The School of Greatness - 614 Become the Master of Your Life with Aubrey Marcus

Episode Date: March 14, 2018

IF WE’RE FEELING SCARED, IT'S OUR EGO TALKING. We are holding onto some form of identity, and we’re meeting something that challenges it. Our ego tells us to get that thing away from us. But once you realize that it’s your ego talking and not you, then you can face it head-on. Keeping the wide-angle on your life to be able to see this in real time requires a unique type of self-care. To give you the tools to have these candid conversations with yourself, I brought on the master of self-honesty: Aubrey Marcus. “Mental override is the ability to use your mind to push you over into the “yes.” Aubrey Marcus is the Founder and CEO of Onnit, a holistic health company that focuses on what he calls “total human optimization.” Started with just one supplement, Onnit is now a whole nutrition brand with over 180 employees. In addition, Aubrey hosts the Aubrey Marcus Podcast and is the author of Own the Day: Optimized Practices for Waking, Working, Learning, Eating, Training, Playing, Sleeping, and Sex. Aubrey lives a life truly outside the box. From his dating to professional life, Aubrey paves his own path in this game called life. If you’re looking to learn the ways to think for yourself, tune into Episode 614 to hear how one person does it in every aspect of his life. “Find the ways to experience life as heaven.” Some Questions I Ask: Can people ever get to the root of the problem? (9:30) What’s the biggest challenge you face reaching inner fulfillment? (10:41) What’s a ritual to stay grounded when the ego is under attack? (12:26) What do you think we should be thinking about more often throughout our day to support us? (13:40) What happens when you don’t get exposure to cold in the morning? (17:44) What’s the biggest fear you’re facing? (22:58) How do you grow your business and find inner peace? (27:47) How do you set your brand apart and attract customers? (29:29) Do you think your company would be as successful if it didn’t have wellness as a main core of the business? (34:38) Do you think people who aren’t having sex frequently are missing out on something? (38:37) In This Episode You Will Learn: Why Aubrey Marcus views service as the best defense to your ego (12:30) How exposure to cold can turn Aubrey Marcus’ bad day into a good day (14:35) What mental override does for Aubrey Marcus (18:59) Why Aubrey Marcus’ greatest fears are rooted in ego and identity (23:03) How passing the baton gives Aubrey Marcus more freedom (28:08) What Aubrey Marcus’ company does different than other companies (31:31) How Aubrey Marcus views sex as a great tool to prepare for the next day (36:07) What Aubrey Marcus chooses to interpret from the feedback about his open relationship (40:38) How men and women respond differently to open relationships (46:48) Plus much, much more

This is episode number 614 with Aubrey Marcus. Welcome to the School of Greatness. My name is Lewis Howes, a former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur. And each week we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin. Oh, my beautiful friend. Thank you so much for being here. I'm so glad you're here. And I know that you are seeking more in your life. I know that you are a demand for greater things in your

life. And if you are, then you're in the right place because that's what we're all about here at the School of Greatness. And I have the pleasure today of interviewing my good friend, Aubrey Marcus. We did this as a live podcast interview. I've never done a live podcast interview with an actual audience. It's always just me and the guest and my producer and videographer and maybe a publicist in the room, but I've never done a live audience. So this was interesting. And a big shout out and thank you to Express for hosting this. Express Clothing Line,

they did an incredible job putting on this event at South by Southwest, and they had me come in there and host the School of Greatness podcast live for their audience at home and for the people who were there. We had probably about 100 people there and a pretty interesting setup. So if you hear any background noise, you shouldn't hear too much, but if you hear any, then just know we are outside and there was music playing in different places around at South by. We actually got into some powerful stuff. I was kind of worried seeing as it was a live audience, how we would do, but man, we got in the flow, we got in the zone and it was powerful. We really dove into a couple of key things that he believes

you should do every single day that will drastically improve the quality of your life. He's got a new book out called Own the Day, Own Your Life. It's optimized practices for waking, working, learning, eating, training, playing, sleeping, and sex. And throughout, we talk about what are these key strategies on how to optimize your day. And this is a man who's done that in his business, in his life, in his fitness, in his health, all these different areas of his life. And he studied it with the masters and he's gone to the deepest, darkest places in his mind and practiced a lot of different things that I don't have the courage to practice and has found some true wisdom on the outside. And for those that don't know who he is, he's the founder and CEO of Onnit, a lifestyle brand

based on holistic health philosophies he calls total human optimization. He hosts the Aubrey Marcus podcast, which is another motivational destination for conversations with some of the brightest minds in business and science and relationships and spirituality. It's got over 10 million downloads on iTunes as well. And his book is called Own the Day, Own Your Life. And we really go there. And at the end, we open it up for live questions.

So first time I had live question on the podcast as well. And a former guest showed up and asked a question. Esther Perel asked a question about sex and open relationships. And boy, did we go there. So get ready for some juicy, powerful stuff. And as always, take a screenshot of this and tag me on Instagram at Lewis Howes and at Aubrey Marcus, and let us know what you thought about this. The link is lewishowes.com slash 614. And I am super pumped for this one. All right, guys, I'm pumped for this one. And without further ado, let me introduce to you my good buddy, my friend, the one and only Aubrey Marcus. Welcome to, again, the Express Lounge. Thank you guys so much for being here. I appreciate you guys. We've got the local legend, Aubrey Marcus, who's here, who's got a company called On It,

and his own podcast as well, the Aubrey Marcus podcast. So we're excited to have a conversation with you guys for a little bit, and thanks for sticking around with us. I'm excited because I've known Aubrey for five years. Yeah, as long as your podcast has been running, man. Five years. Let's just show of hands, how many people have listened to the School of Greatness? Just so I'm aware, School of Greatness podcast, if you've listened to it. Awesome.

