The School of Greatness - If Your Partner Deeply Loves You, They Will Do These 3 Things! w/ Stephan Speaks EP 1351

Episode Date: November 21, 2022

Stephan Labossiere is a man on a mission, and that mission is to make relationships happier and more fulfilling. As a certified relationship coach, speaker, and author, Stephan seizes every opportunity to help both men and women overcome the challenges that hinder their relationships. In this episode you will learn,Why making the safe choice in a partner almost always fails. The conversations you need to have before committing to a relationship.To establish a great structure for communication early in your relationship.The problems with splitting things 50/50 in a relationship.For more, go to lewishowes.com/1351

In order for it to be safe, it means you are not deeply invested. You may be invested, it may be deep compared to certain people's perceptions of deep, but it's not as deep as you know you can go. Welcome to the School of Greatness. My name is Lewis Howes,

former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur. And each week we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin. We were just talking about sex. We were talking about that women have been told that they have no hope after 30. And we were talking about, you know, and I was also going to ask you about the biggest reasons why people fail in relationships. And I'm curious, before we get to the sex and the hope for women after 30 in relationships, why do you think, or what are the three biggest reasons why people fail

in a relationship? Why they end up getting divorced, end up getting separated, breaking up? Why do you think the, what are those three things that cause that? All right. So, number one, lack of healing. Lack of healing because lack of healing probably leads them to choosing the wrong person to begin with, which is the foundation for disaster because at that point

there's not everything else I'm about to mention you can't really work it out with this person because you're just not in alignment with them. It's not a good fit and so a lot of people are trying to make things work with someone they just they just can't match up with properly, you know. Is that trauma bonding or what is that?

How is that playing a part? Some of it is trauma bonding, some of it is individual. So, what's happening is this phenomena if you want to call it that people are choosing individuals that are quote-unquote good enough to be with but they don't really make them feel

deeply about them. Because if I'm a man or a woman and I've been hurt before and I've been hurt before and I've been hurt when I let my heart out completely I fear being that vulnerable. So, now, you don't really ever learn how to not feel deeply about someone if they're just that person

but people learn who I can deal with and not fall deeply for. So, okay, I can be with this person and maintain emotional control they don't take me there so I don't ever feel like I'm too vulnerable in this situation. Do you think a lot of women choose the safe guy

as opposed to the right guy? Absolutely, and the safe choice is almost always if not always the wrong choice. Oh, man. Why is a safe choice always the wrong choice for a woman? So, think about it. In order for it to be safe,

it means you are not deeply invested. You may be invested, it may be deep compared to certain people's perceptions of deep, but it's not as deep as you know you can go. It's not as deep to where you feel like you'll be devastated by it. So, you're starting from a deficit as far as

I'm not fully into this, I'm not fully into this guy. But again, he may be good enough for me to work with and try to be with. But because you already have a built-in void so what happens is this, she chooses this man she's not really into him.

Let's say she's not that attracted to him and it's not that he's not a good looking guy, she's just not attracted to him like that. Well, because you don't have that attraction you're not going to pour into him at the same level that he needs you to. You won't be as intimate with him, you may not talk to him the way that he wants to be talked to,

you're not going to give him the same energy that you would someone you're actually very much attracted to. Well, that void initially he may not catch on to that or let that bother him because if he is indeed a man who is of a lower position than her or lower quality than her

he may just be happy to have this woman. Oh my gosh, I can't believe I have her. So, he's infatuated, he's going in, he's blinded by his desires for her. But at some point the smoke clears and then he realizes wait a minute, okay, I have her but I'm not being treated the way I want to be treated.

I'm getting walked all over. Exactly, it's all about her. Yes, I don't get the respect that I deserve here. And here's what's crazy. When that woman dates that man who she's not really into like that and let's just say she dates down. Well, she just raised his stock

to every other woman that's watching this. That's true. They're looking and they're saying how did he get her? What does he have? He must have something. He must have something.

Big pockets. Big something else. Big something else have something. He must have something. Big pockets. Big something else. Power something. Now, these women want to find out. Do you think women really think that way when they see a guy who maybe is of hypothetical less quality or seeming less quality than the woman that they're with? That they start to be more attracted to that guy? than the woman that they're with that they start to be more attracted to that guy? Yes, and even if it's not of a lower quality if as a man you are seen with an attractive woman,

a high quality woman, a desirable woman you become more desirable to other women. I've talked to friends where they've even gone to clubs they'll go there with a woman and they'll get more attention. And when that woman walks away, some of these women will try to slide in

and slip in a number here and there. Why do women do this? It seems like women don't have ethics or don't have integrity as opposed to saying, hey, I appreciate and I'm happy for you too. Why is it that some women Yes, some women.

want to get in there and try to quote unquote steal the man or influence the man to stray? Well, so it starts with the fact that women have this perception that quality men are... They're not in abundance out here. Yes, they're very scarce.

So, when you come across one or you think you come across one a lot of them have the mentality of oh, no, I have to try to get my foot in the door and see if I can get this for myself. If they thought it was abundant out there then they'll be less pressed to do that. But what happens if a guy okay,

leaves the person he's with for you? Is that woman then going to be confident that he wouldn't do it again? It depends. I think there are some women who convince themselves... Like there's plenty of women who have taken a man from a woman or

who have accepted that man leaving one woman for her and to her she's good. As long as she's getting what she needs she's good. But I do think that in the back of their head once something starts to go wrong that's when those thoughts start to creep in. I wonder if he's talking to someone else why isn't he giving me the attention anymore?

Exactly, and now... And I think it's even more likely that someone who knows about the situation will remind her well, you got him this way so you might lose him the same. And now the insecurities really start to kick in and it starts to become a huge problem. You talked about attraction, and sorry to get you off track here.

No problem. You talked about attraction. What do you think is more important, sexual attraction or spiritual attraction for a woman? I'm going to say spiritual attraction. More than sexual attraction. But I'm saying that with hesit attraction. More than sexual attraction. But I'm saying that with hesitancy, all right. You're pausing. I'm not 100%.

The only reason why I'm leaning towards spiritual is because I believe that women value intimacy, non-sexual intimacy way more than actual just raw sex, okay. So, if you had door number one hugs, kisses, caresses, you know, being emotionally available. Door number two just straight sex.

Women are choosing... Most women are choosing door number one, most men are choosing door number two. And so, because of that value for the deeper levels of intimacy I feel like spiritual attraction kind of fortifies that. Whereas sexual attraction

may not get them those things. So, that's why I would pick spiritual attraction. What would you say for any guy listening or watching if they wanted to attract the woman of their dreams or essentially any woman

that they really desired if they wanted to attract that, who would they need to become in order to set themselves up to attract an incredible, lifelong, loving partner who gave them a fulfilling, joyful life?

Mm. I would say they would have to become their most confident confident masculine self. Whatever that looks like it's going to look different for every guy but at the foundation of it there must be confidence in who he is and he must exude that masculine energy.

Not saying there aren't men who can't get them a loving partner not being the most masculine dude but you have a better chance at achieving it when you can walk in your masculine energy. That's the power of the man. What if there's a man who is extremely masculine

but lacks confidence? What type of partner does he attract typically? Well, I think lacking confidence it undermines the masculine energy. It's hard to be that masculine presence if you are lacking in self-esteem, lacking in self-respect.

The things you're going to allow a woman to get away with is going to start to lose... Cause her to lose attraction for you. So, it's almost like if you become her yes man a lot of women don't want a yes man. Most women don't want a yes man. It might sound good to some initially, but over time she gets tired of the fact that you can't think for yourself that you aren't giving a yes man. It might sound good to some initially, but over time

she gets tired of the fact that you can't think for yourself that you aren't giving your own perspective, that you aren't confident enough to stand in your own vision and your plan. So, that immediately takes you out of your masculine energy because now you're trying to become

so accommodating to the point that you've lost yourself in that process. And that doesn't work well in the long term. I mean, think whenever you hear stories of nice guys being run over and getting played it usually involves this man who is just trying to do

everything the woman wants and just putting all his desires to the side to make her happy. That doesn't work not like that it doesn't. That's kind of like the safe man, right? Yes. So, the safe man is not always

the right man is what I think I heard you say, right? Typically, but doesn't a woman want to feel safe in an environment with their man? Yes, but the safety... So, the safety that's being achieved by picking the safe choice is I don't have to be too vulnerable in this relationship.

So, I'm able to guard myself from devastating hurt and disappointment that I've probably experienced at least once before at least at a level that I felt like I don't ever want to go there again. That's very different than the man who she is completely invested in,

completely in love with and he understands the need to provide safety and security for her. The need to make the situation or the relationship more stable for her where she can rest in her feminine energy so to speak while she's with him. That's two different types of safety.

So, it's like okay, if you choose a safe man but essentially it sounds like that's a space where you don't have to fully open up and be vulnerable. It's a space where you probably know you're in control. Where you're probably

have more value to offer or this person is desiring you way more than you desire them. And that's the big one. It's a situation where she feels like he wants me or he loves me more than I do him. And that's where they feel like it is safe.

