The School of Greatness - How to Change Your Limiting Thoughts & Beliefs Around Success, Self-Love & Happiness w/Lilly Singh EP 1250

Episode Date: April 6, 2022

Lilly Singh is a Canadian comedian, actress, former talk show host, and YouTuber. Singh has found worldwide fame through her comedic and inspirational content, amassing nearly 40 million followers across her social media channels alongside projects with NBC, Netflix and other major Hollywood studios via her production company Unicorn Island Productions. She's written a new book, BE A TRIANGLE: How I Went from Being Lost to Getting MY Life into Shape In this episode we discuss:The key to living a fulfilling lifeThe biggest mistake people make with manifestingHow to approach failureHow to value yourself beyond your work For more, go to lewishowes.com/1250Purchase Lilly's new book here: Be A Triangle: How I Went from Being Lost to Getting My Life into Shape Mel Robbins: The “Secret” Mindset Habit to Building Confidence and Overcoming Scarcity: https://link.chtbl.com/970-podDr. Joe Dispenza on Healing the Body and Transforming the Mind: https://link.chtbl.com/826-podMaster Your Mind and Defy the Odds with David Goggins: https://link.chtbl.com/715-pod 

I thought to myself, you have such an extraordinary life. You get to do amazing things. You have a dope career. The fact that you still feel lost and confused and sad was very upsetting to me because I thought, what would have to happen in your life to not feel this way? And what I've included is this. Welcome to the School of Greatness.

My name is Lewis Howes, a former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur. And each week, we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin. Welcome back, everyone, to School of Greatness. Very excited about our guest, the inspiring Lilly Singh in the house.

What up? Good to see you. Thanks for having me back. Greatness. Very excited to have our guest, the inspiring Lilly Singh in the house. What up? Good to see you. Thanks for having me back. Of course. Very excited. You have inspired the world with your creative talents, with your writing, your acting, now voiceover, this book, the videos you make is what you're really known for. But in this book, I got to dive in a little bit already.

In the book, you talk about identity, you talk about hustling, success, depression, lies that you've been telling yourself for a long time, the relationship with yourself, manifesting, the relationship with the universe, all these different things. I'm curious, what was the biggest lie that you feel like you lived or you thought was a real truth, but you realize this is a big lie? Yeah, there's a few that I've subscribed to and that I've been like, hmm, I don't know if that was absolutely correct. And it's always so hard when I get this question because I'm like, was it a lie or did I genuinely believe it at that time? Because I was in a different spot. Of course. The best example I have of this, I think, is for most of my life, I truly believe there was one definition to success. I believe this.

I think it's the way I was raised, maybe the fact that I had immigrant parents that like they had one definition of success. It was you go to work, you work really hard, you get money, you provide for your family. And that is success. OK, I subscribe to that, you know, so I worked hard in school. I wanted to get a good job to make money to then support myself and eventually a family. And so I think even though I don't have the family and I'm still single I really Use just work as my definition of success right awards. Oh, I want an award I remember the first time I want to stream you you don't know what a stream is It's like YouTube associated award for the first time I wanted that Really meant so much to me to the point where I was like

Oh, I am now a more valuable person now because I have this award When I reached milestones of numbers on YouTube, I am now a more valuable person now because I have this award. When I reached milestones of numbers on YouTube, I am now, I add more value now. I am better now as a person because I have a million more people following me. And I hustled a lot and I worked on my professional life a lot and I thought that's what success was. And I believed that for lots of tenures. And I think now I'm in the point in my life where I think that's one definition of success. And I think now I'm in the point in my life where I think that's one definition of success. Because actually when I have a day where I'm really, I make great memories with people, that feels like a success to me now.

It never used to. But now I'm like, no, that actually feels, I made a new friend today. That feels like success. I've redefined what success means to me. Do you feel like it would have been successful if you didn't have 40 plus million followers 40 plus million followers, the awards, the money, the, you know, the TV shows, the New York Times bestselling books? Do you feel like if it was 10, 15 years ago, if you just had a great moment throughout the day where you were connecting with a friend, that would have been success? Absolutely not. A hundred percent. So I think I can be really honest in saying this.

I know this is a little bit of a scary conversation because mental health is so important and rest is so important. I'm of the belief that I had two chapters in my life thus far. One was hustle hard. You can't say no. It doesn't matter if the thing is annoying. You do the thing. It doesn't matter if the gig is free. You do the gig.

Climb the ladder, climb the ladder, climb the ladder. And the reason I climbed the ladder is because I thought one day I will get to a place where I can call the shots and I can do what makes me happy. But the issue is you get so caught up in the climb and you get so caught up in this race that you forget that was ever the goal to begin with. So I think I've recently recognized that actually you don't need to do all this anymore. There was a time and place for that, but you can actually find joy. You can actually say no to things that are not exciting to you. You can make those, and this is a very

privileged conversation I'm aware, but I think a lot of us have earned that privilege. We don't exercise it though. Do you think you would have been able to find joy? If you would have known this, let's say your body knew this, do you think you would have been able to do this before you accomplished though? No way. No way. So you had to experience this. You have to go through a certain amount of torture. I believe, I really believe that. You have to like, and a lot of how I learned this was I had two seasons of a late night show and Yes. And I've talked about this a lot. And this was a big deal. It was a big deal.

This was a massive moment. I remember the announcement. It was like Fallon and. Yeah. It was a whole thing. It was a big thing. I'll be honest. And what did that teach you?

Well, I'll tell you right now. I'll be honest. So a lot of people have asked, what was your reaction when you got that call from NBC? And I think for a couple of years, I kind of lied. To be honest, I was like, oh, I was so excited. And of course I said yes. The truth is I actually said no first. A lot of people don't know this.

I said no because I never grew up with late night. I never had a dream to be a late night host. That wasn't necessarily exciting to me. But then so many people said to me, this could be historic. It's been over 30 years since there's been a woman, a woman of color, even longer, someone who's South Asian the first time ever. And so there was a little bit of ego there where I thought, I want to, of course, be part of this epic moment. But there was a little bit of pressure as well to think, if I say no to this

and it goes to someone else, that history would have never been made. So I really did this to help pave a path. I was naive in thinking that that reason would help me endure the seasons of that show that were very difficult. But that taught me that no, actually being passionate about something and having fun while doing it, they're really undervalued. We don't value fun and passion enough, I feel. I never did in my life. Do you value now? I do now. You do more now. I do. You seem more relaxed. I am more relaxed. No, but it's been, I'm learning a lot of things because my parents, I never in my entire life have seen my parents ever do something because it was fun or it was their passion. If I asked my mom right now today, what are your hobbies?

She will say none. And she will say, I'm too old to have hobbies. And all of their decisions are based on survival. They're based on, I need to save money, I need to survive. And that is how I have behaved for years and years and years. I have finally given myself the permission to let go of that trauma and understand where it comes from and say, I can actually do things that are fun, just because they're fun, even if the paycheck's low, but they're fun. That should hold some value. It's interesting. Now that I'm thinking back, every time I've spent time with you, which is not that many times, maybe a handful of times we've hung out, I try to play a game with you. Oh yeah? I mean, we played ping pong when I was at your house like years ago. I've got pop a shot basketball in the other room. So after this, we'll play a 60 second

game, 60 seconds of fun. We were at a birthday party one time having fun. So my goal is to bring joy to your life every time we hang out. Even 60 seconds of joy. And you do. That's the goal. Thank you. But I think that should be all of our opportunity

when we're connecting with friends is how to find joy and play. Even when it's really stressful. 60 seconds of play. Most of us are in the habit of survival even though our circumstances do not require survival. And that's what I'm trying to unlearn. How do we get out of that?

Some people, they might feel like I'm in survival mode. I've got to work 12 to 14 hours a day nonstop. And perhaps they are. And that's fair. I don't have downtime right now at this season of life. But most of us, we're not. So how do we get out of that? And I want to emphasize that that's fair.

