The School of Greatness - 637 Sex, Love and Relationships From Master Coaches

Episode Date: May 7, 2018

"When you become rare, people become really terrified of losing you." - Matthew Hussey I know I get huge value every time I sit across from an expert and hear their wisdom about one of the most important parts of my life -- my relationships. We've had some amazing relationship coaches on the podcast through the years, but some of the episodes are so old, I know you may not remember them (or have ever heard them). That's why I wanted to put together another mashup episode from the archives to share some of these gems with you. If you enjoyed last week's mashup episode on High Performance Habits, you're going to love this one. We're first featuring a clip from my good friend and global dating icon Matthew Hussey. This is still one of the most popular episodes we've ever recorded. Then we dive into part of my conversation with Tracy McMillan, an Oprah favorite, a long-term TV writer, and relationship expert. I love how real and honest Tracy is in this episode. Last, we feature the master therapist herself, bestselling author and powerhouse coach Esther Perel (who has been on the podcast twice and spoken at Summit of Greatness). I think you'll love each clip for a different reason -- and I want to know! Let me know by messaging me on social media @lewishowes. If you're looking for some insight into making your intimate relationships better, look no further than this mashup Episode 637. In this episode you will learn: The problem with having a sense of entitlement in dating (5:05) What makes you attractive beyond your best quality (10:10) The biggest mistake people make in dating (12:41) How to get through the rough patches of a relationship (17:13) The importance of humor in relationships (19:35) How to work with your partner when they are triggered (20:55) Why monogamy is a choice (26:45) Plus much more...

This is episode number 637, The Masters of Relationships. Welcome to the School of Greatness. My name is Lewis Howes, a former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur. And each week we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin. Henry Ford said, coming together is a beginning.

Keeping together is progress. Working together is success. This episode's a little different, my friends. We did something last week all about high-performance habits where we took highlights from people like Tony Robbins, Mel Robbins, Brendon Burchard, and others, and we gave you some incredible wisdom in one episode from these highlights on one topic.

And we thought we'd do it again on the keys to powerful relationships, marriage, sex, love from the world's greatest relationship experts and coaches. And again, if you haven't listened to the last one on high performance habits, make sure to listen to that after this one. But this one right here, we're featuring Matthew Hussey, my good friend, and one of the leading experts on relationships for women on how to get the guy and keep the guy in thriving relationships. We also have Tracy McMillan, which was a huge hit a number of years ago that most people didn't hear, but I think she has some powerful nuggets that you're going to love. And then one of my favorites as well, Esther Perel.

Every sentence she says is just so valuable. I'm on the edge of my seat every time I hear her talk. So I know you guys are going to enjoy this one. Make sure to share it with your friends, lewishouse.com slash 637. And let me know your most favorite part from this episode. It doesn't matter if you're looking to date someone, you're looking to get married, you're in a marriage, or you just want to have better relationships in general. This one is going to be a powerful one for you. And before we dive in, I want to give a shout out to the fan of the week. This is from Kate Stu,

who said, without fail, after each School of Greatness podcast I listen to, I want to call up a loved one and gush to them about the guest speaker and their journey. This podcast will leave you feeling inspired, moved, and antsy to get out and make a difference in this world. Personally, this podcast has had a profound impact on my life. Lewis and his guests have provided me with comfort, wisdom, and motivation during what has been a very dramatic year. And Kate Stu goes on to share more and more and more, but we'll leave it at that. And again, big thank you to Kate Stu. If you guys haven't left a review yet,

we're just about 3,000 five-star reviews over on the podcast, which humbles me. So I appreciate all the feedback and the support. And if you haven't left a review, make sure to head over there on your podcast app or just go to iTunes and you can leave a review on the School of Greatness would mean the world to me. All right, guys, I'm excited about this one. Again, for me, the key to success in life is relationships. Without relationships, it's hard to create anything, really. It's hard to get to where you want to be in your career. It's hard to get to where you want to be personally. It's hard to build a family. It's really hard to be happy if you're just alone all the time.

