The School of Greatness - 913 Greatness Redefined with Mel Robbins, Esther Perel, Maria Sharapova and Najwa Zebian

Episode Date: February 10, 2020

Don't let anyone stop you from becoming your best self. For this episode of The School of Greatness, I wanted to revisit the wisdom of some amazing women from our Summit of Greatness conference in 2017. These women are so empowering, and their words have stayed with me for these past few years.Mel Robbins is the most booked female speaker on the planet with a 7 figure speaking business. She is the author of the international best seller The 5 Second Rule, and she now she has a daytime talk show called The Mel Robbins Show. In 2018, she gave a fantastic TEDx talk titled "How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over" that has over 22 million views. Psychotherapist and New York Times bestselling author Esther Perel is recognized as one of today’s most insightful and original voices on modern relationships. Her newest book is the New York Times bestseller The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity. Esther unpacks what infidelity really is, why even happy people can be unfaithful, and how couples can recover from such a traumatic experience. Najwa Zebian is a Lebanese-Canadian activist, author, speaker and educator. She focuses on empowering people that have been abused and displaced. Najwa has become a trailblazing voice for women everywhere and has been highlighted by The New York Times and CBS News, among others. She has also creatively collaborated with Google, RBC, Kohl’s and Cirque du Soleil. She is host of the podcast Stories of the Soul which is all about inspiring people to heal from pain, suffering and abuse. Maria Sharapova is a Tennis Champion, author, and entrepreneur. She won her first Grand Slam tournament at just 17 years old. She’s held major commercial endorsements with companies including Nike and Tiffany & Co. She founded Sugarpova, a premium candy line, which is packed with antioxidants and non-GMO ingredients that are worth indulging in. She also founded the Maria Sharapova Foundation which helps children around the world pursue their dreams through education and scholarships. All of these women have unique wisdom that refine greatness in a truly inspiring way.Join us in Episode 913 to learn how you too can share your story with confidence, overcome negativity and become the best version of yourself you can be.Maria, what is one piece of advice you would give to all budding entrepreneurs? (7:15)Maria, how do you handle criticism? (11:26)Najwa, how do you balance sharing your vulnerable, painful story with being hopeful? (20:50)Esther, how do I handle the outside pressure of being with a wonderful man who doesn’t look great on paper? (33:50)Mel, does inspiration build action and courage? (46:05)How to get a new perspective on something you have done for a long time (3:30)How Maria mentally switched from being just an athlete to being an entrepreneur (5:20)Inspiration to fire you up if you are at the bottom (14:35)How to overcome negative self-talk and negative voices from your family (24:22)How to honor your parents while having healthy boundaries with them (8:40)Why it’s so important for everyone to have an open conversation about sex (32:10)How to date and commit to a partner when there are so many options (37:40)How to re-establish a connection with your previous partner after a divorce (43:40)Why imposter syndrome can be a good thing (44:30)How to find your voice if you’ve experienced an abusive relationship (47:10)If you enjoyed this episode, check out the video, show notes and more at http://www.lewishowes.com/913 and follow at instagram.com/lewishowes

This is episode number 913 on Greatness Redefined and sharing your own story. Welcome to the School of Greatness. My name is Lewis Howes, a former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur. And each week we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin. Maya Angelou said, all great achievements require time. Welcome to this episode today, guys. I'm actually in the middle of Puerto Rico spending some quality time with some of the

biggest thought leaders, New York Times bestselling authors, entrepreneurs who've built and sold billion-dollar companies, and just all-around great human beings in the world. We're connecting with Brendan Burchard, going over how to make a bigger impact in the world, how to build our businesses so that we can have more resources to impact more people, how to create a bigger impact in the world, how to build our businesses so that we can have more resources to impact more people, how to create movements. And it's been a powerful last few days and it's reminding me about time. How do we use our time? How long things take in order to build something meaningful, a movement takes time. Things don't happen overnight. And sometimes we lose sight of that and we want it so fast. And we forget the power of our story. And we sometimes are so limited by our beliefs of what is possible

in a limited amount of time as well. And this episode is an incredible series of interviews with some powerful women. We've got Esther Perel, who's New York Times bestselling author and recognizes one of today's most insightful and original voices on modern relationships. We've got Mel Robbins, The Five Second Rule and her new show, The Mel Robbins Show. We've got Najwa Zabian, who's an amazing speaker, poet, and author, and the world champion, Maria Sharapova, all on here talking about a number of different things. And we hit on a range of topics with these experts, answering questions directly from the audience at Summit of Greatness. And if you haven't been to the Summit of Greatness, this is our annual event. You can go to summitofgreatness.com

to learn more about it. And we just announced our first few speakers for this year. We talk about the importance of sharing your story and how to manage negative backlash as all these women have experienced backlash on their rise to greatness. We break down the stereotypes of relationships and what society defines as gender roles in romantic partnerships. We talk about how to break the habits that hold you back in your life from reaching your full potential. So if you've got negative habits, how to break those. We talk about when you're at the top of your business and career, how to keep your hunger, your drive, and your peace of mind when other people are coming at you. That and so much more. I'm very excited about this. Some incredible women that we've got on here. Make sure to

share this out on your social media, lewishouse.com slash 913 and tag the ladies. You can also go to the show notes and learn more about them and connect with them over there. And now I'm excited to get into this episode with the ladies of greatness. Maria, your podcast, they were great with Lewis I learned a ton about you and you're how genuine you are how honest you are and something I really enjoyed was for a while you said you hated being in the car that everyone knew it was the tournament it was a tournament car you didn't like it was it your time away from the sport or did something change over those 15 months that now you embrace it again? You like those things, you enjoy it? Yeah, that's a great question.

