The School of Greatness - Embrace GRATITUDE & Unleash a World of Positive Energy & Opportunities

Episode Date: November 22, 2023

What are you grateful for, and how do you express your gratitude? In this special episode, the transformative power of gratitude and its impact on personal and societal growth is explored through the experiences of three distinguished guests.Dr Joe Dispenza, a renowned expert in neuroscience and human potential, delves into the transformative power of living a life anchored in gratitude and service. He discusses how these principles can rewire our brains, leading to profound personal and societal changes.Renowned actor and singer Taye Diggs emphasizes the importance of embracing our unique identities and the power of positive self-perception. The conversation explores the concept of endless gratitude, where Diggs reveals how an attitude of thankfulness has transformed his life and career as a Tony Award-winning Broadway actor.Fab 5 star Karamo Brown shares his inspiring journey, highlighting the importance of embracing one's true self and the role of community in fostering personal growth. He emphasizes how gratitude can reshape our perspectives, leading to a more fulfilling and authentic life.In this episode you will learnHow gratitude and service can profoundly rewire our brains and instigate societal changeThe power of embracing your community and giving back without receivingThe transformative effects of an attitude of thankfulness, especially in challenging timesThe significance of authenticity and community support in personal growth, and why we should express gratitude to those who lift us upHow adopting gratitude as a core life principle can lead to a more fulfilling and genuine existence.For more information go to www.lewishowes.com/1534For more Greatness text PODCAST to [phone]FULL EPISODES:Dr Joe Dispenza – https://link.chtbl.com/1494-podTaye Diggs – https://lewishowes.com/podcast/taye-diggs/Karamo Brown – https://link.chtbl.com/1457-pod

If you're in a state of gratitude, it makes total sense, then you will accept, believe, and surrender the thoughts that are equal to that emotional state, and you could actually program your autonomic nervous system to make the pharmacy of chemicals that causes growth and repair to happen in the body. When people understand what they're doing, and they understand why they're doing it, the how gets easier. Welcome to the School of Greatness. My name is Lewis Howes, a former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur.

And each week we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin. Welcome to this special masterclass. We brought some of the top experts in the world to help you unlock the power of your life through this specific theme today. It's gonna be powerful, so let's go ahead and dive in. I promise you start giving, start feeling grateful.

And then start practicing feeling gratitude. Teach your body just for 15 minutes a day what it would like to feel gratitude, what it would be like. And our data shows that you take someone to do that for four days, three times a day. They make an immunoglobulin called immunoglobulin A. It's your body's natural flu shot it's the greatest immune immune chemical we have 50 increase in in the subjects we studied in four days immunoglobulin a up 50 in four days where is that chemistry coming from they're not taking anything it's coming from within them right no supplements no injections no topicals no

no just their bodies their autonomic nervous system is manufacturing a pharmacy of chemicals that's causing an immunity to the body wow right so now a person practices feeling gratitude okay what is the emotional signature of gratitude when you receive something or you just receive something when something wonderful happened to you, or something wonderful is happening to you, you feel grateful. Yes. So the emotional signature of gratitude is something just wonderful happened, or something is happening to me.

It's joyful, it's exciting. But you're in a state of receivership. Yes. You've just received something, right? So the emotional signature of gratitude is received, right? So now, if you're in a state of gratitude it makes total sense then you will accept believe and surrender the thoughts that are equal to that emotional state and you could actually program your autonomic nervous system to make the pharmacy

of chemicals that causes growth and repair to happen in the body wow and that's exactly what we're discovering so then when people understand what they're doing and they understand why they're doing it, the how gets easier. So you can assign meaning to the task and switch on the prefrontal cortex. And when you switch on that prefrontal cortex, it wants to get an outcome. It doesn't want to mess around. It wants the outcome. You're doing it for the outcome. And that's kind of a strong intention and a change in energy or an emotional state and that's changing your state of being and when you change your state of being like that every day get ready because you're going to start having synchronicities and opportunities and

coincidences and weird things start happening in your life to prove to you that you're actually the creator of your life instead of the victim of your life. Absolutely. Gosh, there's so much I want to unpack here. One of them is, you mentioned something around 75 to 90% of people go into the doctor's office and it's based on an emotional imbalance that probably causes or influences them to be there. Right. They might feel physical pain, but it's based on an emotional state

that they've been in for a long time. And a host of bad choices that may go with that. But a lot of it is emotional as a baseline that's exactly correct you talked about frequency we talked about emotional signatures and we talked about identity and personality when i went to your advanced seven day uh experience when i went there you had an entire, I don't know, probably a few hour explanation about frequencies and energies. The highest level frequency where we could be at to allow us to feel more abundant and peaceful and have balance and harmony to lower level frequencies that are going to cause us to feel more stress and anger and, you know, feel like we're in constant breakdown, right? And the higher the

frequency we get to, the more conscious we are, the lower the frequency, the more unconscious we are. Essentially, I'm paraphrasing, you know, hours of research and science that you teach during this. What is the lowest level of emotion that will keep us stuck in a non-receivership, a non-abundant mentality and state and a place of pain versus the highest level of emotion that we could be in more frequently that will allow us to feel more peace and in harmony in our health, but also in our life. What are those two opposite emotions okay um i just want to finish the last thought about physical chemical and emotional stress i want to know i want to answer that so if you're truly interested then in sustaining homeostasis and home and balance

then you're going to have to self-regulate. Yes. And it would be wonderful, and we're working, we have this new program called the Inner Health Coalition because we've had so many doctors, so many researchers, so many healthcare providers come through our events. Many of them heal themselves from all kinds of health conditions, from spinal cord injuries to stage 4 cancers, that really just want to really look to see how this model could actually fit in their clinic and there's got to be a different conversation that can happen around

