The School of Greatness - The PSYCHOLOGICAL TRICKS To Master CONFIDENCE & Crush Fear

Episode Date: October 27, 2023

Today we are taken on a journey of self-discovery and confidence-building. Through a series of expert insights and practical advice, you will learn effective strategies for boosting your self-confidence. Discover how to overcome self-doubt, harness your inner strength, and embrace your unique qualities. Gain the tools to project confidence in various aspects of your life, from personal relationships to professional endeavors. This episode is a powerful reminder that self-confidence is not only attainable but essential for reaching your full potential and achieving your goals. Tune in, and let your self-confidence soar to new heights.Evy Poumpouras was a member of the most prestigious protection force in the world for over 12 years. She served on the secret service presidential protection division for President Barack Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama. She also protected presidents, George W. Bush, Bill Clinton, and George H. W. Bush.Stephen A. Smith is the star of the #1 morning sports talk show First Take, a premiere analyst on ESPN and ABC’s NBA Countdown, the host of NBA in Stephen A’s World on ESPN2 and ESPN+, and the host and producer of the podcast K[no]w Mercy with Stephen A. Smith. Smith has more than 12 million followers across social media platforms, and his opinions on sports make daily headlines.Inky Johnson is a husband, father, collegiate athlete, entrepreneur and author. Inky is also one of the most highly sought after speakers in the world. For over a decade, executives, professional sports teams, business owners and people all over have benefited from the raw energy of his thought provoking and inspirational presentations.Susan David is a psychologist, originally from South Africa, that has been learning about emotions and people’s pursuit of happiness since she lost her father in high school. She has recently written a best selling book, Emotional Agility, about the importance of every emotion we go through. Susan also recently gave a TED Talk that was one of the most successful campaigns to date. It received over a million views within the first week.In this episode you will learnThe best way to build command, authority, and credibility.How to stop worrying about other people’s opinions and own the room.What betting on yourself should look & feel like. How to make your hard work stand out. Ways to navigate criticism while maintaining your confidence.For more information go to www.lewishowes.com/1521For more Greatness text PODCAST to [phone]Links to full episodes:Evy Poumpouras: https://link.chtbl.com/1270-podStephen A. Smith: https://link.chtbl.com/1380-podInky Johnson: https://link.chtbl.com/1279-podSusan David: https://link.chtbl.com/1089-pod

Confident people don't care how right they are. They don't. When you're confident, it's like, I know what I know. I'm good with it. You have to check in with yourself and realize, am I being a coward? I think bravery is something that we don't speak about. Encourage is something we don't speak about. Welcome to the School of Greatness.

My name is Lewis Howes, a former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur. And each week, we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin. Welcome to this special masterclass. We brought some of the top experts in the world to help you unlock the power of your life through this specific theme today. It's going to be powerful, so let's go ahead and dive in. How can someone overcome that fear of, you know, a classmate laughing about them or saying, oh, that was a dumb question or just something maybe bigger than putting something out on social media and getting a tax or

whatever it might be. How do people overcome that insecurity? Well, I do think we've taken a step back actually in in-person communication, a huge step. Everything now is people are more comfortable in texting and communicating through social. And then when it comes to in person, something's completely shifted. You can see people having a harder time communicating in person and everyone's kind of deviating towards typing, texting, or email. It's become the comfort space zone. What's the easiest way to communicate without... Yeah, exactly. Text is the easiest. Email. So here here's the thing in person is the best way to communicate by the way whenever i can speak to somebody in person or sit down and see them

like this this is where you get the best the best is where you get magic right then there's you okay then there's the phone phone is another great way but when you go to email you still have to write you can but long form sentences you have to write properly texting is just a couple of words yeah and that is where everyone's kind of shifted to gone it's also the on an um when i text or when i post on social i'm not as it's keyboard courage i'm not you wouldn't say it to someone's face. You never say it to somebody's face. I feel like you should only say things online with what you would say to that person's face.

Otherwise, what are we doing? Yes. If you can't look at somebody and say it, then you shouldn't write it. But it's the anonymity that I can write this stuff and then I can take out whatever's going on in my life out on somebody else and I can feel brave in that way.

