The School of Greatness - Allison Holker OPENS UP: Navigating Grief, The Greatest LESSONS From tWitch & Finding Her Purpose

Episode Date: January 31, 2024

Please welcome Allison Holker, a pro dancer, on-air personality, and Emmy-nominated choreographer, known for her incredible performances on Dancing with the Stars and as a host of Design Star: Next Gen. She's here to talk about her new children's book, "Keep Dancing Through: A Boss Family Groove," which she co-authored with her late husband, Stephen "tWitch" Boss. We'll dive into their family's daily rituals, the role of dance in their lives, and what's next for Allison. But first, make sure to buy her new book for yourself and a couple friends.In this episode you will learnHow to effectively utilize affirmations during challenging times and maintain positivity despite adverse circumstances.Insights into emotional processing and learn whether it's beneficial to fully experience your emotions or to maintain a level of detachment.The consequences of lingering in negative emotions and how to navigate them towards a more positive mental state.The journey of self-discovery, comparing who Allison was a year ago to who she is now, and how significant life events have shaped her identity.How to gain a deeper understanding of how personal faith and the sense of divine protection can evolve through life's trials and tribulations, and how this shapes one's purpose and resilience.You can listen to our tribute episode to Allison’s late husband Stepen tWitch Boss  – https://link.chtbl.com/1364-podFor more information go to www.lewishowes.com/1569For more Greatness text PODCAST to [phone]

Hey, my friend, thank you so much for being here. I want to ask you for a quick request before we get started with today's episode. Apple decided to shake things up a bit, and you may no longer be following the School of Greatness, but luckily there's an easy fix. So really quick, if you can, double check for me that you're not missing out on Greatness. Just go to your app on Apple Podcast and hit follow on the top right-hand corner of the School of Greatness show page on Apple Podcast. Once you click the follow button on the top right corner, you're all set to get updated with the latest in greatness here from the School of Greatness. And if you haven't already, make sure to leave a quick review while you're there. Your thoughts matter to me. I read all of the reviews and I'm so grateful that you're

here. Thanks so much. Now let's jump into this episode. You have to advocate for yourself. You talk to yourself more than anyone else talks to you with your inner dialogue. So you have to advocate for yourself. You talk to yourself more than anyone else talks to you with your inner dialogue. So you have to choose kind words. You have to cheer yourself on. You have to be rooting for yourself. And so for me, I've taught that to my kids now. And every single morning we start our day off and they say, I'm strong, I'm smart, I'm beautiful, I'm kind. Welcome to the School of Greatness. My name is Lewis Howes, a former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur. And each week we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending

some time with me today. Now let the class begin. Welcome back everyone to the school of greatness i'm very excited about our guest we have the inspiring allison holker in the house so good to see you it's good to see you i'm so grateful to be here very grateful for you we met i don't know if you remember exactly we met december 2016 2016 has it been that long at a children's charity event that you were hosting. Yep. And within a minute of meeting you, we started salsa dancing. I do remember that. I have a video of us, actually. Yes. You're very good.

Thank you. You're a very good dancer. Thank you. I was very impressed that you were leading me. Like, usually I feel like I have to fake, like, the guy's leading, but really I'm doing all the work. Right. You were leading. Well, there's a difference that I've noticed, because I've got a lot of professional dancer friends that i've done like

a little salsa with and the pros that usually choreograph they don't know how to be led as well right so it's like you almost have to be like no relax let me like lead you as opposed to choreographing it when it's like improv salsa oh i a thousand percent was like probably trying to lead you like oh wait he's actually good he knows what he's doing this is fantastic it when it's like improv salsa. Oh, I a thousand percent was like, probably trying to lead you like, oh wait, he's actually good. He knows what he's doing. This is fantastic. So, and it's not as if other people aren't good. It's just exactly, it's exactly what you're saying. I usually have to kind of guide myself. I know exactly. Yeah. But it's been a,

it's been great getting to watch your journey, getting to know you. And what, what are so many amazing things that have happened in your life in the last seven years since I met you. So many amazing things and some challenging things. Absolutely. But you have this book out called Keep Dancing Through, A Boss Family Groove, which I'm really excited about. It's beautiful, amazing story, beautiful art. Want people to check this out. And it's called Keep Dancing Through. And I'm curious, why did you want to have a book come out now about this? And before you go into that, my whole intention for this

interview is for people to get to know you, who you are, lessons you've learned, your story, what your purpose is, and what you're creating now in your life. And this is one of the things that you're creating, Keep Dancing Through. So why did you feel like this was an important book to put out right now? Yeah, no, I love starting here. I, with my late husband, we wrote this book back in 2021. Wow. So it feels like the right time now

to actually release it, let people see the work we put in. It is something that we were so excited about together. Not just me, not just my husband, but also with our kids. We wrote this story that really just follows a day in our life, what it looks like, the challenges that you might face. And you follow each one of my kids through something a little challenging and it's very lighthearted but it really shows how we as parents would guide them with you know using affirmations to help them through a really difficult time and that is something that we have taught all of our kids since they were so little and I still believe in it so this story way back in 2021 follows all of us and showing that my kids have so grown up with affirmations that they use it to help each other. They don't necessarily need me to tell them when to use these affirmations.

