The School of Greatness - 869 Relationships, Fear and Doing What You Love with David Walton

Episode Date: October 30, 2019

We want a direct path to success.  But the road is never straight.  What makes it special isn’t just the destination but the journey that shaped us. Along the way, we discover ourselves.  We pick up skills and learn how to deal with our fears and emotions.  But the emotions that took us to the top often will not keep us there.  We must learn a new set of skills to maintain our success and go further.  In today’s episode of The School of Greatness, I talk about dealing with anger, preparation, and the journey to success with a Hollywood star: David Walton. David Walton is a talented actor who rose to prominence on television and is well known for his role on the comedy series “New Girl” and for his character Will Freeman on the successful series “About a Boy.” So get ready to learn about emotional growth, how to handle relationship conflicts, and mastering your emotions on Episode 869. Some Questions I Ask: Do you ever feel insecure as an actor? (21:30) Why do you think we hold on to anger and frustration? (27:00) What’s the best part and the worst past about the acting business. (46:30 How do you deal with your fear? (52:00) What questions would you ask Tom Cruise? (50:00) What advice would you give to actors who fear their work will be judged instead of appreciated? (55:00) In This Episode You Will Learn: The effects of alcohol on our behavior. (18:00) Why the destructive forces of shame and guilt are so powerful. (20:00) Why we all want to feel loved. (21:30) How to confront your partner or spouse in a relationship. (32:00) How to make it through the challenges of an acting career. (44:30) The importance of dealing with your fears. (52:00) If you enjoyed this episode check out the video, show notes and more at http://lewishowes.com/869 and follow at instagram.com/lewishowes

This is episode number 869 with David Walton. Welcome to the School of Greatness. My name is Lewis Howes, a former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur. And each week we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin. Plato said, we can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark.

The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light. Boom. Welcome to this interview. I am excited about this because we have the extremely talented David Walted in the house, who I got to know years ago at an event, and we've stayed in touch, and just a great all-around good guy. For those that maybe don't know who he is he's an actor known for several tv programs including cracking up the drama series heist comedy series new girl and on the nbc comedies perfect couples

bent and about a boy and super funny on a lot of these different series but also just got a big heart and in this interview, we talk about how David's big break early in his career had a negative effect on his growth. Actually, how it was pretty easy for him breaking into a very difficult industry of acting and what that did for him. How ego can affect how we handled being judged or dealing with anger. The advice David would give other actors on their journey to Hollywood, the difference in fear of being seen as an actor versus writing your own words and performing them, that ends so much more about relationships, about fear of doing what you love, and so many more things. And I love this quote, we can easily forgive a child who's afraid of the dark, but the tragedy, the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.

And this is something that I'm so passionate about is not being afraid of the light that you were born with. We all have these unique gifts and talents. You have something so special inside of you, but we're afraid. So many people are crippled by the fear of failure, the fear of judgment, and the fear of success. Actually, achieving what we want, people are the most afraid of sometimes because then the responsibility and the pressure to live up to it. And what if people found out that I wasn't who I say I am, right? These fears cripple us. But for me, the tragedy is when we go to sleep

without a dream and we wake up without a purpose. It's like, then what are we doing? We need to be focusing on figuring that out. And sometimes we transition. Sometimes we have a dream, it gets lost and we create new dreams. But that is our purpose and that's our mission here to continue to pursue it. And this story is a powerful one that I think you're really going to love.

Make sure to share it with your friends. Tag David on Instagram, even though he's not that active on there yet. I'm trying to get him more active on there, David Walton. And send someone this link, lewishouse.com slash 869 to be inspired by his journey and everything that he's up to. And I'm excited about this interview, so let's dive into this one with the one, the only, David Walton. Welcome, everyone, to the School of Greatness podcast. We've got the iconic David Walman in the house, man. Good to see you, brother. Good to see you, too.

Tell us about this. Yeah, me too. When you walked in, we had a 10-second hug. Yeah, it was about 10, maybe 11 or 12. 11, 12 seconds. We enjoy a long, warm hug. Well, I would say enjoy is an interesting word there because when I first saw you, it had been four years yesterday, and you came in, and I tried to pull away, and you held on to me.

And I had this weird thing in my head going, this is something I've thought about doing with people. This feels incredibly awkward to me. But then as we held it in, I was like, I am not only getting more used to this and into it, but I like him more now. Oh, there you go. I've been known for giving long, awkward hugs. As an experiment originally, is what I started doing probably like 10, 12 years ago, experimenting it. My life has been about experiments.

Whenever I'm afraid of something, I say, how can I go all in on this thing and create a game or an exercise or an experiment around it and see what happens on the other side? I'll do a month or three month experiment. Great. And I started doing this because I wanted to have deeper connections with people. I felt like people were on surface level a lot. And especially growing up in Ohio, playing sports, guys had kind of this phobia around hugs. Sure.

Even just like a high five and like a little bringing in handshake was almost too much. Yeah. It was like, don't touch me. It was this phobia. And so I just wanted to change that. And I was like, I really want to be more intimate with people and have deeper connections. And so I started doing that and it just kind of stuck. Now I was telling you that we have to be careful in certain climates of humanity of when that's appropriate and understanding people's energies.

So sometimes I don't always do that. You read people. You've got to read people. Just like 12 seconds no matter what. Yeah, no, I read people. I'm hugging President Clinton or President Obama just for 12 seconds. Yeah, it might be a shot. I remember we had a meditation teacher of mine come on for the first time.

She wasn't my teacher at that time, but I was just meeting her. And I gave her a hug, and it's almost like she saw a ghost because she's a monk and she doesn't touch anyone. Oh, boy. And so Tiffany was there, and it was – I felt horrible the whole time I was interviewing her because I just felt like I broke some sacred – And did she recover? Did she forgive? She was fine, yeah. Or was she rattled? the whole time I was interviewing her because I just felt like I broke some sacred...

And did she recover? Did she forgive? She was fine, yeah. Or was she rattled? No, she moved on. I mean, she's got the principle of just not holding on to things. Yeah, sure.

Because you're in suffering when you hold on to something. It was actually probably a really good test to see what level she was at. Yeah. Are you going to suffer? Are you going to hold on to this? Are you a true teacher?

