The School of Greatness - Everything We’ve Learned About LOVE (Live Audience Q&A + A SURPRISE!) | Martha Higareda

Episode Date: January 1, 2024

HAPPY NEW YEAR! Get ready for an incredibly personal and heartwarming episode of The School of Greatness Podcast, recorded LIVE at The Summit of Greatness 2023. In this special moment, Martha Higareda and Lewis Howes share the stage for the first time, and their candid conversation about love and relationships is one for the books. Stay tuned until the end, there’s an unforgettable surprise you won't want to miss!Don’t miss the action at SUMMIT 2024 – buy your tickets TODAY at https://lewishowes.com/tickets and use promo code GREATNESS for 20% off at checkout.In this episode you will learnWhy so many women face challenges in love and relationships, and how can they overcome them.The complex feelings of wanting to leave a relationship but feeling stuck, and how to break away from an unhealthy relationship.Martha "BALANCED" acronym for love and relationships, and how this has helped shape Martha & Lewis’s relationship.Discover why choosing someone based on their potential may not be the best approach.Differentiate between accepting someone for who they are and trying to change them. Learn how to build a healthy, conscious relationship based on acceptance and the fundamentals of a thriving partnership.For more information go to www.lewishowes.com/1554For more Greatness text PODCAST to [phone]More SOG episodes on relationships and communication we think you’ll love:Vanessa Van Edwards: https://link.chtbl.com/1231-podDr. Ramani Durvasula: https://link.chtbl.com/1195-pod & https://link.chtbl.com/1196-podLori Gottlieb: https://link.chtbl.com/1191-pod

My friend, 2024 is your year to become the greatest version of yourself. And I want to share with you three key ways to build, sustain, and elevate momentum toward your goals this year. Number one, surround yourself with like-minded individuals who will promote your growth and make sure you choose your circle wisely. And anyone that listens to this show, you know they're a good person to keep around. Number two, invest your money in your own personal growth. This helps raise the stakes.

It helps you hold yourself accountable to stick to your dreams. And remember, you pay attention to what you pay for. And number three, plan ahead. Before the year gets ahead of you, commit to putting yourself in environments that will transform you, that will develop and grow you. And I've got one place in mind that I know will catapult you forward in 2024. And this year, we're moving our annual community event, the Summit of Greatness, to sunny Los Angeles. And I don't want you to miss out on this electrifying experience. You'll surround yourself with other conscious achievers. You'll learn from world-class leaders and speakers and watch the magic that unfolds around you. If you're ready to join us for the first ever Summit of Greatness in Los Angeles,

then visit lewishouse.com slash tickets. And to save 20% off on your tickets, enter code California at checkout. Again, go to lewishouse.com slash tickets and use California at checkout to save 20% off. I did have one final question that I want to ask. And I actually have never asked this question to anyone in 10 years of my podcast i wanted to ask you i was curious welcome to the school of greatness my name is lewises, a former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur. And each week we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class

begin. Grateful for you guys to be here. We've got a special, special conversation I'm grateful for you guys for being here. We've got a special conversation I'm about to have with someone that I think you guys probably like more than me. And I'm excited to talk about everything that I've learned over the last few years with her. So with that, let's make sure to give her a lot of love after we cue this video. Okay, we're going to sit up here. Okay. We're going to bring us chairs. I, we're gonna sit up here. Okay. We're gonna bring us chairs. I think they're supposed to bring us some chairs, so...

Oh, my God. While they do. That's so beautiful. We'll put the chairs right here. I'm so emotional. Oh, I love you, too. All right. Are we center? Hold on, let me get us center stage. Here, come over here. Okay. I love you too. All right.

We center, hold on, let me get a center stage here. Come over here. Okay. All right, this is a first of Summit of Greatness. I've never had a conversation, me personally, about relationships or love. One, because I feel like I have so much to learn still. We don't have kids, we're not married, none of these things, but we've been together for a few

years, and we decided after a bunch of different, let's call it interesting relationships we've had, we decided we both wanted to try something different with each other, and I was like, this is going to be a complete experiment, and it could fail, or it could be an incredible, beautiful experience together. And when I met Martha, it was a little over two years ago, we met in a very unique way that I said to myself, ah, crap. Because I said to myself, I met her at a time where I didn't want to be in a relationship. Does anyone remember those times where, like, I don't want to be in a relationship in my life right now? And then you meet someone, you're like, damn it, I didn't want to meet someone and be in a relationship. But I met her and there should be a slide in a second. I don't see it on

the screen here, but I think our team has it in the background, a photo. I met her and yeah, you can put that up. If you guys want to put that up, that's fine. I met her and you're not going to be able to really, maybe you can see what this is. Yeah. So I met her and my phone screen, which I showed you earlier, when I met her, I picked her up and we went to a restaurant and my phone was sitting there and that light, that photo popped on kind of right in the middle console. We were sitting like this, right? I'm driving her to dinner, and it pops up, and I see that she looks down and sees it. It's during, you know, it's darker out. It's like seven o'clock, so there's no light, so she sees it.

