and pulling and like digging and like holding each other high but your push at that point i didn't even have what we would say a functional website not the one that not what i was worth you know right and like for you at that moment you were like yo it's time like you're ready and it's time and to sit here you know three years later it's pretty sweet man and the top of our game but at the top of our game for now.

And then that top will keep – Yeah, we're in a nice stride. Oh, yeah. We're like cruising, sprinting along. So it's very cool. And you had some different ideas for books, but this is the one you finally came up with. You actually just finished the second book. But Love Louder.

Why Love Louder? Why did you want to do this book as your first book? Because, man, everything comes back to love. Every guest you've ever had on here, anybody who's ever talking about anything positive, it always comes back to love. Underneath all of our stories about each other, gay, straight, white, black, Christian, Muslim, underneath all of that is love. And for me, you know, I've lived in this short lifetime, a million lives. I've been at the very bottom, close to suicide. And I've also experienced some of the highest heights. And my understanding is, is the moment we turn the volume up, the moment we amplify our love, we automatically

amplify our lives. So for me, I'm cutting out the middleman and going straight to the source. So Love Louder, source. That's really, again, what we all achieve to do is to experience love and to have more love, to give more love. Why we make more money is because we want to have more attention or why we strive to be great athletes is we want to get the acknowledgement that we never got or whatever it may be. It's like there's some deeper sense of we just want to be loved. We want to create something great in the world so that more people love us, right? Or that the people that are in our relationships finally love us and see us for who we are, whatever it may be. So very cool, man. Well, I'm excited. And you started this thing called the Love Mob, which is where I first met you.

And tell us what that is and was. Yeah, the Love Mob is kind of on hold right now. It's about to come back full steam. But the Love Mob is organized acts of love. So we would do giant flash mobs. The one you went to, we took over this popular mall in LA. The Grove. Like marched through like a marching band.

There was like 800 of us singing and and just reminding people that on the busiest shopping day in america that the only thing we need is love so we sang the beatle song all you need is love and we do different things but it always comes back to organize acts of love we're like the mob but for love right right i love it man so you guys are on hold now because you guys you and your fiancee have been traveling around the world doing workshops leading workshops writing books yeah so guys are on hold now because you and your fiance have been traveling around the world doing workshops. Leading workshops, writing books. So it's on hold. Speaking, doing all that good stuff.

And you were an actor before, right? I was. That was like the main reason you came to LA was to act. You went to school for acting or was it for something else? Yeah. I got an MFA in theater and did the whole thing then. And that was the dream to come out and be like a big movie star originally or what was the dream?

Yes. That was the dream to come out and be like a big movie star originally or what was yes that was the dream and then i got out here and i had um i experienced some heart palpitations when i first got to la really why um i'll get to that so i hadn't been to the doctor i was one of those dudes that didn't go to the doctor it's like what would i need to do that for um and it got so bad that i was like okay i probably need to see what this is. And I went to my general doctor who was like the same doctor I had when I was like nine. Right. And she ran a couple of tests and she was like, you need to see a cardiologist immediately. And I was like, okay.

And she was like, like tomorrow. So I went the next day and I was sitting in this office with an 85 year old man to my left and like a seven year old woman to my right. And, um, here I am, this 25-year-old kid. And, you know, it hit me that the one thing you don't mess with is the heart. Like you can lose a liver, you can lose a finger, you can lose a lot of things. But when that thing goes out, you're done. And went in and the doctor ran a couple of tests and hooked up this machine to my chest that was going to monitor what was happening

and i came back a few days later and he um he this guy actually changed my life and i want to hunt him down because this he not only changed my life he changed a lot of other people's lives as well indirectly um he asked me two questions changed my life forever so uh the first question was was after looking at my charts and kind of looking back up at me and like he said young man um he said what are your stress levels like and i was like what's a stress level like i'm a kid i don't know what you're talking about yeah and he explained what stress was and i explained my life and he said hi you're highly stressed out so that's number one number two this happens, anybody who's ever been sick, like really sick, gets the same question. The second question was, what is your

diet like? And I said, I eat food. And he was like, okay, talk to me about food. What's food to you? And I said, well, I eat McDonald's, Burger King, I drink beer, I smoke weed, you know, like I do what everybody else does. And he said, young man, that's not food. And I went, dude, what are you talking about? Of course it's food. It's on the commercials. It's food. And he said, how long have you been doing this?

And I said, my whole life. And he was like, by your whole life, what do you mean? And I said, literally, everybody I know and everybody they know, grandparents, everybody, everyone eats that way. And he said, well, as a doctor, I'm going to give you some pills that will regulate your heartbeat for the rest of your life. This is a 25-year-old person that's going to be taking pills for the rest of his life. He said, as a father, as a citizen, I think you might want to look into this. And I went home that day and made a decision that I would never be taking pills for the rest of my life. Wow. And that led me into this journey of awakening and getting super upset about what I didn't know that I didn't know and what most of society doesn't know.