They do it themselves. So for me, when writing this book, you're following our family. You're seeing the life lessons and what we believe in every single day. And then, of course, you know, 2022 happens. And it was a really difficult time for my family. Moving into then 2023 being one of the most challenging years of my life. And there was a lot of questions of, should we release the book? Selfishly, I had moments of like,

should I hold onto the book just to be a little time capsule for me and my kids, just for us to have a little memory to look back on. And I kept reading the book back to myself and then rereading the title over and over and over again, realizing this is all I can do is keep dancing through. It's what I'm gonna do, it's I'm going to teach my kids to do. And for all these people that have followed my journey since I was 18,

first on television, then following my late husband's journey through all of the amazing work he's done, seeing us come together, then having these beautiful kids together, it was a way for me to share that they can keep dancing through as well. And so for me, I was like like it's too important of a message and it really is who we are what we believe in you know and so for me this book is it's a testament to all the people that have followed our journey you can still love that and who we were and who we will still be. I mean, I want to talk about how you actually dance through something that can feel overwhelming, tragic, or horrific in life.

I want to talk about that in a second. But the thing that I'm most curious about in this moment is your love for affirmations, manifestation, and love. You were talking about this before we got on. You just mentioned it again. I also love, the synchronicity just hit me, that I met you at a children's hospital charity event and you're writing a kid's book right now. It's kind of like a full circle moment. It definitely is. Your investment and service for kids to grow up and live an empowering life of dancing through all of it. The beauty, the tragic, and everything in between. But you mentioned affirmations about how your kids say these affirmations. When did you get into manifestation and affirmations for your life? I really started doing a lot of manifesting and affirmations when I was 20 years

old. Really? And I was having a low moment in my life. And it was the sweetest thing. I was on a show and one of the crew members, I was like, you know, I was just having a really hard day and he saw me and I was crying. And he was like, I don't know you, but you, he's like, you're, I always see you so strong and I hope everything's okay. I't know what we were going through but he was like I was like honestly I just feel so discouraged so this is me 20 years old he's like you know what he's like I want you to go back to your to your room tonight look in that mirror and say I'm strong I have a wonderful life and I deserve to be happy Wow so he taught me that I am manifestation, that I have, and I deserve.

And I have been saying that, and I wish I knew his name, and I wish I knew where he was to this day. But he said that to me when I was 20 years old, and it is something that I still do to this day every single morning. Really? Every single morning, I've committed to it, and it's changed my life. And now, obviously, the affirmations have changed a lot. But I've been doing manifesting and affirmations for so long. And it's something that I believe has also been my champion of still being able to handle anything. Really? Because you have to advocate for yourself.

You talk to yourself more than anyone else talks to you with your inner dialogue. So you have to choose kind words. You have to cheer yourself on. You have to be rooting for yourself. And so for me, I've taught that to my kids now. And every single morning we start our day off and they say, I'm strong, I'm smart, I'm beautiful, I'm kind. And for Maddox, it's I'm handsome. And then every year as they're getting older, I add on new ones or allow them the space to kind of change them. So that's kind of one of the ones that's in the book. In the book, we found that we wanted to feel a little bit more rhythmical. So we changed it a little bit.

But our daily affirmation with my kids is I'm strong, I'm smart, I'm beautiful, and I'm kind. Have you ever had a season in life, maybe after 20, before 2020, where you had a down season emotionally or maybe a career or relationships or something was off? How do you use affirmations even when things seem to not be going well? And how do you use them and believe them even when everything around you is struggling. I feel like affirmations, you would accept it from someone else. When you're having a low moment and someone's like, you've got this. You would hear that, right? You can make a choice now if you're going to listen to it or not. But why aren't you just saying it to yourself? That's what it is. So whatever it is you need to hear from someone else in a moment, do it for yourself.

You know, and I would love to say that, you know, God works in such mysterious ways. He's going to put people in your life to say those things for you if you allow that energy into your life. But he gives you the opportunity to be it, you know. And so that is really my encouragement to my kids is you be it for yourself first. And then everything else will fall into alignment for you. Another one I start with my kids I think is so important is we do the hard things. We do the hard things. I say it to my kids.

I say, we do the hard things. It's really sweet. But I think even saying your affirmations falls into that same category because you have to make a choice to say it. You have to make the choice to do it every day and commit to it. And so it's a dedication. And I think where you build self-confidence is in dedicated acts. So for me, it's not just about the affirmations and it's not just about encouraging myself. It's giving me a platform to be like, I did that. And it's really hard and I've committed to it. I've been doing it every day for now 15 years. You know?

And so I just, I believe that it's dedication and commitment that you also learn to yourself. Absolutely. I'm curious about, you talk about doing it every single day for 15 years. How do you stay positive when you're not, when you don't get the audition, when something's going off in your family, when someone's mean to you, how do you continue to stay positive with affirmations to support you? I think the biggest thing, especially this year that I learned was you can be positive while also being sad. Oh, man, you can.

I know more than anybody now that you can have all of the emotions at the same time. Which one are you going to pick? Because right now I can sit here and I could muster up anger. I can muster up sadness. I can also be really joyful. I can be full of love. But it's which one am I going to choose to lean from, right? So for me, it's all of the things that I choose positivity. But even with that being said, I sometimes have been looked at as being overly positive, if I'm honest. I've always been looked at as being overly positive. I'm honest. I've always been looked at

as like, Alison, are you ever low? And the truth of the matter is I do get low. I don't always lean from it, but I've really had to learn this last year to be a little bit more vulnerable with myself. I've had to learn to allow my kids to see me a little bit more vulnerable. Yeah. And it was a hard lesson for me to learn. But if I wanted my kids to come to me with their grief or the different emotions that are impacting them right now, I realized for myself, though I'm always their biggest champion, I'm showing how to be positive, I'm showing them how to be up and lifted up, I need to show them that it's okay to be on the other side. So though I'm always positive, I've allowed myself to break that wall a little bit for them. Yeah. Did you feel like there was moments where you're maybe bypassing sadness or emotions in the last year? Or do you feel like you allowed yourself to feel everything?

