The School of Greatness - Manifest Success With These Daily Affirmations EP 1373

Episode Date: January 4, 2023

https://lewishowes.com/mindset - Order a copy of my new book The Greatness Mindset today!Humble The Poet (Kanwer Singh), is a Canadian-born rapper, spoken-word artist, poet, best-selling author, What began as reciting spoken word poetry in coffee shops to impress girls evolved into a creative adventure that has spanned the last 10 years.His first two books, UNLEARN & THINGS NOBODY CAN TEACH US have become international bestsellers. Visit him at HumbleThePoet.com.Make sure to check out his new book, How To Be Love(d)In this episode you will learn, How to get rid of the outdated programming inside of you.Reasons to question “the spark” you feel with someone in a relationship.Why establishing boundaries can help your love life.And much more!For more, go to lewishowes.com/1373James Clear On The Habits That’ll Help You Not Waste Another Year Of Your Life: https://link.chtbl.com/1372-podDo THIS To Destroy Laziness [SOLO]: https://link.chtbl.com/1365-podVishen Lakhiani’s 6 Steps To Manifest The Future You Desire: https://link.chtbl.com/1348-pod

If you feel like you're not living your most authentic life, not leaning into your purpose, and not living the life that your future self would be extremely proud of, I've written a new book called The Greatness Mindset, and I think you're going to love this. Through powerful stories, science-backed strategies, and step-by-step guidance, The Greatness Mindset will help you overcome all the different challenges in your life to design the life of your dreams and then turn it into your reality. Make sure to click the link in the description to get your copy today. Love is being disagreeable. Love is saying no. Love is standing up for yourself. So love is risking being likable.

You know, if you're positive. Welcome to the School of Greatness. My name is Lewis Howes,, former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur. And each week we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin. I didn't write a book as a love guru. I wrote this book as the guy at the front of the class taking all the notes, trying his best to understand this, and sharing it with everybody. So what did you discover? I discovered that if I love, you

don't find love, you don't win love, you don't earn love, you can only realize love. So going back to analogies, love is earn love. You can only realize love. So going back to analogies, love is a breeze. The only work you have to do is opening your sails. And if you can't open your sails to receive love, it doesn't matter how many people love you. It doesn't matter. You can have somebody worshiping the ground you walk on. You can't receive it. You can't receive it. So that was one of the biggest lessons, which there you know realizing that oh I don't have to do or be anything to have love in my life I have to do the work to receive the love that's literally I'm being flooded and surrounded by it and I think that was a big thing where instead of me thinking

oh I'm not with the right person I just need another person I need another person it's like no you have to address your root issues and if you don't address your root issues, you're going to have this problem forever. What were your main root issues for you? My main root issues, insecurity, unaddressed, not addressing racism I had growing up. So now overcompensating, trying to be as desirable as possible and only being able to measure my desirability through how many women were sliding in my DMS Value who validates me, you know, but then realizing that okay, there's so many places I'm in the in club but if I don't feel like you know, like after Poland the amount of Millionaires that DM to me saying how do I get in on this? Sure. Sure. It was a moment was like, wait a minute

I just Fall into the in-club? Because it doesn't feel any different, so maybe I need to, the issue isn't who accepts me, who invites me places, it's how I feel about myself. And so I think for me, working

with myself, having the relationship with myself, keeping promises to myself, voluntary doing hard things, like sitting in the ice, taking cold showers. And then at the same time, choosing love over being likable. What's the, what's that mean? What's the difference between being loved over likable? Being likable is not disappointing anybody. Being likeable is being accepted by everybody. Being likeable is feeling included.

Love is being disagreeable. Love is saying no. Love is standing up for yourself. So love is risking being likeable. You know, if you cross, love is having boundaries. Telling you you're crossing, these are my boundaries. You have to respect them. And not being afraid of being like, oh, that's going to reject a romantic partner or a friend or a business opportunity,

because I have rules and I have a code and I have boundaries. So I think these are a lot of things, because so often when we feel like we're in competition, the first thing we'll do is we'll reduce our boundaries to be more accepted. Like I'll work around Lewis's schedule, whatever he needs, just so he'll hang out with me. That's me reducing my boundaries to be liked accepted. Like I'll work around Lewis's schedule, whatever he needs just so he'll hang out with me. That's me reducing my boundaries to be liked. But now

what I'm doing is I'm chasing self-esteem and I'm reducing my self-respect. But the more self-respect I focus on, the less self-esteem I need. And we all know

those people that don't care to impress anybody and then we want their acceptance even more. Right, right, right. So I think for me, that's been a really big one,

which is like, okay, I have been outsourcing when I feel alone. I've been outsourcing that. Not understanding that loneliness is not a circumstance, it's a feeling. Because what's the difference between loneliness and solitude? Solitude, when you're by yourself,

solitude is what it feels like when it's rewarding. Loneliness is what it feels like when it's a punishment. What's the difference when I enjoy my own company? Why do you think so many people don't enjoy their own company? Because we have spent so much time understanding ourselves in relation to everybody else. And I think, you know, my parents grew up in a village, so I think for me it hits closer to home. It's not like multiple generations ago.

My parents grew up in a village of 50 people max. What everybody in the village said about them mattered. It probably directly impacted their actual survival. So they were very mindful of, like, what will people think? What will people say? That's not as relevant in a major city, but that stuff's still etched in their DNA. It's old software. Survival software.

Survival software that doesn't serve us in these environments. And I think from that standpoint, that's why we care and I think on top of that You know understand like okay, I said I told Lewis the story But then while I'm telling him the story he I can see his eyes gloss over and those are the subtle things that we used To think about do people like me to people not now there's a number attached to it. I posted a picture I got this many likes this many comments. Oh, then I posted another picture with a Lamborghini and I got this, I should do more of that. And I think we're getting these subtle pushes and pulls by every, all these different platforms and societal kind of tools that tell us this is who you need to be to gain more acceptance. And we're not doing it to feel better. We're doing it to feel less

anxious because we have this constant anxiety of we're going to be rejected we're going to be pushed out and i think that's you know our our environments have evolved quicker than our bodies right so it's it's an it's old software on the phone that we can't delete and we just the only thing we can do is be aware of it and i think so for me that's been this journey of being like okay well, well, what do I, do I need to be a bestselling author? Do I need to make a bunch of money? Do I need to make sure I'm included in the cool getaways and discovery groups? And I need to make sure I'm with the, you know, with all the cool kids in the wellness

group and then, you know, all the other people who are looking at it from the outside see me as the cool kid. Like, do I need that? Or do I need to say, hey, you're waking up at 6.30 a.m. and you did it. You're taking a cold shower and you did it. You promised so-and-so that you were going to show up to their event and you were super tired and you're stuck in traffic and you want to flake, but you're going to show up because you showed up because you said you were going to show up. All of these things are dramatically more important and they're going to reveal much more love in your life for yourself. And now you're the source of love instead of something that's thirsting and chasing love and trying to find it from everybody from every different situation.

And I think that's been a huge situation because I've also realized that I've had so much external validation. And it's great. You have the moment and then there's a day after right there's a day after the one-night stand the day after the award there's a day after having an event where you're the center of attention and then what you know there's a day after getting recognized on the street there's a day after all of these external things you just want more it just leads to you wanting more there's no they're delicious but they're not nutritious and I I think for me, that's been a really, the awareness of it. In the last chapter

of this book, I specifically say, look, all this book is, is me explaining the difference between French fries and broccoli. That's all I'm doing. And while I'm writing this book, I'm eating French fries and broccoli. I'm not better than anybody else. And I'm saying maybe there's a world where a plate can have french fries and broccoli in it and we can have a little bit of both, recognizing that one is way more delicious than the other, but one is way more nutritious than the other. And when we know the differences, that'll help us make better decisions.