So I started it five years ago, and he reached out within like the first three months. We've been pretty close for about five years now. And we've been through a lot together in the business world, in the podcast world, in health stuff we've gone through, in personal stuff we've gone through. We've gone through a lot. So I wanted to have a conversation with Aubrey today. He's also got a new book out next month called Own the Day, Own Your Life. And I love the tagline. Optimize practices for waking, working, learning, eating, training, playing, sleeping, and sex. So I'm excited about this because Aubrey's got a unique approach to living and living an optimal life. And he's all about how can we constantly learn ways to improve our mindset, our health, our personal relationships,

and figure out this crazy thing called life. So welcome, man. Thank you, brother. I appreciate that. I'm excited about this. Yeah, me too, man. I'm excited about this. I kind of feel like we're all born into this biological machine and we don't really have an instruction manual, you know, so we're all just kind of figuring it out. And the more external pressure that's out there, the more responsibilities you have, the more family responsibilities you have, the less time you have, the more you have to do, the more it puts pressure on the machine. Yeah.

And a lot of things you think you have to sacrifice, a lot of things kind of slip. And so trying to put together like the definitive instruction manual for the human machine to live a fully expressed life was kind of the idea behind that. Fully expressed life. The challenge is, we were just talking about this beforehand. Even though you have this successful business that is crushing it, you're super in shape. You're, you know, one of the fittest human beings I know. You've got all your creative projects you're working on. You've got a great intimate relationship. You've got great friendships. You know, from the outside looking in, it might look like that you've got a lot of things figured out, but we were just talking about how, you know, you still struggle with certain things. You're like, I'm going through a challenging patch, even though he's launching his own clothing line, he's got a book coming out,

he's got his own charity foundation, like you're doing everything creatively that you could probably think of. There's nothing limiting you from doing something. Is that right? No, that's true. limiting you from doing something. Is that right? No, that's true. But we still face these challenges, these inner challenges, these inner battles that we all struggle with, I think. I think it's a fallacy. It's a mistake. Anytime you look externally and you think, oh man, if I only had that person's life, if I was only in there, because everybody has their own relative experience of what they're going through. And the harder you push, the more you drive yourself from whatever starting point you had. However hard you

push, resistance is going to push back and resistance is going to find the cracks in the foundation. It's that weight and different things that are out of alignment will start to be painful, like putting pressure on a fracture on a bone. You know, the more you push on that bone, the more that nerve ending is going to shoot up a signal and say, hey, you better fix this or you're going to increase in pain. So you have the choice then you either numb it out, distract yourself, you know, have some drinks, do whatever else you want to do, or you get to the root of the problem, which is somewhere in the psyche. Do you think we'll ever be able to get to the root of the problem

when we always face a new level of challenge? So you might conquer the problem, but then you're going to go after something new, something greater, something bigger, or a different challenge in an intimate relationship. Can you ever just, I'm happy and I figured out how to be happy and I'm good to go now. I want to believe that's yes, but I really do. And I think you can get closer. Like I think the lighter pressure reveals the bigger cracks, the heavier pressure reveals some of the deeper, smaller cracks, and then you keep working your way down. And I believe that there is a solid foundation under there. And that solid foundation is typically love. And if you can get all the way back to love,

because there's no cracks in love, it can't crack, it can't break, it can't be divided. And if you can get back to that state of love and gratitude and forgiveness for yourself, appreciation for the world, if you can get there, then you can be happy, truly, through and through. But it's not going to be any of the external shit that you accomplish that does that.

It's going to be the external shit putting pressure on you internally that's going to allow you to reach that next level. Right. What's the biggest challenge you think you're going to face and everyone's going to face in maintaining that level of happiness or inner fulfillment? I think the ego is the mother f***er man it's the thing that's really limits our happiness because the ego is a fear-based organism because it's always judging itself based in relative position to other people and other things it's only happy when it's doing something compared to something else and so it's always afraid it's always lacking there's always someone doing it better and so I think comparison

too a lot of comparison all comparison all comparison and it's a slippery thing the ego it's hard to get your handle on what it is and where it is and it'll retreat to the places that you're strong and this is something I've found out you think about the ego being vulnerable in the places you're weak like maybe if you're a small guy and maybe your ego would be concerned about your physical strength you you know, but if you know that you're small and know that that's your weakness, that's not where the ego retreats to. But if you think of yourself as really smart, you know, that's where your ego is going to have the stronghold. That's where like, if the barbarians are at the gates, the ego retreats to your

intellect. And then when something challenges your intellect and your ego gets threatened on your strong part, that's when your whole system starts to get really, really shaky. And so that's been an interesting journey for me is it's easier to surrender the parts where, oh yeah, I know I'm not good at that. But the things that I think I'm really good at, when I find out, oh, maybe I suck at those too, relatively, when that's under attack. Yeah. When that's under attack, then you really, really get tested. What's a ritual or something that we can do to try to maintain a level of not allowing that beat under attack? Or when it is under attack, what can we revert back to so that we stay grounded or stay humble or stay fulfilled?

