The School of Greatness - Tamera Mowry On Dealing with Rejection, Reinventing Herself & The Impacts of Fame EP 1189

Episode Date: November 15, 2021

Today’s guest is Tamera Mowry. She's an Emmy award-winning host, actress, producer, and entrepreneur who has captivated audiences for over 20 years. Tamera started her career in Hollywood alongside her sister, Tia, on the hit show Sister, Sister, which aired over 100 episodes from 1994-1999. She also co-hosted the groundbreaking and Emmy-winning talk show, The Real, for six seasons. She’s an entrepreneur with her own coffeehouse and coffee line called Barnhouse Napa Brews and most recently she’s one of the hosts on HGTV’s show Table Wars.In this episode we discuss how Tamera dealt with her identity after the end of her first hit TV show, how to deal with self doubt and find inner peace, how to be successful as a parent while also pursuing your dreams, what Tamera wishes she could share with her 10 year old self and so much more!For more go to: www.lewishowes.com/1189Mel Robbins: The “Secret” Mindset Habit to Building Confidence and Overcoming Scarcity: https://link.chtbl.com/970-podDr. Joe Dispenza on Healing the Body and Transforming the Mind: https://link.chtbl.com/826-podMaster Your Mind and Defy the Odds with David Goggins: https://link.chtbl.com/715-pod 

This is episode number 1189 with Tamara Maury Housley. Welcome to the School of Greatness. My name is Lewis Howes, a former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur. And each week we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin. Welcome back, my friend. Today's guest is Tamara Maury Housley, and she is an Emmy Award-winning host, an incredible actress, producer, and entrepreneur who has captivated audiences for over 20 years.

And Tamara started her career in Hollywood alongside her sister, Tia, on the hit show Sister, Sister, which aired over 100 episodes from 1994 to 1999, which is incredible. She also co-hosted the groundbreaking and Emmy-winning talk show, The Real, for six seasons. She's an entrepreneur with her own coffee house and coffee line called Barnhouse Napa Brews. And most recently, she's one of the hosts on the HGTV show Table Wars. And in this episode, Tamara talks about how she dealt with her identity after the end of her first big hit TV show and what that was like trying to get more gigs and try to be an actor in that world. How to deal with self-doubt and find inner peace along the journey.

We dive in on that. She talks about how to be successful as a parent while also pursuing your dreams and goals. What Tamara wishes she could share with her 10-year-old self before she really got into the industry and some emotional moments towards the end as well. So get ready for an inspiring time with Tamara. I'm so excited about this. And if you're

inspired at any moment, make sure to share this with someone that you think needs to hear this message. And if this is your first time here, please click the subscribe button right now over on Apple Podcasts or Spotify. You can subscribe to us over on YouTube. We have almost 2 million subscribers over on YouTube as well. So anywhere you'd like to consume your information, go check us out and subscribe. And I want to give a shout out to our fan of the week. And this is from Sauce. And Sauce said,

a variety of guests and topics touched by these discussions is truly mind blowing and serves to broaden our horizons, whether we agree or not. And I listened to a lot of podcasts, but never have I heard so many different guests genuinely say, wow, that's a great question to Lewis's interrogations. I truly appreciate it and acknowledge you for it. So big thank you to Sauce for that review over on Apple Podcasts and for being the fan

of the week. And yes, I do like to ask those deep and personal and intimate questions because that's where the magic is. That's where the juice is in these interviews. And we definitely go there today with Tamara. So without further ado, in just a moment, I bring you the one and only Tamara Morey. Welcome back, everyone, to the School of Greatness. Very excited about our guest, Tamara Morey in the house.

Good to see you. Thanks. A high five. Yes. High five, connection, intimacy, vulnerability, all of it. I love it. I love that. house good to see you thanks yes high five connection intimacy vulnerability all of it I love it I love that I for anyone watching or listening if you grew up in the 80s or 90s like myself we remember you from the show a sister sister which was a huge hit massive it you still probably get recognized from

that show I do more than anything else or is, was other things starting to get recognized from, where they're like, oh, I just love you from Instagram, or I love you from this thing? From the reel. The reel, yeah. So the talk show that I did, they recognized me a lot from that. Oh, and Twitches. Twitches was on the Disney Channel.

Okay. I played a twin witch, so I'm a twin. Oh, wow. Twitches. Twitches, that's cool. Yeah, it was amazing. I did two for the Disney Channel, and it's when movies did amazing.

It was 21 million people watched that. Wow. In three days. That's crazy. 21 million. That's a lot of people. A lot of people. That's amazing.

I know. So you kind of grew up pre-social media where you were famous, well-known on TV for many years. Yes. And you were young. You were like teen, early 20s into that show. Yes. What was that like being, I guess, famous, if you want to call it that, pre-social media days? And how did you learn to stay confident, not get insecure or let things get to your head at such an early age while achieving that much and being famous on the scene? I know.

I would have to say my upbringing, my environment. My mom, my dad, my grandmother, my aunts, my uncles, they were all very proud of what I achieved at such a young age, but it didn't define me in their eyes. What defined you? Yes, character. Who I was as a person then and who I was becoming. And I feel like that is how I survived. And my parents taught me at a very young age, this is amazing, but it's not going to last.