I think when you do something for a very long time and as specific as tennis is and it's around the world in a very similar places tournament at the same time of the year, you know where you're going, you know what you're getting. You know the people. There's a sense of routine in all of that, which is very comforting. But when you've been around the block for so many years, you have to find ways to motivate yourself. And being away from the game for that period of time,

it gives you a new sense of perspective. As I went into this year's US Open, and I get to a grand slam like five or six days before the tournament starts to get used to the conditions practice on the courts and and I remember my coach booked a practice on on center court like four days before the tournament began and the day before we're supposed to practice they had an issue with the court and everyone that was scheduled to practice on center was canceled and when he told me I literally felt like I don't know someone kicked my dog like it was an awful feeling

and I was like what I've practiced on that court for so long like I've played on it I've practiced on it and it was like I realized that right there right then that this was something new to me like I was looking forward to it, like how much I missed it. And yeah, it's those little things that you need to gain appreciation. And sometimes that's what it takes. Awesome. Thank you. Of course. My question is, you grew up in tennis and tennis was pretty much your mentality. Lewis talked about how he had that one moment where he's like, oh, holy, I'm an entrepreneur. And I know as an entrepreneur, I've had that moment as well.

So I'm really curious to see or to know that moment from you from when your brain switched to Maria Sharapova, the amazing tennis player, to I'm Maria Sharapova, a business owner and an entrepreneur. Like when was that switch for you? What was that aha moment? I think it developed over time when I understood what I was passionate about and what I enjoyed doing. When I was younger, I really, I loved fashion. And so a lot of the projects that I was involved in were based around fashion. I had, I designed collections with Nike for the things that I would wear for the other girls that were playing on tour as well. And that was, like, I just, I loved the clothes and the textures and just the experience of working with the designers.

And then that shifted into business. Like, I found myself in meetings with, you know, decisions that were, you know, tougher. Like, that it made more impactful than maybe choosing a texture for a skirt. And I realized that, like I appreciated that. I wanted to learn from them more. And as I sat in these meetings more and more, I just gained a new appreciation of people that were really good at what they did. And I wanted to learn from them them and maybe I could one day use it in my business and then I was I had a shoulder surgery at 21 years old right after I won my third Grand Slam title and I was away from the game for about a year and that was a time when 21 is for for an

athlete and tennis player specifically that's really like I mean kind of the peak of your career that's when you should be I had been playing amazing tennis starting off the year and five months later found myself on an operation table just not really giving all control whereas I controlled my whole life giving control to someone that's you know going to put my tendon back in place and that was scary and I think that's when I realized that tennis wouldn't be my whole life. And there's a lot of different avenues that I would want to explore. Thank you. Of course.

My question to you is, what is one piece of advice that you would give to all of the budding entrepreneurs that are in this audience? Wow. A few. I think teamwork is extremely important. It's something that I've used as an athlete and I've used in business. I think when you start a business, you are the sole, you know, you're the creator and you have the ideas and you're the one that pays most of the bills. But you don't know everything. And I think it takes a step down for someone to say you know what I'm not

perfect in that area or I don't know enough in that I need to bring other people in I want to learn from other people and accept their knowledge I spent a few days shadowing Adam Silver who is the NBA commissioner and I spent a few days just like being in a room with him with I mean he is a leader I mean if there's a leader in an athlete's world it's it's Adam Silver and he he constructed these meetings with a type of attitude that allowed everyone in the room to give ideas brainstorm without feeling any pressure that this guy is their boss and is their leader. At the end of each meeting, he would give his few ideas and most likely he'd go back to the office and think to himself, okay, that wasn't that good. But he didn't, he wasn't pushy. He didn't put pressure

on people. He allowed them to work together. That was very impressive. The question I have for Maria is I'm so impressed with you as an athlete in your mindset girl like watching you you're like the protege for a long time as the young you know young athlete that came up and when you were beating people you were knocking them off but you've kind of lasted that career and now you're the person that they want to then beat. What has that done for you in the position mentally and when you had that effort to go get them because you were the underdog and you were the young girl on stage

to now being the person that doesn't matter if they're ranked or known, they beat Maria Sharapova. That's their notch on their belly. It's a very interesting shift and it's something I go quite deep in the book because I felt this so much I mean I I won my first Grand Slam at a very young age I was only 17 years old and I

was not expected to win I didn't expect it for myself no one expected it from me and immediately was put in a position which I'm grateful for for, of course, but it brought so many things on the table that I didn't know what to do with. And one of the things I immediately felt was this, when I would go into a match following that victory, that the opponent that was playing me was playing much more than that particular round that we were in. They were playing for beating me, for getting everything that I had gotten along the way after that victory. And it was hard. It felt very isolating because it, I mean,

you want to put yourself in your own group, in your own bubble, in your own league. I think that's something that we want to aspire to. We want to get there. But it was a lonely feeling. It felt like I had to go within myself and be like, but I still want to beat them. I almost had to feel like I had to beat them even more.

