The Tim Dillon Show - 155: 155 - Death By Chocolate

Episode Date: July 7, 2019

Live from the porch in Los Angeles! Tim talks the milkshake wars, his return to Swingers diner, Billie Eilish, and Louie's appearance at Skankfest. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

And now, Tim Dillon is going to hell! Welcome to Tim Dillon's Going to Hell everybody. We are back on the porch. We are doing video for the people that asked if we were... A few people said, are you no longer doing video? No, we are doing video. Devin Costa is with us. Nice to be here again.

Yeah, we are on video now. I know that a few episodes were not on video, and many of you got angry about that. You know, as I often rage at a free product, I often get really angry at the samples that I'm handed at Trader Joe's for not being exactly what I want. This isn't hot, actually. What is this, free?

This isn't hot. I don't like it. I don't get... Why do people need to watch the podcast? Well, I get it, because some people actually put it on a big TV. Wow. Like they'll put it on Instagram story, and then I'm just yelling in your home, which I guess is great.

Yeah. And people love it. People want... People are visual people. Yeah, yeah. You know? Yeah. Like when kids were stupid, when I grew up, instead of just going there slow,

they'd be like, they're visual learners. Right, right. They can't listen to you. Yeah. They have to be shown it with like a play. Yeah. You got to put on a play to get... And then, of course, you know, we realized,

oh, those kids have... Exactly. Undiagnosed problems. Yeah. They have disorders that should have been identified early in life. You know? Yeah. Well, what a fun world we're living in.

If somebody came to you three years ago and said, Gary Busey will be president, and people will be attacking each other in the street with Big Max, they would have been so close to where we are. Like they would have been a little one-dimension off where we are. Yeah. We've got Trump, and we've got milkshakes. Now, people are debating, do the milkshakes have cement in them?

Yeah. Do they have dried cement in them? Like acid burning off. Right. People's faces. Yes. Of course, in this fat country, it's a dessert-themed revolution. You know?

The anti-fascists are chucking brownies at the Nazis. That's how you know a lot of this is bullshit. Yeah. They don't even believe. If they're Nazis, I'm going to get in trouble for this, but if they're Nazis, kill them. Right. You don't think they're Nazis.

Yeah. You're throwing milkshakes. There's never an history. Yeah. Did throwing a milkshake do anything? Right. You don't believe they're Nazis. Yeah.

That's number one. I don't believe anybody truly believes this gay Asian journalist who wrote some articles that people didn't like is a Nazi. All of these people think they're in a movie, but they think this guy, because to treat them like that, to beat the shit out of them in the middle of the street, they have to believe the guy's Adolf Hitler. Yeah.

They have to really believe, or he's going to help the next Adolf Hitler. They fancy themselves as characters in a movie, but what they don't realize is everyone in the movie can't be the villain. The villain can't be every single print. Everyone in Narnia was not the white witch. Right. It wasn't the way that it worked. There's a villain, and people around that villain,

but not every human being you don't like is the symbol of ultimate evil. You know? Yeah. Had you seen anything about this on Twitter? There's a lot of people defending it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did this Andy Nego guy? Yeah.

Andy Nego. Nazi. Nick Mullen was like, I don't know if I can say his last name. Because it is. You're like, what? I know. Yeah, I just saw that he was getting attacked and thrown shit at. All of these people, their first tweet is like,

Andy is a racist, anti-Muslim, blah, blah, blah. And then their second tweet is like, and I have whore violence. I will say that, that I have whore violence. I would never encourage violence, but for my first tweet in this thread, I would like to point out everything wrong with this man who's bleeding on the floor. Let's just let that out right now. Here are my problems with the victim.

Can you imagine any other situation? I know. You know what I mean? Yeah. A rape victim. Well, let me tell you about Tasha. She was a little stupid. She would go home with these boys late at night.

She was no Jackie Kennedy. I'll tell you, now I have whore rape. Do not support rape. Do not like rape. Yes, exactly. You know, but I will tell you this. Tasha, man, would she just get in a fucking car with anybody? That whore had it come in.

If anyone had it coming, it was her. But tweet number two, listen, consent is real, and I have whore, and I disavow any rape. But let me just get four or five things out. Did I feel about Tasha going home? What does this guy do? Who is he? He's a gay Asian guy, and he's like a Nazi.

He's one of these guys that he writes for Kula. I looked into some of the things that he did. Listen, the guy is allowed to be wrong. He's allowed to write things you don't like. I don't understand at what point a switch was flipped in people's head where they were like, I can no longer exist on the same planet with a human being who is wrong. And listen, I haven't read all of his articles.

Supposedly, he made a list of journalists and gave it to Adam Waffen. Adam Waffen is like a neo-Nazi group in Europe. So they were all like, well, this is justified because he's endangering us, blah, blah, blah. I did not look into that. I do not have that. Do not send me information on that.

I don't care. Please, don't send me like a fuck. Not actually, actually. It doesn't matter to me. I don't care. I'm not for people getting attacked and brutalized in the street that you don't like or that you disagree with. This does not.

Where do you think this leads? Do these people think that conservatives eventually don't just bring guns to these rallies? That's the next step, is more violence. Right now, it's not that funny because people are getting hurt, but it's kind of funny because it's milkshake. No, it's still funny. But the next step, which would be Syria, isn't funny.

There's no one tweeting in Syria about the gas attacks and how funny they are. There's no blue checks in Syria being like LOL, like being deeply ironic about watching their kids take some gas to the face from fucking whoever's doing that. Using it as an opportunity to get a job on SNL. They're less humorous, less of a way to combat things in Venezuela right now.

But in America, it doesn't really affect any of us. If it goes beyond this to where it's full-scale real issues, I think the government just comes in and shuts down the party, which I think is what will happen anyway. And my little conspiracy mind goes off and goes, there's probably FBI agents in the alt-right and in Antifa and in any serious anti-government movement in the last 50 years has had FBI people from Cointel Pro,

every single one, has had FBI agents that were stirring the pot that were basically trying to foment this type of chaotic, these type of events. I'm not saying this is what happened here, but what it does is it discredits any of these movements. I mean, the Black Panthers, whatever they are, you bring in a few guys from the feds who are like, it's not enough, we got to do more.