And here's why we were fooled to believe certain things, because the most exciting couples we've ever seen on TV and in the movies are going to be dysfunctional. They have to be dysfunctional. You know, when you're in a good relationship, it's probably not worth filming because it's not the most eventful. It's not super high, super lows. I have a friend who produces reality shows and they just produced somebody's wedding on a reality show. And it's a happy couple. And she goes, I had to figure out how to make it dramatic without making it toxic so i'm like so what did you do she goes well we

didn't force them to fight all we did was we made uh everything they ordered for the wedding we made it all get lost oh my gosh there had to be some frustration had to be drama but at least they didn't allow it to be between the people they're just like oh you ordered your wedding dress from this country we sent it to the wrong location. Oh, man. So now the episode will be about chasing that. So we have to realize that we've been socialized to think that our relationships have to have drama

because drama makes for good television or good movies. But relationships should be peaceful and uneventful. Peaceful, loving. Yeah. Kind. Which should make us question this idea of the spark. Everyone's chasing the spark. And there's that great book, Attached, that says,

we're not saying soulmates don't exist. We're saying you probably passed your soulmate because you thought they were boring. That's a good one. And there are studies that prove that the spark isn't something that many long-term couples ever had. And also, you hear from a lot of therapists saying, like, if you feel that exciting spark when you meet someone, run. Yes.

Run away. It's a fight or flight. Right? It's like run away because there's probably some trauma bonding or some type of thing that you're needing that this person might have or may not have. They remind you of your earliest trauma. And we all choose nostalgia over health. Yeah. that this person might have or may not have. They remind you of your earliest trauma and we all choose nostalgia over health. If it's familiar, we're gonna choose that

more than we're gonna choose what's good for us. And we all do that. Whether it's the sugary cereal that we grew up with or having people, because in our households, when we were younger, we internalized everything like it was our fault. If our parents had a bad day at work and came home and were in crabby moods, we didn't know the context as to why they were that way. We thought it was our fault. If our parents had a bad day at work and came home and were in crabby moods,

we didn't know the context as to why they were that way. We thought it was our fault. So then we, a lot of us made earning love our default. So we find ourselves attracted to people who make us feel like we have to earn our love. And then if it's easy, we don't want it. I saw a funny video today of a guy explaining all his green flags and then another dude in the back had a big red flag and the girl's like, I gotta go.

And she chased after the guy with red flags. So funny. And it's making fun of this idea, but we've been conditioned to think we have to earn it. But love isn't something you earn. Why is that? Why do certain people go after individuals with all the red flags trying to earn or change them

or be deserving of that person, why is that? I think it goes back to our upbringing. I think our first models of love were the people who raised us. They weren't perfect, but we had developing brains. We could only look at life in terms of black and white. You know, if you're like nine to 12, you know, your brain's not even fully developed in any

capacity. It can still develop until 25, 26. And then we're going to look at that and be like, okay, I had to earn their love. I had to earn their attention. I had to compete with my siblings to get them to notice me. I had to do all of that. That becomes a coping mechanism that never gets revisited when they become an adult. And then that's what feels right.

And again. It's familiar, it's familiar. It's familiar, and it's like, it's no different, if there was two identical pairs of shoes, and one was $90 and one was 100, I can logically say I'm gonna pick the $90 shoes because they're $10 cheaper. But I can't logically tell you

why I'm picking vanilla ice cream over chocolate. There's no, you know, it just feels right. So that's when we chase people, it just feels right. So that's when we chase people. It just feels right. But we don't know why it feels right. It feels right because it reminds you, it matches the flavor of the trauma that you had growing up. And you're still feeling that trauma and it feels like a safety blanket, even though it's the exact opposite. And you talked about in the beginning about learning how to open your sails and receive love. When we chase after unhealthy relationships, whether it be friendships or societal relationships

or intimate partners, do you think that we're not able to receive love like in a healthy way if we're chasing an unhealthy individual? And how do we learn to receive love in a healthy way? I think receiving love means being open to it. And I love the Peter Krohn idea of creating pathways to love. You can't say, I love you. You say, you show me where love is. And you create a pathway. Because chasing somebody is more so we're chasing things that are facsimiles of love, you know, like the bootleg version of love.

Attention, affection, adoration, success, power, control, validation. All of these, they look and feel like love, but they're not. And they're quick fixes. They're fast food versions of it. You know, you can eat a bunch of fast food and feel full, but you're not going to feel any nutrition. And you're going to get hungry a lot quicker, and you're probably not going to feel so good. But it's addictive. It's extremely salty.

And there's nothing wrong with any of us being addicted to that. You know, the subtitle of this book is going easy on yourself. I'm pointing these things out not to judge you, but to be like, look, we're all, all of us can't have just one potato chip. Right. And if you're chasing validation from somebody and you've spent your whole life chasing validation from people, I understand how it's addictive. And addiction often can come when the rewards are unanticipated. So when people gamble, they don't know when they're going to hit it big. That's why they do it. When people are in abusive relationships, they don't know when they're going to have a good day. That's why they stick with it.

When we're on social media, we can scroll for an hour and see things that make us sad, see things that trigger our emotions, see things that make us compare ourselves to other people, you know, see things that make us feel depressed, and then all of a sudden, a cute puppy, and we're like, oh, it was all worth it. It's always these unanticipated rewards

that make us feel addictive. And I think that's the same thing with these relationships, where it Whereas like, you know, somebody is in a good place. They're going to compliment you every morning. They're going to say all the right things. They're going to take care of you. There's almost this lack of excitement that comes with it. You know, it's not as salty and it's not, it's not a potato chip. It's healthy. It's nutritious. It's broccoli. And that's what we need in the longterm. So I think, as I said, my only goal is to help people become more aware of that.

Be like, this is why I'm chasing this person because they remind me of my dad. Or I'm chasing this person because they criticize me the way my mother used to criticize me. And it feels comfortable. But if I want to have a different life, I'm going to have to do different things. On a scale of 1 to 10, two years ago when you were engaged and ending the engagement, scale of one to 10, how lovable did you feel to yourself? 10 being like totally love, you love yourself 100%, totally lovable. You believed you were a lovable person, one being unlovable. Where were you on that scale? Probably a three. Three. I was probably a three. I

think there were definitely parts of my life where I wasn't as insecure as maybe other people. I've never really experienced imposter syndrome, for example. I quickly understood that, oh, I'm just as capable as anybody else in that capacity. I know I can write. I know I can do the things I can do. I know I deserve to be in the rooms that I'm in. But in terms of receiving positive feedback from people, receiving, feeling seen by people, that was a very weird situation. And I think also my upbringing had taught me,

unintentionally, without blaming anybody, that vulnerability was a weakness. And I didn't realize that vulnerability is the only way to connect with other people. And, you know, when we were in Poland, that was a wonderful example of everybody being vulnerable, me knowing a bunch of guys for five days and developing lifelong relationships. Powerful. To this day. But it was through vulnerability.

It was through us being scared as crap to go on the ice, through us sharing stories and crying together and holding each other. And these aren't things that I ever realized was a thing when I was in a long-term relationship because I always thought I had to maintain a level of protection. And I didn't realize that the fortress I was building was a prison. And what I thought I had to do to protect myself because I had a few negative experiences as a child, and I was thinking very simply, were not serving me as an adult. So my ability to receive love isn't there. And I think a lot of people, a lot of people can't,

even today, can't receive compliments. They don't know how to accept compliments. And I think that's a good sign right there that we don't know how to be open and receive love. And I think that's the first step to understanding that there's not a lack of love in anybody's life. It's a lack of receiving love. Yeah. Again, the breeze can be there. If your cell is closed, then you're not going anywhere. And it's more about doing the work to open yourself up to this. And it's scary and it will blow up in your face sometimes. And you may be vulnerable with the wrong person and it may totally feel like you just dumped your heart in a situation and nothing came out.

But it's not about what you got from it, it's what you become through doing it. And I think that's been the journey for me realizing. It's like it's being more and more uncomfortable every single day and realizing that I'm only entitled to the work. What comes from the work, that's not my concern. The results you don't know, yeah.

