The Tim Dillon Show - 160: 160 - The Ballad of The Fat Girl With The Clean Car

Episode Date: August 11, 2019

Tim broadcasts from a bed in San Diego this week. He wants to smoke a rock with Marianne Williamson, offers a second look at OJ Simpson, and talks one of the great mythological figures in life, the fat girl with the very clean car. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hi, I'm Timmy the Trash Can, and I love trash. Popcorn boxes, pots, and candy wrappers. Mmm, they all taste so good. Instead of throwing your trash on the floor, won't you please give it to me? Thank you for considering your fellow patrons. Welcome to the Tim Dillon Show, everybody. This is Tim Dillon. We're joined, as always, usually, by the great Devin Costa. What's up, Tim? Thank you for coming to San Diego, where I am having a great weekend here at American Comedy Company in San Diego. A city of very attractive, if a little bit retarded people. They are very attractive, and the shows have been excellent. People have been coming out,

and we're having a lot of fun. And actually, they're not that stupid. I mean, they're probably stupid, but not in the club. They've been getting all the jokes, and, you know, I mean, I'm pumped about that. Thank God. I had a friend, and I was like, you know, some of the people, you know, San Diego is not the brightest city, you know? And my friend's like, you know, working out and being healthy, that's a different kind of intelligence. And I'm like, I know that dummy. What I'm saying is that that doesn't help me if I'm making fucking jokes with references that people don't understand. That's the problem. I'm not saying that fucking following, you know, a rigid keto diet isn't some evidence of intelligence and reason. I get that. Okay? I'm with you. All

right? I'm not taking away all their fucking accomplishments. I get that discipline requires some level of mental dexterity. I'm with you. I'm saying that if I make a joke about something and you stare at me like you're brain dead, I don't care how good you look. It doesn't really help. Have you, did you, when you were doing stand up, did you ever come down here? Yeah, yeah, a lot. It's kind of the place to go for stage time in LA. And how did you find it? I didn't like it. Why did you not like it?

You like what you're saying. They're kind of dumb people. You gotta, you gotta, they want crowd work and like talk about how drunk people are or that type of shit. Kind of a daft crowd. But there's something nice about the city here because they don't, I haven't seen any of these pseudo-intellectual pretend artist types. No, that is nice. Yeah. They don't have any of that. It's fucking military, athletic people, you know. They got the life here. They're not trying to worry about any nonsense. Yeah. Some real bar fights here. People beating each other's brains out, just fucking like animals.

This is the way, and I say it on stage, this is the way to experience the apocalypse. Hot on a beach, fucking. Yep. Because New York and places like New York and LA, they're all going to be trying to solve the problem. You know, they're going to die saying, actually, I'm right. Like that'll be the last words they say. Right. They'll be like, no, actually. And then, you know, it'll all end.

But here in San Diego, the last thing you'll hear is like, ah, ah, ah. They'll just be coming. Yeah. People in San Diego look like they fuck with their tongues out. Oh, yeah. Like extreme people. There's some really attractive people in the city. Yeah.

Very hot. I went down to Seal Cove the other day, which is a beach where they've, where there's a lot of seals and sea lions and the tourist Americans go visit the sea lions to feel better about their own weight, which I think is very nice of San Diego to have a place where Americans can walk out on the beach and go, see, I'm not that fat. Look at that 1,800 pound sea lion. The sea lions are, of course, usually much better looking than the Americans because they carry their weight better.

That's just a fact. That's a reality. There's a lot of fat. You know how fat people are when you're down on the beach and next to the 2,000 pound sea lion, they look fine. You know what I mean? They look like, I'm like, what animal could I put next to you that would dwarf you and select?

We need a hippopotamus. We need a rhinoceros. Like there's a 2,000 pound sea lion. These people aren't scared at all. They're walking up to these things, you know, smacking them in the face. What a bitch. You know? He's sitting on their backs riding them around.

I'm kidding. They're not doing any of that. But supposedly at night, I was talking to some guy drunk high school girls from La Jolla run down to the beach or college girls or whatever. And they just like cradle the sea lions. They're all hammered. They're like, come here, baby. I love you.

And then every now and then a sea lion takes a bite out of their arm. Yeah. All for an Instagram picture. Yeah. All for a selfie. All for a selfie. I like that you said at breakfast, you said, uh, you said, what was it? They're first.

What did you say? How did you phrase it? Uh, they're, they're first, uh, they're first. What was it? I don't, I don't even remember things I say. I don't know. It was about the sea lions and though this is why it doesn't talk more. People, people say to me like, why doesn't he talk more?

I'm like, you know, he's like, kind of has Alzheimer's. He says it. No, it's like their first lesson they learned was a sea lion biting them. Oh, right. It's a very funny way. And you forgot. Yeah. I'm sorry about that.

It's okay. It's all right. It's not me. They'll still like me. Um, it's, you know, we're trying to have you trying to build your fan base here, but you said something very funny at break. That is the curse of some people say something very funny. And then if cameras go on or recording devices go on, they completely do not have it anymore.

There are people that I've seen kill on shows and then they'll go to a festival like JFL or they'll do Conan or something. And then as soon as it matters, not that this matters, but as soon as like anything matters, they're just, they're like, they just walk out and they're like, they just have nothing and then they fail and they, and they, and they leave. No, they don't leave. They stay, but they never quite get it. Um, I will say I, I, I, I, I had to end the friendship recently with somebody who I could

see was going insane. It's very important to spot people on their journey to insanity and then throw them out of your life before they officially arrive in the insane asylum. And you could see them, you could see it happening to a lot of people and there's a lot of like different indications they give. One of the indications a friend of mine recently was telling me that they needed an assistant, but they didn't have a job. They had no job.

They spend all day doing nothing, but they need an assistant. It's like that's one of those fucking indications that somebody's about to lose their fucking mind and they had to go. And then they asked about Ben who produces the show. They're like, is Ben your assistant will Ben schedule like furniture deliveries to your ham? Like what furniture? Who's having furniture delivered?

You don't have a job. You're not doing it. These people aren't doing anything and you realize, oh, they're starting to lose touch with reality. They're like, it's like, you know how you dip your toe in the pool? They're dipping their toe in outer space and they're seeing how it feels without gravity and they like it. They're like, oh, it feels nice without gravity.