Can you start resenting me? We connected years ago for probably, I don't know, Yeah. Are you going to suffer? Are you going to hold on to this? Are you a true teacher? Can you start resenting me? We connected years ago for probably, I don't know, 20, 30 minutes maybe. Very briefly, yeah. We had a great connection. Yeah, I agree. And so it's good to see you again. Yeah, and I remember you reached out to me, I think through Instagram, and I admitted to you, I think I did a Dundax's podcast,

and I admitted to you that I've always been like, why didn't I reach out to Lewis after that thing? And then you just sent me your phone number immediately. And I was like, I just like this guy's style. It's all good. It just opens it up. It opens up communication without, we get all worried about, I don't know, not being liked, perhaps.

Exactly, man. Yeah, and I've liked following your journey. I think I first heard about you on, it was either about a boy or a new girl. Yeah. That's where I first saw you, and then I started learning more about you from there, and I really liked your style as an actor. And you're a better human being. You're a better human being.

I started learning more about you recently. We both went to boarding school. You went to a all-boys school first. Yeah. And then you went to a co-ed boarding school. Yep. And then you went to a co-ed boarding school. Yep. Which I went to just a co-ed boarding school. Okay.

You've never been in a single-sex environment. Well, I was in a boys' dorm. Yeah. And then across the campus was the girls' dorm. Probably similar to you. Yeah, 100%. And it was all, like, occasionally sneaking out. Occasionally, right?

Occasionally. Was it pretty strict for you? Yeah, we'd get in very big trouble. And that's part of the, I think, the appeal was, you know, breaking rules is exciting for a teenager. Exactly, getting out and going to the girls' dorm and sneaking through the window and, like, begging on it. I only did it once or twice, actually. I was pretty terrified. Were you a by-the-rules kind of a guy?

You always followed the rules? That was my family's culture but i would think everyone would say that i was the black sheep i have a lot of high achieving siblings like most of my sisters were all american athletes and really really abided by the rules and i kind of was like i'm not as good sports as they are how do i become extraordinary and i was like i might as well you know like just be different than them maybe I don't know were they like New England oh I mean the purest field hockey and lacrosse oh my gosh amazing yeah yeah it's pretty

they were valid foes for a boy they were strong and we were talking before you were asking me uh if I if I have a cocktail because we were talking before, you were asking me if I have a cocktail, because we were talking about doing golf sometime. Yeah. I didn't know you didn't drink. I don't drink. I've never been drunk. And I'll have a Bailey's on ice.

Oh, you will? Once or twice a year. Okay. Oh. Bailey's on ice. One. And a very, maybe two shots. Maybe two.

But it's like I'll sip on it for an hour. It's delicious. It's delicious. It's delicious. And sometimes I'll put it in hot chocolate for Christmas or something. But I think I had a, and you were asking me earlier, why, is there a reason why? Yeah. And when I was a kid growing up, my two older sisters both had some challenges with some alcohol, drug stuff.

They weren't like addicted, but they had some instances that were scary moments, right? And I saw them really sick at times from this alcohol stuff, like throwing up and being sick for days or whatever, right? And I saw them really sick at times from this alcohol stuff, like throwing up and being sick for days or whatever, right? So, and my sister, my brother went to prison for four years.

When I was eight, he went to prison for drugs, for selling drugs to an undercover cop. And so we would drive to the visiting room. It was about a two-and-a-half-hour drive to get there, the prison,

every weekend for four or five hours. And I would watch. We'd be with all the other families and all the other inmates. And I would just witness and observe what was happening. And I don't know if it scared me, but I was just like, I don't want to be here one day. And he was there for four and a half years. He got off on good behavior. But I just remember being like, I don't want to be here.

Yeah. This is not a place. And if it's smoking weed, if it's drugs, if it's alcohol, whatever it is, I just don't want to do it if that's going to get me here. Yeah. And so I remember I used to steal cigarettes when I was 12. Okay. I was acting out as a young kid.

I was the youngest of four. And I would steal from, like, the grocery store. Oh, from, okay. So, like, a, you. I was the youngest of four. And I would steal from like the grocery store. Oh, from, okay. So like a, you know, felony. Yes, yes. I would steal almost every, every time I went into a store, I would steal. I had to steal something for about a year and a half. Wow.

What is that called? Like klepto? Yeah, well, kleptomaniac. I thought that was stealing from other people, but sure. It was like, it became a game for me. Yeah. And I started stealing cigarettes. And I would, I remember I other people, but sure. It became a game for me. And I started stealing cigarettes. And I remember I wouldn't even smoke them.

I would try to take a puff, and I wouldn't even inhale it. Because I was so afraid if I did something, what it would do to me. But that was my bad phase. And then in high school, I went to a private boarding school, which I know you went to the boarding school as well. So you weren't allowed to have alcohol on campus, first off. Kids weren't really going out and buying it. Oh, they weren't? At 16. on campus, first off. And kids weren't really going out and buying it. Oh, they weren't? At 16.

It just wasn't happening. Yeah. And then I went to college. And then I was playing college football, and there was alcohol everywhere. After every game, parties, cake stands, the whole thing. And I remember just saying to myself, I'm not going to get to where I want in my dreams as a pro athlete if I do what everyone else is doing. And so it just never became interesting for me at college. to where I want in my dreams as a pro athlete if I do what everyone else is doing.

And so it just never became interesting for me at college. And so I made a commitment that I wouldn't have one sip of alcohol in college. Not a sip. Not a sip. Then after college was over, I was like, why would I start now? Did that become your identity in college for the people? Like all those Lewis?

People knew. Yeah. And girls would try to like- Get you to. Do whatever I could to make it happen. And when you were with girls who were inebriated and attracted to you, how did that work? I would just say no. Oh, I would say no.

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36. And I'm like a Bailey's. But that first Bailey's you had, was that a weird experience? Or was it like, it's like whatever? Well, my sisters gave it to me in hot chocolate so i didn't really taste it oh she's like oh it's like did they sneak it in like you didn't know they they had some and i drank some of it and i was like that's really good and they were like yeah it's bailey's inside of it i was like oh okay maybe i'll have one you know

but um but i've just never decided to do it yeah i've never had beer. I think I had one sip of wine. It tasted really bad to me. Well, it's a really interesting, you know, this isn't a scientific method, but a lot of the people who inspire me and are doing really kind of prolific work and deep work, certainly in entertainment, a lot of them are sober. Really? Yeah. Who were the most inspiring for you?

