The School of Greatness - These Dating MYTHS Are DESTROYING Your Love Life (What A Healthy Partner REALLY Wants!) | Sadia Khan

Episode Date: November 20, 2023

Joining us is the renowned relationship expert and author, Sadia Khan. With years of experience in the field, Sadia has been a guiding light for individuals seeking love, companionship, and personal growth. Today, we're delving into a topic that many of us can relate to – dating. Whether you're a novice or a seasoned dater, we've got you covered.After graduating in psychology and completing masters in developmental psychology Sadia began teaching in inner London schools amongst children of deprived backgrounds. She then went on to teach privileged students in Dubai and noticed not only the economic but psychological advantage wealth provides children when their parents can access therapy. Sadia decided to complete her studies in psychotherapy and decided to post a few videos online mainly to make therapy accessible to those who may struggle to afford it and to make therapy more digestible to those who may not understand the concept. The videos blew up and changed her career path to online therapist, podcaster and content creator racking over 100 million views online.In this episode you will learnCommon traits of all poor communicatorsThe #1 reason women feel unsafe in relationshipsWhy people change their personality to fit their partnersWho files for divorce more, men vs. womenHow to gain confidence and self esteem to attract the right partnerFor more information go to www.lewishowes.com/1533For more Greatness text PODCAST to [phone]More SOG episodes on Radical Self Love & Acceptance:Jason Derulo – https://link.chtbl.com/1460-podKaramo Brown – https://link.chtbl.com/1457-podPokimane – https://link.chtbl.com/1443-pod

People have this arrogance where they're like, if I have to communicate, it's not real. In this world, especially because of movies and shows and songs, it's taught us that if we have to explain it, then that person doesn't love you. They should be able to mind read and predict and stuff. And then it creates the ingredients for a distant relationship. Communicating effectively is essential. Welcome to the School of Greatness. My name is Lewis Howes, a former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur.

And each week we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin. I've interviewed a lot of people over the last 10 years, and typically when someone has a lot of wisdom like yourself, they don't get to wisdom because everything was perfect. Yeah. And everything was happy and safe and comfortable and life was good.

Yeah. There's usually some challenge trauma breakdown at some stage of their life you know if they're maybe they're in a marriage that went one way they got divorced and they realized like oh there was a pattern that i lived or something happened and so i'm going to go down this path because i had this experience yeah it was childhood thing or something like that what do you think makes you so wise around these concepts of relationships? And also, great context, you're not married, you don't have kids. So there's going to be people saying, well, she doesn't, you know, she's speaking about this, but she hasn't really experienced relationship at this level.

What makes you qualified to have this wisdom with where you're at in your life? you qualified to have this wisdom with where you're at in your life? I don't know if it makes me qualified, but I would say that there has to be a healthy level of trauma to ignite this level of curiosity towards human nature. And I think in my particular case, I faced a lot of neglect, particularly from siblings. I was very much like the middle child, very much neglected, very much by myself. And the thing that was really bizarre for me is I'd be such a big personality outside of the home. I had so many friends and so many people would gravitate towards me. And I would go in my home and my siblings would totally ignore me and act like I don't exist. And I would be spending countless amount of time by myself

in my bedroom while they would have a great time and I could hear them laughing and joking and stuff and I was automatically kind of in between two worlds and so what would happen is I understood that the reaction I was getting outside of the home was not the same as I'm getting in the home and it was causing something in me I remember feeling like I know I'm worthy of love because everybody else seems to love me loads but I don't feel worthy of love because everybody else seems to love me loads, but I don't feel worthy of love because the people I want it from don't give it to me. So because I had this kind of dichotomy of like self-esteem, I then realized how self-sabotaging I can be and how difficult I can be. In so many relationships when people would be so loved, and even to this day, like if somebody compliments me, I find it so difficult to accept a compliment. And I start to dislike the person who's complimenting me. Really? Absolutely. So if I don't want to be

your friend, I'll be nice to you. Exactly. If I don't want to be your friend, be nice to you. Exactly. The quickest way to get me to dislike you is to give me compliments. Really? Absolutely. All of my closest friends are hypercritical of me and I keep it that way. They'll say to me, that looks bad, or you look terrible there, or you've gained weight. I think honesty and feedback all of my closest friends are hypercritical of me and I keep it that way they'll say to me that looks bad or you look terrible there or you've gained weight I think honesty and feedback is great yeah you know it's also a great resource for a friend as opposed to over complimenting something that's not true maybe so there's some there's some balance in there but there's a strong dislike towards people who compliment me a lot because a part of me believes they're lying to me

and it would probably be because at home I never got a single compliment till this day I don't think I've ever had a compliment so I think what happened is my home life and my self-esteem was so separated from my confidence I had loads and loads of confidence but no real self-esteem and I saw how on the surface I come across really well put together and really like, you know, confident, all these things. But when you get to know me, especially when the way my partner knows me, they see all of these insecurities and all of this pain and all of this thing. And it's like that Sadi I met and the Sadi that like is now in love is two different people. Really? And me realizing that made me kind of go down this journey of understanding human behavior in a way that I guess requires a bit more empathy than somebody who would have it completely perfect.

