The Tim Dillon Show - 158: 158 - Leaving Hell

Episode Date: July 28, 2019

Ray Kump joins Tim this week in New York. Tim rants on people taking their food to go, his insane friends, America crumbling, and the soullessness of LA. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

And now Tim Dillon is going to hell! Welcome to Tim Dillon is going to hell everybody this is Tim Dillon. There will be no video for this episode because I am in New York City. This is the final episode from New York City. We are also changing the name of the show from Tim Dillon is going to hell to the Tim Dillon show. We had a little contest for artists to submit sketches of what they thought. The new show should you know what the the fucking Apple podcast art should be. And very quickly somebody accused me of taking advantage of artists

because I said I would get them free tickets. And I would pay them to like if we use your art. Free tickets to what? To comedy shows. I said listen if send the art in. By the way fully expecting we're using none of it. And guess what we're using none of it. Right.

And I fully expected that saying hey send the art in because here's the thing. With the way art works. A lot of these people like look at all the other things I've done. That doesn't matter. Right. Your portfolio doesn't matter. I can still bomb. If you go to if you watch my special or you see me do something and you go oh that was funny.

I liked him. And then you come see me and I bought. I can still ruin your night. Right. So if I think your other your portfolio was great. It doesn't mean that you're going to do something that I like. Well I mean that is the only way you can go. I mean.

No a sketch. You have to submit a sketch of why. Yeah. Yeah. You got to give me an idea where you're going. Sure. So and then if I was going to use the sketch. Right.

I will compensate you monetarily. Okay. But if they send anything in and you don't use it you'll still give them tickets. No. No. What kind of. What it. No.

Acasio Cortez. No. People are sending stick figures in of me going Epstein did 9 11. Which I liked that one. Right. But no you're not getting free tickets for sending it. If I choose your art. Well here's the thing.

No there is no thing but go on. Well I'm agreeing with you. Yeah. Because you want to start calling your fan base now. Because you know what you want. You are calling them. You know give or take. My point is you want a loyal mercenary fan base.

Yeah. You know you want like a fucking pest army if you will. You want something you can like you know people who will be like in for the 10 year run. I don't want people like you know. Oh you're gonna get me a ticket fuck that. They do it just fucking talk to you. I want the FBI to know who we are. Right.

You know what I mean. What's below. What are the proud boys. Are they terrorists. Are they considered terrorists. I think they knocked them back down. Whatever below that is. Yeah.

Just right below that. Yeah. You want to be on the board going. Who are these guys. We want to be on a corkboard somewhere in Jersey and having some low level FBI to go. Let's keep tabs on that. The YouTube views are growing. No.

But my whole thing was listen. Send in the shit if you like it. We'll give you some money. You give you a few hundred bucks. 500 bucks. Whatever. If we use it. Right.

And then some lunatic guy starts messaging me goes I've been ripped off by many podcasts. Kumi has made thousands of dollars selling my shirts. I'm like, dude, stop giving them shirts. If you've been ripped off by even one podcast is probably your fault. But let alone multiple ones. So I'm like, dude, I'm not going to take the art. This art was for the Apple for the Apple podcast shit for the thumbnail, whatever it is. It was not to put on shirts and sell and never compensate the artist.

But again, of course, we have to. You know, if it's your, if it's your, uh, you know, your brand, your little icon. I mean, that's worth a few, a few bits. Yeah. You get a few bucks. I would, I would absolutely pay for that. But the shirts I'm going to sell will have quotes. Oh, right.

That's the things I've said and more so than like the, uh, you know, uh, whatever. I tried to sell a great compass with us, by the way. I didn't introduce glad to be back. Right. They know who I am. The new people. Yeah. The new people we've gone up.

So a lot of people don't know who you are. Right. Should I say hello? Mr. What's up? You know, you're in your friend. Who's my friend? Mr.

Oh, Rogan. You want to, you want to, you think that's how you're going to get on the show? I don't. What am I going to do in a show? Talk about how he's the fucking. So you don't want to get on the show. I mean, I'll come on. Cause you, you're very hostile for a minute.

You're like, what am I going to do on the show? No, you're acting. You're acting. What am I going to do? I'm acknowledging that you're, you're hanging out with a better class of people. Listen to me. What am I going to go fly to California? Wasting my goddamn time.

Shitting on that fucking show. That's ridiculous. Yeah. If Rogan wants to ask me about how he's to take people's skin and put it on my hands, the fingerprint, the, the morgue, you know, I just had to put their skin on my hand. Like he loved that shit. Wouldn't it be hilarious if somehow you had the most controversial Rogan?

Like it wasn't Alex Jones. Like YouTube throws them off, just gets rid of millions in ad rev because of you. Cause you're describing some crime you committed at the morgue. It wasn't a crime. This was, this was a procedure. Yeah. And I used, look, we were respectful to these bodies.

We didn't fuck these bodies. Most people had sounded like something that Robert Mueller would say. Most people don't know this, but Ray who did the show for two and a half years with me was a photographer at a Long Island morgue. Right. And, and, and then moved into other activities at your job. The scope of your job was enlarged.

Well, look, I mean, look, that, first of all, that was part of my job. Taking the photos. The skin thing on the hand. Cause I had to take fingerprints. That was my job. But yes, sometimes I would clean the bodies, move the bodies on off the x-ray table. One time they let me cut open a rib cage with a bolt cutter.

This is very, this is your first. I would milk the intestines into a cup. Now, why would you milk the intestines? Have you ever milked intestines? No. See? I'm not against it. I'm all for trying new experiences.

I've never, you know, left the country. I didn't go on to an airplane till I was 34. Right. I didn't milk an intestine. It did. It did. It did cut open a rib cage with bolt cutters. Exactly.

Which was not technically what the, in the, you were not hired to do that. Right. No, look, I mean, you know, if you're, if you're LeBron James playing basketball, he's a power forward. He can't get a rebound. That, I don't know if that is a fitting analogy. Maybe not. That is really not the most fitting analogy.

No, I play all positions. Yeah. And no, and I appreciate that. I would love, I would love for you to go on Joe's show and then discuss your career. Sure. At the morgue, which he's ended tragically. Also the mosquito lab.

But yeah. And then they moved to the mosquito lab. Yeah. Yeah. Interesting. When you talk about the dark side of Long Island, which for us is the really only side. I mean, there's other sides to other, you know, you know, the seafood's good.

But the rest of it, you've, you've, as somebody that worked at the morgue, you just saw the MS 13 body machetes, you know, machetes in the bodies, the drunks, the heroin ODS. And the guy fucked the devil with a tree branch in the ass. Right. You know. Dead baby in the freezer in the garbage bag on Christmas Eve. On Christmas Eve. Yeah.

Dead baby in the freezer in a garbage bag on Christmas Eve. He was frozen solid. We couldn't come. We couldn't come open until Christmas. But overnight, but I'm thought out. And you had to cut them open on Christmas. I didn't do that one. It's a real Johnny Cash shop.

They wouldn't let me, you know, do extra stuff. You really had the thaw baby out overnight on Christmas. Yeah. Really? I mean, I wasn't there with one of those fucking, you know, heat lamps. But, you know, yeah, we left them in the, in an area that wasn't refrigerated. And yeah, the next day, I mean, I was working Christmas that year. So I'm going to tell you, so I'm fucking we come in and Christmas day.

We fucking had to cut open a kid. This is Christmas. Wow. Well, you know, this is why me and Ray initially became friends because I found these stories fascinating. You know, the comedy industry did not. No. Networks did not.

Like as my stories, they did not really. They like the bagel guy. They love. Yeah. Well, you know, I've seen you do a lot worse than the bagel guy. But I mean, I thought he was tamed. I thought that bagel guy was pretty tamed. He didn't threaten anyone's life.

Dude, I was, I told the story last week on this show. I was in a Taco Bell, a morbidly obese woman with purple hair was screaming at the cashier going, I'm a vegan. I just ate sour cream. Don't you think that's a fucking problem? I asked if there was no sour cream in this. And I just ate sour cream. She goes, I've been a vegan for almost a year.

And the lady can barely understand English to cashier. And then the kids in the cage somewhere. Yeah. This fat lady with the purple hair looks at me. She goes, they don't care. This restaurant doesn't care. And I said, here's the thing people don't realize about Long Island. Point the camera any in any direction.

You get bagel guy. You'll get more. Well, I've been in situations where like, cause old women will be as abusive as that guy. Yeah. I remember, I don't remember what, you know, 10 years ago, probably I was in a post office, I think in Hicksville and his old woman was berating the fucking guy behind the counter because he didn't have her package. And she was just being, and she's being awful.

So I took it upon myself. So shut up. You get cancer. You get cancer. Like I started screaming. So you have situations where like you have big people out, out doing each other in public spaces. Like, you know, we're trying to one up. Like the bagel guy like should have had a counterpart, you know, I mean the guy beat him up.

So I guess that counts. But usually it doesn't get physical. I wish that had been a fat woman. Yeah. Like a fat female bus driver. Against me? No, against bagel guy. Right.

