The School of Greatness - 40 Danielle LaPorte: Desire Creates Everything

Episode Date: November 26, 2013

Finally, another goddess on the School of Greatness. She's an author, speaker, entrepreneur and blogger who mixes self development with spirituality in a way that shines with purpose and passion. It's an honor to have the creator of the Desire Map, Danielle LaPorte.

This is episode number 40 with Danielle Laporte. Welcome to the School of Greatness. My name is Lewis Howes, a former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur. And each week we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin. What is up, greats?

Thanks so much for tuning in today. I really appreciate all the love and the support with your promotion and your sharing of these episodes online. So continue to share and post pictures on Instagram of where you're listening to the show. And be sure to give me a shout out at Lewis Howes all over the place online when you do. Now, today's episode, we've got a great guest.

Her name is Danielle Laporte. And I've known Danielle for a couple of years, mostly through Marie Forleo, which I have yet to get on the show. And I'm gonna have to get Marie on sometime soon. But Danielle is an amazing, inspiring, beautiful, loving individual, and she just brings so much joy and passion and intuition to her work and to her information that she shares with the world.

She's got an amazing website over at daniellelaporte.com. And in today's episode, we're really tapping into goal setting in a whole new way that you've never thought about before. And it starts with understanding your desires, your desire to be fully alive and how you need a vision to fulfill your desires. So I go pretty deep with Danielle today and get in some juicy stuff here in just a moment with her about really how to achieve your dreams, your desires, and be fully alive. So make sure to stick around for that and, uh, hang around to the very end.

So you can learn about the show notes and what I want you guys to do with this. But this is it. This is the moment. Tune in, listen with your heart, open it up. And I want to introduce you to the one and only Danielle LaPorte.

Thanks again, everyone, for tuning in to the School of Greatness. And I'm very excited today to bring in a female guest. Yes, there's not that many that come on the show, but I'm very excited to bring in Danielle LaPorte. How's it going, Danielle? Good. I think you need more chicks on your show, but I'm very excited to bring in Danielle Laporte. How's it going, Danielle? Good. I think you need more chicks on your show, so I'm happy to be one of them. I'm looking constantly for more awesome chicks. And to be honest, I just haven't found that many.

So if you know a handful of them, say hello to them. I hope that's not a metaphor for your life. That's a whole other conversation. But I'm very excited about this. And I believe I met you a few years ago through Marie Forleo at her event. I heard you speak a couple of times at her events. And we've been kind of Instagram buddies ever since and Twitter friends or whatever.

So I feel like I know you, but we've only really talked for probably about 10 minutes in total. So I'm excited to learn more about all of your wise thoughts. And the desire map is what I'm really excited about. Now, this is a program you've had for a while now, right? It's been out for about a year. Been out for a year. And now you're repackaging it and turning it into a different type of traditional publishing book and audio

program that's coming out in January. But one of the things that I like about this, the desire map is it's all about, it's like you say right here, a guide to creating goals with soul. And for me as an athlete, I've been, I'm a big goal setter. It's all about the goals for the game, for my strength, for my speed, whatever it is. There's always a goal to reach. And I feel like you have a different approach to setting goals. Is that right? Than most. I do than most.

And the way I set goals might actually still work with being an athlete. So, yeah, I think for me, the bottom line is this, that the approach to achievement has got to be anchored to how you most want to feel. So, you know, I'm onto something that I call your core desired feelings. And what I see happen a lot is that we get in this mindset of enduring, not just physical endurance, but, you know, we suck it up, we soldier on and we've, you know, our first step to goal setting is to look at all of the external stuff that we want. And a lot of those external things are coming from messages that have been passed down from our families, cultural things, and they may have nothing to do with who we actually are as a being. And we can spend, this is the tragedy of the human spirit, we can spend a

whole lifetime chasing dreams that aren't even ours. Dreams that like came down. You know, it's, you know, it's the classic of like the dude who goes to med school because, you know, he's been raised to carry that on. You know, and it's like it has nothing to do. He wants to be a bass player or he wants to be a basketball player. Right. You know, the family business tradition where the father passes it on to the kids, but they really don't care about it. Yeah. So what you have happening is a lot of Prozac and a lot of emptiness.

