The Tim Dillon Show - 146: 146 - Small Town Girl

Episode Date: May 5, 2019

This week we find Tim in the middle of an LA blackout, joined by Devan Costa. There's talk of a high speed police chase, a hypothetical shootout, and an Uber driver conversation (followed by a Tim Dillon special investigation) that will make your hair stand on end. Please Support our Sponsors: Making an website is easy with Wix! Go to https://www.timdillonsgoingtohell.com to see for yourself, and follow the link at the bottom for 10% off Wix premium plans!Go to https://www.infinitecbd.com/skankfest fo Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You are listening to the Gas Digital Network. And now, Tim Dillon is going to hell! Hey everybody, welcome to Tim Dillon's Going to Hell. We are broadcasting from a porch in Los Angeles, California. I'm here with my friend, Devin Costa. Nice to be here again. Yeah, so you might hear some noise in the episode. A dog bark.

You might hear a cholo. A drone. Something. You know, don't, you don't need to send me a message and let me know. Enjoy the birds chirping. Enjoy the fucking natural sounds. What do they call them on YouTube? What do they call the things, the ambient noise?

Ambient noises, yeah, yeah. People can't sleep because they hate their life. But if they listen to a waterfall, it's okay. If I just listen to a soft rain. Yeah, wind. Yeah, it'll make this loveless marriage I've committed myself to not even matter. Ambient noise. We're doing this on the porch because the power at my friend's house here in LA has gone out.

And it's a real, it's a real block party. All these neighbors who never speak to each other under any circumstances unless it shared tragedy have all decided to acquaint. They're all introducing themselves. They've all lived here years. Yeah, for the first time. By the way, I'm your neighbor. Do you not have power too? And one lady came over, a nice woman, Asian woman.

I thought it'd be funny. She came to my friend's fiance and she said, hey neighbor, how are you? Do you have a power outage? I thought it'd be really great if my friend's fiance just looked at her. Hey, listen, before we get into this, you have a green card. Do you have any papers? I just want to be, I want to be safe. Yeah.

And I just, before we do this, and not to be offensive to you, but do you have any paper? Are you a resident? An alien? Yeah. That would be funny if that happened. It would be funny. It would be funny. It would be a joke.

Why can't you say things that are, you know, you can. Folks, I just got back from Moontower Comedy Festival in Austin. I was having a lackluster set after lackluster set, stone cold sober, while navigating an array of human filth, stumbling around Sixth Street, just drunk, frat bros and tech bros, homeless people, all white, which is nice to see, it's good to see them struggle, dirty, filthy people in Austin, Texas. And then just, you know, the badges cost between 400 and 1,000. And listen.

Unbelievable. So I guess there's people in the audience. And listen, I saw some people have good sets. So I'm not going to say part of it was me. Right. You know? Yeah. But I was, I did a great live podcast with Ron Bennington.

That was fucking great. And then stand up on the spot to show that Jeremiah Watkins does was fun too. But I don't know what it was. Maybe I'm sick of some of the material I'm doing, or I just, it wasn't connecting with the people. You had these seven minute sets. You had to get on and off the stage. I'm a lot in seven minutes.

Yeah. You know? And people are still sorting out what's going on. Right. And it was definitely not my best showing there. But I got to spend time with a lot of other comedians, agents and managers. So thank Christ. Yeah.

That's at least the silver lining there. Thank God I got to spend quality time with people in the entertainment business. You wouldn't be funny if it wasn't for them. If I didn't spend time with the great people of TruTV and others, I don't know why I would get up in the morning. Right. So it's well worth it. The lackluster sets, the vacant looks in the faces of people as I'm out there.

Yeah. Trying to get it fucking chuckle. Right. Seven. A festival. You fly out to do seven minutes. Can you believe that? I don't know.

I believe that comedy festivals should be illegal. And I've said that. I've been on record. And I've said they should not be legal. Music festivals. No festival. Yeah. Block parties.

Yeah. Large gatherings where people pay to have fun should go away. Yeah. In my opinion. Yeah. So if you're listening to this, don't take this as like let's not book Tim. Yeah. I'm just saying.

Right. Whenever organization is involved, the fun is, but listen, people have great sets. I'm not, I'm not nagging anything. I had a bad couple of fucking shows and you know, I'm a bitch. I can't fucking handle it. Yeah. I mean, it just sounds like you're kind of a little disillusioned with stand up at the moment.

You know, stand up is great for, you know, but it's also. There's, there's something about some people love the formulaic nature of comedy. And I don't love that as much as I love other parts of it. Right. But I respect the craft of it and it's fucking hard. But like, so to me, sometimes I like a live podcast, especially at a festival where these are comedy fans and they want to see you stretch a little, do something different. Right.

So, you know, I just, there's a lot of comedy out there, man. I mean, the first show in Austin, I was talking to the guy in the front row. I'm like, what are you doing? He goes, I just started comedy a month ago. I just started doing comedy. Right. Automatically I get turned off. Yeah.

I get a little turned off. Yeah. I'm a little disgusted that that's what you're doing. Yeah. You know, it shouldn't be. I guess I should be like, yeah, good for you, man. Right. But there's a part of me.

You know what it is. Well, you know, that if he just wants to kill him, you're sitting front row, you know, there's a chance if you're in the front row, somebody's going to talk to you. Right. Especially somebody like me who's done three jokes to stone silence. I'm going to get involved with the front row now because I got to bail out. I got two minutes left. Let's try to get a couple of chuckles or a cough so I can get the fuck out of here.

Go back to my hotel. Go to true TV's meat party and eat brisket and fart and burp in front of people that could write me a check to be on their network. Sit there and have the meat sweats in front of a bunch of executives that I should be trying to please hypothetically. There's no better time to talk shop than when you're eating brisket. Yeah. You're throwing down brisket Marlboro Reds in Austin.