The results I don't know. What were the two or three things you did over the last two years to create more lovability within yourself, the ability to love and receive love more? So what I learned through, and I believe it was potentially Jordan Peterson in one of his interviews, was the definition of sin, the actual word sin, the definition is to be without aim. And it helped me realize that I was actually avoiding setting concrete goals and concrete directions to anything I wanted. anything I wanted. So one of the first things that I did was realize that I need, you know,

if you want to get in better shape, you hire a trainer. If I want to be a better writer, hire a writing coach. So I went and I got into therapy. And again, that's the dating process in itself. Took a few therapists until I found the right one. And once I got a therapist, one of the things we did when it came to romantic relationships was she had me relive my entire romantic life. Oh, all the relationships you're in. I mean, even the little ones when you were like seven, eight, the little crushes. How long did that process take to relive those? That was probably two full hours of just storytelling.

And she paid attention to my face. And whenever my face got bright, she was like, write that down. paid attention to my face and whenever my face got bright she was write that down and what we ended up doing was we ended up becoming aware of what qualities actually make me you know excited or actually make me want to be more vulnerable or actually because i think feel more loved all those things yeah feel more love and i think also what i'm actually enthusiastic because i think everybody will have the generic like this is what i want for in a partner or this is what I want in a friendship and they'll all be the same answers and I think what that did was it really pointed out to me the unique things that actually mattered you know remembering the very first person that I dated that had said to me you know what the world needs

to hear what you have to say like the world needs to hear humble a poet like you need to stop doing all this other stuff and like thinking about okay versus dating somebody in the future when I was telling them my plans and they're like but what if that doesn't happen like can't we have a plan b you know and realizing that okay the two very different directions that people can take me and their influence on me so I need to be with somebody who's going to constantly push me right out of my comfort zone who constantly wants that for themselves and then also learning that hey not only are we just discovering qualities in a person, we have to relate how does those qualities make you feel? Just last month, the late co-founder of Microsoft, Paul Allen,

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But you can skip it by using promo code GREATNESS at masterworks.com. That's promo code GREATNESS at masterworks.com. That's promo code greatness at masterworks.com. See important regulation aid disclosures at masterworks.com slash cd. So instead of saying, I want someone attractive, the question is, first off, what is attractive to you?

Because beauty is in the eye of the beholder. And what does that do for you? Is it you want someone attractive because you want a piece of arm candy to impress your friends? Or do you want someone attractive because you want somebody's symmetrical face that you impress your friends? Or do you want someone attractive because you want somebody's symmetrical face that you can look at? Or do you want someone attractive because, you know,

you have a commitment to beauty and you want to enjoy being around beautiful people? Or you want someone attractive because they smile a lot? You know, there's different definitions of that. And I think forcing me to go deep made me become very specific with who I wanted to be around. And even this morning, I had a therapy session and she was explaining to me, people either fight, fly, fight, freeze,

or fawn when they're nervous. And she goes, fawners are people who start to manipulate the situation to be more likable. She goes, listen, when you discover a fawner, run the other way. to be more likable. She goes, listen, when you discover a fauner, run the other way. Don't be around any women who prioritize being likable over communicating clearly or conflict resolution. Be around people who can communicate successfully and in a straight line to you. And she goes, don't spend time and energy around those other people. And that's a tricky thing because we want to be liked by everybody, but this requires you to be like, okay, you're not somebody I can invest time and energy in. And again, not just romantically. This also means work relationships and in friendships.

So being clear with what works for me and what doesn't work for me versus wanting everyone to like me, I think was a very important step into revealing and realizing more love in my life. Because being like, okay, everyone listening to this interview may not like me and that's okay. You know, let me be around the people I need to be around with. Going through this process of selling a book, we're playing the attention game. You know, there's endless things I can do to catch

people's attention on social media. But a lot of those things might. You know, there's endless things I can do to catch people's attention on social media. But a lot of those things might, you know, might not be things that are in line with my core values. So reminding myself, like, even though, like, your career and your paychecks matter and relate to this, ensure people find you for the right reasons. You know, I might not be able to play certain games or make certain type of content, but then I'm also not trapping myself on that journey if it works. Yeah, you're not doing dancing videos all day or something that doesn't work for you or make sense for you, right?

Completely, or even relying on controversy or relying on, you know, polarization and saying things that- Or news or whatever it is, yeah. Whatever, yeah. News or many topics or headlines. And we've had that conversation before too, where you've had people over here where you could, you know,

ramp up the controversy, but you don't because that's not what the school of greatness is. Right. And I think there's a beauty to that and it may make the growth slower, but it's more sustainable.

Right. It's healthier. It's way healthier. And I think that it's choosing health, the slow, long-term over the fast, immediate. And it was you who said to me, and it's always stuck with me,

good things happen to people who defer gratification. And I think about that all the time because in front of me is always this gratifying option. And then there's the long, hard road. And I was like, okay, Lewis. I know. And you also have a tattoo that says, remember the future, right? Which I got watching this show. Joe Dispenza said this on your show. I'm like, okay, Lewis. I know. And you also have a tattoo that says, remember the future, right? Which I got watching this show.

Joe Dispenza said this on your show. And I remember hearing it over the pandemic and being like, I love it. And yeah. I think it's thinking about our future self, you know, as frequently as I can. It's funny, I had a therapy conversation last night with my coach and I'm gonna be 40 in a few months, right?

March. And I never really in a few months, right? March. And I never really pay attention to birthdays, right? I acknowledge them. I'm like, I have my lessons and I reflect on them, but I don't really do big things because I try to celebrate every day, right? Anyways, not the point. But she was kind of like bringing it up and saying, you know,

what's your vision now moving forward? Like going into this new decade, kind of like, what's the dream? What's the vision? What's the aim? And I was like, I want to look, I want to be talking, talking to myself now as my 50 year old self and coaching myself on all the challenges or fears that I'm faced with. And, and seeing like all the actions I know I can take that I feel like are gonna be scary, but then when I'm 50, I'm gonna say that was nothing. You know, that was, good job. Like, I'm glad you went through those fears.

I'm glad you conquered that. You got us here, but really that wasn't that big of a deal. You know, it wasn't that big of a deal. It just feels like a big deal before we do it. So, but it's funny, I was having the same similar type of conversation about remembering the future because I'm trying to make a few big decisions in my life. And she was like, is this going to feel like a big decision 10 years from now? And I'm like, no, it's going to feel like a small decision 10 years away, but it's something I need to do in order to feel now as opposed to delaying it in order to feel

that later. So it's interesting. What's the biggest thing that therapy has taught you? Therapy has taught me, and I think this is a great way to define therapy. Therapy has taught me that a lot of our challenges come from our black and white thinking. We think it's either this or it's that. And I think a lot of that comes from childhood when we had less developed brains and

that's how we could think. We couldn't think in terms of the complexities. So we thought mom's mad, she's mad at me. You know, it's either that or she's not mad. And I think as we get older, we're like, oh, that person might've had a hard day. You know, we can see the complexities. We can see all the gray in between. And I think it's oftentimes we've made so many decisions when it comes to our personality, how we're going to handle conflict, how we're going to handle challenges when we were young and we don't upgrade that software, we don't upgrade those choices. So for me, it's having these conversations with my therapist and arguments, me and my therapist. She says, I love to argue. And she says I'm one of her favorite clients for it. And she wins every time, which is funny, which is why I keep her around because I'm a very stubborn individual.

She's right. She did a lot of that. Those moments, she catches me all the time. And very often it's like she'll simply be like, why is it only this or that? Why are those the only choices? Why can't there be other options? And it's really interesting because it makes you discover the root. You know, I'm the child of an immigrant.

I grew up in scarcity mindset. You know, the vast majority of the emotions that human can feel are leaning in the negative side because negative emotions keep you alive. But I don't live in scarcity. I'm doing okay. I don't have to. But I think, you know, I think the way my mom raised me, you know, which is if you can make it, don't buy it. Not realizing that making it takes way

more time than buying it. Yeah. I have a puppy and I still use a leash my mom made for me, you know, because it's a sentimental value to it, but that's how her upbringing was. But none of us, you know, my parents don't have a mortgage. They don't have bills and I'm the youngest and I'm doing very well. So like, it's a mindset, you know, it parents don't have a mortgage. They don't have bills. And I'm the youngest and I'm doing very well. So like it's a mindset. You know, it's like why does this have to be this or that? It could be this and that and something else. We can live in contradiction.