Really? They're like, okay, one season, maybe two, maybe three. Didn't it go for like five or seven seasons? It went for six. Six seasons, isn't that crazy? Yes five or seven seasons? It went for six. Six seasons. Isn't that crazy? Yes. And I remember being upset at my mother.

We were at the table read, and I was just so excited. And I was like, well, dang, rain on my parade. When did she say that? Was that season one or season? Before we even started. She wanted to set us up for success and in that moment i didn't know what she was doing but as we were you know shooting i learned that i learned to be grateful for every single moment so that when it did end, I was like, okay, it's time to move on. Let's, let's do, you know,

something else. And I was prepared for that transition. And it's because of what she said in the beginning that I didn't like, but she was just, you know, she was very real. And that's the thing about our mom still to this day. If you wanted the truth, you ask her. If you didn't want to hear the truth, don't. Because you were going to get it either way. Now, I've interviewed different actors who said that, you know, some of them, I won't say their names, but they had some big shows, right? They were on for three, four, five, seven seasons or whatever for big shows. And then for years, they were not able to get anything

because they were kind of typecast. And, you know, how did you, especially being even more kind of pigeonholed as a twin actor, which is very rare, it's a very niche role, it was successful, how were you able to reinvent or continue building your career beyond that original huge show? And did things keep happening right away? No.

Or did it take some years where you're like, we're not getting any phone calls? Exactly. So I was prepared for the transition of becoming, as Tim Reed would say, a civilian. Really? I was ready for that. What I wasn't prepared for was the silence of phone calls that happened after that. What do you mean? You calling people and no one picking up or you're not getting calls? Not getting calls.

Or going out for auditions and people just seeing this young comedic girl when you were actually a woman. I was 21 when I ended that show. But I mean, I do have the gift of a young face. Thank God for my jeans. But at the same time, it took casting directors, I think, a while to actually see that I wasn't just this young girl that did slapstick comedy. That I could actually, I can remember going on an audition. I wanted to do a drama. And the casting director looking at me saying, you need to just stick to comedy. Really? Yeah.

After your audition? After my audition. And you think success of Sister, Sister. I won a Kids' Choice Award. Right. Not once, but like three times. Yeah, it's a big deal. The Golden Blint.

Right. That's a big deal. You know, NAACP Image Awards. But what I learned in Hollywood, it's like, I i'm just going to be honest they really don't care you have to you know constantly bring it and constantly grow and in that moment i could have two things could have happened i could have believed her or I could have used it as fuel and that is what I did so I took acting classes really yes after five seven years of being acting consistently on this massive show you

went back into a class and guess what I'm still taking acting class that's great I I always want to learn and I had to learn the art of auditioning and I didn't really cuz I was working for six seven years I forgot how to audition so I pretty much had to start all over I didn't get a series I was 21 when I ended sister I didn't get a series until I was 21 when I ended Sister Sister. I didn't get a series until I was 25, 26. So it was four years. 45 years is a long wait for someone

who's been working consistently. Yeah, and there were moments of doubt. There were moments of, okay, I thought I was just gonna quit. I went to school, I went to college. That's something I always wanted to do. Went to Pepperdine, right? Pepperdine University. I was feeling, I was literally college. That's something I always wanted to do. You went to Pepperdine, right? Pepperdine University.

I was feeling, I was literally, my country accent came out, feeling, I was, well, signing, like filling out a questionnaire to become a private school kindergarten teacher. Because I literally thought I was never going to work. Shut up. I swear. Wow. The moment I filled that out, I got a call. And it was an audition for Strong Medicine. I said these three words before the audition because I was like, I remember

that last lady, what she said. I remember the room. I remember how I was sitting. I remember it. I said, let's do this. Right before I started my audition, do you know they added, not only did I book that show, play Dr. Kayla Thornton, they added it into the show. They added a character. Dr. Kayla Thornton, she says, let's do this. That's cool. So it was, I look back at that and the lesson that that taught me was, you shouldn't let people define who you are, even if they might be right in their own opinion, use that as fuel. And I wanted to make sure that I was doing everything that I could possibly do to progress. Yeah. I wasn't prideful in the sense where I was like,

I don't know what the hell she's talking about. I knew that I had never done, you know, like a true drama. So I was like, hmm, she might be right in the sense of I maybe need a little work there, but she was not right in defining my future. Yeah. I was not going to let someone who didn't know me define my future for me. Amen. Amen. Yeah.

I love it. So when did you start, what was the first season? How old were you? I was 14, and it didn't air until we were 15, 16. So 14 to 21 you were working. Yes, 14 to 21 working. On the show. So how in those four years afterwards,

so you were going to school afterwards, you weren't booking anything, people said, ah, stick to this going to school afterwards, you weren't booking anything. People said, stick to this other type of comedy. You can't do this. How did you overcome the self-doubt? Or were you not doubting yourself? Oh, major. I went into depression.

