The Telepathy Tapes - S2E20: Talk Tracks Season 2 Episode 9: Unlocking Ryan

Episode Date: March 11, 2026

For most of his life, Ryan was treated as if he couldn’t understand the world around him. Unable to speak reliably due to apraxia, he spent years in special education classrooms where his intelligence was not honored.But his mother Mary always believed there was more inside.At age 23, Ryan began communicating through spelling and everything changed. Finally the thoughts and insights that had been trapped inside him began to emerge: his deep spirituality, his love of music, and even experiences of shared consciousness and telepathy.In this episode, Ryan and Mary share their remarkable journey from silence to communication, and Ryan reveals what life is really like for nonspeakers who have always been aware, listening, and waiting to be heard.Join The Telepathy Tapes Backstage Pass to get ad-free episodes, never-before-heard interviews, behind-the-scenes documentary footage, and access to our private Discord community. This is your invitation to come closer. To help shape what’s next. To be more than a listener… to be a co-creator of this paradigm shift. So if you’ve felt moved, if you’ve felt seen, if you’ve felt the call—subscribe today and join us: thetelepathytapes.supercast.com.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hi everyone and welcome back to the Talk Tracks. Today you're going to meet Mary and Ryan. Ryan has autism, is non-speaking, and also has apraxia. Like many of the families featured on this show, it's been quite an adventure and they realized that Ryan was telepathic long before the telepathy tapes came out. While in the studio, Ryan and his mom requested to do some telepathy tests, so we did film some, and those will be posted on the telepathy tapes YouTube page as well as on our supercast. Before filming this episode, we sent Ryan a lot of questions. from our listeners. And he answered many of those questions over the course of a few weeks, and he'll be sharing those answers with us today in the studio. He's in and out because he found

our couch in the front room to be very comfortable. So without further ado, we welcome Ryan and Mary to the studio. Hi, everyone. I'm Kai Dickens, and I'm thrilled to welcome you to the talk tracks. In this series, we'll dive deeper into the revelations, challenges, and unexpected truths from the telepathy tapes. We'll feature conversations with groundbreaking researchers, thinkers, non-speakers, and experiencers who illuminate the extraordinary connections that may defy explanation today, but won't for long. Sometimes I get asked, how do we support our kids' curiosity without burning everyone out?

And that's why I love Time for Learning. It's an all-on-one online curriculum for pre-K through 12th grade that supports a flexible, personalized, homeschool experience for your family. With Time for Learning, families can move at their own pace, follow their kids' interests, and still cover all the core subjects you'd expect from a traditional school, plus electives. And for older kids, their cinematic, story-driven courses really bring learning to life in a way that feels engaging and not forced. What's most amazing is the flexibility, whether your family travels or learns best in bursts or wants to dive deeply into one subject at a time, time for learning adapts to you, not the other way around.

And for parents, their planning tools, transcripts, and grade templates make staying organized and compliant incredibly easy. Curious if time for learning is right for your family, visit timeforlearning.com. That's time number four, learning.com to explore their curriculum and find the perfect plan for your student. You can get started with a monthly subscription to see just how much your kids love learning on their own terms. Why don't you introduce yourself, like who you are, who your son is, who's in your family, where you live? Okay. So I'm Mary Heller, and I have three kids. I raised them in Sebastopol on a farm. They ate off the gardens, drank raw goat milk. So we lived out on a farm. Ryan was my oldest, he's 27 now, he has two little sisters, 22 and about to be 22 and 24 in college.

When Ryan was diagnosed, I just was one of those parents who dropped everything on the planet and just was on a mission to try to help him out. And it was scary back then because they would be like, if you can keep them engaged, every waking second, they might be cured by the time they're five. So I would be like feeling guilty if I stopped to brush my teeth almost. But then we chased around all the biomedical and all the options trying to help him. And nothing really worked out that well. But and so then he went to, he started out in regular ed and quickly got put into special ed, which there wasn't very good services. We were out in the country.

And so he went to a really nice school, O'Kill School, which was a non-public school for mostly autistic people. He quickly got put in the life skills class, is basically the kids who they've determined they just really aren't teachable. And so let's teach some just basic life skills. And there he stayed all the way through 22. He graduated during the pandemic. He was considered one of the most difficult kids out the school, most loved, you know, but just very, very, the apraxia was very big. And his agitation was very great. And for someone just joining who've never heard about apraxia, can you explain, just summarize what apraxia is? So apraxia is a mind-body disconnect where your motor system, your body is not working with you. So your mind is really pretty much a normal mind who's absorbing information, hearing it, wanting to put out a response or do an action. And then your mind tells your body to do it and your body does something completely different.