Well, like Dax, you know, Dax Shepard. He doesn't drink? No, well, he's, yeah, he was an AA, so he's like, you know, he had an issue. He wasn't alcoholic. He was. And even people like Howard Stern to me, like, you know, you would think, and he just doesn't touch anything. No drugs, no alcohol?

No, yeah. I mean, I think maybe he drinks a little bit like the tiniest bit and as you get older like you can I can I've taken long stretches without it and the amount of productivity and my my wife is into this hashtag called sober curious which is gaining steam because there's such a pervasive culture of drinking I was just shooting a movie in Chicago for a month called later Days and I mean, cities like Boston and Chicago,

it's just like, it's just paired with everything. There's bars everywhere, pubs, you're drinking everywhere. After work, you always go for a drink.

Yeah, and I think a lot of people are starting to question that culture and why it's there and how much good it's actually doing and our,

so that Sober Curious movement is kind of fascinating. Wow. So she's doing that. But I have this kind of, my relationship to alcohol is strange because I know the physical ramifications and the willpower after a night of drinking. If you have a great diet going or whatever and you're being great, it derails you in such a profound way. You drink, you're going to start eating bad.

The next morning you're like, who cares? And I'm just going to rip like, you know. Five pizzas. Yeah. But at the same time, its ability to bring people together or to have bonding experiences. Truthful experiences. A truthful and kind of silence a lot of things you're fascinated with, which are guilt and unworthiness and shame and all these things. Like there's theories that alcohol, it doesn't make you a different person.

It's just if you have all those things coexisting, like if on your highest level you are all love and gratitude and sharing but you have feelings of unworthiness as well like we all do the alcohol just mutes that voice the unworthy voice the unworthy voice temporarily so that the way you behave is actually pure love it's more loving and. And you see great, you know, I have friends who are kind of like, they're kind of like tough, angry guys and they drink and it's like, it's like, they're hugging you at 12 second hugs all day. And it's not annoying. You know, it's like, oh, it's like, and a lot of people would say like, God, I feel more like myself when I'm drinking.

And I, that's, that's across the board. A lot of people feel that way. So that's why they continue to drink more and more probably. Yeah. And I think like anything, the more, you know, the edges, the extremes are where we run into problems. And if you can find a little middle ground, it can be okay. So it's like, and I know a drug counselor who would say it's not that anything is bad or good. It's just your relationship to it. Why do you think people feel more of who they are when they're drinking? And why do you think people can't feel that way when they're living normal life without it? Well, my very rudimentary theory is kind of based on this wonderful book called Power Versus Force by

Dr. Hawkins, which was like a pretty big book in the 70s. But it's basically like, it's kind of what I just said. It's you're born with all these layers of consciousness. And like the most sort of, the most destructive, he would argue, Hawkins, is like shame, guilt, and that big unworthiness thing. And we all kind of are born with that in some level, different levels of it. And no one really knows why. You just see a little kid and you can see a heaviness or a cloud.

And so, but we also within us have, you know, that super high level stuff, the stuff that every great, you know, religion ultimately is about, which is that oneness and love and connection. And I think everyone has it inside them at all times. And what we do during our day, what we decide, our intention, all those things can elevate us to a certain extent. But that doesn't mean that stuff isn't down there still. And to me, certain substances can mute that and so people identify themselves with that love

but with alcohol they're just not feeling that stuff so they're like oh i feel like more it's more like me because i'll kind of my problems when i'm not worrying you know i'm not doubting do you feel like a lot of actors feel insecure and unworthy most of the time. Yeah, I mean, it's a hard one. Yeah. You have a lot of actor friends, right? Yeah, and I think on a certain level, we all want to be loved and feel important and seen like everyone. And there's a sense of, you know, when you're 17 and you want to be an actor,

generally it's going to be about, is this going to help me get laid? Right. If you're, like, on to be about is this going to help me get laid? Right. If you're, like, on some level. Is this going to help me be attractive? Yeah. Like most musicians, I mean, there's obviously exceptions, but it's kind of like,

you know, those poor teenagers, everyone's ruled by that. Everyone's ruled by it. It's like the most powerful force on earth, that sexuality stuff. So the stuff that you're doing, I love being able to talk about yeah i don't know things that are kind of expand the dialogue and honor the fact that wanting to have

sex is so deeply ingrained and powerful in our biology and psyche and everything god you know if anything it's the most and so to write off that there's something shameful about that is not good. It's just more like, are you in control of your shit? And because everyone's raging. I mean, go to a, watch a movie set, watch a movie set and go for a month of like a shoot. set and go for a month of like a shoot and then have the wrap party and watch all the like built in sexual tension like kind of explode really oh yeah like any you know it's like there's movies about like any business is like that right like the corporate office party it's like an alcohol unfortunately you know the judgment kind of goes and people make mistakes.

So it's a dangerous world out there. But what's the root of it, in my opinion, is the fact that everyone is a sexual creature and it's on their mind whether they want to or not. You know, it's just like you just feel it instinctually, you know. Does that happen a lot? How many movie sets have you been on? Because you do mostly TV, right? Have you done? Yeah, I've been on a bunch of movie sets, though, too.

It's the same with TV. I mean, it's not that people are going around being sexual all day. Right. I'm just saying that I would like people to honor the fact that it's there, you know, and that it's obviously a really tough world right now to navigate for everybody.

And some of the dialogue I see happening seems a little black and white to me. Which dialogue? Just the dialogue about the giant gray area of interaction. One of the things, I've talked to a lot of women and they'll say something like the days of like complimenting a sweater or something they're kind of like over it like they don't want those compliments about certain articles yeah like oh I love your sweater like even that can be a problem now for for women because it feels like it's coming from a maybe a sexual place or a oh let me whatever but a lot of the girls I've talked to are very open it feels like it's coming from maybe a sexual place or a, oh, let me, whatever.

But a lot of the girls I've talked to are very open. It's like, if the guy is attractive, if the guy is like someone you're attracted to, then it's okay. But if it's like someone who's not attractive, then you don't like it, right? So how do you know if they're attracted to you or not? A lot of guys are trying to say, hey, I'm a great guy. Like, I'm a catch. So how am I supposed to know that you think I'm creepy when I'm not? You know, and I think to me, I'm like looking. I'm like, are you sure? I'm looking at the girls. They're like, yes or no.