But, you know, who gives a fuck? It was fun. Great time. Thanks for having me. Love to go. Great time. Happy to be there. Thanks for having me.

You know. Yeah. Were you supposed to go to a petting zoo or something? Yeah, Netflix in all their infinite wisdom has decided that it would be funny for their social media if comedians took pictures with animals they're torturing by locking them in cages. And I'm not an animal rights activist. You guys know that.

I like a ribeye. I don't give a shit. But, you know, why do you have a chinchilla in a cat carrier in the fucking hotel so that me and the Sklar Brothers can hug it for your fucking Instagram? Why is that funny? And why do we have to put the animal through torture like that? Why do I have to see somebody holding a lizard to think they're funny? Yeah.

I said to the people at Netflix, I go, what's the bit? Right. Because I refuse to do it. I'm like, what is the bit? The animals weren't miserable enough. They got to hang out with comics, too. Yeah. It's like, what would the bit be here?

That I'm holding a lizard? They're like, we have bunnies. It's just fun to have you hold a bow. Why? Why is it fun? Yeah. And then they look at you like you're insane, like you're the problem. So I didn't do that.

I did a fun thing, which I hope to play on the podcast where we had some fun. Some of their stuff was funny. They prompted me with words and they're like, pitch this show. If this is a couple of words, pitch the show. And that was funny. And I had a lot of fun doing it. So it's not all bad. This is the thing.

They have some good instincts. But then there's the petting zoo shit, which somebody brings up and nobody vetoes that person. Right. What is their thinking with something like that? For comic, like with no idea behind it other than just comics hanging out with animals? It's a visual. Let's get someone's attention. People like animals, people like comics who are also animals.

Maybe if we put them together, it'll be cute. It'll be cute. Because if someone sees me holding a chinchilla, they'll go watch my comedy lineup set if they can find it. You know what you find easier? A chinchilla. I think more people will go buy a chinchilla than go watch a stand-up set after that. But what the fuck do I know? You know, I'm not a marketing wizard.

Yeah. Yeah, you don't need a special password to go see a chinchilla. You know? And I made some jokes. I go, listen, I know you guys are getting floated by Saudi Royal money. I thought that was funny. And they laugh. They laugh.

Those, listen, they're not bad people. They get it. They know it's funny. But listen, it's a job for a lot of them. Somebody up the chain said, let's take photos of fucking people with, you know, fucking bunnies and snakes. And they were like, okay. But I refused that. I refused the petting zoo segment.

I just didn't have as much fun because I'm a content. I didn't do as well as I wanted to on the shows. I love my friends. I saw some of them. They were a lot of fun. And some of the other people I saw that I don't see a lot. I was like, oh, this is nice to see them. And then you talk to them for a few minutes and you go, yeah, this is, this is enough.

And I'm sure they feel that way about me. Right. I'm sure they feel that way about me too. So it's not a big deal. I had more fun FaceTiming you. Right. The police chase. Watching a high speed chase.

Boy. For three hours. Three hour police chase. In Los Angeles. Crazy. The guy got in his car, drove through a fence at a park, escaping the cops, drove through a fence, drove the fence into the street. Then finally his car got over the fence and just he never touched anything else.

The rest. He was like a perfect driver. Now you grew up in LA. Are there chases like this all the time? Oh yeah. A lot. Constantly. Because you can't like in New York.

Right. You can't really do a high speed chase in Manhattan. Yeah. You were saying that in New York they would have just fucking, you know, shot the guy up at his car. People in New York are so miserable. They will start hitting the guy with their car. Right.

Because they want to be a hero. Right. They don't even care. You'll get in an accident in New York before anyone knows it's a chase. Yeah. But we're watching this thing and I FaceTime you. It's two hours into it. Two hours in.

Yeah. Two hours in. I FaceTime you. Because I'm riveted by a high speech and it doesn't end. It doesn't end. You're just waiting for this ending. There's no ending. And what's amazing is that there's always traffic.

It took me an hour to get here from the airport. Right. There was no traffic. No. It was unbelievable. And the guy was he ran the gas tank. I guess down the fucking fumes. To the very fucking end.

And the reason this all got going supposedly was that there was some domestic violence situation. Right. A woman, somebody saw him hitting a woman in the front seat. And then because they were a rat, they called the police. Yeah. Because they're a fucking, you know, and I'm, yeah. There was really no, no one had any solid info on if it was an actual domestic violence

case. It was just a guy driving with his girlfriend in the passenger seat. Right. And the news was just assuming. It was just a Spanish guy driving with his girlfriend. So somebody probably thought that was illegal. Exactly. And called the police.

And what's great is you don't usually see the police work. Yeah. And when you do, a lot of times the stunning level of incompetence is amazing when you watch them. And also, this is all covered by the local news. You know, like Fox 11 LA. Yeah, yeah. And these dirt bags in Arizona, these people come right out of community college and they

put them on fucking television, doing local news, talking about God only to some, if they're lucky, shooting, you know, some local school board race, nobody gives a fuck about. And the chase is big deal for them. But then you got to watch those fuckers riff. Yeah, it's brutal. It is so brutal because they making jokes about like, oh, looks like he might get a speeding ticket on top of everything. Like, oh, God, this guy, they're trying to do bits.

Yeah. Because these people are all scripts. Yeah. They literally shouldn't exist unless there's a script in front of them. Right. You know, and so these morons who are quite proud of their job at Fox, who gives a shit and they're like, this is, this is Pilar, whatever. Right.

Here for Fox 11. And so for a while, they're OK. They start running out of things to say very quickly. Very quick. And you start hearing like the producers, like they will start apologizing going, hey, my producers asking me to talk more. I apologize. Then they start telling you why they weren't talking like, I wasn't really, and you don't

need a running commentary. It's like a golf game. It just shut up. Just shut up and let it happen. We all want, we're watching this because we want a crazy resolution. We want this guy to get it in a hail of bullets. We want the cops to get shot, not fatally, but they are in their leg and they all want to get shot too.