So for example, if Ryan wants to say, pass me the fork, he might say nothing or he might say, I want water. And similarly with the body. And then sensory issues were very overwhelming for him too. So anyway, and then at around 12, I think I said, you know, I'm going to give up. If there's some miracle that's going to come on the scene, I'm going to hear about it. And so that's when I kind of gave up on chasing every rainbow and, you know, biometically or therapeutically. And I did. I did give up at that point.

But I kept asking for a typing goal on his IEP. Because I'm like, he could be one of those kids that might be able to communicate himself at some point. So I just want that typing goal. And I always fought for that typing goal. And I remember, and I told Ryan the story when he was 12 at an IEP. I was with the school psychologist was there. And I said, I really want to keep that typing goal on. And the school psychologist was like, well, why?

And I said, well, because what if, you know, someday some of these autistic kids are able to communicate? and then they can communicate fully through typing. And I'd like to keep giving him access to that in case he could find his communication that way. And the school psychologist turned to me and said, Mrs. Heller, if he had any, you know, if he had any of the kind of level of ability that you're discussing, we would have discovered it by now.

And I just gave up that day. I just felt like a diluted, you know, okay, I'm just a deluded parent. I'll just drop it, you know. But I didn't drop the spelling goal, but that was a day. my heart kind of sunk like stop trying, you know. Well, and it's had to be really, I mean, even right now you're feeling really emotional from that.

Yeah, I don't think I had a dry eye in any IEP ever. I mean, you have a table of people sitting around telling you're telling you that your kid's IQ, you know, your kids like has less skills than an infant. It's like they take hope away. And they take hope away and they do these tests that just show that, you know. And I knew that Ryan had so much more in him, but apraxia is tricky. So just when I would be like, you know, this guy is so freaking smart, his apraxy would make him do something like, I don't know, put something metal in the microwave or, you know, something funky.

And then I'd be like, oh, maybe I'm just wrong. Maybe I'm just hopeful. So it's a very, it's a very deceptive thing, acraxia. So anyway, when he was 23, a friend of mine sent me a book called Underestimated an Autism Miracle. and it was about a boy who seemed very much like Ryan, who learned to completely communicate and his intelligence and he was unlocked. And I read the book, and I was just like, I got to try this. I mean, this book, I read books in the past,

but they always made it seem like to me I read them as, this was one miracle mother who just was like did something unreplicable. Right. And I, you know, I didn't realize. And one miracle kid. Like I just thought these were one-off. this book was like, this is all of our guys. They can all do this, you know?

And the boy was just around Ryan's age and the whole thing. I just really related to it. So I'm like, we have to make an appointment with that therapist before. We're never going to get to see her again. And so, oh, and I called his dad and asked his dad to read the book. And then his dad called me crying. And said, I don't want to get my hopes up again. What are you doing to me?

Blah, blah, blah, blah. And I said, you know what? We owe it to him to give him the chance. He can't bring himself there. We don't have to have any expectations, but we owe it to him to put the opportunity in front of him. So we made an appointment with that spelling practitioner. We went down to their office, and we saw that day that his intelligence was there. For people, again, just joining spelling as a way to communicate by typing, pointing to letters, which is a gross motorist.

Right. So what it does is it just bypasses the speech pathway altogether, that these kids, they've been hammering away at the speech pathway forever. And with Ryan, he has unreliable speech and limited speech. So this bypasses that kind of broken or damaged pathway. And you literally learn to communicate by laying down a new pathway by pointing at letters like this. You're moving your shoulder. So you lay down your speech pathway through your gross motor system. And it was just wild because the first day we walked in, the woman walked right over, spoke to him, not me, spoke in an adult voice.

You know, hey, Ryan, it's so great to meet you. I know how intelligent you are. You don't have to prove anything. You know, gave him a little, he wrote a blog about it, actually. And then we went in and he started spelling. And we were behind the two of them. And he was doing, he was really like into it, you know, and he was pointing to the letters and stuff. But the moment when I got it was she said, hey, Ryan, who did we fight in the American Revolution?

and that was not in the story she was reading him. And so I'm like this, like life skills class, no, you know. And luckily, she's ignoring me. And he says, magic dragons, as he's spelling, E-N-G-L-A-N-D. So he's saying Magic Dragons with spelling England. And he's spelling England. And I just got the whole thing at that moment. I just started crying.