health because chronic health conditions are created from a lifestyle and if you don't change your lifestyle nothing is going to change because nothing changes in our life until we change so then if then you would go to a practitioner where you could actually practice brain and heart coherence which is our formula get your brain feeling those elevated emotions uh you're sorry get your heart feeling those elevated emotions and then get sorry get your heart feeling those elevated emotions and then get your brain coherent and do the do the exercises to get your brain and body back into regulation into homeostasis and then the key element is not that you react i mean who doesn't react the question is you're perfect daughter joe you never react right yeah the question is how long right how

long are you going to do that for i mean if you keep it going on then there must be an addiction because an addiction is something you think you can't stop or knowing something isn't good for you and you do it anyway that's when you know you're addicted right so so then get the patient to really work on the emotional states that are keeping them and their body in the past it's so hard for people i feel like yeah because because because up until recently there haven't been a whole lot of scientifically proven formulas or ways to teach people how to do that. People by nature want to get over their emotional state. They've just been hypnotized.

They've been programmed. They've been conditioned into using something outside of them to take away this feeling inside of them. To numb the pain. Yeah, it's nothing wrong with this. Distract, numb. But you could go watch a movie. You could do this. You can do that.

You can do all these different things. Go out to dinner, just to make the feeling away. But the problem is, the feeling always comes back. Right. And so now when the person reaches that point where they're saying nothing's making this feeling go away, this is game time. This is where the person's not responding to texts any longer. Right. They're not wanting to go to dinner with the same people. They don't want to do the same things. They don't want to do the same things.

They don't want to watch the same TV show. They don't want to get on the computer any longer. This feeling is disturbing. Nothing's making it. No drug, no shopping spree, no sports car. Nothing's making this feeling go away. This is a key moment, right? Because now the person's going to start to realize

that no one or nothing in their life is going to make this feeling go away but them. Right. And this is the key moment. This is where the person really decides to change. This is the, because they can see themselves for the first time because they no longer feel like themselves. They're no longer distracted by that. They can see how they think. They can notice how they've been acting and decide, oh my God, I don't want to do that anymore. The choices they've made or the experiences they just want to no longer do and the feelings that they no longer want to feel, right? And they start breaking their emotional agreements with everybody and everything in their life. And people really get worried because they're no longer predictable. They're not showing up as the memory of themselves, right? So

what do you do? You medicate them. The person's depressed. You know, they're in a midlife crisis. But really, it's the soul saying, there's a future. And you may not know what it is, but you can't go back to that. Right. You just can't go back any longer. You can't.

You already know. You can predict everything that's going to happen. You've got to start saying no, or you've got to start looking going to happen you got to start you got to start saying no or you got to start looking deep or you got to start changing and this is where um it's so important for people then to understand that this is not a bad thing this is actually a good thing it just doesn't feel good any longer because you're you're ready to change right so this is what we should be naturally doing so when the person says oh my god I want to feel something else in my life than this okay I'm gonna watch how I respond to my co-worker I'm gonna rewatch how I respond to my own thoughts when did I default today and we turn back to the old self and they get

really serious about looking closely at how they can change the way they think act and feel and we have so many testimonials of people that were diagnosed with chronic health conditions and they got themselves in their meditations back into elevated emotional states and and change their energy and change their frequency. We'll get to that. But then they get up from their meditation and they spend the next 15 hours in fear and frustration. Why is that, though? Because they went unconscious.

They defaulted. So you've got to get so good at doing it with your eyes closed, you've got to start doing it with your eyes open. Oh, man. And that's the big game. That's the game. That is the game. That is the game. That is the game, right?

Because this is the plane of demonstration. You've got to demonstrate. So you've got to start. That's why the walking meditations are so important in our work, because you've got to walk as it. If you're going to be relaxed in your heart and awake in your brain, you better do it with your eyes open. So let's practice with our eyes. Let's go. There's no other way to do it. You want to get so good at it that you can do it in the most adverse situations.

That's, you know, when you own it, right? So then the person then realized that she had to watch her response to her ex. She had to watch her response to her bank account. She had to watch her response to the news. All of those things, she didn't, no drug, no surgery, no chemo, no radiation, no diet, no supplements were taking her health condition away. Until she realized I had to change right so now she she noticed doing her meditations her pain levels went down she noticed she was sleeping better she knew she had more energy but her values for that health condition were still

the same and she said it's not that this doesn't work they weren't she wasn't doing her meditations any longer to heal she was doing her meditations to change. And so then she'd say, okay, what do I want to believe today? What thought do I want to fire and wire in my brain? Remember it. Keep remembering it so I don't forget to think this way. And a belief is just a thought you keep thinking over and over again. So she wanted to hardwire that in her brain.

She wanted that to be a new voice in her head. Because thoughts that wire together. Fire together and wire together, right? So then how am I going to behave? Closing your eyes and rehearsing how you're gonna be with your your axe and literally things gotta be another way to be I can't respond the way I have respond it's only weakening me I've got to change my state okay I'm gonna be loving we rehearse it mental rehearsal we keep doing it rehearsing yourself in the scene planning your behaviors your

brain will look like you already did it and if you keep doing it it's going to become more more automatic it's going to become like a software program so the brain looks like the experience has already happened and now you have you have you have hardware and software in place to use when you're with your ex because you installed it right so now you're now you're doing the meditation to remind yourself who you no longer want to be and remind yourself who you do want to be so now okay the person's now behaves that way and now her response to her ex is different evolution that day and the body's no longer brought back to the past and she does it once and she wants to do it again she wants to get better at it and she starts healing then she says i got to stay in this emotional state. I don't care who it is or what it is.

