The Tim Dillon Show - 162: 162 - Assland

Episode Date: August 25, 2019

The Patreon is up! Link below! This week Tim broadcasts from the garage at 2 in the morning to talk about Songland, a funny idea he pitched with Mullen that got rejected, and yet another altercation at Swinger's Diner. It's war now. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hi, I'm Timmy the Trash Cam, and I love trash. Popcorn boxes, pops, and candy wrappers. They all taste so good. Instead of throwing your trash on the floor, won't you please give it to me? Thank you for considering your fellow patrons. Good evening, everybody. There is no video for this episode. I apologize, everybody, on YouTube. Go watch Two Dope Queens if you don't want to listen, if you don't want to watch. I apologize. I got to go to Raleigh, North Carolina tomorrow. I got to fly out at 10am at a LAX. I had a set tonight at the comedy store. It was a lot of fun. There was a woman in the crowd, and I said, hey, I do a joke about being sober. I said, how long have you been sober? She goes

five months. I said, why did you get sober? And she goes, well, I put myself in a wheelchair. So that brought the mood down considerably, quite a bit. But I am an expert at what I do. I brought it right back up. We had a hell of a good fucking time. It was one of the best sets I've had in LA, probably the best set I had at the store. But the result of that is it is now... What time is it, Ben? 12.46am. It's 12.46am. This is when we do our best work. It's 12.46am. We can't sit on the porch at 1am and scream and yell on the porch, because Ben has neighbors, and they think they have jobs, these people, which counts. They believe they have jobs. They probably go somewhere and do something. Ben's out. Ben's not in LA, so these people actually

might have jobs. This is not... We're not in the part of Hollywood where people are really delusional. We're out here with real people, real families, losers, pretty much. People that just... I was trying to talk shit with a friend today, and they didn't hate the right people. So many people don't even know who to hate, especially people that are bitter and resentful, which is many of the people I know. But they don't even hate the right people. They don't even know who to hate. And you got to tell them, like, you're wasting your time hating these people. Hate these people. I'm not telling you... Like, I was in a meeting today with my agents in LA, and I'm sitting there, and I was complaining to them. I go, you know, it's kind of depressing

for comedy fans, people that enjoy comedy with the climate right now, because we see a lot of stuff out there, whether it's late night TV, whether it's political talk shows, that we don't find funny. Like, if you're a fan of comedy, you don't find it funny. And they're like, you know, one of my agents was like, well, we could point out the deficit in the market, or we could speak to the deficit in the money. He said, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. I want to speak to the deficit in the market. Would any of the accounting departments at the networks like to speak to me? Would they like to speak to me? And we could all talk. Yeah, I'm fully prepared to speak to the deficit in the market, along with thousands of other funny people who get told to

go fuck themselves all the time, constantly. We're all... No, we don't want to just point it out. We're here to work. We've showed up to work. We're here. We're ready to go. You know? Do you... Am I telling these people to go fuck off? No. It's just nobody has any guts. Nobody has any balls. And yeah, maybe you're listening to this. You're like, that doesn't really affect me. Oh, man. Shut up. Cares. It's your entertainment too that sucks out there. That's milktoes crap. That's garbage. You know? You got to sit through this shit. And you don't really... And you don't... You turn it off and you come listening to things like this. You watch it. And that's good. I'm happy about that. The show's grown tremendously. I'm happy that people

are contributing to the Patreon. We're still making funny videos. We're pushing the envelope. We're trying to get people to laugh and fuck that shit, to bring attention to shit. You know? We're trying to make satire about things that are actually happening. Okay? I didn't watch SNL. I don't know if SNL even tried to do Epstein. I don't know. So maybe I'm wrong about that. Maybe they did. I mean, I don't know. And I don't want to say that they didn't and then have somebody... But I would imagine that their take was not my take. I'll guarantee you that. I'll guarantee you that they didn't do what we did. But we're trying to satirize the world as it exists. You know? And it's very tough to do that. And I was sitting in the room my age and he goes,

he goes, can I give you a bad idea? Can I give you a bad idea? And I looked at him and I said, I would be shocked and saddened if you didn't. God, I would be surprised if a few bad ideas did not leave. You know? And these aren't bad people. These are good people. Maybe they listen to this show. Maybe they don't. Who the fuck knows? They probably don't. They probably googled me five minutes before I walk in. Who's this? The fat one again? Gay? Fat? Bring him in. Yeah. But he was on a tour bus. Right. Okay. Bring him in. Maybe they listen to the show. They're not bad people. He runs the gamut over there. You got like a nerd, like a skeletal nerd. And then you have like the bro next to him who's an unscripted. He's like, I'm the unscripted guy. You know? Because he's not

a fan of reading. A good looking dude. You know? Nice family. I get it. Everybody wants to make money. You know? But it's like, you know, he said to me, one of them goes, you know, he's like, can I give you a bad idea? I'm like, sure. He's like, what if it's like you doing shit you're not good at? Like it's just you. Like you find Michael Phelps and then, you know, he's trying to teach you to swim and you don't, I mean, come on, you know, and I'm like, yeah, whatever. I'll do that. Get me money to do that. I will do. I don't have any standards anymore. It's all bad. The earth is burning. I don't care. Yes. Yes. I'm in. What about if it was you and like you're in a tub and we're recreating Whitney Houston's death? Yes. Good. I will recreate celebrity deaths.

How about that? We'll do that. John Belushi, Farley, Whitney Houston. I will recreate celebrity ODs and suicides. And that'll be the show. I don't care anymore. I can't take any of it seriously anymore. None of it matters. It's all bad. They're like, you got to work with this guy. He's doing Blake Griffin's new show on, so when it is, it's going to be like Blake Griffin and like, he goes and does stuff with celebrities. I got, listen to me. I will do whatever you want me to do. This Blake Griffin want to throw a basketball at my face till I start bleeding. Is that what we want to do? I'll do it. Sign me up. I don't, it does, I don't have to like it anymore. I don't have to think

it's good. I don't have to enjoy it. Whatever you want to, this podcast I enjoy, the things I make on my own, I enjoy. Whatever jobs you have, let me know what the jobs are. Is there a job for janitor in this building? Can I push a broom around this building? Let's start here. Forget the TV shit. Forget the pie in the sky shit. Can I do anything in the building? Is there maintenance work that needs to be done in the building currently? Is air conditioning working? Let's start there. Maybe let's not, let's not get out and lose our minds here. Start talking about network deals and just let me know. You know, like did the new show, Phoebe Robinson, who's sweet girl? I know her. It's fine.

