The School of Greatness - Stop Chasing Love In Relationships & Do This Instead w/ Martha Higareda EP 1423

Episode Date: April 14, 2023

https://lewishowes.com/mindset - Order a copy of my new book The Greatness Mindset today!Martha Higareda is a Mexican actress, producer and screenwriter. She's written, acted in and produced a new film on Netflix called "Queens On The Run."In this episode you will learn,How to attract a healthy relationshipHow to deal with attachments in your relationshipsHow to heal from your inner child woundsWhy “love is not enough” in a healthy relationshipCheck out Martha's new movie - "Queens On The Run."For more information go to www.lewishowes.com/1423Habits That'll Help You Not Waste Another Year Of Your Life w/ James Clear EP 1372 https://link.chtbl.com/1372-podYour Personal Guide to Self Discovery w/ Nicole LePera EP 1358 https://link.chtbl.com/1358-podOvercome Your Triggers & Heal Your Soul w/ Dr. Mariel Buqué EP 1304 https://link.chtbl.com/1304-pod

My friend, I am such a big believer that your mindset is everything. It can really dictate if your life has meaning, has value, and you feel fulfilled, or if you feel exhausted, drained, and like you're never going to be enough. Our brand new book, The Greatness Mindset, just hit the New York Times bestseller back to back weeks. And I'm so excited to hear from so many of you who've bought the book, who've read it and finished it already, and are getting incredible results from the lessons in the book. If you haven't got a copy yet, you'll learn how to build a plan for greatness through powerful exercises and toolkits designed to propel your life forward.

This is the book I wish I had when I was 20, struggling, trying to figure out life. 10 years ago, at 30, trying to figure out transitions in my life and the book I'm glad I have today for myself. Make sure to get a copy at lewishouse.com slash 2023 mindset to get your copy today. Again, lewishouse.com slash 2023 mindset to get a copy today. Also, the book is on Audible now so you can get it on audiobook as well. And don't forget to follow the show so you never miss an episode. Really deeply falling in love is to see everything about that person, not only the good parts, also the other parts, and saying to that person, I accept you. Right.

You're not perfect and you don't have to be because no one is. Right. I accept you. And because I'm able to see all of the parts of you, then I love you. Welcome to the School of Greatness. My name is Luis Howes, a former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur. And each week we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin.

Welcome back everyone to the School of Greatness. I'm very excited about today's episode this is a special episode a couple of things number one i've never sat on this side of the table so that's the first thing i'm on a different side of the table if you're watching on youtube number two this is a first in the history of the school of greatness of almost 10 years and almost 1,400 episodes, I've never had my intimate partner on this show. So it's a very big deal. So we have the inspiring Martha Iguerra in the house, very excited because this is a woman who has captured my heart, who has fully loved and accepted me for who I am as a human being. And it is an incredible journey to live life with you. So it's been a beautiful journey.

If you don't know who she is, she has done over 40 movies as an actor, many TV shows as a producer, written many movies as well, and just is extremely creative and talented and wise in a lot of different ways in the world. She is someone who's tapped in spiritually into her heart and with the mystical parts of the universe.

And she is someone who is a big giver to her friends, her family, and most importantly to herself, which I think is really powerful. And she's a big giver to me as well. So very excited. I love you. Thank you for being here. Thank you for saying what you said I'm with you today is actually Valentine's Day that we're recording this but this will come out later

because Martha has a exciting movie coming out on Netflix called fuga de arenas Queens on the run it's on the Run. It's coming out. So this will come out sometime before your movie. So I want you guys to watch the movie. It's an amazing experience. And there is a very special guest appearance

from an American that you will see as well. You are in the movie. So when you see it, be sure to let me know. But this episode I want to talk about is relationships and love. And again,

Martha has a lot of experience in learning about her heart and doing therapy over the years and, you know, being in relationships that didn't work for her and now hopefully being in a relationship that does work for her. So this is all about love and relationships and you know actually your movie has a lot of lessons about love and relationships as well because there's four different women in the movie that all have like a struggle in their relationships and you've been the the queen of romantic comedies in mexico and in latin america and exploding in the box office over the years of writing and being the lead of romantic comedies in Mexico and in Latin America and exploding in the box office over the years of writing and being the lead of romantic comedies. But in romantic comedies, there's

typically an approach to love and relationships that looks good on TV and in the movies, but doesn't always necessarily translate to real life. So can you break down, first off, what the typical way of love looks like in the movies and in TV and how some of it actually works in real life, but how some of it hurts women and hurts individuals from thinking it needs to be a certain way that actually has not worked. So let's start with that. Okay. So as you said, I've been doing a lot of romantic comedies in Latin America.

And that in Latin America and in general in the world, we're usually always movies and TV shows usually show the part in which you get to know the other person. And you say, oh, I like color blue. Me too. You know, I like salsa. Me too. Like all these different things.

Likes and interests. Likes and interests. And then when the movie ends, usually, and I'm talking about all the different, you know, princesses movies and all the romantic comedies that I've done and that I've written, by the way, and in which the concept of my other half, the concept of you complete me, you know, we know this movie that Tom Cruise did saying, like, you complete me. All of these things, what they do is that they make you feel you're incomplete and that then, therefore, someone else is going to make you feel you're incomplete and that then therefore someone else is going to complete you and then on top of that when these movies are released they only show you all that

and then the end is they kiss they get married and then that's it so they are they're actually being faithful to the title you know the genre comedies, because they're so romantic. So they show you only the romance of it all, but they don't show you necessarily what happens after. Unless it's a drama, then it probably happens, you know? But usually they don't. So then as women and as men, we grow up thinking, oh my God, I want that love story. You know, where's my guy, I want that love story.

You know, where's my guy? I need to find him. And then when you meet him, you do feel like, oh, my God, he completes me. Or you make the other person my whole world. You are my whole world. And then, therefore, when you break up, all of a sudden, your entire world collapses. You go into depression. You're crying.

You feel empty. You don't know who you are. And I think this is the mistake of romantic comedies. And I feel guilty of it because I've written them. And I also used to fall into the old paradigm of romanticism in that way. Right. Not anymore. And I did a lot of work before meeting you.

And I know you did a lot of work before meeting me too. Wait a minute, so I don't complete you? No, you don't. I'm not your whole world, your whole universe? I'm sorry, you're not my whole world. Oh my gosh, let's stop this interview. You're not. But you are a big, gigantic planet in my solar system.

You know what I mean? So in my solar system you know what I mean so there's in my solar system there's my family there's my friends there's my job there's my mission there's our pets there's all of these different things and then your Jupiter you know I can't warm your entire but? But you know what I mean. You're a bright star in someone's universe. It's having your universe and having your solar system complete, full, happy, joyful, with your own purpose, your own mission, your own independence,

and then meeting another person who also has his universe with this whole planets and, you know, Jupiter and Mercury, whatever, I'm thinking in Spanish, but you know, like all these different planets and then say, hey, let me tell you about my universe. I want to hear about yours. And then if it matches, then we share the universes together and then we expand. Yes. But then it doesn't become a thing of like, oh, if it doesn't match, then I'm left with nothing because you were my universe. That's devastating. Devastating. So what should people be thinking

about as they're looking for a romantic partner? how should they approach finding or creating intimacy, love, and a partner when they are single? I think the most important thing to do when you're single is to know yourself very well and to know how you like to love and how you like to be loved. I don't think we do that with honesty all the time. Like usually what happens is when you're, and I used to be this way. I was single. And then, you know, your heart breaks and all this stuff. And then you go, okay, so where's my guy?

I want to find my guy. And you go try to find your guy without even finding yourself, without even really knowing Yourself and what you like what you don't like what you were your boundaries what you can accept what you wouldn't like all these different things So then what happens is you meet a guy? He's cute You're kind of into the same thing and then all of a sudden you see all these amazing things about the guy But you don't realize these

other things that he does oh he doesn't treat waiters very well but you didn't see it because you had the pink glasses on right but then later months later you start going wait a second i think this guy's a narcissist and i didn't realize it so i'm just saying it's not all the time but but usually you go try to find love without knowing what you like and what you can accept or not accept yeah and I think it's we know our likes and interests and so when we see others that have a similar likes and interests we feel like we match but it's not enough to have similar likes and interests. We need similar values and vision and lifestyle. We need to see, do these things match? But usually we are like, oh, they like the same things,

the same music, the same adventures, they like traveling, so we like each other. Yeah, how can we do that? Like if you think, oh my God, you like salsa, I like salsa too, great. Are you really gonna build a lifetime with somebody just because he likes salsa and you do too? No, it has to do more with other things that are deeper values. That's a big one.

You know, most people waste a lot of time and energy because you were asking that into meeting a person and noticing all these amazing things, but not asking the real questions. Like a woman, all these amazing things, but not asking the real questions. Like a woman, let's say you're a woman that you want to have a family, have children. You see yourself growing old with somebody, you know, growing in youth with someone. And you meet that guy. And not only until like six months later, because you don't want to scare him away, you ask the question, hey, do you see yourself with kids? Ask it early. Like. Scare him away. Please. And if you're scared, because I have friends that said, but Martha, I'm going to scare this person away. Scare him away. If he leaves, then that's not the person for you.