We got to go 100, you know? And then you start losing the country. People are like, well, wait a minute, this seems a bit odd. But I mean, it's bananas discussing this with people because you're like, okay, riddle me this. Go attack, and again, not saying to do this, but wouldn't it make more sense to attack ICE? Right, exactly.

They think every one of these journalists, they throw a milkshake at like a kid gets released from a cave. These are also the people that supposedly care about the poor and these kids in the camps bring the milkshakes to the kids. I bet the kids would like a milkshake. If I was in a, I'm not even in a cage, and I would like a milkshake.

I can't imagine if I was in a cage, which I'm against, don't start with me, and somebody handed me a milkshake through the bars, I would be pretty happy that you didn't waste a milkshake on some fucking guy that wrote an article you didn't fucking like. You're throwing away perfectly good food you could give to the poor of Portland, or some white people in a failed band or whoever

who's ever really struggling over their importance. But so these again are like all these, you start to realize that some people just want some type of civil war. They have meaningless lives, and they fetishize violence because it's not real violence. It's kind of this violence that is controlled to a degree

because it's, again, it's not like all out open total war. It's like, here's a journalist that we can pummel. Or here's some Proud Boys that we get in a scuffle or whatever. And these people, I think, they think they're part of this revolutionary struggle. But they're really not because nobody cares. They're taking an Uber to the revolution. Yeah, of course.

They're taking an Uber to the revolution. But it's just, it's peak insanity. Today on Twitter, people are like, you see a guy making milkshakes. And people go, what's on the bucket? That's a warning on the bucket. What milkshake ingredient has a warning on it that some other guy on Twitter goes,

hey, that's just a warning for the bucket. It says a kid could fall in that bucket. They close up. And he's like, there's no cement in that. They're just making a milkshake. And I'm like, if these people were actually motivated to do good, they could do good. Like if they actually wanted to do something good,

they all show up. They can make a lot of milkshakes. How about making sandwiches and distributing them to people that don't have them? Nobody does that. If you suggest to any of these people that they show up to a homeless shelter or a soup kitchen, they'll look at you like you're out of your mind.

They're like, what are you talking about? I just want to go slap up a journalist to protect everybody from Hitler. You're like, what are you even talking about? What are you even saying? I want to go burn down some new condo development to fight gentrification. Okay, have you ever helped anyone

in your own family or a friend who was hurting? They're like, what? It's hard to take these people seriously. It's very difficult. And by the way, I am concerned that like Trump is a boy that like, when he's in there with Kim Jong-un and they're getting along real well,

that worries me. It doesn't worry his supporters. They think it's great. They think it's phenomenal that Kim Jong-un, a guy who tortured that poor kid Otto Warmbier. Remember that guy? Otto Warmbier was this guy who supposedly

was on some school trip or whatever and he like stole a flag as a joke in North Korea. Oh, right. Yeah, I heard about those. And then all these people on Twitter are like, well, that's white male privilege. You stupid white bet. Like he's being tortured in a labor camp and they're like, well, that's what you got.

You're just going around white-splaining and white male privilege and mansplaining. And it's like, where's your humanity? Now all of those people have rediscovered Otto because now they're all like, why is Trump sitting down with this the guy who murdered Otto Warmbier? It's like, oh, but you didn't care

what was happening. Whatever works. But when I see Trump with that, I'm like, guys, this guy is a guy with authoritarian impulses. He is a kleptocrat. He's got his family in positions of power. I mean, fucking Ivanka and Jared. It's Uday and Kusey Hussein in there.

Running around Mar-a-Lago. She's running around Europe trying to get in like a coffee clutch with like Merkel and Theresa May. She's like, here, but here's what we think. They're like, who's this bitch? Who's this bitch? Okay. So when I see this stuff going crazy in the streets,

I'm like, we could slide very easy into fascism. Real fascism, you know? The boot. People in this country would learn to love the boot. They would love the boot on their neck because if this shit keeps happening, a guy like Trump, Trump, is empowered by all of the stuff

like when these people go and attack a journalist. Because Trump appeals to a few groups of people, but one of them, they're people that want to be kept safe, right? From immigrants, from criminals, from whoever. So when Trump goes, hey, hey, we're going to secure this country, but here's how we're going to do it. We're going to take the boot and step on your face.

There's a lot of people in this country that will sing God bless America while, and they can card everyone off to camp. They don't care. There's people out there that don't care that the kids are in the concentration camp. I was talking to Ben the other night. I'm like, this can't be the best way.

Put them in a marion. Do you know, I was in St. Louis. There's hotel after hotel. No one's staying in them. And the people that are won't notice. Put them there. Right. Put them in St. Louis.

They'll leave. MS-13 will leave St. Louis. Yeah. I mean, there's got to be a better way. It's not a good way. It wasn't good when Obama did it. It's not good. This is a problem.

But people don't seem to understand why a guy like Trump, when he came out, were you like, were you one of these people who were like, oh, he could never win? Or what did you think about him when he came out? Yeah, that he could never win. Right. At the very beginning, yeah.

He was the elitist. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. That's mostly why, you know. And you go out with a Muslim woman. Yes, I do. I do.

I'm dating a Muslim woman. So do that what you will, folks. Bye. Who's got a very white name. I know. She's got the whitest name. Yeah. She's got like a World War II nurse name.

It's the craziest thing. I'm not going to say her name, but it's almost like Doris. Yeah. It doesn't make any sense. It's like, meet my Iranian friend Doris. It's like, what the fuck is this? Yeah. Man, is she fucking assimilating?

Huh? Yeah. Yeah. Meet my Persian friend. What's her name? Marisou. What? But like, I could see very easily us just,

just right going right into fascism. And what's scary about that is that a lot of people in this country don't give a fuck. So I don't, I'm not one of these people that don't. I do think there's major concerns, but I don't think smacking up Andy Nego or Neo or however you say his name is the way to. Yeah. I don't think beating up people that write like, you know,

Buzzfeed articles is going to stop. It should be easy to beat Trump. You just need an adult. You just need an adult that goes, guys, the people that are really supporting Trump are like people that are live streaming from their basement and talking about flat earth. Yeah. And that the moon is a spaceship.

