The School of Greatness - 358 The Key to Self Mastery with Don Miguel Ruiz Jr

Episode Date: July 25, 2016

"Your no is just as powerful as your yes." - Don Miguel Ruiz Jr If you enjoyed this episode, check out show notes, video, and more at http://lewishowes.com/358

This is episode number 358 with Don Miguel Ruiz Jr. Welcome to the School of Greatness. My name is Lewis Howes, former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur. And each week we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin. Welcome everyone to the School of Greatness podcast.

Very excited about our guest. Had an incredible time connecting with Don Miguel Ruiz. And for those that don't know who Don Miguel is, he is a Toltec master of transformation. He is a direct descendant of the Toltecs of the Eagle Knight lineage and the son of Don Miguel Ruiz, the author of The Four Agreements. And by combining the wisdom of his family's traditions with the knowledge gained from his own personal journey, he now helps others realize their own path to personal freedom.

And in this interview, we talk about The Mastery of Self, his new book on how to really transform your life to achieve your dreams. And I loved the book. I loved the interview with Don Miguel because a lot of ways, he talks about some of the things that I talk about in my book, The School of Greatness, but with a different approach, with a different angle. And we cover some key components of the making of a master and how to make yourself a master of your life. We also talk about unconditional love for yourself and unconditional love for others. We talk about how to recognize when we're wearing different masks and what other masks people wear as

well when they're in fear and how to combat that. We talk about goal setting and the difference between comparison and competition and so much more. I truly enjoyed connecting with Don Miguel Ruiz Jr. And I hope you guys enjoy this interview as much as I did. So without further ado, let me introduce to you the one, the only, Don Miguel Ruiz Jr. All right, welcome everyone back to the School of Greatness podcast. Very excited we've got

Don Miguel Ruiz Jr. in the house. Good to see you, man. Thank you so much. And we'll call you Miguel for the rest of this time to make it easy. Sounds good. You're the author of the new book called The Mastery of Self, A Celtic Guide to Personal Freedom. So make sure you guys go pick up this book right now. Your father is the legendary author of The Four Agreements, which you should go pick up as well. You have this on your store, on your website with other books also.

So I'm excited about this, man. I'm excited going through this, talking about goal setting, the mass we live in, and all these other things you talk about in here. So I'm excited to dive in about this book. And I'm curious about your life first. Sure.

Because you grew up in the US. Yes. But your father grew up in Mexico. Mm-hmm. And he was the son of 13. He was the 13th of 13. 13th of 13, yeah. And you're the middle child of three, correct? I'm the oldest. Old son of 13. He was the 13th of 13. 13th of 13, yeah. And you're the middle child of three, correct? I'm the oldest.

Oldest of three. Yeah, Jose is the middle one. So he was the youngest. You're the oldest. What was it like growing up in the U.S. with your dad and him doing the work he was doing? Well, it was fun. You can say that I'm a border town boy because I kept going back and forth between Tijuana and San Diego. I'm one of those rare situations where I lived in the United States.

I lived in this little town called Chula Vista, a national city. Basically, they seem kind of similar nowadays. And unlike most people who cross the border to go to school in the States, I actually crossed the border to go to school in Tijuana. Really? So you lived in the U.S. and went to school in Mexico. Yeah, basically. Interesting. Mostly because my father wanted me

to have a certain type of education because at the time, you know, schools are schools, but certain neighborhoods are different. So if I didn't go, I'd probably talk more like this. But I went to Tijuana. I studied in the International Baccalaureate

in a school called Lázaro Cárdenas. And it was a very high level of education. And then I did my last year of school here in the States. So for me… Of high school? Of high school, yes. So for me, it's all about dualities. I just grew up with a father who was a medical surgeon and a grandmother who was a faith healer.

I grew up surrounded by by mexico and the states and with spirituality and academics so it's always dualities it's fascinating that you know parents you would think that would want to send them to a great like u.s school but they sent you to a school in mexico it's like flipped almost well the situation was that at the time you know where we were at you know it, it was the neighborhood that I was in. And my father always believed that at that time that the school, elementary school, the schools where he would send me to were slightly better. In Mexico? Yeah.

Than the U.S.? I was doing calculus in 10th grade. Wow. And basically, but universities are still better in the United States. Gotcha. So basically, I transferred from Tijuana to Bonilla Vista High School in Chula Vista. Your senior year. From my senior year. And then I went to University of California, San Diego, which you can say that's the real education at that point, UCSD.

and that's where you can say that my formation of my thought process, along with the International Baccalaureate in Tijuana, really shaped the way I perceived things, especially a little class called Theory of Knowledge. It really shaped my perception of life and academics, and then mixing it with spirituality kind of created this nice little mesh for me. Right. Interesting. Now, what was your dream growing up? created this nice little mesh for me.

Right. Interesting. Now, what was your dream growing up? Growing up, I enjoyed, my dream was to create film. Really? I wanted to be in the film industry, and I was. Actually, I studied film at UCSD, and then when I graduated in 1999, I came here to Los Angeles, and I was a production assistant. I drove around towns, worked on projects, films.

I did camera loader, assistant for production design, set design, assistance course. I never really got to that point of being the director, but I worked at the entry level of those positions, and I enjoyed it. I had a lot of fun. And then I asked myself, what do I want my 30s to look like? And at that point- Is this all your 20s you did? This is all my 20s. And in my 28, 29, I asked the question, what do I want? What do I want my 30s to

look like? And I wanted to be a father and the kind of father that was around. Mind you, I'm a son of a neurosurgeon, which means I hardly saw my family. My mom was a dentist. My father's a doctor. So I kind of wanted to be around my kids when I grew up. So I shifted. And it's around that time that my family's teachings kind of resonated with me. And I became, I started able to translate and put into words. In your 30s? In my 30s, early 30s.

So it didn't resonate with you before this? No, because I rebelled against it. It's almost natural. My dad rebelled against it. My grandmother rebelled against the tradition. And then something happens in life that shifts us. You know, with my grandma, it was an ailment. My father was a car accident.

