The School of Greatness - 580 How to Set Boundaries to Build Thriving Relationships with Chris Lee

Episode Date: December 23, 2017

“CREATING BOUNDARIES IS NOT ABOUT CREATING A WALL, IT'S CREATING AN AGREEMENT.” There’s a lot going on in this world lately, with relationships being violated. We’re seeing it daily with the #MeToo movement, and so many people in Hollywood coming forward. Problems aren’t just occurring in intimate relationships, but in business, family, friendships, and so on. Almost all of this stems from boundaries being crossed. Boundaries are something that we all need to create and stand by. But we can’t just create them, we need to communicate them. We need to make sure the people in our lives are clear about our boundaries, and express ourselves the moment that they are crossed. You are a beautiful person, and worth the best - so make sure others are aware of that. I know it’s hard, and that you probably worry about being fired or losing someone close to you. You can’t be, because that job or that relationship isn’t make you happy. Losing it will open you up to new possibilities. The worst-case scenario about expressing and honouring your barriers is that things will get better - even if it means moving on. On this episode, we are joined again by the amazing Chris Lee. Chris has been on my show more than anyone else, a total of 13 times since episode 36. Each time we have him on the air he gives amazing insights, and he has been by my side through some amazing transformations. He’s helped me come out about my past, and build better and stronger relationships in all aspects of my live. Chris is a man on a mission committed to transforming the world one heart at a time. Chris Lee has spent over 25 years of his life transforming the lives of thousands of people worldwide through his workshops, coaching, and participation in all media, teaching people how to live an abundant prosperous life. He joins us today to give insights on how to increase yourself worth, learn to set boundaries, and how to build the most important relationship - with yourself on Episode 580. Some Questions I Ask: How do we take responsibility for the relationships we want? (12:34) What are things people can do to develop self-worth? (14:51) Should we write down our relationship goals? (19:10) What if you’re in a relationship with a bully or a decision maker? (23:34) Would you say someone who does not create boundaries is saying they don’t value their self-worth? (29:23) Why is it such a big fear for us to lose someone? (37:32) Why are we so afraid to be alone? (45:05) In This Episode You Will Learn: The importance of boundaries in a relationship (10:07) How to tell if a boundary is being crosses (12:02) Why you need a vision about your self-worth (18:28) How to make the requests you need to make (20:03) The reasons you should listen to other’s requests (23:11) The kind of relationships you should be working towards (27:00) How the environment affects self worth (31:30) Why you need to learn to forgive (41:20)

This is episode number 580 with transformational coach Chris Lee. Welcome to the School of Greatness. My name is Lewis Howes, former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur. And each week we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin. Martin Heidegger said,

a boundary is not that at which something stops, but that from which something begins. Welcome to today's episode. You are a beautiful, powerful gift and a force in this world, and I hope you know this. You are truly an inspiration, a one-of-a-kind, and it's your duty to go out there and do something great today. Today, we have Chris Lee, who is the transformational facilitator, coach, author, and TV personality that I've worked with for the last few years. And for over 30 years, he has traveled the world

teaching and empowering people, including world business leaders, Hollywood celebrities, et cetera, to live an extraordinary life. He's been on the podcast. This will be his 13th time as well. He's one of the biggest hits. People love him. We keep bringing him back on because he continues to deliver such inspiring, useful, helpful content. And he is coming back with a vengeance today to bring more inspiration. And some of the things we talk about are how to tell if there's a boundary that's being crossed in your relationships, whether it be personal or business. Also, ways to build your self-worth. People ask me this all the time.

They say they don't have self-worth or the value in themselves. And Chris covers on some key ways to build that self-worth. Also, how to make a request of your partner. to build that self-worth. Also, how to make a request of your partner, how to negotiate to create boundaries that work for both people in a relationship. Also, what false rewards are and how to stop seeking them in relationships

and how forgiveness impacts your self-worth. This is a profound and powerful episode. Make sure to take a screenshot right now while you're listening and tag me at Lewis Howes and Chris Motivador over on Instagram and Twitter and share this out. The link is lewishowes.com slash 580 to share this out to people. Again, how to set boundaries to build thriving relationships. This is a very hot topic right now and not the one that I've seen talked about really out there at all. So hopefully you guys get a lot out of this. Let me know what

you think. I'd love to hear your thoughts on this. And I want to give a shout out quickly to the fan of the week. Every week we talk about those that are listening to the podcast that are getting incredible transformation and impact and inspiration and applying it in their lives. So this one's from Mallory Devona, who said, I travel a lot for work and this podcast is by far my favorite to listen to. If you're looking for real, raw and relatable content that you can instantly add to your life, this is it. The value and honesty that pours through the speakers

makes me want to dig deep and improve my own life. This podcast is highly recommended. So Mallory, thank you so much for leaving your review. And if you guys want a chance to be shouted out on the podcast, just go to iTunes, type in the School of Greatness podcast, or go to your podcast app that you're listening to right now and leave a review right on your phone. And I am super pumped for this one. It's all about building those boundaries so you can have more thriving relationships. Again, without further ado, let me introduce to you the one, the only Chris Lee. Welcome back and more to the School of Greatness podcast. We have none other than Chris Lee on the podcast for the 13th time. Oh, my gosh.