It gets a show on Comedy Central. She's going to do things with celebrity. Folks, what happened? No one wants to see celebrities doing anything. Did anyone in any focus group answer that question and say, I want to see Nicki Minaj go to the Olive Garden? Who are these people? I mean, maybe they exist. I guess they exist. That's why I don't want to live on the planet with them. But are these real? Is this a real, are we just shoving this down people's throats as per usual? And people have no idea and they just come home from their soul crushing job and they take a handful of pills and they just veg out on a couch and no one asked them what they want. Whose idea are all these shows where celebrities do the post Malone and Jimmy Fallon go to the Olive Garden? Why?

Why are they going to the Olive Garden? Who are we mocking? The people that eat there? The people that wear Jimmy Fallon's like, oh my God, have you ever been here? It's the Olive Garden. So much cocaine. I don't know where I am. They've chained me to this desk so I don't bite someone's tit. You know, I'm just curious out there why this is a genre of television. Comedians, what are we supposed to be doing humanizing the celebrities? We're supposed to be showing the fun human side of people. Well, what is this? You know, every idea is worse than the idea that came before. And you just sit in these rooms at a meeting the other day and you know, we went to the Soho house and these are nice people

that you meet with. None of these are like, they're not bad people. I don't know them. But they're, they're all just trying to work in this hell that we created. So it's not, it's not like anybody is like specifically the problem. The problem is everything. And then these guys who have wives and kids or husband or whatever they have, they got to all work and earn a living. And I get it. Okay. So none of them are specifically the issue at a meeting in the Soho house is like this private club that has, you know, LA and New York and Miami and I think they have it all over the world and people pay like five grand a year to just go to this, you know, place that's nice

looking and all these dilettantes hang out there, which is like people that think they're in the entertainment business. Some of them are, some of them are hanging on, some of them want to be. And, you know, that's what it is. It's not an elite private club like the Nicarbaca, the Metropolitan in New York, where they like planned presidential assassinations and fun stuff. It's not that shit. It's like the Soho house, like Coke in the bathroom. Oh, movie night, you know, all these fuck, it's a social club for coked out, you know, delusional sociopaths running around LA. They want to put them into place. So I go there, I've been talking to somebody and they go, you know, yeah, you know, online, it seems like everything's, you know, really bad and falling

apart. But, you know, in the real world, everything's fine. And I'm like, this is not, you've never been in the real world. Have you ever taken a vacation to the real world? You're sitting in a private club. When you walk through the garage to get in here, every car is a Ferrari, a Bentley, a Rolls Royce, a Maserati. These are the richest people on planet earth. The wealthiest, most privileged, most frivolous in many cases. Human beings, on planet, you walk in, there's all these vine stars that kids I recognize from chasing Cameron, that Netflix documentary, where all those young kids is like, these good looking kids just, you know, made fortunes because they, they put a bunch of chicks in a room and they just got on stage with water bottles and

started throwing water bottles around and they're all fucking millionaires and they're just sitting there at Soho house because they're bored and I'm begging to get a show on the air. I'm begging to work. I'm like, I, I do characters and I, I write and I podcast and I do stand up and like, I'm the pig, you know? Like, I'm like, I like to have all these talents that's like unattractive. And then there's just divine kids that are sitting there like, yeah, man, just what are you doing? Like, survive dude. It's like a vibe, you know? You know, you don't know what to do anymore. Everything is where you drive around LA. There's these billboards is like, for your Emmy consideration, the daily show, the for your Emmy considerate.

What? I mean, who's watching the Emmys? The people in Ohio whose kids are, they've barricaded themselves in their bathrooms because their children are trying to get in and steal the rest of their back medication. And then finally, their child leaves, he steals their car and they're like, thank God, junior is gone. I can settle in and watch the Emmys. I wonder who will get it. I hope Veep. I hope Veep. Who are these people that are still watching award shows in this time? But literally explain to me who the people are that are still emotionally invested in an award show? Who's going to win Best Supporting Actress? The world.

I mean, you'd have to be. And I know people still watch frivolous shit. And I'm not saying you shouldn't. I know we need escapism, but could there be any like sports is real. It's a real competition. Like, could there be anything less important than who a bunch of old white fucks who probably all have frequent flyer miles from Jeffrey Epstein's plane, who they decided was Best Supporting Actress this year? Could anything matter less? And there's all these billboards in LA. For your Emmy consideration, please remember the Daily Show with Trevor Noah. Remember us for your Emmy because under these billboards are tent cities of homeless people. There's like dysentery. Like there's diseases from the Oregon trailer back

because of the filth, because of the absolute utter filth. People have walking around with cholera, yellow fever. And we're talking about for your Emmy consideration. For your consideration, who's considering this? What psychopath is putting one thought into this? I mean, well, it's pretty good. Things are pretty good here because everyone's got a Maserati. It's like, I will say this. Many of you who are fans of the program know that I have had many negative and accurate things to say about the restaurant's swingers in West Hollywood. I do not mind the swingers in Santa Monica, although I believe it is ridiculous because both swingers restaurants are these like faux 1950s, like Retro Diner. I don't like that.

