The School of Greatness - 626 Marriage Secrets from a Divorce Lawyer with James Sexton

Episode Date: April 11, 2018

“THIS IS THE MOST LEGALLY SIGNIFICANT THING YOU WILL DO, OTHER THAN DYING.” Marriage is something that is so important to people. In fact, you probably thought about what your wedding would be like as a child. When people go into a marriage they think so much about their venue, their cake, their guest list -- but they never really think about what they are signing up for. Marriage is, legally, one of the most important things you can do. You are signing away half of your life. And there’s nothing wrong with that - if it’s the right person. On this episode of The School of Greatness, I brought on someone who knows so much about people being with the wrong person and how to set yourself up for a great marriage: NYC divorce attorney James Sexton. James has intentionally focused his practice on divorce and family law since his graduation from Fordham Law School. In addition to his Juris Doctorate (Law Degree) he has a Master of Arts degree from New York University where he focused his graduate research on the areas of persuasive speech and propaganda studies. To top it all off, James is the author of the incredibly informative book on marriage, If You’re in My Office, You’re Already Too Late. On this episode he discusses how a lot of people rush into a serious relationship without ironing out all of the details. He shares the insights he’s learned from thousands upon thousands of failed marriages. And he shared why he still believes marriage is a good idea. Learn all of the inside secrets to creating a successful marriage, on Episode 626. Some Questions I Ask: Have there been any clients that were going to get a divorce then decided not to? (9:28) What is the technology of marriage? (10:35) What training would you want people to go through before getting married? (17:12) How long were you married for? (23:24) Do you feel like when marriage gets rough that they should throw in the towel or work through it? (27:36) What are the most important things to find out about your spouse before getting married? (32:08) When a couple is disconnected, what can they do to reconnect? (35:32) What are the top 3 reasons people get divorced? (38:56) What’s the best way to handle financial stress? (40:47) What is the real reason people cheat? (45:48) What does the government dictate in a marriage? (56:47) Would you ever get married again? (1:05:21) Is there a marriage you’ve seen that you admire a lot? (1:13:23) In This Episode You Will Learn: Why people tell more to their lawyers than their therapists (7:29) The real failure rate of marriages (13:16) What inspired James to write his book (20:45) When one client realized her marriage was over (30:02) The thing James loves about divorce law (34:36) The best thing people can do to solve their problems (38:15) The history of marriage (42:00) How to keep your sex life satisfying (49:54) The importance of a prenup (1:00:18) James’ marriage advice to his kids (1:11:06)

This is episode number 626 with James Sexton. Welcome to the School of Greatness. My name is Lewis Howes, a former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur. And each week we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin. Matthew Hussey said that 50% of great relationships is how you treat someone. The other 50% is having the ability and confidence to communicate the treatment you want in return. We have a special guest on. His name is James Sexton,

and he is a trial lawyer with two decades of experience negotiating and litigating high-conflict divorces. Now, I'm actually fascinated by this because it's so interesting to me how much a marriage actually, and the relationship between our parents actually creates who we become. The energy they put off, what we see them mimicking, all the patterns that we see from

our parents and their marriage, whether it's good, bad, or in between, we start to mimic those along our childhood and into our adulthood. Now, James is the new author of the book. If You're In My Office, It's Already Too Late. And after dealing with over 1,000 clients whose marriages have dissolved over everything from an ill-advised threesome with the nanny to an uneven division of carpool duties, yes, that's true, he also knows all of the what not to do's for couples who want to build and consistently work to preserve a lasting, fulfilling relationship. So this is advice from someone who's seen it all. Over a thousand divorces go through and what works,

what doesn't work and why they all end up failing once they come to his office. And what we talk about today are why divorce attorneys get more of the truth from clients than actual therapists do. Because as attorneys, you actually have to share and reveal everything, whereas therapists, you may hold back some things. Also, the training that every couple should go through before getting married, and this is extremely important, and why we aren't encouraged to be honest about our feelings. Also, what to do when marriage challenges do come up and how to prevent them, and the real reason that people cheat in marriages. This was fascinating to me. So if you're listening, make sure to share this out with your friends, lewishouse.com slash 626. Post this on your Instagram story, tag me, and let me know what you're thinking.

I think this is actually going to serve and help so many people who are in marriages, who are divorced, who are in relationships and thinking about getting married. All of this comes to play in this interview. But I'm excited about this juicy topic, and I know you're going to love this as much as I do. This is a powerful one. And without further ado, let me introduce to you the one and only James Sexton. Welcome back, everyone, to the School of Greatness podcast. We have Jim Sexton in the house.

Good to see you, man. Good to see you, Louis. Excited about this. You've got a book called If You're in My Office, It's Already Too Late, A Divorce Lawyer's Guide to Staying Together. You've been doing divorce law work for two decades, right? Yeah, about that. A little less than that.

Almost two decades working with couples who have gone through every challenge under the sun, right? Who have been through it all from sleeping with the nanny to financial issues to what you said, carpooling, who's doing what carpooling and what day is today. Little stuff to big stuff and everything in between. You've seen it. And you're not a trained therapist, but you've probably had years of work in your experience being a therapist for a lot of people. Yeah. Assuming, right? Yeah. You know, I see people at their worst.

And I think I see them in a way that people still lie to their therapist. You know, but they don't necessarily lie to their divorce lawyer. Why not? Because there's a tremendous incentive not to lie to me. You know, lying to your doctor and lying to your lawyer are like the two people you shouldn't lie to. Our only job is to protect you. Our only job is to make sure that whether your goals are legitimate or illegitimate, our job is to protect you. So I think I get to see a very, very candid.

I know more about their finances than their accountant. I know more about their personal life than their therapist. I know where all the skeletons are. Why do they tell more to you than their therapist? Because they have to. I mean, for me to protect them properly. I mean, the first time I meet them. Once the law is under their jurisdiction, they're like, okay, I have to tell you this so I can lie a little bit.

Little small lies here and there. Yeah, I mean, I think other professionals, you just don't feel the automatic sense of you're here to protect me. I mean, I am there to protect them in the rawest, realest way. I really am like a shield to them, you know, and I say that's my job. I'm a shield and a weapon. And I'm a shield in the sense that my job is to protect my client's interests. And I'm a weapon in the sense that I'm there to advocate what it is that they need me to fight for, what it is that they need me to advance. I represent people who've been cheated on, and I represent people who cheat. And I represent people who their spouse has a drug or alcohol problem, and I represent people who have drug and alcohol problems.

So I've spent so much time with every variety of the person in a couple, that that's how the book happened. It really turned into, you know, look, I'm not a therapist. I'm not a philosopher who's just opining on what I think people do. I'm just telling you what people do. I'm just telling you what I see actually happened in actual marriages. This isn't theoretical marriages. This is actual marriages. Yeah, the theoretical marriages. This is actual marriages. Yeah, the real mess. Yeah, yeah, the real train wreck. Now, you've worked with over a thousand clients?

Yeah, easily. And have there been any clients that you've worked with that were going to get a divorce, and then they decided not to after working with you, and then they came back together for whatever reason? And if so, what was that reason? It happens pretty rarely. And that's why I actually called the book, If You're In My Office, It's Already Too Late. Maybe 1% of people? I would say even less.

I would say even less. I would say in a 20 year career, it's happened maybe three times. Where someone, by the time they were in my office, it's so far along, and the wound has so festered that it's hard to turn it around. I mean, look, that's the truth. When you look at people, it's a whole lot easier to maintain your weight than to get real fat and try to lose it all, right? So it's the same thing with marriages. There's this, no single

raindrop's responsible for the flood. There's these little arguments, these little issues that people have, and they just build and build and build and build to the point where once that dam breaks, by the time you're in my office, it's done. And it's rare that people can come back from that. Yeah. You were talking about before we started that marriage is a technology. Yeah. Now, what does that mean? What is the technology of marriage? I think anything that's designed to solve a problem is a technology, right? So, I mean, this mug is a technology. And what is the problem to which this technology is a solution? Well, it's the problem of I can't hold hot tea in my hand.

It's a problem of I don't want to use, and kudos to you for using non-disposable ones, that zero waste. Yeah, yeah. And the truth is that it's designed to solve a problem. So the next question is, who has that problem? Anyone who wants to drink a beverage has that problem. And the next question, and I think the most important question is, what problems does it unintentionally create? Okay.

So every technology is a Faustian bargain in the sense that it solves a problem and it creates a problem. You've got to clean it, you've got to use water to wash it, you've got to store it. You have to find stylish ones. I mean, you went classic plain, but you've got to find ones with witty sayings on them and it can break and now my favorite mug was broken and how am I going to replace it? I mean, again, some of these

problems are silly little problems in exchange for really great benefits. But most people never ask themselves the question, the technology of marriage, which is a man-made technology, a human-made technology. We got together and said, hey, let's create this legal contract. Governed by a state.