Lucky 13. Super excited. The first time he came on was episode 30. Wow. Something like that. Around episode 30. It's now in the far 500s. I think this will be number 5. Really? 70-something. 570-something.

570, 580-something. From 30 to 5-something. It's crazy. And this will be the 13th time you've been on. So welcome back to the podcast. Has anybody else been on 13 times? No. I think three, maybe four, a couple people, two, three. So you're the most. Most downloaded, most everything. I'm proud. Over a million. You've impacted millions of people's lives who've listened. That's why I do this. It's inspiring.

Because I love your audience. Yes. And for those that don't know Chris, he's been doing transformational work for 30 years now, 29, 30 plus. 30 plus. 30 plus years working in intensive workshop style, three, four, five day experiences from early morning to late night, helping people break through their biggest barriers, blocks that

hold them back from having intimate relationships, feeling healthy, happy, achieving their dreams. Fulfilled. Feeling fulfilled. Really tapping into the inner blocks, the mental blocks, the emotional blocks that hold us back from being able to connect on deeper levels and achieve the things we want in life, right? That's the main things. You helped me tremendously facilitate an experience where I opened up for the first time about being sexually abused as a boy when I was a kid, which went on a whole path of me talking about it on the podcast, writing a book that talks more about just the topics of men and the stresses that men face.

You've seen a lot of men go through challenging experiences and help them break through a lot of things that hold men back. And there's just this space in the world right now with the Me Too situation and a time where people don't know how to set boundaries. Right. And people are feeling taken advantage of. Men taking advantage of women that work with them or in Hollywood, things like that. People in positions of power. People in positions of power. Abusing their power.

Yes. Relationships, personality types. Yes. I mean, this goes to all genders. I think women sometimes will take advantage of men in relationships. Of course. And where men don't feel like they're able to do certain things as well. So I think it's not just only men who are hurting women.

That's what we're seeing in the Me Too scenario where there's not boundaries that have been met or been set, clearly, because of fear and other things like that. Or boundaries, maybe they've been set and they've been violated. Yes, absolutely. And so it's really about being conscious of those boundaries and being willing to take a stand for yourself. Scary too sometimes, huh? Very scary. Especially when in Hollywood you see some men who are the decision makers for your livelihood, for your dreams. For your dream, for what you've dreamt of your entire life. And one person holds the keys.

And one person holds the key. And if you don't do what they say, they could blow it up. Yeah, very scary. Because at the end of the day, it goes right back down to what's your value and how you value yourself. Right, right. And we'll go into that in detail. So for those that don't know Chris, he's worked with hundreds of thousands of people in intimate settings with these workshops and helped them unlock, tap into the things that are holding them back so they can achieve what they want and have more fulfillment in their lives, whether relationships, business, spirituality,

their health, their career, everything. So it's good to have you back. It's great to be back. You've been coaching me for four years in the process. When I go on a big stage, when I'm producing a big event, media, I'll call you and ask for feedback and just to get grounded.

Yeah. And if you've got something that's blocking you, we talk about it. Every other month. Yeah, exactly. Because the work doesn't end. Well, you're somebody, you coach a lot of people, you empower a lot of people, you facilitate a lot. And so it's important to have an objective person that could support you. And that's me. Yeah, absolutely.

And that's awesome. It's fun. Yeah, it's a lot of fun. Today, we that's me. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. And that's awesome. It's fun. Yeah, it's a lot of fun. Today, we're talking about how to create powerful, extraordinary relationships in your personal life, in your business life, by creating boundaries. And now, do you think you can have extraordinary relationships if you don't have boundaries? No. So boundaries are a necessary key in order to build-

Boundaries are a critical key to have successful relationships. Why is that? Because if there aren't boundaries, you lose trust. You lose trust, you undermine the relationship. Then you have a resentment and an anger experience between two people that is unnecessary. You know, the key to a relationship is communication. One of the keys to communication is being able to express what you need, what works, what doesn't work.

And if I don't express what works for me and what doesn't work for me and you don't honor that, then our relationship is undermined. You lose the trust. And if you don't know what my boundaries are, then you might cross them without me knowing it. And there might be resentment there. And without you knowing it, and then I could get mad because you didn't read my mind.

Right, right, right. Yeah, exactly. Right. Because that happens a lot too. It's resentful. Why didn't you already understand? Well, you should have known that. Yeah.

That's the worst. Right? Right? And I think guys get that, you should have known that. Yeah. That's the worst. Right? Right? And I think guys get that in relationships. Guys get that a lot. Yeah. Where it's like the woman says, you know, not all the time, but sometimes it happens. To be careful of my words here.

Be careful. Exactly. Where it's like, well, why didn't you just know? Right. Why didn't you know? You didn't tell me anything. Well, we all think differently. We all have different personality types.