And so in order to do that, you need to assemble a group of people around you that won't question any of these things ago. You do need an assistant. You need a team. Really? Really you need a team. And they're like, you're right. I need a team.

But unfortunately, this person had to go and it is unfortunate. I try to surround myself with rich people, but a lot of the problem is if there's nothing worse than a rich person who hasn't accepted they're rich and then tries to be smart. This is of the archetypes of human being that absolutely need to be caught in a riptide. This is one of the archetypes. A person who's guilty about their amount of privilege that they have money. So what they then have tried to do is become like an artist or become intelligent. And every interaction they have with the world is just this insufferable need to feel smart

and to be recognized for their intelligence. But they also like shoes. Like it's that type of person. They're like, I'm a genius, but I also love sneakers. That's a new archetype of human being, by the way. They're like, I love revolution and I'm a real thinker and I realize society's fucked, but I also love sneakers. And that I have those two parts of my personality that are constantly, you know, I love jackets

and fashion and also, you know, I'm a genius. You know, it's just both of those things that you get and it's utterly. So I had to get, have you ever torched a friendship and then not regretted that you're not friends with the person, but regretted the way that you did it? Yeah. Yeah. We're impulsive, like say something real, you know, like a headshot and you feel kind of bad about it, but you're probably on your way to not being friends anyway.

I felt bad that I said a few things that I should not have said, but I think sometimes in this society, honesty is, is people recognize honesty as an attack, especially when it is worded like an attack, but, but I do think that people, you know, to be an honest person is, I hate to say it, but it is kind of revolutionary in a city like Los Angeles, where many of the people you're dealing with are mentally ill, they're insane. So for you to say something that's based in reality, throws them, you know, for a loop and then they're angry at you, they're mad at you. They're mad if you suggest something that's reality based.

If you suggest a solution that's based in, you know, any type of reason, or, you know, I mean, people just look at you like you're a dick, they're like, that guy sucks, you know, that guy's a bad person, because he chose to puncture, you know, this little bubble of insanity that I built, that I cannot have punctured, I just have to, but I didn't feel bad because I said a few things that I regret and I think that's what happens, unfortunately, when you let stuff build up, you know, I think that's what happened with OJ. I think it's what happened with a lot of people that should have addressed those issues earlier and did it.

But why is OJ the most well adjusted person on Twitter? Why is he looks good, plays golf, seems happy, has pretty decent stuff to say about the democratic debates, has pretty good analysis. Why is that? Because he can't, and he did, you know, he's had a wildlife. Think about OJ's life and think about Donald Trump's life, right? These guys have had wildlife. OJ was a star running back, movie star, maybe murderer, got away with murder.

He was like the toast of LA society, got away with murder, ended up going to jail for like stealing. What did he do? He stole his memorabilia back from the guy that was selling his memorabilia. Now he's out. He's in, you know, the golden years of his life. He's playing golf. He looks good.

He's, you know, he's free. He's got nothing to hide anymore. He's free. He's got nothing to hide. I mean, all in all, let's be honest. Is it a bad life? Let's be honest. Look at OJ Simpson's life.

He's experienced everything. He's really experienced everything, everything that you, the highs, the lows, you know, he cut off someone's head almost near. He nearly decapitated somebody that he did not like that he was angry at. Many of us, when you're angry, what do you do? You got to shove it deep down because you don't want to get fired. Some cunt walks in the fucking Starbucks or wherever you're working starts being demanding and you want to throw hot coffee in her face.

You want to scold her. You want to just see her, you know, collapse like the witch in the Wizard of Oz. I'm melting. I'm melting. She's not melting. She's burning because you threw coffee on her and she's got at least second degree burns on her face and she's screaming and her child is there, but her child isn't crying because the child is actually also kind of happy that the mother got it.

The child is kind of has that quizzical look on its face. Like, is this justice? I'm witnessing. Is this my first, is this my first experience with divine justice, this guy that just threw hot coffee in my bitch mother's face, but you can't do that, right? So you stuff it down and then you drink, smoke, you do whatever people, you know, eat unhealthy and you stuff it down, you stuff it down, you stuff it down, OJ walked in. He saw something going on that he was not a fan of and he made the choice to not stuff

it down. He made the choice to take action and listen, I don't know Nicole Brown Simpson. I did not know her. I did not know Ron Goldman. I was a child and I lived in New York and I do not condone murder. I want to say that because I think a lot of people listening right now are confused and that's fine because life is confusing. I think many people are starting to realize that these absolutes are not really serving

us to be honest. And I think we need to start reexamining these situations, but what OJ did probably felt really good in the moment, you know, it probably felt really good in the moment to cut off their heads. Yeah. Now, immediately after, he probably was like, well, that was a lot, you know, that was too much. But then you start thinking about self-preservation and, but what I'm saying is let's just look

at the life. Let's not focus in on any part of his life. Let's just let's focus out and go, what a life. When he's on his deathbed, he could say, I've done it all. I got away with murder. I was a movie star. I was the toast of the town. I mean, he's a remarkable figure.

I got to be honest with you. I don't want to use the word hero because it is, and don't stop with the violence against women. Shit. He killed a guy too. Don't start with me with this. He killed a woman. What about Ron Goldman?

Yeah. You'll get Donald Trump crazy life. Millions and millions and millions of dollars been at the apex of a certain type of society. He was never on the inner sanctum of New York society, but close enough, he was that new 80s billionaire, mega business magnet that courted fame like a wrestling heel. I think owned the Miss Universe pageant. Was it Miss Universe? Yeah.

Right? Mm-hmm. I've found multiple casinos, I mean, a truly extraordinary life. And again, and now the president of the United States, this isn't good or bad. We're not more, I'm not looking at the morals of any of these situations. I'm just zooming out and I'm going, compared to the experiences that most people have on earth, okay? If you were to have a museum of great lives, now I don't mean great in the sense of like

they dedicated their lives to making the world a better place, but just great lives like where you look at their life. Oh, shit. That's awesome. Donald Trump, OJ Simpson, people like Cardi B, who was a fucking stripper, was drugging people in Miami, some fucking guy that looked like me in a hotel room exactly like this, waking up going where the fuck's my fucking gold card, you know, and Cardi B was fucking cutting lines with it by the pool.