The same with guys, you know, like, like ask these things because then later now you're in a relationship and then what happens? Now you're in love. Now the families, the friends now you're in a relationship and then what happens now you're in love now the families the friends you're you know everything and then you start asking those questions and now it starts the battle of trying to make the other person change that doesn't work of course not nobody can change anybody nobody can change anybody and what happens when you're trying to change someone else? What does that say about you? What I think it says is that you really don't love them deeply.

Because when you love somebody deeply, you can accept them and you can see them. And I think there's a difference between falling in love and loving someone deeply. And falling in love is the process in which you are recognizing yourself through the eyes of your lover. So, Lois, you're an amazing guy. And I tell you these things, right? And you know this about you. There's this hidden part of you to go, yeah, I'm an amazing guy, actually. And you hear me saying it and you go, oh, my God, I love you.

That's falling in love. I am. You're seeing yourself through my eyes because I see your qualities and I say them to you. You see them. But then there's the other part, which is really deeply falling in love, is to see everything about that person. Not only the good parts, also the other parts, and saying to that person, I accept you. You're not perfect, and you don't have to be, because no one is. I accept you. And because I'm able to see all of the parts of you,

then I love you deeply. So, for example, when I was dating you, everything you were saying and you were being and your action and everything, it was information for me about who you are. Because my intention was not to change you, not to do anything, but just to get to know you. And like I said, people are fascinating, right? And especially when you're in the dating process I was you know I met you and I was like oh my god who's this guy I want to know who he is what he is all about and so anything you would do I wouldn't take it personal and so I think and I

don't know if you agree but sometimes the mistake that we do is that we try to accommodate to the other person because we want to be loved we want to be liked or we see only the best parts that they have but we don't see the other parts right and so then then when we do that we kind of cloud ourselves we cloud our vision because we're not seeing who the entire persona is the entire personality is you, the person that you're seeing. And for example, there was, you know, in a different time, I went out with a guy that was great, but he was into ketamine. I don't do any drugs. I don't drink.

I don't smoke. I don't do anything. And so instead of being judgmental, because that's the thing, the mistake we make very quickly, we become judgmental. Instead of being judgmental, I was so curious, who is this person? I want to know. And then when he mentioned that, with curiosity, I was like, oh, tell me more. I want to know more. And then obviously what happened is I went home that night and I was like, this is not the guy for me. It will be the guy for someone else, for sure, that enjoys that, which is good, but not for me. So that's why I feel like knowing yourself very well is very important in order for you

to then go out in the world and meet other people and find whomever it is your best match. So for me, when I met you and you were like, I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't do any drugs, I was like, yes! You know, I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't do any drugs. And for me, that's important. You know, and the values. The values were very important.

And you have amazing values and integrity. You know, you have this generosity. You are kind with people and i think for me that was very important to see that you're not only saying that you have all these values because we had conversations about values you're not only saying that you're being the values that you're saying and um and it was really beautiful when i met you to see you be and see you be you and so then it was never after i healed it was never my intention to ever want to change anyone because if we are honest with each other and our pasts in a way luis i think we were other and our pasts. In a way, Luis, I think we were trying to change our ex-partners in some ways,

you know? So whether it was like, if it was, let's say, one of the exes, an explosive personality, here I was, or here you were, hey, read this book, there's this podcast, you know? In a way, you're trying to help them. But at the same time, we're not accepting who they are. And so that's why I feel like accepting the other person is one of the biggest things to create a beautiful relationship. Yeah, and that's why it's beautiful being in a relationship with you, because I feel accepted.

Oh, I feel accepted too. I feel accepted, and I feel like it's hard to, that's why I think it's important to be so upfront and honest with people in the beginning of a dating experience so they get to see most of you if possible. You know, obviously people are going to be on their best behavior or whatever when they're starting to get to know each other. But I think when I was getting to know you,

yes, I was being a gentleman and I was being nice, but I was also being fully honest about who I've been in the past, who I am now, and who I plan to be in the future. And I think I was so clear with you. It wasn't like I was trying to hide things. And when you would ask me questions, I would say, okay, I'm going to share with you authentically who I am. But I don't know if you're going to like it. And I don't know if you're going to accept it. And a lot of times I feel like people hide the things they don't, they aren't proud of

because they feel like the other person's not going to accept them or love them. And they're going to want them to change something as opposed to saying, this is all of me. And maybe I'm working on some things that I'm not proud of, or I'm trying to improve here, but this is where I'm at right now. Can you accept me? I think a lot of, I feel like I struggle thinking that a lot of women can't accept men fully with all their shame and past and challenges and mistakes they've been through in general.

Do you feel like women struggle with accepting the men that are in front of them if they really knew all their shame and insecurities? Yeah. And why do you feel like it seems to be women want to change men so much? From your perspective. From your perspective. It seems to be women that want to. That's my perspective. And why do you feel that happens where women try to change men as opposed to accepting them? I think it happens both ways. I think it also happens with men. But I think it's more common for me to hear the stories from women because I hang out with more women.

So I hear, you know, maybe you hear stories of guys that say, oh, I wish my girlfriend wouldn't be this jealous. So that's the guy that wishes to change his girlfriend well yes but this is who she is or or this is what she is at this moment in her life because maybe with therapy and things she will change that about her but he won't be able to change that has to come from within I think what happens is that I think when women are trying to change their man, number one, you come off as very controlling. I feel like this is the thing. The thing is that nobody can change anybody. That's the truth. Like if there's a truth in life is that humans are

unpredictable and when a woman is trying to change her man she's trying to feel safe. She's trying to create a man that won't hurt her. A man that won't look at other women. A man that will like follow to a tee every single thing that she wants and does so then therefore i'm not hurt and so they're therefore i feel safe but the reality is that in human condition is that no human no men or women is controllable like you want to control somebody get a dog don't get a boyfriend don't get a girlfriend don't get a partner, don't get a girlfriend, don't get a partner, because you're not going to control that person. But I think there's this feeling of, if I have the control of this person,

then I will feel safe. And that is a myth. Like safety in life is a myth, because life will forever continue to move and evolve and change. So the same as a human being. You will not control a person because he will always continue to save. And the second that person or that guy feels controlled over and over again, that person is going to want to run away. And I always say it to my girlfriends.

Think about it the opposite way. You know, imagine you are complaining. Your boyfriend is complaining because you went out with the girls. A lot of women sometimes complain. Oh, my guy went out with the guys. You know, imagine it's the opposite way. And you're the one that went out with your girls and you show up at home. And instead of showing up at home, hey, I miss you.

How was it? You show up with this guy that is like, so what happened? What do you do? Like, you're going to start feeling like you're not free. You're supposed to be free in a relationship to be yourself. And if you can't, you start feeling trapped. You start feeling frustrated. And then you want to run away. You tell me, but you're the guy. But I feel like that would happen to me if it was the other way around. When was the moment then that you started to make all these realizations? They started to, like these myths started to break for you. Because again, you lived a certain life in mexico um you know dating and in relationships and while doing these movies was there a moment where you're like these movies

in this this narrative that women have yes maybe some of it works but not all of this narrative like how old were you and when did you start to like break free of that story and start looking at relationships differently and love differently? When was it? How old were you? Was there something that started to have you? I'm not going to go into the specifics

of who this person was, but it was a relationship in which I found myself kind of like in the horror movies almost, locked in my bathroom, crying, not knowing who to call, while the other person was banging outside of the door saying, go ahead, call your friend, and cursing and yelling. And I was like, when did I get here? Like, you know the story. Of course. When and why did I get here? Like, what part I am, what model, what type of movie,

who I've been modeling after that got me to a place in which I'm saying, I'm afraid of the person I'm with, and yet it seems like I can't leave him. And you start thinking, I am the only common denominator in all the relationships that I've had, so I get to work on me. Like, this is not about what he did. This is not about, you know, all of this or abusive behavior or whatever it is, circumstance it's not about the other person it's about you and so when you start looking inside of you and you find you're the common denominator you say okay wait a second why am I attracting these type of guys right you know some people attract they say oh I want to find a great partner. And you take them to a party, and there are like 10 amazing guys,

and there's that one guy who you know is trouble. And that woman who's your best friend will gravitate towards that guy. Instead of the other 10, they're amazing. Why do women seem to go after the troubled man as opposed to the healthy man? I think it has to do with your past. It has to do with your inner child. I think it has to do with unresolved trauma. I feel, and it is my experience,

that when you are with someone, you meet somebody, and you feel this crazy amount of chemistry, crazy amount of chemistry, like my advice is like run away because that is not something healthy. That is unresolved trauma will touch you in a way, will complete your unresolved trauma. And you're going to learn a lot of lessons, but are going to be painful. So why don't you learn them on your own instead? Or perhaps go ahead, explore that, live that, but then you

will find yourself inside of a back room, crying, afraid that this person may do something to you. And then you'll start asking the big questions. What did I do? And so you will start looking at your past and the way you grew up and your inner child wounds. Right. Before the interview continues, if you feel like you're not living your most authentic life, not leaning into your purpose and not living the life that your future self would be extremely proud of, I've written a new book called The Greatness Mindset. And I think you're going to love this. Through powerful stories, science-backed strategies, and step-by-step guidance, The Greatness Mindset will help you overcome all the different challenges

in your life to design the life of your dreams and then turn it into your reality. Make sure to click the link below in the description to get your copy today. Okay, let's get back to this video. The way we are approaching love and finding love or looking for love. And the people we attract has a lot to do with this five inner child wounds, that if we don't assess them before getting into a relationship, you will continue to attract the same guy. What are the wounds? So one of them is the rejection wound. So the rejection wound is a wound we all have. Literally, like since you're a little kid, you know, at one point your mom or dad is going to say no to you. And you're going to feel rejected.

