The School of Greatness - The HARSH Truth About Relationships That You Need To Know EP 1355

Episode Date: November 30, 2022

Jillian Turecki is a certified relationship coach, teacher and writer who for 20 years has taught others how to transform their relationships with themselves. Fueled by an insatiable curiosity about what makes a relationship thrive, Jillian has helped thousands through her teaching and writing revolutionize their relationship with themselves so that they transform their relationships with others. Be sure to check out Jillian’s new podcast, “Jillian On Love”In this episode you will learn, The three biggest reasons that most relationships fail.The makings of a toxic relationship and how to avoid them.Conversations to have with your partner to create a conscious relationship.How the path to healing comes from being in the right relationship.Tips on how to peacefully end a relationship.For more, go to lewishowes.com/1355

Every relationship we've ever had will reflect back to us the relationship we have with ourselves, period, end of story. And if you can't, if one cannot actually accept that, they're just going to keep you. Welcome to the School of Greatness. My name is Lewis Howes, a former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur. And each week we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin. What would you say then are the three main reasons most relationships fail, don't work out? Lack of connection, for sure.

Feeling like they're distant from each other, but they don't know how to create that same emotional intimacy. They don't know how to reconnect or they don't know how to... Yeah, they don't feel understood. They don't feel seen. They don't feel like... Usually what inspires us to commit to someone in a relationship is that we feel very connected to them. Why does it leave?

How do they get disconnected? So, you know, the number one reason that I have seen is stress. People not managing the stress in their lives. They don't have the tools on how to manage or how to regulate their emotions. Exactly. And how to face the demands of life. And the thing is you don't have to know how to face every demand of your life. You can be stressed out.

But it's the chronic stress. Because when you're chronically stressed, and I've experienced this before myself, and I've seen this in countless people, right? When you don't have the tools to deal with the demands of your life, and maybe some of the demands are huge. Maybe they're not so huge, but it's the way you're seeing them that they're so huge. Then you start to disconnect from yourself. Your nervous system gets completely dysregulated

you don't feel like yourself and then what happens is that when people are stressed out it's like they're shut down for business when it comes to their partner because we if you haven't experienced I don't know if you have when you're really stressed we become obsessed with ourselves we become obsessed with the problem we become obsessed with the problem. We become obsessed with not knowing where there's a way out. And look, sometimes stress is really, really intense and heavy and real and traumatic. But when we're in that, we're not actually connecting with the other person. We're not present with each other. And so when it's, of course it's going to happen once in a while right we get mindless in our relationship sometimes we can be the most conscious self-aware person

but sometimes we will be just mindless when it comes to the person we love but yet if it's over and over again if it's over weeks if it's over months if it's over years and then all of a sudden you're like you haven't had sex in months or years or you haven't you haven't truly connected like you haven't had conversations where you're looking at each other in the eyes you haven't had the physical and emotional intimacy and so that is really and it's like those two people, they would say, yeah, I still love this person. Right. And then once it gets really real, then they're like, I don't want to lose this person. I want to go back to the way it was.

So I would say that stress and then taking each other for granted would be the second reason why relationships fail. each other for granted would be the second reason why relationships fail we we basically when we start seeing someone and we're falling in love with them we pour into them all this love and appreciation and we see them and we're grateful yeah they're a gift exactly and then life happens and all of a sudden they become a given right and so this person who you once saw as a gift becomes a given and then people feel totally taken for granted and that leads me to number three which is resentment people don't have the difficult conversations they feel unseen they feel unheard and then you take someone for example who hasn't learned for various reasons how to assert themselves how to say what it is that they need how to have the difficult conversations how to

have the courage enough to dare to rock the boat of the relationship and create boundaries or whatever it might be or create or create bridges you know that i mean it might be. Or create bridges. Mm-hmm. You know, I mean, it might be a boundary that leads to a bridge. I mean, the whole point of a boundary is so that there's more connection, not less. Right. So then they stew in their own resentment, and it becomes like bloody hell for the person. You know, it becomes like contempt, and then all of a sudden you're looking at that person and you're like i hate them they love them but you're like i hate them and so it's the stress it's a taking people for granted and the resentment and the stress

i think is the bigger umbrella under which all the rest rests do you feel like people should even enter into a committed long-term relationship if they don't, if they haven't yet figured out the tools for managing stress in their own life? No, I think that they can, but they can learn the tools while they're in a relationship. But if they don't learn the tools in the relationship, then what? Then it's going to be a problem. I mean, so let's just say someone doesn't know how to manage their stress, just their day to day stuff, right? Like everything is a big deal or they're freaking out over money, they're freaking out over this or that. And they come home and they're just always on their phone dealing with their stress. And then their partner's like, well, what about me right you know and then it gets really tiring it's like well what about me and then then then partner b will say we'll try to like maybe like if they're super codependent like overcompensate like let me help this person with their stress let me heal them because that

wanting to heal their partner of their stress is just so they can get their partner back back to peace back to a place of like yeah we're together're together. Yeah, we're together. Like, you know, like you love me again. You're looking at me again. I matter again. Yeah. So stress, what I'm hearing you say, based on all the conversations, the coaching that you've done with people, if people can learn to minimize their stress or navigate their stress in a healthier way, then they can get back to being there with their partner in moments that matter and showing them the affection, the attention, or the presence that your partner needs. It doesn't mean you have to be perfect every day, but it's like you're consistent in that attention. Yes, exactly. Because what happens when we're really stressed is that we get in our heads and we ruminate and we obsess

analyze analyze I mean you know I've been the queen of that so I can speak very confidently about that you know and I and most people just it's hard not to live in your head you one needs consistent daily practices to not live in your head. Now, some people have a natural proclivity to really go with the flow of life more, but I see that way less than I see people who live in their heads. And so let's say you have one or two people and they're in a relationship and they're always in their heads. They're not connecting. With the other.

Yeah, they're not connecting with the other, exactly. with the other yeah they're not connecting with the other exactly and so that really is the cause of so many relationships ending that not enough people talk about is that like a personality type thing to be aware of like understanding when you're meeting someone are they an analytical person who's always in their head if so just because they're charismatic in one way or just because they're talented here or because they have status doesn't mean it's going to be a great relationship long term. Yeah. I mean, it's a good question. I mean, I think that there are a lot of people. I struggle to put people in too many boxes because I've also known people who can be

credibly neurotic and analytical and in their heads and brilliant that way, but somehow they just make their lover feel like a million bucks. And yes, maybe sometimes they get two in their head, but they're really responsive to their partner's feedback when they're like, you've been two in your head. And they're like, okay, I'm going to wake up. Right, right. Because we're not perfect. But then you got to find someone who's responsive to feedback. And that's actually receptive to it. And that's the more important skill. Not to not never be, you have to have

important, you have to have daily practices to deal with your stress, but life happens. But to be responsive to feedback, I feel like that's really one of the most underrated relationship skills. You have to, you have to, I've actually just been really one of the most underrated relationship skills. You have to, you have to, I've actually just been talking about this recently a lot. So I guess here we go. When you're in a relationship with someone, it's so important. And you and I talked about this a little bit to have an aligned vision of how you can't be the same, but you have to have an aligned vision of how you want your relationship to be, how your lifestyle you want it to be. And in that, if there's real true emotional intimacy between two people, they're going to know, like you're going to know what is most important to your girlfriend,

to your partner, however you call her, right? And she is going to know what's really important to you separate from the relationship, right? You're going to know what's really important to you separate from the relationship. You're going to know what their path is. And they're going to know what your path is. And I think that a relationship skill that's really worth honing is holding each other accountable to that. Meaning, if we see that the person we love is veering off their path too much, that the person we love is veering off their path too much to be able to compassionately and with a lot of love just saying I love you but like what's going on I think that's yeah that's the approach it's interesting because when I first started dating Martha my girlfriend I was like listen I'm my intention is to never get mad or react at you about anything you do.

Now, this was after months of us dating and me really getting to know her and me then being in full acceptance of who she is as a person, not trying to change her, not saying I wish she did these things, not saying she has the potential to do something. This is who she is. And I'm choosing to accept you fully for who you are. And so I said, but I have certain standards that I want us to create agreements on. So we talked a lot about these things early on. And one of them was never to jump to judgment at me without context, right? Without like compassionate context and support. I was like, this is something I'm working on where it's like, if I feel like someone's just jumping at me with judgment, it's hard for me to receive it.

It's hard for me to receive it, especially if I feel like I've been showing up fully, if I feel like I've been putting in the energy and the attention and I've been, you know, being there in the relationship, say that I've been being there, you know, create the context first and be like, man, I really appreciate how you showed up in the last few days around this or this and this. And it's just one thing I want to talk about, which I feel like it's been on my mind that I want to give feedback on or however you want to communicate it. But start with the, like, you've been showing up amazing.

If I have been, you know what I mean? Start with the things that I've been doing well Yeah, so I can be like oh I feel seen I feel supported. I feel acknowledged. Okay, great Now if you want me to bring attention to something else that you saw that maybe I could be better at cool Bring it to me. I'm open ears, but give my heart open first. Don't let me put up a block You know what I mean? And I think think just communicating like how you want to receive feedback is important too. So you have an agreement around it. I think that's wonderful.

