The School of Greatness - Break Free from Self-Sabotage & Find Lasting Love TODAY | Marisa Peer

Episode Date: January 19, 2024

Friends, welcome back to The School of Greatness. Today’s guest is Marisa Peer. She is the creator of Rapid Transformational Therapy® (RTT®), which is a neuroscience-based pioneering therapy that potentially offers quick and effective results by combining the most beneficial principles of Psychotherapy, Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT), Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), and Hypnotherapy.In this episode, we discuss the biggest lies we tell ourselves in relationships, what keeps most of us from finding lasting love, what needs to be aligned in our lives for a relationship to work, and so much more. This is going to be powerful for so many of you whether you’re in a relationship or not, and I’m sure you all are going to love this. So sit back, relax, and let the class begin.Buy her book Tell Yourself a Better Lie: Use the power of Rapid Transformational Therapy to edit your story and rewrite your life.In this episode you will learnThe impact of NOT showing your authentic self upfront in a relationship and how it can negatively shape the course of your connection with others.Learn effective strategies to reconnect when you're feeling disconnected in your relationships, fostering deeper connections with the people who matter most.Gain insights into the thoughts and emotions you should embrace while dating someone new, along with the key indicators that will guide you in making decisions about the future of your relationship.The biggest lies we tell ourselves in relationships.The #1 thing keeping most of us from finding lasting love.For more information go to www.lewishowes.com/1563For more Greatness text PODCAST to [phone]More SOG episodes we think you’ll love:Eckhart Tolle – https://link.chtbl.com/1463-podRhonda Byrne – https://link.chtbl.com/1525-podJohn Maxwell – https://link.chtbl.com/1501-pod

Whatever thought you are thinking, your body is very busy making it real. And if you tell yourself a better lie, your body will work very hard to make that thought real. Welcome to the School of Greatness. My name is Lewis Howes, a former pro-athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur. And each week we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin. Welcome to today's special episode. Over the last 1300 plus episodes, there have been so many

impactful interviews that I've been lucky enough to have. And I always like to reflect on some of the most powerful. And this episode was one that resonated with most of you guys in the past and I'm excited for the value it's going to bring you today as well. So I hope you enjoy today's episode. We talked about this before on the show about the lies we tell ourselves and the stories we tell ourselves and a lot of us tell ourselves really bad lies. And you said we need to start telling ourselves better lies I'm curious why do we need to do that and how can that help us start manifesting things in a different way in our lives well you know our greatest pain is from the lies we tell ourselves if you said to someone you're breaking up with I don't love you anymore you're

boring or you're not sexy or I found found someone else, that's very hurtful. But we can go, well, they've got an agenda. We can almost account, my boss said I was terrible, but he's having a bad day. But the lies we tell ourselves, the mind doesn't go, well, you're having a bad day. You have an agenda, it believes they must be true. And the simplicity is, if you are prepared to lie to yourself,

which you clearly are when you go, I'm the size of a house. If I look at a cake, I gain a pound. My kid is making me want to jump out of a window. This freeway would be the death of me. See, none of those things are true. I could eat a horse. We know that can't possibly be true.

But if you're prepared to lie to yourself, why not tell yourself a better lie? Because your mind doesn't know and it really doesn't care if what you tell it is good or bad, true or false. So a simple thing. I got a memory like a sieve. I have an excellent memory. I'm falling apart. I got great coping skills. If I look at a cake, I gain weight. I have a phenomenal metabolic rate. You see, every thought you think you make real. And if you doubt

that, think of this. If you think of something embarrassing, you will blush. If you think of something sad, your eyes will fill up with tears. If you think of food, your stomach rumbles. If you think of something sexy, you can get physically aroused to a thought. So the body makes thoughts real. Whatever thought you are thinking, your body is very busy making it real. And if you tell yourself a better lie, your body will work very hard to make that thought real. Yeah, it's like I can imagine I'm having a pumpkin pie right now. I can imagine the smell of pumpkin and the taste, and I'll start to salivate. My body will start to salivate thinking there's a pumpkin pie in front of me.

Of course. I'm imagining chewing into the crust of the pumpkin pie, the sweetness, and I'll start to feel it in my body. Although there's a lie. There's nothing in front of me right now. Just like there could be, you know, my girlfriend could walk in front of me, but she's not in front of me. And I can feel something. I can imagine and think about it. Yeah. That's why when you read letters, you get tears in your eyes. You look at pictures, you go, oh, I'm remembering that. So every thought you think causes both the physical reaction and an emotional response. So if you think better thoughts, you have to get better emotional

reactions and better responses. What about memories then? What if we have memories that were real in our lives that was like, okay, I used to be overweight or someone did dump me and there was this pain, there was this thing. How do we tell ourself a better lie or story around memories of the past so that it'll keep hurting us today? Well, you know, that's a great question because an event will affect you.

You know what really affects you about an event? The meaning you attach to it. So I could say I wasn't the favorite kid, my sister was the favorite, my brother was the smart kid, my sister was the pretty kid, and I felt like this thing in the middle, this kind of thing. Right. And I can go back and go,

Lost in the middle or something. Yeah, so what does that mean? It means what I've decided to make it mean. I've decided I'm really glad, because it gave me, I'll show you. You want to write me off, but I'll show you. So we can all look back at our past and go, I should have been a girl, should have been a boy,

should have been academic. My parents wanted that. But you know, don't make someone else's story your story. My mother's story, I should have been someone else's baby was always her story. It traumatized her entire life, but it wasn't my story. It was her story. And when people say my mother said, oh, you can't trust your own shadow. Don't trust men. Don't trust people. It's very important to go, well, that's your your story you wanted a boy and i was the third girl you wanted a girl i was the fourth boy but it's insane but that's your story my story is i'm meant to be

here i'm meant to be me i got something to offer the world even if i don't know what it is so the significance of an event is linked to what you make of it. I was given up for adoption, that means I wasn't loved, but it could mean my parents loved me so much, they sacrificed the joy of having me to let someone else raise me, to give me a better life. It's always the meaning that you attach to an event. And the very good news is, you know what, you can change the meaning like that anytime you like.

So even if we've held on to a meaning for 20, 30 years about something, it's still possible to change it later in life? Yeah, and when you go back and meet these people, they go, oh, no, I didn't mean that. I always told you you were rubbish because I thought it would make you smarter. I always told you you were rubbish because i thought it would make you smarter i always told you you were stupid because i hoped it would make you intelligent i told you i didn't love you because i felt inadequate in the amount of fathers i made i never see my kids because i'm useless i would just damage them wow i thought the best thing i could do is to remove myself from their life so their mom would find a better dad. And they really have no concept of how that damages the child. They say

the best thing I could do was be away from you. I was a crazy alcoholic. I didn't want to pass that on. So I left you to benefit you. But the child doesn't hear. The child thinks you left me because I wasn't worth being with. That's the problem. The minute a child feels abandoned, they never blame the abandoner. My dad left because he's crazy, because he's a drunk. They blame themselves. A child never stops loving.