I'm like terrified right now. But no, I think that's an example of a gray area that just doesn't get talked about. It's tough. Yeah, and it's tough for, look, guys have had it good in so many ways. Right now, everyone's pretty darn lost. And if you talk openly and truthfully about it, most likely it's going to be reactive and eviscerated. And you saw it. So everyone's quieting until some energy shifts where they can have a real better dialogue about it. But anyway, that's some of my thoughts on it.

Do you have any male actor friends that have gone through some challenging times that have come to you for wisdom and advice? No, no one comes to me for wisdom and advice, no. No, I'm trying to think if anyone's really been in trouble. No, I just, in the beginning of the wonderful Me Too movement where, you know, women are finally getting what they deserve in a lot of ways, I mean, and there's still tons of stuff to be done, but someone pointing out a gray area, kind of like on Twitter

or whether it's Matt Damon or something like that, just getting eviscerated. And I think by definition, there's going to be no nuanced discussion of gray areas on Twitter. Right, right, right. People just stay away from it. Those are the headlines. And so, yeah, I mean, long-form stuff like this is a way of doing it, and I think it's really powerful.

And I don't know. I just want everyone to kind of forgive each other more.'t it be amazing it would be really great why do you think we hold on to so much anger or frustration for so long about anything not just me too stuff or but anything in general why do you think we hold on to these things for so long that's a great question I really don't know I mean I if I could take a stab at it, that anger is an actually pretty, it can feel really good to be angry, especially if you're sad or, you know, have any of the lower things. Like anger is actually pretty powerful. Like in sports, for example, if you're scared on like a big match point, there's mental coaches who say, just work yourself, find something to be angry because that's going to be a more powerful state than fear.

Yes. So, I don't know. That's a stab at that deep philosophical question. Do you feel like you're an angry person? Or have you had anger throughout the last 15 years of acting? Yeah, no. I'm not really angry around. I have a lot of anger in my personal life

I don't know where it comes from my dad had a big temper it's scary at times and kids you can't control your kids and they can trigger you in the deepest ways and they know how to manipulate you they start getting there

but even before they're in that stage they're triggering whatever your issues are with yourself or how you were raised. And generally, like my son, who is a boy, if he does something that reminds me of maybe something that I don't like about myself, let's say an example like, you know, a culture where being a guy and being scared isn't really allowed. And then you see your son being scared. It's cute for a bit, but then at a certain age, you know,

it starts to trigger me like, hey, man, like, get it together. How old is your son? He's five. You know what I mean? And I'm like, you can't be, I'm not going to escort you upstairs. There's nothing upstairs. You've got to be brave. And I try to be. I've gone under the covers the whole time. I've gone under the bed. I've shown you to escort you upstairs. There's nothing upstairs. You've got to be brave. And I try to be.

I've gone under the covers the whole time. I've gone under the bed. I've shown you there's no monsters. When are you going to grow up? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, but I find anger to be very confusing. You know, obviously relationships spark it. Kids can.

A lot of the yogic principles, it's just like it's primal anger that it's born with. You can see a two-year-old rage like nothing else. I don't think anger is shameful. I don't think it's something, I think it should be embraced and loved in that sort of spirit of how do I take this innate part of me and make it non-destructive? And that can be through CrossFit and kickboxing or whatever. Meditation yoga. Meditation yoga. But sometimes that's hard too because you can think you've released it, but anger is a trick.

Suppressed it or something. Yeah, it's got a ton of energy and anger is incredibly powerful. And it can come back in a moment and trigger you. Oh, man. And so, you know, I think you've mentioned you have some anger. You know, I think we all do. I think I had a lot of anger. And sports allowed me to release it in a very safe environment to where I didn't have it.

Because I could get it out in this container of two, three hours and let any of my emotions out. You know, just headbutt people all day. And then I was fine. And then I was exhausted of all my energy. And I was just like, oh, I could sleep peacefully. And do you still get triggered? Or are you kind of- I get triggered all the time. The thing is, I'm so aware of it now. I'm so aware of it that I'm like, okay, it's kind of like I recognize the two wolves inside of me, the good wolf and the bad wolf. I love that old metaphor.

And I'm like, okay, which one wants to win right now? Which one am I going to feed? Sometimes I feed the bad wolf and it comes out. But most of the time I'm feeding the good wolf because I'm consciously like, okay, this is triggering me. Why is this triggering me? Why do I want to punch someone in the face right now or go through a wall? Yeah. Sometimes I feel like I could take down a building I literally feel like I could run through this building yeah and the whole thing would crumble yeah I know I would die before that would happen but I feel like in my mind I feel like that's possible sometimes with that much power think

of that that much energy I mean that much energy but I I'm so conscious and aware of it that I that I just practice the right things. And I make sure. I was having a challenging conversation with my girlfriend last night. We have a long-distance relationship. She's Latina, which you are familiar with. Your wife's Latina. Yeah, from Venezuela.

And so there's a language difference. She's probably 70% speaking English fluent. Okay. So there's sometimes some misinterpretations sure of like nuances there's a cultural difference there's just human being differences with different people and i remember i was like getting triggered by something she was saying and i was like i could react and i could get loud and do those things or i can and in that moment, I just started to smile. I started to smile at her. I was like, okay. I started myself getting like clenched and defensive and being like, she doesn't understand me.

She doesn't get me right now. Like there's a misunderstanding of our culture, our language. Let me just smile. Let me just smile and keep smiling. And she kept like speaking. She kept saying stuff. Is this on the FaceTime? On FaceTime. Oh, okay. So I just kept, I was just like, I was like and keep smiling. And she kept like speaking. She kept saying stuff. Is this on the FaceTime? On FaceTime.

Oh, okay. So I just kept, I was just like, I was like smiling, smiling. And she goes, why are you smiling? I go, I just love you. I just love you so much. And then she started smiling and then we started laughing. And it's like, it became calmer and calmer and relaxing. And would you ever tell her though that something had been triggered?

