The School of Greatness - 759 The Power of Guidance with Alanis Morissette

Episode Date: February 15, 2019

UNDERSTAND WHERE YOU CAME FROM. The way you were raised still has effects on you today. It’s not that you should blame your parents. They did the best they could. But you should be aware of how your current actions reflect the truths you learned growing up. Growing up, my parents were raising four kids and working multiple jobs. I always felt invisible. I know that a lot of what motivates me today stems from those feelings of not being seen. For this Five Minute Friday, I revisited a conversation I had with Alanis Morissette where we talked about the stages of development and how they mold us into the people we are today. Alanis Morissette is a singer, songwriter, multi-instrumentalist, record producer, and actress. Her album Jagged Little Pill has sold more than 33 million copies globally. She’s also an avid supporter of female empowerment as well as physical and spiritual wellness. Learn about Alanis’ upbringing and how it made her into the person she is today on Episode 759. In This Episode You Will Learn: Why Alanis was an overachiever growing up (2:00) How parenting was different 40 years ago (3:00) The stages of development and how significant it is if they are missed (3:30) How inaccurate mirroring from parents can make you not trust yourself (5:00)

This is Five Minute Friday! Welcome everyone to a very special edition of the School of Greatness podcast. I'm so excited for our guest today. I had a pleasure of sitting down and connecting with the one and only Alanis Morissette. And for those that don't know who Alanis is, let me just share a little bit about her. Since 1995, Alanis has been one of the most influential singer-songwriter musicians in contemporary music.

She's earned seven Grammy Awards with an additional 14 nominations, a Golden Globe nomination, and sales of over 60 million albums worldwide. In 2015, Alanis was inducted into the Canadian Music Hall of Fame, and outside of entertainment, she's an avid supporter of female empowerment as well as spiritual, psychological, and physical wellness. Why do you think you were pursuing the overachievement in your teens?

Well, it was one way to be loved. Why do you think you were pursuing the overachievement in your teens? Well, it was one way to be loved. If I was moderate or if I was even, quote-unquote, less than average, I would be even more invisible than I was. So for me, it was about being seen. And I could tell there were certain things that were on people's radars. Oh, my talent. Oh, my brain. Oh, my poise. Whatever, the top ten things, fill in the blank, were the things that got the attention that I was so starving for. Why were you starving for?

Were your parents not seeing you? In some ways, yeah. We're like brother and sister. I felt the same. I was the youngest of four. Okay. And I never felt seen or acknowledged or, you know, getting the love that I wanted because my parents were just working multiple jobs, trying to take care of them.

It was like they were crazy because there were four kids running around the house. Yes. So there's nothing to blame them. And we're not even taking into consideration all the other internal stuff that's going on for them. Yeah, and they were fighting constantly and not happy because they got married when they were 18

because they were pregnant. Whatever they were up to. And they weren't living their dreams, so they had their resentments. And the consciousness level was different then. They weren't, you know, it wasn't a thingments. And the consciousness level was different than they weren't, you know, it wasn't a thing to do that,

to make sure that the stages of development are, the boxes are checked. And I mean, that wasn't even a conversation. It's almost barely one now, you know, just starting. Yeah, it's starting.

And so you felt like they were never, uh, fully seeing you for, or just loving you or acknowledging you as the child you were. Well, they were doing the best they could and i definitely felt loved there were just so many aspects of my humanity that were just missed in the crossfire you know that's what i say i felt loved like my dad always tucked me in and told me he loved me but i didn't like it's the specificity

of of the mirroring so the stages of development crassly quickly is the touch and the holding yes i grew up in the you know i, I was born in the seventies. So wasn't, you know, this is a time feminism also context is huge to take into consideration around this. So my mom went back to work right away. My twin brother and I were born. I asked, you know, I was basically wondering about the touch eye contact thing. There's certain key things that happened during that stage where ideally we want the skin

on skin eye contact thing yes or breastfeeding if mom could do it or not you know like just being able to have that stage development considered then the exploration stage am i bonded and attached enough to move out into the world or is there no one there and moving out into the world is scary or is moving out into the world the only option i have then the third one is identity the mirroring and not just mirroring two or three things. They call that concave mirroring, where if they just go, I'm going to mirror that you're a great athlete and that you're handsome and that you like cars. What about the six billion other aspects of you? Right.

Right. So the mirroring that can be inaccurate or straight up mirroring that's not accurate, like walking in the house and you go, I'm freezing. And your parent goes, no, you're not. Sit down for dinner. You're like, you're fine. Yeah. You're like, your eyes are crossing, but I do feel cold, but maybe I don't. And maybe I'm wrong. And maybe my impulses are wrong. And if my impulses are wrong, I'm wrong. I can't trust myself. I can't trust anyone at all. Yes. And then the fourth one is competence. Can I do it? So then some parents on the continuum do the hyper. Not only can you do it, you're going to be the next president. You're going to be number one. You're going to win every award.

And you're just like, oh, Jesus, the pressure. Because the best thing is its own, for me anyway, it's its own violence, right? And then the other end of the continuum, which is you're good for nothing. You can't. You'll never do this. You know, smirking when you have a dream, all that stuff. So that's a very crass version of the first four. So I just think of how complicated it is to even sometimes understand it, let alone to have parents apply it, let alone to have them apply it when they're freaked out

and they're wounded and they're in a context where they don't have enough energy. And know when to apply it. How do you know what they actually need and want? The art of parenting and doing it well enough and not thinking that as a parent you have to be perfect. So there's all that. Hey guys, if you enjoyed this inspirational clip from a past episode of the show, then you'll love the free book I'm giving away right now. It's called The Millionaire Morning. It includes some of my best tips for starting off your day with a millionaire mindset. Get your free copy at themillionairemorning.com and just pay shipping. Again, check it out right now, themillionairemorning.com.