Right, governed by the state. Let's come up with something that, let's turn a lover into a relative. Let's find a way to turn this into a legally binding contract. And people just go and sign up for this technology. And they spend more time thinking about what cake they should serve at the ceremony than thinking about what did I just sign on for and why did I sign on for it and what are some problems it might create for me in exchange for the things that it solved for me. And by the way, will it even solve the problem that I'm trying to have it solve? And one of the things I talk about in the book is, if you got married to solve the problem of being alone, you might be alone

still in your marriage. Like, if you got married because you want to have sex, you want to have more sex, being married is no more a guarantee of getting sex than living near a restaurant is a guarantee of getting fed. You know, it doesn't mean just because you're in it, you're going to receive the benefit that you think you're going to receive of it. And how many couples, before they get married, really sit down and say, hey, we're going to sign up for this technology. What do you want to get from it?

What should I be wanting to get from it? How will it change over the years? That just doesn't happen. So if that doesn't happen, how are we then surprised that it doesn't work 53% of the time? 53% is now the statistic. Is the divorce rate. The divorce rate, then more probably still don't work when they're in it. Exactly. That's the part, and it's funny that you go there because that's where I go with it. So 53% is already terrifying, right? If I said to you there's a 53% chance when you walk out of this room you'd get hit in the head with a bowling ball. Yeah, you're probably not going to go out.

Or you're going to wear a helmet at a minimum, right? At a minimum you're going to wear a helmet, but you probably wouldn't go out. Now let's look at that number, though, 53% and then divorce. That's U.S. or global? U.S. U.S. U.S. only, okay? Now think about what percent stay together for the kids?

That should get divorced but stay together? Can't stand each other. But they stay together. That they stay together because they don't want to upset the kids or they don't want to give away their stuff. I would say another 75% stay together even though they want to get divorced. Okay. So let's say another 25% of married people, let's say. So now we've got a technology with a failure rate over 75 percent okay so now what percentage stay together for religious reasons probably a

declining percentage over the years but let's say more you know five percent that might be the same as kids and you know might be the same yeah so if i say there's a technology with a failure rate of 80 percent toy Toyota had a point 0.0001 percent brake failure on one of their vehicles and they recalled all of the vehicles Yeah, so if I said you 80 80 percent of technology you and we still use it. Yeah. Not only we use it We celebrate its use. Yeah, it's part of our culture and we're shamed if we're not married. Absolutely Well because it's considered a sign that you're not mature and forward thinking. And we're shamed if we're divorced. Right.

But now we're being celebrated to get out of marriages if it's not what we want or if we're not getting what we want. That's a trend that's definitely starting to change. It's like leave him, divorce him or whatever. Right. Well, I think it's self-actualization became more of a thing. And after the 1970s, people know, people started thinking about like, you know, themselves and their happiness. It wasn't just about the unit anymore. It was about finding yourself. Then, yeah, it became more acceptable to be self-interested. I'm not going to say selfish

because not all self-interested behavior is selfish. But it became more acceptable to say, I'm not happy. I married this person when I was 20. Yeah. And now I'm 40. And shockingly, I'm not the same person at 40 that I was when I was 20. And now I'm a different person and it's no longer a good fit. You know, I mean, the analogy I tell people is, if I said to you right now, you can have any car you want, what car you want what car would you have well I just got a Tesla I have a Tesla too yeah I actually don't care about cars I'm not a big car guy either but I got one for tax reasons okay cool I had a 1991 I still have a 1991 Cadillac El Dorado okay they're like 60,000 miles on okay just I uber everywhere I don't really use it yeah if

you have any car you want. But I like the Tesla. I like the Tesla. Okay. Because it's fuel efficient. It's, you know, I just wish I had a bigger battery. So you're a pragmatic guy. It's nice too, though.

It's clean. You ask most people that question. They're going to go Ferrari, Lamborghini. Ferrari, Lamborghini. I want a Maserati. Okay. Now, if I then said to them, okay, you get one car, though. Whatever car you pick, that's the car you're going to have for the rest of your life.

Suddenly, a Lamborghini is a terrible idea because you can't put a car seat in it for a kid. And you can't, you know, when you're 80 years old, get into that car, right? So if you are only allowed to have one car, you've got to find a car that not only makes sense when you're 20 and 30 and 40, but when you're 70. And when you have kids and 30 and 40, but when you're 70 and when you have kids and when the kids have gone away. So again, like a minivan that might make sense when you got three kids, when the kids go off to college, that minivan no longer makes sense. Well, marriage is a technology where you're signing on with one person and saying, for the rest of my life, I'm going to be with this person. And that's a very challenging thing. But here's the thing. I actually think people give more thought to the car they're buying than they do really to

the technology of marriage and what about it specifically they like or don't like. What training or information do you think, do you wish every couple would go through before signing up for the technology of marriage? That's a great question. I think, you know, if you buy a house, you get a lead paint disclosure, you get a HUD disclosure that talks about the loan. You get all kinds of disclosures, right? You sign a will. There's all these pages that explain to you in great detail, you know, what's happening when you sign that will. You get married, you don't even get a pamphlet. You don't even get a one-page brochure that says, by the way, this is the most legally significant thing other than dying that you will ever do legally. And you don't get any information about what just happened. So the first thing I would

say is I think everybody who's going to get married should have an hour consultation with a divorce lawyer. Absolutely. So they should go into your office before. Yes, but for a different reason. For a different reason. Prophylactically. Yes, they should come in proactively and learn about what's about to happen legally, what's about to happen to my rights, you know, what's about to change in terms of how I own property, the financial obligations I'll have to this person. I would also say one of the best things they could do is talk to someone candidly who's been married for an extended period of time. We're not encouraged to be honest about our relationships. We're not. I mean, one of the things you talk about, the mask of masculinity that I loved is about, particularly for men, but I think it's true for women too, we don't share

candidly what's really going on in our lives. We're in a very curated society where you put up on social media the best picture and the best vacation photos and the best of everything we're doing, and we don't share with each other the challenges. We don't share with each other even really relevant information. Like when I meet a couple who's been together for 20 years. I mean, I love the story, oh, how did you meet? And you know, how many times a week do you have sex? Who initiates it?

Do you ask, do you always do the same stuff? Because you've been together for 20 years and you know what each other like? Or like, do you try, like, do you like call an audible every once in a while? Just do some wacky thing. Like, what is it really like the day-to-day of your relationship? And so many people, I mean, you've been in relationships, I've been in relationships. So many people just don't talk honestly, even when I'm with my guy friends, you know, do we really talk honestly about the day to day of our relationships, the way we talk to the women in our lives, like the nickname they have for us or the nickname we have for them.

Again, it's private to some degree information, but if we could share that stuff a little more, we'd have a lot more accurate of a perception of where our relationship stands in the scheme of things and how we're doing. I really think there's this perception that people have of, you know, oh, we're only having sex this many times a week. And it's like, well, okay, is that a lot? Is that too little? Like you have nothing to compare it to. You know, so in marriage, there's no way to know if you're doing well at it because you can't say, well, you know, we have fights every now and then. Well, okay. People have fights every now and then, but if you have a fight every week, that might be a lot, but how would you know? What would you compare it to? So I would say one of the best things you could do to people who are considering getting married

is put them in a room with people who've been good at that technology, who've managed to not only endure marriage, but endure it and still like it. Thrive. Right. Thrive. Right. And still say, you know what, I'd sign on for this again. Yeah. Like in a room full of people, I'd still pick this person. Yeah, that's cool. You know, and how many of those opportunities do we really get to talk to people that way about the relationship? Not many, yeah. And maybe also talk to someone who's been through divorce and ask them what didn't work and why didn't it work and where did it break down yeah exactly see one of the principles that inspired me to write the book was the idea that you know again i hate using car metaphors because i'm not a car but it's the best

analogy i can think of in the sense that if when you bought a car, you did every bit of preventative maintenance that a mechanic told you to do. You changed the oil every two months or whatever. Yeah. My sister's a dentist, you know, and she always says to me, by the time your tooth hurts, you're screwed. Prevent it. Yeah. Floss every day, not after. If you do all the stuff she tells you to do when you go see her, your teeth are going to do well. So it's, for me, who knows more about how a car breaks down than a mechanic, right? So I know people are in my office and I get a very candid view of them and I get to talk to them. And I have been very blessed that people trust me with tremendously personal information. And so what I wanted to do with that information is just find a way to leverage that

into some kind of wisdom that people could use and say, you know what, just don't do what they did. When we were talking about titles for the book, it was a hilarious escapade because one of the first ideas was, well, we'll call it Everyone Screwing Everyone because it was about how people just abuse each other in the process of divorce and how they're really taking advantage of each other. And then we said, well, no, that's too pessimistic. And we said, well, you know, maybe we can, you know, just call it vows and talk about like the promises that people make. But it's not really the promises that are interesting. It's the way that people go in with good intentions with those promises and they just can't keep it together.