That's a huge contingent of his base and you can't beat them. You've forgotten how to beat them. I mean, it's great. It's like a kid who's taken over the house at nine years old. Yeah. Who's like, the parents don't know what to do. Yeah. What's he going to do?

It's like, I don't know. Cut his wifi. Lock him in the room. It's not a, these aren't great political thinkers. Yeah. There should be a way to beat, but it's not with these random acts of violence that it then make people think, oh, Trump is like the savior. I was thinking about like, I was, I was, I watched that documentary on

Netflix, the, um, the Trump, did you see the Trump documentary and it's all about him in New York city in the seventies, eighties and nineties. Yeah. The American dream. Yeah. It's really great. Yeah. And it, at the end of it, and it leaves off right, like the last line of it is

he's like, they're all laughing. They won't be laughing if I'm president. Yeah. And then it's boom. Yeah. But the last part of it is the apprentice. And you realize how much reality television has deeply affected our entire culture because it was one of the first things that people instinctively knew

was fake, but they didn't care. Like they knew that it wasn't real. Yeah. That it was completely manufactured reality. Yeah. But they enjoyed it. Yeah. And they emotionally invested in it as if it were real.

Right. And it was wild. The original fake news. The original fake news. And then he goes on to. I mean, it was wild walk cause people knew some shows were better at hiding it than others. Like the raw competition shows, I think had more elements of things that were actually

real. Right. Yeah. But even there, there were things happening behind the scenes. But then you got to like these real housewife shows that are all essentially almost scripted. Like these people are put in situations, the outcomes are somewhat predetermined. They want certain things to happen. Right.

And people don't care. They still watch them. Yeah. They still just go, okay. You know. Right. Yeah. Right.

And then when you look at social media, those are the two biggest forces that have changed culture in my lifetime. Like I haven't seen, I'm talking about just changing the way that people act, the way that they relate to each other, the way that they consume like process information, reality TV, social media, he's the monster that combines both of those things and he becomes this unbeatable force. Yeah. Cause he just doesn't play fair.

He's like, perfect. Yeah. Well, it's not only that he doesn't play fair, but it's also like you can't beat him on his turf. Right. You have to move him. You can't fight. Like all these, when I had Gavin on and Gavin had a good conversation, I know people got

mad. People like, you know, the, I believe it was a little long, the fucking beginning. It was a lot. I repeated myself. I thought it was good though. But and then people like, nobody who likes you needs this and I'm like, you don't know who likes, you don't know who's out there. Right.

I have friends that are, were angry that I had the guy on that called me. I had people that were like messaging me. You people don't know, but of course I have some guy, you know, messaging me standing in his backyard in a fucking white hood, being like, I think that opening was a bit long. I didn't need that. Just get into the interview. He's like lighting a cross. Just go into the interview.

I just don't need all this exposition up front. He's just light it, you know, and he's like a spray painting of swastika on a synagogue. Just typing a comment. By the way, I thought it was a little gratuitous. Those first 12 minutes, but people were like, oh, you didn't call and not a lot of people. They were like, oh, you didn't call Gavin on stuff and whatever. And I thought like I expressed my opinion, but like, well, people don't realize about interviews is it's really not your job to say your opinion.

Right. I do that every day or in most like you get an hour of it a week. Yeah. My job is to say what is your opinion? Yeah, like what is your opinion? Yeah. And a lot of people loved Gavin and I thought I thought he made sense. But there were people that were like, oh, you know what?

I felt he was a little discombobulated. I felt some of what he said didn't make as much sense, which find maybe maybe they were predisposed to feeling that maybe not. But by the way, that's what happens when somebody talks. And there are people that feel that way about me. And it's just you let people talk. And then there are they have the ability to potentially advance their fucking cause or to hang themselves or to go somewhere in between.

But like if you keep fighting somebody and they're in this defensive posture and they're just responding to you, they're actually at a sizable advantage. Right. Yeah. Because they never have to explain their ideas. Yeah. They just have to say why you're full of shit. And that's always easier to do.

It's always easier to poke holes than to present some. That's why conspiracies are so great. Right. Because you can go, eh, something wrong with this story. I don't buy that. What do you mean? I don't understand. Plain took off at what?

That cell phone wouldn't work at that fucking whatever. Right. And then you're like, all right. So what do you think happened? And you go, I don't know. And I've been in that situation a million times where I have to tell somebody, I don't know, because it's harder, right? Takes more work.

So yeah, let them drown themselves, basically. Whatever. If he's wrong, he'll sound wrong. It's you don't have to. And that's the thing with Trump, like towards the end of the election, people like, what's your plan for health care? And he's like, we're going to have the best health care system. And they were like, what?

All right. He's like, we're going to have the most spectacular system. And then I remember even some of my like hardcore Trump supporter friends were kind of like, you know, I don't really know about if he knows what he's doing. Yeah. Because they had figured out like that was the that was what they should have done from the beginning. Just be like, by the way, what is your plan?

Right. And his plan was nothing. He's been in office for three years. There's not one brick of that wall built. No, not one. There's more immigrants coming over the border now than ever. That tax bill fucks everybody except the Walton family that owns Walmart. That's the only people that are happy with that tax bill, by the way.

You can't write off. If I got to write off an Uber, they cut my hand off. So who is that for? Who is that for? No health insurance is fucked. Supposedly black unemployment is up, which I'm sure Trump's supporters are all love. They all love that. Remember, that was the best thing about this race.

They pretended to care about black people. Yeah. Like all these Republicans were like, what about blacks? We can't. We can't. We need blacks to do well. We're bringing too many immigrants and the blacks aren't doing well. I'm like, hey, guys, the time to care about this was literally 50 years ago, where you've

literally stood in between black people and any type of justice. You've stood in between them with literal dogs and fire hoses. And now they're like, well, black unemployment, it's like, oh, this is kind of rich. It's kind of rich. That's the whole thing when people are like, oh, Trump's, I don't think Trump's racist. It's like, well, you're then, you're kind of stupid. Like I can't see an argument that a guy like Trump wouldn't be racist. I mean, what is the argument that a guy like Trump, like with all the things that you know

about him, he said, you know, I don't want black people on the casino floor handling my money. Like I don't want them living in the apartment. But like, what exactly do you think? You think Trump was like a big progressive in the 70s and 80s when like racism was just the way it all worked. You think Trump was like a flag burning hippie that was like, no, it's the system, man. We need more affordable housing.