I think that's wonderful. I mean, no one responds well to criticism. And people in general have a habit of focusing on what's missing rather than focusing on what's actually there. Yeah, and people, the thing is, is that I'll add to the list of what destroys relationships. Yes. Selfishness.

And that's a really triggering word for a lot of people because you don't have to be a selfish person to become selfish in a relationship. You can be a giving, loving person where none of your friends would ever describe you as selfish. But when we feel threatened and uncertain in our relationship, when we feel scared in any way, we go into fight or flight. And in that moment and in those moments, fight or flight and in that moment and in those moments we can only think about getting our needs met and survival mode we go into survival mode and we don't and we think they have to change they have to do this they have to do that because if not then somebody's going to get wrong somebody's going to go wrong in our relationship so people get very very fearful

understandably because no one wants to be rejected by someone that they love so we go into fight or flight even if it's like the kind of fight or flight that feels super subliminal and it's going on for months and we are thinking again how can I get my needs met how can I get my needs met and then we go like for a we'll say okay Louis is veering off you know I have I have I have something that I have to tell Louis and instead of you know saying let me instead of thinking to oneself let me not just open up their heart so that they're more receptive to me, but let me open up my heart so that I can really appreciate inside of me how wonderful this person is. I can see their beauty and I can see who they are and then bring up the the feedback not the criticism bring the vulnerability and the intimacy to the conversation from yourself first yes in order to create that space for the

courageous conversation to happen absolutely but it gets complicated because people get really scared you know they feel unseen and the resentment builds up. And so it's like it's a peeling away of the onion to really figure out what's happening. But the answer is always simple. It's just not easy. Yeah. Something I do with Martha, I don't know if I do this every week,

but frequently I'll say, what can I do to be a better partner? Is there anything I can do to be a better partner? And she hasn't said anything yet. She's like, you're an amazing partner. But I think it's because we're so proactive in the conversations. And I have this kind of philosophy

that I've been putting together recently about how the best approach to enter a conscious relationship, to minimize as much friction as possible and be in more of a state of peace and harmony and alignment rather than survival and stress. And I think from a lot of the pain that I've been experiencing over the last 20 years, it got me to have some wisdom around this by applying something differently. I want to see if you can poke a hole through this, my philosophy. I've said it on here a few times, but I want to say it again for people who maybe haven't heard it. It's eight kind of keys to entering into a relationship. The first part is working on

your own healing journey, being aware of all your triggers, all your traumas, and working on the healing journey. I think healing is a journey. It doesn't mean it's like you're healed overnight once you start talking about it. But have an accountability process where you're integrating the healing experience. Whether that's a therapist, a coach, you're committing to doing something to process this in your own way before entering. If you're going to enter and you don't do that, then I think you have to learn the tools of how to heal with that person. I think we're all going to be healing throughout life as challenges arise, but of the past traumas, so you don't

bring them into the new relationship without being aware of them. That's step one, healing. Step two, when you're getting committed with someone, before you get committed to someone, again, this is for a less friction relationship. It doesn't mean it's not going to be perfect. There's going to be challenges and adversity that comes. But to minimize the stress is to find alignment on love languages. So that the way you show up, we were talking about this before,

the way you show up naturally and the way you give love is how someone wants to receive it. You know, for whatever reason I tended to choose people that wanted like gifts and acts of service. And it was always like, I don't care about giving gifts, but I'm like an affectionate person and I like to tell you what I like about you. I like to use words and affection. So it was always like I had to become someone I'm not naturally good at for someone to feel loved. So it doesn't mean you have to be perfect, but like being in alignment

of your love languages, that the way you show up is naturally how someone receives love and vice versa. Again, friction, less friction. That's the goal. Not perfect. That's two. Number three, four, and five is being aligned on your values, vision, and your lifestyle for life. I think if you have completely opposite values, it's going to be challenging.

You might have a chemical connection in the beginning, but eventually when your values are off, there's going to be friction. Same thing with the vision of your life and a relationship. What do we want? Do we want to have kids together? Do we want to be raised in a religion? How do you think about money? Like the vision of where is this relationship going?

Love or that chemical feeling of love is not enough if the vision is two opposite ways. And then lifestyle. Do we like to go out and adventure? Do we like to travel together? Or does one person want to be out all the time and drinking and the other person wants to be at home watching Netflix that's just going to be more friction and one person has to sacrifice who they are to make someone else feel more connected as opposed to both having a shared alignment doesn't have to be perfect, but some similarities there.

So that's three, four, and five. And then six would be, this was, I don't know if this is unpopular or not, but I told Martha before we got committed, we were dating for a number of months, right? I said, the only way this works for me is if we both commit to therapy together from the start. Together as a couple. As a couple and individually. Because healing is a journey and processing and integrating is a journey. And a big value of mine is personal growth. And that means both of us individually and together.

Because if one is growing and the other one's like, I'm good, I don't need to learn anymore in life, there's gonna be a disconnect. So I said, I've always wanted to do this. No partner I've wanted to have been with in the past wanted to do this. And I'm not gonna abandon myself anymore. And if that's not something you wanna do, then cool.

Then we don't need to be together. It's fine. If that's not a value for yours, to have personal growth and accountability of our emotions, cool, then we're just not a good fit. It's all good. And she was like, yeah, I'm down. And it's been incredible because at any moment there is some friction or like, oh, this doesn't feel as comfortable. We take it there and we address it early as opposed to when it's late and you're stressed out. We address it. We figure out what's the root cause of that feeling. And we create an agreement that we both align to. So we have a shared language and agreements. And we have a third party who

has witnessed the agreement. So one person can't say, oh, you never said this, right? Which always tends to happen. We agreed to this 10 years ago. No, I never said that. Just having that accountability and responsibility on both parties and both individually growing. Once that has happened, those six things, me saying, okay, before I fully commit and accept you in this committed relationship, again, doesn't mean it's gonna be perfect,

all these things, but before I commit, my relationship has to be a relationship of service. And we need to have a shared value that service is at the heart of our relationship. Service of each other, service of ourselves to make sure we're taken care of individually, and then service of our community and the world. However that looks,

as big as small as we want to make it, but it can't just be about us. It needs to be something bigger than us when we come together. And are you open and aligned to a service-based relationship? You are not messing around. Not messing around. Why? Why go through suffering and pain without having clarity and finding alignment? She was like, yes, service. Let's do it. Great. What does this look like? Having those conversations and being aligned. It doesn't have to be perfect. It's being aligned. That's number seven. Number eight is once that's all taken care of and you're witnessing behaviors matching words, which is really important. Some people could say this is a value but not show up in life that way, right?

They can say I'm in service but then they don't. You know, all these things. So having the time and space to witness actions based on their words and behaviors. Then saying I fully accept the human being you are before committing. I fully accept I'm not going to change you. I'm not going to get upset at I'm not going to get upset at you. Because why would I get upset at you? Why would I get angry? If I have an alignment of all these things, what could possibly make me upset? That means I don't have the tools for stress

management or emotional regulation. So if I fully understand who you are and I accept you, then I shouldn't be upset. We can have conscious conversations that maybe they're uncomfortable. Maybe it's like, oh, I didn't like that, but I should never raise my voice. I should never yell. I should never get to these places that are unconscious. If we have consistent therapy, if we're in alignment, we've created agreements, we communicate conscious

and lovingly with each other. And that means you need to fully accept the human being I am. I travel, I've got my business I got these things I got my priorities and you're an actor you're you know on set with guys you're kissing guys in movies I have to accept that's who you are you know or what you what you've done in your acting life in the past right am I okay with that knowing I don't want to change you. And once that, and we both need to be in agreement of acceptance of each other. That was the kind of the eight steps that I've been like discovering and creating over the last couple of years that has, again, supported a healthy, conscious

relationship. Again, it's not perfect, but supporting less friction. More peace and harmony, more love, and less stress. Which I think is what people want in a relationship. They don't want to enter a stressful relationship. No. They want to feel peace and love. Yes. And again. In theory.

In theory, right? Yeah. Unless they're used to that. Yes. And they're familiar with it. And they enter because of what they're familiar to. But it's been a beautiful process being in partnership with someone who is also in alignment, right?

And who is willing to go on the same journey. And I'm not saying this is a, these types of conversations are what people want to have with each other. But I was just like, I'd rather be single and in peace than enter an unconscious relationship. Yes. So I don't know if you'd add or take anything. Yeah, I want to take a stab at this. Because you're the expert.

Yeah, I want to take a stab at this. So I'm curious, I have a question for you. I'm curious, so what does commitment mean to you? How long did it take until you were like, okay, I commit to you? Three months, yeah. Three months of... Was it exclusive for three months?

It was, we did not go there sexually for three months. Okay. Right? So there was a dating period for three months. And I said... So you waited. I said, I'm waiting. I'm the one committing.

I committed. And I said, I'm waiting. We're not doing this. And she was like, yeah, cool. I wish for more. And that's what I tell all my single parents. And that was the best decision because chemical confusion is one of the hardest things to overcome. The sexual chemical bonding confuses you from spiritual connection.