Yes. You've really researched a lot. Yeah. Did that do the same for you with your trauma? Absolutely. I mean, again, being the youngest of four and kind of feeling like I was always the one left out, right? I was a five, seven, eight-year-old brat, just running around trying to get attention from my older siblings. They're off with their friends. They don't want anything to do with me. I understand. I'm four years younger than my other sibling and then 11 years younger from my brother.

So they don't want to hang out with a five or seven-year-old. And they had their own stress. So I don't blame them. But I felt very alone my whole childhood until I turned 13 and I left home. Yeah. And I was like, I can't deal with this pain anymore. Get me out.

And I was telling you beforehand, that made me an observer of human beings. Yeah. My whole childhood, because I didn't feel like I belonged or fit in or was accepted, which I think a lot of people feel in some instance in their life. They don't feel like they belong, they fit in, or they're not accepted in some way. I felt that until I was 13, really. I sat and watched people and I observed people.

What makes them react a certain way? Why are they in this energetic state? What makes them cry? What makes them laugh? Why are they reacting to this? What was it? And so I just would watch people all day because no one would hang out with me. I would watch people at school. I'd watch people, you know, on the streets or I'd watch my siblings. I would

just watch because no one would want to spend time with me. And that became an incredible skill set of understanding people, of seeing people and having compassion yeah seeing people and learning how to connect better and it's an ongoing journey in a process but you know that pain for really decade plus became something that was a superpower in a sense that allowed me to allow me to have curiosity someone like yourself being like, tell me more. Yeah. I want to learn. I'm fascinated by what you've experienced, what you've learned,

and why this pain or this challenge affected you to be this way. Yeah. Because I know what affected me to be this way than I am. Yeah. And it actually made me very androgynous. The thing is sometimes the comments I get is, oh, you're feminine and stuff. But I actually consider myself really, I'm not this non-binary, all this stuff. But mentally, I think my content tends to be quite gender neutral. I kind of talk about men and women quite equally.

But it's because I was left out from my sisters, girls. So what happened is I didn't identify with being a woman. And the other thing that is really interesting is when I was the third girl in my culture, Pakistani culture, you want boys. So when I was born, my parents were hysterically Pakistani culture, you want boys. So when I was born, my parents were hysterically crying. They couldn't believe they had a girl. They were crying their eyes out to the point where the nurse came in thinking I stopped breathing. And like, we didn't want a girl. We really didn't want a girl. And so what happened is I grew up with almost like thinking I'm not a girl in a way, like I'm not one of the girls. I'm not one of the girls,

but I am so feminine. So what would happen is I would always have more male friends and I'd always understand the male brain a bit better than the female brain because I always saw females as like people who don't like me and males would always be really nice to me so I always kind of understood them way better than and being a woman I understand women but I got this insight into the male brain that I couldn't have accessed if I wasn't so segregated from my sisters. So it actually helped me academically and in this career path, maybe not emotionally, but it definitely helped me in this way. Okay. There's a few things I want to talk about, but something came up for me. In a heterosexual relationship, what is it that men really want versus what women really want? Based on your

experience growing up with men and understanding the male brain and being a woman, what is it that men really want and that women really want? And if each opposite knew this, they would have a much better relationship. I think for men, the ability to be completely unapologetically themselves and have their needs predicted is something they can't do anywhere else in the world. What I mean by that is for women, my best friend, for example, she'll know when I'm feeling low and she might get me a chocolate or my other best friends, I know I can call her when I'm stressed, sad, whatever it is. I can outsource this ability to have my needs met and without saying a word, because women tend to be quite emotionally intelligent, and I have the ability to be

myself, vulnerable, happy, sad, whatever it is. For men in the real world, they have to be a man. They have to wear a bit of a mask. So they have to look like they've got it put together. They have to look like they're in control. They have to look, they have to look, they have to look. So if they can go home where they can take the mask off and still be loved and appreciated, that an appreciation for them isn't just a quick thank you. It's also like, I know you're tired. I know you're hungry. I know you need to get up early. So I'm just turning, I'm putting the kids to bed. I'm just turning the volume off. I know you need to get to bed. That is a form of appreciation for them. So I think if they have a woman or an environment where they can take the mask off and their needs can be predicted, it's something that they think they can only

dream of. They don't know that that actually exists for them. But do you agree or do you, like, what do you think from your perspective as a man? I mean, I think I can speak from my perspective and maybe like male friends that I talk to who are, um, you know, business owners who have, you know, multiple responsibilities beyond themselves. Um, and they have lots of employees or something like that or a brand or something is that there is a weight. There is a weight that these men feel and that I feel at times. And I'm not saying, Oh, what was me? I have a weight or something. It's just, you've got to show up responsible for people more than just yourself. You've got to show up and deliver, not once in a while, but every single day.

Yeah. And I welcome the responsibility. responsibility to have a vessel physically and emotionally and mentally and spiritually to carry the weight that, uh, you know, has been given, provided for me. I'm blessed. And that's why I train myself physically, spiritually, mentally, and emotionally to take it on where it feels light. Yeah. So that it doesn't weigh me down, but that doesn't mean there aren't days when it isn't challenging. Yeah. And just wanting to be able to go and relax and feel peace at home is the highest currency. Mm-hmm.