But there's people that have it even bigger. We all have that one. But there's people that have it even bigger. So, you know, you, you have a story of rejection in school. You've told me many, many times that, you know, you felt rejected, you felt like you were not. What that creates is a person that in the future, when there's trouble, and when that person feels rejected, that person's going to try to go away, or walk away, run away. Or react, or trigger it, or whatever react triggered like i'm feeling rejected i'm gonna run away um or i can also create a person that wants to be it's so malleable so adaptable that if you

like whatever thing do whatever to fit in and belong and exactly so you're you're you're looking for love but you're you're adapting to whatever the other person wants and needs. You know, like you become that type of adult. Then there's the abandonment wound. And that's a tough one because a lot of people experience that and a lot of women experience that from their mom or their dad. You know, there's a lot of very sad stories of my dad left for another woman and I never saw him again. And so what does that mean? And you're a little kid with your little tiny mind of nine years old. You don't think it's because of other things. You cannot put yourself in your parents' shoes. You think it's about you. Yes. And so then what happens with people that have abandonment wounds

is that they become dependent, and they become, you know, a person that needs somebody. You know, it's the kind of person that if you're having a misunderstanding and the partner wants to take a beat and walk away for a second to just kind of like relax or calm down the abandonment wound will go after that person say no don't leave me I'm here in the middle I'm talking what are you doing you know and then it's a never-ending argument all night because that person's not leaving you know the the good amount of space in between the two because if you leave

I feel you're abandoning me, or that they get too attached. They are dating somebody, and they feel, I don't know why I feel I'm going to mess this up at one point, and that person's going to end up leaving me. So it has to do with a story of something that happened to you in your childhood. Even if your dad didn't leave, even if your mom didn't leave, sometimes it could be that you felt abandoned because they dropped you off in school when you were too little and you had this anxiety About you and and maybe they didn't pick you up Many many times, you know and you were waiting outside school and your parents didn't show up So maybe it comes from that

Because some people say I have amazing parents, but I still have some of these wounds. Where are they coming from? Okay, so that's the second wound. The second one. Then there's the humiliation wound, the shame. You feel shame. You are humiliated. So somebody, I mean, in many different ways, you have a story about that. You know, the other day we were talking about this and you went, man, I think I have most of them. Yeah. Right. And then I said to you, I love you so much because you've become, if you become the man who you are, which I know who you are, having had all of these wounds is admirable. of these wounds is admirable. You know, the type of resilience that you have, the type of commitment with yourself that you have, it's massive because you do, but you were humiliated in school, right? People that were bullied or people that

your parents, your parents can humiliate you, you, they can. You know, many, many times. You're like, oh, you're a little kid. You're excited because you wrote this little song at that one moment. And your dad is with a bunch of friends. It's like, no, what? No, you sing horrible. Move out of the way. You feel that humiliation.

So what that creates, having had a parent who has a crazy temper and you never know what you're going to expect, right? That parent that maybe reprimanded you. You know English better than I do. But reprimanded you in front of other kids, you know, with a big temper, that big voice. You feel like this humiliation. So what that creates is in the future, if you have not worked in your inner child once, it's a man or a woman that is willing to take any kind of abuse.

So you're replicating the abuse that you had at home so you even learned how to stand up for yourself exactly so then do you have a screaming girlfriend saying well I'm gonna break up with you if you don't pick up my phone call and you continue in the relationship to like yeah yeah of course because you live that that yeah, yeah, of course. Because you live that. That reminds you of something that you experienced. It's familiar. Yeah, it's familiar. Exactly. So you know that feeling that when you meet somebody, people say, oh, it felt like family to me. Why did it feel like family? Some family could be great. Another family might make you, yeah. Exactly. So like,

that's why the question is really important. What part of that makes you feel like family? Okay, humiliation. What's number four? The other one is treason. Something that somebody, like betrayal. So for example, my sister, she, when I was born first, then my sister was born second. And then there was a gap in which my parents didn't have children for like six years. And then they had my brother.

So she was a little baby of the family. And she's so funny. You know my sister. She's really fun. She's like outgoing and really amazing. And so then when my brother was born, for her, and she says this today, it felt like a betrayal. It felt like, what is this new person in the family? I'm not the little baby anymore.

And mom, dad, and everyone around, including herself, they say that her personality changed a little bit and she felt, and to this day she feels when she's more able to have more control is when she can feel safe. And because she felt betrayed by my parents, right? So then therefore later in life, she grows up as a woman, and she's looking for love, and she's looking for a man that she can, in a way, way give direction to and this is why her

relationship and my brother-in-law you know relationship works really well because in his case he had an abandonment wound and so then he was looking for somebody to give him direction so this is for them in a way it's a good it's a good match so So for me, being the oldest of the family, my mom was always so amazing into praising and saying, oh, Martita's the helper of the family. She helps me with the house. She helps me with the siblings.

She helps me. So in a way I built my identity feeling as if I was of of help to somebody then I was worth it right I was I had some value to bring if I was being of help to somebody so then what happened is then later as an adult before having healed my inner child wounds I was looking for somebody I could help. And I didn't know this, this is subconscious, right? So then all of a sudden, I used to fall in love with men that needed a lot of support and a lot of help. Because in a way, if they didn't need me,

I didn't know if I was worthy. So that was a big one for me. And then the other one was shame. So for me, it was, you know, so that was a big one for me. And then the other one was shame. So for me, it was, you know, my family too. We're very, we're jokers, we joke all the time. And especially my dad's side of the family. He was so young, he was 20 years old. And he used to like poke me or do these little things.

I was one years old, two, three, four, you know, four, five. And he would say, oh my God, look at that. He would say that to my mom. Look at her. She's crying just by me doing this. And he would laugh. But me as a little kid, I didn't know what was happening. So then I would feel, my dad is laughing at me, right? So I felt shame. And I had other moments in my life. I stole something from school, which is, you know, my mom was really upset, which was good, by the way, that I learned the lesson. But in front of my entire classroom, she said that I had stolen a pencil sharpener.

And so I was crying in front of the classroom and I felt embarrassed. So then later, people who experience a lot of shame are the ones that turn into you know people that can withstand a lot of abuse later in life because that's what it feels familiar to you you know and and I gotta say something that I think it's very important. It's not our parents fault we should you know stop blaming our parents for the way we are they did what they could with what they could they did their best with what they the tools they had you know the things they had so and it's up to us to heal ourselves and then there's another one that's called the injustice one so something that happened to you at one point in life that you felt things were unjust you know whether is

whether is you know the way in your perspective they treated your sister or your brother way better than they treated you. That felt unjust. So then you didn't fix that inside of you. So then later in life, it makes you a very rigid person. Rigidity. You know, you want things to be a certain way, and that's it. Or you're just triggered if you see injustices constantly and everything is unjust. Yeah.

And it takes a lot of your energy to manage those emotions. Yeah. And so if things were unjust for you when you were a little kid, you replicate it as an adult in ways of you become competitive with your partner because you're trying to find justice. Right. Oh, you know what? I work so much.

Of course, you take care of the kids and don't tell me anything about anything because this is what's fair. Wait, let's talk about it. You know? So this is that type of personality. So for me, you know this, I needed to dive down inside of what was my life story, what was my wounds, why was I attracting these type of personalities? And why was it that whenever I attracted a nice guy, it felt boring? That happens to a lot of people.

Why do women not like the nice guy? Why do they not? Well, I do. Why do some women- You're so nice. Why do some women not fall for a healthy, nice, conscious man and they fall for a man that has, you know, likes and interests but doesn't have a healthy relationship with themselves

and doesn't treat others well? Why do they fall for that? Yeah. Well, one is this, you know, because they haven't addressed that they're looking for love as a wounded child, as opposed to, you know, being open to love as an adult, which is, I think, this is the way you and I met. We were not anymore looking for love. Right. And although healing is a never-ending journey, we were very aware of what was the inner child wounds that was having you attracting certain type of women and me, certain type of men.

And so then, therefore, once, like the first step is to be aware of it. And then you start noticing, oh. And then something happens. Did it happen to you, Luis? Because for me, it was this integration of my inner child this moment these exercises that I would do in which I would say oh my god I got myself you know Nila is my therapist you know you know I talked to you about Nila she's incredible and she said to me back in the day when I was in a relationship, this person yelling at

me all the time, you know, like all these things. And she would say, don't say he's yelling at me. He just yells. He just doesn't go with you. Right. And you can either choose to accept it or not. Or get out of there. But changing it is actually something that you got to look at within yourself.

You know, if I don't accept who this person is, it doesn't mean they're right or wrong, good or bad. It just means it's not a good match for me. And so they may not want to change and you have to be okay with it if the other person doesn't want to change. And you have to evaluate, okay, am I happy removing myself from this relationship? Even though there might be some other benefits, but can I deal with the parts that cause the most stress and pain? And I think, again, not everyone is bad all the time or something,

but are the things that I don't like or don't match or align with, knowing this may never change. If it never changes, am I accepting it and okay with it? And I think if you're not willing to accept who they are now, you can't expect them to change later. So it's learning to say, am I okay?