Really? Yes. Yes. And I was depressed because for so long, I knew exactly where I was going, what I was doing, and then there was an immediate halt. And I was like, what now? Like, what am I going to do? I had this conversation with myself where I was like I achieved so much so young I have so much life to live I guess this is it wow I guess I just achieved it you're at the mountaintop early I've always felt like this sense of concern for Olympians in their teens especially gold

medal winners when they're like 16 gymnasts or something Because you can never recreate the feeling of billions of people watching you Winning a gold medal like and then all the press and the success that comes with it Probably a year or two later. It's like okay. What am I now? How do I redefine? How do I recreate a meaningful life? So this is what i've learned yes you have i mean success means different things to different people that was one aspect of my life that was successful success to me as i got older got older was defined differently and success for me now means happiness no matter what no matter what's happening in my life you know life is a huge it's it's a big i i say it's like big journey

you know and you're gonna have different pockets of these successful moments. If you want to, you know, define them that way, you doing the things that, that you love to do, but it doesn't necessarily mean if I achieved that, that, that didn't mean that was the end of it. It just meant that there was going to be something else that, that, that came along, but I had to go through all those lessons to achieve my next whatever successful moment. But I didn't want, here's another thing that I just realized as I'm talking to you. You don't want those moments of success in your life to define your success as a whole. Because it's not going to happen all the time. It's not define your success as a whole. Because it's not gonna happen all the time. It's not who you are as a whole.

No, it's not. I did shows later that only lasted for a season. But it was still successful to me because it was called Roommates on ABC Family. It was the first comedy that I did after sister sister and it took years to land another one but to answer your question before I was depressed and you know I think the hardest part for me was to acknowledge that this person who made a lot of money at a young age who achieved

a lot at a young age can say they were depressed and in a way I felt weak but you're actually here I am a psych major mm-hmm but in that moment I realized the strength was actually owning up that I needed help in this area. So I started seeing a psychologist. And I worked through that. And you were studying, you have a psychology degree from Pepperdine. But I realized the root of it was I have an issue with change. That's very normal.

Right. It's hard to change. Because I would let those moments define my happiness. But it's inevitable things are going to change. So if you base your happiness on change, change is always happening. Well, yes.

Change. You're going to be like this. I'm happy. I'm not. I'm happy. I'm not. That's where I was going. I was on this crazy emotional rollercoaster. For someone like you, who's your career is constantly evolving, you know, from acting to hosting, you know, producing and all these other things you're doing and involved in. And maybe it'll last for five years.

Maybe it'll last for five months. We don't know. We book it and then they cancel it right away. It's like, I'm sure you've been through all this. I've been through all of this. How do you keep a grounded inner peace through all the ups and downs of potential change? My faith. Yeah.

Knowing that I'm a true believer in God and believing that things happen for me, not to me. So I always like to find the lesson in everything, you know? And I've learned that even within the struggles, God is there. Whereas before I was struggling, what did I do wrong? Whereas, you know, and with life comes wisdom, I've learned that God is in that struggle because we need to learn something here. What I also learned, if you don't learn, you'll keep repeating. I know that.

I can say that to myself. I'm like, damn. Well, I mean, I can say that for like every relationship I've been in, you know, in my past until I started to learn those lessons the hard way. It's like, man, they keep coming to me. Okay, I got to listen those lessons the hard way. It's like, and they keep coming to me. Okay. I gotta, I gotta listen this time. Uh, what would you say is the biggest adversity you've faced professionally then since, since day one of sister sister to now of all those professional experiences, what's been the, the biggest lesson and the hardest thing to overcome? Rejection. How many times have you been been rejected I lost count hundreds thousands

what's that what is that tick-tock more more right probably more more I literally lost count think of it I've been in the business ever since I was 11 well you're what 25 now yeah thanks 43 uh but i mean more than 100 at least and our business is based on that's where we're gonna get deep our business is based on rejection being liked and people telling you how to do things think about it when audition, probably one out of 20 auditions, like dating, you're going to find, you're going to nail it. You're going to get it. You're going to get that part.

Once you nail it, the director is telling you what you need to do better. So you've got the gig, but now change this, change this, change this. But more after that. What? Once you've done your project, you have critics. Of rejection in the world. Yeah, this is bad. You look here weird and this is off and.

In ratings. Wow. Your show is either successful or bombs. Wow. So I had to learn and I'm still learning. I am good enough because at 11, this is what you're constantly going through. And subconsciously,

like I just realized this like a few days ago. Like, I was like, why do I feel this way? Why do I feel this way and When you look back that that's this is my job My job is to audition I either make it or I don't sorry you didn't get the part and I've had to change my perception Because in a way I've been conditioned this way you've been conditioned You're on your own,

just chilling, just vibing, trying out for, you're not good enough. Whereas when you study to be a doctor or whatever, and yes, you still deal with those challenges, but if you have that paper, that plaque in your license, in your, you, no one can tell you not to do your practice and practice you can practice you can work you can work whereas an actress you take your acting class you study that script like I don't know what you give it your

all and then say it's not good enough or no thank man. Next. So what I'm learning in life is you do your best and that's all you can control. Yeah. And there's going to be people out there that just don't like you. And I mean, I can't help that. If you don't like me, you don't like me. If you don't like my craft, okay. So I had to learn this did i like my work did i like my if you didn't like it then what it's what i said in the uh in the beginning let's let's fix it yeah let's go to some acting classes and if you did

like it screw you right yeah i guess i am not your cup of tea. Right. Or this movie was not your cup of tea. And then you have to ask yourself, were there films that you didn't like? Okay. It just wasn't your cup of tea. Right. And it goes back to, you know, everything is happening for you, not to you. Yes. And so maybe it wouldn't have been a good six to 12 months journey with the team or the producer or the director anyways.