Can't keep it, yeah. those promises and they just can't keep it together. So I really think that for me, the best thing we can do with anybody is to, yeah, show them a model of success, right? And show them a model of failure. And look, you've said it a million times on this show that you learn just as much from your successes as your failures. You might learn more from your failures even to some degree. So we don't have those role models. We don't have relationship role models, you know? And, you know, one of the things you talked about masculine masculinity when you're talking about Neil Strauss and his marriage and how he says, look, it was my stuff. It wasn't, like I said, oh, I don't like marriage because I don't like this about it. And I don't like that

it would force me to do this and force me to do that. And really what it was is he just didn't want to look at his own stuff. And he felt like to have a good marriage, he'd have to look at his own stuff, which is absolutely true. And most of what my book is about is about, yeah, you got to look at your stuff. If you want to be successful in this technology, you got to look at it, own it, and share it with this person. And be aware and be honest with the person about who you are and what you want, what you don't want.

Now, you were married for how long? I was married for 12 years. 12 years. Got divorced. Yep, got divorced. While you were a divorce. Yes, while I was a divorce attorney. So you're hearing these stories every day.

And going through it. Going through your marriage. But, you know, my marriage, I think, benefited from my experience as a divorce lawyer. Because you knew the cues of what not to do or what was going to work. But it was hurt by the fact that I love what I do for a living and was so consumed with it that I worked constantly.

My ex-wife, who is one of my dearest friends to this day, she's remarried to an amazing guy who's a great stepdad to my sons who are now older. They're both in college. But I'm very blessed. I mean, I've had an experience of divorce where I'm still close friends with her. I'm friends with her husband. I'm very lucky for that. Because I look at it like there's a lot of people I love that I wouldn't want to be married to.

Sure. And she's one of them. She's someone I love. She's someone I wouldn't want to be married to. Sure. And she's one of them. She's someone I love. She's someone I appreciate who I think is just an amazing person, but we don't have the exact ingredients that you need to be successful in marriage. Because we met when we were 17. And what we wanted when we were 17, 18, 19, 22, when we got married, 24, when we had kids, when we turned around and we're in our 30s, we went, you know, we don't actually have that much in common. And so either I'm going to have to stop being who I actually am. Like, I love to travel. You don't love to travel. From silly

things. You love shabby chic furniture. And I like very zen aesthetics, you know, like you love this kind of movie and I love this kind of movie. And you reach a point where you kind of go, well, do we white knuckle it now because we don't want to quit something that isn't working? Or do we say, you know what, let's call this, let's call this and let's find someone who feeds us in the right way and, and, and see if, or, or just be alone for the right reasons. And I'm very blessed that the person who I was married to was mature enough to see it the same way and to have that painful, but really wonderful conversation that so few people can have. And that is to say, look, this thing was successful. We both are leaving this better people than we were when

we came into it. And we're leaving it with two kids that are the exact chemistry of the two of us. And they're made up of the two of us. But we're going to kind of take our different paths now. And let's still love each other. Let's still respect each other. Cautious uncoupling. Yeah, absolutely. I mean, that's the term that's been handed to it. But you know, the truth is, is I think people have been doing it for years. You just don't hear about it. It's not that my divorce is the least interesting thing about me. It really is. Like if I said to you, like, tell me 10 things about yourself, the fact that I'm divorced wouldn't make a list because

the fact that I tried to marry someone and stay with them forever and it didn't work out, isn't that interesting. It's not that unique. You know, what you hear about, the people who talk about their divorces incessantly are people who were wounded by them. Yeah. And now they've been victimized by their divorce. And so it becomes a tremendous part of their identity. They hold on to it for a while and they talk about it and here's what happened.

They're the silent, you know, there's a huge number of people that had divorces like mine. Where the marriage just ended, it ended in a friendly fashion. They continue to co-parent successfully together and they both live their lives. There's not this pain and resentment for years. No, and I have to tell you, as a divorce lawyer, as a practicing divorce lawyer, a huge, I would say more than 50% of the people that I represent, it's that kind of transaction. It really is that it's just two people that their time is done. And now we just have to figure out how to divide up the things they have and work out the schedules with the kids. That's the majority. I would say at least 50%. That's good. But the thing is the

other 50% are louder, are so much more interesting. I mean, so much. It's like, because really who wants to hear about like oh i talked to my ex-wife yesterday and she's she's lovely you know she's she's moving to rochester soon like we were just you know that's her life it's the drama and the train wreck threw a bat at me she set my car on fire like it's way more interesting you know oh man do you feel like marriage i hear this all time, it's something that's not going to be easy, right? There's going to be challenges. There's going to be fights or arguments, and there's going to be some things that you're not going to agree on.

If you ground everything, awesome, but it doesn't sound like there's many marriages that are always perfect and always smooth. After 10, 20, 30 years, there's going to be some conflict. After 10, 20, 30 years, there's going to be some conflict. So does that mean, in your opinion, that we should just be like, you know what, let's just throw in the towel when it gets too challenging? Or, you know what, it's getting challenging, that's when we've got to dive in deeper and come together as a marriage because we signed up for this. It's a great question. I would say the following. I think one of the most common things people will say to you about marriage is, you know, marriage is hard. Marriage is hard.

I don't know that that's true. I think if you consider paying attention hard, then marriage is hard. If you don't consider paying attention hard, then I don't think marriage has to be hard. consider paying attention hard, then I don't think marriage has to be hard. I think that it's, again, not to use the metaphor again, but losing weight is harder than maintaining your weight. And I really think, look, you're going to have challenges. You're not necessarily going to have fights. You're going to have challenges. Life is going to throw challenges in your way. Illness, You're going to have challenges. Life is going to throw challenges in your way.

Illness, adversity, career issues, day-to-day miscommunications with each other. If you're not paying attention, those things get huge. And then the big, big things happen. So people come in and they go, I'm getting divorced because he's sleeping with his secretary. You are. That's a great reason to get divorced, and that's a legit thing. He's sleeping with his secretary because there's. That's a great reason to get divorced and that's a legit thing. He's not, he's sleeping with his secretary because there's something wrong in the marriage.

Yeah. You know, and if you don't want to look at that because you have some culpability in that and it's easier to just go, oh, this harlot came and took him away. And it's a lot easier to say that. But the truth is, you know, you stopped paying attention, you know, and this is the question I find myself when I have a minute with a client who I've been some miles with and we're sitting outside of the, you know, the courtroom waiting for the case to be called. And I have enough of a rapport with them and we've been enough of a distance together that I feel like I can be candid with them. I'll say to them, was there a moment where you realized your marriage was over? What was that moment? And you would be amazed at the insight if people think about that question that they give to you.

I had a woman who said to me, and it was to me a very powerful example. I discuss a little bit in the book. She said there was a kind of granola that she liked. And you could only get it at like a certain store, like a Whole Foods or something like that. And her husband used to always buy it. Whenever she was running low, she would just open the cabinet and there'd be another bag of it there. And she loved that. Because he didn't say like, oh, and look, honey, I bought your granola.

Like I get credit for that. You know, like he just would do it. He just saw that this was something that he was paying attention. He just saw that there was this little thing. And it was this little kindness that he showed her that let her know she was important to him. He was still kind of trying to woo her without being obvious about it. And he was still paying attention. And she said, then one day she just ran out of the granola and it wasn't there. So she thought, oh, well, maybe he's like busy and he just didn't notice. So she kind of left the bag

out. And sure enough, he still didn't replace the granola. And she said she had a tangible memory. It was about a year before the actual divorce, but she said she had a tangible memory where she thought, okay, this is over. You know, this thing is over now. And I think that that's the thing. That's kind of, if you boiled my book down, one of the things I say to people is there's this thing in every relationship, some little thing that you did for your partner or some little thing that you just had to tell them that at some point you just stop telling them. I don't know if it's just in the morning saying, like, God, you're so pretty when she walks by, or if it's her saying to you, like, I love your

strong arms or whatever it might be. Like, there's just those little things. Like, we just want someone cheering for us. We just want, why do we get together? We want connection. We just want connection. Like, there's no other reason to get married other than wanting connection. So those little disconnections, that's the ad, you know, and it's death by a thousand paper cuts, you know, and that's the challenge for me is, is, is, is that's what people need to sort of find their

way to connect. Yeah. Yeah. What do you think are the most important things to find out about your spouse before getting married? See, I'm super pragmatic about that. I think you're going to be living with somebody. So I think you should, you should know some bare bones things. Like I want to know, can you go to bed with a dish in the sink still? Or are you somebody that needs to have the dishes clean? What time do you go to bed? What time do you like to wake up in the morning? Are you a loud morning person or a quiet morning person?