It's cracked. You will forget all these values. You're just like, oh, I love this feeling spiritual connection. It's crack. You will forget all these values. You're just like, oh, I love this feeling. Absolutely. It's crack. And lust is not love. Maybe that's step one, wait. Yeah. And this is what I teach singles all the time. Wait. Well, how do you know you're going to commit to someone if you don't know how it's going to be sexually? Okay. Still wait. Still wait. Because I say say you can't even know if someone is worth your time if you don't feel safe with them if you can't safely express an opinion when you're around them and if you can't get certain just core needs met i think that's huge

yeah exactly because that's like that's like the baseline baseline and if you don't have the same values forget it but if you just don't feel safe around someone yeah you don't feel I mean obviously the values you don't feel safe around them you feel like you can't express yourself you feel like you can't be yourself you know if you're loud you can't be loud with them if you're really timid you can't be a little timid you just can't be you if you're not accepted they don't have sex at the very base level you know know, like, or appreciated, you know? The thing, so that list is extremely comprehensive. And, you know, personally, I love it.

There's some things, though, that I'll just poke some holes. I don't know if I'm going to poke holes, but it'll be an interesting conversation. I don't necessarily believe therapy is for everyone. conversation. I don't necessarily believe therapy is for everyone. What is the alternative towards emotional accountability and integration consistently? Because I'd love to know. Yeah. Well, some people, some people, they work with a coach. I look at it as coaching. Oh, you look at it as coaching too? Okay. I look at it as a coach. Or a therapist. Okay. Or a mentor, like, you know, like a, like a spiritual teacher or something like that. Some type of accountability practice with someone who can hold a great space and you respect and you're going to act upon.

Yes. So whether you call it a therapist, coach, spiritual, priest, it doesn't matter to me. Okay. Okay. Then that, because you know, something that I see a lot is triangulations. When someone is going to a therapist and they're venting to their therapist about their partner. And then the therapist is getting on board with the person and there's a triangulation happening. So I've seen some really gnarly things happen.

Somewhere where you have emotional accountability. Yeah, absolutely. Whatever that is. Absolutely. But it's interesting because I had lunch with a dear friend recently. Somewhere where you have emotional accountability. Yeah, absolutely. Whatever that is. Absolutely. But it's interesting because I was just, I had lunch with a friend, a dear friend recently, and she was in, she does all the work. But she was married to someone who was just awful, who wasn't doing the work.

And, you know, part of, she learned that part of the reasons why she was doing that is because of her mother, you know, all that stuff. She's a brilliant amazing person and now she's in a new relationship that's the best relationship she's ever had in her life and she's like Jillian he has no trauma I was like none I was like there's always some yeah even if it's a little tea yeah yeah and yeah. And she's like, he is the most, he comes from the most loving. That's great. You know, so. That's good. And it's peaceful.

And yeah, he's got practices, but there are some people, and I do think that they are unicorns. But there are some people who are so well adjusted and have been raised in such loving families that they can, I always believe that there's room for growth and he has to grow for sure. He needs to grow, but he doesn't bring any weapons to a relationship. And the thing is she's friends with all his exes and they all say the most amazing things about him. They just didn't last because vision alignment Lifestyle wanting certain things being the same. So that's the only thing that I'll add but it's just it's interesting that there are some people like that and I'll ask it's good for someone to be friends with all their exes in a new relationship. It depends

It depends what It depends. What if that ex is from 10 years ago? I'm asking. Yeah. Is that still bringing that energy into a future relationship? I think you can't have unfinished business with an ex. I get it if you've got kids and things like that. Yeah. And you can't have unfinished business with an ex.

But there are people who you may have dated 10 years ago, and it's like, they're like a sibling to you now. And so I think that people have to be a little bit flexible. What else are you going to add? I interrupted you. I know there was something. What was it? It'll come to me. So you don't think everyone needs therapy, but you do think everyone should have some type of accountability. Absolutely. Individual. A hundred percent. That's not just their best friend telling them whatever. If they want to have an excellent relationship. Right. That's going to have problems because all relationships have problems. It's how you face the problems. Navigate them, right? Yeah. Do the problems become what define the relationship? Or are the problems the things that just show up that you work through?

Yes. Do you think one, a relationship can truly thrive if one person is developing and working on themselves and processing and learning new skills and the other person is not? It's very hard, you know, because people, i think growth is very important i also think that everyone grows at different speeds and they grow differently so whereas therapy has been very uh impactful for you for someone else it might be something of course something different right there's many paths of doing something doing something right um and i think that people grow at different speeds and i do think that you have to love someone as though they would never change though the funny

thing is it's like we want everyone to to sort of to evolve but what it but we have to we shouldn't be on their terms right that's That's why I told her. I said, listen, I'm committed to my own growth. I'm going to continue to grow and evolve. Yes. But you've got to accept me where I'm at. Yes. And if you don't accept me where I'm at now,

and you want me to change right now into something that's going to make you happy, this is not going to work. Or fall in love with potential, which is a trap. You cannot do that. No, you cannot do that. And also, what defines growth? How do you know that you're growing?

You know, because some people will say, they'll go on like, you know, a retreat or do ayahuasca or do something and be like, oh my God, like all of this, you know? And the other person's like, whoa. And then that doesn't mean that the other person's not growing. So it's like, what really, I think growing as a couple is really important.

That's why I said we've got to do, whether you call it coaching or therapy. I love that. Committing to it together. I love that. Individual on our own and then together. I love that. And she was like, yeah, I'm down. So she has her own coach that she works with every two weeks for an hour, an hour and a half to work on her own stuff individually.

I do that as well individually. And then we do it together. I love that. From the beginning. From the beginning. Which has been huge for us. Oh, I think it should be non-negotiable. That's what I said.

I was like, it's still non-negotiable for me. Yeah. If it's not something you want, then find someone else and I'll find someone else or whatever, yeah. Because guess what?

No matter how much work we do on ourselves, we're going to be triggered and that inner child is going to come out screaming and we're going to be triggered. And that inner child is going to come out screaming and we're going to be like, you know, a total ass sometimes. And, you know, we're going to have to apologize.

I mean, being in a relationship means that you have to know how to forgive and forgive often. Because oftentimes we will make mistakes with the person we love and we didn't even realize that we were doing that. I mean, how many times have you hurt someone's feelings and that was not your intention yeah so many so many yeah so many times so I love you know if more people because the problem is that most people enter couples therapy when it's too late when it's probably not going to work out yeah when

there's just too many problems and too many things to unpack. I mean, yes, it can work, you know, it can help, but if you can do this stuff preemptively, it's huge. Anything to prevent resentment. And pain and suffering and frustration. Anything, you know, to foster honest conversations, you're going to win. Even if you end up breaking up, you're going to still win because at least it won't be the kind of breakup that destroys you. Yeah, that traumatizes you. Like exhausting, painful. Exactly.

Hurtful, back and forth. Yeah. And that's, you know what? That's trauma. Oh, yeah, huge. Yeah. And that'll hold people back from opening their heart in the next relationship i see it all the time yeah people are walking around so wounded and so closed what is the most unpopular thing or truth about relationships that most people don't want to know

i'll tell you straight up that every relationship you've ever had had one thing in common that was you just like every relationship i've ever had is one thing in common, and that was you. Just like every relationship I've ever had has one thing in common, and that's me. It's not that all of them cheat. It's that you keep choosing cheaters. It's not that all of them are narcissists. It's that you're choosing the narcissist. It's not that all of them are this or that. You're choosing them. You're part of that.

And it's such an uncomfortable truth because people don't want to see that in themselves, but it is the path to your freedom, 100%. Every relationship we have ever had has been a mirror. And it shows us where sometimes it reflects back to us where we've done a lot of work and it's lovely. Sometimes it reflects back to us how wonderful we are. And oftentimes in our past, if it hasn't worked out, it's going to reflect where our self-worth is, our immaturity is where our trauma is every relationship we've ever had will reflect back to us the relationship we have with ourselves period end of story and if you can't if one cannot actually accept that they're just going to keep repeating patterns guaranteed yeah guaranteedanteed. Guaranteed. If your

picker is off and busted because- Man, mine was off for years. Yeah. Because whatever, you're addicted to the chaos or daddy did this or mommy did this. Which is familiar. Of course, it's familiar. And this is very real. I don't mean to say it cavalierly. I mean, it's real. But then you better, you have to recondition yourself to understand what a healthy person is and go for that and become healthy yourself. Because most toxic relationships, of course, there are abusive relationships where there is actually a very clear victim and a very clear perpetrator but most of the time what people refer to as toxic which is just an overused term and you know the the current zeitgeist but when people refer to toxic it's two people with consistent because we get unregulated once in a while that's called

being human with consistent unregulated emotional states blaming each other for each other's pain and not taking responsibility. You did this to me. You made me feel this way. What you did hurt me. And they're constantly unregulated. That's toxicity. Now, I was in my 20s in a horrendous relationship.