If you're in survival mode, more power to you, do what you need to do. But most of us, I would say that is not our circumstance, but we were so used to behaving like that. So we continue doing it. But what really helped me was learning where these behaviors come from, you know, and I think it is a lot of, especially for kids of immigrants, it's a lot of generational trauma. It's all about, I'll give you a prime example. My parents, and I think most brown kids, if there's any brown kids listening to this, we get so upset with our parents because we think, my parents only care what people think. You know, Indian parents really care what people think. I'm sure this is true across many cultures. And that used to bother me as a teen. I used to have a lot of friction with my parents. You care so much what other people think more than you care

about me. You don't love me as much as you love other people's opinions. And I never, ever would understand why. And then as an adult, I was like, let me actually look at my parents and let me actually really dive into this. They actually had to care what other people think. Why? Because they immigrated to Canada in the 1970s. The only people they knew were other family members. That was their only support system. And so if someone thought ill of them, that kind of would impact their survival and their resources, which is why they care so much about the family thinking they're, you know, on good terms. So that caused a lot of friction with me when I'm like, I want to make YouTube videos. I want to pierce my belly button. You know, I'm, oh, I'm actually coming out. I'm buying out there. This rattles every part of their existence

because they think, what will people think? How will we survive? That is not the reality I'm actually coming out. I'm buying out. This rattles every part of their existence because they think, what will people think? How will we survive? That is not the reality I'm operating in. I live in L.A. where everyone is, there's so many queer people where you're encouraged to be different. And so I had to look at that for what it is and think, I respect that you have that trait. And I know where it comes from. And I know it's been passed down to me, but I'm actively choosing to not use that tool in this circumstance because it doesn't make sense here. On a scale of one to 10 in the last decade, 10 being you love yourself fully and completely. One being you don't love yourself at

all. Where do you feel like on average you were on that scale in the last decade. 10 being like I fully love and accept myself, I am inner peace, I feel calm, you know I say nice things about myself. And a one being you speak badly and don't love yourself. I'm gonna go from 2012 to right now. In 2012 I was a false 10. I was a fake 10. Because I did love myself, but I can honestly reflect back and say I loved

myself because other people validated me so much. I was the new hot girl on YouTube. I was paving a path. You know, I was the token diversity person. People were bigging me up and I thought, oh, I love myself. Look at all these. But loving yourself doesn't mean you love yourself in relation to what other people think about you. It doesn't mean that comes from somewhere external. It means that, hey, even if all these things weren't here, I still love my, I didn't have that. Really? And then I think I realized that and I dove down to like a two because I thought, wow, you are just actually a shell of a human being. Really?

You don't actually, none of this is real. And I realized this, especially during the pandemic when everything went went away. And I literally felt like I had no value. Really? I felt like I had no, I didn't even feel like a human. I felt like a shell of a human, truly. Now I can genuinely, and this is F a book promo. It's not even a book promo. This has helped me get to what I feel is the truest 10 of my life.

Wow. So two, when were you a two? I think I was a two. Or for how long was the season? Probably a good amount of time, honestly. It might have been during even late night, the season one of late night, because I felt so much of that pressure

and there was so many opinions getting thrown at me and they impacted me every single day. And I didn't get upset at the negative opinions per se. I got upset at how much I gave people permission to tell me who I was. For a lot of my life, I got upset at how much I gave people permission to tell me who I was. For a lot of my life, I have given complete strangers the permission to tell me who I am, even though they've not met me. Through comments or through reviews, through reviews, through whatever it might be. And I give myself grace because that was such a

big part of my job, you know, being on the internet and you get that. And so I give myself grace, but I really, that, that pains me. That makes me sad. I feel like this is one of the biggest challenges for people that want to share their voice. They want to create a book, launch a podcast, do YouTube, whatever it is. You want to be on social media. You want to put yourself out there and make something meaningful. That's meaningful to you and share with the world. I feel like that's one of the biggest challenges I've had many people on in the last few weeks who, let's say, before they became known and successful, they loved themselves more. Then within a couple of years of after all this success and massive following,

the pressure, it was like, we're not trained or taught how to manage the responsibility, the weight the pressure the noise the conflict the human brain is not built for that it concerns me because there's a lot of people that want to accomplish something they want to put themselves out there they want to grow but when they hear these stories of successful people or people in the spotlight who have less love for themselves or let's say confidence, or whatever it might be for some people, when they grow, that might scare people from putting it out anymore. How do you think people can learn to love themselves before and during their growth phase? And even if they hit a hiccup and go down, maybe the views stop, people don't buy the book after a while, whatever it is,

how do you love yourself when no one's watching, when everyone's watching, and then when everyone's criticizing you? Right. I have a two-part answer here. Me being type A, I have a two-part answer here. This was exactly the predicament I was in. I thought to myself, you have such an extraordinary life.

You get to do amazing things. You have a dope career. The fact that you still feel lost and confused and sad was very upsetting to me because I thought what would have to happen in your life to not feel this way? Yeah, I should feel great. Exactly, and I, through writing this book, did a lot of that work.

I had a lot of false starts on this book because I started writing and I thought, no, this is not right, this is not right, this is not true. Get to the root of what this is. Don't write another fluffy thing. Write what is actually true, and I had to do the work. And what I've concluded is this. The reason we have this problem, and a lot of people have this problem, is because we are not encouraged to do any of this work as a kid. We don't actually know how

to do this. We don't know how to live a fulfilling life. We don't know what a fulfilling life is. We've never defined it for ourselves. We use these terms loosely. What does it mean to live a fulfilling life? That's just a fluff word that you see. You don't actually know. If I tell you, though, how do you solve this math problem, you're going to know how to do that. If I tell you how do you edit this video, you're going to know how to do that. It's because we are valued on schoolwork and professional work, and we're taught things. In school, we're taught how to analyze other people's emotions. We're taught how to champion other characters.

We're never taught how to look inwards. We're never taught how to champion other characters, we're never taught how to look inwards, we're never taught how to analyze ourself, we're never taught what our own goals should be, because goals are always grades or salaries or promotions. So I tried to do that work. I was never encouraged as a kid. Really? Yes, which is what this book was. In the last couple of years you were doing this? I did, I did. And a lot of the quarantine I spent doing this work. And what I concluded was the definition of a fulfilling life is to build a foundation. So I'm going to explain foundation as well, because that's another fluff word, um, to build a strong foundation for your life that actually cannot, does not teeter based

on what is actually happening in your life. Powerful. So you're not in reaction to events, words, criticism out there. I don't know if you can relate to this. When I'm having a great day or a great period of my life, it's very easy to practice gratitude. My moral compass is so in alignment with what I want it to be. You're the best version of yourself. Yeah. But when I have a bad day, it's not so much that it's hard to be grateful. It's that I felt like I changed to my core. Like who I was as a person changed.

My belief system changed. How I treated myself changed. And that's a very dangerous place to live. Thinking I am just going to make myself completely vulnerable to all external forces so that no matter what happens in my day, I will just teeter in the direction that the world is making me go. I don't want to live in that place. So what I mean by building a strong foundation is building a safe place in my mind that I can return to regardless of what's happening in my day. So I call this book The Blueprint for Building a Safe Place in Your Mind.

Something where if you succeed tomorrow, if you fail tomorrow, you still have a safe place to return to where none of those things matter. So let me ask you this. Let's hypothetically, you have a horrible day. Everything goes wrong. You try something, whatever. It's all going wrong. People are mad at you that you're not trying to make them mad, all these things. What do you say? What do you do?

What does that safe place give you? Yeah. So the safe place, the foundation I'm talking about, I broken it down to four things that actually matter. So this is what I love about the book is I actually break it down. I don't leave any fluff words open to interpretation. I define all things. A foundation for me is a relationship to yourself, a relationship to the universe, understanding distraction, and implementing design. These are the four things I repeat to myself every single day. And any conflict I look at through that lens, that is the foundation of my triangle, so to speak. I think that all conflicts can be looked at through these four things. And this is the foundation of every single person's triangle is what I believe. What is implementing design mean?

Implementing design means unsubscribing to ideas that no longer serve you. Because so often we are doing things in life because we have to, I don't have a choice. It's complicated. We treat opinions as facts and we treat choices as facts. You know, a prime example being a lot of tension in my life has been, oh, you know, my parents and society expects me to do something else, expect me to get married. I have to get married. My parents want me to get married. I have to get that job. I have to follow my sister's footsteps. You don't get it. I have to. But you don't have to. You actually don't have to do that at all. I want to get into entertainment. I have to move to LA. I have to get a at all. I want to get into entertainment. I have to move to LA.