Let me close my eyes. I'm going to feel this emotion a hundred times if I have to, just so that I can feel it so many times that I can bring it up whenever I want. Now they're becoming familiar with a new state of being, right? And when you feel the emotion of your future before it happens, you'll always believe in that future. Wow. And if you feel the emotion that keeps you connecting in your past, you'll believe in that future wow and if you feel the

emotion that keeps you connecting your past you'll believe in your past and that's just the way it is and then you return back to the same self your same biology thinking the same thoughts making the same choices doing the same things creating the same experiences feeling the same emotions in your biology your neurocircuitry your neurochemistry your hormones your gene expression all stays the same because you just return back to the same. Okay, so we said seven days. Taking a group of people is what I said to the scientists at University of California, San Diego. Seven days.

Biology stays the same. They all agreed. I said, give people new information. Combine quantum physics with neuroscience, with neuroendocrinology, with psychoneuroimmunology with epigenetics with electromagnetism build models of understanding get people to learn new information they're going to have new thoughts now give them the the instruction so they can make a new choice they can do a new thing they can create a new experience they can feel a new emotion will their biology change in seven days? Lo and behold, the change way greater than we ever expected. Novice meditators, people who never came to a week-long event,

never really meditated that much, the novice meditators, seven days, their biology at the end of seven days looked like they were living in a whole new life. And it wasn't 20% or 10%. It was the majority of the collective. Now, all of those people have different genomes, different genotypes. And they're all different cultures, different races, different ages. But when we look at the biology of gene expression,

they're signaling the same genes. They're making the same proteins. The collective, the herd, the flock making the same proteins the the collective the herd the flock um the school of fish the biology that is an emergent biology that's changing collectively the probability of that happening is is it's insanely uh insanely minimal let me just say that. So then think differently, make a different choice, do a different thing, create a new experience, feel a new emotion, keep doing that, your biology will change. And that's exactly how people heal. So the emotions that keep us, I would say, in our more limited animal, mammalian, human state, have everything to do with anger and aggression,

state have everything to do with anger and aggression fear and anxiety and suffering and pain and guilt and shame and you know our was that man is that me all of those those are your think of a think as energy as emotion so those emotions um are should should ultimately be retired as wisdom. Because the memory without the emotional charge is wisdom. And now the game is over and you're ready for a new experience. And you can't go to the future holding on to the emotion of the past, right? So you've got to overcome that emotional state. So then you start feeling gratitude. You start feeling more gratitude.

You start feeling love. You start feeling more love. You start feeling kindness. You start feeling care. You start feeling appreciation. You start feeling more gratitude, you start feeling love, you start feeling more love, you start feeling kindness, you start feeling care, you start feeling appreciation, you start feeling creative, you start feeling inspired, you practice feeling those emotions, and you get that heart of yours back into balance, we discover that once energy makes it to the heart, it's going right to the brain, and it's going to go straight up, and it's going to tell the brain, in that moment, the heart is the creative center. It's safe to create.

And the person moves out of survival and the brain, like grabbing a big sheet and going like that, creates a wave of energy right to the brain, coherent energy of the brain, and the brain goes into a creative alpha state and the brain is getting information. The heart is informing the brain, think of something new. Think of a new possibility. It's a creative state. And the person starts seeing pictures and images. Well, keep sustaining that relaxed in your heart, awake in your brain. We see how long people can hang with that.

We got the brain and heart hooked up together. And then here it comes. You start seeing resonance taking place. There's waves, riding waves, and faster waves building on waves. So delta, the base, is carrying theta, but it's a harmonic. And theta is carrying alpha, and alpha is carrying beta. Beta is carrying high beta, and high beta is going in the gamma. And when that occurs, the person is feeling ecstasy.

There's an arousal, an arousal taking place in the nervous system, but the arousal is in fear. It's not fear. It's not fear. It's not anger. It's not pain. That's typically what creates an arousal. The arousal is ecstasy. So the person is feeling wholeness.

They're feeling connected. They're feeling aware. They're super conscious. The brain is no longer in just coherence the brain is in resonance there's waves carrying waves there's harmonics there's order within order there's patterns within patterns nested observer windows the brain is functioning mathematically and so you see that happening and you ask the person from their subjective experience, how did that feel?

They say, I felt so whole. I felt such bliss. I felt such connection. I felt such pure love. I no longer wanted anything. It's impossible to want when you're in that state. No desire is for something lack because you're not in lack. There's no, you're in wholeness.

It's the exact opposite and that's the place to create from. Right. Not from lack because lack means I'm going to wait for that thing to happen out there to take away the lack or separation from not having it. This is like your body's believing it's already in that future. And that's exactly what we discovered at the end of seven days. People move into that state and they're making thousands of metabolites. Information is in their blood at the end of seven days that wasn't there before,

and they're not taking any exogenous substance. They're not changing their diet. It's coming from within them. So then the person who starts feeling wholeness, it gets very difficult to describe those emotions. It's ineffable. I mean, we ask people, what was it? And they just, they're just well up in tears and they say, I don't know. It's the most familiar,

unfamiliar feeling I've ever had. Like I'm remembering what I forgot. Like I forgot that I'm this. I am pure love. I am this, you know. And I think when we have those experiences, at least when I've had those experiences, I think the takeaway is that it didn't come from out there, from anyone or anything. It came from within me. And I think that's the real fundamental moment where people stop looking outside of them. It's always been within them. And that relationship that they develop, okay, yeah, we all take hard knocks during our lives. And we all have stressors in our life.