We thrive from a community and through intimate, personal, deeply connected relationships. So without further ado, let me introduce you to the masters of relationships on this episode, 637. I think there's something of a sense of entitlement that most of us have, or that most people have when they're going out to date, where they somehow feel like they're just owed the love of their life that it shouldn't be difficult that um that they don't have to do anything that it's enough that they are just them you know it's the you know that there's i don't know if you've ever seen bridget Jones, but there's a, there's a line in Bridget Jones where, forget his name, Colin Firth, I think it is. He's, he's looking at Bridget and he's, I think he says, I love, exactly how you are, I love you. Like, no changes, nothing. I love you exactly how you are.

how you are and it sometimes we feel like we're owed that and it kind of becomes an excuse again not lazy to grow not to you know i don't frankly it doesn't really matter what you think you're owed in love yeah no one cares i think it's the same thing with work and you know some people are entitled and they think it's a job yeah and so the biggest criticism i get all the time which i'm happy with as a criticism of my advice is well why do you need to do all of this stuff why can't you just you know go through life and and you know when the time is right you'll know why do you have to do all of these techniques i'm happy with that criticism if you if you if that's what you think, you're not my audience. Because my audience are the same people that go to a business seminar to make more money. They're the same people that say, you know what?

If I want to start a business, I might actually need to know what the hell I'm doing. It's not enough to have confidence in life. You have to have competence. You have to actually know what you're doing and and that's what a lot of people don't know in their love lives if you for example there's there's something i come i came to understand i was i remember once having a breakup it was the most painful breakup i've ever had i was really really in a bad way over it and a while later i spoke to this to this woman on the phone and i had said to her on the in a brave moment on the phone i

said why did why did you want to break up because by the way you talked to the woman you're dating yeah the the one that had later on the phone later like a year or two later it was less raw i was feeling a little more how long was the relationship for a couple of years okay well and um uh and i was i was pretty caught up about it now the funny thing was uh to make a long story short she had actually done something i didn't like and that i thought was inappropriate and disrespectful and i remember going to her the next day and saying i think we need to break up during the relationship she did this yeah and uh she then said to me okay that was when i knew she was breaking up with me it wasn't it wasn't you know when you you think you're breaking up

with them no no she was already doing it she was breaking up with me uh and it was what was so painful about it is that she was she didn't mind uh i was i thought she might get upset i thought no she didn't mind and that was the most painful part about it and i shouldn't even fake it you know most women would fake that they might i can't believe this but they're really i know i know no she looked like she was okay this is a good decision so i so i i remember a while later we were on the phone and we became we're friends today we're very good friends in fact and uh i had said to her on the phone um why did we break up i said what what was it for you that i wasn't doing and i braced myself for the answer she said do you really want to know honest feedback and i said i literally thought to myself wait do i really want to know and i said i gritted my teeth and i went yeah i want to know she said um you were boring and wow there was so much worse than i thought it would

be do you know what i mean like not not just like oh well you know it was just i was young and i was you know wanted to be free no you were boring it was really cutting and i i remember resisting the urge to bite back and i said that wasn't boring right exactly i said no you're shut up idiot just you asked the question so now listen so i said why was i boring she said you she said when i first met you you were the most ambitious person i'd ever met and she said i never met someone with such an ability to decide they want something and then get it and she said it was so sexy she said but as we went into our relationship the more time went on the more that was all you were you were super ambitious you knew how to get what you want but it you were so one-dimensional you know it was

all you did even in our free time you were just you're on the phone you're on your laptop you would talk about your business you were always talking shop there was never anything else you had to talk about we didn't do anything spontaneous we never went and had adventures it was just all one track and she said it got boring yeah i said wow she was right she was right there was nothing i could argue with and i realized something in that moment the thing that makes that one quality can make you really attractive right but it won't keep someone can make you get the person right it can make you sexy it can make you uh intriguing um can make you intriguing. Mysterious. Right.