Yeah. No. He wanted the Central Park five to be killed. He wanted them killed. He built gaudy palaces for criminals. I think they even asked them now that like, now that you know they're innocent, would you still say the same thing? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Why not? Why not? Yeah. I mean, the dude built gaudy palaces for a criminal, which is fine. It is what it is. It's crazy.

I was in St. Louis over the weekend and a, what's great about the Midwest, they don't even know how they feel politically. They just know they're done. You know what I mean? Like they know they're kind of done. They're just watching the rest of the country like a television show at this point and just eating frozen custard, smoking a Marlboro red and waiting for sweet Jesus to pick up everybody on that boat and take them up because they know they don't even have strong opinions.

They're just kind of like right after the show. And by the way, I'm in there. St. Louis funny, but at a great time, thanks to all you people who came out. It was a good time. St. Louis itself, a little underwhelming as a city, to be honest, um, you don't know anything about St. Louis. Well, there's not a ton to know ribs. You had some ribs at Papi's smokehouse.

Somebody's like, you shouldn't have gone to Papi's. You should have went. Hey, shut up, shut up. No one gives a shit about your smoked pig and where it's better than where it did. No one cares. You should have went to Papi's isn't the best. Half of this place is boarded up when you're talking about baked beans. No, Papi's isn't the good one.

The good one is there's people giving birth on the street in East St. Louis. The ribs have a bulletproof vest on them. Yeah. Right. Right. Rows and rows of uninhabited condemned buildings. Who gives a shit if I went to the third best rib place? Okay, get some fucking priorities over there.

Oh man, you fucked up. You should have went. So a woman came to the first show on Thursday night and was like, I'm a big fan. I love you. I love Rick Kump. She goes, I'm one of Rick Kump's seven Patreon subscribers. So I'm like, okay, this woman is plugged in. Yeah.

She's plugged in, but she looked, she was pretty and she was like older. I couldn't really tell her age because she was like kind of ethnically ambiguous. Right. And she was 50 years old, two girls, very pretty husband, beautiful home, nice car. Yeah. I'm like, wow, you know, a real person. Well, but then you always, I'm always scared, right? Because they're fans of mine.

Right. So the best thing ever, a girl messaged me on Instagram. No, I'll talk about this other lady because I did have a great time with her. A girl messaged me on Instagram once because listen, my, my boyfriend is going to be in the city. We're going to take him out for his birthday and it would be really great if you could just show up and have dessert with us at the restaurant. I'll pay you a few hundred bucks.

Oh my God. We would make his night. He's a huge fan of the podcast. It was right on the way to the stand. I was doing a spot at like 1030. I was meeting them at like 9, 930. It was literally, I just say no, it would have been dick. Yeah.

Yeah. Everything aligned, the stars aligned for me to go to this thing. Right. So I show up and it's a beautiful, they're a really nice looking couple. They're young, beautiful dinner, beautiful restaurant. I walk in, you see his face, he's like really surprised and kind of shocked. You know? Yeah.

I sit down with him. He goes, hey man, this is crazy wild. Thank you for coming. And then he introduces me, you know, to the girlfriend who I know kind of because she messaged me, but he's like, this is whatever. I forget her name. And then he just sits there and they're both like young professionals, good looking, you know?

Yeah. And then he looks at me and then he goes, okay, now tell her how the Clintons fuck kids. So I was like, dead serious, dead serious, not a joke, wasn't funny, he wasn't trying to be funny. Right. He's like, no, no, tell her how the Clintons fuck kids, tell her. And I'm like, so I'm eating like dessert and I'm like, well, I don't know if it's the Clintons, but there are human trafficking and I'm literally, I'm like people in positions

of power and I'm eating, you know, so you don't know who's showing up. You don't know what version, but you don't know who's coming. You see somebody in a suit and they're good looking. So this lady was really cool though. She drove me around St. Louis. She showed me the rich areas and we drove through the bullshit country club and the, you know, every city is kind of the same. You have the beautiful leafy green areas, the country clubs, the big houses.

She's like one of these guys, you know, invented the patent on the pop-up thing for the Pillsbury cinnamon rolls, like whatever. Fascinating. Great. And they're all millionaires. And they call it in St. Louis, I think they call it the Delmont divide or something like that. And there's one street where you cross over it and then you are in a post apocalyptic

as the great, as Chris Hedges would say, the great Chris Hedges, a sacrifice zone where you don't see anything. It's just boarded up houses. You see people. It doesn't seem like there's a ton of services. You don't really see even a lot of urgent cares. You wonder what happens if somebody gets sick. You don't see a lot of police.

And we're also 20 minutes away from Ferguson. That whole thing. That whole event. Yeah. I get in the Uber from the airport and I said to the Uber driver, I said, where do you live? She said Ferguson. I was like, okay. I just put my headphones in.

I'm like, well, let's just have a quiet ride. Yeah. Let's, you know, because quite frankly, I just don't need to get into this, you know. He was like, that whole thing never happened, you know, and I was like, well, okay, I don't even know what that means. And I'm sure it didn't happen the way that everyone thought it happened because nobody was there. Right.

The median flames, whatever. But I would feel a lot better if I could just listen to Lizzo and stare at the window and, you know, enjoy the scenery, which by the way, that Lizzo performance on the BET music awards was so fucking good. Oh yeah. It's not a clip of it. She's killer. Yeah.

And first of all, what is, who is Billie Eilish? I have no clue. This girl is clearly an MK ultra victim. She, every video she's like bleeding out of her eyes. They're all like rituals and I'm not even that guy. Yeah. Like I'm not even that guy that's like, look at the symbolism. Why is Taylor Swift, you know, right, you know, in a fire?