We all do live in contradiction. We don't have to play these games. So I think therapy, that's been the most important thing for me. It's helped me realize how often I've created a cage for myself because I'm looking at life through duality and life is beyond that. And what I've also realized is in terms of love, love is what exists beyond duality. When we stop looking at the world in terms of duality, what's left is love because love is everything and nothing. You know, when you are in love with somebody, that's when pretty much your ego boundaries start to melt and you view them as you.

There's no you and me. There's we. And so you cease to become something. But at the same time, you feel everything. And there's that beauty there. And it's kind of like the center. It's not on the outside looking in. You're not on the inside looking out.

You're in the middle looking everywhere. Right. And I think there's a beauty to that. So I think having that realization in therapy has been amazing, and I don't always catch myself doing it. So having these stories, having these conversations with the therapist, and then having her quickly realize, like, okay, well, what are your choices? And I say the two choices.

She's like, why? I'm like, well, what else is it? She'll be like, you tell me what the other choice is. Right, right. And so often, like, well, I didn't consider that an option. She's like, well, what else is it? She'd be like, you tell me what the other choice is. Right, right. And so often, I'm like, well, I didn't consider that an option. She's like, why not? And I'm like, oh, it's because I was raised a certain way. Sure, sure.

I was raised to think that I can only live at one place at one time. And I can only pay rent at one place at one time. And I would only pay rent if I'm actually living there at that time. Why would I have a place in this city and in this city? I have to pick between the two versus why not live in both? And I think that concept has been really important to me. And it's helped me with friends who have reached out to me. I can quickly identify, too, that they're just living in black and white mindset.

And again, there's nothing wrong with that. We all made these decisions when we were kids. And I used to be a schoolteacher. That's how kids think. They can't think in terms of complexity because their brains are still developing. So I recommend everybody see a therapist. And if you can't afford a therapist,

journal every day. Because even the process of journaling and getting these thoughts outside of you and getting them on paper will help you start to realize there's way more options than what I just thought. And this wasn't as heavy as I thought it was. I wanna go back to people pleasing.

Yeah. Cause you mentioned about trying to be liked with everyone and I think a lot of people have lived that at some point in their life or are still living that. Yes. What would you say is the mantra or the strategies that supported you from moving away from people pleasing? Cause I feel like it's a spectrum probably.

It's like, okay, I used to want everyone to like me and now it's like less of the time and then it's just I have my friends and I don't care what people think or whatever. But what is the mantra and the strategies you've used to move away from needing to be a people pleaser to everyone towards reclaiming your energy and loving yourself? Completely, I think the first one is realizing

that people can only receive you where they're at. You know, if I'm not in a good place and let's say something's not going well in my career and then I see you post something about something wonderful in your career, I'm going to interpret that as negative, you know, and if I'm not in the space of self-awareness, I might even take it as an attack. So you start to realize that even when people leave mean comments on your post, they're telling you their story, not yours. I've also had to make peace with the fact that, and there's a line in Sikhi that says, you know, a saint is unimpacted by praise or slander. So it's not just caring about when people say negative things to you, you have to be equally unimpacted by the positive things. Because you have to realize that these are, especially if you're a public figure, these people have a limited view of you.

So they think you're amazing, they're wrong. And if they think you're a piece of garbage, they're wrong. Because they're sitting in the nosebleed sections of your life and have a very small view of who you actually are. So not all opinions are equal. And we can't chase the praise and ask ourselves to be unimpacted by the slander or the negative sides of it. So for me, it's become I'm unimpacted by if you don't know me, I can't give a lot of value to your words, even if you're saying things I like. So chasing likability from that context is not there. And also realizing that I don't like everybody. from that context is not there.

And also realizing that I don't like everybody. That's, you know, you can be the juiciest peach in the world and some people just don't like peaches. And I think that's- I don't like peaches. Yeah, so you don't like peaches. I can show you, you know, the most expensive, beautiful peach. Love this, I don't like it, yeah.

Exactly, I think for me it's caviar. And it's like, I don't get this. I don't get the expensive stuff or the cheap stuff. And it's like, so being okay with I'm not everybody's cup of tea everybody's not my cup of tea right so spending my time in this arena is not something i need to do and instead i have 10 to 15 years now of friends who have been there for me giving me couches to sleep on put money in my pocket have made introductions for me have put me in positions to really realize my potential. These are people I care about. Doing work with the motivation of proving them right has always been something that has really given me something to be proud of. You

know, I never want someone to put me in position and feel like they wasted their energy or time or reputation for doing so. So that's been something that's been really important, where it's like, focus on the people in your life. And it was actually a musician who taught me, he said, listen, when you make music, 10%, you know, 1% want to know everything about you. 10% will listen to everything you do. And he goes, you know, the other 89%, your background music while they're studying, you know, and if you don't give them what they want, they're going to move on. He goes, focus on the 1% to 10%. Focus on them.

And it's not about, you know, when we all start out, the people who support us are our friends and family. Create more friends and family. Create these deeper, meaningful connections and doing all of that. And I think for me, that's been a big thing. And being out here, especially in Hollywood now, it just starts to see the correlations

between the city and politics. You know, where a politician's job is to keep everybody happy because that keeps them in power. And they'll say everything and do everything and make a bunch of promises until they get the power and then they break the promises and then they do it again. But it's this idea of the people pleasing. That's the only job where you actually have to be a professional people pleaser. And for the rest of us, we have to say something. And to say something means having a group of people to disagree with you. And that's okay. And being okay with it, yeah. Being completely okay with it. So I think for me, that's been a really interesting journey. And also, the reminder that, again, it's not reward

or punishment. It's not either I'm being rewarded by social media for participating or I'm being punished either I'm being rewarded by society or I'm being punished it's really you can be rewarded for doing certain things or you're just being left alone right you know so if I don't play the social media games I may not grow but it's not a punishment nobody's making it hard for me to still log into my phone and be on social media and do all the other fun stuff I just may not be rewarded with growth, but that's not a punishment It's the same thing if society society has its own agenda society wants us to work certain hours contribute to the economy

Buy a bunch of stuff like this is what society is built upon. If we don't participate in that, society doesn't throw us in jail. It may not reward us with nice things. It may not give us cool opportunities or cool experiences, but that's not a punishment. So I think for me, that reminder of like not going to the event is not a punishment. You know, if Louis wants me somewhere and I couldn't go, it may result in him not inviting me again. That's is not a punishment. You know, if Louis wants me somewhere and I couldn't go, it may result in him not inviting me again. That's still not a punishment.

You know, that's just, I'm just not going to get the rewards of that. And I think that was an important thing for me to understand because I only have so much time, energy, love, focus and attention in my wallet. And I should be mindful of how I spend it. And making everybody happy is an impossible task. So hard. It is. Impossible. Yeah. And it feels so much better. Making yourself

happy is hard. Extremely. It's like trying to make yourself happy and everyone else around you is challenging. Nipsey Hussle said it really well. Do you want to be at war with the world or do you want to be at war with yourself? Yeah know and it's picking one of it because you're at war with yourself to make everybody else happy um or to keep yourself happy is going to potentially cause some conflict with people around because people want you to meet their expectations they want you to be who they think you are based on their limited view and i think for me that's been a really interesting thing to really pay attention to. And sometimes it's as simple as, if I needed to, turning off comments or downsizing my lifestyle if it means I can't go further and make a bunch more money. I think that peace is way more valuable than this constant growth and chasing if it requires me not to be my authentic self. Because if I'm not my authentic

self then there's not gonna be a lot of self-respect and then now i'm just chasing it on the outside right yeah what do you feel like is the next level of self-love and growth for yourself after this you know a few year journey the discoveries the book the the coaching and therapy and reclaiming you know your ability to receive love what's available for you next? I think recognizing, you know, one of my favorite quotes in the book, and eventually I'll put it on a t-shirt, is love is fuel, not the glue. Love doesn't keep us together. Love is what keeps us working at it. So really recognizing love as the verb that it is. When I say, instead of sounding kind of pie in the sky and saying I'm committing my life to love, committing myself to service. Say it again.

