The School of Greatness - Why 70% of Relationships End in The First Year w/ Sadia Khan

Episode Date: August 28, 2023

The Summit of Greatness is back! Buy your tickets today – summitofgreatness.com – After graduating in psychology and completing masters in developmental psychology Sadia began teaching in inner London schools amongst children of deprived backgrounds. She then went on to teach privileged students in Dubai and noticed not only the economic but psychological advantage wealth provides children when their parents can access therapy. Sadia decided to complete her studies in psychotherapy and decided to post a few videos online mainly to make therapy accessible to those who may struggle to afford it and to make therapy more digestible to those who may not understand the concept. The videos blew up and changed her career path to online therapist, podcaster and content creator racking over 100 million views online.In this episode you will learn,The #1 reason why men and women struggle to keep relationships and why narcissistic behaviors are so prevalent in dating today.Why women cheat more than men and the root cause of infidelity.The importance of self control when searching for a long term relationship.Practical advice to enhance your dating confidence, providing you with strategies to feel more self-assured on a first date.Strategies to handle commitment issues, enabling you to navigate this critical phase of relationships and lay the groundwork for a strong and enduring partnership.Buy Sadia's book - https://amzn.to/3OVV2meFor more information go to www.lewishowes.com/1491For more Greatness text PODCAST to [phone]Want more relationship episodes like this one?Sheleana Aiyana - https://link.chtbl.com/1436-podLewis Howes solo episode on relationships - https://link.chtbl.com/1450-pod

Calling all conscious achievers who are seeking more community and connection, I've got an invitation for you. Join me at this year's Summit of Greatness this September 7th through 9th in my hometown of Columbus, Ohio to unleash your true greatness. This is the one time a year that I gather the greatness community together in person for a powerful transformative weekend. People come from all over the world and you can expect to hear from inspiring speakers like Inky Johnson, Jaspreet Singh, Vanessa Van Edwards, Jen Sincero, and many more. You'll also be able to

dance your heart out to live music, get your body moving with group workouts, and connect with others at our evening socials. So if you're ready to learn, heal and grow alongside other incredible individuals in the greatness community, then you can learn more at lewishouse.com slash summit 2023. Make sure to grab your ticket, invite your friends and I'll see you there. Now when you go in wounded and expect the person to provide you medication, but you don't even tell them what disease you have we are then going to punish them for everything they do oh my gosh that's the worst feeling unfortunately you go in expecting them to be the healer or the doctor to

a wound that you didn't create but you don't even tell them on your diagnosis and as a result it's destined for failure welcome to the school of greatnessness. My name is Lewis Howes, former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur. And each week we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin. Welcome back everyone to the School of Greatness. Very excited about our guest. We have the inspiring Sadia Khan in the house,

who is an incredible online coach, therapist, psychologist, and someone who's really been taking off lately online with your relationship expertise, with your content. And I'm so excited that you're here. So thank you for being here. All the way from Dubai. Yes. So specifically for this. So thank you so much for having me. I really appreciate it. We're excited. I saw a stat online recently that said 75% of relationships fail right after the first year. Right. I don't know if that's an accurate stat, but it just seems like people are struggling in relationships, in a new relationship. They're struggling finding a great partner when they start dating.

Yeah. They're struggling trying to figure out, is this the right partner for me? They're struggling to figure out their own wounds and how their traumas interact with someone else's traumas. And is there a good match? All these different things cause people to struggle in relationships and break up within the first year, it seems like. Why do you think people are struggling more than ever today to have a healthy, happy relationship? I would say it's the illusion of options that we've got today that we've never had before in the form of online dating, social media, and pornography. had before in the form of online dating, social media and pornography. What that means is when we enter relationships we're almost assessing if that partner is worthy of us and there's almost an

element of narcissism when we walk in. We're like can I get better? Can I get the most I can get? Is this the most satisfying sexual relationship I've ever had? And if that person doesn't tick every single box off instead of reflecting on what you need to heal and what you need to bring to the table and how you can help this relationship survive, we simply replace them with the illusion of options. Even if we don't have alternatives, we think we do. So we let go far quicker than we previously would have. Really? What do you think we should be asking ourselves about the person we want to date? You know, because it sounds like we want to have every box ticked.

Like they have to be perfect and they have to be funny and they have to be rich and they have to be good looking and they need a good education. But what should we really be asking ourselves before we start dating someone? How are my personal insecurities going to ruin this relationship? Ooh. Yeah. I think that's the first and foremost conversation to have with yourself. How are my insecurities going to ruin this relationship? How are my personal insecurities

going to ruin this relationship? Why is that the question we should ask ourselves? Because we go into a relationship almost blind to our own wounds and they resurface in the relationship and we blame them for not providing the medication of a wound that existed before we met them. That what I mean by that is, say, for example, you grew up financially insecure and

you meet a partner who's actually really nice to you, but he might not be able to soothe all your financial insecurities. You immediately think he's not good enough. Or you go into a relationship being addicted to pornography and then you meet a woman who's actually just at your right level. But you're so used to a hyper-sexualized, promiscuous woman that you find her boring. Or you go into a relationship not being able to communicate and then you meet somebody else who's not also communicating and you don't voice your concerns. So I would say ask yourself, how are your insecurities going to ruin this relationship? And how do I create a buffer so that doesn't occur? So when we're aware, because a lot of us, we go into a relationship not thinking where we have insecurities or that we're broken. We're usually like, well,

the previous relationship didn't work because of them. It was their fault. They did this. But really it's always comes back to us. We chose something. We didn't see something early on. We let something slide. We didn't create a boundary. We abandoned ourselves. We didn't see something early on. We let something slide. We didn't create a boundary. We abandoned ourselves. We didn't communicate consciously, whatever it is. Yeah. We let things slide too often, but we don't take a look unless for me there's enough pain to say, okay, here's all this stuff I don't like about me. Yeah. Here's all my insecurities, all my baggage, all my trauma, all my challenges. The reason why I keep causing pain in relationship.