What does that mean? Why is Katy Perry in hell in this video? But like you look at the Billie Eilish video and it's like these weird rape fantasies come to life. She's bleeding out of every orifice of orifice like this blue black blood. What the fuck is going on? Like I don't want to see him unhap. I don't want to see him uncool because I want to be, you know, woman forward, Satan forward.

But what the fuck's going on? What is happening? I don't know. Because the girl has the energy of somebody that Harvey Weinstein kept in a cage and raped for 10 years. Everyone thinks it's great. Yeah. She's on Ellen.

She doesn't even sing. She just murmurs. She's like, I'm a bad guy. Come rape me. Come rape Billie. And these little kids, these little kids are like thinking it's great. Yeah. I want to be like Billie.

I want to get raped into fame. Come on. Come on. I'm a bad guy. Come and get me. Yeah. Mr. Senator, Mr. Studio Head, come and find me. Put me in the middle of this pentagram and introduce me to the dark lord.

I will be impregnated with Satan. And then they do do do do do. It's like, what is this? Yeah. By the way, that's amazing about black versus white. When you're black, like Lizzo, she's up there. She's a big girl. She's singing, dancing, and playing a fucking flute.

This chick just showed up and went, I love Satan. And they're like, yes, bitch. Millionaire. Yeah. Millionaire. Yeah. Lizzo's been singing for like years and years and years. This one just shows up like she was wandering down a highway with blood all over her.

Like she had just escaped the shed and true detective. And she's, you know, and she's on the view. And you know, I don't want to sound unhipped and uncool because I don't get what's clearly something's wrong. Something's wrong there. Billy's not going to, I don't think Billy's even going to make it to Amy Winehouse. I, like, it's a problem. Something's going on.

Yeah. I don't want to seem, maybe I'm wrong. Have you seen her? I've seen just pictures of her. Yeah. She looks like little Xan, but like a girl. She looks like little Xan, but see little Xan, I get a wholesome vibe. Without face tattoos.

I get a wholesome vibe from little Xan. Like I don't think little Xan could spell Satan. Right. So I think he's kind of like a teddy bear. He's a loveable. Yeah. I think Xan's a simple man. I think Xan just wants a pharmaceutical, a bag of Cheetos, and like a soft chair to

like slink in and like make noises that are kind of words. Right. Where he's like, you're like me and you know, I like be you like, you know, yeah. Like that's what I think. Yeah. I don't get the dark vibe from Xan. I mean, it is, I guess, dark in the sense that he can barely speak or move. Most times I see him, but that's the kids.

That's the kids nowadays. You can't. You don't want to sound like a boomer. Respect these kids. I know. You have to like everything. You have to like everything that children do. Yeah.

Yeah. You have to let children lead the way, even if they're clearly on drugs. You have to respect it. When violently raped by members of the music industry, they should still lead the way. Yeah. What are the kids? What are the kids think about global warming? Come here.

Yeah. Blinky. Blinky. The autistic. Yeah. Rapper. What do you think? Well, you know, I was like in the planet and you have to call yourself an old timer

if you're like 27. You're like, Hey, I don't know about this young generation. I'm 27. In my age, people think I'm in my 30s and I keep telling people I'm fucking 18 and they don't believe me because they're fucking stupid. I just graduated a school, okay? I just graduated fucking high school and it was a fucking dope year and everything was sick and I went to the prom with Billy Eilish and we cut a baby out of some woman's womb

and the problem out. It was a prank. It was a prank, whatever. But like the head of Capitol Records or whatever Capitol Records is now was there and he made us do it and then he took the baby and I don't know, he kept talking about, you know, the one true force that animates all things, darkness, whatever. But the prom was fun and, you know, we listened to Migos, we listened to Cardi B, you know, we had a great time.

Drank Johnny Gosh's blood. Yeah, Johnny Gosh, Devon. Gosh, gosh, not Gosh. Gosh means something's like passe, like it's not cool anymore. Johnny is Gosh disappeared so long ago. He is Gosh. We're so fast, John. Johnny Gosh.

I mean, what'd you feel like when you posted the, uh, when Louie came out and you got some flak, you're right, bad comics, Louie, Louie came out at Skankfest and raped three women. And this is a story that no one has heard. And I, I, Louie, Louie got on stage, there was a woman in the front row. He lunged at her and he bit her neck and everyone laughed. And then he brutally raped, he brutally raped her. And there was cheering and whooping it up and then, then guys were actually throwing their girlfriends at Louie going, RAPER, RAPER.

And they were filming it and the girls were into it at first, but then it was weird. But I just felt that art is very complex and I wasn't prepared for all of the raping that happened. He didn't do any comedy. That was the misnomer. He did not, he did not tell any joke. There's a story going around that he got up at a comedy festival, a whole group of people was happy to see him.

He did 15 to 20 minutes of really funny material and then left and everyone felt safe and happy. That is actually not the correct story. Yeah, no. The correct story is that he, uh, brutally raped multiple women in the audience while doing no comedy whatsoever and was paid $4 million to do that by the white male patriarchy, which is now a LLC. And no, listen, I was in Mohegan's son, Louie was at Skankfest. I was watching that intro, man.

It was fucking cool. And I tweeted, this is the coolest moment of the last year. People don't really know what cool is because I didn't say like, this is the greatest thing for women. You know, not that it's, I think of what, like negative thing, but like people reacted. Like I said, he should run for president. What I said was that it was cool that one of the greatest comics that's ever lived popped up and did a set at an underground completely DIY do it yourself festival and then nobody

gives a shit. Every woman there was happy with it. They were all on their feet applauding. Everybody was excited. The staff at the venue was excited, even though they fucking reversed that position because they're fucking liars. And everybody was cool with it and I tweeted that and then a lot of people got mad at me, which is okay.

Here's the other thing. Yeah. Great. Right. Good. Hey man, I don't, I don't, I'm not one of these people where I'm like, you don't have a right to say that I'm an asshole or an idiot or that I suck or whatever. Say whatever you want.

It doesn't, I don't, I'm unaffected. But just know, just know, and this is the, again, you are very, very bad at this. You're very, very bad. You might be right about some of the things you believe in politically, culturally. I don't know, but here's what I know. You are horrible. You're really, really not good at making people laugh. And part of your anger, part of your rage comes from that.

