The Tim Dillon Show - 159: 159 - Bomb Disney World

Episode Date: August 4, 2019

Live from the porch! Tim goes off on people going to Disney World, smoking weed in your mid-thirties, and his parent's divorce. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

And now, Tim Dillon is going to hell! Welcome to Tim Dillon is going to hell everybody. Congrats to Booga who won the Fortnite World Cup. He is my best friend. He is 16. I'm a gamer. Many of you know this. I love gaming and the whole gaming community.

And it is a honor to call Booga. I think that's how you pronounce it, Booga. He is a friend, a confidant. That's what I do. I'm 35 and I watch people play video games on Twitch. That's what I do. That's how I spend my time on this earth. And if you tell me that that's not a good use of my time, if you attack me and say that

my time could be better spent doing other things, I will react like an animal that has been backed into a corner. I will react like a feral possum in a garbage can if you even suggest to me kindly that I should do something else. If you tell me that I should not go to a theme park designed for children, I am going to lash out in a myriad of ways. I am going to lose my mind. I am going to view it as you trying to kill me and my family.

If you just suggest that I potentially find something else to do, then go to a theme park designed for really toddlers in my mid 30s because that's an attack on me because not everybody's parents had the wherewithal financially to bring them to Disney World when they were children. So for those of you who, those of us who missed out on that, it's important that we recapture that experience at 38. We shouldn't just move on and go, you know, everyone is not going to have every experience in life.

Everyone won't, but they should and I think resigning yourself to that idea that maybe you've just missed the fucking window for Disney World is defeatist attitude. I think you got to go out no matter what age because we're all kids inside, right? Won't that be Jeffrey Epstein's defense? We're all kids inside. And if you suggest for a moment to me that I should not try to right every wrong from my childhood. Now of course, folks, I'm doing a character.

I don't, I don't believe what I'm saying. That is, that is part of the comedic effect of what I'm doing. I am, I am playing a character of someone I, I have been to Disney World twice when I was a child, when I was supposed to enjoy it, I did not enjoy it as a child. In fact, and I know that this is really the opposite of what is said, I worry about the children who do enjoy it. I worry about the children who like the torture of other human beings that they're made to walk around in costumes and 102 degree weather.

I worry about those children that don't see through this. At the end of the young age, there was an article written in the New York Post about millennials visiting Disney World because some woman on Facebook, some rant went viral where she was angry that there was a lot of millennials walking around Disney World preventing her and her child from getting a pretzel, you know, or going on the rides or, or whatever. And I don't know her. I'm not necessarily in her camp. What number one, why are you getting a pretzel in Disney World?

Is that why you went? Is that why your fat child went to Disney World? I'm pretty sure you could have satiated him at a rest stop. If that was the big issue, if he just needed a carb, maybe you didn't need to spend all that money to go to the theme park. She was angry that her son, whose blood sugar levels were rapidly dropping in the park, she could not procure a pretzel for her child. So she lashed out at who she felt was the culprit, childless millennials who were in

the park. You know, it's a tough thing here because I have friends that really love Disney World. And that counts as a mark against them when I think of them. Nobody's perfect. I have a lot of marks against me. When people think of me as a friend, there's a lot of things that go in my negative column. What will he bring up? What will he feel is appropriate to discuss at a barbecue?

What rage-filled diatribe will he go into without anyone even inviting that kind of energy? He will just show up and bring it. Now, I understand that, but to me, Disney World, I went twice. I went when I was a child. My parents went, and this is true, to try to save their marriage. This is a fact. My parents, my boomer parents, went to Disney World to try to save what was a failing marriage

and everybody knew that. At that point, they were sleeping in separate rooms. My mother had taken in this girl, Dorothy, who was like my babysitter, and Dorothy came from a real crack family. And my mother said, come to our home, which is also relatively unhappy, but none of us are on crack. Because my mother was actually like a giving person, she was a good person. She helped the girl get into college and everything like that.

And then of course, as soon as a girl got into college and did everything, she laughed, she never spoke to us again, whatever it is what it is. But we all went down to Disney World. And me, my father, my mother, and Dorothy, this kind of broad-shouldered, brutish woman that my mother, not, she was, I'm trying to remember what she looked like. Some people found her a trap, she had a masculine energy, the woman, she did. Women got to watch out when, a lot of women that are swimmers, their shoulders get very aggressive, you know?

And you notice that if you watch the Olympics and you see females that are swimmers, their shoulders are very, you know, and that was Dorothy's deal, pretty, but, you know, built. So my father, my mother, and Dorothy and myself went to Disney World. This is maybe 1993, four, I'm seven or eight years old, we go to Disney World. We stay in the Grand Floridian, which is, I believe, still the top hotel. It's still the top hotel. First of all, I will say this about Disney World. If you're not staying on the property, guys, if you're not even staying on the property,

I mean, what kind of experience, and everywhere in Disney World takes three and a half hours to get to, even if you're staying on the property, you got to take a monorail, a boat, a train, and my mother and father hated each other with passion, okay? So my mother insisted that we all take naps in the middle of the day, which is actually not a bad idea. You go to Disney World in the morning, you go to the character breakfast, which why my mother and father, I swear to God, fought so bitterly at the character breakfast that none of the characters would come near the table.

They were all orbiting around the table. None of them wanted to come near the table because my mother and father were fighting about money. That's why all marriages fail, for the most part, is because you have too little money or you have too much money, and if you have too much money, you go, why am I fucking you? What you need in a marriage is just enough money to keep people doing it, but you need a little bit of fear. You need a little bit of the idea of like, can we afford this divorce?

What happens? What happens on the other side of this? If everyone is too comfortable, one of my friends is a divorce lawyer in Beverly Hills, too much comfort breeds just people going, you know what, I don't know. I don't know anymore. You don't really excite me, but just enough money, just enough keeps people like my parents in a loveless marriage for 20 years and ruins their children's life. So that's what you want.

You want just enough money to keep things going, you know? Divorce is such a big deal, and most people don't realize it. A friend of mine said recently, and he said this, and this is aggressive, and people are going to get angry, but when you are a child of divorce, it really extinguishes the hope that you're really ever going to have a normal, and I don't want to use the word normal, but a conventional life. Like I think the way that he worded it is you're just kind of like, you're fucked, you're damaged.

Now, because everything is so bad now, divorce barely registers as something that damages people because everything's like so bad, kids are in cages, everybody's on heroin, kids are in foster care, they're being farmed out, CPS is stealing kids and selling them to senators. So divorce is like good, that's like the good option, oh, oh, your parents just got divorced. That's like great. That's like phenomenal, but the reality is it's not, it's really not, okay? Mommy and daddy going, you know what, we're not into this anymore, and we're barely into you because that's what a divorce is at the end of the day.

It's them going, we're so not into each other that you are no longer even uniting us. For a few years, you actually were the driver, because that's also why people get divorced because they don't have kids. You need to have a child if you're married, because otherwise what are you doing? It's stupid. Marriage without children is kind of dumb unless you were like trying, if you're running like an empire and your days are full of meetings and whatever it is and going on retreats and whatever it is that keeps you and that person really, but otherwise it's a child

and if it's not a child, you're all, you're heading towards the end. It's just a matter of time. I had a friend recently, not really a friend, I call everyone a friend on the show, I have three friends, but everyone's a friend, no one's a friend to be honest with you. I have, I, you know, everybody's getting canceled. We're going to go through that later in the program. And I want you to start canceling people from your inner circle. I've recently telling you cancel your family.

You should have done that already. Cancel your extended family and your acquaintances. Now I want you to start canceling your close friends that you've known for a very long time and we'll get into why later, but the reality is divorce is a thing. People act like it's not a thing. People tend to think it like doesn't matter, but it's traumatizing, especially if it goes on for a while. Like my parents divorce went on for two years because neither one of them could afford to

get lawyers. So they had a mediator and a mediator just comes to your house and your parents just argue at a dining room table over a collection of beanie babies or whatever the fuck they add. These fucking boomers had nothing. They had a few lamps, aunt Gussie's table. I remember my mother said that she goes, well, who's going to get aunt Gussie's table? And I'm like, hi, I'm 13 and I'm about to embark on a decade of drug use. Could one of you maybe check in perhaps while we're dividing up a table that has a market

value of at best $75? I'm a living organism that you've both have created. So it could potentially maybe you find the time to check in on how I'm doing while you divide up all the winnings of 20 years of having no college education and no financial planning. And believing you could retire by collecting Hess trucks and then putting them in a room. And my father, who I love, who came to my show last night in New York, while my dad being a musician and his most prized possessions were his guitars.