Why it doesn't keep working is because of me. Yeah. Whoever the person is, right? You're the common denominator. You're the common denominator. Yeah. So once we take inventory of our personal insecurities, how can we then create a buffer going into a

relationship so we don't self-sabotage? We make sure that we are trying to heal those wounds without expecting that person to break their back to help us heal. What I mean by that is, if I know I have an issue with jealousy, I'm trying to work on it. But at the same time, the person doesn't have to break their back to make sure I feel soothed. Okay. I pick consciously. I pick really well because I know that's a wound of mine. But I also learn to embrace and trust the process.

Now, when you go in wounded and expect the person to provide you medication, but you don't even tell them what disease you have, we are then going to punish them for everything they do. Oh, my gosh. That's the worst feeling. Honestly. And I've done it many times. You've done it in relationships? Of course. I've had that experience to myself.

Relationships is not fun. So unfortunately, you go in expecting them to be the healer or the doctor to a wound that you didn't create, but you don't even tell them of your diagnosis. And as a result, it's destined for failure. And they're not the expert at healing that wound. And they didn't cause it. And they didn't cause it.

They didn't cause it. Why do so many, I'm not going to generalize, but it seems like a lot of women that you hear about with content online. Yeah. Why do we see so many women causing frustration in their relationship when they start dating a man based on a wound that someone else did, not the man in front of them? Because we've created a generation of narcissistic women. And what's happened is the rise of social media and the rise of online dating and the rise

of feminism has taught women that they are not to blame for any poor choices. Every poor choice is glamorized. So if you want to be a sex worker, it's great. If you want to post in bikini pictures online, it's fine. If you want to be in with it, every poor choice is glamorized and every internal reflection is seen as gaslighting yourself. So they've even got terms for internal reflection to prevent it happening. And so what will happen is they are trained to not reflect on themselves because we've been told we've been oppressed for so many years. Now it's time to make sure we project. And so we don't take any accountability.

And as a result, when we get into relationships, if we don't feel completely soothed all the time, he must be a narcissist. He must be a manipulator. He must be gaslighting. He, he, he rather than I, I, I. And unfortunately, we've got an online market that caters to that wounded woman, that caters to that entitled woman and caters to that narcissistic woman. And it's so wild to me that so many women talk about narcissism, but the society today is just catering to narcissistic women.

If I post a picture online, a bikini picture online, there's nothing my husband can do that could compete with that level of attention. Impossible. The compliments, the attention, the messaging that you're so sexy and beautiful and all these different things from thousands or potentially millions of men around the world who have money and all these things. Yeah. And there's nothing he can do he can't post online and get the same reaction and more so he can't give me the same level of validation so what's happened is we've created a setup in society that means men have to compete with a level of validation they can't compete with with and if they go online if they join tinder that night

they can have so many more options than a man can because we've got filters and we've got all of these again i'm i really am privy to this myself i'm not i'm a filter queen so but the things i can do to manipulate male invalidation to get more attention from men just about soothe myself and to remind myself i'm above this i don't need him i can replace him it's something men actually can't do so they have to rely on pornography for that they replace us with pornography and we replace them with likes and comments on social media wow how did this happen like why do why do you think is this a values thing a lack of values thing is this a okay if i feel wounded or i feel some type of trauma i need a an emotional release and so this makes me feel good and then it's just a slippery slope into more and more.

What's the, where does this, how does this start? And when does it end? I think it comes from the fact that we've created a culture that whenever there's a problem, there's a temporary solution that doesn't get rid of the root. So what I mean by that is if there's a problem with intimacy for men and they're not getting women, there's pornography.

If there's a problem of low self-esteem in women because they don't have meaning and purpose, they can post a few pictures online. We've created a way of solving problems that doesn't get rid of the root. So we're always seeking highs. And the problem with highs is they come with lows. So you end up having more problems, more low self-esteem, and then seeking bigger highs to get that kind of back to neutral state. So I think the problem comes with problems being solved by seeking highs and a real focus on kind of values that are very empty, empty materialistic values. So you are a beautiful, high value woman if you're really, really beautiful. And you're a high value man now if you are really, really rich. But there's nothing to do with connection and intimacy that now gives us status and so and i think that's come from

social media mainly where does this lead over the next three to five years with this narcissistic you know society i guess that's been built in this way what happens for people in relationships are people able to find intimacy and connection and stay committed and be actually happy in a healthy relationship? Or is it only going to get worse? It leads to intense and pervasive loneliness, unfortunately. Really? And it probably will only get worse. Unfortunately, until we wake up to the impact of technology, both on men and women, it's going to lead to a complete identity crisis external kind of extrinsic values that don't benefit anybody which then manifests in

depression loneliness self-inflicted depression loneliness yeah when I say low depression loneliness it's not like I have a disease or anything it's self-inflicted through poor choices so unfortunately it's going to lead to men not being able to commit to women because they can get all of the joys of sexual relationships without having to invest, and women not being able to commit to men because they can get all the validation of male attention without having to adapt and change themselves according to the needs of the relationship. What happens when men and women never commit? They find themselves unable to put somebody else's well-being above their own.

So we're creating people who are entirely individualistic, deprived of responsibility, and unable to care and nurture for others because they're not putting somebody else's well-being above theirs. When you are unable to commit, essentially you wake up every single day saying, what do I want to do? What do I want to do today? And as nice and freeing as that is, it deprives you of human responsibility. And in order to truly become something, we're designed to be responsible.