But it's such a false way to be brave. What does that do to the person communicating in that way, having that false bravery by saying something strong or powerful or aggressive online, but the unwillingness to do that in person? What does that do to that person? You have to check in with yourself and realize, am I being a coward? If I can't say something to somebody's face, but I can do it over text, there's something that's missing. I think bravery is something that we don't speak about. Encourage is something we don't speak about. We don't do it

in a very overt way, in a very physical way, in a very engaged way. It's talked about as this like thing. Oh, be brave, be motivated. Well, where is that? You have to manifest that with your body. You have to do it. And it's doing it in the day-to-day decisions that you make. So going back to my class, it's interesting. We talk about criminal justice, right? Criminology, and sometimes we'll talk about even being, for example, I showed them a video of somebody who fell on these New York City train tracks in New York City, and there were all these people

on the platform, one person gets down to go help the person. And so I asked them, would you do that? The majority of the class, no. No, hell no, no, whoa, asked them would you do that the majority of the class no no hell no no whoa i'm not gonna do that and i hear that and i think something is lost there amongst us when the answer at least i feel through my belief system again is that the overwhelming answer should be like i would want to help save another human beings life I would want to help save somebody else but we've come to this place where it's very much self-preservation don't say anything wrong don't do the wrong thing mm-hmm right and attack in a way that's

safe and comfortable or not even attack but you can disagree and here's the other amazing thing I think we don't understand how to disagree so you can disagree or you can be competitive it's something actually that you're taught in interviewing and interrogations is this are you trying to be competitive in interrogation or so so when I say competitive I mean that I can disagree with you in a healthy way so So you call it competitive dialogue. How does it look if I say, you know, the sky is green today? Okay. Well, tell me why you think the sky is green. It's just, it just looks green. You know, I just see the color, you know, I don't know, maybe it's a reflection of something, but it's green. It's not blue. Okay. So now what I would

do in that moment is ask you why you think of it that way why you see it this way what is your not disagreeing with me and saying oh you know you're an idiot it's blue yes you're not doing that you're not getting like defensive or aggressive because that is your value system so i may for example i have a very strong belief system fitness and working out it's been part of me but that's my belief system it is not somebody else's if I try to impose it to somebody so for example when you hear somebody say I have to lose weight I have to lose weight their belief system is not really based upon working out and fitness so I can turn around and be very direct and that's being direct

with someone is the way you lose people so what you want to do is you want to always let people talk, even if you don't like what they have to say, even if you don't agree with them. Let them go. Let them explain themselves. What happens when you let someone explain themselves, even when you know they're 100% wrong? You shut up. You shut your mouth. That's like I always say that. The gift to any great communicator is this.

Let them go. Don't correct them. Don't tell them that they're wrong. Just let them be in their world. Now, here's the important thing. One, they're going to say everything they want to say. You're going to understand what their mindset is. And two things happen.

One, you can speak now because once somebody's done sharing everything, now they can you well what you do is you're speaking I cut you off I insert myself you get frustrated hey you're not listening to me I'm talking she's dismissing me and so when I speak you come you come back at me I come back at you and now we have conflict and so hmm for example when I used to do interviews I would sit in rooms with people who when you mean an interview you mean interrogation I use you know it's interesting call interviews interviews and interrogations are the same thing so what you see in TV in law and order that you did it you this you

that that's garbage it doesn't work doesn't that work you're the best confessions I've ever gotten they've been almost like psychology sessions or conversations where people progressively over a bit of time, give you what we call admissions. A little more, a little more. Yes. So it'll be like, yes, I was there at the house. Oh yes, I was there at the time. Yes, I saw her or I saw him. Yes, I left upset. Yes, this, saw her or I saw him yes I left upset yes this yes that and then incrementally they get to you get to the confession yes I did it whatever that is right whereas we go straight most people go straight for the kill tell me and it's because of this lack of patience this thing that we know everything and you know maybe you are right in that moment but it's not what you think it's what the other person thinks understanding how they think