We all have different strengths, weaknesses. And what's easy for some people might not be easy for other people. So I think that one of the ways that we could serve your audience and our audience is by coaching them on how to set healthy boundaries. Awesome. And how to create relationships that work and avoid unnecessary drama. Relationships that work and that thrive, that continue to thrive. Yeah, because the idea of a relationship

is joy and empowerment. And when I'm with you, I feel special, unique, and I feel like you're contributing to me. If you are in a relationship right now, and those of you listening, evaluate the question. If you are in a relationship right now, and those of you listening, evaluate the question. If you're in a relationship right now and thinking of that person causes you anxiety or stress or fear or discomfort, then most likely there's a boundary being crossed. It's really your job to take responsibility for the relationships that you want.

So how do we take responsibility? Well, the first step, so let's go through some steps here. The first step in creating extraordinary personal and business relationships by creating those boundaries is getting clear about your own worth. If my self-worth is dependent on you, then I don't have a relationship. Dependent on what? What you do for me or how you treat me or what you say to me? Yeah, how you treat me, that you like me, that you're nice to me, that you're in a good mood, that my joy and well-being has everything to do with you, meaning if I lose you, I have nothing.

And so if my self-worth is based on whether you like me or not or whether you're in a relationship with me or not, then there's no relationship. You're going to be up and down constantly then. Right, because there's going to be a hole that nothing's going to fill. And so that's why I say put your oxygen mask on first. That means the most important priority in your relationship is not your significant other. It's not your boss. It's not your children. It's not your brother, your sister, mom, dad. You are the most important relationship. So taking care of you, developing your self-worth, the more value you see in yourself, the easier it will be to set boundaries. One of the reasons why we don't set boundaries is because we're afraid of losing something.

Like if I'm honest with you that I want X, Y, and Z and that that's not negotiable for me, then I'm risking you saying, well, I don't want that. And so in many cases, if I have no self-worth, I'll stay quiet and I'll settle for what anything is given to me or settle for a relationship that doesn't serve me. And that's why many of you listening, and I know it because you're right to me, are stuck in relationships that are dead end or you're not happy or you don't know how to get out of it because you'd rather be in a miserable

situation than alone. But if I have self-worth and self-value, then I'm happy alone. If someone feels like they don't have self-worth or they don't feel valuable within themselves, what are some things they could do to develop self-worth? To build that muscle. Yes, that's a great question. Some of the things that people could do is take a moment to take inventory on their successes. What are things that you've accomplished that you're proud of?

We don't highlight that enough. So make a list of five things that you're proud of. It can be small things too, right? Yeah. I'm proud that I graduated high school or college. I'm proud that I completed tasks. I'm proud that I got hired for this job. I'm proud. There's so many things that you could be proud of. When you highlight the things you're proud of and highlight the things that you've accomplished, that builds your self-worth and your self-value. The more you value you, the higher your self-worth goes up.

Yeah, I think also something for me, when I keep my word consistently. Well, you just stole the next thing I was going to say. There you go. Honoring my word, yes. Honoring my agreements. That's another thing that builds self-worth. There's nothing that undermines your self-worth.

I just said this for five days. Nothing's going to undermine your self-worth more than breaking your agreements. Yeah, and that could be as simple as I'm going to be on – you have these five meetings today. You're five minutes early for each one or you you're always on time, and repeating that day after day. Keeping your agreements to yourself, keeping your agreements to other people, acknowledging when you don't keep your agreement and taking responsibility for it and cleaning it up. That's another thing that builds self-worth, and not just builds self-worth. It builds credibility. People trust you.

That's another way of building self-worth. It builds credibility, People trust you. That's another way of building self-worth. Yeah, it builds credibility, integrity, all those things. Yeah. Yeah. Completing, also creating goals and completing those. That feels great. I always like to tell people to do a seven-day challenge for themselves. If you feel unhealthy, then for seven days, I want you to move for 30 minutes a day. Right. Schedule it in and complete it. And tell me how you feel after seven days of doing one challenge. Or I'm going to have a smoothie every single day in the morning as opposed to maple syrup or something.

Right, right. Like on my pancakes. I'm going to shift my diet. One thing a day for seven days and complete that challenge. You make your bed for seven days in a row. Do something small that you did it every single day and you can say, okay, I built up the momentum. Correct. Clean your house. Clean your room. Another thing you could do is

read a book. There's nothing more fulfilling than to know I read this book. Complete the whole thing. I read the whole book. It feels good. There's many ways. Educate yourself. Learn. Develop your intellect, exercise. Absolutely.

Exercising. Even if it's swimming or, like you said, moving around or going for a walk, just commit yourself to a 30-minute walk every day. Meditation builds self-worth. Absolutely. So there's many ways to build your self-worth, but the most important thing I would say about self-worth is highlighting your value, highlighting not only your accomplishments, but also your blessings.