That's the mentality because it's really hard. It's hard to face that as a teenager. And it was a reality check really hard. It's hard to face that as a teenager, and it was a reality check really fast. And I mean, I face that, you know, till this day. But I think that's a privilege. It's a good position to be in. It's where you want to be. If someone wants to beat you,

that means you've done something to get there. It means you're doing something right. I mean, that's something that Billie Jean King always says, pressure is a privilege. Anyone who watches you knows your intense amount of focus. So when you face critics, negative comments, et cetera, whether it's fans, players in the locker room of that nature, what's your best way of handling it? Do you focus that you just completely shut it out? Do you learn from it? Do you address it? Maybe explain a little bit that we can all relate to. Yeah, I've faced a lot of it ever since I was young. When I won Wimbledon, I remember a news outlet flying from Great Britain

to my grandparents' home in the middle of nowhere. I have no clue how they found them. And we're questioning my grandparents on not only questioning, but criticizing my grandparents on how could you do this to your, you know, your grandchild, sending them to America when they're young, making them play tennis every single day, trying to get this negativity out of them for comments that they could use in a news, in a media outlet. And from that point on, I realized that this was going to be a crazy ride because that was, I mean, that's just weird. And I faced a lot. I've faced headlines. I faced tough critics. I faced negativity. I faced envy as a woman. But I always go back to something that I've always seen in my mother.

And that is, you know, my mom was always in the shadows of my career. She wasn't into sports. She had nothing to do with it. And she dedicated her whole life just to be there for me to be my mom and she carried herself with this just elegance of not letting anyone control her life tell her what to do tell if you know her maybe her parents said she was crazy for allowing her daughter to go to America at a young age but she did it with this class and elegance that I've always carried with me throughout my whole career. I think there's a very powerful, a powerful element in a woman when you're just able to step back and accept it and put your head up and say, you know what, I accept this today and I'm going to take action. And with

my actions, I'm going to change an opinion around. And I will also say for every tough critic, there are hundreds and hundreds of people that are positive and have something amazing to say about you. But our mind just doesn't function that way. Our mind always goes to the one person that just said that one word and that tough word. And we, we analyze it and we go, we, it's like a hamster wheel. It's in our mind. Why would they say that? But we didn't mean that. And it's hard. It's definitely hard. But I always think of my upbringing and I think of my parents and it just grounds me. So that's, that's how I try to handle it. Thank you. So, I mean, you made it big at 17. You went big at 17. You have had a long and successful career. Last year was like a reset button from you,

basically, right? You got to prove yourself again. So I guess that during those times, you were looking for motivation, you were looking for inspiration to get you up so let's turn the tables and let's imagine that you're sitting on any of these seats what would you like to hear from someone like you to pump you up fire you up I think firing you up it takes time I think like realistically it takes time when you are down and you are going through a tough moment like you can have great people around you you can have positive words and positive energy and you can go dance and have a drink and feel good for a little bit but then then reality settles in and you go kind of back down again. And so I acknowledge that because there's no easy answer.

Like there's no, there's nothing someone will say to you that will just change everything around. It takes time. It takes people. It takes patience. It takes resiliency. And you have to go through it. Like there's no, there's no easy way around it. It's the way it is.

Whether it was for me, everyone in this room has faced those challenges in their own personal way. And you have to acknowledge it. You have to bring it to the surface. Sometimes we're in denial a little bit. It takes time to get that up to the surface. And that always makes the process a little bit easier personally time to get that up to the surface and that always makes the process

a little bit easier personally for me and writing like I I love putting the tough days on paper I don't necessarily love it at the moment but I love getting it out of my system on paper not to people but sometimes something that you do with your hand is very important there's like I always feel like there's a connection with your mind and your hand and having it and then and then the satisfaction of getting through that moment and looking back at that and seeing I faced that and I overcame it I'm curious for you as someone who clearly is like very open about your struggles and your pains like how do you always temper it in such a way that you can be a source of inspiration,

be a source of hope for the people that are watching you, listening to you? So that is a very complicated question. I will try to answer it in pieces. Hey, take your time. I wish we had all day. We have to start with a definition of what vulnerability is. And I do come across many people who say, my vulnerability is weakness.