And can I give into this or accept this? Or is this a non-negotiable for me? One of the things that we got into our relationship and the dating process, I just like you know it's non-negotiable for for me and us to not yell we can disagree we can argue but screaming and yelling does not work for me no and had i experienced that with you in the first i don't know six months or a year i might have been like huh okay this is something that you do, maybe from time to time, you haven't done that. But I would witness it and be like, okay,

this doesn't work for me. And having a conscious conversation saying, hey, if this is the way you're gonna be at times, just let me know, because it doesn't work for me. Or am I able to accept you if once in a while you do yell, if there's a lot of other good that happens? And I think that's, those little nuances are hard for sometimes for people to decide. Yeah, because everybody wants to be loved.

And so then now finally you're in a relationship. Finally you have the chemistry, the kisses, you know how it feels. And then you're thinking, well, if I'm single again, well, I find someone who's good and I don't want to be alone and all these things. But wait a second, there are all these things that are great. Okay, all these things are bad, but okay, but maybe with time. And then you hand them the book,

then you hand them the podcast. No. And then you become the coach. People don't want to change though. People don't want to change where they are when they're in a relationship. No. I have, before you, I've chosen many relationships

where I felt resistance. I felt like I didn't want to change, but the only way to make this person happy was if I changed so many different things. And that was on me for deciding to adjust and change and adapt to make someone happy, as opposed to just being full, authentic yourself and being in a relationship where you commit to personal growth individually. I think that's something we've done really well is committing to being in a process of personal growth individually, both having emotional coaching and saying,

hey, I'm going to grow whether we're together or not. And you're going to grow whether we're together or not. So let's make that commitment impact from the beginning, which I think creates a lot of safety in the relationship for both of us knowing this person's not going to stop improving. They're not going to stop learning. They're going to keep having a beginner's mind about their emotions, their relationship to themselves, how they navigate stress, knowing we're never perfect human beings, but we're in a process of growth. I think that commitment to growth gives us a lot of peace. There's so many things that I feel so grateful for the way we started our relationship and how it happened.

And I feel so grateful for your past and my past. I feel very, very grateful for that. Because if you didn't live the things you lived and I didn't live the things I lived, we wouldn't have met when we needed to meet to continue the growth process in this way. But the same for me. I was nodding when you said,

well, if I would have seen you yelling after six months, I probably would have been like, hey, wait a second. I think with the experience that I had, if you would have started yelling in month three, I'd be like, thank you very much. You know, it was so great to be with you for those three months. Right. And that's it. Right. Because there's things that, you know, wouldn't have worked for me either. Right, right, right.

So it's interesting because what I tell most of my girlfriends is after you do this and you find the way, you know, the inner child ones and you address them. And let's say now you're ready because you're open to meet guys. Meet them where they are. You know, don't meet the potential. Don't try to see, oh my God, this guy seems like he could be this, no, no, no. Like, look at who that person is and look at everything that they're doing

and don't judge them. Everything is just information. If that was for me, like when I was meeting you, the thing that I wanted the most when I was meeting you is for you to be authentically you. Mm-hmm. So when you would say to me, oh, my God, I'm going to tell you something. I think this is going to make you run away. I would think, oh, my God, maybe he's into, like, threesomes or crazy stuff or drugs or something.

That's definitely going to make me run away and put you in the friend category. Right. But you would say something that for me was like, oh, that's amazing. You know? So it's information. It's just what happens is we very quickly, and especially women, we very quickly jump into the place in which we see them as our future husbands. Right away.

Right away. They have the potential. Yeah. What happens to a woman who starts seeing a man as their future husband in the first months of getting to know them? What do they tend to do more of that actually will hurt the relationship long term? You know, it's interesting because at the beginning, everything is great, right? So they see all the good parts.

So then for about three, four months, everything was amazing. Everything was fantastic. And then the entire person starts coming out. I don't like to say the real person starts coming out because also all the other things that you saw at the beginning is still the real person. But the rest of them.

The rest of them starts to come out. So then what happens? Now you want to start changing them. Because they don't. To go back to this perfect thing. To match you. Yeah. To match you.

You know? So if you're like regularly, you know, joyful person and you don't necessarily raise your voice or yell when you're having an argument or whatever and while you're dating that person you saw that that person yelled at the valet parking guy right but he's not yelling at you because you're living this in this beautiful pink bubble you continue the relationship you're not paying attention everything is information and if a guy tells you i don't want to have kids believe him yeah I don't want to have kids, believe him. Yeah.

He doesn't want to have kids. Don't keep dating him if you want to have kids. Yeah. Don't think you're going to be like Bella in The Beauty and the Beast, and you're going to say, I'm going to tame this beast, and he's going to be the one that's going to have kids with me. No. Everything that a guy says to you, believe him. That's the truth. Believe that person.

Because why would he lie to you unless he, you know, is some sociopath or whatever. But a lot of people, I mean, it's interesting because I would say certain things in previous relationships in my 20s. I'd be like, you know, I'm not really looking for a commitment. But then I would say it to kind of like protect myself.

Like, hey, I'm being honest, but I'm happy to hang out and kind of see where this goes, like casually and you know, date you, but I'm really not looking for a long-term commitment. And I think you hear men say this a lot to women, and you hear women saying, well, we had this amazing time, but he said he's not really looking for something serious. So if he's not looking for something serious,

stop investing in him in a serious way. If you want something serious. If you don't, great. Do whatever, have fun. Don't be upset in two or three months when he's off dating someone else and not investing in you because now you have feelings for him from a chemical bond. And I think that's where people get, both men and women, they get caught up in it because they start to have chemical bonds sexually as opposed to, okay, are we in alignment of what we want in terms of being in some type of relationship? Or am I okay if this person starts to abandon me or starts to not be as connected to me

and starts to live their lives in a different way, will I be okay with that? A lot of times people get hurt from that. to not be as connected to me and starts to live their lives in a different way, will I be okay with that? A lot of times people get hurt from that. Another thing that is information is do their words match their actions? Oh my God, he's telling me all the most beautiful words, but he's always late. He's telling me whatever. He has this amazing life with this amazing job, but I actually don't see him very much, you know, working. So I pay attention more to the actions.

Is he in alignment with his behaviors? Yeah. I think that was interesting for us when we met. Like the first 30 minutes, the first hour, we started talking about... The inner child. Almost, yeah. not like the most like shiny things you know we weren't like oh I'm

this amazing person and you're this amazing person and what are you up to and how you're crushing in life we really kind of got pretty deep quickly and I think we were both being very authentic of like this is what you know we've been experiencing over the past year and this is our journey and this is kind of where we're at and it wasn't like look at me trying to be

the best version of myself in front of you flip-flops you remember you looked at me and you went you were a midget i went oh my god you're a giant and then you give me that big hug you know like that big hug that you're known to be giving you and uh and we had a great time and it was just mainly because that's the thing i was not looking for love i was open to it but i was not looking for love right and you were the same way so i was really curious about who were you about yes as i was curious about other guys and i was like you know who are you what are you about who are you what are you about and then obviously you were the best to follow that but you know the best for me what was the best match the best for me you know it doesn't matter it's not about no but that's why i said the best the best match and it's being being open and aware of what what you want as an individual and seeing does this

person match i feel like we got really fortunate in a lot of ways because we share identical love languages, which I never learned. I never realized how important like being in alignment of love languages or being okay. If you don't match and you being okay with having to give someone else something that you're not typically known to do, and if you're okay with that. And so our love languages match who we are, our personality. And so when I show up, wanting to spend quality time and touch

and words of affirmation with you, that is my personality. And for me it's great, because then what happens is because it's also my love languages, I feel loved. you don't have to make an extra effort yeah for me to feel appreciated and i think this is you know i've heard people say like you want to understand your partner what their needs are and give them their

needs and help them in meeting those needs with their love languages and i agree that if you want to make a relationship work in a healthy way, you want to be of service to someone's ability to receive love. So you want to be able to give and contribute in that way the best way you can. But if that's not your natural come from, it just makes it a little more friction in order to make that happen. You have to think about it more intently. You have to go out of your way and do something that's uncomfortable for you. You have to think about it more intently. You have to like go out of your way and do something that's uncomfortable for you.

So I'm not saying it can't work effectively. I just feel grateful that I can show up as myself and not be like, oh, every week she needs a gift from me or she needs me to do this thing or she needs this thing. Otherwise, she won't feel loved. You know, you feel loved based on love language alignment. And I think everyone should be aware of that. Not meaning it won't work out in the relationship. It's just that you probably have to make a little bit more of an effort to communicate in the other person's love language. But it happens all the time. I hear stories. I told you that when I was in middle school and in high school, part of college, I would hang out

with a lot of guys. I would, I had a traumatic event when I was a little girl and my two best girlfriends passed. And so then after that, I was just hanging out with guys for a long time until I healed that part and now I have a good group of friends. But when, when I started realizing these things, one of my friends, I remember, he said, I just don't know what to do. She thinks I don't love her. But here I am. You know, I took her on this trip and I took her on this experience and I took her on this thing. And I, you know, if she needs something in the middle of the night, I go and I'm there for her.