And now, you know, she's, you know, has had the number one song. I mean, these are wild lives. Jeffrey Epstein. Jeffrey Epstein, you want to talk about a life? Let's talk about a life for a minute, okay? Ran an international sex trafficking ring, a minor for children, you know, not for children. He was not for children. With children.

He ran an international pedophile ring, sex trafficking ring, and he had some of the most wealthy, you know, famous and wealthy people. The guy had multiple residences, multiple properties, had connections, had access, maybe worked for the CIA or the Mossad. Nobody knows. I will, I will say this about Epstein though. What I will say is like, oh, you idiots that are like, oh, we worked for the Mossad. Yeah, it's very possible he worked for the Mossad.

But are you telling me and the, you know, the observer wrote some article about this where they're like, well, you know, I bet it's, you know, CIA wouldn't tolerate this. He's, he's working. He was a spy, but we don't know what, you know, who he was spying for. We don't know who he was, so you're telling me, you're telling me that Jeffrey Epstein is compromising high level US politicians, people from all over the world. He's working with the Mossad and the CIA has no fucking clue. A bunch of fat guys in Ohio with Wi-Fi who can get on Reddit seem to have a pretty good

idea, but the central intelligence agency has just got no fucking idea of what Jeffrey Epstein is doing. How stupid do you have to be to believe that? You know, anything to let this country off the hook. Anything, any logical job, these people will jump through fucking hoops to just let this country off the hook and go, well, no, this is not, this is not our intelligence people. Our intelligence people are saving us from bad guys all over the world. They're not participating in this.

They wouldn't dare. I mean, but that's the thing, man. I regret what I said. It was unfortunate. You got to move on. You got to get rid of friends. You got to get rid of close friends. You have to cancel your friends and family.

It's so easy to cancel a stranger. So many people are like, oh, let's cancel this celebrity. You know, let's, how about, how about, no, cancel your father. How about that? Okay. You want to be a tough guy? Cancel someone you love and you care about, but you realize they're not loving and serving you.

That's what you need. You need people in your life that love you, but are also willing to serve you. Do you think I'm wrong about that? No, no. I mean, it's, it's funny to just say out loud, you know, I don't know why it's funny to say out loud. I think because people, a lot of people believe truly that they are worth nothing and they're correct.

And those people are, you know, people are, they have a slave mentality, you know, that's why like, I believe we should all have health insurance, but the reason I don't get on board with socialism is because like, I'd look at people out there and I go, I don't really want to be associated with a lot of them. I feel like a lot of them shouldn't be here, but they are. And I don't mean in America, I mean on earth. And I just, I believe we should all have health insurance. I think we should all have some kind of social safety net, but I don't, I don't like collectivism.

I don't embrace collectivism because I feel like many of the people on the planet simply shouldn't be their accidents, their biological accidents that are here. They're breathing and they're taking up space and they're consuming resources. But what do they generate? They're not generating anything, you know, and then people say, oh, that's inhuman, blah, blah, blah, go scratch, you know, it just, we need to go back to the times of radical individualism, where the way I feel radical individualism is a concept where you would radically be an individual.

And it would, if you're really being an individual, you won't have a lot of friends. Your social circle will shrink if you start doing and saying the things you want. Don't worry. You will not get invited to places if you just put it out there. The more and more you keep it in and you bottle it in, the more and more people are going to have you come because they want you to sit around and be like, oh, wait a minute, you're going to Enguila? Did you go to Enguila?

I was so nice. I was so like, but if you go out there and you, you, you say things like, you know, why can't I fuck my cousin? Or you say things like, you know, I don't, I don't know why, but there's something comforting about OJ. There's something in his eyes that feels at peace. If you say that in mixed company, OJ's eyes are at Pete. When you look at him, he feels like he's at peace.

If you say things like that, the invitations are going to dry up. Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. You don't have to go along with everyone's horseshit. Find somebody to fuck, get a pet, have a friend or two, and then move the fuck on. Enough. Enough with cocktails after work. Nobody needs that.

Getting around with a bunch of people, get out, get away, leave society. And I think, I believe this is a message that many people don't because everything is collective now. Everything's based on like, but nobody really feels that way. Everybody's pretending to care about other people, but nobody really does in their life because they all go on Twitter and talk about how important it is that everybody has healthcare, but then their parents are rotting in some home, or they haven't called their brother in eight months, or they don't really give a shit about their nephews or nieces, or they're

barely good to the people that live in their surrounding area, their neighbors. They just, they don't care, but they put on this idea that they give a fuck about other people. No, I think it is very empowering and liberating to get out there and say, I believe that we shouldn't be fucked by these large corporations. We should have, you know, kids should have food, you know? They should. Not a lot of it.

Not too much. That's the right amount. You give them a nutritious meal. They'd still be hungry. Here's the thing with all these kids that are hungry. If you gave them a nutritious meal, they'd still be hungry. Like, if you gave a kid vegetables and a meat, they would still go to bed hungry with a headache like I do because they don't, they didn't get to have a whole cupcake the size of a

basketball because that's what they're all used to. A lot of these kids are just used to eating fucking fun dip and, you know, ketchup milkshakes. And then remember Michelle Obama, Michelle Obama tried to get these kids eat healthy. There was a literal riot. There was a riot because she was like, how about you eat healthy? And then because kids start going insane because food and addiction to sugar, which a lot of people in this country have, I have it. If I don't have sugar, and this is why I'm trying to cut it out, but I get headaches.

I start getting angry at people irrationally. As you're getting angry at people that I haven't seen in forever, I just, I start wishing horrible things happen to them. Ending friendships. Yes. But I also like, I'll lay in bed sometimes and I'll, I'll imagine someone getting killed. I'll imagine all the different ways that someone could die and it's all, and then I'll have a slice of, uh, flourless chocolate cake and I'll go, that guy's not a bad guy.