I don't want people to see that I'm vulnerable. And I think that we have to look at who it is that we are sharing pieces of who we are with. Because you're not just going to be vulnerable with everyone around you. There are certain healthy boundaries that you need to build between you and other people. So you have to look at who are you opening up to? Who are you hoping to be seen by?

Who are you hoping to be heard by? Instead of seeing your vulnerability as something that you want to hide away from everybody or give it to everybody, right? Because you will have people who won't honor your story. Like I spoke today because I knew that everyone in here would honor my story. Everyone in here wants to listen to me. But the mistake that we tend to make, most people tend to make, is that they are vulnerable with the person

who doesn't want them to be vulnerable with them. They're doing it in hopes that that person will open their eyes and say, you do deserve to be loved because of everything that you've gone through or the struggles that you're going through. So we open up to the wrong people. So once we shift who we need to be vulnerable with, then we start seeing vulnerability as a source of us uncovering ourselves and feeling whole with ourselves and with that person in front of us. Because, and I'm sure everybody could relate to this, when you talk to someone about a personal thing and you don't feel like they valued it, you're putting one more brick on that wall that you're building. You're not opening up more.

So the purpose of it is being heard and being seen. So it has to be the right people. Does that help? Yes. Yes. So you're saying then be more focused on who it is that you're sharing that vulnerability with so that it can be a balance. Do they have permission? Do they deserve? Instead of asking yourself, am I worthy of them listening to me? Ask yourself, are they worthy of hearing my story?

Great. Wow. Total refr f***ing great. Sick. Wow. Total reframe for me. Thank you. Thank you. I guess my question is, how can I support you? You just did.

You just did. I tend to get very emotional when I talk about things like this, but I went through an experience where I was made to believe that a certain stage of my life never happened, I talk about things like this, but I went through an experience where I was made to believe that a certain stage of my life never happened, and then I made it up in my mind, and that was part of the abuse. So when I speak of my story, the most empowering thing for me is when someone says, I believe you. That's it.

believe you. That's it. I grew up in Israel. I can relate to you. You're from Lebanon. My story is about mental health and my journey. And my goal is to help others get out of their mental health through my journey. And I

feel like as an Orthodox Jew, I get a lot of stigma. And I'm sure you can relate to that. Yes. We're very similar. Yeah. I feel like a sister. But I'm so goal-oriented to break that stigma

and not to hear the voices. But I do have a family. I do have a huge support network. But when those voices come and those bashing comes, what do we do to just isolate them and just keep focused and say we're on a path, I'm not going to let them stop me, because they're strong voices. Yeah, well, I would just like to begin by saying I really, really can relate to what you're saying. I've had to walk on a path where most of the people around me within my community or within my family,

within my culture, within my religion, they would look at me and say, oh, you're looking at things that don't really matter. It's all in your head, just shake it off. you're looking at things that don't really matter. You know, it's all in your head. Just shake it off. And for a long time, again,

with building homes inside of people, sometimes you build that home inside your culture, inside your religion, and you say, if I don't fit that, if there's no room for me there, that means that I'm just not worthy as a human being. So you have to start, and I do this myself, you have to start thinking of what is the real goal here of them telling me that I shouldn't take care of my mental health, right? What are they getting out of me not feeling like I've taken care of myself?

Why is the focus on them and what they think of what I need? My focus should be on me and what I need to continue moving on in this life. Because at the end of the day, yes, you have a family, you have a community, but you are walking your own path, right? So when you get those comments, picture it like this. You have a home inside of you and part of that home is self-value and self-worth. If someone points a comment at you, it's like somebody knocking at the door. Open the door, you see who it is. It's a negative comment that tells you something that you know is wrong. You don't welcome it in. You just let it leave. So it's about your perception of what they think of you

and how you minimize it that will allow you to let go of that. And in terms of having bigger initiatives for communities as a whole to get rid of the stigma, people have to share their stories. It was a big hit when I shared my story. I shared my story and I'm writing a book, but I'm getting a lot of... Because my story is beautiful and it has a beautiful ending,

but people are like, keep it to yourself. I shared my story. I did did i shared it and i got messages saying from from people in my community you're looking for publicity right you are you asked for it right you behaved in a way that makes what happened to you something that you deserved happening to you i got that but i didn care. They're not living my life. And for the 5% of messages or feedback that you get like that, you get 95% hidden stories saying, I've been struggling with this for five years,

and you just gave me a voice. So people need to start sharing their stories. Thank you. Thank you. Assalamu ala stories. Thank you. Thank you. Assalamu alaikum. Wa alaikum assalam. I think that the question that I have for you is while I'm on my healing journey, I know you talked about mind platter, nectar of pain, and now this other stitching with gold, right?