I allowed myself to feel everything. Really? I feel like the only way to move forward is to feel everything. This was my first time going through a traumatic experience. thing. This was my first time going through a traumatic experience. And so I didn't really have any tools of what I thought was the right way to do this. I just had to let it happen. And so there would be times I, if I'm truthfully honest with you, there'd be times I'd just be screaming in my backyard. There'd be times I'd just be crying. But then again, it's okay to be here.

It's okay to feel these really big feelings because they're real. And they need to get out of me. I can't hold on to it and hide it. Because if I've learned anything, that's also a problem. So I've learned to allow myself to feel it, channel it, and then move through it. Because you can't stay. You have to make the choice to get through it. Wow. Because you can't stay. You have to make the choice to get through it. What happens if you stay in those emotions?

I feel like if you stay in those emotions too long, it can consume you. I don't want to be consumed by it. I need to feel it and address it and then get out of it. You know? It sounds like having a dance experience and being a professional dancer is also a tool that you can use when you're feeling the emotions to not stay stuck you can move you can you know wiggle your body you can dance you can do whatever you can but you can use your body as a tool to not shake it out to express it out it sounds like yes whenever i put

on music for my kids or if i sometimes you know people need to express themselves like with words sometimes people just need to have fun and let loose and get almost just free in their body so they're you know sometimes like when i see someone's timing like a low moment i'll just put music on and there's just like this freedom in this space where everyone's dancing on counters, coffee tables, somersaulting on the couches. It's kind of like there's no rules at this moment in my life with my kids. But it's a freedom that everyone finds. It's almost like tribal.

Everyone just gets to express themselves and get that like extra angst off of their body. And also something through trauma I didn't realize before is it takes on a physical form too. And dance is a great way to shake it off of you and get it off of you. And I found that it took me and my kids quite a long time to dance again. But then when we started, oh, it was like a breath of fresh air. We just felt like so much just leave our bodies. It was great. So we really cherish having that dance ability with each other.

I'm so glad that you're here because I was telling you beforehand, I don't feel like I've seen a lot of you sharing your personal experiences in conversation online that much. Obviously, there's photos of you. There's videos of you dancing. There's shorter things of you, but's videos of you dancing, there's shorter things of you, but not a long form expression like this. And I'm curious for those who don't know you fully or who think they might know who you are, but they don't really know who you are. Who were you before a year ago? And who is Alison today? I love that question. I think it's something I'm

still working on and trying to navigate if I'm just saying it. Before all this happened, I was a believer in I can control my life. I can make anything happen. I can do this. I can be here. I can make this all happen. And in some ways, I still believe that. But I think who I am now is it's out of my hands. My life is in the hands of God and the universe. And I must accept and learn that the role I must be played is already written for me. And I've got to accept it. And I've got to learn it.

And I've got to love it. And I've got to spread that message, whatever given to me to be spread. So that's where I've changed to accept it and I've got to learn it and I've got to love it and I've got to spread that message whatever given to me to be spread so that's where I've changed the most really is before I think I thought I could control my life and control what happened to me and control elements as long as I worked really hard as long as I live a dedicated life as long as I am reading these books and going to work on time and doing these things, I can really control everything. And now I've learned to let go of the control, still be ready for anything, but let go of the control and just accept the role that's been given to me and deliver on it. I mean, I've seen you at church before. I don't know how your spiritual religious views, for. I don't know how your spiritual religious views, but I'm curious, how has your relationship with God evolved, changed, shifted in the last year? I've always been a believer and I've always

been really spiritual. And I love going to the Church Mosaic. Erwin McManus is just such a hero of mine. I love Kim and I love Beck and Joe there. They've been such support systems for me and my family, but always. I've been going to that church for almost, I want to say eight years now. Yeah. They've been such lovely inspirations to me. And I think my relationship has changed a little bit because it's just grown. I leaned on it at times, but now I just trust that it has to be a part of all of me. Can't just be a sometimes thing. Really?

So it was like when it was convenient or sometimes you would lean on it? Like, you know, I would go to church and I believe these things and I pray and I know these things exist. But you know, like anything, you're putting it in a whole box with a bunch of stuff. I kind of attest my whole box to be it.

Really? Yes. So it's evolved in a big way. It's evolved in a big way. Wow. And I think it's important too. Because I think some people, when they go through an event like what you went through, losing your husband in a tragic tragic way i think it could be

two extremes it could be you know the universe has screwed me god has done something bad to me why this has happened to me why me um or it could go you know i'm going to be more of a believer and really hold on to some faith like there had to be a reason for this happening for me yeah it sounds like you lean more into this is i don't know why this happened and this is horrible but there has to be something good out of this it's it's interesting that you bring it up because i think through this tragedy i would i would say that i've been at my lowest in my entire life through this time. But I still feel so much gratitude for life. Really? And it's never changed. And that is why I believe so much in guidance from God in the universe,

because they never allowed me to get so low that I can't lose my gratitude on life. Really? I want to live. I still want to experience. I still think it's so beautiful. I still have so much love in my heart for my kids and our beautiful home that we've created and the space that we have and for my friends who supported me. And I still love the work that I have and the craft that I have. And I'm so grateful for the talent I have. And I'm so grateful, you know, just stepping outside in the beautiful sky. And I'm so grateful that I still am able to hold on to that. And it also makes me have so much empathy for times that people don't feel those things.

Because that has never left me through all of this. Wow. And I think that's because I'm being helped. You know, I feel, I can feel how protected I am through this. I feel the wings on my back. Really? What does that feel like feeling the protection? I feel like there's love constantly around me. Wow. I do. That's a good feeling. It's a great feeling. When did you start to feel that? While I was going through everything, I can't even, it feels like something on me.