Just went in there and laid him out. But I was in Long Island today. I went with Schenlinger. I go to his beach club. I go to the beach clubs once a year here to remember the days when I was a king. Right. When I was in overweight, chain smoking, pool lifeguard at a beach club in Long Island. Eating food.

Like people recognize you from your lifeguard days. Not really. No, you got no, because I'm in it. He's a member of a different beach club. Okay. They barely recognized me when I shot my fucking pilot. The Comedy Central probably won't pick up at the same beach club. That was your beach club.

That was my beach club. We shot the pilot. They didn't recognize you. A few people, but the majority of them are gone. You know, people move. The kids get older. I've put on a few pounds. Your skin doesn't look quite the same.

No, I mean, I, you know, sadly, it doesn't look that different. Oh, you had best skin back then? No, but I mean, it wasn't great. Okay. So we're at the beach club and, you know, people that haven't been to a beach club, you pay money to get this little cabana. It's like eight grand for the year. Right.

And you get access to a pool, which is whatever, and a private beach and you can go in the water and whatever. One of the lifeguards jumped down and was like, I'm a fan. And I was like, thanks a lot, man, whatever. And then, uh, so I was really happy. It was a, it was a fun day. We're only there for a few hours. You know, I'm gawking.

It's an 18 year old kid. Scott's like, this is embarrassing. Um, he's like, he's like, you're being very obvious. I was like, well, this is why they work out. Is it not why they work out? Right. Right. So you can't control if you want to be hot.

Right. Here's the thing, folks. Well, we, we're with your hand in your pants. I was in the pool. So here's the thing, folks. Yeah. But you could still have the forearms kind of floating towards your fat gut.

And it's like, yeah, he seems like he might be touching himself. They know. I was adjusting my God. Sure. Getting ready. I was getting ready to go over it. But I didn't.

And here's the thing. I know this may be unpopular in a me too world. Right. But if you lead with hot, if you're fucking hot, and this kid was in his college, whatever. Sure. Sure. Like you can't control.

Yeah. A lot of hot girls will like you. Yeah. They'll be attracted to you. Oh, yeah. Me. No, sure. Sorry.

I also, you know, why, why don't fat women swoon over men like that? I don't know. Yeah. Cause you're like, you, when you say that most gay guys who have a similar demeanor to you. Yeah. Are as open about, you know, not that you're like a, you

know, a predator. I'm not a predator, but I can go undercover and be, pretend to be straight. You could. Yeah. And be like, Hey, let's be bros. Let's hang out. Oh, this sounds menacing.

Well, well, let's be friends. Like, you know, let's start an organic friendship because you're a young man. I'm an older man and I know the, a little bit about the world. Not a lot. I mean, I don't have credit, but I don't have a lot to share, but that's the thing.

It's like this kid gave me kind of a weird look because I was steering at him. It's like, dude, don't you get that's what this is. Did you have sunglasses on where you're being kind of now? No, so you were just with that, like no glasses on nothing. You weren't even playing it cool. You were just gawking at a guy.

Yeah. I mean, no one was staring right at his kidney. Oh, wait, wait. From the back. No. Is it kidney in the back? I thought it was the front right here. Oh, well, then he turned around.

I was looking at his kid, but I mean, I was staring at him. Oh, you said where his dick V would be. He was an attractive gentleman. He was a lifeguard and I was looking at him and I don't do that with women. Can you stop? I don't know. I don't know what you mean and some kind of progressive.

Yeah. I'm trying to white knight my way into a fucking, you know, TV show. I'm saying, well, that's by the way, if you white knight your way into a TV show, I will be nothing but impressed. You know, rape is just a disgusting thing. I have a new show about my psoriasis. Listen, this fall, Tuesdays at 10, I've white knighted myself

into this. It is a safe place. Have you ever caught yourself looking at a lovely lady? Of course, but you like, you treat it like the sun. You don't just like stare at it for fucking like minutes on air. I was getting a little, I was too much looking. Yeah.

Too much looking. Right. And I realized that. Yeah. I realized that. But this is the way it is. So if you're a hot guy out there, you deserve it. All these hot guys think, oh, women get gawked at all the

fucking time. Oh, you can't get gawked at. Yeah. Maybe somebody can grab your deck. That's the thing. Maybe, maybe you're balancing the scales. I am. You're doing more than any of these meet two people.

I like the way you're going. Yeah. I like to turn this maze. Turn around. It's a fair game. I like this turn. Yeah. I think I'm doing my part because I think men need to know

what it feels like to be ogled. Right. By an ogre. Yeah. And they're not. Yeah. Cause I wouldn't be ogling otherwise. Cause all these jokes.

All these jokes that these fucking young kids do. They get on stage like, you know, when gay guys hit on you, it's cool and you're always like, you're always like, like you're always like, no matter what, you're always like, you know, I hope the guy likes me. Like, you know, it's all these, you know, they, it's this, it's this breed of humor. Now we're a good looking guy.

We'll get up on stage and talk about how, how gay guys are very direct, but women are not. And it's a lot of people have this similar type of joke. Gay guys are direct. You don't think that's true, dude? Well, yeah. Maybe sexually direct. Well, that's what I mean.

Okay. Like if you're in a bar and a gay guy wants to fuck you, they'll go up to you and be like, Hey buddy, where's a woman? It's a more of a dance. Yeah. So there's this kind of comedy, but it always assumes usually that the gay guy is a certain type of gay guy or whatever, you know, maybe has a little money in shape guy.

What about me? You got a little peg leg. What about me? You got some, you got some talk with some bean burrito staying on your fucking face. If I go up to you and I'm like, Hey boys, you smell like nachos and halitosis. What is halitosis?

Your breath. You should be breathed. Oh, you know what that is. It's like a habitual bad breath. Yeah. Interesting. I think I know. I'm just saying you're not perfumed.

You're not perfumed homosexual man. Right. Well, I'm not. I'm not a perfect person. You don't smell like fucking dogs. No, I smell good, but I think did. I think people should, I think, uh, well, number one, traditional masculinity is under attack.

Sure. Under attack in this country. I mean, look, which is why a man like yourself or a man like myself is not respected, but the Zac Efron bitches are, uh, you know, these pretty boys. I feel like, uh, in the 1970s, Brian Dennehy was a man that got pussies wet. Right.

Do you understand what I mean? Brian Dennehy is next symbol? I believe to an extent. I mean, you know, in my conception of history, it was because I was around Irish women. Yeah. Okay. They get.

When he started, was he an actor before he was 50? I don't know. Okay. Uh, but. Is he dead now? I don't know. Anyway. Uh, no, look, I feel like I'm actually in my,

in the golden age for Ray Kump. Yes. Cause it's like, I'm not some kind of alpha Italian like. Hold on. I'm going to, I got, I got a non-dairy, Haagen-Dazs chocolate. I just got to put it in the freezer. Keep going.

Okay. Yeah. I'm not one of these guys who's like, you know, a town, I'm not disparaging the Italians, but they're more outgoing with their, uh, you know, their masculinity and their fucking, you know, they put on the fucking brute or whatever, whatever Italian guys wear as cologne and they go out to the

club. I'm not that kind of masculine. I'm just kind of dirty. And they wear the same shirt every day. And I have psoriasis on my leg and people, at least in Brooklyn are so now unused to seeing anyone who kind of, I don't know what you call it. Not, you know, not traditionally mad.

They kind of seem to gravitate towards me. Like, you know, I feel like there's a certain, uh, credence they give me that maybe I don't really, you know, I don't even have to demonstrate my bonafide days. Well, yeah. You're, you're a, you are a harkening of the apocalypse. But if they find it refreshing is my point. And as they should.

Yeah. People that are still trying to like, I've said this many times when, when, when I meet somebody and they are optimistic about the future, I think they're mentally ill. Doesn't make any sense. They're mentally ill. I'm like, I don't know what set of statistics, beliefs.

I mean, I'm lost. And that doesn't mean that you have to be a Debbie Downer. I'm a happy guy. You're a happy guy. I'm enjoying having fun. I'm making synthesizer music now. We're, you're doing electronic music. Yeah.

It's, it's, no one asked for that. And you've put it out right into the world. Right. But to me, some of our cynicism is reflected in, in, in, in the way that we present. Sure. I mean, look, no one is like inviting us into like the fucking, you know, the eight way thing going on in the Hamptons.

You know, no, we have to work our way to sex. You have to earn it. We have to earn it. We have to have a personality. You've got to earn it. If I take my pants down, it's a terry. And it's fucking, you know, there's no dick fee. Right.

I got to fucking, I can fuck. Yeah. I know how to fuck. Right. I got a decent dick. I feel like you've given this beach to a judge. Listen, I'm going to be very honest. I can fuck.

I got a decent dick. I don't got a dick fee. I got a dick. Um, so I'm at, so we leave the beach club. We go to a restaurant. We go to steakhouse. One of my favorite steakhouse is probably my favorite steakhouse on Long Island.