Probably, yeah. Yeah. I think I told her later in the conversation yeah because that's like this is the way it makes me feel this is how what i'm experiencing right so that to me is the biggest thing is because if you just smile and say i love you and then never have that conversation now you've buried something buried it yeah so you've got to stay what's on your mind yeah and that's something that i we all struggle with yeah like there's like old thing you know choose your

battles when you get married and it's like is that what you do I did and I'm like going more and I'm sorry sweetheart if you're listening but I'm I'm gonna choose all the battles because I actually think the battles are I'm I'm beginning to and actually Jordan Peterson kind of got me on this train was like the festering of an unchosen battle you know is legit and i think um it's like a bomb coming out in a bigger battle and and the tricky thing is what how to choose the battle in a responsible non-destructive way in a loving way yes and i think that's the hardest thing to do because you get angry and you want to hurt and you want to and you want to win and at least I do and I think a lot of people do and so it's like do I sit on this and then go to sleep and then wake up and then talk about it tomorrow when I can actually speak calmly what is the level of real mental power that you have. And you clearly have worked on it a great deal.

You have that, but I have a ton of respect for people who, you know, or empathy for people who don't. And it's like, you know, you fly off the handle and then it's like, damn, and then there's shrapnel everywhere, you know. The challenge is when we fly off the handle, it takes us off of our mission. It takes us off of a life of purpose and a life of actually impacting people or our dreams or whether it's your acting career or something.

It takes us off the thing that we want to be doing. Yeah. We want to put our attention towards anger or the triggers or where we're being hurt. Yeah. That's what I've found because I've been really good at winning battles in past relationships and friendships and intimate relationships. And then I feel like crap for days afterwards. And my energy goes towards feeling like crap as opposed to putting it towards something

productive. Sure. As opposed to being positive or being in service towards other people or what I want to work towards. So I think I've learned the hard way many, many times over and over that that doesn't work. And I'm still trying to figure out the balance of how do I be honest and share how I'm feeling without it being destructive like you said.

And I think that is the ultimate test for so many of us. Oh, man, it's a huge, huge challenge. Especially probably with kids and being married. And lack of sleep or whatever whatever the amount of environmental forces there was i had this is kind of comical at this point but there's so many kind of healers in los angeles part of the reason i like and there's some frauds but there's a lot of super legit people here and um i went to this woman and i'll think of the name of the actual practice grinberg is i believe the name of it but basically it's, it's like energy moving through breath.

But having been dealing with anger and not wanting it to be destructive, I was turning to this tool that a friend had recommended. And really, it's like when you're feeling it, she's like, really pay attention to where it is, like in your gut. And then just like you just like pretend you're pushing against the build like you're trying to break open a building and you just go go go go go go until you can't and you're holding your breath and you're clenching and you're creating as much tension and then you just take like and you just go go and, go. And you let it all out. You let all that tension go.

And then you think about your problem again. And there was pretty profound. Wow. But it's really like there's a physical thing that has to be released. You have to release it. Anger. And it's like I've air punched, you know, like even with a kid. Like a kid like doing something. I'm like.

And instead of like showing them, I'm like, if Jesus Christ doesn't, and instead of showing them, I'll walk around to the living room, and it's like, really? Oh, just because I'm trying to not become destructive? Yeah. Wow. But I hope that's more normal to people. I'm not like the Incredible Hulk or anything.

It's just like, I think most people I talk to, it's just angry. Just angry. It's hard to be at peace 24-7. It's impossible. I mean, maybe the Buddha, who else? Maybe Jesus, I don't know. So you're focusing on where the tension, the anger, resentment, frustration is.

It's in your stomach, your chest, your throat, your head, wherever it is. And then you're putting your energy and your attention, squeezing it. You're making it worse. So you try to like- Intensify it. Intensify it and get it. Until you're tired. Until you're like, can't.

And you push it. And then you just, all your thing to let it go and start breathing like crazy. Huge breaths in, just like releasing it all. Look, sometimes it doesn't work. It did when I was working with her. It was working a lot better. I've tried it a couple times. It's not working.

It's starting to fade. Now you're air punching the world. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now I need a new. No, I mean, I don't know. I think, yeah, I think anger is a big old mystery where it comes from. It's useful and it's destructive at the same time. Like anything, yeah.

It's not good or bad. It just is. What has been the journey for you as an actor? You've been 15 years now acting. Is that right or more? Yeah, I think my first professional job was 2003, so 16 years. 16 years? Yeah.

And what was that big break? I was selling knives in New York. Cutco knives. Cutco knives. And I was doing this very off, off, off Broadway play that a Fox executive came and saw because there was some legit actors in it. And that got me a general meeting with Marcia Shulman,

who was visiting New York for the upfronts, and I went in and sold her a studio set of knives. I was a very... Wait, the Fox executive. I came and I was like, I've never... This is my first general meeting with anybody in the industry, and I... You had a box of knives with you? No, I had an order form in my book bag because I just was growing. You know, I actually had them all. Yeah, yeah. You had your knives with you? No, I had an order form in my book bag because I just was rolling.

You know, I actually had them all. Yeah, yeah. You had your knives with you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just take it to this acting intro meeting. Yeah, because I think I had a knife appointment

after that or something. And so I was just like, she's like, what are you up to? I'm like, I'm selling knives. I don't know if you're asking me. And she bought a studio set, which is a great set.

It's four knives. It's the spatula spreader, the petite carver, the super shears. How much is that? It's like $180. Oh, it's a lot. Yeah, yeah. So you pitched it to her.

You did a demo. This is 2003. You did the demo. Yeah, I don't think I cut the penny or the rope, but I did. I went for it, and she was tickled pink. And so she not only bought the knife, she gave me what's called a holding deal, which is um pretty nuts it's basically they just pay you so that you don't go to another network shut up so i got don't go and act anywhere yeah i got paid 75 000 to just be owned by fox for

six months what it was crazy and i had been i was made you know i was making a hundred bucks a month things were about to get very interesting in about a month with money running out. So it was like a, I celebrated, I screamed. It was just amazing. And then. In that meeting, she was like, I want to give you a deal. Oh, I left and my agent goes, that meeting went well. They're offering you a holding deal.

Just like that? Yeah, immediate. And then it was absurd because I got flown out to LA, put in a town car, put up at the hotel that I can see from here right by the Fox lot and driven around to auditions by a driver. Shut up. How old were you? I was 23. And I was like, that was easy. I was like six months in New York. And then, like an idiot, all went to my head. Well, I was just like, that was so easy. The show got canceled.