But again, it doesn't work in the long run. Never. Yeah, I want to say never. I should never say never, but I'm going to use that word right now. Because if someone, if you are in a relationship like that and maybe you're not even conscious

that you're doing it in the beginning but you realize a year two years in okay you know the person I've chosen really doesn't step into his confidence or his masculine energy he'll do anything I wanted to do at all times he stops his dreams for my dreams whatever it is what is typically the women you've worked with how do they what do they say about that what do they feel about that and what is typically the women you've worked with how do they what do they say about that what do they feel about that and what is their struggle is it they want to leave is it they just feel bad they don't feel the connection anymore what is it that they feel well so it's it's a tricky place because at that point it's hard for them to fully express what's going on like one things i tell

women is that one of the worst positions to be in is with a man you're not truly in love with. Well, with a good man you're not truly in love with. Why is that the worst position? Because at that point if she's feeling empty, she's feeling bored,

she's feeling unsatisfied, who can she run to and say this to that won't say but wait a minute, you have a great man, you can't do that, oh, just work with... Like, no one's going to say oh, yeah, you know what I get it just walk away. Now, I won't say no one but

most people aren't going to allow that to be a good enough reason for her to walk away. So, she knows she's going to get pushback from people but not just pushback from people from her own self. It's like okay, wait a minute do I leave this great guy who loves me so much

which is so safe here even though I'm not really that happy, I'm not fulfilled, or maybe I'm not that attracted to him. That's a tough position to be in because it's like it would be so much easier if he cheated on her.

It'd be so much easier if he was abusive or something. Then she can easily validate oh, okay, I got to go. And that's why some women in that situation what they do is try to create turmoil. Drama.

Yes, they're trying to find something to give them the exit to say okay, I don't have to be here anymore. Or to make that man want to leave them. And in fairness this happens on both sides, but I've literally talked to clients who the only reason they cheated hoping it would make their partner leave them.

Oh, my gosh. Because what was happening was in this instance she was trying to tell the guy over and over I don't want to be here. But again, he's this good guy I love you, I don't want to lose you. I'll do whatever you need, I'll change.

And out of guilt and sympathy she stays with him. But she's so not happy. So, now she's thinking okay, he won't leave me even when I tell him I don't want to do this anymore. Even when I tell him this is not working. So, what can I do?

And some will actually cheat on purpose let the man find out hoping he would finally let go. And in some cases he still doesn't let go. He gets cheated on and he still wants to work it out with her and she feels trapped. And so, it just continues like it's just a never-ending cycle

until either one of them finally gets tired of it or I don't know just it just it's crazy. There's drama and stress yeah so what I heard you say for a man to attract the you know a joyful loving partner that they really desire and have someone that they really are inspired by for you know a long term I'm hearing you say that that man needs to step into their self-esteem their confidence and their their masculinity yeah they got to step into that leadership masculinity quality right yeah that essence if a woman really wants to attract the right healthy man someone that is safe in

terms of they can trust but um where they have to, they have to feel a little vulnerable to really dive in and they really care about this man in a big way. What does a woman need to do in order to attract that ideal partner for themselves? It's the same answer for the women in reverse. It's walking in their true, feminine, confident self. Whoever they really are but being that best version of themselves. And to what you were saying it can't be find a man

who you can be feminine with. It has to be be your feminine self first and you'll be able to attract the man that you can continue to be feminine with or that will honor, respect, and value your feminine energy and protect your feminine energy. That's what you want.

But what's happening to so many women is they become detached from their femininity or they're viewing it in a negative way. They're viewing it as weakness as when I'm feminine I get played, I get taken advantage of. And so, the mindset is

if I find the right man I can be that. So, you hear a lot of women say, well, I am feminine in a relationship. The problem is he can't see that far in to know that he wants to get in a relationship with you. You can spot it quickly. It's like a quick essence of seeing either a man or a woman if they're in that masculine or feminine energy, right? You can see it how they walk, how they talk, how they look at you, how they carry themselves. You can feel it in a few seconds probably. So if you're guarded and you're not allowing yourself to flow in that energy,

someone's going to see that and they're going to be not as attracted to you. You're going to be repelling. And what's going to happen is and I'm sure you can vouch to this. Once a person heals spotting, hurt, dysfunction, trauma is like, it's easy now. It's like your eyes are now so wide open. Crazy. You know, when we're not healed

we make excuses for it. Yeah. I've been there many times in the past. Exactly. So, I think that's what a lot of people don't realize is if you're still guarded the reality is you're guarded

because you're holding on to hurt that you have not resolved. You're holding on to fear due to past experiences. Well, healthy men can see there's something wrong and like, oh, I'm not going to go down that path. Yeah, I'm good with this. It's interesting because I've learned a lot in the past,

I don't know, four years from different relationships, from breakups and healing. And I really took your lesson to heart after I think the first time I interviewed you, where you were like, step one is heal, right? This is the healing journey. I didn't i didn't do that previous relationship i stepped into another one without healing and then i was just like i can never do this again because i thought entering a new relationship with a different person would create different results and that wasn't the case because i still hadn't healed exactly so it wasn't until i spent you spent six intensive months of therapy, coaching, and doing the internal work where I was able to start healing wounds. And it's a journey. It's not like you're healed after one day or something, but it's been a continuous journey.

I was able to spot it. courageously honest with who I am, what I want, the vision for my life and a vision for a relationship, my values, what are non-negotiables for me. And I was so clear to let go of any potential relationship that didn't fit within a vision that I had. I was so happy to be a single for years and create peace within, then enter something where i had to compromise constantly compromise now i'm all for alignment and agreements where there's maybe i don't get a hundred percent of everything i want every moment but we have a shared agreements and alignments on our values our vision and our lifestyle our lifestyle. And speaking about it early in a dating experience, for me, was the shift.

Saying, hey listen, tell me what you think about this concept. I love your concept of healing first before entering a new relationship. And something I did in the current relationship is I was like, we're not gonna have sex until we're committed, until we actually get clear on all these other things that I wanna talk about.

Challenge is I never had the courage to talk about these things early enough in a dating experience about values, vision, lifestyle, you know, all these things, my priorities in life. But this time I did. And I think it gave me a lot more peace being able to speak my mind without clouded sexual confusion.

Yeah. And I think a lot of people jump into sexual chemistry and acts of sexual interaction too soon before having the vulnerable conversations. Why do you think that is? And do you like that idea of waiting for a period of time until some type of a commitment? I'm not saying until marriage, but at least having these kind of conversations first. No, absolutely.

I think if more people could wait, it would make things a lot better. Right. As you said, not only are we afraid to ask certain questions and discuss certain things but it's like we don't want to face the possible reality of this situation so we keep everything on the surface. We keep it at the sex,

we keep it at hanging out here and having fun and yeah, we get along with each other's friends and blah, blah, blah and that's great but we're not diving deeper and it's because I think deep inside we may know that once we do this may not work anymore. And we...

And so, we don't want to have to face that we don't want to have to let go so we keep kicking the can down the road. So, I definitely think by removing... The more we can remove any distractions that impair judgment the better. So, sex is something that can definitely impair judgment. I'll give you another example.

I knew this one guy he went on a couple of dates and first date I think was a concert and the second date was some kind of other festivity. And I said listen, don't ever take a woman to a concert on the first date because here's the thing.

One, there's a huge distraction the concert going on. It's not really an opportunity for you two to dive into each other. Two, even if you guys don't really mesh well, if you have fun at the concert because you guys love that artist

and you love that atmosphere well, that's clouding your judgment to seeing but we don't really like hanging out with each other like that. See, hanging out with each other like that. See, hanging out with each other in fun environments that we already enjoy that doesn't qualify it. It's can we sit in a room with nothing going on

just talk and actually enjoy each other's presence. That tells us if we really like each other. So, I definitely think it's best to wait as long as possible and as far as why people do it, I mean, one, people are just horny. That's true. If we're going to keep it real

that's one of the things. I think also, again, for some... So, okay, for some women and this is just some women. The idea is if I sleep with him and I put it on him he'll like me. I'll get what I want out this guy.

So, it's a weapon for her. Right. For some guys some of it is just desire but some of it also is I want to make sure she actually is attracted to me because a lot of men have dated women, waited

only to find out that she had sex with someone else during that process. Or only to find out she was never really that interested. He feels used. So, his way, some guy's way of trying to confirm that you actually have genuine interest is through intimacy.

You see, so some will rush to that as a form of validation for themselves. And I think just also again, people sometimes get caught up in the moment and I hate when people say oh people sometimes get caught up in the moment and I hate when people say oh, well, there was this great sexual chemistry. Chemistry cannot occur

until you guys actually have sex. So, what you felt was attraction and horniness at the same time and it created this energy between you all and you want to move forward with that. And so again, you just have to be careful. Now, I think it doesn't mean every person who's had sex too soon is doomed.

There are people who've gotten married after having sex on the first date. You know, some people are able to pull back and still properly evaluate. But individuals have to be honest with themselves about how does this impact my ability to see if this is the right person for me and for me to show up as my authentic self in this relationship.

What do you think would be three things that every woman should either do or not do before they get into a committed relationship? Not even talking about marriage, but just I'm going to... Now, I'm going to be committed and we're going to commit to each other. What are three things they should or should not do before that? Okay.

Or three conversations or whatever it might be. I think one conversation that everyone needs to have is what do you see your role as in a relationship and what do you see my role as? Let's discuss all the needs and desires.

I really... I would argue 90% of people enter into a commitment not even knowing the full list of what this person wants and expects or is hoping for out of this. So, roles and responsibilities in a relationship.

