The School of Greatness - Martha Higareda Howes: Opening Up About Our Journey To Marriage (Our Step-By-Step Process + A Huge SURPRISE!)

Episode Date: June 23, 2025

Leave an Amazon Rating or Review for my New York Times Bestselling book, Make Money Easy!Most couples rush into marriage without building the foundation that actually matters, but Martha Higareda Howes, accomplished actress and my wife, shows us what intentional relationship preparation looks like. We dive deep into our year-long marriage preparation journey, revealing the workshops, therapy sessions, and difficult conversations that created unshakeable unity before we even said "I do." Martha vulnerably shares how she learned to break free from controlling patterns rooted in childhood safety mechanisms, while I open up about requiring acceptance over perfection from a partner. The most powerful moment comes when Martha demonstrates true partnership by choosing our marriage agreements over family pressure during our wedding day crisis, proving that real love means protecting the relationship you're building together. Anyone dating seriously, engaged, or married will walk away with a blueprint for creating the kind of relationship that thrives under pressure rather than crumbles.Martha on InstagramThe Greatness Mindset: Unlock the Power of Your Mind and Live Your Best Life TodayThe Mask of Masculinity: How Men Can Embrace Vulnerability, Create Strong Relationships, and Live Their Fullest LivesThe School of Greatness: A Real-World Guide to Living Bigger, Loving Deeper, and Leaving a LegacyIn this episode you will learn:How to break free from controlling relationship patterns that stem from childhood safety mechanismsThe marriage preparation program framework that creates unshakeable foundations before your wedding dayWhy accepting your partner completely is more powerful than trying to change themHow to navigate family boundaries when creating your new marriage unitThe conflict resolution method that prevents resentment from building over timeFor more information go to https://www.lewishowes.com/1788For more Greatness text PODCAST to [phone]More SOG episodes we think you’ll love:Dr. Caroline Fleck – greatness.lnk.to/1774SCMatthew Hussey  – greatness.lnk.to/1782SCStephen Chandler – greatness.lnk.to/1756SC Get more from Lewis! Get my New York Times Bestselling book, Make Money Easy!Get The Greatness Mindset audiobook on SpotifyText Lewis AIYouTubeInstagramWebsiteTiktokFacebookX

Love doesn't exist. Literally. Love is a bird. So if I want to know how much love you have, then I want to pay attention to your actions and the way you behave towards me. A Mexican actress, writer and producer best known for her role on Netflix's Altered Carbon. This is a woman who has captured my heart,

who has fully loved and accepted me for who I am as a human being. Please welcome Martha House. When you're struggling with something about the person you're with over and over and over again it's because underneath that you wish they would change that. That's the person you're with. And either accept her or don't be with her. Exactly. Why do you think God needs to be at the center of intimacy and relationships for married couples?

I did this pilgrimage, and I was having a really beautiful conversation with a priest. And he set the number one advice for these people. How does it feel to have your last name as house? Amazing. Feels good? Yes. Does it feel like powerful and let's go?

Yeah, we're united. We're united. Yes. We're a family. We are family. Uh-huh. And this whole episode is going to be breaking down how we prepared for marriage.

The process we went through, all the different steps. It was a lot. It was a lot of different steps. A lot of different steps. But it was, for me, it was like, I wish everyone went through a similar process before getting married, really before getting engaged and then getting married. And the last time we had an episode of you on was when I

proposed to you at summit of greatness. That was the last episode. So it was about a year and a half ago and it was on stage at Summit of Greatness. We had an amazing interview and I had a ring in my pocket. I didn't know. The crazy thing is that it was, you told me like, oh, you're going to be on stage with me. I'm going to ask you some questions. And I thought, what about? I was like, do you want prep me on the? Was it like two or three days before? It was like a week before, right? It was like a week before? Yeah, like suddenly I think I heard about it

from Sara first. Yeah, I was like, wow, am I gonna be, yeah, you're gonna be one of the, you know. Speakers. Speakers, I was like, okay, great. I was like, don't worry about it, I'll just ask you, we'll do an interview, I'll ask you some questions and it'll be fine.

Yeah, but then you know how I am. I'm very studious. So I like to prepare. So I was like, love, what like what do you want us to talk about? What is this going to be about? You know, and you were like, you know, I don't know, just ask you questions. And then you'll respond to the relationship stuff. But you came prepared with like notes, note cards. You had like incredible answers. I didn't even know what I was gonna ask you, but you had the answers prepared.

And at the end I stood up and I was like, everyone give Martha a round of applause. We stood up and I was like, okay, you can go off. And then I pulled you back and I was like, oh wait, I have one more question. One question I've never been able to ask anyone. And I got on a knee and asked you a question. It was like the loudest scream ever.

I did have one final question that I want to ask and I actually have never asked this question to anyone in 10 years of my podcast. I wanted to ask you, I was curious. Oh my God. Are you married? Yes. Oh my God.

Are you married? Yes. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Are you married? Oh my God. That was like the beginning of once you get in, once we got engaged, we didn't get married for another year and three, four months. Uh huh. Right?

Today of this filming, not when it goes out, but today that we're filming, we've been married three months as of today. Yes. And by the way, at the end of this episode, we have two big surprises we're gonna share with people. We do? We have two big surprises.

Okay, so this is the way you are. So we're gonna have two big surprises at the end. The surprises are all for me, because you don't tell me. No, you don't want me to tell you. Okay, okay. We have two big surprises at the end of this episode, so get me, because you don't tell me this is what we're gonna do. You know what we're talking about. We have two big surprises at the end of this episode, so get ready for that. I know about one, I don't know the second one.

Okay, well, we'll see. We'll see, maybe I'll share both. Okay. But this is, we got married at the church, not even a mile from here, three months ago today. Then we got married in Mexico a week later, had friends, family come. But it was amazing.

But it was a year and like, whatever, three months of us being engaged, also living together, and going through a process of, okay, what do we really want? What does our true alignment look like? What are our values? We talked about all these things, but now it's like stepping into marriage, what does this look like? Yes. And it was a process. There were things I wanted to do. There were things you wanted to do. Some of it felt like a lot of work.

It felt like, oh man, this is like going back to school. We read tons of books together. We went through workbooks. We went through workshops. And I think they were all necessary. We went to therapy together. Like we did all these things Not because something was wrong or that we feel like we needed to fix something but more to to build a strong foundation And everything we were talking about for the whole year was like, how do we strengthen and deepen our foundation? Because we know

From experience of talking to a lot of successful married couples We know that life throws adversity and challenges at everyone. Yes individuals couples married people whatever and The goal for us was how do we set ourselves up for success being married? Knowing that there's going be challenge, adversity, stress that comes our way, individually, as couples, whatever it might be. Knowing that we're not gonna have some perfect marriage,

knowing that it's gonna be seasons of high and seasons of challenge to overcome, all these different things. So how do we stay together in strong unity, even when something is really great or there's a challenge facing our way? And that's really what it was. It was like, how do we set this up

so that we have a language we can speak and understand, values, agreements? And agreements was like one of the biggest things. But we went through a number of books that we'll talk about in another episode. But one of the biggest things. But we went through a number of books that we'll talk about in another episode. But one of the things we went through, which was marriage preparation program for engaged couples that really set us up for success.

It was an amazing experience because it's something that we did through the Catholic church. And other people that we know who have taken this workshop, they say, you know, you don't need to be a Catholic to take it, this is something that you really, it'd be very good if you can take it. Because of all the subjects that we were discussing,

and there's other couples there, so you get to hear, you know, also what are the insights as well. And it's giving, the whole workshop is given by, you know, a couple who has been married for at least 40 years. Yeah, I think they were together for like 30 something years. 38, like something like that. Close to 40 years. And they struggled for like the first 15 years because they didn't go through this. And then they started to go through this program and they have a lot more joy in their life. A lot more love, a lot more joy.

The wife, she was really funny. She was like, you know, I thought I was gonna get divorced after like 15 years. It was just constant, it was like a constant battle. There was like, we were just always in friction, you know? And then we'd have like a good weekend and then two, three weeks of stress and fighting and arguments.

And she said after 15 years, it was just like, I think I'm done, I can't deal with this anymore. It's too much stress. He doesn't understand me. I don't understand him. We are butting heads. What's the point of being in this stressful, complicated marriage where we don't see eye to eye? We don't speak the same language. We don't have the same values. We don't have the agreements. And she said that she, a friend of hers was like, why don't you come to church? Come with me. And something spoke to her when she went to church.

So what was happening with her is that she explained this to us, but this can happen to a lot of us women, that in order to keep safety in the relationship, you can start having a controlling personality, which is what she was struggling with. She's trying to control everything about him. Everything. Where are you going? Don't go hang out with your friends. You need to be here. What are you doing with the kids? Stop doing this. Start doing this. She was like... She started to become the mom of the husband as opposed to the wife, the partner, the lover.

And so, no. And so, he was feeling that he couldn't do anything, otherwise she'd be upset. And she wanted to take the lead in the relationship and say, what are we going to do? What job position you're going to take? Where are we going to live? What's going to... All of the decisions she wanted to take, but also at the same time, she wanted to feel feminine, but she felt she was having to carry the relationship on her own. So then a friend of hers invited her to go to church and she went to church and she started going like, I need to let go of control. I need to let go of control and give it to God and just, it's not up to me, otherwise I'm going to drown. Why do you think so many women try to take control in their relationship, whether they're dating, engaged, or Why do you think so many women try to take control in their relationship, whether they're

dating, engaged, or married, why are so many women in that position of being in control rather than allowing their partner, their man, to lead the vision? I think, I think personally, I think it goes from way back when that woman was a little girl. Whatever it is that as we are growing up, whatever place that makes us feel I'm safe in this place, it's a protective mechanism. That's what I really think it is. That when you feel insecure about certain things, you want to know what your man is doing every single time, at every single moment, like literally.

Like, what is he doing 24-7? It's not because you're trying to think you're being controlling, it's because you are trying to build safety for you. Because something must have happened to you way back when you were little, something must have happened maybe perhaps with your mom or with your dad that you never felt that you can rely on that person.

So if your dad left, or if your dad was intermittent, sometimes he'd be there, sometimes he wouldn't be there, sometimes he wouldn't be there for you or your mom, you start feeling like okay this is the way love is. So when you grow up you think okay if I can have control and I can know what this person is doing 24-7 then I'll be safe. Then I know for sure he loves me. It comes from that. It also happens to men too. It's not necessarily just for a woman, but yeah.

But why get into a relationship if you have to always be obsessive about what the partner's doing all day long or making sure that you're in control of what they're doing so you can feel safe? Why even get in a relationship? Because everybody wants to be loved. And so they have a different version

of what love means for them. And I think so, you know, it's good to be with a person that you're sharing your life with. It's just that not all the time we are taught what is the healthy love versus the co-dependency or the controlling, you know, all of that is part of the codependency. Yeah. Yeah. And I think from the beginning, we both made it clear to each other of like meeting each other that was like,

this is my life and this is the vision I have and this is what I wanna create in my life in a relationship and you were sharing the same thing and we were like, this is what we've both been through in the past that we don't wanna live like anymore. We both wanted to feel accepted for who we are, accepted for our dreams, our goals, accepted for our lifestyle. Personality. Yeah personality. Yeah. We're not trying to change the other person or say I don't like that, quit doing that. Yes. And really creating a sense of acceptance rather than control. I think control is a lack of acceptance.

It's like, okay, I don't like what you're doing here. So do this so I can feel safe as opposed to I accept what you're creating. If there's something that feels off, can we have a conscious conversation where we're creating safety together, but not a sense of stop doing that? Don't do this. Don't do this. Like. And then it becomes like unsexy in reality.

If you start controlling your man, or the man even the woman, but if you start controlling the man all the time, telling him what to do, what not to do, I didn't like this, I like this, look at this, you start becoming the parent. You're like, you know, the morning you try to remind me, hey, take your supplements, right?