And I was the angry, I was that angry person that like wakes up and it's like, do you know what you're eating? And I was going to all my family and I'm like, you got to start juicing. And like, nobody could hear me. Right, right, right. And then- Because you weren't coming from love. I was not coming from love.

You were coming from judgment, from criticism, from now that I know I'm better, you don't know type of mentality. I mean, what was deep, deep, deep under it was love because I wanted to save them. But what I didn't understand was that my context, you see the context determines the content. So my context was creating a content where people couldn't hear me. The moment I shifted and changed the context from love, from understanding, from compassion, everything over there changed. From let's both win and figure this out together as opposed to, you know. Yes. Wow. That's cool, man. So what did you, when did that start to shift?

So was it like a year where you were just yelling at people? Obviously you weren't yelling at everyone, but with that energy of like. Yes. It took about a year. And then I. When you realized it wasn't working and you're like, okay, I need to do something different. Yeah. I actually met a guy and something about his energy was like amazing.

And I had never met a man who stood as a king. I said, dude, I don't know who you are, what you do, but what did you do? Because I need some of that. He said, I took this workshop in New York. I think they have them in LA. I made a few calls and I ended up at this place called MITT, which is Mastery of Transformational Training.

I took that workshop and it cracked me wide open. We did a few exercises that let me know where I was actually standing. Showed you who you were being in the world. Yes, yes. And now I teach that stuff. Now I go around the world leading workshops, particularly the embodiment piece. Because, Lewis, I got to tell you this. A lot of people who are wanting to change their lives

don't really understand what's happening. Because there's an industry built for intellectual change. But the body never lies. And most people do change here, but it never drops here. So for me, my work is about supporting people and understanding and moving it into the body, moving it into practice so they are the living embodiment of it. Because I've met millions, not millions, hundreds of people who have all the head knowledge. They can tell you about all the best quotes and all that stuff. But when it comes to actual application,

when it comes to that moment, high stress situations, fight, flight, freeze, or appease comes out. And my work is about being above that, epi, like epigenetics, being above fight, flight, freeze, or appease, which is what most people... Appease? Yes. So in stressful

situations, we'll get to this if we get to this, but a woman died in my arms in New York which is what most people's... Uphees? Yes. Uphees, yeah. So in stressful situations, like I... We'll get to this if we get to this, but a woman died in my arms in New York last year on Mother's Day. Wow. And I got to see the work that I had been doing because in stressful situations like that,

when someone... How are you going to show up? Exactly. So most of the people in New York on the street corner, when she got hit by this cab and her brains were on the ground, it was really hard. Wow. Most people, flight. They took off.

Freak out and screaming. Exactly. But for me, I walked in and I got to see, oh, I've embodied the stuff I've been talking about. Right. I could step into that with a calm heart and really truly be with this woman in her last moments on this planet. Wow. What was that like? Was she able to speak or no?

Was she kind of already gone? She was gasping. And this is also a part of why I wrote this book. Wow. I didn't know this happened. I was still in the midst of this. Wow. And for me, man to man, human to to human the only thing that matters when it's all

said and done is this breath and we we take it for granted all the time and i watch somebody gasp all she wanted was one more and i watched her go through that process and i sat there with her and i spoke to her i went. I went on the spiritual level. There was one doctor and one nurse on the scene. Hundreds of people. Nobody wanted to be there because her brains were splattered and it was bloody and gory and all that stuff. Wow. So while they were checking her pulse and doing that, I went into the spirit world and I put my… Connect with her.

Yes, exactly. Be loving because that's what she wanted. Boom. And I said, I'm here with you. Wow. If it's time to go, perfect. If you want to stay, I'm here with you. Wow. And we just had this back and forth. And then there was a moment cause I closed my eyes and there was a moment when something said,

open your eyes and open my eyes and she, that was it. Whoa. That's pretty heavy, man. Yeah. You can look this up right now. It's a, her name is Amelia Sturrental. Um, anybody can look that up on the internet and see when it happened in New York. Wow. Did anyone videotape this or no? No. That's intense, man. That's a deep experience. Yes. Life-changing. It's heavy. Yes, very much so. Wow. What happened for you after that experience? What did you... Just a beautiful reminder. I mean, I had a little bit of PTSD. I'm not going to lie. Because replaying watching someone die is not an easy thing.

And then having to face off with my own mortality and understanding that not a single soul is getting out of this thing alive. Like, I don't care how much money you make, how many people you interview. You're one of the most awesome people I know. You're going to die one day. Right. And so am i yeah and so the question is is like how am i actually going to um walk this earth what legacy am i gonna leave and for me anybody who's ever seen my videos anybody who's ever experienced me in person gets that i care like i truly care and that that experience with Amelia ramped that up tenfold.

Because I'm not afraid. You know? I could lose everything right now, and I would still have everything. If you know what I mean. Of course, yeah. And I would just gain it back. Heavy, man. I didn't know that happened. Wow, that's crazy.

Yeah. I didn't talk about it. I made a video after, but I didn't talk about it for that much. Wow. I want to talk about your name, Preston Smiles. That's not your given name, correct? No. What's the given name?