I got the show called Cracking Up, which was with Jason Schwartzman, Molly Shannon, Chris McDonald. Mike White wrote it. He was a big writer. Anyway, that got canceled. And I was like, oh, well, when's the next one going to come on? Something else will come along, yeah. I'll just roll into these auditions, won't really prepare. I'm sure they'll get it, you know.

Really? Yeah, really kind of like lazy, non-respecting how competitive and hard it was because I really, it wasn't hard to get my break in a lot of ways. Isn't it almost that's the mentality you need to go in with, though? It's like, I don't need this. I don't want this. And almost give it to you for free. It's kind of like a swingers type of, yeah, like, yeah. It's like, if you act like you don't need this, like it's your life depends on it.

Then you're not bringing that needy attention and energy. And they're going to give it to someone who's actually more relaxed and more. That's such a tricky part of the business. Cause it's like the effort you put in, it doesn't pop out. It's like this weird energetic soup where you like confidence and mental health and like belief. But, you know, if you work too hard on something, it can get stale. So there's this weird little mystery about rolling in and booking something. I mean, you want to be prepared and you want to,

everyone should be working hard on the craft. Did you, so did you start booking more stuff and on these auditions afterwards? Oh, I didn't work for like a year and a half. And I was like, all the money I made was gone. All of a sudden, my apartment in LA started having more roommates. And I was like, you know.

For rent, yeah. Yeah, because I was like, and then actually, I was about to leave the business. I had a girlfriend at the time who was not, you know. For rent, yeah. Yeah, because I was like, and then actually I was about to leave the business. I had a girlfriend at the time who was not into the life and I was like interviewing to become a banker. Shut up. I was beginning to set up because that's sort of the world I came from and I was like, here's a stable income.

You went to Brown, you did like. Yeah, I could get a job at like J.P. Morgan probably if I wanted to. So you're 25 yeah and then you would go a year and a half i'm not booking anything yeah and i went i moved to new york i kind of like i was like i'm done really and as i moved to new york i went into another audition for these cullen brothers who were actually i'd done a pilot with but i like i just i was supposed to be playing a thief like a cool thief and like for

whatever reason I just rolled up in like an overfitted suit like it was a terrible choice and I just did it really weird and they were like you're perfect for this they were like you're in and I was like what and then that became a series and it was like it was like right when you're leaving it got and that kind of built this relationship with NBC that kind of went for many years. Wow. Oh, so you did a bunch of shows with NBC. A lot, yeah. I did like six series for them.

Wow. I remember I had a conversation with Max Greenfield. Do you know Max? Well, he was a new girl. He's a good buddy of mine. I'm the new girl. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was in the show with you.

New girl, yeah. New girl. The new girl. I love that. New girl, right? Yeah, new girl. The new girl, I love that. New girl, right? Yeah, new girl. We did CrossFit together. I would see him at the gym every day. Oh, he's a CrossFit nut. Machine. And so one day, and I would kind of compete with him. I knew he was a little competitive,

so I'd be in the rower. Let's go, Max. You know, I'd be competing. And he was like, who's this guy? And then one day, I was just at Earth Bar right near the CrossFit place. And I started talking to him. I go, hey, I got some questions for you. You got a few minutes? And he goes, yeah, sure. We talked for about 30 minutes. And I was like, tell me about your journey of being an actor.

Were you always like this big star and having these hit shows? And he goes, I've been out here for 10 years, freaking struggling and not booking a thing. And every time I was going to leave, something would pull me back in. Like I'd get something small that would pay me enough for the next two months, three months, and then I'd wait for six months and I'd get something small. And he's like, it took me 10 years to get like a role that actually paid me something. Yeah, he had a journey. He had a real grinder.

I mean, he deserves everything. He's talented. Oh, he's a journey. He had a real grinder. I mean, he deserves everything. He's talented. Oh, he's so talented and funny. How long were you on New Girl for? I came in season two as like a love interest, and then I got About a Boy, so that lasted two years. And then when About a Boy ended,

they decided to bring my character back as to be like the final love before zoe like and jake johnson's character nick like end up together so i was sort of like i would you know look it's not official but i would say i was like of all of zoe's love interest is i was i was the deepest and closest sure to to really working that show did amazing. What was it, six seasons, seven? Seven, I think, officially. And it lives on Netflix. And it's pretty extraordinary what that streaming is doing

because like The Office and Friends being the most popular comedies on Netflix. Crazy. Right? Still. So New Girl, I don't know the numbers, but my sense is from being out in the world and being recognized that New Girl has tons of

sort of cult followers who are always... You recognize the most from that or from... Yeah, yeah. I get them by a boy or bad moms or... I'm fired up as a cult classic people love. And then always some weird ones. Like, you know, just out of nowhere, you're like, damn, man, Perfect Couples was a series I did that has a lot of fans.

And then Burlesque, I was Stanley Tucci's lover in that. So sometimes I get recognized for that. What's the best part about the acting business for you, and what's the worst part? Oh, that's a good question. I think the best part is not knowing where you're ever going to be and that there's this kind of infinite possibility at all times in your life

that you can all of a sudden be attached to some project in a new city. You know, we got a call, my wife and I, for example, like in late August and it was like, do you want to do this movie in Chicago? And within 10 days, I had moved my family there. We were staying in this great house and exploring a new city with my kids and my wife in the same movie. And it was, I love that feeling of adventure and the fact that

you can, that freedom we were talking about earlier, soaring, but the fact that it's achievable in a marriage is really amazing to me. And then I think what I don't like is sort of tied to that is that you don't ever know where work's coming and also just the amount of waiting around time you do. It's so much waiting, right? You get this excitement, we're going to launch this series, and then you're waiting, what, three, six months until you start filming, and then you're on set all day

for like one scene. Yeah, and it's're on set all day for, like, one scene. Yeah, and it's just a lot of just twiddling thumbs. And so it's really paramount to have... If you're around fun, good people, then you're hanging. But I've yet... It's hard to be productive. You know, I'm stirring other pots, so I'd love to, like, just shadow cruise one day,

like, on set, like, to see how... Or, like, one of these... Or The Rock or someone who's like acting but like you know building an empire on the side yeah you know his downtime is operating and i'm sure he's got a bevy of assistance and stuff but like because i love i love that feeling of moving missions and projects forward and on set you kind of it's you get derailed really easily focus on the craft in that moment yeah and then but then like it's like all right for 10 minutes actually it's an hour so

it's like you were you were ready and then now you have to stay ready for another hour and are you doing what are you doing to do that are you probably just eating peanut m&m so yeah who are the most inspiring actors in your mind, for you? Inspiring? Where you're like, man, these people are just... I actually, I'm going to say it's Tom Cruise, man. Like, I just find his energy and zest, and I know, like, perfect example, I'm sure he doesn't touch alcohol. Really?