They immediately stop loving themselves. And that's why you're going back and go, okay, so I've been telling myself a lie. My dad left because he didn't love me. My mom brought different boyfriends home every six months because I didn't make her happy. And then you go back and go, oh, but that's not true. My mother loved me very much, but she couldn't cope. She gave me to my grandmother because she thought I'd be better off. So when you go back and revisit the lie and update it, you realize, oh, so what's true is what I decide to be true.

Some guy dumped me. You know, I worked with somebody recently who said that her first experience of her first boyfriend was him saying to her, you're rubbish in bed. and the second boyfriend dumped her because he came from a different country and she could speak his language he couldn't speak hers and he later told her I felt so stupid in front of you so I sent you a note saying don't ever call me again and those two men traumatized her so much as she couldn't have a relationship with her husband who loved her.

But then she went back and said, well, the first guy was an idiot because, by the way, his job was to seduce me. And he did a terrible job. And the second one felt so inadequate around me. You know, I've worked with supermodels who say, men put me down, they're so intimidated by our looks. They go, well, you're not very bright. You've got enormous feet. You know, you're not all that.

And they let it in. Wow. And I worked with a famous model who said, every man I'm with, they start to diminish me because they're intimidated by me. So they start to pick holes in me. And I let them. And it's so important to go back and look at the past and change it. You can change it at any time. Why do we think we let other people and ourselves speak so negatively to us?

We allow other people's words to come in and then we reaffirm those words to ourselves internally. Why do you think we do that so often? You know, it very much depends on what happens in your childhood. Here's the thing about the mind, and it's really vexing. Your mind is hardwired to go back to what it knows. It always wants to return to what's familiar while resisting what is unfamiliar. If you grew up in a house with a lot of praise and parents say, you know, you're a great kid. You've got something to offer the world. You're going to find someone who adores you because you've got so much to offer, you will expect that. Unfortunately, that isn't the norm.

The norm is criticism. And if criticism is familiar, not only do we reject praise, we actually begin to criticize ourselves. We pick up what we know. You know, if you brought up in a house with fast food and vegetables, you don't go, hey, I need vegetables. The mind will always go back to what it recognizes because that's what once kept us alive, what we know.

Like if you have a two-year-old kid, they go, I don't want to eat that, it's got lumps in it. It's the wrong color. I only like pink yogurt in a blue bowl. But what they're really saying is, I don't know that yogurt with lumps in it. And my brain wants what I know, because it keeps us alive.

And that's a fact, the mind likes what's familiar, but here's another fact, you can make anything you like familiar. And one of the biggest things to change your life is to make praise familiar. And it can be very simple praise, I'm a good person. I've got a good heart. I think good thoughts. You know, I find that one of the most powerful things to do in therapy,

and it teaches that a lot in the book, is to think of the words you've always wanted to hear and to start saying them yourself. The words you've always wanted to hear from your parents or siblings. Yeah, from anybody. So you could say, okay, if I had a great partner, what would they say to me? If I had great parents, what would they say? If I had a great boss or amazing friends, and it's not really rocket science, what would a great parent say? They'd go, you're a great kid. Gosh, how lucky am I to be your parent?

What a joy it is to raise you. Wow. And many parents don't. What would a great friend say? I love being your friend. If there was a template for a great friend, you would be it. What would a great partner say?

You're the one. I just love your voice. I love everything about you. You're so smart. What would a great boss say? You are indispensable to this company. So what we do is you go, well, I haven't got that. So we either give it up.

No one's ever going to give me those words i'm going to accept i'll never hear them and we say things i never ask for anything me well what do you then get nothing but i never ask for anything so i don't expect anything i'm in my apartment with my pets i don't ask for anything so we give the need up or we give it away i've got to find someone out there to tell me these things. And that works until there's someone out there gets sick or ill or has their own issues or they move on. But when you decide, hey, I can do that. I can think of what I most want to hear. Say it myself, it may sound silly, but

it's no sillier than saying I'm an idiot I've got rocks for brains everything I touch falls apart that's also silly and deeply harmful so if you decide what you most want to hear and start to go I matter right I'm here for a reason I'm a good person I'm lovable I'm someone's fantasy dream come true because you are. Someone in the world would look at you and go, oh my God, you're my fantasy dream come true. Not everybody, but someone. Someone would go, you know your problem? That kid keeping you up all night, the partner leaving their dirty pants. I love that problem. So silly as it sounds. It's so interesting you say that because my girlfriend, the more we date, I'll bring stuff up and I'll say, we might have like a sensitive conversation. And I'll say, I'm about to tell you something you're not going to like.

Because I'm used to, in the past, saying things that has this terrible reaction in relationships. Or someone can't handle the truth about who I am or things I do or whatever. So I set it up with her. I go, I'm about to say something you're really not going to like. And yeah. So I'm just letting you know, you're not going to like this. But I'm going to be true and authentic to me. And not walk on eggshells and not be afraid to communicate who I am. And I'll say the thing and she goes,

that's it? She goes, I thought it was going to be something horrible but I love that thing about you. Isn't that nice? And you're like, really? So there's always someone who likes that thing about you. Yeah, there's someone who loves your little fatty tummy, who loves your triple thigh.

I remember one of my friends saying, I saw my wife and he said her thighs are rubbing together. It was the sexiest thing I'd ever seen in my life. He said, I was walking behind her in a store and I had to get in there because he said that was just so sexy. You think, really? I thought we wanted a thigh gap, but we're all different. But it really helps to think that you've got something

to offer somebody, but the minute you start to say, I matter, I'm a good person, I'm smart, I can contribute something amazing to my company, if you keep saying it, you see, when you give it up, you accept it's never gonna happen, and that's such a shame, because it could, but when you give it away, you've given's never going to happen. And that's such a shame because it could. But when you give it away, you've given someone else a job of meeting your needs.

When you say, hey, what do I need? I need to feel loved. So as silly as it sounds, going, well, I am lovable. Someone's going to love me. I've got all the qualities that somebody will find deeply lovable. When you say it, it makes such an impact on your sense of self that people do pick that up.

You know, we all know that annoying thing, you can't find a date, and then suddenly you find someone and then you get hit on. You think, wow, well, how did that happen? Because you're now resonating the feet. When someone says, I rang just to hear your voice. I just look at your picture. I call your phone just to listen to your message.