It physically feels like I have protection on me. And it's something I don't know if I can describe into words, but I do. I know I'm protected. And if that's, you know, angels or spirits or God or Stephen, you know, it's just I feel like what's happened for me is my purpose has been something louder and bigger than I must just accept and keep driving forward. What did you think your purpose was before this versus your purpose now? So my purpose before, I believe this and I've said this like for years, I was always supposed to bring dance to people's homes. The love, the joy, the storytelling, I was always supposed to do that through dance. And I think now my purpose with that is still the same and it's grown,

but now it's with words. And I never used my words before. And it's interesting that you brought that up because it's not that I ever hid myself away. I chose and led with dance because that's what my purpose was before, was to bring love and joy, bring this storytelling, opening up those gates of conversation through dance. But now through it, I'm supposed to use my words. Wow. But now through it, I'm supposed to use my words. Wow. You know, it's interesting you say that because when we grow up and we develop a talent or a skill and we get acknowledged for it. I used to play sports a lot and I get acknowledged for my, you know, my ability on the football field or whatever. I never wanted to use my voice because I wasn't as skilled or confident using my voice.

I didn't, you know, I didn't want to be criticized and that I was just like, let me just play and let my performance speak for me. And I don't know, did you have that type of feeling of like, okay, I've got this gift, this talent, this skill, people are acknowledging for me. I'm getting on TV and things are happening. I'll just keep dancing. I never felt the need to have to use my voice. And it wasn't necessarily that I was hiding from it or ever shy of it. It's just dance was my vehicle. And I've been so fortunate to have such incredible opportunities with the different jobs I've had that I've been able to tell so many big stories not using my voice. It's so interesting. I look back now, I'm like, wow, that's fascinating. I didn't realize at the time because so much was being said, which is not from me with my actual words. Right. But through your choreography, your expression, your emotion.

Yes. And so many people have felt so many things with me that they think they know me. And I've allowed that space to be there. And now I've experienced so much in my life and there's been so much seen and my life is so public that I think it is time to start sharing a little bit more. Right. What's been the, since you are a public figure, what's been the most challenging thing you've had to face through this process? thing you've had to face through this process? I think the most challenging thing is that a lot of people through grief want you to grieve for them in a specific way. What do you mean by that? I mean that I am such a public figure that people have a lot of opinions in how I should be handling myself, how I should be handling the grief and what they expect to see,

should be handling myself, how I should be handling the grief and what they expect to see, what they expect me to say, what they expect to hear from me. And I've always been a person that I have to do things my way in my own pacing, in my own time. And that's going to come sometimes with a lot of emotion for other people. And I think I've had to challenge myself to stay my own course because I have to go through this at my time to be the best version of myself and the best version of my kids, and then I can come forward and use my voice and help as many people as I can. But I had to really, I learned this skill from my therapist. You know, I've always known that a lot of opinions that come from people

are really for themselves usually things that they need to hear or things that they believe in themselves or insecurities in themselves but it still was reaching me and affecting me really right and i was people's opinions or comments online it was kind of it can be aggressive yeah and it can be a lot and and it can be a lot and it was affecting you it was affecting me in some ways and i was like i know i i know that i have to protect myself and my kids but for some reason i'm still letting it reach me you know and and it's causing me to have more emotions more than i already have and my therapist is like you're almost there but she's like you're more of a visual learner

so she was like i need you to physically wear a mirror when people are saying things to you or when you're reading things online. It's a mirror. So now if there's something that doesn't line up with me and doesn't make sense to me or it's an opinion from someone else, I just put up a mirror. You may say it, but it doesn't mean I have to necessarily take it. And that's been a really big help to me at this time is to actually physically wear that mirror for myself. Wow. Yeah. Because it comes with a lot of weight.

Yes. It comes with a lot of weight, but I don't look at that weight as being something always as a negative. It can. It can be. But it's not always. Right. I almost wear it as a badge of honor. If I can wrangle my emotions and help someone through this and be an example to maybe someone else going through a low that you're going to be okay and we're going to keep dancing through, I will continue to be a public figure and publicly share my life on social media. Even though I'm going to sometimes get opinions, it's like the bigger message is I can help people. So it doesn't outweigh each other. Right. What has been the thing that surprised you the most in a positive way through this experience over the last year? Because that

was kind of the criticism and what people's opinions of what they think you should be doing. That's kind of unfortunate, but what's the positive side that you maybe didn't expect or weren't even aware of? The positive, I've had so many people praying for us and spreading love. That's amazing. I mean, honestly, maybe even that protection I feel, maybe it's all of them praying for me. It's all those prayers our family's receiving from so many, wanting to see us get through this, wanting to see my kids get up every day and go to school and get to their activities. I have so many people cheering for us and wanting to school and get to their activities. Like I have so many people

cheering for us and wanting to see us through this. And so, yes, there's sometimes being a public figure, a negative side, but there's so much positive from it. And I feel it. I can feel them championing for us and cheering for us and rooting for us. And it is strength, you know, it's strength in numbers. And I feel like we can do it. And I have a lot of people who are going through their own grief and trauma reach out to me for support. And I hope to be that for them too. Wow. I mean, it's just amazing watching your journey.