They all want to retire on three quarters pension. All of those cops were hoping they got shot in the ass and could retire on three quarters pension so they could sit home and write Facebook statuses about Trump. OK. Every cop I know is just trying to get shot in a place that so they can still fuck their wife and hit her and so that they can still, they don't want to. So we're hoping that this thing ends in a horrifically, you know, hail of bullets out of a movie. The girlfriend keeps trying to get out of the car when they slow down.

Right. And you see him holding her back in, but then later on, they've started to say like, oh, maybe he's trying to push her out and she's staying like she's like a down bitch, you know, like a ride or die. Like a ruka or some, you know, nobody knows what's going on going on in the car. And they're all trying to like, you know, they're trying to create a narrative. They're like, this feminist was abducted by this man whose alt right. Probably he's probably alt right.

He looks Mexican, but he's maybe he's probably white and tan. Is it George Zimmerman in the car? It might be George Zimmerman. We don't know. We have reports. It looks like. Right. And then you have people that are trying to like people on Twitter, weighing in, people

on Facebook live or commenting on stop. And they're all debating whether she should get out of the car or not. Yeah. She's got her legs on the dash. Like she's they're like, she's bracing for impact. She could be getting her feet on the dash and everybody's like, you know, like this woman's on this lady, this newscaster's like, you know, a lot of the comments say that, you know, if they were in a situation like that, they'd be fearful of getting out of

the car and they'd be scared and she's like, you know, if I was in a situation like that, I would be fearful. And I'm like, you should be in a situation like that. And I hope one day you are. Okay. I hope you have something more interesting to talk about than fucking whatever your life is at Fox 11. I hope you're kidnapped.

So you have this whole thing happening and unfolding. And so this is what I love. This is what I love, by the way, about we're watching waiting for the cops to try to ram this guy. Yeah. To do this pit maneuver. Right. Which will somehow stop him.

Yeah. Okay. The guy is getting on and off the freeway, pulling in the parking lots easily. They could have stopped this. Anytime. Hours ago with some type of maneuver. Yeah. Now here's the rationale that the LAPD, which by the way, as we know historically, guardians

of life. Okay. The LAPD, the rationale, they shoot a pokeball out of your hand if you're J walking. Okay. If you're a black guy and you have a pokeball, they'll shoot at your hand. So these fuckers are now apparently they've now discovered God and they don't want to potentially injure the woman. Yeah.

Doing the pit maneuver. Who's like flipping them off? Who's flip or whatever. Yeah. She's like flipping them off. You know what I mean? She's fucking spitting at them. She's like, leave me and my man alone.

You know? So here's what I think is hilarious. So instead of endangering the woman, they instead endanger for three hours the entire metropolitan area of Los Angeles. Everybody driving is at risk because they lunatics going 80 miles an hour for three hours. He's driving on the sidewalk. He's driving the wrong way down the road on the sidewalk, but they don't want to do

anything to hurt his lady in the front seat. So the innocent people who don't know him, because I feel for her, but she knows him. So I don't know her level of innocence. Maybe kidnapped her, but I don't know. But so instead they're just saying, we'll just let him endanger everybody. Right. Kids, mothers, children, anyone in a car. It seemed like a new tactic.

Like the LAPD got woke or something and they're trying to beat like. It's called ratings. It's called let's let this play out for three hours because we don't have anything to cut to. And then they started towards the end. They're like, we really want to go to empire. So we're going to have to cut over to empire if this doesn't end. Yeah.

They go, it's just small. That's last episode of empire. Yeah. Which is more important than this pretentious woman getting shot in the face. So Josie Smollett, whose crime was fake, we're leaving this real crime to go show you a guy who made up a crime. That's literally what the fox 11. They said that.

Yeah. They literally, they're going to, so they're like, follow us on Facebook live. If you don't want to fuck in. If you don't, because you know, we assume a lot of you are going to switch over to empire right because you're all brain dead. So you'd rather watch empire than a fucking unfolding situation in your community. You know that you'll switch off of this dangerous situation in your community to watch the final episode of empire so that a pathological liar can show how good he is at it on screen.

And it was just crazy. But I had so much fun facetiming you. How long were you watching it? Dude, I was watching it for probably 45 minutes until you facetimed me and it was the same shit. He was just, he was all over town driving on sidewalks, driving on the wrong side of the freeway at points. But what was crazy was the lack of traffic.

It was LA at like six and I don't know, it was like people went home to watch it. It was a Psyop. It was fake. I think it was fake. This was fake. It was some sort of Psyop. These were crisis actors who were not even dead. They were overplaying their hand.

I could see immediately that they weren't real. The lack of aggression by the LAPD was also odd. I was surprised because they kept driving up to the car to do the pit maneuver and then failing and then like getting cold feet. That was pulling into parking lots of like weiner schnitzel and slowly driving and they weren't doing anything. One thing we know about the police is that they love to hesitate and figure a situation out before they go in.

This was the one time to not do that. When a guy's going 80 miles an hour breaking every traffic rule you could imagine, no one gives a shit. I mean. And it ended just so boring. Dude, the ending was bad. Subscribe to the ending. He fucking just drives down the freeway going 100, finally pulls off at a 99 cent store

and just makes a run for it into the 99 cent store. It was kind of fun to see people like scared running out of the 99 cent store. You said something so funny. Do you remember what you said? No. You did that? No. You were like, this is the third craziest thing that's happened at that 99 cent store

that day. That's right. You know? It probably was. And people are running out of the 99 cent store. I don't even know if they noticed he ran in. No, they didn't. That's how people run into the 99 cent store.

They were just running out because they fear their entire lives. They feel hunted. I've been in Ross just for less with no shoes on. They feel hunted. They feel hunted. So they're just running out. He runs into the 99 cent store. I don't know to get a shirt.