We're designed to be valuable. We're designed to serve others. This is how we've evolved. So becoming completely individualistic leads to a sense of lonely narcissism, I believe. What is the age generation of, in your opinion, of the highest amount of narcissistic men and women? Is it people from 15 to 22? Is it 20s to 30s? What, what is the age group that you see as the most extreme narcissists? I would imagine it would be

from 15 to 25. This is without actual any research onto it. I would imagine it's because they're raised to serve their desires, not serve others. We have raised children to serve themselves

in every way, shape, and form. So whether that is through, you know, pornographic interface, sending each other Snapchats of each other nude. This is something that was alien. In our generation, it was unheard of. But the average 12-year-old is now put under pressure to send nudes to the other average.

And one thing I have recently... Really? 12-year-olds? 12-year-olds. I used to be a teacher, so I used to experience this a lot where... 12-year-olds are sending nudes on Snapchat to each other? Sending nudes to each other. Yeah, coerced to all volunteer.

Just to get more attention, right? Yeah. And what's so weird is when you work with children, we're always told about predators, and we're always told about sexual assault from old predators. But you'd be so surprised at the level and age of sexual predators now. They're aged between 12 and 15 now. 12 to 15-year-olds are now becoming predatory because they're so saturated by sex that they've dehumanized connection and they see it as part of growing up. Well, I mean, why would a 12 or 13 or 15-year-old

girl send a nude to another 12, 13 15 year old boy because they're growing up with role models who post on only fans they're growing up being told that you don't actually need an education you can make fifty thousand dollars a month if you just post the right pictures online so when you are told that and you are bored to death in a maths class and you're being told to learn like a you know, about parameters on a rectangle that you don't care about. Or you can see a really sexy girl talk about how much money she's making. Where is a child going to go? Particularly when they're not raised in a home or environment which boosts their self-esteem and emphasizes internal morals.

So why are our children going to go? It's not their fault at all. It's the society we've created and what we've glamorized and highlighted for children. That's interesting because Martha, my girlfriend, she'll say that her dad did a really great job when she was, you know, 10, 11, 12, 13, when boys started to show attention, right?

He did a really great job. I'm paraphrasing what she told me, that he used to say, listen, guys are going to tell you you're beautiful. You already know that. Yeah. So don't be wowed when they say you're beautiful, you're pretty, you look attractive. Like, know that you have other values to contribute.

And if they don't see those other things, then, okay, just they're friends. But don't buy into that type of game. Don't let that be the most interesting thing about you. And what I find a little bit strange about being online is I'll get a lot of comments about my makeup and my appearance or whatever it is, which is very, very nice. But I didn't understand why that would even be part of the conversation. And I would imagine it's because they assume that if you have a certain appearance, why would you even bother working on your education? Because they almost see it as binary. If you've got one, you don't need the other. Well, you absolutely need the other.

You absolutely, because it's the only thing that will exist forever. Your looks is the only depreciating asset you have. So why would you want to derive your value from it and your self-esteem from it? We know it's depreciating. Because what happens when the looks start to fade in women who only put their value in their physical appearance? What happens? Well, what happens is they end up with men who are equally shallow. Here's the thing. If I'm just a pretty face, I'm going to end up with a man who only likes pretty faces. Now, the reality is that man is so easily distracted with the next pretty face and the next 25-year-old and the next. So what will happen is you're in a constant competition with people you can't compete

with for the rest of your life. And similarly, if I was somebody who just sold sex and just, I'm going to find a man who's addicted to sex. And men that are addicted to sex will always want novelty. You'll never be enough. So reality is when you create your identity on something so fragile, you attract somebody who's also very fragile and then you end up in a lonely cycle, unfortunately. Whereas when you develop something deep, you attract someone deeper and your connection tends to be more long lasting, God willing, it tends to be more long lasting. god willing it tends to be more long-lasting right i think i heard you share recently online something about

like financial connection and emotional connection yeah can you explain more about that yeah i think what's happening unfortunately men are being indoctrinated into thinking that as long as you provide financially you can get the hottest girl in the world. And as a result, you're a high value man and you've made it. But essentially, when you lead with finances, you attract a woman who's emotionally detached. Because emotionally present women, finances does not compensate for lack of quality time. No matter how rich a man is, she wants quality time. Whereas emotionally detached women, they don't care if you're gone for six months on a business trip, as long as they've

got a bag and a house and a Rolls Royce and whatever it is. So when you're that man, you're going to attract that woman. So you think I'm providing her with everything. She's not going to go anywhere. She's thinking you provided me with everything. Now I can go somewhere. Wow. So you're actually, you've lured yourself into a false sense of security. A lot of really successful men will look at a woman and think, I've given her everything. She's not going to go anywhere. She, because she's got external kind of extrinsic values, she's thinking, I've now got everything from this guy. Where do I go next? What more can

I get? What more can I get? From somewhere else. From somewhere else. And so unfortunately- Why is there not loyalty when a financially stable man is able to provide finances to their partner? Why is that loyalty not there? Because the glue of the relationship is broken. Superficial. It's superficial. The glue they used was superficial. The glue he's relying on is physical attraction and the glue she's relying is financial stability. The glue he's relying on is physical attraction and the glue she's relying is financial stability. The glue is weak. Whereas if the glue was emotional intimacy, absolutely you can get loyalty. You can't beat emotional intimacy when it comes to loyalty. Once you have emotional intimacy, it's very difficult for somebody to be your competition

because they know you in a way that nobody else can and you can be vulnerable in a way nobody else can but when you deprive your relationship of emotional intimacy every single person is a competition and this is something these people with junk values don't realize wow unfortunately but did you find that hard like i mean being so financially successful did you find it would attract the wrong kind of women? Yeah, I've always been in relationships. Yeah. And so, you know, I wasn't like single for three years and was like just attracting everyone. I loved intimacy. So I was more like diving into a commitment as quickly as if I found someone.