I'm not into that. This like nostalgia diner. I love diners. They're an East Coast thing. That's really what they are. I mean, there's some cool ones on the West Coast that have been around forever. Fine. But swingers was opened in the 90s. And swingers is on Beverly Boulevard. And the food at swingers is atrocious. And the service at swingers is incompetent and rude. But those are not my biggest issues with swingers. My biggest issue with swingers is that they are running a human trafficking ring out of the West Hollywood location. That is my biggest issue, that they are party to the rape, murder and torture of children. Now, I haven't spoken out about this before because I didn't have all the facts. Now that I've gotten

all the facts, I am 100% certain that swingers in West Hollywood is running a human trafficking ring out of their shitty retro diner. Okay? That people that go on seeking arrangement states decide how much money should be exchanged before they go eat each other's assholes. They're running a human trafficking ring. What's the evidence? Okay, I'm glad you asked. Number one, it's in Hollywood. That's most of the evidence I have. But it ain't nothing. Okay? Okay? The menu has some weird... Get the menu up, Ben. The swingers menu, please. Because they... I went there the other day because I have to keep going there because I live by there. And I went there the other day. Early bird special. Early bird special.

I wonder what that means. Early bird special. Interesting. B-Y-O omelette. What the hell is a B-Y-O omelette? Bind your orphan omelette? Is that what B-Y-O stands for? Bind your orphan? So they're selling orphans that you get to tie up. Well, I'm not for that. I'm not for that. Sorry. Call me a square. I'm not for that. Edwin's pasta. Who the hell is Edwin? Someone they fuck to death? I'm telling you, folks, I went there the other day and the woman Waitress confronted me about some of the stuff I said on the podcast. She didn't do it directly, of course. And by the way, I am nice to servers. I tip well. Stop this shit that I'm not nice to

so I'm very nice to servers. And real servers are in New York City and they take pride in their service. They're not these people that are throwing avocado toast to you, waiting for their band to get signed. Cut it out. I'm very nice to servers. I always tip well. And why do I tip well? I know because without exception, all servers are drug addicts. And they take my tip and they go buy pills. And I know that it's every single server, okay? It's crushing up Adderall in the back of that restaurant. And I don't want to deny them that opportunity. So I tip them nice. But the problem is the woman was like, she said something to me. She's like, I'm glad that you had your breakfast, but glad you got some new material. I mean breakfast. And I said,

I said, oh, do you listen to the show? She goes, I've heard about it. I say, well, good. I appreciate all my listeners. Okay. You know, I'd rather them not run human trafficking rings out of a diner. And I'm not a guy that would ever be like, I don't, don't go on their yelp. Don't shit on them. Don't do any of that. None of that will fix the real problem. You know what I mean? So if you're going to take action, take real action, you know, don't go on yelp. If you're going to, if you're going to do it, do it. Folks, of course, I'm kidding. This is a bit, but it is a horrific restaurant. And I was accosted there by a rude, thoughtless and ignorant waitress who is humorless. Losers are always humorless,

by the way. They can never take a joke. People make jokes about me all the time, whatever, blah, blah, blah. I don't care. Doesn't matter. But the people at Swinger can't handle the truth. Okay. No, we don't want your tofu meatloaf. Burn in hell. No one needs that. You fucking sucks. And yeah, I just point this, a lot of people listen to it. It's really grown. And they're not thrilled that I've talked very accurately about their restaurant. And I have an email list. I just sent an email to my whole email list saying, please do not go to Swingers of West Hollywood. I'm currently in a feud with them. Go to another restaurant. If you need it, I will post other restaurants in the area that you can go to. Okay. Oh, but Swingers is open 24

hours. Where am I going to get late night food? Go to bed. Go to bed. Go to fucking Swingers. See, Swingers, it says hot off the girdle. Doesn't say griddle there. It says girdle. What is that? And then there's on the menu, it says hot off the girdle. And then under that, it looks like there's some, is that Japanese writing? Yeah. I will say if you look at the menu of Swingers, first of all, they put Tina Turner on the menu. Get Tina Turner off your goddamn menu. The woman's an icon. When the fuck was she in Swingers? When the fuck was she eating at Swingers? The people are full of shit. She's not there. The bitch lives in Switzerland. You just take celebrities and plaster them all over your menu. It says Swingers in Hollywood.

Shut up. So, I mean, that's where I'm at with them. I'm not going to go there anymore. I'm not going to go. I did like their vegan banana pancakes with chocolate chips. I still may go to the Santa Monica location because there's a blogger that me and Ben Lyck who sits here every day because he's basically homeless. He's a centrist and it's a very hard time to be a centrist. And he basically just, he's withering away. And we bought him food one day. Didn't we buy him dinner? Yeah, we bought him dinner. We bought him dinner and he got an attitude. He was upset. He was upset. We bought him dinner. He's like, what would you do that for? Because you're homeless. We're trying to be nice to you. This is why folks, you have to be very careful about who you do for

out there because there's a lot of people out there that just don't want to help. You know, you just don't want to help. So, I am just saying my personal problem with Swingers is that they are running a human trafficking ring. That's my biggest problem with them is that they're running a pedophile ring in West Hollywood. That's my biggest issue. A close second would be the meatloaf is dry. And they don't know the difference between appetizer and entree. They don't know what to bring out when and they're kind of clueless. And you know, they, you know, all the chicks there, it's like, how many tattoos does one body need? Let's be honest. How many tattoos is what, can you all stop with the tattoos? They're disgusting.

They really are. I know that a lot of people that listen to this probably have tattoos, you know, fine. And I'm sure some, on some people, they look good, but there's a lot of people out there where your arm is just covered in shit. It just looks like you're covered in shit. That's what it looks like. You can barely afford to get good tattoo. And then you got to go get the tattoos covered up and fixed. You got to get them fixed and filled in and you got to make one tattoo into another tattoo because it didn't work. You didn't have the money to finish it. And it's like, Hey guys, hey, how about you cut it out? Stop painting yourself. Find something else to do. Okay. You're never going to get buried in a Jewish cemetery, but you know who can? Jeffrey