There's certain reminders you'll do. That's nurturing. And there's certain things where I'm like, you know, in the morning, you try to remind me, hey, take your supplements, right? There's certain reminders you'll do. That's nurturing. And there's certain things where I'm like, hey, don't lift this heavy thing right now or whatever, or don't do this thing. Why don't you take a rest and take a nap? Or, you know, it's like a reminder, you know? So there's a balance, I think, of like,

you say I daddy you sometimes. Yeah, sometimes you do. It's like, I'm like, hey, stop doing that. Yes. Or when I go shopping, you go, you don't need that. That's true. Yeah. Sometimes. But it's like, you know, my dad does it. My brother does it to his wife. Like, it's like, I was talking to my mom about it. And she was like, listen, that

as a male personality, they they have the feeling and the protector, it's protector and his leadership. Yeah, this is this is how my mom, you know This is how my mom raised the FEMA in our family. But she said, a man's nature is going to want to lead and protect. And they're going to want to do this. So sometimes they're going to tell you, sometimes, hey, don't do this. I don't think you should buy this. I don't think you should get this.

Exactly. And so the mom says, listen, you have two choices. You go, oh, OK, I won't buy it. But if you really want the thing, just go ahead and do it. You know, like, just, it's okay, except, because this is the part, she was telling me, your dad will never change that. We've been together for 43 years of marriage,

and literally she said, your dad will continue to tell me when I go shopping, you don't need this. You already have something similar at home. So she says, you know what I do? I know he is that way. I accept the way he is. And I just buy the thing if I need it. Instead of trying to tell him, hey, don't tell me this.

Every single time you tell me, he's gonna continue to tell you that. All of his life, because this is his way to, maybe he's trying to protect the budget, that's another thing. Or maybe just whatever it is. And it was an interesting conversation. So I was like, if I turn this around

and I say to Louis, every time he wants to buy anything, don't buy this, don't do this, he's gonna feel I'm being controlled. Don't tell me what to do. Right, exactly. I said don't tell me what to do. Yeah, yeah. So in my case- If you say it in a loving way, if you're like me what to do. Right, exactly, right? I said don't tell me what to do. Yeah, yeah. So in my case-

If you say it in a loving way, if you're like, hey, do you think we need this right now? Or hey, I think I already know that you have something like this. Are you sure you wanna buy it? I'm just reminding you. Then I'd be like, oh yeah, okay. But if you're like, don't do this,

I'd be like, don't tell me what to do. Yeah, you already have this thing. Like grown man. Exactly, exactly. But anyway- You don't speak like that to me. You don't speak that way. I don't, I don't, no. And again, You don't speak like that to me. You don't speak that way. I don't, I don't, no.

And again, the intention for this conversation and episode is to share with people all of the things that we did leading up into marriage. Again, we are three months married. We're not here to say how to have a great marriage. We, you know. We're new at this, by the way. We're new.

So there's no way that we can speak from that experience, but we can speak from the experience from being dating to getting engaged, to getting married and what has worked for us. And I think that's what I want to really communicate with anyone watching or listening. And we probably do, because we both had previous experiences and relationships

that were painful or challenging or didn't feel right. Both Martha and I, before we met each other, we were doing individual therapy. So we were both already in a growth journey, a healing journey, a growth mindset, and we were both open to reflecting on ourselves and saying, oh, where did I make a mistake? Where did I not create a boundary? How could I have shown up better for me? How could I have been better in my previous relationships? Whatever might been? To see how we didn't because we didn't want to repeat the same pattern again

So we both were doing that healing journey Before we met each other and then when we got started dating I put it out there to you and I said, I don't want to get committed unless you're willing to do couples therapy at the beginning. And you said, I'd love to. Oh, yeah. It was a little bit more loose than that. You were very, um, have you ever thought about doing therapy at the beginning of a relationship as opposed to like, when there's a lot of troubles and struggles towards the end. I was like, yes, I've always thought that's a great idea. So then you said, you know, I would love to do that because I feel like I couldn't get committed to you

if we don't have this journey. Unless you were open to doing that. Yes, exactly. And I was like, I'm totally open to that. So I've always kind of wanted it. So for me, that was a big, I think just doing that before getting engaged, knowing that I had a partner willing to grow with

me, it doesn't mean you have to do therapy with your partner because someone may not be ready for that. But they've got to be ready to do some type of reflection or some type of work. Otherwise, you're going to be with a partner with a fixed mindset instead of a growth mindset. So it doesn't mean they have to do every workshop that you want to do. It doesn't mean they have to go to therapy right away. It doesn't mean that. But I think they've got to be willing to look at themselves, be willing to have uncomfortable conversations with you then

and see how we can grow together. And even how do you react to the uncomfortable conversations? Oh yeah. That's another thing, because you can meet somebody and that people can say just the right things that you feel like oh my god this person's amazing they're telling me exactly what I wish to hear they've read the books so they've memorized the books

and then they're telling me all the lingo that I love hearing but their behavior if it doesn't match it yeah exactly so for me is the actions are speaking louder than any words you'll tell me. Yeah. Maybe you've never gone to therapy. Maybe you've never read any books. But if you are integrals, kind, loving, you show up, like in the way you show up, to me, it's like that's even more important, because a lot of people can go to therapy.

But we have the podcast. We have the books. We have all these things. But then when you exercise them, when you're actually being what you're saying, um, I was reading this thing the other day from my therapist that, um, she was talking about love, like specifically about love. And love is a thing that you can't just say, you know, love is not a word. Like if like literally she was saying this love doesn't exist. Literally love is a verb.

It's something you practice. So if I want to know how much love you have, then I want to pay attention to your actions and the way you behave towards me. Well, in this case, because we're a partnership, right? And towards people, by the way, how much love you are. And so you are loving, you are kind, you're respectful, you're thoughtful, you engage in the conversation. That's how you love.

You're touchy. You're all these different things. So love is in that respect, it doesn't exist. Then it's a thing that is just floating out here. The concept of love is a thing that you see in the movies, in TV shows. It's floating. But when you say, you know what, what is really love, love is a verb that translates into actions.

Yeah, exactly. It's a good is a verb that translates into actions. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Exactly. It's a good thing I took a lot of action. You did. You do. And you continue to do. Of course.

Yes. Yes. So there are a lot of things that we did that, again, not everyone has to do before getting engaged or married. But there are a lot of things that we did. We did therapy together. We did workshops together. and not everyone has to do before getting engaged or married. But there are a lot of things that we did. We did therapy together. We did workshops together.

We did work books together. We read books together. We meditated together. We prayed together. We went to church together. And we had relationship mentorship conversations. So we did lots of different things around relationships. I'm not saying everyone has to do all those things

all at once, it might seem like a lot of work. But also by the way, it was a lot of fun. It was, there were moments that were rough. There were, it was fun most of the time. Yes, most of the time. Sometimes, I'm like a deep growth mindset person, and I'm in this work constantly. But there were times where I was like, I just need a break from this.

I need to like, let's just go to the chair. I'm just like, I don't want to talk about this. Let's just go have fun, right? But I'm glad I did a lot of this work, probably 90% of the time, because it gives me so much peace knowing that I can fully be myself in our relationship and that I can speak my mind and you're not gonna react or scream at me or respond in some negative way. And I think you trust and respect me more

because you've known I've done the work and the foundation of our relationship. And so I feel like you accept me and love me more because of the investment I made in shared growth, in shared conversations and in doing that work early on. And my whole vision and goal is to create that we created the foundation for ourselves so that we can just keep enjoying to have fun and live a beautiful expansive life day after day, year after year. And again, when there's challenge

or adversity that comes, you have the tools, we have tools. And we have also a foundation of strength of, hey, we know how to talk about this. Yes. And we don't need to blame each other or make the other person wrong. It's not about the other person not being there. It's about how do we handle the challenge of the adversity that's coming our way? How do we make it about the challenge, not about us? And I think it's supported us because of how much work we did on these different things and continue to do on a weekly basis.

Do you wanna share some of these? Cause I think they were- Yeah, I wanna walk through kind of like the whole process of this. Again, the whole thing was called Marriage Preparation Program for Engaged Couples. Now, it doesn't mean you have to be engaged to do this. I almost think like if you thought about doing this before engagement, it would be better because a lot of people get engaged and they don't have all these conversations. They're

more engaged for what, six to 12 months or two years, and you still don't have the conversations and you get married and you're like, Oh, I didn't know this about you. Cause we lacked the courage or the, the presence or whatever to speak up and use our voice and say, this is what I really want for the vision of my life. And so again, I almost think this is what we did something else before getting engaged. We read a book called Eight Dates as well. Yes, which was really powerful. We wrote a book.

We read a book called How to Be an Adult in Relationships. It's an amazing book. And we'll kind of I think in the future, we'll break down a few of these different books that were really powerful for us. But this what and I think maybe that was if you go through eight dates, it's kind of like a preview to what you're gonna get in this. It's a preview. Yeah, it's like you're getting the water up to here.

Yeah, it's starting to talk about. This other one was really like deep. This is deep. You're going deep. So I'm just gonna walk through some of the things that we talked about and then we can break down each one of these. But the first part of it, which I thought was really cool,

was a candle ceremony, which for a guy, it might seem a little weird, being like, okay, we're gonna do this candle ceremony, which for a guy might seem a little weird being like, okay, we're gonna do this candle ceremony, but I think women may be more open to that or more used to doing this. But it's really about like we had to have a candle, we lit the candle, and we set an intention for what we wanted to create from this experience. Right? It was like, what is our intention? What do we want to build for this weekend workshop when we go through this? How do we wanted to create from this experience. Right, it was like, what is our intention? What do we wanna build for this weekend workshop when we go through this?

How do we wanna show up? It was just allowing our hearts and our minds to get in alignment with a vision of connection, communication, honesty, and vulnerability. It's like, how do I make sure I really speak what I feel or all my fears or concerns so that I share things and my partners are able to share things and we can come together stronger.

Yeah. And it was also beautiful because we said, while doing the scandal ceremony, we prayed about it. Meaning also we were saying, it's not just the two of us in this relationship. We're inviting and bringing God into the relationship because although these conversations are gonna be, some of them are gonna be a lot of fun,

some of them can be hard. So we gotta remember that, you know, it's not just the two of us. We have a higher power that's helping us through these conversations. It's interesting because I think this was, I'd interviewed Liz Gilbert, I think before we went through this.

And Elizabeth Gilbert from Eat, Pray, Love. And she had gone through different relationships in her past. She'd been married, divorced, and then she was in another relationship a couple of years ago that was extremely intense, like so intense and very like so much chemistry and explosive, but also toxic as well, as she talked about in this episode.

And she, and the reason why it was so intense in a lot of different ways is her partner, I think had cancer and ended up dying when they were in this relationship. And it like broke her spirit afterwards, right? And she realized that she was in kind of like this addictive loop, this love addiction. This kind of like love addiction of like chemicals and feelings and like we're so connected and you'll get me and I get you.

And when I had her on, she was like, man, I was really in a toxic place for most of my life, living from this space of just chemistry and making it happen. And she said one of the things when she went to like sex therapy rehab, she said, something I realized is that I never had God in my relationships. How many relationships do you feel like you've been in in the past, like intimate relationships, whether it be like dating or sexual or? Oh, like 40. 40, okay.

You know, like 45 maybe. How many of the relationships you've been in had God at the core of the center? None. In the future, do you feel like God will be in the relationship in some way if God's not in the relationship it's not a relationship you know and and I heard a prayer recently in one of the 12 step rooms and this is about every relationship you know not just sexual intimate but somebody said dear God please only bring me relationships

where you can be first and I can be me. Oh man, that's good. God is gonna have your back no matter what. And their back. Why do you think God needs to be at the center of intimacy and relationships for married couples? When I went to, you know, I did this Pilgrimage to Medjugorje and I was having a really beautiful conversation with a priest, you know, it's such a wonderful experience because

you get to go through all of this and just basically like, you know, the experience of confession is like you bring everything that is waiting on you, everything that is happening, everything. It was a beautiful, beautiful conversation. After that, we were just going for a walk. And I'm talking to the priest and saying, you know, my fiance and I are getting ready to get married. Do you have any advice for us? And he said, that's the number one advice he gives people.