My given name is Preston Davis. Preston Davis. Yeah. Is there a middle name? Yeah, Eugene. Preston Eugene Davis. Yeah, yeah. Okay.

No one's ever asked me this. You see how Lewis is coming at me right now? Uh-oh, hot seat. Let's Yeah, yeah. Okay. No one's ever asked me this. You see how Lewis is coming at me right now? Uh-oh. Hot seat. Let's go, Lou. Preston Eugene Davis. So when did you change your last name to Smiles? Is it an official name or is it not official yet?

And why? Yes. So story. I went to Louisiana State University and I was in the theater department. And there was a woman. And nothing against any and I was in the theater department. And there was a woman, and nothing against any of the people in the theater department. I love them dearly. They're amazing. But there was a group of kids that would smoke cigarettes and wear all black and intellectualize and philosophize on the stairs every day.

And they would throw their cigarette butts down in front of this woman, this janitor named Miss Evans. And every time I saw that, it bothered me because it was as if she wasn't human. And I made a decision that because I saw her, I was in a graduate program. So I saw her every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday from 8 a.m. basically to 5 p.m. or later during classes. So I, Louisiana is really hot. so i made it a point for every morning that i would see her on monday wednesday and friday i would bring not only myself a bottle of water and a granola bar but i would bring her one so we started having breakfast together and just talking i'd hear about her kids and what she was buying them and what she was up to and just just dove into her life just as a human

nobody saw it it was just her and i and a few months into the semester, I was running down the hall doing something. And, you know, she pays attention. She works there. That's the building. She mops up. She cleans the toilet. She does all the stuff. And I was running down the hall once and she said, boy, you always run around here smiling. I'm going to call you Preston Smiles with your happy self. I'm going to call you Preston Smiles with your happy self. And it was this moment for me where I was like, that's my name. You know, it didn't necessarily click, click. I didn't claim it at that moment, but it like hit me different. And when I moved to LA and had all of that experience, I got that. And this is nothing against my given name, but that's a slave name. You know, that's that if you really go back, that Davis is a slave name.

So I asked myself, who do I choose to be? And then digging in the crates and like sitting with who I choose to be, Preston Smiles came out. There you go. And that's what I embody now. I like it. Is it an official? Did you change the name? So here's the funny thing. Also, I've never told anybody this.

So I called my sister first because my sister's amazing and she's like my confidant. So I said, you think daddy would care if I changed my name to Preston Smiles? She was like, I think he would care. But try it. So I called my dad and he was like, no way. Wow. No way. Because for him, it's about legacy.

Right, right. Of course. So honoring my father who's amazing. You haven't changed it. I haven't changed it officially. Yeah, gotcha. But I write as Preston. Everything I do is Preston. Right, right. Of course. So honoring my father, who's amazing. You haven't changed it. I haven't changed it officially. Yeah, gotcha. But I write as Preston. Everything I do is Preston.

I'm Preston Smiles. Yeah, yeah. Davis is- It's on your ID, Davis. Yes. Right. But you haven't changed it. Gotcha, gotcha.

Yeah. I like it, man. What is the thing that's missing from your life right now? Ooh. Yeah, let's go. Structure. Oh, go. Structure. Structure. It's not missing, but what is the thing that I could ramp up?

Structure, for sure. Because I'm a wild child. This is the thing that, and this is to anybody out there, because I know this is the school of greatness and people are building their tribes and their communities and all of that stuff. And I want to reiterate this. When you choose to step into your calling like you did, it will make room for you. So I chose to step fully in. That means that I'm available for the arrows and for the praise.

Yeah. Right? And in stepping in, it's made room for me. So I make, you know, know quite i'm abundant in all ways now with that said i'm complete but i'm not finished and in the in the in the not finished part i get to keep honing structure you know right so like some people send, I get interviewed for a lot of podcasts and people will say, okay, here's the questions and would you like to structure? And maybe I never want to do that.

I don't know these questions you're going to ask me. Yeah, yeah. I don't structure my videos. None of that stuff gets structured because that's my gift. Yeah. That's my Picasso, you know? That's the thing that I light myself on fire and become the flame wherever I go. So that's awesome.

And then there's the Achilles heel where some more of my life gets to be structured. Yeah. It's funny. I was doing an interview with Chase Jarvis recently, and he was talking about how he's a photographer and a creative artist. And he says that actually structure creates more freedom for artists. Yes. And allows you to get your art out there better and produce better work when you actually put it in a structure and a framework. Here's what I'll say as well.

Yes, I'm highly structured. I'm not highly structured when it comes to business models. Right. Right? Right. Everything's a skill we need to learn and master. Exactly. So if you haven't been taught it, it's not like you're just going to own it and master it right away.

You've got to spend years of doing, failing, doing, learning, growing, making mistakes. Oh, okay. That didn't work. Now this is going to work. Yes. So it's all a process. Organized chaos is what I live in. So for instance, people say, dude, you're one of the most consistent people on social media.