It's like flash, and I go really quickly. I go, we had just met five minutes prior to this, and I go, oh, that's, that's, I don't have a kid or anything, you know. I was like, this is not my son, And I go, oh, that's, I don't have a kid or anything. You know, I was like, this is not my son. And she goes, are you healing the inner child? And so right away she kind of understood what this was because I was going through therapy. I was going through a healing of old memories so that I could remember the future and step into that future self. And she goes, oh, I know what this is because I have this on my phone right now.

And so she had it on her, she didn't have her iPhone with her, but she had her laptop or her iPad, and she showed me the photo of her younger self on there. And so that entire first night we met, we were talking about, you know, healing and therapy and, you know know consciousness and vision for relationships that we both wanted to explore and step into and so it was a really unique experience to meet someone right away who had a similar history of i guess relationships that weren't living up to what they what we had expected i right? Not to blame or make wrong of anyone for either side of us, but just, okay, it wasn't what was expected. And what was missing from us, really,

and why they didn't work out was the things that we were reflecting on individually. Not blaming, but taking responsibility. And it's been a beautiful journey because after a few months of us hanging out and I guess dating, I said, listen, would you be open to doing therapy when we get committed? If we get committed in a relationship, would you be open to doing therapy from the beginning? And I was kind of worried.

I was like, maybe she's like, this guy's weird and I'm not going to do it. But right away, she was like, yes, actually, I wanted to suggest that for us. And so she was already like thinking about it. And right away, she was like, yes, actually, I wanted to suggest that for us. And so she was already, like, thinking about it. And I said, this might feel and sound weird, like who enters a relationship in therapy, but we're not entering for the reasons most people go to therapy. We're entering because we wanted to create

conscious values together. We wanted to create ground rules together. We wanted to create agreements together. We wanted to create ground rules together. We wanted to create agreements together. We wanted to create better communication from the beginning together, as opposed to assuming and resentfulness or whatever it might be. And so I was just like, I'm in a whole experiment phase,

and I don't care if this feels weird or it takes too much time, but we ended up going for a long time. And we would go going, you know, for a long time, you know, and we would go for like five, six, seven, eight hour sessions on Saturdays. While everything was amazing. It's like there was nothing wrong in the relationship in the beginning. We were just, how can we expand to set ourselves up for more success? Now that might sound extreme or sound like a lot of work or sound like, oh man, but shouldn't it just be like this easy thing? It was easy and it feels effortless because we made conscious communication and agreements a part of our foundation as opposed to waiting

two, three, four, five years and being like, why do you do this? And why did this happen? And why did whatever it might be? So it's been a beautiful journey and I'm so grateful for you I love you very much I'm glad that you're here to to talk about this and and we and I and I did a first was it this year or last year when you came on the podcast it was I think it was this year yeah I never the beginning of the had anyone that I'd been in a relationship on on my show. And so it was the first time I felt like safe to have someone I was in a relationship with on the show. And so many of you and all the women on my team said, we need to have Martha talk more about the things that she's learned as a woman in relationships. Because all these comments, all these women that are struggling in relationships love the interview.

Every woman on my team was like, please, we want to hear more from Martha. And so I'm so glad you're here and I'm excited to talk about this because you have so much wisdom. I don't know anyone else besides me who does as much therapy as her. And she's like a dedicated student to understanding herself, her mind, and other people constantly. She's got coaches. She's reading books. She's doing meditations. I thought I was obsessed with this stuff, but she's a whole nother level. So it's amazing to have someone who thinks this way as well. So I'm just very grateful for you. I love you and thank you for being here. I love you so much. Thank you.

Thank you so much, Jess. I wanted to ask you. Can I share something with them? Sure. The way we met was very beautiful and very spiritual. And we dove right into talking about for some reason we've lived very similar lessons throughout the years. And it was really really really spiritual and

however i was i was in tulum and for some strange reason they closed everything that night in tulum and i was heading back to because i was thinking well you know the night just started we went to a beautiful restaurant we were it was amazing because i don't know why people like took out these like fireworks it was just like they like celebrated us in the, it was amazing because I don't know why people like took out these like fireworks. It was just like... They like celebrated us in the restaurant. It was really fascinating. Now for those who don't know Martha, who don't know who she is, she's a famous celebrity in Mexico, in her country and so anywhere we go, anywhere we go she's being celebrated. But it felt like they were celebrating us, which was cool. I'm like there, I'm experiencing it. There's fireworks in the restaurant. People are dancing in front of us.

They brought all the food out, like the sample, everything. And I was like, oh, I could get used to this. So I'm like, let's go to Mexico more often. Right. You know? And it was beautiful. And then I thought, okay, well, we, I mean, we just literally, they closed the restaurant 40 minutes later. I was like, where do we go? I was like, I'm not going to have him in my apartment because I just met him. I don't know. No, I mean, I didn't know. It's pretty enrolling, though, you know?

So then I thought, well, the easiest thing to do is to go to my condo where I live, and I have my neighbors. Meanwhile, I'm texting my neighbors, hey, I'm coming to my condo with some random guy. I didn't know who he was. Well, he wasn't random. Well, first off, she knew who I was.

She had been following me and stalking me for months. Oh, stalking me. She started following me. She was obsessed with the interviews and the podcast. She saw one interview, and she was like, oh. She saw one interview and she was like, oh, she saw an interview with Dr. Joe Spenza and she was working on meditation stuff with him and she saw the interview and was like,

who's that guy, you know? And I followed you on Instagram. And but then because I didn't, like, you know, in Instagram it just shows you the algorithm when you like a bunch of stuff. So I just followed him. So then the algorithm never showed me his content again. And like two years later or something like that?

