The School of Greatness - 882 Own Your Pain

Episode Date: November 29, 2019

YOU CAN’T DISMISS PAIN. So many of us try to cover up our pain. We eat too much, buy too much, and drink too much in order to not feel anything. I used to avoid my feelings. I didn’t have the tools to process heartache and loss so I found another outlet: inflicting pain on the football field. But pain doesn’t just disappear- it will find another way of coming to the surface. For this Five Minute Friday, I revisited a conversation I had with Brene Brown where she explained how hate is just a mask for pain. Dr. Brené Brown is a research professor at the University of Houston where she holds the Huffington Brené Brown Endowed Chair at The Graduate College of Social Work. She has spent the past fourteen years studying courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy and is the author of three #1 New York Times bestsellers – The Gifts of Imperfection, Daring Greatly, and Rising Strong. If you look at the world today, people are pointing fingers looking for someone to blame so they don’t have to confront what’s inside. We are much better at causing pain than feeling pain. Learn how to tolerate discomfort in Episode 882. In This Episode You Will Learn: How Brene thinks we can heal the country (2:00) The reason why people hate (2:30) How Lewis had trouble dealing with loss (03:00) The toxic type of leadership you need to be aware of (4:00) If you enjoyed this episode, check out the video, show notes and more at http://www.lewishowes.com/882 and follow at www.instagram.com/lewishowes

This is 5-Minute Friday! Her name is Dr. Brene Brown and she is a research professor at the University of Houston. She has spent the past 16 years studying courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy and is the author of three number one New York Times bestsellers, The Gifts of Imperfection, Daring Greatly, and Rising Strong. And her latest book, Braving the Wilderness, The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone, is out right now.

Now, her TED Talk, The Power of Vulnerability, is one of the top five most viewed TED Talks in the world with over 30 million views. In addition to her research and writing, Brene is the founder and CEO of Brave Leaders, Inc., an organization that brings empirically based courage building programs to teams, leaders, entrepreneurs, change makers, and culture shifters. and culture shifters. I can't imagine a way through what needs to happen over the next decade that does not involve understanding pain. There's this incredible James Baldwin quote that says, now I understand why people hold on their hate so stubbornly because once they let it go, there's nothing but pain. Um, and I think we, we dismiss and don't care about that

pain at our own peril because pain will make itself known. It will not be dismissed. It's not an affect or an emotion that dissipates when it's ignored. Yeah. Well, I think this is fascinating you're saying this because I never wanted to feel the emotional pain. It was so hard to go through. I got a breakup with a girlfriend. I didn't know how to deal with the emotional loss of any type of pain or suffering as a man. And I remember being in the fetal position my freshman year in college for days, sobbing in my dorm room, just curled up in a ball

because I, you know, a relationship ended and I was so sad to be alone and I didn't have this person in my life anymore. And I would take it out on the football field. I was like, I don't want to feel this type of emotional pain. So how can I inflict as much physical pain on myself and other people to get it out? And it's hard to switch that off and just be like this loving, vulnerable man after you're on the football field, like inflicting pain on other people because you're supposed to. No. And I think whether we play football or not,

we're much better at causing pain than we are feeling pain. You don't want to feel it. No, you don't. And so we cause it and we hurt other people. Yeah, we do. And so, and if you look at leadership, whether you're in an organization leading a country, leading a family, as a parent, one of the cheapest, easiest ways to lead is to give people someone to hate

and blame for your own, your misery. And so we have to really watch that in our country right now. So if we, all you have to do when people are in uncertainty and fear is give them someone to blame and give them a reason to blame them and then step back and watch everything just fall apart. And so I think that's happening right now in our country. a reason to blame them and then step back and watch everything just fall apart. And so I think that's happening right now in our country. And so we have to push away the rhetoric.

You know, we have to own our pain. And let me tell you, it's not like you tell that story about the football field and it's so prophetic because every crisis we're up against right now, almost without exception, is about our inability, our unwillingness to deal with pain. If you look at the opiod addiction right now across, you know, somewhere, beginning with physicians, sent the message, there's no reason for you to hurt at all. Here's a pain reliever. Here's a pain reliever. You know, and things are not going well in your life. Well, here's a way to discharge hate and pain that'll make you feel better.

Like by drinking or by drinking or sex or whatever. Medicated, addicted, in debt and obese Americans in history. Like our tolerance for discomfort is zero. Soft. Yeah. Yeah. So here's the irony. Soft.

So our tolerance. What we're taught in football. Don't be soft. Don't be soft. So it's actually our inability to be vulnerable that makes us weak. Hey guys, if you enjoyed this inspirational clip from a past episode of the show, then you'll love the free book I'm giving away right now. It's called The Millionaire Morning. It includes some of my best tips for starting off your day with a millionaire mindset. Get your free copy at

themillionairemorning.com and just pay shipping. Again, check it out right now, themillionairemorning.com. you