But it can even, for a time, make someone worship or idolize you. One quality. But one quality will not hold someone. Because the reality was there was a flip side to ambition, which would have made it eminently more attractive. And there are a few right if you pair ambition say with an ability to enjoy life now that person is really super sexy you you you combine ambition with a sense of spontaneity for example adventure very very sexy yes ambition on its own is when you look at it from afar very very attractive you go women will say i want an ambitious man i like that but when

they get up close if it's only one side to a coin it quickly becomes unattractive the uh someone i'm a big fan of or unfortunately has passed but christopher hitchens he um he once said about love that the challenges in not allowing your strengths to negate themselves wow and that's very powerful statement because my ambition was my greatest strength that also had the ability to be the thing that crippled me uh because what happens is when you get good at something and you get validation from it you keep doing it and get better at it and it becomes if you're not careful a muscle that you that you train to the point of mutation and then every other part of you is is is not working is it has atrophied yeah so now, you have a complete imbalance.

Uh, it's like, uh, you know, I remember working out at the gym once and my trainer, I was, I was, uh,

doing pull-ups and was trying to work out my back. My back was fine. I could keep going. And then all of a sudden my, my forearms gave up while I was trying to pull myself up. And I said, this is so annoying. We're trying to work my back,

but my four and my back's fine, but my forearms have given up. Right. He said, you're only as strong as your weakest link. If your your forearms aren't aren't there you're not going to be able to train your back as well as you could yeah so so here's the the the point about this which i find very interesting about dating to your point of what's the biggest mistake people make apart from of course the entitlement it's overliance on a key strength that they have come to rely on as their source of validation, success, confidence.

Right. Over-reliance on that. I had come to over-rely on essentially being ahead of the curve for my age. Yeah. That was like the thing that I was always based my confidence on was I am way ahead of the curve for people my age. My business is going great. Correct. The people I grew up with in my age group are not where I am. Still living at home.

But guess what? That alone is boring. Yeah. It's boring and it doesn't make an interesting, rounded, sexy person. But when you combine it with something else it becomes what i call unique pairing it's a bit like if i if i wanted to really get a woman attracted tonight not me but like send a guy out to get a woman attracted i could literally if if he went in and he was a little cocky and teasing but in the right way not an arrogant obnoxious butnoxious, but just he knew how to play with her.

And then a couple of hours later, you know, maybe it's getting late. He comes out of the restroom and after being teasing and playful and silly, he says, you know what? It's getting late. I called you a car. I don't want you walking outside. And he says, I have to go as well i have to get up early he takes her outside um he gives her a little kiss he says all jokes aside i've had the best night with you tonight i'll call you later this week puts her in the car car drives away

that woman will be going oh crap i like this guy now the reason wasn't because he was a gentleman and it wasn't because he was cocky and teasing it was because he was both of them yeah it's the and if he does just one thing it's not interesting enough because you can replace the cocky guy like that yes women know that yes they can go out tonight and meet a cocky guy in Hollywood any night of the week. They can go out the next, they don't even have to go out the next night. They can turn to their left and meet another one straight away. By the way,

they, even though people complain about chivalry is dead, you can go out and meet a gentleman. You can go out and meet lots of nice guys. That's all they are. Right. Incredibly boring. Women will never,

they don't hold a woman. Right. So, but now you find like what seems to be a good man, but with an edge. That's a unique pairing. And that's someone that becomes not an attraction, but an addiction. And there's a big, big difference. So I believe that we will actually, I believe these pairings already exist within us, but we've over-trained certain muscles. We've over-trained certain qualities that we've gotten used to as habit. For some people, it's being funny. For other people, it's being intellectual and they're the person that knows everything about everything. They've read every book. They can always quote so-and-so. For others, it's being sed seductive that's the thing they got really good at so they're really good at you know getting someone into bed or or getting someone sexually attracted

but they're never the person you want to eat pizza with the next day you know so it's like it's finding those combinations that make you go oh my god the person i was with last night they were this and they were this it's the and the and is where i wonder what else they could do exactly and you and by the way that's what makes it so hard i say this to everybody if you want to know why you found it so hard to get over a certain x look for the unique pairing because they had multiple things there was there was some unique pairing that made you feel like they were difficult to replace. And that's what scares us. The more unique pairings you have, the more you become a rare bird in the dating marketplace.