You know, even if you wanted it, your faith, going back to the faith, maybe it's protecting you from something or setting you up for something greater next year. Well, yes, and what my sister said recently that became viral is that we auditioned for Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. We did.

You did? Yeah, yep. And? We did not obviously get it. You're right. But. You did? Yeah. Yep. And? We did not obviously get it. Right. But. But we got Sister, Sister.

That's huge. So, boom. You see what I'm saying? So. What would your roles have been for Fresh Prince? Tatiana Ali's character. Lord, I can't remember her, forgot the character's name, but yeah.

We would have been the girl in Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Oh, you would have been splitting the role? One of us would have gotten it so we both yeah and we've we've gone through that too and here's another thing we can talk about we my sister and our twins we look alike we talk alike we used to dress alike and we used to go out for the same roles really who would book the role more it would depend Tia was the Barbie girl after sister sister I immediately well those four years I I got not immediately but I got the the show strong medicine but then it was her turn she got the game so we had to learn when you're going out for the same role and one gets it, because I auditioned for the game. And then once I saw the show, I was like, that role is Tia.

All day, every day. That was great. It helped elevate her career. And in doing so, we would help each other. So she's elevated. Then like, oh, I wonder what Tamir is. If Tia could do that, let's see what Tamir. And this is what we've done. And now we are our own person. We have our own brands. And, you know, we went through this phase where we were like, you need to be like me. No, you need to be like me. And

it was when we looked at each other and we were like, no, God made us differently for a reason. We are, you're my yin to my yang. So I was very, in meetings, the personable, you know, twin. The extrovert. Yeah, yeah. And she was the business one. So she would see and hear everything that people were saying, pick up on things. She would stand up for what wasn't right. And so we made this amazing team.

Now we have our own families. She's doing her own thing. I'm doing my own thing. And we've learned to celebrate our differences and it's okay to be different. Right. There wasn't many twins in TV back then, even now that were I guess the Olsen twins I know the same time, but they were sharing a role right they didn't do the role each at the same time

Did you guys ever have a situation where you were sharing a role really? So we played a girl called Denise on Full House My brother was Teddy Michelle's best friend And that is when I met Candace Cameron, which we're now both on Hallmark and we both have wineries and we're friends now. Candace Cameron played DJ. Yes. What was her maiden name? Beret. So yeah, it's Candace Cameron and her name now is Candace Cameron Beret. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I actually met her. I sat next to her at, do you name now. It's Candace Cameron Bure. Yeah. Yeah. I actually met her I sat next to her at a do you know Val? Yeah, I'm a dance with stars. Yeah. Oh, yeah

She was she's I sat next to her at his wedding. Yeah, she was on dancing with the stars Yeah, yeah, so I met her briefly there. But yeah, she's sweet sweet very sweet and So you guys were on that show together with the Olsen twins. Yeah Wow I mean my sister I babysat the Olsen twins. Yep. Wow. And my sister and I babysat the Olsen twins one time. Swear to God. Swear to God. But you were playing one person.

Uh-huh. That's crazy. Yeah. So we played a girl named Denise. And it was really interesting because I never thought my sister and I looked alike. Shocking. So I was like, how are we pulling this off? But yeah, that was the only time we did it though. We did it once.

Oh, just one episode. Oh, wait, no. What am I talking about? Tia actually played me in Twitches. I was doing Strong Medicine and I couldn't make it. She did not play you. Yeah, in one scene. It's a party scene.

That's amazing. Yeah, but our fans knew it. They were like, and she had a mask on because it was Halloween. And they still knew it. They knew it. They were like, that's not Tamera, that's Tia. And fans knew it they were like and she had a mask on because it was Halloween and they still knew it they knew it they were like that's not Tamera

that's Tia and we didn't say anything for years until like I want to say like three years yeah and I was 26

when I shot that oh my gosh so years we didn't say anything but yeah she played me wow she hated it

she was like I hated it I hated playing you she got paid though she did she got i thought she did a great job yeah so did you guys ever feel like you had a rivalry then or you always been supportive i feel like there was never rivalry there was disappointment when we did our reality show and it's the reason why we left it because never before in our life did it become teen tia teen tamara oh then it was like a competition yeah

and i feel like the producers knew exactly what they were doing in a reality show so it was like, I remember her just being so upset with how they portrayed her and how I was being portrayed. You know, like I'm the crier, I'm this, I'm that. But yes, I do cry. I'm emotional. And it's because I've learned I'm an empath. And I finally have learned that as well. So the reason why I'm very emotional is because I feel, you know how you have your senses? My sense to feel other people's energy and their vibe is heightened. So if you're not feeling well or we're talking about a serious topic, I feel that to the umpteenth degree. Or if we're talking about something sad, I feel that and it could be draining.