Epstein. He has not tattoos. Jeffy boy. He's got no tats. Jeff. Folks, we've talked about it before. Many of you are not going to be able to get out of your current situation unless you fuck your way out of it. Okay. You got to go lay that pipe with a woman who's going to inherit a house. That's it. We're not talking about an estate either. We're just talking about a little split level in Tempe, Arizona. I don't even know if they have split levels there. They probably live in some, you know, when those Adobe shitholes, who cares? A little mother, daughter, something, you know, her mom left it to her. You get to move in with her. That's what you're going to do. Many of you, that's your only hope. It's your only chance, really. Okay. That's it. You're not going

to win big at the casino. You're not going to finish your novel. And if you do, and it's the greatest thing that's ever been written, no one will care. So get real. Learn how to lay some real pipe. I saw that there's another thing in Hollywood I've seen. There's a billboard. Look this up, Ben. There's a show about songwriters in Hollywood. This is hilarious, by the way. This is one of my favorite things. There's going to be a show on networks where songwriters are going to compete to see song land. I mean, but folks, folks, song land, song land is coming to NBC. Now, I know my fans all love bring the funny on NBC because comedians get to disgrace themselves on national television in front of genius Chrissy Teigen. You know, nobody knows comedy better than

Chrissy Teigen. Okay. John Legend's wife, right? That's her credit. That's what she's brought to the table. She's married John. What else is she done? Chrissy, she's just like a Twitter queen. You know, she tweets about avocados and good, good for her. Well, she knows what's funny and what's not, right? So she gets to judge you on, and listen, there's a very funny people that did bring the funny. Oh, she's a sports illustrated swimsuit model. So she gets it. She knows, and you know, so she's sitting there and bring the funny and then funny people I like and respect have to go out there. Okay. And they have to get judged by a sports illustrated swimsuit model. Okay. I mean, God only knows what this bitch thinks is funny. What does she think is funny?

You know, who gives a fuck? Who are you? I go right on that show. I look at, bitch, who are you? You're hot. Bitch, if you look like me, you would be pushing a shopping cart full of cans into a can exchange and you'd be putting them in a machine and you'd be getting quarters back. But instead you're on bring the funny, telling people that have worked their asses off getting good at something, not just showing up with tits, showing up with tits in a tan, people who spend years in nightclubs and shitty fucking rooms, training to get a good at something. You get to tell them that they were a little off. They were a little off tonight. Okay. Okay. Bring the funny. We don't need the funny. This world does not need more clowns. We don't

need the funny. The last thing this country needs is more goofballs. Okay. We got some deadly serious issues. You know, who's the next goofball? Bring the funny. Bring the funny to Chrissy Teigen and she'll let you know if you're good or not. You know? It's the same thing with what's her name on America's Got Talent. Heidi Klum sitting there telling people they suck. You know? Thank God you were hot, huh? Be a real fun life if you weren't. What would you be if you were four foot two? What would you be? I'll tell you what you'd be. You'd be in an outback in Tallahassee getting screamed at by a customer who said they ordered a blooming onion 20 minutes ago and you'd be sweating and you'd be panicked and you would be like, you'd be like, I don't know. The kitchen's,

I'm sorry, the kitchen's backed up and you'd be your breath. Some fat woman would be like, I said I wanted a blooming fucking onion. But instead you're hot and you're six feet tall. So you get to sit and tell everyone else they suck. That's what you get to do. If I was that hot, I would just, I would be hot and I would be rich because people fuck you when you're hot and they fuck you with money. They don't even fuck you with their stage. They fuck you with money. Here, here come houses, cars, there you go, vacations. It's one long orgasm, your whole fucking life. But these people have to sit there and judge others. Bring the funny should be judged by trolls, ugly trolls, people who need comedy. Ugly beasts should judge that show.

People that actually give, that actually listen and need to laugh. That show should be judged by people who've been through horrendous personal tragedy. That's who the show should be judged by. People, 9-Eleven's too far away to have lost somebody. Those people have probably gotten over it. Bring the funny should be judged by people who've lost someone within the last two months. Make them laugh. And I mean, more than one person, like a woman, her husband, this was an amazing story. He was like a hero. He saved her two daughters and he died in a riptide. That woman should be judging, bring the funny. Okay? And she probably sucks too. She'd probably tell me, it's too dark. Bitch, your husband, just die. You can't get into this. It's too dark. I don't

want. So Songland is now coming, the newest, where the idea, by the way, listen to the music that's out there. No, who's writing this? Who is writing these? Get Doja Cat's lyrics up to Juicy. Let's see what Songland is. Get Doja Cat Juicy, because this is, get the lyrics up. This is the caliber of Songwriter that's going to win the show. Listen, ready? So the whole show's about writing songs. Now go to Songland.mbc because we're going to read these lyrics. Go to Songland.mbc. Songland is American songwriting competition. It sets out to give undiscovered songwriters the chance to create a hit, which I'm sure, by the way, NBC will then own. Okay? It gives the viewers a look at the creative process in action. Go to the Juicy lyrics.

The creative process. I keep it Juicy Juicy. I eat that lunch. She keep that booty booty. She keep that plump. The natural beauty beauty. Yeah. Yeah. If you could see it from the front, wait till you see it from the back, back, back, back, back. And it's not a bad Song Juicy. It's a catchy song. But what are you talking about? Songwriting, the creative process. He liked the Doja with the cat. Yeah. He liked it thick. He liked it fat. Yeah. What creative process are you shining a light on NBC? What are you talking about? I keep it Juicy Juicy. I eat that lunch. She keep that booty booty. She keep that plump. What I really want to see the behind the scenes look at the brilliant songwriters,

the lyricists who are able to like come up with these lyrics. What rhymes? What rhymes with lunch? Plump? Right. Well, the song's about an ass, right? The song is about an ass. Okay. So we got to, so the song's about an ass. So we just, we have to kind of describe an ass for the whole song, right? I mean, the chorus has got to talk about the ass. And then, you know, so we got to just come up with, so we got booty. We got plump. I keep it Juicy Juicy. I eat that lunch. So that's a nice lyric because you think eating, because we're talking about an ass. So eating an ass, eating lunch is lunch. Someone's ass that you're reading, or maybe she eats that lunch. So she keeps her ass fat because she has that lunch. She goes and she has a lunch.