His dad started crying. And then anyway, so I saw, saw it. Like, he's, he is in there. He's trapped in there. His mouth is not working for him. These days, I'm all about quality over quantity, especially in my closet. If it's not well made and versatile, it's just not worth it to me. That's honestly why I love Quince. The fabric feels elevated. The cuts are thoughtful and the pricing makes sense. Quince makes high quality wardrobe staples using premium fabrics, like 100% European linen, 100% silk, and organic cotton poplin. Quince works directly with safe, ethical factories and

cuts out the middleman. You're not paying for brand markup or fancy retail stores. Everything Quince makes is built to hold up season after season. The stitching, the fit, the fabrics. These are pieces you'll reach for over and over. The Quince Cotton Cashmere sweater has become my go-to. It's light enough for layering, but still feels luxurious, and it doesn't cost anywhere near what quality cashmere usually does. Start building a wardrobe you love. You don't need a closet full of options. You just need pieces that work. Right now, go to Quince.com slash tapes for free shipping and 365 day returns. That's a full year to wear it and love it, and you will. Now available in Canada, too. Don't keep settling for clothes that don't last.

Go to Q-U-I-N-C-E.com slash tapes for free shipping and 365-day returns. Quince.com slash tapes. Every new year, I come in with the same intention to feel steady, have more energy, clearer focus, and real consistency. And I try to do everything right, sleep enough, eat well, move my body, but I often still feel tired. and foggy, like I'm dragging through the day. And what I didn't realize is that iron deficiency doesn't always look dramatic. It often shows up quietly through patterns you might brush off, like persistent fatigue, frequent headaches or irritability. Low iron can affect your energy, focus, mood, even things like brittle hair and nails. Because when iron is low, your body has to

work harder to deliver oxygen. That's why I started taking citadel from pharma neutra. Since I've started taking it, I've seen a noticeable difference in my energy, focus, and even my mood. It's a premium Iron Supplement, powered by patitin sucrosomial technology. Designed to help your body absorb iron three to four times more efficiently without the common side effects like nausea or constipation. It's gentle on the stomach, clinically proven in over 150 studies, backed by over 20 years of research, and it's just one capsule a day, easy to stay consistent with. If you're starting the year feeling tired or foggy despite good habits, you're not alone. And this might be the support your body needs. Join over 2 million people worldwide who've already discovered CITERAL. Head to PharmaNutra-U-S

and use code tapes for 10% off your first order of CITERAL. That's P-H-A-R-M-A-N-U-T-R-A-U-S dot com promo code tapes. So we did like a four-day intensive, and then they were really great about showing me how to go home and work with him. So then I went home and we sat at the dining room table for an hour, or no, like a half an hour every day and did our spelling lessons. And he went through all the procedures until he got to open. And it was the biggest miracle mother could ever dream. I mean, I got to know him at 23 years old. And, you know, you know your kid.

Yeah, I did. I knew his heart. But I really didn't know him. What were some of the things he started saying or spelling about when he was open? One of the first few things he told me was that he had a deep relationship with God. I didn't know that. I knew he liked to go to church, but I thought maybe he just like the ritual of it, you know, that there's consistency. He has a deep relationship with God. One of the fun things was hearing him

use different family members' expressions. Like hecka, yeah, hecka, yes. Like that's his dad, you know, or an expression I would use. So for the first months when he was open, it was just like, oh my God, Ryan said this or, you know. And, but anyway, so then we, this is what I learned about him. He's very serious and very deep and very intellectual. And his language, is very intellectual. And so I started asking him also he knew all this stuff that we were spelling about and he'd never been educated. And so I asked him, how are you, how do you know all this? How do you know all this math? How do you know? And he couldn't show that he knew one plus one equal two to the school. And he said, well, I study at night. And I was like, okay, I'm pretty sure

I've only ever seen you watching like the Wiggles or Muppets from Space, like, you know, and But anyway, I mean, not to slip into telepically, but I guess he said he learned at the conscious realms. He studied everything. And he is educated. He went right into college, having been uneducated, and as an A student at college. He knew stuff that you didn't know, that he couldn't understand. I didn't know how he knew anything that he knew. The first time it really, really hit me, I mean, it all hit me, but one time I was doing a lesson with him.

And the question was like, and I'm going to botch the details, but the question was like, who won the long distance running in Africa gold medal in 1984? And it was not in the lesson. No, I didn't know the answer. And it was an African name this long. And he spelled the whole thing out. So I googled it. And it was exactly right. And then I called his dad, who's the only sports washer in the family.

And I'm like, did you ever tell Ryan about that? And he's like, no, but that's the right answer. and that's when I was starting to be like, is there anything he doesn't know? How does he have this information? Oh, he's a healer. I mean, he has told me, and he does it to me, but he has told me that he feels called to heal anyone that he's with,

that he heals them. I think there's a lot more gifts he hasn't even told me yet. I sound so silly, and I always thought I was so silly. That's why all this telepathy tape stuff is so confirming for me. Yeah. When I was nine, I had a very strong, like, dream that wasn't a dream, and I woke up. So I always knew he was coming. What happened?