He leaves his lady. He thought he was getting gas. Right. He leaves. By the way, I was expecting that was the next thing. They were going to let him pump his gas, refill the car, because they didn't want to hurt him. They're like, we don't want to hurt the woman.

We don't want to hurt him. We respect them. Yes, all women. We respect everyone, you know? So we're going to let him get gas. We're going to let him get a coffee. Let's let him get a coffee if he wants. Let's get him.

We don't want him driving and tired. We don't want him sleeping. We need him alert. We need him alert. We've been at this for three hours. Yeah. So he runs into the 99 cent store. They have a little problem getting him for maybe five, 10 minutes, and then they just

stay as- Not even that long. They all go, all the cops go into the 99 cent store. How great would it be? You're shopping at the 99 cent store, and you just see all these fucking cops run in, fucking guns drawn. At that point in your life, you've got to say to yourself, I've got to figure something out.

Yeah. I've got to move up a- I've got to figure something out here, because this is not, let me tell you right now. But- But yeah, all in all, a boring ending, but it was pretty entertaining. One of my friends texted me, thank God no one got hurt at the end. I'm like, how do you have my number? How do you even have my number?

No one got hurt. I wanted to see this guy shot in the face. Good shots, hell of bullets. I wanted to see him get out with two guns and just start firing at the LAPD. Just to see what those dumb newscasters at Fox 11 would say. Yeah. I wanted to see him and his girlfriend shoot over each other's shoulders, like it's like Mr. and Mrs. Smith.

Yeah. Bonnie and Clyde ship. Yeah, just go nuts. Take it out with a oozy and start shooting so that the anchors at Fox 11 who had based this whole thing, that she was this victim, they were like, the true act of a feminist is resistance. Yeah. She is resisting the police right now, because what the police really are, are guardians.

They are just the protectors of the property owning class. I would love to just see like, well, it looks to me, it looks to us here and we don't have a perfect view, but it does look like the victim is now shooting at the police. Now we can't say for sure if that, and we're sure there's a good reason that she's doing that, but it just appears to us. Now she's making a gesture at the police. I think she's telling them to suck her pussy. That's what it seems like, but she's pegging her boyfriend in front of everyone.

How great would it be if they just pulled over and started to fuck? Fuck, dude. Do you know how much, how great the fuck has to be after you've evaded the police for three hours? Just fucking, fucking her hard. She's into it. She wasn't in the beginning when she was getting beat, but she's got to be impressed by him evading the police for three hours.

By the way, if I was getting hit and the dude hitting me, evaded the cops for three hours, I'd be getting wet in that front seat. I'd be ready. I'd suck his dick. The third hour, I just start slobbing his cock, going, hey, this guy's fucking beat the whole city of Los Angeles, just fucking jumping right on his cock and fucking, wouldn't that be great? Like the news anchor's being like, it appears now, we don't have the best view.

It appears if the victim has straddled the driver and is now fucking him, again, it appeared, we don't know, we don't know if this is the case, but from our limited vantage point here from the helicopter, which had the land to get gas, the helicopter had no fucking fuel by the way, because that's on E, the driving around on E, they're like, from the helicopter view. It almost looks like the victim has straddled the driver and has her tongue in his mouth. But again, this is probably a defensive move for her. She's probably trying to slow him down.

The only way she knows how with her pussy. Oh, man. I mean, we had so much fun. That was a, it was a very fun time. Dude, it was so fun, but nothing compares to the Uber ride today. Nothing compares to my Uber ride from LAX Los Angeles International Airport to my buddy's house. I get in the Uber, I, by the way, as I'm getting in the Uber LAX has these announcements that

they make where they're like, we hope you've had a spectacular experience in LAX and I'm like, who has had a spectacular experience here? And then I'm looking at like other people's parents kissing and hugging kids like going back to college. I'm like, I never had that in my life. You know what I mean? Yeah. My mother gives me a kiss from her room at the state run psychic war, you know, psychiatric

institution. Right, right. You know, my father would probably blow me a kiss over FaceTime from a golf course he's at. But no one's ever dropped me at the airport and said, son, go set the world on fire. You know, it's more like, oh, you're in Austin. Now, shut up. So that's sweet.

You know? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's nice. It's sweet. And some of those college boys, I feel like I want to just go up to them after their parent and just also hug and kiss them as they get onto the plane.

Just like, listen, I just want to wish you the best of luck too. And that's how you meet people. But I get in, I get in the Uber, nice woman, normal woman, normal person does not appear at all to be a little chunky. She looked like, oh, someone that could be a relative of mine. Right. Okay. Yeah.

Nice lady. Decent car, nice new car. Nice Chevy little car. Yeah, yeah. Little SUV, get in the back. Hey, you got a charger? Hey, Tim, I don't. But if you have a cord, I got a port.

Okay. I got a cord. This time I have a cord. Put it in. You know, 10 minutes, I'm just listening to some music. She tries to talk to me a few times. So I said, you know what? I like talking.

So I just take the headphones off. Yeah. And I start getting in with it. We got, I look at the phone, we got 48 minutes. 48. Oh, God. So I say to her, I'm like, hey, how are you? She's like, good.

She's like, where are you coming from? I'm like, Austin in New York City. She's like, oh, you live in New York? I'm like, yeah, but I'm moving here. I'm going to split time and everything. She's like, oh, that's cool. Are you traveling on business? I'm like, well, I kind of live here.

You know, my business and personal, it's kind of the same thing. She's like, oh, that's nice. I'm like, do you live here? She goes, yeah, I live here. I live by Inglewood. She goes, I've been living here six years. Oh, that's great. She goes, yeah.

She goes, I come from a little tiny town in Florida called Perry, Florida. She goes, it's known for hunting. Just a cute, nice conversation. And she goes, you know, I had to leave. She goes, because you know how small towns are. You grow up, you know the same people. They know you was one thing, but you want to be other things.