What are the things that you're blessed with? When you count your blessings, like I'm so blessed that I'm alive. I'm blessed that I could see. I'm blessed that I have you in my life. I'm blessed because of the friends I have. I'm blessed that my could see. I'm blessed that I have you in my life. I'm blessed because of the friends I have. I'm blessed that my mom's still alive. When you start seeing life as a blessing versus a have to, and I know we've talked about this in the past, that also develops your self worth. And once you've got your self worth and you're clear about your value, then the second

step would be to create a clear vision for your relationships. What kind of relationship do you want with your boss, with your employees, with your husband, with your wife? The clearer we are about what we want in our relationships and how we want those relationships to look, then it will be a lot easier to make and create the boundaries versus just going to it blind. How should we create that vision? Should it be something we journal and write down and actually say, this is the vision, these are the type of things I want to experience

in these relationships in business and in personal? Should we write them down, or is it more just like a mindful thing? I think journaling, but I don't do that for every relationship. I just kind of have a mindset of, where do I want my friendship to go? What's acceptable in this friendship? What's not acceptable in the friendship? So part of the vision is to be clear about what are the things that I want? What are the things that work for me? Being clear about that. Journaling always helps. Like I'm a journal freak, so I recommend people journaling. When you journal about your vision, it makes it concrete in front of you.

Some people are very visual, and they like to see in front of them. So being clear about what it is that you want in the relationship, how you want the relationship to look, and what's going to work, what's not going to work. And so once you are clear about that, then you've got a clear set guide to guide you through in creating those boundaries. Got it. Got it. Okay. So create the vision for your relationships. That's step two. Step three is make the requests that you need to make. So once we're in a relationship, then it's important to make a request. And also, I would say step three and four are back and forth.

Make a promise. So what you could count on from me is this, this, and this. What I request from you is this, this, and this. Can you give me an example? For example... In an intimate relationship. So count on me to be faithful and loyal, relationship? So count on me to be faithful and loyal and count on me to respect you and count on me to keep my word to you that when I say I'm going to do something, I'm going to do it. I'm going to return phone calls. Count on me that I will be on time. So you're just establishing in that relationship the context, the environment of that relationship. And then so you're letting somebody know what you're going to give. And at the same time, then you can make the requests.

You can't make a request without offering something. It can't be give me, give me, give me, give me, give me. I want you to do this, this, this, and this, and then nothing from me. So making the request, I think it's very important being clear about requests, but first, what can you be counted on? So step three is making a promise, declaring what it is that you're going to give to that relationship and what you're going to be counted on for. And I don't think we do that enough. I think we assume, we take for granted, and that could also be in a work environment. You can meet with your boss, hey, my vision for our relationship in this situation is that a relationship of respect,

a relationship that we're going to grow together. And what I promise you is I'm going to keep my word. I'm going to be on time and et cetera, et cetera. Step four is the request. What is it that you want that for you is not negotiable? So my request, if we're in an intimate, loving relationship, because I assert that a lot of people in relationships are like buzzing right now, like, yeah. So if I was in an intimate, loving relationship with you, I would make the promises of the things that you could count on for me. But I'm going to say, and here basically are my requests. And requests are the boundaries. When you make a request, you're creating the

boundaries. So what I'm requesting is that you don't disrespect me, that you don't hit me, that you don't force me to do something I don't want to do, that you respect my time with my friends, that you keep your word to me. We make a promise to never go to bed mad, that when we have an issue, we talk about it. So the request could be as long as you want them to be. And those are the boundaries. That's the ground rules for the relationship, essentially. Those are the non-negotiable boundaries. And so once you have made your promises and you've made your requests, then you flip it over and step number five is to hear their requests and what can they be count on for. So what can I count on from you and what do you

request of me so then when I hear from you in the relationship or in the friendship or whatever the situation is what are those requests that you have what can I count on from you what if it's a situation like the me too situation right now in Hollywood where there's a bully who you're in a relationship with? It's your boss or it's this executive who's got decision-making over your dreams, right? And you can't really go to this person and say, here's my request. How do you deal with that in a situation?

Again, if it's a female with a male in power. That's step number six. It's called negotiation. So once you hear back from them what their promises are, what their requests are, if there's a request that they're making that doesn't work for me, then I can negotiate it. And the negotiation can be like, you know what? That doesn't work for me, that I can negotiate it. And the negotiation can be like, you know what? That doesn't work for me, but what about this?

So it's a subtle way of saying no, but you're not making them wrong. Now, if you need to say no, part of the negotiation can also be no. This is a clear boundary for me. You are crossing the boundary. Yeah. This is a clear boundary for me. You are crossing the boundary. Yeah.

But in the negotiation, it's being able to give and take and to communicate what it is that's your promises work, but the requests don't work for me, then I got to be able to say no or renegotiate. And so when you say no or renegotiate, you're honoring your boundaries. And if that person doesn't want to honor that boundary then you got to be willing to walk away that's hard for someone that's the hardest thing to do if there's like an actor who has a dream and there's someone who's like holding the keys it's hard to be like i'm gonna walk away from my dream right but you go back to step one which is self-worth and what's self-worth. And what's self-worth? You know what? I am powerful enough to create what I need to create in my life. I'll go create my own movie. I'll go create my own show. Exactly.