Bring God into the relationship. He said, a relationship doesn't break up, a marriage doesn't break up due to the lack of sex or due to the lack of communication. It's like they break up due to the lack of God. And the reason why, he said, is because when you love God, you love your partner. And when you love your partner, you love God. It's like, it's your way, like your partner is in this life being there for you to enjoy, to grow with, to explore life with, to have

intimacy with, to have conversations, to have growth, to have family, like all these different things. It's like expansive, a beautiful, expansive loving experience that God has put there in front of you for you to enjoy. So you can't say, I love God, but I hate my husband. Well then you're not loving God. You see? Like you can't say these type of things. You can't, like if you look at your husband in the

eyes, even if he's at that moment you're like, oh my god, he's annoying me. What is this thing? He's just living his life. He's being whatever he's being at that moment because you never know. Maybe he has nothing to do about you. Maybe he's frustrated with something with work. Maybe he's, you know, being a little bit impatient. Maybe he's whatever. He's living a life experience at the moment and you're sharing this life with this person. And God is there with you to give you the moment to say, I love him. He's just having a hard time right now. You know, or he's just being the way he is usually in these situations. And that's okay. I love him. I accept him just as much as love loves me and accepts me. It's imitating

the love of God into the relationship. Like this is the way I took it in. And this is the way I feel with you. You know, I see you, I'm like, what a gift. What a gift to have in my life, this man. And you are fantastic. 98% of the time, there's the 2% of the time, but I go, but I giggle inside. You know what I mean? So when I'm in breakdown

or I'm doing something that's frustrating you or I'm impatient or whatever it is, or I'm like stressed out or I'm not being, you know, present or something like that, what do you think about or how do you handle it internally as opposed to being like you're not being present. Look at me, pay attention or why are you so impatient right now? Like why can't you just be patient? You don't react in these, you know, quick reaction ways to like strike me down if I'm not perfect 100% of the time.

And so what do you think about when I'm in a breakdown moment or? Like if you're in a breakdown, it happens so rarely, but when... Or if you just feel like, ah, he's just not paying attention or he's being impatient or he's distracted or whatever, you know. I just think in my mind, I just don't make it about me. Why would it be about me? Well, unless it really is about me, you probably will tell me. But in my mind, I think there must be something going on with him right now

that is making him frustrated at this moment. Or if you're frustrated because we're having a frustrating situation between the two of us, I know, for example, and it has happened very rarely, but if you wanna leave the room at the moment, I know you're not leaving the room because you're trying to avoid the conversation that we're having.

I know you, because I know you, that you are measuring yourself, and if you are starting to feel like you're gonna get upset, you'd rather leave rather than me poking the bear and then suddenly, you know, don't poke the bear. Exactly. But this is why it's important to do these exercises because you get to know your man.

You get to know the woman you're with, you know, and that's part of acceptance. Like if I, if I, like I said, it's very rarely, but when I've seen you doing like that, I just go, it's OK, he needs his time off and that's fine. And then, you know, sometimes, you know how they say people, they, they tell you don't go to bed upset, right? You can try, but if you're still a little bit upset, it's okay. Like the world's not going to end tomorrow morning. Like, okay. Whenever you have time, we'll discuss what happened with a sense of humor. I've heard that for sure. I mean so many people have said that.

Yeah. I don't know because then you have to force yourself to stay awake when you're exhausted to try to find resolution. Yeah. And you might be up to 6 a.m. Yeah, no, no, no. And then the next day is gone. You're not even thinking at that moment. You can't think.

No, you're not. You can't think straight. So it's like I hear that and I get that and I think it's a good thing to try if you can resolve something before 6 a.m. Or you can do this other strategy which is like not even black or white. Let's pause it. Let's hit pause. That doesn't mean I'm not gonna say I love you. Good night. I'm here with you. This is our life. Let's talk about it. It's okay. We'll talk about it tomorrow. I think that's good. Or even some other day. I think that's good. But for me, it's just the first thing I do.

I don't take it personally. I think you're going through also other things in life because I know. And then you got to have a little bit of sense of humor. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Like literally. There's little things that you do sometimes that inside of me, I'm giggling not in a bad way but I'm giggling because I go, I know heaven.

Right. You know, yeah. Things like that. Okay. So that the candle ceremony was the first part, which is kind of setting the intention. We're going to create a space of openness, of love, of communication. And the second part was the sacrament of matrimony. I don't even remember this part, but do you remember what this is? It's just basically,

they explained to us what it really is, that it is- What marriage is. Marriage is. And what is it? What do they explain? What does that mean? It means like what we were just talking about, that it's a beautiful gift that God is giving you, and you are choosing to have. Right. It's not just like, oh, you are choosing to go into this journey together in which you know there's going to be up and downs. There's going to be situations.

There's going to have, you know, there's going to be paths in which maybe you're going to exercise forgiveness. Maybe you know, go for bits, but like something happens to one of your children. Like there's so many things that are going to come and you just got to remember. You're coming together at this. You're not alone in this. You have your wife, you're not alone in this. You have your husband and you both have God.

So that was that one. The next thing we did, which I think is probably something a lot of people struggle with because they don't have these conversations, is your family of origin. And here's an example. When people get married, well, this is an example, I guess, for both of us. This happened for both of us.

When people get married, your parent-in-law or sibling-in-law on both sides will say, welcome to the family. Yes. What's happened to the both of us? Welcome to the family. And it's all good intentions. Right? It doesn't mean a bad thing.

But essentially, I didn't join your family. You didn't join my family. We created a new family, and we both have extended family. And most people don't think that way. And again, it's not a bad way to think about it because I think it's, oh, we're all one big happy family, but then things get really messy at different times because you have certain traditions from your origin of family. I have different traditions or lack of traditions, whatever it might be. And parent-in-laws and different extended family want you to come at certain times.

And it's like, well, this is what I've always done. We always did this tradition, or my parents always did this, so we have to go here. We have to do this. But when we create a new marriage, you would create a new family. And we are no longer in our other family. It doesn't mean they aren't our extended family

and we didn't grow up in that family, but we have created a other family. It doesn't mean they aren't our extended family and we didn't grow up in that family, but we have created a new family. And therefore we had to, it was really cool because we had like a graph that we put ourselves like individually, our parents, how many siblings they had, how many like cousins and aunts and uncles they had, and how many siblings we have, right? like what is your origin family and draw it out with like little stick figures and heads and

The couple that that was doing the workshop with us The husband he had like a very small family and or he had a big he had a massive family He filled out his entire page kind of like me. So all people He had a massive family. He filled out his entire page, kind of like me. So all people. His parents, he said. And the woman was just like four people. I was like, oh, and then these people died,

and it was just us and my sister, and that was it. So then she explained to us that she struggled for a chunk of the relationship at the beginning. She wanted more privacy, and she wanted like. And she wanted to ask the opinion of every single one of the members of his family before they can make a decision. Exactly.

Because this also happens frequently. And I want to say, I'm going to speak as a Latina because this is what I know of, but I assume it also happens in other different cultures, but when you are so close to your family of origin, you're like glue. You do everything together, every family vacation, every Christmas, every birthday party, and you are used glue. You do everything together. Every family vacation, every Christmas, everything. Every birthday party. And you are used to being the daughter or the son. So what happens is this, there comes the next family vacation

and usually the parents decide, where are we gonna go? We're gonna go here and then you go, you follow. At least if you were raised the way I was raised, you follow whatever the parents. Follow your parents. Yes, exactly. So then when you enter a committed relationship, it happens more frequently than not

that the person who's used to having that type of glue with the family makes a plan with their partner, but then the family comes in and says, no, wait a second, we bought tickets, we're coming to visit you. And you've, you know, this happened to me, I told you about it. And you're like, how do I tell my mom or my dad

they can't come visit me? Because I made these plans already with my partner. It didn't happen. Didn't happen with me. With you, no. In the past, it's something I learned. And if you continue to think that your family of origin is your family,

then who's your husband? Right. Then who's your wife? Is he just a roommate? Like a partner? Like what is that person? So it's like shifting literally all of that and saying, no, you are my family from now on.

Like we are making our decisions together as a family and we don't have to ask and consult the other extended family for these decisions. Okay. Yeah. Why? Like why? And what they want to do. And then the step of setting boundaries with the, with the extended family.

How hard is that or how hard was that for you to create boundaries? Or is that for like Latin culture or Latin communities to create boundaries with parents or extended family when they get married? It could be hard because I mean it wasn't for me because you know my family and I did that work before I met you but it can be hard because you don't want to offend your mom you don't want to offend your dad and then they and then, if they're Latinos, they do get offended. You know, like, oh, I can't believe you have to ask your fiance if you can come to the trip because you guys had other plans.

What do you mean? So it's like this thing that doesn't come from a bad place. I want to say who is the guy online that we like watching his content? And say Mark Driscoll. Oh, he speaks a lot. He says, listen who is the guy online that we like watching his content as in Mark Driscoll? Oh, he speaks a lot where he says listen, you know, and he's like a father and he's got kids and then he's got grandkids or whatever. And so his kids have their own family and he's like, I understand this as a father. It's hard to, you know, once your daughter, your son goes and creates their own family, you're no longer in their family. You obviously, it's your daughter, it's your child, it's your daughter, it's your son,

and you're going to treat them like that, but you also have to respect that they are now in a new family. They have a husband or a wife and they're creating their kids and they're creating their routines and their rituals. He said something like, listen, you're gonna make your own Christmas and Thanksgiving and holiday plans. We're gonna try to entice you and say, we're going to make your own Christmas and Thanksgiving and holiday plans. We're going to try to entice you and say, we're going to have a lot of cool gifts and free food, and we're going to, you know, offer you things to come to our home as well, if you want to.

But if you want to do your own thing, we have to respect that as the parents. And that's just the natural progression of life and seasons of life. And then when your kids go off and get married, they're no longer your family. They're your extended family, which is the weirdest thing to think of. It's not something I thought of before this process. Do you know, I think it'd be worth to bring up the,

do you wanna bring the church wedding and what happens? So I think for me, that was a really big test. Oh man, yeah, this is intense. But I think it's a beautiful test of of this conversation that we're having. Yeah I mean it's a good example. But we don't. I mean I might look like a jerk but I'll share it anyways. No, no, I don't think so. Well I'll share it's okay it don't matter. Well so what happened is Martha and I were planning I mean it was a whole process of like figuring out where we're going to get married, the planning process,

like all that was a thing in itself, planning a wedding. But Martha really wanted to get married in the church first. And I was like, cool, happy to do it. And then we were going to get married like a week or two later, but we never figured out the date when we were going to get married. And I want to interject for a second. You were so amazing when we talked to the priest about this because you know how important it is for us also.

And for me, we have this relationship also with God, right? So it was really important. The priest did not have any availability or dates to do a formal wedding the way the church does it. Before our, we had a wedding date in Mexico, but you wanted to get married beforehand. And he was like, I don't know how many open dates. And Louis held me and he went,

if we don't get married like this, she won't feel like we're getting married. It will feel for her like we're like, We're not married still. We're not married still. We're just married in Mexico That's not by the church, but just a ceremony with friends and family I was telling the priest I was like she's not gonna feel married isn't that right? And you were like yes

You were like tearing up And I go what's the chance? Yes, we can make this happen any other time before we leave. So he said You know, okay, we can make it happen But it's gonna be very little people because otherwise then it's an actual event. So we're going to do it. And then he throw, he threw a date like a week. It was today, three months ago.

Yeah, exactly. It was, yeah, it's February 1st. Oh, interesting. February 1st. Yeah. Three months ago. So I want to preface this. Originally it was the second and then he moved to the first.