getting into their head and speaking to them so now if we bring this back to what you asked me about being competitive means I can compete with human ideas without being it being ugly without being confrontational or conflict but what we've done is we've made conflict the confrontation, this very negative thing. We don't want it. When it happens, people lose their minds. I have so many people reach out, especially when I do consulting. The question's always, how do I avoid confrontation? How do I avoid conflict? Why do you spend so much time avoiding it? Why do you spend so much time avoiding speaking what you want to say, speaking your truth or sharing your ideas? And why can you

not present them in a way where there is disagreement, there is competitiveness, I compete, you compete, no, the sky is green, well, I see it this way. Oh, I see it blue. But why do you see it this way? And you have that dialogue. But it's not an aggressive competitiveness. It's an open dialogue. It's not me being a jerk to show you how smart I am. And it's not me shutting you down. And it's not me having an attachment to the end result. Me being right. And me showing you how right I am. Confident people don't care how right they are they don't when you're confident it's like i know what i know i'm good with it this person sees things a different way and also it also comes into where the dialogue where sometimes we think

well i'm saying this and this is what i mean you also have to think what is this person hearing so just because i think well i said this it's like that's great but what are they hearing how do they hear you what's the skill then for people to what happens when people avoid conflict as much as possible as opposed to leaning into it and being comfortable with the discomfort of conflict that is very dangerous and it is very bad. To avoid it. To avoid it because I'm not telling you to go look for it. Avoid it to certain degrees when it's noise, when it's chatter.

Like people talk to me about politics all the time because I was former Secret Service. I don't participate. To me, it's noise, it's chatter. I don't share. And I never speak about the people that I had access to or protected. But it doesn't matter to me. But a conflict between relationships

of friends or family or coworkers. So it depends. If it's important to you, you should address it. What you do is it causes long-term regret. If you don't address it. If you don't address it, it causes you to build up resentment, anger, bitterness,

and hate. That's where that comes from. And then if the other person doesn't even know what they did, maybe. Maybe they know, but if you don't check them, because from time to time in life, I say check. This is my queen's coming out. But when I say check, address it. Yeah. Check in with them. Yes. You said said this this is how I see this and when you when you debate something with people use language that's factual you said this you said this you said this how does someone overcome the doubts that come up whether it be the fear of failure the fear of success the fear of other people's opinions the fear of

pleasing their parents how do they overcome the doubts and start to gain that confidence that self-esteem like you well a couple of things number one first of all understand you're not alone that everybody you run across has had doubts everybody you've run across has had apprehension about who they are where they're where they are where they are, where they're going, et cetera. You're not alone. In situations like that, you want company. You want to feel like you're not this aberration. You're not this anomaly standing alone by yourself

in the wilderness of fear. And you're the only one that doesn't have the courage to tackle it and overcome it. That's number one. Number two, educate yourself about what you want to do. You should be scared if you're clueless. You should be scared if you're ignorant to what you want to do, why you want to do it, and how you intend to go about achieving whatever aspirations you may have. You're supposed to, if you're going to overcome that fear at some point,

knowledge is a part of the equation. So educate yourself about what it is your field is, what it is, your aspirations are, whatever the case may be, the minefields that lie in wait, all of these different, the potential minefields, et cetera, et cetera. You got to know to educate yourself about those things because you have no shot at overcoming it if you don't educate yourself. And last but not least, you know, it's not just about education, educating yourself and knowing that you have company, but really the most important thing is really putting

yourself in and it requires like a literal not just figurative but a literal look in the mirror asking yourself how you will feel if you never try oh asking yourself yeah if i never try if i don't go for this, where's that going to leave me? When you don't do that, what you have done is refrained from challenging yourself to be all you could be. Because there's no one that could become all they could be without looking at themselves. You know, Denzel Washington talks about consistency, the importance of consistency. You understand? You got to put in the work, you got to go for it. But you have to have consistency because without consistency, putting in the work, the dream

is nothing but a dream. Right. And I get all of that, but you have to be able to look at yourself and you have to be able to be honest with yourself and know when you mess up because when you mess up, Lewis, it's going to catch you. What I mean when I say it's going to catch you is at some point you're going to look at you and you're going to say, I didn't try. I didn't go for it. And we know this because of relationships and various other things, but I often tell people this, particularly when it comes to relationships.