I felt like, okay, maybe there's something here. But it just seems like with the content I see online and what I'm hearing from stories from people in the dating world yeah who've gone through divorce and breakups like it is a struggle out there it's what I'm hearing and I don't know if that's just certain cities in America or if that's globally or if it's different in other countries is it like that in LA it's very much like that I think it's extreme in LA obviously extreme yeah and unfortunately because I come from Dubai and I live in London and stuff like that, I focus on the extremities. I know in simple villages, this doesn't happen. But unfortunately, I'm not privy to that. They tend to be healthy and they don't even watch my

content. They're happy and they've got their kids and they walk their dogs. The people that watch are the ones that are struggling and they're usually similar kind of issues there's only three or four issues that all my clients will have what is that um infidelity um men using uh men in very much infidelity and part of the woman women cheat more than men far more come on far far more come on far from and why do you say women cheat more than men um because they're in denial about the infidelity. When they cheat, they don't even label it as that. When a woman starts cheating- What are they labeled as?

They label it as my husband's no longer satisfying me. They won't even say I'm cheating. They'll say my husband isn't satisfying. They find a way to redirect and shift the terminology so that they are void of guilt. Really? Absolutely. So how do we know women are cheating more than men? What is it like?

Is this public knowledge? Is this surveys? Or are you just hearing this from the people you're coaching? The people I'm coaching, because firstly, you'll know, it's simple signs that you'll know. Firstly, when the guy, I always say infidelity is a result of men not being masculine and women not being feminine. And what I mean by this is if a woman is cheating, it's because she has a man that accepts unacceptable because he is unwilling to walk away when his boundaries are broken. So what will happen is when women meet that man with a good woman with good morals and she doesn't want that man. She's like, I don't want to.

She'll leave. She'll leave. She'll replace him with somebody who has boundaries that with good morals. And she doesn't want that man. She's like, I don't want a weak man. She'll leave. She'll leave. She'll replace him with somebody who has boundaries that suit her morals. But she won't cheat because she'll have the values of like, this isn't working. It's sad. No, I don't want somebody this weak. But I'm not going to cheat while I'm with you.

No desire to cheat. She's not a sexual being. So she's looking for somebody who can lead a household. But the woman who's planning to come home late all the time and planning to go on a bunch of holidays and planning to keep in touch with her ex and planning to post a bunch of provocative pictures online, he's perfect. He's perfect, perfect, perfect. Because he'll maybe pay for everything. He'll maybe sort the house out, maybe give her the kids. He's perfect. And she can keep getting the validation from all these other men in certain

ways. Whoever she wants. And he'll say, oh, babe, I don't really like that bikini picture. And she'll say, stop oppressing me. And that will be end of the conversation. And she'll carry on doing what she wants. And he'll say, oh, are you going to come home today? I'll come home when I want. And that's what he'll say, okay. And because she recognizes he doesn't have the winningness to walk away, when the man isn't masculine, his days are numbered. His days and good women filter themselves off away from men that are too agreeable. Now, when women get cheated on, again, it's a lack of femininity. And what I mean by that is honestly what I noticed with married men that cheat, it's not that they love somebody else so much or they found someone more beautiful.

They simply have a wife that is no longer catering to their needs in any way, shape or form. What type of needs? Their sexual needs? Their intimacy needs? Their supportive needs? All kinds of needs. So what I mean by that, it could be as simple as there's a coffee ready because you're going to work. Or it could be as deep as I haven't slept with you in six months. It's his needs no longer matter. And it's really difficult. I understand when you have kids and stuff like that, it becomes difficult. Is it when he feels his needs don't matter or he's communicating what he wants and she's not willing to provide that? He's saying it. He's saying it and she's just like, I don't have time for this or she's busy or whatever. He's often saying it, but she's also

not predicting his needs. And that's part of femininity. Part of femininity is I know he's coming home. Let me just warm up a bit of food or I know that he's got work at early start let me just iron that shirt quickly because he's going to make a mess if he does it and it's part of femininity what would the feminist movement say to that I'm just curious they would argue that it's not your he's not a baby that's what they would say men are not babies but here's the reality they are in a lot of ways they and not always they really are sometimes but you know what it is it's something about i don't understand this myself but there's something about that they could be hungry or whatever it is but when their wife makes them a meal it tastes totally different

to whatever you could order or whatever they could order themselves or when their wife there's a love to it there's a there's a support behind. It's being seen in a way that nobody else sees them. There's something about like, of course you can make your own coffee in the morning, but there's something about your wife just putting it there without you asking for it. That just makes you feel seen. Now, what I notice is when women forget to do that, they set the tone for a man to now go towards escorts. And I'll tell you why. Because they're always creating a transactional relationship. They're making him feel like an ATM anyway. Right.

He's like, I'm not getting my needs met. I'm paying for everything. I'm paying for everything. And I'm being disrespected, maybe, or whatever. I'm an ATM. Interesting. I'm already an ATM. Whether that's okay or not to think that way,

that's just the interpretation. That's the way he sees it. So if I'm coming home and she doesn't even notice I'm there, she's never cooked a meal, she's never asked me how my day is, but I'm paying for everything and I'm giving her a great life, I'm already on ATM. I might as well be on ATM to somebody who's going to touch me and kiss me and look at me. Serve my sexual needs or something. Exactly. Who's going to look at me. At least pretend. At least. At least act for an hour. And the worst thing is escorts and sugar babies and stuff,

they know this man's been deprived of attention. So they know exactly what to say to these men to have them putty in their hands. If I wanted to, I would know exactly what to say to him. If I was an escort, I would know exactly what to say to him. Just how to touch him, how to connect with him, how to be there for him. Do you need a coffee? Do you take two sugars or one? Some men haven't heard that in years from their wives. Wow. They haven't heard that in years. How to watch him, how to connect with him, how to be there for him. Do you need a coffee? Do you take two sugars or one? Oh, wow.