Jimmy Hayes. Oh, that's great. We went there once. Yeah. In Island Park and we go there and everything about Jimmy Hayes is great. It just feels racist, you know, like, and that's what a steakhouse should feel like.

So don't fucking start with me. The pictures. Well, it sounds racist. Only if you listen to the conversations. The pictures are on the wall are all golfers. They got great food. Yeah. And I'm sitting there.

We have a great dinner and Scott's got two little kids there and they're like three or whatever. And they, they're holding them together for most of the meal. And then around dessert, they start to scream and I'm like, let's get out of here. We can't have dessert. Now Scott's of course upset because he wants every free thing he can get.

Right. He wants every course. Yeah. He's like, I don't think they're that bad. I'm like, let's spend a lot of money here to not hear kids screaming. Let's fucking get out of here. We'll get him an Italian ice or whatever. Right.

So then Scott does this, which is like, I, there's three, you know, we get a Chateau Brion for two, which is like a porter house, but it's the filet cup, whatever. There's three little bits of meat left. And I go, the guy goes, you want to take it home? I go, no. Scott's like, you should take it home. I go, no.

He goes, take it home. You know, you know how you like steak and eggs. You can make steak and eggs the next morning. I go, Hey, fuck head. I'm not walking around with three things of me in a bag. It's like little pieces. Get little pieces. I'm like, but so we're in a car and he like doesn't let it go.

Yeah. He's like, I can't believe you didn't take the steak home. And I'm like, dude, and he got mad at me because I said to him, I'm like, dude, you have like a weird poverty mentality where you're like panic that there won't be more steak. Like there's going to be more food. You don't have to, you don't have to hold on to the little morsels you have. Like it's the Oregon trail.

You know what I mean? Yeah. I mean, I don't know if it's a poverty mentality because I know the guy. It's a nice guy. I like the guy. I like him too. A low level grifter thing going on. Well, that's part of it is that I guess, but like to me, my whole thing is

like, I was never a fan of the to go. No. To go. It looks trashy. It looks not only it's like, it's never good. Here's the thing. You're bringing the home to your like, if you got kids are like 13. Yeah.

Nice thing. Well, my parents were bringing something home. It was nice. I still think they looked like trash bags earlier in the evening. Yes. Yeah. And you know what would be nice? How about cooking those kids dinner instead of bringing them home some,

but like to me, the doggy bag concept, it says exactly what it is. You're a dog. No. You're a dog. This is important to us. This was a big night. Yes. I don't want any of this.

Have you ever seen in a restaurant, someone take like literally a tablespoon full of mac and cheese and put it like a coffee cup with a little lid over it? It makes me, I want to go insane. I remember the first, I think one of the first times you took me to rolling skis. Yeah. And it was amazing. You know, it was a great meal. Yeah.

Fantastic. And I looked around and go, you know what's weird is that for a lot of these people, this is just like the diner. Right. And like there's nothing, this is just what they eat like every other day. Right. We should be. What you should aspire to.

Yeah. Not being like, this was a lie. We saved up. We scraped your skin. Yeah. Yeah. We say a whole year. We put away pennies.

Right. We took a jar of change down. We took, we turned in a bunch of cans. And we, and this guy's got money. He's in a house, got a brand new car. Enough. I'm not shitting on poor people. I've been in shitty spots where I ate, I ate a wooden bowl of baked beans and sauerkraut.

Oh, sure. I was living in Manhattan in that fucking tenement and shit. Right. And I will probably again. Me when, when you were pretending to be a victim of Sandy. Yes. I was, I was evicted. The wounds were psychological.

I got 11 huns from FEMA. Nice. And all I lost was a gin blossom CD that I used to fucking do lines off of. But you remember that when I tried to, I tried to claim to be a victim of Sandy. Oh yeah. But you were watching Breaking Bad the whole time. Great. I was living in a five story walk up.

I was living with crazy comedians. Five story walk up. I'm on the fifth floor. I got a door. I got no door. I got a curtain leads into my room. We had bed bugs like twice, three times in a year. There was a rat in the lobby.

The shower was in the kitchen of the building. But I loved it because I was like, I was 25. I was like, do and stand up. I'm like, this is my dream. I love it. I mean, on the roof, smoking cigarettes. It was all cool. And then Sandy happened and like, you know, everybody, I know all of my friends along

Island are like huddled in their driveway with guns. People are trying to rob their houses. I had no power for a week. You had no power for a week. Everybody's fucked. I'm watching Breaking Bad. Yeah. Kind of mad that the frozen yoga place didn't switch the flavors.

I was like, oh, we're not going to, we're not going to rotate. There's nothing new. But my part of New York City Hell's Kitchen 45th between eighth and ninth avenue did not lose any fucking power. But then I found out that FEMA was giving out a little cash. FEMA was giving out cash. That's why it's smart that you never, you know, you never officially changed residences.

Correct. But I tried to sing the song and they're like, listen, we usually give people 35 hunch. We're going to give you 11 hunch. Oh, they, they smelled on you. They smelled a little fraud on May, but they were kind of, it was kind of like Christmas on the island. It was like everyone was like, you know, there was a, I worked.

I, I, I profit off because I remember I was at the morgue and the county was trying to do a scam with FEMA. Here's what happened. This is fascinating. I don't know. I have to say allegedly, I guess, because this is a speculation we did, but basically they set up these different locations, mostly in schools or in town halls, these FEMA, I don't know what you call them.

They would be these, these centers, like these, these truck emergency centers. It was basically just information. You'd have like, you know, official insurance guys from the state would come help you out and tell you how to fucking follow your claims and shit. Now, I, the morgue was part of the health department and they wanted, like they basically, everyone was allowed to go and work this thing. And the health department had like their flyers would like, you know, don't get fucking black mold or whatever.

And there was no cap and we were making like huge overtime. So I would go after work and get like eight hours of fucking, uh, like go there for eight hours. Just basically, I mean, I would hand out flyers if people came by, but no one really came by much. And the other thing, why were they doing it? Cause the fucking county, we believe was trying to like profit cause the state was going to reimburse them, but for more money, this is not this long Island.

They're trying to like do like pay us for like charity or whatever or volunteer work so they can like get reimbursed for more from the state. And then backfire and they lost all their money. What people don't understand is if America is, is, is, is largely not all, but largely a group of incredibly selfish dishonest people. Let's just say that's a lot of us. Okay. And you know, when thing, if that's the case, Long Island is a concentration of that in

a way that's hard to believe unless you've spent any significant amount of time there. Um, when Sandy happened, people automatically thought about how it could be used for their benefit. Okay. Now some people were genuinely hurt and their lives were destroyed, right? But then there were many people, a lot of people who use that for the next seven years as an excuse. Well, look, these people, and you, you're always pointing this out.

Yeah. People live their lives waiting for their parents to die. They're grown people. They have their own house, but their retirement plan is their dead mother. Right. And they have their own house because they took equity out of their mother's house for a down payment. Exactly.

Yeah. No. And so that does something to you. That informs the way you live. It's an entitlement that's become so deeply ingrained in them. It's cultural. Right. Long Island.

It's a cultural entitlement in Long Island where people feel entitled to a house. Right. That doesn't exist any, you go anywhere. These fuckers feel entitled to a house. And by the way, these aren't like the, like, this isn't like the Kennedys where it's like a level of privilege backed with education and to a degree service or even let, let's say, let's be cynical and say the service is only to dominate others. It's still part of the plan.

Yeah. This is, I feel entitled to a house simply because I was shit out in Mercy Hospital or NASA County Medical Center or LIJ. I, like, I have no education. I have no marketable skills. I'm a medical biller. I work at a, you know, I wear a doctor's outfit, but I'm not a doctor. I'm a fucking receptionist at a massage parlor.

Right. I've worked retail jobs where like the, the assistant, the manager, but you know, like I've been 50 grand a year probably. Yeah. But like taking shit from the boss and boss a millionaire, taking shit from the boss and I'm like, oh, fuck him. Well, my dad dies in like 30 years. I'm going to have a million dollars.

And like he meant it wasn't like, this is like, this is how these people cope with doing nothing. People openly discuss this. Yeah. This isn't a hidden thing that they're waiting for their parents to die. Right. This isn't like swept under the rug. It's right out in front.

Yeah. It's a big thing. When I do jokes about it, people laugh. Yeah. They get it because, you know, people are, some people are more open with it than others. But it's not hidden. Right. It's not hidden.

And I would just, you know, I sit there with Scott. I picked up the tab was expensive. I had no problem with it. We had a great thing. And then it just, he said to me, you've gotten an argument on the way home. So I'm like, dude, it's this mentality, this grimy, you're clinging it. Like there'll be more food. Right.

It's going to be okay. You're not in a situation where you need every, no one is on Long Island. Nobody walking out with leftover from Texas roadhouse needs them. These are not the people that aren't going to fight. There's going to be more mac and cheese next week. Don't worry folks, you know, but I'm leaving New York. I thought I was going to hold on to my apartment. I'm not holding on to my apartment.