That's true. I want to preface this by saying that in in my, you know, previous relationship I had before this thing of leaving your family of origin behind and making the other person, your family was a big lesson for me because you didn't do it. I didn't do this as I said, I just didn't. You wanted to please your parents. It wasn't do it. I didn't do this. I said, I just didn't. You wanted to please your parents. I wasn't adult enough. That is the truth to know, you know what, you are my family now. You are the, I didn't do, I didn't do this. So I think for

me, you know, God is so beautiful in the way he teaches you the lessons and he puts you little tests to see if you learned the lesson. Yeah. So, I mean, this was a big test. It was a big test. So we had agreed. This is the whole thing. We had agreed, OK, I'm happy to do the church wedding. It's fine. And then we'll do another one later,

or whatever you want to do. I was like, whatever you want makes you happy. Let's do it. And then I said, OK, but my family is not coming out here for this church wedding, because they're all over. Because we could have the other one immediately. We had the other one immediately. We had the other one a week later

and we're like, we already have flights, trips planned for them, they're not gonna fly for this and then fly for that. They got lives and kids and it's like, they're not here in LA. And we needed witnesses for the church wedding. And I said, okay, we each need two, right? So we can have your parents

and then we can have Matt and Kendra. Your best friend. Yes. And that was the agreement. That was the agreement. It was like months before. Now fast forward to. Because all like, were you okay with us doing a church wedding where we just have a simple

ceremony two and two and we do it here. It was amazing. You were like, yes. And the priest said yes, we're just little people. Otherwise it's going to be an event. It was great. It'll take us 30 minutes. But Latino family and Latino behavior. They show up. They show up with their best

intentions in the world as a surprise. So you're the day before our wedding. Yeah, your family flies. And mommy's like surprise. And there was like, yeah, flowers and cakes and presents. By the way, it was so beautiful. The way they they mom is like surprise and there was like yeah flowers and cakes and presents by the way it was so beautiful the way they they set up our house with all these different things it's amazing but it was like that it was like at five o'clock at night I come back and I see like your whole family at our house like taking over and I'm like I'm like are they coming to the wedding tomorrow or like

what's happening? So I was just more like the stress was more of like I'm glad they're here but no one from my family is here. Exactly. And so I was feeling like oh shoot I feel really bad that your whole family is here to witness this and no one from my family is going to be here. Nobody from my family. And so I literally text my mom and call her I said mom any chance you want to come tomorrow I'll fly you out here in the morning. It was my first thought. She was like, it was like midnight. She was like, I'm exhausted. Like, thank you for inviting me. But no, it was never our intention to invite our families, because we invited them for the main kind of big ceremony. So I was like,

grappling with this all night. And then the wedding, the church was the wedding was like noon, right? It was like noon the next day or one or 3pm. I get up, I? It was like noon the next day or 1 or something. 3 PM. 3 PM. I get up, I like try to go to the gym and try not to clear my mind. And I'm also thinking, oh, I'm actually getting married today. I'm like, oh, this is like happening.

I'm like, this is real. We've been preparing and I'm ready for this. But I'm like, oh my gosh, it's like my whole life. Because this is what I've discussed with girlfriends who've also gotten married. For us women, it's like the preparation to get married. We cannot know, yeah, this is coming, this is happening. What I've heard is for you guys,

you don't get the reality check that you're getting married happens on the day you're getting married. You're like, oh, this is the day. Yeah. Boom, like that. And I was, it was like a lot of emotions happening, you know, it's like, okay, my, my family's not here. Hers is here. I was like my, all these things. I was like, my dad's not here anymore. He's not going to be able to witness this. All these things. I was like, oh man, what do I do? And I was like, ah, the bigger version of me should just be like, ah, just let it be. And just like, let their whole family come and I'll be okay. I was like, ah, the bigger version of me should just be like, ah, just let it be. And just like, let their whole family come and I'll be okay.

I was like, I know I'll be okay. But it's something was inside me. I was like, gosh, something just feels off for me. And I feel like I felt sad. I felt sad. You were sad. I love your family and I wanted them to be there. Yes, I know.

But I was also just so torn that I was like, I should have invited my family. Yes, you were sad. You were in your heart. This is a way to be. You were so sad because you literally communicated to me, you know, I feel, and I was feeling so sad. Like it was a, we had such a beautiful conversation because you said, listen, how would it feel for you,

which you didn't need to tell me because I was in your shoes already, but if everybody from my family is here, and I just mean the nuclear family, it's not like 20 people flew in, but everybody of my family is here and you had no one. And I already knew you were struggling with what happened because I was like when they showed up, I was like this is great now. So it was, I think it was beautiful the way we talked about it. Because I, for me, and you know, correct me if I'm wrong, but like, you express yourself with your emotions.

I was there present with you. And I said to you, you are my family. This is literally you are my family. This is literally, you are my family. The sacrament of matrimony only needs three people. You, me, obviously God, represented by the priest. That's it. Like we don't need the, like we don't need, like there's no, it's the opposite. It's us creating this covenant, this agreement.

This is what we want in our life. So we will do whatever makes your heart feel happy. But because you're such a generous man. I was like, I want your family to be there. Exactly. So you were conflicted. So I thought, how do I help us? We got married at 3 p.m. Yeah.. I come back from a hike. I'm trying to like...

But I saw you. I saw your eyes and I came into the room. I'm like sweaty, short t-shirt. I'm laying on the bed at 2pm. I'm like, what do we do? And you were literally like, we don't have to get married today. We can just do it next week. Yeah, I literally said, because I was so chill in that. I was like. I was like the crazy bride. You were like,

whatever you want, whatever you need. I was just like, I don't know what to do. I know, I know. It was crazy. But that's because you care so much. I was like, yeah,

I was a wreck emotionally inside. Cause I was like, if I say no to your family, I'm a jerk for the rest of my life. No and you were not. But then I'm going to feel sad that my family's not here to witness this. And for me it was and this is part of this the preparation that we did also but it's also part of my heart if you are suffering or struggling with something I am suffering and struggling without something. It's not a you problem versus you know know, whatever, suck it up. My family's here. But no, it's our situation to resolve together.

So then I was like, I understand what's happening for him. I understand how he feels. I feel that way. I know he doesn't want to feel like he's being, you know, that word you said with the family. I don't know that you're being mean to them. Exactly. And at the same time, all the conflictive emotions. that word you said with the family, I don't know, that you're being mean to them, exactly. And at the same time, all the conflictive emotions.

So I said, love, you know, we have several options. We can get married in Mexico the same way, and you're like, I don't know that priest, that's not the priest that prepared us. I was like, that's true, that's true. It was like a different priest we can find. Exactly. And I was like, okay, listen,

I think the best option is this. You and I had an agreement together. But you let me know how this sounds for you. I said, we had an agreement that we made together. We stick to the agreement. My family is very cool. Meaning the extended family. I know for a fact that they're going to be happy if they just wait at home to celebrate because the marriage is not happening between my family, you and me, and your family. The marriage is happening between the two of us who are creating a family right now.

So I am your wife, although I haven't signed the thing. I'm your wife. So I got your back. Don't worry about it. Take a shower. I'll talk to my family. It's all gonna be okay. Yeah, this was 2 p.m. and we were getting married at 3. And I was like, are you sure?

I was like, yes. Are you sure they're not gonna be offended? Because that was the thing inside of your heart. I just felt like, you know, they flew in for this. It was a whole thing. And they were like, surprising us. I was like, it's so nice of them to do this. But we had talked for months that like, we're just keeping it this. Otherwise, I would have told my parents, my mom and my family to fly in as well and try to figure out something. So it just was trying to make it like work for both of us. And this is a great moment where you stepped up and said, I want to take care of my family and communicate to them. We're gonna do it how we originally did it. They came at the very end so they were

able to come take photos with us. We still celebrated with that. We celebrated. They were outside. Mom and Dad were there which was the original. And this was probably the most sacred moment of my life because there was no one in the church except for the priest, your parents, Matt and Kendra and their two like innocent kids on the altar with the priest just having this intimate conversation. If we have photos, we'll put them up on the video to show some of these. And it was like you could hear God. It was so quiet. We felt it, right?

It was like you could hear and feel this like presence that was so raw and vulnerable and powerful. And it's just like, wow. And if there were people, the priest said in what 30 years of doing these, of weddings, thousands of weddings, he's like, I've never experienced a wedding like this. And so he invited the four people that we had to come up and be all together in a circle. And just, it was like this, It was just like a little spiritual hug, circle out on that. It was crazy.

And it was so powerful. And I was like, gosh, this is exactly the way it needed to be. If there was more people, it would have been more like performative. It'd been like, okay, we'll look back at our family and our friends. It'd have been more of like a performance.

It's not bad. It's just, this was like the center of what was happening. It was so, it was building a foundation of us. And then a week later we did the, you know, the whole celebration with friends and family. And it was like mariachi and bands and freaking donkeys. And it was like the whole thing in Mexico, which was like this.

The birds, the monkey, the thing. It was incredible. Dancers, it was like the food. in Mexico, which was like the monkey that it was. And dancers, it was like the food. It was like a Mexican fiesta. It was incredible. But I think it wouldn't have been as fun had we not done the church wedding a week before. Yeah, because I felt relaxed, you know, during during the celebration with friends and family. I was like, we're having fun.

Maybe it's a little bit of like right before getting married. It was like a little nervous. But it was like I was playing pickleball in the morning. You were. I was like was like, we're having fun. Maybe it was a little bit of like right before getting married. It was like a little nervous, but it was like I was playing pickleball in the morning. You were. I was like, yeah, we're having fun. You stayed in the suite as I was getting ready. I was in the pool. And all the team were like, is he ever going to leave? Because we can't pull out the dress. And I think it's so funny. But it was very, it was like a celebration. It was fun. It didn't feel stressful at all. No. And I think in a way, it was so beautiful that that happened. Yeah. Because again, I feel like it was it was both a gift and a test wrapped together. It was like a test for both of us because I like to, I want to please people. I want people to feel

good. It's like, I don't want people to be like angry at me. And especially on our wedding day, it's like if they flew in for this and I'm the jerk, it says, no, you can't come. I didn't want that. But you were like, you know what? You're right, we should make this about us. It is about us.

And stick to our agreements. And I was like, well, I need to be more flexible. And it's not really that big a deal. But if we don't speak up and use our voice when we've created agreements in a relationship then we're going to have little resentments you know that carry with us for a long time. And so many so many couples whether they're married or not yet but like so many couples struggle with that part of like, in what moment I set a loving boundary with my family to say, listen, this is the person I'm choosing as right now, becoming my family. So many wedding stories that people can tell us in the comments, you know,

like, oh, in this, you know, I experienced this happen in the wedding. Or fights and drama in the wedding. It's like, wait, you are creating a family together. Yes. You know? Yeah, and so literally, I remember I looked at my watch at 2.30, I got in the shower and we got married at three. Isn't that crazy?

And I was like, I didn't know what I was gonna wear. I was like, ha! I was like, you were kind kind of already like your hair was already done, your makeup was already done, like I think you just had to put a dress on. And also we left together you saw me in the dress. We did everything different by the way. Since the beginning of dating we've done everything different. It was it was kind of like I don't know how I got ready this fast. I showered in five minutes. I was like do I even have a suit? Do I have to iron it? I was like I I just put on a suit and a tie. And then I was like frantically like, we got to go running to the church. And then we pull up like five minutes. I don't know how we

got there on time. And we pull up. And even then you said, could you text your family and tell them to come? I said, tell them to come and like be outside or come here. I said, come towards the end. Right before towards the end. I said, like, come to the end so they can see us walking out. Because I was like, I'll just have them come. You know, just have them come. Like, let's make it a win-win.

And they ended up coming. They ended up coming and like we got to do photos afterwards together and celebrate. We were dancing in the, in our living room. But it was like, I was stressed right before we like walked down the aisle together and we walked down the we walked down the aisle together together to the thing and again there was no one in there. There was no one. It was just like. Which also in a way although it was not traditional it was meaningful because it also happened so quickly. We hadn't even thought about how we're gonna walk. So we walk hand in hand together as two adults.

Yes. Tours like in the aisle. Your parents were there. And Matt and Kendra there and the priest in the middle. The priest and the cross in the middle. And we were walking on our own choice. I mean, I was like, together, I was like bawling. Yeah, making this beautiful.