You think, oh, someone loves me. I must be lovable. But if you can put that into yourself, it lasts forever. How do we put that in ourselves when we've never been familiar with those thoughts and that routine of loving ourselves. One of the things I put in the book, which was so important, was something called installing your own cheerleaders. You see, a cheerleader only knows how to bang cymbals. Even when you're losing,

when a team loses, their cheerleaders go, oh, you were rubbish. Oh my God, you stank up. But they say, hey, you tried really hard and you were amazing and you'll win next time. You know, we just did something in England where we put this into schools. We had 500 schools sign up and each class actually created the cheerleader. We actually made little toys of the cheerleader they designed.

And we were showing them how to go from I can't to I can in just five days by having a cheerleader that says, you've got this. Your name is all over this. No one can do this better than you. And so the cheerleader is your voice saying, you can do this. And you know what? It doesn't matter if you win.

It matters that you loved competing. You did great. You did amazing. And the cheerleader will cheer you on academically, but it cheerleads who you are. And we have a critical voice going, oh, you're gonna mess that up. That's never going to work.

Why would you even think that could happen? No one from our family's ever had their own business. You haven't got anything to offer here. And the cheerleader flips on its head and says, you can do it, you can do it. And we've had such a great response from those 500 schools who said that bullying stopped, children are getting better. They're getting better with each other too. And so we should all have a cheerleader.

So it's very important I put the download in that book where all you have to do is download it and play it. And it makes you feel good because you know, when you're a kid at school and you're running a race and someone is cheering you on going, you can do it. You've got this. It may be your friend. It may be a parent. When you're going for a job and your friends go, hey, I know you can do this. But when you can say it, you don't think, oh, who can I call now to be my cheerleader? Being your own cheerleader is amazing

because if you look at people who make it, someone like Tony Robbins, they definitely have a cheerleader going, hey, you can do this. Going for a big interview, well, you can do it, thinking a big thought, they go, well, why not? Of course I can do it. There's going to be a lot of people that are going to criticize you externally.

A lot of people aren't going to be your cheerleader. Hopefully some will, and hopefully at different times of life, people will be cheering you on. But there will be definitely seasons where people will criticize and try to pull you down in negative ways, whether it's negative reviews online or to your face,

or if you're an athlete, you go into the opposing arena, they're all booing you. You've got to have some type of cheerleader in your mind in order to take that on. Yeah, because the most important words you will ever hear in your entire life are the words you say to yourself. And when you have a cheerleader, you understand the truth. There is nothing that will change your life

more than letting in praise, but not letting in destructive criticism. Constructive criticism is okay. Hey, I just want to tell you, you're always late, and if only you could be here on time, it would make our life so much better. You could say to your partner, look, I love you dearly,

but every time I come downstairs and there's like coffee all over the counter and could you just rinse out the sink? That's okay. But if you can get into the habit of letting in your own praise and other people's while deflecting criticism, it's such a game changer. In my years of being a therapist,

I've seen over and over again, I just get people to let in praise and not let in criticism. It changes their entire life. Why is it challenging for people to let in praise and to receive it? Especially today, I feel like when someone acknowledges someone else, they kind of deflect it. They say, well, you know, I wasn't that good. Don't mention it. Yeah, or I wasn't that good. Yeah. Why is it so challenging for us to receive acknowledgement and praise and do it in a humble way and not a I know I'm the best and look the best and the prettiest in the world type of way?

You know, it isn't normal. If you say to a little kid, you look so cute, they smile. And if you say to a little child, wow, you're a smart kid, they don't go, no, I'm actually really stupid. You should see the other kids in my class, they're way better than me. They let it in. We teach people that it's not okay.

Don't get ahead of yourself. Don't be big headed. Don't show off. Who do you think you are? People won't like you if you're better than them. Don't ever tell anyone what you've got. And so we learn, oh, it's not okay. And if we get criticized a lot, it becomes so familiar that we actually let that in.

And the praise is so unfamiliar that we reject it. So we find ourselves saying, oh, I wasn't really any good. I just was winging it. It's like even in that Spanish expression, no nada, don't mention it. I go, no, you should really mention it. When you do a great job and people say, well done, you should go, thank you so much.

I'm so glad you love my book. I love writing it. I wrote it for someone like you. Don't go, oh, it's terrible. Didn't you notice all the spelling mistakes and it's not formatted very well. It's like if someone gave you a gift and't go, oh, it's terrible. Didn't you notice all the spelling mistakes and it's not formatted very well. It's like if someone gave you a gift and you go, oh, I hate that gift. And if I gave you that cup as a gift, you go, I hate it.

It's a horrible color. I don't like the writing. So see praise as a gift that you wouldn't go, I hate this gift. Why did you think I'd even like it? And just learn to say thank you. I've had so many clients just getting them to accept praise and saying look you can make it familiar in fact I was teaching a course in London and this girl came up and she was very sad and so we did a session and it was

really interesting what had happened to her and at the end I said you know I'm going to get the whole audience to come up and give you a hug. She went, oh, no, no, that's very hard. I said, you know, it's not hard. It's unfamiliar, but you can make it familiar. Halfway through, she said, Marissa, the cameraman's not in the line. I said, get in line.

He was very good looking. I said, you see how quickly you made that familiar? Being praised, being held, believing you are worthy of love. You have a choice. You know, you always have a choice. Rationalize why you can't have it or talk yourself into having it

and always make the second choice. I can make this familiar. When I dated my husband, I had a choice. I'm gonna make a different kind of person familiar because I knew he was such a good person and a kind person and a kind person and a funny person. And what were you familiar with before that? Well, you know, I was very, I was a head teacher's daughter. You might call it a principal's daughter. So my dad was very

interested in other people's children. He was paid to be interested in other people's children. He would give them all his time. He was at a hanky ready. He was a really good guy, but he wasn't really interested in us because it was much harder work with us. And so my thing was, you got to work really hard to get someone's attention. And that's very common with people. I've got to earn love, chase love,

work so hard for love. And that's not true. Love isn't to be earned or chased or run after or paid for. It's just there. So I had to give up that belief that I got to earn love. So of course I liked men who made me work. They always had jobs or existing families and some terrible breakup and traumatized children.

And because of that, I couldn't possibly, the top of the list, you can't expect a father with three little babies to put you first. But then I realized, oh, this I'm just making. And then actually it was when I was dating someone who said to me, I won't allow you to eat that. I'm like, when did you become a head teacher? And that was a penny drop.

Wow, my dad is a teacher. Here am I with this person who I can't eat. And I stopped dating him overnight. It was very confusing for him, but not for me, because I thought, oh, I'm dating my dad. And, of course, I could never have sex in the game when I had that realization, because it's like, wow, that's not very healthy.