Relationships come and go. Things don't work out sometimes. But there is nothing on earth worse than when you know you're the reason it messed up see if somebody mistreats you if somebody that you love wants you you know don't want you no more but you wanted them and you treated them right and blah blah blah but it didn't work out it hurts but you'll be fine yeah most people will be fine when you're not fun is when you know, it was you You messed up you mess you heard them you want you wanted them and you messed up And you messed up now if you didn't want them and you messed up, okay, because you know what?

Perfectly illogical explanation as to why you messed up, but when you wanted them and you effed up It's no greater pain. Yeah, cuz you got to look at you you got to say damn i blew this and that's some hard hard stuff to overcome because it lives with you because no matter what you have even if it's better you don't know it because you're thinking about what you lost because you're the one who messed up i know if they messed up you ain what you lost because you're the one who messed up. If they messed up, you ain't thinking about it like that. But if you messed up, you're always thinking about what you lost. And it's hard to move forward.

I've got a handful of questions for you left. Sure. And one of them is about in the book, Straight Shooter. Make sure you guys get the copy of the book, Straight Shooter, Amazing Stories and Lessons from Stephen A. You talk about your dad and I'm curious the biggest lesson he taught you whether in a good way or a bad way that you said I'm this is something he did positive that I'm gonna do as a father or something that I'll never do as a father that he did what is is that lesson? And what has he taught you about fatherhood now that you are a father?

The importance is two things, one positive, one negative. The positive part is he taught us the importance of laughter because my father was funny. Really? And you know, he was exceptional in sports and he was an exceptional calypso dancer. He could sing and he would make people laugh and smile all the time he could light up a room and you know the importance of laughter you

could bring up a lot of gifts but somebody's ability to make other people's other people laugh it's one of the greatest gifts you could ever give anybody. That's a positive. The negative is that, and it answers the question about fatherhood, he taught me what not to be as a father. My father, this is in the book, it just wasn't good. I loved him. I always will.

But I didn't shed a tear when he was gone. Wow. The only reason I see him at his gravesite is because he's very next to my mother. Wow. If he wasn't, I wouldn't go visit him. We didn't have that good of a relationship. It's not hatred, but there is a significant and flagrant lack of respect.

My lack of respect for my father has very little to do with me. It has very little to do with how he, quote, unquote, treated my mother. Because my philosophy is don't put your hands on a woman. He put his hands on my mother, we would have killed him. But he never did that. And he preached against it.

So I give him credit for that. But what he did with my mother, he forced her to be the man of the house. Now, I know that's not the popular thing to say in this woke culture. I'm not apologizing for that. It is a beautiful, beautiful thing for a woman to have a career, to make money, to provide for her family. I admire it. I respect it. I throw no shade on it, but I am unapologetic about the fact that if you can afford it, it is your responsibility as a man to provide for your family. Especially if your wife just has six kids.

Yes. She's got to take care of nurturing and feeding and developing. It's your job. Yeah. It's your job. You understand? I mean, any help that she can give you is great. But the responsibility is supposed to be yours

and if you can't do it you scratch claw and even die trying one of my favorite all-time shows was the show good good times James Evans senior you know he lived in the projects in Chicago. They had to scratch and claw. They barely had enough money to feed their family. It was popping in the projects. But that's what they had to deal with. He was the one out there busting his butt every day to make sure that his wife and his children were provided for.

I'm of that ilk. It means nothing to me. And I mean nothing. And I'm not married. I've never been married, even though I'll probably get married sometime in the near future. The bottom line is this. It's my responsibility. And I usually say this. And even though I would take care of my wife and what have you, I have two daughters and I tell people all the time, if they're hungry, it's because I'm starving. I don't eat. I don't eat unless I know they eat. I'm not comfortable until they're comfortable. I'm not providing for me until I provide for them when they're taken care of is when I get to take care of me. The priority is them because they didn't ask to be here. They're mine and they're my responsibility. And I live

by that. And so to me, any man that thinks differently is not the kind of man that I respect sure and my father was not that kind of man right do you feel like something unlocked inside of you when you had your first child because you at the time I thought the timeline is right you got lost the job and then the child was on the way the first child was there a new yeah just arrived she had just arrived yes was there a new power or energy or or something that it was pure fear really it was pure fear louis wow i've never been more scared in my life i've never been more scared in my life i was petrified and i held on to that because regardless of what i felt i didn't deserve from ESPN letting me go,

the reality of the situation was it was the time I was living in, and I had to find a way to feed my child. It's just that simple. And I was scared to death. Wow. To death. I mean, I really, really, really was. I had saved up money.