Feeling accepted and having a sense of peace. Yeah. And what would that look like for you? I mean, I get it almost every night. So I feel blessed, right? for you i mean i get it almost every night so i feel blessed right um and that's that's that's why i feel even more peace um because of that and i but i why i'm blessed is because i know the complete opposite of it i know being and i'm not blaming anyone it's just i know what it felt like to not feel that yeah and it feels more weight is piled on top of you. And I'm not saying

it's the woman's responsibility or this and this. It's really just, I didn't choose correctly and that's okay. And I didn't communicate the right way and I had healing to do and all sorts of stuff. I think peace is definitely created. I know a lot of men say they want peace, but usually the men that are like, ah, dying for peace and can't find it is either they've chosen super chaotic, but they might be engaging behaviors that are also not conducive to peace. They don't have self-control. They don't have self-control. They're coming home late, they're drinking too much, they're watching pornography, and then they scream at their wife, like, why can't you give me peace?

But honestly, when you meet a man who selects wisely and has self-control, peace is an inevitable outcome. He doesn't have to ask for it. So I'm hearing you say like a man that can have someone meet their predictable needs, correct? As a form of appreciation. As a form of appreciation, which there might be women saying, well, how am I going to predict when he can't predict what I want? When he's not reading my mind, when he's not there for me, when I tell him everything's fine, but I actually have an attitude and I'm not showing that everything's fine how am I supposed to predict and be there for him if he can do that for me because you have to ask yourself do I like that he doesn't do that for me do I like that experience

of him not seeing it not doing it so and so if I don't like it then surely why would I create that also why would I emulate a behavior I dislike so perhaps you can role model the behavior you like and also manage your expectations. What I mean by this is when somebody isn't predicting your needs, men and women, or isn't doing it, is it deliberate? Is it that, oh, I'm not going to do it for you? Or is it a case of, oh, I didn't know, let me help.

So the reality is, are you communicating it before you get angry? And communicating early on, not after you're married and saying, this is what I need, but actually communicating early on. This is something that I did differently and so did Martha. We communicated early on, this is what I'm going to need now. This is what I'm going to need in the future. It's not like these crazy needs. It's just like, to be in a committed relationship, to commit and be all in and be giving and of service and thinking about a future together. Here's what I'm going to need. And here, here's what I'm willing to do. Here's what I'm not willing to do. And it's so wild because if any job description, anything like that, we'd want to know exactly what to do in order to get them to get promoted or whatever it is. And it doesn't mean there's good, it's not going to grow and evolve and there's going to be, you know, flexibility, but it's like at least communicate

the basic needs. But people have this arrogance where they're like, if I have to communicate it's not real because they watch too many movies. Oh my gosh. Yeah, so what's happening especially in Western culture, in any other culture, in any other period of time, it's like, of course you tell people what you want. How else are they going to know? But in this

world, especially because of movies and shows and songs, it's taught us that if we have to explain it, then that person doesn't love you. They should be able to mind read and predict and stuff. And then it creates the ingredients for a distant relationship emotionally. So I think communicating effectively is essential. So what is it that if a man truly knew what a woman wanted, they would have a happier, healthier relationship? It's difficult because it all depends on if you've chosen a woman who's healed and not so chaotic, essentially what they want is to be protected in a way that nobody else

can. And what I mean by protected, it can be financial, emotional, whatever it is, but it's a way if I'm protecting my woman emotionally, I'm not engaging in behaviors that will humiliate or hurt her. If I'm protecting her financially, it means I'm giving her my best. It doesn't mean I'm giving her everything, but the best I can do. If I'm a taxi driver, I'm covering what I can cover. But if I'm somebody who's frugal with her she will always feel like she's more powerful than you and whenever she feels like he's not protecting she feels more powerful and then she becomes disrespectful but when she has a man that's protective of her both

her safety her emotions and finances she then keeps allows him to take control. And whenever we feel more powerful than a man, we feel unsafe. And that unsafety makes us disrespect him and then look for other men. It's almost evolved. So therefore, if it can protect us in those ways, we remain feeling safe. So it's essential. So what's the number one thing that makes women feel unsafe from the man they're with? I would say that showing a complete disregard for her emotional well-being. And that doesn't have to be sleeping. It doesn't have to go that far

to sleeping with other women. It might be as simple as not replying to her messages or, you know, behaving online, like liking it. I know it sounds so bizarre, but you'll be so surprised at how unsafe a woman can feel simply by watching who his pictures he's liking and commenting and saving it's such a simple thing from a man but from a woman's perspective it almost ignites her fight or flight response isn't that is that weird to a man um it doesn't work for insecure women i think to a conscious man it makes sense yeah you're like okay would i like her doing this? Maybe you wouldn't, but maybe it wouldn't matter. Like for me, it doesn't really matter what she does.