This isn't, they're just boomers. It's not really specific to them. Do you know how many fucking people messaged me after that boomer rant? They were like, fuck man, wow. They're just dealing with the tools. Imagine you were on acid in a field listening to Jimi Hendrix and then snap that's over and you got to get a job and Reagan's in office and everybody's like, you got to work now. And you're like, wait, what?

What about the revolution? Now you have kids and you got to pack them a school lunch and you can't just play guitar anymore naked on, you know, and slide down a hill. I get it. It was jarring. But divorce is more of a thing that people tend to, tend to give it credit for. I'm friends with divorce, these kids have to go and testify in a court. Do you know how much this fucks up children having to testify and get cross examined and

then bringing in experts and stuff like that? I mean, I am not a religious person by nature. I am not somebody who's like, I'm not into cults really other than comedy, which certainly is a religion and it makes the least sense of all of them. And I'm including even the forms of Christianity where they baptize you with like 40 and you, you know, take a little bus. I look, by the way, is there any better movie? Robert Duvall is the apostle.

What a great film. Go watch the apostle with Robert Duvall. I want to get into fucking evangelical Christianity. After watching that, I want to go to one of those swamp like churches. It's so great. But I'm not a religious person or mosaic. Should I join mosaic, which is the LA church? Everybody's really hot at mosaic.

Everybody's hot and all the actors are members of it and they all, they all go there and they have like rock bands playing and everybody's like got a guitar and it's electric guitar. And they're like, Jesus said to be an influencer. You know, it's, it's, it's, it's what's great about mosaic is it marries are the two things that Jesus really cared about faith and being an influencer. And that's what they're about there. They don't really like gay is too much. They don't say they don't like gays because they're in LA.

So they don't let gays occupy the higher tier positions of the church. Somebody was telling me this, like I gave a fuck. Like some gay person was like talking to me, they're like, you know what the mosaic church, if you're gay, you can't occupy the high. So I'm like, oh, so in the cult that you've willingly joined, you can't ascend to the higher tier of the pretend cult that you attend every week. Well, I am sorry. What a tragedy for you.

I'm very sad. It's really nuts. Like somebody coming up to you talking about, you know, Scientology being like, you know, you know, I really just aren't, I'm not advancing in the way that I feel like I should be. Yeah. Don't be in it then. I don't know what to tell you. I don't know why you're in it anyway.

Mosaic. I mean, it's, it's nice looking. There's some really gorgeous people to go. I get it. I get why people want spiritual. I'm not against it, by the way. I'm not against religion. I know it's shit on certain things because it's funny, but everybody needs something

and I totally fucking get it. So if you're out there and you're a religious person, good for you. Okay. But divorce is one of those things that does fuck kids up. Nobody, nobody cares, but it does. I'm not saying, and listen, I'm not, don't obviously don't stay together. If it's the worst marriage in the world, that can also fuck kids up. That's people's argument.

They're like, well, should we stay together if we're just beating each other? It's like, no, the goal would be to not be in the worst marriage in the world to try to not get into that. Now, obviously sometimes that just happens. I get it. So my family went to Disney world and this was really right before things fell apart. Things were being held together. I mean, this was really, when you look back, it's really after things fell apart, but before,

you know, the consequences of that is what it really is. They were at the table at the Grand Floridian character breakfast and I remember it and I remember my father shoving what I imagine was a competently cooked egg in his mouth because it is a nice hotel. And I remember he looked at my mother and he goes, will you shut the fuck up so these things will come over here? He called them things, which by the way, he is right about. He's absolutely right.

Like there was no romanticizing of what this place was, which I kind of now in hindsight appreciate. He wasn't like, so Mickey will come over here. It was like, so this thing, because it ain't Mickey. You don't know who is in that suit. Why has there never been a documentary about the dark side of Disney world? They are so powerful. Disney is so fucking powerful.

Has there ever been a doc? Have you ever seen anything? I mean, maybe I'm wrong. I think Banksy did that thing on it. What did he do? He went in there to the little children one. It's a small world after all. It's a small world.

And he did the, he dressed a guy in a Guantanamo Bay outfit and he hung him from, or like a roller coaster. He like had a hanging Guantanamo Bay prisoner and he did it with that, that Mr. Brainwash. Yeah. Americans don't notice. They think it's great. Gitmo prisoner. This is a good ride.

I thought this ride was for faggots, but it's good. I thought a small world was for faggots. I fought my wife, but I didn't know we were going to see Muslims get hung. This is great. That'll make it the most popular ride in the whole fucking place. They love it. Yeah. Banksy hung this Guantanamo Bay.

Yeah. It was the longest line at the whole park. They're hanging Muslims in there. It's worth the wait. No, but I mean, like, is there a doc? There's no doc. Nobody's done a doc because you can't shoot in there, right? The Florida project, which was a phenomenal movie, which got no Emmys.

It was ignored because it was about poor whites. I hate to say it. That's really what it was. And that's the reality. And we don't, I don't consider those people white, number one, and neither does any white person. Like, no, like, and I don't mean, and I'm not saying what, like, like, when you, when that girl did a great job, whatever her name is, I forget, Brea Vinitay or something, phenomenal.

She was barely an actress. They cast her on Instagram. They gave her some acting lessons and she fucking knocked it out of the park. And that little girl, I think her name was Brooklyn, whatever, whatever. She was great too. But, like, she's living in a hotel in Florida, a motel, that really exists. And the Florida project actually used some of the real people that live in the motel. I mean, hopefully they paid them.

Probably not. Hey, can we just put a camera in front of your horror? Do you mind that? But it was a great thing, but it didn't tackle sexuality. It didn't tackle race. It didn't tackle, you know, it was just a poor white chick who was like, you know how I'd be doing. So it's like, again, this ain't Bush white.

It ain't country club white. This isn't Scandinavian Nordic white eating salmon gravlasts. This is fucking, how you doing? Like, that person doesn't want to be white. It was in the Florida project. But it was a great movie. But at the end of it, they shot in Disney World, but they shot it on a phone secretively. Remember that?

Right, right. Yeah. I remember you showing me some, what was it? The Florida man? Some doc called the Florida. Yeah, Florida. I think it was called, well, that's a great doc about Florida. Yeah.

I just wonder, and I could be wrong, there could be a book about this, somebody can hit me up. There doesn't seem to be any, like, let's pull back the veil on Disney World because there's got to be shit going on. I think one of the heiresses or somebody recent, like one of the family, I could be wrong in this, maybe you looked this up, was kind of alarmed that the people at the park weren't making enough money. She was kind of like, I'm kind of shocked that they're not making money.

I'm pretty sure this was Disney World because you know that there's issues in a place like Disney World. And I mean, there's got to be, yeah, this, this happened, right? Yeah. Yeah. It's loading right now. Yeah. So it's the Harris to Disney.

Disney Harris says she's livid about Disneyland wages and working conditions. Right. Right. She's the granddaughter of Walt Disney Company, Abigail Disney. She's the next person they're going to hang and it's a small world. She'll be the next, she's already a pirate to the Caribbean. She's already been thrown into the lake. Okay.

Where she was, so what I'm saying is there's got to be a dock to be made, but you probably figure if I make it, I don't work again. Right. And don't fucking deal. I ain't making that shit. I ain't making that. I don't have the money to make it, but if I did have the money to make it, I wouldn't because I think I have a long future with Disney.

But my father and my mother took us to Disney world and I remember it being fine. My mother was like, we got a nap in the middle of the day and then we'll go out at night, which is kind of a good idea. We did the morning that we took a nap because in the middle of the day, it's the hottest and the most crowded. So my mom was actually pretty smart. You know? I mean, so she established the Disney world.

Established that rule, but it's also tough to force a nap. Like everyone's forcing a nap. It's tough, but it is a better system. It's just tough. Just tough it at one PM when everybody else is at the park. We're going back to the room and my mother's like, go to bed, go to sleep. And then she may just go to Epcot. Nobody wants to go to fucking Epcot, but Epcot was not.