I had saved up well over half a million dollars. And I was living off of it. You know? You see that go down every month. You see that go down every month. And it's dwindling. And you're like, oh. You know?

It was really, really, really scary. So for me, that's what it is now. Anything that I have now is dressing because to me, I can give up a couple of my cribs. You know, I can give up the cars. I can give up any of that stuff. What I can never give up is making sure that my daughters are provided for. Yeah, that's my number one responsibility. everything comes after because I'm a man and that's my responsibility yeah and if I were to get married even though an unmarried I'm still like that but if I was married I'd be even more like that it's my job to

handle my responsibility for my wife now some people be like man please you got some men out there that's like hey hey, man, please pay some bills. But you think I don't think like that because anytime I see a woman pushing and struggling or whatever, I think about my mom and what my mother was forced to go through. And so for me, that is everything to me. You do what you want. I'm talking about what you have to do. I'm not talking about doing what you want. To me, if you are a man and you have a woman in your life, you have a family, she should have to pay bills. That's your job. That's just the way I am. That's your job. That's just the way I am. What would you say was the biggest fear or insecurity that you overcame or needed to overcome since after those two years until now?

Was it learning how to do public speaking? Was it learning how to accept yourself and the way you looked? Was it connecting with your boys in a certain way or being perceived as someone who got injured? Was it, what was the fear or insecurity you had to overcome? Man, I would say it's layered. So I want to, I want to touch on it. It was extremely difficult when I first started going out with my arm. It was extremely difficult, you know, because.

Were you single at the time or did you have a girl at the time or? You know, me and my wife, you know, we, we've been on and off, you know, she's had more patience. Yeah. Yeah. But at the time you were with her or on and off. Yeah. On and off. And but she was always there, man. My immaturity. Sure. But, you know, my arm, you know, it's just naturally, you know, smaller. you know, it's just naturally, you know, smaller. And so when I first started going out, sleeve, and I would go out and either people would shy away, which would hurt, you know, in the early years, or a person would just look, right? Like, man, what is that? You know, and very few people would ask, right? When I started going out with my sleeve,

very few people would say, just in terms of if I'm out in the area, like if I'm at Habitat for Humanity, I'm there with the football team. So it's all good. People are gonna come over, boom. But if I'm out like solo, walking through the mall, very few people would just come up and be like,

hey man, what happened? They would just look, right? And just stare. And that was extremely difficult for me for a long time, right? Just thinking about, okay, man, like, what are they thinking, right? Or it really hurt when people would just look and they would think I'm looking and they would shy away. Like, that hurt, you know, early on. But I would say the biggest thing that I've had to overcome, like, public speaking, I was fearful of that. But the biggest thing that I've had to overcome, like public speaking, I was fearful of that.

But the biggest thing, man, was running from poverty. You know, what I considered to be poverty, man, because I thought football was going to help my family. And so when I started speaking, I started doing extremely well. You know, I have been for a while with speaking to where I would just go. And I was just trying to accept gigs, gigs, gigs. Make as much as you can. I was just running. Right. Just trying to speak because I grew up a certain way. And I was like, man, I don't want my family to have to grow up the way I grew up, my kids or go back to that environment.

And I love every element of it right I love the encounters with the people I love the impact that it gives you I was just running from my past and I'll never forget I was in a small group and a gentleman was walking around in the circle and he was like what's something that you know you guys feel like in your childhood you're still dealing with are you running from you know everybody raised a hand and say something and he got to me and I was like poverty and he was like are you in poverty I was like no he's like we'll stop running and it's simplicity was yet profound but it was simple right and I

thought about it when I got to my room, and I'll never forget, Louis, I got a gig, and it was one of the biggest gigs I had gotten to date, and they were about to pay me more money than I'd ever gotten. How old were you? I was 36 now. I was probably 30. Okay, six years ago.