Is that in a dating relationship or in a marriage relationship? It could be boyfriend, whatever level we're trying to go to next. So, if right now we're trying to just be boyfriend and girlfriend let's define that. I think defining it for marriage as well, that's the ultimate end goal would be smart

because what's the point of spending two years dating? Yeah, and then we find out we're on two different pages for marriage. But why do people not have this roles conversation before they come in? So, what's popping in my head right now is a lot of people are ashamed to state what they want.

Gosh. They feel like it's... They're not allowed... So, perfect example. There are some men out there and even some women who are sticklers when it comes to your physical appearance, all right.

And they have certain expectations as far as how they want you to look. But society, family, friends tells them oh, that's shallow. Oh, if you love them that shouldn't matter. So, then people become hesitant to say this is what I'm expecting, this is what I want.

Also, because if at that point you already like this person again, there's this fear of if I say what I really want I may lose what I'm hoping to hold on to right now, all right. So, let me just find a way to dance around this and hope we can discuss it later.

I also think some people just don't truly know and understand themselves enough to articulate what it is that they need and desire in this relationship. So, too many people haven't spent time just really asking themselves okay, what is important to me? What's going to make me happy?

And what is it that if it's not involved in this relationship is not going to allow me to show up 100%? So, basically if and I'm just using this as a random example. If you're a man and you value a woman who's cooking for you and you say all right, if she's not cooking

that's going to make you miserable to the point that you will no longer be showing up 100% for this relationship then you should not sacrifice a woman who can cook plain and simple. Whatever it is if it's for a woman you know, communication or going out often, certain lifestyles,

all these things need to be discussed. And I just think that people just they hope for the best rather than face the reality of going out often, certain lifestyles, all these things need to be discussed. And I just think that people just, they hope for the best rather than face the reality of what may be going on right now. And I think, you know, I speak for myself too, but I think I know a lot of people

lean too much on the sexual chemistry, right? Whether it be the desire, the feeling they have between each other or the actual act of sex that feels so good with the dopamine. You're just like, this feels so good to be with this person that they don't want to rock the boat and ask those questions or communicate. And here's what's crazy about that. For women, I can't tell you how many women have had sex with men. The sex wasn't that great. It was nothing special. But she likes him so much that she pushes past that.

Really? Yes, absolutely. How important is great sex for a relationship to last? In my opinion, it's extremely important. So, consider what you just mentioned with the oxytocin. The oxytocin is released through orgasm, all right. So, if you're not having sex

that takes you to orgasm you're not getting at least from my knowledge maybe I'm wrong, but you're not getting the full dose of oxytocin there. I also believe like I view oxytocin as like a God mechanism. Meaning, it was put there to help two people stay bonded together.

Yes, so if we are married or whatever and we're having great sex consistently we're going to be much more bonded to each other. If we're not having great sex we don't have that bond anymore. You see what I'm saying? Now, it's so much easier for things to get in between. So, I think that it's extremely important

but I will say that great if subjective and you know what level of quality that man or that woman needs is going to vary but they have to have their needs satisfied or else you're asking for trouble. So, this conversation about needs, needs to happen before you get committed, right? Needs, response, roles, and how you're gonna play, how I'm gonna play a role in this, how you're gonna play a role in this. What would that conversation look like?

You know, people have been together, dating for a couple of months, they're thinking about getting connected. Should they say, hey, here are the three things I wanna talk about. You know, Stephon speaks, said we gotta have these three conversations one's about needs one's about roles what was the third thing what would be the third one the third conversation to have or the third conversation to have oh man

I just think it's... It's about how we need to communicate when there is an issue. I think we lack having a structure of communication to where if there's an issue that needs to be resolved we understand how we go about this. You know, when you're trying to fix things on the fly or handle things on the fly

you're now at the mercy of your emotions and where that may take you in that moment. So, by having something that we agreed upon okay, we take maybe 10 minutes off in our own corners then we come back and we discuss this or we write a letter or you know some people have the rule we don't go to sleep mad at each other.

Having those structures in place because the communication without healthy communication relationship is not going to last and it's not going to be successful. So, it's important to have something laid out so we know how to go about this. You know I'm a huge fan in writing letters even when it comes to

discussing deep issues. So, maybe implementing that in the process but once we can agree to a structure and agree to we will always make time to sit down and talk about these things as well as adding constructive criticism. So, I think I mentioned this to you before like, I believe in relationship checkups.

So, that's another part of the structure where maybe we agree every three months or six months whatever it is maybe once a month where we have a time where we sit down and we go over all right, what's good here? What needs to be improved? What aren't you happy with?

Let's consistently constructively criticize so we are aware because what happens in so many relationships is that let's say you're not happy about something, but you guys never make time to talk about it. So, now it lingers and in that lingering now you're catching an attitude. Now they're mad at you

but they don't understand that at the root of it is this issue that was never expressed. So, now they feel like you're being stupid or you're acting crazy or whatever. Now that turns into a lack of intimacy because if she's feeling some type of way emotionally she's not going to be sexually receptive to her man. Now that turns into more resentment

and you see it just dominoes and it just gets worse and worse. Now, that turns into more resentment for... And you see it just dominoes and it just gets worse and worse. So, we have to establish communication structure early as possible. I love that you know something that Martha and myself started to do

before we got into a commitment I said listen, the only way you know this works for me one of my needs is that we enter the relationship in some type of therapeutic coaching experience. It doesn't have to be a therapist. It doesn't, you know, whatever we want to do, we need a third party that we can sit with once every couple of months and talk about agreements and just making sure we're staying on track with what we want in the relationship.

That's something that I always wanted, but never created. And I said, listen, this is the only way this will work for me, is creating that, making sure that need is met. She was like, I'm down. And what that did for us was it allowed us early on to create an agreement about how to communicate when things were uncomfortable, right? And one of the agreements was like, listen, I'm never gonna yell or raise my voice, but I can't have someone else in my space doing the same thing. Like if you scream and you yell

because you can't manage your emotions, that doesn't work for me. And if you wanna yell at another person, then cool, but that's not gonna be me. And so we created that agreement, right? And there hasn't been yelling. There's been uncomfortable conversations, but we have agreements on how to communicate

with each other so it doesn't escalate. Exactly. And it's been a beautiful practice because we both have an agreement and there's a third party that witnessed the agreement. You know, as opposed to, no, I never said this. People do it all the time. You create something you talk about

when you're all loving and kind, but then a year later, like, I never said i'd do these things right so i think it's really for me it's been really helpful to just over communicate in some ways and be like these are what i need this is what i want and are you in alignment with this yes that's been really powerful so this masculine and feminine energy is something that you say has been, you know, people have been confused about lately. Yeah. Right. Why are people confused about understanding and stepping into their masculine or feminine energy?

So it's I'm trying to find the right way to say this, but I'm just going to say it. way to say this but I'm just going to say it. Society has been pushing for equality so hard that they're now causing a lack of balance between men and women. And don't get me wrong, I mean, I'm all for equality in certain areas, right. But I think we have to recognize we are two different types of people,

we are wired differently. If we would come into understanding of our differences we can create more harmony. We don't need to be like each other. So, here's one perfect example of how I feel like it's throwing things off a lot going back to the sex. So, you'll have this push where people are saying well women are just like men when it comes to sex. I even one time many years ago I won't say the name of the company but I was brought to a dating app company and there was me and a few other people and they had this presentation and they had the scientists that said

there was a study that shows women want sex as much as men and I disputed it I was like no I said I think what that study is not taking into account is that you guys are combining intimacy with sex women want intimacy and unfortunately for most women they feel like they can't get the intimacy unless they go through sex to get it, all right. So, just getting a guy to just cuddle with you and touch without it

trying to escalate to sex that's hard for a lot of women they don't experience that. You talk to a lot of married women they'll say the only time my husband wants to touch me is when he wants to have sex. So, going back to this pushing that men and women are the same.

So, look at it like this, if you're telling men that women are just like us that man now feels like there's no need for foreplay, there's no need for connection outside the bedroom, there's no need to make sure she's there emotionally or mentally because we don't need that, all right.

When we're ready to go, we're ready to go. It could be World War III outside we're still ready to go. But that woman if she is consumed mentally that's going to hinder her ability to show up sexually. If she's stressed out. If she's stressed out,

if there's too much going on, if she doesn't feel comfortable and safe in that relationship. Again, the connection outside the bedroom affects the connection inside the bedroom. She needs a little bit more as far as foreplay and again, is this every last woman? No, but typically this is the case.

So, by fighting for equality you're limiting people's ability to have sexual harmony, all right. But if we accept it okay, these are the differences this is what I have to do as a man to create a more sexually receptive environment well, things everybody wins. What does a man need to do to create a more sexually

receptive environment? So, I think the first thing is the connection outside the bedroom. Again, so here's... As we said earlier, women want to feel safe. They want to feel secure. If you can... But if they go after the safe guy,

they won't? Yeah, they're different. They go after the safe guy, that's just a guy who they don't have to be too vulnerable with. But we're talking about creating safety where she can give you all of her love, all of her heart, but she can rest a little easy

that you it's in good hands, all right. That you have good intentions, that you're not judging her. That's one of the big things you want to let a woman feel more sexually receptive you can't make her feel judged. You know what I'm saying? The minute she feels like you're judging her

you're going to look at her some kind of way you make it harder for her to open up to you in that area. What about when a woman judges the man or makes him wrong or he's not enough? I think well, I say this I think it will hurt him in his ability to show up emotionally for her.