But I was so glad he did that, told me what I couldn't eat. And he wasn't trying to control me. again when I had that realization because it's like wow that's not that's not very healthy but I was so glad he did that told me what I couldn't eat and it wasn't he wasn't trying to control he we're going out for dinner he said you don't need to eat that we're going out in two hours to this big he was a big foodie I won't allow it and that was for me the penny drop oh I won't allow dating people like my dad and trying to make them give me all their attention and life is way too short to find someone like your parent and change the ending you got to find the person who changed the beginning so I realized what I was doing is recreating what I knew someone absent

very preoccupied with their career and I was trying to change the ending. And when I got that realization, I thought, well, I just changed the beginning. I find someone warm and available who'll put me first. It doesn't happen like that. You have to pay attention to the old habit of going back to what you know. So I could say, if I was a woman

who had a cold, absent, critical father, I'm in a bar, I meet a cold, absent, critical, I think, oh, just clicked like that. I felt like I'd known them my whole life. It's because their behavior is so familiar. You want to run towards it when really you need to run away from it and go cold, absent, critical.

How about warm, kind, friendly, loving, putting you first, decide? And it's a choice. I'm going to make that familiar, a good guy, a kind guy, someone who will put me first. And once you make the decision and you remind yourself of it, it becomes familiar because while our mind likes what is familiar, that is a fact,

we can choose what to make familiar and indeed choose to go, well, no. So when people say he was too good for me, what they're really saying is his behavior was so unfamiliar. I didn't recognize it. I ran back to what I knew. But you have to run away from what you know. It's also like saying, well, this is comfortable. Why don't I make it uncomfortable?

And I make what's uncomfortable comfortable sitting with it until it's familiar. It's familiar. I want to get to that more a little later about the relationship stuff because I have a lot to share on that, things I've learned this year. But I'm curious on the thoughts and the lies and manifesting. I'm curious if you think we're able to manifest anything we want, a good relationship, the career, or a new business, or financial abundance, if we are stuck in a negative thought routine. Is it possible to manifest and accomplish what we want in a negative thought routine? Is it possible to manifest and accomplish what we want in a negative thought

routine? No, you can't manifest when you are negative. I want money, but when you have money, you never know who your friends are. I want to be really sexy, but I don't want all that unwanted attention. I want a great job, but I'll never see my kids. I'll be a terrible parent. The mind is going to get into one lane. Here's one lane that says, I want to be a terrible parent the mind is going to get into one lane here's one lane that says I want to be a great parent but another is I want to have a great career and I can't go into both lanes well that but after you can put that lane one I could have a great career and be a great when it takes work it takes balance but it's very very. The problem is the mind is like a missile.

It wants to go there, but it keeps going there if it doesn't really know what you want. I want love, but it would kill me to be rejected. I want success, but am I really gonna give up all the things I love to be successful? So you've got to really identify what you want to manifest anything you have to be successful. So you've got to really identify what you want to manifest anything, you have to want it.

And I think people have got very confused. They go, I sit on the chair and manifest a great guy. Well, unless that's the Amazon delivery guy, that's just not gonna work. I want a great body, but I'm not gonna do anything. So to be a manifest, you have to do three things and you have to do all three. The first is the easy one, or maybe not easy.

You have to decide you are worth it. I'm worthy of love. I'm worthy of a phenomenal relationship. I'm worthy of success. Even I'm worthy of wealth or health, I'm worth it. And that probably is at least 80% of manifesting. And many people manifest with a thought, not really worthy. Really?

I'm gonna find love, but they're gonna leave me. I'm gonna find wealth, but I don't know how I'm gonna keep it. I'm gonna have a great job, but it's gonna kill me working those hours. So your first thought must be, I'm worth it. But then there's a second part, which is what does it look like?

And maybe it's I'm gonna be a millionaire. For what? I don't know. I want a great person. What are they like? I don't know. They got a nice six pack and drive a nice car. So the second part is you must really know

what does it look like? If you don't know what it looks like, how are you going to go after it? The mind will go after something it is clear about. So you might say, I want a really flat stomach. What does that look like? Well, it looks like not eating so many carbs, not eating late at night, going to the gym.

If you know what it looks like, and you believe you're worth it, you'll have it. But then the third part is after you've decided you're worth it and you know what it looks like, what are you going to do? Because if you really want a six pack, you might have to do 300 sit ups a day. And if you're not prepared to do that, you don't want it enough. So I could say I wanted to write a book. Did I feel I was worth it? Yeah, I had to work on it. I got a message and I think I can, people tell me I really help them. They tell me I changed their lives.

So I'm worth putting that in a book. What does it look like? Well, it looks like I'm going to have to, what is this book? What's it going to be about? What's the story like? What am I going to call it? Who is my audience? Am I going to write what I want to write or what people want to hear? So I had to know who is my market. And then here's the third part. I've got to sit down and write that book. And it takes a long time to write a book. And when you've written it, it takes even longer, as you know, to do all the press, all the pieces for magazines. So you can't have one of the two or two of the two. And let's say I want love. I've got to believe I'm really worthy of love.

I've got to really nail it. And I am worthy of love. I deserve to love someone who loves me back. What does that look like? I better get a clear idea of the kind of person I want in my life. And then when I look at it, where am I going to find it? I'm not going to find it watching Netflix. A lot of people say, yeah, I go to yoga, but there's no men in yoga.

I go to women's reading groups. Where's the guy? You know, you have to go to the weight room. And the same thing with guys. You know, you're not going to find someone in a bar but you might find them dog walking you might find them in an it class so you have to be very clear about i'm worth it i know what it looks like and what am i going to do to get it because i think so many people think manifesting is thinking about what you want and sitting on the couch and it's going to turn up,

but you have to get out of the house. If you believe you are lovable and know the kind of person you want and put yourself in front of them, you'll probably go home with them for good, but you can't just do one of the two, two of the two, you've got to do all three. Yeah. And one of the things I love to do with the action steps, it can seem like if you're trying to lose 50 or a action steps, it can seem like if you're trying to lose 50 or a hundred pounds, it can seem like, man, I have to work this hard for a year in order to accomplish this. And you just did a hard workout for the first week and you're exhausted. You're like, I don't know how I'm going to be able to do this. I think if you just really

think I just have to do this one day, I just got to show up today and I'm going to do this seven days in a row and celebrate the week and then do week and over time that's gonna really start paying off what do you think about I love the idea of deciding you're worth it and having what you're worth having what you want and that you're worthy of what you want hmm if you haven't learned to heal whatever is a past trauma in your life are you gonna be able to fully manifest without healing as well or is deciding you're worth it start the healing process see if you think you're not worth it you'll get rid of it I mean I worked you probably know that 70 percent of lottery winners are

bankrupt in three years why because they don't feel they're worth it they didn't work for it they didn't have I'm worth it. They didn't work for it. They didn't have, I'm worth this money. What does it look like to have all this money? What could I do with it that's so good? They just think, wow, I got all this money. And what's familiar if you just have a job that doesn't pay a lot is spending the money until it runs out and then next week you get more. And so if you don't feel you're worth it, self-sabotage, procrastination, and nothing more than a fear of not being enough, and so you stop yourself getting there.