She's not vomiting in the bathroom. Some bony white girl ass. She's got a nice fat ass because she eats the lunch. Go down here. How long it take to pull, and all them N words want to know how long it takes to pull my pants up, broke a fingernail and then some trying to squeeze into my true religion denim. Celebate. Don't want to sell you light. I don't buy it with a cellulite. I don't even know. This sounds like it was written by a, like a speech. You know, one of those things, like one of those programs that takes your words and then spits them out, what do they call that? Speech to text. It sounds like it was written by a speech to text thing that like the malfunction. It's like picking up every third word because

this doesn't make sense. It's like baby talk. It's like boot, bootie, lunch, plump, Celebate, cellulite. It what? NBC is going to have a competition show where people are going to, what do you think they're going to write Dylan's master's of war? What do you think is going to happen? Undiscovered songwriters. What psychopaths are those? I want to write a song like Juicy. I just want to write a song like Juicy. I got to keep working. Go back to song land for a second. I want to see who's going to be judging this. I'm sure it'll be people that have no fucking idea. You know, judging song land, Courtney Kardashian, Abigal.

Each episode producers, Ryan, Tedder, Esther, Dean and Shane McAnaly will team up with the songwriter to create the next big hit to be recorded by guest performing artists for seemingly unknown songwriter's edition songs. They've written by singing them live. It's enlightening to see how song can just change by slowing it down or speeding it up or moving the chorus or emphasizing the beat or shuffling parts around. Interesting. Song land attempts to rework the often thankless and grueling job of songwriting. The general public rarely notes who wrote the lyrics or the music that catch your tech because they're horrible. No one asks who wrote. I eat the lunch. Here's my fat ass. Don't you like my fat ass in your face? No one cares. The lyrics don't matter.

It doesn't matter what they're saying. They don't even have to be lyric. She could just go fat ass, fat ass, Juicy Juicy, fat ass. Here's my fat ass. No one cares. I love that. The general public rarely notes who wrote the lyrics. Yeah, no one's writing in their car and go, I wonder who wrote that. I eat that lunch. I keep it plump. I wonder who wrote that. Yeah, there's a good reason. The show tries to elevate to traditional role the songwriter in the process of creating music from unpleasant secret to being the celebrated magic ingredient. Good luck. Good fucking luck.

And that Doja Cat song is, get that song up because it's catchy. I'm not shitting on Doja Cat. I'm going on tour with Doja Cat. I'm opening for the cat. Get that song up, Ben. That's a fucking fun song. And what's fun is she makes her ass look like a watermelon in the video. That's fun. But let's not pretend it's about the lyrics. It's a catchy song. Can we hear it on the? Yeah. This is fun. It's a fun song to drive around to in LA. That's right. Keeps it plump.

It's all about the beat. I'm going to sing new lyrics and see if anyone notices, right? I keep the Epsi, Epsi. I'll go to Island. You can see it from it. They can be, well, if they can be 18, they can be 14. I said just laying where the plane at. I got Hilly and a Clinton. Island does you with get that massage. We're going to Little St. James. You know, I never name names. They find me hung in my cellmate. Oh, baby. What is she saying? Cellulite. I'm a pedophile billionaire. You know how I do. I keep it juicy, juicy. I eat that lunch.

I keep that plump. If they can be 18, they can be 13. They can be 12, 12, 12, 12, 12, 12, because we're really rich, rich, rich, rich, rich. What the fuck are you going to do? We'll just kill them in the cell. There'll be no court case. What you're going to do, do, do. All right. Turn that off. I think mine's better. Mine's better, actually. And good for Mrs. Cat. I'm not hating on her. I'm not hating on Doja Cat and what she's been able to accomplish. That's the move now. People want to know how to get big. Have a fat ass.

Have a fat ass and we'll figure the rest out. I did that. I have a fat ass and I can barely get a meeting. Have a fat ass. Don't have a lot of cellulite on it. Have it be real fat. Have it look like an Eddie Bauer leather seat in a Ford Explorer. Come in with that and we'll write the song around it. We'll get you a stylist. We'll figure it out. You lead with the ass. Bring the ass in. I can imagine all these executives sitting and the thing just looking at girls asses all day. That's the one we want.

That ass pops. We'll back into her career. See what I did there? We'll back into the song. Let's just, let's, let's choose an ass. Let's choose an, oh, she's got a pockmarked face out. Give me an ass with a nice face and I'll make a star. Give me a fat ass and a nice face and I will make you a star. Songland. I was in my agent's office today and I heard somebody downstairs like playing an acoustic guitar and I'm like, oh, there's some, some, somebody's in there like playing a guitar like for their agent or something like trying. I was like, I was like, I hope it's Shawn Mendes.

I hope it's a big celebrity because there's nothing sadder than like some disinterested LA agent sitting there and like some guy being like, this is about my grandma died in Portland. And it's, it's about, I had a really like rough time and then I met this girl and she really changed it, but she's dead now. And here's my song. It's like, buddy, what's your ass like? Take your pants off. We're not playing it. We don't care anymore. What are you saying? Let me ask you a question. Yeah. Let me ask you a question. So, uh, yeah. And then I just, you know, I just really started to come to terms with my addiction. I wrote this beautiful song about connecting with who I am. Sir, let me ask you a question. Do you keep a juicy?

What? Do you eat that lunch? What? If, if I can see it from the front, can I see it from the back? I don't understand exactly. Get the fuck out of my office, go to Nashville and go kill yourself because this is not going to work. You don't get what we're doing here. Nobody's interested in your fucking story. Do you keep it juicy? Do you eat that lunch? I mean, this is, you know, I mean, these people are, and then you got to, you got to act like everything's, you know,

got to act like everything's great. We're in the golden era. You know, I shit on boomers a lot, man, but at least they had good fucking music. And all these people that are like the real political ideologues now, and they all shit on the boomers and I shit on the boomers. But listen, guys, what do you think you're going to be? The boomers were idealistic too. Didn't work. The system won. The system's probably sadly going to win again. I know that nobody wants to hear that, but that's what's going to happen. And you could tell all these kids years from now how you thought you memed your way to victory

and you got nothing and nothing really changed and nobody really gives a fuck. And Bernie Sanders will get into office and we'll get, we'll have free community college because everybody will fight him tooth and nail, you know? And just like Obama, remember that? Obama was like, Hey, you know, that guy fought for eight years and got, you know, you got like a healthcare plan where you got like $30 off cancer or something. You got like a group on if everyone in your family had cancer, you had a group on. So you could go and you know, whatever it was. But that's what it is. And like, you know,

if you've been through around a few cycles and you've, you've seen what it is and you've seen the bastardization of pop culture, you've seen it degenerate into a literal sewer. I mean, literally the words in these songs, you, this is baby talk. It's baby. I have a Google Gaga. Look at my ass. I mean, it's baby talk. It, it doesn't make any sense. It's literally Google Gaga, baby talk, mush brain, someone who was in a car accident who can barely understand. I mean, these songs sound like the people that are writing them, you're showing them flashcards to teach them the language after they've had a stroke. Booty, lunch, pump. I mean, I mean, so it's a sewer. It's a sewer out there.