And I'm like, yeah, I'm getting into it now. Right. Like, I feel that too. Yeah. I feel the same way as you do. She's like, you know, I'm a goofball. I joke around. But she's like, but the reality is I'm not only that.

I want to do other things. She's like, when I was a young kid, I was an actress. I went to modeling school. And she's like, because there's, you know, there's agents in Florida. I had an agent in Florida, but it's hard to get one in LA. I'm like, the business is fuck, you know, now me. I'm getting, I'm like, it's all over the business. You don't understand.

I'm getting going. Like 15 minute specialist. You know what I mean? I'm like, you know what I mean? I'm in now hardcore. I'm like, thank God I have this Uber driver. What a sweet woman trying to reinvent herself. Right.

And, you know, she's talking to me about Florida. She's like, you know, I, you know, I was a server in Florida. I worked at the Olive Garden. I'm like, you like the Olive Garden? She's like, yeah. I was like, I was always a Friday's guy. She goes, Fridays was always 45 minutes away. You know, she's like, I prefer to Applebee's, which is, you know,

she's, you know, this is, this is a small town girl from Florida, from Perry, Florida. She goes, I'm working about eight or 10 hours a day. She goes, I met my boyfriend here. She goes, when I first moved here, I had to move into low income housing. I'm like, I get it. It's fucking it.

So there's a housing crisis in LA. Yeah. She goes, so I met my boyfriend. He was a security guard at the building. So we just started talking and I invited him over one night to stay and he just never left. And I'm like, that's great. You met someone you cared about.

Right. She's like, yeah. And she goes, we're living with his mom now. You know, we're looking for a place. I'm like, that's, you know, it's OK. I'm like, keep her happy. She's like, I do. I do errands for her.

Whatever she needs. She's like, we think we're going to move to Vegas, you know. You know, because it's cheaper there. And I'm like, go where it's cheap. You don't want to work. She goes, I can get a two bedroom for 900. Like that's it. She goes, I can have my friend stay.

And I'm like, great. This is great. Just go. Listen, you don't have to be wedded to any idea of what your life is supposed to be. I'd love to start over in a new place. I don't know anyone. I just can't because I've sold my soul to this big, you know.

Yeah. And she's like, she's like, I bet you're really funny. I'm like, oh, I'm funny, baby, you know. Right. And she's so sweet and nice. And she goes, I'm going. She goes, I'm working extra hard this week because I'm going down to Florida and I want to see my friends.

So I want to make sure all my bills are paid and I want to make sure that I want to make sure that I have some extra money to spend when I go out with my friends. I said, well, that sounds great. And she goes, I'm also going to see my son while I'm down there. I said, well, that's nice. How old is he?

She goes, he's 19. I said 19, you know, that's an age. You know what I mean? I said, what's he up to? She goes, he's in a little bit of trouble. I'm like, well, 19. You know how they are. When I was 19, I was a hooligan.

I was smoking weed, running around, not paying my bills, licenses suspended. I get it. What's going on with him? Smoking a little weed, getting a little crazy? Not in school, doesn't know what he wants to do? She goes, yeah, well, he's incarcerated right now. He's incarcerated right now.

And in the county jail, he's been there about a year. I'm like, oh, all right. Hey, was your drugs? She goes, well, he just fell in with the wrong people. And I said, that's always the way. It's so hard. You can do it. Now I'm thinking about, you know,

she's talking about getting an apartment for 900 in Vegas. I'm like, well, things are percolating. But she's so sweet. Yeah, I'm like, well, she's so sweetie. This is a woman. She had a kid young. It's very hard. The fucking life is tough.

Yeah. I look at the phone. We got about, we got 21 minutes left. We're in the final stretch. So I said, I said where we're talking. And she goes, you know, he's incarcerated. And my mother visits him every other week. His father never wanted to be a father.

So he doesn't really visit him. And I go, yeah, you know, I said, it's tough. I was, what's he in there? Was it like a fight, drugs or something? The car goes silent. I go, an uncomfortable amount of silence. She goes, rape. It's a rape.

And I go, now I'm trying, because we've had this very positive conversation about life affirming and moving and changing and evolving. So I said, oh, she goes, yeah. But she goes, three of the girls, they already say their testimonies are inadmissible. But they're going with the other two. I said, three, hold on.

Hold on a minute. Hold on, three of the women. She goes, yeah. Because one of them said he did it with a knife. And that's not Justin. Justin wouldn't do that. Justin wouldn't put a knife to someone's throat. And now I'm in the Uber.

And we're talking about the Olive Garden five minutes ago. We're talking about her getting an apartment in Vegas. And how nice it was. She wanted to evolve and explore who she was in LA. And I'm like, so your son is a serial rapist at 19. And he's been in jail for a year in Florida. She goes, well, he's got a public defender. And she goes, you know, women lie.

And I go, I bet some do. I bet some do. I bet some. And now I'm like, am I on a show? Am I on some type of thing where I'm going to be fucked now? So I'm trying to make very cautious statements. I'm like, well, human beings are, you know, they're prone to, you know, I mean, it's, yeah.

She goes, some of these girls are lying. OK, so I go, and she goes, there's going to be a trial soon. I said, oh, OK. And she goes, but he's in Polk County in Polk County. Polk County, you know, it takes a while. She goes, but she goes, here's what I think happened. She goes, he had sex with two girls.

And then she goes, I think they felt bad about it afterwards. And then they went and said that it was rape. But it was a, you know, she goes, it sounds like a threesome to me. So I said, well, yeah, I mean, you know, I'm now like, why did why not have the headphones in? And I'm like, I thought if it was a time to just put my headphones right in and just, but I'm like, I'm in now.