So clearly his love language is actions, right? So then what happens? She says, I don't feel like he loves me because he never tells me how beautiful I look. You know, I'm wearing this dress he bought me and I'm like parading myself in front of him and it doesn't say anything. And he never tells me I love you. He never tells me. Well, he is with his actions, but you're not receiving it because your love language is words of affirmation. So then once you know

that's why knowing yourself is so important. It just causes more friction. It doesn't mean the relationship can't work but I think what we've tried to do is make sure we're in alignment with as much things as possible. And accepting the other person's values, vision, and lifestyle. And also saying, okay, am I in alignment with it?

And maybe sometimes I don't want to do certain things, but I've accepted who you are and I'm okay with certain things that I do them, right? And vice versa versa as opposed to being like wow I really don't like these 17 things that you like doing or your your values around this thing or whatever it might be but I'm gonna give in but without really truly accepting it that's when there's more friction I think so I think we've gotten really fortunate in being aligned but I also think that you know we've both spent 20 years in multiple relationships where we we we learned and made mistakes and did things where okay we we've got a lot of wisdom now and I've told you many times that if I got into like a relationship in my early 20s and got married there's I don't think there's any way that I would have been able to make it work

if we got in a relationship where it was out of alignment from the start. Like if we just got married because I was like, oh, I love you and this is amazing and we're having this chemistry and I got married without getting clear on are we aligned on our values, our vision, our lifestyle and all these other things. I don't know if I would have had the skills or the willpower or the emotional intelligence to navigate a healthy marriage. I just don't think I would have had the skills or the willpower or the emotional intelligence to navigate a healthy marriage I just don't think I could have done it and I'm not saying I'm making an excuse I just don't think I was capable of that and it's probably why I was so afraid of commitment in my 20s Because I was like, ah, I don't wanna mess this up

But I think a lot of people jump into commitment and then into marriage without a hundred percent honesty and authenticity around who they are, what they want now and what they're planning and intending for the future. So what is a question that women can ask men or the specific questions they can ask to where they can get more information out of them to see if it's the right alignment or match. I think, oof, it's so important. And obviously you've got to listen to the person

and have discernment when you're listening because a lot of guys could skirt around it or be a little inauthentic or potentially lie to not tell you the wrong thing and make sure they don't hurt you. So how do you have the intuition also to hear and feel this is authentic? Yeah. I think one of the things that is the thing that I used to do

when I was in my 20s is that when you are on the first few dates, you usually talk a lot about yourself. You want the other person to fall in love with you. So you share, share, share, share, share so much information. And because you want to be liked. I'd say now, I would say, get as much information as you can from the other person. It's amazing to meet someone new.

And it's amazing to get to know their stories. And in the way they tell you their stories and how they tell you their stories you're gonna find information so for example it's not the same when you meet a guy who has cheated in the past who tells you that he cheated because the woman was crazy if a guy tells you he cheated because the woman was crazy that's a guy that has not healed he has not taken responsibility of his own actions. But if he tells you, listen, this is what happened. There's two sides of the story. This is her story. This is my story. And this is what happened. Then, and what do you learn? Like

asking questions like this. So what do you learn? Or not even asking that question. Just wait to see if he tells you what did he learn or she learned. Well, I learned that I was out of integrity and that's the worst thing I can do to myself because then I lose self-love. I learned that I hurt another human being, that I betrayed someone else. And in that process, I also betrayed myself. Oh, that's a person that has learned the lesson. So pay attention in not only the story but how they tell you the story like i think that's a very important one and um and listen to them and believe them again it's this thing like believe what they're saying so like another question i

think things like this should be asked sooner and most most of my girlfriends say, I don't want to scare away the guy. But don't ask the guy, would you want to marry me? Or do you see us having children? Don't ask those questions. If you, on the first month, you're seeing yourself already having children with that guy, there's something wrong with you. Really? You don't know him yet. You don't know him yet. You don't know him. How can you think you're going to have children with this man that

you've known for one month? Wow. Really? No. It's your children you're talking about. Take your time. It's the rest of your life. It's your life. And then if it doesn't work, it's co-parenting with that stranger that you've met for one month and you're already thinking that way no what about when people say you know what we met each other we got married within a week or within a month we just we just knew and uh you know maybe there are some cases where that ends up you guys can stay together for a long time and have a healthy relationship in life but most of the time it probably doesn't work out. And why do you think jumping into a long-term committed, lifelong commitment after a week or a month of knowing

someone is probably not the healthiest thing to do? And where does it come from when someone wants to commit? Because they feel like, I just know this is my soulmate and my person after a day, a week, a month, this is it. And we my person after a day a week a month this is it and we're going to have this incredible life together what is happening from that place of knowing that quickly that this is my person for life and let's have let's have get married and have babies now that I think that's that's a little bit insane to me I think that has a lot to do with movies I think that has a lot to do with codependency and you complete me type of feeling. You know this.

But there's a person in my life that on day two, he told me, you're going to think I'm crazy. I love you. Same person that was banging on that door, acting crazy. I'm not saying he was crazy. I'm just saying that how can you say to somebody or somebody can say to you? I love you on date too. If you actually don't know them you can say I like you I'm interested in you. I like who you are Fascinated by you. I feel so attracted to you. That's good. Maybe that's what they mean now going to the story of that my dad saw my mom and he said, I like that woman for the seventh children of my mom, which is him.

He's the seventh children, right? And he, but he didn't think that's the woman I'm going to marry. He said, I like that woman for me. I like her. And when I have conversations, my parents have been married for 40 something years. When I have conversations with them, I say, what, you got married, you were 19. And my mom was, you know, the opposite. My dad was 20. And my mom was 19. So young. You were so young. How did you do that? Like, how did you do that? And my mom is a very smart woman. And she said, I listened to my grandma. And I followed everything she told me.

So, which is, I had the hard conversations with your dad way before we got married. And my mom, all of my life, told me, love is a choice. This thing that kids say, oh, my God, I feel this chemistry. She said, love is a choice. choice this thing that kids say oh my god I felt this chemistry she said man love is a choice and you choose to love every day and you choose me every day and I choose you every day yeah which is why it's so beautiful when you think about this idea of and this reality of like freedom in the, and this reality of, like, freedom in the relationship, and this myth of safety.

You know, there's a lot of people out there that feel like, and a lot of women, I gotta say, and I was one of them, that you feel like, oh, I want to feel safe in this relationship. I want to be engaged. I want to be married. And once I get engaged, once I get married, then I'll feel safe. Why do women want that type of safety? And why do they try to control the idea of safety in their man? By controlling a timeline, by controlling a financial situation, by controlling how they react or respond to you

or what they need to do for you daily so you feel safe why is there this need of control or this false sense of safety that some women tend to have and can they actually create safety in that way no you cannot create safety in that way? No, you cannot create safety in that way. What happens is that we are taught in life that once you get the ring, you're safe. Once you get married, you're safe. Once you have the home, you're safe. No, you are the only person that can make you feel safe. You cannot leave your safety to the other guys. You, Luis, I love you very much, but I can never leave my sense of safety in your hands. In my hands, because then what?

What happens if you do that? Because then if you, quote unquote, fail me in this or this, then I don't feel safe. Then I'm going to want to get back my safety. And how am I going to get back my safety? By trying to control you and the way you behave, because I'm the one that's not safe. You know, so I was talking to a girlfriend in Mexico that she was telling me, you know, I feel very insecure about my boyfriend's ex-girlfriends because they've all been so much more beautiful than I am. And she was asking for my advice.

And I was like, okay, well, tell me more about this. She's like, yeah, you know, the other day I felt really anxious because we were going to go to this party and one of the exes was going to be there. And then it so happened to be that I was going to go to, you know, she had something to do that day, so she couldn't go to the party, but it was a work party. So he had to go no matter what. So he was going to be there and his ex would be there.

So the ex was going to be there. And so then she was feeling so insecure because what if the spark comes to life again? Right. And she was like, and I don't feel safe. And so, and I understand the feeling. You know, I can understand the feeling because I have felt like that in the past before I did a lot of work in therapy and healed a lot of my inner childhood wounds. But that's why it makes me, I understand the feeling. And I said, so what do you want to

do? Well, I'm thinking about canceling all these things that I have for work so then I can go to the party. So then therefore you can be there so you can control and you can see what's happening so that therefore you can feel safe. Right? Yes. I said, well, let's look at what's behind that safety. Like, why is it that you don't feel safe? You know, what is it? Well, I don't know. I think, have you ever thought about the possibility that it has to do with, it's just like, it's just that I love him very much. I said, yes, you do.

And you're a wonderful woman. But perhaps you are controlling. And there's no way you can control what he does and when he does it or how he does it ever. The only thing you can control is yourself. That's the only thing you can do in your life, in anything. Because the beauty about human beings is that are non-controllable. And because your man is non-controllable, it's why you take care of it every day. You invest in it, yeah.

You invest in him every day. Yeah, and if he was like, went to this party alone and had a spark with his ex-girlfriend or whatever, then it probably doesn't mean he was the right guy for you. If he's gonna get so easily sparked from one conversation and think, ah, I wanna go be with this person, then you don't want to be with someone who's not committed and investing in their relationship

or who's easily persuaded somewhere else. Yeah. That easily from one conversation. Then you save yourself a lot of time. Yes. Because then that guy... Would eventually do that. Exactly.