Because, I mean, I lost my dad the same year you lost Twitch, right? Earlier in the year, my dad passed away. And I remember the sadness and the grief that my whole family collectively was going through. Now, he had an accident 17 years prior, a brain injury through a car accident that left him in a coma for many, many months. And he never was able to fully recover. So he just had a lot of health problems and we just never knew when it was going to happen but it was still a really sad time and then the fact of like coordinating what people don't understand is you have to coordinate a lot

we're talking about this beforehand you know coordinating a funeral different emotions heightened experiences money navigating stuff while you're trying to just process like the shock, the grief, the loss, all these things. And I know you had a lot of court and you were like the CEO of so many different things at once. How were you able to navigate so much while grieving and experiencing just so much sadness and uncertainty and questions. I think you're the first person who have ever asked me about this. And I think it's so important to talk about because, you know, we all want to talk about the emotional side of grief and trauma, and it's really important to talk about it and it deserves conversation.

But there was so much I had no idea I was going to be experiencing from finances, from, you know, holding on to these career long lasting relationships and these contracts that were existing, contracts that might have to go away. Are we out of breach? Timelines, timing of things, making sure my kids, are my kids going to go to a different school now? When can they go back to school? What's the timeline in that? Finding the right, correct therapist is really going to help our family through these journeys individually and together. Are we ever going to want to move? There were so many things that,

you know, as I'm trying to grieve, I'm now the solo parent and solo facilitator. When my husband and I, we were partners in everything. We had started so many businesses together and we had started all these beautiful brand partnerships and career relationships and all these things that I now have to go back and reframe, restructure, reconstruct. And I'm so grateful for the team that I had standing at my side. But there are times that they'd be brutally honest. Like, I know, I know you want to go cry, Allison. We got to pull this together and do this right now because I'd already lost everything, gonna pull this together and do this right now because i'd already lost everything but i can't lose all that now for myself and protection of my kids there was a lot of moves that had to be wrangled and made that are you you can't just let go away and so i had to wear so many hats for

myself while also trying to be like i'm available to my kids to grieve in any way they are and all your friends and all his friends are reaching out to you. And it's a lot to navigate. Oh my goodness. And I think people don't realize that that's gonna be a part of it. I certainly didn't know it was gonna be a part of it.

And so I feel like this whole last year was rebuilding everything that we'd worked so hard to had already created and build. Wow. And in some ways, it really helped me to heal. Really? Because you have to go back through everything and just face it all. Oh, my goodness.

You have to face it all. And so for me, it was like my personality, like, let's do it and let's do it now. And this is the hardest time to do it, but okay. You know, let's just see what happens. And I know for myself, my strength is my strength. And I just had to lean into that and just make choices every single day to prioritize my grieving, but then prioritize my business mind. And it's hard and it's complicated, but you just got to do it. It's messy. It's messy and it's never going to be perfect, but you just got to do it. You just got to show up. You've got to show up, you know? And I learned that I can handle a lot and I'm proud of myself for that.

I'm proud that I could do that for myself and my children. And they've been at my side through all of it, you know, and, and my team has been love. I call it my team, but it's my chosen family out here have been at my side of my family. They've just been my rocks and they know it's difficult. They know it's difficult to come to me and be like, okay, I know you're having a really hard day, but like, we need to get on this phone call. Oh man.

We got to get into Zoom meetings, lots of Zoom meetings all the time. We got to make decisions. We got to make decisions. How do you, I mean, for someone who's maybe going through a loss of someone close to them, how can people in their life support them the best way or does everyone just need support differently because i think because i remember like when all this happened i remember thinking to myself how can i support you obviously i wasn't that close with you i had a relationship with twitch but i wasn't as close with you but i was thinking i don't even know

what do you do like how do you help someone? How do you give to someone without overbearing or without, you know, interrupting them too much, giving them space? Like, how does someone navigate supporting someone else going through a tragic moment like this? I honestly still don't know. I wish I had an answer for that. I really genuinely do.

I think it would be an important thing if there could be like a playbook for people. But the truth of the matter is I don't know myself because there's times that people want to help me. I've had so many people want to help me. And there's times I'm like, I don't even know how to have you help me. Right. Because that's also a task at hand too. You just need alone time. You just need to go talk to me. Yeah. Yeah. You know, people don't realize that for me to figure out how you can help me is also another thing for me to figure out. And that's tricky and complicated because sometimes I don't know how I need help. And and so I can be honest in that.

I don't know. But I think if you just give people grace because I don't know how I need help sometimes. So if I can't give you an answer, just be like, okay. And it's interesting because I think sometimes people get offended if you don't ask them for help. So I would say sometimes that person just doesn't know how. It's not just that they don't know how to ask. They quite literally don't know what can help

because we're just figuring ourselves out for the first time, you know? So just grace. Grace is a big word for me now. I don't think I've ever used grace before this last year. And now it's like, just give me grace. Now it's tattooed on your arm. Yes. Now it's going to be all over me all the time. What do you think are the three biggest lessons you've learned through this process then? What do you think are the three biggest lessons you've learned through this process then? About yourself, about life, about, again, we've talked a little bit about your purpose, by what you want to create through dance moving forward.

But what are those three big lessons would you say? My biggest lesson I think I've learned is that every season has an expiration date on both sides. With grief, that will come to a close and you'll be okay on the other side. But then also your good times will also have an expiration date. So learn to be really grateful for those good times. That's been the biggest lesson for me. Let go of control let God and universe do its job and

the last thing I would say I learned was to accept the things that happen to you and then learn to love them the good the bad and the ugly really, and then learn to love them, the good, the bad, and the ugly. Really? You have to learn to love it.