And we're all trying to do as much as we can and walk the tightrope. But a person who every single day says, I'm not going to get up from my meditation until I absolutely feel like I'm that person. Man, it's a very different game because people say, why do you do your meditations in the morning? I say, because if I can overcome overcome me the rest of my day is easy so you know on the path that i'm kind that i've kind of chosen you know it's it's it's been interesting living in in this in this atmosphere that is so inundated with that vibe but then trying to see through it and honor

yourself and do what's good for you, what's healthy for you and your family. A son helps. Kids help. It keeps you grounded and humble because they don't really care who you are, how cute you look. What roles you got or whatever. You know what I mean you can have

really fresh jordans and a nice ride but if they have a you're not feeding them they have a fit in the middle of whole foods they don't really give a so exactly so that's cool um so they help but you know you know i'll be i'll be in the movie theater and i'll i'll be looking at the next anthony man anthony oh he's another one too really really good Anthony Mackie film and I'll have that little twinge of oh should I be on this poster and

are people thinking I'm not relevant because I'm on a TV show but then I have to tell myself I'm happy you know and would I be you know would I be happy being the next you know black spider-man or whatever maybe but that's months away from the kid and yeah my bones my knees I don't know if I could be do auto stunts right you know it's a young man's game so uh and you know it's it's it's tough to do all that

and then and then try to give back you do you know what I mean, for me. So, you know, that's probably the struggle because there's still that little, there's still that young Taye Diggs, that fighter, you know, the flame in my eye that still wants to, you know, I still want to get an Oscar. I still, you know, love the publicity and whatnot. So I guess that's probably the biggest challenge,

is keeping myself grounded, realizing what is real. Do you know what I mean? Because if you let that stuff take you over, it will take you over. And I don't want to. It's unfulfilling probably. Yeah, man. Yeah. At the end of the day, my son, he fulfills me.

You know what I mean? You know, reading, it sounds so corny. But, you know, being the lead of a movie is great. But, you know, when you read to children and you're affecting lives like that, you know, that doesn't go away. You know what I mean? You know, kids, like if I had written, you know, where the wild things are. Do you know what doesn't go away yeah you know i mean in you know kids like if i had written you know where the wild things are do you know i mean the legacy right you know i mean that doesn't go away people will forget if i'm spider-man yeah you know i mean no matter how much that the opening

weekend is um people forget real quick too quick you know i mean especially if you haven't done anything in two three you know what i mean and it if you haven't done anything in two, three years. Do you know what I mean? And it's really not fair. It's really not fair, especially, you know, as an African American actor, people are making history and, and,

and it's just getting overlooked. Do you know what I mean? So, I'm, I'm, I'm cool. I'm cool. What's the biggest fear for you moving forward in life and your career? Oh,

it's just my, my son's health. You know, when you, when you have a child, it's the most vulnerable thing. Yeah, it's crazy. So, you know, I just try to put that out of my head and just stay positive. Because if I think about what my life would be without him or if something awful happened to him, I don't even know. So that's an easy question to answer. Yeah.

Because you really don't have control for something. I'm choosing to believe I do. Sure. Right, right, right. I'm willing it so. But at the end of the day, you know, yeah. So I just try to stay positive and and keep them in my prayers i hear you um in the act i mean you're around a lot of actors all the time

do you feel like self-love is something that actors need more of 100 i think the world needs more of it yeah yeah 100 what do you think, how do you practice self-love yourself? And what would you, how would you give back to people listening who are maybe struggling or trying to figure out, you know, their worth in the world? Whether it be in a relationship, career, anything. What's some ways you can practice? What's not building your ego too much, but it's like the fulfilling self-love, you know? Sure, sure. ego too much but it's like the fulfilling self-love you know sure sure hmm i think it i think it manifests itself differently in different in different people um you know like for me

um with talent you know i didn't have an issue because people were always there telling me how that i had something you know it it had to deal with for me deserving the pretty girl or or deserving to be in a conversation you know so I think at the end of the day it's tough man it's one of the. I think it could be one of the hardest things to do, which is just convince yourself that you are worth it. Just you who you are not and not comparing yourself or putting yourself in a context because it's so easy to say, oh, am I as intelligent as this person? am I as intelligent as this person? And then looking at what you have to offer in terms of intelligence because it's not about that because that can easily be taken away or you cannot have it.

So you have to find who you are as a person regardless of everything else and everyone else around you, and just be cool with that and let that power you so that no matter how great, how handsome, how talented, no matter how whatever it is you are, you consider yourself more than enough. Yeah. And in this world that's based on all of that other shit, it's really tough to do because we're here, and the first thing we ask ourselves, you know, what do I have to offer?

What makes me different? What makes me special? So that's where I think the difficulty comes in. Do you have a practice that you do, like, every morning to help you get ready for the day? Or a ritual or routine or anything? Yes, I do. It just changes every three days. You know what I mean?

Because I'm still on that tip of what works. Yeah, yeah. So if I meditate for 20 minutes and then I have a great day for the next week, I'll meditate until I have a sucky day, and then I'll try something else. Sure, sure. But, you know, it's tough to not be result-oriented, you know, growing up an actor and dealing with sports. But for me, it's having a practice.

It's something that kind of forces you to be outside yourself and then realize that there's something more. I think whatever that is, I feel like you're pretty good if you can focus on that. Yeah. That being one of the things, you know, and then afterwards, then actually focusing on yourself so that you can allow yourself to focus more on other people.

You know what I mean? Sure, sure, sure. It's tough, man. sure um it's tough man yeah it's tough this this this this this this cycle of life is the the most difficult just because um i'm the most aware and at the same time you know with uh being split and a divorce and a single father, I have the most, I've got a full plate. So every once in a while, I'll feel sorry for myself just because I just feel like I'm working constantly, trying to be a good person, trying to be a good father, trying to take the high road, trying to be more mindful, trying to be more forgiving. And sometimes I want to say let me

i mean sometimes i do i just came from vegas you said it that whole weekend and i was pretty unmindful and sure sure you know what i mean uh but i can't wait till i get to the point where you know i don't have to binge you know where i can you know where i can just it can just be life and that can just be where i chill out as opposed to kind of winding it up winding it up and then feeling like i have to unwind you know to the point where it's you know alcohol and girls and dancing and clubs and you know i still got a little bit of that in me um so you got the young tay digs in you you know You know, because I never, it's so many things. I never got to do that as a young man. You know, I grew up really religious and then came into success quick

and then got married quick. Working all the time, just focused. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. And then it was really judgmental with, you know, oh, these people, you're a bad person if you do this. And slowly I started to open up my eyes and started to experiment with stuff. And clubs are fun.