Yeah. You were about to pay your biggest check ever. Yep, biggest check ever. And I was stoked and the challenge was it fell on my wife's birthday right and so like man and so you know you start working it out in your mind oh man my wife's birthday I started talking to her so when I bring it after? I'm working it out. I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah. So when I bring it to her, I already done worked it out.

Hey, babe, this gig, you know, like I can send you and grandma to the spa. I can come back right after that. We can work. I got it all figured out. Oh, I got it all figured out. And she could see how excited I was. So she was like, oh, yeah, go. Sure, go.

And my wife, man, my wife been at it since fifth grade so she knows me go so I go it works out do the gig I send them to the spa fly back the same day pick her up everything goes great on the birthday two days later think it was something about might have been some socks or something something small wife blew up right she showed a side to me that i hadn't even seen yet right and i knew exactly what it was like it clicked immediately i was like that was the gig i was like she's blowing up not because she's blowing up about the gig she felt as if I value the opportunity, the engagement and the money over her and her birthday. That was the damage, right? Over the kids, over the family, over that moment. Right. And so what I had to do was realize that, man, you got renewable and you got non

renewable moments in life. Right. Renewable. You can always make some more money. Right. moments in life, right? Renewable. You can always make some more money, right? Now I'm renewable. My wife would never get another 30th birthday. My son would never have another 10th birthday. My daughter would never have another 11th birthday, right? And so my biggest thing that I had to overcome and destroy and grow through was that spirit and that thought process of running from poverty something I encountered as a kid and once I got to a solid space as an adult you know every next level of our lives demand a new version of us right taking that toolkit yeah reconstructing it growing to another level so I didn't do damage but having the right intentions while doing damage the right intention I want my family to have a better way of life but I'm doing damage with the right

intention because I'm not growing beyond that level in that thought process mmm yeah so how do you negotiate what if you got a hundred thousand dollar gig on her birthday yeah yeah yeah I used to say Nike Man, sorry, Nike. Man, I can't come and speak. She might be like, no, we good. Go, go, right? We good. Yeah, but man, just trying to communicate. You know, that's a skill that I don't think as men we always get or cultivate, you know. So, but yeah, it worked out. Why do you think so many people hold on to their tragedies or traumas so intently in their present from something that happened two, five, 10, 20 years

ago? Why do you think people hold onto it so long? I think just the nature of the impact when it happens, right? And how it stuns their life, right? Like I have one of my friends who is a high level coach, division one, that ended up getting fired. And great coach, man, just had a bad run, bad couple of years, and hit me up and was like, hey, Inc., man, I need you to help me with something. He said, why am I resisting opportunities to get another head gig? It's like, I love ball. Like, why am I resisting the

opportunity? Why am I fearful? And I was like, I'm not saying this is for certain, but I think for one, maybe the embarrassment of being fired and how that made you feel, how that impacted your children, how that impacted your family, because I think painful experiences, they always come with a lot of different emotions. Right. Like me talking about going out. It was hard for me with my arm when people would look at me. Right. That was a bit embarrassing at first. Right. And so sometimes we hold on to these different emotions that attach to the experiences that we have. So I think you got the experience and then you got the collateral damage of the experience. Yeah. How it affects our mindset, how it affects the way we the experience, how it affects our mindset, how it affects the way we see people,

how it affects our emotions. And I think sometimes it's challenging to separate the two and deconstruct the two. And so therefore we hold on to the feelings that the trauma may have given us, right? The feelings that the adversity and opposition may have given us. And so I think the the adversity and opposition may have given us. And so I think the moment that we can grow through it and figure out a way to use it, I think the

quicker we get through it, because I think it's a powerful thing, Lewis, and I think you probably know this to be true. When we use what happens to us and it creates a light bulb moment for another person, that's a great feeling. It's like when you get something for yourself for Christmas, that's awesome. It feels great. But when you do something for another person that you know is in need, like that feels 10 times better for some reason. And so I take adversity and opposition and I, I interconnected the same way. Yeah. When we go through things that hurts or we figure out a way to get through it it But when we share something and we identify with another person To let them know that because oftentimes when people go through stuff you feel alone you feel isolated and you feel like man like it's something wrong with me and