Do you, you know, how do you feel, how do you feel about credit card debt? How do you feel about, very pragmatic question, how many times a week do you think you should have sex when you're married? For you to be satisfied. You know, these are the kinds of questions like if i'm signing up to live with another human being to share my finances with them and to only have sex with them for the rest of my life these are

important questions for real like why would you buy a car and oh i don't know how many miles it is or i don't know how many doors it has like these are basic or if it's going to turn on when i turn it right right like just ask some fundamental honest questions and look there's nothing wrong with asking those questions there's nothing we've convinced people that this idea of like a soulmate that you should just meet someone instant chemistry and if you don't have instant chemistry and perfection, you're doing it wrong. And so you're discouraged from asking pragmatic, practical questions like, listen, how many times a week do you think you should have sex? Or how many times a week? Because if you had those conversations, not only are you going to go into the relationship with your eyes open, but it's going to allow you to actually serve the needs of your spouse a little

bit better. Like if I know what you want, right? Like now I know, you know, it's as advertised, you know, this is what you said you wanted. And I know, am I meeting that standard? Am I not meeting that standard? And if I'm not, we can have a conversation about, Hey, listen, just so you know, this is why I'm not that way anymore. Cause very often if you talk to women about, you know, why did they stop sleeping with their husband or husbands? Oh, why did you stop being interested in your wife? They'll tell you the reason, you know, they'll say like oh, yeah He just boy stops being complimentary to me And now he just wants like he only hugs me when he wants to have sex like if he hugged me more often I would probably feel more romantic towards it if you'd had that conversation

You wouldn't get to this war that no one wins. Well, you're not hugging me anymore. So now I'm not gonna sleep with you Well now I don't feel affectionate towards you because you're not sleeping with me. Right. Oh, well, now I feel even more upset with you because you're not sleeping with me. Well, now I'm going to start sleeping with somebody else. And now we're just off to the races. And meanwhile, we had two people that signed on for the same task that now have completely lost the plot. I mean, one of the things I love about divorce law is in this culture where we're so full of it. We don't want to admit when we screwed up. We don't want to admit when we're lost. We're terrified to admit when we're lost. No one meant to get divorced. You can't pretend. You're in this

beautifully raw situation. Anyone who is in my office, they did not mean to be there. And there's something to me really beautiful about that, because it's this opportunity to just say, you know what, like, yeah, we tried to do this thing, and it fell apart. And so to me, that can be beautiful. That's an opportunity for growth. You know, the barn's burned down. Now I can see the moon. I really feel like that's the thing that if people could have that level of honesty and candor and realness in marriage, they wouldn't end up in marriage. Yeah. When a couple is starting to lose connection, what do you think they can do to get reconnected? I think the, I mean, the core is communication. Just start talking. Just start. I talk about ways to have that conversation, very pragmatic, practical.

I didn't want to write a book that was filled with conclusions of lofty. So you need to reconnect with your partner. What the hell does that mean? When your partner says, I want to feel more fulfilled, what does that mean? Do you mean you want to have a date night once a week, or do you mean you want to surf more often? Because I don't know if I should take you out to dinner or drive you to the beach. What does that mean? Do you mean you want to have a date night once a week? Or do you mean you want to surf more often? Because I don't know if I should take you out to dinner or drive you to the beach. Like, what does that mean?

Specifically. And so I think people need to know how to talk to each other. And in fact, why not have a conversation about how you have conversations? Like, why not talk about, listen, when there's a problem in the marriage, how are we going to talk to each other about it? And one of the things, there's a chapter in there called Hit Send Now. And it's about just this very simple idea. And that is send an email to your partner. The reason I called it Hit Send Now is that I always thought it's kind of funny when you hit send on an email, you can't hit like

unsend. Like it's just, you hit it and you're like, oh wow, okay, it's out there now, you know? And I've had emails where I'm like, you know, I write my email and I'm like, okay, there it is. Like, I can't take it back now, you know. And it's kind of exciting, but it's also kind of terrifying. And I think the idea of HitSendNow is to say, like, listen, when some little thing's going on in the marriage, you know that this could be an issue someday,

but you don't want to, you know, write an email. Write an email to the person and say, like, hey, listen, when we were sitting around last night and we were having dinner and you kind of made that little comment about my sister, like, I don't know if you meant it or not, but, like, it kind of hurt, you know, and it made me feel really weird because I always thought you liked my sister. And so, I don't know, I just wanted to let you know, you know. And see, unlike a conversation, if we have that in a conversation, you immediately are going to be defensive. Well, wait a minute. No, no. And by the way, you may not be ready to have that conversation. You might have other things going on in your brain.

So an email is great because it gives a person a chance to digest it. It gives them a chance to sort of think it through. Breathe through it, yeah. Right, not be immediately defensive. And what I even say to people is make the subject heading hit send now. Because that way the person goes, oh, it's going to be one of these emails. Okay, like brace myself for it. Like be ready that this is what this is. And you can time when you send it. Send it when you know you're not going to see them. You're going to be out of the

blast radius. And you're going to give them a chance to digest it. Send it to them in the morning when you know they're sharp or at night when you know they're calm. Whatever. You know, hopefully you know your partner well enough to know like what's the time to talk to them before they go to the gym or after they get back from the gym. If you want to ask me something, ask after I get back from Brazilian jiu-jitsu class because I'm calm as a Hindu cow. But if you see me on a Friday morning when I've got court, this is not the time to talk to me about relationship issues. So I would say the best thing people can do is communicate in a very clear way with each other. That's going to be, that's going to solve 90% of the problems that you have. And most of this book is just about

ways to communicate with each other and ways to, to, you know, own your stuff and help your partner own their stuff. Because I still believe that relationships, maybe not marriage, but marriage at its best, is about having someone who sees your blind spots. Yeah. You know, we're better together as human beings. We're better in connection. We're better when we have the benefit of each other's perspective and when we help each

other see the things that we just can't see about ourselves. Yeah, that's true. What would you say are the top three reasons people get divorced? Is it infidelity? Is it financial? Is it something else? Yeah, I mean, the top three big reasons, again, you know, with the idea that the little things add up and cause these things, but yeah, absolutely infidelity would be number one. Finances would be number two. And number three would be, I would just call it attrition. It would just be, you know, that relationships just, they just burn up. Like people just don't care anymore. You know, the opposite of love is in hate.

It's contempt, right? It's indifference. Indifference. I mean, hate is a passionate emotion. Like if you hate me, you feel strongly about me. If you just don't care anymore. Right. Like, you know, there's a line in Casablanca, the movie where, you know,

one of the characters says to Humphrey Bogart's character, he says, boy, you really hate me. And he says to him, you know, I suppose if I gave you any thought, I probably would. And I found in my, when I saw that film, I thought, oh, that's the most cutting insult. Because when you really just don't care, like that's the opposite of love. Because love is about, I'm paying attention. I want to please you. Your pleasure gives me pleasure. Your want to please you. Your pleasure gives me pleasure. Your joy gives me joy. Your sadness becomes my burden, you know, and it becomes

something I want to alleviate. So indifference, that sense of, I don't care what you're doing. I don't care if you're happy. I don't care if you're sad. I don't care. That's the thing. And that's where people land sometimes. As they just land in that place where they used to care and then in this escalating war of, well, I shouldn't have to do that. Well, I shouldn't have to do this. Well, I shouldn't have to do that. Well, then I shouldn't have to do that.

And now you got two people that are just great. You guys won. Good job. Neither of you has to do anything for each other anymore. Great job. Great job. You're living with a person

who owes you nothing and you owe them nothing except what the state tells you that you owe each other. Wow. And you're never meant to be there. You're never meant to be there. Yeah. Wow. What's the best way to handle financial stress in your opinion? Financial stress? Yeah. Don't get into it. Yeah, yeah. No, the best way to handle financial stress, again, I think candor. You know, just candor. Probably communicating it before you get married about these things so you don't get into it. Absolutely.

Again, what's the best way to lose weight? Don't get that. Yeah. You know, I mean, the truth is, is try to find a way to prevent getting in that place. But look, once you've got financial stress, so there are financial stresses you can't prevent. You know, you lose your job. Your company lays off 500 people and you're one of them. You get a medical challenge that happens.

Yeah, something like that. Okay, so how do you deal with it? Well, with candor, with courage, you know, with honesty, with fearlessness, you know, with bluntness. I mean, one of the things I, like I said, I love about your book and that's why I said, I think the two books together would actually be a great combination. If you know a guy who's getting married, you buy him your book and buy him my book. And I think you just dropped the statistics down on these guys because the truth is, is knowing your stuff and being fearless enough

to say this is what it is, that's where the magic is. Yeah, yeah. I saw one of the chapters says, yours, mine, and ours, the financial system that works best. So I think a lot of people have their own way of how they want to run their money.

Right. Right? They like managing it their way, spending it on things they want to spend it on. Some like getting in debt. Others don't like getting in debt. So how do you find our way? Well, I mean, you got to keep in mind marriage was created as a technology. When was it created? When women were property, essentially. I mean, it was created in medieval context. I mean, it was created essentially to preserve wealth. It was created to preserve lands, right? Royal families would marry each other and

rich families would marry each other to preserve land and to bring clans together. You know, the Game of Thrones mentality of, all right, I'm marrying this person, not because I love them, but because this makes sense. This family makes sense. This union of the clans makes sense. Fits our vision. Right. Okay. So that's the origin of marriage. At some point, 1920s, 1930s, it started turning into some romantic notion, right? Some notion of, well, I should have some. The movies. The movies brought that in.