You can hit it out of the park and you can reach your so-called goals. And you don't feel that talking awesome when you get there. And that's no way to live a life. And so what's driving my theory is that I think everything that you're doing, whether you're hitting the court or you're going to make your first six figures or your first million or fall in love or whatever it is, absolutely everything you do is being driven by a desire to feel a certain way. And so why don't you get clear on how you want to feel? And then all of your aspirations are driven by that clarity. And it doesn't mean that,

you know, you don't, nothing's guaranteed, but you, you exponentially increase your odds of feeling amazing when you get where you want it to go. of feeling amazing when you get where you want it to go. Yeah. And I love your language of desire because, you know, going through your, your book, there was a part where you said you need desire to be fully alive and you need vision to fulfill your desires. And when I read that, I was like, yes, you know that you just made it very clear the way I've been feeling I just didn't know how to explain it so simply and I really loved that you talk about that because let's talk about first what is desire and how do you figure out what your desire is oh there's two big questions uh I desire is everything desire you know to put it in the grandest terms desire desire is an

evolutionary impulse it's you know anybody who's listening to this right now you just like sit and look around everything you see around you was created because somebody had a desire first you have you know you can do this chicken egg well like what comes first the idea or the desire doesn't matter great art great love stories architecture businesses all the impulse of desire and there's healthy desires and there's unhealthy desires but it's all driven all goes back to wanting to feel something i mean we do unhealthy things because we want to feel good um so desire is really this drives everything it's like the essence of creating right it is like it is it's creativity itself and then how do you get clear there's a couple layers to that one you have to give yourself permission to start wanting what you want, right? So, you know, people can think right now, it's like, okay, I want the money, I want the

babe, I want the bucks, whatever it is. And what I've seen, so, you know, I used to work a lot one-on-one with entrepreneurs. And for one year, this is crazy. I almost died. For one year, I went to 16 cities. I went where any, anybody who would have me, I just post on my blog, like who wants to jam? I will come to your town. And I did these, the, I called them fire starter groups and I did them in people's living rooms. I did them in boardrooms. I did them in a pole dancing studio in Manhattan beach, which was totally weird. And after 16 cities and a few thousand people, I saw this pattern, which was, you know, these are people who were like declared entrepreneurs and they were still wanting permission to

want what they wanted. And I was kind of shocked. I was shocked at like how often, how many living rooms I heard this and I'm just like, well, should I want to quit my day job and be a photographer? Should I want to quit my photography business and go get an MBA? It's like, what do you mean should? Like, if you want it, just start there with like, I want it and I want it with all my heart. And once you're in that place, then your brain starts firing differently and you get ideas. And then I think, you know, in my belief system, I think you start like emitting a different energy

and synchronicities happen and the right people show up and, and you, you pull big shit off. What's interesting. I mean, when you talk about desire for me, I think dreams, I talk a lot about dreams of fulfilling your dreams. And to me, it really means the same thing. Correct me if I'm wrong. Um, but people want to fulfill this desire of being a photographer or being an artist or a bass player or whatever it may be, or quitting their job to do something that they really desire or they really dream about. And, but then the conversations jump in for a lot of people of fear, fear of failure, fear of doubt, fear of how people are going to, or not going to accept them. So what do you talk

about or how do you lead people into fulfilling their desire and taking the action plan to achieving their desires? I think, I think dreams and desires are their first cousins. Yeah. I think fear is natural. So I don't buy into this ideology at all that fearlessness is the goal because it's bullshit. You can't do anything without fear. I mean, even just like your basic primal stuff, like what Seth Godin calls your lizard brain, like it's there. even just like your basic primal stuff, like what Seth Godin calls your lizard brain, like it's there and it keeps you,

it keeps you out of dark alleys and it keeps you alert on the field and like it's there. So you're never not going to be fearless. I think it's about, you know, what I call fear leadership instead of fear management. So this is another bill of goods we've been served from motivational speakers around fear. Like, you know, fearlessness is the achievable. No, it's not. And that, you know, what happens in all of that is you end up repressing your fear. And when you repress

your fear, it's going to come up and it's going to bite your ass just when you need to be free of it. So my approach to fear is you accept that it's going to come and that it's natural and it's part of it and you actually look for it. And then I analyze my fear when it shows up. It's got something to tell you. It's like this great philosopher, Kierkegaard, so anxiety comes with a message. So like, why don't you just ask your fear why it's there? And what does it got to say? Okay, well, I fear looking bad.