I think what happens when we go through and we create a level of empathy we showed them that now man you're human Like we all go through things like nobody is perfect I got told a guy that had a brachial plexus injury he's like man i see how you got through it like it hasn't been that easy for me i was like no bro it took work it took years like this was painful i went through every emotion that you're probably going through and i had a lot of people that helped me with them and so i feel like sometimes it's just the feelings that are attached and interconnected to the experiences that we have that creates the reason that we hold on to it for so long. What often happens when we get hooked, imprisoned by our thoughts, emotions, stories is we over identify with it.

And so we start saying things like, I am sad. If we just think about the language, it's so normal. Of course we say that. I am sad. I am angry. But I am sad. What are we doing? We are saying, I am.

All of me, 100% of me is sad. There's no space for wisdom values intention calm like there's so much inside all of us that is beyond that difficult emotion but when we say I am we are literally defining ourselves with it so it's not it's not using the words I am it's maybe something else you could say well well if we say I am said or even I am being undermined I am being undermined, I am being undermined. Again, you are creating a prison. I am. This is fact.

I am being undermined. All of me is being undermined. So I've got no choice but to shut down in the conversation. So one of the ways that we can start defusing is recognizing that when we label our thoughts, emotions and stories with an I am. And then the word. It's a big statement, yeah. It's almost like there is a cloud and you have become the cloud, and the cloud is the sad cloud.

As opposed to I feel sadness. Correct, correct. So the power here is exactly that. It's starting to- The language, how you use the language. How we language, how we language the language. How we language. How we language matters. Words matter.

So what we can start doing is, it's so simple. You can do it in a meeting. You can do it in a conversation with someone else. You can just start noticing your thoughts and stories for what they are, their thoughts and stories. So instead of I am sad, I'm noticing that I'm feeling sad. I'm being undermined. I'm noticing the thought that I'm being undermined. I'm not good enough. I'm noticing that this is my I'm not good enough story. This is coming up for me.

This is coming up for me. So when you start noticing your thoughts, emotions, stories for what they are, what you are actually doing in effect is you're moving from being the cloud i am the sad cloud into recognizing and for everyone listening right now you are not the cloud you you are the sky you know you are not the cloud you are the sky and and and and there is a cloud there is a cloud in the sky you are the sky you are human and messy and capacious and beautiful and and real and and authentic and you enough to have all of your difficult thoughts emotions and stories and stories, and to still be the sky, to still be the you. That's powerful. Susan, I want to acknowledge you for your decades of research

and work on what I think is the thing that either holds us back or propels us forward in a big way. And a lot of people are prisoners of their emotion. I feel like there's so many free people in the world who aren't in prison, but we put ourselves in an emotional prison that holds us back from peace, joy, love, intimacy, creating the life we want. And we are sickened internally, which manifests physically or in relational

or in whatever by these emotions sometimes and so i'm so grateful for you for creating tools strategies for people to upgrade their tools and strategies that weren't working for them and so they can have a more harmonious life while not blocking emotions feeling the range of them but not being a captive and a prisoner to them so i really acknowledge you for your consistent dedication to this thank you and thank you for helping us to get these words out of course of course um i i asked you this last time i think it was like four years ago when you're on last time so i'm gonna ask you this question it's um called the three truths. So imagine a hypothetical scenario.