I have to get a casting agent. I have to go to acting class. That's the only way I have to do that. No, you didn't have to. I got in through making YouTube videos. So it's about unsubscribing to ideas that don't serve you, even though they may seem like they're facts you have to follow. Implement design into your life and actually build a life that is beneficial to you. And I talk about

this through the lens of when we're born, we're all served a platter. Society's like, here, boy, blue onesie, girl, pink onesie. But we have a choice to stop eating from that platter. It's going to take work. It's going to be uncomfortable, but that is still our choice. It's not a fact. What were the three things that were not serving you the most that you've had to really let go of? One of them was that because of my job, part of my job is to allow people to disrespect me. Really? Yes. So you mean like with comments on YouTube specifically? I mean, anything. I think anyone in entertainment, it's quite normal for people to bully people in entertainment. We have all of these morals when it comes to treating people kindly, and the asterisk is always anyone in entertainment. So I think I unsubscribed to that idea and thought, I know I can't control your comments.

I know I can't control other people's opinions. I can control me giving them permission to actually come into my world. So it comes in some practical ways where I have no issues blocking, muting people, I don't care at all. But even spiritually, when someone says something to me, I say, you know what? I actually remove the permission for your words to have value to me.

So it doesn't penetrate your heart. It used to every time before. Really? Every time before. That's gotta feel painful. It does. So that's one idea. Another one, let me think.

That's powerful. How did you get to that space to spiritually block or just allow something to go through you and not stay within you? Yeah. Like when was that moment? Because that's a big aha moment. It is.

It came through writing this book. Really? Because I've tried everything else prior to this moment. I don't want to harp too much on comments because it is what it is, but this goes with anything. Someone you have conflict with in your life, a parent you have conflict with in your life, whatever it is. I am a firm believer through doing the work in this book that my mantra is now, I am you and you are me and we're in different circumstances. So I think previously I would believe you're mean. You wrote this comment. You don't know

what it's like to be me. You're mean. I am offended by your comment. I'm hurt by your comment. don't know what it's like to be me. You're mean. I am offended by your comment. I'm hurt by your comment. And I think now I have the perspective of, I'm actually just like you. You are in fact just like me, but our circumstances have led us to these different places and that doesn't need to be a fight. And it's also getting off my high horse of thinking that I would do different if I was that person because I might not, I might do worse. If I was you and I just had a layoff and I saw my vacation picture, I might be even meaner than you were, to be honest. And so I think it's just understanding

that we're all kind of the same. None of us are higher than anyone else and we have different lived experiences. Yeah, I think the opportunity or the challenge of life is you're gonna be judged for doing nothing, for sitting on your couch all day and not actually taking action on something and're going to be judged for doing nothing for, you know, sitting on your couch all day and not actually taking action on something. And you're going to be judged for doing something. Right. You just got to learn how to manage whichever

judgment, you know, it's also, and this is why I talk about understanding distraction. I actually label these things as distractions. And I don't mean this in the way of like, you're not valid. I don't care about your opinion. You're a stranger. So you're a distraction. What I mean is that my, where I know I thrive the most is when I'm grateful. When you're grateful, you feel happy. You are a pleasant person. You probably get even more success because gratitude just has such a magic to it. Whatever takes you away from gratitude, I consider a distraction.

So it's not that it's not valid. So if you wake up one morning and you're like, I'm in such a good mood. I have a great family. I have great friends. I'm in such a good mood. And then something happens. Someone cuts you off in traffic. And suddenly you're like, my life is so annoying, honestly.

And then you start spiraling. It's not that that's not valid and you shouldn't be upset. You can be, but you don't have to live there. You can come back to a place of gratitude. That's what I mean by distraction. Someone that's taking you away from that place. The mental distraction. Exactly. It's kind of like allowing that thought to stay with you for an hour or days or weeks. Sometimes people hold on to these things for so long. I've

done that in the past and I realized, is this supporting my meaningful mission or is it pulling me away from it? And calling them distractions actually allows you to come back to a place because when you don't call a distraction, you can stay there for a real long time but knowing that you actually want to return back to somewhere else makes it that much easier just that shift in your mentality of i'm over here in the land of gratitude now i've been pulled over here let me get back you know what i my goal is to get back here yeah i never had that goal before so i would just wander around over here for a really long time because i was like i don't know what to do. Exactly. So now you have a framework.

So when a thought enters your mind that's not a serving thought, let's say, you'll be there for a while until you're aware of it. And then you shift back into gratitude. What do you do? Do you start thinking, here's what I'm grateful for in this moment, this day, this week? How do you do it? I always repeat those four things I told you about. Because I look at everything through that lens.

Is this about the relationship to myself? It's not. So it doesn't matter in that way way is it about my relationship with the universe no so it also helps me kind of we know what's not a priority to think about but really what I do is I actually just give myself grace of being a human being if I get upset about something I do not force myself to not be upset and I think I did that for a long time but now I'm just like hey hey, you're upset, I think you should process all of these emotions. You're allowed to be upset, forgive yourself for being upset, it's stupid, it's petty,

allow yourself, forgive yourself. But after you're done, don't forget, you can return back to this place. And when you're gentle with yourself, you actually react a lot better to situations than being so harsh to yourself. I've been doing therapy pretty consistently for the last year, year and a half now.

It's been a powerful opportunity for me. I've done it throughout the years, but this time I was like, I'm just gonna do it when things are really good. Not when I have an issue I need to address, but because things are good in my life, I wanna maintain and continue this emotional accountability, let's call it.

You realize you don't always have to cry in therapy. Exactly. I just learned this, yeah. My coach will say, when you feel the emotion, don't try to stuff it. There are so many different healthy ways to express anger. You shouldn't do it at the person in an unhealthy way. It's getting it out first, whether it's punching a pillow

or writing down every nasty thing you want to say and putting it down and then burning it or whatever it might be. But there's so many ways to express your anger in a healthy way, let it out and then get back to gratitude and peace. I think that should be the goal. I think it's really hard to find fulfillment from a place from anger, stress. We really need to find fulfillment from a place of peace and love. Absolutely. Peace and freedom and giving yourself permission to be flawed and give yourself grace. Absolutely. Yeah. 100% flawed. So the distraction, what about the relationship with self? Because it used to be at a two or maybe there were some

seasons of life you were in the two range out of a 10. How do you think about that now when you go through this framework? Is this about my relationship with myself? Absolutely. So this is about the relationship, one of the relationships we tend to ignore the most, which is the one we have with ourself, which is we spend so much time and energy on what other people think of us and how we interact with others that we don't actually give ourselves the time and energy that a relationship requires. So of course, I talk about meditation in this book. I talk about spirituality in this book, but you've had Jay Shetty on this podcast, so I'm not even going to try to compete with it. What I talk about in this book. I talk about spirituality in this book, but you've had Jay Shetty on this podcast, so I'm not even going to try to compete with it. What I talk about in this book is also the concept of we like to define people very easily. We, as humans, love to do this. And we've

done this throughout history. It's easy for us to, in our brain, say right, wrong, black, white, yes, no, tall, short. It just makes it easier for us to understand people. But we do that to ourselves as well. We have all these words in our head of, I am a hard worker, I am funny, I am not lazy. But the issue with giving yourself these really extreme labels is we're never all of these things, and we're not always

all of these things, and then that starts to create conflict. So for example, I'm a workaholic, I know this, but why that has caused conflict is because I've labeled myself this hustler. You know, it's my whole brand, Hustle Harder. So when I have a day where I'm like, I feel like doing nothing, I don't enjoy a lazy day. I actually get upset at myself because it goes, that action goes against the label I've given myself. You know, and so you create these little battles for yourself inside because you've concluded this is who you are, when really who you are is a multitude of things

that falls on various spectrums at different parts in your life. You can hustle hard on this day, doesn't mean this day you're gonna be the exact same person. We need to understand we are these complex humans that are not easily labeled. We never give ourselves context, ever. We're just like, I have to be this all the time.

No, what is the context? For example, when I fail at something, I used to get really upset at myself. You gotta get this right, Lily. You have to, you are the only one. You're the first at this thing, you gotta get it right. It's a lot of pressure. 100%.