I mean, we did go to a nice French restaurant. There are some nice restaurants in Epcot, you know? The second time I returned to Disney world was, I love, there's a movie called Noises Off. Sometimes I got to recommend these things to you people because many of you live in in cultural wastelands. I can see that you message me, sometimes I'll friend you back and I know that there's a movie called Noises Off with Michael Cain, John Ritter, Christopher Walken, Mary Lou

Henner, fucking Carol Burnett. It's about a Broadway play that just falls apart every night and everybody hates each other. And it really gets close to what it is to be in the, be in any type of arts where everyone hates each other and everyone's a delusional psychopath who thinks they're essential. And Michael Cain has a line in this that I absolutely love. He goes, he's talking about how bad the play was and he goes, nothing could prepare us. I think it was Cleveland.

He goes, nothing could prepare us for Cleveland. It was the final horror. And I always remember the second time I went to Disney World was the final horror. I was in a dance troupe because I was an actor. I was a thespian. I was an actor and you had to learn how to dance and sing to be a child actor. I was a tap dancer and I was in a school in Long Island, New York called Legs. They're very creative in Long Island.

Have we mentioned that? Have we touched on the limitless creativity and talent of those people? I think we have. Well, the school was called Legs and I was chosen to be the Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy in the Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy dance number, which is a song, the Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy for Company B. And I was a little fat preteen just starting to go through puberty, just starting to get my newly fat body. As my mother said to me once, she goes, you're a mesomorph.

You collect weight in your stomach. I'm like, well, how about we not eat fast food every night and watch television? Could anyone suggest another course of action? Thank God for Joe Rogan telling people how to be healthy. Thank God. Everything now is about the celebration of being 700 pounds and on nine medications. Thank God that there are some people out there that go, maybe that's not the move. So we go down there as a dance troupe on the Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy.

I don't know what you think when you think you're going to perform at Disney World. You probably imagine that there's going to be some magical, you know, big theater or like it's going to be at night. It's going to be well lit. There's going to be a lot of people that are excited to see you or whatever. They set up a stage by the bathrooms and it was in the middle of the day and it was dog heat, dog heat, Florida humidity, okay? And a lot of people in the dance troupe, because they were from Long Island, were a bit punchy.

Even the ladies, they were a bit punchy, okay? Not all of them, but some of them were, you know, this wasn't exactly the top tier. This wasn't like winning the dance competitions. This was like the leftovers, okay? And so that trip, we stayed at a hotel called The Dolphin and I remember me and a bunch of fat chicks in Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy outfits. These were like tan military outfits and they were hot and we were sweating through them, we were sweating as children, we looked like a regiment of soldiers that the government

would just try out like some, like, you know, mind control drug on, you know, like just the forgotten platoon of soldiers that like no one would even go back for. Like leave them, they're all dead, just say they're dead, you know, we'll tell their parents they're dead, you know? There was no saving Private Ryan for this group, I'll tell you that much. If you took a look at us, we were done. And we would take a boat from the Dolphin to Disney World every day and just chubby kids sweating through tan, weird military uniforms.

And then we would go to this stage by the bathrooms and flail around in the heat and fat tourists would stare at us while they were on the line for the bathroom, while they were choking down a churro and they would just stare at us and we would dance. And then afterwards it was like very little clapping, you know, which is so embarrassing. It was kind of like they were like people like. And then we would do it again like five minutes later that we would keep doing the same, the same number. So we didn't have any other number if we keep doing the same number and they had already

seen it. So now like they would look away. Now they would like, they, now no one even had cell phones so they couldn't even look at their phone. They were just literally staring at other things and like we would be performing at people's backs with. So that was a low point in my life that even Splash Mountain couldn't fix. Splash Mountain was fun.

But I remembered as I was coming down Splash Mountain, I'm like, oh, this is life for most people. It's just drudgery and hell. And you get one moment of weightlessness where water is sprayed in your face and then they hand you a picture and they go, get the fuck out. And that's what happened to us. So if you connect with Disney World like some of my friends do and they're good people, Jared Logan, a friend of mine who's a comedian, made a great point and goes, Disney is the

first culture that you're introduced to as a child, but it shouldn't be the last. You should go and find other things that speak to you as well. Don't be like my friend, Michael, who goes, I don't like movies or TV. And I'm like, why? He's like, I don't like fake shit. He's like sports has all the drama you need. He goes, all the drama you need is in sports. Nothing can compete with sports.

Okay. Nothing, not a novel, nothing. Nothing can compete with a playoff game. That's it. And I'm not knocking sports. I get how engrossing sports is in for fucking great reason, but come on. So those are my experiences personally with Disney World. And I, and I, so I had a couple on my tour bus once because I was a tour guide in New

York City and they got on and they had Disney shirts on. And it's very interesting when you meet people who they don't only enjoy Disney World. It's their brand. It's who they are as people. And when you're older, you should realize that, oh, that's not goofy. That's a person who's dying in a hundred degree weather in a suit with probably a rash that is now bleeding and they're not being paid well. They probably don't have health insurance.

They're about to pass out. That's best case. In this case, they're, they're fucking a pedophile cop and feels all day. You know, there's a few of them in there that are like, look at me. I got it. So by the way, that would be great. How many people have been asked to leave Disney because of those issues? Where's that?

Where's that article? Julie K. Brown, Miami Herald, Jane Mayer, how about you go down there? But these two people on my tour bus, they said, we were going to take a, they go, I said, you like New York? And they go, and by the way, I'm out of New York. I'm full time in LA. I, I'm done with New York, but there's a few things that I require from a friend. One, do you believe that society is on the verge of imminent collapse?

That helps. That helps only because there's, there's less of a learning curve with our friendship. If you're there already, then we can have a little fun. That doesn't mean you don't do good things, go, go do good things. But it just means that you have the awareness to know that like, even though things are good in the square foot, you're standing on earth, down the block, there's massive problems. Okay. That's one of the requirements I have.

Another requirement I have is that you are, what was I just saying? I just lost myself right before the requirement for friends. Oh, right before the requirement? No, because it, I prefer you not to take cruises. I prefer you not to be the type of person who needs to have your life planned for you. And like, like, there's a certain type of person who just does what everyone else does all the time. And I get it when you're single, there's the idea that like, there's, these things are

created for you to maybe meet other people, okay? But if you have someone in your life, the idea that you're still going with the flow, the idea that you're still going on a vacation where people have like planned it for you, you don't have any independent thought, bothers me. But these two people were on my bus and, oh yeah, so here's one of my requirements. You cannot hate New York. I just don't, I mean, you could, you can complain about it. You can say that it is, it dehumanizes people and it is designed to crush people and destroy

people and I would agree with all of that. But you still have to not hate it. Like Theo Vance producer, this guy, Johnny, good looking guy, I was talking to him on Instagram the other day. He's an actor and he goes, he's going to New York and I'm like, hey man, New York's cool. He's like, nah, I hate New York, LA's much better. Now, here's the thing. I like him.

He's a good guy. I don't know him, but I give good looking people all the chances in the world. You know, he's on the show Power. Now the show Power is for people with a 75 IQ. When the one on Star, Star's has never made a show for people that have over a 90 IQ. That's just not what they're going for. They want people that are very confused. So that's what Power is.

Okay. And he was also in the movie Ma. Now Ma is a film that no one talked about. I can only imagine because it was like a level of horrific because it's what is it? Octavia Spencer is a horror movie where Octavia Spencer goes around and stabs people, whatever it is. He's an actor and he's, he's, he's, he's working and I respect the hell out of that. But these LA guys, sometimes they do stuff and it ain't good.

And they get rewarded for it because they're good looking and they're hardworking. And the things they do a lot, not all the time and Johnny's probably a good act. I don't know. But a lot of times these LA guys, they do things that are no good. They're no good. And New York is a place that really at one time provided itself on things being good. And so sometimes people get a little threatened or whatever. But he said to me, he's like, you know, I hate New York.

I just sent him a photo of Oscar. I'm like, dude, maybe he was kidding. I don't know. But I get why people like LA. If you're just a hot person, LA's where it's at for you. If you're a hot person who's maybe not super fond of books, LA's where it's at, you know? But the thing is, you can't hate New York. So these two, this couple on my tour bus, I go, what are you thinking New York?