Yeah, because you've established that trust. Yeah, and if we haven't created an agreement on something, then she's going to do what she wants to do. And then I would just acknowledge and say, hey, I don't really like this. Can we make an agreement on this? Yeah. And we'll figure out what that is. And and then cool, we've created a new dynamic, right? But I also just feel confident with who I am. And so if she's off doing something,

which she never has, and I don't think she would ever do it, but if she's off doing something and I would find out eventually and I'd say, okay, well, that's unfortunate, but I guess this isn't the right fit or we need to figure out how to mend this or I'll be okay. If you want to go live this life, that's fine. It's just not going to be with me. It's like, all right, that's sad. It's unfortunate. That's a healthy way to see it because a lot of people think addiction is a testament to how much you love someone. The fact that you can't let them go must mean you really love them. But actually, it means that you haven't established healthy boundaries and you don't have any self-esteem. Yeah. But there's also probably certain things that Martha may want to do that I want to do

myself. And maybe it's not the highest value that I would have for with my time or my energy or whatever, but it's who she is. It's unique to her. So I'm going to accept her for who she is. And I've chosen to accept her. That's why when I got committed to her, right before we committed, I said, listen, is there anything else I need to know about you? Because I felt like I asked her as much as I could in a few months period, right? And I got to meet her family and travel and do all these things you get to experience together that could cause upset or different things come out. So I feel like I got to know at least a good amount in a short period of time. I said to her, as long as this is who you are and who you're going to continue to be,

there's nothing that upsets me. Oh, there's no deal breakers. Well, I was just like, I'm going to accept who you are. You know, where there's some men that are like, okay, you're, you were a model or whatever. You did something. And now I don't want you to do that anymore. Yeah. Now that we're together, you can't do this thing anymore.

Martha's an actress. Mm-hmm. So she's done, I don't know, 40 different movies. Yeah. She's kissed men in movies. Yeah. She's done the different intimate scenes. Yeah.

I know that. Yeah. And therefore, I had to ask myself, do I accept this if she continues being who she is? Yeah. Exactly. And I had to say, okay, I'm okay with that. As opposed to, you can't do this anymore. do I accept this if she continues being who she is? Yeah, exactly. And I had to say, okay, I'm okay with that. As opposed to you can't do this anymore. You have to change to fit into my world.

But that's the difference between insecure and boundaries. Because here's the thing, a lot of men, they'll say, no, I'm not being insecure. I'm just setting boundaries. But you are being insecure because here's the difference between insecure and boundaries. A secure man will see what you have to offer, like read the menu and decide if he will stay or leave. An insecure man will say, you need to do this, you need to do this.

Rather than just saying, you are who you are, I'm going to have to leave. You're not right for me. You're not right for me. Why do we try to change people from who they are to fit our world? Because we're too insecure to walk away. Yeah. When we develop the winningness to walk away, we actually love people for who they are. You know what? You're always out in the club all day, but then you actually like that you're really lively and extra, but it doesn't work for me. But when I'm insecure, it's like,

please be something else because I can't walk away from this. I can't find anybody else. So I'm always holding them by the throat and begging them to be a better person because I can't walk away from this I can't find anybody else so I'm always holding them by the throat begging them to be a better person because I don't have the strength to know when to walk away so that's when we've been both of those in the I've been yeah yeah and it's so much nicer when you can become the person that just says it's okay yeah it's okay and there's other humans in the world so you can keep it moving and And that's what the boundary is between a secure and insecure man or woman. And waiting for them to change is just waiting for the divorce. When women think that a man will change in the future, like he's got so much potential. He's

so great here and here. And I love his family so much. They've welcomed me in. But there's these two or three things that I just, man, maybe one day it'll change. What typically happens in that relationship? They've fallen in love with their imagination. And when reality strikes, and unfortunately reality strikes, at some point reality strikes, when we fall in love with our imagination, which we're very capable of doing, particularly if we're traumatized. One thing with traumatized people is that their imagination and reality can get blurred. When we fall in love with our imagination unfortunately life will keep testing you and reality testing will keep occurring until you're forced to face the person they truly

are and it's usually kids or 10 years later or something like that and then they'll say they'll act like these um you know i i didn't know he was like this. He came out of nowhere. How can he's like this? But really they showed you who they were from day one. They always showed you, you fell in love with your imagination and now you're angry that your imagination is not reality based. So unfortunately it doesn't end well. It's better to just be, accept the person for who they are, flaws and all, than to live in the illusion that they're going to change. Before you marry and get committed at that level. What is, from the people that I've, the women that I've talked to who have been married

and divorced, I always like to ask this question. Yeah. Did you know before you got married that it probably wasn't the right person? Like somewhere inside you knew, or maybe you actually knew, but you just were too far along and you went through with it thinking you would change. Yeah. Probably 95% of them said, yes, I knew. I knew the day I got married. I knew the week before I knew afterwards, but I would try to make it work anyways. Yeah. Why do you think so many women get married knowing it's the wrong man? I think what happens is the biological pressure to become something we can't escape. And I think no matter how many holidays we can

kid ourselves with and how many career opportunities and how many alternatives, there's a biological thing that kicks in with women at late 20s even. It doesn't have to wait till people think it happens really late. It doesn't. It happens quite early on where they start to think that they need to know what the future will look like to ease their anxiety. Even if they're not going to have kids today, to ease their anxiety that they will become a mother, they just want to settle down. They just want to tick that box. And in the process of kind of submitting to the evolutionary pressures and societal pressures, they overlook

the red flags. And sometimes it's not the man that's the issue. They knew themselves that they're not ready for marriage. They know themselves they're not very good at conflict or they know themselves they're still attached to an ex, but the pressure to settle down that they apply on themselves and their body kind of calls for, causes them to walk down the aisle knowing what the result will be. Do men have that too? I don't ask men that question as much. What I found with men is they can sometimes know that they're not marrying the right person, but usually because these men, they tend to be okay with accepting the monotony of marriage. Those men that walk down the aisle knowing it's not the right person, they tend to be like, it's not the right person, but I'm okay with settling down. And I accept