It can be fun. Girls can be fun. So I'm coming off that train now. But every once in a while, it's still fun to just go a little crazy. Sure. What are the non-negotiables for you? Like every day that you're like, I have to do this every day no matter what or i'm gonna maybe it's not meditate but i'm i'm gonna eat a certain way i'm going to think a

certain thing it's one of those things it's either working out well you know what to be honest it's it's i force myself to think of others and kind of walk walk a path of trying to love. Do you know what I mean? As corny as that sounds. Trying empathy. Do you know what I mean? Empathy is what it is. Every day I'm forcing myself to try to see if somebody rubs me the wrong way,

if somebody does something, whether it be to me or to someone else, or if someone comes to me and asks some advice, I force myself to try to say something that will kind of throw a positive spin on something and not go the negative route. Yeah. You know, I feel good about that. I feel good about myself, yeah, when it comes to that.

That's something that I'm pretty diligent in, I think, doing. There's a lot of young actors and people, writers, people in the entertainment world that I know listen to this. If you could say that there's like the mistakes that a lot of actors make and the things that they do well, what would be like the top two or three things that you think if you're a young actor, writer trying to make it in this world, what should they really be focusing on and what is holding them back that you see you know what i was thinking of writing a book um that you know was kind of um grounded in humor that that has to do with with what is going to be like the you know the actor's

handbook to becoming famous famous because it's a cliche you know it's like there's a young person's got all this talent you know maybe they start up doing plays then they do a play they win award then they get the cards come to Hollywood you know then they do the whole Hollywood thing and it really you know choose them up they date a celebrity lady get married the drugs the strip clubs of this to that, and then they fall out, go to rehab, and then pick this role, and then get nominated for an Oscar. So part of me thinks that it's pretty, you know, you just need to stay grounded and to keep focused and to kind of not fall prey.

Have someone have your back, you know what I mean? not fall prey have someone have your back you know what i mean but then you know uh but then you don't get uh you know sometimes i think you need to get roughed up you need you need experiences so that uh so that things mean something you know like all the that i've been through i've been through it so now i know um, for a minute I was living in great life. I thought I was, you know, a good person and kind and, but I didn't know, you know what I mean? I didn't know what people meant. I didn't know what it was like to, to struggle to a certain extent. And until I did, you know, um, the world didn't open up, you know, uh, you need experiences, um, no matter what.

I'm not telling everybody to get addicted to drugs and spend $100,000 at a strip club. But everybody has their own kind of path. So I don't want people to end up killing themselves, but I think it's good that people, you know, experience some friction. What does that mean, that they should just be constantly going out, putting themselves out to bigger roles or bigger opportunities and failing, essentially, or getting said no to? I think people should follow their instincts, you know?

I truly do. I mean, I could sit here and say, you know, be focused and stay out of trouble and you know i think at a young age if people can realize that there's something outside of themselves that there's a a greater energy yeah you know i don't think it can go wrong there but uh you know people living their lives and having their own experiences um i think it it it's you know it bodes well for them you know being selfish you know all of that you know think thinking of others you know i mean do you do you but think but think of others and

and uh and just go for it go hard yeah uh tiff wanted me to ask you a question and she said what was it like to work with uh i'm not answering tiffany you don't know me uh in private practice you worked with shonda rhymes right yeah and she's a big fan of her she's reading her book right now so are you me too she wanted to know something about yes there's something that what is it the year the year yes she wanted to know what was it like working with her she's it's a big inspiration for her in the in the entertainment world oh man well that was one um yeah that was a crowd was uh i had my my kid when i was on her show that was uh that was that was a time in my life you know time and time again i feel like i've been uh blessed and then you know the thing about this

being human being an actor being in la um really really amazing things can happen to you and then you can forget and then have fear and doubt and i swear to god actors have the you know we we have the shortest just memories you know things can be so so bad you know and we have the shortest just memories. You know, things can be so bad, you know, and then we can say, all I need is this job, and, you know, once I get this gig, and once I get this card, I'll be fine. Then we get the gig in the car, and we're just complaining about what it's like

to be in that car and in that gig. Really? Oh, man. I mean, actors are awful. We're awful people. Okay. We're so, you know, we want for free. Right.

And if the car's not here at the minute and the cable's not, I mean, you know, if I'm not on this magazine color. Oh, dude. And we come from nothing, you know. Right, right. You would think we would be the most appreciative group on the planet. And instead, it's the opposite. You're getting the most attention. Oh, totally. You're be the most appreciative group on the planet, and instead it's the opposite. You're getting the most attention. Oh, totally.

You're getting the most recognition. You know what I mean? On the red carpet, just frowning because somebody else went before you. Really? When you just got dropped off in your limo or the car doesn't come on time. You're wearing a $10,000 outfit. You know what I mean? Totally.

I'm sitting here next to Sandra Bullock. I was supposed to be before her. Oh, my God. Like, come on, man. But you get caught up in it. Yeah. See, I got caught up in that. What was the question?