Some men haven't heard that in years from their wives. Wow. They haven't heard that in years. Do you want me to rub your shoulders? They haven't heard that in years from their wives. And these are men that work hard and do that. I'm not saying they're justified, but they build a resentment. So when women get cheated on, it's their lack of femininity.

And when men get cheated on, it's their lack of masculinity. And people hate me for this because what they want to say is I was cheated on because my ex was a narcissist. But the infidelity is a dynamic. I'm not saying there are compulsive cheaters, but even in that process, you select that compulsive cheater. They show you the signs anyway. Yeah. Like if I, if I'm a woman without boundaries, I'll know because he comes home late, he'sping you that I'll know something but the reality is and people always come for me now you're victim blaming but no this is not what we're doing here the reality is people shouldn't cheat but also thieves shouldn't steal but I have to lock my doors I have to I have to protect

myself similarly people shouldn't cheat but I have to lock my doors I have to at least ensure I'm creating a dynamic that creates enough intimacy where they don't need to if they then go on to at least i know i did everything but if i don't cover the basics of course it's going to lead to right yeah of course so we i hear a lot about this high value man and high value women and all these things online you know and the high value man is someone who's making over six figures and over six feet tall and whatever it is. Like Mr. Howes over here. But what is it that men can do to become more high value than just their financial abundance and their height? How can they be a high value man, whether they have money or they have height or any of that stuff. Have complete and utter self-control.

And what I mean by that is you try and control your mind, body, and soul in a way that would lead to positive long-term outcomes for you as a man. If you get to the gym and you eat right, your long-term body will appreciate that. If you save your money, you don't waste it on alcohol and clubs and this and the other your long-term self who will be able to invest in uh net i was gonna say netflix not netflix nfts and all that whatever it is that businesses your long-term part of self will appreciate that if you're able to dedicate some time to some spirituality or something to disconnect from this world your long-term anxiety will appreciate that.

So a man who has complete and utter self-control and makes responsible decisions that serve him in the long run is truly high value. Somebody who can resist short-term desires and short-term temptations for long-term goals, who can shake a man like that? A man who can resist having sex with every single woman because he doesn't want to get the wrong woman pregnant, who can shake a man like that? Whereas a man with no self-control,

any woman can distract him. Any money can distract him. Any opportunity can distract him. He is malleable. You can't be high valuable, high value and malleable at the same time. So it's having an identity that's constructed on self-control that will make you high value and malleable at the same time. So it's having an identity that's constructed on self-control that will make you high value. It doesn't matter how tall you are, how short you are, how rich you are, how broke you are. If you've got no self-control, you're a weak man, unfortunately. It's very difficult to have self-control, but if they can master it, they're incredible. So what I'm hearing you say is women should really be looking for that quality and the partner they're choosing. Not, okay, he okay he's tall dark and handsome or whatever it is these days i guess women are more

into like the skinny like artistic guy whatever it's always like chaney right but he's a certain look and he's got a certain amount of money he's a high value man if he hasn't got self-control he's a liability to you and your children yeah Yeah. And you have to remember that. What happens when you get in a relationship with a man who on paper looks like they have everything, great career, they've got money, they've got the car, they've got the house, they're put together, dressed well, grooms, perfect height, you know, all these different things, great friends, great network, but they lack self-control. What will happen down the line? Relationship, marriage, kids.

Unfortunately, what that might look like is if you lack self-control, it might look like indulging with other women. It might look like gambling your money away. It might look like eating and consuming the wrong kind of drugs or whatever it is a lack of self-control will lead to a man down a path where he will no longer be able to recognize himself wow whereas self-control he has a consistent identity from the day he's born until the day he dies because he dictates his future even if he wants to have a day of no control it was his choice it was genuinely his choice if it's one or two days where he wants to get drunk and he wants it's it but he's not he's not subject to the environment or to be people and

to everybody else. He's not influenced by his surroundings. He's influenced by his, what his long-term goals are. And if he's got like tomorrow, I don't have to start early. I'm going to get drunk today. Or, you know what? I'm single. I'm just going to, you know, today I'm just going to do what I want to do. No, I'm not judging that because it's an element of self-control. But when it's like, oh my God, I'm so stressed. I need to watch pornography. Oh my God, I'm so this. Unfortunately, that man is self-destructive and you can't have children with self-destructive men, unfortunately. Similarly with having women. I don't mean it's just a man. You cannot have children with people who are self-destructive because it's contagious and it will then go on to

the children and so on and so forth. And so many people forget this when they're selecting partners. Yeah. I mean, and I want to get to the women's side here, like what a high value woman is and should be defined by. But you really can't change your partner that much. No, absolutely not. Once someone has chosen, this is my identity, this is who I am. They have to be the ones to say, I want to improve, grow, transform, heal, change, but not, you're not going to be able to influence them over and over to be exactly what you want. So if you try, if you think I'm going to get married to this person, then I'm going to control them. It's going to be, they're going to be miserable when you're controlling them and

trying to change them. Absolutely. And also you've shown them that you accept their unacceptable behavior so they can't change and respect you so let's say for example i choose a man who's a compulsive gambler i've already chosen him he already knows i have low boundaries so i've already shown him i accept the unacceptable so say if tomorrow he became a really great guy he's not going to want me he's going to outgrow this woman with no boundaries who accepts the unacceptable. Women think he's going to be like, oh, I'm so grateful to my ride or die. He's really going to be like, I've outgrown this person as he should, because he shouldn't be with a woman that accepts the unacceptable because she's not incompatible with the new him. Same thing with men