That's structure. It's scheduled into my life. I don't miss days. I'm making videos every day. I don't know many people who are that consistent besides Ralph Smart and a few other of my friends. You see what I'm saying? So it's a very particular aspect. But good question, Lewis.

I'm going to karate trap you after this. What do you think is missing from, let's generalize it, most men in the world and most women in the world? So two different questions. What's missing from most men? Maybe let's call it the U.S. Yes. General. Yes.

And then women in the U.S. This is twofold. Because you do a lot of workshops where you're in it with men and women and people in relationship, not in relationship. You're in the messiness of it. So what do you see that's happening? So there's a couple things. One, our society is built

around trying to get high on good all the time. So everybody's trying to feel good. They want another hit. They're always looking for another hit. So they buy trying to feel good. They want another hit. They're always looking for another hit. So they buy another car. Another like. Another. Everything. Comment. Chasing it. Chasing this proverbial carrot that's always outside of themselves. So that's number one. Number two is most people do not allow their experiences to complete themselves. And what I mean by that is we have something happen, an event, which is neutral, right?

This is the philosophy. Everything's a neutral event. You can name the worst thing on the planet. It's still a neutral event until we give it meaning. So a neutral event happens where, let's say, someone breaks up with someone. Then what happens after that is we make up a story. We have an interpretation of that thing. He broke up with me, which means I'm not good enough, right?

Then after the story, we get emotion. Angry, mad, frustrated, resentful. But what usually happens on our planet is the moment that emotion comes, something else comes in, where we intellectualize and justify. The emotion. Yes. I didn't need him anyways. I didn't need him anyways. I'm better off without him. And they don't allow the experience to complete itself. And understanding that everything in the universe is circulating. Something called the law of circulation. Where nothing is stable.

It's always moving. We stop the circulation. We stop the flow the moment we justify. We intellectualize something that landed in the body. Now kids are the greatest teachers on the planet. Little Tommy is playing on a swing. Jesse comes up, steals the swing. Tommy takes that neutral event, makes up a story about it,

runs back to his mom, Jesse stole my swing, Jesse stole my swing. And he's crying and he's going through his experience and he lets the whole thing complete itself. And then 30 minutes later he's back playing with jesse in the swing now adults we have a tiff about a hundred dollars and we don't talk to somebody for 20 years right we hold on to it we hold on to it because we never let it complete itself and we have to understand that if we took because i've done some really um quote-unquote

terrible things in my lifetime, right? Like I've almost killed people on accident, not on accident. I've done some pretty malicious things, stolen fights, graffiti, like a lot of stuff, right? And this is what I had to come to understand. If we take a lemon and squeeze it, the only thing that can come out is lemon juice. So it doesn't matter who's squeezing it. It doesn't matter if someone's stepping on it. It doesn't matter if it's thrown against a wall. The only thing that will come out is lemon juice. And it's the same thing with humans. So what we like to do is project and

blame someone over there. Well, the only reason I flipped out is because you said this and you said it that way. And if you wouldn't have said it like that, then I wouldn't have done that. And it's all about over there, right? But my teachings, what we teach is that it's all an inside job. It can't happen if it doesn't exist over here. Right. You created meaning from it. It could have been neutral.

It could have been an event that you change your mindset about it, right? Yes. So if anger keeps arising, it's because I haven't allowed anger to complete itself. You see, most people have a core wound. Something that happened when they were seven, five, nine. Most people, and here, let me get back to your question real quick. Lewis, we are in rooms with hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of thousands of people all over this world. And I would say 90% of the people in the rooms that we are participating in have been sexually abused in some way, men and

women, 90%. You have to understand that. Whether we're in Costa Rica, whether we're in Africa, whether we're in Australia, whether we're in New Zealand, no matter where we are, whether we're in the US, 90% of the room has been sexually abused in some form or fashion and hasn't talked about it. That's the worst. So that's moving with them everywhere they go. Every time they meet somebody, sexual abuse is meeting them as well because they haven't allowed it to complete itself.

They haven't faced off with what that meant. And they're still walking around with those wounds, carrying those bags around, blaming their father or their dad and not understanding why they can't have a functional relationship with anyone because they haven't ever allowed themselves to experience betrayal, experience fear, experience pain. Dude, like I will go crazy in here. I get so passionate about this stuff. Yeah. I mean, I think the stat is one in six boys and men have been sexually abused. And that's what's reported.

What's reported. I think women, I don't know what the stat is. It's one in three. One in three. So, you know, it's probably more on both sides. Yep. But it's challenging. You know that I experienced this when I was five and I held on to it for 25 years.

It's challenging. You know that I experienced this when I was five and I held on to it for 25 years. And I talked about it on the podcast for those that have heard that episode where it was – listen, I was still a joyful, loving guy, fun, inspirational, all these things before I started talking about it. But it was like I carried around these triggers, this anger, frustration, resentfulness. It was like – it was challenging. And I was always like uncertain, lonely, frustrated inside. Yeah. And I never felt enough. So that's why I keep going for more.