No, not two years later. A year later? I don't know. Six months later or something. Something like that. Anyway, what I was going to share. We don't have to get into all that yet. What I was going to share is that we, you know, I'm texting, you'm texting my neighbors like, hey, I'm coming.

So I thought I got to be in a public place because I'm not going to have him in my apartment. So I decided, let's go to the pool. And guys, if a girl asks you to come back to her pool at midnight, I mean, we're not going go there, it's okay. Anyways, this isn't about how the whole thing started. What I want to talk about is really, why do you think women struggle a lot? I feel like this is, I mean, I'm doing a lot of relationship content on our show and it's just the comments are crazy because I feel like a lot of women have been struggling

with the idea of love, romance, you know, happily ever after. Whatever our society has told us or taught us about love, why do you feel like a lot of women struggle in love and in relationships? How did you struggle and how did you overcome that over these last kind of few years in

your own practice and studies? Yeah. Well, I, you know, in my country I do a lot of romantic comedies. And I write them. And I produce them with my family that are here and my mom and dad are right here. I want to say something that my parents are just about to be 42 years together. Wow, 42 years married.

Wow, that's amazing. And although I was being very successful in all these movies that are romantic comedies, in my personal romantic life, my personal romantic life sucked. It was really bad. That sounds like a great start to a romance comedy. Totally. Totally. It's almost like nobody gave me the memo, although my parents have been telling me all my life, but sometimes you don't listen to your parents.

And the older I get, the more I realize mom and dad were always right. But I just felt like nobody gave me that memo, or I just didn't know how to go about it and read it really well and really apply it. So I was suffering a lot in love and four years before we met I'd come from I broken up with a relationship that lasted seven years and I remember being very sad actually very depressed and thinking I'm just gonna give up like how like what is this thing about love and I remember that you know after I went through the breakup I was the kind of people that immediately I was thinking oh I gotta

have my heart filled again so where's my guy and I was in the look for like where's my guy and I remember in LA because I like, where's my guy? And I remember in LA, because I like salsa, I went out to this salsa place after this horrible breakup. I was like, okay, I think it's time now. I think I'm ready. I hadn't done at that time any therapy, any anything. And I remember being at this place and just looking around. And I remember this guy approaching me.

And I thought, thought oh you know there he comes and I saw him in slow motion and he came towards me and I was like oh my god you know I've been dating for seven years so I didn't remember what it was to be out in the world and when this guy approaches me he passes me and hits my show damn this other, I remember seeing this guy, he was very short, very Latino with like a mustache. And he was dancing this woman that was taller than him. The boobs of the woman were like up to his face, I remember.

And dancing and laughing, and I'm like, my God. And then they leave together, they're kissing. I'm like, wow my God. And then they leave together, they're kissing, I'm like, oh wow, you know? How is it that they figure it out and I haven't figured it out? You know, they're having a blast and I don't know what's going on. And I went to a Dr. Joe Dispenza

and for those who have been there, there's this beautiful exercise he gives in which you can meditate about what you want and you create a symbol. And when you create that symbol, you close your eyes and you find the symbol and you meditate about it. And I created my symbol. And then you let it go and see if the universe will bring you that. bring you that. And because I thought I was ready, immediately after that, I entered a relationship with a person that sadly was diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder. So that relationship was even worse. And I realized after a horrible breakup that two things happened. I remember being inside of this bathroom, this other person yelling and hitting the

door, and me worried that I was going to be physically in danger. And I thought, at the same time I thought, I need to leave, I thought, why is it that I can't leave? and That brought me into a journey that finally obviously I ended up leaving Yeah, I feel like a lot of women have that Oh similar type of experience Maybe it's not a physical screaming, but it's some type they feel like they can't leave But they know they want to leave. Yeah. Yes. Why is that? Yes, yes. Why is that?

I think it's a combination of three different things. One, I saw this line in a movie actually that it says, everyone has the love that they think, not think, everyone has the love that they believe they deserve. And when I was in this bathroom bathroom really literally afraid of my physical health I thought what are my beliefs do I believe I deserve this and if I do therefore I have it it's right here and so I after you know, left that relationship that took me on a journey to find out what was wrong with me. And I realized that some of the romantic comedies and these romantic movies and the princess movies, they're great. They're fantasies.

They're not the real life. But in some way, they program ourselves to believe that that is what love is. Meaning the beauty and the beast. It's a great story, it's a beautiful story. I love these type of stories. They're great. They're for children. But when you stay with your abuser.

Yes. So the beauty is a woman that is helpless it's it's literally entrapped imprisoned by this beast but she has the task that she's gonna find out what's good in him and show it to him and bringing out of him and fix him in order to find love. No one here knows about wanting to fix any guys, do they? I mean, we tried in a way to fix our partners in the past. That's the truth. Although we were being very inspirational to them, in reality, we were trying to fix

them. We weren't accepting. We were not accepting who they were. And so in a way, you are programmed to believe that that is love. And the other thing is that I have my parents are right here and they're beautiful and they're a wonderful couple. The way they have grown together as a couple is absolutely inspirational for me. And there were moments in my childhood in which we are Latino family. So very joyful moments and

at times both of them and they would say today they're explosive, not as much anymore, but they used to be and this mix of joy and explosiveness I kind of thought oh that's what love is right so then therefore was attracting people passion yes passion the chemistry the explosion you know and so you start attracting people that is similar to the way you grew up, in a way. Your perception of the way you grew up, which I think is very important. The memory. You know, because it's interesting. I sit down with all of my siblings, and we can have very different memories of the same moment. So it depends on how we encapture and encapsulate that moment in our psyche.