Oh, Shonda Rhimes. Yeah, yeah. So I was on a gig where I was like, all right, this next thing, I want to shoot a gun. So I was on a show where I was shooting a gun and then doing stunts and being the tough guy. So that ended and then I thought to myself, you know what, I would love to be on a show like Grey's Anatomy. You know, Shonda Rhimes. I could just really act and have those amazing monologues

and wear a suit. And the next thing I know, she called me in and she's like i'm this new there was this new show i'm you know i'm i'm creating with with kate walsh and it's a spinoff and and i was like that's this is a dream come true um you know you really can manifest some some some stuff um and she was just she was just wonderful wow um i don't know how you i can only assume that everybody else had the experience that i had but i don't know if it was because i was black or you know a young man but i really felt like she was looking out for me um you know we'd have

you know meetings about the character and and I could tell that she was very protective of the character I played. And unfortunately, in this time, in this era, when it comes to African-American roles, you have to set a precedent just so you don't have to. But if you want to make a precedent um just so you don't have to but if you want to make a difference you need to to set down some some ground rules so that um people don't get it twisted so with that character you could look at my character as you know a professional black man and you know

no okay not all black people take drugs not all black people just not all black people take drugs. Not all black people are irresponsible. She didn't make him. He was just a good dude through and through. So that character was there, and you couldn't do anything about it. And that was proof that black people like this exist. And I'm thankful for that. She's a she's a monster man

she's just killing it and it's just so exciting it just tickles me big lesson you learned from her working with her what was that to go for it somebody I don't know she just did it

she had the audacity to think that she could do shit, and she's doing it. She's taking to producing like five or ten shows. Why not? A lot of shows on TV or whatever, right? If you would have told me that somebody was going to do that, I would have laughed in your face and said, why don't you just chill with one? Right. Like, be cool.

You know what I mean? Yeah. What makes you think that they're going to open the door for you? And she was like, I'm kicking this door down and I'm going to be really good at it. Wow. You know, so. Amazing. Yeah, it really is.

That's really cool. I mean, this is, I didn't think, I knew stuff like this was going to go down, but I didn't think it would happen this fast with you know a black president and then people like like shonda rhimes just and and people have just gone so far beyond you know my expectations um you know my mother used to say um make sure you can do everything better than they can whoever it is um and and all of these people, I think, you know, came from that school where it's like, you be so great that they cannot deny you. What do you say to people who are in those situations that are struggling to choose happiness because it just feels like there's so much chaos in their life? Well, first of all, I acknowledge the chaos. And I think it's important that we don't give some false perception that when

life is hard, that we can't acknowledge that it is hard. I have been there. Like I remember when I got out of depression, you know, I had a suicide attempt and then I became a father of two quickly. My kids were 10 and seven. And I did not know how to parent. I didn't have no money. I was choosing whether I gave my kids gas money, I mean, gave my kids lunch money or putting gas in my car. And things were difficult. The relationship that I was in was bad. It was unhealthy. And so I understand all of that list you just said. And back then I didn't choose happiness understand all of that list you just said. And back then, I didn't choose happiness because of course, like you just expressed, you don't know how. When there is darkness around you, it is very difficult to see it. And I acknowledge that.

And so I don't want somebody to feel alone and being like, well, maybe I'm just... Because you'll end up getting into a cycle of being on yourself and you start beating yourself up because the world is beating you up. And in that moment, what I did is realize I get to say that this is the world. This is the world that the circumstances I was born into or situations that I found myself in because of choices i didn't know the first way i used to choose happiness is i used to say something there was a song and i wish i can remember the artist's name she'd say i'm a young soul i came to this strange you know that song yeah yeah i don't know the lyrics but i know yeah i don't remember who that was but i used to give myself some grace and i would say you're a young soul you're you're a young soul. You don't know. You didn't know.

And that one statement that came from that song gave me just a bit to see that I could choose happiness because of the fact that I realized I didn't know this all. So now I know I'm a young soul. I didn't know it. So, okay. So these things are happening. What can I learn from each of them? And when I say, what can I learn from each of them

was my next step of saying, learning is me choosing happiness in this moment. So I think we have to understand how to define happiness in our darkest moments or redefine happiness. So that way you can then feel better because learning for me, acknowledging that I was young soul and I wasn't supposed to know everything was maybe just a little happiness. It was a redefinition. Me then deciding to learn how to, I remember the first

book I got on how to be a better parent. I was like, I'm so happy right now because I'm taking a step to learn. Yes. You're getting a tool. I'm getting a tool. Back to that little triangle. I'm getting a tool. And that tool for me made me happy. So I just spent the next couple of years of redefining over and over again what happiness looked like in the moment I was in. And I think if more people can do that, instead of looking at happiness is supposed to be on the beach, happiness is, you know, smiling kids. I don't know what's supposed to be for you because like

some days I'm like, okay, these kids just got out of school, went to school on time. You know, like I didn't get a call from a teacher. I am happy. Like I redefine happiness to that, that milestone. And then later on, I was like, oh my gosh, now I'm working on my career and I'm doing this. And then I redefined happiness again. So I think the redefining happiness for you in wherever you are is going to be a helpful tool of, like you said, practicing that gratitude and recognizing happiness. Speaking about your kids, what's been the greatest lesson that your kids have taught you? They don't teach me anything. I'm joking.

I mean, it's a million things they teach me. My son's making me a better communicator. My kids are the best mirror for me if I allow it. And that's a big thing because a lot of parents don't allow it. They don't allow their kids to be the mirrors that they need. thing because a lot of parents don't allow it. They don't allow their kids to be the mirrors that they need. And it wasn't even sometimes with the words they said, you know, I worked in social services for many years and I remember just coming home and being impatient because I was so stressed from work and my kids' problems just seemed so small. And there's nothing like being like,

you know what, just look at all you have. Be happy for what you have. Saying that to a child and them looking at you like, like, what did I do? That you learn really quickly, like, wow, I'm being impatient to your young life.