Talk about chemistry. Because once you have chemistry with someone, you're screwed you're screwed you feel this chemical connection you're like this feeling you're intoxicated it's a wrap and the thing is if you haven't done work on yourself you're gonna have that chemical explosion with the one person who's bad for you and oftentimes the person who's the best in bed is the person who's the worst for you and usually usually they're just, you find the sex is amazing with them because there's a danger and then there's also a familiarity. I mean, we can- It's like a trauma bonding or something. Yeah, exactly. So I remember in my

20s, I was in a relationship with someone for about a year who without question is toxic. Like there's just- Right. You could feel it. You knew it. Everyone knows it. They're like, what are you doing with this guy? He's treating you this way. Everyone knows it. It's just, it's a fact, right? But why did you stay then? Exactly. Where's the toxicity in me and the low self-worth and all of that? Because the thing about being in a very unhealthy relationship is the two people really bringing out the worst in each other. Not the best. Yeah. is the two people really bringing out the worst in each other. Not the best, yeah.

Definitely not even close to the best. To the point where when that relationship ends, part of getting over that relationship is trying to overcome the shame that you feel for even going there. How long of a life did I have with this person? The time and the energy and how could I do this? And what was I thinking? The shame, the guilt, right? Yeah. And also just some of the things that you did that that's like, how did I react this way? Yeah. Like that boundary that I

do and or like that thing that I said, like, yeah, this is interesting. I ask people this sometimes. Um, and I asked my younger self this now I'm like, if sex was off the table, would I have stayed in certain relationships? And there's no way. Zero chance I would have stayed after a year or two years of feeling like I'm abandoning myself or getting screamed at every week or whatever. I've been like, what am I doing this for?

Like, why would I stay in this thing? Yes. For whatever reason, that chemical bonds you for a moment and it's so strong. and then you're like, okay, well, let's have a few good days. And then it goes back into chaos. And you're like, let's get back to that feeling, right? A hundred percent. But if you took that off the table or if you just waited as long as you could. Absolutely. I'm not saying to wait until marriage, but if you wait until you

get to experience someone over and over and over again in lots of scenarios and you felt safe and peaceful, then maybe, okay, you can start in that sexual interaction. And you can make out. Yeah, of course. I'm just talking about intercourse, right? Yeah. But if you took it off the table and you asked yourself, would I be in this if we didn't have sex for a year?

Probably you wouldn't. Yes, exactly. I'm not going to have sex for a year? Probably you wouldn't. Yes, exactly. You'd be like, if I'm not gonna have sex for a year with this person, would I put up with this behavior? Yeah, exactly. Would I get screamed at, would I be yelled at? Like, no.

Exactly, exactly. I don't need this. Yeah, I don't need this, exactly. And people, they don't wanna wait. And I always say, build that emotional intimacy first. Well, what if the sex is bad? You know what, you can work on it. And when you're making out with them, you know anyway.

You can have some idea if there's- You feel a connection by making out. Yeah, if there's bad you know what you can work on it and when you're making out with them you know anyway you can have some idea if there's a connection yeah if there's if there's you know there's chemistry from a kiss period exactly so you don't have to go there and some i i've heard this a lot lately they're like if someone is boring you should run towards them not away from them you know what i mean If all you know is chaos. Is chemical chaos, right? That's a safer environment. It doesn't mean he's the one or she's the one to be with for you, but start looking at people that make you feel comfortable and safe. Yes. I tell people all the time who have that pattern of always just dating emotionally unavailable people or people that have been wrong for them and usually what that person doesn't have the the self-esteem necessary

to be in a relationship with someone who is going to respect them and love them but I tell them just practice go towards boring exactly go towards that person so that you can have an experience of being in the presence of someone who you could potentially date and you can just be totally yourself. 100% yourself. Yeah. No errors, no errors, no strategizing to get someone to be more interested. Yeah, you can flirt and do all that fun stuff, but no strategizing to get someone to be more interested in you, just you. And that is, I mean, that's like revolutionary for some people.

It's funny, when I first started dating Martha, I told her early on, I go, if we hang out and you wanna like hang out as dating, you know, I'm gonna tell you 100% the truth about who I am, everything about me upfront. I'm gonna tell you what I like, what I don't like, what my vision is, what my priorities are. I'm going to tell you everything and I'm never going to change for you. Like you either accept me or you don't.

And it's not like you're bad or we can't be friends. But if we're going to enter in a relationship, I need to feel safe. And I want you to feel safe to be fully authentic of who you are. Your full expression, be it. Flourish. Grow. Like I want this to be an environment of peace and harmony so you can be yourself and say, but I want the same thing in return.

Otherwise, what are we doing? Why are we trying to dim our light in some way? How did you get to that level of confidence to be able to say that to someone? I was so willing to be alone and in peace than replicate the same pattern of choosing someone based on the chemical connection, not the spiritual connection. Yeah. So I chose because of chemical connections because I would always go there quickly. Yes.

And then I was like, oh, this is a great feeling. Okay, I must love this person or like this person. Let's see where it goes, right? And let's keep going back to that feeling. Yeah. As opposed to creating a spiritual intimacy and authentic connection without sex. Yes.

That was the game changer. And it took me, I don't know, 20 years to figure that out and multiple painful experiences. Because once I commit to something, then I want to make it work. Then I'm like, I'll change whoever I am to make you happy. Because I want this to work. It's like the athlete in me. It's like, okay, if this isn't working, who do I need to shift to be so that you're happy? And then after two years of relationships, when people aren't happy, I happy I'm like I'm exhausted I've changed every part of who I am

my identity to try to make someone happy who's just not a happy person and we're just not the right fit because we got bonded chemically not spiritually yes and we never had the courageous conversations early on about what we truly want in life. So I wanted a certain life and they didn't want that life. But we were connected. And that's why early on I was just like, this is who I am. This is my priorities. This is my life.

This is my lifestyle. This is my vision for my life. This is a vision for a relationship that I want. Is that something that seems interesting to you? Yeah. Without having the sexual chemistry yet, right? Connection, bond. Yes.

And her being able to critically and emotionally think without that sexual bond. And be like clear-minded. Very important also for a woman. Clear-minded of like, yeah, I totally accept this. And I like this. And yeah, this sounds good to me. And me and Martha did exercises early on before we got committed.

We went to Sedona. I took her to Sedona in a vortex, and I created a vision and values exercise where I said, I want you to write down all your values. I don't want to see them, and I'm going to write down all my values. And we're going to look at this together and see, is there alignment? Or really, your key things in life are not the same as what I want. down all my values and we're going to look at this together and see, is there alignment? Or really your key things in life are not the same as what I want. And every time we do this, I was like, this may be the end of our like journey of dating and this process. Because I want you to be so happy in a partnership. I want you to be thriving, safe in an alignment of your I don't you change your life

I want you to find a good match. Mm-hmm that supports your life and I want that for me. So I want that for both of us. So this was all before that sexual You know Connection look at more people did that more people would be happier I mean, it's also a huge paradigm shift when it comes to relationship because we're really talking about like seriously conscious relationships. Conscious relationships, not hookup culture. Not hookup culture or not just like the relationship of our parents where it's just like

there's very specific roles. Yeah, it's a completely different. And what I would just add to that so that people understand, because I also worked with a lot of people that are expecting perfection. Yes. And it's so important that, so one of the things that I have people write down, singles. They need to be perfect themselves then if that's what they're expecting. And to me, that's just too much pressure personally. Too much. So one of the things that I have singles write down is what are you willing to tolerate?

Like be clear about what you will not tolerate. Be clear about your values and your vision. But what are you willing to tolerate? Like can they be a little messy? Right, right. Can they not clean up after themselves once in a while? Like can they be a little introverted? You know?

Can they? like can they can they be a little introverted you know can they what are you willing to tolerate because you're you cannot have your expectations so high like can you can you tolerate like i don't know like because people have like these really strict standards about how other people look in a relationship yeah yeah no like like how they physically look. In a relationship? Yeah. No, like how they physically look and all of that. Yeah. Oh yeah. You know, like this is my type and whatnot. And it's like, okay, I understand what, you know, we all have a thing about what we find, you know, stereotypically beautiful and what is our type, but chances are the person who you're really going to fall in love with, they're not necessarily the person that you would necessarily think.

I've said that to Martha. I was like, 10 years ago, I don't think I would have been as attracted to you. She's extremely attractive and beautiful and sexy. It's got nothing to do with that. But it wasn't like my ultimate type, if I say, from like a wound. But from a healthy place, she's like the best match, right? So it's... Exactly. When you change yourself, you change who you're attracted to. Absolutely, yeah. You're not going to keep repeating the type that doesn't work.

Yeah. Unavailable becomes boring. You know, all the things that when you're... Because when you're so connected to what's really important to you, not just important to you in life, but what's really important to you in terms of how you want to feel in a relationship. Because I really think, as I'm sure you know, that a relationship, when it's good, it has the power to really heal. Heal. It's so healing. And when it's not good, you could be killing it at work your career could be on point you could have all the money in your bank you could even have your health if your relationship's not going well you're going to wake up empty and that's just the bottom line it's just how it goes and it drains

the rest of your life oh it's all encompassing someone like me it's very hard to be struggling in a relationship and not have some of that pulled into my work and my life. For anyone. Because I'm just thinking about it all day. For anyone. It's that intense. It's that exhausting. But when it's right, not perfect, but when it's right, you can heal.