For me, it was a breakup. And what happens when you have a breakup, or you can say the broken heart, is that all of a sudden the illusion breaks, and you become aware of that illusion that you thought you were doesn't exist. And you can say that's when I began to understand all my family's traditions. You know, that mask that I put on, I really believed it for all those years. What was the mask? Oh, Miguel Ruiz Jr., you know, the goth kid the artist the the son of the the nahuatl and all that kind of thing it was all trying to live up to this image that doesn't exist and then when i

became aware that it was just an illusion it became it all my grand my dad's teachings all my grandmother's teachings became relevant in my life and i was able to put into my own words. And all of a sudden, I decided to start teaching. And because I started teaching not their words, not verbatim, no nothing, it was my own experience. And that's when all of a sudden everything just clicked. My rebellion ended at that moment because I understood it. I understood the concepts. Because when I was growing up, you grow up in a family that is spiritual or at least has a strong lineage. And when you're a teenager, it feels like it belongs in a museum or a textbook.

What does that have to do with me? And even though I engage because I love my grandmother, I love my father, of course I'm going to engage the tradition and I know how to do it. But because I know how to do it, I also know all the lo loopholes all the stuff that goes around it and all the ego and then little by little that ego blows blows blows blows and then it just poof what do you mean the ego surrounding what specifically the image that I had about myself gotcha basically the ego the function of ego is to keep the illusion of life that's the function of ego is to keep the illusion alive that's the function of ego and if you live up to this image then you're worthy of love and if you don't live up to that image then you're worthy of the rejection the punishment and the function of ego is to not

receive that punishment not to receive it to keep that illusion alive like don quixote coming up with a story that allowed him to continue to believe that those are giants instead of windmills. So you can say that burst for me. That I saw myself as I really am. And I began this process. All of a sudden, I understood my father's book, The Four Agreements, in a totally different way. So before this, you didn't think about it. You weren't like…

Well, I read the book in 1997. I read three chapters into it. And then I put it down because it was my dad telling me what to do all over again. You're like, this is how I live my life. This is what he taught me every day. Yeah, exactly. And then the bubble burst. Life happens because that's what happens.

And all of a sudden, I picked it up again, and it became relevant. And I slowly saw it how other people see it. And that was, you can say, a pivotal moment in my life. All of a sudden, I saw it as this instrument that allowed me to inform my choice. But I'm the one making the choice. And that was exactly the thing that I didn't realize before. Before, I thought I had to, which is a huge difference from I want to. This is what I want to do.

This is how I want to say yes. So at that point, it became rules. It became just an instrument that I can pick up or not if that's what I want. Right. So that's where I started when I changed it. Who was the most influential person in your life growing up? Growing up? Besides my family?

I mean, who in your family was the most influential for you? My grandmother, Sarita. Why? Well, there was a certain level of intensity to my grandmother that I love. At the time, my memories of her were in her 70s and 80s. So she was already an old woman by the time I met her. I'm the son of the 13th child. So by the time I got in, she was already.

How many grandkids does she have? We're over 60. Oh, my goodness. We're a lot. We're quite a bit. Wow. But she was this rock. She has this strong intent that allowed her to do things that most people would think impossible.

But she would do it because she just had that faith in herself, this faith to be able to create something. You see, when someone tells me that I'm walking in my father's shoes, I say, no, I'm not. I'm walking in my grandmother's shoes because this whole thing about sharing this tradition with the community came from her. She's the one who started this tradition in the way of sharing it with people outside because her father and her great-grandfather couldn't really share it. It was still somewhat considered taboo to teach. To teach people outside of the family. Yeah, it was still taboo within the community and outside the community. It was still taboo.

But my grandmother had this desire to share it. So you can say that I grew up with a woman that was so, I would say, very confident in herself to know that she can make a choice, whether it's yes or no, and it'll make her happy. You know, it didn't matter that she was in her 80s or 90s. She can create something. And she would always let us know that the only thing stopping you is your own belief. Right.

Okay. So you can say that's who was my inspiration. And what is this, what you're talking about that isn't being shared is this Toltec... What? The Toltec tradition? The tradition.

What does it exactly entail? What does it mean? What is it? You can say that the Toltec tradition, you can say that the word Toltec in English means artist. If I translate the phrase the Toltec art of transformation to 100% English, it means the artist's path of transformation.

And the way my great-great-grandfather taught it and his son, Don Leonardo, taught it, basically they taught it through the old symbols of the Toltec, you know, the images of Tezcatlipoca, Tezcatlipoca, Tezcatlipoca, and all the old Mesoamerican imagery that came along with the stories of the sleeping giant, the two-headed serpent, and what ethereal egg is. And back in the day, that was considered kind of taboo because it wasn't part of the Catholic Church.

In Mexico, the remnants of the Inquisition still were kind of there, even though there was the Mexican independence and the church had lost that power. It's still the taboo that still existed. And that, you can say, began to change. Even in my lifetime, you can say that when I was growing up, my dad would give a lecture about the tradition in Spanish and nobody would show up. But he would do it in English and the place would be packed. And then somewhere along the 1990s and 2000s, that imagery of reinvesting in your own tradition

became popular again in Mexico, kind of like Fidel Castro did in the 1930s and 20s. Bands like Café Tacuba, Caifanes, and things like that began to be introspective within the Mexican culture that began to see that. And also Mexico, for example, yoga also became popular. Spirituality became popular. Yoga, you said?

Yeah, yoga. Yeah, yoga and things like that. So just here in the States, you know, that ability began to be spread out. It's no longer taboo. It's something that, oh, okay, there's nothing to be afraid of. People are doing it, talking about it. Yeah, exactly. It's something like a household here in the States, for example.

And then the 60s were different in Mexico than they were in the United States. There was definitely the political revolution that came with the 1960s. But in the United States, there was also a spiritual change. The modern, what we know as the hippie, came in and introduced us, along with the beatnik, of what spirituality is and introduced it to the with a beatnik, of what spirituality is and introduced it to the community and to the cultures, and little by little, by the 1980s and 90s, it was easy for my father to be able to teach that

because the language was already established. Places like the Bodhi Tree here in Los Angeles was able to teach the traditions not only of Yogananda, but of Krishna and Buddha, Siddhartha, and Christ and Mohammed, and all that kind of things. So you can say that that multiculturalism began to be shared. That's something that in Mexico, you can say the last 15 years has been blossoming. So you can say that's where we come from.