I feel like I'm stitching with gold. How do I create a boundary, especially with the stigma of, oh, yo, these are your parents. You should, you know, allow them to do whatever it is, you know, it's okay, forgive them. Where I'm being very, very protective of my own time, my own integrity, my own energy to make sure I honor my wife and my children moving, oh man. The mask, the mask, let me go. Let it out. Yeah, what advice would you give me as a man, as a human being, but as a father

and a role model for other men and children out there, what advice would you give me to make sure that I honor and respect my mother and father for giving birth to me, but at the same time honoring who I am and the pain that I honor and respect my mother and father for giving birth to me, but at the same time honoring who I am and the pain that I've gone through as a child, a son, as a leader. Thank you for sharing that with me. Thank you for sharing that. Are they asking you to be around you, your family, or are you thinking of how you should go to them

and ask for a relationship, or is it just kind of up in the air? I kind of went out of my way this year to forgive them. It was a long process. It was a four-year process for me. And it was my father, I've forgiven him, my mother, I've forgiven her, but now the question is... Rebuilding the relationship.

Rebuilding the relationship, but making sure... I never received an apology, just like you. Yeah. Yeah, so it's like, I want to make sure that those toxic behaviors, those manipulative patterns, they don't show up, and I want to be able to take a stand, and that's where the boundary comes in. Because I don't want to just continue the relationship because you're mom and dad and I want that validation. Absolutely. You see what I'm saying?

Yeah, I agree with that. So what I would do is once you restart your relationship with them, if you choose to, because that's totally up to you, trusting them again is definitely a risk. It's a risk and you don't know what you're going to get out of it. But you have to be very mindful and very aware of what you will accept and what you won't accept. Forgiveness is a very tricky topic because to forgive someone, we usually think that forgiving them means that what they did was okay. That we're saying, we're letting go. Yeah, you know, it happened in the past.

It was okay. That's not what forgiveness is. Forgiveness is saying what happened was horrible. You shouldn't have done it. But I'm no longer going to allow the pain that you caused me to affect who I am right now. I'm forgiving you for me, not for you. You have to deal with what you've done right so if you think of you forgiving them that way then that keeps you mindful of the fact that those things might come up and if they do you're gonna have to draw red lines again but if you go into it while you're

mindful fully alert that something like that might happen and might cause some triggers for you, the impact will be much less because you've already kind of expected or anticipated it. But send me an email because I would like to give you my full thoughts on this. Oh, you got it. Definitely. Yeah. I appreciate you immensely. Thank you for being, I just want to acknowledge you for just a moment.

As a Muslim woman, I've, you know, I grew up in the Middle East. I was born in Mecca, Saudi Arabia. So, and I have very religious parents. My father is,

my mom, she was a Buddhist. So like, and I had that struggle. But for you as a woman who still owns her faith, proudly, immense gratitude and appreciation for showing up for my younger sisters.

I'm so proud of you. I just want to honor you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. The point, I can't remember at all how this came up. What is very clear is that sexlessness, infidelity, polyamory, a complete new relationship between father and child, gender fluidity,

all these are topics that are entering the office of a couples therapist like they never have before. And what needs to happen is an open conversation about it not what you do with it but the ability to have a conversation about this virginity used to be the big line 50 60 years ago monogamy is the discussion of the day but we need to define what we mean by this and so part of what we were discussing is what happens with boundaries today. The boundaries are changing all along. When you come as sexual nomads to a relationship in which you then make a commitment,

exclusivity means something very different. What does exclusivity mean? It means that I'm finally willing to relinquish my freedom for you, my dear, for whom I will delete my apps. We have to redefine all the terms. We're using the same words and they mean completely new realities. So too on the polyamory front. So that's kind of where this was. Yeah, next. There was a girl earlier who was talking about being the strong, powerful woman, and that's kind of where this was yeah next there was a girl earlier who was talking about being the strong powerful woman and that's hard to be that in the relationship but I don't have

an asshole guy I have the most amazing guy in the world who makes me feel like even more of a success than I know I am on paper he's not that paper. Society tells me that I need somebody like that. But he fits me emotionally. What's your thought? Let me, I'm going to answer you with something that I talk about not often. Certainly I don't think I've ever talked about it like that on stage. But I'm so, I just feel so bad about your question and about the pressure.

I feel so under pressure all the time. The pressure, you know, it's like this notion that you have to choose between being powerful or successful. And what do you say is that you need to have a partner who is the same? Yes. Because the word loser doesn't exist in the feminine. And the word emasculated, by the way, doesn't exist in the feminine either. Those are curses for men.

You understand? There is lots of strength. And there is today, if we're going to really talk about gender equality, it is not about 50-50 or this kind of things. It is really about letting the people do that which they are most competent doing. It's really about letting the people do that which they are most competent doing. If you are better at braving the world outside, at making the money, at doing the taxes, God knows what else goes on,

even the car, the garden, all of that stuff, then go, as long as you have on the other side someone who reminds you, someone who holds that feminine side of you, for you, someone who looks at you like that regardless of how much work and how much power you have had to exude in the world. This is complementarity, and relationships thrive on complementarity. But the complementarity in straight couples is based on gender

and not on what the gender does best. Thank you. So, what I was going to say to you, I have been the primary breadwinner in my family for 35 years that I'm married to the same man. We have two sons who have seen the whole thing. But my husband does human rights work, and that is glorious work, years that I'm married to the same man. We have two sons who have seen the whole thing, but my husband does human rights work, and that is glorious work, but it is not work that sends kids to school.