You can heal a lot. When someone loves you, when someone really sees you and loves you, it can heal the parts of you that don't love yourself basically. Wow. What do you think are three questions that everyone should ask before they have sex or before they get committed exclusively in a relationship? The three questions they should ask. Well, for sure, do you want to have kids or not?

I mean, they might be at an age where that's a given, right? That there's not going to be any kids. Sure, sure. Right. So do you see yourself as a parent? Because I don't. Or I really must have a child. And this goes along with your eight things.

Another question before they're committed is... I think it's nine now. Wait. Okay, nine. Which is something I did this time, but I forgot to add it down there. But I like that. Wait.

Wait. Just wait. Wait. Wait. What does money mean to you? time but I forgot to add it down there yeah I like that yeah wait just wait wait wait um what does money mean to you how do you like to spend it that's one of the biggest pain points in relationships right oh big time how do you like to spend it most people never ask that question no and they just assume this person handles their money the way I handle it exactly or they have money or they don't have money whatever it is and how should we when life gets really stressful when the crap hits the fan in life in a big way

and we have to really meet some serious demands in life, what is going to be our strategy or attempt to find our way back to each other? What's going to happen when the baby is screaming and we can't have sex for a couple of weeks or someone's had surgery? How are we going to address the elephant in the room? Are we going to make sure that there is no elephant in the room? How are we going to find our way back to each other?

How much, more specifically, you said three, what's an acceptable amount of time to go without having intercourse and why? How important is sex in a healthy long-term relationship? I think it's very important, although it's also critically important, to note that sex doesn't mean the same thing to everyone. And so I think that sex is really important, but it has to be, once again, aligned between two people. There are two people who can have a beautiful relationship

and not have that much sex because of the meaning that sex has for them. And whereas someone else, it has a completely different meaning. But I really believe that, you know, if you're not passionate about each other, whether, you know, you don't want to touch each other, then you have more of a friendship. And some relationships, some people are okay with that. They really are okay with that. So I'm not here to judge that. But I think that it's really important to feel passionate about the person that you're with. It's going to change over the years and you have to put certain practices into place, such as, you know, date nights and, you know, spending a little time apart but not too much time apart. You know, making sure that you're managing your stress so that you don't become rigid and tense because the whole physiology of stress is the opposite of openness.

It's the opposite. And so we don't really, we're not attracted to our partner when they're stressed out. And we don't feel particularly sexy in the mood to have sex when we're stressed out. You know, it's just not really sexy stress. So I think that that's really what's more important. And I think passion is important. Yeah, to really pay attention to that I also think friendship's important and some people would say you know it's over the friendship's overrated I think it's all important to work on all of it as long as you have other people in your life who you have that you have other friends your partner can't be your only friend. No. Gosh, I talk about Martha a lot, my girlfriend.

But she's so wise because she has great girlfriends, great relationship with her sister and her mom and her family dynamics. Yeah. And she's also got her own coach, therapy coach, to work on just life stuff, whatever's opening up for her. So she does an amazing job of not coming to me every day or every week with the stresses that she's facing or just the challenges, right? She has other outlets.

And she communicates with the women in her life just to have conversations. It's not like she's dumping on people, right? But it's just talking through things. Very important. And then she's good. By the time I'm hanging out with her or I see at night she's she doesn't have to bring it to me she does sometimes but it's not from a overwhelmed place it's from a okay I've already processed this a little bit can I get your opinion on something I'm just

kind of struggle with this and it's incredibly healthy the way she knows it yes it doesn't feel like throwing a weight on your partner every day. Oh, this is the worst day at work every day. The constant venting, which is different than going through a hard time and vulnerably opening up to your partner and breaking down to your partner and your partner being there for you. What happens when someone brings their problems to their partner daily or weekly? Venting.

What happens to the relationship? It destroys passion, for one. Those are the people who stop having sex because that's not when you're sexy is when you're venting? What happens to the relationship? It destroys passion for one. Those are the people who stop having sex because that's not when you're sexy is when you're venting. And so that's just, it's just constant venting and complaining is such a passion killer. It really, really is. And it's okay to complain once in a while. We're human. But complaining really is the passion killer. So if you're in a relationship, even if you're in a relationship with a codependent, they're going to want to fix it constantly. A lot of men have said to me, I can't make my part.

Like they're complaining constantly and I feel responsible for that. Right. So that's a big one. And they can't fix it. And they can't fix it. There's nothing I do where it stops them complaining. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. So you feel like a failure. You feel like a failure. So that's a really common narrative with the men who I've worked with. But in general, it's just, it's so, it's so exhausting to be around someone who's constantly complaining. And it's just, it's just a passion killer and it's like i think that this is the self-awareness piece and that's a really i think a lot of your nine points speaks to something larger which is just a level of self self-awareness we all have blind spots and we will all behave and act unconsciously sometimes. This is really important.

But self-awareness is so important to be like, oh, I'm complaining a lot. This isn't adding to the culture of our relationship. This is taking away from it. And so I'm going to take that vent to my bestie who's going to be like, bring it. And she's going to complain with me a little bit we'll just get it out of our systems and then bring it it's really it's it's never a good thing when your partner is everything to you you got to have a community you have to have even if it's just even if it's a small community you have to have other sources of love and people, they fall into these traps where it's like, you're, you're, I only, not only do I expect you unconsciously to be my,

my parents, but also my best friend and my confidants and my lover and my this and that. And it's too much pressure. I, I, I can't imagine having to be that all of that for someone. to be that all of that for someone it's exhausting so um it's really important that um that a you are able to go to your partner for the really hard stuff that you're able to break down when something is really really hard in your life and that you know that when your partner when you're in pain your partner listens but the everyday grievances and stresses and all of that go to someone else as much as possible you can do it a little bit with your partner here and there but that you don't want to be you don't want the bonding between the two of you to be bonding over pain constantly.

Pain and suffering and complaining. It's a habit. It's a nasty habit. It's not a high frequency of energy. Not at all. So you're attracting and connecting based on lower frequencies of energy. A hundred percent. And sometimes that'll happen and it just takes one person deciding to be the leader in their relationship being like, hey, babe, we're doing this too much.

Let's snap out of it. You're right. We're way doing this. Let's snap out of it. And that's the camaraderie of relationship. That's the partnership part of relationship. It's like, yeah, when you said something about being of service, it's like sometimes you have to do the hardest things in service of the relationship. You have to name the elephant in the room. You have to have the hard conversation, not just to serve yourself, but literally in the service of the relationship. Our relationship needs this level of honesty. Our relationship needs this.

I'm curious about marriage. It seems like the institution of marriage has suffered a lot, whereas people get married and then I think over 50% now get divorced within five years or something. Yes. And then Esther Perel said of second marriages, it's like 60 or 70% get divorced. And it just keeps it higher. You'd think people get wiser and you'd like learn after one marriage, but that's what I've heard based on. It's true. And I know why. Do you want to know why tell me why because people a lot of people what they do is that they get divorced and they think okay they're the problem I'm out of that or the

relationship was the problem I just need to find another partner and all and everything's going to be better and that's not true changing partners sometimes is actually very necessary because sometimes like i said your picker is busted and who you choose to be in a relationship matters but who we choose to show up as matters just as much and if you changing partners is just like we said love is not enough changing partners is not enough and so partners is not enough. And so people get into second marriages, think this is going to be better this time, but they haven't actually done the work. They haven't processed to understand what their part was in the demise of their former relationships.

And you have to know your part. Absolutely. Absolutely. I've interviewed a lot of people who have been together for 30, 40, 50 years, and I ask them about the keys to conscious, healthy relationships over decades. Not perfect relationships, all that stuff, but just ones that continue to thrive and seem to get better every year and manage the conflicts and adversities of life. And most people say that 80% of the success of the long-term relationship is who you choose. It's like you said, your picker. It's who you choose.

It matters. And making sure there's alignment on things. And I think having the courageous conversations before you commit long-term, you know, and being able to get aligned. I'm curious, sticking on marriage, what's your thoughts on creating agreements,

having a written contract before marriage about what each person's committing to, having a prenuptial agreement where it's like, okay, how do we, what's your thoughts on all that? I'm in support.

Contracts, agreements, prenups, so there's just clarity. I'm in support. Prenups can be, you know, when there's enough money involved, I think it's necessary. I mean, look, the romantic in me says no, but I'm also practical. So I think prenups are important. I think it's important to know where everyone stands.

And I also do love the idea of having like a contract. It's like we're going to hold each other accountable, whatever these things are. and that we signed to, you know, whether someone adheres to it or not. I mean, I guess it's like the same thing. If there's a breach of contract, you know, I'm going to sue you. No, but it's like, you know, it's just having something where you've both agreed on. I'm in full support. Okay. Three years later, here was our contract. And these seven things that you agreed to, you're not creating anymore. I'm in full support.