When I say dualities, that's exactly what I mean, because we engage in this beautiful tradition that we're taking all the fanaticism out of it and leaving what is there what we know as common sense and we speak in that common sense you can say that that's the success that my father has but it's the thing that allows us to rest common sense yeah exactly yeah and it's the thing that allows us to resonate not just within these two countries but around the world and that's the beauty of it yeah so it's it's just putting into words a human experience which is gorgeous and harmonious and i you know i got the privilege to be able to continue with that is it really possible to master oneself oh yeah and when did you feel like you mastered yourself the moment where i accepted myself the moment i no longer pretended to be something i'm not

and basically you can say that it's the moment i took off the mask of who no longer pretend to be something I'm not. And basically, you can say that it's the moment I took off the mask of who I'm supposed to be. And I began to see myself as who I am. Rather than a definition, I am the experience of a living being that is me. And I'm only controlled to the tips of my own fingers. I don't control beyond that. And because of that, I only control my perception. And I am the force animates this body, that animates this mind. So you can say that within me, I get to experience life exactly from this point of view. So to experience me, to become the mastery of self is to simply love myself unconditionally, which simply means to see myself as I really am at this very moment. And who I am at this very moment

is the sum of every choice that I've ever made. And at the same time, I'm also the youngest I will ever be. I have my whole life ahead of me. How do I want to live it? How do I want to engage it? And the beautiful thing is that it's up to me. That's the choice I make.

So I'm responsible for the consequences of my own choices. And that is the beauty. And I get to choose what consequence that's going to be, either a positive consequence or a negative consequence. I always have the choice of the power of my own will, which is my yes and my no. So from that point of view, today I can say that I'm able to do my best.

Right now, for example, I run half marathons and marathons. I'm about to run a 10K this weekend. And basically I took a little break just to give my hip flexor some rest. A body rest. So I know that this weekend I may not be at my fastest, but I'm looking forward to engaging and running the 10K. And whatever that's going to come out, that's my best at that moment. And I enjoy it.

So if I live up to this image of a mask, and if I don't run that 10K in this amount of time and this kind of space, and if I don't achieve it, it's a waste of time. And this whole downward spiral of self-judgment kicks in. But I've allowed myself, like, you know what? I'm going to do the best I can. I'm going to run. I'm going to enjoy it. I'm going to enjoy every step.

That's the power I have. I have the power to move one leg forward. I have the power to be able to control and moderate my breath. I have the power to enjoy it. And that's really it. Because when I enjoy it, that's what allows me to get into the zone easy because i'm out of my mind i'm out of my head and i enjoy not only the process of the harmony that is breathing and moving at the same time and shifting and when i run i don't listen

i don't run with headphones i run without them so i'm totally, yeah, it's like when I took off the headphones, it's like going from automatic to stick. And I was able to control my own body and I listened to my body. And that's really what I'm called about the master yourself. I'm aware of myself. Yeah. And I accept myself.

Yeah. How does someone, you talk about, you have a chapter on loving yourself unconditionally, unconditional love for yourself and others. How does someone love themselves unconditionally when they have so much guilt or shame or unworthy feelings about themselves from past that they haven't let go of or they haven't forgiven or they hold on to? How does someone fully unconditionally love themselves well they first they see themselves as who they are they can't go back in the past and change a yes into a no or no to a yes because

that life no longer exists in the past so it only exists in my mind and it probably didn't happen the way i think it happened but i can't go back there so am, this is the result of that consequence. And this is the result of who I am. Now, true justice is paying for something once, injustice paying it over and over and over again. So from that point of view is, why am I continuing to judge myself? Why am I continuously feeling this guilt? And it's because I haven't forgiven myself. I accept the truth, but I haven't forgiven myself. And to me, to forgive ourselves is to accept the truth and let it go. What I mean by that is to learn from it. Now, sometimes we continue to punish ourselves because we're still attached to that domestication. Like I said before, domestication is a system of reward and punishment by which we model the behavior of an individual. If we live up to the expectation, we get the reward. And if we don't live up to the expectation, we get the punishment.

And since part of our perception is emotions, that reward feels like acceptance, which feels like love, which means when we don't live up to the expectation, we get the punishment. Well, the punishment is our rejection, our judgment, and we don't get love. It's the lack thereof, and it's the way we learn conditional love. That's how we begin to love ourselves conditionally. So most of the time, we continue to judge ourselves over and over because we are still not living up to that image. And here's the thing. That image doesn't exist.

It's an illusion. And we still judge ourselves compared to this image that doesn't exist. It's an illusion. And we still judge ourselves compared to this image that doesn't exist. So we're still looking at ourselves not as who we really are at this very moment. We're still chasing this elusive carrot

that as soon as we get it, we're worthy of love. And until we get it, we can forgive ourselves. And to some people, it's a motivator and they drive through that obsession.

But when you realize it, that's just an illusion. And then you realize you're never going to reach it because that guy, that girl never existed. Never existed. It was someone's point of view projected onto us, a mask projected onto us, and we believed it. And when we realized that we're not that,

when we realized that that image nothing exists then what is the truth well the person who i am at this very moment i'm not my past i'm not my future this is the only place where i'm able to express my will this present moment yeah this present moment that moves with me from the moment i am born until the moment i die so this is me with me from the moment I am born until the moment I die. So this is me. Flaws and all. So you can say from that point of view is, all right, reset the starting point.