I'm afraid of losing. And you can drill down and like get to the real, like what the real fear is. And when you get there, you totally, you disarm it. You've seen it. You've brought it in light. You go, oh, this is just about father issues this is about you know this is about me i'm just so afraid i'm never gonna get the love i want this is about i'm terrified of looking bad because if i look bad then all these other

things happen and then you go wow i get. And then you put fear in the back seat and then you put something else in the front seat, like emotions that are going to be way more helpful, like enthusiasm and sexy and courage and creativity and whatever. Interesting. So how does someone disarm it then though? So say like, I want to go forward and go after this desire, but you know, I got made fun of on the playground when I was a kid and I don't want to get made fun of again because that's what I'm really afraid of. So how does someone like overcome that? No, that's when you have to like really, and this is like, you know, this may sound weird,

but that's where the practice of presence coming comes in. That's where you have to be a grown up and say, okay-up and say, okay, I have the wound from the playground. I have the wound from not getting on the New York Times bestseller list before or the whatever, but I'm here now. And this is me, this age, this city, and this is what I want and then like this gets into the whole thing too this is another thing i you know another issue i have with like motivational new age stuff is a common answer to this question would be well then you affirm right then you affirm i've got this we've won the game um i've met the pert you know i'm i love you know you could be size 14 and be saying i'm so happy i'm a size five and you're and your brain is saying to you you're so full of shit you're

lying to yourself and so that's where i think it's about presence and declaration so you can say i mean to use the athlete's metaphor uh you can say it's not about I've won the game. It's about, I want to win this game. I want to win this game more than I wanted to win any game. And what happens there is you really like, desire becomes your fuel. And you leave some room for doubt. And that's part of being whole. And when you leave room for doubt you know those voices are going to come say you know dude you lost the last game and you know what that does makes you stronger because you will combat that thought lost last yeah it doesn't matter last game doesn't matter i want to win this game

now so i think it's like this creative tension that happens, which is brilliant. Sure. Now, something that, you know, in my teens and my twenties, I had a very, I would say small vision. I can have, my vision was a couple of years ahead of me. It was like, okay, I want to graduate high school and be a, you know, a college athlete. I want to get a scholarship. And then it was, I want to be a pro athlete after college. And it was always like a few years ahead was like my vision. And I think a lot of people, you said you need vision to fulfill your desires. So without vision, you can't fulfill your wildest dreams, your wildest desires. You can't really be fulfilled. It looks like if you don't have a

vision. So how does someone design their vision and create it if they have no clue what they want? It goes back to the feeling. So I think with a little bit of contemplation, most people can figure out how they want to feel. And now some of it, it is a challenge for some people. So some people are totally numbed out. Now, it is a challenge for some people. So some people are totally numbed out. We're not conditioned. I mean, nobody in all of my personal development workshops, in all of my years of going to school,

although I didn't go to school that long, I never even went to college, nobody ever asked me how I wanted to feel. So we're not trained. But I think with a bit of inquiry um you can at least begin to get some clarity that you want to feel courageous you want to feel energized you want to feel connected you want to feel beautiful whatever it is right and then and then the next question and i think this is the life enhancing notice i didn't say life changing i said life enhancing this is the life enhancing question is what are you going to do to feel that way so it's like you know good example is lots of people want to own a home right and especially

us north americans it's where this is drilled into us that owning a home is like this great achievement. So let's say one of your desired feelings is connection and you've had this longstanding goal to own a home. Maybe to feel connected, what you need to do is not have a mortgage and you need to travel the world and be free and meet new people and connecting cultures and see your friends in Italy. It's not about the mortgage and you let that gold die. Or maybe owning a home and having a mortgage is exactly what you need to do to feel connected because it's about nesting and it's about community and it's about all those things you do when you have a place.

But you've got to measure all your existing goals against the clarity of how you want to really feel. And I know, like, I've asked enough people now, I can tell you, like, survey says five out of ten people have never asked themselves how they want to feel. Like even, you know, I love getting all, you know, I get these great emails and stories and from people who are desire mapping and, and I love the stories with the couples,

you know, the women who say, I sat down with my guy this week and he thinks he hasn't really asked himself how I want to feel since he was like 13. Wow. And, you know, he's got a big job and he's got a big team and this changes things.

And maybe now it's not about being the VP or maybe now it's about being president. But we can't go through life without this kind of clarity. It's interesting. I don't think I've ever really asked myself, how do I want to feel? I think I just say, this is how I want to feel. So I'm going to create these feelings for myself on a daily basis. But I think there's probably a lot of people that don't even go there. Like they don't even know what they want to feel something, but they're just, they continue to stay in the same patterns over and over, whether it be job or relationship or family or community, whatever it may be, same victim stories and these same limiting beliefs over and over.