So that explains my emotional side. But now I know where it comes from and I'm okay. I'm okay with it. It doesn't mean I'm weak. I'm sure it's hell not weak. It doesn't mean I'm sappy. No, it's actually a superpower. You're connected. And I'm able to put myself in someone else's shoes. Sure. Yeah. What do you feel like has been the biggest

insecurity you've overcome then since you started in your career? I'm overcoming it. I haven't overcome, I haven't overcame it yet. It's the I am good enough. Still. At 43, massive success in your career. You got the marriage, you got kids, you got the family, you got businesses, still overcoming that feeling. Really? I'll tell you why.

Tell me. I started when I was 11. And I've been conditioned that way for over think of that being conditioned for over 30 30 years and subconsciously not knowing what's going on even though I'm a psych major and it's because I had other things going on but I'm once I turned 40 I was like it's now I've been taking care of so many people it's now time for me to take care of myself and that's how I learned that I'm an empath and that's how I learned there were so many elements of myself that I needed to work on and I've worked through those and now it's I'm

dealing with the deep rooted one really and I've been uproot think of a tree that's been planted right and sometimes I don't want to think about because you don't want to tear down trees think of that tree that's just been rooted right an emotional tree an emotional tree yes and you just want to dig it it needs to get he needs to like get out but if it's deeply rooted it's hard clinching on in there yeah it's hard to remove so that is what I am dealing with and we were talking about social media social media didn't help that especially doing a talk show mmm we're getting constantly negative feedback from critics.

I will tell. The way you looked, what you said, your opinions, your values. Oh my gosh. Critiqued. Critiqued, and they knew where to find you. And then let's take it up a notch. Clickbait. Yes.

So they will take what you say. One thing out of context. Put it out of content to fit their narrative of who they think you are and that is what happened for years on that show and i will tell you this being on a talk show and you can take it or leave it it is not a safe place it's not being on a talk show being on a talk show it's not a safe place. It's not. Being on a talk show. Being on a talk show. It's not a safe place. And I wish someone would have told me that because then I would have been prepared. I was not. I wasn't. I learned. So think of going to battle. Yes. But you don't know you're going to battle.

You think you're going to some fun experience. Hey, we're going to play. And then people come and they start fighting. Then you got to grab, you got to grab the trash can shield you know you've got to do all these things and that is what i've learned by doing that talk show that at the end i was fully armed so and you can literally watch the beginning of the season to the end of the season you see this strong warrior and it is life happens for you not to you so i wasn't supposed to know it was a safe it wasn't a safe place really because i wouldn't be who i am now because i probably would have had my girl i would have you know i've learned so much about myself doing that show how many years was that for it was a total of seven seasons if you want to count our kind of

pilot because they aired our pilot So what did you learn from being on a talk show for that long then about yourself again? And I am working on that. I am good enough because Jesus People can say some really horrible untruthful things. Um, I Learned that it is okay not to be perfect. Yeah. It is okay to be vulnerable.

Mm-hmm. And it is okay to speak your truth. Yeah. Just because there aren't people out there who may not agree with your truth, it doesn't mean there aren't many people who don't. Right. And how did you not learn to, guess or maybe who do right right and how and how did you learn not to hold back once you after the first season of being like man this is a war between maybe on the show and comments off the show how did you learn

to continue to speak your truth in your voice knowing there's going to be tons of things out there? Or did you feel like you had to guard yourself and not say things sometimes just to be like, okay. Nope. Because what I found out is I'd rather have people dislike me for who I truly am than who I'm pretending to be. All right. Boom. I like it. That I'm pretending to be. Boom. I like it. That's the reality of it. How do you learn to not let it affect you emotionally

when you care deeply about people in general? I learned. When you're an empath and you're like taking all this stuff in. Boundaries. Yeah. One. Two, they are entitled to their opinion.

Here's the big one. An opinion doesn't necessarily mean a fact. Right. So you can have a hundred opinions about me, but is it a fact? No. So I had to learn you know the is it the there are the four agreements in life I forgot how many there are yeah four agreements don't take anything personally and I didn't want to personally make an

agreement with what that person was saying if it was an opinion. So I had to learn for myself, okay, why is this affecting you so much? One, oh damn, I'm agreeing with what they have to say because it's actually an insecurity of mine. So when you agree to it, that's when it affects you. Yes. So how'd you learn not to agree with it, even if it was an insecurity of yours?

How did I learn? Well, don't take anything personal if they don't know me personally. Right. That's what I had to learn. And then I had to do a lot of inner work. I had to first recognize, this is an insecurity of mine. Oh, God. Why is it an insecurity? So it was a lot of self-reflection.

don't why is it an insecurity so there was a lot of self-reflection that's why that show even though it was not a safe place it has made me who i am today um and it was part of the cards to be a part of my life um so but i i had to ask myself one why does this affect you so much to mirror oh you made an agreement with that. Why? Oh, this is an insecurity. Well, we got to fix that. Why is this an insecurity? Why do you feel this? Then I had to literally be like, okay, is this a fact? Is this a fact about who I am?