And so that took me on a journey with therapy to go and visit the five inner child wounds, which I did. And I also am very grateful for my parents because at the time I sold my house in L.A. So I was coming back. I was homeless. I went back to living with my parents. I don't remember how old I was, but like up in my 30s. And it was great because I got to have the opportunity to go for long walks with both of them to become an adult.

And the reason why I say this is because becoming an adult is to have the perspective of not a child anymore. All of these memories we hold dear to us. My dad left. It was horrible. I felt abandoned. You know, whatever the story is, because it is true. It's your story. But when you get the chance to look at it with a different lens, with the lens of your adulthood, and if you get a chance to talk to your parents or write them a letter, even if you never give it to them,

it's okay. And understand from their perspective what they were going through is when you become an adult. And you realize, oh, they had hard times, and they were doing the best they could with the tools they had at that time. they had at that time. And if it wasn't for them, I wouldn't be the woman I am today.

And for everybody, in every circumstance, with every parent we've had. I know you have learned a ton. We talk about this stuff like every night. We're always talking about these things. But you created an acronym about kind of your perspective on love and relationships. I'd love to hear what this acronym is for creating kind of a balanced, healthy, conscious relationship based on challenges you've been through and where we're at now. Yes. So my acronym is the word balanced. And balanced with triple C, actually. We'll go into

it. But it's not passion or chemistry. It's not passion. It's not chemistry. No, no. You know, that's the other thing because because I think chemistry is Extremely overrated it should be valued because I think it's important, but it's extremely overrated because What chemistry does and this is why they say love is blind is because it really gets in the front of your head Creates of these chemicals and you're not able to see the person as who they really are. It's true. You're feeling these chemicals, and you think you like the person, but you're actually,

what you're liking is the chemical reaction that person is creating in you. You don't know this person. How can you really like them or love them? So that's why I'm a firm believer in the advice that my parents always told me, which is spend time getting to know the other person. And everything that comes your way is just information. You don't try to add to it, make them more, you know, amazing that they really are, and also you don't try to delete all the little things

and little red flags that you're seeing. Everything is information. And you don't, what I've heard you talk about is not choosing to be with someone based on potential. No, no, no, no. Why not? Because then you're basically gonna spend a lot of time to try to mold them and make them or encourage them into becoming that potential.

But every person is just living their own life. Nobody wants to be changed. You know, saying to a person you should do this, you should do that. Nobody likes that. I guess it's different if you're seeing that someone's taking their own actions and they're becoming something. Yes, that's different. Then you can be inspired by that potential. Yeah. But if you're like, well, they're so good, but they could be so much more, but they're not taking any actions to show it, then that's not the same. And that's why I think the key of what you just said

is if you're already seeing they're taking action. The problem is if they're not taking action, but you are the one seeing that they could take the action, you're going to start saying, hey, do this, do that, do that. And at the end of the day, that creates a dynamic that is like this. You telling this person that they should be different. And that creates a lot of resentment from the other person and a lot of resentment on yourself because you're trying really hard to change them. Right, right. One of the things that, you know, before you get into your acronym, which I know I think is really powerful,

we've read so many books together, I'll talk about some of this, we've done so many different things together which has been really cool, but one of the things that we talked about before we got, you know, committed to one another, we spent many months together, so much time together before we got committed, I made a conscious decision, and I think you did as well that we were going to choose to accept the person for who they were in that moment and what we've experienced and saying okay if this is who you are i choose to accept you it doesn't mean i'm not going to get frustrated or be you know have some aggravations here and there but choosing to accept and love you for this

person that i'm experiencing and let stuff go. Like just not let other things affect me. Yeah. That takes a lot of work for me to continue to grow and a lot of work for you to continue to grow to accept one another. So it's been, um, but having that and feeling like I can be a hundred percent who I am is the greatest peace and freedom I've ever experienced in my life. Me too for me. And I'm sure for you,. Like, I told her before this day, I said, listen, if we're going to choose to commit to one another, I said, I'm never going to get angry at you. And I don't think I have. Maybe I've gotten, you know, a little frustrated, but I haven't gotten angry at you in over

two years. No. I mean, call me out if I am. No, you haven't. I've gotten maybe frustrated or I've been tired or I've been, you know, whatever, not my best self, but I'm not getting angry at you. No. And hopefully I never do get angry at you,

but I made that commitment. I was like, I am going to accept you. You know, as long as we're living into the agreements that we've agreed to, with flexibility, with, you know, patience, then I should have no reason to be angry at you, because I've gotten to know you up to this point of who you are. I've seen so much of you, probably 90% of your personality I got to witness in multiple months of tons of time and