the bland reality of marriage. They've succumbed to it. But with women who know, they will eventually go in and ask for the divorce. Men are happy to stay married, even if they're not madly in love or not madly happy, if they're that kind of guy. Who files for a divorce more, men or women? Women, yeah. Why is that? A lot of the time it's a cry for help. There's been so many times where women say to me, it's like, oh, I told him I wanted a divorce, but hoping he'd come back for me, but he let me pack my bags. And so sometimes they file for divorce or take it that far as a way of testing

their partner. And if they're with quite a healthy partner, they'll take your word as gospel, and they think you mean it. Why do so many women try to test their men constantly? It's an evolutionary thing. It's an evolutionary thing because here's the reality. We are designed to have children with men, and childbirth is potentially fatal. We die from childbirth if we were left in,

you know, our natural habitat. So to put that risk onto a relationship, he better be able to endure all types of storms. So we have to test them. So we have to, unfortunately, test them. We have to test, are they going to be faithful? Are they going to be financially stable? Are they going to be able to have their own boundaries? We push, we push, we push. Now, the problem is, unfortunately for men, is when we push you and you succumb to us, you automatically lose us. What we're saying when we're pushing you is really make sure you don't give into this,

because if you do, then I know you're not strong enough. Oh my God. Give me an example. What's a common example? It might be something like I push a man to say, I'm going to come home when I want. I bet I'm going to come home and do what I want with the girls wherever. I'm going to come on girls trips. I'm going to do whatever I want. Push you, push you, push you. And then when you actually give in and say, okay, essentially she feels like she's not being protected.

So she feels like nobody's governing her. You're not responding. You're not responding. You're not responsible. Or she might say, I'm talking to my ex-boyfriend. And you say, I don't feel comfortable with that. She goes, no, you have to, I have to, I have to. Fine.

He accepts it. Essentially, she's saying that you don't mind cocodrille. You don't mind if I have an affair. Bye. So essentially what we're begging for sometimes is the boundary, not the kind of, we're not looking for you to bow down. Wow. So hard for men to figure that out. I feel so bad for men. It's like reverse psychology all the time, unfortunately. Outside of people who are divorced and are responsible for communicating with their exes to co-parent. To co-parent, yeah. Do you think it's possible for a man or a woman

to speak to an ex-partner as a friend while they're in a new relationship and not be an issue? I think it's definitely possible, but it's not necessarily respectful. Here's the thing, it's definitely possible. Two people can move past it and they're not into each other and whatever it is, but it's not respectful to your new connection. So you have to choose whether just because I have the ability to have a very platonic relationship with an ex doesn't mean I should have the willingness to do it if it disrespects my current relationship or my current partner.

If your partner's okay with it, maybe that's different, but I just think you should be self-regulated enough to know where your values are based. And when you enter a relationship, a part of that should be to respect it enough to let go of relationships that don't serve the new relationship in a way that's going to be constructive. What do you think? I think that's right. Yeah, I was going to ask you, do you think a man or a woman who is not liking if their partner is speaking to their ex-relationship, does that mean they are jealous and insecure or actually they have self-esteem? I think it's an element of boundaries. I think it's just a case of I think we naturally desire partners who are self-regulated. We naturally want a partner that says, oh, I'm in a relationship now.

I love you and I care for you, but I'm in a relationship and I don't want it to affect my new partner so we naturally want somebody who has that now if we are asking for them to have that and it doesn't necessarily mean insecure it just means that you prioritize the relationship over other relationships that should really be a priority and a formal relationship outside of children with children is really important and it's really important to have a healthy relationship but outside of children. With children, it's really important, and it's really important to have a healthy relationship. But outside of children, it doesn't have to trigger jealousy, but it would be nice if your partner respected things without you having to voice them.

Sure, sure. Would you be okay with somebody speaking to an ex? I wouldn't like it. Yeah. It doesn't mean I would feel like, okay, you spoke to your ex, like, why? Yeah. I would say, why do you need to? It doesn't mean they're going to have an affair.

I wouldn't be insecure about it. No, no. I'd be like, talk to whoever you want to. Yeah. Because it's not going to make me insecure as a human. Because if you want to be with your ex, then go be with them. Yeah. Don't be with me.

Yeah. But I would just be like, why is this necessary? So if they had kids together, that's the only thing that makes sense. But if you just want to hang out and talk to them while you go, that doesn't work for me. It doesn't make any sense. It doesn't work for me. Yeah. And I just want to understand it.

And it's not necessary. If things are necessary, it makes total sense. What do you need to talk to them? It's not necessary. That's what I would say to that as well. I wanted to ask you a question about self-control and self-esteem. Yeah. On a scale of 1 to 10 for you personally, 10 being high and 1 being low,

where are you on self-control and personal self-esteem? I would say about a 6. I'm not as high as i'd like to be on what self-control self-control i've got a lot i never drink and i don't overeat and i do i go to the gym and stuff like that but my here's the thing my self-control goes out the window drink when i'm angry i hear this is a thing so what happens when you're angry you're triggered when the lioness comes out what what happens? I'm mean. And so the thing is, I pray five times. I'll fast in Ramadan.