Okay. So I was like nine, and I had this experience when I was asleep. It was in this deep-jutted topography of like, it reminds me of like the Marin Headlands. You know, sage-covered hills and mist and fog all around. Kids were milling about running around. There was cloaked people, but, you know, like people in like hemp cloaks or whatever. and I had a deep love for this little blonde kid. And he was like, I don't want to do this.

And I was like, it's already been decided we're doing this. And he was saying, I don't want it. Yeah, he was like, I don't want to do this. You know, and I was like, there's no getting out. We're doing this. And the message I got was he was going to get lost, right? And so I woke up from it and I'm just sitting there and I'm like, what was that intense love? I've never felt that kind of love

and all of a sudden hit me. I was nine or eight. I was like, oh my God, I just felt mother love. Like I felt the love of a mother. And he knows about the dream. He has talked to me about it. But anyway, even... What does he said about it?

He wrote a poem about my dream and then said the gentle cloak-covered beings. And I'm like, I never told you that detail. And so I asked him. And he's like, yeah, Like he was like, yes, I do remember that visitation. And it helped me. It really helped me because I knew that there was some inevitability to this that we had.

It was like a soul pact that we had made that we were going to walk through this journey together. And when did you first maybe show the story about the fire? Like when did you first know that maybe he's able to tap in? Oh, I knew way before that. Okay. So what were the first signs that maybe he had a much more expansive awareness than you did? Oh, okay. Well, I mean, I always sort of knew. Like, when I was 40, I had an unplanned and very welcome pregnancy. And I was, you know, tiny back then. And maybe when I was just a few weeks pregnant, he just kept rubbing my tummy and saying, baby, baby. And I'm like, oh, don't be silly, Ryan. And then sure enough, I found out, like, a month later that I was having my daughter. And so little things like that. Or I couldn't hide anything from him. So we would joke that he was psychic. But, and then. And then, but when I started spelling with him, after every spelling session, I would go down

back home to the driveway and talk to my husband and be like, I don't know what's going on. He's reading, we're reading each other's mind. He's reading my mind, and I reading his mind. And that's not to say that the spell, it's not with the spelling. I mean, he spells stuff I've never even dreamt of, you know, but something was happening where I could, a whole sentence would pop in my head, and then he would spell it. Or, you know, and it wasn't from me. Like, so I just started noticing this, this.

That's why I was so blown away when telepathy tapes came out. I mean, I just sat in my room and just, just listen to all of it. Because I was like, this is exactly what we're living. I didn't know about all the other stuff. And you heard anyone else say that? Oh, everyone. And then what would happen was like, you know, the speller web pages.

You know, like a new parent would come on and be like, hey, I'm pretty sure, like my kid's reading my mind or I'm reading his mind or, you know, and then a million new parents would be like, Same, same. And then the moderator would come on and be like, listen, we don't talk about this here. You know, we're going to have to shut this down. So I would tell my girlfriends and stuff, it's not just me. It's all these other moms. I'm not making this up. So I was very aware. I was like, I don't know what it means, but we have it. And did you think of testing it or did you do that after the telepathy tapes? After the telepathy tapes. I never thought of tested it. In fact, it's something I didn't want in a way, like the spelling, because I want to know, you know, I want to know. I want to know. that I don't want him to spell something I'm thinking, but it doesn't feel like that. It just feels like it's not that because he's saying stuff I would never say. He has his own voice,

but no, I never really did. It was just, I just knew we had it. And I didn't really just spend a lot of time thinking about, oh, what else can you do? Right. You know, it's just something we were experiencing and it was mind-blowing enough. Now I take it like, it's kind of just like nothing. It's just like another, like he put it. It's just like another sense that he has. and how he puts it as we share a consciousness. And so actually my spelling went a little won't a little wonky when I was trying to, I was trying to break the channel. They call it the thought channel, you know,

because you want to break the thought channels because you don't want to interfere with his thought process when he's, and then he finally said to me, Mom, that's like asking me not to hear. It's almost like, if he wants to tap into my mind occasionally, he will. I think of it like training wheels. Like, oh, okay, so. you want to warm up, you're going to tap into my mind a little bit maybe.

And I'm not sure that's how it is, but that's sort of how he explains it. But then he just goes off. And I'm like, whoa, I didn't see that coming. So sometimes it's just almost like a confidence boost to keep our shared confidence. And then he's just off and running. So I don't trip on it anymore at all. I just don't worry about it. I forgot what we were doing with one parent.