It doesn't have the same negative impact on him sexually, can it? Yes, but not as common as it will for a woman, all right. Most men even though they're feeling some kind of way they're going to still show up into the bedroom no problem. But opening up emotionally becomes harder. So, that's why a lot of men struggle

speaking to their woman and letting her in into his life even deeper because of the fear of she won't respect me if I tell her how I'm really feeling. She'll look at me different. So, that's and again, it highlights the differences of how these actions impact us and the environments they create in our relationship.

So, I think that we've got to get back to understanding the difference between men and women, the balance of the masculine and feminine, and why that is so important to the success of a relationship. How do people start to buy into that again and believe in that

and start to shift the way because it's like telling people to completely shift who they are, how they've been acting in order to buy into that, believe it, and not get hurt

by stepping into that. Yes. I think step one is asking yourself what kind of life do you want to live? Yeah. Because a lot of people's struggle

with getting in tune with their energy is due to letting outside noise tell them how they should live. What should be acceptable. So, for example, if you're a woman and you want to walk in your family and let's just say not even just walk in your family.

Let's just say you're a woman and your heart is in having a family, being at home, doing these things. But society is telling you can't do that, that's weak, you can't rely on a man, all these things. Well, it pushes her away from where her heart really wants to be. And now she's at conflict with herself.

And how can you create that life that you desire if you're at conflict with yourself? It's the same thing for a man. If you as a man want a woman who can be feminine to you and have a certain lifestyle in the household, but you're letting society tell you no, 50-50 and all these things.

Well, you can't do that like at that point you're compromising what you really want, who you really are and that takes you away from achieving what you're trying to achieve. So, each individual has to sit and ask themselves okay, what kind of life do I really want to live?

And what kind of life would I want to live if there was no fear of getting hurt? Or fear of judgment. Exactly. Because now if... Because I tell you this, if most women like... The topic of being submissive is a hot topic for a lot of women.

A lot of women don't like that word. But I always argue that if you sat down with a bunch of women and say listen, if an angel can come from the sky and say I will give you the most amazing man, he will tap into all you need, he will make sure you are protected, never cheat on you.

All you need to do is be submissive to him. 90% of women will sign up right away. And what does submissive mean? Submissive meaning in allowing him to lead in the relationship. Well, let me say this because I think when people hear submission they do think of dictatorship.

They think of doing as he says, they're thinking of this power struggle, yes. Submission in my eyes when it comes to relationship is one, allowing that man to love you. What I mean by that is this, when a man is truly in love with a woman he wants to do for her,

he wants to provide for her, he wants to make sure she's good. If you don't submit to that you're going to be in this energy that's I got it, I can take care of it. It's not letting him love you and not letting him love you you're carrying this unnecessary burden

that's wearing you down. So, even when I speak to men being leaders in the relationship it isn't to say that women are incapable of doing things. It isn't to say that she you know, she's bad at whatever. It means listen,

you letting him take that burden off your back makes everybody win. Because now you can thrive in your element, he can thrive in his. We feel good about taking on that challenge and providing and doing for our women. I've never heard a man complain about having to lead in the relationship

as long as he feels loved and respected. Yes. If he feels appreciated. If he doesn't feel loved, appreciated, or respected then it's exhausting. Yes, exactly. That's the only time.

If she's complaining that you're not doing enough and you feel like man, I'm carrying this whole relationship, I'm doing all the work, I'm paying for everything, I'm doing all the chore and you're still don't respect me. Exactly.

Then it's exhausting. Exactly. On the flip side though, there are tons of women who at a certain point, they don't want to have to be the leader of the relationship. Why do so many women take it on where they tend to make more money

and maybe the guy isn't working as consistently or they have a part-time job or they're a little lazier, let's say. And why do certain women get into a relationship like that where the man isn't providing necessarily for himself or for the relationship and then stay with men like that? It's like we talked about earlier. It's leverage. It's control.

It's power. You know, it's he has to value me. It's also, listen, if she's having a hard time dating men of a higher stature well, it just becomes easier to date that guy. Not to mention in her defense that woman if she's not... If she's walking more in a masculine energy

she's going to attract men who don't have much going on for themselves. Why is that? Because again, we attract that balance. It's a natural thing. You're not going to see a feminine woman being drawn to a very feminine man. It doesn't happen like that.

And that's the same way you won't see a very masculine man be drawn to a masculine woman. He may want to have sex with her, he may want to enjoy some things with her. He's not going to want to live life with her. Exactly. It's interesting. Because those energies conflict.

We need balance. So, what happens is that woman that's giving off more masculine, she attracts that man who he needs her. He needs her to stabilize his life. He needs her for the resources. He will tolerate that energy because he does not possess it within himself.

Or he doesn't want to go out there and work harder. Exactly. So, it's easier for him. And so, yes, she's getting more of those guys coming her way than the established man. And again, in her defense after a while you know, you start to say

well, maybe I should give one of these guys a chance. Right, right. Maybe I should try this out. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad. Good guys, yeah. And you know what sometimes they're not even good guys. They're just guys who are willing at that time to put in more effort.

So, here's the thing like, I was speaking to Jay Shetty and he was saying when he first got with his wife he didn't have a job. So, he was able to spend every day with her, all right. And she kind of got accustomed to this. And I bring his example to say a lot of times that guy

who doesn't have anything going on for himself right now is more available to chase, to pour into, to do whatever she needs. Spend quality time with her, yeah. So, that also allows the woman to fall into the trap of being with this guy even though he's not really a great guy for her.

Because he's not doing things to provide for her because he's not doing things to provide for her and make sure she's good. But he's keeping her attention. Yes, he is feeding her the attention that she desires and in return taking her resources. In a lot of cases. So, with this 50-50 thing why do you think this is such a big topic? Let's say in the last probably 10, 15 years where it seems like it's 50-50 in the relationship. 50-50 spending, 50-50 taking care of all responsibilities, 50-50 taking care of the kids. When the woman needs to get up and nurse, the husband needs to get up and be emotional support during that time, share the time taking the kids to school, changing diapers, whatever it is that society is saying.

Why is this 50-50 thing been so prominent and why does it not work for both men and women? All right. So as far as why it has risen to prominence is again, I think it's just fight for equality. We're fighting so hard and we're losing sight of the bigger picture of balance. Balance is what we need for success, not equality in the relationship.

And I would argue that equality in a relationship does not actually exist. Because if you were to examine 50-50 relationships what you will find is over time it's going to shift to one person doing more than the other. And I would argue 90% of the time it's the woman doing more than the guy.

Because think about this, the mindset of the man who wants to do 50-50 is very different than the man who's so in love with this woman that he wants to provide for her. His willingness to even accept 50-50 is very different than the man who's so in love with this woman that he wants to provide for her. His willingness to even accept 50-50, he's going to be reluctant to do that.

It's kind of like going on a date with a guy and one guy is down to pay Dutch and the other guy is like, don't take your card out, I got this. They already have a very different mindset. So, that guy who's opened the 50-50 from the jump, the chances that he's going to change later on and want to take on more is not likely. He's going to get comfortable in to 50-50 from the jump the chances that he's going to change later on and want to take on more is not likely.

He's going to get comfortable in that 50-50 or do even less. Also, consider this even when we say 50-50 on the bills. 50-50 on the bills in my opinion would be 20% of your income, 20% of their income. That's not what a lot of people do. The mortgage is let's say 1500

and we split it 750, 750 but the guy let's just say makes $80,000 the woman makes $40,000 that's not equal. Right. You see what I'm saying? She's making a much bigger sacrifice than he is. So, that alone eliminates this idea that it's 50-50. What about the whole raising the kids thing

of like you got to you know... Exactly, raising the kids. Now, of course to, you know... Exactly, raising the kids. Now, of course, are there scenarios where sometimes it's the man who ends up doing more? Absolutely. But in most cases, the woman naturally gravitates to being the one who handles the kids more. That's what you're going to find.

So, again, you're going to start to see it get skewed in certain areas to where you're not maintaining this 50-50. But then, if we go deeper into why this doesn't work. So, one, it doesn't work because it doesn't... It's not really sustainable in the vast majority of cases.

I'm not saying no one's ever pulled it off, but in majority of cases it doesn't work. Number two, you know, there was a study that shows I believe it was a study that said egalitarian relationships are like the most sexless marriages or the most sexless relationships. Egalitarian meaning like...

Equal, 50-50 equal, you know what I'm saying. Sexless. Yes. Why is that? Because basically you're neutralizing the masculine feminine polarity. Polarity of it. Exactly, it's now just neutral.

Flat. Yeah, it's flat, it's not... There's no excitement there, there's nothing there. It kind of reminds me of this guy. I don't want to put him on, but I don't know his name, so I guess I could say it. There was this guy on Twitter.

I think it was like late last year. And he posts that he... How his wife just came home from like a 16-hour shift or something crazy like that. And here she is shoveling the snow in the driveway

and how he's so proud of her. Let me get her coffee ready. And the commenters ate him up like they went in. But you know in his mind it's we're equal, we're 50-50 look at her doing all these things. But in reality

if a woman had to come home to a man that puts her in that position all the time doesn't step up she's going to start to lose attraction. home to a man that puts her in that position all the time doesn't step up she's going to start to lose attraction. And you're again, overburdening the woman. What a man has to understand and it's actually mentioned in the book

The Way of the Superior Man. Yes. Where he says don't make your woman your everything. I think what men underestimate is that women are in their head a lot. They're constantly thinking, constantly processing. So, if too much is on her plate she becomes mentally exhausted,

mentally worn down. Yes, so when the woman says I'm too tired for sex the man thinks well, you weren't doing nothing all day. Her mind was a million different places all day. By the time she got to this moment she does not have the energy. When the mind goes the body goes with it.