It was beautiful. Yeah. Well, that was a beautiful. So it was a beautiful thing that we did that. And the whole family of origin beautiful. Yeah. Yeah. That was a beautiful. So, it's a beautiful thing that we did that and the whole family of origin part. Yes. If we hadn't have gone through that whatever six months before or whatever it was and talked about these things. Maybe we wouldn't have been able to come together in that moment. And then you know what happens later? You were sent to for life. For life, you hold on to

stuff. And you hold on or you hold on to it until you forgive it but then you're like, I wish I would have stood up for what I wanted to do, or I wish I didn't do this, or I wish my parents hadn't come. Whatever it is, it just gets messy. And I think because we have this foundation of understanding our origin story

and how we wanna create our family, I'm like, have your family come over every day. I'm like, have them come every weekend, have them stay the night. Like I love being around them. Yes. It's not like I'm like, get away from me. They love you very much. I'm like, this is awesome.

You know, obviously we have boundaries, but it's like, because I know you've got our back in a relationship, I'm like, yeah, come over as much as you want, because I don't feel like they're intruding in our marriage. They're adding, they're enriching our marriage, they're supportive, they're having fun with us, we're having experiences. But it's like, if they want a trip, we don't have to go with them every time.

It's like, we choose what we want to do, and vice versa. If my family is like inviting to something, you don't have to do something because whatever. So this whole family of origin thing was powerful, and it almost makes me want to be around your family more. But also know like, oh, if I'm somewhere like we can leave it sometime with your family. And it's like, I don't feel bad. You know, my family of origin is very accepting with you too. Like I remember the first few times you were hanging out with them, you were like in the middle of everything

because we talk forever as Latinos. You were like, I'm getting sleepy. Can I go take a nap? It was late. It was like we're there all day for something. And I was like, I was exhausted. Yeah. I go, I don't know if I'm like had two cups of coffee.

I was like, I think I need to like go in the car. And I say, yeah, go ahead. No, I said, no, go upstairs to the room and take a nap. You sure? You sure your parents are not going to be offended that I'm leaving to take a nap in the middle? I was like, why? Just be.

Well, because in previous relationships, it was like, unless you're present for the whole weekend activities, it's like you're a bad partner. But this is when you introduce the must thing in the relationship. You must do this thing. You should do these things.

Like the rules in a relationship constrict the relationship. You know, literally. And so we, you and I have... Yeah, rules, we don't have rules, we have agreements. Agreements. And these agreements create freedom because it allows us to essentially say this is what we have agreed on. So if I'm not doing something we agreed on, or you're not doing something for whatever reason. Remember our agreements. And is there a reason why you don't want, are we creating a new agreement now?

Because you don't wanna do that anymore? If so, we both have to agree. It can't just be, this is the way it needs to be, and you have to accept it. It needs to be, we both need to agree. Otherwise, why are we in a relationship if we can't agree on things? Or if we can't agree to be okay

with how we do things differently. It's like, I don't know, maybe you don't like something I do, but you're like, okay, I'm okay that you're going to do that. I don't like it, but I'm agreeing that that's who you are. I don't know. I don't even know what I'm thinking. I don't know. I was thinking what?

I was thinking. But it's just making sure that we're in alignment with agreements. And the next thing is couple communication. Yes. That's a big one. Which is, which I can't remember everything they talked about with this, but I think a lot of it was around like, creating agreements and making sure when there's a disagreement, especially that part when there's a disagreement, and when there's a disagreement, it means you haven't agreed on something

yet. There shouldn't be disagreements. Like we don't really disagree unless it's a new thing we haven't talked about. That I'm like, I don't see it that way. And you're like, well, I actually see it this way. Then we have a disagreement, right? We aren't in agreement yet. And this whole couple communication thing is, you talk about this a lot.

It's having curiosity. It's like, let me speak with curiosity and say, huh, why do you think this way? Why do you think this? See this rather than thinking like a victim or that your partner is doing something? Malevolence behind your back or in front of you or just that they have a belief that's wrong or bad or something exactly It's like it's it's it's always Try your best to give your partner the benefit of the doubt I was talking to a girlfriend about this recently and I was saying, haven't you noticed that

when you have a best friend, a best guy friend or a best girlfriend, if they do something, you usually don't think badly. You think, oh, he was tired. Oh, he forgot to call me. Oh, she, whatever, all these things. Why is it that we don't do the exact same thing for our partners? That's true.

Think about it. Like, I'm sure, you know, I don't know, like our friends can do things. And well, for us, you know, cause we set our foundation differently, but it usually happens that way. That you, did you get offended because this person did this thing.

She's the person you're dating, whereas you would never get offended if it was your best friend doing it. That's true. Why do you think that is? I don't know, Matt always says this to me, he's like, I don't know why I just never get upset when you do certain things,

but other people would make me upset or something, you know, it's like, if they did certain things. And I- Do you know what I think it is? Tell me. I think because the stakes are higher. With love, with love, intimacy, with like the relationship you have about yourself that is projected on the other person. So meaning your best friend can forget it was your birthday that

morning. Right. And tell you later, dude, I forgot. Yeah., ba-ba, and you're gonna be totally cool. Ah, no problem, whatever. But if your partner forgets that it was your birthday or anniversary that morning. See, you didn't remind me it was our three month anniversary, I'm the one that told you, no, I'm just kidding. What does that say about me and about how much this person actually loves me? Right. And it makes you doubt about your worth, your worth, literally your worth.

So then it makes you realize, wait, the stakes are higher because I am putting my self-worth in the hands of my partner. You don't do that with your best friends or friends. You don't put your self-worth in those unless, you know, whatever, I don't do that with your best friends or friends. You don't put yourself worth in those unless you know, whatever, I don't know, really codependent friendship relationships, but you really don't. So I think, I think that's one of the reasons. So if we can bring a little bit of that mindset of a friendship into the relationship and say, in that case, he forgot because this is part of his personality. He forgets dates and this is who he is and that has nothing to do with me or what it

means to our relationship. If he's going to call me, you know what? This is another thing. If it's so important for you to celebrate that anniversary and your husband forgot about it, there's nothing wrong with you reminding your husband, hey, tomorrow's our anniversary, she's going to Virginia. Yeah. But you want maybe him to do something special, remind him a week before.

I think it was- There's nothing wrong with it. I think you do this really well because I also grew up not really celebrating a lot of things. Yeah. Like, I didn't throw parties for my birthday. It wasn't like, it's just not how I was raised or trained to like, let's celebrate every moment in our life.

Every anniversary, every week. And as Mexicans, we go ta-ka-ra-ka-ta-ka-ta, as Mexicans. Everything's a celebration. Everything's a celebration, yes. So it's also learning to accept, and I think you do this well, you say, listen, you had a big guest on this week.

You completed your book, whatever it is. Let's go celebrate and go out to dinner this weekend. So you say it like a week in advance, and you say, I want us to celebrate and have a celebration. And I even say to you sometimes, let's choose a date, what day works. Yes. Let's do that.

And you say what you want. I wanna be doing that. I wanna be thinking like, I'm just like, all right, I completed this thing, or I launched my book, like, let's relax and hang out, and then on to be doing that. I want to be thinking like, I'm just like, all right, I completed this thing, or I launched my book, like, let's relax and hang out and then on to the next thing. And so if you want something, you have to communicate it. And you have to understand

what is your couple communication. And we do things differently from our past. And if we're joining a family and creating a family, we're going to create communication on what we both want moving forward. And it also means I may not wanna celebrate every person's birthday, which is five a week. And we're not going to every event

and we're not doing a celebration all the time. But it also means when you want to celebrate something, you communicate it to me and I plan to celebrate those moments and I'm like, okay, this is not something I normally do, but she wants to do this this weekend, let's plan it, cool, I'm in because we're creating a family together. So it's not like a compromise, it's more about communication of what we want and making sure we're both in alignment. And the next thing is conflict resolution.

When we're not in alignment on something, it's really learning how to resolve friction, resolve disagreements, resolve moments of stress or overwhelm or like, hey, we're not seeing an eye. And I think a lot of it starts with conflict resolution is identifying the issue, you know, also identifying the issue first. What is the issue? Is the issue that you don't love me right now? No, the issue is you're struggling with something that's happening and you want to feel safe,

you know, or whatever it might be. And it's talking about how can we come to a resolution around this thing? How can we create peace around it so you feel good and I feel good? Because if you don't feel good around something, the relationship isn't good and vice versa. So it needs to be, but I can't, you know, be a martyr and then only make you feel good and then I never feel good. Right? I need to be, we need to both be in agreement that, okay, this works for me. Maybe I don't love this thing, but it works for me and I'm at peace with it. And we've come to an agreement. And that is learning how to have conscious conflict resolution. Not where you're saying that's stupid or you're wrong or screaming. It's saying, all right, let's work through this

problem. Why do you feel this way? Why do I feel this way? What doesn't work for you? What doesn't work for me? What does work for you? What does work for me? Okay, is there a way we can come together on this? And I think always reminding ourselves, you know, when when there's a moment of confusion, how can we stay connected and like continue like holding hands? How can we listen? You know, something I like to do is read your mind and speak for you. You know, you start a sentence and I'm like, I already know what you're gonna say this, This, this and this, this. Let's just get to the point. It's very entertaining to me sometimes because I'm mid sentence and then you complete what you think I'm going to say. And you respond to the thing you saw.

Most of the time I'm right though. I would say like 80% of the time. Yeah, most of the time I'm right. But because you're very smart. I'm also a personality that's like, I want to get to the resolution now. I don't want to hear stories and Go through every little thing of this thing. I'm like, I understand what you're feeling. Let's get to it I understand how do we process our feelings?

Talking about how many stories over and I'm telling which is okay But it's again understanding and accepting through conflict resolution of like, alright I get to learn to be more patient and listen more as opposed to guessing what you're going to say. You bring the stories down a little bit because you're a storyteller. So it's like, you just shorten them a little bit so that I can have more patience. Exactly. Yeah. No, and there's also something really, I think it's important that we apply that is really

good. Again, the first step for conflict resolution is try your best not to take it personal. Whatever is going on that the other person did that you felt offended or that you felt whichever emotion that you're feeling rejected or not seen or any of these things is like most likely has nothing to do about you. Right. Right. And so when any of us brings up something to the table, it's more in the way of like, okay, first I'm gonna tell you all the things that I appreciate about you. This is what I said. We were in Hawaii a couple years ago. Yeah. And we had like, maybe it's like our first

argument or something that we had. Yeah. And it was like an hour of struggle and I was like, why aren't we getting to a resolution quickly? Like it should be you know, and it's like maybe our first one in like couple years or something This man want to fix things quickly. That's exactly and else we want to discuss what and this is what I this is what I said Early on I said listen You we can have as many uncomfortable conversations as you want. Like if something is bothering you I always want you to bring it to me. If something is on your heart or your mind, even if it's irrational,

bring it to me and let's talk about it. And I said, what works for me is not just coming to me after we're in Hawaii and we're in this beautiful place and I've taken you out to dinner and we took a walk on the beach and I don't know, bought you some, a bikini or whatever it is. And it's like, I've invested you out to dinner and we took a walk on the beach and I don't know, bought you some bikini or whatever it is. And it's like, I've invested in this beautiful trip for us to have this amazing

vacation. And then out of the blue, there's something on your heart or your mind. I can't remember. It was so easy. I can't remember. But here's the thing. It was about candles. Okay. I don't even remember what it was. It was the silliest thing. It doesn't even usually matter what it is, but it's more about like,

but for whatever reason, it was like you were on this thing for like, I don't know, maybe it was an hour. It wasn't like you were blowing up, but I just felt underappreciated. And all I was thinking about, she's talking about candles or whatever it was you were talking about. It's so easy.

I think it's really good to dissect it a little bit. You're talking about something that I didn't do that you wanted, right? It's like, you wanted me to have candles out or I don't know. You felt, because this is the way you expressed later when we talked about it, that I was bringing up something because you were not doing enough of that something. And I just wanted to have a romantic night with candles.