So if you believe you're not worth it, and you find love, you find money, you find wealth, you'll get rid of it. And we see that with Amy Winehouse, with Whitney Houston. We see it over and over again. We saw it with George Michael. I always think of him every Christmas because he had so much except the belief, I'm worth it.

And so if you don't do step one first, which is just decide every day, I'm worth love. I deserve love. I'm worthy of love. Because after all, how'm worth love. I deserve love. I'm worthy of love. Because after all, how could you not be worthy of love? Everyone is worthy of love. So if you don't do that bit and you just do the other two, what does it look like?

I'll go and get it. It's never going to feel enough. But you'll get rid of it. We see people all the time who say, I know what's wrong with me. I remember Sandra Bullock's husband saying, what did I do? I had this beautiful girl and I messed it up. Well, of course you messed it up because you never felt you were worthy of it in the first place. So everything else you're going to do to get what you want, if you don't do the first step first, wire in that you're worthy,

you'll spend a lot of time getting rid of it, ruining it, destroying it, acting out, sabotaging yourself. Are we able to believe we're worthy if we haven't started to heal though? Is it, you know, can we just say, okay, I'm worthy even though my parents abandoned me and I've, you know, lost every relationship I've been in. You know, how do we bridge the gap from starting to tell ourselves a better lie, knowing we're worthy and healing? You know, that's such a great question because you have, and often in the book, I invite you to go back to imagine any little baby that's just been born. They never go, don't look at me. I've got milk spots. I've got these triple

thighs. I've got a huge tummy. I haven't got any clothes on. You know, when I had a baby and I take her out in the store, we would come and look at her and she'd smile her big gummy smile and kick her little legs with her triple knees. And it never occurred to me that she wasn't the most gorgeous thing in the world. You know, when you go, I remember that picture of you with your cat, you just got it on your chest going, oh, Lewis, you just want to love me because I'm lovable. So the good news is every person is born believing they're lovable. We know we're lovable as a child because we demand attention, we demand feeding. You know, you can take in a random pet, but it will come up and

wrap its legs around you when it wants to be fed. It doesn't run behind the fridge and never comes out because it believes it's worthy so the good news is you are born certain that you are lovable convinced you're lovable and then it gets chipped away and then you begin to buy i'm not worthy i don't have a great education i don't have a six-pack i'm not a 10 i come from a fact i never had a dad. My mom was always drinking. And now you're justifying why you're not lovable. But the thing is, you need to go right back to the beginning. You were born certain that you were lovable.

So you have to reactivate what's in you that's become buried. But you do have to heal it. And I think we think, oh, healing is so long. What does that involve? I've got to play this meditation tape every day and spend hours massaging my own body or looking in the mirror. And actually, healing is actually making a decision

to think better thoughts. No matter where you are in your life, thought comes first. Your thoughts create your feelings, which create your actions, which create your behaviors. And even your belief is nothing more than a thought you think a lot. And I think we think it's, oh, I've got to change all this. Can you say that one more time? Thoughts?

Thoughts always come first. Your thoughts create your feelings. Your feelings create your behaviors and your actions, which you justify, they go, it's like a loop. I think I'm not worthy of love. And that makes me feel very sad and defeated and probably angry and resentful. And if I think that thought and feel that feeling,

now I act out, I'm difficult, or maybe I'm very needy or very pleasing, but I justify it because I've gone back to the thought, I'm difficult, or maybe I'm very needy or very pleasing, but I justify it because I've gone back to the thought, I'm not lovable. But if I change the thought, I'm lovable. Of course, I'm lovable, even if I don't believe it. If I keep thinking the thought, well, I feel very different. I feel optimistic. I feel reassured. I feel quite confident. I feel certain someone's going to love me. And now I behave differently. I take risks. I look people in the confident. I feel certain someone's gonna love me. And now I behave differently. I take risks.

I look people in the eye, I speak to them. My actions are different and I justify them by going back to the thought, I'm lovable. So we're so busy changing the behaviors and the actions and the feelings when all you have to change is the thought. It's hard to heal what you don't understand. But healing is just saying, I came from a crazy family.

I came from a place with no money. I didn't get a great college degree. However, I am worthy of everything I want. I can have everything I want with bells on. So if you just change the thought, which always comes first, everything else will take care of itself. And you know, you own your thoughts.

You have every right to change. And we think a thought, and then we start to make that thought. Then we have this confirmation bias. If I think dogs are horrible, yappy creatures that attack you, if I think that thought, I feel anxious around dogs and you can believe the dog is going to pick up my anxiety and it's going to be yappy. Yeah. And it doesn't like me. And now I've got confirmation. You see, I told you dogs

are yappy, snappy, bitey things. Look what just happened. Babies don't like me. If I hold them, they go rigid. I always get dumped. Everything goes wrong. I can never keep a job for more than six months. When you think that thought and you believe that thought, you begin to look for a confirmation bias of how that thought is real. The confirmation bias can be very good.

I think I'm lovable. Yeah. And I'm going to look for, yeah, well, my grandmother loved me. My first boyfriend said I was amazing. My teacher said something good. So you have to make confirmation bias work. Think a better thought. Start looking for examples of how it's true because whatever you look for, you will find. Whatever you look for. You move towards what you already believe, you get more of what you already believe. So you've got to think a thought and then start looking for proof.

And even if you can find hardly any, it doesn't matter. Still do it and then it becomes true. What about people that say, well, how do I know my thoughts come from me? How do I know they're not coming from somewhere else? But it doesn't matter where they come from. That's not important. What's important is let's change them.

So if your thoughts are coming at you or coming from you and they were negative, it doesn't matter where they come from, it only matters you think, I'm not gonna think this thought. You know, you can choose to be negative or positive, but you can't choose what it does to your body when you think negative thoughts. What does it do to your body when you think negative?

Well, it creates a lot of cortisol, which creates inflammation, which is a precursor to many diseases. It makes you anxious. It makes you suffer with things like insomnia. It affects your digestion. It can even affect your metabolism. It affects your ability to have joy and happiness on the planet. So your thoughts are yours to change. And yes, you can pick up other people's thoughts. You know, I've often gone back to London, got in a cab, they go, oh, this country's a write-off. Look at the weather. And I just, so I've got to take a

call. And I just shut the intercom because I think, I don't want to let that in. I can't let in negative thoughts. I mean, they're around me. And sometimes I'll be in a position where I'm hearing really negative. I can't hear that, I can't let that in. It's fascinating because my dad used to, one of our first episode we ever did, I think the title was, Your Thoughts Will Heal You or Kill You. And it was one of our most popular episodes.