Yes. To prove people that I was enough. Yes. As opposed to coming from a place of serving the world and being an inspiration to the world and just having a deep mission. And when I started, you know, this workshop actually we took helped me let it go, helped me face it and kind of complete the cycle. Now, it's still a lifelong journey and there's always stuff that's going to come up, but I'm aware of it and I'm able to talk about it so it doesn't own me. I think most people, they don't talk about it because it owns them.

Yes. They're afraid of the shame, the guilt that they feel. Yes. The loneliness that will come from like talking about it. guilt that they feel. Yes. The loneliness that'll come from like talking about it. So I encourage who's ever listening, if you've had any type of trauma as a child or as an adult that, and if you haven't talked about it to someone that you trust, like just take

a look. I'm not telling you you need to talk to someone or you have to do these actions because I'm not a therapist or anything by that means. But I'm saying take a look. Is that supporting your life? Yes. Or is it hurting you? Yes. If it's hurting you and people around you,

then definitely look and do some research about how can I have a conversation with someone about this? How can I create a safe place to talk about it? Yes. And even when you talk about it, you're going to need to talk about it for a long time until it's probably fully out of your system, right? At least that's what it worked for me.

It took me about six to nine months where every time I told it to someone, I was terrified. And now I can talk about it like it was eating breakfast yesterday. You know what I mean? For sure. It's still like a sensitive topic for people, so I can't just throw it out there. But we've got to talk about these things to let them go. Absolutely, man. Absolutely. Because here's. Absolutely, man. Absolutely.

Because here's the deal, Lewis. I know a lot of people come to you because they want to build big businesses and they want all this money. And my understanding of all of these things because I'm having them, I've had them, it's here now, is that none of that matters if you truly aren't loving the person that you're looking at yourself in the mirror. I teach that the Ninja Turtle and the Ferrari are no different. We're still looking for that dopamine hit. You get the Ninja Turtle, got a new one, I got Raphael. You play with it for a while and then what happens? It fades away and you need the next one.

And so can you override? Can you be above that? Can you be bigger than? Can you be so in love with yourself? And true self-love is doing what you just said, which is having conversations, having the tough conversations. We as humans will do anything to avoid seeing ourselves. We'll watch porn. We'll overeat. We we'll have sex we'll be on tender swiping and all of those things are ways to avoid actually seeing

the self and facing off with the self and they don't get that the most successful people on this planet and I don't mean

money necessarily but the most successful abundant harmonized people on this planet

are those who face off with those things they don't shy away they walk in they move in that's bravery yeah it's scary it's it's one of the scariest things you'll ever do is to face yourself big time so look yourself in the mirror and like tell yourself the truth it's freaking terrifying but it's liberating and the freedom that comes from it is unbelievable absolutely and you know i i started this podcast before I opened up about this experience from my childhood.

And then when I started opening up about it, people would email me and say, is there like something you're doing is differently? Like your podcast was great before, but like there's something about you. I can't put my finger on it, but you're just so much more present and connected and like you're a better listener and you're more caring. And I'm like, they can notice. Everything is touching everything. This is one of the biggest things.

People come to me for coaching and they come to me because they want to build authentic brands and all of that stuff. And they want to talk. They want to look over there. And I say, well, we'll get to that. But you have to understand that everything is touching everything. So what's happening in your relationships? What's happening at home, what's happening in that moment when you feel anxiety and you go and masturbate or go to a bar, that's where

the work is. Because when you master that, you master this. You know, I can give you a million tactics. I can give you a million tactics. And those tactics will work for a minute. But can you keep it? Can you actually really hold it you know as a man you can and i'm not i'm just a human being but i know my superpowers right now

i know that you can put me in any room right now and i can hold my own right i know that i know who i am and i know what i am and i know that you are the same. So then I'm able to look through and sift through and speak to someone's heart. And that's a practice. Whatever you practice more of, you get more of. Period. And you've just been doing the work for so long that you've been with people, engaging with them in this way. So you're going to get better at it. Simple.

Just like if you want to get better at business, you've got to do the work. And you've been doing this for years now. So let's talk about relationships. This is, you know, the key, you know, uh, the key to success in life is relationships. We can't do any of this on our own. Yes. So we need to learn how to have powerful, meaningful, loving relationships. And that's really what we're here to do is to create communities and tribes and families and connection. It's not to be born and then go live in a cave and isolate ourselves. It's hard to create something meaningful in the world alone. What do you think is, you know, the divorce rate is over 50% now. Yes.

You know, people are, you know, living out of integrity in their relationships, whether they're married or not married. Why is it so challenging for so many people to be in a relationship with one person and deep with that one person and be fulfilled with them for 50, 60, 70 years? Why is that so scary or challenging for so many people? Why do people run when it gets hard? Or why do they stay in it for 20 years and let it be hard and say, well, I just have to stay in it and let's just grunt it out because I made the commitment. And so I'm not going to remove it because I'm guilty. I don't want to feel guilty or shameful of getting divorced. So I just asked about 20 questions. I was just going to say, you asked 48 questions just now, but we'll start here.