Because I think a lot of us face that challenge. Yeah. It's something that you talk about a lot, man. It's taking the focus off of yourself and taking the focus on the rest of the world. Service. Like service. Because if you're focused on yourself and trying to repair that ego, if it's under enough of an attack, you'll never be able to repair it. It'll squirt around. It'll try and build itself up. It'll buff itself up like a bird who's fanning its feathers out. It'll strut around. It'll make different maneuvers. It'll try to hide in a bird who's fanning its feathers out. It'll strut around. It'll make different maneuvers. It'll try to hide in a different spot, but it's all different ways to know hell. It's never going to be really, really satisfied. But if you focus on service, like, all right, what am I bringing to the world? What can I offer? And then have that kind of warrior

ethos where it's, I'm here to be of service. And if I fail and if I die in battle, being of service, so be it. Out on my shield, I go. Not literal battle, but yes. Yeah, exactly. But let's say you're trying to help somebody and you fail. You're trying to raise money. You don't get any. You're trying to, that to me is going out on your shield. If you gave it everything you had and it didn't quite work out, okay. Especially if that motivation wasn't yourself, it was for someone else. Then, you know, die that metaphorical warrior's death where you've been slain on the battlefield in service of your country, in service of the people you love. What do you think we should be thinking about more often throughout our day,

whether it be in the morning or just throughout our day to support us in achieving that level of inner peace and fulfillment, but also helping us achieve the things that we're striving to achieve out in the world? That's a good question because I think kind of the premise of the book is that it's the accumulation of a lot of little things. I think all too often we focus on that one thing. All right, what's the one thing I could do? All right, well, sacrifice carbohydrates for healthy fats. Like that's a good thing,

but you also need to be focusing on getting still, finding moments of mindfulness, connecting with friends and family and lovers and your tribe and getting some sleep and having good sex and moving your body, like everything is connected. Everything is adding up, yeah. What's the thing that you are not doing enough of that you know would support you?

Honestly, a big thing that makes a good day versus not a good day is exposure to cold. Really? Yeah, like Wim Hof style. You mean it's not a good day if you're not exposed to cold? It's not as good a day. Really? There's something about that, not only pushing yourself.

I do it early in the morning, and you can either do it in the shower, like start with a warm shower, start doing the Wim Hof breathing, which starts to hyperoxygenate the body, also has a lot of health benefits, and then turning that shower nozzle cold. And for how long? For about three minutes is what you want to do. All the way cold. And if you have a cold pool or cold bath, you can do that.

But it's twofold. One, it's going to reduce your chronic stress. So norepinephrine goes up, adrenaline goes up, and it drops your cortisol. So it drops the baseline of stress that we all carry all the time. But the other thing is, it's that moment right before you turn that nozzle where every part of you is like, nah, not today. Yeah. Fear. You're like, I don't want to do this. I don't want to do that. You turn it off for a second, like, it's cold. Exactly. Exactly. Even though you know it's not going to hurt you, even though you know it's going to benefit you, it's going to develop cold

shock proteins. It's going to help your immune system. You know, people exposed to cold get 43% less respiratory infections. Like it's opposite of the wives tales that we've heard. Like don't go out in the cold. You'll, you'll get sick. Like regular mediated exposure to cold is actually going to help your immune system. So even with all those benefits, it's going to boost the immune system. It's going to boost the immune system. The more you do it. Yeah. Maybe if you went out in the cold, maybe if it was, you know, you're here and then you went to the cold and you're out there for a long time and you're not wearing clothes, you're going to get sick. Yeah. But three minutes at a time over time is going to support it. Acute stress rather than chronic stress. Like if you're

chronically cold all day because you're freezing. You're screwed. It's too much burden, too much energy burden on your body. But if you, we're built for acute stress, short periods of dealing with hard shit and so that really really helps and and again but it's also that mental thing like you get over that first bout of fear and you start to think of yourself a little bit differently that day like oh i am i can take a superhero yeah how much i'm just gonna ask the audience really quickly if you're on facebook or here how many of you expose yourselves to cold on a daily basis? Just raise your hand if you do. A few people in the back, the few crazy extreme people in the back. Yeah. That's interesting. You

know, I've studied this stuff with Wim Hof and I've had him on and I've exposed myself to cold ice baths. I've done those trainings, but I don't do it daily. You think that if we do this on daily, between one to three minutes, I'm assuming, even a minute of this is probably helpful, it will give you a better day. That one thing. Unequivocally.

That's the thing to me that I'm always riding on the edge. I mean, I do a lot of the other things in the book. Obviously, getting movement in, getting some sunlight in, you know, setting your circadian. There's a ton of things. Stretching, everything. Yeah, that one particular thing

is the easiest thing and the biggest lever for me that changes the game. Mentally, physically, emotionally, across the board. What happens when you don't do it in the morning? Are you just rushed and you forget to do it? Well, if I don't do it in the morning, not only do I not get the benefits,

I'm generally a little bit more stressed. I'm generally have a little bit more inflammation. It's great for chronic inflammation too. So I'm a little more tired. I have a little more brain fog. But I also know somewhere in the back of my mind, like I wimped out today. I wimped out today. You went short on yourself.

I went short. You selled out. That pool was nice and cold and ready for a few laps. That shower was ready to pour that cold water on me. And what did I say? Ew, no. I'm not ready for that today. I want to be comfortable today.

Yeah. I want to be relaxed. I don't want to deal with the stress. Yeah, so it's that double action of both the physical and the mental-emotional. So you believe when we have the discipline to put ourselves through controlled stress for a few minutes, it's going to give us extreme benefits the rest of the day? No doubt, because it's the same thing like when we're thinking about whether we want to work out or not, right? Right. We're sitting around like, yeah, you know, I really should go out and take that run,

or I really should go out and take that workout. We know we're going to feel better when we do it. We know we're going to be better. But what is that part of ourself that's going to turn that little bit extra over to the yes column? You know, it's something I call mental override. And I talk about it in the book. It's the ability to use your mind to give you that little extra to push you into yes. Mental override? Yeah, and it's the same thing that you would use if you need to start that project or if you're screwing around on emails

and need to actually get to the meat of the problem at work. It's that same mental technique that's going to allow you to kill it, but you get to practice that in the morning and you get to have that small win so that the next time you're facing that, oh, I really should start that big project or I really should work on this. You just have that same attitude and like, all right, I'm going to do it. Yeah. I think these little habits that we build up every single day,

the little stuff, even in one minute at a time for me, that for me is making my bed every day. It's like the thing I don't want to do because I never wanted to make my bed. How many people here make their bed every single morning? Show of hands if you make your bed. These are the winners in the house. No, I'm just kidding. I'm a loser. My whole life, I don't make my bed. My whole life, I didn't make my bed. I think this is my like ice shower, right? This is like my cold shower. And it's the last thing I want to do. I just want to get up and put clothes on and just go eat or whatever and just get out. But I know when I take 90 seconds or two minutes to really be thoughtful and be intentional about, you know, pulling the sheets back and making it nice, putting the pillows in perfect place.