And when you become rare, people get really terrified of losing you. Well, again, this is where I engage with faith. And I engage with a higher power. Because, you know, I'm down here on the human plane. It is not Google satellite view. It's not Google Earth. You're not way up here in your life having a crystal ball, knowing everything. way up here in your life going having a crystal ball knowing everything so for me you know on in one way you want to note how you feel but then in another way it's like there's not one

relationship on this planet that doesn't that feels good all the time because when you're coming up against your own material it doesn't feel good so you have to be willing to not feel good. A lot of the time. Yeah. Sometimes a lot of the time, you know, it's more like sometimes you don't feel good. A lot of the time, sometimes you feel good. Most of the time it's like, you just have to roll with it. So how do I, I was on the phone with a girl yesterday who, um, and she's like, well, how do I know if this relationship is right for me? I'm like, I wouldn't think so much in those terms. I would say, what am I here to learn today? What is this relationship teaching me today?

What is it asking me to look at in myself? Why don't I just look at that? Right now. Right this second. Not worrying about like five years from now, is it going to work out? Or what happens if this happens in the future? And not even focusing on the relationship, focusing on myself and what I'm here to look at. Okay.

And then see what happens as I start to look at myself and focus on what I'm learning and practicing what I need to practice. Because there's always a lesson. There's always a practice, spiritual practice, a growth that's trying to happen. practice, a growth that's trying to happen. So as I focus on that growth, what I found is that the relationship tends to find an equilibrium, you know, and then if it's supposed to go away, it will just go away and it will easily go away with ease and grace. If it's supposed to stay, it will stay and I will somehow make it through that tough day or that tough week or whatever it is. So I sort of take the focus off. Is this the right person?

Yeah. That's not the right question. Interesting. I don't think it's the right question. I think that leads us to swap out people. Right. And there I still am. And putting it on other people, not on ourselves.

Saying I haven't found the right fit yet or whatever. Yeah, totally. Somebody keep swapping around. Yeah. Keep going from guy to guy or girl to girl. right fit yet or whatever. Yeah, totally. Keep swapping around.

Yeah. Keep going from guy to guy or girl to girl. And like, I'm that person who, I always joke that I'm that person who I could be lying, if like, if I did that and just did what came naturally to me, I would be lying on my death bed holding the hand of my new boyfriend. Because I'm just going to. That you met like six months prior. Yeah. Because I'm just going to keep swapping out for the next person.

Not everybody's like that, but I know that I am. Yeah, yeah. Again, it's about knowing yourself. Interesting. You know? I like that. I like that. What's the importance of humor during all the challenging, messy times, frustrating,

triggering times that come up for you? To me, it's everything. Like, I think everything's funny. Okay. It's all funny. There's a humorous aspect to everything because Why do you think people put so much weight on these situations that come up for them in relationships

or he or she did, said this? Yeah. Why do you think there's so much weight? To me, it's like some unresolved childhood thing. Basically, there's a saying, if I'm hysterical, it's historical. So if I'm having a big, giant reaction to something, it's old.

There's a reason. It's old. It's from history. It's from mommy, daddy, toddler. I don't know when. But it's old. Because you're reacting based on a fear or a trigger or something that caused that in the past. It's so much bigger.

Yes. Than the moment. Exactly. If the reaction is super big to like a very small thing, chances are it's related to something in the past, like something old. So how does someone be aware of that? Let's say we're in a relationship and you freak out for some reason or something.

How can I then work with my partner in that moment to not react and be like, you crazy woman. Exactly. Which would be a trigger for me in my past to do the same thing. How can someone be trained to... That's hard. That is really hard work. Be calm and loving and humorous, but not offensive.