Love is fuel, not glue. Love is fuel, not glue. What does that mean? So a lot of people, the assumption is when you love someone, that's enough to keep you together. Or when you love your job, that's enough to keep you going to work. Love is fuel. It's what gives you the energy to put in the effort to make, to keep two people together. But love is not enough. Love is not enough. It doesn't hold it

together. It's the gas in your tank. It's not the car. And it's a, so love. So don't think I love this person. And because we love each other, we'll be together forever. And we're fantastic. No, I love this person. So I'm going to get up an hour early and we're going to go to therapy together. You know, that fuel. You know, I love this job, so those days I don't feel like I want to do it, I'm going to give myself that extra push and make sure it happens. So for me, I'm realizing that I want to live a life of love, but it's not this, again, simplified life of I love everybody. I think what I'm realizing is love is service. The more love you try to share and provide with other people, the more love is realized.

I'm creating more pathways of love with people. And learning that service isn't simply giving everybody what they want. Service is just leaving people better than you found them. And if somebody needs something from you and you can't give them everything, you can still give them something. And again, and for me specifically growing up in an immigrant household where we had a lot of scarcity mindset, I need to push myself into this mindset of abundance, meaning I can help as many people as possible. But I can also respect myself to be like, hey, I know you asked me for X, Y, and Z. I can only give you X.

But that's what I can give you and I want to give you that. Versus getting really nervous and just ghosting you. Or overextending myself and giving you everything because I don't want you to stop liking me. And I think that's been a really interesting thing for me. Because when you do that, it also puts you in one of the darkest places that I believe humans can be in and is resentment. When you don't establish your boundaries, and I have a chapter in the book called Love is Showing Your Teeth. If you don't show your teeth, if you don't establish your boundaries, what ends up happening is you end up living in resentment, which is such a dark place. It's a place where love can't be realized. So often, and I have another chapter in the book that says love is saying no.

Saying no to people is an expression of self-love. I can't do that. But again, we don't live in a black and white world. If you ask me to help you move on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday, I can say, hey, I can't do Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday, but I can be there all day Wednesday. And I think that's the important process of this, is setting those boundaries, letting you know. Setting boundaries isn't pushing you away. It's teaching you how we can exist in a good harmony.

And when we're in a good harmony, we're in peace. When we're in peace, we do less things to chase pleasure. Pleasure now, for most people, is a medication from a lack of peace. It's not an enhancement of the peace we're in. We're just trying to get back to zero. You know, we're just, our people pleasing isn't even making people like us, if we're working to make people not hate us.

You know, we're trying to avoid somebody's criticism. We're not even trying to seek their praise. We're trying to get them off our back. So we're doing so much energy and effort and time and focus, spending just to try to get ourselves to a default, keep our lips above water, that we're not pushing ourselves forward and growing with people.

In the sports world, they call that playing to not lose as opposed to playing to win. You're like, you're playing just to like, I don't wanna lose, as opposed to risking and going all out and playing to win. You're playing just to like, I don't wanna lose, as opposed to risking and going all out and playing to win, and whatever that might be. And when you play to win, you might lose. You might fall on your face, you might do whatever.

It's interesting, I just got back from England yesterday, and they were asking me about baseball. They're like, what is this sport, and why is it so long and i'm like it's the only the beauty of the sport is it's the only sport you can't run out the clock you can't run out the clock you can't so you can't play to not lose every every single i'm like and there's a beauty to the spirit of that which means you got to stay till the end because anything can happen and that's how we have to play we have to play knowing you can't be on the defense. You know, you have to continually, you know,

either you're growing or you're not, you know, or you're shrinking. We're moving in these different directions. And I think that's a really important idea to understand. And we can't just try to maintain friendships. You know, we can't, you know, simply keep people off our backs. We have to grow with people, evolve with people. And I think there's a beauty to that. And I think, you know, simply keep people off our backs. We have to grow with people, evolve with people. And I think there's a beauty to that. And I think, you know, just going back to how we met, like our entire relationship has always had this foundation of our love lives.

Talking about them, whether we're going on hikes, talking about it or going to Poland or whatever it is. Soho House, wherever we were at, it was always talking about it from different places. And I think, you know, that's been the common story but it's like that's what creates the growth where it's like okay i remember lewis when he was on a high i remember when he was on a low i remember when he was trying to figure things out and vice versa and i think that's a really important section to this where it's like we're not maintaining there's not maintaining a friendship and i mean again like the simple fact that that when we went on the last hike, I said, I'm frustrated being in the city.

I don't have artist friends. You connected me with Reuven. Yeah, and then he did the cover of the book. He ends up doing the cover of the book. And it was, you know, the organic beauty of this. I think, you know, for me, I just want to honor you for that. Of course, man.

You know, as I said, you know, I tattoo stuff that I hear on your stuff. And again, like the amount of lifelong friends you helped me make going to Poland. And I remember when you texted me about Wim Hof, I didn't even know that was a person's name back then. You know, these experiences of just continually being uncomfortable is more important than playing it safe. Because discomfort finds us. And we've all learned that since dealing with the pandemic. Did I see you at Thanksgiving with Hussie?

Yeah, I was there. Hussie has become my puppy's babysitter. Oh, it's amazing. Because Audrey loves dogs. She loves dogs and he loves the idea of having a part-time dog. Yes. But we're also learning that yeah, we're also learning that he, he won't admit it, but she has told me

that he tries to bribe my puppy to get extra attention. So he'll, I'll give him a, I'll give him a bag of treats for two days and the treats

will be all done. And I realized Husky's bribing her to sit with him. Oh my gosh. So he's, he loves dog treats. I'm sure he loves it.

It's the idea of having the dog 24-7 is a lot, but maybe this is gonna help him get a dog one day. Well, yeah, and you know what? I honestly don't mind them co-parenting and my puppy has realized that she can get away with so much more with them.

Yeah. Cause I got there and she's barking at them and she's like, what's wrong? What do you want? I was like, you can't let her bark at you. She's like, yeah. So she likes it cause it's a place with less rules. And they got a nice house with a backyard.

They got all this stuff. I live in an apartment, so she loves, and she's the center of attention all the time. But it's a great thing. But it's, yeah, developing these friendships beyond you know, just what they could have been had you met somebody once. Like, oh, let's stay in contact.

And no, you don't. Yeah, that was my first Thanksgiving ever too. That's cool, man. I didn't grow up. You had your first American Thanksgiving with some British people. With all British people. I love that. Yeah, my first time having turkey on Thanksgiving.

That's great, man. I'm Canadian. We have a different Thanksgiving. We never celebrated that. But it's, yeah, having these new unique experiences and continually, again, as I said, pushing to grow relationships with people. I think that matters more so than kind of just being a social butterfly, maintaining relationships and not letting them go anywhere.

Yeah. I'm curious, in the book you talk about small love and big love. Or little love and big love. Yeah. What is the difference between those two? So that's an idea from another one of our friends, Aubrey Marcus. and big love, or little love and big love. What is the difference between those two? So that's an idea from another one of our friends, Aubrey Marcus.

Me and him have had some great conversations. And small l love being this kind of validation love. Again, what I would consider, what feeds your ego. The pleasure love. The pleasure love. And then big l love being what fills your soul love. Small L love being chocolate ice cream after a long day. Big L love being a hug from your grandmother.

And seeing that. And again, I'm just encouraging an awareness and encouraging people to see that there can be a difference in what we chase. And sometimes the immediate stuff holds us back from the long-term, more sustainable stuff. So realizing that not all of the things we consider love are actually love. And the way he framed it so beautifully is just big L love and small L love.

That's great. And I think that, you know, chase the big L love because that's not immediately gratifying, but that's the stuff that's going to keep you going, keep you energized, keep you full of nutrition and life. And so do you still feel like the need to please people today?