But instead of looking at myself and being like, you didn't do it right, so you're stupid, and then I apply that stupid label on me, what if I of looking at myself and being like, you didn't do it right, so you're stupid. And then I apply that stupid label on me. What if I actually looked at myself and said, oh, you're someone who is struggling with something you've never done before? That like gives me some context. I actually feel like helping that person. I feel like championing that person instead of just being like, you're stupid. So we're just so lazy with labels when we define ourself. And I'm encouraging people to give ourselves context.

That's something you learn in the pandemic also. It is. It're not clickbait on the internet we deserve context what do you see when you look yourself in the mirror besides great hair what did you see and what do you see now before I saw someone who has achieved a lot I always defined myself by my achievements now I'm trying my best to see someone who is a human having an experience you know I and this is gonna sound like a load of BS but I'm gonna tell you this is honestly something I've been working on I'm trying to not define myself by anything external because that is a slippery slope.

It's very slippery. The fact that when we had to quarantine, I had no gigs and no work and no travel. And I was like, oh, so I have no value. I hated that. Because that means I don't value myself as a friend. I don't value myself as a daughter. I don't value myself as a dog mom

or someone who can make memories or someone that can laugh and experience joy. I don't value any of those things. I just literally always define myself by external things. And so now whether something bad or good happens, I don't tie it to my value or definition. And the best example of this is I got something that is my dream role in a show, the new Muppet Show for Disney Plus. That's top left of my vision board. It's my first lead, a really big deal for me.

But the day I announced it, I had to have a whole session with myself where I said, this is really great and it's really cool. You are not now the girl who's on the Disney Plus show. You are not now the lead actress. You are Lily. And this is a cool thing you get to do. But the success or failure of this does not reflect on you as a person. This is not your value.

And it's easy to do when it's bad. It's hard to do when it's good because you want to. You want to define yourself by all these cool things. But you can't pick and choose. It's got to be that, no, I'm complete without these things as well. My hope and my intention is that everything you touch turns into gold, right? Every creation is a beautiful thing, and it's celebrated, and and it's successful and it has high ratings and all that stuff. But let's just say one thing doesn't go as planned from expectations.

How will you approach it if that happens now with this framework? You launch a big show. No one cares. You get bad, whatever it is. Absolutely. And you put your life into something, your value, your creation into something. How will you now manage that letdown, disappointment, missed expectation, whatever it might be? Well, first I'll allow myself to feel whatever I want to feel. It's not realistic for me to say, it's okay, I'll be grateful. I'll probably be sad. I'll probably be

upset. I'll give myself the grace to feel all of those things. But at the end of the day, I will remind myself that when it comes to the relationship with myself and the relationship with the universe, that show falls nowhere in there. So when I come back to my safe place in my mind, there's really no room for that to define me because I already have all these other strong values. So really when people have asked me,

will you write another book? My answer to them is I hope this blueprint serves me for the rest of my life so I never have to write another book is my goal. But yeah, I think I would just remind myself that that failure or low rating is not a little thing low rating. It's not a low rating for me as a human. It is that project. That is that one thing that is a thing I did. It is not me. I am not that thing. That thing is just something I did. How can people separate their work or their creative energy or efforts apart from themselves

and not having value as them being the thing that's wrong or bad or not good? I think a big part of that, because all that work is over here, I think we have to work over here. So it's not about how do I let go of the value from work, it's how do I value myself more in the other areas. It's about, okay, I've thought about work for so

long. I valued myself with work for so long. Let me practice valuing myself in other ways. So now if I have a really great meditation, I go, that was really good. You did a really good job. That was a successful thing you did today. And that is a cool moment for you that should hold some value. If I had an amazing conversation with a friend. So for example, I just went to Jay's house the other day and we had this deep, great conversation. And I remember leaving thinking, wow, moments like that actually define my value.

A memory I created with a friend, a deep conversation, that counts for something. And when you start getting in the habit of doing that, it helps you not just define yourself in the traditional way we've been taught. To be fair, we've been taught to only value ourselves in one way. I'm suggesting that we actually find value in the other things that are never given value. The laughing, the moments, the good nap that you took.

Oh, man. You know, that's value. You are a full human. And again, when I say this, I just need to preface one thing. When I say this, people always treat mindfulness and mental health like all or nothing. Oh, so she's saying we don't have to hustle, we can take naps in the middle. No, I'm saying I have for 10 years hustled so, so hard,

and everyone has to do that at some point. But then you can get to a place where you can give yourself permission to, you know? It's funny you're saying this today, because earlier my girlfriend slept for a few hours during the middle of the day, and she was like, I've never done this. She's an actress and a writer and a producer you met her yeah and for as long as i've known her i

was like this girl just doesn't turn off like she's always coming up with the next treatment or script or production meeting or whatever and she's just she creates and i'm like you know you can just kind of chill you don't have to do it you don't have to be reading or working on yourself or doing this you can just be and today is the first't have to be reading or working on yourself or doing this. You can just be. And today was the first time she's like, I've never done this. It feels amazing. Like I just needed to rest.

Right. Take a few hours. And after a few hours, she's like, okay, I'm ready to work again. But it's okay. So I think people should be- You sound like my therapist. Yeah, it's okay.

Take a few hours in the middle of the day. It's not the end of the world. But it's also assigned value to that. Absolutely. Those other things also add to your value. It's not just the accolades and the end of the world. But it's also assigned value to that. Absolutely. Those other things also add to your value. They do. It's not just the accolades and the numbers and all that. So my answer to your question is to start placing value in all those other things, we're told, our meeting lists that are actually so important.

Absolutely. The things that people maybe don't see all the time also. I'm that person that's like, my new mantra I've already named 10. But something I've been telling myself is for this period of time, you will actually be okay with missing a meeting but not a meditation. That's where I am right now. Right now in my life. Yeah, this season of life. Exactly.

That doesn't mean I'm less successful. I'm actually more successful professionally than I've ever been. And I've realized that not placing all my value in work has actually helped me be more successful because when I'm not so, when I'm a little bit detached from it, I can actually see things more objectively for what they are as instead of being so just tied to every aspect of it. Yeah. I believe when we're just getting started on launching anything, we've got to say yes to everything. I'm going to do this. I'm going to say yes to this meeting and do these things. And there's a turning point where you start to say no, right? Yes. Where do you think you would have been had you valued meditation or these other values in the beginning?

Let's just hypothetically, 10 years ago, if you would have learned this and implemented it, do you think you'd be at the same place you are, success career-wise, numbers-wise, bigger, smaller, just curious? I'm gonna answer this question from specifically me. I'm not saying this is for other people. For specifically me, I would not be as successful as I am now. And I'll tell you why. I am a very all or nothing type person. And I dislike that about myself. I've

been trying to work on that. I'm either you have to work all the time or I'm just going to meditate for 10 hours a day now. So 10 years ago, if I took those naps and I meditated, I would have gone so all in on that that I would have created such a rigid wall saying, no, I can't work. I can't do that free gig. I can't do any of that because I'm all or nothing. That is something I'm trying to change. I'm trying to learn that progress is in the middle, that you can actually have a little bit of both. I never knew how to do that. And now I've unsubscribed from the idea that to be successful, I to be mentally unhealthy I believe that I can be successful and mentally healthy now but that

takes work from both ends and like I said I think a lot of people think it's either you have mental health and you have work-life balance or you're a workaholic no we can actually have seasons of things for example this book's coming out for the past two weeks I have been the workaholic it is what this is demanded but that doesn't mean now the week after the book comes out I can't be like and you know what now I can take those naps and I can do the meditations and I can do all this stuff the progress is in the middle it's not all of this I know and I think it's when we can create a an hour a day or maybe it's two hours for some people where you're I'm going to get my 15 minutes of meditation I'm going to get to move my body I'm going to do something for me something that that I value for myself, to build that relationship with myself, then I think if you can

keep that consistent. Absolutely. You have to think about this, it's like, and this is the best way to describe the relationship with yourself is, what kind of partner do you want to be to yourself? And the example I give in the book is, you know when you go into an elevator, and there's other people in the elevator? So what do you do? You instantly pull out your phone because you're like, oh, I need to dive into something. I can't interact with people.

