The School of Greatness - 732 The Power of Erotic Intelligence with Esther Perel

Episode Date: December 14, 2018

“COMMITTED SEX IS PREMEDITATED SEX.” - ESTHER PEREL Let’s talk about sex. So often, we blame our lack of romance on our partner. We’ll say, “He or she just isn’t doing it for me anymore.�� But what if it’s your responsibility to make sure that you’re keeping the passion alive? If you are truly living your fullest life, you will create desire. Take ownership. That’s why, for this week’s Five Minute Friday, I want to share this conversation I had with world-renowned relationship expert Esther Perel who knows the key to making monogamous relationships successful. Belgian psychotherapist Esther Perel is the New York Times bestselling author of The State of Affairs and Mating in Captivity. Her celebrated TED talks have garnered more than 20 million views and she is also the host of the popular podcast Where Should We Begin? Esther says that it’s not the other person who turns you on or off. You turn yourself on by making sure you are connected to what lights you up. Learn how investing in yourself and pursuing your life force will help you want monogamy on Episode 732. In This Episode You Will Learn: The definition of “desire” (00:45) What makes someone want to be monogamous (1:30) What the biggest turn on is (2:10) How to experience love and desire at the same time (2:55) How to keep sex erotic (4:00).

This is 5-Minute Friday! Now Esther Perel is a Belgian psychotherapist notable for exploring the tension between the need for security and the need for freedom in human relationships. relationships. She's promoted the concept of erotic intelligence in a bestselling book, Mating in Captivity, Unlocking Erotic Intelligence, which was published in 2006 and has since been translated in 24 languages. She has given two TED Talks, which have received more than 8 million views. I heard her speak recently and it blew the audience away. What is desire? Desire is to own the wanting. If you ask people a question that goes like this, I turn myself off when? I turn myself off by? Not you turn me off when and what turns me off is. You're going to hear I turn myself off when I do emails, when I spend too much time on the phone, when I overeat, when I don't exercise,

when I have bad days at work, when I don't feel confident, when I numb myself, when I feel dead, when I don't feel thriving, when I'm not alive. You will really hear that it has very little to do with sex. And when you ask people, I turn myself on when or by, I awaken my desires. Not you turn me on when and what turns me on is, which is you're responsible for my wanting. What people will talk to you about is when I'm in nature, when I'm connected with my friends, when I get to do my sports, when I play music, I'm connected with my friends. When I get to do my sports, when I play music, when I listen to music,

it's stuff that gives me pleasure, that is alive, that is vibrant, that is vital, that is erotic in the full sense of the word as life force. And from that place, people remain interested in having sex with somebody else for the long haul. Not because they've scratched their arms for two seconds. Right, right, right. I feel good about myself. somebody else for the long haul. Not because they've scratched their arms for two seconds. I feel good about myself. The biggest turn on is confidence. Confidence.

You ask people, when do you find yourself most drawn to your partner? Every description has to do with when they're in their element, when they're on stage, when they're doing their sport, when they are radiant, when they are in their studio, on the piano, on the horse, you name it. It's when they are doing their sport, when they are radiant, when they are in their studio, on the piano, on the horse, you name it.

It's when they are in their element, i.e., they don't need me to take care of them. They're not depressed and down and lonely and sad. They're not needy. They don't need me because desire is about wanting you. Love is also about needing you. Caretaking is a very powerful experience in love and it is a very powerful anti-aphrodisiac. So how do you experience love and desire at the same time? You calibrate it. So sometimes you're... It's the same as when you walk. You have to move from one

foot to the other. A balance is not about staying on one side. A balance is the ability to see right now we don't need caretaking. We can be mischievous. We can be naughty. We can be playful. We can break our own rules. We can stay home and not go to work at eight o'clock. Right. And now we are in a playful zone. Now we are feeling that we are bringing our own little transgressions home. We are alive. We're not just being dutiful, responsible, good citizens. Right. It's that. It's very small.

Yeah. You know, I always think when I go and I see people at lunch and you see them talking and they're well-dressed and they're awake and all,

I think, who is here with their partner? Because you can see them. They're engaged. They're giving the best of themselves. That's erotic. No, the majority are not there with their partner. They're there with their friends, with their colleagues.

Their partner is going to get the leftover when they come home at night. Sorry, you know what? Forget the night date. Meet at lunch when you actually have energy, you know? And in the middle of the day like that, when you're awake, when you have something to offer, it's a very small thing.

But they don't do it. They don't do it. And you say, why not? Why not? Why don't you stay an hour extra at home in the morning and not just because when you have a headache? And just say, this matters to me. All in all, you know, committed sex is premeditated sex. It's not just going to happen.

Because whatever is going to just happen already has. So you're going to make it happen. Because whatever is going to just happen already has. So you're going to make it happen. Because you say we matter. We're important. Let's do this. It doesn't mean if you're going to make love or have sex. It just means we're going to take this hour and there's nothing else that matters in this moment.

But just you and I to be together. To check in. And then we'll see what unfolds. That's the erotic space in which sex may happen probably will doesn't have to but it is the place from which it is much more likely to emerge but people don't do that they do the responsibility that's the love right the citizen the commitment the caretaking the burdens the safe and then they say, I'm bored. I would be too. Oh, exactly.

There's no mystery. There's no risk-taking, right? Exactly, yeah. There's no risk-taking. That's the word. If you want desire, it's risk. And the risk is an emotional risk. It's not about sexy risks.

It's really a risk on the emotional front is that I bring something else to you today. It's okay. Differently from the way i typically present myself sure you know how can i do this something what can i do today that will be different from the ways that i've done it until now how can i do something that i think would actually improve our relationship me right not something that I want or that you want, but that I think would be actually good for us, that third entity, the us, right? And you check every time.

How often do you just go on the tried and trodden, as in, you know, it works. Thank you.