I can't get out. So I'm like, I don't know what to say to that. I go, well, you know, I mean, he's in jail for a year. Like that sounds, that sounds like there might be something to it. You know, I mean, again, I'm not a law enforcement person, but he's in jail for a year. She goes, you know, they really drag their feet over there.

And they only let them out for an hour a day. And I'm like, OK. So we finally pull up to the house. And I go, well, listen, I hope it works out. She goes, yeah. She goes, listen, Vegas is cheap. I'm like, well, the other thing, the other. I mean, I know that you've moved on from your son,

but I'm still invested because I just met him 10 minutes ago. And I hope that this works out. And she goes, I should have had a move to LA with me. She goes, but he's anxious. He has anxiety. I'm like, OK. Yeah. So Timmy gets to his buddy's house,

and Timmy goes on the Googles. I said, let me go on the Google. I said, I wonder if I'll be able to find this guy. I said, I wonder if I'll be able to find this gentleman. Yeah, see some more info. OK. I said, maybe I won't. You know, I'm just going to Google Polk County Rapist

to see what I got. OK. OK. OK. OK. Polk County deputies say they've arrested an 18-year-old serial molester who's accused of raping a molesting girl's age 12 to 15, 12 to 15,

two 12-year-olds, two 13-year-olds, and a 15-year-old. His arrest, affidavit, say, stuck into the girl's bedroom windows, pinned one down in a park, threatened one with a knife, and threatened to take matters into his own hands if the victim refused to meet him. It sounds like a threesome. It's cheaper in Vegas. You needed to leave a small town because you

wanted to grow as a person. What? It sounds like a threesome. Your son is a serial molester who's raping people at gunpoint, and you're talking about, you're doing fucking, fucking motivational, fucking self-help book shit in the car. She did tell me before I got out. She goes, you know he was touched on his father's side.

That's why I always tried to keep him away from his father's side. So this poor guy, and I don't mean that because he's a demon, but he was probably fucked. And now he's raping a molesting people. But dude, you got to remember where this conversation started. Her telling me I left that small town in Florida because I just wanted to realize my dreams. And maybe my dreams aren't a career.

Maybe I'll never be a great actress. But you know what? I can really challenge myself and discover who I want. Your son is a serial rapist who's raping children. And you're telling me that you want to go and do fucking, I want to go back to school for cosmetics. I want to work on set because I want to work on set doing makeup. We learned, she goes, I took a summer course.

We learned a lot of stuff, special effects, everything. It was really cool. Yeah. Huh? Your son is holding knives to children's throats in Florida. And you're talking about makeup that you want to be on set. She goes, I want to do men's grooming on set. I'm like, what?

Is that even a anyway? Let's get back to your rapist son who's terrorizing a community. And I read more about him. Supposedly he hangs out outside of the middle school. The sheriff's like, this guy's a terrifying, dangerous member of the community who needs to be like lock and key. And she's like, he was on probation for touching a kid before he got arrested for this.

And she's like, I'm just tired of the small town vibe. She's like, you know, people in the small town, they never see it for what you can become. I'm like, wait a minute. This was a very sweet conversation until we brought up your son who's raping everybody in Florida. Holy shit. One Uber ride, bro.

One Uber ride. One Uber ride. And I started, I took my headphones off as I started to talk to her. I'm like, man, fuck all these people that don't want to talk to their Uber drivers. It's not right. Right. These are people.

You should talk to them. They have stories. I'm a comedian. I'm a podcaster. I thrive on stories. And I was right. But I was like, why would anyone want to put their headphones in and not speak to another human being in the car?

Yeah. 30 minutes later, we're talking about this guy. And I'm like, where? Where? So I'm like, you've been here six years. He's 18. Six years ago, he was what, 12? Yeah.

The dad doesn't want to be a dad. Where are you? Is he with your mom? Yeah. You were out here taking makeup courses? Yeah. While these kids running around in and out of mental institutions? Right.

This is what she said. She's like, he's been in a lot of institutions. I was, dude, I was like, fucking insane. It was crazy. It's like a Florida project, mom. Yeah. I felt like it was kind of surreal. Yeah.

Because she was so detached. And the front part of that conversation was so different. Right. And right after she dropped me off, I guarantee she picked somebody else. And she's like, yeah, we're thinking of going to Vegas. We're just going to Vegas. I hope that's how every Uber ride she does starts.

It's just a little cheaper. We just want to save money. We just need each other. We just want to love each other. It doesn't matter that I didn't make it as an actress. I like doing makeup. I like people. And I bet it, for most people, it doesn't get to.

My son held a knife to a 12-year-old's throat. And I had to leave Florida. God. Oh, my god. I mean, Jesus Christ, left at 12. The left the kids. Well, she's been living here six years. She's been living here for six years,

that the kids had some time to not be a rapist. I'm not going to say the guy's name, but you can easily Google Polk County Rapist. You know, my fucking fans are going to be leaving comments on the fucking page, tweeting at Polk County. Hey, man, Tim Dillon said that I support you. That's all I need.

Some gas digital subscribers starting to go fund me for this animal. Hey, man, 12-year-olds lie. Kids lie all the time. I'm a real ass dude. It was a play date, threesome. Yeah. Dude, I mean, I was just like, because she neglected

to mention. She was pretty forthcoming, but she neglected to mention that these were fucking children. He's climbing in the window of people's houses, like a fuck. Like Jack the Ripper. I don't even know if he did that. I think he got people in alleys. I don't even think he did that.

Who's doing that? Who's climbing in a window with a knife? People want to debate what is and isn't rape. I'll tell you what's right. Definitively. Climbing in a window with a kitchen knife into a sleepover is fucking rape. You choose to leave those details out?

Yeah. You say it sounded like a threesome? Really? You think it's just a survival instinct for her to have to casually disconnect? I think she's disassociated. I think she's split her personalities up almost. I think, I really believe, dude, the beginning

of that conversation she was talking, she's like, you know, just small towns. They really need people put limits on you. I had to cut ties with a lot of people that I knew. I'm like, yeah, because your son raped their kids. The people put limits on you, like the police. She's like, a lot of people put limits on you, the coroner, the medical examiner.