I can't be here. If you ever pay attention, you'll notice that you actually do that when you're alone in the elevator as well. When you're alone in the elevator, you probably pull out the phone as well because you don't even want to be with yourself alone. You're so uncomfortable to be with your thoughts

and yourself in that elevator. And I started to pay attention to things like that. And I thought, is that the relationship I want to have with myself, where I can't even be alone with myself for 30 seconds in this elevator that I have to at every instance? Let's be real, every red light, I can't even just observe and look where I can't even be with my thoughts and feelings. I have to pull out my phone. That's not a good relationship. When did you realize that? I realized that when there was a period of time during the pandemic where I actually deleted social media off my phone.

For like six months, I had no social media on my phone. Come on, really? Six months, six whole months. And if I had to post something for work, I would install Instagram. I would post it and I would delete it right away. Six months? Six whole months.

Was your team posting or what was happening? If they had to post some brand-new stuff, sure. But I gained back so much time in my life. One was time. But also I realized that, yes, we can talk about meditation, and I think that's so important. But I also think aside from meditation, just being present with yourself, you know, allows yourself to process emotions. Like I remember when I deleted social media off my phone, the time it really occurred to me what a difference it made was when I was at the airport. I was waiting for a flight

and every other person in the terminal, every single person was on their phone. And I thought I would be doing the exact same thing. I would also be, but because I wasn't on my phone, I was like, okay, let me think about this travel I'm about to take. Let me think about what I want to make out of it. Let me think about if I'm excited about it. How do I feel? And it just, this is going to sound silly, but being there for myself and giving myself the time of day and my thoughts and feelings the time of day, it made me feel special. I felt seen by myself, 100%. Did you see yourself in the last 10 years before this?

Not completely in that way, no. Because there was just so much other noise I let in. Did you feel like you could be okay alone or alone without devices? Less of the question of if I would be okay, more of did I see the value in that? Right, right, right. I didn't. For me, it was like, no, the value is if I'm informed, if I'm in the loop, if I know what's going on. You're creating content if you're building.

Creating content, that's my value. Again, it goes back to assigning value. I always valued creating content more than being present with myself. Now I'm saying you can have both. So I do have social media on my phone now. It's been a long time. But my relationship with it is a lot different. Wow, you deleted all social media for six months.

Six months, yeah. And you know what? I had Phantom Hand for a while. Oh, my, you're like, check it. I kept trying to find another app. So I'd like go in on the weather app. I'm like, what's the weather like? I got to go to the weather, if the weather changed, what's the weather like? What's the weather talking about? So definitely that took a while to get used to. But now again, even till this day, if I feel like I'm passively scrolling too much, I will delete it off

my phone for the day. Delete it. I will just delete it. Yeah. That's fascinating. Holy cow. And do you feel like you're not missing out on anything? No. You feel like you're growing still? What's better than real life? That's true. Social media is not real life. It's a tool and it's great, but we have to recognize it for what it is.

It is a tool we should use. It is not a tool that should use us. And we really treat it that way. It'll define me now. I will form all of my opinions based on what I'm seeing. My entire worldview will be framed by it. that's not how we should live life. We should put the phone down and discover for ourselves. What's been the richest moment you've had without social media? So during the Black Lives Matter protests, I, like a lot of other people,

was super overwhelmed by social media. That's actually when I decided to delete it because there was just so many arguments and so much friction. And it was honestly really overwhelming for me. So I deleted it and I went to a protest in real life. And it was one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen. I saw all types of people standing together for one cause, people from different races hugging each other. No one was arguing.

And I thought, oh, this is actually real life. Real human beings off their phone, giving each other grace, recognizing that we're two human beings that can see eye to eye. That doesn't really happen on social media because social media lacks two things. It lacks context and it lacks accountability. And I think without those two things, you can't have a real conversation. Yeah. And I wish the people that were saying things on social media, they would actually just have an opportunity to go up to the person and say the exact same thing.

That wouldn't happen. Would you say it? It would not happen. You would never say it? It would not happen. It's crazy. Also, I also question, and this is specific to Twitter, I also, which I don't use because it's not good

for my mental health, but I question that if the ability to trend was not a thing, would people really have all these opinions? Because it's hard to have a conversation, a genuine conversation in an environment where you are rewarded for being loud. If you took that element away, if you took that all away, I question if people would be as upset and as heated as they usually are. That's interesting. Yeah. They're getting validated and more attention for it. So there's something interesting about the relationship with the universe. Can you talk about what this means? Yeah, I'll start with that.

Yeah. For a lot of my life, and I think most people can relate to this, whether you're religious or not, spiritual or not, it doesn't matter, we tend to ask for things. We look up, whether you pray, whether you whatever, please help me with this, please let my health get better, please let me get this role, whatever. We're always asking for stuff. That is a relationship we have with the universe. We're

just really bad partners because we take and take and take, right? We just take and take and take. If there was any other relationship, for example, you and your girlfriend, if you treated your girlfriend, like you treat the universe, she would dump you because you would just take and take and take. I feel like I'm pretty good at the universe. No, I'm just saying for example, something I had to call myself out on was, and by the way, Luis is a great partner. I've seen him interact many times. That was not specific to Luis. Yeah, but in general, yes. Something I had to call myself out on was that I always, especially in hard times, I always look up and ask for things, but I never think about what I give back to the universe. And most people

don't. I always say that we miss missed ten calls from mom we miss 15 from the universe we don't acknowledge this relationship and that is not fair because everything in this world is an exchange everything is an exchange whether you understand that because you need money to buy something versus I had to go through this heartbreak to learn this lesson it's still an exchange we need to acknowledge that because we've already been given so much that the only fair way to be in a relationship with the universe is to give back to it.

That is actually the only fair way. So I think service, and however that might mean to you, that might mean charity work, it might mean being there for a friend, planting a tree, whatever it is, we have to consider that as part of our foundation because we would be naive to be ignoring that reality. When did you learn that?

While writing this book. Let me tell you, I'm not lying. So the reason this book was really hard to write is because my first book, I knew exactly what I wanted to be about. I knew all the stories I was going to tell. I knew all the advice I wanted to give. When I tried to write this book,

I had to learn every single thing on these pages to write this book. You didn't know the answers. I didn't know the answers. I had to go through it. I had so many false starts. I started writing and I was like, this is not helpful.

So I had shredded up those papers and I had to actually fundamentally change as a person to write this book. I'm a different person after writing this book legitimately. And my friends will tell you that. They'll be like, you said it yourself. You seem really chill. That's the most common thing people have said to me

since I finished writing this book. You seem happier. When did you finish this? Like two weeks after the deadline. Oh, wow, Paul, there's two more. Six weeks ago? No, no, I finished it seven-ish months ago, I wanna say. There's definitely a light about you.

And you're not the first person to say that. An energetic light and just like, your shoulders look lighter. Your face looks younger. Oh. Not that you looked old or something. I kinda did, I kinda did. But your shoulders look lighter. Your face looks younger. Oh. Not that you looked old or something. I kind of did. But your energy is light. Thank you.

And I think it's really important for people to understand this. When our minds are hijacked by lies or by negative thoughts or horrible conversations that we're saying to ourselves with just a poor relationship with ourselves like you're talking about, I think it's hard to feel fulfilled and light, energetically. When our minds are hijacked by these lies and these negative thoughts. And so I'm so grateful that you found this framework for yourself. Myself included.

And going back to the framework, when you feel like stressed or overwhelmed, not that it's gonna be perfect every moment, but having a framework to go back to. And I think if people subscribe to this framework or one that works for them like this, it will be powerful to overcome a lot of the mental challenges, the stress, the anxiety, the overwhelm, the depression thoughts that a lot of people have, and just the stress of life. It's not easy. The reason I think this is so helpful, like I said, this book has been a gift

to me. So truly it is the best thing I've ever done for myself. I'm confident it can be that for other people. But again, even if it's not, it has done wonders for me. How I came about this also was thinking about, I talk about school in the workplace a lot. I talk about how I got so frustrated because I know how to deal with those problems. And I never knew how to deal with problems related to life. And I discovered that what all of those places have in common is they have like these pillars that are anchored into the ground. A bad teacher doesn't change

the importance of education. You know, that pillar exists. You believe in education, education's value. We need to do that for ourselves. It's where you have pillars so deep where things don't alter those pillars. That is what I mean by a framework. And it's been so helpful for me because it's that thing I can keep going back to at the end of the day. Like I said, the safe place in your mind. And what about manifesting? So, you know, when we want something and you say the relationship with the universe

or God or whatever it is, I just say, I want this role. I want this gig. I want this thing. I want this relationship. How do you think about it now in terms of, okay, if I want something from the universe or if I want to land something or?