I'll find another partner. And that has happened time and time again. I can tell you stories of people that I know that have walked away. I won't tell you who because of confidentiality, but people that I've coached in business, in Hollywood, in sports, in politics, that they have walked away from a situation and they were willing to give the whole thing up because they had self-worth. Yeah. And I think 10, 20 years ago, it was a lot more challenging to do that. So for a lot of people, there probably wasn't these other

options like there is now where there's multiple different networks you can work with, where you can do GoFundMe pages and raise money in different ways. For your film. For your film, like in the Hollywood space. Right, right. So I feel like now there's a lot more options, whereas maybe 10, 20 years ago, it was a few people kind of holding the keys. And it might have been a lot more challenging to be creative to define your self-worth. Absolutely, much more challenging. And enrolling a lot more other people to make this happen.

And more isolated and less communication available. There wasn't social media. There wasn't all the ways that we can connect with each other. And nowadays, there's a lot of vehicles, a lot of outlets to actually pursue your dream. There's YouTube. There's social media. You know more about that than I do.

Millions of networks now. Yeah, exactly. There's different networks. But I would say that in most of the case, in a severe case, people are going to violate that. But in the case of a relationship of two people or a business partnership that want to work together, you're going to create a joyful experience because people are going to appreciate that you're being honest. Of course. And so in most cases, what it does is that it builds relationship. Now I know I could count on from you. Build respect as well. And what to expect. And then now you know what you count on from me. And if you're making a request that doesn't work for me,

then we negotiate it. Or I need to say no. I got to be honest. And then negotiation can also be no, but how about this? So no, boss, I'm not going to work overtime every day, but what about two days a week? Or no, boss, I'm not going to take on that project, but what about if I take that project on with

somebody else? So when you negotiate and you're able to open that line of communication and you're able to set those boundaries, then what you have is respect and what you have is a connection. Because a lot of relationships blow up because partner A has a vision and partner B has a different vision. And then partner A has an expectation that partner B is not meeting. And then instead of communicating to each other, they tell their friends about how miserable they are. And their friends basically validate it, and it creates a bigger wedge. And if you look at your relationships and the relationships that you've been in and that I've been in, I could tell you that creating boundaries, even as a parent with a child,

creating a boundary with your children is very important because what happens is a lot of times we don't think that we deserve to create boundaries or we don't think that we have a right to do that. And so- As a parent. As a parent, because we let our kids do what they want with us. Walk all over them. And I've coached a lot of parents that don't create boundaries. And creating boundary does not need to be a mean thing or a nasty thing. It's just

expressing what is going to work for you, what's not going to work for you, what's negotiable, what's not negotiable. Would you say someone who does not create boundaries in a way that works for them is essentially saying they don't value their self-worth? Absolutely. They say, oh, just do whatever you want to me. Then you're saying I'm not valuable. Right. Because we don't think of ourselves. Most people think of taking care of their boss, taking care of their kids, taking care of their employees. It's like, let's say an employee of yours is overworked and they want a vacation. They haven't had a vacation, but they have no self-worth. They're not going to dare say to you, I need time off. Or maybe they're underpaid and they feel underpaid and given the

market, the comparables, they're not going to come up to you and say, you know what? I'd like a raise. Right. So creating boundaries is not about creating walls. It's creating an agreement. And also when you create a boundary, you got to be clear that you're negotiating. So it's not just, it's this or this. In some cases, there are some boundaries that can't be crossed. I've been in offices where the boss would scream at their employees. And I'm sure you've walked into offices where there was that type A aggressive alpha boss that would like his way of getting things done would be screaming at the employees.

And clearly not a single employee in that office has set that boundary called, you don't get to scream at me. Well, they might get fired. Who knows? Right. But I'd rather if I go back to self-worth, and I get, you know what?

I'd rather not work in this company and be unemployed than to be with somebody who's abusing me. And when you have self-worth and self-value, then you know that no matter what happens, you're going to be okay. Because you've got to have faith in yourself and trust yourself and know that you deserve to have the best of the life that you want. There may be uncertainty and challenge and some struggles if you make that decision to jump out

of that relationship, whether business or personal, but hopefully long-term it'll pay off because you had value in your self-worth. Well, to me, everything is environment. And so the environment, and we talk about this a lot in these podcasts, the mindset that you are generates a frequency. That frequency that we are creates a result. And so if my mindset is I'm going to tolerate abuse, I'm going to tolerate sexual aggression, I'm going to tolerate abuse. I'm going to tolerate sexual aggression. I'm going to tolerate my boyfriend hitting me or my partner invading my emails and checking my phones and just doing what they want with me.