You know, it's entirely possible. I mean, entertainment media is very much how people perceive. Advertising is the dream life of a culture. We started to convince people that, you know, marriage should be more about love. It should be more about romance. And then people became consumed by that model. Why? It's a compelling model.

It's a wonderful model. I mean, there's nothing more exciting than the initial days of a relationship. Somebody once said that there's nothing more exciting than getting married and nothing harder than being married. And so getting married, super fun. Courtship, those early days of a relationship, they're fantastic. They're fantastic. There's so many people you could have a really wonderful early relationship with. But how many people could you have 10, 20, 30, 40 years with?

So when you think about the fact that marriage was put together when women couldn't own property, when women were essentially sold, I mean, you'd trade a cow for the guy's daughter. I mean, that was what it was. There's still cultures where trade five livestock for my daughter, and that's the trade, you know? So now we're in a society where we've kept the same technology that was rooted in that. But we're in a place where men and women are both in the workforce.

Men and women both have obviously independent autonomous value and they're equals, at least in a theoretical sense, right? Even though there's still some inequality and patriarchy and things people have to figure out and deal with. The truth is, is that men and women have equality of opportunity, ideally. So now, what makes sense? You're no longer bringing together this overreaching man who's in charge and goes to work and this woman who's going to stay home and tend to the hearth, you know, and the children. We have two intelligent, autonomous men and women. And I didn't get into it in the book, but men and men and women and women. I mean, we have marriage equality now. We fought really hard for it so that, you know, gay couples and

lesbian couples could have the privilege of this failing technology, you know? And so we said, why should we have all the misery? Everybody sign up. And I've secretly believed that there were probably gay and lesbian individuals who'd been with their partners for long periods of time and secretly voted against marriage equality so they wouldn't have to have the conversation. Because if you think about it, when they weren't able to, they could be like, oh, I'd love to marry you, but oh,

the government won't let me. I wish, oh. And then all of a sudden, it's like, great, the government's letting us. Oh, okay. Well, I guess we have to have that conversation now. So I really do think that from a financial place, yours, mine, and ours, the basic idea of it is just to say, look, have some joint finances. Have some sense of, we'll have this account that joint money goes into. We'll pay for joint expenses from it. But then have some autonomy. Have your own individual accounts. Have something that you can use to, when you want to buy the other person a birthday present. I mean, if you have a joint account and I buy you a birthday present from that account, I bought myself a birthday present. So let a person have a little

autonomy financially, but have a joint account so there's still some sense of shared purpose financially. Yeah, I like that. What do you think is the real reason people cheat on each other? Is it these little things that have added up over time that people aren't paying attention to? I mean, I think at its core, it's the human need for connection. I mean, I think Esther Perel and, you know, there's a lot of people. She's incredible. Incredible. I love her work and I love, I think Esther Perel and, you know, there's a lot of people. She's incredible, incredible. I love her work and I love the way she thinks about things. Do you know her personally?

I don't, and I've secretly said to everyone to do a panel with her would be the coolest thing in the world, the future of marriage. You know, we really, because she has such incredible perspective and she comes at it from this mental health perspective and she comes at it from a really, like a hacker mentality.

I don't think she realizes it, but she is like, she wants to Uber marriage. Like she's thinking about like, well, why don't we do it different? Like what, instead of, you know, she's got that Silicon Valley approach, which is don't look at how we did it. Look at it and go, well, wait, what if we just ripped the technology apart and started from nothing? What could we do with it? You know? And I love that about her. And I love mating captivity. I think was like it was just a genius piece of work. Yeah, and again, I think if people understood those concepts before they got married or even thought about them You'd already be a step ahead of the game because identifying the problem is a huge piece of of the problem is that people never Identify it. Yeah, but I would say that that you know, I

think cheating is a function of losing that connection. And I also think it's about a human need for physical intimacy, physical attention, physical attraction. I think John Gray, for example, did great work. He's super intelligent with his ideas of, you know, men are from Mars, women are from Venus. And that, you know, men are like a microwave and women are like a slow cooker. You know, and that it takes us different sexually times to heat up and stuff. I think some of that was tied to some sexual mores. Yeah, there's some biochemistry there, but I think the truth is, is that women are now really becoming permitted to own their sexuality. We've become a more sex

positive culture. A lot of that misogyny that was motivating women to not be sexual beings started to fall apart. I don't know if it was Kim Cattrall and Sex and the City and Samantha. It was just this long-term thing. But I think men and women are very sexual. I see men who cheat. I see women who cheat. I see men who have been cheated on.

I see women who have been cheated on. And I can tell you men don't cheat more than women. Women don't cheat more than men. I stare at that, too. I mean, women cheat just as much. Women cheat just as much. They, in my experience, do it more intelligently usually than men. But yeah, they're not as impulsive or impetuous about it. Infidelity happens because people have a need, a sexual

need, you know, and they have a need. And sex is, they attribute it to Oscar Wilde, but I don't think it's fair. I don't think it actually came from him. I don't think they know who said it, but they said that everything in life is about sex except for sex, which is about power. And I think the truth of sex is that sex is a way we share our affection for each other. It's a way that we share our attraction to another person. And when that starts to fall away in a relationship, then people cheat. The question is, is how do you maintain that connection? Because that's why people cheat. The question is, is how do you maintain that connection? Because that's why people cheat. People who have happy, functional, active sex lives with their partner, and they're

really truly fulfilled by it, and they maintain intimacy. Intimacy is defined as the ability to be yourself with another person. So it's not about sex. Sex is ideally tied to intimacy, but you can have great intimacies and not have a sexual relationship with someone. You and I as friends can have tremendous intimacy. I can be myself with you. You can be yourself with me. But sex is a tremendous way for people to build intimacy and sustain intimacy. People say sex is the glue.

It's the glue that holds it together. Because what is it? It's the thing that separates a lover from a roommate. Yeah, yeah. It prevents it from just being. Because thing that separates a lover from a roommate. Yeah, yeah. It prevents it from just being, because if you just want to have a roommate, have a roommate. It's the sex that's the pillar of marriage. And so how do we maintain sexual connection with someone,

satisfying sexual connection? Again, it's not about how do I stay married? Easy, don't get divorced. How do I stay happily married? That's a much harder question. How do I keep having sex with the same person? Not a hard question to answer. Just keep having sex with them. How do I have satisfying sex with that person that's going to fill my needs and is going to prevent me from wanting to go have sex with other people? That's a more interesting

question. Well, how do you do that? I can tell you how you don't do it. How you don't do it is by not sharing with the person what you really want. There's a chapter in the book called Go Without or Go Elsewhere, where I basically say that if you don't share every sexual desire you have with the one person you're allowed to have sex with, you're an idiot. Because you're either going to go without it then, or you're going to go elsewhere to get it. And resent it. Yeah, yeah, and resent it. Or you're an idiot because you're either going to go without it then or you're going to go elsewhere to get resent it yeah yeah and resent it or you're going to have to go elsewhere and then potentially ruin the relationship you know i talk about a client i had who was in defeat you know in a sexual way and again it's not my thing i'm not a foot guy i mean like to me feet and sex it's like

i use my feet to get to bed to have sex other Other than that, the feet don't get into it. But this was this guy's thing. He loved feet. And in a really like intense way, like this was sexually, it was a fetish for him. And you know, you and I laugh at it, but the truth is it's actually a pretty generic thing, apparently. Like Google it. It's a pretty generic thing. People like it. And you know what? Attraction is so hard to understand. Desire is so hard to understand. Why do any of us like what we like? It's the reason why I've just never been homophobic. Because until I can articulate to you why I like what I like, how could I possibly judge you for the things that you like?

So the truth is that sexual desire is so complex and so hard to understand, you know, that we don't realize that there's a tremendous value in just identifying what you want and sharing it with your partner. And I say in the book, don't just in the middle of sex, like if you, you know, if you want your partner to talk dirty, you know, there's a very common thing is people like to talk dirty or to have someone talk dirty to them. All right. Maybe we watch too much porn and that's why we feel that way. Or maybe in the romantic films that people, you know, speak sexually to each other and that's why. Whatever. Maybe there's just something in us that likes the sound of our partner's voice. But we're like afraid to say something.

You know, we're afraid. Embarrassed or whatever. Right, you're embarrassed. You don't want the person to be like, wait, what? What the hell is wrong? You know, you don't want that to happen. So you hold it in. You don't say anything about it.

Who are you serving there? No. Maybe this is their fantasy too. You know, you have to be, again, what I say in the book is that people have great intentions and cause tremendous problems in their sexual relationships. So the following example is the best one I can think of. So you're with this sexual partner for, you know, initially. And initially you're having tons of sex and it's great sex. It's all new and it's exciting. And what starts to happen? You start to learn what the other one likes, right? You start to figure out, okay, she likes this and he likes this. And I do this first and then that warms up for this. And this is great.