I feel so much more productive. I'm like, I am a superhero. I made my bed. Like I feel like I can do anything. It's weird as that sounds, but I'm like, man, this looks good. I feel confident. When I come back at night, I'm like, oh, I can get into this nice made bed. And I was like, I did that. As silly as that sounds. I don't know. It might sound silly, but for me, it's so meaningful to be able to do that. But I think these little things that we can do every single day to support us, you know, making our bed, the ice shower, or just a cold shower. What's something else we can do that you think will drastically benefit your day and help you be more productive? I'll mention some other things, but I want to talk about that again real quick, because it's

not only doing the thing, it's how you do the thing. You know, if anybody's ever read any Zen philosophy and like Zen and the art of archery or Zen and the art of anything, there was a variety of different practices the Zen masters would use. Flower arrangement, swordsmanship, archery. Gardening. Gardening, all kinds of different things.

And the idea was to put your entire presence into the activity as a sort of mindfulness. It was a moving meditation. And I think if you not only make your bed and like, oh, I got to make my bed, ruffle the sheets, thinking about a million things. But what if you make your bed with the full intention to have your entire presence towards making the bed, towards smoothing the wrinkles, towards getting the pillows in the right spot, and you put all of your attention into that, then not only are you making your bed, but you're also meditating. You're also zen meditating as you're doing it. And I think we have that opportunity no matter what it is. It could be

pouring this Topo Chico over ice cubes and pouring it in just the right way that the bubbles splash against the ice and it comes up. And if we put our entire attention into that moment and that thing, that's mindfulness, that's meditation, that's getting still, that's clearing the clutter of our mind for a moment. And that's something I talk about a lot in the book as well. It's meditation doesn't have to be the only thing you do in a dark room with the right incense and your perfect music and your favorite cushion and your little altar. I got all that shit too, but you can meditate by being present and being mindful, doing a million different things during the day. Yeah. I think that, you know, in sports, they call that deliberate practice. And I think it's just being prideful of your work as well. It's like being a proud artist. You know,

a chef is like more of an artist where they really are intentional about the experience, the look of the experience, the look of the food, the look of the plate, how he wants to smell, like everything, the texture and being deliberate in your practice. I think that's really cool. What's the biggest fear that you're facing right now? Again, Aubrey's a guy who's got a successful business, successful relationships, healthy. He's able to be creative. He's flexible. He can travel anywhere at any time he wants. He's got financial resources. He's got abundance of friends. And he can take on any creative project that he wants. So I'm curious, what's the fear that you

face with so much available at your fingertips? What's the big challenge or the fear? With so much available at your fingertips, what's the big challenge or the fear? I think that the challenges come to the ego always. You know, it's always some way that I identify myself and then something that threatens that identity. If I identify too much with my company and my creations, the threat to that company and my creations triggers my ego. Attacks your identity. Yeah. my creations triggers my ego. Attacks your identity. Yeah. If I am identified with my physical fitness, then maybe I'll throw my back out and I won't be able to work for three weeks. And then that identity piece that has given me strength and bolstered me is now taken away

temporarily. And I have to deal with myself as not being physically capable. Or, you know, I'm also in an open relationship and that challenges so many things about my security as a man and as a lover and as all of these things. So a lot of the challenges come in that way, but you have to look forward to those challenges. You have to meet them head on and say, not, oh, woe is me. Why did this happen to me? You have to look and say, thanks universe. I appreciate you doing that for me because now I get the chance to reflect upon this thing that I've been using to build my identity and to draw strength from when really I just need to draw strength from my heart. I just need to draw strength from who I am here in this

world and what I'm here to do, period. Those are the constant lessons that are kind of batting me on the head every day. If you could eliminate these fears and these challenges from your life, if you could just flip on a switch and say, you know what? Fear is turning off. Challenges are leaving me. And I don't have to face this inner turmoil or this inner pain or conflict of my identity and my ego anymore. Would you flip the switch off? That's like asking if you have a favorite video game.

It's like your favorite video game and you're like hunting zombies and you like love going through and you like every new level has different zombies and boss monsters. And you ask that person, hey, would you like me to take all the zombies out of your video game?

You'll just cruise around. I'd be like, nah, the game wouldn't be the game anymore. And so while it's appealing at certain points, like if I could be selective and be like, I'll remove this one, please. I'll remove this one. You can't remove all the challenges. It's why we're here. It's what makes it interesting. It's the contrast. It's something to strive for. How do you be a warrior if there's no dragons to slay? How do you express yourself through adversity if there's no adversity? How do you lift weights if you're on the moon and there's no gravity? We need that external pressure, but we need it in the right proportion. Too many times we're carrying this

all too heavy backpack that we never let off rather than occasionally sprinting up that mountain with a weighted pack and then laying it off, hanging around the stream, going fishing, laughing with our friends, and then putting the backpack on and running. We don't do that. We just carry it around with us 24-7 all the time, medicating up and down with caffeine and sugar and whatever things that we use to distract ourselves. And that's the difference. We're built for short periods of acute work and longer periods of rest, recovery, and relaxation. And that's the rhythm. That's the biological rhythm of all life. You know, a tiger who hunts and then lazes around