Describe what you're looking at. You've been here. Yeah. I've been here before. Look, it looks like you're basically just like 25th hour. And you're going to the penitentiary tomorrow and you're just kind of settling your affairs and like, or like, or, you know, this actually looks like the place where Brooks hung himself in Shawshank.

It does. That kind of place. It's like, I don't know the radiators from the, it's from the before the depression. The doors are like school doors, you know, weird school doors that have like glass in their wood and glass, but it's a type of glass we can't really see in. No. Yeah. They look like you're broken down when he's like a Japanese family lived here during the

war, World War II. And I moved to LA already, but I thought I was just going to keep this apartment because I was going to come back to New York a lot. Then I just made the decision. I'm kind of done. Yeah. You look, you like, you, you, you value maybe to a fault even. Yeah.

A lack of hassle. Right. This place is kind of a lack of, for many reasons, a depressing place. But what happens to me is a lack of hassle becomes hassle. Right. That's a lot of that is part of the game. Like, you know, how many friendships do I have that you've rightly pointed out? Right.

I get something out of it. Yeah. But the, the insanity that comes with it is so far outweighs. And then I realized that this epiphany, I'm like, Oh, I'm not even like a smart player. I just, I'm addicted to insanity. Well, here's the thing. I just kind of like crazy. Because you, like the people you, I don't think you say his name on the air, but like,

you know, your friend from the mortgage place or whatever. Howie. Yeah. Howie. Yeah. Like you, like you look up to these or not look up, you know, right? You value these people. But these, like you actually have your intelligence, you have talent and you're succeeding at something.

Yeah. These people who keep all these balls in the air, it's because they're living in like the day-to-day hustle. And that's all they have. Right. And that's like, that's like, there's certain things to admire there. Why do I like them? Because you have a romantic view of like, you know, like the Kensington Street urchins

and fucking, you know, and like, you know, the Confederacy of Dunces and you've, you, like, you, you, you like low level hustlers. Right. But, you know, like you also weren't hanging around St. Mark's getting stabbed all the time by him. No. I feel like, yeah, you grew up, you want the old New York and you, and you like what they represent because the alternative is disgusting also.

Right. It really is gross. If nothing else, they help clean out some of the, you know, these gentrifying, I mean, I'm gentrifying too, I guess, for the extent, but whatever. The point is. You're not gentrifying. You're de-gentrifying. Anyone who sees you, the prices go down.

That's a good point. I shouldn't feel bad. You did not feel bad. I'm counteractive. Absolutely. I like myself. No, but that, that's the problem. And you, and you're not, they're not these like, you know, these guys aren't written by

Gilbert and Sullivan. There's something about that. They're actually like stupid low level people are boring. The hustle is actually kind of boring in real life. Well, I started to realize that I was talking to a friend of mine recently. I won't say their name. And I was talking to her and I realized I was going, you know what, for, for all of the madness that these people bring into my life, that a lot of it is very funny, a lot

of it is very, it's never boring. It's very funny. But here's the thing and you just kind of hit the nail on the head. It does start to get boring. Right. It actually does start to, because you realize these people never evolve in any way. And a lot of them are just deeply selfish people who are afraid to grow and evolve. So what they do is they have these crazy lives and they have the, and they, and they

populate their lives with crazy characters. But at the end of the day, it's just a fucking excuse to never account for their own behavior. That's what it is. Yeah. That's really what it is. Oh, right. Yeah. No. It's like, I mean, you've seen these are the same people you probably hung out with who are, you know, whose kids were, you know, on Easter Sunday, fucking, you know,

it's a joke I have in my act where I go to a bar on Easter Sunday. And, you know, well, I don't want to get my joke away, but whatever. I mean, it's all over social media. Point is, you know, while the, you know, the mom is in the bar getting drunk. Right. Point is like, it all seems fun in a joke. Right. But like, when you actually know that person, it's just kind of sad.

And also like, yeah, you never, it's like, when are you going to get your act together? That's the feeling of like, how many times can you tell someone? There's something I liked about the freedom, though. I will be on. And I still like about people that resist convention. And there was something about a lot of the people that I knew in that period. And a lot of them were drunks and a lot of them were not. But they're, you know, you look at some of the people that I'm around now in the

entertainment business and like the cognitive dissonance, some of them have. Oh, sure. They're like, they're the good guys, you know, right? They're really, they're the Revolut, they're the resistance. And, you know, and then you look at their lives and you go, oh, you're, you're, you're, you're doing the exact same things as all the people that you hate. Right. Really.

I mean, literally. The moral of the story is there's no one to look up to. There's Robert Mueller. Yeah. For his Vietnam service. I mean, every senator, I don't know if you watch any of this fucking hearing. No, what was that like? Every, I mean, it was just, it's not what he said.

It was good. He was good. I'm, I'm, you know, I can't answer that. I want to elaborate, read the report. Yeah. How'd you bring me here? Right. But also everyone, every fucking congressman was like,

thank you for serving in Vietnam. Would you know he just fucking like, you know, he torched some village and like fucking. Yes. They aren't these the people that were rightly against Vietnam? Right. Aren't these the people that didn't want Vietnam? He actually, I was reading about this. Mr. Mueller, you know, in 20 years, it'll be like, thank you for your service at Guantanamo Bay.

Now tell us about, he was, I was reading the site. He was in the Marine Corps in Vietnam for a year, told his wife, I'm thinking about staying doing this forever. And she's like, what? And then they transferred him to like a desk job. And he like, wait, his quote was, I didn't relish the Marine Corps, absent combat. This guy just liked killing fucking peasants. God, I didn't, I didn't relish the Marine Corps.

Absent my boot on somebody's neck. Nice. I mean, you know, what did you say about the 9-11 thing that was fun? Bring that up. Well, he, look, he took the job of FBI director the week before 9-11. And he retired a few months after the Boston bombing. So his book, his career is nicely bookended. And you know, I got, look, I don't know if the FBI really did anything that wrong

in the ensuing years. I mean, you know, what were they involved with renditions and secret tours? I mean, who knows? I think I would always, my default is, of course they were, of course they were. Right. I mean, like that's the thing. Look, he seems to have done a relatively professional job, but you're losing sight of the fact you ran the FBI for 10 years.

Yeah. He's one of the most corrupt organizations I've ever seen in my life. Well, what we're living in upside down topsy-turvy world where we have Bush torture error, Apologists on MSNBC. And we have, you know, Ann Coulter on, you know, like siding with Info Wars. Now, so it's like, it's really, it nothing means anything. Right. Nobody has any values.

Nobody cares about, you know, what their entire world do was six months ago. You know, it's a constantly churning. The thing with the Mueller investigation to me is we're no longer watching the movie. Like for lack of a better way to like explain things, that movie's over. Yeah. And we're not watching anymore. True. Twitter's watching it.

Right. You know, the blue check marks, they're still heavily invested in it. The idea that you could maybe get Trump on obstruction when the sole central case that you cannot prove that him or his team conspired directly with them. It's not proven. Well, I think here's the thing. And this is usually contentious. He wouldn't answer it.

And he's, I think he's preserved trying to preserve the evidence for after Trump leaves office when they can actually charge him because he's very much seems to be of the opinion that he's going to die in office and then Ivanka will take over. And we're talking maybe 2030. That sounds fun. But seriously, he's fucking because he's, I think there's that whole Justice Department thing where you can't charge a certain president or a certain president. And so he's kind of sticking to that.

So I don't think he's saying that you couldn't get him on obstruction. I think he's just saying I'm not allowed to get him on obstruction. But after we do, but he's not trying to fuck the evidence. I guess this is a big deal if you weren't really. But you're lost. Here's the thing. I believe he did a lot of stuff wrong. Yes.

I believe, I don't know if he concluded on purpose, but the way he, if you didn't think Trump was a criminal, I guess this is good for you. Right. The way he acted after the fact, I mean, clearly on the surface, if it's not some obstruction of justice, it might as well. But it's not becoming of anything to the Republic. That being said, politically speaking, you're lost. And now you just, these Democrats have no sense of how they're appearing to the other side.

It bugs me. Well, it's also the idea that like there are, there are issues to run on. Yeah. There are issues to run on. You have a guy that has not really fulfilled any of his campaign promises. You have a broken healthcare system. Do you think that Kamal Harris should say, I'm going to really fucking build this wall?

Well, I'm not fucking building an even bigger wall. I think if Democrats continue to run on that open borders and that there is, that they're going to provide healthcare for anybody who comes to the country illegally. Right. And that every, that all, that any kind of migration is asylum seeking, which is just, is not the case. And if the standard for asylum seeking is that you're coming from a violent place, that's everywhere in the world.

That's so many places. Sure. That's literally billions of people. To be fair, we like, these places are kind of fucked up in a lot of that every case. That's really a lot of cases because of, you know, I a hundred percent over there fucking, you know, listen, I am with you a hundred percent. Right.