And that's part of the fun of early days is figuring out, you know, what the other person likes. Well, then what starts to happen? Then you go, hey, listen, let's play the greatest hits, right? I know that this they love and this they kind of could care less. So I'm just going to do the greatest hits. I'm just going to, and you have good intentions. I mean, you're really, you're trying to do the right thing. You're, they're going to do your greatest hits. You're going to do their greatest hits and everybody's going to be so excited in much shorter period of time. And we'll be done before John Oliver comes on, you know, whatever it is, you know? So then what happens? Six months, a year, two years of just doing the greatest heads.

It gets boring. It starts getting, right? I mean, I get an album I like, and I love this song, I love that song. Play it a hundred times. When, you know, Zero to 100 by Drake came out, I probably listened to it a thousand times, right? Okay, so many times that then when I played it again, I'm like, oh my God, I can't hear the song. So the truth is, people with really good intentions create a sex life that creates discontent in their sex life. So then what happens, though? That's the key moment. What do you do? Well, if you're smart, you say, hey, you know what?

We're kind of always doing the same things. Let's change it up. Let's do something different. You hit send now. You send that email. You say, hey, you know, maybe I'd like to. Again, don't just call an audible in the middle of sex because the person's going to start to go like, well, where did that come from? Like we've been doing the greatest hits and all of a sudden you did this random thing, you know.

Think about it. Let them hear you. Well, I mean, the example of talking dirty, which I think is a pretty ubiquitous, simple kind of an example. Don't just start like straight up porn dialogue in your partner's ear if you've been silent all these years. Maybe say one or two little things and see what the reaction is. Gauge the reaction. Touch them in some body part you haven't before. See what the reaction is. And then have a conversation after about, oh, did you like that when we did that? Or, oh, did you, you know, I kind of threw that in there. What did you think of that? You know, that's the kind of communication that I think prevents people from losing the plot,

being stagnant, even with good intentions, and losing their sexual desire and attraction of the person that they're with. Because that is at the core, I have to tell you, of so many people who come into my office. They talk about, we stopped sleeping together six months, we stopped sleeping together three years ago, we haven't had sex in five years. People come into my office. I had somebody come into my office, no joke, last month said they hadn't had sex with their partner in eight years. What? Eight years.

You're a roommate. Yeah, you're a roommate. You're a miserable roommate. Oh, my gosh. No, because even a roommate, there's no expectation of sex. Right. Like, you don't see your roommate and go like, wow, we haven't had sex in a while. You're not supposed to have sex with your roommate.

But you're supposed to have sex with your sexual partner. You're supposed to have sex with your roommate, but you're supposed to have sex with your sexual partner. You're supposed to have sex with your spouse. And by the way, if we haven't had sex in eight years, can you get mad when I have sex with someone else? That seems wildly unfair, you know? So that's the trick. But you know what? The answer to that is, yes, you do have a right to be upset at that if we've never had a conversation about why we're not having sex, you know, and not figured that out. Because a lot of times, it's the, again, those little things. Look, anyone who's been in a relationship knows that you sit with your partner and you're having a conversation about the best way to get onto this highway

from this particular place. And it turns into a slight disagreement. And 10 minutes later, it's, you know, I never liked your mother. Oh, man. It's like, wait, how did we just get there? But anyone who's in a relationship knows the fight was about one thing, and then it turned into some other much bigger, deeper thing. So it's the same thing when it comes to infidelity. There was one conversation happening in the relationship about sex, and then all of a sudden you turn around and you're completely in a different place and you lost the plot. Yeah.

I was at a Cirque du Soleil show over the weekend in Vegas. And it was Zumanity, which is like the sexual, lovey, sensual one. Sure. And the host of the show, the drag queen, was asking questions to people who looked like couples. Right. Like, how long have you been married? How long have you been married? Are you married?

Are you together? And the drag queen asked one of the couples and was like, how long have you guys been married? And he said, we're not married, but we're life partners. And she goes, well, what does that mean? And then the guy took the mic and he said, we're not allowing the government or the state to dictate our relationship. Sure.

I thought that was an interesting perspective. Yeah. You know, what are all the things that the government or the state actually dictates when you sign a contract for marriage? Yeah. And, you know, the funny thing is, isn't it amazing that you live in a culture where marriage is everywhere and you don't know the answer to that? And I'm not saying you specifically.'t know the answer to that. And I'm not saying you specifically. Nobody knows the answer to that. Like I know probably 20 engaged people who don't know the answer to that.

You know, whoever discovered water, it wasn't a fish. And what happens in these situations is people are so surrounded by marriage as a technology that they don't ever stop and ask the question, like, wait a minute, what legally happens when I get married? So, I mean, what legally happens when you get married is, A, you opt out of the title system. So I have a car, it's in my name. It's titled in my name. I have a bank account, it's titled in my name. So title is the legal term for when someone's name is on something. So if you and I are friends and you own a car and it's in your name and I own a car and it's in my name, I'm taking your car now, Louis, because your car is in your name.

So you have proof of ownership of it. Okay. If I say, you know, Louis, I've bought a car. I have a Tesla. You have a Tesla. It's silly that we both have Teslas. Let's share a Tesla. So I'll put your name on my Tesla. And now we both are titled owners of that Tesla. Well, now if you and I have a parting of ways, we have to divide that Tesla somehow. And the law says, okay, we'll divide that based on how much you put into it and how much who repaired it or who fixed it up. So there's all kinds of ways to determine how the ownership interest, just like a business. If we start a business together, it's in your name, it's in my name, how are we going to divide it up? When you marry, you immediately opt out of the title system. So if it's in my name, it's ours. If it's in your name, it's ours.

Whatever one person owns. If I buy my wife a Rolex watch, I bought myself one half of a Rolex watch. If I get $10,000 in credit card debt, my spouse just got $5,000 in credit card debt. So you're opting out of this. So no one knows that. You're now opting in to certain systems regarding a lifestyle. So you're opting into systems about maintaining spousal support or alimony. What used to be called alimony is now called spousal maintenance or spousal support. And that is a system whereby if one person is an earner and the other person's less of an earner, that if there is a split between those people, that one person has to now make payments to the other person to maintain them in a certain level of lifestyle or rehabilitate their earning capacity. For life?

No, not necessarily for life. Every state has different formulas as to how they do things. And every state has different numbers and percentages and how many years you have to be married before the right to alimony kicks in. But again, people don't know those things when they sign up. People when they get married in New York State don't know, oh, 17% of my gross income less FICA is my child support exposure if I have a child, one child, 25% if I have two. People don't learn that. You don't get a piece of paper when you get married that explains that to you. You're signing up for a contract you don't know the terms of.

And again, I think you're just sort of assuming that it's a fair contract. You haven't read it, but you just assume it's a fair contract. Getting married is like when you just agree to the terms of service on the app that you just bought. You have no clue what it's— Right, no clue. But if that app could take half your 401K in your house and leave with your kids, you might read the terms of service before you just kept hitting accept, you know? And that's the reality. You know,

that's why I think if you put engaged people in the office of a divorce lawyer and just say, hey, listen, I mean, one of the- The pamphlet, yeah. Look, I do more prenups now than I ever did before. And more and more people are getting prenuptials. Do you think it's smart to have one? Absolutely. No matter what. It's not only smart to have one, it's incredibly foolish not to have one. No matter who you are, no matter where you're at in your relationship,

no matter how romantic you are, and how you're like, we're going to be together forever. Look, I don't plan on dying, but I have a will. I know I'm going to die. You have life insurance. Every marriage is going to end. It's either going to end in death or divorce. But know I'm going to die. Every marriage is going to end. It's either going to end in death or divorce, but it's definitely going to end. There's no such thing as a marriage that lasts forever. It's either going to end in death or divorce. Do you have a will? Okay, your marriage

is going to end in death, so you have a will, right? Your marriage might end in divorce, so why not have a prenup? By the way, why not have a prenup for the reason I'm talking about, which is just to have some discussions about what do you expect from this marriage? Why are we afraid of that discussion? Why can't you sit down with a person who you've been dating for that period of time and who you apparently like that much that you've decided you want to have this person be the one you hold hands with as you walk into all of the challenges of the world?

You can't have a conversation with them and say to them, if this ends, maybe it's your fault, maybe it's my fault, maybe it's our fault, maybe it's some third party's fault, whatever. If this ends, and I'm not saying it will, I love you, knock wood, you know, but if this ends, what do you think it would look like? What would it look like? Like, would you set my shit on fire? Would we like sit and say, okay, wait a minute, here's what I need. Here's what you need. Would you want half my things? Would I want half your things? What would be important to you? What would we do with the dog? You know, what would we do with, and having that conversation, by the way, I believe very much so, and I've heard it said many times on your podcast by a variety of professionals, we're the most alive in the presence of death variety of professionals, we're the most alive in the

presence of death. We're the most alive in the presence of loss and sadness. And so I think we're the most acutely aware of the value of love when we think about losing it. When we think about, what if this person was taken from me? What if this person who I love wasn't with me anymore? Like, what would I lose? What would I not have anymore? Because really, it's a conversation about value. It's a conversation about, what is this person bringing to my life and to my heart? And so, why not have that conversation?