with the pride. We need more of that in our life rather than a constant hunt, constantly starving, constantly on the grind. We need more balance. Do you feel like you have that balance figured out? No. No, I don't. I've been on a hellacious sprint. I take little moments to rest. And I think people here can probably relate to that

because a lot of people at South By are focused on building their business or getting new clients or getting their message out or launching an app and getting the awareness out. So how, and you've been doing that with Onnit. Onnit's what, seven years old now? Yeah. And it started here in Austin as just like one supplement that's now a whole wellness nutrition brand that's in Whole Foods all around the country and making tens of millions of dollars a year and just keeps growing and is now built into yoga studios and certifications and clothing line and everything. It keeps growing. You know, as a business owner, your goal is to generate a profit and grow. It's not to stay the

same or go down. So how do you grow your business, grow your team, manage your company, acquire new customers, be unique in your industry, but also find peace? And when is the sprint over? Seven years into this, if you slow down, is your business going to slow down? So when do you start to slow down? Well, you got to pass the baton to able runners, you know, like, and really trust that those runners can run and be constantly looking and selecting so that as you're going, you're looking behind you like, come on, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready. And then as soon as someone is at your speed, you hand that thing off. You don't let your ego say, no, I got to do this. It's got to be me, you know, so there's a lot of people running

behind me. We have 180 employees now and I passed a lot of batons off and I'm still holding on to a few batons, but not nearly as many as I used to. Yeah. And so that, that is the progression towards more and more freedom and ability. I mean, if I hadn't passed a lot of batons, no way in hell, I would have been able to write that book. Yeah. You know, it was because I'd passed enough of the daily workload off to other people. And, you know, that'll just continue. There's going to be more and more capable people who come behind that I can pass that baton to, and they'll take that and run with it. And that'll be their, that'll be their sprint. With everyone who's here, who's got, you know, similar brands or companies that they may be facing competitors here at South By,

you're in a very competitive space, the nutrition, wellness, supplement space. How does a brand that's here at South By differentiate themselves from all their competitors? Again, you've got so many competitors in your space. How do you set yourself apart and really attract the right customers for your brand? I think we can get in kind of marketing speak and we can talk about a brand and we can think about how cool that brand looks. We can think about the other associations

that we can draw from it. But I think there's an authenticity and a truth to the movement behind that that i think everybody really needs to focus on like we can do all of the different techniques and the tools and that'll that'll generally work but how real is the message that you're putting out how authentic how valuable is the product that you have like if you scratch the layer of your scratch off ticket that's your company is it more of of the same, more of the same, more of the same? Every different layer of the onion that you cut through all the way to the nucleus. If you're the entrepreneur, you're the nucleus of that onion. You know, are you expressing yourself through that brand as fully, authentically, passionately as you possibly can?

The CEO, you mean? Yeah, the CEO or the founder or whoever, you know, whoever's at the center of that business. Are they expressing the message? Yeah, is it real all the way through to the bone? And I think that's something that a lot of people kind of skip over. Let's create a brand. It'll have this idea.

It'll have this design spec. It'll have this market. But what is the real thing behind it? What's the mission? What's the meat of it? What's the heart of it? And get that thing right, and you'll just start attracting people. That's like, that creates gravity. And then that creates satellites that'll start orbiting you and other people. And all of a sudden you'll

be at the center of a solar system because you've had a dense gravity of truth at the heart of whatever you started. I like that. Yeah. And that would be my advice. What's something that you guys do as a culture, whether it be in a team meeting once a week that you guys do every single day that you think separates you from other businesses or better question, what's the thing that you must do on a weekly or daily basis as a company that if you didn't do, you wouldn't be as successful? I think you really have to look at every interaction you have with reciprocity in mind, you know, and understand that you want to be giving more than you're taking at every single interaction, no matter what that is. And trust your employees. Like if you're trying to control your employees by vesting schedules and by time that you're tracking at their desk,

and that's the only, and the money that you're giving them, and it's all about a control game, that's not really going to work. You want people who you can give to and keep giving to. And as much as you give to them, they recognize the reciprocity and they want to give back yeah so you don't have a certain number of vacation days you don't have these like really tight controls but you just trust the more opportunity for them to thrive that you give them the more they'll give back to you and i think that's what's been the overriding kind of vibe that we've had it on it and one of the reasons why when people show up, everybody's like, wow, man, your people are so happy. Happy people do great work.

That's a big piece of it. And whenever that gets off, whenever we have a disproportionate amount of load going to one person and we're not supporting that person, that's the only time we find turnover in a position, you know, is when we're not reactive enough to recognize when one person is bearing too great a load and we haven't supported them.

They feel overwhelmed. They just feel overwhelmed. Exactly. Like, get me out of here. Is there anything you guys do that is a takeaway besides the idea of like being generous, being kind, giving back, supporting, making people feel happy? Is there something that you guys do? Well, I think that it could be a small thing even. I think corporate wellness is something that I think a lot of companies check the box with.

Like, oh, yeah, we'll offer this program through this big service and whatever. It's just part of what we do. No one's really doing it. No one's really paying attention to that. Like, at our HQ, we have a cafe that serves ketogenic smoothies and chia pudding parfaits and all kinds of, you know, we have a kombucha on tap for help with probiotic cultures in the gut. Free for everyone at your office. Free for everyone. And then we have a gym and an HQ where their memberships are all free and they can take classes and roll jujitsu. And, you know, so we have a unique opportunity with that, but

it's that vibe and that ability to continue to employ the practices of a health and wellness company that creates a lot of the strongest relationships and interdepartmental relationships. We also have a volleyball court inside. So, you know, we'll get people from the warehouse playing against people from marketing. And all of a sudden, instead of launching a marketing initiative and like, oh, warehouse will figure it out. It'll be like, oh, no, I better let Roger know. That's my volleyball buddy. You know, I better let him know that if I launch this, he's going to be staying overtime. You know, so it creates this kind of dynamic where different groups are mingling and

intermingling and connecting. So it's not just like my department, their department, they'll figure it out. I sent him a Slack. You know, it's like, oh, I know that dude. I'm going to talk to him about it. Yeah, it's a deeper community. Totally. A deeper mission about being with your community as well. Do you think that if you didn't have wellness as a main thing for your business, that your company would be as successful? If they didn't work out as much or just have the ability to train and have healthy foods, do you think that plays into effect? Oh, 100%.