And if somebody would like to tell me how to unwind the military industrial complex, right, I will, I mean, within reason. Sure. I would let, listen, Tulsi has some good ideas. I think maybe I'll support Bernie because he's the only one that's not on a conga line with Jeffrey Epstein. That's nice. Are the rest of them supporting him?

No. I mean, Trump, Clinton, they've all been at Epstein's party. There's something nice about one guy that's not. Do you think it's kind of like when the drug kingpin goes away, his turf is up for grabs, like when with Epstein, like the other elite pedophiles are like vying for his kids? Well, well, his kids are adults now. But no, he's been fucking, he was fucking them this year, even.

Oh, that's true. He's these people. He's about to say his kids have one woman shows that are being positive. I mean, the Epstein kids, I don't know how Epstein goes down. I do think that it has a potential to be a big scandal. I do think you're going to see a lot of boldface names. I do think what'll happen, unfortunately, is you're going to see so many boldface names. People are going to, it's going to have the opposite effect where people are going to be like,

they all can't be doing this. Right. And yes, they can. But I think that is going to make people go, you know what, I'm sure some of them were, some of them weren't like, there's this great thing that the media is doing already where they're focusing on Trump and Clinton, right? Epstein, Trump and Clinton. Which we were on two years ago.

Everybody was on it. Mullen and come to everybody was. And by doing that, people are at home being like, well, it's a wash, Trump, Clinton. And it's like, no, not only is it not a wash, it is nothing to do. Like Bill Maher would talk about that years ago, about something else. He goes like, the Republicans are really good at like, it's a wash where it's like, you know, they do the swiftboat veterans and then they're like, it's a wash. Yeah, whatever.

And it's like, no, it's not a wash. One guy didn't show up for the service. One guy went, served. And a bunch of fake swiftboats. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It wasn't even a real plastic plant.

It's evil, but it's the greatest move ever. It's one of the greatest political stunts of all time. You got swiftboated. The swiftboat veterans for truth. Swiftboat veterans for truth. And people are like, why don't you respect this country? Why don't you, why aren't you hopeful for the future of this country? I mean, guys, the swift, look, think of the name.

The swiftboat veterans for truth. Explain this briefly, right? All right. So basically John Kerry, this is like, this is the, what, the 04 elections after the Iraq war started. Two guys, both in skull and bones. Yeah. George W. Bush started the Iraq war. Everyone's mad at him. And Kerry's going to run.

And the Democrats are all afraid because, you know, no one's got a war record. And they're all going to say, you're soft on defense because 9-11 is still a thing. Right. So Kerry's like, hey, fuck you. I was in Vietnam. That was his whole thing. I served in Vietnam. I was a commander of a swiftboat or whatever.

And, you know, like I fucking served my country. And so you can't, you can't try and punk me out. So they had a problem. Right. But Carl Rove is, you know, a wily guy. So he fucking gets these guys, he starts his organization, we'll get these guys to start the organization called swiftboat veterans for truth. And now I think in actuality, none of them served with Kerry, none of them knew Kerry.

I'm not sure if they were in the military, but their story was that they served with Kerry and his story. He had a story about like saving someone over a swiftboat and like jumping on a grenade or something. I think one of them's on info wars all the time. I forget. And they just fucking, and they just hammered them. They fucking went out there.

None of it was true. Right. They fucking get out of there. We saw him. He ran away. He actually threw a grenade at the soldier. He was there working for Charlie. He was there.

Yeah. So they tar tar the guy and he loses the elect, which I fell for that. Like I was in that mindset of like falling for that when I was younger because liberals are so annoying as people that they, they turn you off on a level where even if they're right, you're reluctant. Well, the whole thing of like George W. B. Bush is a moron. Like he wasn't a bright guy objectively, but like it's just never, it's never, there's never any nuance to it.

There's never any nuance. You really think this guy is a complete imbecile? No. And the idea is that the people that were saying that were never people that, that I looked at it. Like it was always like, oh, okay. Some guy at a deli, some guy is fucking making a sandwich. Whatever.

What a fucking idiot. Well, no, they liked Bush, but it was, it was always some public school teacher. Where it's like, oh, great. Okay. Thank you. What do you do? Hand out folders. But it, it's a time now where, you know, when you look at the F.C. news and we've had a lot of,

first of all, I think it's kind of hilarious. And let, let's, even though I like these guys, I loved it. Like, you know, we've had Russ Baker on the show. We had Nick Bryant on the show. I saw Nick Bryant's name in the news. Yeah. Well, now you break this story. No, no, but this is my point.

Okay. This is my point. Okay. These two guys that we've had on this fucking show act like nothing can ever get to the level of winner. And then this Julie K. Brown at the Miami Herald breaks this thing wide open. Right. Where are these two?

Right. Where are the, you know, now Nick Bryant was on the story a long time ago. That's great. Right. And he probably got discouraged. And now there is this moment in the media and Baker could talk about it. Do you think he had Epstein's black book? Yeah.

And he leaked it to Gawker. Okay. This is before or after this whole thing. Before, years ago. Okay. Baker talked about this once because there's a moment in every story when it's okay. And then all the media, like the dam breaks and the media is allowed to go after it.

And now we're in that moment, you know, and it's just kind of hilarious now that they're like, all these business insiders like, what is this temple on his island? And is this door meant to keep people in it? It's not. It's just painted that way. But like, I love, like it's hilarious. Like we have an ex-president, Bill Clinton being like, I was never on the pedophile island. It reminds me of the whole thing with the, we started getting into this whole child.

Yeah. Again, you know, research again. Yeah. And like, they put the fucking goat head on. Right. And like, you're fucking kids. Isn't that enough? Right.

And these people, like, and like, but people get like wrapped up in the Satanism of it. No, he's fucking kids. Right. The matter if there's a temple on his fucking island, who gives a shit? Oh, is he fucking, is he chanting while he's stuffing his fucking dick into an eight-year-old's ass? I think what it is, is there's an element of it that when you start to include that other stuff, for whatever reason, is so like, it's so, it's such a paradigm shift

that it starts to break down any... Well, they could cope with the Hasker, for instance. Like Dennis Hasker was Speaker of the House, right? Yeah. Or Majority Leader, what was he speaking to? Speaker of the House. And he was a convicted pedophile. I think he might be still in jail.

I'm not sure. Yeah. And like no one did not, but like, but the idea that there's like an underground like, you know, society or like a secret, you know, like a skull and bones of pedophiles, well, it captivates the imagination. The idea that, you know, and this has been said, I forget who's quote this was, that, you know, the ruling class is, you know, it's like, they're into things that are, you know, worse than if the, I think somebody reviewing Nick Bryant's book said, if this stuff is true,

it's that certain members of the ruling class are into stuff that's worse than, you know, Caligula's dream, like really depraved stuff. And I think, you know, when you get into that stuff, whether it's MK Ultra, whether it's mind control, whether it's ritual abuse, when you start to read about that stuff, it's so fucking, it's like opening a door into literal hell. Right. And then you go, oh, none of this can be true. And then you start realizing, oh no, a Lord like enough of it is true.

I like boats. I like nice shrimp. Yeah. But that being said, you look at how hard, I mean, some of them inherit the money, but like rich people, a lot of times like go work their ass off and then do like, devote their lives to this collection of resources. It can't all be for shrimp. Right.

You know, right. There's a reason some of these people are fucking making these. Yeah, one of my favorite things you've ever said was, do you think we're not successful because we're not pedophiles? Right. That was, that was, that was maybe one of the greatest things you've ever said on the show. You were like, you were like, maybe this is why things aren't working out for us. Right.

It's got, look, I wouldn't trade places with the pedophile. Yeah. But it's got to give you a drive. Sure. Do you think they go down here? Does Clinton go down? No. No, I think Epstein.

You know, they're pinning this on a low level senator. You know, somebody, some congressman, and it's going to be like from a state that some irrelevant guy who felt up somebody probably didn't even come is going down. Right. Somebody. The guy holding the camera. Yeah. The guy, he didn't even make it to the island.

Right. He prematurely ejaculated on a, on a, on the boat or on a raft over. He was over like a 17 year old. Like, what are you doing with that? Yeah. He's like the fucking yachts. Yeah. He's going down.

Yeah. I mean, here's the thing. I think, because look, if it is, if it is Trump and fucking Clinton fucking children on an island. Yeah. Then that's really what happened. We're like, look, it's very, it's possible Clinton was just fucking whores on the island or never.

I mean, no. All right. Fair enough. But my point is, but I'm saying if it was, here's, here's, here's a great point. Yeah. Clinton could fuck whores anywhere. Like there is this. Yeah.

But it's, well, no, fair enough. No, there is this idea. Listen, no, fair enough. All right. My point is, if that's what's going on, you only Epstein knows he's going to get fucking whacked. Yeah. I think they can't get there.

So Epstein's in a very secure jail that I actually, we went and stood outside of it because we were going to film a scene outside of it when I was dressed up like that girl and I was grinding on his front door. All right. Then what's the way he spent the rest of his life in the fucking, in the hole because he can't go anywhere. They didn't want that. So he's going to fucking play ball with a certain extent.