Really? It's not that bad of a guy, but I will spend an inordinate amount of time imagining them dying and, and, and being like, yeah, that's good because I think when you, when you detox from sugar and you start working out, I, I did the treadmill the other day. You got to up your levels of compassion because when you're a fat slob, it's very easy to just have compassion because you're like, I'm a fat slob and everyone else is a fat slob. And I don't care and I don't require anything, but if you're an in-shape fit person and you care about yourself, you walk around the world and sometimes you look at people that aren't

caring about themselves. And I don't mean necessarily only in looks, but I mean like, in any way, and you just get angry at them. And you're like, these people don't have the level of discipline that I have. It's very, and it makes you angry. You know, that's why a lot of people, that's why a lot of those people that are in shape are like dicks because they're, because they're right that, you know, I mean, it just is what it is.

It's like, so you got to do something that opens up your fucking, you know, ability to be compassionate. You don't really do anything to stay in shape. We're not really in shape. We're just thin. I just take long walks. I just kind of aimlessly wander around. I don't do anything like on purpose.

Do you ever see yourself as like a fit guy, like getting in the gym, building it up? I just, I hate changing out of clothes to go get sweaty and then have to take a shower and get back in regular clothes and all that shit. I hate it. Yeah. I mean, it is a, it is a, it is a whole lifestyle that you have to, like you do have to really just go wholeheartedly into, you have to get addicted to it. You got to get addicted.

Yeah. You have to make it where it's like, I feel terrible if I don't run five miles. It's true, man. A lot of people do like a lot of people, you know, if they don't exercise, they feel like they, they haven't changed their clothes. They haven't showered. They feel like they haven't brushed their teeth. They feel incomplete.

You know, I want to be one of those people. I want to feel like that. I want to have that relationship with my body. You know, I feel like once I lose weight, I'll get cancer. I feel like that. Like once, once my body, once I lose weight, I'll immediately get cancer because my body won't know. What's going on?

This is how powerful sugar is. Sometimes like sugar will say in my own head, it'll go, I'm the only thing keeping you alive. And I'll believe it. I'll be like, you're probably right. Like sugar will go, if you get rid of me, you're dead. You're not going to exist anymore. That's how tough it is, man. It's tough to change behavior.

It's one of the hardest things in the world to do to change your behavior. You know, it's very tough. And that's why people don't succeed at what they want to do is because they're unable to say to themselves, I have to change and in order, and once I change, I got to kick all these people in my life out that haven't changed. And that's unfortunate, you know, but you got, I mean, you got to do it. It's like when you're a drug addict and you get sober, you don't go to a crack house. Can you imagine that?

Imagine a sober guy still hanging out at the crack house. Just looks nice. It's got new clothes, feels good. He just shows up to the crack house like, Hey guys, what are you doing? They're like, we're smoking a rock. That's what we do. And you sit on the couch like, Yeah, I remember that. And you're still trying to talk to them as they fucking, they're all cracked out and

twitching. Yeah. You know, you're blending the money. You're drinking milk. Just trying to talk about the weather glass of milk. You're like, you guys want to go to a movie. They're like, what? No, we want to smoke more crack.

You don't want to go to a movie. We don't want to change. You've changed. I'll get the fuck out of here. Stop showing us what it's like on the other side. That's the thing. Kick them out. The people that aren't changing with you, you know, I mean, I don't know what to say.

Mary and Williamson, man, she's hip to all this shit. She gets it. She fucking gets it, man. Mary and Williamson is fun to watch because I like, I like the archetype of woman that she is, is somebody that I've met over and over again in my life. It's the mom who lets you smoke pot in her house. Yeah. But she'll also corner you and tell you about a ghost that she dated for a summer.

You know, it's the mom that'll talk about her spirit guides, you know, while she sells you weed. That's the mom. Yeah. She just gets fucked up. And when she's having a good day, she's talking about spirits and, you know, but when she's having a bad day, man, she's just spitting and cursing. Mary and Williamson, when she's having a bad day is just walking around a beach screaming

at seagulls screaming at birds because that's the other side of spirituality. People don't realize that. But once you're really open and you're letting everything in and you're having the full range of human experiences, once you really start to do that, there's also some real darkness that comes along with that as there should be. And, you know, we haven't seen that out of Mary and Williamson, but I would certainly like to. Oh, I'd love to.

I would love to see her just smoke and crack, you know. She is interesting though. She seems like if she was president and like Mercury was in retrograde, she'd give her everybody like paid vacation time, you know, like we all get the month off. She'd have an astrology based foreign policy. Yeah, exactly. And good for her, man. I'm with it.

I'm with rich white bitches talking nonsense. And I've always been with that. It's fun. They're fun to be around high. It's fun to be around people that have never set foot on planet Earth. It is so fun to be around people that have never set foot on planet Earth. They have no fucking idea of what they're talking about. Yeah, there was a great Woody Allen movie called Everybody Says I Love You and it's a musical

and Goldie Hawn plays this, you know, Upper East Side Park Avenue liberal or Upper West Side wherever they live. They live in this, you know, very wealthy area in Manhattan. And she does. There's this great scene where she's giving a speech to the NYPD and she's like these prisoners need to design their own cells with European decorators, you know, and she goes into this whole thing and then they invite a guy that just gets out of prison to their house for a dinner party.

And it's just, it's great. I'm not saying that Mary Ann Williamson's wrong about a lot of shit. I bet she's right about a lot. You know, she's talking about dark psychic forces and everything like that. Sure. But this Maddochean sense of good and evil that we need to shove everything into is terribly childish, you know. This is like Lord of the Rings stuff.

This isn't a rational way to approach the problems that we have by her being like, there's a dark psychic force coming from the red states and the blue states need to harness the power of the crystal. It's like, no bitch. What we need to do is figure out what to do with the 60% of the workforce. It's going to be fucking irrelevant very soon. These problems are larger than just the reactions to them. Okay.

It's not just about psychic forces and good and evil. It's not the never ending story. This is a comp, there's complex issues that where the answers are not inherently political. I don't believe that. I believe the answers are going to be, maybe they're going to come out of the tech space or they're going to come with new technology or they're going to come with, you know, I don't believe that somebody in Washington is going to be like, well, I figured it out. Because if you look at all the advancements and all the things that have changed your

life, a lot of them have been not political. They've been technological. They've been, you know, cultural. So I understand what Williamson is saying. She's like, let's not focus on these policy wonks. She said in the debate, you know, because Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren are very, you know, committed to plans and proposals, which is all necessary. And when what Marion Williamson is saying is like, Hey man, it's about more than that.