Now there are other people that are funny that I disagree with. There's a lot of people that are great that I wouldn't see eye to eye with. But there's a lot of people out there that are like garbage and have never met anyone laugh and have never made a fucking dollar doing it. And they are enraged that people have an audience. And it doesn't matter if they're in a writer's room making five grand a week. They're enraged that people show up and laugh at other, because nobody got in this for money. Most of these fuckers had it anyway.

So you think you give these people money, it would shut them up, satiate them. That's not the case. They desperately want people to tell them how great they are. They want people to laugh, but they don't put the work in. They're actually, a lot of them are very lazy. And they're like fundamentalists. The good comedy doesn't fucking come from you being right all the time. Right.

Yeah. You know? They're threatened by like a natural talent. They're threatened by anybody. They're threatened by an unnatural talent. Yeah. They're threatened by a dog who's getting attention in a park. I mean, these people are, I mean, go see these shows that they put on.

In Brooklyn, they've all got costumes on. It should be better. I'm like, this should be better. You all have costumes on. You're like trying. This should be good. Why is it so bad? Why is it like worse than a play that kids in a family put on while everyone gets ready

for dessert? Are you all on drugs? Did nobody practice? Do you lack inspiration? Why is it so bad? Why? I want it to be better. I don't care.

There's people that are very funny. The trans comedian Patty Harrison. Very, very funny. I don't know her. We don't, we don't talk. We don't hang out. I'm not against that. She may be, but let's say we would have a lunch.

I would imagine that we might disagree on a point or two. I don't know. I'm guessing, but she's incredibly funny. That's the reality. But a lot of people are not. But there are people that are funny and I'm like, fuck it, cool. But people say to me like, what's the point? What are we doing with the, no one cares.

It's a fake issue. It's a non-fucking issue. People want to see him. He's going to perform. If people wanted to see you, you could perform. People barely want to see me. I perform. I don't give them a choice.

You lock the doors. I show up. I show up. I'm on the road in these fucking shitty little towns. Not always. Some of them are great. But none of these people, Dan Soder said something once, and I forget, he might have been quoting somebody, but he said, all of these guys have never lost a fight, and now they all want

to be the champion. This is the problem. This is a group of people in comedy who've heard the word yes over and over again, and it's traditionally a business where you're like, no, no, no, rejection. You get a thick skin. You get like tough. You don't care. These people hear yes all the time, so they can't handle when anything goes the other

way. They're lost. I think they want comedy to remain as mediocre as their contributions as well. These are people who think that throwing milkshakes at people is going to bring about the revolution. It's the same mentality of like, you're unserious. You're not a serious person if these are the things you believe. But I don't have a problem. I, like a lot of people are like, oh, Tim Doolin's in LA, he's going to sell out.

Yes. Correct. Correct. I am here. I am here, and I have my asshole gaping wide open for a multinational corporation to mount me and fuck me to lay eggs in me that will give birth to an army that will murder your family. Here's the problem.

No one's doing that. I'm just here with my ass open and nobody's mounting me. Not one. I'm ready. I keep telling them my life for you. What am I, you know, I'll feed Billie Eilish every day in her cage. I'll look after her. I mean, you know, selling out.

You're putting wigs on in a garage and ranting. This is how dumb they are. This is how dumb people are, but let them think. Let them think. That's nice. Yeah. I am putting wigs on in a garage, but that's, that's the future. The future ain't Netflix putting wigs on in a garage.

All these young comedians, like when you go on the road, they all tell you they're gonna move to New York or LA and like, if they had a real comedy nerd there that they were opening for, they could really, you know, me, I don't give a shit. Yeah. And they're all like, I just want to move here. I'm going to get real good and then I'm going to move to New York and make Papi real proud. And I'm like, great. Where's Taco Bell?

They have a Taco Bell here. Good. Good. Do that. Do all of that. I just want to get on to that show. Great. Great.

Where's that custard place? Can we go there? Can we go there please and we'll have quiet on the way? One guy, sweet guy. He's telling me he's like 31. He's like, yeah, I'm going to move soon. I'm like, oh, wait, wait, wait, you're only 31. You're a baby.

That's what we need. Do you know? Yeah. I don't know, man. We're in trouble as a country. The show is good. People like it. We're going to be independent soon.

We're going to set up a Patreon. We're going to still do ads. The ads are going to still be very funny. It's still going to be the best caliber of products, cock spray, CBD, Wix. You know, we bring you suicide prevention online, suicide counseling, things that we feel that this audience could really benefit from. No tax preparation, any of that. We know who you people are.

Okay. Shout out to that lady in St. Louis who took me out. That was really cool. She took me to a really cool place called Olio in St. Louis. Fun little restaurant. Go there. You took me to a great restaurant. What was that called?

Tax. Tax. French restaurant in Echo Park. How good was that? It was great. Love that place. Maybe dumb name, but it is a dumb name, but it sounds like, oh, Ben, some kid messaged me on Instagram that he went to school with, what's his name?

Cactus Jack Daniels. Oh, really? Yeah. Do you want me to tell you? Yeah. So Ben told a story about a guy that he went to school with named Cactus Jack Daniels. Yeah, he told me this before, that guy. He died, right?

Yeah. I mean. Yeah, you have to. Cactus Jack. We'll get you hired tonight. I mean. Cactus Jack. I'm trying to find this guy.

I got to find this guy. He did though. He like, he fucking, and this guy, how did he die again, Ben? Oh, it was an aneurysm. I feel bad. It wasn't even his fault. Jesus. Was he a good kid?

That's sad. Are you still friends with his family? You never knew his family? Oh, so you're just full of shit, huh? He was a good child. Good boy. I can't. Cactus Jack Daniels.

Somebody. Somebody. What, what school did you guys go to? What's it called? What? Jim Ned High School. Jim Ned High School. Name Jim Ned.

Oh. A Native American named Jim Ned. Oh. I love that they, a Native American sold out his tribe and you guys named a high school after him in Tuscola, Texas, because he sold it out for the white man. Great. Great. Can I sell out gays?