Right. And at that moment you said, candles feel like the movies to me. That's true. They feel like you're faking something.'s true. They feel like I don't like you're faking something like what's up with the candles right? Yeah. And it feels inorganic. It feels inorganic. It feels inauthentic. It feels like it feels so romantic to me. It feels like I want to throw up in my mouth. Yes. But the thing is, I'm like we're in Hawaii walking on the beach to the

sunset. This is, I am romance. You know, it was like, let's. Precisely because we were in Hawaii and on the beach. You wanted more. I wanted the candles. It was just about the candles. And I'm like, we have flowers in the room. We had, I already had all this stuff. The point is, a conflict is not really about the candles. It's not really about picking up the mail.

No. Or cleaning the kitchen. It's what's underneath. That's what's happening. Of course. So what was underneath to me, I wanted to create a moment of intimacy, right? I wanted to share with each other a special intimate moment, like trying something a little bit different, you know? Just with the candles, yes. And for you, and at that moment, it was my lack of communication. The way you received it is, oh my God, she's not seeing all of the things that I do right

now. Yeah. I pay for the strip. There's beautiful sunsets. There's like flowers and chocolate and this and that. There's all these things that we're experiencing in the most beautiful place in the world. And she's over here talking about sandals. And she's talking about sandals. Like, what is this?

Exactly. I'm like. But underneath, you felt unappreciated. Right. That's what was happening underneath. And what I told you is, I said, all I need, I said, you can tell me everything you want or anything you don't like about something

or you want more of, all these things. But for me, what going to work for me yeah is if all you have to do is talk about what you're grateful for first or what you appreciate about what i've already been doing yes and if you can come to me and say gosh i really appreciate you don't have to like do a long list of everything but just like i really appreciate how you take care of me and that you you brought us here it can be as simple as that no not you don't have to say i'm grateful for how you did this today and this you don't have to say I'm grateful for how you did this today and this. You don't have to give me a list of everything even though it's a lot of

things. What I have to say is like I just really appreciate how you did this. I laugh because sometimes it's really, you do so many things. I start saying a lot of things. So all you have to do is say a few things of like man I really appreciate these things that you do and I appreciate how you take care of us and I appreciate that we've went on this beautiful dinner last night and we went on a walk on the beach today and you're really taking time to like make this trip special. And I'd like to try this thing. That's it. Then add and I'd love to try this thing or you think you think we can get some flowers tonight or we can get some candles too I think it'd be really fun. Yes for me in the process Sorry to interrupt. Yes, as I was trying to explain yourself where I was coming from

The longer the conversation the faster you wanted to fix it and the faster you wanted to fix it The the faster I felt like I needed to express where I really was coming from Which was not of making you wrong, which was not of being unappreciative, which was more of like, I just thought it'd be really cool to do this. That's where I was coming from. But because you were at that moment, because this happens in conflict,

you were so focused on trying to fix it very quickly, I felt unseen, and you were feeling unappreciated. And that was what's happening underneath in reality. So it was, I'm so glad that happened because then after it happened, we both had this conversation and saying, you know, love, I understand now where you're coming from, but for me, it just, it just sinks in differently and kindly. If you tell me in this specific way. And I was like, okay, and then when I tell you

in that specific way, which I understand because like, otherwise it sounds to you like, I'm not appreciating everything that you do already. I also would like to try these things and would like to express to you why, right? And conflict resolution is a powerful thing because you can learn how to be in better relationship with your partner. Yes. And even though it takes these moments of stress or overwhelm or conflict in order for you to then have

the conversation and say, hey when this happens again here's what I would love for us to try. And that's why I say to you, you can have as many uncomfortable conversations you want with me. You can bring stuff up you don't like, you can say, you disagree, whatever it is and we can have that many uncomfortable conversations you want with me. You can bring stuff up you don't like you can say you disagree Whatever it is and we can have that conversation. I guess there's only like two two Agreements that I like to have one is don't have it when I put my head on the bed Yes, so once I'm in bed my head shuts off and I can't have these uncomfortable conversations. It's really challenging

I unless there's like a crisis, then okay, let's wake back up and let me be here for you. Like if you're having... By the way, I want to say that is such a beautiful adaptation we did together of that. Because we have that agreement that we've made together. You know what? After 11 p.m. and it's true, like one has to choose whenever to say something. so if your husband is just about to leave out the door Yes in ten minutes to go to work and you bring up a star Something and then you're upset because he had to leave. Oh my god. He left me because no Why do you don't care about this? This is important. Are you leaving to work? You're not yeah exactly choose You're going with your friends right now. You don't want to listen to me. It's like but I have the tickets already for the game

What do you mean? Why do you make this up right now? So it's learning how to bring up conflicts at the right times. And it doesn't mean you have to abandon yourself and wait weeks and months. It's just figure out, OK, when can we? And also saying, hey, there's something on my mind I want to talk about today that's bothering me. When is a good time for you?

Exactly. When you make a date about it. It doesn't need to be when you want it to be. Your partner has to agree to receive the conversation also. So something's real in your heart and mind. And if they say, oh, actually, I want to resolve this now. So I'm going to cancel my thing because it doesn't work for me to like wait five hours. Then that's on you now saying I'm going to cancel this thing and give you what you need. Or when I get back from this event to this game, then we can talk about it. Or tomorrow morning is better.

It's like finding a time within like 24, 48 hours, I think is, is good. So the person isn't waiting to share this thing. And you're saying, I value your struggle enough to say, when do we want to talk about it? For us, we don't have many of these conversations, but I'm also just like, it's... And I said to you, because there was a couple of times we had conversations late at night where I was just like, I'm exhausted.

And you're like, you're not being present. You're falling asleep. And I'm like, it's midnight. What do you want me to do? And so the next day I'm like, we need to make a new agreement. This isn't working. Let's agree.

Can we agree? No tough conversations after 10 p.m. And now it's like when my head hits the bed, can we not have a conversation that's tough? Like that's the time where we can talk about what we're grateful for and wind down. And it works for us. And it works for us.

And that's the thing. I wanna say something that I think is very important. All the things that we are sharing right now are things that work for us. Yes. Because I think all the agreements a relationship has and any relationship has to be tailored for them. Yes. Every person.

That's why I love about our relationship. It's tailored for us. Maybe certain agreements that we have for a woman that has a more sensitive nervous system, maybe they wouldn't work, you know? Maybe they need different agreements that can work for them. But you got to, then the man has to be okay with the agreement they're making.

Don't be upset at the agreement. Like, don't make the agreement if you're not in alignment with it. Right. And then the other thing is that these agreements are also negotiable, which is why I was grateful that you say, except there's a crisis, because we had a situation that there was a crisis.

Yeah, then I woke up in the middle of the night and you were like, no, we have this agreement at that moment. And I was like, but my grandpa just died. And if there's a safe word, if there's something like, this is a crisis, I need you to wake up, then you know, you're not crying wolf. Like once a week, there's like, it's like, no, this is actually something happening. And I'm like, okay, I'm awake.

And it's like adrenaline mode. What do you need? I'm here. I have a question for you. What would you say, let's say there's a man and his wife or partner, fiance, has breakdowns almost every single day. And they want the man to be available every single moment. Like, like, what would you be careful who you marry?

OK, we choose wisely who you marry or accept this who they are. I mean, it's like if you've been with someone for a year, two, three, four years, and you get married to them, you cannot expect them to change overnight into someone you want them to be. You have to accept who you're marrying, meaning have these conversations beforehand, understand who they are. Hopefully you get to know 90 to 95% of the person's personality within a two to three year window. There's probably stuff I'll never fully know about you.

There's always going to be things I'm going to learn about you. But 95% of you I understand because I've witnessed so much of your time and experiences together. Yeah. And before getting engaged, before getting married, I said, OK, I'm choosing to accept this about you. It doesn't mean I love everything about you,

like little nuances that maybe like annoy me or something, but it doesn't bother me necessarily because I've chosen to accept it and this is who you are. And I could also say, I'm sure there's things that I do that you're like, okay, that maybe it kind of annoys you, but you've chosen to accept me so it doesn't bother you. It's not like, stop doing that, I don't like that.

Well, this is the person you married and this is the person you chose to accept. If you didn't like who I was, you shouldn't have gotten married to me. Now, also on top of that, we know that we're in a growth mindset relationship. So we're both in agreement that we're going to strive to continue to improve individually and together. And it doesn't mean every day we're not going to be perfect ever, but every day we're going to be willing to, you know, I'm going to take a look at that and reflect on it. And if something's horribly bothering you, I don't want that. So what can I do to try to create a new agreement in this space without feeling like I have

to change who I am to please you. And I think that process of just a willingness that we are willing to grow, look at things, reflect, because nothing's going to be perfect, but we have accepted who we are. And that acceptance is the foundation. And because of that, we can have these conflict resolution conversations when we are struggling with something, we can have these conflict resolution conversations when we are struggling with something, we can say, what's an agreement we can make around this? And we're going to continue to make agreements for the future. You know, there's going to be new things that we're going to have to agree on that come

up in our life. It's not like, oh, we have these five agreements and we're good. No. It's going to evolve. It's going evolve. And some agreements may shift and change. It's going to keep evolving. And I think that has been the thing because we accept each other. And I said this early on. I go, you can be upset at me.

You can have these challenging conversations. You can say whatever you want, but you have to accept accept me you have to accept who I am because I'm not changing to please you I need to make sure that I'm happy with me and you are happy with me and if you're not happy with me or if I'm not happy with you then that's a me thing or a you thing you know it's not you don't need to change I need to change the way I look at you and perceive you and learn to continue to accept you because you're going to evolve and shift and change and adapt in life. And so am I.

I love what you're saying because it really, you know, adding to that and, but it's part of the same subject is when, when, um, you are trying, when you're struggling with something about the person you're with over and over and over again, it's because underneath that, you wish they would change that. Yes. That's what it is.

And when you learn to accept the entire person, not just falling in love with these parts of the person, the entire person, you just, you know, not just falling in love with the, these parts of the person, the entire person, you know, okay, she is fantastic in all these different ways. However, she has a very thin nervous system and everything makes her break down. That's the person you're with. And either accept her or don't be with her. Exactly. Because then the frustration that comes sometimes is not even about the person. It's about you wanting to change the person. And that creates a frustration because things are not the way you want them to be. Yeah.

And then you're going to suffer. You're going to suffer. And so, and listen, we've both done this in the past and previous relationships where we didn't, we weren't accepted. We didn't accept the people we wanted people to change. They wanted us to change. And it's just stressful. It just doesn't feel good. And so it doesn't mean that throughout the relationship, there's ways in you can grow together. Yes. You know, but, but it's, it's walking next to each other to create that space as well. Like if there is a woman or a man with a very,

you know, a nervous system that is breaking down and needs a lot of reassurance all the time and everything, you know, it's, again, talk about the issue together. How can I support you with this issue? You know, I've noticed this about you. Is there any way I can bring support in our life to create a better, like a better life experience for the both of us. Because I see you struggle, so then it becomes also my struggle.

How do we do this together? A big thing that people fight about and one of the main causes of breakups and divorces is around money conversations, money problems, money issues. And so one of the next things in the process that we took for the pre-marital counseling was around finances and creating just a sample budget sheet. And I think this is more than just like a one-time conversation. This is something that we talked about over and over again. And-

You can do a whole episode just in that. Oh yeah, we could, and we will. I mean Ramit Sethi has a great book that's like, I Will Teach You to Be Rich for Couples or something like that. I can't remember the name of it, but we've gone through that. Again, Eight Dates talks about like money stuff. We had like a whole date in this Eight Dates book by the Gottmans, which was around money. And like it asks us us I think like 50 questions that we both answer to each other about money yes to make sure we're in alignment your relationship with money you may have a different relationship with money than than I do everyone has a different

relationship with money and so you you might have similarities within your partner but you're going to have differences also and again it's learning to accept the person. And, and one of the things we talked about in here was like the debts you have, the debts I had, we didn't have any debts, but it's like, it's something you talk about is like, is there debt, how you get a handle of this? How does that make you feel if the partner has that? Whose responsibility is that? Um, are you merging finances?