There was a neuroscientist, not Dr. Hennessy Powell, someone else who was doing a tuffly test. And then we found that if the, like the mom was looking at the board, he could get it right. but then we had her look her way and then he couldn't, but then we were like, just look at it for the first letter. And then when she looked at the first letter of what she was thinking, and then looked away, he could do it. So it was like a training wheels. Yes.

It was like, okay, this makes me feel safe. I can get my motor going with like whatever's happening. It's all co-regulation. The whole thing is co-regulation. And that's why I think it's been, you know, they cast light upon it as being woo-bo or whatever because, well, why won't we put the board down? All of a sudden you can't do it.

It's co-regulation. And there's a huge relationship of trust that makes it possible. Yeah, I think we're trying to, people are trying to understand spelling in a way that's so ableist in a way and not considering the whole expanse of scape of how it could be working and no one's asking the right questions, at least not yet. I mean, now that I think they are. You know, I'm starting to realize this whole entire autism thing is, everything is viewed to such ablest eyes that we're really doing them a disservice.

Like, I would just give you one quick example that, and at some point I did want to mention something to you that I really want to get out to the world. Okay. But, you know, for instance, when Ryan needs to listen, he'll look away from me. And he's like, that's how I can really hear you, because or else he sees all these colors coming out of his eyes. It just gets too much that the synesthesia mixes the colors with the sound. So he'll turn away.

So what happens when you're talking to somebody and they turn away and are looking away? You think they're not listening. You think they don't understand you. You think they're checked out. And then with our ablest mind, we say, oh, this person doesn't comprehend. Oh, probably diminished IQ, diminished capacity. And this is how it happened, that all these intelligent kids are in a system where everyone believes they're unintelligent. It's all because we're seeing everything through ablest, neurotypical viewpoint. That's my message. I'm really trying to get out. I think it's really important. Yeah. I think in a second, just for people, like Ryan is flying on our couch out there. Just feel safe and kind of regulate. Then we'll bring him in and go through some of the questions that listeners sent in. But I guess in the meantime, we can give him a little bit more time. Do you want to tell the fire story?

Because I think that one's so interesting. Okay. So Ryan lived, I lived in the big house, and then Ryan lived down the driveway in his little bungalow. Me and my partner went out for a bike ride. Ryan was leaving when we left, was going off to his spelling club at the junior college. With, with Erica, who's his associate, he likes to call his SLS people's associates. So with his associate, they were going off to get coffee and then go to the spelling club, which is Ryan's favorite day. So we got back from the bike ride, I don't know, an hour or two later, and Ryan and Erica were standing outside his bungalow and the fire truck and the fireman was there.

And so I was like, what happened? And Eric is like, well, and the fireman was like, everything's fine now or everything's fine. Oh, and this was the highest, this was a high, high, high fire alert day in Sebastopol. Like, they were going to turn off electricity and stuff like that. So Erica said, Mary, I'm sorry, but Ryan just really demanded I go home. He just said, go home. And the way he said it, I just complied. And so we came home and we came inside and he went right to his room.

And I smelled this really noxious smell. And I traced it to the kitchen. It's just a little bungalow. I traced it to the kitchen. and I opened underneath the sink, and there was all this black smoke poured out, and it was sparking and catching on fire, so I called 911. So there was those power strips, and it had been cracked, and it was plugged under. I don't know, to plug the disposal in or something, and it was catching fire.

And so, of course, in my mind, I was like, oh, this is a coincidence, but I just didn't say anything, So they left and went off to finish their day at the college, and we put in a new power strip. And I got the notes back from the group spelling at the college that day. And Ryan had first sense was Ryan spelling to his friends. Hey, guys, I saved my bungalow today. My grandma came to me and told me to get home right away. And when I got there, the bungalow was starting on fire. And so that made me so happy because my mom had died fairly recently.

And me, her and Ryan, were extremely close and just made me feel so good to know that she was around. It's such a beautiful story because this has come up a few times, right, where I think there's that question of, is there a psychic ability? Is there telepathy? Or is there help from ancestors and loved ones? I think it's probably a mix of everything from when I'm gathering. Yeah. Well, what he told me, he's, because I did ask him about that. And he said, I feel souls. all the time. I feel them. Because I said, do people from the dead communicate with you? And he said, yes. And I said, do you see them? He said, no, I more just feel them. He said, but with grandma, she whispers to me. And I said, what does she whisper to you? And he said, oh, and then he said, and she sings me songs of perpetual devotion. So, so, so, so grandma's. What a sweet. I know.