and women. She might feel inferior as he's transforming and growing if she's not willing to do it together with him. Yeah, absolutely. There was no boundaries. Wow. It's like when you have a manager at work that lets you come in late,

lets you drink on the job, lets you take days off. If one day they stamp the authority, you're going to be like, I'm not listening to you. Right. But when you decide to be better at your job, you're gonna i'm not listening to you right but um when you decide to be better at your job you're gonna want a new workplace because you want better manager

you want better structure so same thing happens in all human connections unfortunately absolutely you gotta create that standard and stick to it stick to it unfortunately so it seems to me that and correct me if i'm wrong that in today today's society, a high value woman is someone who is beautiful, attractive, has a young body, and gets lots of attention from men online. It seems to me like a desirable high value woman is perceived that in today. Correct me if I'm wrong. Absolutely. I would agree. What do you think men should be looking at as what a high value woman is? I think what they classify as a high value woman is actually truly a narcissistic woman.

And what they should be looking at is a woman who has explosive kind of attention from men, you're selecting a woman who will never be satisfied with you. Oh, man. Unfortunately. And you're selecting a woman who relies on external validation for self-esteem. And that will never go in that woman. What you really should be looking at is a woman who has intrinsic values. And these are things like how connected I am to my friends and family. How much do I serve my community? How much can I look after you and

your well-being? How much self-esteem do I derive from having a purpose and loving those around me? Unfortunately, they look at what is packaged the best way. And that woman is, unfortunately, she's unattainable because she's emotionally broken. To require that much validation can't be healthy. And I say this as a woman who's online myself, and people could very much argue the same for me. But one thing I noticed is if I look at my DMs, they're endless. And I don't show skin, I don't show body. It's not that kind of content. So I think, and it annoys me. I'll see it and I'll just quickly, you know, this is nonsense. So imagine being a woman who only posts things that create external validation. At least I'll get a few messages saying, I love your content, blah, blah.

But you're just posting your body. You're just getting, I love your tits. I love your boobs. This is a woman who wants that. Why would you, why on earth would you think that woman is now going to be able to serve you and your family and your children in a wholesome manner don't she's not equipped for it but again i'm assuming that people might be commenting or saying well this is you know and don't don't diminish my self-expression this makes me me feel great. I can do what I want.

I want to express myself. I want to post bikini photos all day long. So I'm allowed to do whatever I want and I like it. I like expressing myself. Well, you know, so I am. Don't tell me what to do. All these different things. So, you know, what do you say to someone that might be feeling that way?

Express your way. But don't expect that woman to be wholesome. She can express however she wants. I could sit there and express myself through nudes and bikini pictures, etc. But then don't put wholesome traditional values. Don't assign them to me because I'm not assigning them to myself. So if she's expressing herself that way, you as a man, how dare you expect her to have these complete opposite values? So just accept her for who she is.

She's not wrong. I'm not actually saying she's wrong, by the way. I actually don't think there's anything wrong in that. But have a realistic expectation of what that woman is going to bring to your life. In terms of a relationship? In terms of a relationship. She's somebody who craves knowing that she's still sexually attractive to other men Because that's what the audience will be women don't follow women who just post stuff like that

So that's what how audiences that woman so why would you try and create like why would you force her? Why would you try and get her to contour into your values and your what you want out of it? She's gonna be more from your skills. She's gonna be more unfaithful, but that's okay But so but the problem is you either accept her for who she is or you go somewhere else. But don't expect that woman to have the values that you want them to have. You've been coaching people for a while now. And you said there are what? What are the main themes you see that people struggle with the most in your one-on-one or online coaching?

I would find that the main thing for men is the addiction to pornography. Yeah. How many men are addicted to pornography today? I would say that unfortunately in the younger generation, here's the problem with the addiction to pornography. When I have a man on the phone to me and he's got, and this is irrelevant whether he's handsome, not handsome, whatever, in shape, not shape, but he's having struggles with women. He's having some problem with women. They're either transactional, using him, cheating on him, whatever it is. I don't ask any question other than, are you addicted to pornography? That's the first question. They'll come to me on the phone and say, my girlfriend's doing this. I don't know

how to get her back. First question I ask is, are you addicted to pornography? Because there's a masochism in there that they don't realize. And they'll say, no, no, no, I'm not addicted to pornography. I watch it maybe twice a week, three times a week or but I don't I don't know if that's healthy I don't think there's any level that's healthy and what pornography does unfortunately what pornography does to men is it allows them intense gratification without the fear of rejection and what men need is rejection in order to build their bravery and redirect them. If I'm really overweight or if I'm not making a lot of money, I'm living in my mom's basement and I go out into the dating world, I realize women don't find that attractive. So I redirect

myself. You have to improve. You have to overcome. You have to let go. You have to and learn from the feedback and have courage to take consistent action and build self-control. Exactly. But what pornography allows me to do is maintain that state whilst getting the gratification I want. And the other thing it does to men is it blurs their true value. So they will see these beautiful women online go into the real world and say he's a 4 out of 10. He should be aiming for a 4 out of 10 woman. But he'll think, I don't want that girl.