Who's paying for what? Like these things that you just don't think about that maybe you assume and maybe you think, oh, the man's gonna pay for these things and I'm not gonna pay for anything when I'm married. Or maybe you say, we're gonna split it 50-50, or I've been a big entrepreneur, I'm gonna take on the responsibility.

And then two years later you're married and then one of the two is resentful. You never discuss these things. Never discuss it. Or you find out, you're married, and then one of the two is resentful. You never discuss these things. Never discuss it. Or you find out, oh, wait, what? You had all this debt, and you never told me? Like, all of this, I think it's information that is important at a, when you're dating,

I think there's a moment. I mean, we talked about this when we were dating, before engaged. And I think that's, for me, I was wanting to go through a lot of this stuff when we were dating, because I was like, why get engaged and then break it off? Like, oh, telling your friends and family in the world, oh, we got engaged. And then, uh, it didn't work out six months later because we didn't have these conversations. Yes. You don't have

to have them before getting engaged. Yes. We did eight dates before eight dates, which went into money. And I was making sure, are we in alignment? Now it doesn't mean we went through who's accounts are where, and where are we merging money? It wasn't that, but it was like, are we in alignment on money? You know, there's like 50 questions through the date that we went through on like money.

And each person has to answer the question. And then if we have a different answer, it was like, OK, why do you really feel about this? How do I feel about this? Are you OK if we did it this way? And we got to an alignment on a lot of these things. And it was like, OK, yeah, I'm OK with this, and you're OK with this.

OK, cool. But if we have a big disagreement around money before getting engaged and we don't resolve that, it's just going to create more stress and chaos and pain for people in engagement, in marriage, because they think they love each other, but I think marriage, again, we're three months in, so we're not experts in this, but I think it is about creating peace and creating harmony within alignment on values, vision, and lifestyle, rather than do I love

this person and does this person love me, because that's going to be enough. I just don't think that's enough for people. No, it's not enough. And, you know, I've been working on this book the last few years, Make Money Easy, which was all about healing your relationship with money. And I think when each individual goes through that process of healing their relationship with money, you have more peace and harmony coming together as well because you don't have fears, anxieties, limitations blocking you from feeling free with money. Also you know

what else? It's good to read that book together. Huge. You know, your book. Like, ask couples. Read it together because a bunch of the questions and examples that you come up in the book, you can share with each other. So it helps to share what the experience of money is being for each other. And then it helps you to understand your partner. Because what's underneath any fight of money for a lot of people is trust, for example. Appreciation, there's another one.

Oh, I buy her all these different things. But she does. All she does is complain. Complain and all this, and she just doesn't care. So she's not valuing my effort. Not valuing my job, not valuing what I bring to the table for the both of us. So it's feeling unappreciated underneath.

Or he's not sharing any of his finances. Why? You know, it's weird. What's going on? Oh, well, it's a matter of trust. Or he's cheap or he's whatever it is. Yeah, yeah. It's a matter of trust.

So there's deeper things underneath what the conflict about money is. Yeah, and if you guys want us to do a whole episode on money and relationships, let us know in the comments below. Also, because in that whole episode, we can talk about the prenup. Oh yeah, everything. We can talk about, oh my god, it's such a process. The whole process. If you want more of that or you have problems with that, let us know in the

comments below. So that was just part of it. Again, this could be a whole weeks for people to go through from that. Then we went over married intimacy. Oh my God, that was so beautiful and so important. I can't remember that part, but what was the main part of it? So the main thing about intimacy in married couples, which is beautiful, is that one of the things is that we think marriage is a finish line. Oh, we got there great. Now she's my wife, forget about the lover.

You know, when it's like, you know what, before we got there, I was getting ready for you to go out on a date. You were getting ready for me to go out on a date. We would go on a date together. We'd make it fun, joyful, special. Yeah, and it's also, I was taking care of my health before, you were taking care of your health before, and you can't just let go of yourself

because you're married now. It's like taking care of your health, taking care of your mind, getting ready for each other to go out and experience life and go on dates, like all those things. Yeah. The way they talk about it in the workshop also is that, because a lot of people think, oh, if you're in a Christian workshop or in a Catholic workshop, it's like, you never talk about sex.

We should never talk about it. No, they talk about it because they tell you your husband and your wife is there to enjoy each other. That is literally another avenue of God's love for you that is there for you. So there's the way to build intimacy has everything to do with everything we discussed before. You know, you're not going to feel like you want to be intimate with me if I'm complaining about you all day long. if I'm complaining about the life we have all day long. If you feel unappreciated, you're going to be like, you know, I don't even know if I want this. Or maybe you just want that and then you'll be like, oh, because

I don't want, you know, it's all encompassing everything and it's an opportunity and a gift that God gives us to enjoy each other's love in a physical way and it is as important as the other ones also knowing that it will change and evolve in times and all these different things so it's like what happens if the woman doesn't want to have sex as much as the man what happens yeah well you probably have to ask her why. Like, what's happening with you? What's going on? It may not have anything to do with a man.

Most likely something's going on for her. And so you can, like, you can, with curiosity, you know, address the woman and say, hey, I love connecting with you this way. So it's not about sex per se, per se, it's about intimacy. I love connecting with you this way. I feel loved when we have, you know, when we're intimate with each other. And I'm starting to feel less disconnected, I'm starting to feel disconnected. And that's a beautiful way to connect with you.

It's interesting because I don't want to be like men are like this and women are like this. However, there are certain things that we are different. This is a reality. And for men, what I've heard from you is like looking for that connection. When you, when you are intimate with your partner, you feel more connected, right? And for us, in order for us to feel intimate with our partner, we need to feel

emotionally connected first. So it's almost like which one's the first, like chicken out of the egg. But in reality, it's a compliment of each other in that way. You feed the emotional connection and you feel the physical connection in one and another and they go in like this in a circle. But why would you think a woman wouldn't want to have intimacy with their partner?

Feels disconnected. You mean ask the woman? Probably, I don't know. She feels disconnected or she feels undervalued or underappreciated or something's off something's off for some reason she doesn't feel attracted to the man or it feels resentful or feel I mean a number of things you know there's an interesting thing that I've learned recently, you know how there is harmful machismo? You know what machismo, right? Am I saying it right?

Yeah. There's also harmful- It's your language. I know, but I'm saying it machismo, but I don't know if it means the same thing. It means the same thing here. Macho machismo. Macho machismo. There's harmful machismo.

And there's also harmful feminism. Like, I believe this. And when you, as a woman, you start thinking that your power over your man has to do with sex. And how much you give it to him or not. And when and only when you want to and all of that stuff you are creating the biggest prison ever and it's a version of control. Yeah. It's manipulation. It's manipulation. Absolutely. And yeah and so I think that part is important to, you know. So women shouldn't control sex with the man they're married to?

No. I don't think so. Shouldn't manipulate them or say, I'm not giving it to you or not now or the whatever. No, I don't think so. Why? What happens when that happens? Because you're falling into the trap of control

as in anything else in life. That's not love. That's not love. You are saying, I have this thing that you want so therefore I'm above you right now and you're here. You don't get it. Unless you do this and this and this and that I'll do this. Oh man. And that's gonna make the man resemble. Exhausting. It's gonna be exhausting and you are not realizing this, but you are making yourself a thing. How so?

How so? But you're saying, this is a thing. This is what you value and you're not gonna give me. Yes, this is what I'm gonna put my value into as a woman. It's gonna be my body. So then therefore that's the value. And so there you go. You're only gonna have it when I want to, how I want to.

Great. It's fantastic. You look great right now. What's going to happen when you're 60, 70? Are you really, you are going to be continuing to make the effort of put your value on the physical aspect of you. You're not building for the long term. Wow.

This is why I think it's like it's also you when you make a, a sacrament of matrimony, if you're getting married, I guess, maybe if you're not in a relationship, but if you're getting married and you're saying, I'm choosing to only be with you and to be sacred with you and someone says, no, you can't have it for a week or weeks or months or whatever. Like, what do you think is going to happen? Someone's going to be like... It's going to break the relationship.

It's a relationship. But it's like, if you're forcing someone... Now, if there's something medical or something else is happening, it's different. But I'm talking about if you're having power and control over the person and saying, no, you can't have this right now until you do this or this or whatever. Unless you've broken trust in some way, like, and the person really needs time to heal, that's different. But if it's just like, you're not listening to me, you're not going to get this, some petty thing. Sometimes it doesn't come that way. Sometimes it comes in like, I'm tired.

Yeah, exactly. The kids are so much this and this and that. But you're building a gap. You're building a gap. And it doesn't matter how disciplined the partner is you're with. You spend six months doing that, a year doing that. They start to be like, man, their mind's going to wander,

no matter how disciplined they are. It doesn't mean they're going to cheat. But you're not setting your relationship up for success. You're setting it up for more of an ability for someone else to get in or distractions or whatever it might be. And so you just got to be mindful of that. You've got to be really mindful, I think, otherwise, or just communicate, hey, I'm not really feeling right now and something's going on my body and I just need like a couple of weeks or whatever it is. That was just saying communicating it Yes, hey, I'm going through stuff right now, but there's other ways we can be intimate like I don't want us to lose the intimacy

And the thing is that it is true sometimes All of the things that I just mentioned. I'm tired the kids and all we don't have kids yet But I know exactly is you can be exhausted at certain times. 100%. It's not those things. But when the gap is too- When it's manipulation, though, it's more like power. When it's manipulation or when it's too much, that gap is actually too much. And then it becomes a little bit dangerous because also, I think, like I said, when you, like you said also, when you're creating this

covenant of marriage, you are committing yourself to that person. You are. You are. Otherwise, don't get married. Exactly. You're committing to do that person. But if that person is not fulfilling their vows, because being intimate with each other is part of fulfilling the vows.

When that person is not fulfilling their vows, I think it leads to a conversation with a therapist, with a priest, with somebody that can guide you to that. There's something deeper happening in there that we don't know what it is because we don't, you know. And that's why I go back to, you know, the beginning of like knowing that we both had a growth mindset or a reflective mindset.

It's like, hey, I'm willing to look at myself in the mirror if something's off, say, how can I improve or how can I take a look at this and see things differently and find that adjustment to make sure our relationship's working. And that made me feel safe knowing you were in the same position, that we were both in this position. So it's like when stuff comes up like that,

it's really having the conversation and learning how to manage the conflict with calm resolution and then create agreements around it. And it might be seasonal. So it's, yeah, intimacy, married intimacy is a big one. There's two final things that we went through with this process. And after we share these two final things, I'm going to share both of these big announcements,

these surprises. So stay tuned for that in a moment. But the next one was dreams, goals, and decision making. Yes. And it's talking about how to communicate, get clear, and be in alignment on each other's dreams, goals, and decision making. Because when you're getting married, there's two individuals with their own either careers,

goals, dreams, things they've overcome, Because when you're getting married, you know, there's two individuals with their own either careers goals dreams things they've overcome and and visions they have for the future and when two come together to create a unity a family It's I communicated early on about like this is my dreams. This is my goal. This is a season of life. I'm in right now And I don't know if this is gonna be 10 years, 20 years, two years, I don't know, but this is where I'm heading. And I wanna make sure you're cool with that. Meaning the lifestyle I have,

which sometimes I'm traveling a lot, sometimes I'm speaking on stage, sometimes there's a lot of people around, sometimes I'm interviewing people, sometimes I'm not, sometimes whatever. Sometimes you're writing, sometimes you're dream that you have right now. Exactly.

It's fantastic. Exactly. You know, it's like I've got a plan to go to the Olympics in the future and that's going to take me traveling a lot. It's like... It's going to take us traveling together, supporting that dream. Absolutely. Is that something in your alignment? And I also know that you make movies.

You usually make two or three movies a year. That's between eight to ten weeks at a time. You're gonna be traveling. It's like, am I cool with that? Am I cool with either not seeing you for a couple weeks at a time because I'm gonna need to be present here, traveling back and forth, vice versa. Is that a lifestyle that I'm cool with? Because if it's not and it's a big no-no, and I never wanna travel, and you're always traveling, then that lifestyle conflict, that dream and goal conflict

is going to create a conflictive relationship. And also the decision, the decision making, I think is important because another thing that I think is beautiful that we do and we started implementing is what your dreams are, they are also my dreams. What my dreams are, they're also your dreams. I mean, obviously we're two individuals and you have your dreams of playing handball and doing all these things and I have my own dreams.