He's not going to flip on that kind of shit. Right. Like what? So he can get off and then what? Well, like what's, what's going to happen? I mean, I would be what? Just Lane Maxwell, who's his partner. Now, I don't know what she knows, probably a lot.

Right. She was kind of recruiting these girls. Oh, Lane Bryant. She's Lane Bryant. Yeah. She, I don't think, no, it's not Lane Bryant. Lane Bryant's a fat woman. No, don't they own a Victoria's Secret they own?

No, that's Les Wexter who gave Epstein all his money. And Epstein's hedge funds probably just Lex Weister's money and a slush fund and whatever. I said, it was probably washing dark money. And then you were like, yeah, but they have that kind of money. They don't really need human trafficking money. And I'm like, yeah, but why leave it on the table? Sure. You know what I mean?

You think you're going to say no? It's big money, you know? Sure. I think, and it's so funny. Like Acosta literally has been quoted as saying, I was told Epstein belonged to intelligence. Not to worry about, not to push the product, you know? Who was Acosta again?

He was the secretary of labor. He's the one that cut Epstein that sweetheart thing. But it's so funny how he goes, yeah, he belonged to intelligence. And it's like, when will you people kind of wake up here? When? What? What would do it? So your defense is like, I thought he was fucking these kids or letting people fuck these kids

so we could find out secrets about Cuba. We, I thought he belonged to intelligence. It's like, well, then what? Well, then why isn't that a problem? Right. What's the deal? I mean, look, the CIA is definitely, we've talked about countless hours. Yeah.

But I mean, look, I mean, he probably what? Look, you think that he would have been caught decades ago if it wasn't for like, if you think that people are protecting him because he's flipping information to them? I think technology is, the internet, things like that have made it more difficult. I think victims are now able to find each other. Right. They were able to corroborate. You know, people are empowered now.

In ways that they would not have been years ago. Right. But if he has that, right? Well, we know the CIA and he's an intelligence agency. If you don't hang people out to try. Of course. They hang your people out to try. Of course they will.

But my point is we know they engage in their own sexual blackmail. Yeah. So if they got this guy who is running a network to like some of the most powerful people in the world, yeah, they're going to tap into that and go, hey, we want a piece. We want something. We want to listen. And they're going to keep them in the game. Of course.

So, you know, and what's interesting is that, you know, the FBI, there are good people in some of these organizations. And I mean, good in a relative sense. Good, like they're against fucking kids. They're not really against, you know, throwing people in jail for no reason. Right. You know, I mean, so it's good. Let's use good.

And, you know, let's, you know, the England doesn't support pedophiles. But right. Like butt pyramids. Abu Ghraab. I love the angle that that Abu Ghraab soldiers come out to condemn Epstein. Yeah. This is the point. There is no way to live.

This is no way to run the country. We were doing it for the country. I mean, look, they didn't fucking Seymour Hirsch have a fuck. He was saying that they were fucking kids. Seymour Hirsch said that they have a videotape of children being sodomized or raped by, I don't know, defense contract, members of the military, somebody. And then it's in the streets. At Abu Ghraab, right?

Yeah. At Abu Ghraab and their screams and shrieks and the military was paranoid. These, these tapes were going to get out. And those tapes were, I guess, to get the parents of the kids or something to talk. I mean, have you just, what happened to like drugs? I mean, look, in the 60s they had, what was that? This is when like, I'll be at a lunch and somebody's like, well, you know, America is probably going to fall apart.

I'm like, yeah, you know, you know, I listen, I don't want. I'm not trying to, I'm not saying that I don't want any harm to come to you or your family, but like, man, have, if any of this shit is true, we have the seeds of our destruction. Do you think it is them just being evil and trying? And like, or is it, or some pedophile going, hey, I can talk a fuck this kid. And like, you know what I mean? Like, was that going to work? Yeah.

Trust me, I've done this before. Yeah. Like they just hire some pedophiles. Like, listen, you fucking people are amateurs. Here's what has to be done. There's no other way that anyone's going to talk. Yeah. I think the whole thing was like the fucking,

or the Monarch program where they were trying to like, fuck kids into like, disassociating. Yeah. And it's like, how many times do you have a fucking kid before it comes to an assassin? Yeah. You know what I mean? A lot. I'm a parent of the two men.

It's horrible shit to laugh at folks, but we're, you know, we're living in hell. I've said that before. I don't know what you want. I'm glad I'm out of New York. I'm glad I'm leaving New York. What are your feelings on New York as it is right now? I'm over it.

I'm ready. I'm ready to go. Look, if you got money, which I don't, it's nice. I mean, I would like to go someplace where I can fucking swing an axe, you know, go fishing, shoot some true shotgun in the air for no reason. Yeah. You know, Montana, maybe. When, let me ask you, when do you think you can make that a reality?

Montana, I think, is being co-opted by the rich. So that's not going to be great. They're buying a lot of land in Montana. Well, if I look, if I was willing to like live in a humid place like Louisiana. Are you? When are you going to be done with the Brooklyn thing? I mean, I work in like media stuff. So I mean, if it's not Brooklyn, maybe as low as we saw.

I mean, I don't know. I mean, I am starting to get into more like, you know, color work, which is like, you know, more lucrative. So yeah, maybe I can kind of change my quality of life in a couple of years. But you're tied down. I'm tied down until like a major city. I go to LA. I go to Hollywood.

Maybe I should. But no, my roommates coming in. Congratulate them. Semi-finals. Alan, congratulations. I heard the good news. Is this the quarterfinals? Semi-finals.

Even that's even better. Congratulations. Thousand. If you win, what do you get? A thousand bucks. A thousand bucks. It's all happening. Thousand dollars.

That's, this is, this is, this is. New York is a, New York is a dream factor. Break up in a champagne. But no, look, there's nothing here. I don't know what, like just restaurants. Like what? Here's the thing. You go and you live in like a fucking place with a lake.

You can go in a kayak. I mean, if you live on Long Island, right? You can go kayaking, you go fishing. I mean, there's nice things there. But it's like, you know, who's going to afford that? So they have that in like Michigan, maybe. So we actually go live in Michigan. But like, what kind of job?

I should become a trucker, maybe. I mean, that's job is going to go. Everyone says that's going to go. Yeah. The Andrew Yangs are all about like. Yeah. They're all, they're all saying. But if maybe they showed a photo of you

as one of the truckers who was losing their job, America would go good. Give us the robot. They would be like, you know, put AI in that vehicle. And this guy should get no universal basic income. Run him over with the truck. What kind of money do you need to live in this city where it's not like annoying?

Because it's definitely not what I have. Several hundred thousand dollars. Several hundred, right? Because even if you have like 150, you have a nicer place. No, I mean, you need, listen, you need real money. And you got, listen, really the New York life, not to sound like a rich cunt. Yeah.

It is that finance guy life of, hey, you have your beach house on Long Island. You have your nice apartment in Tribeca or wherever. You know, you fuck what you want. As long as they want it to consent matters. You eat the best shit. You used to have that fucking St. Mark's, that fucking lower east side. None of it. There's none of it.

But that is because the fucking city was going bankrupt. And so it's all decrepit. And so artists can come live here. And that's, you know, once that ended, you know, there's just... I mean, comedy now is embarrassing. It's tell someone you're a comedian. I don't do it. And people who know I'm a comedian, they'll honestly go, great.

Why do you think, look, if they saw me and think, oh, you're a funny guy, fair enough. Right. But it's like, oh, you're a comedian. That's great. It's like every third fucking person you meet in Brooklyn is a goddamn comedian. Yeah. They're all terrible. Yeah.

You're all... And you know what these kids are? These are all fucking theater kids. High school theater kids. Yes. Grown up. And it's just none of them are like even the funny person in their friend group. No, they're all theater kids.

There's a real theater kid energy, which is very supportive. The comedians used to be kind of cutthroat. You had to get good. Yeah. It's a different kind of energy. You know, when I started, people wouldn't talk to you if you bombed at mics. It was kind of, you know, brutal. Right.

Theater kid energy is like, we all love each other and we're the best. And by the way, that's not real theater energy. Right. That's theater kid energy. No, theater kid. Yeah, yeah. The real theater is exactly what comedy was. Cutthroat, you gotta be good, tough, you whatever.

Right. But theater kid energy, like high school theater program in your fucking suburbs, is what we have now. It is an ultra supportive circle jerk. And the industry is just feeding into it. Well, I don't even... Look, people go, oh, it's through PC. It's not that.

It's not even that. It's not even that. It's just a big nothing. It's a glorification of just losers. Yeah. A lot of people you meet in the industry, you're like, you were... You were...

You walked around a high school with no confidence and you shouldn't have any now. That's the problem. I mean, even the people who have some stuff... Like, it was the whole thing with Dina over the weekend. Yeah. Dina has a job. I love Dina's job.

She's great and I support her. And the idea of threatening a comic is insane. Right. But these people, like this guy, look, I'm all cool with people going after this guy who's like his comic. Right. Who fucking went, you know, whatever.