This is the starting point. This is me at this very moment. Yeah. So all those times, okay, I forgive myself because I didn't know what I was doing, which was true. It's like Christ says, forgive them, Father. They do not know what they do. Well, forgive me, Father. I didn't know what I was doing, which was true. It's like Christ says, forgive them, Father. They do not know what they do. Well, forgive me, Father. I didn't know what I was doing. Or you can say, forgive me, Miguel, in my case. I didn't know what I was doing, but now I'm aware of it,

and I'm going to learn from it, and I'm not going to repeat the mistake. And that's the lesson learned. So I'm no longer going to use that spur to motivate me to become something I'm not, because I forgive myself for ever saying yes to it. So you can say from that point of view, a judgment is just simply that instrument by which I try to mold myself to being something I wasn't. As soon as I become aware of that, I can forgive myself forever doing that. Yeah. It's interesting you're talking about this because it resonated with me my entire childhood into my 20s. I was so driven to achieve and win and be the best in sports because then I thought I would get acceptance and love. And so I would work so hard day and night to be the best I could be. And I had these big golden dreams to be a champion in sports, be an all-American athlete,

go to play professional football. And every time i reached my goal which happened a lot i remember it like i would be so depressed and miserable within 15 minutes yeah i would just be like well where's the love you know or whatever you know it's like where's the acceptance like i got it from other people but i still wasn't accepting myself yeah because also like well now next time i have to do it wasn't good enough it was like it's like it's if i run if i ran a half marathon in two hours and i run into 25 then i reached a two-hour mark okay yay but now i have to do it an hour and a half right or you're not and then yeah well we're not so we're not pushing ourselves and we keep resetting but that's the illusion that's the carrot there's the difference between the obsession of chasing

that carrot and the passion of taking each step. You know, one of my other heroes growing up outside my family was Tony Gwynn. And Tony Gwynn… Baseball player. The baseball player of San Diego Padres. Born and raised in San Diego. But the thing about it is that when he played, he enjoyed it. He loved going to practice and enjoyed it.

He smiled. He smiled because he was doing something he loved to do. He's like, can you believe I'm doing this? can you believe i'm getting to do this there was passion you know there was this desire to go out there not to be the best to but to enjoy the opportunity you know you go train and that training really is where the work really happens because when you finally get the time to go into the game or in my case go for that run it's that moment where i let go of all the all the things that hold me back and i'm gonna do it like this is my my chance but when i run right now i'm training for cim california

international marathon up in folsom to sacramento so i have uh next five months training the the marathon itself is five months yeah the whole time on that day what happens is that that's the day i let go i'm like this is the work the fruit of all my labor yeah i'm going to enjoy it because i've been enjoying the whole process because i get to discover myself like one of the beautiful things about running is that you cross that threshold that your mind says you couldn't cross and it's so much fun to cross it you realize wow what else can i do what else can i do what else can i do and then that day comes you're like let's do it that's passion yeah it's passion so you can say that we can either live up and chase that elusive carrot and never get it and say yeah you can finish all those get all those trophies but you never got it never filled inside yeah or you grab that carrot and you're eating it

and that eat that basically fuels every single step you get the chance now does that mean you're gonna not compete of course you're gonna compete it's the opportunity yeah you enjoy it but the difference is that if you win great if you don't win girl but but the thing about is you get to admire and like oh look at how that person did it like you admire the craft yeah it's it's really about that craft like you look at someone like how they did it oh let me learn from that that's a a great technique. Look at that. Look at that. It's not about comparing myself to them. It's about saying, wow, let's see how that, how was that mastering?

How was that craft? And it's a beauty. It's a beautiful thing to be able to look at what you do and see someone else doing it. And we get that opportunity to share and compare and even share the stage to be able to reach it you know and it's it's an awesome opportunity that's cool yeah i was uh i interviewed randy couture who is a six-time ufc champion cool yeah talked about this every time he was entering the octagon he

was just like smiling and like walking out where everyone else had like a hoodie on his like mean face getting ready he was just like bouncing around happy and i was like why are you so happy he goes because i just got i put in so much work that now i got to enjoy the moment yeah and i wanted to fully embrace it enjoy it and like be aware of everything as opposed to just like mean and angry yeah yeah and uh you know and so in my own space or whatever you know and that's the thing it's like in that moment you grab it you know that expression sees the day from dead poet society and it's it's a wonderful opportunity now here's an interesting one how do we have you know with all the things that are happening in the world right now all the killings that seem just you know brutal uh how do

we have unconditional love for others you have a whole chapter on that how do we love others unconditionally when they're killing our family members, our friends, our citizens? How do we just say, oh, we still love you unconditionally, keep doing what you're doing? How do we do that? Well, first, you start doing it with yourself. You can't give what you do not have. You first learn to love yourself unconditionally, which to me, loving unconditionally is the willingness to see myself as I am.

I take off all the filters. All the masks. All the masks. Take it off. Because domestication, conditional love only wants to see what it wants to see myself as I am. I take off all the filters. All the masks. All the masks. Take it off. Because domestication, conditional love, only wants to see what it wants to see. It projects an image, and if you live up to it, great.

If you don't, I'm going to domesticate you until you live up to that image. What do you mean by domesticate you? Well, condition. Gotcha. So if I condition myself to that, myself, and I become aware of that, then I stop conditioning myself, and I begin to see myself as I am. And in doing that, conditioned myself to that in myself and i become aware of that then i i stopped conditioning

myself and i begin to see myself as i am and in doing that i become aware that i control my will when i say yes and i know my no is just as powerful as my yes and because i'm able to say yes and no there's consequences there's consequences of my own actions of my own choices and to respect myself is to allow myself to experience those consequences. There's consequences or there's rewards. There's prices and rewards, right? You can say that reward is the same thing as a consequence. Got it. It's just how you choose to look at it.