But I wanted to go deeper. Yeah. And I wanted to say, okay, but let's go seriously. Let's find what's going on underneath. Like, why do you feel so insecure about your guys' exes? Because they were all supermodels, right? Okay, so what's underneath?

And she finally got it. And she goes, it's just that I feel like I'm not enough. So I said, okay, so what part of you is trying to control your man because you feel you are not enough so what's going to happen is you're going to continue act this jealous you know because she's she's she behaves like she's jealous a jealous person right so she behaves controlling and she's insecure and she's asking him all the questions every day what do you do who do you do it with what happens all the time and what's going to end up happening is is that your guy is going to start sensing that every day or almost every day you are not happy and a man and you tell

me if i'm wrong but a guy is wired to want to make you feel happy, to want to make you feel great, to want to make you be in your feminine energy, joyful, you know, like loving, nurturing, all these different things. And when he sees that you're upset at him or that you're upset because of something, he's going to want to try to make you happy. And then the next day that you cannot control, the next thing that you cannot control happens the next day. So what's going to happen to that guy? You tell me. He's going to try to make her happy. Of course.

What's going to happen? He's going to start getting more and more frustrated. And if you're never happy, he's going to feel like he's failing in the relationship. He's failing because he's wired to make you want to be happy. So he will feel he's failing. He will make it about himself. I am not good enough for her. Right. I'm not enough. She's never happy. I don't know what I need to do to make her happy. I give her this. I buy her this. I take care of this. I call her 20 times a day and she's still not happy. It's because it's never enough. Exactly. And when the reality is that you feel you are not enough and no matter what

your boyfriend will do to try to make you happy if you don't feel you are enough i mean it's just it just becomes exhausting insecurity and jealousy will ruin a relationship long term maybe in the beginning it seems like cute or like oh this person really cares about me they're like jealous or whatever or they're a little like worried or insecure or something that might seem cute in the first few months, but it becomes exhausting over time because you start to say, I give this person over and over again.

I'm investing in them. I'm giving to them. I'm writing them love letters. I tell them how sweet they are. I'm buying them flowers, whatever it is. And they still get jealous and insecure. What will it take to get them to not be jealous and insecure? Nothing from the person, they need to learn how to be complete and safe and secure with who they are in the relationship. And that's why you've really got to ask yourself, do we align? Do we match?

Questions, the big questions, right? And how to ask them. Because, you know, again, you don't want to scare the guy and say, do you see yourself? You ask them like this. Do you? Because you're getting to know him, right? So you don't see marrying that guy if you're sane. Really.

You don't fall in love in two days. You don't fall in love in two days. So you're getting to know this guy. And so you don't say that. You say, do you see yourself married in the future? One day. Yeah. In the future. Yeah. Do you see yourself with kids in the future? Not with me right now. No, not with you. You don't have the wedding dress in your trunk. Yeah. No no so do you see yourself yeah i think it's interesting yeah you asked a lot of good questions early on and one of them was you asked me that question like do you see yourself getting married and having kids and i remember being like well i'm gonna be honest because i haven't felt 100 sure in the past but

it's because i didn't feel safe in relationships. And I always felt trapped or I felt like, could I really trust this person long-term? And it was all from a wound of my parents and stuff like that. But you asked it in a way like, it was curiosity. Do you see yourself doing this? And I said, and I was honest. I was like, well, I haven't fully, but yes, I see with the right environment and the right partner where I feel safe, where I feel free in a relationship to be myself. Exactly.

And based on that, you were like, okay, yeah, that makes sense. But me saying, well, I haven't really fully felt that in the past didn't scare you. No. You were like, okay, that's information about he didn't have the right partnerships, but it doesn't mean he's not against it. Exactly. If I would have said like, no, I never want kids. I never want marriage. That's not for exactly and if i would have said like no i never want kids i never want marriage that's not for me you probably said okay great well this isn't the right relationship you're a great friend i actually remember the conversation because it was like we had many different conversations there was one that i remember um how was it i remember

saying to you something that was one of the first i. I'm going to ask you, I said. I'm going to ask you two questions. I remember. And depending on the answer, we can continue, you know, seeing each other romantically. Or we're just going to be great friends. And by the way, it's going to be an amazing, like amazing friendship. I remember that. Because the way we were getting to know each other, it was not with the goal of. No.

It was exploring and having fun and connecting yeah exactly fun and and uh freeing yeah just like exploring each other as human beings yeah it was beautiful and you asked me that question i remember thinking oh shoot what is she gonna ask me and you're like do you see yourself because you were like based on this answer we we may not essentially hang out in the same way anymore we've been i don't know hanging out for a month and a half like a month and a half or something like that yeah and i was like oh man i kind of got sad because i was like oh shoot i don't even know if i want you to ask me this question because i didn't want to lie to you

i know i remember thinking important for me i remember thinking like uh maybe tell me it's tomorrow you know let's just enjoy the night like, let's just hang out and like not spoil the moment. And I remember it was kind of sad because I was like, oh shoot, I want to be 100% authentic to who I am. And hopefully she's not going to ask me something where I'm saying the truth and my truth. And she's like, that's not what I want.

And we'll have to stop this. And that's a scary thing for a lot of people. And I think it takes a lot of courage to say, oh, man, here's an amazing human being that's in front of me. That we've had this great month or two weeks or six weeks. So much fun. And I don't want this to end. And so then sometimes people will give in to make the joy and the fun and the excitement continue. They'll give in or they'll hide some things or hold back on some of the truth because

they don't want to let the person down. But they're doing it the service to themselves. Yeah, they're abandoning themselves. And the relationship. And the future is going to make it harder because then you've got to deal with the truth at some point. Because it's going to come out no matter what. After a year, two years, whatever, eventually it's going to come out.

Yeah. And after a year, two years, whatever, eventually it's going to come out. And if it comes out early, sometimes people can manage the truth earlier because of the authenticity of it. Unless it's a deal breaker on something like kids and marriage. But if they were like, huh, I didn't like that this thing happened, but they were honest about it early on, they can say, I respect that. I respect it. Maybe if you would have held this in a year and told me, then it's a deal breaker.

But can you imagine the anxiety? Like not asking these questions until a year after? Oh, that would be crazy. Well, that's what most people do. Exactly. And they wait because they don't want to ruffle the feathers. And so you asked me that, and I told you, yes, with the right person and the right foundation and you know and I can't commit to that right now knowing you for you didn't because we didn't make

you didn't make it about me right but I was just like I wouldn't be able to do this unless I had time and energy and like really exploring someone for a period of time where I felt safe and free to be authentically me and not judged or made wrong. And for me, that answer was great because I've, in my experience of life, I have felt not safe to have children with other people. Yeah. So that makes sense to me. Yeah, exactly.

Because it's similar to my answer. Exactly. You asked me a number of questions early on where I was like, okay, I'm going to be fully authentic and honest, but we may not be friends anymore or be in this relationship anymore and one of them was Lewis what's your priorities it was like a conversation around priorities in life oh yeah and and you said something like it was it was like this go ahead we were talking about in general about you know this thing about how some people are not completely honest. And they, if they're not honest, then later the honest, you know, the whatever, the truth comes out.

Yes. And about truths. We were talking about truths. And I was telling you that I was loving how authentic you are. Yes. And that's amazing. For me, it was like the way you show up to our relationships and the way you show up to people and the way you show up in life.

You're so authentic and I love that. And so you said, well, I'm going to tell you something that I think this one is really, really going to make you run away. You also said, what's your priorities in life? You asked me a question about priorities. What's your priorities in life? And I'll tell you why that one was important. And I was like, oh, shoot.

I didn't want this question to happen right now. Go ahead. And then you said. Well, why did you ask this question? Why was it important for you? So this question was very important for me because in the past, I had been in relationships in which,

how do I explain this? You know this. I'm an actor. I'm a producer. I'm a writer. I read my first inspirational book when I was nine years old. And then the second one at nine years old, the third one at nine years old, I was like into all of that world and wanted to. So very early in my life

I found my burning desire I I knew very early in my life that I wanted to be an actor and that I wanted to eventually make movies and so then whenever I started dating my first boyfriend I would ask you know what is your desire? What is that thing that you wake up in the morning and you just have to do, just really have to do it because it makes you feel great and it makes you feel in service or it makes you feeling, you know, whatever that is. And in the past, I've had relationships in which they would say, you. And I would say, in which they would say, you. And I would say, don't tell me that.

Don't tell me it's me because that's a huge responsibility. And this is being coached by my mom, right? I was 15 and asking these questions because my mom always said, if a guy tells you this, that's not necessarily the best. This is a huge responsibility. So I would ask this and when they would say you, I would feel there was something wrong. Right. So then I ask you that question.

You asked me, yeah, you asked me like, I don't remember when this was, maybe two months in? I don't know. What was it? Kind of around this. Probably, yeah. Around this time. Yeah, around that time. A few months of like dating.

Yeah. Probably, yeah. Around this time. A few months of like dating. Yeah. And also I wanted to say, and then, or if they say, I don't know. For me. What my burning desire, my dream is.

Your burning desire, your dream is, that thing that you need to do, that you are here for. If they would say, I don't know. For me, I learned from my experience that I broke up with one of my boyfriends. We kind of broke up together. It wasn't like I broke up with him. Because I was acting and doing my thing. And he was like, I just, I don't have my thing. And I don't know what that is.