Yeah, like, oh, it's just, he's like, he's just operating. He just seems clear in a way not to sign i'm a scientologist in any way and i really don't know anything about it but i use clear for non-scientologists it's like people that don't have a ton of clear is a scientology term of like it's a getting clear yeah but i don't want them to own that term because i think it's a great yeah and you're clear and you're in like you are you're presenting who you are you're present with people you're respectful of people you're not

operating from a place of ego you're operating from a place of isn't this playground world insane and I get to play in it and Tom Cruise is playing in it on such a high level he's a master of that literally like flying fighter jets and like helicopters,

jumping out of airplanes, making huge spectacle movies that delight worldwide audiences. And then for stuff that I don't like, which is like the publicity stuff, which this is wonderful, but like doing a three minute clip on today's show is just like all stress, no substance kind of thing. Just being charming, you know, for three minutes. He does that like a, he just crushes it. And so, yeah. The three-minute charm sessions, he's the master. Yeah, and I think at that level, they probably extend to 10 to 15 minutes.

And now he's fun, and the world is kind of like, he's just this relaxed little, you know, playground for him. So, yeah, he's got an electricity that I find. I've never met him, but I really want to. What would you find i've never met him but i really want to what would you ask him if you met him if you had three questions to ask him oh cruise questions gosh i only asked him three about that i may have to send these in yeah i would ask him i go what do you think the number one way to get clear is? He's saying, well, right down the street.

Good facility, yeah. But how to get clear, okay. No, yeah. I would say, how do you deal with your fear? Do you think he has a lot of fears? I assume everyone does, and I assume that that's, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. And if he says he doesn't have fear anymore, I'd be like, okay.

Yeah, I would want to know his morning routine, I think. And maybe his type. Okay. That's just off the top of my head sure sure how do you uh how do you deal with your fear when you're going into oh it's hard a conversation yeah uh i'm really aware of it you know and um what is the biggest fear uh being judged being uh rejected, or being judged, like having something I put out in the world judged and ridiculed. But don't you do that all the time with acting?

It's weird. It's not the same. Like I've started writing stuff and you put it out there and you go, oh, like it's this terrible feeling. Like I've actually created that. Acting, you're interpreting words. It's someone else's creation. Yeah.

That you're helping co-create.ing yeah and you kind of get a sense like look i did it i know i was somewhat real so it's like now it's on them to like make it you know good you know what i mean it's like i'm doing the best i can with what i was given and you can always blame it on someone else or whatever the writer or whatever but when you, like if you create a business or something and it fails like that, yeah, it's a fear of, it's a huge thing. And I'm, as that thing that I think you say, and even Jordan Peterson and Dax have all said, it's that thing of never comparing yourself to other people. It's comparing yourself to who you were yesterday. And I find that to be very powerful and I'm proud of what I've done the last year because it's really overcoming my fear of putting

getting vulnerable putting myself out there to be rejected in other areas besides acting what do you think is on the other side of rejection and judgment probably freedom once you get it all you know I think I think I learned early in acting, people fear ego death more than actual physical death. So humiliation. Really? People fear the ego death more than dying. There's been some studies and it's like,

that's why public speaking makes people terrified and all those things, like getting up in front of people and taking risks or asking a dumb question in class, you know. What advice would you give to actors or anyone who's putting themselves out there on a stage in life on how to overcome that so it doesn't be the loudest voice in their head but they can go through and kind of experience with more joy and I think it's like anything it's like just practicing doing it so if it's it's that

and i'm actually talking to myself because i have a deep fear of social media like i you're never on there i i last post was like june or something makes me really uncomfortable uh we're gonna do a post today okay together all right and i'm like just got nervous. Yeah, I started scratching my rash. No, but yeah, I don't know what it is, man. I really... But you're an actor. You put yourself out there all the time. I know, but I'm behind a film of someone else's work. And it's a professional controlled environment.

And I know that the raw, like to you is, I think I'm inherently private. And I just, I'm so scared of being judged and not liked in some way that maybe that's why social media makes me so uncomfortable because like you know someone can be like what a you know dumb post or i think you i think everyone wants to be liked oh yeah everyone doesn't want the world to hate them i don't think that's anyone's's default. It's like, I'm going to do this so people don't like me. And then you might have something off if you think that way, but most people want others to like them. I want people to like me.

I get hurt when people say something nasty about me. But I think I'm also willing to put myself out there because I believe in my mission more than I care about a few people judging me or saying nasty things. Like those things will hurt and it will suck, but I'm just like, but this matters so much more. And if I put my energy towards my mission and I let my ego step aside and I focus on the people that are really close to me that I care about, who love me no matter what, that's what helps me get through it. It still hurts me, affects it affects me but it's like I feel like the mission uh of trying to be in service and help

people is is more important than my feelings of a few people not liking me yeah and when you say that I immediately go well I think my mission isn't quite clear enough to overcome my resistance to those social outlets. Interesting. And that if I really believed in something specific, because it can be whatever you want it to be, but I'm not going to just talk about the eggs I'm making and stuff. I understand that. I don't have that instinct at all.

Sure. And I don't really like getting out of moments. I like... Being present. Sure. And I don't really like getting out of moments. I like being present. Yeah. I think like one of my favorite books is Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. And it's a classic, but it's this idea of like God is in the fully present of anything you're doing. You can be washing a dish like almost like sacredly. And if you're doing it with quality with the intention of quality with a capital q that like somehow god lives there that that's that's where the action is

the the purest form there's a whole book about it on i don't know that's a facet of it yeah yeah there's a book called the way of the peaceful warrior by dan millman which is there's a movie out of it too i'm more of a movie guy guy, but powerful example of an athlete with a big ego, an all-American gymnast who breaks his leg, gets injured, and can't perform in his sport anymore for a year or something. And that's his whole dream. And he meets this gas station attendant who he calls Socrates, who teaches him the lessons of being here and now. And this one activity you're working on, this moment, this washing of the floor is the thing.