I don't really swear. I don't watch pornography. All of these things are great. But the thing is, those are really self, like what I do for myself. But when I get angry, I hurt the people I love the most. And therefore, I can't say my self-control is high. And as a result, I can't say my self-esteem is high because nothing hurts me more than hurting the people I love. So it's almost like a paradox. But because of my temper, it's gotten better. It gets better. I think I'm just seeing lost energy over the years.

But when you hurt people because you can't control your tongue, you go back feeling loads of shame and guilt. Afterwards, you feel bad the next day. Absolutely, whereas when you hold your tongue, there's no shame and guilt, zero. So even on a spiritual level, on a religious level, on an emotional level, when you can't control your tongue, what good is it that you can get to the gym at 5 a.m.? What good is it that you can avoid carbs for a week

if you're hurting people with your tongue? And especially when, this is the problem, when you're like a bit of a speaker and an eloquent speaker or whatever it is, you're equally eloquent when you're being horrible. So you're literally- It hurts even more. Even more.

Because you're rationalized. Because you're smart and witty. So awful. So, okay, you said seven on self-control? Yeah. Six or seven? Six or seven because of my temper and self-esteem where are you i would say six as well and is it different with your self-esteem in your career versus relationships i derive no self-esteem from my career zero no self-esteem zero come on

it's not weird you wouldn't be able to create content consistently if you have zero self-esteem so you have to have some self-esteem. I got confidence. Here's what I do have. You have confidence? I have confidence but not self-esteem. What's the difference between the two? Confidence is my ability to get the job done.

I can release a good video. I know that. And I can speak well on a podcast. I know that. Whatever it is. Self-esteem is do I deserve this level of accolade and notoriety? Not really. In my head.

No, not really. In my head, it's just like do I deserve this level of like because I always say and Iiety. Not really. In my head. No, not really. In my head, it's just like, do I deserve this level of like, because I always say, and I feel bad about this. You know, some people are like manifesting this for years and they've got a team and they've got, had a vision board and they've hired somebody. I never thought about being on social media. I have a bunch of spelling errors in every post because I don't even proofread. I literally post while I'm on the treadmill. I take zero pride or energy and it just, praise be to God, just happens to land well. So my confidence is through the roof. I can do it all day, any day. I know that. Self-esteem wise, there's always an element. And this is why I have the imposter syndrome. This is why I was so nervous

when I met you. I was like shaking. I was like, oh, because I'm confident, but I don't know if I deserve to be here with you. So that's where my self-esteem, for some reason, doesn't seem to catch up with my confidence. Not yet, anyway. How do you have confidence in putting something out if you know people are going to see it, though? When you know people are going to see it, and they're going to comment on it, and they're going to give critique, good or bad, or between, how do you have the confidence to put it out there if you lack the self-esteem to receive whatever comes from back? I think it's just growing up as a punching bag that you're almost prepared for negativity. I think that's what it did.

It created me such a thick skin that it's not that I'm posting because I think I'm so great. It's I'm posting because I can handle the hate. And weirdly, I get so much hate. And it's not weirdly. Understand weirdly, I get so much hate. And it's not weirdly, understandably, I get so much hate. And considering I'm relatively like, I'm not out here like trying to like kill your dog. I'm just going to turn a hole. But I get such a disproportionate amount of hate for considering my line of work. And it's because I'm always ready for it.

I'm always ready for that because I've always received a lot of criticism and a lot of hate. Not just with sisters, just in general general with women in general throughout my life. So because I've always received that, I have the confidence because here's the thing, confidence isn't necessarily how great you think you are at something. It's your ability to accept the rejection. So because I have zero concern that you're going to be offended or you're going to be hurt or you're going to upset me, that's what pushes me to do it. It's okay for me. So it's a bit like if I cook something and you didn't love it, I'm okay with that. That makes me confident. Not just because of the positive, but I can accept the worst case scenario. Because I can accept worst case scenario or the hate or

this, that, and the other, that's why I have confidence. But self-esteem doesn't really come from that. It's like you can accept the worst case scenario, but you can't accept the best case. Absolutely not. Is that so weird? But you have the confidence to put out stuff consistently. Such a weirdo. That's an interesting dynamic. Such a weirdo, right?

None of it makes sense. Sadia, what would life be like if you were able to receive all the positive abundance that comes your way? Love, affirmations, generosity, kindness, compliments. What would life feel like if you could truly receive it? I would sleep better. I think that's the main thing. I would sleep a lot better. I think I constantly have like micro awakenings because I'm very good at kind of brushing away the anxiety, but your body keeps score of everything. And the amount,

the way I kind of sleep is always a signal that you're not at peace and you haven't accepted the love that's ever been directed towards you almost push it away and you home in on the negative and you sabotage the love in some way shape or form and i think if i accepted it in the right way i would sleep a lot better how do you how do you sleep right now terribly yeah i love it in LA because I've got a jet lag. So I'm, for some reason I'm asleep at 8 PM and waking up at 4 AM. But in the real world, I have to numb myself into sleep. So I have to watch something that will distract me from my thoughts. I have to, I can't be alone with myself. So I have to keep noise on. I have to watch