I recommend people go listen to it or watch it. And I think I might've told you then that my dad would always turn the commercials off when there would be some type of drug campaign or if you're feeling sick, you need to buy this. He would always mute or turn the channel, constantly turning the channel because he was like, I don't want your mind to be consumed with these negative thoughts. And it's something I've practiced most of my life. I mean, I'm not perfect, but I don't watch the news still today. Yeah. I don't either.

In the beginning of the pandemic, I remember watching it for like a month because just like everything was happening. And I just said, why am I consuming this? I can get information and be educated on what's actually happening in the world and be aware and be cautious of what I need to be cautious of. But the constant rumination of these negative thoughts are not supporting my mind. They're not supporting my body and they're not supporting my actions. If I'm going to be living in a fear, fear-based state of mind and behavior. So I said, okay, I want to be educated and informed. So I'll get the updated information, but I'm not going to get it in this hysterical storytelling, you know, mass media of the worst of the worst. I'm going to get it written down of here's the data, here's the facts, be aware, be cautious, but not allow

these thoughts to be consumed inside of me. And I think that's really helped me over these last two years, just stay focused on how can I take care of myself how can I show up in a loving way you know how can I continue to serve my my team my community my my audience and not be crippled by these thoughts yeah and it's it's been a you know a great practice that I had as a child that's helped me now as an adult. But I see so many people consumed by these, the media in the negative way, or taking it in too much, and then holding on to that fear. Yeah. And it's funny, because when COVID hit, I was in England, just moving to America. And I remember thinking, oh, I don't have any medicine in America. And I thought, and I went to buy some and everything had sold out.

And I thought, well, what am I doing? If I buy all this medicine? Am I planning to buy some and everything had sold out. And I thought, well, what am I doing if I buy all this medicine? Am I planning to get ill? And I had a real dilemma. Shall I buy all this stuff and ship it out to America? If I'm buying all this stuff, all these cold remedies, am I planning to get cold? Eventually I thought, you know what, I'm going to buy them for other people. I'm going to buy them for when I have visitors in my house. They need a bit of Lemsip, but I don't need it. And sometimes you have to really

stop and think, you know, what am I doing? I'm buying antacids. I'm buying anti-sickness stuff to go on the plane. I'm carrying pepper spray or bear spray on my key ring. What am I doing here? Am I planning to get attacked? And I think it's okay to have that on your key ring. Be prepared. But don't expect, oh, I need this. Something terrible is going to happen. You know, I lock my door and I don't put on an alarm,

but I don't stress about it too much. But you are right. We sometimes think the most, I'm going to get sick. It's flu season. It's allergy season. It's hay get sick. It's flu season, it's allergy season, it's hay fever season, it's headache season. I know when I have a kid, it will scream all night. I know when I have a kid, I get really fat

and you never get rid of the weight. I know when I meet someone, it's not going to work. We really have to remember, you have the power to make that thought real. But guess what? You also have the power to reverse it. This relationship is going to last forever. I'm going to be a great mom.

I've got a great immune system. My body deals with germs every single day. So it really is a choice to just look at your thoughts, update them the way you update your software, upgrade them. But so many of us don't even know what we're thinking. I need coffee to cope. I need caffeine to get up in the morning. I need pills to go to sleep at night.

Well, actually you don't, but if you think that thought, you're gonna confirm it and make it real. Sleep will come to you wherever you are your body will cope very well without caffeine you're not going to gain a pound looking at pizza and you do know what full is and you can stop eating but so many of us have been so influenced by the media you know in america every third advert is for drugs, for medicine, because it's saying you need this. And the same thing for Happy Meals, you need this. No, you don't need any of that. You need to think better thoughts. Well, what about people with low self-esteem or low confidence? Where do you think that the root

of that comes from? And how can we start to overcome that self-doubt, low self-esteem, low confidence? Yeah, well, again, I've never met a baby that was born with low self-esteem. No baby says, I'm just not going to try to crawl. It's too difficult. I can't get that food in my mouth. I'll give up. I can't quite hit the toilet. I just stop bothering. So the good thing about that is you were not born with it. Even if you had a horrible beginning and your parents gave you up for adoption and didn't want you. You know, one of my friends went to Russia to get a little boy and he said it was so funny. So I walked to the office, he ran up and he clung to my legs. And he said, and when we left, I said, say goodbye. And he just looked at

me and said, I'm not looking back. Even as a baby, he knew. And when I picked him up to leave, when I got the adoption, he wouldn't look back. He wouldn't wave. He's like, I'm going that way with you. And that's all behind me now. And he's an amazing kid, the boy he adopted, because he had a sense of, you know, where he is. And he said one day, I said, I'm so glad I found you.

He said, yeah, I'm glad we found each other. So he's already got that sense of we found each other. I found you, but you also found me and we helped each other. So with self-esteem, there is nothing on the planet that will build that faster than your own praise. We often think, well, I need to lose 10 pounds, get a six pack, update my wardrobe. It's like that Bruce Springsteen, I want to lose 10 pounds, get a six pack, update my wardrobe. It's like that Bruce Springsteen, I want to change my face, my thoughts, my job.

Do you remember that song by Bruce? You want to change your thoughts. That's all you ever need to change. And the thing that will raise and build your self-esteem is praise. There is nothing, no shoes, no cookies, no candy, no sex, no drugs, no alcohol, nothing that will build your self-esteem like praise. And if you knew that to be true, and it is true,

then all you have to do is practice saying, I like myself, I'm a good person. I've got something to offer the world. I'm kind, I'm nice, I'm fascinating, I'm interesting, I'm compelling. You can make it as dramatic as you like. I'm magnetically lovable, or just, I've got a good heart. I'm an interesting person.

People like me. So if you knew that the one thing that could build your praise was free, was immediate, and was in you, why wouldn't you use it? And I talk a lot in the book about exactly how to do that. Again, the cheerleader, the self-confidence. People get very confused with,

I don't even know, what is self-love? Is that rubbing cream on myself, having a little sex aid? What is self-love? No, it's not that. It's looking in the mirror and saying, I'm nice. And the way to know if you love yourself, it's really three things. And the big one is, how do you talk to you?

Do you say, I'm an idiot, I've got rocks for brains, look at the state of me, I knew I'd mess that up. Self-love is being kind. So the way you talk to yourself, the way you dialogue with you is the big key to self-love. So if someone said to me, oh my God, you messed that up, you idiot. I go, no, I made a mistake, but I learned from it. If someone said to me, oh yeah, I hate that book. I say, well, let me give you your money back.

I'm sorry you didn't like it. I think it's a great book, but I'm happy to refund you because I'm not going to let them make me believe. So I'm saying, I hate your book. Oh, my God, they hated my book. I go, well, they didn't like it. I like it. So I will always talk to myself well, almost all the time.