It's not the dream of playing and being an All-American. It's the present moment is what really matters the most and finding the joy and the love in this moment. Yeah, and finding this idea of quality. The capital Q. Yeah, and it's this thing of like, everything has a story and an energy based on, and you buy a terrible T-shirt that was made in a factory with terrible things.

Right. It may look good, but it's going to do something to you. And it's because there's... No, no, I love your t-shirts. Nike's are probably not in the best either. No, no, I mean, but that idea of that... Yeah, of course.

That's why things that are made with quality and love can have a profound impact on people and the things you do. Even when I know I'm in the zone, it's when I'm doing the dishes and I'm like feeling the water and I'm going to say like, oh, look at this dish. I'm thinking about the story of the dish. And then I'm like, what's the best,

what's the quality way of like honoring this dish, getting it? And there's like this, it's like this dream to make everything you do almost sacred in a way. And I think when you watch, you know, there's this great, what's that? The Netflix documentary about eating chef's table. Oh, yeah. And there's this amazing episode with a Korean monk who has a garden there. And it's like everything she does is.

I saw this one. Yeah, it's so good. And it's like the most simple ingredients and chefs are like how on earth does it taste like this it's just rice it's the love and the attention yeah that's what i'm looking forward to i moved to maine and i'm looking forward to that slowness and and cities have that energy and i think when you're just in a slow place you you're able to kind of, okay, I can do this. There's a four-minute way of doing the dishes, and then there's a 10-minute way that may teach me something, you know, and I don't know. I'm just going to experiment with that. It's powerful, man.

I love it. Living the main life. I want to respect your time because I know you've got to catch a flight soon. Okay. I have a couple final questions. This one's called the three truths. Okay. So imagine it's

your last day on earth many years from now. You get to live as old as you want to live. It can be 100, 500. It can be as old as you want to be. But at one point you got to die and you got to take all of your work with you. So all of your creations, all of your, the acting videos, the movies, they've all got to go with you. So no one has access to your content, your businesses, the information you've put out in the world. They don't have access anymore. You've taken it with you to the next world. And you get to leave behind three things, you know, to be true from your entire life and all of your experiences, all the lessons you've learned that you would want to pass on to your kids

and the world, and you get three things to share, what would be your three truths? Nothing is as it seems. Everyone is hurt. Everyone is hurt? Yeah. hurt yeah and don't you know don't be afraid to long hug i love that yeah that's a good i mean there's probably more to that it's like being intimate you know i think uh fearless love is extremely extremely powerful yeah and you know i'll I don't know, you get in moods. I'll get in closed-up moods where I don't really want to be around people.

And I know what it feels like to walk down the street anywhere and just, like, feel a sense of brotherhood with every human. Yes. I felt that, but I want it more because it's fleeting and it goes. And so I'm trying to figure out, you figure out ways to kind of stay in that state. Yeah. That's powerful, man. Yeah.

Those are good truths. I want to acknowledge you, David, for your childlike joy and curiosity. You've got this joy about you and this childlike love this whole time I'm experiencing with you. this childlike love this whole time I'm experiencing it with you and every time I've been around you and on screen, you bring this type of joy and childlike curiosity and love and fun and humility and wisdom to you. So I want to acknowledge you for all those gifts that you have. Oh, amazing. Thank you.

And for, even though we've only hung out three times now, I feel like we're really becoming good friends with the long embraces of the world. That'll do it. It'll skip some steps there. I know, right? So congrats on everything, man. You're doing amazing work in the world. I know you've got a business you're launching.

I don't know if you're allowed to share what that is. And if you've got other stuff where people can follow you online, where can they go to connect with you? Oh, well, first i i mean it i think i think uh what you're putting out in the world and your intention and your mission is as beautiful it's a truly beautiful thing and uh i think when you go and take everything you'll have you'll have left a massive imprint on this place and i think that's really powerful. But as far as, yeah, I've got some exciting things that's actually kind of tied into some of the stuff I'm doing. But I'm curious about cues, the way people,

it's really hard to unwind and to kind of feel relaxed and to rest. And I think people need physical things sometimes to do that so I've created this bathrobe company I have this bathrobe that's really really lovely and you put it on and it and it does that for me it kind of just tricks me into just chilling and get getting into a restorative place and so it's an upgraded bathrobe really yeah an essential that people sort of forgot they need yeah most men don't wear bathrobes right a lot depends on your age and you know things so anyway these bathrobes will be available around christmas and i'll say some stuff on my it's just my name on instagram and stuff and at david walton and uh yeah i'll have some more stuff as we launch this

company and if you want a nice bathrobe for Christmas, it's called The Perfect Bathrobe by Wakanichi. I like it, man. There you go. You'll have to post more on Instagram now. Yeah, I'm going to have to go. I may have to ask you for advice. I may be coming to you for advice, actually.

Anytime, man. And are there any new series or shows or movies? Yeah, well, I just shot this movie called Later Days. It's kind of like a breakfast club, but everyone's 40. It's an independent film. Oh, that's cool. Hopefully in about a year,

you can see it in the theater. So that's usually how long it takes. I know, it's annoying, right? Yeah. It's hurry up and wait, right? Yeah. Amazing, man. I've got one final question for you.

Sure. And it's what's your definition of greatness? Of greatness? Uh-huh. I think it has to do with integrity. I think it has to do with integrity i think it has to do with knowing who you are deciding how you're going to operate your life the values and then putting your money where your mouth is to me that's that's great it can be small and no one can ever know about you but if you're living with integrity that's a super high standard hmm there you go yeah David Wong my man thanks brother thank you

oh my friends we can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light. Don't be afraid of your own light. Don't be afraid of your own gifts. You might have some opportunities in front of you that seem like they're scary, that seem like they're challenging, that seem like, what if you fail? But what if you succeed? What happens when you succeed and you're able to inspire and help other people, you're able to get yourself out of this darker place that you're in right now and really grow

into the person you want to become. That's what's possible for you. Not living in a space of constant stress, anxiety, pain, frustration, overwhelm, uncertainty. That's not who you are and who you're supposed to be. I hope you really enjoyed this interview with David Walton. If you did, share it with a friend, lewishouse.com slash 869. Just text one friend and say, hey, I love your thoughts on this interview. I thought it'd be powerful for you. Someone you think it might resonate with.

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