The paradigm of the planet right now, when it comes to relationships, is completely screwed up. And for me and Alexi and I, my fiance, soon-to-be wife, July 2nd, I love you, baby. I love you. Alexi and I have this understanding that it is not my job to make her happy. It is not my job to fulfill her. It is not her job to fulfill me.

And in that, there's so much space for growth. Because we're two autonomous beings coming together, choosing to stare at the same mountain and walk together, while simultaneously understanding that life is constantly flowing and moving. So she could be here today and gone tomorrow.

Likewise. So we honor what is here without having this deep. And I get it. I absolutely get it. The moment you fall in love and you have this beautiful thing, you want to hold on to it. and you have this beautiful thing, you want to hold on to it. And at that moment, the moment you start squeezing and trying to like, no, she's mine or he's mine, you become the addict. And that person becomes the dealer.

And now you have to get a hit. You have to keep searching and figuring out and looking at Instagram and Facebook and seeing who they're following and going through all of that stuff, which is really your own deep insecurities about whether you're enough. So taking off the table that it's your job to complete someone, because that's a misnomer. That's not true. That's not true. It's their job to be complete.

Exactly. When two holes come together, it's a whole different ballgame than when two halves come together. And for me, that's the practice. That's where you start. And you and I have had off-camera conversations about all of this stuff. A lot of people want to sort of compartmentalize their heart, right? So they start dating, but they're kind of like this. Come here, stop. Come here, stop. And they're compartmentalizing. Well, I'll just show her a piece of my heart or I'll just show him a piece of my heart. And we'll just be friends with benefits. It's okay. Expecting, because remember,

whatever you practice more of, you get more of. Expecting to one day meet the one and be able to actually crack that heart open and let somebody see you. That's not how it works. You see, we have to practice. So for me, my advice to anyone choosing to be in a relationship is start practicing now with whoever you're with, even if they're not the one. They may be the two. They may be the three. They may be the 17.

If you can be present with them, because remember, none of us know when it's our time to go. You may not write off until the sunset and have a 40-year marriage you know part two to this lewis i think is one of the biggest things in the world right now most people don't understand that we have masculine and feminine energy and most women right now in our society are operating in their masculine. They are operating in their masculine, and then their dudes, and remember, this is even with you and I, right? At any given moment, whether there's 20 people in a room or just two, if one person is in their masculine, the other one will surrender into their feminine,

or they'll stay in their masculine, and they'll fight. They'll fight. Boom. So what's happening in people's relationships is the woman is so used'll stay in their masculine and they'll fight. They'll fight. Boom. So what's happening in people's relationships is the woman is so used to being in her masculine and so is the man

and she's wanting him to, or let's just put it like this. She's used to being in her masculine. He's used to waning in some ways and she's wanting him to be in his masculine and what women don't understand is the moment a man gets home, that's his one place where he gets to be in his masculine. And what women don't understand is the moment a man gets home,

that's his one place where he gets to be in his feminine. That's the one place where he gets to kick back, relax, hit the remote, scroll through, relax, and not think about it. And for a woman,

she's been practicing the masculine for so long that she's wondering, she, she loses attraction to him because he's not stepping in. Well, women, he will not stepping in. Well, women, he will not step in if you don't relinquish it. Now, I know I hear some women saying right now, well, that's not fair. Why doesn't he just relinquish it? Or why doesn't he just move in in the first place? Because that's not how life works. You guys are superior beings in some ways. You have more gray matter and all of that stuff. And women, you're freaking awesome.

More gray matter and all of that stuff. And women, you're freaking awesome. So get that. Emotionally, little girls are taught to experience their experience. They're taught to share and touch. And dudes, we're taught to fight each other and to like tackle and things of that nature. And we're very simple. So I don't know where I'm going with this. But bottom line is you get to learn to dance between the masculine and the feminine.

Both men and women get to. Both men and women. And women get to understand that if you want your man to be in the masculine, you must surrender it and move into your feminine. And it's exhausting to be in the masculine all the time. It is. So that's probably why men will go into feminism sometimes because it's hard to always know what to say, be in control, have it all figured out, be able to stop all the chaos and be the one who's calm. It's a challenge sometimes. So I think women need to understand that. Give your man a break.

Let him relax. Let him be chill as well. And it's all gonna work out another thing that i find that is an issue in our society is we have unrealistic expectations of course and we've made a society where it's easy to shop so you can scroll through and shop for people on instagram and on twitter and on tinder and this new there's a new one called ryer or something like that. So you can shop. So it's the grass is greener syndrome.

Right. Where the moment issues happen. Yeah. What else is out there? Oh, I look somewhere else because this is not working out. And one of the things that's so amazing about Alexi and I's relationship is the times where we are in conflict. Because those are the times when we get to see where our core wounds are you see for me here's one i'm dyslexic right i'm experiencing dyslexia

in this lifetime up to this point it's not a life sentence right so alexi and i and this happened the other day this is why it's so perfect to stay in relationships and to see that it's always a relationship with the self anyway. All right. So, Alexi and I are reading something on a computer screen. For Alexi, school as a child was amazing. She's a brainiac. Reading super fast.