She's right. But what's not about is drawing a line around a group of people and saying they're a dark psychic force. It's just not helpful. It's not helpful. Marianne, you know, I know what you're trying to do. She's like, the racism and the bigotry. This is a drunk white chick at a party whose husband goes, haven't you had enough?

And she's like, no, the racism and the bigotry. She goes, I was a dancer. I was a dancer as a girl. When I danced, people said I was like a bird on the stage. They go, Marianne, Marianne, honey, why don't you eat something? And she goes, I'm not hungry. There's so much racism and bigotry, there's a dark psychic force coming. And we need to fight it with the energy and the water.

I keep telling my husband about the energy, you know, and he's got to, he's got to look at his daughter and go, Lissy, your mother's a psychopath, you know? She loves you, but she's mentally ill. And Marion Williamson, that's why, you know, the millennials love her and younger people love her because she's a lot of fun. That's why we like Trump because he's fun. People that have real ideas to solving our problems now, we don't even pay attention to them.

Yes. We're like, oh, gay. We kind of just want, because it's an acceptance of, and I'm not going to, I'm just going to spend a minute on this, folks, because I know people get upset, but it's an acceptance of, we know we're at the end now. We know that whatever's coming next will not be human. Right. We're good.

Whatever's coming next will be post-humane. This is the last dance of humanity. So we're just bringing in the characters, sending the clowns, you know? And I'm all for that. This is the last stand that we're making. Let's have fun. Let's have it be entertaining. Right.

Have her win. I hope she wins. I hope she wins. And there's a seance in the Oval Office, and everybody's got Harry Potter wands and roll wave in them at each other. Who gives a fuck? We're in too deep. Math is not getting us out of this potentially.

Who cares? Yeah. I'm all for her, man. I love that archetype of person. A white, privileged woman who's full of shit. I've gotten a lot of great drugs from these women. They have the best pills. They got good fucking drugs.

And they care about everybody, except they don't want anyone in their yard or home, you know? Take these racism and bigotry to poached eggs, please, Josefina, to poached eggs. Make sure they're properly poached this time. I don't want to have to hit you again. The racism and the bigotry, she was talking about Flint and she was talking about the other place. I forget where she lives.

She's like, what happened in Flint would not have happened in my neighborhood, which is true and tragic, but it was just funny. Just this recognition, you know, right? What happened in Flint? We need to change things. I'm like, we do. We absolutely do. And Flint is a fucking disaster, but I'm all for it, man.

Bring her on. Yeah. Is it helpful that she's says, you know, half of the country's demons? Probably not. But who gives a fuck? That's that Hillary deplorables thing. Yeah. I mean, Trump's the president.

Do whatever you have to do to get, get rid of him. I think there's, there's something to what she's saying is this is Maddo can sense a good and evil. Everybody wants to be fighting a war. I don't know why everybody now can't find meaning in anything except combat. That's an interesting thing to think about. Why can't anyone find any meaning unless it's combative, unless you're beating someone else? It's not about you.

It's not about individualism. That's what we talked about before. It's not about, you know, you do, you know, only you only, the only person you're fighting is yourself. You know, you got to beat the record that you say it's none of that's none of that. We've destroyed that. Everything's about, we've got to combat something. There's some outside influence that we need to fight.

Every part of life is not political, which is what leads you to totalitarianism, by the way. If everything is political, what then happens is you have this, you know, population of people that's completely incapable of seeing anything outside of the lens of politics. And then you lead yourself pretty quickly to a situation where you have the state, you know, with his boot on your neck and everything, whether it's art or everything in the public sphere, everything is message driven. They're all political messages and it's fucking creepy, man.

It becomes North Korea. It's like, nobody wants to live in that. You look at every movie review, every album, everything, everybody's trying to inject politics into everything. People don't know where this goes. They don't know where it leads, you know, I think it just leads to a place where the public sphere is just polluted with these empty political messages that suck, you know, that's okay because I'll just be smoking crack of Marianne Williams and OJ.

Why are these people in our lives? Why is OJ Simpson in our lives? Is he here to teach us something? Seriously. He's a fascinating person. I want to get him on the show and I know a lot of people will be mad at me, but the people that'll be mad at me for having him on the show will be people that are mad that he killed a woman.

They don't care about Ron Goldman. They don't give a shit. If he only killed Ron Goldman, he'd have a show right now on VH1, okay? But because he killed his wife, all the female comics that have kind of yelled at me for tweeting about him will be angry that he's on the show. No one cares about the Jewish man. Yeah. Damn right.

Yeah. I'll tell you this, folks. I'm meeting Edinburgh right now, bombing, good for you. I'm a big supporter of people taking their horrible acts and inflicting them on another country. I'm a huge supporter of that and spending an inordinate amount of money to bomb for 30 days straight in the Scottish Highlands. Good for you.

They don't cover any of the expenses to go. Not when you're a loser. And I'm not talking to established people that are killing it over there. I'm talking to the people that think it's a good idea because they've been bombing in New York and LA. They think maybe it's a good idea to go perform on the moor in Scotland. That's going to change everything. No, it ain't.

No, it ain't. Okay? I've had enough. British comedy is different. They have a one-man show. They want a story arc. It's not just stand-up. They want an arc.

They want it to say something, beginning, middle, and an end. They want it to have infrastructure, like a show. One of the best clubs I ever performed in was the stand in Glasgow, Scotland, because it's a theater. Comedy there has its basis in theater. Comedy in America has its basis in circuses, depression-era tent carnivals, and then eventually mafia-owned lounges and nightclubs. Stand-up comedy was kind of invented by the mafia.

Just another thing to put in the lounge while people were drinking. So America is more rough and tumble. The jokes are shorter. It's in and out. Britain, you get more space. There's long periods without laughter, and people are really into that, which I kind of appreciate to an extent. I like the way that we do it here personally, but I can appreciate the way that they do

it there, too. And when you go to the stand in Glasgow, there's no drink service in the room. So the host will come on for 20 minutes, then you go up and you do 20. Host will come back on and do another 15, 20, and then somebody else comes up. Host will come back on, and then if you're headlining, you'll go up. But the show's like two hours long, and there's 50 intermissions after each act. People go drink at the bar, then they come back. So their full attention is on you.