They go, eh, eh. And they had the Disney shirts on and they go, they go. To be honest, we're a little disappointed. We're going to take a Disney cruise. We've taken three of them. So we decided we were going to go to New York this time. But we don't really, we don't really, we don't really like New York. We actually were just talking about that we should have been on a Disney cruise.

Or they said, or go to Disney World. And I go, well, why do you go to Disney World? They go, well, it's the best place on earth. And I go, well, why? I know that that's kind of their slogan or whatever. But tell me why. Tell me why it is. And they go, it's just great.

They go, it's great. You can have so much fun. They go, it's all there. They go, it's all there. The guy said. And I go, what is there? Can you explain to me what is there? New York, we have some of the best museums, the best restaurants.

We have Central Park. We have five boroughs with history, culture. Got all the shit. We got beaches. We got the Hudson River and our. I mean, I met, you know, you know who did New York, right? Man, fucking in shape Scandinavians, man. They're like, yeah, they're like, we went, we took a train an hour out of the city.

We went kayaking in the Hudson River. I'm like, yeah, yeah. You know who doesn't do that? Americans, they don't do that because they don't fit in the kayak. So they don't do that. They just walk around Times Square and eat food that people hand them and fart. And and everything's too busy and crowded. And they take the tour bus because they don't want to walk.

And they didn't really get into New York. They're like, how do people live up? I have 90,000 acres for $14. I'm like, I understand that. Sorry, you live on the Skinwalker Ranch. OK, with a bunch of grays. It's from my conspiracy heads. You know where I'm at.

You know where I'm at. But OK, yeah, we get it. Yeah, the price per square foot is a bit higher here, sir. That was everyone's favorite thing to do when they visited New York. They were like, what? What's this cost? $5,000. I've got 90 million acres for $4.

I know, sir. I know. I understand that. And I'm sure it's great by the looks of you, sir. I am sure it's great. I'm sure you're making use of all of that space. But so this couple, they started getting angry at me because I kept pressing them like, what is there?

What is there? It's all there. And then they just got angry. They were like, mad. They're like, New York. They're like, too crowded. First of all, Disney World's crowded. But the reality is they were these just big, oath-like children, OK?

They probably didn't have sex. They probably went to their hotel room every night and just like held hands until they and then went into their bathroom one at a time and masturbated because they were probably like children that had never had a sexual awakening. That's what I imagine that they were. There's many people in this comedy industry like that. I look at certain agents and managers and they're like,

and I'm like, oh, you've never you've never had sex with a man or a woman You're just, you know, that's why you're, you know, getting off on roast battle. But so these two, let's call them tards. I when I was a kid, my favorite vacation. Because I was a kid, I was a little faggot. So I wanted to go to rich. I wanted to go to nice places because gay people have taste, not all of them, but some of them.

Now I know you're looking at me and you're like, oh, look at your shirt. That's not like I get it. I'm not a fashionista, but what I'm telling you is I like to go to places that are that are a little bit exclusive. They're they're a little bit roped off. You don't invite the world. OK, like I have friends that are like, I have a friend go. Don't you want to go to the Olympics?

I said, only if we're committing an act of terrorism. That would be the only way I would feel that I would want to go is if we were really focused and we were really, you know. My favorite, I used to look up these places like I would call them. I'd read magazines. This is all kind of pre-internet. I'd call nice hotels in New York and I'd have them send me brochures like the Four Seasons, the Lowell Hotel, where Eric Clapton used to smoke cigars in the lobby. You people know this that are listening in Ohio and everything.

Anyway, I'm not negging Ohio. Relax, calm down. If you're sensitive, get out of here. You're not. But so I like the good life because there's a little faggot. You know that the good life is good, you know, people. You look you look at the world. You're like, these are Cretans, some of these people out there. I like something that's a little different. So I made my dad take me to a place called the Blantyre.

Now, the Blantyre was in Western. It was in, I don't know, somewhere in the hills of Massachusetts. It was like a relay in Chateau is a group that has a bunch of restaurants, a bunch of hotels. They're very nice, like inns, country inns all over the world. But there's a lot in America. And I said to my dad, let's go to the Blantyre. I had to kind of beg him. He goes, OK, I'll take you there.

I don't think they allowed children. He had to literally call the Blantyre and go, listen, I'm going to take my son there. He's not a regular kid. He's not going to want to play baseball. He's not going to run around. You know, he just if the only thing will upset him is if the soufflé falls before it gets to the table, then he will have a full on meltdown. OK, please let us take this faggot to your castle.

I imagine that was. The conversation. Now, we went to the Blantyre and immediately I liked it immediately because as soon as we got out of the car, they looked at us like you don't belong here. And if you're ever in a place where people treat you like you belong there, you're not in the right place. You're in the wrong place. Friendliness is desperation and fear.

That's why Disney World, everyone's manic. They're like, welcome to Disney World, because they're afraid that you're going to go ride a Yelp. This place we got out and they were like, hello. We went in. As we're checking in, an old woman with pearls. She walks into this place and she goes, there was a guy there. And she goes, excuse me, I swear to God, this is like because the lobby

and then there's like the restaurant to the side. She goes, where's Maurice and the guy to ma'am. Maurice is not here, but I have all of the instructions for the event. I will be helping you. Everything is exactly as you wanted. It was just a great moment. And she goes, excuse me. And you could tell that this man was now filled with fear and trepidation.

And me and my father immediately turned around and loved it because we were both poor. And when you're poor, nothing is better than watching other poor people get abused. It's great, right? It's like, well, it's not my day today. It's his day. So we turn around and she goes, I have planned everything with Maurice. Find Maurice. And now this guy is like, he says again, he's like, ma'am, Maurice is not here today.

She goes, you need to get Maurice now. And the guy, the blood rushes out of his face. He walks to the manager. The managers are scurrying around. And immediately I just feel this rush of calm come over my little 12 year old body. I knew that I was in the right place. I knew immediately that I was where I belonged because he was a woman not going to tolerate it. She wasn't going to tolerate anything other than Maurice.

I swear to God, that was the guy's name. It's hilarious. That's like the name of every fucking, you know, it's a great out of a fucking 80s movie. And this woman was out of it. So like, those are the kind of occasion like we didn't do. I don't think we even did anything for those two days. There was like a pool, there was golf, maybe there was some other thing. We walked around the grounds.

We had like a really nice dinner. But it was just around other people that were not going to Bush Gardens, you know? And so that's my only thing. If you love Disney World, God bless you. Good for you. I don't know that I want you in my life. There's reasons to love Disney World. Um, having Down syndrome.

Being four. These are all reasons. Some people get married at Disney World. Can you imagine they get married in front of the cat? I mean, can you imagine? I'm not saying, listen, I live a very undignified life. It's just what I do. It's just in the cards, but require a little bit of dignity to get married in

front of the magic kingdom and Disney World to me. I mean, if you never had a thought, have you never had a thought in your head? Go somewhere. There are so many places in the world to go. I watched eighth grade, the Bo Burnham movie on the plane. It was very good. Reminds me of when I was not popular. I was bullied and I was not bullied in the era of social media.

That's got to be very tough. But I will tell you this. In a few weeks, we are doing an episode for children. We're doing an episode. I have a plan for children to become popular because that is the most important thing in life. It is a lie that it is not. And it is also a lie that the nerds all get revenge on the popular kids.

That is not true. The popular kids, you know, those kids had bullied you. It's like, you know where they are now? They're doing great. They're doing great. Okay. One nerd succeeds and in popular culture, because it's written by nerds, they all act, but one of the things when you grow up, you realize that the losers are

losers for a reason. And my business, I realized, I look at people in my business and I go, Oh, in high school, you walked around, you had no confidence and you shouldn't have any now. You should have no confidence now. Okay. So that's coming up because I was very unpopular. And then in 12th grade, I was nominated for homecoming king. I did not win because one of the kids' mothers died.

The other kids' father died in 9-11. They gave it to the kid whose mother died, whatever. I'm not, I'm not, am I claiming Russia? Am I saying Russia hacked it? No. I'm saying that. I rose through the ranks of high school and I'm going to teach you how to do it. It's very important.

And we're going to go over different ways to do it. We're going to go over different personalities that you can have. We did this on a video. There's different personalities you can have depending what you bring to the tape, okay? And we're going to talk about how to be, how to infiltrate the cool kid parties and not be a loser. Now a lot of you are losers and, and I'm not telling you to go back to school

because that window is closed for many of you, like Disney fucking world. It's over. It's over. Figure it out. You, you don't get to go back to Disney world at 40 because mom and dad didn't fucking take you. Suck it up. Some foster kids got locked in a closet and burnt with cigarettes. You're complaining you never went to fucking Disney world.