Or my kids running around the house wild and destroying and putting their hand in a jar of peanut butter and putting peanut butter all over the walls. And I've seen that situation where they don't create boundaries. If I allow that as a mindset, even if I have a job, a relationship, and all of the results, I'm miserable. And so how much value do you put on your happiness and your joy and your worth? do you put on your happiness and your joy and your worth? And so that's got to be a non-negotiable for you. If your happiness is non-negotiable and your joy is non-negotiable and your well-being is non-negotiable, then you've got to learn to set boundaries. And setting boundaries is saying to somebody, I respect me and I respect you. And it's not just about me setting boundaries with you. It's also about asking you, what are your boundaries?

What do you need? Think of all the unnecessary drama that will get spared by being able to do this. Yeah. Be a lot more harmonious in relationships. Have you ever been in a relationship in the past where there wasn't a boundary and it got crossed in any way? Absolutely, yeah. Both sides, you know.

I've probably crossed boundaries many times, but I've also felt when I set a clear... And when you have, how does that feel? It doesn't feel good. No, but when you do set the boundary, it's respected. When I cross the boundary, it doesn't feel good. It doesn't feel good to you

or your significant other, your friends or whatever. But when it's set and we both have a clear understanding and communication and awareness, then it feels like peace. It feels like harmony. It feels graceful. It rescues the relationship. Yeah, it does. It recharges it.

There's a respect. There's a level of love and support that it didn't have before. I had a boss once that the way he would communicate to me and to the other people where we worked would be screaming and loud and abusive and bad words, and everybody put up with it. And I was feeling, and here's how you'll know. How do you know if your boundaries are being crossed?

I felt anxious in the relationship. I felt stressed. I felt anxious in the relationship. I felt stressed. I felt sad and I felt angry. So there was resentment and there was anger. And when you think about work, especially work, you're at work more times than you are anywhere else. Some people spend most of their lives working. And so there I was 12 hours a day in an environment that I hated. And so I was a victim of it because I had no self-worth. I was, when you don't have self-worth,

you're a victim. I'm powerless. There's nothing I could do. This is the way it is. I just got to grin and bear it. And I would have people in my life go, well, that's how it is. So they would support that.

And they'd be like, that's part of the workplace. And then part of me went, you know what? No. And so it took a lot of self-worth and responsibility to go into that person's office, sit down with them, and say, look. To go into that person's office, sit down with them and say, look, my vision for our relationship and for my experience in the workplace is a place of success and harmony and respect. Calm communication. Calm communication. And I want to be able to be at peace here.

And what you can count on from me is I'm going to keep my word and I'm going to do this, this, and this. But my request is that when you communicate to me that you do it in a calm way, that you don't yell at me, that you don't use bad words with me, et cetera, et cetera. And can you accept that request? And he said, wow, is that what I really do? Because a lot of times people aren't even aware. And I'm like, yeah. And it's going to be unbearable for me. I won't be able to work here. And he said, count on me. From that point forward, everything shifted.

That's great. Nice. I've also had friends cross boundaries that kept crossing them. They're not my friends anymore. Right. So you've got to be willing to say no. Enough is enough. And so So you got to be willing to say no. Enough is enough. I'm leaving the relationship. You got to be willing to say no. And the final step for me is appreciation.

Appreciation is once we've established the new boundaries, what can be counted on, et cetera, et cetera, for me to acknowledge and appreciate the person I'm in a relationship for that. For honoring those boundaries? For honoring the boundaries, for honoring the relationship, letting that person know that I appreciate it and that they're appreciated. I think also appreciation goes a long way. We don't appreciate each other enough. We don't spend time acknowledging each other.

And that's part of what will ensure that those boundaries are continuously honored and respected. The consistent appreciation of the small things as well. So remember, they're shifting a behavior. So every time that behavior shifts, so every time my boss would come in and he'd be like, oh, and then he'd be calm. I'd be like, hey, thank you so much. I appreciate that you're honoring my boundary. That's great. And I think that in a relationship that will also serve. What are people afraid of in relationships a lot that you see? What's the biggest fear? Their biggest fear is losing the other fear? Their biggest fear is losing the

other person. Their biggest fear is- Why is it such a big fear for us to lose someone? Because we don't- Even if it's toxic. Because we don't want to be alone. Back to self-worth. Or do we think maybe we won't find someone as good or a job as good? Because there's probably a reward. Remember, for every negative behavior, there's a reward. A false reward. For example, let's say I don't want to lose a relationship, and they're a nightmare, but they're awesome in bed.

Yeah. I've been there before. This is the best sex in the world. Okay, I'll put up with being abused. And what's a couple scratches around my body? A bruised eye or another. A bruised eye. Yeah, yeah.

Or the person's powerful or famous. And I'm so identified with as so-and-so's wife or so-and-so's husband. And so there's a lot of payoff to being, and I've seen this happen, I actually know a celebrity couple where the husband is basically miserable and the wife just walks all over him and disrespects him in public and is just rude and doesn't spend time with him. And he's actually a really good guy. And the thing is that he won't break up with her

because of the payoff which is i am married to so-and-so and that opens the door to all these fabulous people and situations and etc fans and a lifestyle etc etc so, et cetera. Or maybe the person's attached to the person financially. This guy pays my bills. Or kids. He pays my bills and the house. There's always a reason that we are willing to put up with being in a situation that we're unhappy. I call it a false reward.