That's hard. Yeah, it's hard. So you asked me this question, what are your priorities? And I remember saying to you, at this point, I was like, well, based on what I'm gonna say, I don't know if you're gonna wanna date me after this. Yeah, you said that.

So it was kind of, you said this already in a previous conversation about marriage and kids. Do I see myself in the future around this? And then this was maybe a few weeks later about priorities. And I go, oh, shoot shoot did you have to ask me this because I gotta be honest I don't want to be inauthentic I want to be full integrity but I've never experienced a person before where I told them my priorities and they felt good about it they didn't feel good and so therefore I felt I was failing because they

were not happy okay and so when I told you, I think I- They were not happy with your truth? They were not happy with my priorities, yes. And with your truth? My truth of my priorities. Which is crazy to think of. So I felt like, okay, well let me minimize my priorities so you feel better about the relationship.

Anyways, so you asked me the priorities question, the big question that every man hears at some point from a woman they're dating. What are your priorities? And I said, I'm going to tell you, but I don't think you're going to like this. And I don't think you can handle the truth. Are you sure you want the truth? I said something like that.

Yeah, you did. And you said, yeah, I wanted the truth. I go, are you sure? I think I asked you like three or four times. Yeah, and for me, your truth was the most valuable thing. You said, please. And I go, I just don't know if you'll be able to accept it. And you're not going to like me.

I'm thinking crazy things. I know. What's he going to say? Yeah, exactly. And I said, okay, well, my number one priority in life is my health. And making sure I take time and importance to take care of my health first. That's spiritual, mental, physical, emotional, everything. And making sure that I have time during the day

to do that for me. That doesn't mean I need 10 hours a day of my health, but I need to invest time daily in this. And if I feel like that's being pulled away from me or not supported, then there's gonna be a problem. And I said, no woman wants to hear that they're not the number one priority, at least from my experience. No woman that they're not the number one priority, at least from my experience.

No woman wants to not be the number one priority. And then I said, and you're not going to be the number two priority, but let me give you context, so people don't take this out of context. I said, number two priority needs to be my mission. The thing that I'm driven to do, the thing that lights me up, the thing that I feel I'm called from my Creator to bring out in the world, my creation, my service, my mission. And right now, I've got a big mission. Maybe that changes in the future into a different season of life, but that's not changing anytime soon. That needs to be a huge focus of time and energy

towards that. And I don't want to be pulled away from it because in the past, I had been pulled away. I'm not blaming other people. I allowed those people to pull me away from it, but I felt like I had to pull away to make someone feel happier. And so I was like, I don't want to live in authentically anymore. I'm going to spend a lot of my time and energy on my mission. And I was very clear on what my mission was for you. And I said, no woman wants to hear they're not the number one or two priority. Meanwhile, I was smiling. And then I said, my third priority, this was before we were like committed or exclusive in

a relationship. And I was like, my third priority will be my partner and investing time and energy in my partner and making sure that they are a top priority. But if number one and two is taken care of and supported and seen and celebrated, my partner will feel like the number one priority. They will feel like the most important thing. They will feel they have everything they need. And I think that's the context I want to create for people. It's taking care of my health and energy first so I have more energy to take care of the thing that lights me up the most, the mission that I feel called to do.

And from there, then I can be very joyful and present and giving and creative and fun. And you do. And all these things when we're together. And I can feel peace taking care of my health and a peace when I'm at my work and I don't have to feel stressed that you need me for something. And when I said that, how did that conversation

make you feel when I said these things about priorities? For me, well, specifically for me, for me, it made me feel good because I was like, oh, my God, this is amazing to me. Because, again, going back to if you are that guy's number one priority, it's a huge responsibility. It's almost like saying, you know, that thing like you complete me or I want to make you happy. You don't make me happy, Luis. You make me happier. It's true.

It's true. You make me super happy. So that's what, like, you know what I mean? So for me it's because if the other person fails you and it was your number one priority or you do something that some whatever crushes their heart or something the whole world collapses yes so it cannot for me again this is for me there are all types of different models and paradigms but in the paradigm that I'm in it's not necessarily that

romantic it's not the things that you write movies like if you in a movie in a movie, in a romantic comedy, you hear a guy saying, you're not going to be my number one priority, you're not going to be my two, you're going to be my third. That's not romantic. That's like, that's, this sounds almost anti-romantic, but it sounds very healthy. It does sound healthy. It's super healthy. Because then I know for a fact, if you're not taking care of yourself, how can you take care of me?

It's like in the airplane, right? If you don't take your mask and breathe, how are you going to give your mask to your children? And I think there's a lot of women who have lived by this role of like making everyone else the priority first. You see, you know, certain married women who have husbands and children, where they put their husband and their kids before them and before their own, you know, passions or dreams as well. And so they quiet their voice, they quiet their dreams to serve others only. And a big part of fulfillment is in service to other people. It's one of my core things is being in service to my team, to my mission, my friends, my family, and to you. And you are. I'm a witness to it.

But if I discount my own service to my health and discount service to my dreams, then I'm not going to be, I'm going to lose my voice. I'm going to lose my health and discount service to my dreams, then I'm not gonna be, I'm gonna lose my voice. I'm gonna lose my health. And I'm not gonna be as authentic or, I'm not gonna be as attractive in life as a human being, not in a sexual term, but in an attractive wholeness term, because I'm not gonna be as healthy. I'm gonna feel like I'm discounting myself

and just giving to everyone else. So in some ways there's an appreciation from others, but if you're not giving to yourself what you need and from your creator what you feel like you need to do in life right now, then you're doing a disservice to you. And I think that becomes less attractive over time. And that's where you see challenges in relationships after a long time. Oh, she's a great mother, but she doesn't take care of herself and she just abandons herself to give to everyone else. But then she becomes less attractive or he, you know, something like that. My parents have a beautiful way to put this that I learned. They say we are two individuals that we chose to share our lives together,

right? So my mom is her whole self, my dad is her whole self, and they decided to share their lives together. Once they share their lives together, they call it the pyramid model. So they say God is above all the way, and it's the thread that's through the entire pyramid. You and I, meaning mom and dad, are the top of this pyramid. They're the top of this. And so we come first to each other in that. But we already addressed the individual part.

You, your health, your purpose, mission, your partner, right? Now we're together and so then comes the kids then comes the family the rest of the dogs the pets the dogs the pet the family then whatever the extended family then the friends then the community so it starts getting bigger and bigger because this includes more and more and more people. But a lot of people have disagreements in a relationship because the husband or the wife put the kids first. What happens when you put the kids before your partner? A lot of resentment gets built. And also you're not necessarily giving a good example to the children. Because what

happens is you start creating teams. So like, you know that says hey don't tell your mom but we're gonna do this thing you can't do that because you're saying your dad or your mom your mom is not as important i'm the one that's the good guy and inside that little brain you create a fracture little by little or speaking badly about your partner to your children, you start fracturing their personality. Right. Mm-hmm. It's a good thing you're gonna be disciplining the kids.

Just kidding. I'm just gonna be the fun one that does no disciplining. But I think it's a good model, because, and we've discussed it many, many times. Yes. But again, these conversations are very good to have when you're getting to know the other person. You know, what are your thoughts about spirituality, religion? What are your thoughts about politics? What are your thoughts about?

And most people say, don't bring that up because you create arguments. By all means, bring it up. Because the least of these disagreements you have the more you know what i'm gonna say yeah yeah well i just think it's like 80 of the success is who you choose right of the relationship yeah and i think if you can choose alignment in the beginning or get everything out on the table earlier than later and say, do we align? And if you don't, can you say, do I accept? And if I accept, knowing this is who they're gonna be

forever, do I align with accepting that? And maybe they don't want to raise kids a certain way and that's out of alignment with your values. But could you see it from their perspective and say, okay, it's not what I truly want, but I'm willing to accept this, because I see 80% of everything else is so beautiful that this one thing, maybe it's more of a control thing,

or maybe it's a thing that I was just raised with that I felt like I wanted to do, but I'm okay with letting the control go on this one thing. And can I accept her or him that this may be how it always is, and am I okay with that? And if I'm not okay with that, then maybe you're not the right match, and that's okay too. But that's hard once you've found a connection

and certain compatibilities and chemistry with someone. It's hard to be like, well, maybe I'm going to walk away. Or can you create agreements? So I feel like we've done a great job of, we've been blessed that we have a lot of alignment. Then we've also had a lot of acceptance. We're fully accepting of certain things that you were raised in certain ways that I wasn't.

And we had some things we were raised similar. And I accept it. And I think you accept me for not needing to be a certain way that you were growing up or something. And then we've also created a lot of agreements around any things that could be misunderstandings or potential frustrations in the future or potential arguments. Because they're going to happen. Yeah. And we create agreements consistently. So I think first seeing, are you in alignment? Then seeing, can you create acceptance if there's something you don't want? Can you accept them? And if not,

can you create agreements to support how you're going to address something that's not in total alignment? And when you can do those, I feel like you can create much more harmony in the relationship. Oh, so much more. I love our agreements. And we're constantly creating agreements. You know, like the other day, I made a phone call about some trip that I wanted to do that you were aware of, but you were not aware of, that I literally got on the phone at that one moment, right? And you kind of felt like I threw you under the bus because you didn't know who you were talking to, but at the same time,

you needed to support me in the phone call. And after the whole conversation happened and we hung up, I was like, hey, oops. It's true. And I was like, oh, maybe we can make the agreement that, you're like, I want to support you to succeed.