Exactly. That's the key. Well, I think the first thing to know is that if we were really into each other when we first met, chances are the stuff that triggers me is going to interlock with the stuff that triggers you. So we just got to know if we're going to spend a whole probably year or maybe more just crashing into each other. into each other. Just crashing into each other like, I'm going to have one of my big reactions, that's going to trigger some really old stuff for you, and then that's going to trigger really old stuff for me, and then do, do, do, do, do. Then it's time to roll up your sleeves and get to work in the relationship. So that's like maybe, you know, somewhere between, let's say you have your first fight about six months in, somewhere in there. The honeymoon wears off somewhere between a year and 18 months. It's like, you know, and

this is all chemical. There's like all these neurotransmitters that are happening for the first six to 18 months that gradually drop off and then things start to get real. And so then these triggers will happen. And if you know that's coming, then it's like, I mean, I recommend therapy for everybody, you know, and if it's too intense to do therapy together then you do it on your own and they say you know you bring your problems to your therapy and your um whatever you're doing to like grow as a human and you bring the solutions to the relationship so then as you work through these and you stay committed one day at a time you're staying committed, staying committed.

And then as these things, little by little, you'll start to see. They'll start to like, you'll get a little bit of space in there. Where I have a reaction and this time you're able to be not triggered. More compassionate, loving. Well, and just be detached. Like, oh, that's Tracy and her dad thing again. Right. And I don't have to take it personal this time.

Yeah. But that, I don't think anybody should be surprised when that takes a couple years. Right. Especially if you haven't been trained or you don't have the tools on how to handle those emotions. Because it can be very messy. And our egos can get in the way and mess things up even more. And now, exactly. And at times, people will choose a partner who doesn't trigger them that much that's another solution but a lot of times those relationships aren't as rich because being

triggered is really an opportunity to resolve a bunch of stuff it's like a really rich place what happens if after two years you're not being triggered anymore by your partner does that mean you should just go on the next one or it's not rich anymore different people have different again this is where you got to know who you are like some people i want a certain amount of intensity i know that yeah i want like a dynamic whoa operating yes i that's what i need now i've had them quite a relationship and that isn't doesn't fit me as well not as spicy and it's just that i'm interested in it's like some people are interested in like the black diamond ski run and other people you know and it's there's no right or wrong it's just about what's right for

you and are you a match with your partner what's your definition of love um yeah well i have so many um love to me like the biggest definition is it's it's like that pervasive force that is everywhere and that when you tune into it you're in it and it it's not um it can be extrapolated in any direction it could be in your work it could be you know walking down the street it could be in a love relationship like a sexual relationship it could be between parent and child so there's just like this thing that is there and it's it's always there it's everywhere and you can tune into it or not. So when you tune into that, you're in love. Right. And then from there comes what we think of as like romantic love or romantic love is, to me, it's service. It's like I'm here to help you become more you, for me to become more me, and to walk a path with you.

you for me to become more me and to walk a path with you right and just like in my relationship we talk a lot about sitting on the end of the bed for the other person you know like i just sometimes you just you need a friend there's just somebody to nature biologically evolutionary monogamous it's a practice it's a choice and it's not our makeup no yeah and it's a choice then and it's and monogamy is a continuum are you you mind, you have fantasy, you have memory, you have a lot of things. At what point do we become non-monogamous? Where does non-monogamy start? And all of these concepts are fluid concepts today.

There is just no way to define it like that. Right. So we make our choices and we make compromises and we sometimes don't just do what we want and we often need to think about the consequences of our actions and we need to think about the larger picture and something that may be perfectly desirable for tonight may not be worth it right for the next weeks and the next years. Yeah, exactly. And I think that in the era of self-fulfillment and the right to happiness,

we don't have more desires today than the previous generations. We just feel more entitled to fulfill our desires. And we feel that we have a right to be happy, my personal happiness. and we feel that we have a right to be happy, my personal happiness. The switch, the greatest switch, is from a social organization in which I think about the well-being of others.

Collectivist thinking thinks about the well-being of others and I sacrifice my own individual needs for the well-being of others. To the other side of the continuum is I have a right to pursue my individual needs and the others will have to adapt to it. And I think that we are a little bit on the extreme end of the other side at this point.

We really take ourselves a little very seriously and sometimes at the detriment of other people to whom we do have an obligation and a commitment to, not just our partners. The world. The world. So where should we be?

Somewhere in the middle, you think? In an examined state. I don't know that it's always in the middle, but in an examined state, in a state that doesn't just say what I like, what I feel, the fact that I have options doesn't mean I have to exercise all these options. The problem of consumer life is that we don't know anymore to make choices. Same with the cereals in the supermarket. Why would it be better with love?