Exactly. A consequence is both a positive thing like that reward or you get your electricity turned off. Those both are consequences. It's a result of an action. And I respect myself to be able to experience that as I see myself as I am. And love is this energy that allows me to have a bond with people and within myself. So when I look at other people and I share that,

I take off the mask. I no longer project that mask of who they're supposed to be. I see them for who they are. For example, my mom and dad, I take off the mask of I no longer project that mask of who they're supposed to be. I see them for who they are. For example, my mom and dad. I take off the mask of mom and dad, and I see Miguel and Maria. And they're both in their 60s, 64, and they're in the process of reinventing themselves as they shift from middle age to being elderly and seeing themselves. My father right now, my mother right now are in that process. I'm like, they're becoming empty nesters because my brother's moving out. So to see them as my

peers, to understand where they're going from, to see them as a man and a woman and see how their life is, instead of seeing mom and dad and only seeing that and never seeing who they really are, then I miss out. But to have unconditional love for them is first to take off the mask and see the person they are. And with that comes the respect of their will. I respect their will. That's the other expression of unconditional love. I respect you so much that you are responsible for your will and its consequences. I respect you so much that you will experience

your consequences. Positive or negative. Positive or negative. So from that point of view, you can see the whole spectrum. To be able to respect the will of another individual, respect. Some people say it has to be earned, but then earning respect is the same as conditional love. There's a distortion of it. Respect simply is, I respect you because you're alive at the same time as I do, and you have the same capacity to go in any direction in life. Your no is just

as powerful as your yes. And that's true because it's also true with me. My yes is just as powerful as my no. So if I see that... So you may respect the other human being, but you may respect the other human being, but you may not be aligned with their actions of killing or doing something. Oh, of course.

I disagree completely with many things in the world, of course. But you still respect them as a human is what you're saying. Exactly. Even if they're the worst murderer in the world. Oh, I respect them simply because they're alive and because their choices have been that, they will have the consequences of their choices. There will be a consequence.

For every action we take, there is a reaction. Now, there's people who say, well, what about people like ISIS or this or that? And I'm like, well, they've chosen to use their words in that way, their actions in that way. And they will have a consequence, obviously. And they're experiencing a consequence right now. You have a choice that's how you're going to be friends with them and yeah hang out with them but you respect you're using the word respect them yeah for being alive for respect them for their life and they have their choices

even if we disagree with them but here's the thing we have the choice of either using our word to go against them or using our word that if they're choosing their word to deconstruct a society, then I'm going to use my word to construct a society. I will construct harmony. I will construct love. You can say it's not just ISIS, it's gangs, you know, in the rural areas. There's narcos in Mexico. There are street thugs.

There's things. In Mexico, there are street thugs. There are things. But at the same time, remember that in the 1940s, both Hitler and Gandhi existed. We're watching the duality of humanity at this very moment. We're watching the yin and yang live at this very moment. And that's the truth within humanity. We're both capable of creating the perfect nightmare and the perfect harmonious dream. Which do we choose to construct? And that choice is completely

up to us because that nightmare is within me and that harmonious dream is also within me. I have a choice. So within that choice, I can choose my words to construct that harmony, to use that expression of love. Right now on Facebook, you can explode with all these derogatory things, all these demeaning things. And like there's one video that's got a CIA director says, the thing about everyone she's ever inspected is that everyone thought they were in the right. They didn't think they were wrong. They didn't think they were wrong. People killing people now, they don't think they're wrong.

Yeah, it's death in the name of love. It's conditional love. But if you see it from the point of view of life is perfect because it exists at this moment, and it changes with every new agreement, then everything evolves. Our definition of love changes. Our definition of justice changes. Just like our definition of love changes, our definition of justice changes, just like our definition of beauty changes. Like, for example, the expression, I live in a red state. In 1950s, that meant that you lived in a communist socialist state and then fighting words, depending on who you say that to.

Fast forward to 2016, I live in a red state means that you live in a state that's conservative Republican. The complete opposite. And fighting words, depending on who you say that, of course. But here's the thing. The phrase remains the same, but society has changed so much that it shifted this definition. And if you can see that just with words, it's also true with so many things.

So from that point of view, to take out the word and simply look at the definition, look at the intent behind it, you'll see that there's intent, life, giving it power, the power of my word. For example, the same energy I use to move my legs, to move my arms, is the same energy I use to create a thought. And at the root of every belief I have in my belief system, there's a yes that gives it power. So if you see it from that point of view, at the root of every belief there exists, there's a yes. Like Neil deGrasse Tyson says, the truth exists whether you believe in it or not. Let me add something to that. A belief only exists for as long as I believe it. And as soon as I change that yes into a no,

it ceases to exist. So if there's a belief that separates me from my brother and sister, that creates a divide, I understand that the only thing dividing us is an illusion, a belief that only exists while we believe it. And it'll change. So if we see that, forgive us, Father, we did not know what we do. Man. forgive us father we didn't know what we do man um in the beginning of the uh the book or the first inside flap it says the ancient toltecs it's it's toltecs how i say right the ancient toltecs believe that life as we perceive it as a dream we each live in our own personal dream and these come together to form the dream of the planet or the world in which we live. What is this personal dream and the dream of the planet?

Sure. Well, in our Toltec tradition, the main function of the mind is to dream, which is simply what to us means to perceive and to project. I perceive 360 degrees with my eyes, with my ears, with every single nerve ending. And at the same time, I'm also projecting. So I'm dreaming right now. I'm dreaming when I'm awake because I'm perceiving you right right now i'm see you your eyes your hair and all that i'm seeing light bounce off you and going straight to my retina so i'm seeing light and

when i'm if i see you in my dreams when i'm asleep it's not really you because it's not light what i said i'm perceiving when i'm asleep i don't know but i'm the constant point of perception when i'm awake and when i'm asleep so that don't know. But I'm the constant point of perception when I'm awake and when I'm asleep. So that's what we know as the individual dream, the relationship between me and me. You can also put it this way. If I'm the one talking inside my own mind, who's listening? I am. But if I'm the one who's listening, who's talking?

I am. And that's the individual dream, the relationship between me and me. Now, the dream of the planet is as small as you and I. The main function of your mind is to dream. The main function of my mind is to dream. And when we come together, we create the dream of us. And the only thing that will exist between us are the things that both you and I say yes. If you say no to something or I say no to something, it will not be part of this friendship.

In fact, this friendship only lasts for as long as both you and I say yes. As soon as you change your mind or I change my mind, it ceases to exist. And that's what's so great about a yes, we're a mutual yes. With our free will, we construct in the dream of us. And it's as big as 7 billion people living in this very moment at the very same time. It's what we know as society, culture, and with those agreements, we construct not only our culture and civilization, we create buildings, we create boundaries, we create money, we create all this stuff.