Here's why it's a false reward. Because you could gain all those things without that person. It goes back to self-worth. If you have a clarity that you have the power to create the life that you want, when you want, where you want, at whatever time you want, it's a question of finding the right combination within yourself, then you won't settle for less. And that's really my platform. I stand everywhere I go, whether it's a podcast, television, or a seminar, that we as human beings are born with infinite power. And we are born as a possibility and we are born unstoppable. And along the way, we start forgetting that and then we start settling. And there's nothing worse than settling into a life you don't want to live.

Because the reality of life is there's a beginning and there's an end. And every moment we have could be the last moment. Why not be happy and joyful in every moment that we have? And if you're not, it's because you are making that choice. So when you set boundaries from a place called, I have nothing to lose, then you do it with power. Versus, I'm afraid that if I say this, then you're not going to like it. It also goes back to vision as well. If my vision for the relationship is to be married and have kids and your vision is to kind of hang out,

then up front we're clear that our requests and our boundaries aren't going to match. So let's not waste each other's time. Right, yeah. So it's back to value. And I think that the reason why we have a hard time setting boundaries, we have a hard time being alone is because we have something that we have not addressed, which is emptiness or lack of self-worth. Another way to build your self-worth, of course, is to forgive, to let go, to let go of things from the past that are haunting you. As long as you have resentment or anger, that's going to undermine

your self-worth as well. Yeah. And we did a whole episode on forgiveness, I believe. Yes, we did. Was it like the power of forgiveness or how to forgive? Yes. We'll have that linked up in the show notes. Oh my God, the forgiveness episode is incredible. did you say when you when you're holding on to something from the past of someone and you're not forgiving them you're actually hurting yourself yeah when you're not hurting them when you don't forgive basically what you're doing is you're keeping alive the hurt so if i was sexually abused and i don't forgive the abuser, which is the work you and I did together, then they keep abusing me.

And so when I forgive the abuser, I'm not making it okay that he abused me or she abused me. When I forgive the abuser, I'm basically making a conscious decision to take my power back from them and to use my power for something positive. Because as long as I'm giving somebody anger, I'm giving them my energy, and energy is power. So forgiveness is not about the other person. It's really about you.

It's not saying you need to say it's okay what someone did to you. No. But it's letting it go so you can live in peace. Correct. Yeah. And I think I want to get the quote. I'm not sure what the exact quote is. It's of Martin Luther King Jr.

Said something around the fact that he doesn't get upset at people who would hate him and would get angry towards him. Because he said holding on to that anger and getting angry in return meant that person had power over him. It's the same thing I'm saying. Yeah. If I'm angry at you or if I react to you, I'm giving you had power over him. It's the same thing I'm saying. If I'm angry at you, or if I react to you, I'm giving you my power. Yeah. You have control over me. You have power over me, so I'm going to react. Yeah, it's like a remote control. You have control over my power. I'm just going to push your buttons. That's right. You're going to react the way I want you to. You're going to react the way I want to. And then in a relationship, when we don't set boundaries in our friendships, sometimes friends call friends at all times of the night and they interrupt

private moments or sleep or whatever. And there's just a lack of respect. And I think that at the end of the day, creating boundaries is creating respect between two people so that the relationship could thrive. And same thing in business. You don't want to be doing something for your boss that you don't want to do, you know, that you know you don't want to do, that you know that it's crossing a boundary and you feel like you have to do it. You know, I think that it's important to communicate and to express and set the right boundaries. And you're going to create thriving relationships. Part of why our relationship works, and we've been close, and you're one of my best friends, and I love you, and we've never crossed each other's boundaries.

We've always been respectful. We know how far we can go. We know how far not to go. We push boundaries. We push a little bit. And then we go, wait a minute. We know how far not to go. We push boundaries. We push a little bit and then we go, well, we communicate, but we communicate. If something is not aligned to our visions. Yeah. If there's ever been a moment that I pushed a boundary with you without knowing it, you've had the total trust to say, Chris, that doesn't work for me. And since I'm committed to

the relationship, I'm like, absolutely. And same thing, if there's something that you have done that crossed a boundary, then I've always been able to communicate that, which is why my relationships are successful, because I know how far I can go and I know how far I can't go. Yeah, exactly. Let's talk about for a minute, before we wrap things up, why are we so afraid to be alone? Because my entire childhood, I was afraid to be alone. And I think I would hold on to certain relationships too tightly because I was afraid. And then I remember saying to myself, I'm going to get so comfortable being alone. I'm going to take myself out to dinner and see what that feels like. I'm going to go to movies alone. I'm going to do everything alone until I fell in love with myself. Because I needed to fall in love with me.

As maybe egotistical as that sounds, it was more of like a practice because it didn't have any self-love. So I said, I need to figure out how I can love myself. And I practiced that over and over again to the point where I was like, it's actually pretty nice here. I appreciate myself. I appreciate my thoughts. I was kinder to myself.