You don't have to do it 100%. 90% is as good. The second way of knowing how you love yourself is how do you treat yourself? Do you eat well? Do you hydrate? Do you get some people, do you lie on the sofa eating potato chips, staying up all night watching Netflix and knowing you're going to get up at eight and you're still watching something at 4am because that's not love. People say to me, I love food. I'm like, no. Loving pizza and beer is not love, it's abuse.

Punishing workouts, that's not love, that's abuse. Starving yourself and eating celery juice or drinking Diet Coke, that's not love, it's abuse. And the only way to have a body you love is to actually start by loving the one you have so love is do i really want to eat donuts and pop tarts and soda first thing in the morning would i give that to a baby would i give that to my pet so how do you talk to yourself first how do you treat yourself second and once you get into into, oh, I'm going to love myself,

you won't eat donuts for breakfast and lots and lots of takeouts for dinner because you'll think that's not love, it's abuse. The whole dieting industry is based on abuse. Hate your body so much that you starve it, make it do the plank when you're not in the mood, force it to go running in the rain, and then go, I hate my legs.

I hate my stomach. And then the third part is how do you let other people treat you? Ooh, that's a big one. Do you let them put you down? Do you lend them money when you can't afford it? Do you go out of your way to give them a lift? Are you a real people pleaser? If you get the first one right, the other two will click into place anyway.

But again, you're back into that, I'm trying to buy your love. I'm trying to earn your affection. I'm trying to make you like me. And people like you when you like you enough to say, oh, this doesn't suit me. No, I can't have your kids all weekend while you go to Burning Man. It just isn't convenient. And the other thing about it is don't keep saying sorry. Sorry I'm late.

Sorry I'm sick. Say thank you. Thank you for waiting for me. Thanks for being such a great friend. Thanks for helping me out. Sorry I'm such a burden. I'm sorry. I know I'm a pain.

So when you get to understand what self-love looks like and I Dialogue on the surf very nicely. I treat myself on the whole with I can have pizza and ice cream But I don't need to have four tubs because I'm practicing self-love. I love a bit of cake, but I don't need the whole cake Yeah, and now that I love myself when you say something something mean, I can go, oh, I'm not going to let that in. That's not very loving. And it all sounds hard. It's actually incredibly easy. When we are people pleasers and we let other people do things that necessarily we don't want to do, we end up doing it because we don't want to let someone down or we don't want someone upset at us. And then we resent that we did the thing yeah what is this thing about us when we are people pleasing you're

putting yourself last and everyone else first and it doesn't mean you should put yourself first but you should not put yourself last i mean it's fine if you want to drive to the airport and pick someone up at 4 a.m because you love them's perfectly okay. It's fine to lend someone money, to lend someone your car, but if you're doing it to make them like you, you don't really want to do it, you put them first and you last. And it really helps to go, okay, is this love or abuse? I'm lending people my stuff when I can't afford to. I'm giving people my things. I'm giving them my time, my money, my energy when I haven't got it to give. So that's not love. It's abuse. And if you can look at things, is that love or abuse? And always come at love, it becomes much, much easier to get it right. Yeah. In the book, there's a chapter in here

where you're talking about how some people will trade one negative addiction for a more socially acceptable positive addiction. They'll stop drinking alcohol, but then they're having 10 Cokes a day or something. They'll stop doing something else unhealthy, but then they'll be working out three hours in the gym you talk about a day. house unhealthy, but then they'll be working out three hours in the gym, you talk about a day, and they trade one negative addiction for a different addiction, which seems to be more positive, but is also abusive in its own way. Why do certain people trade one addiction for another? And how could they actually sit with the time and the energy and the conversations, the thoughts of the anxiety or the stress that they're having and just not be addicted anymore. Well, again, you've got to go back to that ladder of looping thoughts. What's the thought that runs an addiction? It's always

the same. I'm not enough. I'm not enough is going to be behind every addiction. Because if you're not enough, guess what you need more? I need more food, more alcohol, more drugs, more sex, more shopping, more Netflix. And many, many addicts try to change the behavior. I'm not going to go to the bar. I'm not going to go to the ice cream shop. I'm going to avoid that situation. So I'm trying to change the behavior, but you have to go back and change the thought. And there's someone called Ryan in the book.

I think it's the second chapter. And that is a classic story of alcoholism. Ryan, bless his heart, because he's a lovely person, was an addict, alcohol and drugs, was also addicted to people that hurt him in relationships. And he'd been to rehab over and over again to change the behavior. And by the way, in rehab, they have cupboards full of candy. Don't drink, eat chocolate, eat more chocolate,

eat more stuff because they're just switching one addiction for another. And many ex-addicts, I'm addicted to food, I'm addicted to shopping, I'm addicted to praise. And because you're still treating the behavior, the thought creates the feeling that creates the behavior. I've worked with thousands and thousands of addicts. I've never met one ever who ever felt they're enough.

And when you go back to that, whenever you think you're not enough, you will need more of something. When you know you are enough, you don't need cake. After all, one donut might be okay. Why would you want six? Why would you need three pizzas followed by a beer? Why would you need a whole bottle of wine if one could make you feel good if one purse or pair of shoes could make you feel good why have you got a closet full of them clearly it isn't working but with addiction if you try to treat the behavior and only the behavior you just swap behaviors so we have to go back to the thought you have to go back to the thought, thought comes before behaviors. Thought causes actions.

If you just change the thought, I worked with many alcoholics who stopped drinking, like Ryan, in one session. Because he went back to look at the thought and said, well, let's change that. And many people say, no, it's amazing. I stopped drinking, stopped binging, stopped using because I suddenly realized, oh, it was a thought I was thinking that caused me so much pain. And the thought wasn't even true. addicted for 20 years and you've kind of had this emotional, I guess, trauma trapped in your body and in your mind on a repeat for decades. Is it possible to change it that quickly? Or does it usually take a few months? The more, I guess, embedded this is in your system? It just depends. You can change a thought in 21 Is it 21 days, 21 hours? It can be 21 seconds. It depends on you. Some people change thoughts instantly.

They learn something new. It's like suddenly you realize that Father Christmas isn't real. And everything changes. And it's not hard work. Or you realize that there is no tooth fairy. There is no scary monster. Maybe you realize that there is no tooth fairy there is no scary monster maybe you even realize there isn't hell so you can be instant but it doesn't matter if it isn't you know you can change three ways immediate change all on that oh i changed my thinking you know it's a bit like someone saying i thought that person loved me and then someone

woke me up and said you know that's not love that's abuse like saying oh I thought that person loved me, and then someone woke me up and said, you know, that's not love, that's abuse. It's like saying, oh, I thought, you know, I was doing the right thing by hating my body and it's not changing. But then I realized everything I thought was love is abuse. So I'm going to do yoga, not running. I'm not going to eat diet food. I'm going to love my body with proper food.