something. I have to distract, trick myself into falling asleep but just a gentle rest will never come to me isn't that weird that's not weird because for 30 years i couldn't sleep what did you do instead it's a trauma response to to feeling like something's gonna happen yeah unsafe like they did a study i used to wake up in the middle of the night screaming crying at the top of my lungs uh until my mom would come in probably till i was like nine or ten and what was it dreams or like that would make you like um i think my nervous system was so on high alert from not feeling emotionally safe or physically safe in some ways not necessarily because i felt like my parents were to do something to me but i

just didn't when you're emotionally unsafe, you typically are physically feel, your body feels unsafe. You can't trick it. You're not like, okay, I'm not worried about what's around my surroundings. You're always kind of like looking around and being like, what is that? What is that? You know? And so I, it would take me a while to go to sleep, right? An hour and a half a night. I would lay there and try to sleep. I couldn't do it. And I would just be ruminating on my thoughts, insecurities doubts traumas and um and i would just wake up screaming wow how old were you when that was yeah from five to probably nine or ten so big enough to like not be screaming yeah yeah it wasn't like i was two long baby um and i was still wasn't able to sleep until i hit 30 wow i mean i could sleep but it would take me an hour. Your body

would be exhausted, but your mind wouldn't. And I would stay up super late because I just couldn't sleep and I was worried. And so I had a lot of anxiety, anxious thoughts. And I started to sleep better when I started to heal the biggest traumas from the past. And then I started to sleep in five minutes. Oh, amazing. Nice, right? Yeah, but it was, you know. That's an evolutionary thing because we used to sleep in like hunter-gatherer times where there'd be predators and stuff. Only when we feel safe could we sleep well.

And they did studies on the Amish community. Johan Hari writes about this, where because they're collectivists and they all work together and they're all one group, they literally sleep like constantly in deep sleep so they get full sleep because they know they're so protected whereas in western cultures where people are isolated they sleep they have the highest rates of insomnia yeah so it's actually

biological being from ohio i've you know amish country is in ohio oh really amish communities oh i didn't know that. Wow. And simple clothes, you know, work on a farm, and they're usually selling something, you know. And they seem well- And you'll watch it. It's kind of like, it's fascinating. It looks like you're going back in time 100 years. And I have a lot of respect for the Amish community, for the community that they work together,

they share together, they give together, and they're all working together. Yeah. They're doing something physical. The kids are out and they're doing something, but they're around the parents close by, at least from my observation. And I can imagine if you're outside in nature, working hard all day long, you're going to pass out. Of course. And so much trust. You're okay. Your identity is so spread along the whole community that you're getting the Jewish community community do this really well as well yeah they share responsibility to children and

they like raise each other so they have this ability to not rely on their own um kind of a compromise to determine their self-esteem as long as the group is good they feel good so you spread it out and therefore it's very difficult to have an identity crisis because it's not all about you it's very hard to be bored it's very hard to be bored. It's very hard to be hard to feel, hard to feel depressed, hard to feel lonely, hard to feel all the things that are actually quite toxic and they, they create a buffer for it. Yeah. It's amazing. Do you think how many people in relationships do you feel like they feel alone

in the relationship? I would say particularly in the cultures where we live now, I think majority of them feel alone. And the reason being is, and Esther Perel really highlights this well, is that we've got all of our needs, like our social, emotional, cognitive, all of this, we're putting it all on one person. And when they can't fill all those needs, we start to feel alone. Whereas before we would have a community which spread all of those needs across different people. we would have a community which spread all of those needs across different people and as a result we wouldn't blame our partner for our lonely kind of experiences so i think and i notice this particularly with housewives and in western communities what happens with housewives

is because they're feeling under kind of they haven't fulfilled their potential completely in their mind i'm not saying that they haven't, but in their mind, they feel lonely. They feel super lonely because they always feel like they're a slave to the child for the first couple of years. And whereas before in our mom's generation, in their generations, there'd be so many other moms, there'd be so many stay-at-home moms, so many aunts, uncles, everybody would be close by, that child-rearing wasn't so difficult. Now you have to do it totally alone. So they end up finding it really difficult and they feel really lonely and they resent their husband as a result. Because if you just share it with somebody and he's usually gone to work or done something.

So they end up resenting, causes a lot of rift. Why do you think new moms like to do it alone versus do it with support? Parenting. Because we've created individualistic societies, what's happened is we don't trust people anymore. We see people as predators. Whereas in other societies, they literally share breastfeeding. They're like, give me your baby, put it on there. And they do stuff like that. They raise them, they pay for them, they do everything. So we've always created a fear of connection. We're afraid of sharing responsibility. And understandably, because

the world's a bit of a messy place. So what happens is they want to take sole responsibility, but then they're overburdened and then they're angry as a result. So it's a really tricky scenario for them. Knowing what you know and what you've studied and what you've heard from men and women in relationships and what you've heard from moms,

even though you're not a mom yet, what is it that you think you need to take responsibility for to set yourself up for healthy, conscious love with a partner, but also as a mom so you're not resentful, you're not lonely, you're not angry at your partner? What do you think you get to work on for yourself? I think in order to be that mom that's present and able to soothe that child, you have to ensure that there are no wounds within yourself that you're going to project onto that child or require your husband to feel for you. When you've still got these unmet wounds, what will happen is you'll either molly cuddle and over kind of attach it.