But what happens is when we're sharing them with each other because we are together choosing each other as husband and wife. They're our dreams. They become our dreams. And then we discuss them. Like I remember this time, this was a long time ago, but I was gonna go for a project

that was gonna shoot in South Africa. And I was really close in the audition process. Yes. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just don't want to say the project because like, but I'll tell you afterward. And we remember South Africa.

OK. Yeah, at the time we didn't know it was going to shoot in South Africa. But potentially it was going to be either Australia or South some place far away. And I remember we had a conversation about it. It would have taken me nine months, between eight to nine months, to shoot that thing there. And I called my manager and I said, I know they're between me and another girl. I don't want to take it. Because we discussed

this, like does it work for our life and the way we are setting up our foundation? And to me, it was worth not doing it. It wasn't a big enough dream project. It wasn't like this is the project I've always wanted to do. But even if it was, that's the thing. When you make a decision, that's the decision we make together. So there's no point later and to turn around saying, remember that thing that I let go because of no, no, no, no.

We made the decision together and it was a good decision. I was at peace. You were at peace with it. Exactly. You weren't like, I really want to do this, but I have to sacrifice for this. You were like, it's okay if I don't. Because you also had lots of options. You have this other project and this other movie.

And the movies I produced myself that I can choose the schedule when I'm doing it. Maybe if it was eight weeks, it would have been different, but nine months, you're like, oh, that doesn't make sense. So it's coming up with the decision-making and again, agreements around that. And. And with your dreams, right? You came back from the Olympics and said, hey. I want to go to the Olympics.

I want to go to the Olympics. And you also knew for, that I always wanted to go. Yes. So it was like, you knew that like, I'm gonna do stuff like this. Yeah. Which is by the way, the beauty of sharing life together. Who am I to say, no, you can't, wait a second,

but we have, you know, this and this. Right. No, this is why we're choosing to be together from our freedom, From our freedom. So it's like you are excited about this dream, I'm excited about that dream. Is it gonna take us to Spain and going somewhere? Okay, we'll go.

That's what we're doing, that's what we are doing. So that part I think it's obviously where we have only been married for three months, but we've been using it for all the time and all the years we've been in our relationship. Exactly. And I think it's an important foundation. Absolutely. The last thing is about spirituality and kind of bringing it home. So they started with again a candle ceremony and kind of setting the stage for the weekend and then we went through all these different exercises, role-playing. They did breakout sessions with small groups

so we could say, oh, why do you think that way? Why do you think that way? And kind of get these different couples opinions as well, which I thought was interesting. We did a lot of games where it's like we sat back to back and it was like, raise your hand if you think this way and raise your hand if you think this way. And it was like.

Raise your hand if you know your significant other has debt. Raise your hand if you know your significant other has debt. Raise your hand if you know that it was interesting to see also other couples. Other people that didn't know their stuff yet. And so all these kind of exercises and games and role playing really allowed you to get to know your partner more, who you're engaged with about to get married to. That's why I think it's important to do stuff like this before engagement. Yes. Because if your chemicals of love are saying, this is the woman I want to be with, the man of my dreams, because we've had whatever fun vacations together and he makes me feel good

or she makes me feel great. And you don't do a lot of this stuff. You're just going to be heartbroken when you're married because you're gonna have such a high expectation that they can never meet and you're gonna feel frustration after frustration after resentment after resentment and one day you're gonna wake up looking at the person saying why do I fall in love with this person why do I love this person because you haven't chosen to understand everything about them or at least 80 90 percent and say do I accept all of them do I accept all of them and can I love all the parts of them not just the part of the fantasy world you know the romance or when they're happy can I

accept this person also when they're frustrated yeah exactly well they do these things when they're frustrated well this is who they are and you're accepted you accept that doesn't mean you have to love it or like it but can you accept it yeah so the spirituality part was kind of like bringing it all home. Go ahead. And the spirituality part also was about how to raise children. Was it? In spirituality, meaning like, because that's a big, you know, I have, I have

certain friends that are dating somebody from a completely different faith. Well, that's a conversation. Yeah. Yeah. You know, because if, if they're really hardcore, that faith a conversation. Yeah, yeah. You know, because if they're really hardcore that faith, which is good, then, but if there is completely different from yours, how are you gonna raise kids? 100%. Come to those agreements, like talk about it. If it's not as important for you, but still talk about how you're

gonna raise children. Right. That's exactly. And a lot of it is spirituality in the home, how's your relationship gonna be with spirituality, raising kids with spirituality, all those things. Yeah. Which brings me to the first surprise. Would you like to share? The first surprise? There's two, I don't know which one's the second one. Just say the first one. Okay. You want me to say it? I'll say the second one, you go ahead. Okay, so I'm pregnant. Ah, yay! We are having a family together, a bigger family together. Yes, so that's the big announcement.

We made you guys wait a couple hours to hear it, but you're pregnant, and maybe we'll talk more about it later in another episode but that's just something we want to share with people here and at this point we've already probably posted about it online but we've been you know quiet about it for for a few months so uh it's a big surprise i mean it's not a surprise we were planning this but it's a surprise to people emotional yeah it's beautiful it's beautiful so that beautiful. So that's the surprise that I was sharing before. I love you. That's the first one.

It's a good surprise. It's a great surprise. Yes, it's a good surprise we're sharing for them. It's not a surprise for us. Exactly. It's a good announcement. Yes. And I think all this that we went through, this pre-marriage counseling, this whole process,

although it takes time, it takes energy, it takes patience, it takes frustrating conversations to work through them. It's not like this fun, oh, we're going on the beach this weekend. It's like, oh, you're going in, you're diving in, you're having conversations about stuff that's messier. Although it is all those things, it created such a great foundation for us to get married the way we got married. Yes.

And for you to get pregnant and to feel like there's safety, there's peace, there's harmony, there's agreements when there's challenges. We know how to resolve conflict. So we're not living in this stressful chaos. It's like we've done a lot of the work, we've come together. And again, we're not speaking from a place of like,

we're married for 20 years and we figured this process out. No, no, no. It's more of, we feel like we've had to learn through challenges and adversity and a lot of ups for the first few years of like how to set a foundation and create a process that works for both of us to come together to get married.

Yes, and this is what works for us. I wanted to ask you something. Yes. How do you feel? I feel very good. About becoming a parent. I feel good. Again, I told you yesterday, I was like,

it hasn't really hit me yet. I mean, it's hit me, but I don't think it's gonna hit me until like I see your belly like really big and probably like the day it happens. then I'm gonna be like, holy, this is really happening. Yeah. So I'm excited, but I'm more in mode of like, I gotta get more done. I gotta get ahead. I got a plan. I gotta like produce, create, provide. I'm more like, all right, let's go. You know, I'm like thinking ahead of the future. And so it's very exciting, but I'm also, you know, it's not in my body.

So it's more, I'm like, I'll never know what that feels like. I mean, I've been feeling it at different moments, but I didn't feel the marriage until like, really like the day before or something, you know? And I was like, oh, this is happening. Even the day of I was like playing pickleball in Mexico and I was like, oh, I guess I'm getting married tonight. But it was that evening, the

church wedding, those were all like, oh, the day of, okay, this is happening. But no, I'm feeling it. I'm feeling excited, but I'm just not physically feeling like you are. No, well obviously you're not physically feeling it. I'm feeling it. So I'm not feeling the range of like emotions and hormones and all these things that you feel every moment, but I'm excited. But it's, we still have time. We still have time. So I got to prepare my mind.

I got to get my resources together and get ready. So that's where I'm at. But that's the announcement and the surprise. Our family is expanding. It's expanding. You're an amazing wife. I love you. You're an amazing husband. We've got so many things we could

talk about in future episodes on like, you know, the pre-numb situation, why it was important for you to change your last name, like all these things to create a stronger foundation and a stronger unity for us. That works for us. And so whatever you guys want to hear about next, let us know in the comments below. Let us know what you enjoyed most from this conversation.

Again, I feel like we just scratched the surface. We're almost two hours in for one episode. And I think this is a good place to start. There was a lot of additional topics and reflection that we also went through, which was around like your family, my family, our family, planning for kids, living together. There's like so much around like moving in and living together that most people don't understand.

Agreements, disagreements, all these different things. But this was a good start I think for people. And it was a great start for us before getting married because again, it just made us feel, it made me feel more at peace. And I think I always had fear around marriage growing up married because again, it just made us feel, it made me feel more at peace. And I think I always had fear around marriage growing up because I just didn't feel like I had a good model of it. You had a great model with your parents.

They're incredible. They're still together 40 years later, married and they're happy. And so for me, it was like, I really needed to feel at peace and safety. I needed to feel like someone wasn't gonna sweep the rug underneath me and like say oh I say I love and accept you and then we're married and now change this do this I don't like this blah blah blah. I was just like I'm not living that life you know because I've lived it too many times. So for me having someone who's a growth minded someone who's got a regulated nervous system and

that knows how to manage their their emotions was big for me and it's something you have that you do beautifully and so I'm very grateful. I try my best. Not every day I'm like but most of the time. Most of the time but it's alright I'm not either. But I appreciate you I'm grateful for you I love you I'm excited for our life I'm grateful that we got married, that we're having a family. And hopefully, this conversation is helpful for people. Hopefully it is. Again, we don't have all the answers. We're not experts at marriage.

And also, this is what works for us. That doesn't mean it's going to work for everybody else. But I feel like together you know, together, being together, but also like I, you led us in this beautiful path of how we're going to set up the foundation. Because a lot of the things that we did were your ideas that you wanted to bring to the table. Things that I fantasized about doing, you know,

back in the day with whomever was going to be my husband, but I never thought, oh, I'm going to meet a man that he's going to want to do this work, like, on his own, which I was really happy about, like, including like the first time we went to Mass together, it's because it was your idea. You said, hey, let's go to church. I was like, oh my God. And I'd never been to Mass and never been to a Catholic church, but I knew you were raised that way. So I wanted to like, explore it for you and I'd never been to Mass and never been to a Catholic church, but I knew you were raised that way. So I wanted to like explore it for you and say, okay, if this is meaning for you, for you, I'm willing to try it.

It doesn't mean I'm going to commit to this forever, but I'm willing to explore and try things and see what it feels like. And I think it's a combination also because, you know, we do this with each other. If I see things that you're doing that bring you joy and peace, I'm like, not only go for it, but also, oh, I'd like to try that too. Yeah, yeah, exactly. It's like, because we see that the outcome of these things

is more joy, more peace, more fun, more curiosity about life and exploring, and more of setting up a foundation. Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. I love you. I'm grateful for you. I'm grateful for you. I appreciate you. You're an amazing man. You're an amazing wife. If you guys enjoyed this share below what you want to hear more of. Make sure to subscribe to Martha's channel as well. Infinitos on YouTube. Follow her on Instagram. It's still your former name, Martha Ygedeta,

but in the future we'll start switching those things around. But check her out, follow her. If you want us to do more of this, let us know. This was fun. This is the first time in like a year and a half almost. Yes. Because people loved the last episode we did, the last two episodes we did.

And I feel like we've learned so much in the last year and a half from this process, going through all these books and workbooks and workshops and relationship mentors. So I think we should share more. Also, we both experienced in the past similar relationships that brought us to, you know, we're both not to say anything about, you know, the people we're with because we chose them, but so many people are there outside, they're in a very codependent relationship. So like if you want us to share how was it for us,

how to not break from that, but like inside of you, how to break free inside of you from those things in order to find and build together a healthier love. to find and build together a healthier love. Absolutely. And I think that, you know, that would be really fun to share. Let's do it. You guys want more?

Let us know. Te amo, I love you. You're amazing. I love you too. I love you. Mwah. I love you so much. I have a brand new book called Make Money Easy.

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