Because I've worked in other companies. I had a marketing company before, and I would be in-house with a lot of different brands who didn't put that as a focus. You know, had some plan available, but didn't utilize it. And those people were just waiting for 5 o'clock to come, and it was straight to happy hour. And they'd show up a little bit hungover, and they'd get started after a few cups of coffee at 11, and then they'd hit a long lunch, eat a bunch of carbohydrate, come back sleepy after lunch, and then wait till five. Like there wasn't shit getting done. If you're living a more optimized lifestyle,

then you show up a little fresher. Maybe you went for a walk on the trail before work, which a lot of people do. Maybe you ride your bike to work. Maybe you get that morning workout or hit the cryo before you get in there. And people are already in gear earlier. And then by offering them the ability to train in the day, they're staying later because they feel still good and they still have more mental energy and they still love the place they work. Yeah.

I want to open it up in a few minutes to some Q&A. So if you guys have a question, be mindful of that. And maybe we'll be able to get a mic out, or maybe we can have a mic in the front if you guys want to come up and ask a couple questions to either me or Aubrey. So just cue that up if we can. Is there anything you do at night

that you think sets you up for success the next day? Sex. Sex. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, two people got excited. We have so many miracle drugs at our disposal. Sex. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, two people got excited. We have so many miracle drugs at our disposal. Light is a miracle drug.

It sets our circadian rhythm. It gives us vitamin D. Water, hydration is a miracle drug. It helps detox the system. It helps nourish our body. It helps our mental attitude. As little as 2% dehydrated, and we start to show signs of mental fatigue. Sleep, another miracle drug, like taking a nap. You know, that's all, all of this, all of these things are free. Training, working out helps with depression, anxiety, productivity, inflammation

across the board, like all of these different things. And sex is another one of those things. It's just a panacea. It's a universal miracle drug that I think we can all utilize a little bit better. All of these things are absolutely free. Like you don't have to buy them. And if you do buy them, you're probably an asshole. They're all available and free. And I think we need to utilize all of these free doctors that we have a little better. You know, I've interviewed a few monks that live this monk lifestyle where they don't have sex. You don't touch anyone. Maybe you hug a person of the same sex, but they live this lifestyle and they seem such at peace and so much inner fulfillment and there's not much conflict in their mind because they're training this all day long for years, right? Yeah.

all day long for years, right? Do you think sex complicates our lifestyle or adds to it? I think it's one of the reasons we're here. And it's not just sex with other people. It's sex with life. It's sex with food. It's sex with friends. It's sex with everything that we're experiencing.

Sex with music. Sex with dance. Sex with all of the aspects of life that we're here to have intercourse with. And, you know, I respect the monks for their choice. They focused on one aspect, which is the spirit, which is cool. But to me, that's not a life well lived. That's not a life fully expressed. That's just narrowing your options. You know, to me, like if you're a recovering alcoholic, the strongest recovered alcoholic can sit in a bar with your friends drinking and have a blast. You know, the person who has to stay away within a square mile from anything that has alcohol, you're probably a little shaky. You know, so can you be a monk and be in relationship?

You know, can you be a monk and have sex and have all the things? I believe you can. And I believe that's the more challenging route. But I believe it's the more rewarding route, you know Because the resistance doesn't define what you're able to achieve You can use that resistance to actually make you even more enlightened Do you think people who are in relationships or married that Have sex very little once a month or once in a blue moon. Do you think they're missing out on something greater?

I think I think they are, you are. I mean, I think that's, it depends. Maybe they've expressed that in a different way. Maybe that love and zest and intercourse, the physical love of life isn't genitally expressed. And I can understand that. Like if they're a foodie and they love that and they get out and they dance and they do these other things that really nourish that part but if you're kind of closed off to all of the physical expression of of touch and love and joy then at that point i really think you're missing so it isn't just yeah and that's what i talk about in the book too it's like we define sex so narrowly it's the act of penetration you know and we put much pressure on it and we get stuck in our head about it. Like, expand the whole thing. What does it smell like? What does it touch like? Sex starts from that very first look that happens when you go through the door and you see your

partner and that little smile and that first smell when you give them a hug. And that's when it starts and it doesn't end till later. Like, expand the definition. Like, have a broader definition of physical love and really enjoy it and find a way to enjoy it. And if you the definition. Like, have a broader definition of physical love and really enjoy it and find a way to enjoy it. And if you don't enjoy it, really take a look at that. What's stopping you? Maybe you're not communicating enough. You know, like, the mouth is the greatest sex organ of all, and it's not to be used in physical manual stimulation. It's for f***ing talking. Right. You know, like, talk about it. Figure out what's going to get you excited. Figure out what pushes the boundaries a little bit and gets those butterflies going again. Have fun. Yeah. Sex it up. All right.

So there's a mic over here. If you guys have a question, just go ahead and come up to the mic. But if you have a question, go ahead and come up to the mic. Hey guys, I'm Rory. I was born and raised in Austin. So you're welcome for South by Southwest. And Aubrey, I have a question for you. You have been publicly open for a good while. Open relationship. Open relationship, yep. Do you still face any kind of negative opinions on that? And if so, how do you deal with it?