And that, you know, I admire him every minute. You know, there's enough wars and disasters going on for him to have worked till after he dies, you know, but maybe partly because I have a different view on this. I never saw this as it takes the feminine out of me. I just thought, you know, I have this strength. I happen to know this, you know, I happen to be lucky or something, whatever, but he contributes in so many other ways. And to come here and to have him just say, I'm proud of you, because this book is finally out, and it's three years in the make, and the whole thing. And I think I am so supported by a strong man,

because a strong man is a man who doesn't get intimidated by a strong woman. My question to you, because I feel like I'm the epitome of dating right now in America and in my age group. I, you know, I want to date. I'm one of those people that said, yeah, I think I want to be in a relationship, but you have like these different flavors of yourself, right? You have happy Jay, you have sad Jay, you have like need to be cuddled Jay, need to leave me alone Jay, you have like horny Jay, whatever. And my partner has all those same flavors too. And you can have like the perfect mix it seems for weeks or months and all of a sudden like

you clash because you're in the wrong flavor for each other at that point in time. And it's like, let's start swiping again. Okay. Thank you. Thank you. Please. Okay. Thank you, thank you. Finish your question just so I'm not sure I'm not going off in the wrong track. He's scared.

I'm just, the question. So I'm misattuned and I start to think about my swiping hand again and... Yes, so I'm asking, what's your advice to me? What should my expectations be? Where should my level of patience be? Like, how do you fix me? So...

Next Wednesday, 9 a.m. Look, relationships is this dance. Connection, disconnection, repair. That's the cycle. Attunement, misattunement, recalibration. However you want to name this. It's this rhythm. It's this rhythm. It's a rhythm.

So first of all, when you tell me the first sentence, you know, when we are perfectly in sync, I'm like, oh, get the fuck, we're perfect, out of there. It's just like, it's crippling. Because the minute you're not perfect, you get restless. And the minute you get restless, your fingers start to twitch. And it just takes you to a whole other place rather than maybe you're restless and you actually turn to your partner and you say, you know what, I'm restless. My fingers would like

to twitch. Would you like to sign on too so maybe I can swipe you? You know. in case you choose monogamy, that's actually an interesting way to go about it, you know, it's like, bring this restlessness, instead of always siphoning it out, and it's like, bring it, you know, in the same way that you say, I'm your oxygen tank, have her be your oxygen tank, turn to her, rather than away from from her when you experience discontent, restlessness, whatever you call that. So that's the first thing. You know, people these days, the problem with swiping or social in general

is that you can curate all kinds of fantastical and wishful lives online. You can have a thousand friends online, but that doesn't mean you know who's going to feed your cat. I think what you want, first of all, is to accept. It's very difficult to transition from the kind of sexual nomadism and the kind of multiple options to now just stay here and to stay put. And it takes a while to know what to do

when suddenly you don't feel that she's interested in you in the same way, or that she's not as turned on in the same way, or all the changes that take place. And to actually bring this into the conversation, which makes for a very interesting exchange when you don't just go into rules and regulations and ultimatums. To me, that's when you start to create real muscle in a relationship. If you have a relationship that allows for the swiping and for the going elsewhere, that's your negotiation.

The problem in most straight couples is that the negotiation, this is back to the other question as well, the negotiation about monogamy is just about five words. I catch you, you're dead. That's about as much as people talk about. And that's when I realized that after a crisis, people actually really get in there and start to talk about the real stuff. So what happens to you?

Do you get lonely? Do you feel insignificant? Do you feel like I shouldn't have to demand? I shouldn't have to expect I shouldn't have to wait because I'm such a stop I'm such a great guy and I do for everybody else and I come home and I sit here and I wait for her and she's Not even in the bed with me and all of that what that may not be your service like what what's your sense of entitlement? But in the good sense of the word, what's your sense of entitlement? But in the good sense of the word. What do you feel you deserve?

Because, you know, there's a lot of people here who say, who are you and what do you deserve? But there's a lot of people who say exactly that with a different tone. Who are you and what do you deserve? You know, so you feel like once that person was there for you all the time, and now they're not so instantly available and responsive. And then you start to feel like your self-esteem is shriveling and your sense of importance is being shattered. My suggestion for if you want a relationship with muscle

is that you go back in there and you duke it out and you fight and you don't ever think that a good relationship doesn't have arguments. You're on the contrary, and you create a thing that is called fierce intimacy. Right here, what advice would you give someone who has recently gone through a divorce, but is constantly on the road and

wants to reestablish a meaningful connection with their previous partner? Oh, that's a beautiful question. Because, I mean, both of you are talking also about breakup. Okay, listen, I'm not going to do justice to any of this because I want to respect his time. So it goes like this. justice to any of this because I want to respect his time. So it goes like this. One of the things and maybe one of the things that I think we need to bring back is the art of letter writing, not texts.