Create something what's your framework now? Are you saying well? How can I be of service to my friends my family and my audience? How can I help more people? What is the way you think about it now? Well, I think I think about things always bigger than myself I don't think that I just solely got something by myself. I believe the universe is always at play I believe in manifestation in that way. If I felt like my direct actions got me everything, that would be a very like egocentric way to live, I think. Of course, I've worked really hard

and that has contributed to it, but the universe is still at play and providing for me. I think, well, also on the note of manifesting, I should tell you, and this is not a joke, my vision board is in my shower. Ooh. I take it next level here. Vision boards are not very aesthetically pleasing.

Let's be real. My house is very neutrals and beiges and my vision board is just such an eyesore. So last year I kept it in the back of my closet, but I didn't really see it often. So I was like this year, that's it. January came, I taped it to the glass wall of my shower on the outside.

That's pretty cool. So I see it every day. She look at it every day. Every-ish day when I take a shower. Every three days maybe. And I cannot tell you the difference it has made. Come on. It is incredible.

I know my visions like this. So many of them have become true already, and it's only April now. It's insane, the difference it has made. So let me just start there. But yes, I think about things as in the relationship I have with myself. That means that I know what I want. My priorities are clear. However, this thing does not define me. It is not going to be who I am now. And I, yes, will be the

best, nicest giving back person possible because if I want the universe to provide, then I need to give something back. So tell me, what does seeing your visions in front of you every day do for you? First of all, it keeps my priorities in check. Focused. Focused. Because I used to have this problem where I would get so many cool things in my inbox. So many opportunities. I have to say yes. How can I not say yes? This is so cool. This person is asking me to do this.

It's awesome. And then at the top of the series, I thought, you're going to pick like a handful of priorities, and you'll only make decisions based on those priorities. So my vision board helps me keep those priorities in check. But it also helps me just kind of daydream and make it happen. So when I'm in the shower, I kid you not, like one of the things on my vision board, the top left thing is Disney+.

Come on. I kid you not. And I made that before I got the audition for this. So there was no show, there was no audition. There was nothing. You just had an idea. I have two things on my vision board, audition success and Disney+.

And then I got a Disney plus audition and I got the lead role. I kid you not. And some of the people on my vision board that I've never hung out with, I have hung out since January. Come on. I had the opportunity to hang out with Reese Witherspoon recently in a way that we had some really cool conversations. That's pretty cool. She was on my vision board. And the opportunity to do that also came after I made this vision board.

That's crazy. I'm a big believer I'm a witch. I think we're all witches somewhere. I'm 100% a white witch, yeah. What do you think is happening when we, again, see a vision in our mind or see something we've put down on paper over and over? What do you think we're doing with our relationship with the universe? I think we're making our needs clear. Something we're not very good at as humans. We don't usually making our needs clear. Something we're not very good at as humans. We don't usually make our needs clear.

We like to beat around the bush and talk in between lines and all these things. But I think we make our needs clear and we make our desires clear. And more than anything, I think we subconsciously take actions then to lead to those things. You know, you can't have one without the other. Some people think I'll just make a vision board and then do nothing and these things will come to life. And some people think a vision board is garbage. I'll just work really hard. It's a combination of both of those things.

You work really hard subconsciously towards a direction you have set out for yourself and the universe will provide. Man, the light is just coming out today. How did you know what to put on your vision board that was fulfilling or meaningful and not just this would be cool for the ego? as fulfilling or meaningful and not just this would be cool for the ego because i think some people weren't going to put big house money success fame growth of followers or whatever it might be which is not bad things like hey i'm all about getting the dream house yeah but how do you know i'm making a conscious decision on something that is a more beautiful future that will inspire and

impact more people or help me as well versus this is going to make me look really good to my friends. I think the way I have gone about making vision boards is I, instead of the actual thing about the actual object, I think about what it will mean to me if I get it. So for example, and I love that you said it's not a bad thing because I think I used to judge myself a lot being like, I can't put money on my vision board. Like that's so shallow. I, first of all, it's your vision board. You I think I used to judge myself a lot being like I can't put money on my vision board like that's so shallow I first of all it's your vision board you can do whatever you want with it you know what I mean but I do have things like I have a fancy car I have a Rolex on there a whole bunch of things and the reason I put them on there is because I thought I actually

know what this means to me it's not that I'm going to get this Rolex and now I'm a cool person that's better than other people and now I'm a it's that oh you know what I've worked really hard I think this Rolex looks really pretty and sometimes I do want to flex and I agree that that's better than other people and now I'm a, it's that, oh, you know what? I've worked really hard. I think this world looks really pretty. And sometimes I do want to flex and I agree that that's how I am. And I understand that I'm aware about that. So I can get that. Things I have like, don't forget to have fun. I know what that means to me because I know I want to value fun. I know what it feels like to go to set and have fun with those people. And I value that now. So I think we need to allow ourselves grace. If you have things on your vision board that are materialistic, that's completely fine. Just know what those

things mean. And I think that's the biggest difference between my first and second book. My first book was a lot of hustle, goal setting, get that network connection, get all of that stuff. And this book is like, okay, what does that actually mean? Yeah. How can you get it and have peace inside? Exactly. If you know why you want the things you want and you can put healthy value towards those things, I don't think it's wrong to put anything on your vision board. What's the biggest mistake people make when it comes to manifesting? Thinking that you don't have to work for it. I have a lot of it. Gen Z, I'm gonna call you out here. I'm gonna call you out here. There's a lot of people that think

I made a vision board, but nothing's coming true. You also have to work very, very hard still. But I think another thing is that people are not very specific when it comes to vision boards. Sometimes I'll see people's vision boards and it says success on it or it says money. What is money? What does that mean? So when I make my vision board, I actually Photoshop myself into specific situations I want. Yes. I want to be on this magazine cover, this specific magazine cover.

I Photoshop myself on that magazine and put it on my vision board. That's cool. Because I'm like, I'm not just going to put magazines. What does that mean? What does that mean? That my cousin just started a school newspaper and now I'm on that magazine? Is that what it is? As specific as you can be with what you want and then the universe will answer.

The universe can get confused. You say money, they're going to make you find $10 on the street. Is that money? Yeah. It's a quarter. Exactly. It's money. You said money.

What is money? Interesting. What magazine covers did you put yourself on? I'm a big fan of Vanity Fair. Have you been on it yet? I'm not. Not yet, except for in my shower. I also, who doesn't want to be on the cover of Vogue?

Come on. Vogue is really, really dope. We like Forbes in this house. In this house, we like Forbes. This household? This household. Entrepreneur? 100%.

Yeah. 100%. I really pride myself on like the disruptive kind of, you know, the disruptors of business. I like this. Do you think it's possible to be extremely successful, accomplished, manifest everything on your vision board? Mm-hmm. accomplished, manifest everything on your vision board, be fulfilled internally,

and be in a healthy, conscious, loving, long-term relationship? My honest answer is that I do think it's possible, but I do not think all three of those things would get equal attention. That's my honest answer. I have not figured out a way to be all of those things perfectly at the exact same time. And maybe that shouldn't be the goal. Maybe the goal should be that, hey, for right now, 50% of managers are going to go here and I have a loving partner that is on the same page with that because we communicated about it. And I have therapy to help me figure out the parts of me that I cannot, cannot tend to because I'm working so hard on this.

And then when seasons shift, maybe those percentages shift. And maybe it's like, hey, I just finished six movies. So now 60% of my effort is going to go towards the relaxation. I think that's more realistic of life. I think it's that we need to understand we are on several places on several spectrums and that's okay. We don't have to be the definitive. I'm this and I'm this and I'm this. I think those energies will always be shifting and I've come to peace with that. Do you see people in Hollywood that have healthy relationships, like intimate, committed relationships long-term?