You live as long as you want to live, but it's your last day. Hypothetically, you accomplish everything you want to accomplish. You live your life the way you want to do it. But for whatever reason, you have to take all of your work with you. All of your messages, this conversation, your book, it's for whatever reason gone. It's not available anymore. But you get to leave behind three lessons to the world, three things you know to be true from your life,

your experiences, your wisdom. What would you say are those three truths for you? Before the interview continues, if you feel like you're not living your most authentic life, not leaning into your purpose and not living the life that your future self would be extremely proud of, I've written a new book called The Greatness Mind greatness mindset and i think you're gonna love this through powerful stories science-backed strategies and step-by-step guidance the greatness mindset will help you

overcome all the different challenges in your life to design the life of your dreams and then turn it into your reality make sure to click the link below in the description to get your copy today. Okay, let's get back to this video. I would love to capture the three truths in things that feel practical for people. I think one of the truths is that for every person listening, doesn't matter if you're 30 or 40 or 50, for every person listening, there is a child inside of you. There is a five-year-old and that five-year-old is tugging at your sleeve.

And that five-year-old is saying, see me, love me, hear me, connect with me. So I think one of the truths is going to be to turn and face your five-year-old child and ask your five-year-old what it needs does it need spontaneity does it need creativity um healing yeah one of one of the truths i think is that when we hold our child inside of us with gentleness And we also recognize that there is, however old you are now, whether it's 30 or 40 or 50, there's someone 20 years, so there's, I'm 50, so there's a 70 year old me. There's also a 70 year old looking back and saying, see me, love me, do what's important. And so I think one of the truths is that we are not alone in the world. Even if we

feel alone, we've got a child inside of us. And we've got an older version inside of us. That's so true. And that if we walk the journey with both of those people holding our hands, we have an infinite source of grounding and wisdom. So I think that for me is one of the truths. That's beautiful. I think another truth is that there is a mythology that being compassionate towards yourself is about being weak and lazy. It's like letting yourself off the hook. It's about lying to yourself. And when we think about a little child in a restaurant

running away from its parents and looking back to make sure that the parents are there, it's the knowledge that the child has that his parents are there, that if something goes wrong, that they'll step in. It's that knowledge that actually allows the child to explore the restaurant and to learn and grow and so i think a second truth is that self-compassion is doing for ourselves what we see with that child and the parents and what i mean by that is it's when you are kind to yourself that you actually, it's when you have your own back that you are actually more likely to take risks, to learn, to grow and be vulnerable.

And so I think a truth is the truth that self-compassion is the cornerstone to thriving and resilience. milestone to thriving and resilience. And then I think that the third truth is a difficult truth, which is before my father died, I was five years old. And my father died 10 years later when I was 15. And when I was little, I would go into my father and my mom's bedroom. And at five years old, a lot of kids become aware of their own mortality. So they start to recognize that one day their parents won't be there. And I would find my way into my parents' bed night after night after night after night after night, much to their dismay. And i would cry and i would say to my dad

daddy promise me you'll never die oh man and this was 10 years before my dad was diagnosed with cancer 10 years and i used to say daddy promised me you'll never die daddy promised me you'll never die and my father could have done the forced false positivity, just be grateful for the time we've got together. He could have done that. But he chose not to. He could have buffered me from the truth, but he chose not to. And what he said to me is, Susie, we all die. It's normal to be scared.

Wow. And Lewis, what I understood as a truth of the way that he was guiding me through those long dark nights is he was saying to me that courage is not an absence of fear. Courage is fear walking. Courage is about being able to hold your fear, your change, your concern, your sadness, your whatever it is in one hand, and to move forward with your values in the other. Courage is not the absence of fear. And I think for me, it was very powerful because in a world that tells us to do away with fear, in a world that says, oh, you know, even in a pandemic, look for the silver lining. Never mind we're in the shadow of illness and death.

There is actually profound resilience by being able to walk into the future holding both. Holding both your fear and holding your courage because that is what life is asking of us every day. Life is saying, are you agile? And it's, and it's born of a correspondence with your own heart. I hope you enjoyed today's episode and it inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full rundown of today's episode with all the important links. And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me personally, as well as ad free listening, then make sure to subscribe to our greatness plus channel exclusively on Apple podcasts. Share this with a friend on social

media and leave us a review on apple podcast as well Let me know what you enjoyed about this episode in that review I really love hearing feedback from you and it helps us figure out how we can support and serve you moving forward And I want to remind you if no one has told you lately that you are loved you are worthy And you matter and now it's time to go out there and do something great.