Of course, you don't know what's going on in the world. So this is your world. And they're a young soul. Yeah, you're a young soul. This is your world. And you're in your world. This is a big soul yeah you're a young soul this is your world and you're in your world this is a big problem for you and so i have to have empathy towards that it may not be a problem for you because you overcame it 20 years 20 years prior and so with them they just taught me like be introspective in that way like you know um i

watched this youtube video today where this guy was in a mall and he was being interviewed by some YouTuber, you know, TikToker and someone walked past him in the camera. And the guy who was interviewing said, look, look at this. He just walked. He walked past us while we're filming. And the other guy speaking to him said, well, maybe we don't look at it as he's being malicious. Maybe he's in his head because something has happened. And maybe like we have to just understand that like he's a human being going through a lot of stuff it as he's being malicious. Maybe he's in his head because something has happened. And maybe like, we have to just understand that like he's a human being going through a lot of stuff. And maybe he's just unaware.

Like many of us are unaware as we walk through this world. And like, and it's like, wow. And my kids did that for me. The same perspective he gave, my kids gave me that to me. So when I'm talking to someone, I always stop myself and I say, they're going through their own stuff. So right now I need to be empath I say, they're going through their own stuff. So right now,

I need to be empathetic to where they're at. And I'm not going to be impatient because they're not growing at the pace that I want them to grow at. Or I'm not going to have this expectation of where they shouldn't be or what they should know, because I assume that they should know it. And my kids definitely taught me that. And that came from me just looking at my, how I reacted to them, feelings that I need to react better to them. And I need to react better to the world around me. Wow. One of the big challenges I see a lot of people face with

is figuring out relationships in general, but typically intimate relationships. Yeah. And I know you coach a lot of people on your talk show and also on Queer Eye. You guys work with people in their relationships, in their intimacy, and how to really become better human beings. Why do you think people struggle so much in intimacy? And I know you and I have struggled in our past. Yeah, we talked about it beforehand, yeah.

But why do you think it's so challenging just for a lot of people to create harmony, peace in a relationship not a perfection most people don't have the models of it and the models were given you know is so dated i mean like people have said this a million times over but like think about it as kids you know as much as i love the new disney movie hailey berry is i'm hailey berry is or hailey bailey is just killing it uh i'm like the first kids, you know, as much as I love the new Disney movie, Haley Berry is, um, Haley Berry is, or Haley Bailey is just killing it. Uh, like the first model we gave to little girls was like, give up your voice for a man, you know, like we like drop a shoe behind, you know what I mean? Like, I remember the first time I went to a guy's house and I left something behind. It was like,

that's toxic. And I did that because it was Cinderella told me, girl, you leave a shoe behind. He gonna come find you. He's going to invite you back. And it's not true. Or Beauty and the Beast. Let me make you a prisoner. Let me make you leave a shoe behind he gonna come find you he's gonna invite you back and it's not true or beauty and the beast let me make you a prisoner let me make you let me abuse you abuse you and then have you fall in love with me fall in love with me i mean come on and so we don't most of us don't have the right models we never got them we might not have seen in our home and if we did see in our home where it was really healthy most of the times our parents didn't really tell us the struggles because every relationship has issues.

And the ones that are perfect, if stayed together for 40 years, 50 years, usually aren't as transparent as they need to be about the struggles they had. I remember Michelle Obama, a couple months back got in trouble because she had said, she's been with Barack for 30 years

and 10 of them were bad. And she said, I'll take those odds. And a lot of people were like, what, you're taking 10 odds? And she wasn't saying 10 consecutive years of like, I'm being abused. She was saying within that, there are a lot of times that you have to work a little bit harder and you have to communicate a little bit better. And I think most of us don't have the models. So for me, what I've started doing now to have healthy relationships is from day one, date one.

And this is a cute thing you should do. Day one or date one? Day one or date one. I say to my partner, the five things or the person I'm talking to, the five things that I think I need in this moment to have a healthy relationship. And I asked them, what are the five things they need? What are those five things for you? Oh, I need in this moment to have a healthy relationship. And I ask them, what are the five things they need? What are those five things for you? Oh, I need communication.

I need sensitivity. Sensitivity slash empathy. I need adventure. I need sexuality and sensuality. I need a lot of that. And I need a lot of vulnerability, which is different than the sensitivity empathy for me. And those things right there, it's like, let's just get this out the way. Do you understand what those five things mean? And if you don't, I can give you some time

to explain what those things are. So when I say I need adventure, it doesn't mean that I'm trying to, we need to be jumping out of planes every weekend, but it does mean at least once a month, we need to be a priority and we need to find something that's out of our everyday life to do together because I don't ever want to get into a routine with you. When I say that I need communication, that means that in the hardest moments of our life, I need to know that you're not going to walk away, that you're going to talk to me. It doesn't mean that I can't give you space to cool off or to get your time. But even that is a little bit of a different conversation of like, what is that space and time?

And I think too many people go through the happiness and the joy and like all the excitement and endorphins of it all. And then when those moments come, you have no baseline to say, well, I told you these were what I needed and I don't know what you need either because you never told me. What are the things that are important to you? Because I think the more you can be honest and transparent about what you need and not being like, well, I need somebody who's got, you know, money and I need like, no, like, because it's really more of that emotional and mental thing that you need that when the hardest moments is going to what's going to make you or break you yes

can you be sensitive to me being sensitive that's a big thing for me because i'm a scorpio and i'm sensitive as hell you say the wrong thing and i'm like i'm like hold on i'm over it you know right now and i'm like hold on do i strike back or do i do i go into like cry right i don't know and so can you be sensitive to that um is that too much for you and i think that if more people could have those conversations from day one to create a foundation and understand that those things could change and you got to check back in on those things yeah because in three years that might not be what i need anymore. And it might not be your list line, that'd be what you need. But are you really having those conversations? And if you're already deep into relationship and you see that there's areas that you need to work on, go back to the basics and say, what are the five

things you need? What are the five things that you need that are going to make you feel? Because like sexual, you know, sensuality and sexuality and that stuff for me, a lot of people get older and, or even young relationships and it starts to become not a priority for one partner or for both. And that could break people up. Right. Or make them start to cheat. So we have to come back together and re-engage like, what is the level of sexual intimacy that you need? So we have to come back together and re-engage. Like, what is the level of sexual intimacy that you need so we stay connected?