Grow the fuck up. Be an adult. Jesus Christ. But we're going to do, we're going to do a, we are going to do, and I want to hear some stories from people that became popular. I want you to do it and don't make them up because I'll know. Don't make them up. I sniff you out, you liars.

But I want to talk to people that were losers and decided at a certain point to not be losers because you don't have to be losers. So, and I don't know how many kids listen to this in their teens, probably none. And that's probably good for society that they don't. I'm not saying that this is, this is an adult program. This is not a show. We're not really reaching out to the tween market here. We, we're not doing that.

Okay. But if this is the one episode that we'll do, and I'm not going to curse and I'm not going to talk about Jeffrey Epstein, although these fucking kids know already. I'm, it's going to be a family friendly episode. I'm dead serious about this. I know that I was talking to the flight attendant about this on American. I was telling her I was going to do this and she finally told me to sit down. She had to, she had to prepare, she had to prepare a service.

She's thinking, she goes, I got to get the car down. And I said, well, listen, I had a great flight attendant today on American. Real, real, real dark lady. I'm like, I paid $40 for a more, more space seat. She goes, well, we don't have any. So you're, so I'm in the last seat of the plane with her. So, so she gets, so she goes, you might get a refund. She goes, I'll send you some free miles.

I go, uh, she goes, you think you're having a bad day? She goes, I wasn't even supposed to be on this flight. She goes, the flight attendant who was her husband killed herself. They've been married two years and he killed himself in his ex-wife's garage. And I'm like, okay, do we have the cheese plate? What are the snacks? Okay. I said to her, we start talking.

She goes, the other day we took off, we hit wind shear when we took off. She goes, you hit wind shear, the whole plane goes to the side. She goes, there was a scream. She goes, but she used these words. She goes, it was a blood curdling scream as the plane took off. She goes, we got about maybe 3000 feet up and it just, and she goes, the pilot got on right away and was like, okay, it's wind shear. We're going to be okay.

Um, and I said to her, I go, you ever just fucking like, they call it ferrying the plane when nobody's on them, like ever just go up to first class when you got nobody on the plane. She goes, she smiled. She goes, yes, just one time we all got to sit in first class. One time we had four people on this plane, but we all got to go right into the front, sit in first class. I was like, when was that?

She goes four days after nine, 11. With a big smile on her face. The thing about flight attendants is they don't, they've made peace with death because it's a very unnatural job to just work 30,000 feet in the sky. All of those flight attendants, they've seen death. They all do drugs. They all do these, they have these stopovers. They all get hammered and all the pilots do drugs.

It's a horrible job. We don't pay those people and it's a living hell. They live in an absolute hell and they have to get on every day and go. Hi, welcome. Is everyone happy? We're going to Phoenix. Everyone excited. We're going to Fania.

Southwest can dress it up all they want and they can have the people come out and try to do stand up and the pilots try to be funny. And the flight attendants try to be funny, but I know what it really is. I know it's a bunch of people who've made peace with death. That's who works on planes. Okay. But I will be doing this episode and I will be, I'm excited about it because it's something that I feel like people are not telling children.

They're not telling children how to be cool. They're telling them like how to go to college or whatever. Who cares? Like, yeah, go to college, maybe. But be cool, be somebody that other people like and respect. And you don't have to abuse people. You should never bully people. That's actually not the long term way to be cool.

That's a very short term way to be cool is to bully someone. That's not good. It's not good. You don't want to build an act around a kid that kid could kill themselves, they could shoot up the school, then you got to write all new shit. So what you want to do is aim high, punch up teachers, administrators, society at large, or maybe you're just hot. If you're hot, you got to learn how to be hot and you got to be the right kind of hot.

You know, some guys like can't be, there's always like a hot guy. Like some hot guys don't know, like some hot people don't know they're hot. And that's a whole thing, whatever. We're going to go into this, but I'm really excited about that. Thanks to everyone who came out to Hilarities and Cleveland, we had fun. However, it was the first time I had like six people kicked out and I never have anyone kicked out, but I do a joke about Trump and it's not a pro Trump joke. It's just really a joke about people being insane on social media.

And as soon as I mentioned Trump, all these people were like started booing audibly in the crowd. They were like, boo, and I flipped that. I should have taped it. And I was like, what the fuck are you booing at? I'm like, it's a joke. I'm like, don't you realize that he's going to win again because you people are such annoying cunts that you can't.

What do you think you're doing? What do you think you're accomplishing right now by booing a joke and you're yelling Trump is a cunt. I've never, I've never been a Trump guy. There's nothing pro Trump, but now, of course, now that I said all that, it activated some of the pro Trump people in the audience. You know, so I'm like, so I start, I just start losing it. And I'm like, QAnon's coming.

A few people in the audience were like, Q, you know, just people are crazy. I'm just, I'm like whipping it into a frenzy. You know, it's turning into just a regular day in Portland, another street fight. Listen, just shut up. If you go to a comedy show and you don't like something, just shut your mouth. You're not doing anything. That's what people need to be told. You're not doing anything by your opinion.

I don't know what has to happen in this country or this world for people to realize that the sole act of having an opinion is irrelevant. It doesn't matter. Like, first of all, your opinion, for most of you, isn't based on anything. It's you're regurgitating something you heard or you're trying to get attention. You don't have a educated opinion. You didn't do the work trying to figure anything out. I know that's why I don't have opinions on a lot of things because I don't know.

Yeah. Yes, I don't think Israel should build the settlements and like bulldoze the Palestinians out of their houses, right? But I also think Israel has like a right to exist. But I don't, I haven't like done the issue. I haven't like studied. And then these idiots, like we did the whole thing about takeout food. I was ranting about that.

A few people were like, well, we're going to do comedy, but nothing now about takeout food. No, I'm writing a new hour on the midi's peace process. You fucking moron. Do you know what comedy even is? Do you know what it is? I'm a clown. What, why don't you do something?

I demand my comedy be intellectual. And I demand that it conform to everything that I already believe. And I don't want it to be about people taking food to go. I want it to be about health care. I want you to make Medicare for all funny. And if you don't, I'm out. Yeah, we should have health care. I've said it 70 million times.

I'm, I hope and pray to God that somebody has done more work and research into the topic than I have. I have a job. I have to do the job that I have. There's other people doing their jobs. Okay. You fucking moron. What is all this is what happens now?

Comedy is just going to be about nothing. I want it to be about Bernie Sanders. I want it to be funny and I want it to be about HMOs. What? What? Are you crazy? It's insipid. Like, I just, I get a little frustrated with, with, with, with some people out there.

I'm very grateful for, you know, there's a lot of great fans of this show. And you don't have to like or agree with what we do. We don't, we don't, we don't care. Whatever you, you comment is lovely. You know, that's fine. As long as you're consuming the product, you don't care what you say afterwards. You know, I used to do cocaine with a girl who would always complain about the quality of the cocaine to the cocaine dealer.

And he would just, you know, his attitude was, well, you're buying it. As long as you're buying it, you have the right to say, you know, she'd be like, you know, this isn't like the last time. Remember that time you got it and it was better? Divorce, it's very fucked up. It's fucking the kids up out there. How long have we done? We got more.

Right in an hour. Right in an hour. But I mean, that's my thing. Bill Maher said something about people watching comic book movies. Everybody flipped out. I said something about adults not celebrating Halloween. I said, hey, if you got to wear like an edgy Halloween costume, if that's your only way to be, why don't you give the holiday back to children?

Cause that's who it was for. I'm not, go, go, and it was not really directed at everybody who was dressing up, it was kind of directed at the people that are going to get fired because they went to a party dressed as a twin towers. I'm like, well, I can do that. I'm a commute. If you, if you're, if you're a kindergarten teacher, maybe hold, hold off on that. It is what it is.

You know, if you want to go as a Korean person, I'm not for the cultural appropriation. I really don't care what you dress up as, but maybe in this climate, it's not smart to go as a Guatemalan. I don't know what some of these people do. So I just tweeted, like, I was like, Hey, give Halloween back to children. Don't dress up, buy a house, get a job, whatever. People went not, it was the most controversial thing I've ever said, telling

people to not, telling adults to not wear a costume, think of everything I've said. The country's run by demons. They're sucking the energy out of children. The country's run by crime families that murder, that sell drugs to traffic and human beings. And what really upset people is I said, why don't you not dress up in a costume? That's what really got people.