I could tell you one of the reasons why we have a hard time being alone. And it's because 90% of what we think is negative. And so from the moment you wake up in the morning, you have this little voice in your head that starts chattering away. And that voice, 90% of what it says is negative. I'm tired. I'm hungry. I don't like this. I read a quote that Oprah came out with two days ago of this I know for sure, that when

we don't pay attention to the chatter in our head, we will be happy. And so paying attention to the negative self-talk is one of the reasons why we have a hard time being alone. And so learning how to really pay attention to that, notice the talk and shift out of it and replace negative thoughts with positive thoughts is one of the ways you're going to learn to be alone and be happy with it. As long, I used to think that being alone was the worst thing that could happen to me. Yeah, scary. Because since I suck, why would I want to be with me?

Right, right, right. And so as I started taking control, of course, through the workshops I've done and learning how to move from that dark place and shift it and replace negative affirmations with positive affirmations. So instead of thinking, I'm worthless, I'm not good enough, I matter, I'm beautiful, I'm positive, I'm powerful, and start creating positive conversations about yourself. Then you're going to learn to actually enjoy yourself. Another thing that I think is valuable is what you did. I started going to the movies alone as well. And at first it was weird and I felt self-conscious and it gets to a point now

where I almost rather go alone. You can watch what you want to watch. No one's going to bother me. I'm able to enjoy it. I think that the more you learn to love yourself and to celebrate you and realize, and I say this a lot, there's so much right about you. There's so much working. There's so much beautiful. You're so beautiful, so powerful. Human being is amazing. I'm in love with human being. And I think like what you said, when you learn to fall in love with yourself, then you won't settle. And part of that, of course, is forgiveness, but also forgiving yourself because we're the hardest, we're the kings.

You've said this before. You used to be the king of beating yourself up. So let's become the king and queens of building ourselves up. That's good. I like that one. Yeah. Great.

Powerful points, guys. Make sure to go to the show notes. We'll have it up here, the link to where you can go. Share this with your friends. Chris has a book out called Abundance and Prosperity. Transform Your Life, 10 Principles of Abundance and Prosperity. You can check it out on Amazon. Forward by Lewis Howes.

That's it. It's a great book. And you'll have an audio version of that coming out soon, but you can go to Amazon and get the book. Yeah, I'm doing an audio. Actually book. Yeah, I'm doing an audio. Actually, this afternoon, I'm doing an audio. A lot of people have requested it in audio. Yeah, that's great.

They'll come out next year, in the beginning of next year. You'll hear your coaching. It'll be great. So go check out the book, At Chris Motivador. Right. On Twitter. Instagram. Instagram, Facebook.

And Facebook, At Chris Motivador. Motivador. I can't roll my R's, but yeah. Motivador. Motivador. I can't roll my R's, but yeah. Motivador. And go to one of Chris's trainings. You train all over the place. All over the world. They can just message you on Twitter

and say where can I go. Yeah, exactly. And you can recommend different places all over the world where they live. So it's easiest for them. But the workshops are unbelievable. Life-defining. Life-changing.

Everyone on my team has gone through that. I know. I love them all. I love them all. They've all gone through it and seen incredible transformations. And Jen. Jen, my girlfriend Jen.

Yes. She just graduated and you were there. It was amazing. How amazing. Life-changing. I know. As always,

I want to acknowledge you for being an incredible human on a mission to impacting so many people's lives. I mean, every week, you are doing workshops, giving of your time, of your energy, of your

sleep, of sacrificing so much to show up for other people. And I don't know anyone else who gives as much as you. So I acknowledge you for that, Chris. I appreciate you. I know everyone who listens appreciates you. So way to finish the year with a bang. What an honor for me. Very successful year

I love you go check out the book, share the podcast and create powerful relationships in your life I love you guys thank you for listening to us number 13 we'll see you on number 14 next time bye bye

there you have it my friends Bye-bye. There you have it, my friends. I hope you enjoyed this one, episode number 580. If you did, take a screenshot right now on your phone of this podcast and share it out on your Instagram story. Tag me at Lewis Howes. Tag Chris Motivador over on Instagram and Twitter as well. And the link is lewishowes.com slash 580. Share this with a friend of yours who might be going through a relationship that you feel like they can't set boundaries. They're struggling in the relationship and it's

hurting them. And you know that by setting these clear boundaries, it can help make the relationship thrive and be better. Again, send this to a friend you care about. lewishouse.com slash 580. Make sure to check out the full show notes back there as well. You can watch the full video interview and learn more about Chris's book and how to connect with him back on that link. I hope you guys enjoy this one. It's always amazing to bring Chris back on. He's a dear friend and someone who's been a

part of my transformation. And as Martin Heidegger said, a boundary is not that at which something stops, but that from which something begins. I hope you know how beautiful you are, how much of a gift you are in this world. And as always, you know what time it is. It's time to go out there and do something great. Bye.