Is there like this thing that pulls you back sometimes? And so do you have like a mantra or a saying that you say to yourself to keep you like grounded and peaceful in that people pleasing? Yes, yes. I am constantly catching myself being a diplomat and a politician. And I think there's a reminder of,

A, the people who are around you, they care about you. Everybody's super busy, not hearing from somebody that doesn't mean anything has changed. They haven't, not speaking to Louis for six months doesn't mean his opinion of you has changed. He's on his journey. He's on his mission. You're on your journey and your mission.

Make time for each other. That's a big one. And I think it's also a reminder of if you go down a road to make more people like you and that road isn't authentic to you, you're building another prison. And I'm always reminded of my friends. When I first started coming out here,

I first came out here with Lilly Singh. And when I came out, I was staying with her and she exposed me to this world of the youtubers and What I was meeting with I was meeting certain people who had very successful YouTube channels that they made in their teenage years You know, and they might be doing goofy, right, you know prank videos or whatever stuff that makes sense for a teenager but now they're in the mid to late 20s and stuff that makes sense for a teenager but now they're in the mid to late 20s and they couldn't change what they did because that's what they built an audience of and it almost felt like this prison wow that they were stuck doing you know like you can imagine yourself at 80 still talking about greatness yes this is authentic to you yeah but i think they you know when they were

younger and i don't hold it i don't i don't think they did anything wrong but i i quickly realized that they had created a prison where now they were in their late 20s still trying to make prank videos and it wasn't feeling authentic and it didn't feel real and they weren't enjoying themselves but they created lifestyles and had bills that required them to keep doing this and I think that was something I always remind myself of like you definitely have an entire dictionary of options that you have never explored to make more money to grow your to grow your readers to grow your exposure to to get more famous but once you start that you're gonna have to keep doing that right and do you want to keep doing that and if you do keep doing that how are you gonna have

how you're gonna create harmony with that now all of a sudden you're going to have to take more vacations or turn to substances or do different things like that. And right now I'm in a good situation where it's like, okay, I write for a couple of hours a day. I go for nice long walks. I have good friends who are my actual friends that I can trust and believe. And I have childhood friends that I still have in my life and I measure my success. And how long have childhood friends that I still have in my life. And I measure my success and how long have I been doing this without losing anybody that mattered to me in my life. And I can, you know, live, you know,

and I can always have more as we all could. And the higher we go on this journey, you start to meet people with more and it does make you think, identify gaps in your own life. But I think choosing that peace is I think the first step to ensuring that I can realize more love. And I feel like everyone's definition and motivation for why they do the things they do

is to receive more love. And again, it's not our fault. In order for people to sell us stuff, they have to make us feel like we're not enough. You're not enough. You need to own more like we're not enough. You're not enough. You need to own more than seven pairs of shoes. You're not enough. You need to own five cars, even though you can only drive one at a time.

You're not enough. You need to take pictures of you in business class or on a private jet. You're not enough as you are. But the truth is, there is no such thing as enoughness when it comes to a person. Enoughness isn't a measurement for people. Enoughness isn't a measurement for people. Worthy isn't a measurement of people. These aren't things when we think about the people we love, the people we authentically love in our lives. We know all their imperfections. None of those imperfections disqualify them from us loving them. We've also fallen in love with our nieces

and nephews when they were babies, held them for for the first time and we were flooded with love we have no history never had a conversation they might have pooped in our hands right and none of that disqualifies them and makes them unworthy of love because love doesn't require worthiness it doesn't require qualification these are ideas that have been given to us because we live in a world that requires us to buy stuff. And the only way you're going to buy stuff is if you feel like you need stuff. It's like you're separate from it. You're separate from it. It's like, oh, you need the latest this.

You need the latest that. And if you don't have it, then you're feeling you're left out. And remember, feeling left out is triggering our ancient feelings of being, you know, unaccepted by society. Right. That feels like death. And if we're not in a situation of awareness then we're going to clamor to that and we're going to line up outside the building and spend endless amounts of money to get the newest gizmo gadget shoe car whatever to feel

like it matters and i think it's a really interesting thing especially as i said social media puts an exact number on it you're like, I want people to see me in the latest. I want to see people see me with the coolest. And then, you know, the invisible they will accept me. And that's the big one. You know, Khaled always says it. You know, they don't want you to win. God did.

It's like Khaled, man, who's they? Who is they? And why did they get so much attention and validation? Whereas, you know. Why do you put all your energy on they? Yeah. And when they aren't even a thing. They are the people that comment on you.

They are not individuals. And whoever they are, they're telling their story through their pain with what they're going through. And also, you know, I'm sure for the next week, if I left mean comments on your Instagram posts, even with us being friends, I would get more attention. Probably. You get validation for it. Yeah. I would get external validation.

If you posted... And you'd get followers and you'd get all this attention. I would get all of it. Yeah. If you post something and I said, congratulations, brother, it would mix in with the 9,900 congratulations. Yeah, but you sucked here yeah yeah but if i said oh yeah of course lewis did this i heard he paid off someone to get it done and then it would create an argument and would create you know polarity and all of that and that you know it's

like it's it's creating a car accident for people to notice you but then i would be doing myself down that journey forever you'd have to keep doing that to get the attention. And we've seen, and look, man, we've seen that a lot. And it never, it never lasts.

Controversial creators and artists, you can only be controversial so long until people will be like, oh, okay, I'm used to this. It sucks to your soul too, right? It's got to,

you're just constantly trying to attack others or create controversy. I feel like it's got to eat at you in some way. And I think also just, if you have a position on something, that's enough. You're going to find people who disagree with you anyways. And I think, you know, people, as going back to the original conversation, people can only meet you where they're at. So if we start talking about relationships, there might be someone listening right now who feels attacked because this may apply to them being in an unhealthy relationship. And that may motivate them to lash out because that's a lot easier than correcting their situation and I think again

that's not something that I need to internalize for myself but as I said I'm grateful that I have a lot of friends in this where I see the prisons that they've built for themselves and try to encourage them not to be in those prisons because it's a slippery slope that you're going to be trapped in forever. And again, we're not politicians. We're people here trying our best to share. And as I said, through writing this book, I'm not an expert on love. I'm just the guy who was so desperate to figure out why his situation didn't work that he read all the poets, all the philosophers, all the science-backed research, all the people who've written the dating books, watched all the interviews, did all the research

possible, and this is me sharing my notes. And I used to be an elementary school teacher, so I don't use any words bigger than mayonnaise when I'm talking about stuff. And every chapter is two pages, and the goal here is to help people become more aware of what love actually is and what may look, feel, and come across as love, but actually is a waste of our time and energy, focus, and efforts. We saw it a few, man. How do we love? Is it how to be loved or how to be loved? Well, that's the interesting part.

So I think, you know, I actually learned from Hussie. Well, I learned from Hussie. You know, you have to meet them where they're at. So I think a lot learned from hussy you you know you have to meet them where they're at so i think a lot of us want to be loved and you'll be loved first the only well to be loved you won't want to you don't you won't need to be loved at that point when you realize you're a source of love true now your cup is full of love and you want to devote your life to sharing all the extra love you have then you're not you don't need to seek it from others and again we have these relationships in our lives.

If you take care of a child, you're not getting anything in return for taking care of them. That doesn't make you feel resentful. That makes you, you know, the service is what creates the love. We can serve others. We can love them. Love is not a, it's a gift. It's not a loan. I don't have to love you wanting it back and keeping track of how much love I gave you

versus how much love you gave me. I should be giving you love because I'm a source of love and I have so much of it. I want to give it. And I think so for me, it's understanding the only way for me to feel any love is to be love. And that's why it's how to be love with the D in there. So that's the big spoiler is I'm not teaching you how to find love. I'm not teaching you how to craft a text message. I'm not teaching you how to find love. I'm not teaching you how to craft a text message. I'm not teaching you how to pick up girls at the mall.