Now, I'm in San Diego, and I'm performing last night, and I hear people going like, What is that? I have cranberry in it. Is that cranberry? And I'm like, Hey, I'm up here trying to do something. Can you shut up? But that's, you know, we're in the United States. So I'm kind of a fan of the idea of you go get hammered and then just sit the fuck down

with your drinks and watch the show. Yeah, I like that. You know, there's something really I like about that, and there's something interesting about it. But it would just feel like a freedom being taken away from Americans, though, if they were if that was to happen here, we'd be upset by that. Yeah, people have panic attacks if the waiter doesn't come to their table, because people need to know that a chicken finger will be delivered to their mouth, unless they'll have

a panic attack. They won't be able to concentrate if their blood sugar is dropping. They want to know that they can get a chicken finger in their mouth, and they need to get some booze, you know, it all goes back, man, rugged individualism. If you look, I mean, some people that listen to this show, I'm so proud of the way they live their lives. I sometimes I'll follow them back on Instagram and I see them, and they've only got a few pictures up and it's just them and their cat, or them in the woods with a gun.

And I say, I'm so proud of them. I'm so proud that they've accepted that life is solitary, and that they really should be accountable only to themselves, and I'm very proud of them. Sometimes people that follow me have these large groups of friends and they're always going on vacation, and I see through that, I know what it is, stop it, be like the man with three photos, one of an emaciated cat, and one of him in the woods with a gun, and the quote, I'm ready. I don't know what he's ready for, but he says, I'm ready.

It's probably, I don't know, you know, but that to me, you know, just a nice quote. This is I'm ready. It's a guy in the woods with a gun. He's just waiting. We're in like the weird calm before the storm, you know, because there's not going to be a storm. There is no war, you know, the world will end in a very like, it'll be just be long and drawn out.

Things will just get worse and worse and worse, little by little. Trump gets elected again. You think he starts a war? It's hard to say if he starts a war or not. I mean, John Bolton's in there really trying to push Iran, the neocons never really gave up power. They're just morph. And by the way, neocon, neoliberal, it's all the same thing.

It's just war profiteers. That's who they are. So when Bush left the office, they grabbed John Brennan and they grabbed, you know, people that were influential in the CIA and people that were influential in the Defense Department, and they pushed, you know, what they always push, eternal conflict, okay? And then Obama's out, now Trump's in. So they start sending in people and they have Kushner's ear because Kushner's probably a little bit more sympathetic to some of their causes to Trump.

So and he just may be, I guess, you know, somewhat more agreeable than Trump as a personality. So they're kind of going to Ivanka, going to Jared, and you know, John Bolton is in there. There are people in there that are, they just want more war and more war and that seems to be, and again, a lot of it is, these are people whose bottom line is, you know, affected greatly by how much conflict there is on this planet. So the more that there is, the more money that they make. And so in order to justify that in their own heads, and I've spoke to some of these people,

they tend to believe that without America inserting itself into every problem, the world would be much worse off. And that's where they all go to sleep at night by saying, we're the American Empire. These people don't have the self-awareness, like, you'd almost imagine that they'd be like yucking it up, like, I can't believe it. We got ourselves in another war, like, that's not the way they believe. They actually believe very much in, after the fall of the Soviet Union, they believe that America being the only superpower has a responsibility to impose, you know, you know, law on the

rest of the planet. And but that law, what that law really is, is protecting American trade routes and protecting American markets for American goods and services, and protecting multinational corporations. You know, we're not talking about law like freedom of speech and freedom of association and the rule of law and things like that that are all, you know, a positive to try to introduce into a society. We're not talking about that. We're talking about the ability of American businesses and multinational corporations

to do whatever the fuck they want, which is why they all hate these countries that don't allow that Russia, North Korea, and obviously North Korea is a contemptible state. Russia does a lot of fucked up things. But the reason that we like Saudi Arabia, for example, there are pals, they come for the barbecue, there's Prince Bandar eating queue with the bushes. This pork is so tender. They are lobbing the heads off of gay people over there. They're chopping off hands.

They're beating women with sticks. We don't care. And their leaders come over here to have a ho down. They're having a ho down with the bushes. But we look at Vladimir Putin like he's Voldemort. And the reason for that is because we're eating with Saudi Arabia. We're making money with them. It is what it is, folks.

I'm tired of explaining. You should know that. It doesn't mean you have to hate America. I love America. America is a great country. We've done some fucked up shit, but I don't think America is the CIA. I think America is, you know, these retards in San Diego that all bought tickets to come see my show.

They're eating guacamole and watching Seals Fuck, you know. I think America is my producer, Ben, you know, good looking, but brain dead person who literally walks around, doesn't know where he is half the time, you know, he's good looking and stupid. Is there a better combination to be, by the way? That's what San Diego is. Good looking, stupid people have it all, okay, because they don't know what they don't know. Being good looking, you're connected with your body, you're like, oh, here's my big

dick and I'm good looking and blah, blah, blah, and you don't have to really think too deeply about anything else because that gets in the way, you know, really does. I mean, I'm very excited to do an episode coming up at the end of August where we're going to teach kids in school how to be popular because many kids are not popular in school and they're therefore going in and shooting these schools up or they're, you know, going even worse, joining an improv troupe or something. So what we're going to try to do is we're going to try to basically put together a, you know, just a little checklist for kids that are in high school or college to more

so high school. College doesn't really matter, high school matters. Everything you be in life will be decided in high school, college really doesn't matter. I mean, this is another lie. It's like, oh, the losers in high school become really cool people in college. No, that's not the way it works. Losers in high school, for the most part, stay losers their entire lives and the people that aren't losers in high school are like, oh, yeah, but how's your bully doing now?

He's the CEO of a Fortune 500 company. Okay. But why do we get these but, but it's because, you know, everything's written by the nerds and the losers. So they write all these things where it's like, oh, the ugly girl gets taught and, you know, he's a Peace Corps and falls in love with a guy. Shut up. It doesn't fucking happen.