So, when you put too much in front of her you are taking her... Taking away her ability to thrive in certain areas. So, as the book mentioned you want to identify as a man what do I need most from her? What's going to be most important for me?

Let's now hone in on those things and find someone else to take care of the rest. What are the things that men need most from women in general? What are some of the things? What are the things that you think men need most from women in general? I think... In a relationship.

Yes, support. Support and let me add to support by saying a belief in that man. You know, I think we need a woman that believes in us that kind of reveres us so to speak. Has that respect for us and views us in a great light.

Because again, as men we're going to have moments where we may question ourselves we may feel down and if that woman that we're with can't pour into us in that way in that moment with a genuine energy of I believe in you,

I support you, I love you, that's going to be tough to deal with, all right. I think also sexual satisfaction for most men is extremely important. I think women underestimate how serious of a need sexual satisfaction is. For a man. Yes.

And again, it goes back to not understanding we are wired very differently. By biology... Look at it from a biological standpoint. We have more testosterone than they do. More sex drive. Exactly. We naturally have more libido. Part of the reason why is because

and I hope I'm saying this correctly. The DNA's main primary objective is reproduction. Yes. It has to keep us ready all the time. And so, because of that that's why I'm sure you're familiar with semen retention.

Tell me. Okay, so semen retention is basically the practice of going without any sexual release over a period of time. And people have reported where over time they've developed like men, they've developed deeper voices, more muscle mass,

more confidence, more focus, all these things. By holding on to the release. Yes, by holding on to that life force so to speak and not releasing it in any way shape or form. What is happening from based on my research

what is happening is the body's saying oh, you're not reproducing. We don't need to keep... You're not mating with anybody. I need to make you more desirable. Really? Yes, because I need you to go do something. Wow. So, that's why I'm going to raise your testosterone, I'm going to deepen your voice,

I'm going to let that masculine energy pop out. You're going to get more confident, you're going to be more comfortable around women. This is what happens. So, that's why men who kind of bury themselves in constant sexual release through their own means, they don't understand they're robbing themselves.

Now, some people don't believe in it. I'm a huge believer in it. I believe it's absolutely real and it's extremely beneficial. But back to the point of men and women being so different again, we... And it doesn't mean that there aren't women

who need sexual satisfaction as well and there are women who may be just as sexual as a man. But in general on average a man needs it way more. Biologically speaking he needs it way more. So, to neglect him of that

it causes a lot of freaking problems. What happens if a man doesn't have the sexual release and experience and expression in an intimate committed relationship long term? Well, I think another thing that it can do to you is raise aggression because again with the increase of testosterone aggression also increases. So, there was a woman on TikTok who mentioned that we need more monogamy because as monogamy decreases

and less men have a partner that they can mate with and be, you know, be sexually engaged with you'll start to see a rise in rape, you start to see a rise in sexual abuse, you start to see a rise in crime., you start to see a rise in crime. There's all these negative things that start to happen because you have a group of men

who aren't getting any action, who start to get frustrated and it starts to pour over into negative ways. Now, granted I don't think we can solve every man getting it or not, but it just speaks to what's happening within a man when he goes without for so long

unless he learns... I will say this because it is possible to also, I believe, to channel that energy into other ways. Yes. So, as I mentioned in... Man, he talks about this.

Yes, and Think and Grow Rich talks about it, sexual transmutation. Yes. So, I do believe... We know about it. So, I do believe... The fight of all men

have to deal with like managing this energy. Exactly, exactly. And so now, what happens is if you are not an ambitious man or you're not a man that has created avenues for you to release that energy into something more productive

well, it's getting trapped and now that causes a problem. You see what I'm saying? So, you've got to find a way to release it somehow. But I think over time like we can only sexually transmute so much. You got to release at some point.

So, that's just really hard. But again, there's some men who have conquered it better than others. So, I'm not going to act like men can't do it. It's just not that easy. What do you think is the best way for a driven, confident, alpha, masculine man, healthy, conscious, masculine man to eliminate distractions or temptations when they're in a committed, intimate, long-term relationship from wanting to think about other women or

scroll on Instagram and dream about what that could be like and be tempted to say I need more partners Okay, you know, what is the you know, what is the best way for men? Who might feel like gosh? I just it's hard for me to hone this in and stay fully like present with my woman and think about, can I be with this person for 50 years and only be with one person? What is the best solution for those men who might be, maybe women are so attracted to them because they are desirable men. They have a great partner, great life, great relationship. Women are just trying to come in and steal them. Yeah.

How does a man stay fully present in their relationship, fully integrous, fully committed for the long-term vision while being present now? You have to cut off everything that feeds the struggle. So, if you know looking at Instagram puts you in that place you can't be on Instagram. Now, I know that's easier said than done depending on a person's profession and all these different things, but literally you have to cut off all influences that push you on that path.

Because it could be Instagram, it could be the music you're listening to, it could be the TV that you're watching depending on what you're watching. And I know it's tough because you get to a point where it's like, well, I got to cut off everything almost. But yeah, yeah,

the more you can remove these outside influences the easier it is for you to be present with your partner. I remember one time there was a guy his wife had got pregnant. I don't know if they were married at that time. Either way, his partner was pregnant she put on some weight,

he found himself less attracted to her. They weren't having sex as much. He went to get some help, they suggested stop looking at porn, stop looking at Instagram. He stopped for three weeks, he looked at pretty much no other woman unless he passed a woman in the street.

He said after three weeks he found himself more attracted to his partner. Wow. Even without the weight loss. Now, it doesn't mean he still didn't want her to lose weight because sustaining that it was still going to make some adjustments,

but it did help. Interesting. Because he didn't have these other influences constantly being put in his face that makes him question okay, what's going on here? Like, I don't like this or you know, dang I could have this too or you know... What that would be like. Exactly. So, what's going on here? Like, I don't like this or, you know,

dang, I could have this too or, you know. Or what that would be like. Exactly. So, it's just we've got to know our weaknesses and where we fall short and just cut it off at the root as best as possible. I think it goes back to also communicating your needs, you know, your agreements, your roles, responsibilities in the relationship

and making sure your needs are met as a man. Yes. If your needs are met as a man. Yes. If your needs are not met and... It opens the door. You're like, oh, okay, if I can't get it here, then I wonder what that would be like or this would be like. Yes. That's why I think it's really important to have these real, honest conversations before you get committed about what your needs are. Absolutely.

Maybe there's a man that's like, I only need to have sex a couple times a month and I'm happy. For me, that doesn't work. Yeah. Right? You know, maybe in 20 years it changes. I don't know. But it's like, you got to be realistic and say, you know, I've had conversations with Martha where I'm just like, this is what I'm going to need. This is what I'm going to need. And are you able to provide this? If not, I don't want to push you on something that you don't want to do. And same for you. What are your needs? And can I provide those for you? Absolutely.

And if I can't provide for your needs, you shouldn't be with me. We shouldn't be together. It doesn't naturally align. Yes. Right? We should be naturally aligning. You have to change three things about you

in order to please me and I have to change everything to please you. I don't think that's the right match. No, it's not. There might be sexual attraction. You maybe have fun, you could be friends, whatever, but I'm talking healthy, long-term commitment with the least amount of pain.

You know what I mean? It's like there's going to be challenge. There's going to be adversity and pain that causes by living life. But if you can minimize stress and anxiety within the relationship, I think that's the best approach. Absolutely. And talking about needs is key up front. So I'm hearing you say men need to eliminate any temptation or distractions that might get them thinking about another option. Yes. And I do agree with you 100%. The next thing would be

making sure we lay out those needs and desires and make sure they're being met on both sides. Because I'm a firm believer you can't expect this person to meet all your requirements if you're not going to do the same for them.

But I do think that there's a lot of men who they don't take it as far as they need to as far as expressing what is it exactly you want from this woman to be happy. Even the weird, crazy, sexual nuances. You've got to go there. Even if it's uncomfortable, you feel like, man, they're going to judge me

or they're going to think this is weird. But if you don't get that, you're going to resent it in a year, two years, six months. Exactly. And you'll be thinking about, where can I get this met? And that's the key. If you can honestly say

if I don't get this I'm good. Like, I would like this but it's not a big deal to me I can go without it, cool. But if you know going without this is going to disturb you and be a huge struggle for you yeah, you're asking for problems.

Why do you think it's so hard for men to only be with one woman? Or why do you think it's so hard for men to only be with one woman? Why do you think that's the struggle for men when they think about it? Like, can I only be with one woman for the rest of my life? And they're like, well, if I could just have like a threesome once a year, we hear these conversations, but why is it challenging? And from the men that you've met who are extremely sexually satisfied with their one intimate partner for decades what is it they're doing differently or how they shifted that

thinking that they need more women so here's my current theories and beliefs that i'm not gonna lie to you i still struggle with in some points not because I don't believe what I'm about to say but because if true it's a hard pill to swallow. So, I'm of belief that the majority of men can actually be happy with one woman no problem.