trips and traveling and all these things we went to. I was like, okay, I've seen a lot of your personality. Obviously, I don't know everything about you, but we knew a lot about each other. And I was like, okay, if this is who you are, then there's no reason for me to get angry. Unless you start not acting this way and you act like a completely different person, I'm going to accept you and never get angry at you because there's no reason for me to. And hopefully that makes you feel at peace because it makes me feel very at peace and I know and I said and that's my one thing I need you to accept and love me because if I'm going to give that to you I don't want someone getting angry at me or

reactive or frustrated it doesn't work for me yeah and so it was a mutual agreement and understanding from the beginning and again I was like it doesn't mean you can't be frustrated or let down or sad or disappointed. You can have emotions and feel things, but lashing out on me doesn't make sense if we're trying to create a value system of conscious relationship. For me, it didn't make sense because I'd had that so many times in the past and I didn't like it. So I'd rather be alone and single and peace in my own space than be on eggshells, wondering

when is someone going to be unhappy with me or react to me or whatever. So it's been a beautiful experience. I'm very grateful for you for that. But I don't know if a lot of people have learned how to do that. So what is this balanced acronym? Oh, yeah. So okay. I think this is very important. I mean, at least it was for me.

And it is for me. One of them, so I said it's balanced, right? So the B, which is super important, is be yourself. A lot of the times when we meet someone new, we are trying to mold ourselves to who they are and or just show the best version of yourself all the time, the whole time or that, you know, things like that. Just be yourself. And in order for you to be yourself and your authentic self, get to know yourself. And getting to know yourself also takes the exercise of knowing how do you like to be loved and how you like to love.

And we got very fortunate because early on we went through so many different exercises on our love languages. Yeah. I don't know if it was like just synchronicities or timing, but we have the exact same order of love language. Yes, they got. synchronicities or timing, but we have the exact same order of love language, meaning what I like to give, I also like to receive, and she likes to give and receive as well. So I'm not really a gift person. If she buys me a gift, I'm like, thank you, but it's not like, oh, it makes me feel so

loved and so warm and I feel so appreciated and seen. It's like, I'm cool, but I can buy this myself. You know, I kind of have that mentality. I'm like, okay, cool, but it doesn't make me feel loved. But touch and affirmations, you know, and words of affirmation, like I'm doing that with you all day and you're doing that with me, and I'm like, man, I feel really loved. So I don't have to work harder to make you feel loved.

And you don't have to work harder to make you feel loved and you don't have to work harder to make me feel loved or get do something that you normally don't do authentically yeah and i think that alignment has been really helpful and i'm not saying it's what has to happen but it's been really helpful for me and for yeah it's been really helpful and even if we didn't have the same love languages because maybe some people here say wait wait a second we don't have the same love languages we do and this is great mom and dad they have it too they have words of affirmation with each other and acts of service with each other and but if you have different ones you can have the conversation and then do the things that you know for the other person will make

them feel loved exactly and then vice versa vice versa. Exactly. So that's the B. So the B is be your authentic self. The A is so important, which we touched a little bit on this, is acceptance. It's so important to accept the other person, which is why it's important to take your time to get to know them, because you're going to see if the things that you hold as your values, as your vision, and as your lifestyle matches with the values, which is so important, of the other person and their vision. Yeah. And also the lifestyle. We did a lot of exercises early on about our values and our vision.

Yeah. We actually went to a location and we did a whole meditation process where i said listen i want you to write your values and i'm going to write my values we're not going to let each other see them until after we both complete it because i wanted to see if we're in alignment or if we're completely off on things not not meaning it wouldn't work out but we'd have to come to an agreement on alignment yeah and we had so many things in alignment based on this exercise where I was like okay she's not just writing something down because she knows I wrote it down and vice versa she's not doing something because she wants to impress me

she's just you were just writing down what your values were and that was just another helpful exercise I think for both of us yeah okay maybe those three things are my values but I'm not against those things. And same thing for you. It's like, okay, he really values this. It's not really for you, but you're not against it. It's not against your values. It actually enriches my life and vice versa.

And a lot of them were very similar values. It was a beautiful exercise that I recommend to everybody, even if you are already together. Just write it. Do the exercise. Separate from each other, what are your values, and share. We did an eight-hour therapy session on a Saturday one time together and it's kind of crazy but it's also extremely powerful on all the different exercises that we did and we learned more and more about each other even though we were doing these exercises together it was powerful to have a third party who had been seasoned in these things to support us

and in any disagreements we might have because we do have disagreements but they don't become arguments because we create conscious conversations to form new agreements around a disagreement yeah and that allows us to have more peace and harmony as opposed to resentment so it's beautiful what you're talking about with yeah i think acceptance is very important because of the changing thing that we just talked about most people don't want to be changed by the other person so i just accept the person for who they are and where they are. Exactly. I think that's very important.

And the L from balance is laughter. I think laughter, joy, sexiness. Like anything that you guys enjoy together. That's why I said laughter and joy. I'm curating this, all of this for Harper. I think that's important. Laughter, joy, appreciation with each other, having these moments, I think, you know, I don't think anyone's going to disagree with that.

The other A, which I think is extremely important, is allowance. What do you mean by allowance? Allowing someone to do whatever they want at any moment, at any time? No, I think allowance has to do with flexibility. Like allowing the person to make mistakes. Sometimes we get into, when you're in relationships, you get into silly arguments because somebody made just a tiny mistake and you're like, ah, how come you didn't take out the dogs?