It's the beautiful system that we have. And it's only there by agreement. For example, slavery only ended by two votes. Yes, there was a civil war, but it only ended when Congress got together and did a yay and a nay, yes or no. And it ceased to exist because there was two yay that gave it power. So you can say the dream of the planet is constructed by agreements. And because of agreements, it constantly changes. That's why we see

the perfect nightmare and the perfect harmony at the same time. It's expressed differently across the world. You can say whoever controls the yes controls the dream of the planet. That's why you see so much war. Who is going to control the dream?

There's this battle of who's going to impose his will. Because when I impose my will and you subjugate your will, then we have what the dream of the planet would call peace, but it's really not peace. The way to control the will of another individual is to make them doubt themselves, to make them doubt their own capacity to say yes or no. And you subjugate your will. And every person who tries to impose their will finds his or her perfect host. And you can say, from that point of view, this looks like peace only because there's no act of fight. But it's still a form of disrespect.

There's no respect whatsoever in this. That's why we see so much battle, so much war, a battle of who is going to domesticate who, who's going to win. Aha, I win. No, I win. And we see the history of humanity back and forth. Real peace, that harmonious peace, is to engage each other as equals. And what I mean by equals is that we're both living beings with the same capacity to express our free will, to respect your no is just as powerful as respecting your yes. And that's what me respecting you looks like.

And if I respect your will, that means because I respect my own. I respect my own capacity to say yes and no, and I don't subjugate my will. And I only control to the tips of my fingers, which means I'm not going to impose my will either. I am me, and I'm engaging life. And as I engage you, my fingers, which means I'm not going to impose my will either. I am me, and I'm engaging life. And as I engage you, my equal, we can create it with mutual peace, that mutual respect for one another. And that really is peace. Because we both know that the things both you and I say yes to

are things that will exist between you and I. If you say no to something or I say no to something, it will not be a part of this dream. So that's a harmonious example of a dream. But if we turn on the news, we see the opposite, which is conditional love and the conditioning or domestication where who is going to domesticate who, who's going to control the dream, who's going to control the battle. And of course, we have a war. Of course, we have ISIS and the C crips and the bloods back in the 80s or 90s or the the or the democrats and republicans or uh social conservatives and social liberals or social fiscal conservatives or fiscal liberals or the combination of all that thing it's it's a perfect mito to have a thousand voices all talking at the same time and they'll try not to get your attention

right so and with attention they want want either your yes and your no. So from that point of view, the dream of the planet looks dramatically crazy. But here's the beautiful thing about it. I don't control the dream of the planet. I control my own dream. And I'm the constant in every relationship I am in. every relationship I am in. If I'm able to create harmony within myself and find that form of no longer conditioning myself

and no longer having the need to condition or domesticate someone else, then peace comes because I respect my will, that which allows me to respect the will of another. If I have that for myself, then I'm the constant opportunity for unconditional love in every relationship I am in. And if they choose to see me, if they choose to engage me with that one, then we both engage

each other with unconditional love and the dream changes little by little. Yeah. And that's so beautiful. And that's the thing. While we're all alive, anything is possible. Anything is possible. And that's the beauty of being alive.

At any given moment, everyone can have an aha moment, a moment of clarity. And we choose to forgive each other and we can have peace. Yeah.

And that's a beautiful dream, but the possibility is always there while we're alive. Sure. That's why we keep planting seeds. Yeah.

You know, Martin Luther King says, I have a dream and to a certain degree we're still working towards that dream but we're much closer than we were in 1962 63 exactly so we still work towards that and of course there'll be forces that divide it and distort it you know like i can easily distort the four agreements and turn it into the four conditions of my personal freedom i can use the four agreements and turn it into the four conditions of my personal freedom. I can use the four agreements to domesticate myself. And the telltale sign of that is judging myself for taking it personal, judge myself for not being impeccable, judging myself for making an assumption. That's

the telltale sign. To use those four agreements as an instrument for transformation is becoming aware that I have the choice to take it personal or not to take it personal. I'm free to say yes to either one. And that's personal freedom. And to say yes to not taking it personal or not to take it personal. I'm free to say yes to either one. And that's personal freedom. And to say yes to not taking it personal, that's when that agreement becomes alive. What was the hardest one to master for you? Well, I used to get that question a lot. And I used to say, are they taking things personal or being impeccable with my word?

And then I realized why they were difficult. I was pretending to be something I wasn't. And that's when I became aware of the four conditions, using it to domesticate myself. In the same way you described, motivating yourself to reaching those goals and achieving it. I would do that with the four agreements.

And when I did that, I corrupted them, turned it into the four conditions. So from that point of view, it changed. Like now it's easy because it's just a choice. I get to choose to say yes or no to it. And every time I say yes to it, that agreement becomes alive. Right. And we can see that with the four agreements.

We can totally see that with Deepak Chopra, Wayne Dyer, Marianne Williamson, the Bible, Krishna, Buddha, Siddhartha, Mohammed, psychology, psychiatry, AA. All of them are beautiful instruments that allows us to let go of conditional love and embrace unconditional love. And if we're so attached to them, we can corrupt all of them. But if we learn to listen to it and see them as instruments, they're beautiful instruments for personal transformation. What do you think holds people back from reaching their highest potential in life? What's the main thing that holds people back?

Doubt. One would say fear, but it's really doubt. What do people doubt? Their own capacity to say yes or no. To say yes or no to what? Themselves. To the things they want to say yes to. Gotcha. You see, yes and no is just themselves so the things they want to say yes to gotcha because that's

you see yes and no is just another way to explain our will to have free will to be able to say yes and no with a complete freedom of life and conditioning is changing my yes to a no because a condition tells me to or a no to a yes because a belief tells me to and that's at that point we're subjugating our will. So from that point of view, of course, we're afraid of it or we have doubt because we don't think we have the capacity to make that choice. But to have free will, to have complete confidence in our ability to say yes or no, and from that point of view, it's the same as being able to move my arms, to move my legs, to create a thought.