And it's interesting because I like your approach to this of how do you want to feel first to creating your desire, to creating your vision, as opposed to just saying what you, your dream is to do something in the world, to create something. But if that's not going to create the feelings that you want, then you're going to be left empty. Correct? That's right. That's exactly it. Yeah.

It's very interesting. Yeah. So really the desired feeling comes first and the dream comes second. And, you know, in that victim mentality that you just mentioned, that is so much of what goes on. It's like, I'm going to make this gross over generalization it's like you know half of us are frantic and the other half of us are asleep i mean they're both a form of unconsciousness but that frantic way is he's got that and she's got that and the kardashians have this and and all these bloggers are doing that you know so i should I should, you know, fill in the blank.

And then there's this other group of us who are just numb and we're just going through it, you know, and, and, and, oh, no, can't don't please. I'm begging. Don't wake up. This is really interesting. Actually, now that I'm thinking about experiences that I've had, interesting actually now that I'm thinking about experiences that I've had because my goal and my dream I guess from my desire my entire life was to be an all-american to be a pro athlete to achieve these accomplishments as an athlete and then I remember when I achieved them I was I felt so empty and sad I remember I was an all-american in the decathlete or in the decathlon and then right afterwards my family was there and we like went out to dinner and I was just. I remember I was an All-American in the decathlete or in the decathlon. And then right afterwards, my family was there and we went out to dinner and I was just sad. I remember I did not want to be at the dinner table. I was so empty feeling and I didn't know

why. But now looking back, I realized that the reason I wanted to be an All-American was because I really wanted love and I really wanted connection and I wanted to be accepted and I wanted to have these feelings of family. But, you know, my, my, my, I guess the driver was coming from a negative place of like anger and resentment because I didn't have that as a child. And so it was like, I was coming from this negative place, this negative passion of trying to achieve something so that I could receive a feeling. As opposed to just feeling that way constantly while I was doing it and going after the dream and the desire that way. So it's very interesting that you talk about this because it's kind of clicking for me about like why I felt certain ways my whole life. It's very interesting. Lewis, i mean that's i love you for

that story it's like that's the eureka right and so you can when you take that story and that's the same story that the dude who like went for his mba you know i have a friend who's like i'm gonna get my mba and my dad's to be at graduation and I'm going to feel like I've arrived. And the father's there at graduation and you know what they get? Nothing. They get that empty feeling. They're just like, God, I just did my whole MBA program. Yeah. And I can preach about this because I have my own stories of emptiness and how I chase things. And now, like, you know, in my, I don't even really call it, in my vocation, I don't really identify with career. But it's like before we do anything, I'm just like, that's not going to make me feel the way I want to feel.

That's all glamorous and that's all cool. But, you know, like one of my core desired feelings is communion. I really want to feel. That's all glamorous and that's all cool. But one of my core desired feelings is communion. I really want to feel connection. And that's eluded. That's been elusive. And I realized it's because I've made screwed up choices about what was going to make me feel connected. So now one of my metrics is one of the things that makes me feel most connected in my life is i am there most days at three o'clock to pick my kid up from school and so bam like my whole business works around that right and now it's there for like you know who you're going to be with romantically it's like if it's i'm like an eight second person is there in the first eight seconds

or it's a no. So it's like, because I'm committed to feeling my core desired feelings. And you're talking about relationships. Yeah. It's there in eight seconds or it's not when you meet someone, you mean, or just when you're around them? Uh, well, both. Right.

I think, I mean, my eighth second rule has been with me for a long time. you meet someone you mean or just when you're around them uh well both right i think i mean my eighth second rule has been with me for a long time and i have the the times i haven't followed it have been at my own peril so it's like you know i hired a dude to be the ceo of my last company and it wasn't there in the first eight seconds in the first eight seconds he I didn't like his handshake he was late the eye contact wasn't good he was using like some negative just language but I was like oh I need you I need you to run my company some people have spoken highly of you I ignored the eight seconds. And that did not turn out well at all.

That turned into a lot of bad legal stuff. Wow. So it was eight seconds really just your intuition, initial intuition? Yeah. Gotcha. Interesting. I like that rule. I'm going to have to start applying it. And that's pretty much worked 100% of the time for you?

Well, the story doesn't always end in the way I think it's going to end. You know, like I've hired people who like in the first, you know, the first, that first eight seconds, it's a yes. My body is saying yes. The evidence say it like my intuition is just like, yes, you're awesome. Let's work together. And three months later, it hasn't worked out. But that like journey with that person always led to higher ground it's like oh i get why we were supposed to work together because you led me to that other opportunity or you learned what you needed to learn so you can go off and do your own thing right now will you give me an example of your experience that you've had where um

you weren't following the feelings and you did something that really screwed up or really hurt you in a way that you didn't want to experience? Is there... Yeah, I got a few. Is there one that really sticks out that maybe not everyone knows about that's really intimate and emotional for you?