And I don't know, well, I just forgot. And that's okay. Like allowance, have the allowance. So I don't have to be perfect all the time? You don't have to be perfect all the time, no. And also because I am living my human experience, and Luis is living his human experience and we're just sharing it with each other.

So if in your human experience there's something that happens to you, you're just living your life and I'm here for you and next to you and you're allowed to be. It's the allowance also of having freedom. Freedom. In the relationship. Within the relationship also of having freedom. Freedom. In the relationship. Within the relationship. I think it's important. The other day you came home and I saw this Jiu Jitsu suit, outfit. And I'm like, oh, it looks like he's getting into Jiu Jitsu now. He's like, yeah, I'm going to get into Jiu Jitsu. Oh, what if your ears go into the, if he wants to turn his ears into broccoli

or whatever, Brussels sprouts. I'm like, that's his life. It's good. He's living his life. Broccoli? I don't know, whatever. Cauliflower, what, cauliflower ears? I don't know how you call them.

I just think it's a vegetable. Vegetable. Who wants to turn his ears into carrots and asparagus? Like a salad? I'm going to love you. It's your life. We're sharing it with each other. So anybody's allowed.

Sometimes, well, you know, I want to go on this trip with the guys. Go on the trip with the guys if that's something you need. And I'm sure he's okay with me going on a trip with the girls. Sometimes we get stuck in these little things because they make us feel unsafe. And so the more we feel unsafe, we want to have these parameters to create safety, but in reality it starts creating a cage.

You start building a cage. And I don't know if this has been helpful for you, but I think it might, I don't want to assume has been helpful for you, but I think it might. I don't want to assume, but I told you in the beginning, I was like, I have zero jealousy. I don't care who you talk to, who you hang out with. I trust you as a human being, as an adult, to have conscious conversations and to be at events. You're on set.

You do scenes with men who are half naked. You do all these different things in movies, right? I'm like, you, I've, and also I looked at your history, right? She's done over 40 movies plus. She's, I'm like Harper. She's, I'm my dad. She's, you know, but she's done, you know, romance scenes in movies where she's with other men and kissing and all these different things. And I remember asking myself, okay, this is who this woman has been. And am I okay if she, because I have a good buddy of mine who was married and now divorced to an actress. And I remember we were, it was a huge issue when she had a movie come out with a kissing scene and it like ruined him.

And he had to leave the room when like the whole thing happened. When the scene was coming up, he had to leave. He couldn't like, he could not deal with it. It wrecked him. And I remember saying, okay, would this affect me if this happens in the future or if she's out at events or if guys are hitting on her, she's had lots of them you know wealthy successful rich famous guys hitting on her and I said would I be jealous and for whatever reason all the work that I had done I was like I'm not gonna be jealous at all and I made a decision and I don't think I have been since I've met you I don't think there's been any moment I was like where'd you go tonight?

Were you with some guy? Who is that guy? What are you doing? Or questioning anything that you're doing. Because we both know that if I did something out of integrity or you did something out of integrity, we would have to live with that. And we would suffer more than the other person with that. And eventually we would find out. person with that and eventually we would find out and when we find out eventually whether it's that day six months three years later we'll resolve it however we want to resolve it and life will go on

yeah so why being jealous like it's not going to serve you and it's not going to serve me so i let that go before i met you and it's been an amazing thing for me. It probably makes you feel like there's an allowance, like I'm allowing of you to be yourself and trusting. Does that help you? It helps me so much. And you know, recently I was having a conversation with a friend of ours and she was saying, Marta, but like he can go on tour and promoting his book. You don't know what could happen. I can go to my movies, and he cannot know what could happen. And she was like, aren't you like, doesn't that make you nervous? And I said to her, it goes back to who the person is when you get to know them and what their values are. I know Lewis's values.

I know his life lessons. I know the things he has learned. I know he made a pact with himself of integrity. And I know if any of us is unintegrous, it's a betrayal to our own self-esteem and our own self-love and to the relationship, but to the chorus, to, you know, the person who's doing it. And so again, he's living his life and I'm living my life and we are choosing to share it. And I don't know, I feel very happy and very grateful for the allowance and the freedom to continue to live my life. If he was to say, you know you know yeah I want to be with you but I want you to change your profession right that'd be very hard that I would feel he's not accepting me

right I shouldn't be with you if I want you to change something about you yeah so I had to accept okay this is who you are maybe you do something different in the future but let me believe you're going to continue doing this. Yeah. Can I be okay with that? Yeah. Does that work for me? And it does. Yeah. So, um, so I think allowance is important. Allowance is flexibility. Also having flexibility within the relationship. The N is nurture. Um, and nurture is not only about nurturing each other. Obviously we do. We're very affectionate with each other.

We really are very affectionate. We're very affectionate with each other. I have like a barrier. I feel like we should have got a couch. I know. The other thing is I think it's not only about the nurture, it's also about having a nurturing life. So I see it with my parents. They have nurture with each other in their love languages,

and each of them have a very nurturing life. Like my dad has changed professions probably ten times. We had a pet shop at one time. We had arcades at a different time. He wanted to be a doctor and helping people healing and now he's on Bitcoin trading. And so I think it's just very important to have a nurturing life because then I go on my adventures and I come home and I share with Louis. He goes on his adventures like today and yesterday, the day before. All of this, the preparation for this event is an adventure. And he tells me what, who he met, who he talked to, what impacted him. I share with him. So we both have a nurturing life that we share with each other.