Do you see a lot of this happening? Or is there people you admire that have, besides like Jay and Roddy? Oh, okay, you took them away. They're gonna be my answer. Exactly. I don't, my honest answer is I don't know anyone well enough in this industry

to genuinely answer that. Of course, on magazine covers and red carpets, I could say people are very in love. I don't know anyone well enough behind the scenes to know if that's true. But also, I guess it goes back to for them, what is a successful relationship? For me, a successful relationship is where two people have this, that are on the same page, they've communicated and they have the same priorities. So could it be that someone's definition of success is that, hey, don't really care about this. We need to kill it together in business. We need to flex on this red carpet

and we need to be the beacon of love and light for people. If they're both on the same page, then they're succeeding in their eyes. And who am I to say that that's wrong? As long as two people are on the same page, then that's success. I think for a long time, I was struggling in relationships,

thinking, do I need to just completely give up everything I'm doing to put all the attention to the relationship? Is there a way to do both? Can I take care of my health and run my business and be in a relationship? And I feel like I'm finally figuring it out. Only time will tell, obviously, but it's like...

Yeah, another idea I've had to unsubscribe from that didn't benefit me was that love shouldn't be work. I think a lot of people think love should come naturally. Relationships shouldn't be work. And real love means that things just click. There's chemistry. You just click. They brighten up your date.

That's all fine and well. But I've actually unsubscribed to that idea because it does not serve anyone. Relationships are work. Love can exist. It still requires work. Relationships require compromise and they require communication and they require tough talks. That doesn't make the love any less. It's just that we've all believed this idea that love should be so effortless, which is not the case. I agree with you. And I want to add an asterisk there. I like to use words. And I think work for some people means like it sucks. Which is also an interesting idea.

So I would like, for some people, I think when they think the word, I don't think that, but when they think of work, it might seem like it sucks or something. So I like to use the words conscious energy. It takes energy for you to show up vulnerably consistently. When you're annoyed or frustrated, it takes being conscious on how to choose your words, conscious energy on how to schedule things, plan things. I was telling my team today, last weekend, the day before I ran a marathon actually,

but the day before. Subtle flex. Yeah, exactly. But I never wanted to do a marathon. It took me almost six hours. Why would you? That sounds like my nightmare. Yeah, it was actually a spiritual experience, but that's for another conversation. But the day before, I did a five-hour therapy session with my therapist and my girlfriend.

And I've always said to myself, I would like to start a relationship with conscious conversations about the future. relationship with conscious conversations about the future and doing work together, work or doing sessions together with an accountability therapist, coach, someone to help guide us on agreements and things like that. So what some might call work, I'm calling it conscious energy. Yeah, fair. Not when anything is wrong, but to make sure it keeps going great and to have have conversations which take work, if you want to call it work, it takes time, it takes effort, it takes energy. But definitely, you can't just show up

and think everything's going to be perfect. You got to invest the energy. What I've taken away from that story is that your therapist is securing the bag. What is what I've taken away from that story is that your therapist is securing, good on you, congratulations, Louis' therapist.

No, but it wasn't her saying this, it was me saying, I've I want to do this for years. Yeah. And I think it's been really helpful because it creates a sense of togetherness. It creates a sense of alignment. It creates a sense of agreements. All these things that I think relationships sometimes don't do until there's a disruption. Yeah, conflict.

Exactly. So why not create it before that? Therapy is the vitamin C. It's incredible, right? It's the vitamin C to everything. That's it. Yeah, conflict. So why not create it before that? Therapy is the vitamin C. It's incredible, right? It's the vitamin C to everything. That's it, that's it. So I think it's conscious energy, it's effort, but I think you're right.

It doesn't just magically happen. We need to let that idea go. Yes, yes. What is the biggest challenge you're faced with today then? Because it seems like you've got all these things manifesting from your vision board. You've got peace, inner peace. You're an authentic 10. You've got light radiating.

Disney show. The book. Be a triangle. You've got, you know, Canada's Got Talent hosts. You're like the star everywhere. Everything is coming. It's a pretty cool time. What is the biggest challenge?

Everything is coming. It's a pretty cool time. What is the biggest challenge? And even more importantly, what do you think is the biggest wound you have yet to fully face and do the work on to get to the next level? My biggest challenge and something is actually my answer is kind of the same for both of the questions you asked. Which is in my life, as much as I've done the work to detach from accolades, like I've talked about, what I've not been able to detach from thus far is the pressure of being a first. In my life, I've been the first in many instances,

whether it was YouTube, the first Indian girl doing things like this, the first Indian girl on billboards for YouTube. Then the late night show was also a first. I get that headline a lot. The first. And for someone who hasn't lived the experience, it can sound like, why would you ever complain about that? That's awesome. You get to be in all these, you get to make history.

You get to be the first. You were the first person to do things. It's wonderful and exhilarating and also horrendous at the same time. It's wonderful and exhilarating and also horrendous at the same time. To be the first is a really lonely place to be because you not only have so much pressure of every minority looking up at you, expecting you to do right by them, which you cannot possibly do for everyone, but you also have no one to turn to when things get rough. Late night being the best example of that, when things got really rough for me, which other female late night host was i supposed to turn to right and ask advice for yeah so because that has been a theme for so much of my career this first idea it's such a big concept to say but i've associated my success a little bit with history making which is a really heavy thing to associate yourself with like i have to make history every time I do things. Every six months you're making history. Yeah. I have not been able to, if I'm being honest,

completely heal after those types of instances. Really? Yeah. I still, when I think about those things, I feel very nauseous thinking about them. I have a lot of anxiety about them. From the past things you've been the first to have. From the past things. And also the fear of it happening again, which is a really unhealthy place to be because sometimes when I have an opportunity that's really exciting and awesome and I'm excited about it, I have a little voice in my head that goes, you could be the first again

and it's gonna be horrific all over again. And that's a very tainted type of evil that's in all things to come. I haven't been able to reconcile that. So based on this framework, how would you coach yourself if you were stepping outside? Yeah, this is great. I love that this is a therapy. Thank you. I can cancel my therapy session tomorrow. This is fantastic. Honestly, yeah. How would you coach yourself

if calm, peaceful, loving Lily was sitting in front of you? What would she say to you? The first thing I would say is with the relationship with myself, I just finished telling you about how we easily define ourselves. I just defined myself as the first. I just did that. But if I change that wording from you're not the first, you are someone that loves to try new things and then you get put into a circumstance

where it's unfamiliar territory. I can actually empathize with that person a lot more. So already that feels better to me. You're not the first. You're someone who tried something new and got on this path, and now it's unfamiliar, so allow yourself some grace. That's cool. With my relationship with the universe,

I would say that, hey, the universe has provided an opportunity to you. So yes, it's scary, but it's also an opportunity, and you should focus on that part of it, because this will be an exchange in some types. You will gain something. no matter what it is, you will gain something from everything. The worst heartaches in life, you will still gain something from them.

So I will remind myself of that. Understanding distraction will play a big role here because all the reviews and comments and people putting pressure on me are actually distractions from what my actual goal is, which is to do something cool and try something new and do my best and find fulfillment. So all these things people are saying are actually irrelevant.

Of course, it might mean a lot to them, but I actually do not owe to anyone to make history for them. I can only talk about my own experience. I can't talk about theirs. So I have to take away the permission I've given them to tell me what I should be doing in the situation and then implementing design this can get real real oh this intense new cycle is gonna happen I'm not gonna see it I'm not going to put myself in the position to hear these things

or be in those rooms where those intense conversations happen I'm gonna remove myself or implementing design is also okay I actually want to really do well in this situation how can I build the best possible scenario where this thing is fun and I can actually enjoy it mmm so that's how I work through it that sounds peaceful to me yeah Wow the first one really hit me the taking away the definition of first yeah sounds like I've been hearing you putting this identity on yourself this label years I've always been doing the first and the pressure, the weight, the identity that you've held onto. It seems like that's not serving you that identity. Yeah. You're right. Cause when people call me the first, they're also giving me that identity

without giving me context. No, not only are you the first, but you're going to be doing something no one else has done. You're going to be trying something new. It's going to be scary. You know how lovely it would be if in an interview someone said, I'm sure it's really scary to be the first, and I'm sure you're going to be trying new things. And tell me about that. But no one ever asked that question. No one ever asked it in that context because I'm not given the context. Sure, sure.