It's like this Disney world article, flip people the fuck out because somebody suggested that maybe they give it up, give the, give the, give the, give the child like one, like that's a problem with Disney world. It's like all the people there, like approach the world with childlike wonder, oh, it's childlike. Well, I feel like a kid again, I just feel like a kid. Don't, don't feel like a child. There's a time to be a child and here's another one, and this is going to really

get people and we'll do this one. We're going to do this one, by the way, and then we're going to get out of here. Folks, I'm going to do this one. Folks, you're not going to like it. Are you ready, man? You are not going to like this one. This one's going to be, this one's going to be one that people get really angry. Are you ready?

Prepare. Be, take a seat. I imagine many of you are. I imagine many people aren't listening to this on the elliptical. I could be wrong. The time to smoke marijuana is in your late teens and early to mid twenties. After that, it should be very rare. It should not be all the time for most people.

And don't get me like, well, Rogan, that guy has a constitution you will never have. Yeah, you want to, yeah, yeah, yeah. That guy's got three jobs. He's running up and down hills. He can do whatever the fuck you want. Don't use an example of like the four people that are succeeding in life. He's one of five people that are doing well. Don't use that example.

Get real. Fucking losers come at me with a, okay. Deweed every day, folks. Not a good look. Not a good look. Not the move. Not the move. Is there anything more fun to be in 17 or 18 or 19 and getting high, going through

Taco Bell, laughing your ass off? Okay. Here's where that's less fun. You're late thirties. It is not as fun. Now, many of you were angry at me, but you know, I'm right. I'm not a perfect person. I get it.

I go to Taco Bell sober. That's unforgivable. That is, I mean, I go sober. 35 year old sober person will eat Taco Bell. That is in and of itself a crime. It should be against the law, but cut it out with the vape, the weed, you know, everybody's high all the time. Folks, things are coming.

You're not going to want to be high for them. You're going to want to be sober when it comes. You know what's coming. Okay. Everybody, let's talk a little bit about physical conditioning. I know that we may not do that as much as other podcasts do, but it's very important. You know, we really don't, we really don't go into wellness and, you know, mind, body, spirit, connection as much as we should, but, you know, that's really important.

And I think people that have happy, successful lives all seem to have some kind of deeply rooted understanding of how their body works and when it's, you know, when it's at maximum levels of efficiency and, you know, what fuel the body needs. And these are all very important things. And I think we don't do enough about that. And that's my fault. That's really on me. You know, I'm the captain of the ship.

And a lot of times we, we get lost, but there's a lot out there. And I want to start when we talk about the body, I want to start with the balls. Um, because there's a lot going on and there's a lot that needs to be addressed. Um, a lot of people need to clean up their area down there. I bought a house in 2007 with a subprime mortgage, uh, during a cocaine binge. That house has been foreclosed on. I have lost it. Um, the legal proceedings have been completed.

It was taken, you know, it was a collateral and, you know, the house was, you know, repossessed and I no longer own it clearly. And my credit has been decimated because of that. I guess the debt was written off. I don't really, it's neither here nor there. The point is that, that house had about an acre of property and that acre of property was untamed, wild, long island grass, big raccoon lived in a tree in the backyard and used to walk around the backyard.

Um, but if you looked at the lawn, you would know what was going on in that house, which was a lot of pain. You would see the lawn and you would say, this gives me a very good indication of what's happening in that house, which was nothing good. Bill's piling up by the door that nobody was opening and nobody was paying. Just a tiny bit of fuel, just enough fuel to keep that house going. No more people could see that they could sense it. They could see the fear and the desperation just by looking at the wild, overgrown,

unmanaged lawn. So when we talk about your, your, your dick, your, your, your private area, your balls, your taint, your grundle, you need to keep these things where people look at them and they go, oh, that's a, that's a respectable individual that takes care of himself and takes care of others. This is somebody I want to build a relationship with, maybe a life with. Maybe this is somebody I want to have children with because they have taken care of themselves.

Manscaped has redesigned the electric trimmer. Their invention is the lawn mower 2.0 skin safe technology. I used to, before, you know, I would hook up with somebody that I met on a grinder, whatever, back in the day on Craigslist. I would have to try to manscape myself with, you know, something and every now and then you would nick yourself and now it's embarrassing. And, and, and sometimes you'd have to just not go and meet up with that person because you're bloody and that's not the move.

You never want to show up with a bloody deck. So what you try to do is, you know, you basically have to be very, very careful. Um, and that's why this new manscape lawn mower 2.0 is great. Cause it has skin safe technology. Okay. It is small, easy to hold and designed to get into all your nooks and crannies without snagging your sack. You do not want to puncture your scrotum.

Okay. No more using the same trimmer on your face that you use on your fucking junk. Use the right tools for the job. Manscaped is designed with your junk in mind. You know how it gets down there in the summer, sweaty, stinky. A lot of people like that, you know, a lot of people don't want you to shower. They want to get the whole you, you know, they want to get, want to get smacked in the face with a little bit of salt, a little bit of salted caramel.

You know, some people don't, some people want you to deodorize every part of your body, but it's like, what the fuck is the point? You know, are you trying to fuck a chemical, trying to fuck a person? You know, this is neither here nor there again, but it's just a little, I'm just editorializing on a concept, but just in time for summer, they've got the crop preserver, an anti-chafing ball deodorant and moisturizer. If you're one of these people that is ashamed of your own scent, or maybe you're a partner, doesn't want, you got to ease somebody in to really smack

at them with a sweaty ball. So you should start with a moisturizer and a deodorizer. After you've been in a relationship for a little while, then you can take the hog out in any condition and just smack them around with it. But in the beginning, you've got to get them in with a low interest rate, let's say. So it smells nice and it's nice. And one of the things here in this ad, they say, you put deodorant on your pits. Why are you not putting deodorant on the smelliest part of your body?

Well, I don't know. I mean, I think it's a little different, but some people like gross armpits too. I mean, what, you know, listen, buy this product because it should, you know, most people don't, most people don't want sweaty, smelly balls, but there are people that do, they want that. Okay. But what's nice is giving someone that choice, but nobody wants too much bush. This is the fact.

Nobody wants too much bush. Nobody wants, there's that fat cat I have on Instagram, Oscar. And his fur grows so much that he gets burrs stuck in it. He's a little spiky. I don't know where they come. I think they come from a tree, but he gets the burrs stuck and he's got fleas and mites. He has an entire ecosystem living on him, like the sloth.

If you've ever been the sloth in the Amazon, I like British people say sloth and I like that. But the sloth has an entire ecosystem of bugs living on him. He is a host for an entire community of bugs, which I think is kind of nice. I like things like that. I find life fascinating. I've always wanted to go to the Amazon and, but you have to have a lot of, you got to get a lot of shots.

And I don't really have the, I don't have the money to go to Ohio. So what I'm saying is that the bush needs to go. Bold, deodorant, moisturizer, that's great. You know, but somebody also might be like, Hey, we'll do respect. Let's not take a shower. Just hit me with whatever you got. Listen, this is, you know, some people are into this, but I'm just saying. Get 20% off free shipping with the code Tim at manscape.com.

Literally, they just sent me one of these things. The Lamar, it is amazing. It is, you never feel better when you are shaving your balls. You feel safe. You feel like you can do it hammered. I don't suggest that. You feel like you can do it drunk, you know, it's a, you feel like you could just kind of freestyle it down there and you're not going to nick

yourself because they really do have this advanced technology. It really is good. You do need to shave your balls. The Nerellco body groom is not that great. That's what usually everybody else kind of uses. It's not that great. The body groom, I'm telling you, I've used it. You know, and I'm telling you, it's a, it's a big deal.

Tim is the code 20% off manscape.com. That's 20% off free shipping manscape.com. If you're not getting laid and you want to get laid, you got to clean up your dick. It doesn't really matter how big your dick is, you know, uh, it doesn't really matter. Uh, I mean, you know, there are people that are going to want bigger dicks. That's a fact, you know, there are people that are going to be into that, you know, you know, lots of them, but the obsession about dick sizes is probably

a waste of time because there's nothing you can really do about it unless that product advertises on the show. And then we'll, you know, fix that for you. But as of right now, it seems like you're just, you get what you get. And, but what you can do is really, you've all been to a house. It's not that great, but they've done a lot of work. You know what I mean? Well, you walk in the house and they're really proud of it.