Or I'm not doing these three things and I want to recommit to this. Yes. Because otherwise, if we don't do any of the things that we say we want to create in a relationship, why would it flourish? Why would it thrive? 100%.

I'm in full support. Interesting. And actually something that I wanted to go back to about who you choose matters. People, one of the issues that people face is that in terms of choosing people that are maybe just not well matched for them is that in order to know who is right for you, you have to understand your own psychology. You have to understand your own psychology you have to understand yourself you have to understand where your vulnerabilities lie where your weaknesses lie where your strengths are the trauma that you've been through you know if you've been if you've had a rough go at life then you're going to need

someone who makes you feel really accepted and safe and doesn't judge you for that it doesn't give you a hall pass to to bring trauma in, but the reality is our pass is our pass. And so understanding who's the right partner for you is not only understanding your psychology, but getting really real with yourself because people will say, oh, I just wish I was this person. I'm really attracted to outdoorsy people and I just wish I was more outdoorsy. Oh, I could be more outdoorsy. No, you have to be really real with yourself. You hate the outdoors. You might be really attracted to someone who likes the outdoors, but sorry, Charlie, like that's not going to be right,

be right for you. You can't sleep in a tent for three nights with bugs. That's not you. It's not you. You got to be super real. And like that person who you're really attracted to does that. It's not going to work long term. It it's not gonna work long term you could have a fun fling but it's not gonna work long term so really knowing yourself and honoring yourself is how you choose well yeah that could be the summer fling but then it's like if you're with the outdoorsy guy who that's his he wants that to be his life six months in the mountains exactly exactly i'm trying to create a stable home with kids in the future exactly it's just it to create a stable home with kids in the future exactly it's just it doesn't work it doesn't mean they're not great people it's just not going to

work it's just not what you want for the vision of your life exactly and people have to get really real with themselves and they don't and then they end up paying for that what's been the biggest mistakes you've brought to relationships me Me personally? That you've later had to realize and take accountability for? Oh, okay. Yeah, I was responsible for this or this, or I could have shown up differently. Yeah. For me, definitely has been in the past codependency. And what it looks like is it's funny. Relationships are funny. I mean, I've had some really beautiful relationships and I've had some not so beautiful relationships. And that's why certain people are going to bring out certain things in you whereas others are not. But I've definitely brought codependency and low self-worth to relationships like

depending on my partner too much for my happiness. Really? Yeah. What happens when we depend on our partner to make us happy? Catastrophe. So here's the paradox. I think that we need to be with someone who wants to make us happy catastrophe so here's here's the paradox I think that we need to be with someone who wants to make us happier and that we want to make we want to add value to each other's lives we want to make the path easier but no one can walk our path but ourselves and so what happens is that when and it's unconscious and it's part of it is also conditioning.

It's like be with someone who makes you happy, this or that, you know. The problem is that if you don't feel at least mostly whole, you know, we all have our things that we're dealing with. But if you don't, if you feel really fragmented and you think a relationship or another person is going to actually bring all the pieces together, then what's going to happen is that you're going to be really disappointed because then you're relying on another fallible, flawed human. Imperfect human. Imperfect human. And you're going to have all these expectations,

and your shoulders are going to be crushed by the weight of failed expectations constantly um but you know so yeah I've done that yeah um not really standing on my own two feet emotionally um I have brought stress to a relationship and not and not my self-awareness around stress to the point where I've closed or yeah where I've closed you know not been receptive to love guarded yeah guarded or just tense and stressed and just totally um expecting to be loved anyway and it's it's you know relationship is so filled with paradox it's like yes they should actually contribute to your happiness but you also have to know how to make yourself happy no you don't have to love yourself completely to be in a relationship but yes you have to love

yourself at some level you know or you learn to love yourself in a relationship but also you can't enter a relationship hating yourself there's just so many paradoxes and I would just say that people just need to find sort of the balance for themselves and like the reality is that we should be adding value to each other's lives we should want to root for our partner and we want to see them win and we want to see like their path be just like paved with gold and we will do anything to help them but we can't actually pave the path path for them and that's the key difference and we can't expect that from someone right i think that, you're speaking my language right now because over the last couple of years

of doing my own healing journey, I was just like, if I enter a relationship again, it was kind of like if, because I was just like, I'd rather be happy and on my own. But I love intimacy and connection. So it's like, okay, I want it, but it's not at the expense of suffering and abandoning my values and my vision

and my lifestyle and my needs. But I was like, I just want to make sure that I'm always taking care of it and loving myself and taking care of myself and creating my own joy and happiness and fulfillment independent of a relationship. Never needing someone. But the way they show up can just add to that joy.

Yes. Add to that happiness. And I want to be in a relationship with someone that is a joyful person. It's kind of like their baseline. Yes. Because they've processed stuff. They've been on the healing journey. They're whole.

Not perfect. But whole. And continuing to improve. But they're just, their baseline is joy. Yeah. When someone's baseline is joy, you don't have to do something to make them joyful. They are joyful. Yes. And so it's getting your place to a state of peace and joy and fulfillment in your own life so that you don't need the person to make you happy. Yeah, absolutely. And then you're not going to self-abandon, I think, or diminish your self-worth in the relationship if someone's abusive or acting out of character consistently.

You're not going to stay in that. You're going to be like, well, that doesn't work for me. And that's really the key point because honestly, what's epidemic in terms of what I see personally is just low self-esteem. And people, it's sort of like two camps. I see people either being selfish and not appreciating their partner. Not giving enough to their partner. Not giving enough.

Or I see the people tolerating too much BS. Right. And so to the people who tolerate too much it's like you something you have to do something to raise your self-esteem something because the what people tolerate out there is what I've tolerated it's it's unbelievable actually but part of that is also because people are so afraid to be alone and they're afraid to start over and the time invested with that last person exactly love your life single you can really love your life single but also really want a relationship I don't want to discourage I think that life is better in a good relationship it

just is and and getting love from a partner and sharing and having that exchange is really profound. But, you know, you also have to give up your preferences to be in a relationship. Right. You know, like I tell single people all the time, like, you want to lie in your bed diagonally? Like, go for it. Like, all that secret single behavior, enjoy it. Because when you're in a relationship and you're living with someone you can't necessarily do that but you have to really like you said being in the position where you'd

rather be single than just in something subpar that is an amazing position to be in yeah it's huge it's huge are you in a relationship right now i'm actually not which is wild um I mean I guess it's not that wild I you know so the whole reason why I do this is that I taught yoga for 20 years and so yoga is like the probably the most important thing in my life other than people in my life and I had a really difficult marriage that only lasted two years. It was like actually- How long were you together for before? Four years.

Well, we were together two years prior to that. And interesting, this is an interesting story. So I would say 90% was perfect before we got married, but the 10% that wasn't was so, so profound. And yeah, I felt seen, safe, loved, adored. I adored him. We had amazing rapport. We laughed hysterically. I really like it when I make people laugh. If you can understand, I have a really dark, nasty sense of humor. So if you can understand my sense of humor, I immediately feel very connected to you, right? And so we really connected. And, but there were things that, um, that I would never tolerate. And this is something

like, we're cool. Like he, things not working out with him. And then my mother died. So I went through a lot of tragedy to get to the place where I am now. But I'm very cool with him. In fact, I have a joke that he should probably send me a bill because I have this whole career based on this relationship that I had with him. The wisdom you gained from this experience. Oh, so I'm actually very grateful. But there is an interesting story, which is that we went to, we were about eight months into our relationship

and I felt totally in love we were both totally in love and I don't know what triggered this because this was a while ago and I I just don't I just don't think about it anymore it's not traumatic for me um but something triggered him and he had a proclivity towards avoidance. And I had the proclivity towards anxiety. And my father was very, very avoidant and shut down. So here we are. Anxious and avoidant is not a good combination. It's not a good combination. It's a bad combination.

But so he was shut down over something that I have absolutely, something that was not warranted. And we went to this show called- It was his own traumas. Totally his own stuff. This was not something that, I mean, I could take a lot of responsibility and have, but this is not something that I did. It was something that he interpreted. So we went to this show called Sleep No More. And I don't know if you've heard of it, but it was like a thing in New York and it was really, really and really cool and you get there and they give you like these masks like from scream basically like these crazy masks and so you be even though if you go with someone it's

a very you kind of get separate they separate you in the rooms yeah so it's a very solitary experience and everyone's behind a mask so you're having your own experience but on our way there I could he was in what would be the first of many of like these moods where he would shut down and I didn't know what was going on back then I didn't have the courage to say what is going on like speak up like what's happened did I do something let's talk about it now it wouldn't even yeah you didn't have the tools then yeah I didn't have the tools and I didn't have the self-esteem then the courage yeah all of it and so when we went he was totally shut down we were separated but there were times where you would recognize the

person because you know what they're wearing and I would be so psyched to connect with him and he would pretend like he didn't see me it It was like a total stonewalling. And I was so incredibly upset. And all I could think about is I got to get this relationship back on track. Like I have to like make this better. From that one day? From that one night because he was stonewalling. I knew that I was like his feelings changed about me.