I'm not attracted to this girl. And they'll be aiming for the 12 out of 10s and they can only access them through escorts or through, I mean, in America, they call it passport bros. Have you heard of that concept? Passport what? Where they go to like maybe the Philippines

or they go to other countries and marry women and you know, yeah, it's kind of like a nine to eight. Then they try and do it that way instead to access those type of women's because they've been so addicted to pornography. They've got a skewed perception of what their true value is and what their true match is. What do you think pornography is doing to the male brain chemically? It's making them incapable of connection, both physically and emotionally. Physically, they have erectile dysfunction. And I'm talking to 28-year-old boys that will have erectile dysfunction and they can't perform. And emotionally, a porn doesn't model intimacy. It actually models how to make hate

with a woman, not how to make love. So they learn how to spit on women. They learn how to degrade women. They know how to make fun of minorities. They learn all of these things, and they think they're learning all these skills. But when you speak to women, they'll say they're least satisfying with sexual encounters with a man that's addicted to porn because he's reenacting and not reading her body. He's not learning. He's not intuitive. He's not. He's not connected. Not at all.

He's not there in the moment. So not only is he doing all these moves that she's not connecting with, but he then can't even lift his cup because there's an erectile dysfunction. So imagine the experience from a woman's end. She's just like, this is the worst experience I've ever had. He is also realizing, okay, she's not enjoying this. Let me just stick to porn because I'm terrible at sex. So that rejection encounter is so negative that they go deeper into the rabbit hole, unfortunately. And can I just say, pornography is not good for women either. I think the rise in bisexuality in women is predominantly from exposure to porn. Yeah, I think so. I don't think it's...

How many women are watching porn from people you talk to or coaching or just... Not as much, but what I find really difficult about pornography and really disempowering is the majority of the time that women are watching it, they're doing it for their partner's pleasure, very limited for their own. So they're watching girl on girl and they're watching other things on that

and they're engaging on that behavior primarily from a male gaze, from male attention, from men to be finding them satisfying rather than their own thing, because women tend to be more emotionally connected to sex. So if they're engaging in a lot of pornography, it's for male desires. So they're almost catering to the male gaze in a way that's helping them lose their own identity. They're signing up for degradation. They're signing up for confused sexual identity. They're signing up for a society that only caters to male sexual gratification. So I find it more bizarre that women watch porn.

Do you think, why do men watch more porn than women? Because I think for men, it's the ability to access any type of woman without the fear of rejection. And men are more likely to be rejected when they go and seek sex in the real world. Yeah, and so I think it's just the bypassing rejection is what they're doing far more than women. Why are women not into porn as much, though? Why do they want to watch it? Because without an intimate connection,

porn of sex is limited in how gratifying it can be. Yeah, it's almost like having a cake without sugar. Like, without the ingredient of intimacy, it's just a bunch of empty calories and it's not worth the taste. So that's what porn is like for women without actually caring about somebody. And sometimes they'll watch it, but they're still trying to learn how to please their partner through it. So there's an element of my partner, my partner, my partner. Whereas for men, it's just to bypass the rejection that they don't want to face. Wow.

Yeah, unfortunately. And it is a coping mechanism for a lot of people, yeah. Yeah, it's like drugs, alcohol, food, pornography. But the thing is, it's so easy for me to be judgmental, but I didn't grow up where the smartphone had access to pornography. I don't know what kind of person I would have been. And I also have a religious kind of reason to avoid porn. So I'm not saying this to be holier than

thou. I'm very aware that if I was in a different circumstance, I'd be just as addicted. But it's so bad for us. It's so, so bad for couples and intimacy and everything is so terrible. And it's something that's almost just accepted. What I find so shocking is if I was to watch a child be abused and get joy out of that, I would be arrested, rightly so. But cut to 20 years when that child is now engaging in voluntary sex work, which is usually most sex offended children go on to do sex work, it's accepted. Voluntary. Accepted. Voluntary. Voluntary. Because what happens when a child's been abused, they often try and regain control by engaging in sex work.

Wow. It's their way of reestablishing control and boundaries that were ripped off them. So they're thinking now I'll monetize it and take some control. So usually most people who work in the sex industry have a history of child abuse, sexual abuse. sexual abuse. So I just think watching vulnerable people kind of re-traumatize themselves and getting joy out of that should be somewhat more spoken about rather than just seeing it as an industry. It's not an industry that is created on like, you know, movies where people who went through a school and tried, it's usually people who went through trauma have now found themselves in working in porn and we're okay to just watch it all day, every day. It's scary, right?

What would you say are the three big flags that a man or a woman should look out for when they're entering a new dating relationship? Unfortunately, and I really hate to say this because we can't really control this, but your childhood. Unfortunately, your childhood creates an embedded kind of conflict between you and love when we have a chaotic childhood what we do is we create a cool belief about ourselves that we're not worthy of love we don't deserve love or love love is painful and because that's a cool belief we go through life looking for somebody to validate

that cool belief now if I meet somebody loving even, I will still try and create that core belief and make love chaotic. So, or I'll sabotage or do something. So unfortunately, you have to look at their childhood. Now, it doesn't mean if they've got a bad childhood they're written off, but if they haven't acknowledged the impact, you're going to be- And started the healing process. You're going to be the punching bag. Oh man, I've been- Unfortunately. I've been punched a lot.

Have you noticed that as well? I've been punched a lot i've been punched a lot in my past what kind of things do women bring like in their past childhood well i think you know i think it's the responsibility of each partner to to ask those questions to to you know and i lacked the inability to i saw that and that was what attracted me because i was wounded in my childhood right so it's like okay we're both wounded. We're in this together. So I was the punching bag and kept sticking around because I lacked the courage, confidence, the skills, the security in self to walk away from the feeling of love and intimacy, the feeling of connection, the false feeling. Well, that broken childhood gives women some intensity

that makes a man feel really loved in the moment. And it's honestly, they give you really passionate kind of sexual relations as well, because they almost treat you like you're temporary. Because they know you're- The chemistry is explosive, right? But it doesn't mean it's healthy. It's not healthy.