It's kind of sadder in a way, but they're really proud of it. And the yard's very nice. You've ever been to a small yard that's immaculate and you go, Oh, this is nice. Because they take pride in where they live. That's the way you should feel about your cock and balls can be big. Maybe it's a big, beautiful, you know, you know, big, uh, maybe you got a big, huge, you know, ribeye steak down there. Maybe you have a petite filet mignon, you know, an eight ounce filet that

a divorce school teacher would order with a Kendall Jackson Chardonnay. I don't, it's not my business. Or maybe you have a big porterhouse for three and Peter Luger's. You just want to swing it. I've seen certain penises where I go, that person's life should be amazing. Like there's no excuse for that person. But then some of them don't have good lives because they just have this big dick and they play with it and then they fuck whatever they want.

Then they don't get any other skills because their dick is so huge that it's amazing. I'm just saying, this is what happens now. So what I'm saying is this, if you have a dick that you don't love, do manscaped, get yourself in the right, deodorize your balls. Okay. Women don't want smelly balls. If men don't really care, probably men will fuck you with whatever women. For the most part, unless you get a real freak, a real, you know,

like from dusk till dawn, vampire type. And that's what, you know, kind of what you want, not to marry, but, you know, for an hour. So you got to deodorize your balls, moisturize them because people want a soft, nice ball, you know? I mean, this is what I meant when I said we wanted to do more about health and wellness. This is really the direction we wanted to go into. I didn't know if you thought we were going to start talking about intermittent

fasting, but clean the area up. You know, it's very interesting. You know, this is, this is all I can tell you folks. Tim is the code 20% off manscaped.com and send in photos to the show before and after photos, before you've trimmed yourself and after you've trimmed yourself. Send in photos to the show and we'll be the judge. We'll see, we'll see how you've done. We will not comment on the size of your penis.

We will simply address everything else that's going on. And we'll be like, look at this. Nicked himself, the balls look moisturized. You got to moisturize your balls, folks. Got to deodorize and moisturize those balls. Do it. Really get this, the fucking. You need this. Here's the thing. You need it.

And the other thing on the market, the Norelco thing, isn't good. And then there's really nothing else. Telling you, there's not a lot out there, especially if you're a bigger person. You're a fat person. You need to do this. It's not a negotiation. I'm just saying, there's nobody wants a fucking crop of disgusting hair. You want a nice, like fit, trim area.

Or, you know, or you're being incel. I don't know what to tell you. I mean, those guys seem to enjoy it. I mean, there's, you know, certainly some of them in the audience, huh? If I compliment Whitney Cummings or something, these people lose their minds. You know, take it as a direct attack to them that I have recognized another woman as a human being on earth. They can't handle it.

They start flipping out and attack you. Who are you? What is this? These rules are they hate gay people, but they only want to spend time and talk to men. It's very interesting. It's very interesting breed. Dudes that want to just spend time with other dudes and suck each other off. You might as well. What are you doing? You're wasting time playing video games all day.

You might as well fucking get off. Otherwise, you're going to have to learn to speak to a member of the opposite sex. And that means deodorizing your balls, shaving them, you know, getting the game. Boys, girls, this isn't for girls. Is it? Who cares? If you're a girl that's a boy, do this. What do I don't care? Don't start with me now.

You need a dick to be a boy, maybe not shave your clit with this. That's not what it's for. But I can't tell you how to live. Do what you want. You know, whatever, maybe you have a penis that was made out of a clit. Maybe you have a vagina that was made out of a penis. I don't know. It's 2019 and everybody is having fun.

So manscape.com, promo code Tim. Thank you. Some kid just texted me. Some guy that I thought I was going to. I don't know if we were going to hook up or whatever. He's going to come out to LA and stay with me. We've been talking. He clearly doesn't want to. That's OK. He used the old I'm going to spend time with my brother, which I let's my favorite.

That's my favorite. I'm going to spend time with my family. You know, it's like if I was Zac Efron, would you still be? Would you still be spending time with him? You know, he goes, well, I'm just kind of going to hang out with my brother. And I'm like, OK, that's fair. I get it. I listen. I I get it. But I just love like, you know, and then he asked me, like, are you close with your family?

It's like, listen, listen, we don't I get. I get it. You can let you can let me down. You can let me down. I think he thought like I was going to be like, like I was going to be like, show them around LA. You don't have to come. If you don't like it, you don't like it. Whatever you come out, you don't like it. Fine. It's not a big deal.

Well, fuck everyone else. I don't care. I'll still buy you lunch. I'll still be the loser. I'll still take you out for avocado toast. We'll throw lobster on it. And you can go fuck some other dude. I don't care. I'll still be the mark. That's fine. I don't have a problem with that. I put myself in that position.

But I just think it's funny. He was like, yeah, I'm just going to spend time with her. It's like Larry Silverstein. They asked him why he wasn't yet a meeting at the World Trade Center. He didn't go. He goes, yeah, you know, my wife said I should go to this doctor's appointment, you know, and I figured, is that it, Larry? That's how you made all these billions. Listening to the little woman.

I'm not saying he shouldn't have, but I'm just saying a guy like him doesn't really seem like it's an interesting day. It's like my wife was just nagging me and I I finally decided, you know, she made a good point. I'll go to the doctor this day. I'm not saying anything, folks. I'm just saying it's fun. Isn't it fun? It's just fun.

That's all. Not a big deal. Nothing's a big deal. I'm a famous celebrity and things are great. I live in a mansion and I'm very happy. I do a lot for the world and the world does a lot for me. I hustle. I grind. I'm positive. I'm positivity all day. All night positive. I don't make any excuses.

I don't like them. As the great Gary Vanya Chuck says, kindness is delicious. Kindness is delicious. That was a tweet from Gary Vanya Chuck, who is my spirit animal. He's my God. When I feel low, I go to get like all great entrepreneurs. They need that. How could you create a business without those words of wisdom?

Because you forget how delicious kindness is. And that's, by the way, how people build businesses, being kind. That's how they do it. That's how they do it. That's how empires are built, by being a kind person. That's like the story in the Bible. Jesus, you remember, he had all the casinos. Jesus owned all the casinos because he was kind.

And people love that. The Romans love that. TimDillonComedy.com, for all your comedy needs. Please go to the Southern Run, folks. Don't don't fuck around with me here. I'm doing one nighters. I'm coming to, first of all, America Comedy Co. The first through the third. This might come out.

You might have missed that. Don't go the next week when I'm not there, like Disney World and try to recapture it. It's over. But August 4th through the 8th, I'm going to be down doing Nashville, Charlotte, North Carolina, Huntsville, Alabama, Hoover, Alabama.

I'm going to be at the Comedy Zone in Charlotte. I'm going to be at Sainis in Nashville. I'm going to be at Stand Up Live in Huntsville, Alabama. I'm going to be at the Star Doom in Hoover, Alabama, doing comedy. Really funny guy, Todd Riley's going to be there with me. And we're going to have some fun. Please, if you're in those areas, grab tickets to those shows.

I'm also going to be in North Carolina Good Nights Comedy Club in Raleigh, the 22nd to the 24th. Come out to that. And then we've got more dates coming up. The Patreon is coming. Many of you have asked. It is coming.

Here's some of the things that'll be on the Patreon. We will have all of the archives from Gas Digital, two and a half years, all of the great interviews I did with all those great writers. If you're into the conspiracy stuff, Russ Baker, Nick Bryant, you know, the director of Who Took Johnny, Mark Eliotti,

who wrote a great book about the Russian mob. We have comedians like Dan Soder, Bobby Kelly, Bonnie McFarlane. We have a lot of really cool episodes. We have just great episodes with me and Ray. We talk about all kinds of stuff. And what's fun about that is you can kind of chart. You can see the rise of Trump through the show.

And you could see how things are kind of coming apart. And it's a very interesting show because of what we, who we have on, are the way that we were positioned, like not in the mainstream, we're positioned on the fringe and watching the fringe, the shit that we always talked about,

bleed into the mainstream. And watching all of a sudden, everybody start talking about things that we've been talking about. Everybody, you know, whether it was like deep state dynamics, whether it was intelligence agencies, whether it was human trafficking.