Even, and this is what I learned from Jay, too, Jay Shetty. Your thoughts, most of the time, like your irrational thoughts, do not represent reality. So it is important for us to recognize the difference. Is this reality? And then if it is a reality, what are you going to do about it? So my thing is, is yes, let's let's let's always find the solution here so if I'm insecure about this say I was insecure about my weight mm-hmm okay I just had a baby people I was you know people were calling me not people very few oh she's lazy she hasn't snapped back she hasn't I was insecure

about it because I couldn't do anything about it because I had a back problem because I had diastasis recti so you see how I worked myself out of that I did a sigh I self reflected okay I made an agreement with that statement because I am insecure but Tamera why are you insecure about it? Is that a fact? Okay. Yeah. I haven't lost as much weight, but the fact is, is because Tamara, you're in serious pain. You can't work out. Yeah. You're healing. So focus on that. And whoever says that, I'm not going to make an agreement with that but poof be gone and what I've also learned though the same people that hate you on Monday and

Tuesday will love you Thursday and Friday it's crazy right so how do you deal with that you just know people are fickle right and you don't define Who I am mm-hmm God defines Who I am yeah God defines who I am who am I in God's eyes mm-hmm and then if I have an issue with that what are you gonna do about it all right well let's fix ourselves you know like if I have issues if I have what can I do let me go see a psychiatrist let me see a psychologist let me see a counselor let me try to you know I'm always thinking about the solution that's another thing too when you talk on a talk show it's talk talk

talk talk talk talk talk talk talk what are we gonna do about it what are we gonna do about it actions yeah actually so I literally would be like okay but what are we gonna do you know that's where it's sometimes you better want to hear the solution they just want to hear the complaint that's more entertaining that's more more fun and not for all talk shows but you know it's like people human nature yeah it's did you see I guess in the last 32 years 33 years you've been in this industry right through 11 I never did the math you've. You've been around a lot of successful people, people who've come and sustained and grown, people who are big that have gone away in a sense in the

industry. You've been around a lot of famous, successful, thriving people. What do you see as a common insecurity that everyone's had in the last 33 years, whether they're teen star, adult star, come and go? Is it, I'm not good enough? Or is there another insecurity or fear you've seen overall in the industry? I would say, and I can't speak for everyone. Sure, your experience, your observation. My observation, especially women, and even men,

what am I talking about? Because I dated actors in my day. And I would say image. Really? Image. You mean like how they're perceived or they're afraid of how they look? How they look. To themselves or how other people are talking about them?

How other perceive them. Like you always. About their body image. Yes. You always have to look a certain way. them like you about the image yes you always have to look a certain way if you see you see a person come out and be like I'm happy and proud of my curves this is great in the moment they get a hit film where did all those curves go where did all that go or women getting older in the industry. You know, so I would say it doesn't matter how big you are.

So like the A-lister to the D-list. It's always that image. Really? Mm-hmm. It's because we're constantly being seen. Mm-hmm. And you have to make sure you look presentable. You look good or, yeah.

If you're not looking good, you not work yeah unfortunately so how do you i guess in a sense if it helps you stay healthy and accountable to being healthy consistently that's good but if it's like obsessive over like i need to do this to like get the gig or you know you literally have explained how i have changed my perception on how i handle that aspect of the business i say well the positive side is is that it is going to keep me healthy as long as i stay healthy and and I live in Napa, by the way. Amazing food, amazing wine. I'm a foodie. I can just eat my heart out because food is a pleasure to me. But what I've learned is as long as I'm staying healthy, that's what matters.

I don't want to get to the point where I'm emaciated. I'm not healthy. But there are women in this business. You can tell, they don't eat. They don't eat. They don't, and you can see it. When you go out to dinner, when you go out, it's just, they don't eat.

And I was like, well, hell. I don't care. I'm gonna have the bread, please, thank you. I'll just have one serving a day when I'm going to have it. Yeah. That's true. And what is, speaking of image and social media, you know, you were, had big shows pre-social media. Yes. Then you've grown into, you know, your own big following on social media.

How have you learned to not let your image define you on social media and use it for good in terms of connection and creation and promotion and not like question you know am i always in the perfect filter the angles like uh so how have you subconsciously uh-huh and i as you can tell i keep it real yeah with the change of the algorithm recently like what the hell yeah has happened here I didn't realize that my self-value was in those likes Wow cuz at one point and I'm human that's why I'm because for so long I was like killing it killing it killing it killing it, killing it. Woo-hoo. And then now all of a sudden, I'm like, what the hell happened here? And I knew. Did you go back to I'm not good enough?

I had a moment, yeah. With the engagement. If you're like, okay, I'm getting a million likes on a photo and a video, and now I'm only getting half a million. It's still a half a million people, but psychologically, what was happening? Yeah. Like I said, subconsciously, I was getting my value there. And I had to have that moment again, being like, hey, look, I'm not doing this. And you have to mean it.

You can't just say it. You do. You have to mean it. Mm-hmm. But, you know, what is your purpose for this Instagram, you know, whatever? What is your purpose for this platform? Okay, you answer that. Are you proud of the work that you have put out there?