And everybody wants to just go see, they want to go see what celebrities are doing. They want to go to the bowling alley with Cardi B. That's what they want to do. They want to see celebrities do things that you have to do in your shitty life. Isn't it fun to see celebrities do things that we do because we have no fucking choice? Because we got to go to the fucking Olive Garden because it's the only thing in this town that was polluted by poison that the government tested missiles in. We're living in a missile silo. And the only thing here is the Olive Garden. So it would be real fun. It would be real fun if we could see Cameron Diaz go and eat there.

Make us feel a lot better about having our tour of Italy. Is there an audience for that? Did people request that? Like, by the way, it would really make me feel better if we could see celebrities doing the horrific things I'm forced to do on a daily basis. What's the next show? You know, Amy Adams goes and works in a private prison. Next. Next on Seth Meyers. See Amy Adams work in a private juvenile detention center. Won't that be fun? I bet that'll be, that'll be funny. Let's go see it.

That should be fun. Liam Hemsworth goes and works in a sober house. Who's sober? Who's lying? Liam will see. Do you see Liam Hemsworth? Three addicts with forks trying to kill Liam Hemsworth? That I would watch. If that, if that is a show, I am not pitching things I would absolutely watch, you know? But I mean, this new genre, it's like, it doesn't make any sense to me. I got to sit in these rooms and look at these people with a straight face and not like, I just have to look at them and nod and go, yeah, yeah, that sounds good. That sounds fun. Sounds fun. You know, it's a great show. So what Madonna is going to do is she's going to go make

biochemical weapons with Raytheon. They're, they're missiles, but the warhead has biochemical agents in it. So Madonna is going to do that. It's real fun. It's real fun. She takes you through the whole factory and you get to see the plant where they make all the missiles. It's great. Oh yeah. That sounds fun. Madonna is, you know, 85 years old. I'm sure they're not going to choose her. She's another one that corpse. She comes out and I haven't seen her in a while. Tina Turner did it right. Kill for years. Be the best. Leave the country. Leave the country. You did it. You, you did it. And you said you watched something on CBS Sunday morning. Yeah. And she would, you said she was, she was kind of nice about Ike. She was like, well, you got to understand with

Ike. He was also very sweet to me. He was very loving in the beginning, giving me gifts, always loving on me. I mean, she's kind of defended him in the interview. Really? I mean, listen, Ike, Ike's methods, much like Joe Jackson's methods, were not ideal. But if, if it's a choice between Tina Turner, Michael Jackson, and I eat that lunch, I keep it plump, then bring back the beatings, bring back the belt. Maybe that's the problem. Nobody feels the sting of leather when they fuck up. And Billie Eilish sucks. You fucking losers. I've tried to listen to this talentless cunt and she sings about fucking her friend's dad. Don't tell me she's a fucking minor. Enough.

I'm a bad guy. Might fuck your dad. What? You're acting like, you know who else was minors? The Olsen twins. They killed Heath Ledger. I forgot which one did that, but one of them did. I'm over it. But this idea that she's a minor, it's garbage. And if people message me on Instagram, like, hey, I'm a fan of your podcast, but like, actually, if you listen to it, it's really, actually, if you listen to it, it's really deep and good. Hey, hey, fuck off. You go listen to it then. Billie Eilish. This is her song. They sound like this. She goes, that's what it sounds like. That's the song. Can she sing anything? Or is it all a ritual

where she sits there and all these kids are obsessed with her and, you know, they all chant in the fucking Hollywood Bowl or whatever, probably doing bigger. She's probably doing stadiums now. I don't give a fuck. I'm happy where I am in a garage with the truth. I give a fuck. All these companies tell me to fuck off. That's okay. All these people in this town, nothing is bad enough yet. And I don't mean like world shit. I mean, like, nothing will ever be bad enough for them. They will make things that are so bad. And the only time they will ever stop is if the San Andreas fault just, you know, everything and they're swallowed. The only way they will stop making bad shit is if they are

swallowed into the earth. I mean, or the great Bill Hicks who said, what was it? It splits off and it's Arizona Bay, LA's Arizona Bay. Like, you know, you know, should we, should we just point out the deficit in the market or let's speak to the deficit? Yeah, let's speak to it. Let's speak to, I'll speak to it. Let's do a show. Let's do something funny. No. Nobody wants to do that. Okay. Well, I guess I'll just have to keep pointing out the deficit because I'm sorry I didn't come up with song land. Sorry I didn't, I didn't, no one gives a shit about who writes the songs. Song writers are supposed to be people that have thankless jobs that make a lot of money and they have these big, beautiful homes and nobody gives

you the fuck they are because it's all magic. Nobody wants to know what it really is. Stop trying to show the process to all these people that don't give a fuck about it. It's not that interesting. Okay. Rhyming plump and bump or whatever you're doing isn't that fucking intriguing that there needs to be a process, you know, we need to explore the process of who writes the fucking me. Let it be magic. Let these dumb fucks think that all these people write their own songs. It's all fake. Let it be fake. Stop trying to like peel the curtain back so these people can take a look at how the sausage is made. You know how the sausage is made in certain cases? Rape and murder, extortion, blackmail, like peel that curtain back. That's what I really want to say.