So I think that's also very important. The next one is the C's, which is commitment. And I think this is important. The commitment to the vision we've created for the relationship. I think creating a vision together of the relationship, even if you've been together already for many years, sit down, create a vision. I think this is something we've learned. It's beautiful that we, you know, we have our values and we have a vision. A business

has that. I think a relationship should have that as well to see where we're going and what we stand for. Yes. So it's beautiful yeah the other thing is compassion I think having compassion is very important especially when you're seeing one of your partners getting frustrated and it's going into you know frustrating moment if you can stop for a second and look at them and look at their inner child when somebody is having a breakdown and when somebody is being vulnerable,

the thing that happens immediately is you go back to being a child. That's the truth. Anytime I am extremely vulnerable, I know I go back to being that little girl. And when I've seen you being vulnerable, you go back to being that little kid. So it's important to have each other.

At least one of you at that moment can be the person that's saying, hey, I'm right here for you. It's okay. And so compassion goes a long way all the time. I was going to share a story that happens with Latinos families, you know. One time I saw my dad was really angry at my brother who's sitting somewhere over there. the time. I was going to share a story that happens with Latino families, you know, in that one time I saw my dad was really angry at my brother who's sitting somewhere over there. And we have, we are from the south of Mexico, so it's tropical, it's mosquitoes, there's bananas, there's papayas, there's flip-flops. And if there's a superpower that all grandmas and moms have, it's the superpower of the flip-flop.

And mom was chasing around my brother with this flip-flop. Australians have boomerangs. We have flip-flops. We were all watching, and she was angry at the beginning, and my brother was running like afraid, and he started going into laughter because he couldn't believe this was happening. And my mom is going into laughter too, but they're still chasing each other. And we're all watching this and the whole thing became fun.

So if we could have compassion for our partners the same way. Oh, they're getting angry. Maybe it looks like a temper tantrum. If this is part of you, they kind of can giggle a little bit inside. Or if you have the time later to laugh at it and say, you remember when you did that thing? Oh, my God! And laugh about it. I think that's very important,

is having compassion with each other. The other one was just the other C, and I'm gonna finish very quickly. It's being curious. I think when you approach a conversation with curiosity, you avoid an argument. Why is it that most of the time we have the inclination to think of the worst-case scenario or that that person that did something to you and this goes for any partnership also but also anybody was

Machiavellian planning behind your back to hurt you? Yeah, something you do really well is you assume that I'm doing the best. You assume like, oh, I didn't mean to say that to hurt you. I didn't mean to do this thing to upset you. So before I get upset or hurt, let me ask you more curious questions. You do a great job at that. You do too. It doesn't make me feel like I'm on eggshells.

I can still be myself. I never say to myself, what can I say today to make her really upset, to scream at me, to go run away? I never think that. It's not my intention. You do a great job of asking those questions. You're like, huh, that didn't sound like you meant to say that. What does that mean?

Also because, again, we are both living our life so I'm going to share this the other day we were I'm trying to remember what we were doing but we were at a fair and there was this cornhole thing and I said to Lewis Lewis can you hold this we finally found a cornhole available we're going to play with the family can you can you keep it and so he was there and kind of like was throwing the thing. I run, get my family together. It's a whole ordeal because we're so many. We finally get there. Well, first off, it takes 15 minutes to gather them all because there's so many of them. So I'm there and I'm like, all right, I'm like getting tired here, bored. So by the time I left, I arrived with my family. It was taken already by somebody else and Louis was eating an ice cream. It was taken already by somebody else and Louis was eating an ice cream

And I thought to myself I have two options Either I get upset or I think this is so curious. What is this being doing? Eating an ice cream of that ice cream And I'm like, well, yeah for sure. He wanted ice cream. He just thought what he was doing. But have that little playfulness inside of you. I think it's important, right? Yes. Anyway, so then you're curious about who this person is and what are they doing. The next one is the letter E, which is for the word balanced, which is education. Education. Education.

So it's important to educate yourself about who your partner is, what are their inner child wounds, what are the things that they lived, in which ways they were hurt. Their past. Their past, their struggles. past their past their struggles to also have that compassion to understand them and also to have the care to remember certain things that could affect them right you know so I know for example for Lewis that if anything gets his key if he gets very tired or if anything gets a little bit chaotic, he needs to take space. I know that.

So I don't take it personally because that has to do with his past and his life. So I am very grateful that you don't get frustrated frequently or anything, but when you do, I'm like, I know he needs to take space. I'm just tired. He's tired. He needs to take space. It's true. It's true. It's true.

It is true. So I think educating yourself about the past of your partner goes also a long way. And then also education means growth. So what we're doing here, we're all growing. And so we, after this weekend, we become a better version of ourselves you know and by becoming a better version of yourself even if your partners didn't come to this when you start changing the environment around you starts changing so that's it i think i think education and the last one but i think should be at the top of it it's's Dios. Dios. Dios.