A lot of people, they just didn't want to really see me as the person that I could be. Like a person who moves to California and ignores the multiple felonies my son commits. Dude, I was fucking. Dude, Uber rides are not something. People tell you shit because they know they'll never see you. I'm telling you right now, that's my craziest Uber ride.

That's my craziest Uber ride that I've ever had. Because here's the deal, here's what makes that so fucking crazy. And again, a lot of people have listened to the show and they say it sounds on the show like you are smoking a cigarette. I do not smoke. I have never smoked.

All the cigarettes in the videos are unlit or they're fake cigarettes, okay? The sound of what you're hearing is a cigarette is me pursing my lips and biting into a pear. Yeah, you got a big pear in your mouth. I got a big pear. Here's what it's in the pear. Big pear.

See? Pear. Now, here's what makes that so crazy, right? You meet people every day. You probably have interactions with them that are very surface hopefully. Yeah. And behind, certainly behind me,

if I start talking about my, I mean, nothing compared to what this whole thing was. But behind so many people is a horror that you couldn't imagine. And they're going on about their life like, hey, hey, we can get a two bedroom for 900. As soon as I heard that, I was so excited for her. It's good for you.

She goes, we can have friends over, have friends over. Like I don't have kids, but I imagine if your son was a serial pedophile rapist, you would not be in an Uber talking about, she was talking like a college girl who was just like, I'm just, I feel free. She said that, she goes, California, I just feel free. You know who doesn't feel free?

Junior. Junior doesn't feel free. And it's amazing to me that you open that Pandora's box and you don't know what's in there. People's backgrounds. And I guess she was just, I mean, she's just a dummy that had a kid when she was young. Like did she have, did she seem like she had the kid

when she was really young? She didn't seem old, not super old. Right. She had a youthful energy. You know, it's just interesting to me, I would feel like if your son was in that position, you as a mother would not be talking about going to school for makeup.

Right. Like I feel like you would be, maybe she's so racked with guilt that she can't deal with it. Because this person is ruining the lives of other people. You're ruining the lives of other people. She's talking about going to Florida and she's working for extra money,

not for her son's legal defense, which listen, I'm not saying that you should be throwing a lot of money at that case either, but she's fucking saving money. So what? Her and her friends can have salt water taffy. What are you doing? Cause I want to spend money with my buddies.

When I go back down to Florida, I want to spend some money. Yeah. When she said her son was 20, I'm like, you know, yeah, maybe some Florida bum, being a bum. I didn't think he was it, Vassar. Right. Yeah.

I thought I didn't think he was where he is. And for why? You think it's like half people do that because it's like a psychological strategy to cope and half is just, they're just dumb. Dude, gotta be, but I will tell you this. I was really amazed at how hard she went at the girls. Right.

She's like, they're liars. And I'm like, well, this is a pattern of behavior. This is multiple accounts. Right. But I was amazed that she would tell the story as if he had been railroaded. Right. He's hanging out outside of a middle school

in the article. They're like, yeah, this is the creepy guy that hangs outside of the middle school. And she's talking about it, like it's some case of like mistaken identity. Right. Sounds like a threesome to me. She's like, one of them, one of the testimonies, you know,

the girl with the knife that caught her in the lies and they can't use her. I'm like, but there's, There still was a knife to her. And I bet there, I bet it wasn't alive. It was probably some inconsistency that, you know, for whatever reason, they felt was not beneficial to the prosecution to use.

But she did say it was touched on his dad's side. It's bad, but if I were her, I would have, I would have said this. This is what I would have said. Okay. I would have only said this. I would have said, my son is in Florida. And I'll tell you what is not a standup comedian.

He's not a clown. He ain't doing open mics. And I would have said, you did a great job. And I would have put the headphones on. And I would have listened to a little Sean Colvin or something. Sonny came home. Sean Colvin's got a lot of dark music

that this woman was getting me in some dark. But listen, all the while hearing about that, I was so happy I wasn't eating brisket with comedy executives. How lucky am I that I'm just in the back of a Chevy hearing about child rape for an hour. And I'm not sitting in the lobby of a hotel eating pulled pork, listening to somebody talk

about their fucking pilot. How long have we done? I mean, it is wild, man. I mean, well, they had that whole show, Taxi Cab Confessions, right? Because it's based on- I never saw this on that, but she might be a recurring character of that.

I mean- But it's based on like that people in taxes, they know they're never gonna see the person again. So they get this extra level of vulnerability where they're like, I don't care, I'll tell that guy about my kid. That's an amazing point is that people, and Gethard does that podcast, Beautiful Anonymous,

Chris Gethard, where people anonymously call up and go into things that they wouldn't go into. Yeah. But it is an interesting point. You're in an Uber, you're never gonna see the person again. Yeah. And they're picking up people all fucking day.

It's kind of like free therapy. I mean, even though she's not- You just- Doesn't seem that healthy of a person. You just kind of unload- Yeah. On whoever's around. And you're probably the most into it all day.

I got into it, because I love Florida, and I appreciate a story that takes a little bit of a turn. I didn't know where the story was going. I didn't know, I knew it was fucked when I got out of the car, but when I pulled up, cause I said this guy's a rapist. In the car, I was like, this guy's a rapist.

When I pull up the information, he's a child predator, it's- It's really bad. It's even worse than what I had thought. And I'm not trying to say that any kind of rape is good, but like, the reading the whole thing puts into context everything she had said for the first 20, 25 minutes,

which if you had heard the conversation, it was like two conversations, because the first 25 minutes was about a woman who had to break free of the chains of small town America and go to another place and work hard and save money and get an apartment in Vegas with a guy that she cares about and loves, and she's a good person and she's had a few rough things.