Yes. Does the likes and the views, does it define you? Does it define you, your character, who you are as a person? No. What I had to shake was, does it define your content? Like, you know, are people liking this? Are you wasting your time putting stuff out if people aren't seeing it but I had to realize that that's what it is that it's not your it's not what you're you're you're putting out it's just the way things are seen now it's completely different and are you willing to conform to what is hot what is what is trending right now what is and if you are and it's who you

are get it girl you like it yeah it's something you enjoy get it yeah but if it's not who you are are you going to conform to become that just to be seen that is the question you have to ask yourself yeah that's interesting and so is that question you have to ask yourself. Yeah, that's interesting. And so is that something you dance with sometimes? Yes. And that is kind of like, because you have to play the game. Of course. It is a game, but I am only willing to play the game authentically. Yeah, that's good. And that is how I am dealing with, to answer your question. I can be very loquacious, sorry. It takes me a while to get to the point, but that is how I am dealing with that. So sometimes, yes, you know, like in business, you've got to mingle. Maybe you don't like to mingle. Maybe you just want to be quiet,

but you have to mingle. You have to meet people. So Instagram, social media, things are trending, whatever. So you have to play the game somehow, but make sure you're doing it for all the right reasons. Because what's going to happen is you're going to continue to chase. The algorithm is going to continue to change. Then you're going to change constantly. Then you're going to change constantly. Then you're going to do this. Who am I?

What am I doing? Oh, my God, I don't like myself. Oh, my God. I can't. No, life is too short to live that way. So I like to step back, look at what's happening and say, okay, how can I authentically do this? And if it presents itself, it presents itself.

If it doesn't, I'll catch the next wave. There you go. Yeah. Until it does. You don't have to be hot every moment, you know, media yeah that's good so as long as I'm doing what I as long as I'm being authentically me along the way that is what matters because I can tell you I've never bought a follower I have never boosted a personal post if I have done boosted a personal post. If I have done an ad, you know, they like to do that, totally fine.

But for my personal self, I have never done that in my entire life. I couldn't sleep at night. Then you have to ask yourself, why are you doing it? You're only doing it to feed your own ego. And you're doing it to validate yourself. That's dangerous. Right.

That's dangerous. You don't want to fall into that. Yeah. You don't. It's easy. Like I said, it caught me. I was like, oh my God, where did all my likes go? Or that one day when Instagram like broke down and I was like, what the hell?

I only got zero likes. This is it. And then you're like, whoa, why I was like, what the hell? I only got zero likes. This is it. And then you're like, whoa, why do I? Oh, wait. Yeah. So, yeah. I'm dancing with it. Dancing with it.

I like it. If you could go back to 10, right before you're going to get into this journey, you know, of a big, massive show and then, you know know the career you've had with all the ups and downs if you could tell the 10 year old version of you three things to look out for and to be aware of for the next 33 years of your career and life with dating and and the business and family and fame and what would you say to that 10 year old version of you i would say make sure you're doing this for all the right reasons because you have to understand in this business no matter how many times

they say they love you they like you it is business a product. And they will cut you out in a moment. The gifts stop, the phone calls stop. Really? Yeah. Boom, just like that. So make sure that you stay present and realize you are doing this because you love it. It is your craft and um enjoy it yeah don't let the rejection the ratings or the reviews

get to you um keep your eyes on the passion and i just made that up right now keep your eyes on the passion. And I just made that up right now. Keep your eyes on the passion. Realize why. Realize the why. Why you're doing this. Why are you doing this right now? I love to act in the sense of I love telling a story. Yeah. of I love telling a story.

And if you notice all the things that I do, I want the story to impact a person in a positive way. I realize what theater, the theatrics, whatever, I realize what it can do to the human soul. You can be having the worst day. You turn on a film. It can make you laugh. It can make you feel, you know, cry.

It can make you learn. It can make you feel like you're not alone. If you're going through a divorce, you're going through whatever, and you see a film of a woman going through the same thing that you're going through and you see that she persevered and you see a little bit of yourself in her it can change your life yeah that is why I do it and in doing so I want to make sure that I'm doing the best that I can, and that's why I'm always learning.

Second thing I would warn myself is to realize that, hmm, damn, I had to learn this the hard way. And I hate saying the word enemy. But sometimes the people that are closest to you are not for you. Really? I've had people try to use me to get in my films. It's called the opportunist. I've had, and I thought we were friends. Like, friends. friends be prepared not everybody

around you is on your team right three is the one that I'm working on now don't let the rejection of this business tell you you're not good enough mm-hmm and I feel like this is something that everyone can relate to because it doesn't matter where you are in life. People need to know that they are good enough. They are good enough. As long as you are trying to be your best. And that's what I'm trying to do each and every day. I'm not perfect.

I will never be perfect, nor do I want to be. Boring. But yeah, know you are good enough. And I know I always say, don't let this stuff define who you are, but it's a constant battle. Yeah. I've got a few final questions for you. Okay. I respect your time. I guess you've been married for 10 years, you were saying, 17 years together.

Yeah. What is that like being, you know, in a long-term committed relationship while being in the business where it seems like people don't last that long in this industry?

How are you, how have you been, I guess what's the biggest lesson you've learned about intimacy and long-term committed relationship, marriage, and being a mom, while pursuing your dreams? I'm exhausted.

And how do you make it all work? How do you navigate the intimate relationship side of things while pursuing dreams and being a mom? I realize that when I say yes to something, I'm saying no to something. So saying yes to a job is saying no to being there those days for my children. And what am I going to do with that?