I think anytime that you're doing something that's contrary to the norm, you're going to face a lot of headwinds. You know, I've had a lot of names thrown at me, a lot of labels that have tried to thrown at me, but I know the truth of the experiment that I'm in. I know the truth of the relationship that I have. And, you know, you can't get really sidetracked by all of those other ideas, which are generally based in fear. You know, this is something that triggers a lot of fear in

a lot of people. And that fear is going to cause an attack. You know, we attack because we're scared. lot of people. And that fear is going to cause an attack. You know, we attack because we're scared. You know, any kind of anger is because we're scared. And the idea that we might be able to express love to multiple people is scary as shit. And I get it because it's been one of the hardest things I've ever done. I don't like recommend it for everyone, but it's a challenging thing. And, you know, I think having an open mind is of course that first step to listen to you know what's good about it what's bad about it what's going to be hell about it what's going to be heaven about it thank you yeah I think anytime we anytime our beliefs are questioned when I grew up in a Christian religion and I believed so wholeheartedly about something

specific in my religion because that's what I was taught. It's what my parents taught me. It's what my church taught me. It's what my friends did. And when I started to learn like, oh, maybe there's another way around that, or maybe there's a different point of view or a different belief, it started to like shake me and question. And I started to question things and attack back and say, no, I know the answers. Right. This is the truth because this is what I was taught. Right. And this is what was, I was taught was good. And this is not good. So I remember getting very defensive whenever my beliefs were questioned growing up. Now that I interview so many different people, it's amazing because I'm

opening my mind to so many things, but I'm also like, what do I believe in sometimes? I don't know what's good and what's bad and anything between. I think we get to figure out what works for us. Right. And Aubrey's figuring out what's working for him for now. And maybe this will work forever, and maybe you'll change your mind or have a different belief at a different time. And I think that's what's beautiful about life is we all get to experiment different things that work for us. And it's one of the most challenging things is to have our own belief that's different than most people. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's a lot easier to just kind of fit in

with the norm and blend in, you know, and not stand out in any way and kind of ride with the tide. But for a lot of us, that's not going to be expressing ourselves authentically. You know, that's going to be sacrificing some element of who we are to fit in with somebody else's ideals. And guess what? The world doesn't have it right. You know, we're not supposed to eat pop tarts for breakfast. We're not. I did that every day.

I know, me too. Growing up. Cinnamon. Cinnamon was my jam. But that's not, I mean, just because everybody's doing it, that's not the right way. You know, we have to like think outside of that and in every aspect, take a fresh look and realize that the momentum of what's happened before, just because it's happened before, it doesn't make it right. Yeah. I think there was a, I think there's a book or an article that talks about the regrets of the dying. Yeah.

And you see these different articles out there about the five regrets of the dying. Yeah. And you see these different articles out there about the five regrets of the dying. Yep. And one of them, I'm paraphrasing, is that they wish they would have lived a life on their terms, and lived their truth, and not try to just live

by what everyone else wanted them to do, but what they really wanted to do. Yeah. And I think that's something I think about a lot. I turned 35 next week and I've never focused on birthdays or put emphasis on my age, but 35 is like, I don't know. It's not 40 yet, but it's like, huh? I'm not like a 20 year old something. I'm not my early thirties. Like I'm okay. I got to start thinking differently. I'm not in my early 30s. Like, okay, I got to start thinking differently.

And I really think about, you know, if I die tonight or tomorrow or this year or whatever, am I going to be fully happy that I did everything I wanted to do? Or was I trying to please a lot of other people around me? Yeah. And for me personally, I just want to make sure that I don't die regretting that. The Lakota Sioux had a saying, and the saying was, today is a good day to die. And really, when you unpack what that meant, that meant that for them, when they said that at the morning of that day, today is a good day to die, as they put on their warrior gear and painted their face and went out for hunting for battle for whatever they were doing when they said today is a good day to die that meant they had lived so fully expressed themselves so truly not left any bit of love expression anything behind they'd done the things so that

if today was their day they would go smile you know smiled a great spirit and say today is a good day to die they're not regretting anything. No regrets. Their house is in order. They've lived their life to the best they possibly could. Hoka hei, today is a good day to die. And that's, to me, that ideal that I want to express and be to. So, you know, if you're in that plane and that turbulence comes, that fear isn't like, oh my God, not now. I haven't even started to do what I want to do. I have so many people who I didn't express how much I loved and then If you feel the other way then you say oh wow if today is our day. I've lived a damn good life Yeah, yeah, let's do a question. Oh Esther Perel is in the house. Good to see you Esther So Aubrey question for you. Yeah

Especially because you talked about the the attack when you break a convention. Do you think that the experience and the pressure of opening up the mind, the conversation, and the relationship is different for men and women? Well, first of all, it's an honor to even receive a question from you. I'm a big fan of yours. For those who who Estera Perel is, give it up for Estera Perel. She was a keynote speaker at South by South by yesterday, has an incredible book that has transformed people's lives and their relationships. She was also one of the top 10 most viewed podcasts on the School of Greatness. Yeah. So yeah, I'll unpack that a little bit because I think the sheer weight of the pressure I don't think is different but it applies differently the attacks come in different angles the the stress comes in different ways

and when I express this to different sexes about the open relationship and typically it's a conversation that me and my fiancee have together and different sexes have far different reactions to that for the men that I express it to man, you get to have sex with other women. That's incredible. That's awesome. But then I look them in the eye and say, yeah, but how would you feel if the woman you love more than anyone else

was having sex with somebody else and really enjoying it? Would you love her and love the person who is giving her pleasure? Could you handle that? Oh, hell no, man. Oh, hell no. And then their own fear, instead of saying like, wow, that would be

hard to have that conscious perspective and have the perspective of anyone who's making someone I love happy is my friend rather than my enemy, like doing the work to do that, they'll, you know, make those assumptions like, oh, you're just a cuckold. This is what turns you on. This is a fetish of yours, blah, blah, blah. You're weird. Something's wrong with you. I'm like, no, it's really hard. But this is a choice that I made. And I believe from a conscious perspective, this is how love can be expressed. And I can love two people who are enjoying love, even if I'm not a part of it. And then on the female side, it's more, you know, the pressure is also different. There's this idea surrounding marriage and how you kind of get one man and you kind of, that's your man.