I mean, it's really wild to watch that happen. It's a great archive for a road trip or whatever. And it's gonna be available for like $5 a month. You'll get an extra episode every week plus the archive, whole archive for $5 a month. It's a pretty fucking good deal. And if you can't afford that, no problem. Just keep telling your friends to watch the show,

listen to the show, we appreciate it. You know, I will end on this too. The hatred of certain comics is odd to me. You people hate certain people. Like you hate Schumer, here's the deal. If you don't have to agree with Amy politically, I was in an argument with somebody the other day. Amy is unquestionably talented.

She is insanely funny. She's a beast of a comic. You don't have to like her. It is what it is. And I really don't think she's stealing jokes. And I had this argument with somebody. The jokes in question, and everyone's gonna be like,

what is she giving you a job? I've never met her. We met once in the Hyatt lobby. She looked at me, I was like, hello? I was like, hey. I'm not going to tour with you, none of that. I'm just saying people throw shit out there. And there's a lot of people

who listen to the show who disagree with me. You know, you make people in like the boogeyman, like she's Satan for whatever reason. If you don't like it, don't fucking watch. Who cares? I guarantee she's funnier than you. If you hate her and you're listening, I guarantee you she's better at being funny than you are.

Okay? Guaranteed. You might not like her, it doesn't matter. She doesn't give a fuck if you've noticed. She's doing well. And I get no benefit from saying this. I'm not, she's been generous to comics, good to comics. I mean, not to me, I'm not in her circle.

But like, and whatever, it's not only her. She's like one that people throw a lot of hate at. But if you don't like it, just move the fuck on. Enough. People message me like, this person sucks, or that person sucks, who cares? Enough.

They're better than you. All the people that you hate are funnier than you. All the people that you think are hacks, or whatever, they're better at this than you's a fucking hard thing to do. Okay? It's a hard thing to do. You think you're funny? Well, cause you said the N-word in the break room,

at the water treatment facility, and everybody laughed. Great. But, you know, enough already. You know, doesn't mean you don't, you have to like people. Doesn't mean you can't shit on people. But stop making people into gods, and stop making them into Satan. Nobody's a god.

Stop all these comedians, all these fucking celebrities, people you build up as gods. I know half of these, but enough. They're people. They're doing a job that makes you happy, good. Be an adult. This is that Disney World shit, man. This is that childlike wonder.

This is like, I'm catching fireflies in the backyard. Throw the fuck up. Enough. Stop making a god out of Trump. Stop making a god out of Acasio Cortez. He's the game show host, a criminal and a liar. She's a bartender who's, you know, seems confused, but has some, you know, she has some of the right instincts.

She knows everything's fucked. I don't know if she knows how to fix it. She knows everything's fucked. But this whole thing about deifying people, and then tearing them down, it's a deeply immature thing. It means you've got nothing going on. It means that you've got nothing going on. That everything has to be about somebody that you love or hate.

The world is more complex than that. Some of the people that you really like are Schmucks. Doesn't mean they're not really great at their job. And some of the people that you might not like are lovely people that are great people. And you'll never know, you don't know, you'll never know people until you meet them, until you, and even after you meet them.

Like you don't know a lot of people. At the end of the day, you go through your entire life, you look back, you don't really know a lot of people. You get an idea of people, but you don't know them that well. So this idea that you can take a real hard stand. I love this person. Donald Trump, it's immature. And the people on the left do it too.

The squad. The squad is going to stop looking for gods and stuff. It's embarrassing. It's one of the reasons that we're living in a rapidly decaying society. Because everybody's looking for some type of avatar to get behind. It's stupid.

It's childish. You know? I mean, I don't know how else to say it. I don't know how fucking else to say it, you know? You talk to people sometimes, and they just, they seem to not yet. It's not that interesting. Everything in Hollywood is not a pedophile cult.

There are, there are. But everybody that's doing well in LA is not evil. They're too boring to be evil. Trust me. If they were evil, they'd be a hell of a lot more interesting. A lot of them are just vapid and lucky. But that's a, that world is even harder to live in. The world where they're not demons that have been selected

by a, no, they're lucky. Brr, ding. They got it. You did it. There you go. There's your world. It's not always a pre-ordained, you know? And I know a lot of people like to think it,

and now some of it is, you know, when we talk about who's president, this is a different story. Okay? This is a different story. When we talk about somebody with a cooking show or a fucking, you know, whatever people are doing out here, a sitcom, fucking somebody's on a dance competition, like guys, enough.

The Illuminati is not hand selecting everybody on dancing with the fucking stars. They don't have the time. It's just not what it is. I'm not defending LA. Shit on LA all the time. People are like, oh, you're living in LA now. You're defending all that.

No, there's demons here to be sure. To be sure. But a lot of people here are just lucky. I don't think people can comprehend that. They're in the right place at the right time. They had a few of the right. They got the right look. People, I don't think you comprehend that

because that is kind of a more terrifying world than the world where everybody's elevated based on this, you know, ominous, whatever. Just is what it is. I'm not saying that there aren't deals that are made. I'm not saying that, you know, it's not a lot darker than people would imagine, but it's dark in a different way

than you would imagine, I think. It's lonely. There's a lot of loneliness. There's a lot of indifference. People really don't give a fuck about you. People do things for a very long period of time and then they get a little attention, a little heat, and then people start going,

oh, who do they fuck? What do they do? Who do they have it? It's just that they bang your head against the wall. They shredded their entire life. They've ruined every relationship they've had. They've mortgaged their entire future on one thing and sometimes it works.

A lot of times it doesn't. The majority of times it doesn't, but sometimes it works. So this whole idea that everybody out there gets anything, either one doesn't deserve it or has gotten it for some fucking reason that is shrouded in mystery and they must know the right person. The people that do a lot of the picking

and the choosing here are lazy. They're lazy and they're bad at their job. There's a few of them that are nefarious, movers and shakers, manipulating, but it's at a very, very high level. Really not at the level I'm at. Not even really at the level, a few levels above me. A lot of it is just simply happenstance.

Not all of it, but some of it. So I think the idea of deifying people and making them gods comes from the idea that that these people are superhuman, either in a good sense or a bad sense. Like they're either demons from hell or they're gods that walk the earth. No, a lot of them just worked hard,

took risks and got lucky. Not all of them, but some of them. And that's the whole thing. Acasio-Cortese human being, Donald Trump's human being, they were able to leverage certain things. They had certain qualities. And that doesn't mean by the way that they're not backed by very powerful people

or that they're not compromised. None of that is the case. But what I'm saying is that making them into, they have the same qualities that you have that many of us have. You just don't finally tune and hone those qualities and market them or make them into something, which is, I'm not saying you have to.

Go full in love, go walk on the beach, much better life. I'm not saying you have to wanna try to run the world and run the planet. But one of the things that I realized about when I met elites, I met people that had gone to really good schools, their families had a lot of money. In many cases, they were stunningly ignorant about the way the world actually worked

because they had never been on a public bus. They had never, they didn't, even in the business that I'm in, you meet people that are very, very good at what they do, but they're so high up that they don't see what's going on under them. They can't really conceptualize what the masses are doing or what direction things are moving in. And it's because a lot of those elites,

doesn't mean they're gods. It doesn't mean that they possess these superhuman qualities. It just means they're in a very small world and it's very insulated and it's very insular, you know? And it's a world that gives them endless privilege and endless benefits and shit like that, but a lot of people are not technically elites. A lot of them have attained an elite position

because they were at the right place at the right fucking time and they had the right shit and it just kind of clicked. And if you can make peace with that, you're okay because listen, there are real conspiracies. There is real shit going on. Nobody is, I mean, very few people, I mean, there are people that have focused

on them more than I do, but what clouds the real shit? What clouds the Epstein stuff? What clouds the Franklin scandal? What clouds JFK? What clouds very legitimate questions about these things? Is when you start really painting with this crazy broad brush and throwing like an open mic, you're just throwing out, you know, premises

with this person and that person and this person. It's like, at the end of the day, you have to accept that a lot of this literally is fucking luck, not in my case. I'm talent, that's why I'm on a porch with no money. You understand? That's talent, luck, I'd be on power. Goodbye.