We didn't even talk about technology and about texting and ghosting and simmering and icing and all of the stuff that people are doing with relationships and technology. I think when you have a new relationship, imagine that instead of texting, which is still super nice, you write a handwritten letter. Do any of you, I don't even know how old you are, but do any of you remember going to a mailbox and seeing an envelope that had a recognizable hand letter? This is the direct road to somebody's heart. You want to reconnect with your ex?

Write her a handwritten letter. Thank you. Now, that podcast with you and Louis, that was like my favorite podcast I heard in life. It changed everything this past year. I also come from a legal background. I quit my large law firm job last month. Congratulations.

Thank you. You're free. I am. And I'm moving overseas. Took the leap going to Vietnam to chase a new and better opportunity. My question is, I'm very excited about this opportunity. I still have this nagging feeling of an imposter syndrome. Like, did I oversell my corporate M&A experience? Good. Listen, imposter syndrome is an amazing thing

because it's normal when you're doing something new. Why the hell would you feel confident if you're doing something for the first time? And so if you don't feel imposter syndrome in some area of your life, which is that feeling that you A, either don't deserve the success or that people are going to find out you have no clue what you're doing, you are not growing. You're not growing. And so I want you to embrace the fact that you feel outside your comfort zone. Feeling that way is normal.

Letting it stop you is a choice. And so learn to actually ride the wave and understand that the only way that imposter syndrome goes away, and you can Google this research, it's about the confidence competency loop. Confidenceency loop. Confidence-competency loop. All the research around confidence, which disappears imposter syndrome, is that it starts with being willing to try, to learn new skills, to see yourself growing, and then once you gain the competency,

all the resistance and insecurity disappears. So great, congratulations that you have imposter syndrome. So yes, embrace imposter syndrome. Being able to actually step into it is a sign of greatness. When your thoughts drift here though, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, and I want you to, your anchor thought should be something around how excited you are for this next adventure. Okay?

The question is, does inspiration build action and courage? I think that inspiration comes after the action. It's wonderful if you've been blessed as a human being to have a positive mindset and a healthy dose of motivation. If you're like the rest of us, mostly you're gonna be afraid of all the mostly you're going to be afraid of all the things you need to do. You're going to feel the resistance. And so I think it is so important that you drill it into your head that it all begins with action. Inspiration comes when you see yourself getting out of bed, when you see yourself going for a run despite how tired you

are, when you see yourself saying no because they didn how tired you are, when you see yourself saying no because they didn't offer you the deal that you wanted, you always have leverage in life because you can always say no. Negotiate contracts, never negotiate who you are. And so I want you to understand that it starts with action and it's a mistake for most of us to wait around until we feel like it because you may never feel like it got it thank you you're welcome my question to you is when you five four three two one action uh so when it comes to that go not like the the loop of anxiety or such

my wonder is about because i think that what comes after the one for me would be more intuitive. And so many studies show that intuition isn't necessarily the smartest thing to act on when you're in a situation that requires strategy. Yes. So I'm interested in using this tool, but in a circumstance, well, in multiple circumstances in my life. Give me a particular example so that I can come to you. Okay. I'll get vulnerable and very specific here. Okay, good. Okay, so I have a son and a very contentious relationship with my ex-partner.

Okay. So I'm very much heart-centered. Everyone's good. Everyone's loved. He's very much, I want to litigate the shit out of you and crush you kind of personality. Okay.

So we chose each other. This is our situation. Right. So. What do you want to change about how you're being? Because we can't change him. Yes. I want to specifically not feel like I'm constantly like being attacked. Like I feel like I'm constantly under attack and every single decision I'm making in my life right now, I have to see in the eyes of a judge. Like, will the judge take my son away from me if I make that decision for my life? Does this mean that I'm going to get, you know, pummeled with court papers tomorrow? Is it tomorrow? Is that your first name? Tomorrow. Okay. So let me just broaden out the question. So basically she's stuck in a loop

of feeling so uncertain that it's making it paralyzing to make any decision. And so first of all, given that divorce and custody is a legal construct, you have to make sure that you're not making, like you need to talk to an expert about particular decisions you're making so that it doesn't impact that. That's one thing. What you're dealing with is the result of being in a relationship where you were probably emotionally abused for years and it's become a habit to shrink. It's become a habit to feel attacked. It's become a habit to hide. And so where you want to really go to work, and this is your lesson from this chapter of your life, is to find your voice. And so when you start to feel yourself shrinking

or start to go down the mental habit of now second guessing your own heart-centered decisions because you've been taught to, this is where you use the five second rule to five, four, three, two, one, and your anchor thought needs to, come up with a vision, a very specific one of where you were when you felt your most free and empowered as a woman. And I want you to say to yourself, I'm so excited to be that, to feel that way again, because this is going to take a while. I would have to interrupt my thoughts 137 times a day when I first started attacking anxiety because it was so much a habit. Same is going to be true with you.