I'm able to do that and have the confidence to do that. It's simply that trust or faith in myself. So from that point of view, I'm infinite because I can go in any direction in life. I'm that infinite possibility because I'm alive. So you can say that's why people can't because they don't have that trust or that faith in themselves. Right. I want to ask a few more questions. This is fascinating and I want to make sure everyone goes and gets this book, The Mastery of Self.

So make sure to go pick up this book. I want to talk about mass for a second until we wrap it up. I told you I'm writing this new book called The Mask of Masculinity. You know, I told you I'm writing this new book called The Mask of Masculinity. And for many years, I would say 25 plus years, maybe even 28, I was living with many masks on at different times. Depending on situations or who I was surrounding myself with or the setting, I would wear masks. Now, I always felt like I was full of love and joy and was childlike in many areas, but it was more I'd wear a mask when I felt like someone was attacking a part of me that I was afraid they were going to attack or something.

They were attacking my integrity or my manly hood or whatever it was. I would get very defensive and guarded and put on this image or this mask. I'm curious, what is your definition of masculinity? My masculinity? What's your definition of masculinity? What do you think it means to be the true definition of masculinity? What do you think it means to be a real man today? And how do men become aware of their masks and let them go?

Okay. Well, first, what I know as a mask is what we know as an identity. You know, that's what we, in a Totec tradition, we put on a mask basically to describe the formation of the identity we've developed. So it's just a symbol. A symbol, like any word, is an empty definition, an empty symbol whose definition is completely subject to an agreement. That's why certain words have different meanings and different –

a word can be an innocent term here in the States as it is in the United Kingdom. So from that point of view, the word masculinity is going to reflect a truth, the biology of our body. You can say the way our body looks to a certain degree. Now, that definition is going to vary from culture to culture to community, even within families, what that looks like. You know, some people will call the alpha male, the beta male, the macho guy, whatever.

In my culture, the macho guy, the Pedro Infante, Jorge Negrete, living up to those images. The Lucha Libre. Yeah, that type of thing, yeah. So we create symbols, and we project what masculinity is to them. But then you have a masculinity that is different because right now we live in a time where we're not influenced by a small little group of space of people within a radius of miles.

Like it used to be hundreds of years ago. Yeah, exactly. Like it used to be hundreds of years ago. Yeah, exactly. We are surrounded by 7 billion people who are now able to interact with one another. And the definition of masculinity changes from person to person, both from the men and the women, from the individual to whatever. Right now, the definition of what a successful man looks like changes. You know, it used to look like the man who bring home the bacon and whatever, whatever nuclear image that the 1950s gave us.

And it began to change nowadays with who can write the best code. And also you have the great total success, like, oh, I'm trying to remember their names, Steve Jobs and such. It just changed. Like that level of success looks dramatically different from someone in the 1950s

or John D. Rockefeller type of thing. It changes from person to person. So masculinity to me is just simply the expression of this body, this being that I was born into this body, you can say. But that is always open to a different point of view because my definition of a man in my teenage years when I was trying to live up to an image of what is acceptable, what isn't acceptable, that boys don't cry, like Robert Smith would say, to what it is now. For me, the definition of man is basically raising my children,

helping my wife, and being able to create for them and provide for them. It's changed because I've changed. And in about 10 years, it will change again because I won't be providing for my family. My family will be taking care of themselves. My son and my daughter will be off to college, and they will be starting to create their own life. And me and my wife will be reinvent care of themselves. My son and my daughter will be off to college and they will be starting to create their own life. And me and my wife will be reinventing ourselves.

The thing about it is the definition will once again reinvent itself. It'll change again, again and again and again and again. So that's why it's such an illusion. That's why it's such a hard thing to pinpoint or put into a definition because it always will reflect the same different stage we are in in our life when i was a teenage boy it's a wasn't not just about getting the grades but you know having a girlfriend it was about also being able to play soccer right play the 90 minutes if i could play three games on one day phenomenal and be able to do that as on top of the college and all that kind

of thing it's then in my 20s it looked different it was about not it wasn't about the sports anymore it was about all right gotta get my cred gotta pay my dues as a production assistant it was about getting the job done getting it done right getting it done to the point where i enjoy it and i can say that's my name. I did that. Boom. Stamp it. In my 30s, it looked differently because now I'm like, oh, I've got my kids. My success is being able to give food to my children, to my wife, be able to – both of us, we live in a society where both of us work.

So it's about the whole general group of us, which is my wife, myself, my kids, and we help each other. Mind you, this is where you can say the definition always changes too. There's people out there who believe, no, the wife doesn't work. It's all the man. Well, there's also the definition like, well, my wife does so much better. I'll stay at home, take care of the kids while she goes brings the bread, but I i will take care of this family i will take home for the team because it's the team that will survive we survive by providing the things like i have a friend who is a musician who is great phenomenal his wife is a lawyer and she's the one who goes off and does the work brings the money

because he's not a lawyer he's a musician and when he has the chance he goes out and plays and does his passion then during the day he's going to help with's a musician and when he has the chance he goes out in place and does his passion then during the day he's going to help with the kids because well they they have that nice balance and it's beautiful it's it's a great thing if if he was so attached to that image of masculinity he totally get in the way like woman you're not working even if you're smart enough to be a lawyer you're not working and we're gonna survive on my voice and my guitar and there you go it may not survive may not work yeah but the willingness to listen to the willingness to engage we realize that the definition changes over and over and over so you can say we put on different masks because different people project a different mask onto us

and when we're domesticated or conditioning, we believe every single one of them. To take it off is the willingness to see myself without that mask. You can say, I take off the mask when I realize that I won't find myself in the mask. I'll find myself in saying either yes or no to it, my will, the energy. And when I take off the mask, I am formless. I have no form. Formless. Formless, yeah.

My body may have a form, but my mind and my energy, yeah. Like water. I change. I'm formless. I engage to the relationship. My daughter, my wife, and my mom, all three women who I love very much will see me dramatically different. My daughter will see me as the father,

my wife as the husband, and my mother as the son. And if you understand domestication, I can domesticate myself with my mom's perception, which will be in conflict with my wife's perception of me, the husband, which was kind of skewed with my daughter. Now, if I try to live up to all three of them, then I'm pretending to be something I am not,

and there's going to be conflict. It's exhausting. It's exhausting. But if I take off the mask and realize that I am the man, I'm the constant between the three, I realize that they project the mask onto me, but it's up to me whether or not I put it on or not. Say yes or no to it.