I hope the family research council names a building after me. Who was Tim? Why are we going to Tim Dillon's Christian High School? Well, during the Great War, Dillon turned informed on all the people who wouldn't message him back on Grindr and they were slaughtered. So he sold out his community and that's why we named a high school after him. He was a good man. Thank you, Tim.

How long have we done so far, Ben? 51. Yeah. We still got a little time here, folks. There's one more thing I wanted to get into. I think we got into a lot. I don't want to seem like a cunt all the time about people in the service industry. And I know that I have before.

And I think that the major distinction between me and other people out there is that I see people in the service industry as people. So I expect them to behave and to be the best they can be. And if they're not the best they can be, I have to reign them in and let them know that they can be better. Let them know that they have to believe in themselves. And sometimes I have to do that sternly. Sometimes I have to kind of forcefully give them a pep talk because they've lost all faith

in themselves. Sometimes I'll see a waitress who's forgotten a side of Honey Mustard that I had ordered 14 minutes ago. And I've said she has forgotten how great she could be. I got to get her over here and really let her know that she could be a lot better than she's being right now. And sometimes people say, oh, you catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar I've never believed that.

I think you catch a lot of flies if you throw acid at them. And even if you don't catch them they wake the fuck up. I'm not looking to catch the flies. I want the flies to know that there's a problem. But I didn't do anything to them. Here's my thing. What happened? Here's my thing.

I'm going to be honest. And there's a lot of waiters out there and servers that might disagree with me. And listen, again, I am not here. All I'm here to do is to love you. Right. That's what I'm here to do. I love you. The people that don't yell at you don't love you.

The people that because I always tip. I tip you. But sometimes you've got to have a talk because I don't know what's happening, man. Appetizer has a fucking meaning. Appetizer. Look it up, Ben. What does appetizer say? Get the definition up, Ben.

Get the definition of appetizer up because there's confusion. A small dish of food taken before a meal or the main course of the meal. A small dish of food taken before the main course of the meal. The operative word there is before. The appetizer comes out before the entree. Yeah. Okay. I'm starting to think it showed up.

Here's one reason. Why? Because if you go out to eat alone and you don't want two plates on the table at the same time to make you look like you're a fat pig, you want to eat one plate and then get rid of it and then have them bring the next plate so that nobody knows that you even had the first plate. It's gone now. There's no evidence.

You don't just start throwing plates at the table like this is a mess hall and we're all eating quick before we go back out to war. You bring the appetizer first. I don't care what the kitchen's doing. Control the fucking kitchen. Don't fire up the entree until you see me eating the appetizer. Do not put the... I don't care if it's a diner.

It's not my fault you work in a fucking diner. You orthopedic shoe-wearing bitch and this isn't even... This is our old girl at Swingers with a full sleeve of tattoos whose real fucking hip who I gave eight dollars to and I didn't say anything to her. This is a Swingers problem again? I'm back at Swingers. Oh my God. Swingers.

I'm back there now. You keep going back. I'm back there. I'm back there but I'm only sitting outside. I'm kind of only allowed to be outside. I can't eat in the restaurant. Curbside for you. Because of the problems that I've had that we've described on this show, which again

are me expecting the most out of people I love. Those are the problems. Yeah. Those are the problems. That's the issue. The problems are not looking at a segment of humanity and going, oh fuck them, they're roaches. It's looking at people going, you're a human being, deal with me like a person.

Deal with me. What if I was Christ? What if I was Jesus Christ? What if Jesus Christ walked into this fucking restaurant and said, I want to sit at the big booth. No one's fucking here. I know that it's reserved for six people. They're not coming here.

Your food sucks. No one's here. People get tricked into coming to this dumb restaurant or people sit here all coked out licking a grapefruit pretending it's somebody's asshole. This isn't a culinary experience. It's dumb kids and old queens. I know what this fucking place is. Let me sit in the big booth, you cunt.

What if I was Jesus having that moment? Would you, would you shun me and turn me away? Would you, or would you fucking say thank you Christ for a very accurate assessment of this restaurant? God Christ, this was pretty good. You called us out right on the nose, little on the nose Christ. When I said that to them, when I said just coked out people licking a grapefruit like an asshole, somebody should go, ah, God, that's pretty on the nose Christ.

And you sit in that booth, what I'm trying to say is that when I order a quesadilla and then an open-faced turkey sandwich, these are not to be delivered at the same time. They're radically different. They don't compliment each other at all. I'm double-fisting guacamole and gravy in front of people at 9.30 in the morning, sitting on the sidewalk because I'm not allowed in the restaurant. So what I'm saying is that when you write this order in, just communicate with the kitchen a little bit.

Yeah. Okay? Just communicate with the kitchen, you know? I'm not going to do anything. The quesadilla was on the appetizer menu. Yes. That's yeah. Yeah.

I said, thank you. And I said, I said to her, I said, you know, everyone in LA, you know, think they're fucking cool. They all think they're cool. I love that you don't even like the food there. You just go for respect. You just want to get some respect. I want, correct.

The food is like, the food is like bad. It's like, you don't even understand why it's so bad. You're like, why is this quesadilla gross? I can make it in my house. Right. It's like the easiest way. How is it so bad? So I'm there.

I just want, I just go there because I go, I want this to work. I want this to work and I'm sitting outside and, you know, it's all, nobody's in there too. That's the other thing. You know, you couldn't, there's couldn't be, and thank God, because, you know, I'm there and it's not like I belong in a fucking environment with winners. But God is that not the case. You know, these are just old, dilapidated West Hollywood rats, you know.

And they're sitting there. People who might have been the shit in like 94, just old freckled big titted goons. These LA guys whose brains have melted. They're sitting there. These people with their shitty little dogs, dumb tourists. Because it just says Hollywood diner. They think it's, you know. And I just said to her, can you bring the quesadilla first?

And she came to the table and she had two plates in her hand. One of them was a quesadilla and one of them was the open-faced turkey sandwich, which she didn't have mashed potatoes. So she brought a basket of fries. Now we have three plates on the table, two plates and a basket. And I'm there alone. I just got off a four-hour flight and I have two plates of food and a basket of french fries.