It can be an instant thought. You know, like, for instance, my friends went into an abattoir, came out and said, that's it. I could never eat meat again. In that instant, everything changed. If you ate, I don't know, oysters and were violently sick, you can never eat them again because you've linked pain to it. Anything, you're over the toilet bringing everything.

Oh, no. Never again. Never again. Never again. Yeah, if you're throwing up from alcohol the night before or whatever you're over the toilet bringing, I would think, oh no. Never again. Never again, never again. Yeah, if you're throwing up from alcohol the night before or whatever you're saying. It's not even work, you just go, no, I can't do that again. So you can change instantly,

and that's always the best kind, but there's also a second change, which is cumulative. It means bit by bit you think, oh, when did I last scream at my kids? When did I last have that tension headache? I'm noticing it's getting better. And then the third change is called retroactive when you don't even know you've changed. Someone says, wow, look at you.

Or your partner says, gosh, you're so much calmer. Someone says, wow, Lewis, you're looking great. So instant change, cumulative change, retroactive change. But it doesn't matter which change you get because you are changing in the same way that some people have 10 driving lessons, pass their test, that's it. Other people have 100 lessons and finally pass their test. But you're all equal on the road. So how many changes you're thinking, well, my friend did that diet and lost 50 pounds and I didn't I guess I'm a failure my friend did that workout and got a six-pack I didn't my friend did that and it

changed the life it didn't work for me and the saddest thing is we don't blame the program we blame ourselves I guess I'm just a failure so don't compare your change to other people some people change really fast and other people don't. Some people pick up a language really fast. Super fast. Other people don't. Yeah. That's not important.

Don't blame yourself. Don't shame yourself either. No, don't blame yourself. Don't shame yourself. Again, that's abuse, isn't it? Everything you're doing that's abusive, turn it around to being more loving. I made a mistake I forgot something I was mean to my kids today I lost it I ended up eating three Kit Kats because

I didn't go out for lunch but I could remember next time to have some nuts in my bag or to take something with me I shouted at my kids because I hadn't eaten and I was so stressed and I realized I could have taken a deep breath. So don't, you know, you can only learn by making a mistake, but it doesn't matter how long it takes. It's like saying, how long does it take to climb a mountain? I don't know. But when you get to the top, the view is the same for everyone, whether you sprinted up there or went a very slow crawl, everyone has the same view. Yeah. You said there were a couple points to addiction. The first one being I'm not enough. Was there a couple more points to kind of the root of the addiction?

Well, any addiction is classified as something that moves you away from a bad behavior to a good one. People can be addicted to exercise. They can be addicted to orgasms. But it's anything that moves you away from something bad to something good that you can't stop, that starts to run you. And people think addicts are really cold and mean, but addicts are often very fragile, deeply sensitive. So if we look at the Jimi Hendrix and David Bowie and Prince and Michael Jackson,

people who are addicted to pain pills, they often are very fragile. Amy Winehouse, even Whitney, very sensitive, fragile creatures that the world is very hard on. And if you're an addict in any way, you have to realize that addicts are very creative. If you say to Anthony Hopkins,

hey, Anthony, can you play a psychopath? He can see that and play it and terrify everyone. If you say to Amy, hey, Amy, could you write about pain? She could knock out Back to Black in five minutes because they're so creative. And if you're creative, you are receptive to suggestions, which is your biggest gift and your biggest downfall. Because you go, I didn't think that was very good. I thought someone else wrote much better. So addicts are very sensitive, often highly creative. They find the real world very hard

and they need support and kindness. That's not easy when you have an 18 year old kid who's stealing from you to buy drugs, but sending them to rehab where they're told you're trying to kill yourself is often not the case they're often trying to stay alive and it's hard to be kind right but it's the only thing that works with addicts going back and saying look not what's wrong with you but what happened to you when did you decide you don't matter when did you decide you were worthless what happened to make? When did you decide you don't matter? When did you decide you were worthless?

What happened to make you believe you're not enough? And I've worked with many 17-year-old addicts who say, well, I didn't have a dad. My dad left when I was one. He never saw me. He's got another kid he loves more than me, and I'm nothing. I go, but that's not true. Your dad is an idiot.

I'm sorry you have an idiot for a dad, but your dad not seeing you has nothing to do with your greatness and your gifts. But it's hard for children because their worth is, who loves me? Am I lovable? And if no one loves you, how can you believe you're lovable? As you get older, you think, well, I've got to stop.

If nobody loves me and I'm allowing myself to believe I'm not lovable, maybe I could reverse that and go, I am lovable. I am, I am, I am, even if I think it's silly, because you're changing the thought. And we know that our thoughts radiate from us, like a magnet, people that pick our thinking. You know, if you, I was at a ranch last week, working with horses, and if the horse thinks you like it, you know, you have to lie on it so you touch where all its organs are, its stomach, and first the horse will tune into your breathing, actually tunes into your smell.

And if it goes, oh, you like me and I'm safe, it will let you hold it. But if you're nervous and anxious, the horse will pull away. But people are no different. We tune into someone else's thoughts. We tune into other people's beliefs much more than we tune into their actions. So change your thoughts, because it won't just change how you feel about you,

it will change how everyone else feels about you. Right, because if your thoughts are going to create feelings and emotions within you, your body language is going to change based on your thoughts. Of course. And people are going to pick up that energy around you. Yeah. And what I'm hearing you say, people who are addicted, their number one thought is, I'm not enough. Yeah. And so they need to go back to the beginning of reversing that lie and changing that thought. Yeah. Yeah. And like with Ryan, it doesn't take forever. It can take an hour.

It can take half an hour. It takes you, because I remember saying to Ryan, you know, you think you're a broken person, but you're not. You're a person who's had some broken experiences. You think you're flawed. The truth is you had flawed parenting, but you're not flawed. You're not a machine that's broken. You're a person who's had some broken events, but it doesn't mean you're not you're not a machine that's broken you're a person who's had some broken

events but it doesn't mean you're broken you would go a lot into i'm enough as well your other book which i really loved as well um i want to get into relationships here in a moment but if if you're watching this listening this right now make sure you guys check out this book tell yourself a better lie i'll have it all linked up below on the YouTube video and on the podcast as well. Make sure you get this. And I am enough if you feel like you're not enough. I hope today's episode inspired you

on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a rundown of today's show with all the important links. And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me, as well as ad-free listening experience, make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel on Apple Podcast. If you enjoyed this, please share it with a friend over on social media or text a friend. Leave us a review over on Apple Podcast and let me know what you learned over

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