I have to make sure that whatever it is that triggered him doesn't trigger him again so all this stuff came up so you interpreted that too yes exactly so i so i got really anxious you know i low self-esteem i don't want to or like it's not that it wasn't perfect it was really bad if so in other words if i were to that today, that relationship would have ended that day. You'd be like, hey, this doesn't work for me. Yeah. Without question. That actually wouldn't even have been a conversation.

It just would have ended because I would have known from a value system perspective and also from what is good for me that that is absolutely. We can have fights. We can have disagreements. But that is not allowed in my world. So I've changed a lot and the relationships that i've had since then because we split many years ago have been super healthy and super super lovely just not in alignment with what it is i really want and i am just like you like i would rather yes companionship is great and having someone just like you. I would rather, yes, companionship is great and having someone tell you you're beautiful and lovely

and friendship is great. Support you, yeah. Yeah, but what I want is something like I'm looking more to the future now in a way that I haven't in the past. So I ended something fairly recently that was lovely, that it was not painful. It was super super super healthy and I guess I'm sharing

part of the reason why I'm sharing this story is that some relation it just because a relationship ends it doesn't have to be a drama it can be lovely there's no pathology to a relationship ending you could just be going in two separate directions and that is okay. What's the best way to end a relationship consciously to minimize as much friction or drama? One person may be resentful or frustrated or hurt and sad that you can't control, but what's the best way to end a relationship in peace? Accountability. I love you and I know I really messed some of this up and I'm sorry that's one way but I just don't see that this is something that is good for us anymore so you you include yourself in the conversation meaning you're not blaming the other person you take

full responsibility you know I remember ending one thing a few years back saying I love you but I love myself more and because of that like you're on your path I'm on mine and it doesn't it's not going to work long term so So I wish you nothing but the best. Like I truly wish you nothing but the best. That's obviously difficult if you're in a relationship that's had a lot of hardship. But even in the ones that have been the ugliest, you can really turn it around by being a better person when you break up with them

than you were when you were in a relationship. If you've never taken accountability, that's your time. Wow. being a better person when you break up with them than you were when you were in a relationship. If you've never taken accountability, that's your time. Wow. Yeah. You can learn a lot about someone by the way they break up with you. You can tell a lot about... That's kind of who they are.

How they show up. It's their level of consciousness at the time. Yeah. That's probably why I'm not friends with a lot of people. Exactly, exactly. consciousness at the time. I'm not friends with a lot of people. Exactly. People can be really nasty. I've always wanted to end relationships like peaceful. I want the best for you.

I take responsibility for my part. I want the best for you. I hope you have an amazing life. That's always been kind of my stance. For whatever reason, I've chosen people that are like, I hate you. You're horrible. I can't believe you're doing this to me. Like a storm.

And then want to hold on to it for years. Yes. And like, try to get at me some way. Yeah. I never understood that. Drama. I never understood why people will hold on to some relationship for a year or years after and keep trying to pull

them down. When all I try to do is be like, I just want the best for you. It's like, cool. I don't understand that. But again, that's me choosing from a wound. Yeah, it's choosing from a wound and them being in their wound. All of that. And you can never do enough for someone to be, you know,

there's no way to end it with that person. They're just going to be upsetting you no matter what. Well, the worst thing is ghosting. In what way? You know, I mean. Ending a relationship by ghosting them? I mean, yeah. It's one thing to ghost someone that you went on a couple of dates with,

which I think is just totally immature, but it's another thing to ghost someone that you've been in a relationship with. And people DM me, they write to me, my boyfriend of five years, he just disappeared. No, I'm telling you, and I get that a lot. That's painful. That is trauma. That's big T trauma in many ways. That is psychological abuse. They just disappeared. I mean, obviously there were things that were wrong in the relationship but the way that they ended it was to just disappear they were very avoidant right and i mean they weren't willing to have the conversation they just wanted to avoid the pain yeah and then just disappear wow it's that's a highly dysfunctional thing to do to someone but it's also you got to look at as yes it's trauma, but you also have to say, well, at least it happened where I'm not in this relationship, right?

At least it's not, I'm not with a person for the rest of my life like this. And you can get to that point. You find meaning, right? And that's the healing to get to that point. But at first you have to get over the fact that you, the abandonment, and that takes a long time to get over. What's the biggest wound you've had to heal? In myself? Definitely the abandonment wound, the father wound. I've made a lot of peace with my father, which I'm very, very happy about.

And it's more just peace within myself more than anything else. What does that look like within you, peace within yourself? What does that look like within you, at least within yourself? It's remembering to think of him and see him through the filter of my level of consciousness now versus the level of consciousness I had as a teenager or as a child. It's about having compassion, seeing him as a human being. It's also, you know, you don't have to, I don't have to be afraid anymore. I don't have to worry anymore. I don't, I don't, some of the memories that I have with him in the past, I can just look at, I can change the story a little bit. I can relate to the story that

I have with him differently. And think that that's that's real healing that is what really heals trauma is being able to make some sort of peace even if you never speak to that parent again because I know everyone has different circumstances some people have been through really horrendous things with family members but But I'm always helping people, and I feel honored to do so, and I don't feel like an imposter doing it knowing that I've done that work as well. Helping people to look at whatever troubled relationship they have with a parent and to find some peace with that to see them as just a flawed human being who did that they did the best that they could also to

sometimes when we have a troubling relationship with a parent the memories that that we hold on to are all the negative ones and our mind will disregard the things that are maybe good. And even if it's not a good memory, it's like there's something actually positive there. But we get so attached to the story and to the wound that we actually suppress some of the good stuff. Because for that to come up might be too difficult. That's number one. Number two, you have to grieve the parent that you wish that you had and maybe that you deserved to have. You have to really properly grieve that and come to a true acceptance of the fact that your parent is not who you needed them to be. You have to accept that. That that is just one of the cards that life had

for you. And we all have things that, you know, haven't really worked out. And what happens if we don't accept that? Your relationships will bear the brunt of that. You'll suffer. You'll suffer a lot. And we do, you know, the subconscious mind is very powerful. So we will, it's part of self-awareness is to be like, oh, I'm not seeing my partner right now. I'm seeing mommy, I'm seeing daddy and like being able to like mitigate that. But if you really, really struggle with the parent, there's no peace. It's constant projecting. Either you're picking partners that represent the worst part of the parent that represent that or represent the thing that you still need to work out. I mean, there's a lot of theories.

A lot of psychiatrists and psychologists have had theories, Freud being one of them, probably the first one, to say, you know, you will pick partners who will remind you of a troubled parent or a troubling relationship with a parent so you can work it out with them. So you can fix it and resolve it. And that's when actually healing can happen in a relationship if two people are willing to do the work. Like, oh, we're bringing all our trauma. And if they can work through it, that can be profound. But you can't fix someone else. You have to be willing to heal. You cannot.

It has to be collaborative. It has to be 100% collaborative. And also if you're trying to fix someone else, it's you don't accept them yes for who they are 100 not saying that's the healthiest choice you should have but you're not accepting them no and so you're judging them you're judging them constantly judgment doesn't support yeah in a relationship but there's all sorts of no it doesn't and there's all sorts of things i mean there's some people who are really attracted to people who are quote unquote broken because then they get to be the rescuer.

I mean, we're all playing out these roles all the time. What happens when someone is the fixture and tries to rescue in a relationship? Can that be healthy long term? No, because also I believe that deep down no one actually wants to be rescued. I think that this is the thing. This is the fairy tale lie of women. Yes. Some guy's going to come and rescue them.

Yes. I mean, so there's one argument to say that, oh, yeah, deep down all they want to do is be rescued. But the way that we earn self-esteem for ourselves is to be able to face our problems. Absolutely. Ourselves. Ourselves. With support but not someone to face our problems. Absolutely. Ourselves. Ourselves. With support, but not someone doing it for us. Yes.

And so it becomes really, really tricky because then we start to lose respect for ourselves. We start to lose respect for the other person. Who's doing the work for us. Yes. So having the strength to face our problems, but utilizing help, because I really think that's very important. face our problems but utilizing help because I really think that's very important I have invested so much time and money in in support and help and mentorships I'm full believer in that but you have to give someone the privilege of solving their problems and doing the work for themselves and

doing the work for themselves it's true yeah I mean if you just give someone a million dollars they might feel good for a little bit, but then it's like... It gets old real quick. Right. And then, well, you're also just like, okay, I didn't create this, right? Right.