And if he's sleeping with anybody else, he's going to leave you. And there's a lot of like other fear about the security of the relationship that comes up. And I think they have to deal with that. Like, how could you let that happen? How is he not just going to run away with somebody else? You deserve better than that. Yeah, exactly. You should have him just looking at you, all these things, right?

So similar weight of pressure, but just different expression on what the attacks and lines of attack are. I mean, you've been in this open relationship and you guys talk about it openly for the most part, so it's okay to talk about it. You've been in this relationship for two years now a little four years four years and has it gotten easier now oh a thousand percent i mean the first time the first time whitney had another lover i spent the entire day like virtually pausing every five minutes to to dry heave like the emotions in the pit of my stomach were so hard to deal with like that feeling of oh my god I can't

believe it that's my girl how did oh I would literally have to take a knee and like heave for an entire day really yeah and that was day then, you know, there's times where it goes up and down. But considerably, it's gotten easier to now there's often points where it's just sheer love. Like, oh, I'm glad both of y'all had fun. And I'll have my experience. Oh, I'm really glad both of y'all had fun. And, you know, she'll send me a bottle of wine to where I'm going with some other female. Totally.

And I'll set up some kind of cool surprise for her and another person that's there. So like expressing love to both people and fully. Now it doesn't mean there aren't horrendous challenges that still come up and I won't go into the details of those. They're too gnarly. It's like we are not ready for that yet, but there's still things that come up, but nonetheless, like the steady progress of just loving the people who love the people you love and recognizing that we're all just the same. We're all just looking for love. And whether you find it from me, you find it from somebody else, as long as you're experiencing love and it's not manipulation and it's not psychological damage, it's just love and pleasure, then go for it. Live this life.

And that's what it teaches you. And that's just the way Aubrey's decided to live his life. So thanks, Esther, for the question. Thank you again to Express for having us here. I want to finish with one final question. But make sure you guys check out the new book. It's called Own the Day, Own Your Life, Optimized Practices for Waking, Working, Learning, Eating, Training, Playing, Sleeping, and Best of All Sex by Aubrey

Marcus. So you can check it out. It's out next month. You can pre-order it now. Own the Day, Own Your Life. Final question for you. It's called The Three Truths. If this was your last day and many years from now and you were able to achieve everything you could imagine, you brought it to life, every experience, every dream happened, every business, every book you wrote, you made, but you had to take it all with you and no one else could experience it anymore.

You had to take it with you when you die, all of it. But you got to leave the world behind with three truths, three lessons that you knew to be true about your experience that you would want the world to remember you by. What would be the three lessons or the three truths for you? That's a really good question. I think, you know, the first is that heaven isn't someplace that we're going to later. Heaven is available to us right now. And it's going to take going through hell to find it, usually. And it's going to go through the hell of dealing with your own ego, dealing with your own shit. But there's a way to enjoy this life so that it is heaven.

And to really feel that. And that's what I think our birthright here is. And it's great to help other people do the same thing. So for one, experience that, really truly experience life as heaven, find the ways for you to do that. Number two, help other people find the ways to help see this as heaven

because we're all in this together. And the other one is, I think, let's recognize that fear is the one true virus that we all carry, you know, and be mindful that no matter what we do, if we're engaging in fear, if we're indulging fear, and this is not just self-preservation or danger, that's something else. But if we're allowing fear to exist, we're spreading the virus. So be mindful of all of the ways that we create contagious fear. And because that's going to really take away from the first two truths of experiencing this as heaven and helping others. Be mindful of the fear we carry ourselves and be

mindful of the careless ways that we spread fear ourselves. Even for me, I had a really interesting revelation. You know, a lot of science has come out about hand washing. And this is just an example of fear. And that actually hand washing doesn't make you less sick unless you're like in a hospital or doing something where they're actually exposed to germs. Like the microbiome of the dirt and from other people actually strengthens the immune system over time, right? So not only is hand washing probably not going to keep you well, what you're really doing when you're doing that is you're washing your hands with fear. You're saying, I'm vulnerable. I might get sick at this point. And so be mindful of the trade that you always make whenever you do something in fear because as

soon as you indulge in fear you're already infected with that virus maybe okay maybe every once in a while you'll knock off an actual pathogen on your fingertip but if you're washing yourself with fear 20 times a day you know what's the effect of that virus that you took on so i think recognizing the good and then recognizing that other thing that can affect that. You've been a great friend, man. I acknowledge you for living your life on your terms. It may not be popular. It may not be what other people believe in, but you're constantly striving to be better, a better human being. You're constantly trying to help others around you. You're trying to live the best life you can.

And for that, I acknowledge you. Thank you again to Express for hosting this and for having us here. Let's give it up for Aubrey Marcus. Thanks, everybody. Own the day, own your life. Thank you guys again. And we'll stick around and hang out

for a little bit afterwards. But thanks for being here. Thanks, everybody. There you have it, my friends. I hope you enjoyed this one, and what a juicy ending. I know, right? Kind of interesting. Let me know your thoughts, lewishouse.com slash 614. We'd love to hear your thoughts. Take a screenshot of this. Tag me on Instagram with a photo of this on your Insta story. Tag at Aubrey Marcus as well as we'd love to hear from you and learn more. And as always, the full show notes and video interview back at lewishouse.com slash 614. And subscribe to us

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