Intimate and emotional? Well, I mean, really, honestly, the most clear examples for me are professional. So, I mean, I've been in long-term relationships, romantic and otherwise, where I just overrode my feelings. It's like, this is not feeling awesome on a regular basis. I do not feel in communion. I'm not feeling in joy I cannot be in my divine feminine and I you know you override that over time until you just go like nothing about this feels the way I want it to feel and you make your hard choices professionally for me what's most relevant is you know the new version

of the desire map is coming out. This is like, this is my third, fourth book. And I've had to have some really intense conversations with my new publisher who's come on about how we're going to go after success with this and what success looks like. And for most authors, you know, like success is the New York Times bestseller list and how that shapes your career and all the doors that it opens, blah, blah, blah. And I've played that game before. And when I went after the New York Times list for the Firestarter sessions, I had to do all sorts of things that did not feel good to me. And I did them because that was the goal. And I was going to reach that goal no matter what and say what I needed to say

and ask my audience to like go in and buy this amount on this date. And it was killing me along the way. It was not a joyful process because I just wanted to be able to say, hey, everybody, buy as many books as you want. Buy them in any form you want. Buy them in any form you want. Buy the Kindle, buy the hard cut, buy it now, buy it next month.

Right. Buy it in a way that works for you. And you can't do that when you have to fit through this algorithm. And so I had to have that conversation recently with my new publisher and just say, my goal is get this to as many people as possible and be in a state of joy doing that. And it conflicts with the old system and I'm not doing it that way. But did you make the list, the New York Times and the Firestarter? No, I didn't make the list. And the pain point was we sold enough copies. I would have been in the top five that week. But this is a very common story, right? This is part of how the list works.

It's part of the game of publishing. And how did it make you feel when you did not make the list and knowing that that was like your intention? I cried in my car, Lewis. My editor called me and said, you know, you know, it's going to happen at five 30 Eastern time on the Wednesday when they make the announcements, like getting nominated for your Oscar, you know? And I'm in my car and in this shocked voice, she's like, we didn't hit it. I was like, what? We sold how many copies? How many thousands of copies did we sell? And we didn't hit the list. And I was just like, I got to cry. I got to go. And because you think your future is over.

Oh, my God, I'm not going to get foreign rights deals. And then this really wounded, you know, dark part of me is like, is the book even good? You know, like, which you get over really quickly. Like, I made something beautiful. I stand by it. Sure. But the after, the revelation of that was, you know what? I'm just going to make what I make and hustle it in the way that feels good. And it's so much better. Now, if you think you would have come from a different intention, launching the book,

as opposed to, I'm going to do whatever it takes to become a New York Times bestseller, to, I'm going to promote this in a joyful way every single day because that's what I want to do. And I want to get it out to the most people possible. If you would have done that and not hit the list, how do you think you would have felt? Hmm. Would you still cry? Would you have been like, oh, that's kind of a bummer, but you know, I'm doing what

I love. Oh no, I wouldn't have cried because it wouldn't have been the goal. It wasn't the goal. Yeah, I wasn't attached. The tears come from over-attachment. That's a metaphor for life. Interesting. And I wouldn't have been,

I felt at that point, I would feel, I've crossed this finish line, such as it was, and I'm exhausted, I'm depleted. I'm not in a happy state, because I haven't been going about this in a way that's like, you know, life affirming. Yeah, so it's a recipe for disaster. It really and guess, you know, many great things came out of it, which is I really, really at that point analyzed my relationship to goal setting and that became the desire map and a million things have come out of

that. Yeah. Wow. Interesting. Now I'm going to take this off a little bit because I feel like you have this amazing feminine energy and this feminine wisdom. So I want to try to tap into this for a minute. What do you think is the difference maker between the guy or the girl who has it all, who is successful in business, life, family, everything, but like to the next level, like super successful on all levels and predominantly financially successful as well. That's very prominent that they're, you know, crushing it financially, but they have it all. What is the all levels and predominantly financially successful as well. That's very prominent that they're crushing it financially, but they have it all. What is the difference between them and just the average Joe? And I want to tap into, for some reason, I feel like you're going to talk about a balance between feminine and masculine energy combined and knowing when to balance it,

both emotionally and physically, but I'd love to hear what you think it is. Well, I mean, first we have to question your assumptions about success, right? So let's just say, let me put my qualifiers on that. Success is that like they're really fulfilled and they're doing something that's really meaningful for them, whether they're making 50K a year or 1.5 million a year. There's a lot of joy happening. There's a lot of meaning happening. Okay. So let me throw another qualifier onto the average Joe. Let's just, I want to reframe average Joe as like, you know, dude, person, woman is like not happy. There's not, they're not fulfilled.