What a sweet assurance for you. Oh, I'm so, you know, this has been the huge gift to me. I was a little neurotic worry warp before all this. Now I'm like, I'm not afraid to go to the other side. I know all our loved ones are around us. I just feel so much more at peace, having the whole big picture make better sense. We got a question from a mother who has a newly spelling son come in, I think just yesterday. And we get this question a lot where she said, my son will spell just fine with the CRP or the SLP or who,

is working the associate, but she's having a very hard time spelling with her son herself. And could you just talk to that mother? Like, is that common? Why do you think it happens? Do you have any advice? Okay. So, so common. And so I'll just spit out all the things that I know about. And it's happened with me. I mean, Ryan and I were fluent. And we were two little peas in a pod. And then once I start getting other CRPs for him and other spellers, he, he, he, he, He stopped. There was a point where he stopped really spelling robustly with me. And so there's a whole bunch of things going on.

One is, first of all, there's apraxia. And I call apraxia like opposite world. The more you want something, the more that apraxic body is going to come in and try to sabotage you. And so one thing Ryan had told me, and I think we need to know about all of our kids, don't believe for a minute that they don't want to spell with you. They want to spell with you more than anybody in the world. And so one that could have gotten into a loop where they just pushed you away.

One time, Ryan wasn't spelling with me, I mean, for a period of time. And so we went to one of the practitioners who he spells extremely eloquently open with. And I asked, you know, how can I help? What am I doing wrong? Like, why aren't we spelling anymore? And he was sweet because he hates to hurt my feeling. So he was like, I guess it's time for the hard conversation. Is that what he spelled?

And he said, mom, you need to take care of your own regulation. So I took that very seriously. I started going to hypnotherapy. I started taking the time to make a lot of changes to, because, you know, as moms are, they're like, forget me. I'm just going to go take care of everybody else. I was like, okay, isn't this interesting?

I'm being forced to do self-care so that I can go back to being with my son and helping my son. So I started doing a lot of the self-care. But no matter what I did, he was still saying it. And then recently, I really went deeper. I just went deeper with my versions of spirituality, the things that I do for my own peace and spirituality. I did a lot of meditation, hypnotherapy, and I was feeling it. Like, okay, I was really moving into a calmer place. And I went to spell with him, and he started spelling with me.

And he spelled, Mom, you just keep getting calmer and calmer. So the point of this is, it's not like, take a few deep breaths. they are feeling your higher self. They need your higher self to be calm. And one way to stay calm, which is kind of ironic for autism parents who are suffering from years of PTSD, right? I'm like, oh, this is the ultimate ironic joke

that now I have to be completely calm to talk to my son, like on that deep, deep, deep level. So it's still a work in progress. And another thing I did is I finally said, you know what, we're going back to a practitioner together. We're starting at ground zero. So we went back to the practitioner and started at ground zero and we moved up very quickly.

And then from there, I'm going to generalize it back out of the office. And so it's happening. It's still not like it was when it was just him and I. But anyway, it's very common. Those are the things to watch out for. The parent has to really, really do their work to be a true co-regulator. Second, we have so many expectations for our kids. The practitioners are just much calmer, obviously.

So all our parent overdrive and the wanting open, wanting open, A big thing is to let go of wanting open. Like, you just have to take each session for just exactly what it's going to be. Because they, you know, apraxia can smell expectations. Like, just no expectations we're just here together in this moment. And so those are the things, is to not work towards open. And it will come. Like, it will just naturally come.

Nobody's not become open, really, unless somebody's given up. And there's a spelling coach in Atlanta, Austin, and we follow him in the telepathy tapes. someone's coming out and he always says if you follow the recipe it will work you just you have to stick with it and every parent's fear like i was it's like i would go back to the practiceer before he was open and be like have you ever had anyone who didn't get open is he not going to get open i think that's a lot of people's fear and they all get open if you keep if you keep at it yeah um different timing but it's so it's just such a dance of being in the right vibration and parents are much more

We're all hoverers. We've been to hell and back with our kids. Oh, the other thing, I told him, I will never give up. You can say you don't want to spell with me a million times. I'm never giving up. And that's good for them to know, too. Because a lot of it can be the intracia and the loop just pushing. Yeah.