I view it in the same way I view business, all right. There's the bosses and the workers and neither label is a negative to either side, okay. It's just a reality that there are men who they don't need a bunch, they don't need a lot in their life. If they're making a certain salary

they have a roof over their head, food on their table, needs are being met, they're good. They don't have this extra gear of ambition that says go out and do more. That kind of guy can have his one woman again, key is needs are being met. In the relationship.

Yes, in the relationship I think he's fine. He can do that for the rest of his life no problem. Live a happy fulfilled life. Yes. And understand because that man doesn't even have the desire in him

or the energy to go out there trying to mingle with other women and all that kind of stuff. Exactly. A lot of effort. Yes, it takes a certain kind of mindset and energy to be able to do that. A lot of guys aren't like that. They just want to be happy

and have their needs met and that's it. But then there's the smaller percentage of men which we could argue are the more desirable men of society who tend to be more ambitious men. Like I remember reading somewhere if I'm correct people like Einstein, Steve Jobs, all these geniuses high sexual energy. There seems to be this connection this correlation between these ambitious men these very unique individuals that do big things in life and them having this very high sexual energy.

And again, they probably had to learn to transmute some of that to accomplish what they accomplished. Where these types of men there's a greater struggle now to just be limited to that one woman because it's the same thing that they struggle with being limited to

one invention or one business. You know what the same thing that they struggle with being limited to one invention or one business, you know what I'm saying. They just have this mind and this desire for more. I got to keep going, I got to keep going. And so, I think that guy is the guy that... I don't know if it's maybe his testosterone

is higher than normal, I don't know. I don't know what is it in the man that causes that. But I do believe that every highly ambitious successful man I know the vast majority... So, let me not say every, but the vast majority of them have that struggle or don't even believe in monogamy

period, all right. Do you... Okay, finish where you're saying. Yeah, so, and I will say some of the ones who have like I feel for me personally the thing that helps me is my relationship with God. Yeah.

If I take that away I'm not going to lie to you. I don't know. You're a dog. It's a wrap. Without God you're a dog. Yeah, it's a wrap. And let me just be clear

not dog as in I would never be a liar. I'd never be playing women taking advantage of them, none of that. But would I be all over the place? Potentially. Yeah. Devon Franklin talks about this in one of his books about there's a dog in every man, right?

Again, not like a mean dog, but like a dog that has like a desire to go get another bone out there. And it's learning how to fight the dog within you that has that desire. What happens, have you ever met a man who's been in a marriage, let's say, or a long-term relationship with one person as a constant but has other sexual encounters with other women and the relationship works long-term with that one person still.

Open relationship or hall passes that are aware of this, the partner is aware of this, where you still have this really happy, intimate, connected partnership between the man and the main partner. Have you met anyone like this? No, honestly. What typically happens when a man is with someone but also is with other people? Yeah, so I think one, we have to make sure

we define what work means. So, to some people, it's working because they're still together. I mean, happy, healthy. Exactly. That's the key. So, for that to be the standard of what we call it's working, no. You haven't seen that. I haven't seen it. I'm not, you know, I can never say it doesn't exist 100%. But what I think is, what I believe strongly is that

the woman accepting that is already kind of killing off a piece of herself. That piece that wants to be number one in his life, that wants to be fully loved, to feel like he doesn't need anyone else but me. And I argue that kind of going back to masculine and feminine to show you another difference between men. Women need love at a level or in

a way that men don't. Meaning that if you went to a woman and you said, or you went to a man and you said, I will give you this woman she will give you everything that you need fulfill all your desires, but she cannot say she's in love with you. Will you take it? There's a majority of men who will take it because hey, I'm getting my needs met.

Yeah, I'm good. Who cares, right? If you go to a woman with the same deal he will fulfill all your needs. He'll be everything that you want. But he cannot say he is in love with you. There's a lot of women who can't take that deal. Really? Yes.

Why is that? Because again, they need that aspect of love, that energy, that it takes things to a different level that speaks to who they are. I believe that speaks to the feminine in the woman. The feminine in the woman craves that love. We are more in... You can call it the more logical mind or whatever you want to call it, but we just want... As long as we get what we need,

it's easier for us. And we feel respected. Yes, we feel respected and we're being satisfied. A lot of guys are like, I'm not passing that up. What would you say are the three most important things that every man needs from their partner? Is it respect? Support, respect, and I still got to use sexual satisfaction. Sexual satisfaction. Yeah. Support, sexual satisfaction.

And respect. And respect are the three things that most men need in a relationship. Yeah. For them to feel happy and fulfilled. Yeah, because if you take away any of those three it's a problem. If he doesn't feel respected it's going to cause huge problems.

He doesn't feel supported a lot of people don't realize a lot of infidelity does not start from that man having a sexual desire for another woman. It can start from a lack of support in the household and then you have other women coming around who are you know, feeding his head with I think you're amazing if you were

my man I would do this and blah, blah, blah. I believe in you. He doesn't get that at home and that opens the door to it becoming sexual. Which is why you'll see a lot of situations where the man cheats on his partner with a woman who doesn't even look as good as his partner.

But it's fulfilling some sexual need. Not even a sexual need, it fulfilled first the emotional need. And then yes, and it could be just sexual depending on what the initial issue was, but yes, it can go, it can either be sexual or emotional. But I think people always think it's a sexual thing with men.

An emotional need meaning like I'm not getting the respect I want, so that's an emotional feeling. Yes. Or not feeling supported at home, so that's an emotional feeling. Yes, yes. So the three things that every man you believe needs, most men need, is respect, support, and sexual... Satisfaction.

Satisfaction. Yeah. What would be the three things that every woman needs from their man to feel fulfilled? I want to say love and I guess when I say the word love I mean it from the standpoint of non-sexual intimacy. Being able to pour into her emotionally,

mentally, being able to hold her, caress her, everything other than sex. And again, it's not to say that women don't enjoy sex or don't desire or need sex, but if you just gave them sex and you didn't give them those other things it's going to be a problem.

Yes, love, yes. So, I think love, I think security. Again, it goes back to that needing to feel safe, needing to feel comfortable around you, needing to not feel judged around you. I think that's extremely important. Again, you take away a woman's security. I want to give one quick example.

I had one client where she was with a guy and while they were in a relationship she never had an orgasm with him, okay. They get married and it's orgasm city. Really? Yes. It just starts flowing out, okay.

Yes, boom. Now, she feels fully safe or comfortable. Yes, but then here's what happened okay. Yes, boom. Now she feels fully safe. Yes, but then here's what happened. Years in, he was in the military, he cheats on her. The orgasm stopped. And I always use that to say, listen, nothing changed sexually

as far as physically what was happening. But mentally and emotionally, she no longer felt safe and secure in this relationship. And that was enough to turn the switch on and off when it came to her sexual satisfaction and her being sexually receptive to him. So, definitely security is the other thing.

And I think I'm trying to find the right word right way to phrase this but I feel like the word that I want to use is stimulation. I feel that women need to be stimulated by their man. Now, that could be mental stimulation, that could just be spontaneous fun in the relationship,

just not being boring. Like, women can get very bored easily in a relationship. You have to find a way to keep her stimulated. Again, and I don't want men to hear that and think I'm constantly doing it. No, but there has to be enough in your bag that you can pull out when necessary

or that certain things you possess naturally that keep her in that place. Because once she gets too bored that opens the doors to problems as well. Is it harder for a man to provide these keys for a woman to feel satisfied? Or is it harder for a woman

to show up and give what the man needs to be satisfied? So, my honest answer, my initial, what I want to say is it's harder for the man. Because men, it's hard, it's in general, it's hard for a driven masculine man to really take a moment to be non-sexual and intimate in an affectionate, listening, compassionate, generous way.

And to think about how can I be spontaneous and fun and interesting when I'm just focused and driven to go provide and bring back. Yeah. It's harder, right? Yeah. So basically you can look at it as you've got to really be able to tap into your feminine side, so to speak. As a man. As a man to be able to tap into your feminine side so to speak. As a man.

To be able to tap into her needs and desires. Whereas, she doesn't necessarily have to tap into her masculine side to satisfy us. No. Other than you could argue maybe when it comes to her approach to sex. If she approached it from a more masculine like, I'm just ready to go then yeah, a lot of guys would be happy with that.

But she can remain in her feminine. And respect you and support you. Exactly. Interesting. So, it will be easier for her from that standpoint. So, it's really like men need to really learn

how to be masters of themselves and become master of flexing both the masculine energy and the feminine energy to be able to fully pour into their partner, their woman at a high level the way she needs to receive it. Absolutely.

And that means you can't just be the big, strong, tough, driven provider. You've got to have some sensitive vulnerability within you to be what it sounds like the ultimate masculine man. Yes. Right? Absolutely. That's definitely, it's all about the balance from within us. And we've got to and we've got to...

We got to get more comfortable with it. We got to get more educated on how we go about it. You know, because I want men to understand that though I'm encouraging them to tap into their feminine side to be able to provide some of these things

you don't want to lose sight of your masculine. And so, that's why it's still important like, I call it loving in your masculine, all right. You have to learn how to love in your masculine. And that might sound tricky, but I do believe it's extremely possible once you grasp the concept and you start to become comfortable with it.