Okay. So we've got fulfilled and we have unfulfilled. Um, and then we have, I would like to say fulfilled plus also has taken care of like on the financial means and things like that because there's some people who are fulfilled who are like poor and that's fine but i'm just want to clarify the difference for what the question i guess okay okay so they got they're rocking the money all right i'm with you so what's the question um so what does it take what's the difference maker the x factor between someone who is fulfilled and not fulfilled but someone who's fulfilled and crushing it on all levels.

Courage. Courage. Okay. So, and this is where it does get down to the feminine and masculine. Perfect. The difference is courage. And again, you know, and I think this has been said many times, like it's not, courage isn't about not experiencing fear. It's about experiencing fear and about doing it anyway. So that means, you know, you pick up the phone, you show up on stage, you're the first person to

say, I love you, to say, I'm scared, whatever. Okay. So it's all, those are all intimate acts, whether you're getting on stage to give a talk or, you know. And for me, and I can only speak about this really personally, for me in my career in business, I want to be who I am in all ways. And who I am is a woman. And what I identify most with is feminine energy. What feels best coursing through my system is what I would call Shakti, feminine energy. And that has to do with intuition. It has to do with inclusivity. It has to do with reception. It has to do with tenderness. It has to do with a knowing and a knowing that holds the pace and holds the rhythm and so that means you know in terms of relationship I love contrast right so I'm not in you know I

went to a woman's conference and it was like 5,000 chicks and they have your classic keynote women and they're all you know they're all working for fortune 500 companies and you know my typical experience is i'm just like i'm i'm i'm disgusted and aghast by the advice that they're giving this room full of 5,000 women they're basically standing up there they look like men they're giving this room full of 5,000 women. They're basically standing up there. They look like men. They're all in black suits. And they're telling women how to get ahead by basically being men in disguise. And this is why we have economic problems.

This is why women are depressed and overweight, and no one's having the sex they should be having. And we've got a mediocre business climate. Because first of all, you're asking women to forsake the most powerful part of themselves, which is everything I just called feminine. And you're asking them to play an old game in an old structure and keep this charade up. And that is not where a revolution is going to start. A revolution starts when women show up as women, when they leave the business force and start their own businesses, or when they show up and say, you know what? How about a triple bottom line, guys? And I'm not saying that this is easy.

I mean, I'm talking about I talk to women. guys. And I'm not saying that this is easy. I mean, I'm talking about, I talk to women, every time I do a gig, I get, I get the corporate contingent comes up to me and says, but how am I going to make this change on Monday morning in this fortune X hundred company that I'm in? And all I can say is, first of all, you got to decide how intensely you want to make that change. Secondly, you got to decide if you really want to stay, because you might need to leave to be who you are. And thirdly, it is not going to be easy. And you're going to be met with resistance. But are you not going to, like, are we all going to just act like we're men? And also in that conversation, which is so classic now this is you know act like men and you'll you'll get there I'm really tired of the men bashing that happens of the

jokes about how men get things done it's like are you kidding me I mean the masculine is a big part of making things happen. The masculine executes, the masculine is focused. It really does know how to get from A to B. You know, the answer is that we need both, but I will say, I think the masculine should let the feminine lead more and let them keep, um, there's something that women want. There's a way that we want to move through the world. There's a way that we want to give. There's a way that we want to include. We include the children. We include the environment. We include nourishment. And that's what is missing in masculine business, is that inclusivity. Now, if women are leading more, are they going to turn into more masculine?

Well, you can't lead without it. I mean know i just got off a call this morning and i really had to like you know i had to bring my masculine to bear i gotta like be a warrior and i have to negotiate and i have to say okay who's doing what by when but i don't want to have to be that all the time and if i am that all the time i get brittle and i get cranky and i get unsexy and i don't want to live my life that way. So, so there's a balance.

Uh, balance is a tricky word. I, I want to be like, I want to be 80 feminine and 20 masculine. That's the proportion that works for me. Oh, no.