But this guy, like, hosts a game show on Netflix. Right. Like, this is what this has become. Yes. Like, you're not a real comic. He knows. Right. He knows he's not.

Like, you think he cares that the fucking guy has to stand on respect? He's... This is all posts, like, you know, collapse. None of it, yeah. None of it matters. Right. We're walking around in the ruins, you know, and trying to find meaning.

And it's just like, I look at it now. It's like, I love making people laugh. I love doing this on whatever level I can do it for whoever wants to come out and see it. But the culture is disgusting. It's terrible. I mean, like, there's some... Yeah.

On an individual level, there's some good people I've met. Sure. And I don't keep up with too many of them. But, like, as a whole, like, the idea of when we go like one of these, like, some party at a bar for some convenience birthday. And it's just, it's just, it feels gross. You know, you know, I performed at a comedy club. I won't say which one.

One of our major fans, very big fan, she gave me a tour of the city I was in. And she brought you up. She's one of your Patreon subscribers. She's a big fan of you. She thinks Lucy's very smart. And as soon as any was that plugged into our lives, I'm like nervous.

I'm like, what's happening? Right. But she took me to lunch. She drove me around and, you know, it was very funny. She goes, you know, I had never been to that club. And the club, by the way, I'm not making any specific comment about the club because this club is literally every club for the most part,

other than like five of them. She just looked at me after what she goes, it's kind of sad in there. It's kind of sad. Yeah. And, and it's like it, these Midwest clubs and northeast, it's not the region, but a lot of comedy clubs there. They look like they're from the 80s.

A guy will get up who's featuring for you in like a, a, a, a cheap, a blazer. And he'll do like 80s jokes. Then he'll sit down and complain. He'll be like, he's fucking YouTube guys. They're taking everything from me. And it's like, sir, sir, sir. You know, you're the host will be some, you know,

chubby check who's like, I'm thinking of moving to New York. I'm like, oh, good. How old are you? She's like 38. It's like, it's, it's a broken world. I mean, honestly, there's a lot of talent to people out there. Way more talent. I'm not being bitter or anything, but it's just like,

there's like a handful of people who I think are actually even doing this, like even kind of like, you know, relevant or kind of like, like matters, like, like makes any kind of like shaking the webs off of any, like you used to call it in prior and kids. Wow. I mean, they were the exceptional guys. But I mean, yeah, you still have like guys like, you know,

you're, you're great and fucking, what's his name? Doug Stanhope. My bigger problem. My point is everyone's just kind of, I don't know. It's the problem is everything is so viscerally there in front of you in this society now, like it's all fucking like, you know, chaos all the time that it's like. I think the whole thing is we're in this era and we don't

really know. We haven't made that jump yet because the gatekeepers still have a little bit of relevance, even though that's diminishing every day. And by the way, I don't, I'm not, I'm not optimistic per se in a world without the gatekeepers. Like everyone, I'll go out to dinner and somebody's like, well now the people can decide.

I'm like, go God help us. Yeah. God help us. The people, people, people, people act like communes go on forever and definitely it's like jazz was big in the 40s or whatever. Right. Right.

Like, and then like it declined in the 60s. You could see more jazz that you can now the 70s, the 80s, but I bet like now you have a couple places you can see good jazz. Like it's all around. Right. We still have comedy, but the idea that like basically like, so we had the boom in the 80s, right?

Yeah. And it's a trajectory and goes up and down, but the general arc is going to be like, but it's also, listen, I hate to say it. It doesn't necessarily make me happy, but the future is really going to predominantly be digital. Yeah. The future is going to be watching things that excite you

about people and then maybe going out to see them live. But the whole idea of comedians getting festivals and late night sets that that is like that paradigm of funny people. Yeah. That is done. Yeah. That is done. Trump gets out there, says whatever the fuck he wants.

He's the president. The idea that very stilted, scripted, in some cases, predictable, formulaic jokes are going to be the thing. Right. No, that's why podcasts are people are into it. That's why people are into like, I just, but to me it's like, there's a real desperation and clinginess and it's always unattractive to be somebody who's clinging to the past,

especially when that past is like a sad Midwest comedy club, where you get up there with a suit jacket and tell garbage jokes. It's like, you're not doing anything. I think part of the problem is that kind of, I guess all art could fall into this. I think comedy is the kind of thing when people, like especially there's podcasts and stuff, people listen to it and like some people just enjoy it.

And we've always talked about that. Yeah. Like just enjoy something. Like that's the perfect way to be. But like so many people go, I want to do this now. And it's just self-fulfilling cycle of like, it's just everyone, this whole society, everyone wants it to be them. Yeah.

They want to be the person. Yeah. And like no one, so everyone's just doing it's kind of like, you know, look, some people are born for this. Some people are born to be fucking great at this. And like, but a lot of people just aren't, they're just way laying like, you know, some better development in their life. I mean, listen, I'll tell you this, if you want to be in comedy,

stay away from people that support you without a reason. Right. If you are, and this is probably goes for anything, but if you're getting a lot of support for no damn reason, you need to look at who those people are. And, and, you know, What's the thing you always said? Yeah.

Unfunny people stick together like the mafia. Unfunny people stick together like the mafia used to, you know, the mafia no longer does those guys rat to get out of jail. They all go, they go on YouTube. They start doing podcasts. I've been watching on YouTube, on that comedy. So I'm watching a lot of prison talk. Yeah.

These guys fresh out of prison, Big Herk shout out. And there's one video about how he has fat rat on who's a guy. And like, I don't, he wasn't a rat though. So I don't know why it's his name, but basically that these prisons even are all are turning into all CIs and all like rats. And the guy, he goes as one, he gets transferred to a prison and the guys in the guards like, Hey, look, 80% of my guys are rats. If you fucking start trying to start shit with them,

you know, I ain't going to have it. And it's just, he's like, it's just a new reality. Yeah. It's just everyone's a rat. Everybody's a rat. Well, I mean, there's no benefit to not being a rat. Yeah. We've created a society, like that is a thing.

Cornel West was talking about it on Rogan where it's like, yeah, honor and character. I mean, could anything be for, could anything? Like, I mean, you know, we've created an image society with the image of what people, you know, you put forward an image that may or may not be true. Right. And that's my thing.

That's why I'm kind of, I'm glad to get out of the culture of comedy. How long have we done? 107. Okay. We're wrapping it up. But the, I'm glad, something about LA. I like, there's a culture there that I gravitate to more. People seem to be individuals, even though they see a lot of support.

Yeah. People support each other. There seems to be, it's lonelier there. Right. It's different there. And you feel like you'll still be a chill around if you have to. Well, I don't know about that. See, that's the thing.

You would never have to, there's that, there's that romanticized idea of like, oh, if you were cutthroat, you could, it's not even that. Good point. It's really not even that. Right. What it is, is it's the final leg of the trip and you'll walk it alone. You'll walk the final plank alone out there.

Yeah. And if it's ends, it, like a lot of these fuckers in New York, everything's together. And if they walk in a club with nine other people, you know, so is it most of the people who started in New York or Chicago or something? Yeah. I know. Some people started there.

I mean, yeah. Right. But is it definitely mostly like the opposite? I think there's a lot of transplants, but I don't know. Okay. But it seems to be, and I wasn't shitting on the midway. You know, it's, listen, every comedy club, older comedy club has the same aesthetic.

Yeah. And it just feels, you know, a little past its prime. And the people that are, you know, it's like no longer, like when people start bitching about, oh, these YouTube guys, it's like, dude, some of them are more interesting and entertaining. I mean, look, I don't know what to tell you. Who was that thing? The fuck force 10 or whatever.

Team 10. Team 10. I mean, look, I haven't watched their stuff, but I watched guys who like do historical, you know, medieval battle reenactment. Yeah. Well, that's what we're doing right at team 10. They do historical battle reenactments.

It's the same thing. They do civil war reenactments in West Hollywood. You find them niches, my point. Thanks for fucking hurting my fucking point. I'm doing a podcast with him soon. Logan Paul, by the way, I'm excited about that. Yeah. But I don't want to say how and when.

Okay. The point is, Are you going to be the body, the dead body he finds? Listen, I would, I would. And this is the problem. These people in there, you know, need to be that dead body. Yeah. Play your fucking position.

That's a great point. Play your position. Some of these fuckers running out here, they're like, you know, like some guy said to me in a green room recently, he goes, it's not about doing TV anymore. It's about doing the right TV. And I'm like, what, sir, can you stop living in the world of these cliche, like, like, like, sir, we're living in the ruins.

What do you not get? It's over. Bad baby is a millionaire. The president is bad baby. The girl who said, oh, she's a star. Yeah. Donald Trump is the president. Yeah.

Jersey Shore is back for another go. And it's one of the highest-rated show. Are you really sitting here? Looking to try to make sense out of the climate? What's the right TV, Kimmel? I mean, at this point, the right TV is running around with an AR-15 because that's the only way you're going to get press. You think I should move out of LA?