Because consider yourself, now you're at a point where you had the confidence to say what you want, to lay everything out, you remove the fear of well, if she doesn't like this I'm going to lose her. No, you know what it needs to be either you're with it or you're not.

So, now that allows you to remain in your masculine while you still can provide for her in the ways that she needs, you see. We slide fully into the feminine when we become this oh my gosh, I have to keep her, I got to do everything to get her, whatever, whatever.

We become emotionally needy now it's like you're trying to do everything she wants but you don't have that balance of standing strong in who you are. And that's really all it takes in my opinion. That's why it's so important to have these conversations up front

before you enter the relationship so that you're comfortable walking away or losing someone as opposed to just giving in to try to keep them. Yes. Right. Never be afraid to lose them more than you're afraid to lose yourself. Oh, dang. You know what I'm saying? It's so true though. Yeah. Why do you think so many people are afraid to lose someone else and they'll give in at any moment because they don't want to lose someone? Well, you can't be afraid to lose yourself when you don't know who you are. It's true.

You see, you know what's in front of you with them or what you believe is in front of you with them. You see something and you're like, I want that. Exactly, but you haven't done the work within yourself to understand that this is not who you are right now. That this is compromising what you need. That this is undermining

what's going to allow you to be happy in the long run. Once you find that place, find that person within you and you embrace it and you're confident, now you can't be moved from that. And now you're going to approach situations

and relationships completely different. And again, that confidence and understanding of self alone is going to exude a certain energy that people will respect and make you more desirable in people's eyes. And you'll be able to see what you don't want.

Yes. You know, the wounds that someone else is carrying with them that you're like, I don't need to go rescue this person. They got to heal first. Exactly. Before they can enter in my space if I want to create a conscious, healthy relationship. Absolutely. Right? want to create a conscious healthy relationship. Absolutely.

Right, because why do you think so many men or so many women attract a partner with so many wounds or that is wounded and needs them to rescue them? Well, I think

I always tell people you know some will say you are what you attract and I dispute it because I feel like you can be the most healthy individual there's still going to be unhealthy people or people who still need to heal coming your way. Yes.

That's normal, that's life. You're going to attract everyone. Exactly, because everyone wants to be a part of your life. The key is who you entertain. So, if you keep entertaining these people who need healing, who have these issues then that speaks to issues within you

that have not been resolved. Right. And those things are feeding your need to either again feel like well, if I can fix them I have more value here, I have more control here. All the things we talked about earlier on in the conversation that's what's playing out

when you feel like you want to hold on to this individual or again, you don't know yourself enough to understand that this what you're doing right now you can't know yourself enough to understand that this, what you're doing right now, you can't even sustain it. And you will not be happy with this relationship. Even like people don't realize if they got this person they wanted so bad,

they're going to be more miserable after the fact. Really? Yes, because again, they're so blinded in the moment of I want them, I want them, I want them. They're not even considering what I have to do to even get them back and what I'm going to have to do

to keep them happy as well as you're probably setting the stage where they're going to get to say, oh, well, you have to work to have me. I don't have to work to have you because you're starting off unbalanced. So, why would they all of a sudden say,

okay, well, let me switch it off and now let me do more for you than you were doing for me. No. Part of the reason they even got with you is because you were overcompensating for what they weren't giving you. Right. So, you're going to end up miserable anyway.

But if you healed and you did your own work you would not go that far down the path. So, it goes back to creating balance in a relationship not equality. Yes. Right. Yes, and I want people to understand

when I say not equality again, I think that the man and the woman have equal value to the success of the relationship. I can't do this without you, you can't do this without me. But we have different roles. We have different roles.

Looking at like on a basketball team. Yeah. Think about the Bulls when it was Rodman, Pippen, and Jordan. Rodman can't do what Jordan and Pippen can do. You can argue that he is not as equal in value to them, right. But they cannot win the championship without him.

He is the missing piece to the puzzle. So, to me I don't like this idea of finding your equal. No, find your missing piece. Who completes your puzzle? Who compliments you? They don't have to bring the exact things you bring to the table.

They don't have to have quote, unquote equal value. No, they just have to be the compliment that when you guys come together you make a whole unit that's unstoppable. Mm-hmm. What happens when two healthy conscious whole people come together

and they're a powerful match for one another? What happens for those individuals in life? I just think everything gets better from there. Like, now you just have a place of peace, a place of understanding, you have a place where you can get re-energized and take on life a lot more. I think you can accomplish more.

I just think that two people coming together at that magnitude it magnifies everything in both of them. All the good in both of them. And whatever they were doing now they're gonna be able to do better later yeah so it's just it's an amazing thing when it happens have you ever seen a man never get in a committed long-term relationship uh live a healthy live a healthy happy life long term being with multiple women for the rest of their life no

being with multiple women for the rest of their life? No. I haven't seen it. You know, I think at some point, every man who has lived that life says to themselves, I really don't want to keep doing this. This is too much. It's exhausting.

I think with these different women, it's very unstable. It can be unpredictable. Who knows what drama may come with it. I think that there's a desire to just have one but for some what's stopping them isn't a lack of desire it's the fear of giving themselves fully to one woman.

Why are they so afraid? Well, because they've been hurt before. Most guys who live that life have been hurt before. Most guys who live that life have been hurt before. You'll see situations where a man could even grow up being a player. Maybe he had uncles, cousins that all said have your fun do your thing.

And no matter how much he's been programmed and trained to be a player he will meet a woman at some point that he's willing to throw in his player card for. He's like forget it I only want her. The problem is men are not taught how to handle when they feel that way about a woman. They don't understand how to go about it

so they mishandle the situation people get hurt things go left and now when everything blows up he's resenting love, he's resenting maybe that woman, he now shuts down and to him the solution is I'm not going to give my heart to one woman again.

Right. So, multiple women is a coping mechanism for him. Because I don't want to deal with the stress or the feeling trapped or the pain or whatever. I don't want to deal with the vulnerability of it. Ah, interesting. You see what I'm saying? Now, don't get me wrong I'm not saying there aren't men who...

Oh, I'll say this I think even the men who desire to sleep with multiple women would prefer to have that one woman and then do their thing on the side. You see, so they still want that one individual that they can rely upon even when they have a desire to sleep with others.

So, to me, I just don't see a man wanting to never have that one woman and just say, no, I'll just keep being with a bunch of different women. It's draining him. They want to have at least a partner where they feel supported, respected. Yes. But what I've heard in my opinion, you say,

is you don't think that works long term of a man having one woman and then having women on the side. No, because it's... You're inviting a lot of potential drama. Yeah. It's hard to... Parasite energy.

Yes. It's hard to be emotionally available for all... Listen, it's hard enough to be emotionally available for one woman depending on the type of guy you are, okay? All right. So, now you got to manage multiple women that's just really tough.

I think like even when you think about back in the days and I mean way back in the days kings and queens and you had kings with many women. That was more for reproduction right? It was like we need this. Yeah, part of his status reproduction some of it was

well, these women if they didn't if they didn't allow themselves to be married to this man or be one of his wives they'd be out in the street and homeless. But here's the thing like yeah, he might have been cool because he's king but these women weren't happy they just accepted it. It was acceptable enough to work with

but it wasn't what they really wanted and desired. Right. So, it's never this unit of two people who are just so happy in it and I would still argue that that king if he doesn't have a queen no matter how many concubines he has if he doesn't have a queen he still feels empty.

He still needs that one woman that he can share his life with. So, wanting to sleep with multiple women is very different than the need to have that one woman that you can share life with. What is your thoughts going back to submissive, this word that women, some women don't really like, right? What would be another word to be used for submissive that

you think women might be receptive to hearing and be like, okay, I'm going to listen to this perspective? I was going to say let your guard down, but no, that's not going to work either. They don't like that one either. Um, you know, I don't, I don't know. Is it feminine? Is it, what's the word like? Well, I think again, depending on the woman's perception of what these things mean and what they, or what they mean to her specifically will dictate how receptive she is to each word. And that's why I think at some point rather than trying to find a different word

I just want them to understand that submissive is not a bad thing. I'm not saying submit to every single man that comes your way. But if you're with the right man, if you are confident this man is a good man, is pouring into you, is showing up the way that he needs to,

why not embrace it? Allow him to lead in certain ways. Yes, but what I think women have to understand is because I guarantee you there will be some women who just heard that and say well, I have no problem with that. If he shows himself worthy, I will submit.

I think the disconnect is but you're not exuding an energy outside of that that says you're a woman who's capable of that. That's the problem. So, it's like yes, I do believe that most women in the presence of a masculine man who loves them and they feel safe around

is going to let their walls down and quote, unquote submit. Naturally it'll just happen they won't even think about it it will just naturally happen. But when she's out and about when she's at a party whatever the case may be

she's not giving off that energy so that man who's capable of pouring into her in that way doesn't even step to her he goes to somebody else. And so, I just want women to learn how to exude that energy more, but that doesn't mean you're submitting to every single guy that comes your way.

Sure, sure. We mentioned that about this before. I've been seeing a lot of content on TikTok about some women saying that, you know, once you hit past 30, your value as a woman has gone down dramatically for a driven, high desirable man. Yeah. Is there truth to that? Or what do you think about this for women over 30 who aren't married, who don't have kids? Are they as desirable as a great partner for men in their 30s and 40s? Or are those men that are now emotionally ready to commit more interested in someone younger than them? I think...