You said this. But if I'm in the dark and i don't know what i'm talking about just give me context before you make a call really quick because you're excited and it totally makes sense right so then to me it's like but you start making this agreement that's an agreement we don't talk about anything deep or intense or anything after like 11 p.m yeah really specifically when we get in bed yeah because i cannot be my best self and therefore it's going to take so much energy for me to be focused and present and i'm setting myself up for failure so i want to be present for you in challenging or maybe like uncomfortable conversations but when i'm exhausted and put my head down and i'm already

thinking about sleep, I don't have to wake back up to be present. So we made that early on. Yeah, and it's a great agreement. Yeah. Because quite frankly, my brain also doesn't work that well. Although I feel like the female brain is really good. Sometimes women want to just talk all night

and like, I have this and this and this and this, and I'm like, I can't think right now. That's what I said. I think my brain, because us women, probably we kind of collect data in a different way. Ruminate differently. We do. But I'm like, I can't ruminate after a certain hour. No.

Especially when I've already winded down. So it's really, yeah, it's, you know, it's agreements with flexibility. And I think that's beautiful. One of the things I wanted to address in this interview, in this conversation with you is about how you feel about the concept of love not being enough to make a relationship work. One thing. Also, boundaries we should set in relationships with ourselves and with others. Also, what people misunderstand about a shared vision for a relationship. Also, how to navigate. Wait a second. Also, how to face obstacles in relationships in a conscious way. And so many more of the things that I want to talk about, but we don't have more time. No,

we don't. So I want to if you guys wanna hear more about this in another episode. Leave a comment below on this YouTube video or on the podcast on audio, send a message over on Instagram and say yes below in the comments. If you want a part two about love, relationships, intimacy, and all things on all these things

I was just asking about. If you want me to ask Martha these questions and if you want us to talk about them, leave a comment yes below if you want us to do a part two. So if you're really interested, leave a yes. If you're not, maybe we won't do a part two. But if you want to know the answers to these things, go ahead and talk about that. I also want to talk in the future about how you've manifested so much in your career and in your life and how you have created the ability to dream so big and then make reality of these dreams because I think you're one of the best at doing this. And so many other things that I want to talk about. So, again, if you want to hear this or watch this, leave a yes below and let us know.

Also, make sure to watch the movie coming out. You're in the movie. Have you told them you're in the movie? I haven't told them yet. You did it at the beginning. I haven't told them. A little bit at the beginning. I'm in the movie.

So you'll have to let me know. Hopefully, I make the final cut. We'll see what happens. Yeah, you did. I know the producer of the movie. Yeah, exactly. So you'll have to let me know what you guys think. It we'll see what happens i know the producer yeah exactly so you have to let me know what you guys think it's called queens on the run in english if you're you

know watching in spanish it's called fuga de reina yes which means queens on the run on netflix it's coming out early to mid april so make sure to be tuned for that check that out follow Martha y Gareda on Instagram on TikTok on Facebook Martha has an incredible two incredible shows uh in Spanish on YouTube and on audio so we'll have that linked up in the subscri the description below um so make sure you guys check those out you can click on those it's really inspiring stuff so if you are a Spanish speaker by native tongue go listen and watch that because

it's really powerful and the people you bring on is really inspiring yeah very inspiring a lot of therapists a lot of you know again it's like a similar thing it's funny because I was doing that before we met. Yeah.

And we went, wait, what? I know, very beautiful. It was amazing. So make sure you guys check those out. One of them is called Infinitos, which is one that Martha does solo with different guests. And the other one is called De Todo Un Mucho. Muy bien, tu español.

De Todo Un Mucho. He's going to be speaking Spanish. I know, that's my intention. Vas a hablar español. Sí, vamos. Habla tu español. Todo un mucho. He's going to be speaking Spanish. I know, that's me. Vas a hablar español. Sí, vamos. Habla poquito español. Sí, vamos. And so check out both of those shows.

Also, if you just go on Netflix or Apple TV or Amazon and you just type in your name, Marta Higareda, you can see all the past movies that she's done. You can find them kind of on all the streamers. There's different ones on different streamers. So you check them out. If you're Spanish speaking or if you want subtitles in English,

they have them as well. But some amazing movies. I haven't even seen them all. There's over 40 movies you've done. You're amazing at Altered Carbon, which is where I first found out about you, which is an English TV show. But other than that, I am so grateful about you, which is an English TV show. But other than

that, I am so grateful for you. I appreciate you very much. I love you very much. I'm so grateful for you. I feel... I feel this table is too big. It's too far apart. I feel awkward because I'm not like holding your hands this whole time, but I'm so grateful for you. I love you. I'm so grateful for the joy, the peace that you bring into my life. And I'm so glad that we got to start this conversation on the podcast. And I really acknowledge you for teaching me about love in a beautiful way, for showing me that love is really about acceptance.

And love is about celebrating all of you you not just parts of you that are good but all of you so thank you for celebrating all of me and accepting all of me i love you i appreciate you i'm so grateful for you for waking up every morning and living a dream that i get to see you smile and kiss me and hug me. It's a dream. And so thank you for being in my life and for teaching me about love in a way that I've never felt before. I'm very grateful for you.

I love you so much. Thank you. I still feel like I should be next to you, kissing you and hugging you. But thank you very much. Very grateful. And I can't wait to continue to share what we're learning with people here

about relationships, about, and really about the relationship each one of us gets to have with ourselves and how to heal and grow and step into a better version of ourselves. So I want people to follow you, check you out, subscribe everywhere. And I'm gonna ask you your three truths and your definition of greatness so what would be your three truths wait for that i just wanted to say that i'm so

so grateful to experience love with you in the way you love in the way you show up you're incredible to me and you're so unique and i love you not because you are you know an incredible partner and you do all these things and you go beyond your way to make me feel like i'm the number one priority um but because you are unique and your uniqueness is what fills my heart with even more joy and even more happiness. And I wake up every morning, well people don't know this obviously, but I wake up every morning,

sometimes I wake up before you, and then I go, what is he gonna say to me? You know, what is he gonna share? Like, what is the adventure? And that's the thing that life is an adventure you know that that's one of my favorite phrases and every day you go in your mission you go explore the world you go conquer you do share you go in service that's what you do and when you come back home I'm excited to see you and excited to hear what you have to share.

I'm excited to share what is happening in my world. And because I know, how do I explain this? That life, if there's a certainty, is that life is uncertain. And because life is uncertain, it's because I take care of our relationship every day. Yeah. And having the freedom to be me

and hopefully you feel the freedom to be you is one of the biggest gifts we can give each other. Yeah. Te amo. Te amo. Muchísimo. Muchísimo. Okay.

Well, what's your three truths? If all you could share are three lessons with the world and all of your content was erased, movies were gone, this interview was gone, what would you say are three lessons you would share with the world or three truths? Wow, one would be that it's anything that you do,

if you do it in service of others, whereas it's your family, whereas it's your friends, whereas it's your community, anything that you do in service of others comes from that real authentic you that that you that knows that we are here not just for ourselves but to serve and to leave a world that is to leave the world better than how we found it and so in in anything you wanna manifest in life, if you just don't do it just because of you, but if you do it because you're serving another person,

another human being, the fastest you will manifest into real life. It's almost like the universe says, oh, you get it, you get it, that it's not just about you, it's about others. So I think that would be one. it's about others. So I think that would be one. Another one would be this idea that we have of success. I was, you know, I'm very close to my father, and he was doing the garden, and I had this conversation when I was probably like 12 years old, And I said to him, Dad, what is success?

And he said, this moment right now. Me looking at you and the way the sun, because he's a painter, so he's always looking at how things look, how the sun rays are landing on your hair, and how I'm at this moment just cutting this bush and I'm having this moment for me that is success so we don't know about tomorrow we may have all these different dreams and all these different plans and all these different visions of what we want to accomplish what we want to do but that one moment he said I'm being successful right now the third one

would be don't die with your music in you and this is not mine but it's something that I heard that when you who is the story about a guy who's very, very old. He's just about to die and he's in his deathbed and he is very regretful because he says, I had all these melodies that were playing in my head. He was a musician. I have all these melodies that I never, never got to write. And here I am leaving this world and nobody will be able to listen to all the music that lived in my heart. So I think that's a very beautiful, very important lesson for every one of us. Whatever it is that it is your purpose or your mission or the thing that just lights you the most, whereas is being with your family and being

present with them or whereas is being a dancer, whereas is writing that book. Don't die with your music in you. Okay. Love those. And what's your definition of greatness? My definition of greatness is being in the moment, being in love, being in service,

and just enjoying the ride. I hope today's episode inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a rundown of today's show with all the important links. And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me, as well as ad-free listening experience, make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel on Apple Podcast. If you enjoyed this, please share it with a friend over on social media or text a friend. Leave us a review over on Apple Podcast and let me know what you learned over on our social

media channels at Lewis Howes. I really love hearing the feedback from you and it helps us continue to make the show better. And if you want more inspiration from our world-class guests and content to learn how to improve the quality of your life, then make sure to sign up for the Greatness Newsletter and get it delivered right to your inbox over at greatness.com slash newsletter. And if no one has told you today, I want to remind you that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter. And now, it's time to go out there and do something great.