I'm teaching you how to realize the love that's always existed, how to clear away the blockages that have prevented you from opening your sales. ourselves, revisiting our past from a lens of understanding trauma and coping mechanisms, and prioritizing our future and realizing that, hey, so often I'm trying to be liked by everybody that I'm denying myself realizing love and experiencing love. And I don't require anything other than the ability to enjoy my own company, to feel this love that we all crave. We all crave it. And for some people, it's wearing expensive clothes and peacocking to get noticed because they think attention is love.

And then for other people, it's having admiration or power or control. So we have very wealthy people getting into politics because all that stuff didn't do it for them. Now they're like, I need influence. I need power. I need control. But love is surrender.

It's the opposite. And some of the best stories ever told, I was very lucky and fortunate to sit down somehow with George Lucas, the creator of Star Wars. And he explained to me that Darth Vader lost the only thing he loved, so he wanted to control the entire universe. And he goes, what he never understood is you can't control everything. It's like trying to pick up a river with your hands. And that's how you saw things get deeper and darker for him. He kept trying to control more and more and more. Because when he was in love, he was able to surrender.

But the moment he lost it, he wasn't in a situation where he could love anymore and i think that's a really important idea for us to start to see with certain individuals that we see that we're taught to look up to the extremely wealthy the extremely powerful the extremely influential taking that route is actually showing that they're lacking in their life and they think just a little bit more just a little bit more just a little bit more, just a little bit more, just a little bit more. And they keep doing it versus the people who are content and at peace. And again, they wouldn't make for good media. They wouldn't make for great television.

They wouldn't make for a great reality show. But those even-keeled individuals who have found peace, who instead of having everything everything they want less every single day that is authentic love because when we've all had those experiences when we're so madly in love with a person with a project with an activity we are completely present and we're not thinking about what else we need we're not thinking about what happened yesterday we're not worried about what's happening tomorrow we're just we're in the here and now and I think making more choices to create that for ourselves without needing anybody else will put us in a position to

attract more like-minded people and beautiful people to have a Significantly more abundant life. Yeah, how does someone heal after they lose love? How do they get back to that place? Like Darth Vader he lost the love and then he went darker and darker. But how do you get back to a sense of love if you've lost it? It's so ironic that you asked that question. One of my favorite lines is from Jay-Z, you can't heal what you don't reveal. Tonight, I am booking my ticket to go back to Trinidad which is the place I got engaged wow

and realizing that I initially was like oh yeah you know we used to party there every year and realizing that I'm not framing this as a journey to a party I'm framing this as a challenge to go revisit a place that I could easily avoid because it's gonna trigger so many negative emotions and pain and I'm voluntarily doing it. And it's 7 p.m. tonight, we're booking our tickets. And it was something I wanted to avoid. I was kidding, I had written out 12 paragraphs

to my friend who was organizing the trip saying why I couldn't come. And then I realized that fear is a compass. I should definitely go. And I should, you know, make more wise decisions. I might not party as hard as I normally party when I'm there because I'm not at a place of peace with this. So I'm not going to medicate my lack of peace. But I'm going to go there.

I'm going to face it. And I think that's important. That's beautiful, man. Many, many, many years ago, I I'm going to go there. I'm going to face it. And I think that's important. That's beautiful, man. Many, many, many years ago, I was violently robbed in New York. And I don't think the healing and the PTSD was ever addressed until I went back to the spot. And I sat there. And again, the negative feelings aren't the enemy. The anxiety isn't the enemy. We have issues with mental health when we try to suppress the anxiety. And I mean, Dr. Leach spoke about that at the Summit of Greatness. And it was such an

eye-opening idea. Whereas when we go to these places and we revisit these pains, feel what we feel. And as men, I think we feel that as a big challenge. I think that's one of the reasons men are problem solvers. When someone comes to us with a problem, we want to solve it. Not because we want to solve it. It's. When someone comes to us with a problem, we want to solve it, not because we want to solve it. It's because when people come to us with their problems, it makes us feel pain and we don't want to feel pain. So we want to shut them up by solving the problem, you know, but empathy is feeling it. You know, attunement is being in their skin and saying, I know what you feel like, and I'm going to feel it with you. And let's just sit in this

pain together. So in order for us to heal or I think a better word would be integrate. Integrate the learning that comes from these. You don't learn when you're happy. You learn from unpleasant experiences. So integrate the learning that comes from these situations means visit them. I had to go back to that dark alley where I got beat up and robbed and I had had to sit there feeling my body shake from the pain of it. But that's a step. And doing that repeatedly is what's going to help you integrate the learning because there's things that I needed to learn from that experience.

It was done for me. It wasn't done to me. And I think it's the same thing going back to Trinidad. It's going to be the exact same thing. I opened the book with that story about the engagement and it's if that's it I know the exact spot where you know everything happened and I know I have to go back that's good and I'm not going to say it's going to be a triumph and I'm there and I am healed but it's going to take me and this is a big idea that we talk about in the book too I'm not looking for perfect I'm looking

for progress I'm going to make more progress by taking this. I'm not looking for perfect. I'm looking for progress. I'm going to make more progress by taking this trip. I'm not going to be completely healed and unimpacted by seeing her on social media or running into her in person because we have so many mutual friends. I'm not promising myself that.

I'm promising myself progress. And I think when we prioritize progress over perfection, then we're able to make small moves every day this is you know we set New Year's resolutions but we set these goals like I need to lose 10 pounds I need to I need to make this much money per month and then we're subconsciously telling ourselves we're not good enough until we do right but instead instead of doing the listed intentions I need to live

healthier I want to wake up earlier. Every single day, I'm going to wake up five minutes earlier. Or this week, I'm going to wait five minutes earlier. Or I'm going to just go to the gym, whether I do anything or not this week. And then let's focus on progress. Okay, I got there every day this week. Now I'm going to go there and do at least five minutes on the treadmill or something. And that progress adds up instead of us saying, oh, I didn't hit my 10 pounds. I'm a piece of trash. Right. You know, and because the truth is you're going to hit that 10 pounds. The next voice in your head is going to be like, what's next? I need more. I need more. So instead, let's just focus on the progress, steadily making

progress. So I think for us, I don't want to minimize what people have gone through in their life. And I don't know if simply revisiting a space or being in therapy or writing in a journal will make it all go away. But it will make progress. And progress is better than nothing. 100%, man. Yeah. I love this, man. How do we love the simple truths for going easier on yourself, embracing imperfection, and loving your way to a better life? And I think one of the biggest things is going easier on yourself, embracing imperfection and loving your way to a better life. And I think one of the biggest things is going easier on yourself.

I think a lot of people are so hard in the banning on themselves. And I think it's one thing to be disciplined and organized and also be easy on yourself. You don't have to be perfect. So it's, it's definitely surrender and going easy. And as I said, pointing out why we make mistakes,

it's not to judge you and be like, stop, you know, stop chasing after unavailable men because that's what you're used to. No, like, just realize it. Because being nice to ourselves. I have a chapter in here saying, you know, love is being your own nurturing parent. When you revisit your past, you're going to realize that the people that raised you, whoever they were, were flawed human beings. Instead of just going back to them and being like, you messed me up, realize that now you have the capability of filling in the gaps. You know, there's an activity called self-havening, which is hugging yourself.

You can do it. We don't need to find a romantic partner to be this for us. We can be our own best friend, which is our biggest cheerleader and also the person that kicks us in the butt when we need it, the person that tells us what we need to hear because they're on our team. We can be this for ourselves. These things that we lack sometimes, we can create them for ourselves now that we've realized it. It doesn't require us to go back and be like i'm a victim of my past but like okay i learned that you know these people who raised me weren't

perfect my parents had to go to work every single day they could have been sleep deprived they could have been stressed out and if they yelled at me i completely understand it and i mentioned this in the book how my mom raised me versus how i see her as a grandmother. And I'm like, who is this woman compared to who raised me? Her context and her circumstances are different. She's retired. She can spend all day following around my niece and nephew. Loving on them, yeah. Loving on them, not being the disciplinary,

feeding them all the food that they're not supposed to eat because it's not her responsibility. And I think that's important. So for me now, I need to be the nurturing parent for myself which means and even as a self-employed individual and you know this when you work for yourself you have the best and worst boss imaginable because you'll say things to yourself you would never let anybody say to you right you would say things to yourself that you would never say to anybody else and I think from that, but that doesn't lead to more productivity.