And that's where I've been the last couple of months is I don't have to understand what happened, but I have to learn to love that this is my experience and it's a part of it. And all I can do is move through it to the other side. Because you can't change what happened. I cannot. How has someone learned to love something as tragic as what you experienced? Because I still get to have life. And it's how you choose to look at things. Because with every awful thing, there's

also something beautiful with it. And I have a lot of beautiful times with Steven. And I have so many beautiful memories with him. And I've learned so much from him. There was so much love and joy that my family has learned and experienced and that is the only reason I know this pain but that is something beautiful I had 13 magical years that a lot of people don't get to have I got to have that I got to have that grand love got to have that experience i got to have a life partner that i just still i'm so in awe wow and he deserves that respect and love and so for me that is beautiful and i got to have that and experience it and i get to look back on that and i get to still lead in from that place well you're sharing something to come out for me because my dad got into his accident when i when i was about 22 and i remember thinking he was never really the same person again so i never

really had a relationship with my father like most people would have he just wasn't able to consciously remember things he would um you know every time i'd see him he would kind of have to ask who i was again he had a personality. It's just a different relationship than when I was before his accident. And I remember saying, well, at least I had those, you know, 20 years with him. Yeah. And when most people don't have fathers,

or they don't have a good experience, whatever it might be. So I really, even though it was sad to have 17 years with him alive, where it was like we were disconnected i just kept thinking about all the good that i learned from him and the lessons i got in the moments and the memories so you have 13 years together right what would you say are the three biggest things that that twitch taught you during that time and maybe after that time. He's one of the kindest humans I've ever met in my entire life. The other thing I learned from him is he always wanted everyone to feel seen.

If you were with him, you felt seen. It was magical. And then I'll say, man, he was a beast of a dancer. It was great. I mean, just like, man, the best dancer. I learned so much about dance with him. Really? Just that it's fun, and you can just do whatever you want with it and express yourself, and we just had such a good time on the dance floor.

And he just showed me that I can just have fun. Yeah. I'm curious. What do you think is a thing you wish he would have known, felt, or seen within himself differently? For me, looking back on Steven, I feel his best qualities and why they were his best qualities is because he was trying to find that for himself. Really? I feel like he had a hard time with accepting the love that was coming into him from all sorts of people, such wonderful, lovely people. I think the reason he outpoured so much

is because he felt like he couldn't hold on to it. That's what made him the kindest human. So what made him such a lovely human is that he loved to give it back to everyone. Instead of just holding on to that love just for a little bit longer for yourself, because you deserve that love. You deserve that kindness

just as much as you're putting it out to people. But I feel like he'd receive it and then give it back. And I just wish he could have just let himself feel full. Accept it. You don't always have to pass it on to everyone else. You can hold on to it. You can receive it. You can receive it. You can feel it. You can feel it and sit with it. It's interesting. I was watching an interview with another big celebrity recently where they were talking about, they're very famous, and they were talking about how they never really feel loved. And the praises that come to them, it's hard for them to receive those praises. It's part of the thing that drove this person to be at the top of their game. It's like constantly searching for it

but never being able to receive it i think a lot of people can relate to that feeling of never being able to receive love fully and believe that they're deserving and worthy of love yeah how have you been able to know that you're deserving and worthy of love throughout your whole life. It's complicated because that was something that I feel like I've never looked at myself and said, I love you. Like to myself. And I had a friend recently say, you do all these affirmations. You do all this manifesting. But have you ever just looked at yourself and said, I love you. You're like, I love you. And I

was like, wow, I don't think I've ever just said that. I like, you know, you, like I said, I do all the affirmations, but have I ever just looked in the mirror and said, I love you. I was like, I don't think I've ever done that. So I'm just trying to do that now wow I know and it seems like such an easy concept but like have I ever looked in the mirror and at myself like I love you I was like I don't know what a good question I'm gonna certainly work on that now um so that's something I'm trying to introduce to myself now but I find that um the affirmations, of course, I know we keep bringing that up and talking about it, but that's definitely been a backbone in my life. But the word love, that's interesting to say love to yourself. Did you love yourself growing up or is this a new concept for you?

It's a new concept to think about. I don't think I'd ever thought about do I love myself? Like, oh, I love my kids. I love my husband. I love my friends. I talk so much about that with other people, but have I ever been like, I love myself? I don't know if I'd ever said that or even really thought about it. I mean, there's a narcissistic approach to that.

And then there's an integrated, healthy approach to that i think where it's like i love and accept and appreciate myself for everything i've been through and for who i'm becoming and then there's the everyone look at me look how great i am kind of a narcissistic approach which i don't think is healthy i think there's a healthy healed version of love and acceptance and appreciation and a you know a narcissistic view of like love and acceptance and appreciation and a, you know, a narcissistic view of like, I need more attention. And so it's learning how to navigate that, which I think can be tricky. And I think some of us diminish it because we want to stay humble. And we don't want to say, you know, I love myself, look at me. But I think that's how we are able to navigate

the world better and navigate these emotions. Because you talked about inner dialogue earlier. And I think if our inner dialogue is speaking lack or less love or not worthy of love, then we're going to attract those things. Or if we have a good life and things come to us that are good, we're unable to receive those things. And that's going to feel disconnected as well. So there's going to be something that's challenging us internally or identity if we're unable to believe we're deserving of love from my experience. And yeah, I just, it's, and it's

hard to do. I didn't love myself for a long time and still I, until I started to really look, reflect, heal, forgive, all these different things. And it was a process of learning how to do it. Yeah. Like we weren't taught as kids how to love ourselves, I don't think. And I think you're doing a great job of this with your kids. But growing up, it was just like suck it up and just keep going. Yes.