And the fear, like his fear, it sounds like it was really traumatic when he thought he was going to go be educated at nine. And that school put him in the same life skills class. Right. So the fear that, like, people will give up on me again. Right. They'll give up on me again. Right. So that's a big message I give, like me.

um is that i'm not i'm i'm never giving up this is what i want more than anything on this planet and i saw his body relax when i said that it's like such a journey of love non-speakers especially with apraxia where it's just so hard to ever know you know but by observation what's happening because it's not a true marker it's scary it's really scary and a lot of us went to spelling because we were afraid for medical stuff i mean i i found my son lying in a bed with shattered shoulders, and I never got to find out what happened until after he could spell. And he had a seizure in the shower, and it was so forceful that it was his first seizure that it literally did not only dislocated, but like kind of shattered. He's had to have double shoulder surgery.

So you're scared. And I know a lot of other parents who, their reason for going to spelling is this kid needs to be able to tell me when something medically is going on. Should we bring him in here, go through some of his questions? Yeah, absolutely. Okay. Hey, so welcome to the studio, Ryan. I know you spent a lot of time answering these listener questions. Do you want to go ahead and read them, Mary? And if Ryan wants to jump in? Well, basically, there was a question just about,

what do you want to share with the world? Are you happy? What is your life like since spelling? And you answered, and this first sentence made, he answered, I love my life, which made me cry. And then he came over and wiped my eyes with tissues. So I love my life. I have been through many things in my journey to be an open speller.

It has to be the accomplishment in my life to date that I am most proud of. This is in no way a solo victory. My family has been with me even on my worst days. The support to become a speller takes a family willing to be brave in the face of adversity. Never giving up is the first commitment to give a non-speaker the quality of life all people deserve. And then part of that question was asking about apraxia and how do you feel about dealing with apraxia? and Ryan responded, health issues and living in a body I'm fighting to control have made life hell sometimes.

The commitment my family made to me to never give up on me was one I also had to make to myself. I get to enjoy so many things that help me stay positive. I live in a house with my friends and visit my parents all the time. I love to cook and pay very close attention to what I put in my body. I want people to know that life is so beautiful when you can communicate. Without a way to share my thoughts, the colors in the world fall away from vibrance. Darkness consumes those left behind in silence. We are deserving of the chance to be heard and have our intelligence respected.

Some may say that it's not for everyone, but I believe with my whole heart that everyone that can't speak can spell. I think that's a wonderful answer, Ryan. This is a question from a listener. Are all non-speakers able to communicate telepathically? I always get scared of generalizations, but, and are they able to communicate telepathically just anyone, including speakers who may not currently communicate telepathically. Ryan answered yes to are all non-speakers telepathic. Attend foodie.

Yes, it can happen for anyone who is willing to open their mind to the frequency, whether you're speaking or not. There are many people open to reaching shared consciousness in their own way. To be honest, it's not up to me how people get there. It's a personal pathway built between individuals who connect in a unique way. Non-speakers just know because it happens involuntarily. Ryan, do you like when you do the slapathy test? I mean, is it fun to show or do you get frustrated by show?

F then, U then, and then, T then, O then, S then, H then, O then, W, fun to show. It's funny because people get so blown away by it and to us it's so normal. I know, I know, and I always want to, you know. Ryan, can you read your dad's mind too or any of your siblings' minds? Okay, just answer that one. Y, E, S. Yeah. From a listener,

some non-speakers appear to demonstrate a form of knowing that goes beyond typical intuition. In certain cases, they seem to anticipate future events or outcomes

with notable consistency in ways that resembles precognition or savant-like perception. From your perspective, how should this phenomenon be understood? Okay, and Ryan answered,

it should really be perceived as a sense that has been developing because the control of our speech isn't there. We took control in another sense. and then we asked for clarification and he said, it's difficult to explain

how the sense was developed, but over time it has strengthened to the point where it is happening unconsciously. It's a beautiful answer. I think that's all the questions. Okay, Ryan. Okay, so I just want to ask you something before. Is there anything you would like to say?

T then, H then, A then, and then. Oh, no, no, no, no, keep finishing. Get your thought. get it. K then, Y then, O then, O then, you then, K then, Y, thank you, Kai, F then, O then, then, R then, C then, then, H then, then A then, M then, P then, P then, I then, O then, N then, G. Thank you, Kai for championing. get it, get it, get it, get it, get it. And then, O then, and then, S then, P then, P then, E then, get it, get it, A then, K then, K then, E then, E then, S. Thank you, Kai, for championing non-speakers. I feel like you're championing all humanity.