She can read 40 books in like a week. Right. For me, one book. In a year. A year. Exactly. Right? Yeah.

Exactly. So, we're reading something on the screen with each other. And she says, are you done? And I was like, yeah, yeah, sure. So she scrolls up. And I had this moment where I'm like, I just lied. I wasn't done. Right.

I was on the second line when she was on at the bottom of the page. Right. You know, because I have to read things quite a bit for me to land. And I stopped myself and said, baby, I just lied to you. And it was a trigger for me because in that moment, I felt stupid. I felt less than. I flash

back to what happened when I was 9, 10, 11, when I was the dumb kid in class who kept needing more time until they put me in special education classes where I felt even worse about myself because I'm with mentally ill children. Right. You know?

So at this point, now I'm, you know, a 30-something-year-old man reading a computer screen and I'm flashing back to that. And most people in relationships, they'll blame the person. Well, it's not her fault. Right. She's the lighter fluid to what already existed within me, which is the worthiness conversation that I still get to be, get over. Yeah.

That I still get to be with in a different way. Right. Yeah, man. Yeah. Shoot. How many times, you guys have been together for what, two, three years now? Yeah, almost three. Would you say that you've experienced normal amount of conflict and challenges more than normal less than normal

you know i'll say this it's always perfect in whoever's relationship i was talking to a friend in mexico a few days ago and his situation is his or i'll just say this i won't talk about him i'll say that some people's dharma in this lifetime, right? So your dharma in this lifetime, whether however you want to look at it, your mom, your dad, this situation, living here, this is all your dharma, right? This is what you call for. I called for a hippie father and a super CPA powerhouse mother, and I called for all these things. And a part of that is I called for a relationship that would reflect all of the stuff back to me. So I don't believe in normal or whatever. I think it's always perfect for whoever is in the relationship. And sometimes, and Alexi and I have these conversations sometimes where we'll say, we'll probably look back 30, 40,

10 years from now and go, wow, we were so hard on each other. Why? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, but I get it. So being in a relationship with someone, for those of you guys who don't know, Alexi Panos, my fiance, also does the exact same work. We work together.

So you're together all the time. We're together all the time. And you're working together. It's like a crazy workout partner who I get to have sex with and kiss and rub on right snuggle with it yes so we're constantly raising the bar so there's no room in our relationship for anything like any little thing gets pinpointed because we're both coaches yes you know oh my gosh so we're we're playing at such a high level that sometimes we'll laugh and be like dude like, like... We're human beings. Yeah, we're human. It's a break. Yeah, exactly.

So I don't believe in normal. I think it's perfect for whoever it is. I know people who never quote unquote argue, but they also find each other boring, you know? And they never, I mean, they have conflict. They just don't, they're passive aggressive with it. Or, you know, one person always acquiesces to the other person and gives up and surrenders.

And I love that Alexi is fiery. I love that she stands in her queendom. I love that I stand in my kingdom. I love that when she goes into her warrior energy, sometimes it's sexy to me. It turns me on. Right, right, right. I want to, like, I know she wants to choke me sometimes probably as well, but I'm like, and I want to kiss her, you know? Because the thing that drives me crazy about her is the thing that drives me crazy about her.

Yeah. You know? That's a good line. Thank you. That's a good line. Final few questions. If it's your last, you know, day, many, many years from now, and you haven't achieved what, or you haven't done what, or you haven't said this, what's the thing you would regret? See, you keep coming up with these trick questions that I don't align with.

So I'm going to remix your question because I don't believe in regret as well. Okay. Is there anything you regret right now? No. Okay. There are things that if I had the opportunity to do them differently, I would. But it's all perfect. Yeah, yeah.

It's all perfect. It's one of the reasons why I can step in these rooms and talk to these people because I'm not guessing. I'm not some dude that lived a perfect life. I'm the dude that's went too far. I've been to the bottom of the barrel. And because of that, when I'm speaking to people, I'm not guessing. They know where it's coming from. It's coming from this heart. It's not an intellect. Yes, I learned and I read some books and things like that, but I learned this on the streets. I learned this in the trenches. learned and I read some books and things like that, but I learned this on the streets. I learned this in the trenches, you know, so I don't regret anything. What I will say is, you know, at the end of the day, if I haven't, damn, Lewis, this is a tough question because it's my goal to leave with

my tank on empty. It's my goal. It's my intention. It's my commitment to leave this earth with nothing left in my tank, to be the dude that they say went all the way for love, for people, for humanity. So what does that look like? For me, that looks like constantly checking in with this first. Like I said, lighting myself on fire and then being the flame wherever I go and turning my kitchen fire into a forest fire and burning everything down that comes in my way in the most beautiful way possible. And that'll look like writing books. That'll look like creating

and supporting conscious children. That'll look like creating programs and love mobs. And we have the Bridge Method, which is our 12-week online training program that thousands of people are in all the time. Things like this, I don't know. Actually, the best Method, which is our 12-week online training program that thousands of people are in all the time. Things like this, I don't know. Actually, the best answer to that is I have no clue. Because I don't have to know.