So you come to these five things day one. This is what you did with your current partner. Day one. Now, I told you the day me and my partner met, I thought it was a booty call. Yeah. And then we spent eight hours together, not even a single drip, talking. And that was on the list of things we talked about. That was one of the things you talked about.

He showed me his bank account on the first night. Wait, the number to log in or how much he had in the bank account? He showed me his bank account. Oh, wow. And it wasn't something that was like, I'm showing off. It was, we were having a conversation about financial stability. That's so important to talk about all these. Maybe it's not day one for everyone in every like dating experience, but I think it is

so important. Why can't it be day one? Let's have our conversation. Why can't it be? I agree because this is what I did with Martha, my girlfriend. The first day we had a lot of these conversations. And one of the things that we talked about was priorities. This wasn't day one, but this was pretty quick within our dating experience before we got committed and exclusive. She was like, what are your priorities in life? Yeah. The old priorities question that every man gets eventually.

Right. And I said, are you sure you want to hear the truth? Yeah. Because in the past I felt like I had to skirt around the truth because there would be triggers or fear or reactions. I said, are you sure you want to hear it? She said, yes. I go, you may not like what I'm about to say and you may not want to hang out with me anymore.

So just be aware you're asking for this. Yeah. She said, yes. I go, you may not like what I'm about to say and you may not want to hang out with me anymore. So just be aware you're asking for this. She said, what is it? I said, my number one priority is not you. If we get into this committed relationship and no woman wants to hear or no other partner wants to hear, you're not number one. Now there's context around this. Yes, of course. My number one priority is my health, my spiritual, emotional, physical health. Yes. Because if I have bad health, I'm not going to be good for you. So for me, that's why my health is my top priority so that I can be of service to my number two priority, which is still not you. Doesn't mean you're not a top priority, but the number two priority at this season of my life is my mission, my purpose, what I feel like I'm called to do at this season. Yes. And that is what I'm up to currently. And it doesn't mean I'm not, I'm going to neglect you.

I'm not going to have time for you, but you need to make sure that you don't pull me from my mission, that you support me and elevate me in being of service to my mission. Because it's important to me. And if I feel like I'm pulled from it, then I'm probably to resent the relationship. But if you are a full alignment that my number one and number two priorities and what they are, you're going to feel like the biggest priority in the world. You're going to feel like number one. You're going to be, have more time for me than ever before. You're going to get the best of me. And you're going to, you're going to be, have more time for me than ever before. You're going to get the best of me and you're going to have everything you want.

Let me tell you something. This is what I will listen to you every morning for a year. Let me tell you something. You ever been to a black church? Did you go to a black church and come and drop this knowledge? Cause you just, the passages came out in you. That is amazing. But I think, you know, either I was attracting certain people or that weren't able to hear it with the context. Yes. Again, most people don't want to hear I'm entering a relationship and you're not going to be my number one or two priority. But it's again, building the context around it. Make sure that you let you support me in going to the gym, doing therapy, doing things to support my growth. You support me in my mission. You push me to go do it. And I'm going to give gym, doing therapy, doing things to support my growth. You support me in

my mission. You push me to go do it. And I'm going to give you all of me. So we're in line to what we're doing. We immediately told our partners what we need. And then there from there, it starts to expand. I would tell you to stop prefacing with, you might not like this, right? Because that you're, you're already setting them up for something that you're unconsciously telling them. And it's like, they should like this. And they should then learn from it. She loved it.

Of course, that's why you're together. Right away, she goes, yes. She told me like, yes. Because she goes, every person I've been with didn't have a purpose. Maybe they had some skill or something they were doing, but they didn't love it. Yeah. They weren't fully invested in their mission in life and they made her their purpose is what she told me that they're like, you're my purpose.

She was like, no, I don't want that. I want you to go do your thing and then we can do things together. Amen. And so, you know, she's on, she was on a healing journey. So she was more conscious in that way that she wasn't insecure if her partner was out in the world doing their thing. So, but I think having those conversations like we did early on for me has set me up for a lot more peace and harmony. Again, there's,

there's, there's, uh, misunderstandings and we got to go through stuff all the time, but it's harmonious in those misunderstandings. I'm going to have to go reevaluate my list. Cause I'm going to have to tell Carlos, um, my, my new number one, Carlos is me. Um, in those misunderstandings. I might have to go re-evaluate my list because I'm going to have to tell Carlos.

My new number one, Carlos, is me. I'm too codependent for that. It's not happening. It's not about like me being there. I'm messing with you. But no, I joke because I actually think it's beautiful and I think it's something that should be taught more. And I think I unconsciously know how to do that already. But I think the language that you provide in that

is what is why I just said, amen. More people how to do that already but i think the language that you provide in that is what is why why i just said amen that need more people need to hear that is because that is such a powerful thing to be able to admit to someone else that my health and who i am is a priority and i think it's beautiful because it just sets the tone i and you and i now are in a healthy relationship you know we're both praying that we continue to grow with this person, um, the people that we're with, but at least it's healthy where we're at because of the fact that we've made the choice to be honest and direct about what our foundation is. Absolutely. I hope you enjoyed today's episode and it inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full rundown of today's episode with all the important links. And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me personally, as well as ad-free listening, then make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel exclusively on Apple Podcasts.

Share this with a friend on social media and leave us a review on Apple Podcasts as well. Let me know what you enjoyed about this episode in that review. I really love hearing feedback from you. And it helps us figure out how we can support and serve you moving forward. And I want to remind you, if no one has told you lately, that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter. And now it's time to go out there and do something great.