So I could get better. I could get better. I'm like, you know, I'm a victim of FOMO. You know, how do I know this is the best? No, you don't. When do I find the best? No, you don't. You don't find your partner.

You choose your partner. It's very different. You know, if you think you're going to find somebody who is the person who's going to make you stop looking, it doesn't work this way. Really? No, it doesn't. Because at some point, your inner rumblings will start up again. And then you will say, oh, probably it's not. Start looking.

You know, it's like you just say, this is it. This is where I decide to put my my roots in this moment you know and i'm gonna and i'm gonna try to deepen them i think we are all living with paradoxes of choice yes you know from from which phone i get but we cannot commodify a partner and just kind of beta test the partner and beta test the relationship and check out to see is it good enough or can i find better l yes you can the fact is you could find other i'm not sure it would be better but you definitely can find other yeah and there are lots of people you can love and there's only a few you can make a life with and they're not always the same there are a lot of people you can have

love stories with right and have beauty but they're not the person you would make a lot of people you can have love stories with and have beauty, but they're not the person you would make a life with. How do you know when it's the person you can make a life with? I think values enter into there a lot more. You can have magnificent love stories with people you would never live with. They're just too

different from you. They have not the same values as you. One wants a child, one does does not one wants to travel the other does not one wants career the other the very major different classes different different well done showing as they used to say in german you know visions of the world but you can love them you can have a beautiful love story with that person and be transported in your experience with them. But you know that that's not the person with whom you're going to build a home, a future, a trajectory, maybe a family if you want that, that that's not the person we do. And for that, you need more of shared vision, shared mission, shared values,

stuff that is not just in the domain of feelings, but also in the domain of beliefs. It's different. Wow. Views about money, views about independence and separateness versus connection, views about emotional expressiveness, views about independence and separateness versus connection, views about emotional expressiveness, views about power. Wouldn't you say that those differences that we have also attract us to other people,

that we have some of those differences? Maybe we don't share the same values or beliefs, but it's also different, unique, interesting, and so it also brings us together, or do you think it's not enough? I think that what attracts you originally is often what becomes the source of conflict later. The very thing that is so attractive because it's different is also the very thing that becomes difficult because it's different. Interesting. So, of course, it's a mix and match. But what makes thriving relationships is not only feelings.

It's a mix of feelings, actions, beliefs, touches, physicality. It's a more all-encompassing thing. A beautiful love story can be just about feelings. And you can love more people than those that you can make a life with. That doesn't mean you make a life with people you don't love. But it means that there is a whole other set of ingredients that enter into the making of a life, which is the creation of a world.

It's a little different. Ooh, there you have it, my friends. I hope you enjoyed this one on dating and marriage and love and sex and relationships and all the juicy parts of life, the things that are our greatest teachers. Relationships, in my mind, teach us the most about ourselves, teach us the most about how we handle ourselves in the world, and teach us the most about where we are in our lives. And if you're not happy in your life, you get to look at the most important relationship, which is the one with yourself.

What are you doing? Are you honoring your word? Are you living in integrity? Are you following the thing that lights you up the most? Or are you beating yourself up? Are you saying negative things to yourself? And how is that reflected in the relationships of your life? Ooh, so juicy.

I know. I love this. If you enjoyed this one, make sure to share with your friends. LewisHowes.com slash 637. And let me know your favorite part of this episode. Tag the people who you heard from today on Instagram, Twitter, and give them a shout out as well. My friends, if this is your first time here, again, make sure to subscribe to the podcast

because we have powerful episodes coming every single Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. And we have some juicy ones coming up, my friends. Yes, indeed. Get ready. Big things are happening at the School of Greatness and I can't wait to share all these insights with you as I'm learning them myself as well. Again, lewishouse.com slash 637 for all the show notes and information. And as Henry Ford said it, coming together is a beginning. Keeping together is progress. Working together is success. Where are you at in your relationships right now?

Are you starting them? Are you keeping them? And are you working towards a greater future? I love you guys so very much. And you know what time it is. It's time to go out there and do something great. Bye.