I just have to know the knower. All right. I like that. Yeah, loot, loot. Okay. What are you most grateful for in your life recently? This moment right now is pretty freaking awesome. Friendship and play.

I've made it my business to stay connected to people and to not take myself too serious. All of us are making quite a bit of money. It's beautiful. We're pioneers right now. The internet is just cracking open. We have no clue what this thing is going to do. But I make it my business not to get caught up with that and to actually be friends with people. You and I, we go there when the camera's not on.

Both ways. And when it's on. And when it's on. I mean, we do. We're doing it now. But you know what I'm saying? Outside of all this stuff, if all this went away and there was no Lewis Howes and School of Greatness or Preston Smile, if it all went away. We're still doing it.

You'd still be my homeboy. Yeah, yeah. You know? And for me, I'm super grateful for the friends that I've cultivated. You know? I'm rich. I'm wealthy when it comes to relationships. Right, right.

So I can call on people and they can call on me, you know? And that's huge. I don't think there's, I mean, community is the new money. Yeah, that's it. You know, that's one of my hashtags, you know? And being loves voice everywhere I go. That's what I'm Yeah, that's it. That's one of my hashtags. And being loves voice everywhere I go. That's what I'm about. That's cool.

That's cool. Before I ask the final two questions, I want to make sure everyone goes and gets a copy of this book, Love Louder, 33 Ways to Amplify Your Life. If you want to take it all to another level, then make sure to get this book right now. I just bought 20 copies. So make sure to get a few. now. I just bought 20 copies. So make sure to get a few. Get some for your friends. Give them away.

It's a quick read, but a lot of good inspiration and power in this book. So make sure to check that out. Where should we connect with you online? Where's the best place to hang out with you and say hi? I mean, I do my thing on social media, but go to PrestonSmiles.com and you'll find everything. Okay, cool. But you got a lot of great – for those that don't know Preston, he's got a lot of great videos on Facebook and YouTube. So make sure to check out those two pages also.

Good stuff there. Final two questions. This is called the three truths question. So it's many, many years from now and it's your last day. It's like you know the last day is coming and this is the last day. And you've written 50 books and spoken all over the world, done everything you wanted to do, the modern-day Gandhi, whoever you want to be, it's happened. But everything has been erased, all the books, all the writing, all the videos deleted from the internet. It's blown up.

And your great, great, great grandson gives you a piece of paper and a pen and says, will you just write down the three simple truths, the things that you know to be true about your life that you'd want to pass on for everyone else since we have nothing else to read or watch. What would you say are the three biggest truths? Love is all there is, was, and ever will be. There you go. Perfect. I like it. Before I ask the final question, I want to acknowledge you, Preston, for our friendship and for standing for me in many times when I was afraid, fearful, scared, uncertain of how to live my life. of how to live my life and for being a great reflection for me of love and really stepping up.

We are so similar and so different in so many ways, but I think it's been beautiful how we've connected and how we came together at the right time for each other, I think. And so I want to acknowledge you for stepping up and taking a leap to create something tangible that people can have that's going to change people's lives. And also being a channel to go out around the world and serve people one by one in groups.

So I want to acknowledge you for the work you're doing, for how you're being, your consistency to create inspiration and love in the world. We need more people like you. So I want to acknowledge you for that. Thanks, man. You're welcome. I really appreciate that. Yeah, yeah. And the final question is what's your definition of greatness definition of greatness

is you is me is you my definition of greatness is anybody who continues to get back up after they get knocked down over and over and over again because Because I know that it is not easy to walk this earth right now. And anybody who chooses to wake up and face another day, anybody who chooses a smile in the midst of pain, anybody who chooses to face off with themselves, they're great for you. Rest in smiles. Thanks, my man.

Appreciate you. Rastafari. And there you have it, guys. I hope you enjoyed this one as much as I enjoyed connecting with Preston. And again, a good buddy of mine that I've known for many years. We've been through a lot together, grown a lot. I've seen him overcome many obstacles and just grow as a human being as he has seen with me. As we both had many things that we've overcome over the last three years

and still doing the work, still many things to overcome for both of us. But it's amazing to see the success he has. Make sure to pick up a copy of his book. I already picked up a bunch of them. And I'm so excited to hear what you think about this episode. So let me know what you guys think over on Twitter and Facebook and Instagram, at Lewis Howes, and just share the link out on all those platforms

and tag me and let me know what you think. Again, lewishowes.com slash 338. If you're on the podcast app right now, just click on the share button on your podcast app and you can tweet it out or post it on Facebook right from the podcast. I love you guys and I'm so blessed and grateful that you continue to show up every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.

And I'm pumped to bring you some incredible guests that we have coming up next. We've got big names, inspiring people lined up all month. So get ready. And one last thing, you know what time it is. It's time to go out there and do something great. Outro Music