You're really the one to be celebrated. Oh, yeah. You can go on the couch really quick since he's cozy on the couch. Tell me a little bit about his dreams. He's dating and what are some of the things he... Ryan has a lot of dreams. He really wants a college degree. And I've even said to him a few times, and he's in college, and I've even said to him a few times, like, you know, there's so much, like, busy work. Like, we can just educate you without all the nonsense of all this stuff you have to go through the hoops you have to jump through to get a degree. And he's like, oh, no, I want my degree. So he wants a degree. He wants a mathematics degree. He wants his career to be advocacy. for non-speakers. He even has ideas of schools. He has this idea of creating a school where the younger

kids can see the older adults actually spelling and using their spelling and productive ways so that they have like mentors that they can see where their life can move towards. He talks about that a lot. He really wants to help little non-speakers not go through what he went through. and he has friends. I mean, the biggest thing in life really is he has friends, good friends. He roller skates every Wednesday with all his speller friends. He's always skied. He skis a lot.

He bike rides with all his friends. He goes to the movies with all his friends. They spell together in group sessions. He just started seeing a female in his speller group who asked him out, which is very exciting, and they're getting to know each other. And like he said, he loves his life. Maybe you can you just talk about Ryan when he started writing songs, and some of these are a hip-hop song, which is really fun.

When did he start writing these? Oh, remember when you asked me, like, what are the things that I learned about Ryan? One big one was his deep relationship with God, and he was very serious and intellectual. And because he could have been anything. Could have been a jokester. He could have been, you know. And the other thing I learned was his deep, deep love of music.

and I didn't know that. I knew he knew different bands, but it was always like he'd be more often than not be telling me to turn music off. But he has all these favorite bands, and he started writing music right away. It just came out of him. Nobody suggested it.

Not music, but lyrics and poetry. Do you play instruments too or just sing? He does, but with his apraxia, it's difficult. He said his biggest dream would be that he would be able to sing his own songs. And he does sing with a music teacher. but with the apraxia, it's really hard. But his song, and he said the thing he's most proud of is his songs.

He really loves writing his songs. So, yeah, and then he said he wanted to write hip-hop. Ryan's like, let's give it a try. And he just, he just bailed out that whole song in one city. Do you want to read us some of the chances? We haven't gotten anyone yet to put it to hip-hop music, so if anyone wants to do that. First hip-hop song, repair yourself. 2023.

Repair yourself. Ryan Heller tons to say, my course. doesn't happen every day. Born Apgar are the best, not sure of the rest. I could read, I could lead. The time and pain under the sheets, you let all the team talk while you sleep. Me meant to decide my destiny. Well, all I want is some rest in me. Killing it with my spelling, still living in my mama's dwelling. Happy for all we have in ways love is the salve. But I got to make my way. Mom will be gone one day. Verse two, I win your game, lose your fame. Ryan Heller stoked to show all the shit that I know. You will be hell of surprise.

if you rally on my side. So help me communicate so I can run all the way out the gate, making my way to university, so I can let out every verse in me, understand all that I plan, stories help you, man. Map out my life. I may even love a wife. You are there for good. All are experimenting mapped a path to be understood.

Sorry. So never doubt us, tons about us. Repair yourself. You're very good. You can surpass that childhood. I love that. I know. Oh, another thing he told me when he could

finally spell, as I said, this is the first year of your life you can actually tell me what you want for your birthday. Because every year I would get radio. And then there'd just be all these radios piled up in the corner of his room never used. So he spelled, I would really love private cooking lessons with a chef. And so that's what he's been doing ever since. So he cooks with a chef. He loves to cook. He cooks meals for me. He's a, like he said, I love my life. I mean, what more can you, What more words do you want to hear from your autistic adult who's been to hell and back a thousand times over? And I just like such a testament to why spelling is so important because if your child is unreliable speaking or non-speaking, can't say what they want maybe reliably for their birthday.

Who would have ever thought private cooking? I know. I mean, I had no idea. So many things. I mean, that's the beauty that I got to know my own son at 23 years old. I remember being like, like, can we go through the dinosaur stage now? Like those things you miss, you know? and it's beautiful.

I mean, it's just a really beautiful special relationship. And he has no anger left for anybody. I mean, it's nothing but love for everybody. Well, you're an incredible role model, I think, for so many parents out there. I mean, really, it's like your love shines through and your perseverance. And what a beautiful, I mean, the fact that he's ended here. I know, I'm so happy. I'm just so happy.

It's worth everything. That's it for this episode of the Talk Tracks. but new episodes will be released every Wednesday. So stay tuned as we work to unravel all the threads, even the veiled ones that knit together are reality. And please remember to stay kind, stay curious, and that being a true skeptic requires an open mind. Thank you to my amazing collaborators.

Producers Catherine Ellis and Selena Kennedy, technical directing audio mix and finishing by Jeremy Cole, opening and closing music by Elizabeth P.W. And original logo and cover art by Ben Condora Design. I'm Kai Dickens, your executive producer, writer, and host.