That's not efficient. So saying, oh, man, we were supposed to write 1,000 words today and we didn't. You piece of garbage. What's wrong with you? Why did you watch TV all day? That's not what you would say to an employee. You've got to be like, look, man, we had some goals today. We didn't hit them.

What can we do? What can we do to do better tomorrow? And it's speaking to ourselves with love because we're still speaking to an inner child. Right, right. And that's what going easier

on yourself is. It's not just this is what's wrong with you. The goal here is to figure out where the gaps were address those gaps we have to do it effectively

and doing it effectively means with love. Yes. And speaking to ourselves kindly and tenderly and again sometimes love is a kiss on the cheek sometimes it's a kick on the butt means with love. Yes. And speaking to ourselves kindly and tenderly. And again, sometimes love is a kiss on the cheek. Sometimes it's a kick on the butt.

You know what you require. You know, it's not these romanticized ideas that we've seen in the films and on television. That's not what it is. We know what true love is because we all have true love in our lives. And all we have to realize is we can multiply that with ourselves. And as we become the biggest source, and if we give love and express love without requiring anything in return, then we'll be very surprised to see how much more love we can realize. 100%, man. Well, I'm excited for you and the book. Again, make sure you guys get a copy, check it out. Very powerful, inspiring stuff. Share it with friends.

I acknowledge you, Humble, for revealing this and for going through this. I know it's not easy to talk about these things and to talk about, I guess, the lessons or the failures that you might think you have had to get to where you're at. And start reclaiming the love that's always been inside of you so i really acknowledge you for for creating it and using your artistic expression as a poet as a leader as a creator to to provide this for us as art for ourselves too so i really acknowledge you for that man i appreciate it um where can we uh follow you and and support you with the book the best place uh so the book is available everywhere books are sold you can find me on amazon easily you can find me you at all major retailers, Barnes & Noble. If you're out there in the UK, Waterstones. Your local bookshop should definitely have it. You can find me at HumbleThePoet on all socials.

And HumbleThePoet.com slash love is the easiest way to find all the links for the book. Yeah. Love it, man. This is a question I asked you before but I said again, it's the three truths we'll see if it's changed imagine it's your last day on earth and For whatever reason you've accomplished everything you want to accomplish in your life You live as long as you want, but you got to take all of your works with you this book every book you've written your Poetry your music everything for whatever reason it's got to go somewhere else. It's no longer here on this earth. But you get to leave behind three lessons to all of us, three truths.

And that's all we have to remember you by. What would be those three truths for you? The newest truth that I've adopted for myself is I have divorced myself from chasing happiness and success. And I now chase fun and hopefulness. That's cool. So I want to, and hopefulness I define as having something to look forward to. That's cool. I think everyone needs something to look forward to.

Realizing that we gain more from wanting less. It's okay that there's so many things around us to want. But the happiest moments that we have is when we are in this position of not needing or desiring anything. And to put ourselves in that situation. And it rarely comes from taking off boxes. It comes from internal work. off boxes. It comes from internal work. And I think lastly, there will be so many obstacles when you try to help yourself. There are next to no obstacles when you try to help others. And as somebody who grew up in Eastern philosophy and then seen a lot of eastern philosophy kind of move into the across the ocean and become kind of packaged here in north america

a good litmus test of spiritual practice should be service yeah if the spiritual practice doesn't include this idea of serving outside of yourself then you're probably in a pyramid scheme yourself then you're probably in a pyramid scheme whatever whatever whatever your spiritual practices needs to involve living a life beyond yourself and whatever your definition of services for me it's just living a life beyond myself realizing I don't live in a universe of one I am I am I am a piece of a system and love is an essential service and serving people in any capacity that you feel. You can go to the food bank, go to the food bank.

If you can, you know, spread the word on social media, spread the word on social media. If you can, you know, give to the homeless, whatever serving people means to you, make it a priority, put it in the calendar.

And I think the quality of your life and how much love you reveal will definitely supremely grow more than doing some of the other external stuff. I agree, man. That's beautiful. Final question, what's your definition of greatness? I want to talk about the summit. Listen, as I told you, I've been to so many cool events.

I've been to Google Camp. Look that up if you want to know what that is That's one of the most exclusive events on this planet, and it was cool. It was fun. I've been to Google's like ice I've been to TED talks. I've been to the world domination summit. These are all wonderful. I am a think tank geek I'm a think tank groupie anywhere where there will be speakers and there will be learners. You will see me there And then I I visited just some of the greatness this year for the first time and what i realized was a commitment to not cutting corners a commitment to giving it everything sometimes not finding the most efficient way sometimes not maximizing profits

sometimes it's about creating the best experience within your capabilities and i think when i went there and i saw it just you structured it perfectly just two speakers you know I've been to events with like 17 speakers I'm tired and the best ones at the end and I'm just like I'm my brain's already shot the way you did that I thought was beautiful the way there was this theme and I don't know if this was intentional you were making fun of the speakers and they were making fun of you so you know if i didn't know who you were i thought you were a stand-up comedian because you were in between the speakers and it was a beauty to that and um i know i can't share this stuff publicly but some of the footage i have

of your after party was bananas and i'm not talking about my unique experience i'm talking about when i was up top oh man you can share that Why not? It was because some people aren't wearing clothes. But I looked at it. It was be great in your learning, but be great in your celebrations. So I think greatness isn't what the outside world sees. It's seeing the effort. And I'm an artist, and people say art is subjective i i disagree when i see effort you know when we see ruben's work it's like okay he's writing the word

love over and over first off him doing it consistently is energy and effort him getting to that position him committing his life there's energy and effort there so i think when it comes to greatness it's only you know if you gave it your all, irrespective of the outcome. You know, you can play certain, you know, you played sports. There's certain games you played, gave it 70% energy and you guys won. There's games you gave it 110% and you guys didn't win. The outcome isn't as, to me, the outcome isn't as important as the energy and the labor. Because that's what builds the self-respect.

That's what builds all that. So to me, that's what greatness is. Greatness is what you put into it. and i think the summit for me was that because i feel i've been to so many they've been on autopilot and the way i saw and then knowing the speakers and having them speak about their experience what their hotel rooms look like right having the experiences of you know the speakers dinner having the after party being like okay somebody all i know is somebody cared every step of the way. And then being in the audience, finding people that are coming back there, not just for the events,

because they made lifelong friends. And being like, oh, I'm here because this is the only time I get to see so-and-so. We've been coming for the last three years. And then, you know, hearing all of this, being like, okay, this is a beautiful situation. And I think the way greatness was defined through that was this energy effort of love. And I'm sure it could have been, you could have overextended yourself and made it bigger. I'm sure you could have charged more for the tickets. I'm sure you could have done a whole bunch of different things, but you didn't. You kept it

the way to maximize it as a beautiful experience. And I think for me, you know, I'm proud to know that, you know, as Ruben's been affiliated with the word love, you've been affiliated with the word greatness. Because when these cameras go off, you are just as wonderful, if not more. And I think I want your audience to know that. I've known you for years. Appreciate it, man. You're just a dope dude.

Everyone we speak to knows you're a dope dude. And, you know, so greatness is just putting in that energy and effort and doing things from love. My man, appreciate you. Thanks, Hubble. I hope you enjoyed today's episode and it inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full rundown of today's episode with all the important links. for a full rundown of today's episode with all the important links. And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me personally,

as well as ad-free listening, then make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel exclusively on Apple Podcasts. Share this with a friend on social media and leave us a review on Apple Podcasts as well. Let me know what you enjoyed about this episode in that review. I really love hearing feedback from you and it helps us figure out how we can support and serve you moving forward. And I want to remind you, if no one has told you lately that you are loved, you are worthy and you matter. And now it's time to go out there and do something great.