Yeah, exactly. And I engage it because I engage my daughter because I love her so much. And what makes me of her father is because I'm the willing to engage her and raise her and love her as such I engage my wife and I engage her as the husband her beloved

her lovey and I love her and I engage her and I respect her and that's gonna my relationship she's gonna bring out that element of me and my mother's gonna do something similar but from a point of view of a mother and a son i'm the constant between the three and they project a mask onto me now do i put it on and condition myself with it or i just simply respect that's the way they see me and may

not be the way i see myself but i respect their projection, their perception of me, because I don't control their perception. I only control to the tips of my fingers. So from that point of view, my definition of myself is, there's no definition. I'm just the experience of being me. Interesting. I like that. Final few questions.

What are you most grateful for in your life recently? Recently? What I'm grateful for? The ability to wake up and go to sleep yeah yeah a few weeks ago i i was having tactic like the like a heart palpitations yeah so i let go of alcohol because i became aware that that's the the the catalyst i have sleep apnea. And I'm not a hard drinker. I used to drink whenever I am around friends.

But if I drink two glasses of wine, I get the palpitations. So I became aware of that combination. So I stopped drinking. So I'm grateful for the opportunity to be able to be alive. It basically is that sleep apnea and alcohol do not mix. So, I'll take out one of them and then I take care

of the other one by taking like, well, that's one reason why I started running because I want, besides the fact that I love to run,

I also wanted to take care of my body. So, Lose weight, lose the sleep apnea usually. Yeah, exactly. That's the thing.

So, that's why I'm grateful. I'm grateful to be alive. That's cool. This is called the three truths question. Okay. This is something I ask everyone at the end. Say it's the final day for you many, many years from now.

And you have everyone there you care about. And for whatever reason, every book you've ever written has been erased. Everything you've created is gone from time. And your great, great whoever comes to you and says, here's a piece of paper and a pen. Will you tell us your three truths? The three things you know to be true about everything you've experienced that you'd pass on to us.

Since we don't have any more of your books or anything else you've ever said, these are the only three things that we'll be able to remember your work by. Sure. What would be those three truths? Enjoy every moment. That's the whole point of all the work we do, to enjoy life. We do this work to enjoy being ourselves,

which allows us to enjoy the company of the people we love. So enjoy life. The other truth is, I am only responsible to the tips of my fingers, which means I'm only responsible for my own will. And I'm a co-creator in everything I do with every person I know. We co-created together. Love is never conditional until you make it so, which means it'll always be unconditional. those are great those are good thank you

before i ask the final question i want to acknowledge you for a moment miguel i want to acknowledge you for creating your own way for creating your own way for seeing yourself for who you really are in your late 20s and for sharing with all of us your incredible work well thank you because you have so much wisdom and you have so much inner passion and inner joy, and it's great to see you bring it to life. Thank you. So I acknowledge you for constantly showing up and being present and in flow and sharing with us a beautiful gift that you have.

Oh, it's my pleasure. Thank you. I always enjoy the opportunities because I never know when I'm going to get another one. So let's do the best we can. I like it. I like it. Yeah. I want to make sure everyone, I have one question left for you, and I want to make sure everyone

gets this book, The Mastery of Self, the Toltec Guide to Personal Freedom. Highly recommend it. It's a shorter on the books, so you don't have to go. It'll take you probably a few hours. A lot of great stuff. A lot of great stuff. A lot of the things that I talk about, there's in here as well,

talking about visualization, grounding practice and mantra, goal setting, taking off the masks, mastering yourself. There's a lot of great stuff in here, a different perspective. So I highly recommend checking this out.

Final question for you, my friend, is what's your definition of greatness? My definition of greatness, I can honestly don't know the actual word, but I can tell you the experience of it. Greatness is basically being able to have this moment of clarity and realize, wow, look at where I'm at. Look at what I'm doing wow what else can I do that's to me what greatness is all of a sudden being able to do the best with what you've got enjoy it, do it

and when you wake up and you look at it you're like wow it's to see it from the point of view of a child and from the point of view of a child it's to see it it's to still be in awe of everything in the world. To be in awe of what you've created. To be in awe of yourself.

To be in awe of the people in your life and what they've created. To be in awe of everything. That's the beautiful thing. That's why kids always ask questions. Because they want, no, what is that? What is this?

What is that? We're in awe of it. To me, that's what greatness is. All of a sudden to be in awe of myself because I'm alive. You're alive. What else can we do? Miguel, thanks for coming on, man. Appreciate it.

Thank you so much. Appreciate it for the opportunity. And congratulations to you for everything you're doing. It's awesome. I appreciate it. You are greatness. Thanks, man. Appreciate it.

Appreciate it. There you have it. I hope you enjoyed this interview as much as I enjoyed it. Make sure to share this with your friends, lewishouse.com slash 358. Again, all the show notes, the video interview, the links to connect with Don Miguel Ruiz Jr., and how to get his book is back at lewishouse.com slash 358. If you feel like this information would be helpful for your friends,

share it out. If you know other people that are on a journey of mastering themselves and want to get to that next level in their life, then send them this interview. I also had the pleasure

the other day of interviewing a legend and a hero of mine, Larry King. He's done over 60,000 interviews in 60 years, and it's amazing some of the stories that he shared. So get ready for an incredible, insightful interview with the legendary Larry King coming very soon. If you're brand new here and this is your first time listening, make sure to say hi to me over on Twitter and let me know what you thought about this interview and about the podcast. Also, make sure to subscribe over on iTunes, Stitcher, or SoundCloud because we post every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. And I don't want you to miss a single episode of inspiration on how to achieve greatness in your life.

So thank you so much for being here. Thank you for showing up, for living powerfully, passionately, and with purpose. And you know what time it is. It's time to go out there and do something great. Outro Music