And I've heard you talk about this. I've talked about this as well. It's like, if a person you're meeting feels boring, then that's a good thing. It's a good thing. It's a good thing. If it feels like exciting, explosive and magical every moment, it's like the constant, like that's probably when you want to run or really ask yourself why. Why are you attracted to chaos? Why am I attracted to this feeling and is that healthy i'm not saying it's automatic bad but it's a definite thing to pay attention to yeah and is

it sustainable to do that to your body it's nothing is sustained it's like being in the ring for like 10 15 rounds you can't do it it's also like like you said you can only have that feeling for so long and then when it fades are you saying something's wrong i need to recreate that feeling yeah and they usually recreate it by outsourcing chaos outside of the relationship so they'll have really stable healthy relationships but they'll find you know a guy on the side or a girl on the side that will recreate the trauma that they've had as a child unfortunately right and the reason why it's such a problem is children suffer children are the only ones that will suffer when you have kids yeah and you've attracted each other and you've been committed and you've

got to stay together, the kids suffer from your behavior. Yeah, always. So it's being so like... So that's the first flag is to be aware of the person's childhood, right? Be aware of the childhood. It's like ask the questions. Yeah. And it doesn't mean they're not a good person or they're nice or you can't be friends or

if you get into it, you just have to be aware this is what you might be dealing with yeah second thing i would say is do they set boundaries or do they self-sabotage and they're two very different things people think boundaries means oh you upset me i'm never speaking to you again i don't tolerate nonsense i've got boundaries that's not how boundaries work boundaries are actually instructions to help teach the person how to love you. So my boundary might be as simple as, okay, take the shoes off when you go into the living room. Yeah, that's a boundary. Self-sabotage is not saying anything and be like, oh my God, he wore his shoes in my living room. I'm never speaking to him again. So I would say the ability to communicate boundaries in a way that will bring you closer rather than simply kind of drawing lines and

running away. And so I think effective boundaries is a really important red or green flag. That's been a game changer for me with Martha because we really created agreements early on. Amazing. What kind of agreements? Man, we did so many early on. They were just like, anytime they wanted to be a little like, oh, they didn't feel that good or disturbance as opposed to us just letting it slide. Each one of us were like, I don't know if I like that. I'm not saying you're wrong here, but I would just like for us to create this agreement so that I don't feel weird and I don't feel like you're taking advantage or whatever it might be. And what was it like previously?

One of them was like, you know, early in a relationship, you're talking all the time, morning, day and night. one of them was like, you know, early in a relationship, you're talking all the time, morning, day and night. And there was a couple of times where it was like 1am, we had some like minor disturbances. There was like just confusion. We're both tired. It's not getting, it's getting in a loop. We're not finding a resolution to this like challenge. And so we both came to the agreement, like, and let's not have these conversations in bed. Like it doesn't really seem to go well these last couple of times. it's not like it was horrible or explosive it's just like we woke up tired like we didn't find a resolution it didn't feel good let's just have the conversation during the day when we're both awake okay now when we hit the bed and then we

start talking about something that was upsetting and that has created so much peace because we both have an agreement amazing we created a healthy boundary by calling it an agreement. Yeah. And we stick to that standard. Right. And previous relationships, what would you do instead? Oh, I would just try to solve the problem, stay up all night. I would just, you know, and then it would just escalate and escalate to like frustration and exhaustion and then resentment the next day.

Like, why is this happening? And then it repeats again every few weeks. Okay. So now it's now healthy. I explain to you what I need and we do it accordingly. Exactly. Amazing. Yeah. And making sure both of you are able to communicate what you need. So there is an agreement and making sure you both agree on that. Amazing. Very lucky to find a partner. Oh my God. I'm blessed. I'm blessed. Praise be to God.

I'm probably blessed. Okay. So do they set boundaries or do they self-sabotage? That's the second green or red flag. What's the third? Competition or cooperation. And what I mean by that is when you have a partner that values your well-being and wants to see you feel less anxious, wants to see you feel happy, wants you to feel connected, they are cooperative. So when they say, when you say things like, oh babe, I haven't heard from you all day, they're like, oh, I'm so sorry,

I've completely forgot. I'll call you in five minutes. Give me 10 minutes, I'll call you. But other times you'll have a partner where you say, oh, you know, I haven't heard from you. Stop trying to control me. You're always taking over. You're so need needy it's stuff like that is is it competition is it cooperation when you voice a concern do they actually want to see that you and the relationship get better and your well-being matters or are they so stuck on their autonomy and independence and not being controlled by you that they reject and neglect their responsibilities towards you so I think that kind of understanding your partner's well-being if it's not a case of like why are you trying to control me why it's more of a case of oh I didn't mean to

okay I understand your point it's those partners that are in competition with each other who can hurt who the most or who can stay the most disconnected who can stay the most independent why are you together I don't understand those relationships it's torture it's real torture like, oh, I'm liking extra pictures. She told me not to like pictures. Now I'm going to do 10 times more. Oh, you know, he told me not to post bikini pictures. Now I'm going to post 10 times more. Why are you together? Are you, if you're going to hurt each other? Because hurting them should be hurting you if you're in a healthy relationship and prioritizing their wellbeing is a form of prioritizing your own wellbeing if you're in a healthy relationship. And prioritizing their well-being is a form of prioritizing your own well-being

if you're in a healthy relationship. So that cooperation should be there. If it's not there, then try and avoid that person, unfortunately. I hope today's episode inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a rundown of today's show

with all the important links. And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me, Check out the show notes in the description for a rundown of today's show with all the important links. And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me as well as ad-free listening experience, make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel on Apple Podcast. If you enjoyed this, please share it with a friend over on social media or text a friend. Leave us a review over on Apple Podcast and let me know what you learned over on our social media channels at Lewis Howes. I really love hearing the feedback from you and it helps us continue to make the show better.

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