What's your biggest fear? And you know, my biggest fear is not getting what I want. What do you want? I want the communion. I want to reach my potential this lifetime. I want to die feeling full, but having given it all. Used up, huh?

Yeah, yeah. So do you feel like you're doing everything, you're being communion right now in order to receive it? I'm a work in progress, Lewis. So, you know, I'm, yes. Yeah. I'm sort of batting my eyelashes now. It's like, yeah. Yeah.

I mean, at the end of the day, when I, like, literally at the end of my day, when I'm back in the routine of, you know, you brush your teeth and you're getting ready and all of that, I just think, was I, did I give it, was I useful? Was today any, this is really my question, was today any different than yesterday? And most of the times I can say, yeah. And some days it's a wash, you know? So do you need that balance also every day? Do you always, can you always give it away like to the next level every day? Or do you need it sometimes just like wash it out and lay around and be a bum yeah you know what i mean yeah i'm a total spa hoe um yeah yeah absolutely i you know i kind of designed my life so there's lots of well there's lots of joy right so there's lots of there's lots of girl time and

there's time to dance and there's time to just sleep. And I answer to no one. I have a Tuesday 8 a.m. call with my staff and I have deadlines. And I meet all those because I love what I do. But yeah, I think more than being like a bum, you gotta have days where you just feel like, like a fucking loser and I'm not getting it and I'm needy and I want, you know, it's like, ah, you know, and that's where you have the text, you know, the text parade with your girl starts. And everybody comes, right. And you go, am I going to get it? And you go, you're good. You're

doing it. You're doing it. And yeah, that's why we need it. Yeah, that's why you have friends to go to. Now let me ask you this. Yeah. Now do you create this environment of I'm needy and I'm not having a good day just to have communion? That's a really profound question. No, no, no. I can commune around joy

for sure. Because, you know, healthy chicks are great at, at, um, at celebrating the stuff. So like, you know, you call your, you text your friends, you call your friends and say, I got it. Whether it's like, you know, I'm going on the show or he called or somebody just, or you just, whatever the joy is. And sometimes the joy, at least with my friends, I mean, the range is, you know, I got these great shoes too. I just had this revelation today about my relationship to God or whatever. It's like deep and shallow. It's the whole thing. Do you feel like you ever sabotage yourself some days

in order to get that deeper desire of communion that I believe people get when they're in need? Yeah, this is a great conversation. So what you're saying have i happens and i can and i see why that happens in my own life um i would if that doesn't happen for me you know but i do have i'm very aware of my upper limit problems. And, um, you know, I wrote about it earlier this year where I could tell you, I could tell you that out of say 10 speaking gigs, I was sick on stage for seven of them. And so I was like doped up on sinew tab and asthma inhalers and pain kill,

you know, all of that. Because before, before big gigs, I would create, I create a sinus infection or a lung thing or something. Yeah. And I finally got, oh, this is an upper limit thing because. Why would you create that? Why would you create that? Right before a gig? Yeah. Because for me, being on stage is the ultimate. I mean, it's not the ultimate joy. I mean, there's other things that give me as much joy or more joy. But that's where I'm out. It's like the big event. The big event in my work life is you get the heels on, you get on stage and you transmit for an hour to 90 minutes and you get paid well and you hope you've affected somebody and you get on a plane to do this and it's filmed, you better hit it out of the park. And in and also in in that mix a lot of projection happens people project stuff onto that is not yours they project that you're wiser than you are they project that

you're this guru they project that you're a bitch lots of stuff happens in that exchange. And then another layer is I'm getting up there and getting paid lots of money to do what comes most naturally to me. Like I don't prepare for my talks anymore. I am ecstatic when I'm up there. It's total bliss for me. I'm high when I get off stage. And so why not get sick? So you can sabotage all of that. You can you block yourself from, from the hard part of it. And you're going to block yourself from the joy of it.

And I'm done with that. It's like, you know, I used to think that I wasn't going to be on top of my game unless I was nervous before I was a gig, before I did a gig, you know, and I have this thing about rock biographies. So I've read like, you name a rock star, I've read their biography. And everybody says, you know, I was like, I was reading a scar tissue, Anthony Kiedis and the Red Hot Chili Peppers. And he's like, you know, if I'm not like rattled and totally nervous before a gig, it's not going to be a good one for me. And I bought it. I bought into that. And I'm done. I'm done with that. I've graduated from nervousness because I had to ask myself, was this because I just crush on Anthony Akitas? Or is it because I think that nervousness is

serving me some way? And I realized it doesn't. Nervousness does not keep me on top of my game. What keeps me on top of my game is like absolute love and commitment to serve. So no more butterflies. It's funny you say that because nervousness and passionate love create the same physical feelings. Your heart starts beating. You start sweating in your palms. You start, your arms might be shaking. They create the same physical result. It's just a matter of the feeling you have inside.