That seems like a good framework, though. This framework works. We're testing it live, it's working. I love it. Is there any other fears you think you'll need to? The great thing about life is life is so creative. The universe is so creative. You know when you were younger and you're like,

oh my God, I lost my best friend. This is the worst pain I could ever feel. And then the universe was like, hold my beer because I'm gonna introduce just 17 more things that are painful. Humans always think what they're going through right now is the most painful thing ever. But the universe is very creative. The universe will come up with new ways to both gift you and torment you. And so the goal is to build a framework that can last those things, even the

ones you haven't met yet. And so I'm sure there'll be many other fears that I haven't even thought of yet. But the more you implement this framework, the more, I guess, resourceful, the more confident you'll be with any new challenge that comes your way. Absolutely. That's beautiful. I want people to get the book. Get the book. They can go to lilysinghbook.com. Also just anywhere on social media, follow at Lily and get a few copies. I love this type of book. I told you before, because it's short. It's short and sweet. And for someone like me that can't read that long. It has illustrations also. It's got pictures. I feel like I'm seven years old again. It's perfect. And it's speaking about real life, which I think is really powerful. So

make sure you guys get a few copies, not just one, but this is one where you get like three, five, 10 copies and give them to all your friends. You can read this in a day. For me, that might take me a couple of weeks, but most people can read it in a day. For me, that might take me a couple weeks, but most people can read it in a day. And I think it'd be a great book club for you and your friends. So get a few copies of this book. Lillysinghbook.com, at Lilly pretty much everywhere. How else, before I get to the final two questions,

how else can we be of service to you? Oh, wow. Well, first of all, you've already been of service to me. I want everyone listening to know this, that I literally emailed Lewis about this yesterday. I literally was like, I would love to be on the podcast, talk about the book. And now I'm sitting here in your studio today. So you've already been of service. I'm sure you uprooted your schedule. I'm sure you made a slot happen. You've always been so supportive. So you've already been of

much service to me. And your exact response to my text was so excited to support you. So I want all your listeners to know you're a fantastic human being. Of course. I got your back. I mean, people, besides the book, they can watch, tell me what else is going on. They can watch the movie. Yeah, I'm part of an animated movie called Bad Guys.

It's a DreamWorks animated movie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's coming out April 22nd in theaters, so that's really fun. If you have any Canadians listening, I'm a judge on Canada's Got Talent, which is every Tuesday on City TV.

Yeah, I'm going to start shooting this Muppet thing. I just did a TED Talk recently. I guess that's kind of cool. It looks awesome. I'm doing judge on Canada's Got Talent, which is every Tuesday on City TV. Oh yeah, I'm gonna start shooting this Muppet thing. I just did a TED talk recently, I guess that's kinda cool. I saw that, it looks awesome. I'm doing a few things, trying to stay busy. Are you still doing consistent YouTube right now, or is that kind of like?

No, I am not. I mean, I am gonna release a really cool video I'm passionate about related to the book. Cool. But I am not consistently making YouTube videos for the sole purpose of making them that frequently is not fun for me. Yeah, it's not. And I don't find fulfillment in that anymore. Yeah. It served you for a season, but not this season. I like to do things sporadically

here that I could post a video, but the whole creativity on demand is no longer fulfilling for me. Yeah. Okay, cool. I asked you this last time, four years ago, you were on the show. I asked you this question. It's called the three truths question. You probably don't remember it, but I'm going to ask it again. I don't remember what I had for lunch yesterday. And I have your answers here. Oh, dang. So I'm going to see if they're the same or what has changed in the last four years. I love this. So this is a hypothetical scenario. Imagine it's your last day on earth. You get to live as long as you want But eventually you got to go to sleep right for the long haul

Okay, and you have this vision board every year that is just manifesting everything comes to life anything you want happens you accomplish Peaceful love fulfillment all these things are great health But one day you got to go and you got to take everything with you Or no one has access to your content or your information anymore. All your videos, all the Disney shows, the books, for whatever reason, it's gone somewhere else. But you got a piece of paper and a pen,

and you get to write down three lessons you would share with the world. Three things you know to be true. This is all we would have to remember your content by. What would be those three truths for you? One, I would say is much of my content can be defined by being a disruptor. I think that is my purpose on this planet. I'm very clear on that, is to disrupt things. So I would say, don't be afraid to look at the mold and break it into pieces and do things the way that are right for you, not the way someone told you to do them.

and do things the way that are right for you, not the way someone told you to do them. I would also say that you shouldn't take life so seriously. And that's what the power of comedy is. A lot of my videos are taking my traumas and pains and making fun of them, you know? And I think we should be able to laugh at ourselves and we should never get to a place where we can't laugh at ourselves.

And then I would say that we are doing a disservice to ourself if we are not showing stories that actually showcase what the world is like. And I know representation is kind of a fluff word and a buzz word at this point. Representation, what does that actually mean? It means that there should be stories for everyone and not every story has to be about everyone. But there should be stories for everyone. has to be about everyone. But there should be stories for everyone. Everyone should be able to look at something

and be like, I see myself in this, and now I can kind of understand myself better and I can understand others better. We all deserve that type of medicine, I feel, in life. Yeah, not every story is for everyone, but there should be. There should be stories for everyone, although not every story has to be for everyone.

Yeah, okay. Because I feel like we also criticize stories a lot, because well that's not my experience it doesn't have to be your experience it's someone's experience and everyone should be able to look at someone and say that's that's kind of me yeah yeah well if people want to know the other three truths you had we'll have it linked up so they can watch this amazing because you had three different things did i from here and that last time which is interesting to see just kind of where you're at. Yeah, the evolution. That's cool.

That's a cool thing you do. Yeah. Look at you and your awesome podcast doing cool things. We're having fun. Good on you. We're having fun. Before I ask the final question, I want to acknowledge you for the incredible growth that you've had, for the journey you're on, because I think it's really easy for a lot of people who have built following success and accomplishments to not look within and do deeper work because

things are working on the outside and they're getting recognized for the things they've been doing for so long. But the fact that you were struggling on doing this book multiple times for however long and said, something's not working on the inside fully. What is that? And how can I heal and transform and go beyond that? I think it's really beautiful. So I really acknowledge you for the growth, for the work, for diving in on yourself and going from a two to a 10. I think it's really powerful. I think it's hard for a lot of people to be at a 10 these days, or even like a seven through 10 range on average.

So the fact that you were doing that work, I think it's really inspiring. And it's a beautiful representation of what's possible for people when they accomplish something externally as well. There was a quote I think I saw you post on your Instagram recently that was like, you wanted your life to be identified more on your potential rather than your pain.

Yeah. Isn't that right? Yeah. It was about how going back to relationship with yourself and how we define ourselves. If you don't have a clear idea of who you want to be, you often define yourself by pain. Your past pain. Yes. It's why when people would ask me, tell me about yourself, my answer would be, well, you know, I've had some mental health struggles. I had a rough childhood. I instantly gravitate to those types of answers because I've defined myself by the pain because the potential of who I could be is quieter than the pain in my brain.

And so the quote was that pain often screams louder than potential in our minds. And I don't want to be that person. I respect and acknowledge and see all of those painful things about me and I'm not trying to erase them. But what I'm trying to say is that while they are part of who I am,

they don't need to define me entirely. When someone asks me, tell me about yourself, I want to say, well, I'm going to create great things. Actually, I'm going to create things that change the world. And I want to answer like that with potential rather than pain. You know, we always define ourselves by our struggles usually. And those struggles are beautiful, but we're also more than those struggles. Yeah, that is beautiful. I love that. I'm going to start doing that more as well. My final question for you, Lily, is what's your definition of greatness? Someone who actively puts the work into discovering their purpose.

Whatever that purpose is. I don't care if it's making great ice cream or changing the world. Whatever your purpose is, you put the work into learning why you're here and what you can uniquely offer. I think that is greatness because I think people should impact the world in only a way they can. But so often we don't put the energy into figuring out what that way is.

Lily, appreciate you. Always appreciate you. Thank you so much for having me. Thank you so much for listening. I hope you enjoyed today's episode and it inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full rundown of today's show with all the important links. And also make sure to share this with a friend and subscribe over on Apple Podcast let me know what part of this episode resonated with you the most. And if no one's told you lately, I want to remind you that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter. And now it's time to go out there and do something great.