But, you know, towards the end of this, you're like, man, I don't know. I mean, I don't, maybe she was a good mother. It doesn't seem like she was great. And it seems odd to me that her sole focus in life wouldn't be to try to get this kid to a place where he couldn't hurt people anymore.

Right. You know? And maybe, maybe her leaving this all alone and this kind of resolving itself, because I think he'll do time. Maybe this will be, you know, maybe that's the resolution. Right.

Her not investing herself. Maybe that's why she can't go down there and really try to spring him, but she's going down there to visit him and she's on the phone with his lawyer. She's, you know, dude, it's wild when your kid does something like that. Yeah, what do you, she probably,

yeah, I don't know, because she doesn't believe it, but she might secretly believe that he really is a rapist and a bad person. Yeah. So what do you do if you're the mother of a, dude, I mean, of an evil seed? Do you ever think about, you think about having,

you, I mean, how do you deal with an evil seed? You think about having kids. Sure, yeah, a little bit. I mean, the nightmare, you know? Oh, man. Some parents do everything they can. Yeah. And the kids still,

I bet she had a rough road, man. Right. And I bet something happened to that kid and it just, the help that that guy needs is so beyond the scope of what most people can offer. You'd need like, you know, agent, what's your name, agent Starling? You know, what was,

What's agent Starling? I'm not sure. Who was Hannibal Lecter? Who was Jody Foster? Oh, fuck. I don't know her name. But yeah, cause that's what this is. Yeah.

You walk in, you need a criminal psychology. You need somebody who is truly educated and like just. Is this one of those things that's, he's not going to be solved in this lifetime. You know, he's not going to like have a, he's not going to reform, be able to be reformed. I feel like if you're that deeply twisted. Well, she told me, she's like, you know,

I knew a teacher who kind of had some of these problems who now has a normal life. So I was like, oh, you know, a teacher who rates kids. Who did this at I point broke into windows? And, and now he's doing, he has a normal life now. And so she was saying, and I'm like, yeah, it can happen cause I don't know how bad it is.

I'm like, yeah, you know, people have real big problems. Right. You know, and it was just a wild fucking thing. It was one of those experiences why I was like, this is fucking crazy. But like right before I get out of the car, I'm sitting there and she goes, you're a comedian.

I'm like, yeah. I said to her, I said, listen, I said, listen, you're in this Uber all day, right? She goes, yeah. I said, I have a podcast called Tim Dillon is going to hell. And I gave her the sticker, the little Tim Dillon is going to hell sticker. And I said, listen, if you're ever bored,

she goes, I'm bored all the time. I said, I know your son too. But if you're ever, if you're ever bored, give it a listen. And if she's listening right now, I want to say, listen, ain't nobody perfect. Please like, please subscribe. Leave us a positive rating on iTunes.

And if you're interested in the archives, $6 a month, ain't a hell of a lot to money to pay. Folks, timbillacomedy.com for all the dates. If you want to come see me live, I'm going to be at Laugh Boston at the end of the month. I'm Dead Crow Comedy Club in Wilmington, North Carolina, May 3rd and 4th, something like that. At the end of the month, Friday and Saturday, May,

I think it's 17th and 18th in Laugh Boston, or 18th to 19th in Laugh Boston. June, the 20th through the 23rd at Mohegan Sun in Connecticut, the 27th. I'm at Side Splitters in Tampa. We got more dates coming up in the fall. I'm going to be in New Jersey. I'm going to be in Vermont.

I'm going to be all over the place. I'll be in LA full-time starting in June, so I'll hopefully be out here. We are making the announcement, folks. We are going to two times a week. I'm going to have to take more Uber rides to fill the content, but you know daddy will. More Uber rides, more stories, more felonies,

twice a week. Get on board now. Please rate, subscribe, review the podcast. Follow me on Instagram, Tim J. Dillon, D-I-L-L-O-N, on Twitter, same handle. Devin, what's your social media? YouTube.com slash Devin Costa, D-E-V-A-N, C-O-S-T-A, and Instagram, Devin Trill Costa.

And listen to my podcast, Hate That You Love It, with Devin Costa on iTunes. Devin is a fucking amazing comedian. He does videos that are hilarious. Do a deep dive on Devin's YouTube. Get his YouTube channel. Go watch his videos. You'll fall into a rabbit hole watching them.

They're very, very funny. Check him out. Watch him before YouTube deletes all of them. Yeah, you think they're going to delete them? I don't know, they're getting weird. They're muting weird parts of my videos sometimes. Really? But your videos are not. I know. That's why it's getting weird, like I don't know.

Who knows? I will say this, though. Go to those videos. They're very, very funny. Devin helps us with all the videos that we make that are up on my Instagram. And we've got a lot more shit coming. We have a lot more content coming.

We're going to a second time a week on the podcast. We're also going to do more Instagram videos. We're doing more content. We're going to set up something, and this is going to be a little wild, but we're going to set up something where we're going to offer, and this is not going to be immediately. This is going to be down the line.

We're going to really try to create a platform where we can get you content and videos directly to you, things that are funny, things that you guys fucking like. And that is what we're trying to do now. That's where the business is heading. That's the future of everything. We just want to make funny shit that people like. If they won't let us do it on SNL,

or if they won't let us do it on other networks, we're going to fucking find a way to do it. We're going to find a way to get it to you guys. All of that is in the works, and I'm watching other people, guys like Andrew Schultz and people that I respect, who've been able to really get his stuff out there with fucking no help from anybody. So that's the direction we're going in.

So if you like this shit and it makes you laugh, it really helps us to just fucking rate review. I know it's stupid, but get it out there. Tell your friends about it, because that's it. It's you guys basically spreading the word anyway that you can, because the reality of the situation is you're not going to hear this on a network, really, unless things change.

Thank you, folks.