So if you could come from joy and love, passion, excitement, you're still going to be sweaty and armpits sweaty and trembling potentially on stage, or you can feel nervous and have the same physical result. It's your choice. Yeah. it's like my speaking coach would say to me um fear is excitement without the breath fear is excitement without the breath so you have to reframe it and so sometimes i go i'm not afraid i'm excited and then you know all those physical manifestations that you're talking about, sometimes you actually need to, I make sure like I create those. So if I'm not feeling the adrenaline, then, you know, I do some Kundalini yoga and my hotel room before I get on, you know, you watch Anthony Robbins before he gets on a stage, he gets on his, what do you call the little trampolines and he gets all jacked before he gets on a stage, he gets on his, what do you call it? The little trampolines. And he gets all jacked before he gets on.

So yeah, you got to be there. Interesting. Let's talk about, I want to wrap it up here in a minute, but I want to talk about gratitude. For me, I,

my whole being, every single moment, I feel like is geared towards gratitude. And every time I step up my gratitude and show my appreciation for everything, whether it's a seeming bad or good situation, you know, all situations to me are neutral and then we perceive the way we want it to feel. And any situation I try to find gratitude in it or any person I try to find how grateful for them. Any situation, I try to find gratitude in it, or any person, I try to find how grateful for them.

And when I do that, when I'm being grateful constantly, it just seems to elevate my way of feeling, and it seems to elevate me getting what I want in my life in all areas. What's your thoughts on gratitude? Essential. Transformative. Essential, transformative, close to God. It's a secret sauce of presence, right? So even, you know, this is, you know, back to me, I'm always sort of questioning New Age stuff. And the irony is, like, you couldn't get more new age than

I am. But where gratitude goes wrong is when that's the only part of the conversation. So you got to be really clear about what you're dissatisfied with, and then bring yourself back to what you have the capacity to be grateful for. And some people say to me like, well, what if my life is really like officially, truly sucking? Like my loved one is dying and the money isn't flowing all that. And it's like, like reach for anything. I'm grateful for the sun, that the sun is going to rise. I'm grateful that my house is going to be warm when I get home.

I'm grateful for the medical system, whatever it is. And when you get there, I mean, really what I think the practice of gratitude does is it, it completely washes away any victim sentimentality. And yeah, it just brings you into presence and there's a way to do it that isn't in denial. It's not saccharine. It really is like just super pure.

Like I'm just happy I'm here and it changes everything. Interesting. I love it. I'm glad you said that. Well, I want to wrap it up. it changes everything interesting I love it I'm glad you said that well I'm glad you asked well I want to wrap it up and I want to ask you the final question

and it's what I ask all my guests and it is what is your definition of greatness kindness just be kind I love it

where can we do online Danielle you can find me everywhere you can find me this is daniellelaporte.com and I'm on Twitter same handle I'm on Facebook Instagram I'm obsessed with Pinterest like most women are desire map launches on my site December 3rd and then on January 1st New Year's Day 2014 it's launching and like most English speaking bookstores in existence and we've got desire map book clubs are starting around the world as of January 1st so they're happening in cities like, they're happening in Brazil and Prague and Chicago. Amazing.

Thanks so much. I want to share with you how much I appreciate you. And I'm so grateful for you coming on and sharing your wisdom today and expressing some more feminine energy on the School of Greatness. You need a feminine faculty, Lewis. I do.

I do. But I really appreciate it. It means a lot. And I'm glad we got to dive into some deeper emotions here. So I really appreciate you. And we'll definitely have to have you come back on sometime when your next book comes out. Likewise. And thank you for your story. Your story is such an important one. Likewise. Thank you for your story.

Your story is such an important one to tell. Thank you. And there you have it, guys. Big shout out and thank you to the lovely Danielle Laporte. Make sure to go ahead and check out schoolofgreatness.com to learn about the show notes from where you can connect with Danielle

and how you can tap in further into the desire map. Again, schoolofgreatness.com to check that out. And a big thank you from my heart to Danielle for coming on and sharing her information and really opening up. Again, I hope you guys enjoyed this episode and you know what time it is. It's time to go out there and make sure to do something great. Outro Music