Dios. What is Dios? Dios means God. It comes from the Latin word Deus. And I think that God is permeating in everything. I think when you are putting two things together like this, it's easily to do this. But when you are doing a braid and you're braiding this thing with God, then it becomes solid and strong and beautiful. I am so grateful for you in my life.

I didn't know, but I trusted that you existed somewhere. And I'm so grateful of all the life lessons. I'm so grateful for your mom that is right here. You have a wonderful son. So I wanna recap this for you. So I want to recap this for you. Balance, be you, acceptance, laughter, allowance, nurture, commitment slash compassion, education, and Dios, God. Right? Yes.

It's beautiful. Martha has like, before, she's a very prepared individual. Yes. She has, like, so many different note cards with all these different, like, puzzles and maps and, you know, all these different things from just a few of the things that she's learned. If you guys want us to do another part three sometime to dive in deeper on this, we really didn't cover as much as she knows, but we just covered a little bit. If you want a part three sometime, just make some noise if you can. I want to say something also. Being with someone like you is really a dream come true. Luis put so much dedication into his self-growth and into his community and he gives and gives and gives and you are a giver and I know all the people here agree that you are receiving a piece of your heart, but if they knew how big your heart is.

And I want to tell you that I'm so grateful for your uniqueness. And that I know many times growing up, you grew up with the perspective that you probably were not enough. But you are enough. More than enough. I you, Mamawati. More than enough.

Mamawati's a man. Martha is going to be around tonight, so if you have questions for her, give her a hug tonight at the closing party. Later tonight you'll be around so you can say hi and ask questions. And for any of the women in the room that want to dive in deeper on her brain on this, make sure to ask her some questions there. But I love you.

Thank you so much. Let's give it up, guys, for Martha. Give it up. Give it up. Give it up. Give it up. Give it up. Oh, actually, I did have one final question that I want to ask.

And I actually have never asked this question to anyone in 10 years of my podcast. I wanted to ask you. I was curious. Oh, my God. Are you there? Oh Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! I love you! I love you so much! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I love you so much!

Oh, my God, I'm in shock! I love you so much! Mama, I'm in shock! Mama, what did you want? Diana! What did you want to say on your best? What did you want to say on your best? What did you want to say on your best? I Oh my God, you guys are great! I know my love's gone I'll hunger, hunger for your touch

Oh Lord, only time And time goes by so slowly And time can do so much for you to mourn I need your love I, I, I need your love Your love When you help me to yell at myself from the back and yourself from the back

Oh my God It's so beautiful It's so beautiful. It's so beautiful. I love you. I'm sorry, I'm in shock. But Martha asked me to... Martha, thank you. Martha said she wanted me to do something for her. You can keep the song going.

I like that song. Keep it low. She asked me to ask her to do a favor for her when we were just down there with our families. And before we ask her that, you know, man, this has been surreal. You know, Ohio is my, it's got my heart, it's my home, and I couldn't have thought of any other place to create this moment for ourselves and for our families, and I'm so grateful for everyone that came here.

So thank you guys for creating this moment. Martha has a practice, an exercise that she taught me when we first met. And it's about reconnecting to your younger self in moments when you wanted to go somewhere greater in your life. And she has this exercise where she speaks back to her younger self and she shouts in time back to her younger self and also into her future self. So shout in the future of something she's wanting to create.

Yeah. And then she acknowledges the younger her that took that leap in time into that future self. So what is the thing that you'd like us to do? The thing is... So time, like we learned this weekend, is a construct of our head. Time doesn't really exist. There's a theory that says past, present, and future are all happening at the same time. And so you know those times when you are having a moment

in which you feel your gut, your heart tells you to do something and you take that leap and you do that something, you don't know where that voice is coming from? We created this thing, that and I, in which perhaps that voice is also coming from yourself from the future, that is telling yourself from the past, go for it, take the leap. And so four years ago, I was in a really bad time in my life. I was in a really bad time in my life.

And I just didn't know if I could trust in love again and have that confidence. But I took the leap. And I know there were times in your life that you also were, what is this thing about love? And you make the leap. So can you scream back? Can you help us so we can scream back at ourselves in the past? What are we saying? We're saying, take the leap.

Take the leap. All right. One, two, three. Take the leap! Amazing. One two three I'm gonna be on the music. I'm gonna be on the music. Oh! Thank you, guys. Thank you so much. You guys are amazing. I'm kind of blacking out right now. I don't know if this is normal.

Guys, is this what happens? You kind of black out, you forget everything that happens? What did she say? What'd you say? What did you say? What? I'm sorry. She's blacking out also. What did you say when I asked you?

I said yes! Yes! We have... I'm going to get off the stage here in a second. We're going to be there tonight at the closing party, so that's a time for all of us to celebrate whatever leap we're taking into in our lives. You know what we're going to be celebrating tonight. We have one final video that we're going to show

that is all of you from this weekend. So enjoy this video. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for allowing me to share my heart with you, for allowing this moment to happen. Enjoy this video. We'll see you at the closing party tonight. I love you guys.

Thank you so much. I hope today's episode inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a rundown of today's show with all the important links. And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me, as well as ad-free listening experience, make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel on Apple Podcast. If you enjoyed this, please share it with a friend over on social media or text a friend. Leave us a review over on Apple Podcasts and let me know what you learned over on our social media channels at Lewis Howes. I really

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