And I'm sitting there and everyone's looking at me like, oh, look, a pig has come to feast. Okay. Because this bitch couldn't have been discreet. Throw the fries on the plate. You don't have to bring a basket of fries. So now I'm sitting here and I said to her, I go, I wanted the quesadilla first. And then she goes, oh, what do you, first of all, what the fuck do you mean, oh? It's a fucking appetizer.

Do you not understand the sequence of the way you're supposed to bring these things out here? Should I hit you with a chair? I'm not saying I should, but I'm, I'm asking, I'm asking that. What, what should I do? Now I, because I'm a gentleman, okay. I said, it's fine. It's fine.

I said, it's fine. You sacrifice for her mistake. I, I sacrifice. I said, it's fine. She said, is it? I said, yes. Well, now it, it is. So then I just ate my Thanksgiving dinner of food, guacamole, gravy, french fries.

Yeah. It's a good, good. Alone on the sidewalk outside a restaurant that I'm, I don't know that I'm banned, but I'm not welcome. You know what I mean? Like I'm not. Yeah, yeah. One of those, yeah.

I don't know. Again, I don't know what my next move is with that place. Here's a few things I'm considering. Do I call the health department and maybe let them know some of the things that I've observed? That's an idea. I'm not saying I would do this. I'm, I'm just, I don't know where I'm, I'm just, I, do I do that? Do I call up and order food to be picked up and then no one picks it up?

And I do that once a day for the rest of my life until they change their policy. Like until they're like, we no longer have pickup. Right. You have to give us a credit card number. And then I just keep getting burner credit cards and burner phones. Do I have them cater a white pride event? Do I organize a neo-Nazi event and have them cater it unbeknownst to them? Do I plan another Charlottesville and have them do all of the catering for it?

Is this the way to handle it? And then have them have to get out and disavow. And I, I mean Nazis, full regalia, SS shields, clan robes, eating their food, going, this is kind of good. These vegan banana pancakes are pretty good. Heil Hitler is that the move right? Is that the route? I don't know.

Or do I just keep going back until they figure it out? Did you have a talk with the waitresses like you said, I did it because I don't believe in anything I said. I tipped her $8 on a $35 bill, which is a lot of money. And the reason I tipped her that money was because I felt bad for her. And I said, here's a woman who's working really, really hard and doing a horrible job. And she's probably living in LA. And she's under the impression that one day someone's going to give a shit about her band

or somebody's going to, you know, option her screenplay or she's going to get cast on a reality show. She's going to be the fun loving tattooed girl that everybody dumps loads in. And she gets like 10 grand a night to appear at a club in Atlantic City and stand there in a VIP section while like, you know, mongoloids from the Jersey Shore are like, I know you. I know you. But none of that will probably happen. That's all best case.

Right. What will probably happen is she'll get older and older. The tattoos that once made so much sense on her arms will make less and less sense because she'll be shooting heroin and her veins will be bulging. She'll be shooting heroin because she just started snorting it and eventually it was more cost effective to shoot. She'll be squatting in a friend's house just long enough until her friend gets arrested and the cops drag her out.

She'll have long since lost her job at that diner. She'll be sleeping in an abandoned car and selling her pussy on the street. And I imagine as businessmen dump loads in her and then shoot her up and she sits there waiting to die. She feels that cold black goo running through her veins. She just closes her eyes and she wonders what Wednesday night she's going to meet God. At least she'll know, at least she'll know that years and years ago a fat faggot saw this all happening.

He chose not to tell her and instead he chose to give her eight dollars which he now probably fucking shoves in her ass and keeps her emergency money. But I didn't tell her any of this. I just said thanks a lot. See you soon. TimDillonComedy.com. I am coming to Wise Guys in Salt Lake City, Utah, Friday and Saturday. You might miss that because it's coming out Sunday.

I'm also going to be at Hilarities in Cleveland on July 19th and 20th, American Comedy Co in San Diego, August 1st through the 3rd. I'm coming to Zanies in Nashville in August. I'm coming to fucking the Stardome in Hoover, Alabama, Stand Up Live in Huntsville, Alabama. I'm coming to the Comedy Zone in Charlotte, South Carolina? No, North Carolina. Charleston, Charlotte? I think it's Charlotte.

Anyway, come out. Tickets are on my website, timdilloncomedy.com. I post all the links. You'll see all the links closer to the dates on social media. If you want to get them now, go grab them on the website. I am doing that Southern run. It's going to be a lot of fun. People tell me you're coming back to Chicago, you're coming to Atlanta.

In the fall, we're lining up those gigs now, Chicago, Atlanta, maybe back to Texas. Some other cool shit going on in the fall, and it'll be a lot of fun. I'm at the Comedy Store this week a few times, and the improv, I'll kill Tony tomorrow. Well, yesterday, you'll get this on Tuesday. So, but get some tickets, folks. Like the podcast. Subscribe to us on Apple Podcasts. We're growing.

It's fun. We got a lot of stuff coming down the pike soon. New videos. Patreon's going to come. We're going to go to twice a week. Cool people that are coming on to interview. We're going the whole route here. We are going to be independent very soon.

Love everyone against digital. We'll still be there. When I'm in New York, I'll still be doing all of their shows. Metzger just signed on there. That's going to be fucking great. And I'll be doing all of those shows when I'm back in New York. But we're going independent. We might start live streaming to YouTube.

We're going to do a lot of shit playing around with a lot of different ideas. I love the idea of a morning show once a week. I don't know how we could do that at swingers. But well, I just love the idea of like a coffee morning show where we all have coffee. We live stream in the fucking morning. We're fucking around, man, with a lot of different ideas. So when the Patreon gets here, if you guys can support it, great. If you can't, just tell your friends about the show.

If you like it, tell them to listen to it. Tell them to subscribe to it. That's the most important thing anyway, to be honest. Obviously, support the show if you can. But the most important thing is that it grows. So tell people about it. Devon, where can they find you? YouTube.com slash Devon Costa, D-V-A-N-C-O-S-T-A.

And I have a podcast, Hate That You Love It, with Devon Costa on iTunes. Hate That You Love It is about cock. Devon is a gay, Muslim, comedian. It is. Devon is a gay Muslim. Ben, our producer, is a trans. He's trans, yeah. And that, again, is why I hired him.