I don't really give a fuck about the songwriters. Okay. I want to know who the fuck Corey Feldman's talking about for 30 fucking years or is he full of shit too? That's the funniest thing me and Ray, if you guys, I don't know that we'll get the episode number, but if you're subscribed to the Patreon, you got to find, you got to find the episode where me and Ray riff on Corey Feldman's like good morning America or today's show appearance. It is one of the funniest things me and Ray have ever done where we just think about like, it's all these generals that did MK on all these kids and they see this guy and they're like, we saw, he's rogue. He went rogue and he's just like dancing. I mean, it's the funniest thing

I've ever seen in my life and me and Ray, but I mean, this whole idea and it started with like Louis, who is a genius, but it started with that like, how does it happen? How do these comedians come up with their bits? I wonder how does it, how does it happen? And all these people, like my father and his wife love to watch the voice and they love, most people love these competition shows. They watch for people to fail because it makes them feel good that they never tried anything. They go, see, they're going home. You're going home yet an off night. It makes them feel good when they file into their job tomorrow that they never took a risk in their fucking life. They get, they want to see you go home and then at the end, somebody wins and

they get to pretend to feel happy for that person, you know, you know, but stop with this shit. It's magic. Let it be magic. I appreciated it all so much more when I didn't know any of these people and I didn't know how any of this happened. And I just thought that really supremely talented people just worked their asses off and struggled and got rewarded. And now that some of that is going on, but a lot of it isn't. And now that I've seen that a lot of it is just people that strategize and plot and which is a skill in and of itself, unto itself. And I'm not saying that it isn't a meaningful skill. And it's certainly a hell of a lot better skill than the one that I have, which is just like trying to be good at a thing that I said I'd be good at. It takes a little

bit of the magic away from it. Okay. So I don't need to watch song land. I don't need to watch bring the funny. I know, I know that you can bring the funny. And here's what happens when you bring the funny people tell you to go fuck yourself. Okay. Hi, I brought the funny. Oh, we didn't order funny. We ordered a fat ass. You're going to shake your fat ass today. What? I brought the funny wrong. Oh, we ordered Native American in a wheelchair. We didn't order funny. What? No, no, no, no, no, no, I have the order right here, the grubbub order. It says mixed race 19 year old socialist, Native American in a wheelchair, and just a fat ass, an ass of fat, like a Jell-O mold, not even we'll attach it to a person when

we find the right one. We just want the ass. Now let me ask you a question. Do you have the ass? No, I brought the funny. You fool. Go deliver postmates. Bring the funny. Bring a gun. As always, the show is brought to you by swingers in West Hollywood swingers. You know, I mean, the food is bad. The service is worse. The decor is an embarrassment. The vibe is bad. Every time you walk in, the vibe is not good. You know, West Hollywood was a real nightmare. You got to be in Hancock Park. You got to have the East Coast estate. Got to have the East Coast tutor. Or you got to go to the beach.

Got to be Malibu. Or you got to be Beverly Hills with a big pink house. And your neighbors are Saudis and they got white tigers roaming the property. West Hollywood. Enough. Enough. I do like that song. I do like. And I am opening for, I will be opening for Doja Cat all summer. I'm excited about it. I'm kind of curious. He's fucking songland. Four songwriters will see if they have what it takes to write shit. Four songwriters will see if they have what it takes to write songs and baby talk for our population whose IQs are plummeting every year. Soon it'll just be sounds. Oh, that's good. What song did you write? I wrote Googaboo. Oh,

five songwriters see if they have what it takes to write shit for fat asses. Soon they're going to just take a microphone and put it right in the middle of an ass. Just going to be an ass. Why even attach these to people? We just want the ass. I'm telling you right now, a music video in two years will be a shaking ass. It will not even be a human being. Why do we even have human beings? For what? For what purpose? I eat that booty booty. I eat that. It's catchy. The beat is cat. The people who do the music, that's a talent. It's catchy. It's catchy. Not everything's catchy. It's interesting. I mean, that ain't great either, you know, ain't Bach, but it's catchy, you know? And

I'm going to go to New York for a few days and record with Ray. Go see my mother, see my father and his wife, take a quick couple of soldier and I don't even want to go. I'm looking at hotels and it's like, it's so weird to have lived in a place your entire life and go back to it now and get a hotel. It's an interesting feeling. I'm like, you know, it was a great deal in the financial district. I'm like, I don't want to stay in the front. The financial district is depressing, especially when you don't have any finances. It's kind of depressing. I really want to stay on Wall Street. Okay. It's a very depressing part of New York City. It's just not for me. There's parts of downtown I like, Tribeca, the village, but the financial districts, whatever.

But it's $98,000 a night to go down there and stay in like whatever, DoubleTree, Hilton, some shit. I'll try to stay up by the park. I like that area. I like the midtown area, the area where Alex lives, Epstein. That area I kind of like. It's interesting, man. I'm getting adjusted here to Los Angeles. You can see how well I'm getting adjusted, but it's all pretend and it's all fake, but you got to give yourself over to it because you'll lose your mind. You'll lose your mind if you don't give yourself over to what it is. Just accept it. It's what it is, folks. That's what the people want. They want songland, apparently. I like to believe they don't. They want to see Jimmy Fallon in Post Malone, eat fettuccine Alfredo

at the Times Square Olive Garden. That's what the people want. They think it's great. They think it's fine and they don't know why you got such a problem. It's fun. What's the problem? Just want to watch The Bachelor. We like it. We like The Bachelor. I have friends. I have regular friends. I speak to regular. I know when you hear the show, you think that I don't. I talk to a lot of different kinds of people and there's a lot of people out there that like this show that don't agree with what I say and that's okay. There's nothing wrong with that. I prefer that, but at least you think it's funny, right? See what Hollywood wants now, they want you to agree with people and not laugh. I'd rather you laugh at this show and go,

no, I like Disney World. I don't agree with him. That's okay, but some of what I say will resonate with you and you'll actually laugh and think that it's funny because that's my job is that it's funny or it's interesting or maybe you do agree with what I say or whatever or you're in the middle. Who gives? I don't agree with half of what I say. It doesn't matter. You should agree about swingers, but the meetings I have and the people I meet now, they just want you fuckers to nod. They just want you to smile and nod. Everybody wants to be safe. What's a safe bet? And they're all fear-based and that's where they're losing. That's where they're failing and that's why shows like this are succeeding and Rogan's succeeding and Theo and Bert