You know? So we're going to teach people and it's about being an individual and it's about not giving a fuck about people. And I don't mean not giving a fuck about people. I mean not caring what people think about you, but you got, but you also do have to care what they think about you. It's very interesting. I'm going to go, I'm going to give a lot of advice.

It sounds like double talk, but that's because you're too stupid to understand it. Okay. You kids out there. Because it's all about caring and not caring. And if you don't even know what that is, well, then you need to listen to the episode. Were you popular in high school? Yeah. I was a decent amount.

Okay. The answer is no. And you don't, and there's nothing wrong with that. I made a great journey. I was unpopular in ninth grade. I started to come out of my shell in 10th grade, 11th grade. I started, you know, feeling myself at 12th grade. I was nominated for homecoming king and I was one of the most popular people that had

ever attended Holy Trinity diocese in high school at Hicksville, Long Island, New York, right where Billy Joel wrote that song, The Village Green, it's right about where I went to high school. Remember those days hanging out by The Village Green? Yeah, we do because they were phenomenal. And when I learned, I learned a lot of lessons about popularity and that number one, it's the most important thing on earth. Okay.

It is more important than honor, character, love. It is the most important thing. Having other people like you is literally everything. If everyone hates you, you can be the most honorable person in the world. When you die, history is just going to say that you were a pedophile and that you beat your wife because everyone hated you. So don't be a dick. Don't be a dick when things are going bad.

A lot of people, when things are going bad in their career, they're a dick and then when, I'm sorry, when things are going good in their career, they're a dick and then when things turn around and they start to go bad, then they're like, well, you know, I just, I'm really grateful and I really love everyone as, I love the community and it's like, well, you didn't really feel that way when you were doing well. Then it didn't go the way you thought it was going to go. And now you're back giving everybody hugs. Everybody sees through that.

So don't be one of those people. If you're going to be a dick, be a dick old. I respect people that are pieces of shit the whole way through. Things are good. Things are bad. They're dicks. Some of my favorite people in the world have tortured me in and out mercilessly. Okay.

They're dicks. Things went well. They were dicks. I'm one of my old bosses who I love. Things were good. He was a dick. He did well. He was a dick.

He did bad. He was a dick. He was always a dick. Okay. And you got used to that because he wouldn't give you an inch. I respect people like that. What I don't respect is people who like, you know, turn it on, turn on the nice when they're, you know, flailing around barely able to survive their heads above water barely.

They're drowning. Their mouth can stick out of the ocean and they can take brats and go, and then apparently then somebody swims next to them and then they're nice. Then they're nice. Hey, is there room in your raft? But when they're doing well and they're cutting through the water and they're swimming and they got it, if somebody comes near them, they're like, get the fuck away from me. Be like that all the time.

You know? Yeah. You know? I mean, that's the reality. I'm nice to people all the time. I care about people. I do. Why are you like, I'm nice to people.

I'm very nice to people. You are. You are. I'm not a dick to people. I just don't. What I don't see, here's what I get, and this is why people think I'm not nice. I don't tolerate people's mental illness. Like I won't, like if somebody's telling me they're doing something and they're not doing

it, I'll be like, I don't, I don't find that to be the case. Like I had somebody the other day took me out to dinner and goes, well, not took me out, but we were having dinner and they go, do you think I'm on the right track? In comedy. And I went, no, no. So now that's a dick thing, right? That's dick. But I view it as being actually nice to the person because they're not on the right track.

And if I was telling them that they were on the right track, that would be me kind of then, then five years when nothing's worked out, that person should have the right to come back to me and hit me with a bat. They should be able to be like, well, you told me I was on the right track. Right. No, I was very honest with the person. I'm like, no, you don't have really anything going on. Social media wise, you're not really trying.

You don't have a podcast. Like all the ways that people are finding people, you're not doing any of that shit. You got to do that. And, but it's jarring for him to hear because his face, like he didn't expect that answer. He expected me because everyone else is like, yeah, man, you know, you're doing it. You're doing it. No, I'm doing it. No, you're not not doing anything.

Somebody's got to tell you that. People have to tell you reality. You're being nice by saving them time, basically. He asked me, I wouldn't go up to and tell him that out of nowhere, although I have, probably, um, I'm sure I have, but I wouldn't tell him if he didn't ask me because I've been told that people have told me, you're not as good as you think you are. You got to wait this opportunity.

You think you want, you don't want to, you got to wait. It's never nice thing to hear. It's always a hard thing to hear. But if you cannot hear hard shit, you're not going to get anywhere. People's inability to take criticism is one of the reasons that they don't progress because you need to be able to just kind of swallow it, take the criticism and go, okay, yeah, I agree with some of that. I don't agree with it, but just the exercise and like taking the feedback,

taking the rejection, taking whatever it is. And then going, okay, I'm going to go to the next level is what it is. It doesn't necessarily mean that they're always going to be right about it. You're going to take a lot of criticism. That's not valid if you're trying to get somewhere. And that's okay too. You know, I just want to smoke crack with Mary Ann Williamson. You know, the confidence of a white girl on cocaine in the suburbs is like

nothing you've ever seen. A white chick driving around a Honda Civic, a white Honda Civic, coked out of a bird, smoking newports on her cell phone, the confidence level. You know, also a very, a very high archetype of person that people don't realize, fat girl with a very clean car. This is a archetype of person. A lot of fat girls cannot stop shoving food in that they can, they have lost control of their own body.

They cannot stop eating. So they make sure that their environments are immaculate. They're very clean. Right. And I've had many of these friends, the fat girl with a very clean car. Yeah, it's a total thing. Their car is so immaculately clean. It's like there was never food in it.

It was like, it doesn't smell like food, but you know that there had to be food. You look at the girl and she's pouring out of the front seat and you go, there's been food. Why doesn't it smell like french fries? Every now and then you would get my car and you'd see a little perfectly diced tomato that fell off a Mexican pizza, just a little diced tomato sitting there on the dashboard. But you will never see that with the fat girl with a very clean car. You will smell beautiful perfumes.