And so do not get discouraged when you see it again and you see yourself shrink again and you see yourself shrink again. Every time you see this stuff, you guys, it's a huge moment of power. You just woke up. You have a choice. Are you going to let that old behavior pull you in this way? Or are you going to five, four, three, two, one, push yourself to be greater? That's the choice that you get to make every single day. You got it? Yes. May I request just a clarification?

Sure. Okay. So you're saying within the specific context of my scenario, this for me really is more about my mental and emotional cycle. Oh, it's a thousand percent. A thousand percent. And you're saying with my initial question to you that I need to just put that to my attorneys, trust the attorneys, allow the process to go, and I just need to deal with this game up here. Yes, you do. And here's the other thing. Because this is a legal situation, like, you know, we look at divorce and custody and these sorts of things as emotional. It's actually a legal construct.

You're untangling and unpacking a marriage. If you have an unhealthy relationship with a person in your life, whether it's your ex or your boss, you have no business. You cannot trust yourself talking about anything other than logistics. Exactly. relationship with a person in your life, whether it's your ex or your boss, you have no business. You cannot trust yourself talking about anything other than logistics. Exactly. Got it? Because that's where I've been.

But like my desire was to hop out of the chair and be like, let me go call him. What time is it in the UK? Like, let's just all work this out. No. That's why my question was about that initial... Don't take the bait. Quick story. Can I tell a quick story? So my mother is one of my favorite people in the world.

I grew up in Western Michigan. I love, love, love, love, love her. We have this thing where when we go on vacation and see each other, when I'm with my family, we last about three or four days before there's like this massive explosion. And then it's all, you know, rainbows and butterflies again. But it's painful explosion. So I say to my brother, Derek, why do you never fight with mom?

And he looked at me. This was something he told me four months ago. Mel, I don't take the bait. When mom starts getting irritated and angry about stuff, you immediately, it's like she's fishing for you. And you're like, I'm in. And so if you can train yourself to not take the bait that you took for years,

I use the five-second rule right now in my life to really watch my tone with my family and with the people I work with. And so you could use this to really catch yourself with the habit of, jump in, fix it. Jump in and be lovely. Jump in and love everybody. Jump in, make it okay. That's exactly what it is because it's about controlling the narrative so everyone's good and happy. No, you can't control any narrative but this one yeah and this is the most important one anyway because you live with that person thank you phenomenal thank you you're welcome final question my question is you have obviously become a much more confident woman yes Yes. And you had so much anxiety before. That's how you

describe yourself. So my question is, since you've been using this and practicing it a lot, is it to the point where that's just how you crush everything? Or are there still some things that you feel that anxiety over? And if so, what are they? Every time I do something new, imposter syndrome. over? And if so, what are they? Every time I do something new, imposter syndrome. So we're, you know, I'm inspired by Lewis to do more events. I'm cutting my speaking business in half because I just can't handle the road anymore. 121 speeches last year. It was great in the beginning after 21 years of marriage because it felt like we were dating again. But then, you know, it gets a little old. And so all these new things that I'm doing, of course, there's a level of anxiety. But what's so freaking amazing is when you get control of

your thinking patterns and you actually have a breakthrough and realize you can choose what you think about, you won't torture yourself as much. You won't make things as hard. So yeah, I feel all that stuff. I should. We're in the middle of negotiating some crazy shit right now. And it may not happen. It may not happen. But I have the ability to let anxiety come and then just smash it down and regain control of what I'm doing right now so that I can be the smartest about what I want, so that I can align what I'm about to do in terms of a decision with my values,

and so that I don't let emotion, and particularly for women, there is a lot of bias in business. And if you get handed a crap deal, you'll be offended. And if you get offended in a business deal, you will not be a shark as a negotiator. And so, yes, I feel anxiety. I just know how to deal with it. I don't get scared of it.

Feeling it is normal. Letting it stop you is a choice. Excellent. Thank you. Thank you. I hope you enjoyed this interview series with some inspirational women from all walks of life. We've got authors, we've got speakers, we've got world-class champions all in this interview. And if you enjoyed it, make sure to share with your friends, lewishouse.com slash 913. It's all about redefining greatness with these powerful individuals who are making an impact around the world and who've also gone through some challenges in their life and talk about how they've overcome them.

Again, lewishouse.com slash 913. And you have an opportunity to make an impact on your friend's life. Your learning today has helped you. Now, I want you to go apply what you learned into your life and start to see the results that you're creating. But in order to inspire someone else to help them,

you've got to share this content. So send a text to one friend that you think might be inspired by these ladies' stories and share it because you can make an impact and a difference and change someone's life today by doing so. Just send them to lewishouse.com slash 913. I love this quote by Maya Angelou who said, all great achievements require time. Things take time, but you also don't want to be limited by time. You can create a lot in a short amount of time, but also empires and big dreams are going to take time. Continue to surround yourself with a team of people who can support you in your dreams.

Continue to surround yourself with the information you need to support you with your dreams and continue to take care of your health and your body so you have the energy to pursue those dreams. You matter. You're worth it. I love you very much and thank you so much for being here. You know what time it is. It's time to go out there and do something great.