That's a great conversation. We're storytellers, human beings. And my job is to tell stories. My job is to go into a courtroom and tell the story of a marriage to a judge in a way that flatters my client. Right, puts a halo on my client and horns on the other side. And I want to persuade them to see things my client's way. My client's the great parent. The other side's not the great parent, you know, if it's a custody case, whatever it might be.

So I'm a storyteller by nature. And I have to learn how to spin some of the same facts into different outcomes. And what I'll say is, I understand the power of stories, you know, and the stories we tell ourselves about our marriage and the stories we tell each other about our marriage. We've all been out to dinner with someone who we're dating or married to. And somebody says, so how'd you guys meet? And so you tell the sweet little story of how you met. And everybody kind of lights up a little bit. Everybody pays attention to that story. That's a fun story.

I like to hear that story. I like to hear, how did you meet your girlfriend? Oh, tell me about that. And by the way, your demeanor changes when you tell that story. You light up. Yeah, you light up a little bit. Right, and so I think people kind of, in that moment, there's a lot of reconnection to the love again, right?

There's a lot of reconnection to each other in that moment. Because why? Because you're talking about when this person wasn't with you and then they came to you and they added something to your life. Well, why not have that conversation when you're getting married? Why not have a conversation about what did I have before you? And if there was to be an after you, what would it look like for me? Because I think it's a very romantic conversation. I think it's a very romantic thing to speak so honestly to someone about, here's what you bring to my life.

Here's what I hope I bring to yours. If this ends in a way other than us dying, what would it look like? How would I express my love for you? You know, I'm very proud as a divorced man that my love for my ex-wife is still evident in my behavior. It's still evident in the fact that I've treated her with love and respect and I'm still someone who supports her as a person and who's still emotionally there for her. I've embraced the man she married because he's now part of my family, because he's part of my son's family. So that's an act of love to talk about how marriages end in a very fearless way.

And I think it'd be a great thing if people did it more often. Prenups are on the rise. People don't talk about the fact that they're getting prenups because it's just not something you don't on Facebook go, we just did our prenup. You don't. You post, oh, we just tasted cakes. Here it is. We just tasted cakes or, oh, we just found the venue. You don't say, like, just finish negotiating the prenup

or just finish talking about the prenup. But it's something people are doing because they're pragmatic and they're realistic. Yeah, yeah. Well, they know the stats too, 53%. So it's like let's be realistic. Like if something happens, hopefully it doesn't. Now you've been married, you've been married. You've been divorced.

Would you ever get married again? And do you believe in the technology in the way that it is right now still? Yeah, I believe very much in marriage. I think marriage is like the lottery. You're probably not going to win. But if you win, what you win is so good that it's worth buying a ticket. It's worth giving a try. My parents were married for over 50 years.

My mom passed away two years ago after a long battle with cancer. But they had a tremendous partnership. And their lives were better for having loved each other. And they had ups and they had downs and they had challenges. But their lives were really enriched by the fact that they married each other. I think the upside of marriage is so good and the downside doesn't have to be as bad as we make it. I think that's where Esther Perel's got it right

is we have to reinvent how we view marriage and we have to as a culture start talking about what's really going on in marriages and what's really happening with them and what's really going on in marriages and what's really happening with them and what's really important to us in marriage and why we're getting married. We have to start looking at marriage as a technology, not as some romantic sentiment. And I think if we do that, we're going to find ourselves in a better place as a culture. And that's a technology that might be worth signing on for, you know, but definitely a prenup. I mean, a prenup might be worth signing on for. But definitely a pre-nup. I mean, a pre-nup would be in order.

Gotcha. Now, so you would get married again. Let's say you got married and it worked and it was amazing and all the things happened that you wanted to happen and enriched both of your lives. But for whatever reason, you realize 10, 20 years later, it's not working for us anymore. Right. You decide to part ways again. Right.

Would you get married again? Third time. Great question. So here's what I'll say. Would you continue to do it? Would you say, you decide to part ways again. Would you get married again? Great question. So here's what I'll say. Would you continue to do it? Would you say, you know what, all right, I've done it a couple times. So I give, I think I'm- It's not working.

I had a client who I did his fourth divorce and a prenup for his fifth marriage. No way. Okay, and I had the same reaction as you. Yeah. But let me tell you what he said to me. And it was really, it stuck with me. This is 15 years ago. I said to him, because he's an older fellow at that point. And I said to him,

like, you know, look, you realize you don't like have to marry them, right? Like you can sleep with them. You can date them. You can even live together now. Like people don't have, because I thought maybe he's old school. Like maybe no one told him, you know, that it's okay. Like you can, you know, not from like the Vatican perspective, but like, it's okay. Like you can do this. Nobody's going to look at you culturally anymore and say, you know, shame on you. You're living in sin. So he said to me, look, he said, let's say you buy a car and you drive it for 20 years and it's super reliable and it gets you where you need to be, but eventually it just breaks down. So you go out and you buy a sports car. You buy a flashy, amazing sports car. And within six months, you realize this was a terrible idea.

This was impractical. This is not the right car for you. So you get rid of that car. And then you get another car that's closer to the first car. And you really think, okay, this is going to be the car. But for whatever reason, it just doesn't kind of mesh the right way. And maybe it's that you're driving habits after all these years or whatever it is. But it breaks down and you get rid of it. Are you going to just walk everywhere for the rest of your life? And I remember thinking, okay, that's not bad. The truth is that we want to maintain connection.

Marriage is not a decision that one person makes. It's a decision two people make. I mean, arguably more than two people because people get married not just for each other. They get married because their parents expect them to get married. Their culture expects them to get married. Their friends expect them to get married. So it's not even just about a personal decision between two people.

But no one ever gets married just because they felt like getting married. There has to be another person in the equation. So I think realistically, people just keep trying. I think it's foolish to say, well, if I had a failed marriage, I wouldn't get married. Listen, there are very few things in life that I was good at the first time I did it. Very few things. A lot of times I got to screw something up several times before I get it right. You know, I was bad at juj time I did it. Very few things. A lot of times I gotta screw something up several times before I get it right. You know, I was bad at Jiu-Jitsu for a good five years before I got even vaguely good at it. You know, the first time somebody handed you

a baseball bat or threw a spiral, you know, you didn't catch a football and go, oh yeah, I know how to do this now. It's something that you really have to fail, you have to suck at before you get good at it. So marriage might be that kind of thing. You might have to suck at marriage a little bit. Now maybe you can suck at it and improve at it. So marriage might be that kind of thing. You might have to suck at marriage a little bit. Now, maybe you can suck at it and improve at it during the marriage. Or maybe you suck at it, you have to end the marriage, and you go, okay, let's try this again. It's a very

personal thing, I think. And it has to really do with, I'm always afraid that anything I say about marriage is going to come off as an endorsement of or a condemnation of marriage. And it's not that. marriage is going to come off as an endorsement of or a condemnation of marriage. And it's not that. Again, it's a technology. I'm not for or against mugs. I just know what purpose they're supposed to serve. And I know what problems they potentially create. And then the question is, is do you have that problem? Not do I have that problem. You know, if you say, is marriage good for who? For me or for you? Or for your cousin? Or for your mom? You know, those answers are going to be different. Is that shirt good? Yeah, that shirt's good for you. It wouldn't fit me. Yeah.