It will be very nice. She'll have maybe track lighting when you sit down. There'll be a pleasant aroma. Even as the car pulls up, you'll be like, wow, her hair will be neatly back. Her hair will be neatly back scrunched up in a ponytail. She'll always have new clothes on. You'll get in the car. You'll be, even if it's a shitty little car, it'll be so beautiful and immaculate.

And you'll be looking around because you'll look at the girl and you'll expect that there'd be like a bucket of fried chicken in the back. You know? But no, maybe, maybe some gum, but only in a compartment where gum should be. Right. Okay? Okay? Fat girls never show you themselves eating, ever.

But there's a lot of... This is a specific type of fat girl. This isn't a normal fat girl. This is the fat girl with a clean car. This is a mythological beast that does exist. Who drives around Long Island, drives around New Jersey. She always gives everyone rides. She's always has that car.

She'll pick you up and drop you off. She doesn't feel that connected to you. She feels like she's in her own world. She's driving around. She's always got a hot friend. He's like, hi, hi. And that hot friend's a mess. And that hot friend is another archetype.

The hot girl with the disgusting car. Right. Very hot girl, but there's empty bottles of perfume and vials of crack in the back seat and dogs and cats and monopoly pieces. It's just a mess. She's got a prom dress and 25 pairs of shoes, but not the fat girl. Not the fat girl with a clean car. That girl, at the end of the night, she drops you off at your house.

You give her a quick kiss. She says, thanks. Good to see you. She's always funny. She's always personable, but not overboard. Not so much. There's a type of fat girl that's always pining for approval. This is not that girl.

This is the fat girl with a clean car. It's got to really dance on the head of the pin here. This is a very specific type of human being. And if you have experience with the Fat Girl with a clean car, you'll never forget it. You'll never forget how fat she was or how clean that car was because both of them are amazing. And she had an interesting type of fat. It was like hard fat. It wasn't gelatinous, like fun fat to play with.

Like a lava lamp that was constantly rearranging itself. It was a hard shell fat, like someone had poured magic shell on it. It was like one of those desserts. You ever see on Instagram a dessert you hit with a spoon and then it opens up and then goo pours out like some chocolate goo? That's was the body type of the Fat Girl with a clean car. Just a big hard shell. And you knew inside there was goodness.

It was whipped cream or chocolate ganache. But you couldn't tell. You couldn't smell any food. You never saw any food. And she just picked you up and dropped you off. Sometimes she didn't even look like she was having fun. She barely spoke. She barely spoke.

She would go to the beach with all the other hot girls and stand there. And every now and then you would say something to her. And then she would say something back to you like, yeah, really? That's really all she said. She would go, yeah, really? And then you get back in her beautiful car. That is a person that I miss. And a person I don't know if I'll ever see again.

Because we've taken fat and made it into this mainstream thing. And we've made everybody feel good about their bodies. Well, I mean, that's good for people, I guess. But what happens? What happens to the Fat Girl with the clean car? What happens to that very distinct, very specific human being who said very little and just drove a clean car? Does that person disappear?

Do they go extinct? I don't know. That's something I wanted to discuss. I stand, Marianne Williams. Oh, let me explain this. I am in a bed in a hotel. And we tried to do the podcast upstairs. They have like a pool and everything.

But the problem is there's a wedding going on at five and they have to do some work. We're here at the Ondas in San Francisco. Shout out to the Ondas. San Diego. San Diego, right. I'm sorry. San Diego. Timbillincomedy.com for all your needs.

For all your needs. I've got a lot of cool dates coming up. Just go to the website, check it out. I put them all up on Instagram. Good nights, North Carolina, August 22nd to the 24th. I'm back east for some shows in the fall. Tim J. Dillon, DI, LLON on Instagram and Twitter. Devin, what's going on?

YouTube.com slash Devin Costa, D-E-V-A-N. I have a podcast on iTunes. Hate that you love it with Devin Costa and Twitter at Devin Costa. You know, folks. I don't know what to tell you, you know? You're like Willy Wonka's grandfather right now. Uncle Joe, he's the best person in that fucking... How much did that movie suck, by the way?

No, that was kind of fun. I liked Willy Wonka. Such a silly movie. No, I mean, it was good. I liked Willy Wonka, but I didn't like the message it sent. And the message it sent. It was that everything's about luck, it's not, okay? Everything's not about luck.

The golden ticket, the Charlie happened to get. Because why? Grandpa Joe's like, we're going to go down there and you're going to get one. Then what happened? They didn't want to let Charlie in, right? Why didn't they want to let him in? Do you remember Ben?

I think he was late. Was he late? It was something like that. And then Grandpa Joe pushed his way in. I think Grandpa Joe only gets up to go inside when he comes back home with the golden ticket, right? Isn't there the moment where he finally gets up to go? I don't know.

Somebody gets Charlie in the ticket. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. Somebody gets Charlie in that factory. Candy is so dumb, too. That's the other thing. Candy's stupid. I want to do Willy Wonka and Timmy in the ice cream factory where at the end, and he gives the whole factory to Charlie again,

Charlie doesn't know anything about running a factory. He's white trash from Britain. Okay? You think he's going to do a good job? You think he knows about margins on chocolate? You fucking goofy freak. No. Sell it to a corporation.

You built a fucking brand. You could get some real money. Don't leave it on the fucking table. You're giving it some kid. Hello, I'm Charlie. I'm running the factory now. Shut up. It gives people this idea that everything's about luck.

It's not about luck. It's about dealing with whatever you can get away with, folks. If you see somebody, hit him with a stick. Keep on going. That's what it's all about. You know? I mean, I would vote for the person who got out and said, do what you can get away with.

Cheat on your taxes. Cheat on your wife. You live once. Why is OJ simp? I just want to go back to this. Why would I look in OJ's eyes? Do I see the peace of just a beautiful lake upon? I mean, does anyone else feel this and is confused by it?

Is he innocent? Somebody hugged me at my show the other day. They're like, I like that you did a Michael Jackson joke, but you know he innocent. I'm like, yeah, I'm with you. I'm with you. Thanks for buying this ticket. Yo, he innocent.

You know, when somebody says that, you know what I want to say to them? I want to look right at them and whisper in their ear. Hey, don't tell anybody. So is Hitler. He's innocent, too. Wouldn't it be good if she was like, yeah, I know. I know. Goodbye.

Bye.