and your mom's house and Legion of Skanks and Shane Gillis's podcast and Come Town and all these fucking shows where people are genuinely funny and authentic and shit like that. How is Nick Mullin not had 10 fucking shows? How is he not had 10 fucking shows? Because he's funny. He's not the type of guy that he's written on a bunch of shows, but that's a guy I always thought that somebody's going to let me and Nick make a show. I always want, you know, I mean, now I look back and I'm like, why did I think that? But I always wanted to do that. Nick was going to be the first person I had. He was the first guy I had in the pilot, you know, you know, on my writer, you know, and we were going, Nick had

this idea where we were doing this tour of Long Island, right? So we wanted to set up this fake fundraiser because the whole thing was about long as like obsessed with Billy Joel, right? So you wanted to have this fake fundraiser where all these kids had this disease that nobody understood what it was, but we're going to like Photoshop them to all kind of look like Billy Joel. And we didn't know if anyone was going to notice. And the fundraiser was going to be we're going to have a bunch of Billy Joel impersonators. We're going to have a real fundraiser, going to stage your own fundraiser and have a bunch of Billy Joel impersonators getting a fist fight about who was more Billy Joel. And they're going to beat the

shit out of each other in front of real people. And it was all going to be a fundraiser for these kids who had a disease that made them look like Billy Joel. And when we explain this idea, when we explain this idea, this is Nick's idea was brilliant. And when we explained the idea, because I wanted something with Billy Joel, and I wanted like a fake Billy Joel fundraiser, and I was like, Billy Joel impersonators need to be involved. And it was like, what if we gave these kids a disease where it made them all look like Billy Joel? And we had all these little kids that will kind of look like, are we explaining this idea to the production company? You could have said you wanted to do a

music video in Auschwitz, and it would have gotten a better reception than when we brought up this idea. But it's still one of the funniest things ever. We had this idea where I would get in a rowboat to try to make it to Plum Island, which is the disease research facility in Long Island, where they're clearly like breeding some, you know, God only knows you're doing tests on animals and shit. And I was going to get in a boat with the Long Island medium, we're going to try to get her to do it. She wouldn't do it. But, or Alexa Red Joel, or Long Island medium, I was just going to get in a boat and try to row to like Plum Island, singing Billy Joel songs, trying to row to Plum, but nobody wants to have any fun. You know, nobody wants to, nobody wants to do anything.

So, so fuck it guys, listen, we appreciate you, the people that are in the Patreon, the Patreon is like, it's the idea, it's kind of the me accepting that if we want to do real funny shit, we want to do the shit we want to do, we're kind of going to have to do, we're sitting in a garage now, it's two o'clock in the fucking morning. This is where we started to make these videos a year above over a year ago. And this is where the funniest shit that we've done in the last year has come out of. It hasn't come out of a network, it hasn't come out of a writer's room, it's just come out of me and Ben sitting here doing funny shit, and people have fucking, and we've gotten millions and millions

of views and people like Stan Hope and Christchurch and Rogan and Norm McDonald, people that we respect and look up to like those people have all said this is really funny shit. And that is just the route we're going to have to take. It'll be harder, it'll be longer, and it's just the route up because whatever's going to happen, whatever they're going to do out there, and I just turned down, I was just asked to do something stand up wise. I turned it down, the money was shit, but it was also like, these things that people are doing are not going to be good. And I didn't want to do something that I was completely like, everyone I talked to about this, including some of the other people doing it, were like, yeah, it's going to suck, but we're just going to do it

because that's the what it is. And I was like, well, I don't want to do it that I don't want to be in this business. If I'm that fucking cynical, where I just go, well, I'm just going to do it because everyone else is doing it. It's going to suck and I'm going to hate it, you know, and it'll be bad, but it's just what you do, man, we're all just desperate. And we're all just, you know, they can, they can give us, they can give us a bowl of gruel, and we thank them. You know, thank you for the gruel. Please, sir, may I have some more? May I have another 15 minutes, sir? Can I just get another 10 minutes to do my jokes, sir? No, no, no. At a certain point, you've got to, you've got to just say, fuck it.

What we've been doing has been working. We're going to keep doing that, you know? And if any big network wants to write me a check, I will delete this episode. You understand me? Tyndallincomedy.com for all the dates. I am going to be at the stress factory in New Jersey, September 5th through the 7th. I'm going to be at Go Bananas in Cincinnati, I think, the next weekend, which is like September 11th and 12th or something. I'm going to be all over the place. I'm going to be in the side splinters in Tampa in October. I'm going to be in Providence, Rhode Island. I'm going to be everywhere. Please rate,

review, subscribe to the podcast on Apple Podcast. Sorry to you, YouTube demons that there's no video. I know you're going to flip out. Go fuck off. Go watch something else then, okay? You fucking want me to do. We couldn't do it this week. You're going to get more video. It's going to happen. We're getting more video. We're doing everything that we fucking can here. We've got a limited budget. We've got limited shit. We're trying to make everything happen. Tim J. Dillon, D-I-L-L-O-N on Instagram, on Twitter. If you can't subscribe to the Patreon, that's fine too. Just tell people about the show. Tell people that it's funny. Tell people that it's good. Keep listening to it. That's all that we can really ask you to do. I mean, that's it.

I mean, I can't ask you to do more, but will ya? I got to go now because tomorrow I get to get on an American Airlines flight and flying to Raleigh to Good Nights Comedy Club. Very excited about that. Hopefully people are there. Hopefully they want to laugh. All the college kids that just got back to Raleigh, whatever. Hopefully you're there. You're going to be excited. You're going to enjoy it. I feel like it's a lot of preppy. I'll do well with those people. I'll call them out for whatever. They'll enjoy that. It is what it is, folks. Real fun set at the store tonight, man. I'm feeling like it's going to LA. I'm going to find a way to make LA my home. It's a tough city only because it is run by Satan. That's the only thing about it, but the weather's nice.

Goodbye.