I mean, you would be interesting in LA. I think you should visit. You think, yeah. Do you think I would thrive out there? Of course, if I transform myself, if I didn't transform myself. Here's what you would like about it. Yeah. Here's what you would like about it.

I think there's no like this, this community. Like there's a community at the comedy store. Right. Okay. And there's a community in, but the city of LA is so vast, so large. It's very hard. You really have to be okay not being able to just meet up with people immediately. You have to make plans with people.

I think that you might like that there's no bullshit community. It's just kind of, it is what it is. Yeah. And there are people out. Everybody's trying to do something out there, but it just doesn't lend itself. Like New York. Yeah, I never liked the social. I mean, people, I got along with people, people liked me, but I never liked it.

I never liked the goal. Well, there's a soul assist to LA. That gives New York a little bit of soul. Even that community valid or not, there's a soulful quality to what they're trying to recreate. They're failing. Yeah. They're not creating, you know, but they're trying to approximate something they read about or saw in a documentary.

Right. LA is really not trying to do that. They're not trying to do that. You know, it's just, you know, pedal to the metal. Plus they put french fries in the burritos, right? I mean, they do that in San Diego, but you can get a California burrito in LA. That sounds nice. So yeah.

I mean, listen, when I, when I moved, somebody texted me, welcome to hell. It was like, it's the LA's home. Yeah. It's the desert. It's hot. It's the last leg of the journey. And it's literally, you know, I mean, and it's time to go. It's time to, you know, time to make the last leg of the journey.

And it's like, you know, whatever happens, happens. And, uh, you know, I don't. What were you missed? Well, what are the few things you'll actually miss? And I know, don't say your family. No, I mean, my last episode was called cancel your family. Oh yeah. Of course.

Um, uh, well, like mostly I'm assuming restaurants probably. Rendezo's walked around. I will miss restaurants. I'll miss places like Rendezo's, but I walked around this area a story yesterday. And the amount of diversity and the amount of diverse people in different stages of pain. Walking around, you know, there, that it's raw and you're connected to that. And you're connected to the feeling that you and these people share to an extent this community or this experience.

And, and there's something really interesting about that. And of all the places that I've lived to, but I mean, I've lived in Long Island and a bunch of different places in the city, um, this part of Queens has more of the old New York than really any part of Manhattan and most parts of Brooklyn, unless you really go out to like Brighton Beach or whatever. Yeah. And I will miss that. I mean, I bought a belt for $12 and it was just a nice belt.

Where? Nice leather belt right up the block at some, you know, some guys selling shoes and belts and the shoes are in a bin and there's just somebody, the guy taking over his body and giving it to you. No, it was just a belt. And like that, I'll miss LA to get to that store. That's two blocks from my house here in LA to get to that store. It's a 30 minute Uber or and the belt's 90 bot.

Like there's something about. So let me ask you, because like, you know, like we talked before about like St. Mark's and Ulrich's side, how it used to be. Did like, I always remember, like these are some movies and stuff, Hollywood, like Sunset Bull, like they had like that same kind of grimy vibe and some, is that gone to an LA or that's still there? I mean, I don't know. I think those parts of LA seem like Disney World.

Oh, yeah. Okay. I mean, I don't know to an extent. I mean, there's no more hustlers and like and panting and scammers. LA history is never as vibrant as it was in New York. Right. I mean, even though New York is a very forward thinking place, New York's history is so rich, so textured.

LA history is movie history, which fades. That just fades. Right. But I would think you would think like the street urchins and the predators and the hustlers, you got a lot of people coming in all the time. They'd be part of this Hollywood machine. So they're fucking good marks, you know, keep the machine going. I mean, the hustlers and the street urchins and the truly dishonest, contemptible,

morally bankrupt people are all sitting in offices with suits. Fair point. I mean, yeah. If you're just stabbing people, there's a limit to the damage you can do. Where can people find you? You can find me. My podcast is called Kump. I also have another podcast with Lucy Steiner.

Our love is disgusting. They're both available anywhere on iTunes or whatever the fuck. Anywhere you get your cast. Yeah. Yeah, podcast. Follow me on Twitter and Instagram at Ray Kump. Yeah. That's great.

Very good, folks. I will be, if you care, I will be at American Comedy Company in San Diego, August 1st through the 3rd, August 4th. I'm going down to Charlotte Comedy Zone. Then I'm going to be at Zanies in Nashville, the Stardome in Hoover, Alabama and Stand Up Live in Huntsville, Alabama. I'm a, it's a good run. August 5th through the 4th through the 8th, 4th through the 9th down there.

And then I'll be at Good Nights in North Carolina. I believe August 22nd through the 24th, late August. Come see me with dates in September coming up too. I'll be at the Stress Factory in New Brunswick. I'll be going back to the Comedy Connection Providence, Rhode Island, first time there. I'll be at going, thanks to everyone who came out to Hilarity's Great Club in Cleveland, Ohio.

That was really fun. That one doesn't, it's not as depressing. It's an old opera theater. It's beautiful. But Tim J. Dillon, D-I-L-L-O-N on Instagram and Twitter. The podcast is, you know, we'll be back every week now. We will be on the porch, me, Devin and Ben. This is our final episode from New York.

It's going to be the final episode of Tim Dillon's Going to Hell. The name is going to change to the Tim Dillon Show. What prompted that? Well, I've been to hell. Yeah. Okay. You know, we went. We did it. But ad revenue?

Yeah. Well, no, I mean, I don't think ad revenue cares. I mean, that is the benefit of all of this. Yeah. Trump being president. What are you going to say? I offended you. No, it's just, it's time for new. Sure.

It's time for new. You're keeping this bunch of numbering. Yeah. Yeah, the Tim Dillon Show and it's going to be the same show, same RSS feed, same everything. But I thought this was a fitting one to do. I was like, who am I going to get in? And I'm like, we should have Ray in.

And a lot of people should check you out because you are one of those characters that are being driven out of New York. Sadly. Yeah. I mean, I feel like I'm constantly being kind of poked with sharp sticks. Yeah. It's not a friendly place for someone like me,

but you know, I'm also, I lash out at people. So, you know, I'll be fine. I'll come see you in LA. I'll fucking come out. You've got to come see me in LA. I'll be pushing kind of food cart maybe. Ray is the bagel guy. If the bagel guy had enough awareness to know

that yelling doesn't even help, you know, me and Ray are those people. We're just past the point. We just sit down and eat the bagel. Because we know. Look at this. Look at this fucking laughing at me. It's scowling.

Nothing good is coming. And even for this bagel guy, his life will be worse in six months because people are going to get sick of him real quick. He's going to get a few free drinks. He's going to get some a few. You know, he'll go on Jim and Sam. Right. But in six months, it's not.

I mean, fast forward. He's fucking, you know, he's fucking in a movie. He's got, he's a fucking band leader on Kimmel. He's got maracas. I mean, I don't know. I think Long Island tragedy seems to always. No one has any real sympathy for Long Island. No, and I used to wonder why and man,

has that question been answered? Right. I've pitched a bunch of shows that have centered Long Island and they did not get off the fucking ground. And I've always wondered why. And I got to be honest and we've talked about this. And we'll kind of end the show by saying this. And I've said it before, I'll say it again,

of all the collections of white trash on the planet. Okay. There is no collection of them that has less charm or less redeeming qualities than Long Island. They're not folksy hill people. They're not like duck hunter. Well, what do you call them a duck dynasty? Like, you know, and they're millionaires.

I'm not saying, but they're not those kind of people either that are like living off the fat of the land trackers. No, what are they? I mean, how would you even describe them? Because that's their people who know the best place to get a grandma slice. They're like, that's what they do, you know, which fucking, which blockbuster has the fucking

the better copy of Armageddon? I don't know, they're the consumer. I think of all the things that we've done on this show that we had for two and a half years, one of them that people connected with the most other than the, you know, the conspiracy stuff and all of that, which we'll have, we'll have archives. You can hear some of that.

But what I think we really did was I can still get messages where it's like, you guys have just hit Long Island in the most accurate way. You've just nailed it. We've just really nailed it. Well, because most of the people who judge it aren't a part of the real underbelly. And we were.

Yes. We were like, I mean, that pizza had lunch buffet. Subprime mortgages. We were eating that pizza. We were eating that pizza. Gleefully. I mean, we weren't just going, oh, we were saying it was gross. We were shoving it down on a fat gullet at a pace

that kept up with all the other slobs there. Yeah. And we like, as the, we had a certain perspective that usually, you know, we don't want to, when you hear some fucking guys eating sushi, he's fucking got a nice pocket squares. Yeah. And he's talking shit about some slob.

Yeah. You know, the fucking tri-county. No, no one wants that. You need, you have the inside track because we are these people. We are deep down. We're two people sitting at a bar, whispering in your ear, pointing to everyone else at the bar,

going, these people are pigs. That's really what it is. We're whispering in your ear, going, you see these people? They're fucking pigs. Tim dillacomedy.com. Goodbye.