I wasn't the one who created this value for myself. Yes. You know, if someone just... It's like... Being handed things on a silver platter. Exactly. There are lots of people who were raised with being given everything. And there's statistics that prove that a lot of these people also become drug addicts

because they never learned how the value of a dollar, how to earn something. Because when you earn stuff for yourself, regardless if it's money or something else, you build confidence in yourself. And you respect it and you respect the energy and the time towards it and all these different things. Yeah, absolutely. That's interesting. What do you see is going to confidence in yourself and you respect it and you respect yes the energy and the time towards it and all these different things all the yeah absolutely that's interesting what do you see is going to be the biggest problem that I guess more millennials are going to be facing with getting into relationships in their 20s and 30s now with post-pandemic and with extreme social media consumption and instant gratification thinking as a society and culture what is going to be the biggest thing to overcome for people

in order to enter healthy relationships moving forward to unhook themselves from dopamine unhook themselves from dopamine it's like it's like porn addiction you know you can scroll through social media and get a lot of you know you're not you can't scroll through social media and see sex but you can get a lot of those center those dopamine centers in your brain to be activated because of things that you're looking at and that and also having your phone on the table when you're having dinner with someone even if you're not looking at the phone pulls your attention away from the person that you're with and so I think the instant gratification not not being present with one another, also like expecting sort of like the lack of patience that people have now because everything has to be, look, now it's reels. It used to be videos because people don't have the attention span. What I'm concerned about the younger generations is them not taking enough time to really get to know someone. To also having realistic, you should have high standards, but your expectations should also be realistic.

You know, everyone is flawed. Everyone comes with stuff. So you can have a really high standard. I certainly do. You certainly do. But you can't expect perfection because then you're not giving yourself any grace because then you have to be perfect.

And that really stresses me out personally. I don't want to have to do that. So I am concerned. I'm concerned of them just being constantly on their phones with each other. I'm concerned with just needing needing like you said the instant gratification the dopamine rush like is this not right like all of that creates we're all walking around like hi you know it's like this is like why do people do drugs because of dopamine it's like we're all like stoned and high on something so it's a I'm concerned about the realness yeah

but some that's the younger generation some millennials have been like some of the most like realist people i've met really might really remind more than my generation so you know what's your generation i don't know what am i if i'm in my 40s i'm like i'm a millennial i'm 39 so I'm 39 so I'm a millennial I'm like the older millennial yeah so I guess am I Gen Y

am I Gen Z I don't know I should know this yeah yeah that's interesting so I mean because I grew up without social media

but then yeah and you as well but then but then I got it in college like Facebook was not open

to the public still when I was in college so it was just for college students and they were opening it to different so I remember it was like oh it's coming to our school like next week and so it was like when I was a junior I think or senior or something so it was towards the end of my college experience where I was into sports all day in high school and college and like interacting with people outside and playing frisbee and like whatever as opposed to on my phone since I was 12 yeah just scrolling all day yeah so I feel like I got you know blessed to have had that experience absolutely

because even then having the phone now is you got to remind yourself to like put it away but if I was raised at 12 with an iPhone I'd be on it all day probably I know and it's it's a double-edged sword because my best friend she has a 13 year old son so it's like if something is technology wrong she's like oh I can just ask cash I just actually like he knows everything but yeah you have to I think parents it would behoove parents greatly to have some serious boundaries around that. Children need to write. They need to read. They need to write with a pen.

They need to go out and play. If you're always on the screen, I'm concerned about depression going on the rise pretty disproportionately. I think it's also learning the skills of communicating face-to-face with people and navigating feelings and emotions in front of someone, not behind the screen by texting or just feeling isolated to a screen. It's really learning how to connect human to human and manage your emotions and stress and feelings in discomfort in front of someone yes so maybe the younger generations there's going to be a lot of difficulty with in terms of that not really intimacy exactly not really being able to

connect or not under or not like not being so adept at reading body language because that's a big part there's lots of different ways to communicate that has nothing to do with the verbal. We're communicating all the time with our body language. We're doing it right now. And so if you miss that, you're missing a key component of human behavior and communication. Yeah. Well, I'm grateful you got an amazing podcast called Jillian on Love with Q-Code. And where you're teaching about relationships, you're doing a lot of solo content where you're teaching lessons and wisdom and skills on how to be better in relationships with yourself and with others. Yes.

So I want people to check out your podcast. You also got an amazing Instagram account with great content. Is that the main place that you spend time on social media? Yeah. I mean, I have a TikTok account where I have some more videos, but mostly it's Instagram, Jillian Turecki, and then now the Jillian on Love Instagram. Yeah. Jillian Turecki and Jillian on Love is the podcast Instagram. Okay.

And then JillianTurecki.com is the site. What can we get when we're there? What's available? So I created something a few years ago called The Conscious Woman and it's a membership

for women. That's great. Yeah. I really wanted to do, even though it's funny, I do work with a lot of millennial men actually, but most of the people

I work with are women and I, in my own journey of becoming more conscious and learning the lessons and I in my own journey of becoming more conscious and learning the lessons that I learned I really wanted to help women feel more empowered in their relationships and take more responsibility and so I created you know when I a few years back when I started this journey of really full-time becoming a coach, I spent like two years creating so much content. I was like insane.

I mean, I even think I like did one of your things. I mean, I was like, yeah, I was like, seriously, I was a content machine. And then I was like, what am I going to do with all this? I'm like, I'm going to put this into a membership. And I'm going to call it The Conscious Woman. And then there's monthly Q&As and workshops that I do with everyone. And that's been, it's a really large community that's been building for a while. And then people can just purchase workshops.

I have a, going through my divorce and then the death of my mom, I'm no stranger to grief and heartbreak. So I wanted to put in writing and outline all the steps that I took to not just get over that heartbreak but to really thrive. And so I created a workbook, super inexpensive. And I started selling that about a year and a half ago. And I just call it the Heartbreak Workbook. And I mean, I just literally, it's digital. I sell it through social media. I've sold close to 20,000 copies. literally, it's digital. I sell it through social media. I've sold close to 20,000 copies.

Wow, that's amazing. Yeah, and it's just, so that's what you're going to find on my site. Very cool. Yeah. Very cool. How else can we serve you today? Oh, man. I mean, how can you serve me? I mean, honestly, like, just knowing that I have people who want to hear what I have to say and that who support me, that's enough.

Yeah, that's really enough. Like, the fact that, like, I have this podcast and people want to listen to it, that feels like that there is such a beautiful symbiosis happening between me giving and then receiving and giving back so it's all very rewarding I love it well I want to acknowledge you Jillian for how you've thrived after a lot of pain you know I think I've experienced my own type of pain but going through divorce and experiencing whatever emotions come up from divorce whether it be shame or guilt or beating yourself up whatever you faced and then your your mother passing and just facing life after that and trusting again and opening your heart again and and using that experience with wisdom to serve and finding a meaning behind it in a beautiful way is really

inspiring so I acknowledge you for your transformation and your growth and how you channel that into service into helping others who are experiencing pain or challenge in a relationship to supporting them to create more peace so I think that's what it's all about we all want to have peaceful relationships we want to feel loved we want to be in a loving environment. And I'm grateful for your lessons and wisdom and being able to give that to more people. Thank you. Even though it was a painful experience,

but a powerful one that you've transformed. So I really acknowledge you for that. This is a question I ask everyone at the end called the three truths. So imagine a hypothetical situation. It's your last day on earth, many years away. You get to live as long as you want and accomplish all your dreams. But for whatever reason, you got to take all of your work with you. So the workbook, this podcast, your podcast, your Instagram content, and whatever you create, it goes to the next place after you pass. And all we have to be remembered or reminded of you are three lessons that you can share

with the world. Three truths. What would be those three truths for you? Your relationship with yourself reigns supreme. And it's the longest one you will ever have. Don't leave your own side. Number two, stress is the cause of so much suffering. It causes disease. It causes dysregulation. It causes relationships to completely destruct.

So figure out a way, get whatever help you need to help you face life. And then number three, it's weird that I use the word privilege, but it's the word that came to my mind, so I'll use it. I had the privilege of watching both my stepfather at different times and my mother pass, being there in the room. And I don't know if you've ever seen anyone die but it changes you, especially if it's someone that you love. And in that moment or in those several hours

leading up to the final passing, because people die in different ways, but if you're in a hospice and you're dying of cancer, it's sort of like the dying process is sometimes like a week. And when you're there and you see that and you realize, like, nothing, all the things that we worry about, they really don't matter. Like none of it matters. Like the only thing that matters, as cheesy as it sounds, is love.

It is the only thing that matters, like connection and love. And people are starved for more connection. People are starved for more realness. And so I guess it would be just for people to understand that, like, when you die or you see someone die, you're going to know the truth of life so hard. And so make it your mission to be aware of that every single day because i went through that and i still will i get caught up in the little things all the time i sometimes have to meditate on that moment just to like bring me back to reality. And so, yeah, life is fleeting. Tell the people you love that you love

them. That's beautiful. Final question, what's your definition of greatness? My definition of greatness, courage. Courage. Courage. Life is hard. Fear is very real. It consumes every single person on some level. Maybe in certain cultures, not so much.

But in this culture, everyone is walking around with way too much fear. And so I think that greatness are like those moments where you just feel courageous courageous and you have the fear and you do it anyway. There you go, Jillian. Thanks so much. Appreciate it. Thank you. Thank you. I hope you enjoyed today's episode and it inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full rundown of today's episode with all the important links. And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me personally, as well as ad-free listening, then make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel exclusively on Apple Podcasts.

Share this with a friend on social media and leave us a review on Apple Podcasts as well. Let me know what you enjoyed about this episode in that review. I really love hearing feedback from you and it helps us figure out how we can support and serve you moving forward. And I want to remind you, if no one has told you lately that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter.

And now it's time to go out there and do something great.