And that's been challenging. I'm going to say it is challenging. I'm not going to say it's hard. I mean, I'm not going to say hard is like challenging means there's always a challenge that we need to work at now more than ever my husband and i were connected um i love him more than i ever have because it's deeper that's beautiful yeah but you're honest with each other which is the key that was the key and you have to but this is the thing it's like some people are like i don't know if i can be honest with them. Then why are you guys together? Like you need, that is what makes a relationship a long. And then we had to be honest. Are you okay with me being away all this time?

Yes, I support you, but it would be nice if you can maybe do three or four projects a year or whatever. Not 10. Yeah. Do you see what I'm saying? So we had those honest conversations that's beautiful yeah honesty is the key that's what helped you get through it that's cool and with yourself too you need to be honest what do I need yeah okay I've got a three or four minutes with you left so I'm gonna bring it to I wish I

could go more because this has been powerful so I appreciate you opening up like this before we get to the final couple questions you got a show out right now called table wars what it is and how we can watch it you can watch it on HDTV starting November 14th I host the show with the amazing Martha Stewart and she like she's a force let me just tell you she is elegance like she like? She's a force. Let me just tell you. She is elegance, like chic, like in the dictionary. Chic Martha Stewart. But to make a long story short, it is a show about tablescaping. Tablescaping is when you basically set up your table for an event.

So whether it is a Thanksgiving meal, a Christmas dinner, a wedding, a bridal shower, a birthday party. You always have that table, you know, looking gorgeous and beautiful. And we have people from all over the country come in and compete and they win $50,000. That's a lot. So there you have different challenges. They have tables, they have like a seven, you have an hour to go create this thing. It's amazing what they're like throwing stuff together and they're like. Yeah. It's kind of like cake wars for table. 100%. Yes.

I like it. It comes out November 14th. How long does the season go for? We did six episodes. Six episodes. Great. HGTV. HGTV.

Amazing. November 14th. Yes. And I love it. You and Martha are like the hosts, the judges, like everything. And Chris Hesney, who is her like protege. Okay, amazing. He's awesome.

Okay, I'm excited to check this out. Oh, thanks, it's visually stunning. I'm excited. People gotta follow you on social media as well. You got great content over there, so we'll have that all linked up. And I recommend leaving in the comments on YouTube the part of this interview that you enjoyed the most

for people watching and listening. And also to message her on Instagram, or send her, you know, take a screenshot, post it on Instagram, let her know you're listening for sure. This is a question I ask everyone at the end called the three truths. So I'd like you to imagine a hypothetical scenario that many years away from now, it's your last day on earth. Wow. And you get to accomplish everything you've ever dreamed of. Everything you want to have happen,

it happens. You get to create, you get to make all the good stuff, it all happens. But for whatever reason, you got to take all of your content with you when you go to the next place. It's your last day. Every show, this interview, books, content, movies, it all goes away. So no one has access to your content anymore. Okay. But you get to leave behind three things you know to be true from all your lessons in life. And this is all we would have to remember. Okay. What would be those three lessons or three truths you would share with the world?

Strive to leave this world better than you found it. Mm-hmm. Live your authentic life. Don't strive to be like anyone else. And, oh God, the third one. Living authentically yourself is, I read this book, The Alchemist. Yes. I read this book, The Alchemist.

Yes. And what I learned is, ultimately, you make your decisions. You make it. You can be inspired, encouraged by other people, but ultimately, that is your choice. Yeah. Those are the three.

That's beautiful. One final question, Tamara. Yes. Before I ask it, I want to acknowledge you for being an incredible gift in the three. That's beautiful. One final question, Tamara. Yes. Before I ask it, I want to acknowledge you for being an incredible gift in the world. Oh, my God. Don't make me cry. The way you've shown up consistently as someone in the industry, to set an example, as a really courageous, authentic woman. Thank you.

For 30 plus years of the ups and downs, it's been beautiful. Thank you. woman for 30 plus years of the ups and downs has been beautiful. Thank you. The way you show up for your sister and not being in competition, but being in collaboration is beautiful to witness the way you show up and being authentic in your content from personally on social media, but also on TV and movies. So I really want to acknowledge you for just being a beautiful gift thank you

and bringing joy to so many people look at this there goes the emotional side of me coming out I know how hard you work and I know how much you show up for yourself and for so many people

and it doesn't go unnoticed. Thank you so much. That is so sweet. Of course. Of course. Thank you. Great. I have one final question.

What? Now my teary hands. It's okay. It's okay. You always say you have a final question, but it's not your final question. I promise. This is it. Okay.

It's what's your definition of greatness? Definition of greatness is kind of like what you just said. Recognizing the gift that you have, because I believe each and every person in this life has been gifted with something. Realize what your purpose is and share it with the world. Don't hold on to it. Share it. So, yeah.

Appreciate you. Thank you very much. Oh my God, you're so amazing. Thank you. Thank you so much for listening. I hope you enjoyed today's episode and inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full rundown of today's show with all the important links. And also make sure to share this with a friend and subscribe over on Apple podcasts as

well. I really love hearing feedback from you guys. So share a review over on Apple and let me know what part of this episode resonated with you the most. And if no one's told you lately, I want to remind you that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter. And now it's time to go out there and do something great.