Over protect or what? Over protect. Over protect. Not allow them to experience emotion. Project your fears onto them and say, oh, no, don't touch this protect, over protect, not allow them to experience emotion, project your fears onto them and say, oh, don't touch this, everything's scary. Or you will neglect one or the other. And both of them are equally damaging. You're either passing on anxiety or you're passing on avoidance and, you know, distance. So I think until you heal those wounds, as much as you might want to be a mom, myself included,

it's better to reserve it to a time where you can do that child justice because we always can't redo their childhood. What's the part of you that feels like there's something that I'm still holding on to? I get to heal. I get to transform. I get to process so that you can step into motherhood one day of being the best mom you can be. God willing. I think when I am around children, what I learn and why I love them so, so much is the only environment where I don't feel judged because children don't really judge you. They just kind of like use you, play and stuff. And I remember being around 21 years old and going to

like a kid's party and just having the time of my life with these four-year-olds and they must have thought I was like some kind of I need to be on a register of some sort because I was just so obsessed with them but because I'm always felt so judged and rejected I always felt almost really at home with children really loved in it at home with children and I didn't want to kind of make that the responsibility of having a child for me to feel cushioned and for me to feel at home and for me to feel like I've got an insurance policy for an emotional connection for the rest of my life. be not as bad as I think I am. And I'm not as hated as I think I'm actually really appreciated. And therefore I don't need to rely on this child to heal a wound that they didn't create. Interesting. God willing.

Right. If I become a mom, God willing. This has been really inspiring, Sadie. I'm grateful for your conversation. No. And like I said to you earlier, I'm so grateful that you've provided society with an alternative to Netflix, an alternative to TV. It's just so impressive, and you're doing such a service to so many people by providing them an alternative. So I really, really make this possible. And yeah, this has been inspiring. How can we be of service to you today? How can we support you? Where can we follow you? Where would we like to direct people more about?

If they're loving this conversation, how can they get more from you? I still do one-to-one. So at Sadia Psychology on Instagram, YouTube, and TikTok. Still do one-to-ones. I also have a Patreon if you have a quick question you want to ask me I'm always available and I

put all of my extended content on there and yeah you can just pretty much see me on most people's TikTok feeds unfortunately I'm so so sorry I keep popping up even I get annoyed I see my face and I'm like oh god go away so I do apologize I happen to be everywhere but unfortunately

you'll probably see me in most places. That's great. You should be everywhere. Unfortunately. That's great. So thank you again so much for the opportunity. Of course. SadiaPsychology on Instagram.

Is it SadiaPsychology.com as well? Yeah, my website. Your website is SadiaPsychology.com as well. You're on YouTube also. I'm sure you'll have a lot more stuff coming out in the future. This is a question I ask everyone towards the end called the three truths. Okay. So imagine a hypothetical scenario. You get to live as long as you want, Sadia, but it's your last day on earth. You have the family, the kids, the career, the relationship, everything you want happens.

Right. But for whatever reason, all of your content has to go with you on your last day. Right. So no one has access to this information or anything you ever create in the world. But you get to leave behind a message that shares your three lessons to the world, your three truths. What would those three truths be for you? I would like to express my appreciation to God for creating a set of values that I could have never found by myself in the world that we live in today. So had he not sent his message, I would have been very lost. The other truth I would

say is the importance of connection with family and children. Children are really, really healing and important. And if we don't nurture them, unfortunately, we create the members of societies we grow on to hate. So nurture children as much as possible. And practice self-control. I would always say practice self-control is self-healing. So if you can form a way of practicing self-control, I promise you it's an investment in your future self that you'll appreciate. I love that.

Before I ask the final question, Sadia, I want to acknowledge you. I know you're probably not going to like me now. I hate this part. You're not going to like me. Maybe you don't want to come back on after this because I'm going to acknowledge you. I know you're probably not going to like me. I hate this thought. You're not going to like me. Maybe you don't want to come back on after this. You're going to hate me so often. I'm going to accomplish it. Your healing journey is going to start and continue when you allow love in,

when you allow compliments and acknowledgement in. And so maybe you won't do it right now, but I want to acknowledge you, Sadia, for your wisdom, your experience, the challenges that you've been through and are still going through to be able to have a perspective that can share and support people. And there's things that you've said today that I think will help a lot of people open their eyes.

Some things will land, other things won't land. Some things are going to resonate deeply and help people overcome a pain in their life. And other things, they may say, that doesn't work for me. Yeah. But either way, I acknowledge you for getting out of your comfort zone, leaning into your confidence, and being consistent by sharing this information with others because it is making an impact. So I really appreciate it. I acknowledge you. And the only thing you're allowed to say is thank you. Thank you. That was a struggle. That was a struggle. Yeah. Thank you.

Of course. And I was trying my hardest to believe in, can you believe that my mind starts to believe that you don't mean what you're saying as you're speaking? Isn't that terrible? But I will work on that. And I promise you when I, when I see you again, I will work on this. Perfect. That's your, that's your homework. That's your homework. That's my homework. That's your exercise. Thank you so much. I do appreciate that. Okay, Sadia, final question.

What's your definition of greatness? Fulfilling your potential in whatever area that may be and not relying on highs to soothe your anxieties. I hope today's episode inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a rundown of today's show with all the important links. And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me as well as ad-free listening experience, make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel on Apple Podcast.

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