So the question really is about, does this technology make sense for you? And if you live in the tundra, your Tesla doesn't make sense. So could I then say, well, Teslas are stupid? No, Teslas just don't make sense for you. So I think marriage, why can't we look at marriage the same way? Why does marriage have to be one size fits all? And again, that's the kind of stuff that Esther Perel, I think, says so eloquently. She said it on the show is that, you know, it doesn't have to be, it's about the two people that are in that marriage and the larger context of the group they're in and figuring out what, if then that makes sense, you know, not just is marriage good or bad what do you share you have two kids you said two kids what what advice do you give to them on marriage i've always

told them to take it seriously just take marriage seriously i mean my one son is 19 the other one's soon to be 21 my older son is at the age where i i married his mother um and we remind him of that constantly and he's completely freaked out by it and my younger son is at the age where I married his mother. And we remind him of that constantly. And he's completely freaked out by it. And my younger son is at the age where I moved in with his mother. He's also equally freaked out by that thought. But I'm very blessed in the sense that my sons grew up with a sense of marriage as a technology because of what their father does for a living. And also because we had to explain to them at the ages of, you know, 10 or 8 and 10, we had to explain to them in a way that kid could understand. And the way we chose to do it was to say to them a very specific thing. We said to them, you know, mom and dad

don't love each other in the very specific way married people are supposed to. But we both love you and you're only going to have one mom and one dad and we're always going to be a family. And we repeated that over and over and over and over again, you know, because think about like break that down a little bit. It's not mom and dad don't love each other. No, mom and dad love each other. There's a lot of people I love I wouldn't want to be married to. We don't love each other in the very specific way married people are supposed to love each other. And very specific way married people are supposed to love each other. And kids can understand that because kids know the way I love grandma, the way I love mom, the way I love my teddy bear are three different ways. So it's okay to say, you know,

I love this person, but I don't love them in the very specific way a married person is supposed to love their spouse, you know? And that to me is what I've always tried to say to them. It's just when you marry, if you're thinking about what I've always tried to say to them. It's just when you marry, if you're thinking about getting married, take it seriously. Ask yourself, what problem am I trying to solve by marrying this person? Look at honestly what they want, what you want, and what will likely happen in your life. Just like that car example. Yeah, you don't know what's going to happen in life, but there are certain predictable things that you can think about. You know, I'm going to get older. I'm going to, my health will fail eventually at

some point. I may want to have kids. I mean, I'm going backwards, but you know, we will have misfortune sometimes. We'll have challenges. So knowing what you're likely to come up against, does this person make sense? And if the answer is yes, then, you know, give it a shot. Have a prenup and give it a shot. Yeah. Is there a marriage that you admire a lot that you've seen? I have, yeah. I mean, I have, I don't have a famous person marriage I could point to, although I think Ted Danson and Mary, I forget what her last name is, they seem to be each other's fans in a huge way. I mean, I love when you see couples that have been together for an extended period of time and they're just still cheering for each other. They're just still like so like in this person's corner.

And they just look at them like I'm so proud of them. I'm so excited about them, you know. And that to me is those are relationships worth having. I have a real relationship role model. I have two very dear friends who have been married for a little over 20 years. I knew them when they were in college. We all went to college together. They have two sons who are roughly the same age as my sons. And they still, she still refers to him as her boyfriend and he still refers to her as his girlfriend. And she'll write on her Facebook, like, oh, my boyfriend's coming home today because he travels a lot for work. And she'll say, oh,

my boyfriend's coming home today. You know, Jimmy Iovine, the record executive and genius, said, because he's had an incredibly successful marriage and an incredibly happy marriage, long-term marriage. The second one or the, because he was married for a while

and then he got married, right? This is his current marriage. Yeah, yeah. His current marriage. But he's been married for an extended period of time. Got it. And his secret to it that he's pretty open about is never stop closing your wife.

He just never, he's like, I'm always just trying to close. I'm always just trying to like impress her, woo her. It's never finished. It's never finished. Never finished, right. It's always this, and that's why I said that, you know, marriage is hard if you think paying attention is hard. If you don't think paying attention is hard, marriage isn't that hard. So it really is about, like, I see in this, my relationship role models, I see in them this constant, like, they wouldn't forget to get the granola.

They wouldn't stop doing that little thing. That little thing that lets the other person know, man, I like you. I'm cheering for you. Like, I want it to be good. Yeah, yeah, that's cool. Make sure you guys get for you. I want it to be good. Yeah, that's cool. Make sure you guys get this book. I think it's really cool. If you're in my office, it's already too late.

A Divorce Lawyer's Guide to Staying Together. Make sure you check this out. I think it's going to be really powerful. You can get it right now. A couple final questions for you. This is called The Three Truths. And if this was your last day many years from now and all the stuff you've

written and talked about and everything you've experienced and all your dreams you've had come true, but you wouldn't be able to leave them behind. You'd have to take them with you. So no one would have access to all your information, your message, your content, the things you've done. You'd have to bring it with you when you pass on. But you got to leave behind a piece of paper that said your three truths, three things you need to be true about all your experiences in life, whether it be from your career, work, love, relationships, parenting, whatever it may be. These are only three lessons you can leave behind. What would you say are your three truths? So I would say the first one would be that the hard thing to do and the right thing to do are almost always the same thing.

Because I think that that's something I've learned in every aspect of my life. That the hard thing and the right thing are almost always the same thing. The second thing would be it's all about connection. I would probably just write it's all about connection. And I would hope that the person would understand what I meant, that there really was nothing else at the end of the day. That everything we do in our lives, whether it's our desire for sex, our desire for money, our desire for art, to create art, to create beauty, it's all about connection. We're just trying to connect to each other. And

that's the beauty of it. And that's the tragedy of it. Because in my office, I see the beauty of it. And then I see the tragedy of it when we lose that connection or when we miss that connection or when we let that connection fall apart. So I would say it's all about connection. And the third thing, and it's probably a shallow thing to say, but I would say don't take it so seriously. I think when I look back on my life as a 45-year-old man, you know, solidly midlife, I look back on it and I think to myself that there really are only five or six moments that when I think about my life, I go, wow, that was such a great moment. And none of them when it was happening did I realize how great it was. You know, I think back now, I just had this thought the other day, because both my sons are in college now. And my youngest, I became an empty nester in September

when my youngest went off to college. And I was thinking the other day about if I had to think of a moment in my life that was like just the greatest moment. And it wouldn't be like when I graduated law school or when I, you know, won some trial or when my book was published, you know. It would be like some night when I was divorced for a year or two and I, you know, went to the store and got just what the kids like to eat because they were coming for the weekend. And I like made them dinner and they sat at the table doing their

homework. And we were just together and I felt like a really engaged, wonderful, loving father. You know, it wasn't the kind of father I had. My father was like a, of his generation, kind of a father. You know, he drank and he kind of, you know, didn't talk too much about feelings or anything like that. He wasn't the kind of man that would read the Masculinity. But to me, those little moments, those unexpected little moments, it's everything. And so just don't take all of the other stuff so seriously.

Because when you look back, even in a marriage, there are moments in that marriage that while it's happening, you had no idea that that was the best it was going to get. So just cultivate space and leave opportunity for those ridiculous little moments. And don't take the rest of it so seriously. I like those. Yeah, that's cool, man. I want to acknowledge you for a moment, Jim, for there's a lot of pain that couples go through. It's a lot of heartache, a lot of misery. There's a lot of stress, anxiety through the divorce process. So for you to give some great information from your almost two decades of insights to be able to hopefully prevent a lot of the pain that people don't need

to go through. I want to acknowledge you for using your gifts, for using your information and presenting in a way that is fun and interesting and inspiring, but also informational. So we can hopefully not make a lot of mistakes that 53% of people do make. Not even mistakes, but just being aware going into what we're doing and having all the information laid out. Yeah, I'd love to put myself out of business. I say it all the time. I'd love to put myself out of business.

I don't think it'll happen. I don't think that any, I think the truth's out there in a lot of things, but can people apply the truth and are people interested in hearing it? I don't know. I hope so. It's the same thing with nutrition. There's a lot of nutritionists that would love to put themselves out of business

when all the information is available for us. For some reason, we keep making the same mistakes or getting obese or hurting ourselves in that way too. But you've got a powerful gift and I'm glad that you're able to present this information in a fun and interesting storytelling type of way. So I acknowledge you for all that you're doing, man. I'm glad you came on. I think this will be fascinating for a lot of people.

Final question before I ask it, make sure you guys get the book. We'll have it linked up with everything else talked about on this page, on the resources, on the show notes. The final question is what's your definition of greatness? I would say greatness is diving deeply into what you do, everything that you do, just diving deeply into it. And the tragedy of our time is people spending five days a week looking forward to two, you know, 50 weeks a year looking forward to the two weeks vacation they get. You know, to me, greatness is about identifying and diving deeply into the things that make you feel alive and that make you feel connected. You know, again, it's all about connection. I mean, it's ridiculous that a divorce lawyer

who disconnects people for a living is preaching the gospel of connection. But that's the truth. It's about connection. It's about connecting to yourself, connecting to other people. So I would say the definition of greatness for me is about just diving deeply into connection.

Great to see you, Lewis. Thanks so much for having me. Appreciate it. There you have it, my friends. If you thought this was as fascinating as I did, make sure to share this out with your friends. Tag me on your Instagram story right now. Go do this right now.

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Again, every single week, our mission is to bring you some of the most inspiring human beings in the world at the top of their game who have learned the secrets to achieving greatness, who have been there, who have gone through adversity, who have overcome so much and come out on top. I am seeking the world for the greatest minds, the greatest leaders, the greatest athletes, the greatest billionaires, anyone who I think we can learn from at the highest level. This is the school of greatness.

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the best in the world at what they do. Again, relationships are the key to success in life. And if we are always in conflict in relationships, then there's always going to be a challenge that holds us back. And Matthew Hussey said that 50% of great relationship is how you treat someone. The other 50% is having the ability and confidence to communicate the treatment you want in return. So if you enjoyed this, make sure to check out the show notes at lewishouse.com slash 626. Again, watch the full video there, share it out with your friends, let me know what you thought. And as always, you know what time it is. It's time to go out there and do something great. Bye. Outro Music