But it is. It's interesting because like have you ever said to yourself like I love myself? And it is an interesting concept because we should. Like you should want to say that to yourself and believe that because with have you ever have you ever said to yourself like i love myself and it is an interesting concept because because we should like you should want to say that to yourself and believe that because with everything even you just said like you really just attract what you are yeah you know so you're right you have to believe those things and you and really feel that way so i mean but that that is a journey that i'm on i think now and i think it's hard to give something you don't have it's think it's hard to give something you don't have. It's hard to give love, like authentic love,

if you don't feel authentic love for yourself. So it doesn't mean you can't bring inspiring moments and joy and fun and play, but I think it's hard to bring it if you don't have it, if you don't believe it. Speaking on the topic of love, what's the thing you love loved about twitch the most and still love about him today uh the best hugs man man man um it is it really is i i will say it time and time again he he saw people he would see you and that was something i haven't really seen a lot

of people like being able to have that skill of walking in a room and you he could see everyone and i don't just mean like seeing oh like i see you in front of me like i see into your soul he could see you right and it was a beautiful gift that he had because then he would make you feel so good about who you were do you remember what he said about what he loved about you the most was my strength it's actually you know he would write that to me all the time really my and that's like, when I say my strength is my strength, that's what he would say to me. Your strength is your strength. Wow. You know, I interviewed Twitch seven years ago and I think I sent you the interview a while back. I'm not sure if you actually watched it,

but there's a little clip because I asked him what he loved about you the most. And I wanted to show you the clip real quick. Okay. It's a quick little two minute clip. And I asked him what he's loved about you the most. So I'm not sure if the clip real quick. Okay. It's a quick little two-minute clip. And I asked him what he's in love about you the most. So I'm not sure if you've seen this. I thought maybe you already had. I don't know. I don't know. Okay.

So I'm going to pull this up and I'll let you see it. Oh, that's so sweet. Yeah. This was from, I think, seven years ago. Wild. That's crazy. Wild how much time has gone by. So we just took a little two-minute clip out of it,

but I'm going to just play it for you so you can see it. What's the thing that inspires you the most about your wife? Man, okay. So if I had to choose one thing, man, it would be her constant, It would be her constant, constant undying ability to make it work. Like, to make it work. You know?

Two kids. Just to give you back. Husband. Absolutely. Career. And killing it. Just had a child. Just had a child. He's six months now.

Had a child six months ago. And now on Dancing with the Stars. Was just on Dancing with the Stars. Body incredible. Back in it like she never left. Even when she was pregnant with Maddox. I mean, she was still dancing. She filmed the HP commercial that she's now nominated for a World Choreography Award for.

When she was when she was three months pregnant do you know what i mean in a unitard body banging you know what i mean like it's just like but but either way it goes though she's a she has this ability to look at the cards of the dealt and make it work you know i mean she she's she's a she's a very solution driven person rather rather than being like oh oh, how is this affecting me? Oh, I don't know. She's like, okay, what do we got? Okay, this is what we're going to do to make it work.

She goes for the solution, and it's undone. She's not a victim. She's not like, oh, I've got so much to do. How am I going to figure this out? What was me? Ever, ever, ever. Cool, here's a challenge. Let's make it work.

Ever. You know what I mean? She's responsible for her life. Absolutely. That's great. Even her coming out here from Los Angeles. She's from Utah. She made the decision to move out to Los Angeles.

Her and her daughter, Wesley. Wesley was one at the time. And what was going to happen? I mean, she didn't know. But she was like, I'm going to make it happen. And she did. Incredible. It's incredible it's

incredible amazing man absolutely it's pretty cool i don't know you never saw that i've never seen that really yeah yeah i remember asking him about that because when we met i was so inspired i met twitch before i met you a few times yeah and. And then we met and I was just so inspired by connecting with you at the charity event. And so I was just like, I wonder how he really feels about you, what he's really thinking about you. So what opened up for you

when you saw him share that? Yep, I knew exactly what he was going to say. Oh my goodness. Because I'm such a solution-based person. So he's like, he would always come to me like, what do I do? Cause I know if I come to you, you're going to put it in an order. You're going to put it in the day planner. You're going to do a little to-do

list for us and we're going to be able to navigate anything. And so he would say that all the time, that if you have a problem that needs to get solved, you go to Allison. Really? So, and it's just really sweet to see his smile. Yeah, man. That was a cool moment I got to have with him. The thing that came up for me when he was saying that is he talked about, you know, you just, you dance through it all.

And again, the synchronicities of keep dancing through a boss family groove. I want people to get this book. Just really inspiring, positive, uplifting, fun, affirmation, storytelling, beautiful design. I want people to get this book because I think you can have some great conversations with your kids in a fun way, in a lighthearted way that can also help you get through challenging moments in life. Yes. And so I'm excited about this book and for people to get this. What is the, what do you see yourself really stepping into now? This is one of the first times I've seen you use your voice

for this long of a period of time in this conversation. You're doing more conversations. You're sharing your voice more. You've got this book, Keep Dancing Through. I know you have like 17 different TV projects that people want to work on you with. Some things are happening. Some things are in the works. Another book I think you're working on. What's, what's really, you know, what do you see yourself creating over the next couple of years

now? You know, I think I'm kind of an open book to whatever comes my way, if you would. I, for me, I know that my purpose is to help people through their own grief. Wow. I know that this is something that's being called on me to do. And so I must follow where that's leading and trust that that path and those doors will open in the right places so I can help as many people as I can. Because I'm navigating this space for the first time and I know it's really tricky and it's really hard. Um, but I want to support other people through theirs and I want to have those hard conversations and I want to be that person that

can be there for them and hopefully carry them like they've been carrying me so far. Um, and so I feel like for whatever it is in whatever capacity my purpose is to help my purpose is to still lead from love and joy and and yes it's going to be through books and yes it's going to be through tv shows I'm so excited to be back at So You Think You Can Dance I'm going to be a judge this time oh it's been such a wonderful job it's been it's been so lovely to have been a dancer to a choreographer on the show and to now be sitting at the judges table. It's full circle. It's real. It feels like it's my home.