So, I'm going to put it to you like this. I think people have to understand there's a difference between what we put down on paper that we want versus what happens in the reality of life. All right? So, yes, if you ask the highly successful man would you prefer

an over 30 year old woman versus a woman in her 20s? Majority of them are probably going to pick in her 20s though they're going to be men who will say in over 30. And that's the thing I want you to understand not all of these men think the exact same.

They have different reasons. I've met men who are very successful who did not want to date a woman under 30, refused to date a woman under 30. Refused to date a woman under 30. Because they probably thought it'd be more drama or less emotional availability or whatever it might be. Exactly.

There's a trade-off somewhere and they didn't want to make that trade-off. And it's like, what do we have in common? Exactly. And depending on what that specific man truly values will determine which side he falls on. But what I want people to understand is again,

even if we said 90% of those men want under 20 on paper. Under 30. Under 30, I'm sorry, under 30. Under 20 might be a little... Take that out, no. We got to keep it above. But okay, under 30.

Then what happens is in real life though if that successful man goes to a bar, meets this beautiful woman exuding all this feminine energy, they talk, the conversation is amazing, they're in full alignment

with what they want and what they like, he's not going to say, oh, you're 31, I can't talk to you anymore. At that point, it doesn't matter. Once the vibe is there, the connection is there it doesn't matter. So, you have tons of people that

end up with someone who didn't fit what they would have wrote down on a piece of paper. You see because what we write down is like our most ideal based off our logic. So, it's almost like if you ask someone what kind of car you want? They might mention yeah, I want a Bentley. But when they leave the dealership

they're left with a Corolla or you know, a Nissan or whatever the case may be. Because they realize that's what worked better for them by the time they were done. So, I just think that people get caught up in what they're hearing on the internet rather than listen,

if you show up as your best self you can still win whether you're in your 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, whatever. It doesn't matter you just have to be your best self. And what I also want women to understand is your goal is not to appeal to the whole base of men. Your goal is to find that one man

who aligns with you. So, even if 90% of the guys say on paper they don't want this, well, maybe your guy's in that 10% and you'll be fine. Just focus on being your best you. Right, right. Man, this has been some good stuff so far.

What else do we need to talk about today you think? What else has been a big sticking point for people in relationships lately i i just think that in general there's this huge negative stigma on dating in general and a lot of people are just over it and they want to be done. And again... They're done with dating. They're done with dating. They're done with putting in the effort to date.

And a lot of people are confusing practices that don't work with that individual versus practices that don't work in general, all right. So, for example, let's going back again to feminine energy. If I say to a woman okay, walking your feminine energy

is going to get you more success. Oh, well, the last guy I was with he didn't appreciate it. Okay, that guy didn't. That doesn't mean stop being feminine because being feminine works, all right. But you have to recognize that that guy is not it for you.

Same thing, one time on a previous interview I did with Lisa she mentioned how there was a guy who goes on a date and she went on a date with her friend. At the end of the date check comes the guy looks at the check she looks at the guy he looks back at her. They're just sitting there looking to see

who's going to pay for it first. Finally after like a couple minutes he's like oh, thank God you're not one of them. And what he explained was his last date when he went to pay for the check the date chewed him out. And told him I can pay for my own meal

and just let him have it. So, now he became afraid to try to pay for the meal in fear that he would get chewed out again. And so, people are again, mistaking. No, the problem wasn't you trying to pay for the date. If you're a guy who's comfortable in that role or wants to be in that role

then that was your sign that you two are not a match. That's it. But don't change being the guy who pays for the date. Just change the woman that you're going to date with. So, yeah, a lot of people just in various ways. Don't stop being your best self. Yes. Just because it didn't work on one person. Exactly. That was just not the right person. Exactly. Keep being your best version of you. Keep healing, keep growing, keep stepping into your masculine or your feminine energy. And you'll be attracting everyone. You just got to learn how

to choose better people. Absolutely. Because you're going to learn how to choose better people absolutely because you're gonna attract everyone probably lots of different types of people absolutely you definitely will I mean again that's the thing like people who are who have found who have healed and gotten to that healthy place who are taking better care of themselves overall who are walking in that confidence they're seeing more opportunities from a variety of people like and even if they haven't found their love of their life yet they can at least say I'm meeting more people I'm seeing more chances for relationships to go further I'm meeting more people who want to be serious about me like that has all improved because they did the work within themselves. Yeah. I'm going to ask you a personal question. Go ahead.

What's it, you know, you've been single for a while, right? Yeah. Years. Yeah. You've been committed to yourself, developing yourself. What would it take for the right woman, the right match for you, for you to be like, okay, cool, I'm down'm down to explore like dating this person and then getting committed eventually what would it what would it take for you to witness an experience well you've met a lot of women yes a lot of great women um so as far as a willingness to explore it

that's gonna start with there has to be a strong attraction physically I believe in that wholeheartedly so that, that has to be there. Again, I talk about feminine and masculine energy all the time. So, of course, I'm going to be drawn to a much more feminine woman. That's what I like, that's what I appreciate, that's what I value.

Also, for me this one is a little tricky because I value a healthy lifestyle overall. So, eating healthier, working out, things of that nature. I'm not prepared to say that I would not give someone

who's not doing those things a chance. I would be more hesitant, but I'll say if that's in place that's a big green light for me. So, if all those other things are there and I find out you're into a healthy lifestyle as well, oh, yeah, we definitely can look more into this

and see where we can go. And then from there it's just more so alignment in personality. So, it's like okay, I'm a very introverted person. So, I need... I think it'd be best for someone who can have that balance to it. They don't have to be a super extrovert,

but I think if they're too introverted and I'm too introverted how will that really work in the long run? Again, I'm not saying I'm completely against it, I'm skeptical though if I'm being honest. I think the way that we want to live life I'm not the most... I'm a mixture of

I can be frugal in some ways but maybe probably not. No, I'll spend money that's the thing. When I like something I believe in quality, I like certain luxuries I'm going to spend it. What I've seen in a lot of couples is this battle that happens when you have this individual

who likes to live a more luxurious lifestyle and this person wants to live a simple lifestyle. When those values don't align it conflicts and creates a lot of arguments and problems and again, it starts with that small thing and manifests into all these other bigger issues. So, to me I would want to make sure

we're on the same page with the lifestyle that we want to live. And then after that it goes beyond them it's just about spiritually. Are we in alignment spiritually? You know, I pray about everything. So, I have to feel like God is telling me she's it.

If not, I'm not moving forward, you know. And that's the piece I think people don't understand as to why someone like me would be single as long as I am versus someone who has my same resume so to speak, but they don't have that spiritual side, all right.

Because now they're operating strictly from a logical place. And if I was operating from a strictly logical place oh, I could have married somebody a long time ago. But for me that spiritual element is huge and I can't turn my back on that. So, that's what I believe has prolonged the process and you know,

I have to trust God's timing. I don't know what the purpose is at the moment. Right. But maybe I'm not as ready as I think I am. You know, maybe certain things need to be established. Within you. You know, I honestly say not even within me

but within the purpose. I think like remember... I don't know if you remember last time we did one of these episodes you kind of called me out the fact that I had a letter I didn't write. Uh-huh. And I did it just so you know I did it.

So, I made sure I cleared everything. So, I've done... And of course, there's always room to grow, there's always more to learn. But I can confidently say I've done all the deep work. Everything that I talk to people about, I've done every step of it.

And I... None of it weighs on me anymore. Like, I'm good. So, to me, I think though it's things need to be established within the purpose. Because what I will say is I've seen a lot of guys

in my field that once they got married they took the foot off the pedal and they kind of fell off to be honest with you. Now, I'm not saying I would completely fall off but hey, it's real easy that once you find someone you love

and you're happy with you know... You're more relaxed. Yeah, you know, you're like maybe I need to do this interview today, maybe I don't need to you know, do this live right now. You know, let me just, maybe I need to do this interview today. Maybe I don't need to you know, do this live right now. You know, let me just go chill with my girl. It's easy to fall into that pattern.

So, I think that maybe for me there are some things that have to be created first foundationally and then that can be brought into my life. If you guys enjoyed this so far make sure to leave a comment about what resonated with you the most that Stefan was talking about, which point that he talked about that really speaks to

you. Maybe something you haven't done yet, something you did do that works well. I want to see in the comments, share this out as well. We'll have everything else linked up that we talked about in previous episodes because some of these were massive hits. So make sure you guys go watch or listen to those as well in the description. Stephan, you've got an amazing, lots of amazing books for people. You've got an amazing YouTube channel, Instagram, social media. How can we be of support and service to you today? Just follow me at Stephan Speaks on all the social media. You can go to StephanSpeaksShop.com to get all the different books.

I always want to highlight Love After Heartbreak because that's the one that lays out how to heal and you notice that came up a lot today. And I do believe it's the foundation of success in every aspect of our life. So, I definitely encourage people to go get that book. They can also go to loveafterheartbreak.com but yeah, just continue to watch the videos, watch this show, you know, and share it with all your friends and family. Share it out. I'd love to see what people think is the most controversial thing or the thing that they really believe in, but it's hard for them to say publicly.

So leave a comment below, let us know. Stephan, always a pleasure, my man. I appreciate you being here, man. Thanks, man. Thank you. I hope you enjoyed today's episode and it inspired you on your journey towards greatness.

Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full rundown of today's episode with all the important links. And if you want weekly exclusive

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