And I'm helping other people in their journeys. And I don't take that lightly. And so for me, I have to trust that my life is being guided. And it is. It's to help others. Wow. What's the help others. Wow. What's the thing you're most proud of that most people wouldn't know about you? Maybe something that's not public or something that people would not assume, but something you're really proud of.

I'm really proud that I started Pickleball. Oh, man. It's been so fun. It's so fun. Listen, I'm about to be like a champion in Pickleball. Let's go. I don't know. Yeah, me and you? I'm not quite ready.

I know you real good. I need a little bit more time. But yeah, so pickleball. We got to start doing tournaments together, all that stuff. No, I think I am trying to open myself up just to try new things. Yes, that's great. You know, so I'm proud of myself for that. I'm proud of myself for, you know, going through all these things,

but also trying to still find fun and adventure adventure i think that's what life's about you know you're gonna experience sadness and loss and you're gonna have to grieve and go through those feelings but also remembering the gift that we have and have as much fun as we can right yes it's a gift yeah and we can choose to stay in emotions that aren't enjoyable that don't create fun and joy for others, or we can try to live the best we can. And I think you're doing a great job. So I acknowledge you for everything that you're doing. It's really inspiring. Keep dancing through. I've got a final, I've got a couple few questions for you left, but again, I want people to get the book, Keep Dancing Through, a boss family groove. Where can they get the book? And how can

we be of best support and service to you? I know you've already mentioned you feel a lot of prayers and positivity from people around the world. People getting this book will be a support to you, but how else can we serve and support you, Allison? Oh, that's really sweet. The book right now, as far as where you can find the book, you can find it Barnes and Noble, Amazon, Targets, really anywhere. It's going to have a lot of reach, which we're really excited about. We want to touch as many people as we can right now through the book. So that's beautiful. And then for my family, I just think kindness. Show a little grace to people. Even if you don't see or understand why they make the choices they do, just have grace.

You never know what people are going through. You never know. And so just have a little bit of grace. I love that. I have two final questions for you. This one is called the three truths. So it's a hypothetical question scenario that I ask everyone towards the end. And, um, you get to imagine that you get to live as long as you want to live.

It'd be as old as you want to be, but it's your final day on earth, hypothetically. And you get to create everything from your purpose from now to the rest of your life. Everything you want to do it call comes true you manifest you affirm you experience everything you want to experience but for whatever reason in this hypothetical question everything you create has to go with you so this book is gone this conversation is no longer here anything you share is gone but you get to leave behind three lessons from your whole life experience, three things you know to be true. And this is all we would have to remember you, Alison, by,

are these three lessons that you would share. What would be those three truths for you? Life is a gift, which is interesting as I always say that. And you had said that earlier. Life is a gift. Show up and start. You know, there's interesting, there's something that I learned the other day. And it was some people stop when things get hard and then some people start when things get hard. Just start. You know, a lot of people get scared of their talents. They're scared of the first day of work, first day of school, first day of love to get into that relationship.

Just start. And then you have to just show up. Because at the end of the day, if you show up, it's just going to, whatever is going to happen is just going to happen. So start and show up. Wow. You know, you just got to do it. I love this. And life is a gift.

Life is a gift. Before I ask the final question, Allison, I want to acknowledge you. Again, I want to acknowledge you for the journey you've been on and how you continue to show up for your life, for your family, your kids, your friends, and most importantly for yourself. Because I think you showing up for you is a great, being a great role model for everyone in your life and anyone watching you publicly. You having your routine of getting the cold plunge and playing pickleball and hanging out with your girlfriends and doing fun activities for you and being there for your kids, I think is an amazing representation of what's possible when people go through tragedy like what you've been through.

So I want to acknowledge you for your joy, your love, your positivity, your kindness to so many people, and most importantly, your grace. Your grace for yourself, your grace for people who've maybe said critical things over the last year, your grace for Twitch, your grace for everyone. So I really acknowledge you for how you've shown up. It's really beautiful. Thank you. I appreciate that. Of course, yeah.

Thank you. I'm sure we could go on for a long time, but I want to be respectful of your time. My final question is, what is your definition of greatness? Definition of greatness? Such a great question um my definition of greatness how do you show up for yourself how do you show up what hard work did you do to make your version of yourself the best? You know, you brought my cold plunging.

It's like there are certain things are non-negotiables for me. I work out almost every single day. I cold plunge almost every single day. I personally like to get in the sauna. So I get in the sauna once a week. They're like these non-negotiables for me to make me the healthiest version, to have the most sound mind. And that to me is what's created my confidence in myself and then it's that dedication it's that commitment to to really bettering who i am so i can show up for the people around me but i can't do that until i've done it

for myself so that all those things that's beautiful. And one more thing came to my mind. One more question. One more question. Hit me with it. Is there anything you wish people would ask you more that they haven't asked you in this last year? Wow, that's big. That's big. The one thing I think I wish people asked more is who are you now? Who are you now with or without that trauma? Who are you just right now? or without that trauma? Who are you just right now? Instead of having this big expectation or this theory or this made up version or all these things, it's just, who are you now?

Yeah. Who are you? inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a rundown of today's show with all the important links. And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me as well as ad-free listening experience, make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel on Apple Podcast. If you enjoyed this, please share it with a friend over on social media or text a friend.

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